This one’s for Shirley!

Summary

Scam Goddess: "This One’s for Shirley!" (July 28, 2022)

Podcast: Scam Goddess
Host: Laci Mosley (with guest host Priscilla Davies)
Episode Theme: Listener Scam Confessions
Summary By: Podcast Summarizer Expert

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Episode Overview

In this laugh-packed episode of Scam Goddess, Laci Mosley and her guest host Priscilla Davies read and roast listener-submitted confessions of real-life scams. As always, they blend biting commentary, personal stories, and sharp social critique, offering up their signature comedic takes on everything from wacky relationships to petty workplace cons. The highlight: a listener's epic tale of “Shirley,” a mysterious saleswoman behind a major sports stadium ticket scam.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Cultural Rant: Nick Cannon and Low Expectation Dads

Time: 01:17–06:54

• The hosts riff on Nick Cannon’s prolific fatherhood, joking that by 2053 “everyone will be a descendant from Nick Cannon.” (01:19)
• Laci and Priscilla critique the low bar set for men as fathers, compared to women.
• Memorable exchange about public reminders, like LA billboards urging men to “just dance with your kids,” highlighting society’s minimal expectations for dads.
• “Men babysit their own kids. Nick Cannon, get it together.” – Priscilla (04:26)
• The hosts discuss therapy stereotypes and pop-psychology, riffing on Iyanla Vanzant and her over-the-top therapeutic methods:
  • “Your therapist definitely has an ankh necklace.” – Laci (05:35)
  • “Ayala would drag your ass.” – Priscilla (05:50)

Notable Quote

"Look at these fucking goofy dads who don’t even know their kids’ birthdays…and this is why y’all get socks for Father’s Day."
– Laci (approx. 03:41)

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2. Confession One: The “Hobo-sexual” Relationship Scam

Time: 07:34–17:02

Synopsis

A listener (“Canon”) recalls dating a 21-year-old man at 17 (the "bus it law" rant about age-of-consent jokes ensues), only to discover he dated high schoolers for “rides” rather than romance—because he lacked a car and was, in fact, gay.

Discussion & Takeaways

• The hosts dissect predatory age-gap relationships and the red flags around them.
• Extended riffing on restaurant workplace “cults” and the party/allure of bad-idea relationships at 17.
• “That’s that hobo sexual lifestyle, dog.” – Priscilla (14:34)
• The story turns positively: the writer discovers her own queer identity since then.

Notable Quotes

“Truth was, he didn't have a car and I did. And I’m sure I was just his cover-up girlfriend…within a month of this drama, he was engaged to another man. The happy ending here is that I am also gay now. So he really saved me from myself.”
– Listener “Canon” (15:03)

“This is what homosexuality is all about—with a splash of hobo-sexuality.”
– Laci (15:49)

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3. Confession Two: Shirley, the Stadium Ticket Scammer

Time: 19:01–35:43

Synopsis

A listener ("Brazil") recounts working in entry-level ticket sales for a poor-performing pro baseball team (the Orioles, by deduction), and uncovering the legend of Shirley—a mysterious, long-tenured saleswoman with supernatural office arrivals, fierce wigs, and unbeatable sales records.

How Shirley Ran Her Scam

• Shirley, always at the sales leaderboard’s top, sandbagged contests by holding big deals until the last minute.
• The scam: Shirley used expired/unused credit card info from dormant accounts to log fake sales, printed the tickets, and gave them to friends, family, and possibly scalpers—earning commission in the process.
• “She got the commission on bogus sales to fund her church suits and her terrible wigs… people got free tickets.” – Laci (30:59)
• The scam unraveled only after Shirley charged a lawyer’s card, leading to HR, finance, and general counsel (lawyer) meetings—all “behind closed doors.”
• Remarkably, Shirley was allowed to “resign” with a two-week notice and even received a farewell party, rather than being fired or prosecuted.

Discussion & Takeaways

• The hosts roast "synthetic, highly flammable" wigs, and hypothesize about the team’s financial desperation:
  • “The suits loved Shirley. That’s why Shirley was getting to the money.” – Laci (33:46)
• Shirley is lauded as a community hero for “helping her people go to games,” blending fraud with Robin Hood vibes.
• “Shirley, you’re an icon. I do hope you get some better wigs.” – Laci (35:14)

Notable Quotes

“She had never drove into the office and I'd never seen her in a car ever. Hell, I actually never witnessed her coming or going. She just appeared.”—Listener “Brazil” (23:32)

“That’s that hobo sexual lifestyle, dog.”—Priscilla (14:34)

“Sure, Shirley stole millions of dollars, but listen, some kids can’t go to college now, okay? But Shirley got the masses in them seats, okay?”—Laci (34:53)

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Memorable Moments by Timestamp

