← ScreenStrong Families
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- [00:00]
A
Foreign. Hi, everyone, and welcome to the Screenstrong Families Podcast, bringing you the best solutions for parents who are serious about eliminating screen conflicts in their home. This is Melanie Hempe, and once again, I am so glad that you are here today. If you are one of our regular listeners, welcome back. And if you are a new friend, we are so glad. Glad you found us. And you can just thank the person that told you about this podcast because you're going to feel like you're no longer alone with your screen questions. And we all have so many screen questions, but you have found your people. So today's show is so fun. I am so. I love when I get to talk to other moms on this show. It just makes me giddy, kind of. So. I'm so excited. But one thing I hear from parents a lot is Melanie. I cannot take my kids video games or their phones away because they will hate me if I do. In fact, I was even listening to something, a clip from a major network. It was on a talk show and the host said the same thing. She said, I can't imagine that I could take this stuff away from my kids because they're going to hate me. She literally said that. And I'm like, oh, no.
- [01:24]
B
And I wanted to go through this
- [01:26]
A
screen and I actually need to email these people and say, no, no, no, no, no, no, you have it all wrong. And I, I just, it just makes me so sad when I hear this because not only is it not true, but how sad it must be to live in that fear that your kids are going to hate you if you make a good decision for them. And so I just. While you're listening today, I just want you to think about having a different perspective on that because I know that we all have this fear of our kids not liking us. In fact, that's probably one of the main drivers why we cave and give in to video games and smartphones. And the other reason why we cave is because we just don't know the risk. We don't understand the risk. And we hear all these opinions and we read all the things, but we really don't understand the science. And that's why Screenstrong is here. And if you're new, you will learn very quickly that we are not a screen free organization. We go a lot deeper than that. And we, we are an organization that doesn't believe that kids need to have toxic screens. And those are the types of screens that increase their dopamine level so high that it gets them addicted. And that's the way screens are designed today, you know, we're not playing Pac man anymore. We're playing very, very well designed video games and social media. We can add to that list that are designed to keep our kids hooked. And by doing that, it is affecting other areas of their life, it is affecting the other things they love. It is affecting their relationship with you. And that's why we care and that's why this matters so much. We know from all the science behind any addiction that it takes at least 30 days to start that journey of detoxing their brain from dopamine. Or even if it's an alcoholic, a drug addict, any addiction has dopamine as the main common thread. And it doesn't take a day, it doesn't take two weeks, it takes 30 full days. And all of the research says this, all the physicians agree. This is nothing that is argued, no one's confused about this. So if you feel like the reason why your kids are going to hate you if you take their screens away or if you go screen strong is because there will be some unusual initial discomfort, then yes, you are correct. But to say that your kids are going to hate you is very strong. It is a fear that you need to just leave at the kitchen table right now. Like just leave it here and don't ever go back to that thought. Your, your children are not going to hate you when you do good things for them. But I know it's a fearful thing and I know that we are driven by, by that pleasure, pain, balance in our brain as parents and we want them to be happy and we don't want the pain of what it's going to take to fix the problem that is in our home. So not only is that fact not true at all, but the opposite is true. Your kids are going to love life and they will love you even that much more. So today we have a moment fresh, fresh into her screen strong journey. And I say that because I know sometimes I bring guests on and we've been screen strong for 10 years and it's been great. But I love talking to moms who are sort of new within the last year of going down this path. And she's going to share some behind the scenes benefits of what it looks like in real life to be screen strong and what happens when you make these changes. Welcome. Lanessa.
- [05:19]
B
Hi. I'm very, very happy to be here.
- [05:22]
A
So happy to have you. Thank you so much for jumping in and just spending a few minutes with us today because this is going to be gold and for everybody listening. If your kids are really young, maybe you have toddlers, maybe you have a middle schooler, maybe you even have a high schooler. You're going to get so much out of this. And I am just so excited. Like I said a minute ago, when we can get moms who are just on the front line, like right now, we just love talking to you. So today we're going to talk about benefits of going screen strong. So what I want you to do first is just give us a little background. Just give me a little background. And give our audience a little background of where you were a year ago and where you are now. Sure.
