The Mischievous Missionary with Bernard David Jones

Summary

Scam Goddess Podcast Summary

Episode: The Mischievous Missionary with Bernard David Jones
Host: Laci Mosley
Guest: Bernard David Jones
Date: May 26, 2020
Main Theme: Comedy deep-dive into historic and contemporary scams, focusing on international counterfeiting, hilarious personal scam stories, and the lighthearted yet poignant consequences of fraud.

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, Laci Mosley (the “Scam Goddess”) welcomes actor and friend Bernard David Jones for a hilarious and wide-ranging conversation about scams—from personal brushes with shifty apartment listings to the wild true crime story of a missionary-turned-counterfeiter in Uganda. The banter is filled with personal anecdotes, sharp social commentary, and signature comedic takes on “true con.” The episode explores both petty and large-scale scams, how desperation drives creativity, and the underlying risks and realities behind those who choose the life of the con.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening & Personal Scam Stories (00:00–11:17)

• COVID-19 Setting: The hosts note social distancing and cleaning protocols as they record during the pandemic.

  • “We are in the midst of the coronavirus at the moment… Lysoled up, bleached down, honey. Six feet apart.” —Laci (01:04)

• Relationship to Scams: Bernard recalls encountering classic apartment scams, especially online listings that seemed too good to be true, while Laci shares similar LA struggles.

  • “My first introduction to scams had to be when I was looking for apartments... it’s only $200 a month? What?” —Bernard (02:16)
  • Both joke about almost falling victim (“The key is a rock. You throw it through the window.” —Laci, 03:00)

• Nigerian Scam Innovators: Both acknowledge Nigerian scammers as "innovators," referencing the infamous apartment cons.

  • “My favorite country. They are innovators. Instagramology. They got it all. They got the scams down.” —Laci (04:54)

• What's Hot and Fraud Segment: Listener-submitted scams:

  • Colostomy Bag Booze Smuggling: A listener’s cousin used a (clean) colostomy bag to sneak alcohol into a concert (“It’s not like security’s gonna check the contents…” —Listener Ms. Jackson, read by Laci, 06:22)
  • Dumpster Diving Scheme: Ms. Jackson’s husband’s family would intentionally damage bakery goods at the grocery store, so they’d get thrown out—and then retrieve them.
    • “Parents be out here hustling. Shout out to the parents making a way, making it happen.” —Laci (10:21)

2. Historic Hoodwinks: The Counterfeiting Missionary (11:18–46:48)

• Source Acknowledgment: Laci credits a Vice article by Justin Roll Rich as the source story.

The Scam’s Unfolding:

• Counterfeit Bills in Pittsburgh: In 2013, fake $100 bills circulate in Pittsburgh, traced to a well-connected local, Joseph Graziano.
  • “He drove a $500,000 Lamborghini Murcielago… vanity plates that read ‘bankrupt.’” —Laci, (16:48)
  • Both hosts question the wisdom of flaunting such scams so openly.
• Laundering via Uganda: Graziano uses Western Union to wire money acquired via counterfeit bills to Uganda; increasingly smaller denominations enter circulation.
  • “They came in with a Honda... then the 50s and the 20s.” —Laci (15:31)
• Graziano’s Other Schemes:
  • Mortgage fraud with falsified documents
  • eBay/mail scams: sending empty boxes instead of purchased electronics
    • “Why even mail the box? Just to hurt me even more…” —Bernard, 21:39
• Law Enforcement Response: Despite facing 380 years in prison, Graziano is released on $25,000 bond and told not to leave Pennsylvania. He flees and starts snitching:
  • “How you facing, like, BC time... and they're like, okay, $25,000. Don't go anywhere. Okay, love you.” —Laci, 22:35
• Connecting to the Source: Evidence shows counterfeit bills originate from Uganda. An alias, “Willie Clock,” on a darknet forum, is the purported supplier. Graziano describes elaborate procedures for disguising/processing the money.
  • “After the pamphlets were soaked in hot water to dissolve the glue, the reshippers were responsible for treating the bills with hairspray...” —Laci, summarizing Vice article, 28:10

The Mastermind: Ryan Gustafson aka “Jack Farrell”

• Uganda Connection: An American living in Kampala, Uganda, identifies on Facebook as “a bad motherf***ing cowboy from Texas.” His real name: Ryan Gustafson.

  • “Why you got a Facebook page and you’re a criminal? Stop it.” —Laci, 29:54

• Missionary Roots: Gustafson’s missionary family moved to Uganda when he was a child; his history is one of religious intent gone rogue.

  • “The purpose of their work... was to glorify Jesus, our Lord and Savior, and to fulfill his commands. To make the disciples of all nations to know God and make him known.” —Laci, reading from the family blog, 33:02

• Bust & Evidence: After an undercover purchase, police raid Gustafson’s house and find a counterfeiting lab: fake Euros, shillings, Congolese francs, Ghanaian cedis, Indian rupees, pamphlets (“Give a Child Hope Today”) stuffed with counterfeit bills, and latex gloves to obscure prints.

  • “He said, if we can fake it, we will make it.” —Bernard, 35:39

• Arrest and Theatrics: Gustafson claims to be “Jack Farrell” on arrest—until agents find multiple IDs and his passport.

  • “Nah man, I’m Jack Farrell, man.” —Bernard, 37:22

• Sentencing: Gustafson is convicted and sentenced to 6 years, 2 months in federal prison, plus restitution.

  • “He was charged... with conspiracy to manufacture, pass, transfer and sell counterfeit currency... conspiracy to launder money and committing counterfeiting acts outside the United States.” —Laci, 41:30

Reflections and Social Commentary

• Race and Opportunity: Noting that the main players are white men able to get loans/fraud with apparent ease, compared to different standards for others.
  • “And you know, John's a white man. Because Black people can't get mortgages with good credit and money in the bank.” —Laci, 21:01
• Missionary Critiques & African Identity: Joking about Americans’ ideas of Africa, missionaries flexing on Facebook, and the pan-African “accent” casting calls in Hollywood.
  • “All missionaries are from the South. Some people do love to do missionaries.” —Laci, 33:05

3. Scammer of the Week: Handless in Slovenia (46:49–57:13)

• Insurance Scam Extreme: Slovenian woman (age 21) saws off her own hand with a circular saw, attempting to claim $430,000 in disability insurance.
  • “If you cut off your hand for insurance money, you deserve the insurance money.” —Laci, 47:47
• The Ruse Unravels: Her family throws away the hand (to make the disability permanent); police retrieve and reattach it.
  • “They let them put your hand in the garbage, take you to the doctor so you could never have no hand no more.” —Laci, 55:31
  • Both hosts marvel at the lengths people will go for money, with a comic but sympathetic lens.
• Outcome: Facing jail, both the woman and her relative (who aided the cover-up) have not successfully claimed a payout.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On desperate apartment hunts:
  “When you’re desperate because you’re moving to a new place… That’s okay.” —Laci (05:00)
• On concert smuggling:
  “There’s even a tube we can drink out of!” —Listener “Ms. Jackson” via Laci (06:21)
• On Nigerian ingenuity:
  “They got the scams down… The key is a rock.” —Laci (04:54)
• On systemic double standards:
  “Black people can’t get mortgages with good credit and money in the bank!” —Laci (21:01)
• On the spectrum of fraud:
  “Bank of America is a scam. But I do participate with them for now.” —Laci (20:02)
• On outlandish criminal flexing:
  “You drove a $500,000 Lamborghini… vanity plates that read ‘bankrupt’. He wanted to get caught.” —Laci (16:48, 16:54)
• On pan-African “Hollywood” dialects:
  “Do the Wakanda… General continent of Africa, we all know it.” —Laci (43:27)
• On insurance fraud extremity:
  “If you cut off your hand for insurance money, you deserve the insurance money.” —Laci (47:47)
• On the desperation behind scams:
  “If you’re willing to cut off your hand for a check for 10 years… you must have been in dire straits.” —Laci (56:08)
• On American drinking culture:
  “If I did not throw up, it was not a good night. That was my mentality at 21.” —Bernard (53:55)

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Section Timestamps

• [00:00–05:25] – COVID-19 check-in & scam introductions
• [05:26–11:17] – What's Hot and Fraud: Listener stories (colostomy bags, dumpster diving)
• [11:18–46:48] – Historic Hoodwinks: The counterfeiting missionary, Graziano, and Gustafson saga
• [46:49–57:13] – Scammer of the Week: The Slovenian Hand Scam
• [57:14–End] – Reflections, goodbyes & plugs

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Flow & Tone

The episode balances fast-paced banter with genuine fascination (and a touch of horror) at the creative extremes of scammers. Laci and Bernard’s chemistry keeps the humor edgy and relatable while still offering critical insights about class, privilege, and the psychology of fraud. Running jokes about “bankrupt” vanity plates, “general African” accents, and insurance hustles make the episode highly entertaining for both new and longtime listeners.

