The Tangent Episode

Summary

Scam Goddess: The Tangent Episode (August 25, 2022)

Hosts: Laci Mosley & Priscilla Davies
Main Theme: Listener scam confessions, comedic tangents, and the art (and pitfalls) of distraction.

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Episode Overview

This episode of Scam Goddess lives up to its tongue-in-cheek title: it spins out into hilarious, self-aware tangents as Laci Mosley and guest co-host Priscilla Davies read listener-submitted scam stories. The centerpiece is a confessional about a drunk encounter with Madrid pickpockets, but the show’s real magic is the chemistry and improvisational banter between the hosts, who riff on everything from the US education system to international police sirens. Laci and Priscilla use the occasion to unpack scams, systemic injustice, and personal stories while delivering laughs and off-the-cuff commentary.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction & Show Setup [00:02–04:16]

• Laci and Priscilla introduce the special “Confessions” segment: "This is a show where we take your listener letters and we drag you for your confessions of all the scams you've either been involved in or partaken in or been a witness to." – Priscilla [00:14]
• They share personal well-being updates and riff on bodily functions in a candid, friendly tone.

2. Responding to Listener Criticism & the Show’s Tangent Identity [01:21–03:47]

• Laci recounts a negative tweet about the podcast having too many tangents:
  "She was the right one on the wrong day, and I was the wrong one on the right day." – Laci [02:33]
• Both double-down on the value of their style: “I feel like this podcast… people are fine with the tangents because that's what we're—That's what we give you.” – Laci [03:47]

3. Listener Letter: The Madrid Pickpocket Scam [04:17–27:10]

• Story Summary: Listener “Noriega” (pseudonym) and a friend are approached by two well-dressed men in Madrid asking for help finding a bar on Google Maps. After engaging in an odd “Madrid handshake” ritual, Noriega’s wallet is stolen.
• Priscilla and Laci interrupt with playful, cultural riffs about Spanish, the concept of “collective gay business,” and the parallels between slick pickpockets and American naivete abroad.
• Laci analyzes red flags:
  "There’s no such thing as red flags with an S. Okay? There's just one. You run." – Laci [09:37]
• Both hosts explore why Americans are easily marked as tourists, discussing American exceptionalism and naiveté:
  "This is where being an American really just kicks us in the ass. Because we just be like, look, all y' all niggas is weird. We live in America. It's so cool and fancy here. We have shootings every day. It's so fun." – Laci [17:39]

4. Tangents on American Culture, Racism & Education [10:28–15:39]

• The scam story detours into a dialogue about the American school system and racism:
  "Teachers can also be white supremacists and racist and fucked up. And I wonder if some of my grades… were because I had some racist-ass Texas ancestors." – Laci [11:54]
• Priscilla shares personal anecdotes about being misdiagnosed in school and self-teaching to read at age two.

5. Discussion: Pickpocketing, Revenge, and “The Craig” [27:11–32:43]

• Noriega and his friend chase down the pickpockets, physically recover the wallets, and keep the thief’s ID.
• The hosts delight in this twist:
  "The scammers became the scammies." – Laci [23:16] "I love when scammers get scammed, when bullies get bullied." – Priscilla [30:09]
• Introduction of “Craig” archetype: the friend who always goes the extra (possibly aggressive) mile in a confrontation.
  • Memorable riff:
    "Craig said, if you do what you love, you don't have to work a day in your life. He's here to fulfill his passion, literally. A passion for thrashing." – Laci and Priscilla [24:37–24:46]

6. Tangents: Homelessness, Street Safety & Aggression [32:44–38:18]

• Laci and Priscilla share stories about dangerous encounters on LA streets, with Laci reflecting on the importance of avoiding eye contact with unstable strangers – not as a victim-blaming tactic, but as a precaution.

7. Policing, Standing Up, and “Being the Craig” [38:18–40:40]

• Both hosts stress the importance of standing up for oneself—but also acting judiciously. "Be Craig when you need to be Craig. You know? Like, there's a time and a place for everything." – Priscilla [37:26]
• Both recount instances of confronting police, with Laci humorously recalling reading a cop for filth in her own garage:
  "I came for that man's soul… Improv works two ways. You can make people laugh, but you can also make people cry." – Laci [39:13–39:20]

8. Final Reflections & Apology for Tangents [40:15–end]

• The hosts playfully offer a “notes app” apology for the episode’s tangents:
  "We are learning and growing… we're going to know." – Laci [40:26–40:37]
• Reminder to keep sending scam confessions.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Tangent-Driven Podcasting:
  "I'm gonna be super professional. No, I'm not." – Laci [03:47]
  "The lie detector determined—that was a lie." – Priscilla [03:55]
• On American Exceptionalism:
  "We live in the white man's imagination. Everything is created and catered towards him." – Priscilla [14:36]
• On Encountering Scams Abroad:
  “If somebody asked me to look something up on Google Maps in the street, I'd be like, are you fucking kidding?” – Priscilla [06:51]
• On “The Craig”:
  "Craig is like, I love doing crime. It's a passion." – Laci [24:28]
  "If you do what you love, you don't have to work a day in your life." – Priscilla as Craig [24:33]
• Pro Advice:
  "Get a Craig in your life. Probably don't be the Craig, but get a Craig." – Laci [37:20]

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Key Timestamps

• 00:02–04:16 – Introduction, show setup, listener call-outs.
• 02:33 – "Right one on the wrong day..." – Laci, about responding to Twitter criticism.
• 09:37 – "There's no such thing as red flags with an S..." – Laci, advice on scams.
• 17:39 – Commentary on American naivete abroad.
• 23:16 – "The scammers became the scammies."
• 24:37–24:46 – "A passion for thrashing." riff.
• 37:20 – "Get a Craig in your life..."
• 39:13–39:20 – "I came for that man's soul..." – Laci, on confrontational improv.