• 01:19–04:26: Nick Cannon, fatherhood, and society’s low bar for dads
• 07:34–17:02: “Hobo-sexual” relationship scam confession and aftermath
• 14:34: “That’s that hobo sexual lifestyle, dog.” — defining moment
• 19:08–24:49: Introduction of Shirley, church suits, and sandbagging sales contests
• 25:06–29:52: The investigation, “door closing” suspense, and the office conspiracy unraveling
• 30:59–35:43: The reveal of Shirley’s scam, listener and hosts’ reactions, and Shirley’s controversial legacy

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Overall Tone and Highlights

• Sharp, irreverent, and personable: Both hosts swing rapidly from social commentary to hilarious storytelling and listener empathy.
• Supportive and affirming: The hosts champion listener growth (“the happy ending here is that I am also gay now”) and find the heart in every scam, even when roasting.
• Iconic lines about “hobo-sexuality,” wigs, and work culture: These become running jokes, keeping the episode lively and memorable.
• “Stay schemin’, stay surelying, stay sexy.” — closing benediction (37:24)

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Takeaway

This episode showcases exactly what Scam Goddess does best: blending genuine social critique, reader confessions, and uproariously funny commentary. Whether critiquing the shallow standards society holds for men, dissecting age-gap dating red flags, or celebrating the legacy of a resourceful scammer like Shirley, Laci Mosley and Priscilla Davies keep listeners entertained and enlightened.

Final Blessing:
“Stay schemin’, stay surelying, stay sexy.” (37:28)

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For more, join the Scam Goddess ‘Con-gregation’ and, as always, stay scheming!

Transcript

[A]

Well, well, guess who's back. It's your favorite hosts on your favorite show, Confessions.

[B]

Oh, the Simpsons is gonna sue us.

[A]

We're sued. We're sued. Don't worry. I did a B sharp instead of a B flat. So we're gonna.

[B]

No, they're gonna know. They're gonna.

[A]

They're gonna know. They're gonna know. But. Well, I'm your host, Priscilla Davies, and

[B]

here's your other host, Lacey Mosley.

[A]

And as usual, we're here reading your listener letters about your scams and, you know, just talking smack about you. Cause that's what we do. It's what we do.

[B]

You write in and then we talk cash shit about you. No, no, we love you. Thank you for writing in. Thank you for listening to the scam of the show, which is Stitcher Premium.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

So what are we getting into? P. What's up?

[A]

Well, let's see. We. You know, we got a few letters here. Shall we just jump in? Let's see. Do you have a name for me? Ooh,

[B]

canon.

[A]

Because Cannon.

[B]

Soon we will all be descendants of Nick Cannon. That's the real great replacement theory is that Nick Cannon's gonna have so many kids that by 2053, everyone will be a descendant from Nick Cannon.

[A]

I'm sorry, but now I'm sick of it. I wasn't sick of it. Like child seven. I was like, man, this is business. Whatever. Now I'm sick of it.

[B]

Child nine. It was child nine for you.

[A]

Yeah, it's this last fucking kid. Cause remember, after the one that sadly passed, right?

[B]

He wins.

[A]

Oh, they were twins. I didn't know that.

[B]

Yeah. So one of them lived and one of them passed. Oh, I didn't know that. And then he had the ninth baby is by the woman who had the twins. So he is, like starting to double back, which I appreciate a little bit that it's not a new home, that is not going to have a father, but.

[A]

Ooh, ooh, can we. Can we get a Ooh track in there? Jesus. Yeah, it's just like. It's like, get help. Dude. Listen. Nick Cannon isn't. Listen, He's a child. He's an icon. He's been around since what, the 20s?

[B]

So funny. He's been around since the 1800s.

[A]

Literally.

[B]

He's an icon. But, sir, stop. There's no possible. He's like, I am very involved on my kids lives. I facetime them before they go to school every day. And when I'm in town, I pick them up and I'm like, that's. How many FaceTimes do you have to do, sir? Nine. That's a lot of FaceTimes.

[A]

And do you know how much lag you get when you have nine different FaceTimes going on at once? Should be freezing. Yeah, it's like.

[B]

And then.

[A]

And even that, just that sentence, like, oh, you know, I. Whenever I'm in town, I. Blah, blah. Whenever you're in town. Being a dad is a full time fucking job, bro.

[B]

It's not like several kids. You can't make sense. And you have several jobs as well. So I know when you shooting all these jobs, you're not with your kids.

[A]

Okay? Like. And, you know, it just speaks to. I'm about to, you know, go on a mini rant here because this has been one of my recent pet peeves. It just speaks to just like how little we expect of men as fathers, you know? Like, I was watching this TikTok and it was like, this girl was like. It was a clip of like, maybe, let's say Jimmy Kimmel or whatever somebody on the street, right? And they're asking fathers with their kids like, you know, what's your daughter's birthday? Don't fucking know. What school does your daughter go to? Don't fucking know. Like, it was like that. And it was framed as like, oh, look at these fucking goofy dads who don't even know their kids birthdays and their da da da, da da. And her. The TikTok was like, and this is why y' all get socks for Father's Day.

