The Patriarchal Draw Four

Summary

Scam Goddess – “The Patriarchal Draw Four” Host: Laci Mosley; Guest co-host: Priscilla Davies
Date: September 22, 2022
Podcast Theme: Exploring real-life scams and celebrating the artistry and audacity of fraud, with humor and listener-contributed stories.

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Episode Overview

This episode of Scam Goddess, “The Patriarchal Draw Four,” features Laci Mosley and Priscilla Davies reading and riffing on listener-submitted scam stories. The episode showcases hilarious commentary on two major listener scams: one from “Bruce,” a self-confessed retired scammer with an eventful criminal past, and another from “Geraldine,” detailing a harrowing encounter with pushy, borderline predatory vacuum salesmen. The conversation weaves in themes of gender, safety, and scam-spotting, all delivered in the podcast’s irreverent, quick-witted style.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Scam Remembrance: The Scammer Dentist (00:34–02:46)

• Laci tells a story about her deceased “scammer dentist,” who was notorious for overcharging and cutting corners in bizarre ways (“He was a hoot. So…listen, my teeth and gums may not agree, but…he was hilarious to me.” – Laci, 01:51).
• Scene-setting: Balenciaga pillows, empty office, and rap videos on a big screen TV.
• Sets the show’s playful tone: “Shout out to him. But, you know, let’s get into it.” (02:46)

2. Listener Letter #1: Bruce, the Retired Scammer (03:13–19:31)

Childhood Candy Scheme (04:07–06:22)

• Bruce began scamming in junior high, selling Kool-Aid powder in sandwich bags as “ultimate sour candy.”
• Reflects on classic student entrepreneurship and the pitfalls—getting shut down due to messes (spills on carpet!).
• Laci and Priscilla discuss the mechanics (“You gotta cut it like cocaine. You cut it with sugar…then put it in a plastic bag.” – Laci, 05:12).

Early Digital Forgeries (06:39–08:46)

• Bruce’s early use of Microsoft Paint to craft fake coupons for local fast food restaurants, cashing in on “good student meal” promotions.
• Notable quote: “Honestly, at this point, you deserve the meal. You’ve worked for it.” (Priscilla, 07:57)
• The coup: He calls the principal pretending to be Dairy Queen staff to validate his forged coupon and scores an ice cream cake. (“God damn, Bruce, you’re fucking ruthless, dawg. You’re a genius.” – Priscilla, 08:46)

LiveLinks Party Line Scam (09:10–12:18)

• Teenage Bruce impersonates customer service on party phone lines to phish for credit card info, spending his ill-gotten gains via catalog orders—until his stepmom intercepts and steals the packages.
• “Not your stepmom was scamming you.” (Laci, 12:18)

Elaborate Limo Fraud (13:13–14:49)

• Bruce books a limo using a stolen card and invents a deadbeat dad persona to justify not being present for payment—then flees post-ride.

Personality Analysis and Downfall (14:49–19:31)

• Laci and Priscilla riff on astrological signs and the psychology behind serial scamming: “You didn’t have an end goal… This was your amusement park. It’s just robbery and theft.” (Laci, 14:03)
• Bruce ultimately goes to prison for an ambitious fake check operation, betrayed by an acquaintance.
• Grown-up reflection: “I started a business and realized America is a fucking scam.” (Bruce, 16:08)
• Extended riffing on Scorpio vs. Sagittarius traits, especially perseverance and stubbornness in both scams and arguments: “Scorpios…the type of boxer who’s like, ‘I don’t got a knockout for you, but I’ma go 10 rounds, and you’re gonna be so fucking tired by the end…’” (Laci, 17:49)

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3. Listener Letter #2: Geraldine Versus the Vacuum Wolfpack (20:39–52:43)

Setting Up the Scene (20:54–24:43)

• Geraldine, archetypal “Black auntie,” reluctant to ever open the door to strangers. “Normally I would hit the floor and army crawl out of view…” (Geraldine, story as read by Priscilla, 21:26)
• Vacuum salesman (selling Kirby vacuums) insists on demonstrating a product inside.
• Commentary: “It’s not 1937. I’m not letting no motherfucking vacuum salespeople into my fucking house, okay?” (Priscilla, 23:54)

The Sales Pitch Turns Sinister (24:43–33:41)

• Despite stating she owns a Dyson, Geraldine succumbs to pressure to let the salesman in, ultimately finding herself with two salesmen in her bedroom, surrounded by vacuum attachments.
• “Vacuum the outside of the window, bitch. It’s a whole window out here.” (Laci, 24:58)
• Political/gender commentary emerges: societal pressure for women to avoid direct refusals, and the safety tactics ingrained in women (“It’s not stupidity. We’ve been conditioned to not say no, and that also is a survival technique…” – Priscilla, 28:47)
• The dynamic shifts from pushy to threatening. “So now they’re trying to pressure you. One, they’ve already ignored your boundaries…” (Laci, 34:31)

Escalation: Fight or Flight (33:41–41:18)

• The men threaten her, urge her to hide the $500 vacuum purchase from her husband, and verge on physical intimidation.
• Geraldine, feeling unsafe and immobilized by pressure, finally texts her husband, whose arrival as a “large guy with a looming presence” cues the salesmen to immediately flee.
• Extended humorous, exasperated commentary on tactics women might use to escape: “At this point, fuck fire. Just get acid. Just acid everything and go right.” (Priscilla, 36:20)
• Satirical calls to action: raising “GoFundMe” to send Kirby salesmen to Guantanamo (53:05).

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4. Advice and Social Commentary (41:18–51:57)

• Both Laci and Priscilla urge listeners (especially women) to set boundaries and not be afraid to say “no”—or simply not open the door. (“Don’t open the door to strangers. We all learned that as latchkey kids…” – Laci, 49:06)
• On bystander accountability: “If you have a nickname for one of your homies that involves them being creepy, you’re also creepy for allowing it to happen.” (Priscilla, 47:07)
• On the nature of unsolicited sales: “When people are trying to create demand, it’s a fucking scam.” (Laci, 45:52)
• Encouragement to develop exit strategies, emphasize safety, and acknowledge that scammers rely on social politeness and pressure.

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5. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “He done scammed his way off the planet, child.” – Laci, on the scammer dentist (00:34)
• “You gotta cut it like cocaine. You cut it with sugar and then put it in a plastic bag.” – Laci, 05:12
• “Not you calling, pretending to work at Dairy Queen and then handing the phone to the employee and being like, ‘okay, so they said they gonna honor it.’” (Priscilla, 08:51)
• “This was your amusement park. It’s just robbery and theft. You were like, I’m getting on all the robbery rides.” – Laci, 14:03
• “If you can’t trust your stepmom, who can you…?” – Priscilla, 16:05
• “My husband is a contract killer. He just out finishing up a murder right now, but he said he gonna be home in the next 1 to 30 seconds with all his guns fully loaded, just shooting.” – Laci, 35:09
• “You’re doing full-on research for a fucking paper…while the crime is currently happening to you.” – Priscilla, 41:25
• “Don’t open the door to strangers. We all learn that as latchkey kids.” – Laci, 49:06

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [00:34] Remembrance of the scam dentist
• [03:13] Introduction to Bruce’s scam stories
• [04:07–06:22] The Kool-Aid powder “candy” hustle
• [06:39–08:46] DIY fake fast-food coupons scheme
• [09:10–12:18] LiveLinks/credit card info scam + stepmom twist
• [13:13–14:49] Limo scam and character-building in fraud
• [14:49–19:31] Prison for check fraud and scammer psychology
• [20:54] Geraldine’s vacuum salesman story begins
• [23:54–27:00] Commentary on gender policing and refusing sales
• [33:41–41:18] Escalation and rescue by spouse
• [49:06] General advice on scams, refusing unwanted solicitations

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Episode Takeaways

• Scamming can start innocently but escalate quickly, especially when thrill-seeking and opportunism outweigh strategy and discretion.
• Pushy, high-pressure sales tactics (such as those from door-to-door vacuum salesmen) exploit politeness and socialization—particularly for women—and can cross into predatory territory.
• Safety and boundary-setting come first; listeners are encouraged to trust their instincts, practice assertiveness, and not worry about seeming rude to strangers.
• Recognizing patterns in scams helps inoculate against them—if someone’s creating urgency or unsolicited demand, “it’s a fucking scam.”