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Takeaways

• The episode is a masterclass in comedic storytelling, with both hosts effortlessly weaving personal experience, listener stories, and sharp social commentary.
• Even amidst the humor, Laci and Priscilla highlight and critique systemic injustices, reminding listeners that scams come in all forms—from pickpockets to institutions.
• The listener story is both cautionary (watch your belongings abroad) and satisfying (the scam victims fight back and temporarily turn the tables).
• The true “scam goddess” message: Stay alert, don’t ignore red flags, and always appreciate a well-timed tangent.

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Stay schemin’!

Transcript

[A]

What's really good, Congregation? Listen, it's your girl, Priscilla. It's your girl.

[B]

What? Lacey Mosley. What kind of intro is this you want?

[A]

Listen, you're as. Okay, welcome to Confessions. This is a show where we take your listener letters and we drag you for your confessions of all the scams you've either been involved in or partaken in or been a witness to. So I'm Priscilla Davies.

[B]

And I'm Lacy Mosley.

[A]

And we're your hosts.

[B]

Yeah, it only took us three tries to get there.

[A]

Hey, we're gonna get there by the end of the season. Season three.

[B]

This is, like, fully unhinged. I feel like we're giving season two of P. Valley right now, where it's just like, we're jumping the shark.

[A]

I get it.

[B]

But we're here. We're here, guys. You know, write in, snitch on your friends and [e-mail]. you know, if it's a longer one, you might end up on this show. We love a long scam. We love a in a churn. How are you doing, P?

[A]

I am doing fan fucking tastic. Life is good. I have no complaints. You know, my skin is clear. You know, my stomach isn't giving me problems anymore. You know, my bowels are right.

[B]

Oh, my God. Not bowels. Good Lord.

[A]

Just, you know, no complaints. I'm doing pretty good. How was life with you?

[B]

I'm good. You know, I'm having a hormone moment. You know that lady thing that happens to us every month?

[A]

I feel that I'm just off now. Today, first day clean.

[B]

First day clean clean. Which I feel like I can say on this podcast since it's like, the secret one. I never wanna say that hormones affect my emotional choices and decisions. Cause I feel like that's why they're like, that's why y' all hoes can't be leaders because you get your little blood and then you wanna nuke everybody. And I'm like. So I don't say that publicly because I'm like, I can have anyone knowing that. It does affect my emotions.

[A]

It does.

[B]

But, like, somebody was listening to the pod and tweeted me today, and I was up at, like, 8am like, to get my brows and lashes done. So I was like, at the lady, and I saw this before I laid down. And I don't know why I went off on this lady. And then I just put my phone down, but she was just like, oh, I'm trying to listen to the podcast. And there's so many tangents and y' all are just babbling and y' all are so silly and, like, when are you gonna get to the scam? And I said, I know this bitch. I don't know why she caught. I was the right one on the right day. I was also the wrong one on the wrong day. I was the right one on the wrong day, and I was the wrong one on the right day.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

It all means the same thing. I love being black. But no, I had to get her. I gathered her up real. I was like, what makes you feel like you are entitled to recontact me like this? Like, bitch, I was like, turn this shit. She said she was listening to her husband. I said, turn me off right now. You ain't.

[A]

Okay, Delete.

[B]

Delete and never listen to me again, period.

[A]

You. I mean, please.

[B]

I'm gonna find a way to block you from every entertainment thing that I do. I don't ever want to see none of my damn movies.

[A]

Let me find out. Someone sold you a movie ticket. Let me fucking find out about.

[B]

Call AMC right motherfucking now and let them know.

[A]

And bitch, listen, Lowe's, okay? Are you guys still in business? I don't know. Or do you only do hardware now?

[B]

Listen, Regal. Listen, Magic Johnson.

[A]

Ok, what the hell?

[B]

I'm calling Blockbuster. They only got one left in the us and I would call them to. No, but. So, you know, I want an interesting way. But I feel good. I feel great. Let's get into it. I feel like this podcast. At least people are fine with the tangents because that's what we're.

[A]

That's what we give you.

[B]

We're so meta. I gotta stop being so meta. Guys, I'm gonna be super professional. No, I'm not.

[A]

The lie detector determined. That was a lie.

[B]

That was a lie. That was a lie. So let's get it popping. Let's start with our guy here. Oh, I was about to actually say his real name. He put his real name. But we don't say real names here. So give me a fake name for.

[A]

Let's call him Noriega.

[B]

Noriega.

[A]

Nori for short.

[B]

Nori. Noriega says hi. My name is Noriega. First of all, my boyfriend and I love your podcast. Oh, thank you, Noriega. I Ugly cackle. Oh, you know what? This is very nice, Noriega. You know, I don't be reading all this, but okay, so it says. Anywho, I'd like to tell you about a scam of sorts that happened to Me in Madrid. What happened in Madrid? In Madrid.

[A]

In Madrid.

[B]

Imali. Oh, my God.

[A]

When you are singing like a singer.

[B]

We are singing when you want to kiss me.

[A]

When you want to kiss. And you know you are looking at the sky with your.

[B]

We're just trying to find ways to use that S, even though it's not the actual.

[A]

It's the C that they use that sound on, not the S. Oh, yes. Oh, wow.

[B]

You're right. Necessary.

[A]

I'm gonna stop.

[B]

Okay, yeah, let's stop. Let's stop. Shout out to Ferdinand. What a scammer. He was like, I got a lisp, so all y' all gotta sound like me too. I love that. That's power. He's like, no, this is how we all say it now. I love that. What if Mike Tyson did that?

[A]

I mean, he could.