[B]

And that's what you deserve. I talked about this, like, in la, there are advertisements everywhere that be like, take time to be a dad. Dance with your kid, listen to them, talk to your kids. Like, why is it expected that women have to be full time parents, but dads are just like, I don't know, I just never.

[A]

Babysitters. They're babysitters. They babysit their own kids. You know, Nick Cannon, get it together. We still. We love. We. We stan a king. But. But God damn it, get it together. I just honestly though, you know, I. I don't know. You know, big families, some. Some people want. I mean, obviously that's a different situation, but some people want big families, I guess.

[B]

Yeah, but then have a family with one person or adopt or like. Cause now you got a bunch of half siblings, who are they gonna know each other? Like, I feel like Mariah's kids are not gonna know the rest of them. Kids like that.

[A]

Mariah, like, we don't know Them. We don't know them.

[B]

We don't know them. Never heard of them.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But like, very ghetto. Like, how you having ghetto twins? You got two women pregnant at the same time? Like, what are you doing?

[A]

It's just so tacky and it's just so. Honestly, like I said, by the time we got to nine, I was like, yo, this. He really needs to just. I would recommend some deep fucking therapy. And I feel like Nick Cannon probably already goes to therapy. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah, but he needs deeper therapy. Like, get in a sound deprivation tank.

[A]

You can't go to a HOTEP for therapy. And I'm sure Your therapist is Dr. Umar Johnson.

[B]

Right? Your therapist definitely has an ankh necklace.

[A]

That doesn't count as therapy.

[B]

Nick called you a king. You need to go to real therapy. Please stop going to Iyanla. Stop rapping your lyrics.

[A]

You know Iyanla would drag your ass.

[B]

Oh, yeah, because Ayala did that thing with the guy who had all them kids. So she put them baby dolls in his hand. One fell and then they did, like, Ayala's camera. People are so funny. The editors, top notch. Like, they panned out to the one baby doll on the ground. And then she's like.

[A]

With some ominous music.

[B]

Yep. And she's like, see, you can't even hold all them babies. How are you gonna love all them babies? I got a deep black woman voice.

[A]

Not on my watch. I love her.

[B]

She's a fucking comedian. She's so funny.

[A]

I fucking love her to death.

[B]

I feel like the pitch for her show was like, what if therapy was comedy? Yeah, therapy was hilarious. Stay with us. Stay with us. It is hilarious.

[A]

Cause all those little fucking, like, activities. She does, like the baby thing or like, she pulls out a fucking whiteboard with, like, post it notes. It's just like, where did. Who came? Okay, I want you to cut this into a hard shape. You hear me?

[B]

She told that love and hip hop actress. She was like, pop my butt. Do you know what that meant to Harriet Tubman? Whipping.

[A]

Which is like, ma', am, why do we even need to know what it meant to Harriet Tubman? I'm just trying to make some fucking money in 2022, okay?

[B]

People wanna pop their butts, but what is this first letter? We promise we're gonna give you guys more letters.

[A]

We are reading letters right now. Did we get a name?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Canon. That's how we got on that tangent.

[A]

Thank you. Let's start this tangent over. Speaking of Canon. No. Okay.

[B]

Hi, Lacey.

[A]

Love your podcast. So Much. Yay. It really gets me through my long shift, long ass shifts. So thank you.

[B]

Yay.

[A]

Yay. All right, I'm gonna tell you about a time I was in a whole relationship of a scam when I was in high school. So I met this man at my workplace, and I say man because he was 21. If you're in high school, that's a fucking man. You're 100% correct.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was only 17. Yeah. Ooh, nasty Already. Already, Right?

[B]

Nasty already. Nasty.

[A]

As you may know, as a fellow Texan, that is the legal age. That is the legal age of consent. So I had no qualms in falling for this guy and eventually dating him.

[B]

Now, listen, the government makes laws that are not really. It's just a bunch of old white dudes in a room. Like, let's make laws.

[A]

Making laws to protect themselves.

[B]

Don't forget that.

[A]

Because a lot of those old white men are out there with child bribes and things like that behind the scenes. Okay?

[B]

So when they decide like, oh, legally at 17. Yeah, she can bust it. No, that's literally creepy ass men.

[A]

I don't think that's what they wrote in HR27, but

[B]

it's not.

[A]

Yeah, she can bust it.

[B]

No, it's not. That's not good.

[A]

It's called the bus it law. Yeah. I'm already concerned here. And this is another one of my pet peeves. In addition to shitty fathers. It's these age gap relationships, man. These fucking age gap relationships are always so sus. So we know the. So she's. She's fine about this. Cause of the age of consent. The relationship was rocky. He had a coke addiction.