- [06:04]
B
So my son was. He received an Xbox when he was 8, but we started on this journey when he was 9. We just started to see undesirable traits. And my husband and I, we aren't. We never gamed and we're not big screen people. And so it. We just started to see him go down a path that we didn't really like. His grades started to go down, and so we decided to. I had found you on another podcast with Tessa Stuckey. She's a therapist, and you're an rn, and I also am an rn. And so you spoke to my heart, my brain, and I felt like I just needed someone to give me permission that it's okay that my son does not game. And you gave me that permission that my son is going to be just fine with no gaming. And so we actually started it April 9, and I had gotten a new calendar for our summer, and I decided no summer camps. I am going to take all four children, which he's the oldest at nine. And then we had seven, five and three. And I decided I'm going to fill up this calendar every day with something, even if it's as simple as today. We are going to go find a honeysuckle and we are going to taste it. I planned out this entire summer, and I cannot tell you the benefits that we have had. And I'm so glad that I took pictures all along the way. So. So, because, you know, whenever you go back to school, the children, they're supposed to write about what they did this summer. And for some reason, on that first day of school, they forget everything that
- [07:57]
A
they did over the summer.
- [07:59]
B
So I took that last week of the summer and I printed all the pictures and I put them in an album and I gave it to them right before we went to school so that they could remember all of the beautiful family memories that we had from this summer.
- [08:14]
A
That is just Amazing. I'm just, like, not stunned, but I'm kind of stunned. I'm like, that is the coolest thing. And I remember when my boys were in, I don't know, third or fourth grade, a mom told me right when school was ending, so it was exactly this time of year. And she said, I don't know how you're going to do summer without video games. I just. I just can't even imagine. And she challenged me. I said, well, I can. I bet I can. And she challenged me to. To do something, you know, every day. I said, okay, well, I'm gonna. I'm gonna take a picture of what we're doing every day for the whole entire summer that doesn't involve, you know, video games. And we called it 30 minutes outside. And that's exactly what you just described. And so every day it was like, okay, what are we gonna do? That can be a thing, you know, that. That, like you said, just going out and smelling the honeysuckle. Honeysuckle. We would have picnics in the backyard. We do all these things. And I did take pictures, too. So we're gonna have to get together and share that with our audience. We're gonna have to. Sometimes people get, you know, we get stunned, and we don't know what to do because it seems really overwhelming. So let's start with your first benefit. I. I love that you came up with this list, because I have a list of lots of benefits. So I'm really curious how many benefits you have that are all the exact same ones that I have, too. So I'm just. I can't wait. So let's start with your first benefit that you. And then tell maybe a little bit more, actually, before we do that, just a little bit more about what happened and how, you know, that journey was becoming screenstrong. I mean, your child was playing video games, right? And you saw his grades were going down. So pick up there where you left off, right?
- [09:55]
B
So, of course, he wasn't happy at first about it. You know, the initial shock of we're not going to have this anymore is it did make him angry. And so the beginning of the summer, remember, we went to the park, and he was not happy. But when we started feeding the turtles and we started feeding the ducks, and things changed. You know, I think we just needed to get out of the house. And we did take a lot of your direction of changing things around the house. One of the benefits would be creativity, right? So I took some poster boards, and they were, like, on sale. So I Took the poster boards, bought them, and I bought a whole bunch of different type of markers. You know, the three thin ones, the thick ones. I didn't know what they like, so I just bought them all and I just put them on the counter. And of course, the kids come and they're like, what is this? And I was like, oh, it was on sale, you know, would you like one? And they're like, sure. And they just spent hours and hours just redrawing on these poster boards. And so that is something that I still do is if I haven't bought some poster boards in a while, or I'll keep poster boards, I'll just put them out. And the kids will be like, hey, can I have this? And I'm like, sure. And they start painting and drawing and doing their own things.
- [11:25]
A
That is so great, because what you're doing is thinking ahead and you're providing something that they're not necessarily going to ask for because they don't know what even to do or ask. But if you just put it in front of them, and we always have art stuff out all the time, it is such a great filler for the. For those little dips in that downtime when the panic kind of starts, you know, so. And it's like, so cool because just like you said, you don't have to do anything. They. They do it. You know, they do it.
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B
They do it all on their own, from their own brain.
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A
Yeah. It's just amazing how this happens. So what other creative things did you notice changing in your house?
- [12:08]
B
Okay, so another thing that we did is we went to the splash pad. And of course, the splash pad is generally for the younger kids, so it was for my two youngest girls. But we always have tons of balls in the car. That is one thing that you told me. Keep lots of different types of balls in the car. And so we had these little bitty. It was almost kind of like a hacky sack ball. Yeah. And so whenever we went to the splash pad, of course he wasn't happy because he's 9 years old and what am I doing at a splash pad? But he took these little balls and he started throwing them way up in the air at the very, very top of the splash pad. And then all of the older boys started coming around and they started doing it. So it's just finding out other things to do to fill their time. And I feel like that was, you know, a benefit of they were all playing at the splash pad. You know, we got to get out of the house again. And then usually we go to the beach. We live near Galveston, and so we go to Galveston every year. And I remember the year before, he had brought the Xbox to the beach.