[B]

He could. I love Mike Tyson because he literally, like, is the only person in the world who can, like, get together. All of these misogynist, homophobic, fucked up ass men because they're so afraid that he's gonna beat their ass that they allow themselves to be gathered by him. And I love that. So Noriega says, we in Madrid, we're getting scammed. My friend and I were walking around the gay district of Madrid just having a time and a half. Ooh, a time and a half.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I was having a time and a half around the gay district. Just out here being gay.

[A]

Love it.

[B]

Pretty drunk. Minding our own business. Love that.

[A]

Love it. And emphasis on minding our own business.

[B]

Our own business.

[A]

Not their business, not her business. Theirs.

[B]

I also. Yeah, you're right. The specific. Cause most people just say, minding my business. They don't know we were minding our.

[A]

Yep. Collective. Our collective owned business.

[B]

Business. Okay. Our gay owned business. That's what we were minding, period. I love that. So two guys come up to us and ask us if we know where a certain bar is. We don't know. So they ask us if we can look it up on Google Maps for them. They're wearing pretty nice clothes, and I'm already thinking, red flag. Like, why don't you just use your own phone? My guy. But hey, maybe they're in a new country and don't have any service here. Oh, man, y' all is being nice. See?

[A]

Yeah, Because I'm like, look it up on Google Maps. What are you talking about? If somebody asked me to look something up on Google Maps in the street, I'd be like, are you fucking kidding? Go to a goddamn gas station.

[B]

Yeah. Like a Gas station. What'd they go get out of the gas station for some reason.

[A]

Remember back in. I mean, before you had Google Maps and all that? You would have to stop at the gas station, ask for direct.

[B]

Okay, but do you think people in the gas station be knowing where spots are now? I feel like nobody knows where stuff is. Nope.

[A]

And that's why you're fucked. Go home, start all over again.

[B]

Nobody knows where things are anymore. I don't. Bitch, if I have Google Maps, I'd be out here just like the sunset in the east. Okay, and why they be saying that the moss on the tree is gonna tell you how to go north? I done seen trees with moss all the way around it, bitch.

[A]

Robin, I've never heard that. That must be some country shit from Texas. The moss on the tree tell you what direction to go. Hey, baby girl, you ever get lost in the woods, you look at that moss on that tree?

[B]

Don't try to play me like that, okay? Because Harriet Tubman was out here looking at the dipper and the moss, okay? And, yeah, the freedom.

[A]

She was from the country.

[B]

Oh, so you're disrespecting Harriet Tubman. Wow.

[A]

Never that. Never that.

[B]

Cancel her. No, no. Y' all heard it here. She said Harriet Tubman was a bitch. No, I never did.

[A]

I don't want her haunting my dreams. Cause she. She got a strong life force. What superstition.

[B]

She want to fight Harriet Tubman. You heard Harry Tubby.

[A]

I never said that. Oh, my God. I would never win that. That bitch got hit over the head with a goddamn iron and still made it.

[B]

Yeah, she's strong as fuck.

[A]

She would. She literally.

[B]

She had a gun like that bitch was. She had a glizzy. A glizzy's a hot dog. But she kept that thing on her

[A]

to heat her, okay? She period. That's not a bitch I'm fucking with, period. Whatever she tells me to do. Like they said. Wasn't she the one that they said she would knock babies out?

[B]

Start crying like, bitch, we ain't gonna die. Cause your baby crying, like knock em out.

[A]

Okay? With herbs, guys. With herbs. We talked about this. It was with herbs, not with fish.

[B]

It was prescription, Brick. It wasn't like prescription iron. You just shake the baby a little bit. You can't shake them too much. A little shake, a little jostle. Just a little jostle, okay? Tell the baby we're trying to get to freedom. We don't have time for this. How did we get here? How did we get here?

[A]

We're Going back in conclusion, I love Harriet Tubman. Go ahead,

[B]

Maps. This is how we got here. Maps. So they're, like, kind of weird. Y' all are dressed real nice. Like, why y' all don't got access to your own phone, Maps. But whatever. So my friend pulls out his phone to look it up, and they start asking what type of phone it is, period.

[A]

I'm out.

[B]

Grab your shit and run, he said, which is the second red flag? Noriega, what have I told you about flags? Noriega, there's no such thing as red flags with an S. Okay? There's just one. You run. You see the one and you run because it's just gonna be more flags. Next thing you know, you sitting at a motherfucking NASCAR event. Niggas waving flags everywhere.

[A]

There it is. Let me tell you. As the great George W. Bush once said, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and you. You can't. The point is that you can't fool me.

[B]

You can't fool me again. Once you get fooled, you can't fool again.

[A]

You can't get fooled twice.

[B]

And I love that. This is actually us quoting him directly and accurately.

[A]

That was verbatim, guys.

[B]

He didn't make a mistake. That's exactly what he said. And that was the cater for our

[A]

Gen Z listeners who don't know that's exactly how he said it.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. I remember being in school. I don't know why I'm so tangential on this episode already, but I remember being in school, and I had an English teacher. I think her name was like, Miss. I don't remember that bitch name. Miss Bitch. I'm gonna call her Miss Bitch. So Miss Bitch, you know, she. We had, for some reason, photos of George W. Bush. I don't know why we had these. I was like, in fourth grade. I don't know why we had photos of him. But this was like, right. Well, this is right before 9 11. So I remember, I realized with an eraser, like kids do, we were like, if we use the eraser, we can erase out his eyes and make him look like a demon. So we all did. We put a little demon on.

[A]

Like a little protest. Yes, a fourth grade protest.

[B]

Young. I was like, eight, and I was like, it's the fuck. This nigga war criminal. And she got so mad at me. She, like, lectured me about. She's like, this is our present. Da, da, da. I should have. That's why. Teachers.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

I love teachers. In the aggregate. In the aggregate. I love Me some teaching as teachers. And you're a teacher. You know, you've been a teacher. Rather like.