[B]

I'm done.

[A]

And there. And this is exactly.

[B]

This is why he ain't looking at women his own age, because they would be like, sir, your nose is running constantly like this.

[A]

Did you have a powdered donut before you got here?

[B]

I was at the pool yesterday, and this guy, like, I have very friendly neighbors. We're all really cool. We hang out. And so I walked by the pool and I saw that they were there, so I popped in and this guy, who I don't know was like, lacey, what's up? I'm like, I've never met this man in my life. And he was talking to me, like, nonstop, really, really fast. And then I noticed when I looked at his nose, there was like a whole, like a whole bushel of cocaine.

[A]

Just like, not a bushel

[B]

sitting there unsnorted. And I was like, sir, first of

[A]

all, snort that up. Right now it's like looking at a booger and it's making me uncomfortable.

[B]

Right. He's either gonna sneeze and go about his day or he's gonna inhale and be like, woo. I was like, sir. God. But yeah. So this man has a. That's why he's not dealing with women his own age. Cause a woman his own age would have been like, so you have cocaine in your nose and all your gums. What's happening? Like, like, what are you doing?

[A]

Also, yeah, yeah. Like, I bet you. How much you want to bet this was a restaurant job.

[B]

I would put money on it. Because, listen, if you have an addictive personality, don't work in restaurants because some other fuckers drink all the time. Because restaurant work sucks. Unless you're like a Somalia and like making $100,000 a year and it's your career and passion. Like, most of us are just doing it to stop doing it one day.

[A]

Right. Literally to pay the freaking bills. Yeah. And it's cult like as well. It is so many cults, restaurant cults. I had to extricate myself from.

[B]

I'm still in one. I'm going to another cult member's wedding.

[A]

There it is.

[B]

The weddings in Mexico. So, you know, I'm in the cult deep.

[A]

Oh, that's a deep, deep cult hell.

[B]

Booked a flight. Yeah.

[A]

See it. So, you know, he had a coke addiction and even spent a month in jail while we were dating. But see, when you're 17, that's exciting to you because you don't know. You know, it's fast life. Yeah. So I had been hiding this relationship from my parents, as you should have,

[B]

because you knew it was wrong.

[A]

Yeah. And even lost my V word to this man. Even though red flag number one. Oh, she puts that in parentheses. Even though red flag number one. He was very hesitant to get physical with me.

[B]

Hmm. I don't mind that. Okay, maybe. No, no, no, no, no, no.

[A]

But that's like the red flag like, that he. Because he knows.

[B]

Oh, right. He knows that he's trying to go by the bus it law and that this is still not right. Okay, I don't.

[A]

I don't like the bus it law.

[B]

I don't like it at all. I hate it.

[A]

Okay, so after. Yeah, okay. So after a few months, my mom. My mom found out about our relationship and flipped a shit. And I was messaging him frantically, like, what do we do? She found. She found out. But we're in love. We have to find a way to make this work and get Straight up. And I guess she's saying. And he straight up, did not text me call for like a week. Cannon, y', all, please proofread your shit.

[B]

Just read it out loud one good time before you.

[A]

Just one good time. Just don't hit send right when you're. Once you hit that last period, don't hit send.

[B]

And that's just a lesson for all of us. When you hit that last period, go ahead and read it out loud to yourself. One time. One time.

[A]

My tutoring days, this was one of my biggest fucking pet peeves. I watched my students that they would hit that last period and throw the pencil across the room like, done. Never even started. I'm still finished. And I would be like, oh, did you read it over? I was fucking watching you. Did you read it over? Yeah, I read it. I read it three times. You're a fucking liar. But yeah, always read. And that's for emails, for text messages. Always just read. I promise you, it's not as good as you thought it was. Okay, so. And she's like, oh, my God, like, whatever. And so he straight up did not text me or call me for like a week. Then one day at work, this girl that also worked with us and was close friends with him urgently took me out to her car, like, girl, I have something to tell you. And she spilled all the tea about how this man was actually gay.

[B]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

And had been sleeping with various men while we were together and doing all sorts of drugs and partying all the time. And I had no clue. Eventually he did send me a long ass message admitting he had been lying about being straight and all this shit. And I had just been so convinced he was straight and we were in love. Laughing emoji. Truth was, he didn't have a car and I did. And I'm. This is a real.

[B]

Wait, what a left turn. Truth was, he didn't have a car. Listen, not you being out here. A full homosexual. But she's like, I need a ride, so I'm gonna have to.

[A]

So I'm gonna have to play straight. I'm gonna have to play straight. Like. Well, she was probably driving him to work every day.

[B]

Yeah, obviously.

[A]

That's that hobo sexual lifestyle, dog.