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Stay schemin’—and stay safe.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome, congregation. It's your girls here to talk about your scams.

[B]

The singing. It's your girls. Hi, I'm Lacey Mosley.

[A]

And I am Priscilla Davies. And as you know, we are here to read your listener letters about scams that you may have participated in, you may have witnessed or might be the scam of an enemy. Those we're really seeking, by the way, guys, we're really seeking enemy scams, okay?

[B]

Snitch on your friends, your family, and most importantly, your enemies. Enemies at scam. Got a spot. Gmail dot com. Oh, goodness. Okay, I. I do have to say this. My scammer dentist who I stopped going to cuz he was a scammer. I don't even. It's. I know it sounds like a bummer, guys, but I just got an email that he died and like I left. I stopped going to him pretty recently because I found my old dentist who was really good. And. And I mentioned the scammer dentist and he kind of made a face like, yeah, he be scamming. And now I'm like, oh my God, he done scammed his way off the planet, child. Aw.

[A]

Wow. Rest in peace, doctor.

[B]

You know what? He was an amazing scammer, so I just want to shout out to him. He had like Balenciaga pillows. If you missed an appointment, he would charge anywhere from 100 to 275 if you had to do a 24 hour rescheduling. One time he was filling in one of my teeth and then he asked the dental hygienist for something that's supposed to push the nerve back in before he filled in the. The cavity filling. And the assistant was like, oh, I think we ran out of that. And he was like, I'll just make it work. He's like, in my mouth. I'm like, huh, make it work. All right. No, no, that's not what I want to hear. He's like, nah, we'll just. We'll just make it work. But I'm like, my mouth is open. This man is just in here doing anything. He was a hoot. So

[A]

listen, my teeth and gums may not agree, but.

[B]

No teeth and gums are like, this is. This man was terrible to us, but he was hilarious to me. And I never saw anybody in his dentist's. It would literally only be me, the hygienist and the receptionist.

[A]

And the Balenciaga pillows.

[B]

And the Balenciaga pillows and a very large flat screen that would usually be playing Bad Bunny or other rap videos. It was all white and it Looks like could be a nightclub.

[A]

But this guy was a character.

[B]

You know what it looked like? It looked like a single. A really hot girl who's out on a Tuesday and a Wednesday night. And she's probably got a few sugar daddies and has dated some pro athletes. And she's got an apartment. And this looks how her apartment would be decorated. You know, like lots glass, white feathers, white rugs, and white. You know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The hot girls love an all white moment in the bedroom.

[A]

Yeah, they do. I do.

[B]

So it was giving very much that. So, you know, just gotta say that up top. You know, scammed. Scammed all the way. Shout out to him. But, you know, let's get into it.

[A]

Let's do that. Yeah.

[B]

Cause we've been doing. We're doing two letters at least an episode.

[A]

We are doing at least minimally two.

[B]

That's definitely. Probably two.

[A]

Minimally.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Listen, if you guys want more stories, you got to make them. These are long. I'm not gonna lie. Like, these are essays, y'. All. And they're not even double spaced.

[B]

And I love it. Sometimes the scam is too long to just truncate.

[A]

And I get as long as I get that, too. I get that.

[B]

Details are there. I need a fake name for this person.

[A]

Bruce. Bruce.

[B]

Bruce. All right, Bruce. So Bruce says, long time, first time. I love a quick intro. Bruce. Yes. Bruce says. I want to start with a disclaimer. Everything I'm about to talk about has either passed the federal and statute or state statute of limitations, or I have already been convicted and served a sentence for it. Yes, Bruce. Bruce, you better give us double jeopardy.

[A]

God damn, Bruce, you coming in hot.

[B]

And I love it. So we're snitching on ourselves today. The scammers retired and the statute has passed. I love this for us.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So Bruce says. So when you say a scammer needs to know Photoshop, I feel this on a deep level.

[A]

Amen.

[B]

I started scamming in junior high. This was a time when sour candy was very popular. I would take Kool Aid packs and put them in sandwich bags, and I'd sell them as the ultimate sour candy. I made bank until the first person split, spilled on the carpet, and then tried to clean it up with water. It went on like this until about 10th grade. And that's when we got our first computer. So I love that you were putting Kool Aid dust. I hope you was at least mixing in a little sugar. Cause Kool Aid dust on its own tastes nasty.

[A]

We've all done it Thinking that it was gonna taste bald.

[B]

And that riboflavin burns and it stinks.

[A]

It literally numbs your tongue. It numbs your tongue.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm wondering where. How did we get the sour? I wish you had given us a little bit more detail.

[B]

Well, the Kool Aid is the sour. You gotta sugar in the Kool Aid, mix, and then put it in a plastic bag.

[A]

Now, are we talking the Kool Aid from the little packets or from the container? Cause the container is sweetened.

[B]

Okay, yeah, the container already has the powder in there. So. But he said packets or Bruce. Bruce said packets.

[A]

That's what I thought. So how. Because from the packet, it just tastes like blue dye number 22.

[B]

No, you just gotta cut it like cocaine. You cut it with sugar and then put it in a plastic bag.

[A]

So the sour comes from the Kool Aid?

[B]

The Kool Aid, yeah.

[A]

Oh, okay. Damn. I was about to say. I was like, damn.

[B]

Extra points. Bruce. Bruce. If you was giving people a little dummy sucker with it to dip or maybe a pickle, you know something, if you're really giving them an experience, it was like, y' all don't need to go get the dipping sticks. I got it right here.

[A]

Now, you can't eat those dipping sticks, though. They're not edible.

[B]

My dipping sticks are not edible, and they're not FDA approved. Okay. Don't ask. But I also love just the fact that the scam was ruined by someone dropping it on the floor and fucking it up for everybody. Cause that's when it probably got banned. The teachers was like, all right, no more of this Kool Aid. Shut his whole business down also.

[A]

Yeah. And he says, when the first person spilled it on the carpet, why was your school carpeted? I mean, I know that sometimes they got rugs and shit, but I'm like, was your classroom carpeted?

[B]

I mean, some schools, I mean, they're saying that we got our first computer. So this is definitely a different time. If there was no computers in the school, it's.

[A]

Oh, yeah. It's like when.

[B]

And Bruce. Bruce said we got our first computer. It doesn't say our first computer.

[A]

Yeah. I feel like Bruce. Bruce might also be living somewhere rural or something, maybe.

[B]

So at the time, it was Windows 3.1.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Damn. That's when they just had a window. No, windows 95. It was just window.

[A]

It was just window.

[B]

Y' all want our computer program? Microsoft window, Microsoft peephole. That's all we got right now.