[A]

No, I'm not a teacher. I'm a teaching ass teacher.

[B]

You're a teaching ass teacher? Eric, my cousin, one of my best friends, he's a teacher, or used to be. Well, now he's a yoga teacher instructor, but he used to be teaching kids. And so I love teachers and they do amazing things and I love the sacrifice. But I also have realized that, like, teachers can also be white supremacists and racist and fucked up. And I wonder if some of my grades and some of the shit that happened in my life was because I had some racist ass Texas ancestors.

[A]

The answer is yes. And I'm telling you as a teacher, and it's 110%. I was actually talking to my sister about this and I gotta drag my mom when I see her. Her about this, but. Cause I was like, you know what I noticed? I used to. Cause I would always get in trouble, always in school. Same for being a talker. Cause I'm a talker. Hey, I got a podcast now. What the fuck? You know?

[B]

Right?

[A]

Okay, but. So I would always get in trouble. And I noticed that the few black teachers I had, I never had problems with them. I always had problems with everybody else except for the black teachers. And so I'm like, mom, did you. You didn't put that, you didn't put those two, two and two together, that every time I had a black teacher, I was. I wasn't getting calls and getting in trouble every five minutes. So yeah, it's true. There's a lot of racist teachers out there. I mean, that's why you have a lot of kids who are in. You know, they try to put my ass in special ed. Can you imagine that? They try to put me in special. Yes, you're gifted. I'm fucking brilliant. And they try. I think it was like kindergarten and it was kindergarten. And I knew how to read. I knew how to read. My mom told me this as an adult, which I was shocked. I taught myself how to read. According to my mother. I taught myself how to read at like two or three years old, sitting in the back of my preschool class just like watching the older kids. So I learned how to read. So I'm like, how did you then turn around in kindergarten and try to put me in fucking special ed? Cause I'm a negro.

[B]

Yeah. Cause they're trying to get that school to prison. Pipeline popping, otherwise how are we gonna have slaves anymore?

[A]

And there it Is.

[B]

Cause America still has slaves, y'. All. It's called people in prison. They were making all our hand sanitizer during the pandemic. They making them license plates. They're getting stints on the app.

[A]

I don't think they really make license plates. I think it's a WB cartoon, okay? A Warner Brothers cartoon.

[B]

They said they was making Lawrence's Place. Okay? I know they made hand sanitizer. Okay, maybe they don't.

[A]

Do they actually make a lot. I mean, like, remember the whole scandal with them? Like, the fish at Whole Foods came from the prison. Oh, yeah, they do. Anything you can think of, like, these motherfuckers be doing it. They're super exploited.

[B]

That's fucked, man. That's fucked.

[A]

It's so fucked.

[B]

And it's so fucked, because it's like everybody tries to pretend like, well, white people love to do this because they love to ignore the humanity of everybody in the world. And they use, like, pejoratives, and they use, you know, fucking rules and bureaucracy to ignore humanity. So they love to be like, oh, well, these people committed crimes, so this is their punishment. And it's like, how many people actually committed crimes? How these crimes are actually crimes because it's just a bunch of old white dudes who made up what crimes were. Y' all gotta know exactly. Crimes up. Like, what's crimes? What do we think are crimes? Things that we can't tax. Definitely, those are crimes. So we need, you know, selling these drugs. We can't tax it, so it's gotta be a crime. Like, what?

[A]

Meanwhile, they're trying to, like, lower the age of consent for marriage. You know what I mean? Weirdo shit. It's like, exactly what you said. It's like, who. You know, a tiktoker said this, and I thought it was really great. And it's like, you gotta ask yourself in whose imagination do we live? And we, as the world, we live in the white man's imagination. Everything is created and catered towards him.

[B]

And that's what's killing the white man right now, is that this is white. This is white man utopia, period. This is literally what they wanted, right? Period. They got everything they want. But, Billy, I got everything I wanted, you know? Like, it could have been a nightmare. Yes, it's a nightmare, okay? And so they. Now they're all offended and pissed off that we're like, bitch, you did this. And we let you run it. We let you run the shit. And look what you did.

[A]

And we have 500 years this planet has existed for billions of years. And y' all destroyed it, Ran it

[B]

into the fucking ground. 500.

[A]

I mean, it's crazy. I mean, we don't got no trees, we don't got clean air. We don't got no downstairs somewhere, like,

[B]

I mean, bitch, a meteor took us out. Y' all just doing it to y'

[A]

all selves, to ourselves.

[B]

I hope the land before time niggas is looking somewhere just like, look at this.

[A]

Shaking their head from up in the clouds, right?

[B]

Like they long ass head, the neck and head just like, what the fuck is these niggas doing?

[A]

Shame on these motherfuckers, right?

[B]

Oh, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before a rock hits us.

[A]

So anyway, that's what we were talking about.

[B]

I feel like I'm doing more tangents just out of like, protest fight for that woman.

[A]

The protest episode. We're gonna put her information online later.

[B]

We could dox her. No, I would never. But Judith, yeah, this is definitely the tangent episode. We can just call it that. So people, leave me alone. Leave Priscilla alone. All right, so remember Noriega and his homie, they drunk in Madrid. And then they been approached by two very well dressed dudes who are like, hey, can you tell us where the bar? And they're like, we don't know that bar. And then they're like, can you pull out your cellular device and maybe look up the bar? And then they were like, okay, we gonna do that? Seems weird, but we'll do it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So then they're like, oh, what type of phone is it? Second Red flag. So we talked for a while there on the sidewalk and they seemed pretty normal. Didn't try anything nefarious, so I'm not too worried anymore. Then one of them says, great, thanks. Do you guys want us to show you the Madrid handshake?

[A]

Oh, my God, they about to shake you down, dawg.

[B]

Right? That's what they meant by shake. This is a Madrid handshake. We shake you the fuck down.