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Conclusion

This episode showcases the “funny side of fraud” through both personal mishaps and jaw-dropping international cons. Laci Mosley and Bernard David Jones interrogate the ingenuity and absurdity of scammers—with sharp wit and a healthy dose of skepticism towards society’s most “innovative” con artists. From colostomy bag booze to counterfeit millionaires, “The Mischievous Missionary” is a wild, laugh-filled tour de fraud.

Transcript

[A]

Scams C. Robbery and Frauds. Scams CA Robbery and Fraud. Scam Goddess. What's poppin, Congregation? It's YA Girl, Lacey Mosley, AKA Scam Goddess. And we are back for another installment of this nonsense show. I always say this, so go ahead and say it with me. I am super excited for this guest. Yes, we all said it together, but this is my friend. Colleague, Homie. Like, one of my soul partners. I love him so much. And you probably know him from shows like the Mayor movies. Like always a bridesmaid. He's got a new joint coming out called Uncorked on Netflix. Yes, we have Bernard Davis Jones.

[B]

What up?

[A]

How are you?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I'm trying to, like, see you through the sea of microphones.

[B]

Let me move over a little bit so I can see you in the eyes. I need to see eyes. See.

[A]

Look in your corneas. All right, now I can look at your corneas. Yes, yes. And even though I have no clue when this episode's gonna come out, just so you have a reference, we are in the midst of the coronavirus at the moment.

[B]

Oh, goodness. Good old Rona.

[A]

So we are in here, Lysoled up, bleached down, honey. Six feet apart.

[B]

Very safe.

[A]

We're doing it the safest way we can, but we're doing it for you. I'm risking my life for the congregation, okay?

[B]

I'm here.

[A]

Look, I'm better than Joel Osteen. I ain't asked y' all to come to church.

[B]

Not today. Rona.

[A]

Yo, Joel Osteen ain't shit. When the. When the. He is an ultimate scammer. We gotta do an episode on him. When the hurricane came through Houston, he was not opening. He closed.

[B]

He would not open the doors. I was like, sir, you are a man of God.

[A]

How you gonna do it? Like, how you gonna be the opposite of Noah's Ark, Right?

[B]

God said, come as you are.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he said, no, stay away.

[A]

But when Rona hit. You want him to come and give the coins.

[B]

Clearly. Clearly. Oh, Joe.

[A]

Joe, you ain't right. Well, guys, what's your relationship with scams? Bernard?

[B]

I actually really enjoy a good scam. I think they're very funny. I think a lot of them work, which is kind of crazy. My first introduction to scams had to be when I was looking for apartments, and they would say, hey, we don't live in the state, but if you can send us the money and we'll leave the key under the mat with somebody. I'm like, oh, this place Is nice. It's real nice. It's only $200 a month. What? I am moving in. You gonna put the key under the mat but not be here? Yes.

[A]

Oh, okay. And then you said, if somebody called the police, that's fine.

[B]

That's fine.

[A]

If I see people already in there, they moving out.

[B]

Oh, my God. I literally did that, though. I was like, okay, this guy's gonna give me this apartment. So I went to the apartment. I was looking inside. I was like, wait a minute, there are people in here?

[A]

Yeah. No, this is your apartment. You will have to enter through the window. We have a. The key is a rock. The key is a rock that you throw through the window.

[B]

It's fine. It's fine. They know you're coming.

[A]

Yeah, they know you're coming, but it is your apartment.

[B]

I was like, what?

[A]

Yo, it happened to me too. Because when you don't live in la, you don't realize that. Like, it's not like everyone, I think renowned, knows that New York is expensive, right? Like, we all know that the apartments are crazy and egregious, so we expect that. But in la, you kind of don't know before you move here. Like, you hear it's expensive, expensive, but there's more space, there's more land. So when I was moving here remotely, same, I was in Texas trying to find an apartment, this girl who lived in the Valley. But when I was looking, I said, los Angeles. Just so y' all know, if you're not from la, the Valley is not Los Angeles.

[B]

It's not Los Angeles.

[A]

It's very, very far away. And she was saying she lives in la, and she was offered an apartment for, I think, like, 400 or 600amonth. It was something very cheap for like, a large apartment. She had pictures up and everything. I had her send me a picture of her envelope with, I mean, of the mail. Like a. Like a power bill or electric bill with her name on it and the address to confirm that she lived there. Like, I tried to do all the things to stop it from being a

[B]

scam better than me.

[A]

I sent her half of the deposit. Cause I was like, I can't send you the whole thing. Cause I don't, you know. Then I land in the airport and she was like, okay, so I told you she was gonna sublet this one bedroom. But actually, I have to stay here for a few more days, and I have a roommate who's staying here. She gotta stay for a few more days, and I can't come to the apartment. Right now to give you the key. And I'm like, at. At the LAX airport. Yes. But I was lucky because she gave me my money back.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Yeah. But that was. Cause I had her address and I knew she lived there.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It was like. And I'm the bitch who will show up.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'll be on your doorstep.

[B]

Knock, knock.

[A]

Listen.

[B]

Hey.

[A]

And I'm not like, ups. I'm not gonna knock and then suddenly disappear. I'mma be waiting.

[B]

I'm waiting. Waiting.

[A]

I was like, I just moved here. All I got is time.

[B]

You did better than me. Cause Maya was a man in Nigeria. So

[A]

honestly, my favorite country. They are innovators. Instagramology.

[B]

They get it.

[A]

They got it all. They got the scams down. He said, yeah, your key right there, It's a rock. You throw it through the window and it'll be fine. And that's how you open it up. That's the key. I can't, Bernard. Well, listen, the decimal meter was high at that point. You were desperate because you were moving to a new place. You got time constraints. That's okay. Yeah, that's okay.

[B]

He didn't get my money, though, so it's good.

[A]

Oh, well, see, then you good cheat.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

But yes. So these are some scams that I find. So we do a segment here called what's Hot And Fraud. And that's where we're starting. And these are some scams that I found. Kind of nasty. No shade to the listener. Okay. I love you, whoever you are, but I'm gonna call you Ms. Jackson. Cause you might be nasty.

[B]

Ooh, I'm ready for this.

[A]

So the first one is, hi, scam goddess. Please don't use my real name, Ms. Jackson. I got you. He says, I have a couple of scams for your faithful flock. Amen. He says, my cousin survived colon cancer. Shout out to your cousin. Yes. And had to wear a colostomy bag for a while. To celebrate her recovery, her friend planned to take her to a concert. They went out to eat before the concert, and her friend had an idea while at the restaurant.

[B]

Oh, gosh.

[A]

She said, why don't we fill up one of your bags before we go into the concert so we don't have to pay for alcohol. Oh, there's even a tube we can drink out of.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

It's not like security's gonna check the contents of a colostomy bag. So they proceeded to fill a bag and reportedly had a great time at the concert.

[B]

Y', all, it's never that serious. It is never that serious. A baggie with a little tool.

[A]

Look, they do the wine, they do the wine bags, they do the wine purses. I remember one time we tried to scam Made in America when they did one in Los Angeles. Except for I had told. If y' all listening to this, I told y' all last of this wasn't gonna work. It was five black girls, right? And we ordered the sunscreen flasks off Amazon.com and they're like these big. It's like a 12 ounce sunscreen, like, bottle that looks like a real sunscreen bottle. And you can screw off the top and fill it up with alcohol. So we filled these up with Hennessy.