[B]

That's the hobo sexual lifestyle. You gotta be like, oh, okay, I love you, girl. Let's move in. I sleep here now. Why have we never gone to your place? Why have we never gone to your car? No, my car's in the right.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

My car's at the dealership I haven't purchased it yet.

[A]

My car's on my vision board. Yeah, I haven't gotten around to it yet.

[B]

Yeah, but it is my car.

[A]

It's my car. That's what I have to tell myself to manifest it. So, truth was, he didn't have a car and I did. And I'm sure I was just his cover up girlfriend laughing my ass off. But within a month of this drama, he was engaged to another man. The happy ending here is that I am also gay now. So he really saved me for myself. Connor, I need you out.

[B]

Cannon. Cannon. Sorry.

[A]

Connor Cannon Briley. And grandson.

[B]

But also too. I am also too gay. So we were just two gays. One who wanted an excited boyfriend and one who needed a car.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

This is what homosexuality is all about.

[A]

Oh my God. With a splash of hobo sexuality.

[B]

Yeah, just a splash. Just a taste for a little dazzle. Dazzle.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

This was a lot.

[A]

Canon. Canon.

[B]

You hit us with a lot of curveballs.

[A]

I mean, I thought we were starting with the stereotypical creepy, creepy older dude getting with the younger girl. I'm assuming Cannon's a girl. You know, it started off that way and I was about to get into my age gap. Little rant. But then it just like.

[B]

I don't even. I'm actually okay with everything that happens off the rails. Like, wow. Canon. What a. What a letter. I. I'm sorry. But maybe not. Because then you. You would have found yourself on your own journey without this creepy ass car user man.

[A]

Yeah, that. I mean, yeah, he. He was messy. I don't know why I can't be mad at him though.

[B]

It's just.

[A]

It's just all. It just was messy. Like. But I mean, when you need a ride, you need a ride. I've been there.

[B]

Necessary. By any means necessary.

[A]

Like, when you need a ride, you'll do a lot.

[B]

The despo meter. It's like, I need a ride. So, you know, either I got to have the gas or the ass or the cash. And he was like, I'm gonna give ass. I got the ass.

[A]

Even though he was hesitant to hook up with this Connor, I think. I'm sorry, Canon. Canon Connor.

[B]

I know that you're Connor now.

[A]

Connor's his middle name. Um, I. Yeah. My only concern is like, why would you do this to a 17 year old?

[B]

Yeah, there's like so many other like age appropriate people you could get rides from.

[A]

And. And also like, you could have just gotten a ride. You could have just been like, hey,

[B]

can I Get a ride called Lyft or Uber. Yeah, you could have just asked the 17 year old to drop you off. You didn't have to pretend to be in a relationship with a child. Yeah, when you're 17, you drop people off. It's fine. I mean, if you stop dropping people off at like 25, you know, then you're like, I ain't dropping you off, I ain't picking you up. But 17, it's all about the fun. You like driving, you're on the road, you know, it's fresh.

[A]

Especially if you work together. You know, just get a ride to and from work. It's nothing crazy. And don't worry about the white stuff in my bag.

[B]

Yeah, that's meth. I'm doing crystal meth in the car ride. What about it?

[A]

I'm just happy that Canon is okay.

[B]

Yeah, Cannon, we're just happy that you're good. Yeah, unlike our brother Nick, who is down pretty bad. Very bad. Well, guys, let's get into our next letter. Look at us. See, we're getting to the letters.

[A]

Guys, we're moving.

[B]

We're not gonna lie to you anymore.

[A]

We're not gonna scam you.

[B]

We're gon do the job we swear

[A]

that we signed up for.

[B]

So P. I need a fake name.

[A]

Let's go with Brazil.

[B]

Brazil.

[A]

Love it.

[B]

So Brazil says, early in my career I worked in ticket sales for a stadium that had shitty sports teams. That job in and of itself was a bit of a scam because if you are working an entry level ticket sales job, it's always for the shitty team. Because good teams are always sold out and people that work at good teams stay in those jobs for like 25, five years. So you're 22 years old, fresh out of college, spending eight hours a day smiling and dialing, trying to get folks to buy tickets to watch some team with a losing record. In quotes. Hey, come out with a family to have a great time watching these hometown losers lose some more. Girl, that's not a good sales pitch.

[A]

I like your enthusiasm.

[B]

Hey, you live here. Come on out here and see this team. Take an L. It's keeping taxes.

[A]

Get your taxes worth.

[B]

Get like the most chemically shitty hot dog and a way expensive beer and hang out with your family. So as it's a sales job, we made just enough in base compensation to pay rent. But if you also wanted to maybe eat food that month or have electricity in your home, you had to hustle for that commission,

[A]

so.

[B]

So America, right?

[A]

And like the fact that you Gotta be fucking commissioning on sales at a fucking baseball. Like, y' all are a whole ass baseball franchise. You know how much goddamn money you have to have to be a fucking franchise? And you're paying people on commission. Come on, bro, you can give people a living wage.