[A]

Microsoft look through, right?

[B]

So they had Windows 3.1, and they had a program called Ms. Print. It was also not Paint. I remember. Oh, Microsoft Paint. Okay, yeah, I said that like I didn't know what it was, but I know what Microsoft Paint is. They had a program called Ms. Paint. I'm so young. No, I know what Microsoft Paint is. It was no Photoshop, mostly because Photoshop didn't exist. But my next scam was to make fake coupons to fast food restaurants. Our local high school would give out free value meals and such to students for a 4.0 GPA and things of that nature. I had to pixel by pixel recreate the McDonald's, Wendy's and dairy Queen logo. I would write something like one free extra value meal for a 4.0 GPA on the back. And I just typed what was on the back, you know, to another coupon, all the legal crap. And it was a feat trying to print that double sided. I'm sure you had Microsoft pay in one window like you.

[A]

You were doing a lot pixel by pixel. Jesus Christ.

[B]

You were working on this for like. Honestly, at this point, you deserve the meal. You've worked for it. You earned it.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, literally, I'm on your side.

[B]

Okay. It was once a feat trying to print that double sided. But I figured it out once I decided I wanted an ice cream cream cake. So I made a coupon. The lady at the counter noticed that it wasn't signed. I did not know that there was supposed to be signed. So she said she couldn't honor it if it wasn't signed by the school. So I asked her if I could use the phone and call the school. They patched me over to the principal and I acted like I was an employee at Dairy Queen and inquired about the no signature. The principal told me it was most likely a mistake and that they would honor the coupon. When he told me that, I asked him if he would tell that to my manager and handed the phone to the employee who had continued her work. And I got my cake.

[A]

God damn, Bruce, you're fucking ruthless, dawg. You're a genius.

[B]

Not you calling, pretending to work at Dairy Queen and then handing the phone to the employee and being like, okay, so they said they gonna honor it. No, don't ask too many questions. Just listen to what they say and then give me the phone back.

[A]

Wow, Bruce, I. I'm all right. Like I'm with this Bruce.

[B]

So that started me on a spree. We would call Live Links, which is a dating party line. I would call on the girls side. I remember Live Links was like, we are 18. Call us now. I always wanted to be in one of those commercials. Like, that's what I thought would start my Hollywood career is I would have to be on late night commercials like, we want to talk to you now. And they're always like, in some undisclosed warehouse in a furry robe and some kind of sexy kitten heel laying on their stomach with their feet kicked in the air.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Live horny girls who want to talk to you now.

[A]

Call 1-800- well, I guess you can't curse. I was gonna say fuck me, but that's not. I don't think it does.

[B]

1, 800, primetime.

[A]

Not on primetime.

[B]

No, no, no, no. Not 1, 800, girls now. Oh, my gosh. And, you know, people called us. I remember Party Lines.

[A]

Yeah. I thought this is what it was. Live Links. Party lines.

[B]

I thought Live Links was where it was like the girls. And then Party Line was like, anybody?

[A]

No, I think party. Because he says we would call Live Links, which is a dating party line.

[B]

I could be.

[A]

I remember it being called Live Links, but it was like the party line where you would also, like, what was I at 13 doing on a fucking goddamn party line?

[B]

The same thing we all doing now on Clubhouse. They were just like, what if we brought back party lines? And it was like, well, it is the pandemic. I don't know. I get on Clubhouse and talk to strangers.

[A]

Let me tell you, Clubhouse. Clubhouse terrifies me. I fucking didn't know anything about it. So I like, I go on it and, like, I click. I'm like, oh, this sounds interesting. I click on it and suddenly I start hearing voices. I freaked out and I hung up so quick. And I've never gone back again.

[B]

I was like, you mean the voices weren't in your head, Priscilla? They were in the app. They weren't in your head. You could have kept listening.

[A]

No, they were in my head. I know.

[B]

They were like, ah, just drop the phone.

[A]

I was. Because I didn't know that it was a talking thing. I thought it was like, texts and shit. Like, I thought it was, you know, I didn't know, like, you talked like, that's my. I don't like talking to people on the phone.

[B]

I mean, Twitter is essentially a text party line. And then Clubhouse is a party line.

[A]

It's just a straight up party line

[B]

where celebrities go on and say insane things and get screen recorded and hurt their careers for no reason.

[A]

Jesus. I need to get back and maybe I need to go back, try it out.

[B]

You're like, oh, it's destructive. Okay, let me. Let me dip a toe. Yeah, I'll go back. So I would call on the girls side and for my name, I would say customer service 659. I would connect live with men and tell them I was customer service and that their accounts were being overcharged. I would say I needed their credit card info to fix it. And I would give them 1000 free minutes for the inconvenience. They would give me everything. I used these cards and ordered so much stuff from catalogs until I found out that my stepmom was getting to the packages before me and keeping them. Not your stepmom was scamming you.

[A]

See? Rotten, you know, rotten apple. Rotten tree.

[B]

Technically, step tree. But I love that. Like, it's all in the family.

[A]

It's all in the family. Like, obviously you're.

[B]

Listen, I'm not the stepmom. I'm the mom that stepped up, period, to the scams. Love that for both of y'. All. I asked her about some stuff and she claimed she bought it. Not her lying. I love it. Once I took the card info and convinced a limo company over the phone that I was the father of a 13 year old and that I was having a party at McDonald's and wanted a limo ride after I explained that the dad wouldn't be able to be there until after the ride because I was a busy businessman. It's funny thinking about it now, because nothing I said was scripted. I literally just created the character in my head. And he was a dad that wasn't there for his kids because he worked too much and he was trying to buy his son's love. Laughing emoji. See, this is why scammers be like this. Cause y' all be having fun.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, this is why you do it. It's fun for you. You like lying. Are you a Sagittarius?

[A]

Yeah, this is Sagittarius.

[B]

This is. They love lying. Sagittarius love them some lies. Pisces too. They're like, I live in my own fantasy.

[A]

My brother and sister are Sagittarius and Pisces. No, I feel like my sister, she's the Pisces. She's not a liar so much as she hides everything in her life.

[B]

Is it really a lie if it's just, like, several omissions of truth over the span of a lifetime?

[A]

They love secrets. They love secrets, man. But yeah, I'm like, bruce, I'm not gonna lie. The longer this goes on, I'm getting scared for you, Bruce. Cause it just feels like any. Anything you can do, you're gonna do it. And now I see why you went to jail.

[B]

Yeah. Cause there's no rhyme or reason, Bruce. You didn't have an end goal. You wasn't trying to make it out of the scam game. You were just like, how many people can I rob? This was your amusement park. It's just robbery and theft. You were like, I'm getting on all the robbery rides.

[A]

It's a little maniacal, Bruce. I'm like, bruce, you need help. You should go to therapy. This is concerning. It was funny if it was.

[B]

Bruce never changed. Bruce never change. Okay. Hashtag hags, have a great summer. Hashtag never change. Okay. I love you, Bruce. So Bruce says they let me make a payment over the phone with a card, but needed my signature. After the ride, I took the limo for five hours, used the car phone, which was 25 cents a minute, picked up all my friends and had a great time. At the end, I had to pretend to call my dad and go to the bathroom at McDonald's and then run.

[A]

I wonder how old Bruce is at this time. Because he's saying he's the father of a 13. He's playing the father of a 13 year old.

[B]

So he had to have had a deep enough voice to convince someone on the that he was an adult or they were an adult.