[A]

You about to get your pockets run.

[B]

Ooh, they about to run them. Ooh, they about to run them.

[A]

No, okay.

[B]

I'm telling you. Okay, so since our guards weren't up anymore and we were curious, ignorant North Americans, we said yes. I started doing the handshake with one of them. We do a little thing with our hands and then we wrap the back of our ankles around each other and start rotating in a circle. It seemed a bit odd, but then I figured there's just some funny thing that they do in Madrid. See, this is where being an American really just kicks us in the ass. Because we just be like, look, all y' all niggas is weird. We live in America. It's so cool and fancy here. We have shootings every day. It's so fun and so fun.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

I'll never forget when I ran into a police officer in London. I was living there during the riots in 2010. And we were out taking photos, you know, and like, having fun in the riots. Cause it was like lots of fires and stuff. So we was like, this is excellent lighting. So, like, we was getting photos off and stuff. And this cop came up to us and was like, why are y' all out? Like, why you guys outside right now? Like, this is very dangerous. And we're like, oh, we from America. Y' all got bats out here. You gotta catch me to hit me with a bat. Y' all got no guns. What the fuck? No, we. You weren't getting this picture. And I think I took a picture with him.

[A]

Oh, my God. But it's true. That is true.

[B]

Watch out for that glass, okay? Cause like, we. So we look at other countries and we're just like, I don't know, y' all might be. Y' all weird. We do. We the only ones. Like, we have shaped our whole narrative and vision around ourselves as being, like, cool in the moment. Americans are very self centered.

[A]

Oh, without a doubt. But I mean, the world helped us with that. Cause they all bought into the exceptionalism myth.

[B]

They did.

[A]

It's a self fulfilling kind of prophecy. We put that out there and then they project it back onto us. And now the whole new thing is for Europeans and Australians to drag Americans and be like, you guys think you're so. You're so. No, no, no. You're so cool. You guys are so cool. And now we know. We know that.

[B]

We know your life's sad.

[A]

Yeah. And it's like. And meanwhile, like, all the, like, POC here are like, no, let's take it back.

[B]

We had never had thought that we had been telling y'.

[A]

All. We've been crying humanitarian crises and you've been ignoring us.

[B]

We were saying, help.

[A]

Help.

[B]

We said, help.

[A]

We said, help. Every time I got on a plane, I screamed it from the windows, right?

[B]

And nobody helped us. We was like, nigga, we down bad and sad. Like, hell no. But that's like, you know. And also in entertainment. But I'm like, if y' all Europeans would make y' all own entertainment industries instead of running up over here to get Into Hollywood, maybe everybody would have a different perspective on America because it wouldn't just be us driving the narrative with our psycho asses.

[A]

Right, Right.

[B]

We make, like, all the entertainment like, other countries make entertainment. But, like, how often does it seep into, like, the global narrative? You know, you get a squid game, you get a Shakira.

[A]

Yeah. Without Netflix, you guys would be done.

[B]

Right. Netflix is the only reason that we even see. Like, that's how I learned about. Or not learned about, but that's how I, like, started watching Nollywood. For real. For real. Because other than that, it was just YouTube. So I'm like, now I'm on Netflix. Like, what is the niggas doing in Africa?

[A]

One of my goals in life, I swear to God, is to do a Nollywood movie.

[B]

Same. No, same. We have to, like, go and, like, see if we can do this. Because, like, I wanna be in one so bad. They look so fucking bad.

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I wanna be the American meme. I want to be the American mistress.

[B]

Oh, my God. Us as American whores.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Call us Valleywood. Call us, please. Please. We would love to come, guys. Okay, so back to the story, Dan. We're probably gonna do one this episode.

[A]

Shit. Sorry, guys. Y' all mad.

[B]

Y' all wanna fight me? Be honest. So they doing this dumb handshake that's not a real handshake since our guards weren't up anymore, like, doing the handshake lie. So they walk away. And my immediate instinct, which I do every five minutes while traveling, is to my pockets, my phone, and my wallet. My wallet is gone. My friend and I kick into high gear and start sprinting after these two savvy pickpocketers. Mind you, we're drunk, so we're a little more confident than we should have been. So, yeah, y' all running after people who are clearly pick.

[A]

But also, like, sorry, I'm running after them too. And I'm fighting, too.

[B]

Yeah. I would also like to tussle, but you didn't realize that they were gonna pickpocket you when they was doing this crazy ass dance around. And I bet you every native, like, person in Madrid was walking by like, damn, nigga, they get robbed.

[A]

They're getting their.

[B]

Trying to get us to fame. What is the same? This is not right.

[A]

I'm getting kicked out of my family after this episode.

[B]

Right? You have Spanish descent. Yeah. You literally have Spanish descent. So, like, yeah, they were like, oh, no. Another robbery. Ay, mira. Idiot. That's, oh, so sad. So we finally catch up to them. I grab one of them by the shoulders and slam him against a cariega.

[A]

That's what they call you, Noriega. Like that.

[B]

Slam him against our car.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

He was gangsta. And I start feeling his back pockets for a wallet. What do you know? It was there. I got it back. And I look over at my friend who had just let go of the other guy and is holding another wallet. I tell him, I got my wallet and we should go. But my friend wants revenge on my wallet.

[A]

I like your friend. I like your friend. I'd want revenge too.

[B]

He starts looking through the guy's wallet, and all that's in there is a blank piece of paper and an id. The guy is begging for it back. My friend holds it behind his back and yells, this probably isn't even your wallet. He ends up throwing the wallet back at him. And then he turns around and shows me the guy's id, which he had sneakily taken out of the wallet so that he could report into the cops. The scammers became the scammers became the scammies.

[A]

I love a good twist.