[B]

Oh, good. Ooh, I love Hennessy.

[A]

You know, Hennessy is just so strong.

[B]

It's so good.

[A]

If you don't got Purell. Guys, pour some Hennessy on your hands, because that Hennessy box the fuck out of some germs.

[B]

Good old hen. Hen will make you sin.

[A]

Ooh, yes, it will. So we pour these. We filled these with Hennessy, and I was like, guys, this isn't gonna work because there's five of us, we're black, and we have huge sunscreen bottles. They're going to catch on by at least the third girl coming in. No, we don't even need the sunscreen.

[B]

So that is so funny.

[A]

They were like, no, it'll be fine. I got through. My friend Jojo got through. And then the rest of them, they took them. The haters got their sunscreen.

[B]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

But I'm not mad at you trying to get some. Cause, you know, those drinks are a little overpriced at the concerts.

[B]

I get it. Did they clean it out? Did they clean the bag out?

[A]

I would hope it's unused.

[B]

Look, they did not put that in the note. Look, you can't assume they didn't.

[A]

They truly did not put that in the note. Ms. Jackson, I don't know if you might be nasty. They didn't put it in the note.

[B]

I mean, they figured alcohol clean gets rid of germs.

[A]

And you can't use a used poop bag. I mean, look, I hope not.

[B]

Desperate times.

[A]

I want y' all to scam, but also, I don't want y' all to get E. Coli, like. But I'm hoping. I'm gonna put. I'm gonna say that it was a clean bag.

[B]

We're gonna hope. Okay.

[A]

We hoping a new one. Bernard is not so sure.

[B]

Very skeptical.

[A]

And then we have a retired scam here, also from Ms. Jackson. Ms. Jackson says, My husband grew up very poor, and he and his family often went dumpster diving for Food America trash. Now, this was before the haters locked the dumpsters. Which I was like, that is wild that the haters locked the dumpsters.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

For why?

[B]

Why?

[A]

But you know what? Actually, it's because if you don't lock a dumpster, other people will throw their trash into your dumpster and fill it up before you can.

[B]

I get that.

[A]

So I doubt that it was because of people dumpster diving. It was probably because they didn't want the trash can full, because I used to do that shit. It's a restaurant by my old apartment, and I would walk by there with my trash and fling it on in the dumpster.

[B]

Oh, my goodness. I used to live in Baldwin H. And I would take my trash to, like, the neighbor's dumpster. And one day this woman was like,

[A]

you don't live here.

[B]

You don't live here. I was like, oh, my goodness.

[A]

You got caught. She was caught.

[B]

She was in a little brown, little car, waiting, sitting outside. Old black woman, you don't live here. I was like, okay.

[A]

She had time.

[B]

She had time.

[A]

She said, I'm gonna figure out who putting this trash in.

[B]

She called me all types of names, too.

[A]

She probably done gone through your trash, too.

[B]

Probably.

[A]

She was like, who is this?

[B]

Cause our dumpster was just too far.

[A]

And see, that's why they locked the dumpsters.

[B]

I'm the reason.

[A]

So the day before the dumpster dive, his father would go and inspect the food that might be thrown out. He would rough up a few cakes and maybe squeeze a loaf of bread too hard, et cetera. And then the family would dive the next day for the damaged food.

[B]

So the guy was helping him out.

[A]

So I'm guessing this was like a grocery store.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Cause if he's squeezing bread, you are right.

[B]

It sounded like a grocery store, Right?

[A]

So then he going in the back, and that's.

[B]

That's kind of sweet.

[A]

That's. Look, parents be out here hustling. Shout out to the parents. Making a way, making it happen. Cause, like, my man's is in here massaging, massaging bread, Mrs. Bairds and little honeyweed fighting cakes and dentin cans.

[B]

Look, shout out to you, sir, we

[A]

can't let you back in this Kroger. We see that you've been fighting the

[B]

food, and now we have to lock the dose in. Thank you, sir.

[A]

Aw, I'm mad that they got. They fucked up with this hustle. That one wasn't as nasty. The colostomy bag.

[B]

I mean, that was. Well, at least they had a good time though.

[A]

You know what? That's all that matters.

[B]

We just take shots at the house. Right?

[A]

You know what I'm saying? Like, that's like you could have just got full on the. What? Yeah, maybe one of them drove and they was like, we need to sober up during the. I don't know. You should just Uber, I guess.

[B]

Uber? Uber. In the Uber, have you a little water bottle or something, you know?

[A]

Yeah, a water bottle.

[B]

That's how you do it.

[A]

You know what? I appreciate the dedication to the fraud.

[B]

So my question is, does she have another baggie for her stuff?

[A]

Oh.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah. Cause she still gotta catch. Maybe she just. She could just throw that one on when they finish.

[B]

It's clean.

[A]

It is clean. It's like that's not when it's going in.

[B]

All right, that's really nasty.

[A]

We'll be back after a break from some non poop advertisements. Scams con. All right, guys, we are back. And this is our favorite segment of the show, Historic Hoodwinks. This is where I'm gonna regale Bernard with an infamous con. And we're just gonna get his thoughts and opinions and questions along the way. I want to shout out Vice and the writer of this article, Justin Roll Rich, because most of this episode is sourced from this Vice article. So, you know, shout out. We don't. We don't plagiarize. We don't steal.

[B]

No, we scam.

[A]

We scam. But we. But you know, we don't rock.

[B]

Right? Right. We do rock. There's levels to this. There's levels, there's levels.

[A]

But you know, we trying to be kind. So this is the counterfeiting missionary. Hallelujah.

[B]

Oh, praise be.

[A]

So in 2013, a counterfeit hundred dollar bill was used at a Pennsylvania coffee shop. It would lead the Secret Service from Pittsburgh society pages to the Darknet and finally to a Texan ex missionary living in Uganda.

[B]

Wow. Wow.

[A]

So on the day after Christmas in 2013, a counterfeit hundred dollar bill was used to buy a latte at Pete's Coffee in downtown Pittsburgh. Actually, no. What that is, I went to the University of Pittsburgh. Shout out to Pitt. Hey, Allegheny Gannett. Connect Gannett.

[B]

So you're connected.

[A]

Yeah. So I also participated in this crime. I've actually held a lot of counterfeit money.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. At a time there were counterfeit twenties really heavily circulating in New York City. And so when we got a 20, we would have to feel it market scratch the little. Like a corner where the head is at the bottom to make sure there's little ridges. Like we had way of figuring it out. Because people would come in with fake 20s and if we got a fake 20, it came out of our salary.

[B]

That's the thing. Like people in the service industry, if you give them fake money, they don't get to. They don't get. They don't get it. They don't get the credit for it.

[A]

You had to pay for it.

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

It would come out of our tips. If we took In a fake 20, it was on us because we didn't flag it.

[B]

True. Damn.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That sucks.

[A]

But I'm like, did I ever just take one and try to use it myself?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That feels like something I would do. Like I have to confiscate this.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Get out of here before I call the F, the B and the.

[B]

I put it right in that purse. Put it in my purse and go to the club.

[A]

Go to the club. Like hey, knock us out at the club.

[B]

Right. You know they not checking at the club.

[A]

Imagine at a nightclub how you check for bills.

[B]

You don't.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No. You just take that money. It's. Everything is going so far.

[A]

Yeah. It was slower. Yeah. I don't know what they do. Well, so it was used at this coffee shop. So somebody using. That's why most places like small businesses especially don't take 100 bills. Like you got you buying a three dollar coffee. We're not breaking your hundred.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

You laundering. So later that day, a counterfeit 100 bill was used to buy money. A money order at a Rite Aid. Okay.

[B]

See, that's the mistake. Why. Why are you buying money orders?

[A]

Because that's where you do fraud. That's the enterprise.

[B]

But everybody knows wiring.

[A]

We all know it. And yet it still happens every day. Wiring is the main source of like if you need to get your fraud money from place to the next Western Union crazy.

[B]

It's like you would think that you would know by now. Like we've caught so many people trying to. Trying to wire some money.