[A]

But then he also had to look young enough to play the 13 year old in the limo.

[B]

Bruce, what's going on? Bruce, we have questions. So many questions, Bruce, and we need answers.

[A]

Yeah, follow up, follow up.

[B]

This is getting long. So I ended up going to prison. Now, how you gonna skip, Bruce? We went from McDonald's to. Okay, this is getting a little long. So I went to prison. Let me just get straight to it. So I went to prison because I was making fake checks. These checks weren't on any real account. So I was scamming big corporations, not normal. People love that, Bruce. We got snitched on by an acquaintance, not a hater. Damn. Somebody didn't like all that fake check money you were getting. Bruce. Bruce, why were you not keeping your fake check scam a secret?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

An acquaintance shouldn't be in. Especially an acquaintance.

[A]

Yeah, Bruce, now you should have known

[B]

better because you could even trust your own goddamn step mama who was out here stealing your packages and lying, talking about she bought them. If you can't.

[A]

If you can't trust your stepmom, who can? You?

[B]

Yeah, where the hell can you go? Definitely not an acquaintance. Yeah, that acquaintance is a hater but as I grew up and learned lessons, I started a business and realized America is a fucking scam. Period. And, Bruce, you knew it. Period. Period. Pooh. And you knew that. That's why you were out here doing it. Purr. Love you, Bruce. So there's so many legal scams, it's not even illegal ones. I've learned that the hard way. But now I'm running successful business. I don't really work. I just hire employees to do everything and collect the checks. This all must be the Scorpio.

[A]

We thought it was a sag. Why am I not surprised? This is a Scor. You know how I feel about Scorpios, Lacey.

[B]

I feel the same way. Scorpio men, not as much. Scorpio women, whoa. Actually, Scorpio men, too. They all demons. They all demons.

[A]

You know, it's like they're demons. And I think the thing that adds, really, what bothers me about Scorpios, besides their demon ness, is their stubbornness. They're fixed signs, and fixed signs, they don't. They just. And I'm just like. They won't ever admit that they're wrong. They'll have you going round and round in circles, you know, sitting in a goddamn freaking vineyard.

[B]

Oh, God, this is getting so. You sitting at a table in the

[A]

hot sun on a vineyard, going around

[B]

and chilling, having the dumbest argument, having the dumbest argument, knowing damn well they're wrong. But they're like, scorp are the type of motherfuckers who. They'll be wrong. But they're like, I will make you fatigued. I can just. They're the type of boxer who's like, I don't got a knockout for you, but I'mma go 10 rounds, and you're gonna be so fucking tired by the end, you're just gonna lay on the ground and let them call it out. Cause you just. You don't wanna waste any more of your life. Spoofer's like, I will waste my whole life on this argument.

[A]

He's like, you don't know me, motherfucker.

[B]

I have time.

[A]

I have all the time in the world. Like, literally. And you're so right. Like, if I had folded, we would have been done. I was like, not on my. You're not gonna get me, bitch. Never that. I'm still arguing about that shit eight

[B]

years later in the shower.

[A]

And another thing, Bitch the fuck?

[B]

Coming up with all your comebacks, still eight years later. No, I mean, this also makes sense as to the emotional manipulation of calling the limo company and being like, I'm a deadbeat dad who gives my son love with money and not hugs. And I need to put my card on the phone. Cause this is what a deadbeat rich dad having a time, having the best time lying to these people.

[A]

Let me just say this much. I know why you went to jail. I do. And it's because you couldn't stop. You couldn't stop yourself. I mean, from the Dairy Queen to the Kool Aid to the limo, you know, and to the fake checks. Like you couldn't. You gotta know when to chill.

[B]

Or just keep it to yourself. Like, keep it to yourself. You wanted more appreciation for your theft. You wanted more people to know you telling acquaintances at like, listen to how I've been robbing these motherfuckers. Like, why are you doing this?

[A]

You like pulling out these? Like, look at this. It look real, don't it?

[B]

You see this check?

[A]

Look at this. Look at the serial number.

[B]

I'm finna pay, I'm finna pay for our bar tab with it right now, but it's complete. Everybody look. Hey, can I have the room?

[A]

Drinks on me,

[B]

everybody. You get a drink. You get a drink. How much is my tab? I'm gonna write a check.

[A]

Gonna write a check. We do that still, right? We can write checks for bar tabs.

[B]

Well, I mean, they said that they were in a car, a limo that had a car phone in it. So this is giving like early 90s, late 80s.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do limos have car phones, phones in it anymore?

[B]

I don't think so. Everyone has a cell phone. It's kind of become an obsolete thing. But there was a time where having a car phone was like.

[A]

That meant you were the shit, you were the shiz.

[B]

And it was like a whole ass house phone too. It wasn't like hands free.

[A]

It cord and everything.

[B]

It cord?

[A]

Yep. And it would be like right in between. In the center console.

[B]

Yep. The glove compartment. Imagine how crazy people looked like on whole ass car phones, like in the middle of traffic.

[A]

I mean, it was badass. Like you pull up and it's a fly ass car and it's like a 1983 Beamer. And this dude is like on his, on his. I was gonna say cell phone, but no, on his telephone.

[B]

And it's huge. The phone is huge. 100.

[A]

Yeah. I. I wish I had had that. But by the time I was driving, we had cell phones.

[B]

Right? Same, but also sounds like a time.

[A]

It was a time.

[B]

What a time to be alive.

[A]

The 80s, man.

[B]

Yes. Well, let's get on to our next scam letter here. See you guys too. Look at us.

[A]

Look at that. Well, can we get a name for this person?

[B]

Yeah, I'm gonna go. Geraldine.

[A]

Geraldine. Geraldine.

[B]

Geraldine has several peppermints in her purse at all time. And that strawberry candy that you can't buy in a store, it just appears in your purse after you become a black woman of a certain age.

[A]

Yeah. And it cuts up the roof of your mouth, but it's worth it.

[B]

Yep. Her purse smells so good too. Like the inside of her purse.

[A]

There's also like a mini umbrella in there. There's a lot of stuff in there.

[B]

Yeah. A tiny Bible, one folded up Martin Luther King church fan.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Several tissues.

[A]

Mm. Yeah. Some lottery tickets for sure.

[B]

Oh, yeah. The scratch off. And the number kind without a doubt, the pick six.

[A]

The pick. No, no. Okay. So Geraldine. Okay. Not really. But I generally will not open the door to anyone besides the UPS man carrying my goods. Normally I would hit the floor and army crawl out of view of the windows if anyone, including my mother in law, knocked. Let me tell you something, Geraldine. I am, I'm this. I'm 101 time when I was in college, I. A friend like, you know, I lived in apartments at this time and a friend like rang my doorbell and I was like, who the fuck? So I like, you know, army style crawl over there and I like creep, like crack it tiny, tiny through the blinds. And that bitch was like, bitch, I see you. She was like, bitch, I see you. Open the door. I was like, fuck, fuck.

[B]

I'm gonna need you to look through the peephole. Maybe I would see a tiny blind opening up.

[A]

Well, it'. It was like she was outside of the building. She hadn't actually made it in the building. So I was looking at her from like outside of the building, which just happened to be right next to the entrance, so I couldn't. There was no people.

[B]

She was looking directly at your window, waiting for that little tiny blind to crack open. She know you.

[A]

I was like, oh my God. I didn't know it was you, girl.

[B]

Come on, girl, come on. Listen, it's called being a woman. Every now and then you gotta army crawl and peek out your window. You know, it's called being safe.