- [13:20]
A
Oh, no.
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B
And it was like he wasn't even enjoying his time on the beach because he wanted to get back to his Xbox. And.
- [13:27]
A
Yes.
- [13:28]
B
So this year, we did not have the Xbox. And the boys took these buckets and all these different type of balls, golf balls and wiffle balls, and they came up with these yard games, and you. It was kind of like a carnival yard game. So they made tickets, and every adult got four tickets, and you could spend whatever you wanted on your ticket at each game, and they came up with these yard games. And you would take the plastic bat and you'd hit the ball through this hole and into this bucket. And, yeah, it was such a bonding experience for us. And, you know, my son got to see that I can actually throw a football. You know, it was just such good family time that we had. Oh, I will never forget that. I pray I never forget that moment. That was wonderful.
- [14:25]
A
It was so cool. And so back to what I was talking about the very beginning, this idea that he's going to hate you. Did that cross your mind, though, in the beginning when you had to take it away?
- [14:37]
B
Yes, of course it crossed my mind. I don't know that I would necessarily say hate, but resent me. Yes. Forever. And he'd be an adult. My mom never let me do that, you know, so it did go through my mind. But, like, as you said, if you're thinking of it as a coach, and I'm not necessarily supposed to be his friend and give him every desire he wants, but I'm supposed to be leading him into a better life, like a coach does.
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A
Yeah.
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B
My desire for him was not to play video games, you know, it was to have a strong family connection. And so I just stand strong with my goal. What was my goal that I wanted? In the end, his thoughts of me was easier to take on. You know, I wasn't going to get on his emotional roller coaster ride. I was going to stand strong with what I believe.
- [15:31]
A
Yeah, well, that is exactly what you have to do to make this work, for sure. Because you can only imagine if you were vacillating back and forth, you know, Xbox one day, no Xbox the next day. Like that. Like, he never would have done these other creative things. Right.
- [15:48]
B
And that's very confusing in a child's brain.
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A
Yeah, exactly. So, okay, so creativity, I totally agree. That's definitely one huge benefit and it sounds like you have a lot of different examples for that. What's another benefit that you saw?
- [16:01]
B
Well, the communication. Oh, my gosh, this kid could talk. I did not know that little boys talk so much. So one of the suggestions that you used was to put out those cards where they ask questions of the family. So I never want to make it like, hey, we're going to sit down and play this game. Because, of course, you know, teenage years there are. He's a tween. So. Yes.
- [16:26]
A
It doesn't want to force it. Yeah.
- [16:28]
B
Your idea. It has to be their idea. So I just put the cards on the table, and he's like, what's this? And I was like, oh, those are some cards that I found at the top of the cabinet. And he starts reading them, and we start asking each other questions, and we just started learning more and more about each other. And there is a lot more communication also going on with the four children. And dinner time is very chaotic and it is very loud.
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Yeah.
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With. And there are arguments. But I feel like if they're arguing and they're figuring out each other and they're figuring out boundaries now at a young age, I feel like that's really going to benefit them. Whenever they're older and they're in a conference room with other people they're working with and they're understanding, give and take and compromise and boundaries and effective ways of communication. I feel like it's starting now.
- [17:29]
A
You're exactly right. The communication is one of the biggest benefits of taking the entertainment screens away, because all of a sudden, there's time, and it's like, oh, well, I can talk to my mom. Or I noticed it a lot with my kids when they would come home from school, where most of our peers would come home from school and they would go straight to their video game, our kids would come home, and guess what? We didn't have video games. So they just started talking. They just started unpacking their whole day. And this happened with my daughter. It happened with the younger boys. And they just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. I heard all the tea. I got all the tea. From everything that was happening in school to the point where the moms would call me to find out what was going on, because they knew that I had just an earful every single day. And I noticed it a lot in the car when we were driving home from school in carpool, since they didn't have a screen, they just. They just talked all the time. I think this is one of the number one Things that parents initially say in the very beginning is just what you said. I'm so glad you said it a minute ago that you didn't know he could talk so, so much. And I hear mom after mom tell me, okay, well, he's sitting at the kitchen table telling me things that I never knew, never thought he would ever tell me. And it's because there's space now. There's, like white space in your margins of your life, and it's not being filled with the entertainment screen time. So this benefit of communication is going to serve him so well and of course, all your other children as well his siblings and for the rest of his life. And you're exactly right. What they're doing now, talking to each other at dinner table, even if it's not agreeing and fussing, that's all exactly what they need to be doing right now. So that's a huge benefit. And you do not get that when your kids are on a screen. I don't care how you slice it, you don't get that conversation. It just doesn't happen. Right. Okay, so what's the third benefit?