[A]

But then another 16 were. 1600 bills were used at a Western Union counter to wire $1500 and pay a 93 service charge to Uganda. Within days of that spending spree, counterfeit 50 bills became appearing around the city followed by counterfeit 20s. So they came in with a Honda.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Sent some money to Uganda, broke down and they came into the 50s and in the 20s. I. I love this.

[B]

We're the ones you don't care about the counterfeit ones.

[A]

That's like making counterfeit pennies. Like, oh, I really got them now. Like, well, how. That's gonna take way too long. I'm gonna make counterfeit pennies and box.

[B]

Please do it. Please do it.

[A]

I guess I would like to purchase this car. Hold on. Let me go get my U Haul full of counterfeit panties.

[B]

Be right back. I'm gonna take my ones to the strip club.

[A]

That's true. But that's not right, though. The Cardi Bs of this world do not. Yeah, you getting shamed now. They don't deserve you bringing in your fake dollar bills.

[B]

You wanna make it rain, you better

[A]

bring in some change and make it hail. So when agents looked at surveillance videos, they recognized the man passing the fake money as Joseph Graziano, which just sounds like a. I mean, I can just say I'm into it. Graziano lives in an 18 story condo building in the city's Golden Triangle, which is, like, a nice area. He was seen at charity benefits and turned up in the city's lifestyle pages now and again. Like, he was that. He was that girl in the city.

[B]

He was out.

[A]

He was in the streets. So he drove a $500,000 Lamborghini Murcielago.

[B]

See, I feel like they messing up

[A]

with vanity plates that read bankrupt.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

He wanted to get caught.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Look, like, why not just get vanity places that say criminal?

[B]

Right.

[A]

Crime.

[B]

Scam. Scammer.

[A]

So clearly, Graziano wasn't bankrupt, but he was a thief. Thief. After graduating from the University of Pittsburgh, shout out to my alma mater.

[B]

Okay. Oh, no. Yes.

[A]

We produce the best scammers. Shout out to pig.

[B]

You are very connected to the scam.

[A]

Volunteer education. Okay, you know what I'm talking about. I was. Pitt once scammed me. I was in a commercial for the University of Pittsburgh wearing a lab coat as a real student, and I had to turn around with a beaker and be like, hail to discovery. I wasn't no damn science student, but I was excited to get on TV because, you know, I always wanted to act, but these hoes did not pay me. And, you know, that was a nationally syndicated commercial that aired on espn.

[B]

Like, did they say they were gonna pay you?

[A]

No, we was all just happy to be there. We got scammed.

[B]

Scammed.

[A]

I should have been getting residuals out the booty.

[B]

Yep. Right now.

[A]

And that school is the most expensive public school in the United States. They got bread. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[A]

It's around like 120k to go there.

[B]

Woo. A semester or a year?

[A]

No, for the whole thing.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

I think. I think it's like 120 to 140.

[B]

My college career was much more expensive.

[A]

You were at a private school.

[B]

I did, I did, I did. I was like 125.

[A]

A year you went to. You said a year. Morehouse.

[B]

I know Morehouse. They got all my money.

[A]

Listen, I be wanting to date a Morehouse man, but then I'd be like, so how far out of this date are you?

[B]

Cause I know.

[A]

Hey, black king. What? Them loans looking like they crazy.

[B]

I'm sure crazy.

[A]

Listen, but it's an experience that you can't.

[B]

I'm so happy I went there.

[A]

Where else?

[B]

I'm so happy I went there. Shout out to Morehouse College.

[A]

Shout out to Morehouse College and also shout out to the University of Pittsburgh for producing excellent scammers.

[B]

Excellent.

[A]

So he allegedly spent the next three years siphoning $2.4 million.

[B]

Oh my goodness.

[A]

Out of customers accounts. And I'll give you the exact number. It's $2,441,294.35.

[B]

The 35 cents got me the 35. Just round it up. Just round it up.

[A]

Why are you taking 35 cents? I hate you so much, Graziano.

[B]

I mean, look exact.

[A]

And also 35 cents.

[B]

Also 35 cents.

[A]

Why not?

[B]

He could have gave that 35 cents to like a nice little homeless person. No, a tip at the coffee shop.

[A]

He was just siphoning money out of customers accounts. And I always wonder about this because the bank of America loves to give the girls a fee. You know, they got the cleaning fee, they got the account maintenance fee, they got the overdraft fee. And I'm like, that means you don't even have any money. And they go take $35 from your no dollars.

[B]

That's why I never.

[A]

And then when they take the $35 from your no dollars, if you don't give them more money immediately, they're like, we gotta take 35 more dollars from the other 35. From the other 35. Cause now we adding up in 35.

[B]

Scam. What scam?

[A]

Like bank of America is a scam. But I do participate with them for now.

[B]

Well, I still got em, but I had to let them go. Kind of.

[A]

I want to, but it's like I don't know where to go. I don't know where to go.

[B]

Such a toxic relationship.

[A]

It really is. It's abusive. Maybe I should go get one of them Harriet Tubman cards. Send them Harriet Tubman Wakanda Forever visas.

[B]

I. I truly do.

[A]

It looks very funny to me.

[B]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

So Graziano allegedly provided fraudulent financial records to get a mortgage and use phony titles to borrow money against a car that he no longer owned.

[B]

Like, what are you doing, son?

[A]

Imagine having a car and somebody put a lien on that joint.

[B]

Like, you rolling around with a lean

[A]

on your car, and you have no

[B]

clue and no idea.

[A]

Like, your car gets repoed, and you're

[B]

like, wait a minute. I paid cash. My little honda.

[A]

This was $3,000 a pecan. No, the government needs it back. What? John is a bold guy. Also, this mortgage.

[B]

I mean, you do.

[A]

And you know, John's a white man. Because black people can't get mortgages with good credit and money in the bank.

[B]

Can't do it. White man.

[A]

They were like, what do you have to show us?

[B]

I have all this money.

[A]

You drive a Lamborghini? Sure. So while he was under federal investigation for that, he is also to have said to sold iPads and MacBooks on eBay. And when his customers received their orders, all they got were empty boxes.

[B]

Yo. I mean, he kind of genius, right?

[A]

But here's my question. Why even mail the box?

[B]

Ron, just to hurt me even more, I'd rather just not show up.

[A]

He just got MacBook Air boxes on deck, just like, why even mail the box?

[B]

It probably wasn't even in a MacBook Air box. It was in one of those little cardboard boxes taped.

[A]

It's like, ha ha. Like, what does it say inside?

[B]

Just a bunch of peanuts in there. That's it.

[A]

And, John, are you saying anything to these people? Like, sorry, or somebody stole, like, what?

[B]

He's like, you should have known better. Meet me in the streets.

[A]

When his customers received their orders and they got these empty boxes, they obviously reported him. He was arrested and charged with 14 counts of embezzlement, bank fraud, and mail fraud. He faced 380 years in prison. Prison and $11 million in fines, but was released on $25,000 bond and ordered not to leave Pennsylvania.

[B]

Stop. Oh, he really was a white man. Clearly.

[A]

How you facing, like. Like, BC time, right? And they're like, okay, $25,000. Don't go anywhere. Okay, Love you.

[B]

Where he get the $25,000 from? Cause he's probably still 20s. That's what I'm saying.

[A]

He's not giving the court.

[B]

He is giving the court counterfeit hundreds.

[A]

He probably washed it and then gave it to them. Now it's probably definitely a result of his counterfeit money, but I'm thinking that he probably washed it.

[B]

Fake pennies.

[A]

So packages addressed to Garciano were sent from Uganda a short time after his arrest. The shipping labels indicated that they had been mailed by someone identified only as AB From a store in Kampala called Beyond Computers. Where's Kampala? It looks like Tame Impala. Chelsea, can we look up Kampala, the city? Kampala. I guess it's in Uganda.

[B]

I feel like I know a Kampala.

[A]

It's with a K. What up?

[B]

Kampala, girl.

[A]

It's the capital of Uganda. Oh, my God. We're both black.

[B]

I know.

[A]

We should probably know that.

[B]

I barely know the capital of woods here in the United States.

[A]

Look, it's not our fault, guys. We went on that bad carnival cruise ride. Now we don't know where we from.

[B]

Rona. Got me.