[A]

You know, it's also just peace of mind. I feel like I just, you know, I feel like I need you to let me know when you're coming. Like I need to be prepared to get mentally right.

[B]

This ain't no sitcom. Don't be Just popping up.

[A]

Okay. Goddamn. Okay, so Geraldine doesn't even open this shit for her mother in law. So on this day, however, our front door was open. And my timing was such that an approaching solicitor caught the. As I entered the front room, I warily. Geraldine is a writer, honey. I warily opened the door.

[B]

Ooh, suspense.

[A]

Okay, Stephen King opened the door to the young man and his curvy vacuum cleaner. And he immediately started in with his pitch. I told him we were happy with our current vacuum. It was a Dyson.

[B]

Multiple dollar signs, which, yes, the Dysons are not cheap.

[A]

Yes. But he implored me to just let him in so he could show me the machine's amazing window cleaning powers. Now, now, Listen, it's not 1937.

[B]

No, it's not.

[A]

I'm not letting no motherfucking vacuum salespeople into my fucking house, okay?

[B]

You can get cars online now. Why the fuck would I buy a vacuum from a young stranger on my

[A]

front step on my doorstep?

[B]

I don't know. It's given. Jeffrey Dahmer. No, it's given. What's that, man? It's so many serial killer men out there, I don't even need to glorify none of them. But it's giving serial killer. You're not coming in my house to show me no back. Show me it on the grass. Vacuum, grass, vacuum, grass. If it's a good vacuum, then it's gonna get them leaves up. Okay. And then maybe we could talk.

[A]

Oh, so it doesn't do snow. Get outta here.

[B]

Right. Try to vacuum the dirt up from in between the concrete on the walkway

[A]

and also the grass blades.

[B]

Vacuum them bushes. And if you get the bushes up, then maybe we could talk.

[A]

Okay. Hey, can you get that little kitty chalk up that the kids drew? Yeah, get that up too.

[B]

Yeah, then we could talk. Maybe you could beat my Dyson. But you don't to come inside to show me shit. Vacuum the outside of the window, Bitch. It's a whole window out here.

[A]

Okay? Also, like, if you really are a vacuum, whatever salesperson, once somebody says Dyson, just walk away.

[B]

Right? They have the superior vacuum.

[A]

Like, no one's beating Dyson, dawg.

[B]

Right? That's like you coming over to Dior talking about, I got some shein I think y' all would be interested in. It's like, bitch, we're Dior. We don't need what y' all got.

[A]

Okay? You make knockoffs of us, right?

[B]

What you coming over here for?

[A]

So I told him we were happy, but he implored me to just let him in so he could show me the machine's amazing window cleaning power. So now this vacuum cleans windows too. Okay. I avoid these encounters partly because I have trouble saying no. Such was the case on this day. The man came in and we headed toward the sliding glass door located in our bedroom. Wow. All the way in your bedroom.

[B]

Damn, girl, that's not. I know, I know it's hard, especially as women, to say no to people. And that's why we lie and say we got a boyfriend or that we got a girlfriend or that we gotta go cause we gotta wash our hair. You know, that's why we come up with the lies to get out of it. Because unfortunately, men, a lot of men don't wanna take no for an answer. And if you come up with, that's why they don't ask you. I saw a tweet the other day that I really resonated with. It was like, stop asking women if they have a boyfriend. If you're interested in that. That's such a cowardly thing to do. And also, it's like, if I don't have a boyfriend, then all of a sudden I'm open. Just ask me what you really want to ask. Which is like, are you interested in me? Or do you want to go on a date and take your rejection on the chin? Not like, just, hey, hey, does somebody own you?

[A]

Right?

[B]

Does somebody own you? Because if not, I could own you. Because if you not owned by somebody else, then you are open for me.

[A]

And anybody can own you. Doesn't matter if you like them back.

[B]

Yeah, this ain't a two way street. Either you're spoken for or you're mine.

[A]

What can you imagine? I mean, I can. Cause it's a damning system.

[B]

Yeah, that's literally what they're doing.

[A]

But yeah, it's just like, exactly that. It's like, just fucking ask for my number. And when I say no, go away

[B]

immediately, run away, even sprint away.

[A]

You know, men should, you know, by this point, it's like, you know, y' all should know, like, this is a numbers game for y' all now. You know what I mean?

[B]

It always has been.

[A]

It's always been a numbers game. You know, there was a study where they. They had men look at pictures of women and then women look at pictures of men to see and have them rate who was attractive. And it was something like the men rated. I'm throwing out a number, but let's say like 60 to 70% of the women attractive in the pictures. And Compared to women, it was like 4%.

[B]

Cause that's because men literally get on dating apps and just like, swipe right, swipe right, swipe right, swipe right. I'm gonna get somebody, I'm gonna. It's like the casino for them where it's like women like, look, if you ugly, but you got a nice personality or you financially stable, you're not a. That could take you up the scale, without a doubt. That's like that game where it's like they're a 10, but they da, da, da, da. It's like you could be a 4,

[A]

but be a nice guy.

[B]

A nice guy who makes good money, who's consistent and romantic with some good peen. And then that could take you up. That could take you up to a seven.

[A]

It takes you up to a nine. It takes you. Yeah. Literally. Literally.

[B]

How good is the lighting in our house? That could take you to an eight. But it's like, how tall are you? Because then I'm very far from your face. I can take you to a nine

[A]

if you wear this paper bag over

[B]

your face, hold that money up to your chin. All right, now you a 10.

[A]

Okay? Yeah. It's like, guys, the numbers are not in your favor, so you should be used to rejection by now. You know, it's like being an actor in la. Okay, right?

[B]

We get used to rejection. People reject us every single day. Like, that's a part of our job and you just have to get used to it, go to therapy. But like, all of this, you got a somebody own you. Like, let that go.

[A]

Let it go.

[B]

So he done forced his way into

[A]

the bedroom, so I have no idea why I let him get that deep into my house. I shake my head at my stupidity even now. Listen, it's not stupidity. It is. You know, it's just we've been conditioned to, you know, not say no. And that also is a survival technique because, you know, I'll never forget, I was like 13ish around there. And I was with my bestie. We went to the city, to New York City. Cause I'm from New Jersey. And we went to the city to, like, you know, we thought we were gonna be doing hot shit. We went to the mall, okay? We walked around the mall as one

[B]

does as a 13 year old, literally.

[A]

And these fucking dudes, these little boys at the time came up and, like, were trying to get at us, and I just was like, you know, whatever, rolled my eyes and moved on and they left us alone. And as soon as they left my friend Grabbed me. She was like, girl, don't you ever do that again. They could kill us. And she like gave me this whole lecture, you know, and I always remember it to this day. She gave me this whole lecture about how you just gotta placate these boys and not actually say no to them. Cause they could go crazy. And, you know, and how many. You know. And it's true. Like, we hear the stories about women who have been killed, you know, who have been seriously injured for just saying no. And not even know. Like in like a.

[B]

A mean way. Not even like, get out of here.

[A]

Ew.

[B]

Or like, get away from me. Just like, no, thank you. Or I'm sorry, no. Or I'm busy. And then. And then all of a sudden your life's at risk. So we understand. Don't blame yourself for this society.

[A]

Nobody can blame me here.

[B]

Yeah, because society always want to tell women how to be safe. But they don't ever want to tell men to just stop being unsafe. Like, stop being predators. Like, that's never the psa. They're never like, why are we not teaching the men not to be evil? It's like, women, like, why you not. You supposed to have your hand, all your keys between your fingers. Mace.