[B]

Looking back, it was pretty dumb to do what we did. And they could have had a weapon. But honestly, pickpocketing probably don't wanna get violent because then you have more reason to get arrested. Right? So they wanna keep pickpocketing. And the whole point is to be sneaky and steal it and not cause a scene. Which is true. Like pickpocketers, if they wanted to be violent, they would just be robbers.

[A]

Yeah. And even robbers don't wanna be violent. They just bring the gat in case.

[B]

Right. They're just like hands in the air. It's like they don't really know.

[A]

There's always that one robber that's just. He was never right from the beginning.

[B]

No.

[A]

Everybody felt uncomfortable working with him.

[B]

That definitely wants to do violence to people. And we're all like, craig, we're not shooting Craig.

[A]

You do not need to kick them that hard. The fuck.

[B]

We're robbing them, Craig. We're not killing them.

[A]

Craig's gonna be the one that catches them. A charge.

[B]

Yeah, a big charge. Cause Craig gonna accidentally shoot somebody. And it's like, craig, you shot a grandma. Why?

[A]

Point blank. Point blank. Why would you do that? And Craig's like, I wanted to see

[B]

what the insides look like.

[A]

No, Craig. No, Craig.

[B]

Craig don't want it. Like, everybody else is just trying to get money. Craig is like, I love doing crime. It's a passion.

[A]

He's not in here for the money. He's not here for the money. He's here for the experience.

[B]

Craig said, if you do what you love, you don't have to work a day in your life.

[A]

He's here to fulfill his passion, literally.

[B]

And that's it.

[A]

A passion for thrashing.

[B]

Oh, no. What's funny about this to me, too, is, like, I'm glad that Noriega sent us a photo with this. Cause I'm trying to see what y' all built, like, because y' all ran up on these dudes, pushed them on a car, got your wallet back. Like, intimidated the fuck out of them. Like, they must have been smaller than y'.

[A]

All. Yeah. What I'm getting is, like, they might have even been younger. Like, teenagers. Or, like, oh, yeah, like, you know, 19ish. And Noriega's provided a photo, and you can see he has the ID in the photo. The guy looks pretty young in the photo, but that could just be his OG picture. He never changed.

[B]

Yeah, he does look pretty young. So maybe they were young also. How do you learn how to pickpocket? I want somebody to teach me how to do this. Cause I know it's like, there's an art to it. Cause you have to distract people. It's basically like sleight of hand.

[A]

So you have to sleight of hand, and it's like applying pressure so they don't feel what you're doing.

[B]

Exactly. Cause if you apply pressure to them visually, like someplace that they can see, they're more focused on that. And at the same time, simultaneously, you are also, like, behind them, like, applying, like, getting what you need. You have to do it so quick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's, like, such a finesse. I want to learn how to pickpocket. Like, I'm gonna try to see if I can find some, like, little Oliver Twist ass niggas who can teach me how to pickpocket.

[A]

You gotta go to, like, downtown London, find the little children running around, right?

[B]

And right. I gotta go find, like, Annie and them and Oliver. And I gotta be like, what's good? Look, y' all don't gotta pickpocket me. I'm gonna give you money, but you gotta teach me how to do it right.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I'm sure one would be like, all right, miss, just stop this boy. Right? And I'm like, now don't get greedy. Cause I got a knife on me.

[A]

Okay, okay.

[B]

I'm Craig. This could just be fun. This could be fun.

[A]

Run, little kids, run. Oliver, go grab Annie and get out of here.

[B]

Skirt. Skirt. Okay, I better get Daddy Warpucks up. Don't fuck with me. Now I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn how to pickpocket. So it says. In the end, we ended up deciding not to report him. Cause we did get my wallet back. Also, typically, cops just make things worse. And clearly, these guys are just trying to take advantage of the booming tourism world in Madrid. Also, neither of us knew the number for the police.

[A]

The truth comes out, and we weren't sure what 911 was in Spain.

[B]

I love that you were like, yeah, fuck the police. And, you know, these are just kids trying to come up. And also, we ain't even know the number for the police. That's really why we couldn't do it. We was like, la policia. I don't even know.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I love that in other places, I wish that our police had, like, a less, like, intimidating siren. That's the only thing the police got this, that, and the murder guns that they used to murder us. But in other countries, like Europe, like, their police, the sound is like.

[A]

Yeah, it's a little intense, but it's not as scary.

[B]

It's just.

[A]

I think it's. I think. Oh, okay.

[B]

We, the police. The police are here. It's almost like their, like, theme song. Like, this is their television show.

[A]

It makes me sound.

[B]

It's us, the police.

[A]

No, to me, it sounds like an air raid, which is. I don't like that. I've never been in an air raid. But, hey, I'm a millennial. Give me time.

[B]

Yo. Literally could be today. Okay, Any day now. We know it's coming. I feel like ours is just too, like. Like, I fucking hate our.

[A]

Yeah, I can't remember it now.

[B]

God. As we should be.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's so.

[A]

Ugh.

[B]

I feel like there's like, hey, it's us, y'. All, the police.

[A]

Like, right?

[B]

So they didn't have a number, which is probably why. But I love this. So later, we saw one of them at the same pickpocketers sprinting down the street with a drunk buffoon stumbling after him. No chance at all of catching the guy. So I don't know, maybe we should have called the cops, or maybe we should just be more on guard when we're in new countries. Either way, we still have this guy's id, so we know if he ever tried to pull that shit on us again. See attached photo for proof. Noriega sent us a photo of him holding this guy's id. And I love that these pickpocketers were like, win some, you lose some. All right, let's go back down to that little spot where they be drunk at.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Back to the beats.

[A]

See, and that's where they fucked up. Because it's like a double edged sword. Like, they're targeting drunk people so that their defenses are down, but drunk people ready to nuck and buck. Okay. Ooh.