[A]

You cannot blame this on the Rona, which I just. I just love black people so much calling it the Rona.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

So inside the envelopes that were mailed behind pages of dummy paperwork were hidden compartments held almost $7,000 in counterfeit. So basically, they were sending these packages, and there would be a bunch of fake, like, paperwork on top and envelopes and whatnot to throw you off the scent. And then underneath, there was $7,000 in counterfeit cash. So two months after he passed his first counterfeit hundred dollar bill at Pete's the coffee shop, Graziano was arrested in Arizona. But authorities still didn't know who had supplied him. It was obvious that Graziano wasn't printing the bills himself. Simply counterfeits of Ugandan origin they spotted in other states. So simply like, this is all coming from Uganda. You're not making these bills, right? You got. It's just like, hey, send us real money. We'll send you fake money, and you can take the profit.

[B]

Got it?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So two months after he passed. Okay, so sorry. So already facing more than four lifetimes behind bars on his existing charges. He was in deep shit. So this is like. Remember he got out on $25,000 bond. They was like, don't leave Pittsburgh, right? He was like, okay, I'm good. And then he went to Arizona.

[B]

What is wrong with you? Don't leave Pittsburgh with your fake money.

[A]

Look, he said, I'm already facing. Like, that's too many charges to put on somebody. Cause at that point, I'm gonna be like, fuck it. If you tell me that I'm gonna

[B]

be in jail for 390 years, then

[A]

I'm leaving the state immediately. Are you kidding me? They would've been like, don't leave the state. I'd be like, I definitely won't. Hello. American Airlines, right?

[B]

The right Spirit, right? They gonna find you on Spirit.

[A]

They won't. Spirit. Probably not even keeping no records. Truly. We talk about Spirit out here all the time.

[B]

Really.

[A]

It's an Airbus. It's the Greyhound of the sky. If American Airlines, the friendly sky Spirit is the unfriendly.

[B]

Unfriendly.

[A]

You gotta pay for everything on there. Your seat belt, your water. You got the plane open up at the bottom. You gotta kick your feet down the tarmac to get it going like a.

[B]

By the time you're done, you already paid for a Delta flight. Truly, I'm like, I can't do it. And it's uncomfortable.

[A]

It's kind of like flight layaway. Because they're like, okay, this is all you can afford right now. And they will get you. If you're smart and, you know, bring your own water or buy your own water in the airport and bring your own seatbelt. And, you know, if you wear all your clothes on your body that you're gonna need for your trip, then you might actually just pay what you paid online.

[B]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

But if you can't manage to do all that, you will have to pay some money.

[B]

And Spirit has the nerve to have, like, a layaway. They have, like, a payment plan.

[A]

They have a card. I mean, y' all should have known that Spirit was trash because their airline colors are that of caution tape.

[B]

Like they were telling us.

[A]

They were telling us in plain sight.

[B]

Right? In plain sight.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Goodness.

[A]

But, yeah, so obviously, he jumps ship. He gets caught. So then he got a tekashi. He has to start snitching.

[B]

Oh, God. He's like. He's like, sir, who is it?

[A]

Well, all right. Y' all got pens? Y' all got pens? Y' all want me to draw sketches? I will draw everybody listening. I would do whatever y' all need me.

[B]

Full presentation.

[A]

Because he's got so many, so much time on his hands, I would have done the same thing.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So he said that he got his counterfeit bills through TCF Tour Carding Forum, which is a members only dark net marketplace dealing in stolen financial information. The seller's name, he told them, was Willie Clock.

[B]

Willie Clock.

[A]

What an alias.

[B]

That sounds real fake.

[A]

So clock.

[B]

Mr. Clock.

[A]

Mr. Clock, or Willie, if you will, had offered Graziano $4,000 in counterfeit $100 bills for $1,500 in real money. And Graziano bought his first batch in mid December. The money would arrive in a box of pamphlets. After the pamphlets were soaked in hot water to dissolve the glue, the reshippers were responsible for treating the bills with hairspray. A simple way to trick the kind fitting detecting pens that they use at checkouts before sending them off to customers who bought them. So basically, they come in a pamphlet, then you got to soak the pamphlet in hot water to get rid of the glue. So then you can get the money up out of it. Then you got to put some. Got to put some suave essentials all over the beer, all over the bill. And then that is supposed to trick when they use the little. Those little markers to check if it's counterfeit or not.

[B]

This is too much. This is really involved. I would've been like, look, I can't do all that.

[A]

Counterfeiting is work. It's hard work.

[B]

I guess he deserves that.

[A]

This is a profession.

[B]

Clearly. I mean, he calling people Mr. Clock. Mr. Clock out here hooking people up.

[A]

Hickory dickory dock.

[B]

Mr.

[A]

Clock, we call him Mr. Clock O'. Clock. So I'm into it. So meanwhile in Uganda.

[B]

Oh, goodness.

[A]

At the same time that all this was happening, phony US Dollars were streaming into the Ugandan economy. So they're also using them over there. So one of the high profile transactions, eight people exchanged $317,000 worth of counterfeit US dollars for real Ugandan shillings.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

So now they're doing it over there too. The guy printing the bills was an American named Jack Farrell.

[B]

These names, Jack Farrell. Mr. Farrell.

[A]

Mr. Farrell, we know. Okay. Investigators typed the name into Facebook, bringing up a profile whose bio declared, I'm a bad motherfucking cowboy from Texas. Working in Kampala, Uganda, for the next four months, doing everything you wouldn't want to.

[B]

First of all, why you got a Facebook page and you're a criminal. Stop it.

[A]

Also, why is your Facebook page like, I'm a criminal from Texas? I'm living in Kampala, Uganda. This is my address. I'm gonna be doing crime. If you want to find me, like,

[B]

and repost, meet me at the nearest bar in Kampala.

[A]

Like, what a weird flex, bro. Like, just get an Instagram and take pictures in front of a group of little black kids in front of a school, like every other white man does when they go to Uganda.

[B]

Every white man does.

[A]

That's all you gotta do. You don't need to tell us all this. Get out there with your cowboy hat, get all the kids together. In front of school and take your picture. Take your picture.

[B]

Tell them to smile because they ain't really happy to be in the picture. You gotta tell them how many of

[A]

those have they had to do? I hope that. Well, I mean, also, like, you got like, Uganda's a developed nation, so this is probably not necessarily happening there, but I wonder, like, if any other schools. I don't want to say developed because I actually sound shady, but like, you know, like, if any of the schools that are kind of like more rural like that, if they started charging for those photos.

[B]

I mean, look, they have to be

[A]

taking so many of them.

[B]

If Superman could charge on Hollywood Boulevard, right? They could charge, yes. I'm like, look, you want my kids in your picture? That's gonna be US$5,000 if you're in

[A]

a rural part of Africa. Cause I hate that people think that the whole continent of Africa is like rural huts. And that's not a bad way of living. Those people live that way. They want to.

[B]

And they love it.

[A]

And they love it. I'm saying, I'm like, there's like some rich ass shit over there.

[B]

Like, y'. All.

[A]

It's fucking nice. In fact, I think that, like, most African countries be trying to hide how nice it is. They don't want us coming. But we're coming. We're coming to Uganda. I was mad. This year, everybody went to Ghana for the, oh, we're all going back to Africa thing. And nobody told me.

[B]

I would have gone. I definitely would have gone.

[A]

Nobody told me. I was like, am I like a bad black? Like, what's going on?

[B]

Bad black?

[A]

Why did nobody tell me that we were going back to Africa?

[B]

God, and it looked so funny.

[A]

It looked so lit. Yes. So this is. He's in Uganda and he's trying to flex on them hoes on Facebook, which also weird. Flex. Facebook. Not the place to flex. Agents ran the photograph through facial recognition software and got a positive match from a man named Ryan Gustafson.

[B]

Come on, look, if I had these names, I'd be changing to Mr.

[A]

Clock too, right? Because Jack Farrell is such a fake sounding name. But it's as a scammer. You need an alias. And so of course, his real name is Ryan Gustafson. So Gustafson had first visited Africa as a child more than two decades ago. In 1992, missionaries Leroy and Lisa Gust. Leroy. Leroy. Leroy. What's wrong with me today? Leroy Leroy and Lisa Gustafson went to Uganda with their sons Peter and Ryan, ages 5 and 3 at the time the purpose of their work, as describing on their blog, was to glorify Jesus, our Lord and Savior, and to fulfill his commands. To make the disciples of all nations to know God and make him known.