[B]

You ain't gonna work hard if you don't got no commission incentives.

[A]

I just am so sick of this goddamn corporatocracy that we live in. I can't believe that we just letting these white boys drive us into a goddamn ditch. This whole entire.

[B]

And R and R and R and will.

[A]

And it's like, that's it. And we're all just like, damn, that recession's coming. I hope we make it right.

[B]

I'm tired of surviving. Like, I feel like we all just in a constant loop of, I'm a survivor, like every day. I'm not.

[A]

And not even like that version, the Whitney Houston version for when she's accepting her award. That's the survivor.

[B]

I'm a survivor. That's the version that we're Hear the sadness. I don't want to survive anymore. Like, can we thrive? Like, can. Can we be happy? Like, why is every day, like, so bad? You get. You get on the news. You don't even have to look at the news. Like, you can just open your phone. Apple will tell you, hey, girl, it's even better today.

[A]

It's even better.

[B]

Hey, girl. Shit looking bleak. Are you gonna do your iOS update or no, you wanna remind you tomorrow. Oh, I mean, you want these new emojis where the face is just melting into nothingness? Cause you need that because that's your life.

[A]

Here's our new emoji. Existential dread. And then

[B]

you're gonna want these emojis.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

We got a new emoji that's just like, God help me, we got one that's like one foot in the grave. Like, you know, you're really gonna need to communicate with these. You're gonna need to communicate with these.

[A]

I wish that Brazil had named and shamed this goddamn team.

[B]

I wanna know what the bad team is too. I really do.

[A]

Something's telling me, my intuition's telling me the Orioles. I don't know why, I just keep hearing Orioles in my head. Yeah, the Orioles.

[B]

A team we've never heard of.

[A]

I don't know where they're from. Do they exist anymore? Yeah, they do.

[B]

I think they do.

[A]

Oh, oh, Baltimore.

[B]

They're in Baltimore. They do.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Baltimore as a city is also down really bad. So this makes sense. We're just gonna say it's the Orioles, because that sounds right.

[A]

Just replace every time it says team. Put Orioles in.

[B]

So anyway, in the Orioles sales department, there was this older woman. We call her Shirley. Shirley had been with her team, the Orioles, for years. Shirley was mysterious as hell. She had never drove into the office and I'd never seen her in a car ever. Hell, I actually never witnessed her coming or going. She just appeared.

[A]

Shirley.

[B]

Shirley is a sentient being and I love that for her. So she'd always walk up from some random alley in her best church suits and worst wig. Oh, not you coming for Shirley. Wigs. She had them shaking. Goes. That's why you never saw her coming or going. She had them shaking, goes. She shook the wig and then she just disappeared. It was like I Dream of Jeannie where she does her nose. But it's her wig.

[A]

It's her wig.

[B]

So mind you, the location of our offices were not in a residential area, and it was a huge mystery where the fuck she lived and how the she got to work. She literally just pop up out of nowhere and scare the hell out of you because where the did you even come from?

[A]

Okay, Shirley.

[B]

I love Shirley. I'm Shirley's best friend.

[A]

Yeah, I'm intrigued.

[B]

So, because Shirley had been with the stadium so long, she had tons of steady clients and was always at the top of the sales board. And that was a sandbagger. What does that mean? It sounds, if we had sales going on like a contest, that he would always come in on the last day of the contest with some big ass sell out, out of nowhere and won. So basically she would. So sandbagging. She's basically coming into the last second and winning.

[A]

So it's like dumping sand, I guess. I don't know.

[B]

Not letting people know where your progress is, not letting them know where you're at because you don't want them to compete harder. So whoever feels like they're in first plays might get a little lackadaisical because they're like, I want it. And she's like sitting on a deal that she's going to tell everybody about and then win.

[A]

Smart bitch.

[B]

One afternoon the phone rings and our department admin answers it. All of a sudden she gets very quiet, looks worried, and tells the person she will escalate the matter and call them back. Then the admin goes to our VP's office and closes the door.

[A]

Ooh, some bad happen.

[B]

Then five minutes later, someone from finance comes down and goes into the VP's office and closes the door too.

[A]

That's a lot of door clos.

[B]

A lot of door closing going on. You know when that door getting closed can't be good. We leave the door open. I'm gonna leave the door open.

[A]

But it's good news. I was like, am I supposed to recognize that?

[B]

But you gotta close the door when there's some mess. Then the general counsel comes down, goes into the office, and guess what he does?

[A]

Close the door. Is there. There has to be a Close the door song.

[B]

It has to be a Close the door. I know it's Close the door. No, but though I'm trying to put it in. Turn off the lights, light a candle.

[A]

Close the door. Close the door.