[B]

Yeah, you're right. That's a little dicey. Cause you might get people who are drunk and just like, ugh. But a lot of times when you get tipsy, you want to touch.

[A]

I'm okay. I'm telling you, like, this story was so, like, satisfying. Like, I'm like, threw him on the. Yeah, Throw him down and kick him and call Craig. Craig.

[B]

Throw him down and kick him.

[A]

Like, gotta get kicked. I mean, and I love. And then my favorite part is when they're like, looking for. He's like, no, now we're gonna ruin your life. Exactly. I love. Cause I love, like, I love when scammers get scammed, when bullies get bullied. Like, I love when you get a taste of your own fucking. I mean, it's such a satisfying story.

[B]

I also love a friend who has to take it there. You know, I'm not a Craig.

[A]

A Craig.

[B]

A Craig. I'm not a Craig, but I have several Craigs in my. That's not true. I'm a Craig. If it's not me. If it's me, I'm more like, ah, well, guys, man, that sucks for me. But then, you know, somebody else will step in and be the Craig. Like, I was on vacation and my cousin became Craig Eric. Yes. He, like, went up.

[A]

Cause, like, I didn't know he had it in him. He's such sweet. He's such a. A sweet, kind person.

[B]

Oh, he like, went ham on these people. But in like the mo. He like, weaponized this podcast, my followers, everything. He was like, yeah, you know, it'd be a shame if she had to talk about how this place is a scam. Cause that's like what she does, you know? This is just really disappointing. But it's okay if you guys don't have any customer service or want to do anything, but I wouldn't recommend it, like, threaten them. And then they came over and apologized and gave us a bunch of free shit.

[A]

Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.

[B]

He was like, Craig, so. But I love that Noriega's Craig was like, oh, nah, nigga, we not just getting your shit Back. We also get they shit rocked.

[A]

We're ruining everything.

[B]

No, now we want revenge. We getting it back in blood.

[A]

We're going to firebomb your family's home when you're not there because.

[B]

Or your grandma stay, nigga.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

Beating her up.

[A]

Also, I love, like, when he, like, rips it open is like, oh, what about this? And it's just. Just like blank papers and.

[B]

Oh, right.

[A]

And this.

[B]

Oh, he was expecting to rob them back. He was like, ah, this is a lint.

[A]

This is a CVS receipt.

[B]

It's not long. Y' all don't have no money, huh? Okay, how do you get a CVS receipt that short? That mean you really broke? You broke from the long will come out for everybody.

[A]

And then you slap them and then you go back to shaking them down. I'm telling you. Let me tell you. That's why I've always said, like, I'm a highly protected person because I've put myself in sketchy ass situations before and I've always made it out okay. But I also think partly it's because people are being protected from me because, bitch, if you give me the in, I'm coming in.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I'm a. Okay, I will say this. If I'm in a situation where there's, like, aggression, I don't know why. My instinct is to not, like, retreat or, like, you know, get out of the situation. My solution is always to be more aggressive. I'm like, how can I convince you that I am fucking insane?

[A]

Right?

[B]

There's been a recent string of, like, in LA attacks, at least people that I know by unhoused people who are not mentally well.

[A]

Oh, fucking our girl.

[B]

Yeah, our girl. And then my other, like, homegirl's cousin.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

They're both entertainers, which is wild. But one of my really good homegirls from college, her cousin is former Olympian. Her name's Kim Glass. She's, like, won gold medals, like, doing volleyball, and she was on the street. Same type of situation as our girl where she was just finishing lunch or whatever, and it was kind of like an outside, inside situation. So they're outside and this unhoused person, like the one that got our girl, like, grabbed her, put her in a headlock and like, the back of her head, like, gave her a concussion. And then this one, he, like, threw a pipe at her.

[A]

God, that's crazy.

[B]

But, yeah, so my friend's cousin, she. This guy, like, threw a pipe and he managed to actually hit her in the face. And, like, she has like, stitching and, like, broken, like, bones. And, like, her. It's all fucked up. It's crazy. And I realized, like, through these situations, like, I forgot that, like, when I was first moved to la, an unhoused person attacked me. But not as bad. Not as bad as them. I got lucky, but it was like I was on my way to an interview. I had on these black pants and this guy. We made eye contact. And that's the thing, y'. All. Like, if you see people on the streets and like, God, we need to just give people fucking housing. It's so insane.

[A]

I mean, that's really what it's about.

[B]

And also the healthcare that they need, like, it's just so fucked. And so. And this is a consequence of us not taking care of our unhoused neighbors is like, they, you know, like, I can't look at it any other way, but. So I was on the street, like. But, oh. What I was gonna say is, like, if you see someone who kind of seems like they're not in their right mind, do not make eye contact with them. Cause every story that I've heard, every one of these people made eye contact with this person. And for some reason, that kind of, like, brings people back.

[A]

It's a focus thing.

[B]

Yeah, it's a focus thing. And once they're focused, then it's like, it could be open season on you. You don't know. So just try not to make eye contact. Be aware of your surroundings. Also, like, this is not to say victim blaming. I'm just saying, like, these are things that I didn't know. And I did. And I. You know, so I made eye contact with this guy because he was, like, yelling, and I thought he was yelling at me. And I was parking in a place that was a little shady. And so I was like. And then we made eye contact, and I was like, oh, it's just this guy yelling, like. And that. I didn't say anything, but maybe my face said that, but I just went back about my business. So when I was going into the building, this actually used to be Sunset, I was walking up into the building, and he was on the sidewalk blocking the entrance. You know, there's a gate. And then. Yeah, so he's blocking that, and he's like, you bitch. You fucking bitch. And I was like, oh, shit. And, like, so the. Craig jumped out because I should have just ran away, but I was like, I'm about to be laid for my scholarship interview. Like, I'm trying to do what I got. So I am like, juking this nigga. I'm, like, on the street, and I'm, like, trying to go left, trying to go right. He's, like, juking back. And then finally he kicks me in my thigh.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

And then he was off balance, so I was like, all right, nigga. Off balance. All right, bet. So now I ran past him, and I, like, went into the building. And when I went into my interview, I was like, hey, y', all, I'm a little, like, kerfuffle fight with an unhoused guy. Cause I just got into a fight with an unhoused guy outside. And I remember Mona was like, ah, the unhoused man test. You passed.