[A]

You better look like the Wolverine, right?

[B]

You better have several rings that have little baby knives on them that pop up.

[A]

You better have a little alarm that you just pull the thing out.

[B]

A whistle, a pepper spray. Make sure it's pink. Cause you're a woman, okay? And you better know how to kickbox like Jackie Chan.

[A]

You better know that Krav Maga.

[B]

Why you not carrying several guns?

[A]

And they better be pink. Pink handled guns, right?

[B]

You got heels on. You better have a converter that sucks the heel into the shoe so you can run fast. I don't know what you were thinking coming out here, not ready for the Hunger Games, trying to go to Trader Joe's, okay?

[A]

It's so sad what we have to deal with.

[B]

It is.

[A]

So after his brief demonstration, I thanked him and reaffirmed that I was not interested at this time. He proceeded to start vacuuming our mattress.

[B]

And then I plugged in the vacuum. She was like, please go. He's like, nah, nah, nah. Hold on, hold on. We'll plug vacuuming the mattress.

[A]

Like, sir, just cause I had a couple cookies in the bed last night, don't mean you gotta. No, let me stop. But like, vacuuming the mattress. I hope that nozzle is clean, sir.

[B]

Right? How many mattresses have you vacuumed with this? Are you bleaching. In between. I don't want nobody else. Mattress gunk on my mattress gunk.

[A]

Okay. So again, I rebuffed him and indicated that I needed to leave soon. Later I realized this was a mistake as he would know that I wouldn't be home. And he knew the layout of our house.

[B]

Uh oh, that glass in the bedroom.

[A]

Mm. He started in again and began unboxing all manner of attachments and gizmos. Now there were pieces and parts. Was she by herself? Did she mention that she was by herself?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, Jesus Christ. Now there were pieces. Girl, I'm not.

[B]

This is such a violation like this, man. You keep saying no. Now he's putting his stuff everywhere. At this point, girl, you got to get on 911 and call silently and just talk real loud. Sir, I told you I don't want the vacuum at 748 Porch Lane. I told you to leave my home, sir.

[A]

I mean, at that point, honestly, I would have just grabbed my phone and walked out, Right?

[B]

I would be like, please. Five nine, dark haired gentleman around £160, right?

[A]

Literally. Yeah. I mean, this is a lot. Especially I would really. Especially being alone like this is scary.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So now there's pieces everywhere on the floor and into the hallway. These suckers are around $2,000. So there was zero chance I was buying this thing. Regardless. Regardless. I told the young man with increasing firmness that this was out of my price range and that I was not interested. He's like, you said you had a Dyson.

[B]

What you mean? That's what you mean. You rich. You got a Dyson.

[A]

You a rich bitch.

[B]

Right? Your dirt is getting the luxury treatment.

[A]

Okay? Then he said that he could sell me that very vacuum at a deep discount and that he would call his manager to see what kind of deal he could make the next. Next thing I know, there is another guy in my house trying to push the sale. Girl, you need to run. At this point, I would have run trying to push the sale. Now the house is theirs.

[B]

Now you gotta just leave your home and all the contents. Girl. Girl, get your cell phone and go.

[A]

Light fire and walk out, right?

[B]

Several matches and just burn the place. Like, run outside. Be like, I gotta get my wallet from the car. Y' all could. And then just drop the bag.

[A]

Just throw a Molotov cocktail through the window and go.

[B]

It's not your house anymore, sweetheart. You gotta run. This is not a game. This is not a drill.

[A]

This is not a drill. I'm scared, man.

[B]

Sometimes you gotta just abandon your home.

[A]

Everything Everything. So now I was stuck in my hallway between these two men, and my annoyance was quickly turning to a deep discomfort. The scrawny manager in quotes said they could sell me the vacuum for the low, low price of $500. I said that I would have to think about it and talk to my husband. He asserted that to get it at that price, I would need to write a check then and there.

[B]

So now they're trying to pressure you. One, they've already ignored your boundaries. They forced themselves into your home. They're obviously two men. That's very scary. Now they're trying to impose a time crunch on you so that you have less time to think and less time to make the decision that you would have made, which is to get them the fuck up out your house. I mean, I think it was to mention your husband, but I think at that point you gotta be like, oh, yeah, my husband, a murderer.

[A]

My husband, the ninja.

[B]

He's. My husband is a contract killer. He just out finishing up a murder right now. But he said he gonna be home in the next 1 to 30 seconds with all his guns fully loaded, just shooting.

[A]

He's just coming in, spraying. That's what he said.

[B]

Every time he come home, he just be shooting. I know the. Just wait in the bathroom till he. Cause he just opens the door and shoots indiscriminately. It's a part of his unwinding process after the murders that he do. Yeah, you know how it be when you. With a murderer who kill anybody for any reason. Contract killer. So y' all might wanna go. So.

[A]

So I said that. Yeah, so the husband. So I reiterated that I needed to talk such a purchase over with my husband. They continued with their pressure tactics. Again, I said that my husband would be very upset if I bought it without discussing it with him first. The first guy then suggested that I could buy the. Oh, my God. Buy the vacuum and then hide it from my husband.

[B]

Okay, so buy it and hide it from your husband. What's the problem here? We don't get why you're not buying the vacuum yet. Okay, we forced our way to your home. We've laid out several products all throughout your house.

[A]

These people are trying to sew strife between you and your husband. Okay? Now at this point, fuck. Fuck fire. Just get acid. Just acid everything and go right.

[B]

You gotta just try to throw some bleach on them real quick and do the dash.

[A]

Listen, if you have ammonia and bleach, just throw it.

[B]

Combine it real quick. Combine it and run really fast away.

[A]

Wow. This is crazy.

[B]

He had been like, oh, you know, okay, y' all convince me. I got a boo boo real quick. And they're like, why she headed outside? I poop on the lot. Bye.

[A]

Bye. So, interesting sales pitch, bro. At this point, I was so uncomfortable. I was pretty much willing to do anything to get them out of my house, including buying the damn thing. Oh, no. I got my checkbook and went into the kitchen to write it out, determined to buy my freedom. She was like, give us her spree. Poor girl. While at the dining table, I looked online and saw many, many stories of people's nightmarish encounters with Kirby salesmen. Some involving fisticuffs, others of being stalked and a number of.

[B]

I'm not sure gonna beat my ass if I don't buy the vacuum.

[A]

I mean, I guess Kirby only hires thugs.

[B]

Kirby's like, if you want to get out the mob, boy, do we have an opportunity for you. Door to door, mobster. Make your own hours. You don't have to work for a crime boss. Are you tired of reporting to Big Tony? Not getting paid what you deserve?

[A]

Kirby is a division of, like, Homeboy Industries. But not the one where they're trying to turn him around. It's the other. It's the one that try to send him back in. Jesus Christ.

[B]

So they were doing fisticuffs, others were being stalked. What else?

[A]

Jesus Christ. Threats. Number of case. And a number of cases of threats and vandalism. I returned to the hallway where the two men still stood. I just imagine her coming to this awareness while these people are still in her house.

[B]

Also, like, these people are at your house so long that you have time to get your checkbook. Hop on Google, peruse. Perus. What are they doing while you.

[A]

What did you type in? Kirby Vacuum, aggressive salesperson.

[B]

Kirby Vacuum, kidnapping. Kirby Vacuum, help. And you just found the forum and you're just reading away. Mind you, they're still chilling in your bedroom.