[B]

Close the door. So. Oh my God. Then the VP of hr. Wait, can we just.

[A]

The general counsel? What the hell is that?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

That sounds like some initiate secret Skull and bone.

[B]

What?

[A]

Who the fuck is the general counsel of the Orioles?

[B]

CIA of the business. Like, what? Judith. Judith has stepped in. General counsel is probably the lawyer because. Counsel, lawyer. Why are we so dumb?

[A]

So dumb. How am I not?

[B]

I was thinking like tribal council. Like, like.

[A]

And she spells it and she spelled it the proper way. We were. We're just dumb. She spelled it the right way.

[B]

Sorry, guys. We never pretended to know things. So then the VP of HR comes down and you know, he gonna get that door on his hand just too. Everybody closing the door. Then admin comes out to the sales floor, gets Shirley and walks her back into the VP office. And you know what they do when they walk into the office?

[A]

It's a whole lot of doors closed. Damn. We're gonna get into something.

[B]

It's a whole lot of door closing in this window.

[A]

Hey.

[B]

So yeah, they. They bring Shirley in and they close that damn door. Obviously something was afoot, but by then it was 5:29. And they weren't paying me to stay past 5:30. I know that's right.

[A]

Amen.

[B]

Amen. She was like, I do want to know what's happening behind. Stand clear of the closing doors. But she had to stand clear because she was like, it's 5:30. So I'm going, go ahead and stand clear.

[A]

Okay, I respect that.

[B]

I'm not getting into it. And I understand. The next day, Shirley announces out of nowhere that she's resigning. We're all super confused. I mean, are you that confused? She was behind the door.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know something happened at that door, right? So do you have a new job? We're asking. You're probably the most successful person at slanging tickets for this wack ass Orioles team. Why would you leave in the middle of the season before we got bonuses? And she was like, I just feel that my time here is done. I feel like somebody had told you that your time was done, right? I like this though. It's like if somebody tries to break up with you, you'd be like, I break up with you. She's like, no, no, no. I quit before y' all sue me.

[A]

You put me in jail for fraud. Because I feel like that's where this is heading.

[B]

So obviously that was a lie. She would never get a new wig without that bonus. You really want Shirley to get a new wig? You are a hater.

[A]

You're a hater, Brazil.

[B]

She said, Shirley's wigs are giving synthetic. They're giving highly flammable. They're giving shake. And now she's going. She's leaving the profession. So Shirley does her last two weeks. So she did her last two weeks. Now, Shirley, what had happened behind this door that they didn't fire you immediately? You do your last two weeks.

[A]

I can't wait to find out what's happen. This is a mystery, honey. I can't wait.

[B]

I'm like, scribble like, what y' all, somebody pull Charlie wig off and tell us who Charlie really is. It's the mayor of the Orioles. You pull Shirley wig off. She. Is she one of the baseball players? She a pitch hitter? It's the second. It's Betty Medina, second baseman.

[A]

I just threw her name out there. I don't know if that's a real person.

[B]

I love it. It sounds like a person who, who plays baseball to me. So Shirley does her last two weeks, passes off her clients to the other staff, and we have a goodbye party for her. So Shirley was loved. They don't know how she got to work. They don't know how she left. They don't know how she got all the clients. They don't know how she won all the contests, but they gonna throw her a goodbye party. So almost immediately after Shirley's last day, everyone finds out the true reason behind it all. I wanna know. I need to know. So it turns out that all those last minute sales that Shirley was getting, she would find old accounts in the system that had unexpired credit cards on them and log the sales against them. Then she'd have the tickets printed and give them to her friends and family. It was a whole scam. She got the commission on the bogus sales to fund her church suits and her terrible Wigs. I added that in because I know you wanted to. And her people got free tickets to sports events. I mean, she's helping out the community. Shirley seems like a community organizer. Like general counsel for her friends and family. Getting them tickets.

[A]

Counsel with an El, not an Il.

[B]

So, come to think of it, I bet Shirley sold those tickets to scalpers and came up twice, not you. Adding on to it. The only reason she got caught is because she tried to pull her scam on a law firm. And the lawyer whose card she charged wasn't to be played with. I'm still floored that they let Shirley quit and had a whole party for her fraudulent ass.

[A]

I just realized that they threw a goodbye party to her after finding out she fucking stole millions of dollars from the franchise.

[B]

I love that. They were like, look, this team is so down bad that one. We ain't gonna call none of the people you robbed. We ain't gonna ask no questions. But you do have to quit. But you can work for two more weeks.

[A]

Two more weeks. And yes, you still have access to the credit cards during these two weeks,

[B]

do what you can do. Because then when you leave, we can be like, it wasn't us, it was Shirley. But we gonna have to keep the money.

[A]

That's what it's giving me. It's giving like. I feel like behind that closed door, you know, it was. It went a little something like, close the door, Shirley.