[A]

What an asshole.

[B]

But I had, like, a shoe print. Cause his shoes were really dirty, so I had a shoe print on my thigh. That's how hard he kicked me.

[A]

He really kicked.

[B]

You kicked the fuck out of me.

[A]

Shit.

[B]

But when I told my mom this story, I'm thinking, like, you know, I got past mine. I did what I needed to do. She was like, why the fuck didn't you just go the other direction?

[A]

She was like, why didn't you?

[B]

I was like, I was running late. Like, now this nigga ain't about to stop.

[A]

My blessings, right? Yeah.

[B]

She was like, what if he cut your face? I was like, why do you immediately go there?

[A]

That's the thing she's worried about. She's like, my Lexus.

[B]

That's my moneymaker.

[A]

That's my legacy. It's my face that I gave to you.

[B]

Yeah. What if he cut my face that I gave to you? Why weren't you thinking about me? Literally, because that woman, she's a Leo in every form. Because there's definitely other people's parents might be like, oh, yeah, my daughter's on that TV show or whatever. My mom will literally post it and be like, tonight you might see someone who looks like me on tv.

[A]

That's so funny, especially because you guys look exactly alike.

[B]

But, yeah, no. So it's just guys, get a Craig in your life. Probably don't be the Craig, but get a Craig sometimes. You got.

[A]

Listen, I've been Craig for other people. Be Craig when you need to be Craig. That's the key, is to be Craig when you need to be Craig. You know? Like, there's a time and a place for everything. You can't let these people run over you. You know, it's survival of the fittest out here.

[B]

Okay, fair be Craig. Judiciously, judiciously judiciously judiciously Be Crazy.

[A]

Listen, listen. I saw this TikTok of this woman who was recording this guy following her, and. And I was like, bitch, turn around and curse that motherfucker out. Like, what are you doing? You know what I mean? This is. And I know it's a safety thing, but trust me, there's been plenty of times in my life where I have cursed motherfuckers out on the street. And guess what they do every time? Fucking cower and go and run. Cause they're bullies. You know what I mean? They're bullies fucking with you. So it's like. But of course, if you don't feel comfortable doing that, you gotta have the.

[B]

You gotta suss out the situation. Cause I have cursed out a cop. Like, damn.

[A]

Oh, my God. I've cursed out cops so many times.

[B]

This was. You remember in Texas when we took that trip?

[A]

Oh, my God. Yes. That was crazy.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. So I cussed that motherfucker out. Cause he just looked like every little bitch that I grew up with. And, like, I knew he was from my neighborhood, you know what I mean? He just thought he could intimidate me. Cause I was black. He was standing in my fucking garage. I'm like, nigga, I know you ain't ever seen no money like this. Especially not from some niggas. Get the fuck out of here. For our peaches. I cut his. Ooh, that was. No, that was the whiskey. Cause his. I'll never do that shit again. I'll never do that shit again. My dad was so mad when I told him what happened. He was like, why'd you call me? I was like, so he could shoot you. That's all he wanted was a nigga to come out and shoot me.

[A]

Okay? I was like, no.

[B]

Oh, but I'm so. I think about that fondly, though. Cause I really dragged that nigga. Like, I was like, so this is what your life is about? Like, you're so miserable that all you do is hunt down black and brown people? What, you gonna kill me in my own garage? You're gonna murder me for fun? You're that fucking sick? And I guess, what, you get some paid leave? Maybe some hate tweets?

[A]

Oh, my God. Sounds like it's not ready.

[B]

I came for that man's soul.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

Improv works two ways. You can make people laugh, but you can also make people cry.

[A]

Right, right, right.

[B]

I can look at you and gather every detail of your being.

[A]

Drag you to fail, drag you to filth.

[B]

Which is why I try not to cuss people out. I think the last time I cussed somebody out, you were there. That was the last time I did it.

[A]

And it was epic and it was amazing and it was fucking. It literally got you a standing ovation. Well, I guess it really just was an ovation. Cause they were already standing.

[B]

Cause they were the ballet.

[A]

Nonetheless, it was a standing ovation from the valet line. It was incredible. You guys should have been there.

[B]

I'll never forget what you said too, because you were like, oh, girl, I was gonna stop you, but then I was like, this is great. You were like, I was gonna step in, but look at us.

[A]

Cause they fucking deserve that dragon. All them bitches. I hope they're listening right now. They know who the fuck they is. All you bitches deserve that motherfucking dragon. If you have something to say, come see me. I'm on street. You already know.

[B]

Guys, thanks for coming to a very tangential confession.

[A]

We'd like to formally apologize.

[B]

We're gonna formally apologize. We're gonna put a notes app apology up on Instagram when this airs.

[A]

Keep an eye out for that.

[B]

We are learning and growing and growing. Yeah, we're reading on our third season. We're reading books and yeah, we're gonna know.

[A]

Know. We're gonna know.

[B]

Okay,

[A]

I think that's.

[B]

Yeah, guys and family and scam. Gotta spot at gmail dot com and stay conning, period. Scam Goddess. This has been an Earwolf production in association with Team Coco. Scam Goddess stars and is hosted by me, Lacey Mosley, AKA Scam Goddess. It's produced by Judith Kargbo, engineered by Marina Paiz, and researched by Kaelyn Bray. Rant. Stay scheming. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.