[B]

I'm glad these people are from Savannah, Georgia all of a sudden.

[A]

That's where I've decided that they're from. I feel like all missionaries are from the South. Some people do love to do missionaries.

[B]

I mean, they do.

[A]

They have a great time doing it. Revivals power to you. Anywhere. They can get out in the woods and trees and talk about Jesus.

[B]

Go for it.

[A]

I guess that's all they doing out there, child.

[B]

I hope so. But we know better. We know better. Netflix documentary looks better.

[A]

I may be a bedside Baptist, but I know we know so. An agent was sent to buy $10,000 in counterfeit dollars from Gustafson for 5.5 million Ugandan shillings, which is about US$2,000. The sale was made and officials tailed him home. And at about 4pm, Gustafson was put into handcuffs. So I wonder why they tailed him home and then just didn't like arrest him on the spot. Like, maybe they thought they were gonna find more of the outfit.

[B]

That's what I would think. They were like, where's your source? Are you the source? We need to figure it all out. Let's follow him.

[A]

And then just sat at his house.

[B]

He'll lead us to the source.

[A]

Yo, the FBI is the biggest hater organization.

[B]

I mean, they are a mess.

[A]

I started watching McMillions. Cause we did an episode on the McDonald's fries, and they are the biggest. Like, I. I almost can't watch the show because of how horny they are. To stop this scam. I'm like, the scam isn't hurting anybody. Leave us. Leave. Leave everyone alone. What actually was hurting?

[B]

I need to see it.

[A]

It was hurting the people who were being roped into it by the mob. Oh, yeah, because it was like, what is this? It's when this guy named Jerome Jacobson was stealing all the insta one game pieces from monopoly and he made like $26 million.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know about this.

[A]

Oh, maybe you don't listen to my podcast.

[B]

Oh, wait a minute. See? See, what happened was right.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So I got my check in my

[A]

savings, the house search and jail time. Then I gotta check it in the savings, the house search and jail time. A search of rented house allegedly recovered $180,420 in counterfeit US dollars and $15,722 in counterfeit euros. Oh, so we was also. We was international. Oh, he.

[B]

Rona.

[A]

Okay, okay.

[B]

He just like Rona.

[A]

Just like Rona all over. In addition to the counterfeit Ugandan shillings. Congales. Franks. Ghanaian cd.

[B]

What is.

[A]

Am I saying that correctly? Keddie cd. Y' all will correct me. And Indian rupees.

[B]

I mean, international. He all over.

[A]

He said, if. If we can fake it, we will make it.

[B]

We will make it. Fake it till you make it.

[A]

Monopoly money. Whatever. If.

[B]

Fake it till you make it. Was a person, right?

[A]

Literally. And I. And I love it. So authorities say that they found computers and printers and scanners, bottles and cans of inks, inkjet cartridges, 10 thumb drives, two paper cutters, counterfeit detection pins. So they testing it, too? They're doing a swipe with the pin. That's. This is. This is good. Trial and error. Peel off stickers that mimic security features found on euro notes. Two's tasers. And what are the tasers? And 200 glue sticks. Who knew you needed so much glue?

[B]

I mean.

[A]

Well, I guess they glue in the pamphlet.

[B]

What is going on?

[A]

They found pamphlets reading Give a child Hope today.

[B]

No.

[A]

With counterfeit US Dollars sandwiched between glued together pages, Western Union and moneygram receipts, and $10,000 money wrapper signed by Willie Cook.

[B]

Why do that to the kids? Don't put the kids on the front of it. Why not have a pamphlet like, Do I have Gonorrhea? Like, that's better than having the Hope for the Kids.

[A]

I mean, look, that's so rude.

[B]

I'd rather it be.

[A]

It's very unassuming and also rude because they're just like, oh, nobody has to know that we're in a city in Uganda. They'll just think that we're in a rural place and it's Africa. No one knows that like people.

[B]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

Oh, my God. So stupid. So the search also turned up a pair of anan hands. What are those? Molded rubber gloves that hide the wearer's fingerprints.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Mm. Smart. As he was being arrested, Gustafson continued to insist that his name was Jack Farrell until a search of his home turned up Ryan Gustafson's US Passport.

[B]

Nah, man. Nah, man.

[A]

I'm Jack.

[B]

I'm Jack Farrell, man.

[A]

I'm Jack Farrell, man.

[B]

Ryan. Who the hell. Ryan, I'm Jack, man.

[A]

I don't know him. I'm Jack.

[B]

Oh. Oh, that.

[A]

That id how long. How did you expect that to work, Jack?

[B]

Right? Come on, Mr. Farrell.

[A]

Like, sir. So they found his Texas ID card. As well. Oh, he's from Texas. Shout out.

[B]

I. Look, I'm telling you, Texas is doing it.

[A]

I love this scam. We've got my ex alma mater in here. We got the University of Pittsburgh. We got a real Texas king. I love it. I love it. Yes. I wasn't a Pete's fan, but I do know the coffee shop, but I'm not really into coffee. I know you love Dunkin Donuts, which is. We always say here, America scams on Dunkin'.

[B]

I love it. It's.

[A]

I'm not gonna say anything bad about

[B]

Dunkin Donuts, but it is not in my presence.

[A]

It is basura. So, Ryan, you're scamming your mouth out of. Out of a flavor. You're scamming your own mouth.

[B]

Well, I grew up on Dunkin Donuts. I can't help it. I can't help it. I do Starbucks.

[A]

So Gustafson's Colorado driver's license and official. So they found his US Passport, his Texas ID card and his Colorado driver's license. And an official Kenyan document charging Ryan Gustafson with unlawful possession of a firearm.

[B]

Nah, man. I'm Mr. Farrell. Hey. Hey.

[A]

Ryan, right? Ain't. This ain't not my gun. This ain't not my gun.

[B]

This ain't not my gun.

[A]

Guzzlerson's various social media accounts describing him as a project associate with the UN refugee shelter program in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Jesus, what a fake title to give yourself.

[B]

So he making up positions and stuff.

[A]

And one with so many words like,

[B]

come on, sir, Director of Engagement. Done.

[A]

That's what he could have just right. Which also sounds fake, but at least it's easier to read. I read this, and I'm immediately like, this is fake cultural engagement. So. However, the school told Vice News that it had no record of him attending. So it is a real school. And a UN spokesperson said that there were no records of Ryan Gustafson. And of course, Ryan was probably like, check Jack Ferrer.

[B]

Right? Can you check Jack?

[A]

Jack was working in there. So. Isaac Walkaga.

[B]

These names.

[A]

Is a lawyer who initially took Gustafson's case before withdrawing a week later without official explanation. But he told us the problem involved money. Damn.

[B]

So you try to pay your lawyer with your fake money. Get out. Get out.

[A]

He said, I was keen on representing Ryan. Unfortunately, we had issues with my reminiscence. Remuneration. Wow.

[B]

Sat words.

[A]

I'm gonna feel so dumb not knowing that word. Remuneration.

[B]

Remuneration.

[A]

Yeah. Specifically on when he was going to make a down Payment. So he was like, yeah, yeah. You gonna be my lawyer? Okay. Tight. Yeah, I am your lawyer. Okay. So I just need a retainer. Okay. It's $10,000. You got me?

[B]

Yeah, I got you. I got you, son. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

No, it's today though. Like as of now.

[B]

Oh, hold on. Let me go into my face. Fake wallet.

[A]

Don't go into your fake wallet. Oh, I, I, I need, I need real money. And also don't say that to me.

[B]

Oh, I can't say it's fake. Oh, my bad. Yeah, I, I. All I got is these fake dollars. That's it. And the fake pennies that I've been.

[A]

I'm like, take the fake money. I guess so. In July 2019, Justicen was sentenced to court. I'm sorry. In July 2019, Gustafson was sentenced in federal court to six years and two months. 74 of them months in prison. To be followed by three years of supervised release. And was ordered to pay $200,230,000. And eight. When you read like this for this long. And was ordered to pay $230,008. Guys, I've been trying to read. I've been trying to read this number for five minutes.