[B]

That's why that damn door was closed. Because they knew they was in there. Like, okay, Shirley, thank you so for robbing all these people for us.

[A]

They were like, shirley, honestly, I'm not upset. I'm not mad. If I'm being real.

[B]

They're like, hot dog sales been through the roof.

[A]

We can barely fill the seats. Till you showed up. Cher. Cher. Okay.

[B]

Before you, like, we couldn't even get nobody to sing the National Anthem, okay? We was going to middle schools and being like, hey, kids, would you mind coming to singing? And now. And now we can get. We got Maya. Maya coming to sing the National Anthem. We can almost book Keyshia Cole.

[A]

Shout out to Maya and Keyshia Cole. Maya looks amazing, by the way. Have you seen her recently? She looks amazing.

[B]

She looks fantastic. She looks so good. I love her. But they're like, we can finally get some artists that people recognize. Before this, we just had to play the Fergie version of the National Anthem because. Because they told us we couldn't play the Whitney cause we couldn't afford the rights.

[A]

Is this the one where Ginnywine performed and Hit his little backup dance.

[B]

No, I'm talking about the Fergie national anthem when she, like, went off the rails.

[A]

Oh, I remember that one. Oh, my God. So embarrassing.

[B]

No. Yo, yo.

[A]

So embarrassing. Shirley. Still can't believe they. Yo, the suits love Shirley. That's why they loved her.

[B]

That's why Shirley was getting to the money. Okay, hey, everybody mad? Jk. Just that one law firm that found out they was mad. Really?

[A]

The law firm's not even mad. It's just that one person, that law

[B]

firm petty ass person that was like, wait a. Hold a goddamn minute. Shirley.

[A]

They were like, wait a minute. Let me do some math real quick.

[B]

And she got a two week. It's a two week exit period for me.

[A]

I'm like, so you didn't take her away in cuffs?

[B]

Okay, you should have fired Shirley on the spot. What's happening?

[A]

You should have. The police should have been in there behind the closed door, right?

[B]

The pd. The Baltimore PD should also have been behind the closed door. And they're like, nah, we'll just let you quit on your own time. Shirley, we love you.

[A]

I respect that. I mean, and there it is. Sure. Sure, it was $1.8 billion.

[B]

Sure. She bankrupted several businesses.

[A]

Sure, Baltimore's been down bad, all because of Shirley siphoning revenue from the city.

[B]

Sure. Okay. Some kids can't go to college now, okay? Yeah, but Shirley got the masses in them seats, okay?

[A]

So let's get her a fucking cake. Let's get her a fucking. A fucking balloon and send her off the Orioles way.

[B]

Shirley, you're an icon. I. I do hope you get some better wigs, because I want that for you. I want you to have a human hair wig.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, why didn't you use some of that money? But you know what? Shirley was probably using that money for real.

[B]

Shit. She was helping out her family. You know what I'm saying? She was paying bills, you know?

[A]

So I'm not even mad at her for not getting a better. You know what?

[B]

She's. Shirley got nieces and nephews. Yeah, Shirley is definitely tithing.

[A]

You know, Shirley from Be more. Shirley says two. Like, two.

[B]

Two.

[A]

Okay, two. Two.

[B]

He's like, y' all want two tickets? Y' all want two?

[A]

You do want. Now I'm going British. Do you want two?

[B]

Do you want two tickets? Oh, I got two tickets for y',

[A]

all, but you want to go. You. You want to go in the parking lot? You want to go get two? The water? You want water or you want water?

[B]

Yeah, y' all go in there. You get tickets for free. You get two tickets, and you go in there, you buy a lot of waters.

[A]

All the waters you can get. I just need your credit card from last year. Oh, Shirley, we respect you. You're you going, like the hall of fame.

[B]

You're an icon. We love you, Priscill. I could see that there's a bit of hateration that you have for Shirley because she took all the bonuses, but you also love Shirley.

[A]

Like, yeah, I love Shirley.

[B]

I think you fuck with Shirley, too. Guys, that's the end of another bonus episode of Confessions. Damn, already they go by so quick.

[A]

I know.

[B]

We love you, Shirley. This one's for Shirley.

[A]

Let me take a sip for Shirley. Oh, I can't take it. Too loud,

[B]

Shirley. No, Temple. I'mma close my door right now for you, Shirley. I ain't never gonna leave my door open.

[A]

Close the. I tried that one before. Didn't know.

[B]

We don't know any songs about closing doors.

[A]

God damn.

[B]

Closing time for the door.

[A]

We tried.

[B]

All right, congregation, stay scheming, stay surelying.

[A]

Stay. Yeah. Just stay sexy.

[B]

Work for the Orioles

[A]

In Baltimore.

[B]

In Baltimore. Help them. Help them.

[A]

Help the kids, too.

[B]

Damn goddess.