[A]

They're in your bed right now.

[B]

They're laying on your bed.

[A]

They're laying on your bed vacuuming the ceiling right now. And you're just sitting here on Google asking Jeeves. Jesus Christ. Involving fisticuffs. I return to the hallway where the two men still stood amidst the scat. So they still even pack their shit up. Scattered vacuum bags.

[B]

They not packing up until you pay

[A]

blank check in hand. I decided to double down on the husband angle, this time strongly indicating that he was abusive and would hurt me if I bought it without his consent. I apologize for feigning abuse when there are those that truly are affected by it. It was a last ditch knee jerk attempt to get them the heck out of this. There they were not.

[B]

You don't have to apologize for this, girl.

[A]

You are under attack.

[B]

Duress, okay? Tell them whatever you got to tell them. But also, sis, like these people are abusive, so why do you think that they care about other people abusing you? Because they're like, oh, that's cool. We're also abusers. Look at us right now. We're literally in your home and won't let you leave without giving us like we get. Oh, you tell your husband, come out with us, have a beer. We all abusers around here.

[A]

I mean, literally. Yeah, they're not going to made him more endearing.

[B]

They were like, oh, he hates women, so he gonna be fine with all of this.

[A]

Oh, perfect. All the more reason to hide the vacuum.

[B]

But you're buying it that you're buying

[A]

with this blank check. So I felt trapped. So they were not to be deterred, however, and started getting agitated, verging on angry threats. Now, she read about this, so not

[B]

the playbook being exactly correct on the Internet. She was like, yeah, okay, well tell them this and then they're gonna start getting mad threats. You can'. And you're threatening me because I don't wanna buy. This is wild.

[A]

Honestly, at this point, I'm swinging, period. I'm just swinging. I'm hooking off. So I felt trapped and was genuinely becoming scared while at the same time feeling foolish for not being able to tell them to get the fuck up out of my house. Finally, I just texted my husband and told him what was up. Fortunately, he was close by and able to get there quickly. I hate that I had to be rescued by a man. But thankfully the man is a large guy with a looming presence and his arrival initiated their immediate departure. We actually did have somewhere to be that afternoon and I was uneasy the whole evening knowing these guys were out there lurking in a van full of overpriced vacuum cleaners.

[B]

Okay, so Geraldine won. Geraldine, you should have hit your husband up the second that first man barged into your house. Cause I'm like, the second, the first one came now definitely when the homeboy showed up, period. Okay, you was on the Internet where you should have been calling him.

[A]

You're doing full on research for a fucking paper on right now.

[B]

You're over here getting MLA annotations while the crime is currently happening to you.

[A]

Meanwhile, you have a big ass husband who's 15 minutes away. I'm sitting here thinking. Because I'm like, where is this? He must be at work at an important job with dealing with the president or something. There's no way. Like, you mean this fool is, like, around he.

[B]

Around the corner? That should have been your first line of defense. There is nothing wrong with using the resources that are available to you. Like, we look, I'm a feminist, but at the end of the day, if feminism is gonna get in the way of my life, I'm have to skirt. Skirt for a moment. How many, you know, how many cops I've cried in front of and be like, I'm just a stupid woman. I don't know how to drive. Look at me all dumb and black and a woman and whatnot. Y' all better than me. I love the police. If it means I can walk away with my life, guess what? I'm gonna have to get to tap dancing. I don't know what to tell you. So if you have a patriarchal, you know, draw four.

[A]

Not a Patricia reverse.

[B]

Nope, a draw for you better slam that bitch down and say uno. The color blue.

[A]

Like, literally. Yeah, I'm like, really? Look again, no victim blaming here.

[B]

No, not at all.

[A]

But yeah, when you got to the part about your husband being like. And then I called my husband and he came in five minutes and fixed everything, I'm like, girl, this could have been done a long time ago. I'm telling you to burn your house down, and your husband is right around the fucking corner.

[B]

You gotta be thinking you need kerosene and bleaching ammonia.

[A]

I'm sitting here holding a half empty bottle of.

[B]

We telling you to go get a potato and put it over a gun as a. Silence, sir. Like, we trying to help you, Lara, crop your way out of this situation. And you got a cheat card right here. You got a cheat code. The big ass man.

[A]

A big ass man. I mean, yeah, I would have called my husband almost especially. Yeah, like you said once number two came.

[B]

Also, I'm not above like people. Be like, keep calm. In situations like this, I think it's always better to make an extreme choice and know that you're guaranteeing your safety than try to make like a mild one and end up in a worse situation. So as soon as the. And he wasn't gonna leave, I would've been like, yeah, my checkbook's in the car. Walked outside and started screaming bloody murder.

[A]

I'm being attacked.

[B]

There's a man in my house. Like, I just would've been out on the curb. Then I'M like, why is she out on the curb screaming whatever it's gonna take?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And I second that 100,000%. There's just no way I. Yeah, by. Cause once you said, like, you need to get the fuck out. That's it. Like, we're done here. Now I'm gonna start wilin', like, for real.

[B]

Yeah. And the fact that he brought another man, as if one man in your house alone is a woman, isn't intimidating enough. He brought another man and they're both not taking no for an answer. Like, yeah, that's when you gotta start screaming bloody murder.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, honestly, like I said, I was joking when I said burn your house down and leave. But taking out the burn in your house part, I would've just left. Like, I literally would. I mean, if they really. I mean, see, that's the other thing too. And that's the thing, you know, predators, they pick and choose who they fuck with, you know? And it's like yourself said, like, you know, I'm uncomfortable saying no. Da da da da da. And you know, we all have had moments where we're uncomfortable saying no. But sometimes it's like these motherfuckers, they pick and choose. And they knew that they could fucking bully you like that. You know what I mean? They knew that they could do that shit. Sometimes you gotta wild out on these fools and let em know.

[B]

Yeah. And by wild out, I mean, like, go outside, knock on the neighbor's door, get in your car, lock the door and call the police, but leave before they get there. If you're black, like.

[A]

Yes, exactly.

[B]

Don't be there when they come, but just. Just call them and drive away.

[A]

Be in the safety of like your neighbor's house down the block, right?

[B]

Cause this is ridiculous. Like, I'm so sorry this happened, guys. If you hear about Kirby vacuums out there, obviously. Anybody selling you anything door to door, Fuck off.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, this is just not. This is not the cli. I mean, it hasn't been the climate for this since at least the mid-70s.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Who's coming to your fucking front door for what, bitch?

[B]

I don't even want you calling me on the phone. That's invasive. Let alone, do I want you like,

[A]

in my bedroom vacuuming my bed?

[B]

Right? Also, when people are trying to create demand, it's a fucking scam. Like, if I didn't wantonly need a vacuum, if I didn't wake up today thinking I wanted this product and someone's trying to sell it to me, That's a fucking scam. Because they're trying to create demand in a situation where there was none. Which is why you should also have a fake email account to sign up for store discounts. So that they're not emailing you to your main account trying to show you cute sales and shoes and shit. Because that's creating demand you didn't have. If you didn't wake up today and said you wanted seven Victoria's Secret panties for $25, then you shouldn't be buying it.

[A]

Exactly 110%. Also, too. You know, I think this is a great moment just to always reiterate to the women out there. And not just women, but.

[B]

Cause any men really stop being awful. We wanna say that first and foremost, if you're listening to this, tell your friends. Cause if you're a man with any other man friends, you know some awful people. And you could start getting in the way of them being awful. Be like, hey, man, don't be awful like that. You ain't embarrassing us. And then if they do it again, you stop hanging out with them.