[B]

Chelsea has such kind eyes over there.

[A]

$230,890 in a restitution on his conviction of conspiracy to manufacture past Travers.

[B]

I still don't think she said it right.

[A]

I was just gonna try to skirt past it really quickly. That's what I do when I pronounce something wrong. He was charged this to manufacture, pass, transfer and sell counterfeit currency. Conspiracy to my. You can just leave this in.

[B]

I am now.

[A]

You're aggressively swallowing into Mike. I'm getting so much trouble. Everyone gets so mad at me.

[B]

What did you tell me?

[A]

Okay. Conspiracy to launder money and committing counterfeiting acts outside the United States. States.

[B]

We got through it. We got through it. Yeah, guys, we got through it.

[A]

I'm leaving that all in.

[B]

Please do.

[A]

If I have to suffer you all. I was just. So he went to jail for this. They searched his house and literally it was just a crime facility.

[B]

And then my thing is like do you have any workers here who's helping? Is there a manager on site?

[A]

Well, I'm sure this was like his full time job, but that is a

[B]

lot to do by yourself.

[A]

I mean look, he's a badass cowboy doing things you wouldn't want to. Like having to own and run a money printing organization. Alright.

[B]

I feel like he got a couple of those black kids from the picture. And he was like. He was like, look, I paid you for this. You gonna come over here and work for me? That's what I think happened.

[A]

The black kids from the picture probably were like, this is not shillings.

[B]

What is this? Is this George Washington?

[A]

This is not George Washington. He did not have a mustache. That's my general all countries of Africa accent.

[B]

I hate having a. Nevermind.

[A]

It's called the Wakanda.

[B]

It's called the Wakanda.

[A]

Lisa, you know that when you do

[B]

the Wakanda, like, agents would be like, you can do the accent, right? I'm like, but from where? What part of what part of Africa?

[A]

General continent of Africa. We all know it, but, you know,

[B]

it's different over here.

[A]

No, it is all the same.

[B]

Oh, okay. Okay, I'll work. I'm a general African. That's cool. Cool, cool, cool.

[A]

Coming to America accent. You know that one? I am.

[B]

I literally asked them of, like, is it like, coming to America? Is that what they want?

[A]

Why did I get an audition? They're like, yeah, either British or African. They're like, either do a British or an African accent for coming to America. I was like, okay. I did the African, of course. I mean, the job went to, like, Kiki.

[B]

Kiki Lane. Lane.

[A]

Yeah. I was like, it was an offer, so I was like, but let's just have fun. I was like, oh, my God. For that. For that. You cannot do this to me. I know the African community be wanting to cancel me, but actually, last time I did my African accent, they was like, okay. It sounded a little bit Nigerian. I was like, okay. I. Omo niger. Okay. Put your hoopo sticks in the air. Jollof rice everywhere.

[B]

Come on. Jollof rice.

[A]

I know. A little bit.

[B]

A little bit.

[A]

I'm gonna marry a Nigerian man.

[B]

I can see that.

[A]

Yeah. They throw money at the wedding. I'm into that.

[B]

Take all of it.

[A]

I have 10 weddings, right? Why does she keep having these? Why does Leslie keep having these wedges in these garages?

[B]

Scam. She a wedding scammer.

[A]

There's not even any food. She told us to bring a dish. And cash.

[B]

And cash. Put cash in the dish. All right. No, I see. Look, you ain't gonna have me out here.

[A]

The African community, the whole continent of Africa has to come after us for that. Because every individual country, we have offended

[B]

every one of them.

[A]

No, it's not our fault. That's just what Hollywood does. We don't know where we're from. Guys, we got on the boat. It made Several stops.

[B]

Oh, my goodness. And that's my issue with the whole swab your mouth. Oh, yeah, I won't do it. I was like, my thing is, like, how dare you take culture from me and then charge me to tell me where I'm from?

[A]

Right? It should be free. But also, I worry because, like, I have cousins who are criminals or, you know, scammers, right? Like, I'm giving up my DNA, then they gonna, you know, pull my cousin with the third strike. Like, I'm not trying to do that to my family. We know what y' all doing with that DNA. You keeping it?

[B]

Nope, not doing it.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

Mm. Refuse. My friends are like, but why? You can tell, like, what part of Africa you're from. Like, I'm good. I am black, right?

[A]

What we supposed to do? Go over there and find them? Like, that's not gonna happen. We're good with, you know, I know who my Granny Nim is, right?

[B]

We good. We good over here. We good.

[A]

The longer we're here, the more we know about our family.

[B]

I'm like, my grandma, real light skinned. So there's some white in there somewhere, right?

[A]

Some Indian, right? You know, some Native Americans. So we just gonna work with that.

[B]

We gonna guesstimate where we from.

[A]

Guesstimate.

[B]

We gonna guesstimate.

[A]

So, guys, we're gonna take a quick break. We'll be right back. If we weren't canceled by the continent of Africa, robbery and fraud. All right, guys. And we are back. And it's time for the last segment of the show. It's scammer of the week.

[B]

Ooh.

[A]

This is when I will tell you about a. I almost ate my mic. Bernard's mouth touched the mic, and he recoiled so intense.

[B]

Look, y' all don't understand the Rona, okay? The Rona.

[A]

My nose is itching, and I was like, I can't touch my face. I need to get a napkin. So I stopped touching my face. Oh, my gosh. Guys, we're out here. This is also. This is a scam because black people don't deserve this, okay? Our lives are hard enough.

[B]

Come on. And then you throw Rona on top

[A]

of it like we weren't already stressed.

[B]

Oh, goodness.

[A]

Oh, Lord.

[B]

Black people deserve a rest.

[A]

The scammer of the week, a Slovenian woman is being accused of insurance fraud after sawing off her hand. Police and prosecutors are trying to determine the truth after a 21 year old woman cut off her hand with a circular saw in January of this year. Bernard's faces.

[B]

I mean, is it that Serious. I like having fingers.

[A]

I think if you cut off your hand for insurance money, you deserve the insurance money.

[B]

Take it. Take it off.

[A]

I'm inside. Such a sacrifice.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

So her family says that it was an accident and that she was sawing off branches on a tree when the saw slipped. However, she's being accused of insurance fraud by investors in the country. In the country's capital of.

[B]

Take your time.

[A]

It's a Slovenian word. So there's a L and then there's a J next to the L.

[B]

Chelsea, can we get it phonetically, please? She shake her head like hell. No.

[A]

Lupigiana. You spell it. L, J, U, B, L, J, A,

[B]

N, A. I was lost at the second J.

[A]

It's L's and J's. Like, don't call me dumb.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

I can read. I just. It was the L's and the J's got me. Okay.

[B]

Oh, it's pretty.

[A]

Oh, it's beautiful. Okay, Slovenia go off. Okay. If you type in pronunciation next to it, it should come up, and then Google will read us for filth, because. Let me try. Let me try once before we play.

[B]

Let's both give it a try. Go ahead.

[A]

Ljubdyana.

[B]

Oh, that's not bad. Luzina.

[A]

Now, you know that's not good.

[B]

I think it's like Cadence. I'm trying to pronounce every letter.

[A]

Look, we're not trying to be xenophobic. We just can't read.

[B]

I just can't read.

[A]

We can't read good, guys. Like, I love all words. I don't know.

[B]

I just want to know what you tell it to me, though.

[A]

Yeah. I'm gonna be going off. I'm just saying this word all the time. Okay, how to pronounce. Here we go, guys. Who's right, who's wrong?

[B]

Who? We were both very wrong. That's all I got O.J.

[A]

bajana. Okay, I got it. I got it.

[B]

So obey pajamas.

[A]

So. However, she is being accused of insurance fraud by investigators in the country's capital of Ujay. Bajana.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did that sound like that? Edit everything else out? I just wanted to sound like I knew what that word was. So the woman had taken out five different insurance policies in months before her injury and had only made two to three monthly payments for them. So she was getting insurance. She was going up to the black man at Allstate, and she was like, give me them hands. I'm trying to be in them.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Say y' all in good hands. I'm trying to be you. The president from 24. Give me some shurance.