[A]

Exactly. Instead of just like turning a blind eye and being like, whatever. That's just my boy.

[B]

That's just Craig, you know, Craig, Craig, gonna touch a titty. When we at the club, you know what I mean, just assaulted people. Creepy Craig. We call him Creepy Craig. If you have a nickname for one of your homies that involves them being creepy, you're also creepy for allowing it to happen.

[A]

Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. We need to hold men accountable for this type of stuff. It's just not okay. And, you know, And Geraldine, you know, I would highly recommend practicing the power of no because it's a powerful word. And, you know, when you are comfortable using it, it's important. Cause it's about boundaries and shit like that. And when you don't, you get, you know, put into situations like this where you're like, afraid for your life. And obviously things can get out of hand regardless of how, you know, whatever. But what we have control over, you know, take control. I don't know.

[B]

I don't know. Or also, Geraldine, if you're not comfortable saying no, you can always tell people, hold on. Like, when you open that door for that cleaning guy, you could have been like, oh, hold on one second. Close the door. Locked. It. Never went back to the door and shut the blind. Then you don't have to say, no, you don't have. Like, they probably knock on the door for a little bit and you just sit in there like Sydney Sweeney did In euphoria with her back against the door. Like, ooh, ooh, ooh. Exactly.

[A]

That's the other thing too. Like, there's other things you can do besides, if you don't like saying no. Yeah, you can do that or buy there's things you can do. Figure out what you're comfortable doing and just have that on go for every time you're in this sticky situation.

[B]

Yep. It could literally be like, I gotta go. Or if there's some excuse that you like to say, like, oh, I'm running to the hospital. Oh, you know, I literally could be anything. People will take an excuse. It's like a psychology thing. If you're not comfortable saying no, just like, my daughter is here. Close the door. Like,

[A]

just close the door. Even that is, you know, close the fucking door. Whatever you can do to get out of it. And, you know, a big key to that is taking your fucking time. Don't let people rush you. Do not let people. Like when he was like, you got

[B]

cause this man came in your house, and I know that you weren't like, come on in. He was like, nah, let me just show you. I know he bogarted his way into your house, but you can literally just be like, not today.

[A]

Gotta go.

[B]

Close the door. Or also, don't open the door. That's the biggest thing. Don't open the door to strangers. We all learn that as latchkey kids. Like, you don't open the door for no damn body.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Do that. Or if somebody's accosting you walking down the street. One of my favorite things to do is act like I do not hear people when they are yelling, hey, miss or ma', am, or even if they know who I am. There's certain times if you come up to me and you wanna say, hi, I'm totally here for it. But there's. There's other times where it doesn't feel safe. And I'm like, I'll just act like I literally can't hear.

[A]

Yeah, literally. Like, there's so many. You know, it's like we're always so worried that, like, oh, my God, I'm offending this person, or da, da, da, da. You will never see this fucking person again. And a lot of these people show up in a millisecond. They're there for a millisecond, you know what I mean? And it's like, you'll never see these fucking people again. And not only that, but this person will never think about this. These motherfuckers have been bogarting people for years.

[B]

Like, yeah, you're just one of the day. Like, I'm sure the homeboy showed up because he was done bogarting somebody else and was like, okay, well, I'm having a tough time with this one. All right, I'll show up and we'll debo her together. Strong arm that to pay him 500 for probably what's like a 20 vacuum that they probably stole.

[A]

Exactly. Literally. Yeah. So.

[B]

And they know the tactic. They were leaving all over your house, so then, like, packing up is gonna take. They. They knew what they were doing.

[A]

They were smart. I mean, they were good con men. The only issue that I have is the intimidation factor.

[B]

Yeah, that's really fucked up.

[A]

Yeah, sorry.

[B]

Like, if he had spread all these vacuum parts on your lawn and started vacuuming your lawn, I've been like, hilarious. Still, get that nigga away from your house. But not coming in my house and

[A]

then bringing a friend into my bedroom

[B]

and vacuuming my bed and telling me to hide it from my husband.

[A]

I mean, when they said hide from your husband, boom, I'd have been gone. I would have sprinted out the door.

[B]

You gotta just take off running. Slam the door behind you, take off running.

[A]

Like, smoke and everything.

[B]

Yeah, girl, you need to practice that Jason challenge where the killer's walking real slow behind them and they're fumbling with their keys. Like, you gotta get good at whipping them keys out quick and not having a shaky hand sticking it in.

[A]

Oh, my God, I love the Jason challenge.

[B]

Girl, you gotta go full da da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da da. Like, you need to be running in a white T shirt.

[A]

I saw one where they got all

[B]

tight, just tittling, period.

[A]

I saw one where they got creative and had. They were different scenarios. Your keys are in the bushes. Your key is stale. You drop the key and then you gotta pick it up again. You gotta have a janitor's amount of keys and then find your one key.

[B]

And what kills me about all of those. If you haven't seen the Jason Challenge, get on TikTok or Google it. But what kills me is they really. The person holding the camera is walking at the pace that Jason be walking in the movies. And we used to always think, like, how is Jason catching up with all these people when he is doing a light stroll and these people are doing a full sprint? But then if something goes wrong with the keys, that sprint ain't gonna help you, boo boo.

[A]

Well, at that point, you just gotta abandon ship and Run around the house into the woods, period.

[B]

Right where Jason literally will walk so slowly and still find you. You're gonna be breathing very heavily behind a tree, thinking you're safe, and then that knife's just gonna go.

[A]

I'm like, fuuuu. Look, I should have just bought the vacuum. Oh, my God. Whatever you gotta do on that. Guys, we did two again.

[B]

Yay.

[A]

We're doing so good, aren't we?

[B]

Aren't you guys so proud of us? And this is like, almost the length of a full podcast episode, so you're welcome. Guys, look at us. Look at how good we are.

[A]

I mean, my God, you guys, like,

[B]

do you love our parasocial relationship where we just talk to you through the fourth wall? I'm so annoying. But, guys, as always, snitch on your friends and your family. And Kirby vacuum cleaners. Let's get these people out of commission. Like, if you see.

[A]

Let's get these brutes off the street.

[B]

These thugs. These bugs need to be put away

[A]

because we're starting a gofundme to put the Kirby vacuum salesman out of business.

[B]

We want them. Not just out of business. We want them away.

[A]

We want them. We're sending them to Guantanamo.

[B]

Right?

[A]

That's what we're doing. So go ahead and donate.

[B]

Right? The money is going towards them being put away. We don't exactly know how we're gonna use it towards that, but we are.

[A]

We'll figure it out.

[B]

It'll come out in the wash. We

[A]

may or may not get supplies at the dollar store for this. I don't even know. I don't even know. We're working out the details.

[B]

We're working out the kinks, but we got you. But, guys, as always, snitch on your friends, your family, and your [e-mail] if you want to find me D I V A L A C I D Valacy on all platforms.

[A]

And if you want to find me at risthegoddess on all platforms.

[B]

Yes. Congregation, stay.

[A]

Vacuum cleaning and swinging.

[B]

That's swinging. You really need to be swinging. Scam Goddess. This has been an Earwolf production in association with Team Coco. Scam Goddess stars and is hosted by me, Lacey Moseley, AKA Scam Goddess. It's produced by Judith Kargbo, engineered by Marina Paiz, and researched by Kaylin Burch Brand. Stay scheming.

[A]

This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.