[B]

Some shurance.

[A]

Some shurance. She said Allstate. Y' all cover my. She shed just progressive. Get flo ass out here.

[B]

Flo. Flo.

[A]

Flo. Give me one of them aprons, sis. Okay. Give me that. Best check your price, too.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

She signed up for all these joints. Then she paid for, like, two to three months, which is not a lot of time.

[B]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

And then all together, for her injury, she would have received. For the hand chop, she would receive $430,000 in monthly payments of $3,388 for 10 years with smaller monthly payments thereafter. So she was gonna get about half a mil. But over 10 years, it ain't worth it. I mean, can you live off. You can live off three. It would be hard to live off, like, 38 or $3,300 a month. That's.

[B]

That's hard.

[A]

That's hard. Yeah, but maybe this was the supplemental income. She was like, now I got my bag secured.

[B]

If you cutting off, it better be.

[A]

Cause that's at least rent and probably a car note and maybe your utilities, some bills. So just, like, base rate is like, I'm set.

[B]

Hey, guys, I'm just gonna cut off my hand for the base rate. Like, no.

[A]

However, she has not received anything to date and is being detained, unlikely to walk free anytime soon. The woman was unemployed and had no other source of income at the time when she bought these life insurance policies. So sis was just like, I'm just gonna.

[B]

I'm gonna wing it. I'm gonna wing it. We gonna see what happens. Y'. All.

[A]

Y' all can't put this girl in jail. She already chopped off her hand. That is the prison.

[B]

She is going to jail. And while she's there, she won't be able to wave with her right hand. That's it.

[A]

You know, that's not cool. If you chop off your hand and you don't get away with the crime, then you should not have to go to jail.

[B]

She should seek help, though.

[A]

Well, she not gonna get help in jail.

[B]

She should go to jail and also seek help.

[A]

I just feel like she shouldn't go to jail.

[B]

She cut off her hand and tried to.

[A]

That is the punishment. She cut off her hand. She doesn't have her hand.

[B]

No. That was a dumb decision.

[A]

I think it's too much for him to go to jail. She was only 29.

[B]

She gotta make better decisions. She'll learn. She will learn. No.

[A]

So it says her and her relative, who's also Being detained could face one to eight years in prison if convicted of insurance fraud. So I'm trying to figure out what her relative did.

[B]

I'm about to say you rope granny into this too.

[A]

Now, her family did say that it was an accident, and I'm sorry. She's 21. She's 21. Her 29 year old relative is also being detained. So she's young. Like, you should, like, when you're 21.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

We all did some dumb when we were 21.

[B]

I did not cut off my. My hand when I was 21.

[A]

You ain't cut off your hand when you were 21. You wasn't really living there.

[B]

I drank Everclear.

[A]

Okay. That's the same thing. That is the same thing.

[B]

Yeah. That was. That was my drink of choice. Everclear was great.

[A]

Everclear is literally gasoline. Like, you might as well just went to Exxon and like, turn up.

[B]

Gosh, when I was 21, if I did not, like, throw up, it was not a good night. That was my mentality when I was 21.

[A]

I don't know why in America. I do know why. It's because of our drinking age that, like, college becomes this culture of drinking, or being 21 is a huge culture of drinking because you're not legally allowed before that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And before that, you gotta use a fake ID and like, pray that you're gonna get in, like, oh, my God. So then when we started drinking, we were like, all of it.

[B]

All of it tonight.

[A]

Drink till I hurt.

[B]

Absolutely. If I didn't throw up, I was

[A]

like, damn, drink and have a bad time.

[B]

Wake up the next day in somebody else's bed.

[A]

Oh, stress on my body. Yes.

[B]

I may die.

[A]

That's fine, right? Risk my life.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Absolute apple.

[B]

So.

[A]

Oh, no. So the 29 year old relative must have lied to insurance as well and could face up to eight years if convicted of insurance fraud. Investigators learned of the alleged fraud through routine system checks, which led to about 100 arrests each year for different kinds of insurance fraud. After the woman's hand was severed, her family took her to Lubigana University Medical Center. It doesn't sound like anything else. I said without the hand. In what police claimed was an attempt to make sure that her disability was permanent so she could have.

[B]

It just gets better.

[A]

You are 21, girl. They let. They was like, throw the head out,

[B]

get rid of the hand.

[A]

You let them put your hand in the garbage, take you to the doctor so you could never have no hand no more. Well, you. You had. She had to be on some kind of drugs.

[B]

I mean. Had to be. Had to be. I just.

[A]

But also, this is how desperate people are for money like this. To me. Like, if you're willing. Yeah. If you're willing to cut off your hand for a check for 10 years, that. Which then you'll be 31, so. Sis, that's not even, like, Right. You still young. Your life. Like, you're still so young. Like, you must have been in dire strains.

[B]

I hope so.

[A]

She had to have been.

[B]

Or she was just like, you know what? I'm gonna try something new today.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

I'm gonna chop off my hand.

[A]

Look, I've been broke, and I've been to the point where I was like, I don't know, maybe these strippers got a point. Or, you know, give me a little. Only fans. Like, I've thought about it. I don't think there's anything wrong with sex work at all. But, you know. But I've never been like, let me chop off my hand.

[B]

I mean, if she would have just did, like, a tip of the finger, I would be like, okay, you know, get a little money for the tip of the finger, but the whole hand.

[A]

I can't. I'm not okay with this.

[B]

You're like, no, no, no, no, no. A pinky finger.

[A]

But the doctors were basically like, why you ain't bring the hand in? They're like a doll.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

No, they didn't say that. But they're like. But the doctors called the police because they're like, where's her hand? Like, so they were actually able to retrieve the hand. The police were. And the surgeon subsequently sewed it back on.

[B]

Oh, they got it out of the locked dumpster. That's what happened.

[A]

And her hand is recovering well.

[B]

Oh, so this is. This is a happy ending.

[A]

No, she's going to jail.

[B]

She got her hand back. This is good. It's good. Good storytelling.

[A]

How she can, like, move all her digits.

[B]

That's a good question.

[A]

Cause doctors, they know how to do that kind of stuff where they like.

[B]

But, like, how do you explain her on a date? Hey, you see this big old, you know, surgical thing?

[A]

Well, she ain't going on no dates. She about to be a prison wife.

[B]

I chopped off my hand. Oh, that's true. She gonna be a prison wife, but she gonna be real popular. She like, girl, you got. You got nervous.

[A]

Oh. Cause she. I was like, what you trying to say? She's gonna do some freaky stuff with her head.

[B]

You're Engrossed her mind of his own. She like, I don't know what it's

[A]

doing, but it's doing something.

[B]

Come here, girl. Come get you some of this.

[A]

This episode's gonna get me canceled. We. We. Listen, I'm not gonna be able to be employed anymore.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

I just want to put out a public statement of apology for this episode and for everything that I said. Our culture is not a costume. And yes, I said. I said our cuz I don't know where I'm from. So technically, I'm from from everywhere. Since I don't know where I'm from. I'm from all the places.

[B]

All the places.

[A]

All the countries in Africa. As Raven Simone would say.

[B]

Oh, my God, now you're gonna have Raven on you. See, you are not helping yourself.

[A]

What? I just. That's a quote. I ain't say nothing bad. She said that.

[B]

Who said that?

[A]

Who said that?

[B]

Who said that?

[A]

So, guys, as always, please email in, rat out your friends and family. Tell us about the colostomy bags you drank out [e-mail] and you can find me at scamgoddesspod on all platforms. And you can find actual me, Lacy Mosley, at D I V A L A C I divalacy on Twitter and Instagram if you want to see my shenanigans. And Bernard, we always ask, where do you want to be found?

[B]

You can find me on Instagram. That's B E R N A R D D A V I D J O N E S. I just always wanted to do that.

[A]

It was great. It was very in pr. Thank you. Also uncorked on Netflix.

[B]

Yes. Uncorked on Netflix March 27th. Written by Princess Penny.

[A]

Yes. Written by Prentice Penny and directed. And directed by him. That's the director of Insecure Guests. So get into it. All right, Congregation.