- [19:27]
B
So they're healthier. I did not realize that the testosterone decreases when you are gaming, and it actually increases whenever they are outside having physical activities. So my goal every day is to make sure that they are exhausted by dinner time. That is my goal every day to make sure that these boys stay healthy with their testosterone level.
- [19:53]
A
Yeah. And that is so true that that happens because of their muscles. Right. And when they're not using their muscles and they get real sedentary, that testosterone production goes down. So you're exactly right. Boys need to move. It regulates their moods, regulates their emotions. And there isn't there just nothing like the end of the day when your kids are exhausted? I love that. It's like, hey, we did it.
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B
We had a great day.
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A
Everybody's falling into the bed.
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B
Yes. They sleep better.
- [20:24]
A
Oh, and that is so important. And the other physical things that happen in, in our house is they obviously just got more exercise because they were outside a lot more and they ate better. I remember with my oldest, he ate a lot of junk food because when you're sitting at a video game, you don't have time to eat a meal, and your. Your blood sugar is like, like getting really low. And so you've got to eat candy and, you know, drink soda and have Doritos standing by all the time. And I noticed a lot of changes there, too, and that was a huge benefit. And what happened with the younger Kids, since they didn't have video games, they didn't get in that habit of eating that junk food all the time. They, they don't really crave it that much. You know, it seems to have set their brain up a little different and their likes. But I love that you mentioned the physical benefits and the thing with testosterone and really is in girls too, they have to use their muscles in order for their muscles to develop properly. And I love what you said about sleep. You know, teenagers are supposed to get nine hours and 15 minutes of sleep a night. I don't know if you know that, but that became. I became the sleep police after I retired from being the gamecop mom.
- [21:45]
B
So I noticed that if my children sleep well, then they do better at school. So behaviorally, you know, so.
- [21:53]
A
Yeah. Yes. So many things they're finding now about sleep, they're causing all these emotional problems and it is really tied to their behavior. So many things. In our parent course, we talk about sleep, some in there and you get a lot more information there. Okay, well tell me, okay, what's the next one? What's your next benefit?
- [22:13]
B
So I find that the emotional intelligence has actually increased in my, especially my first child. But of course, all of them, I felt like whenever he would come home and he would have a bad day and he would game, I felt like that was sort of him numbing out. You know, whenever they were mad or sad or bored or they were tired, instead of actually sitting there with the feeling and figuring out how to work through it, they would just get on their game and they would numb out. And actually a very true story, he had a bad day at school last year and he was very angry when he came home. And instead of letting him turn on the TV or turn on the game, I taught him, you're going to go in the backfield and you're going to scream as loud as you can and you're going to see if that's going to make you feel better. And if it's not, we're going to cross that off the list and we're going to work through all of the healthy ways of coping with these different feelings. That way when you feel the feeling, you know how to make yourself feel better. So I found that it has increased his emotional intelligence.
- [23:29]
A
Wow, that is so fascinating. What, what you mentioned about numbing out. That is exactly what's happening. And the science behind that is the intense pounding of that amygdala in their brain. That fight flight system is being triggered. The amygdala is being activated over and over and over. And then eventually what happens in probably not that long of a period of time, the amygdala starts to break down a little bit and it starts to not work. And that's where this escapism comes in and that numbing out and they get numb because they just can't really feel. And that's what the game does, and it keeps them going. The dopamine is super high. You've got the thing in your brain that, that is triggered when, you know, emotions are happening and that's kind of numbing out. If you can picture the amygdala just sitting in a big lazy boy chair. Like, it's, it's. It worked really hard and now it's tired and it's kind of, you know, not giving the brain the cues that it needs. And so that's why these games work so well. But we know, and you know, as a nurse and I know as a nurse that you will have to deal with these issues and these emotions and these feelings at some point. And so when it gets all bottled up, that doesn't help anybody. I love that you came up with that replacement screaming activity. I have heard parents and, and I, I haven't gotten. Well, we had one and then we don't have it anymore. But I've heard parents get a punching bag, you know, a real punching bag, where their kids go out in the garage and they can punch and they can kind of get their energy out.
- [25:12]
B
Let me write that down.
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A
So you might want to write that down. Yeah, they're not that expensive. And you can get them hanging, you know, you can hang it from a beam, of course, somehow in your garage or you can get the stand that holds it. But I've heard from a lot of parents that that works really well. And I just, I love that idea, you know, the punching gloves and it just gets them all sweaty and it's a really good workout and it's really good to go do that when you're learning how to control your emotions. And we know from brain development that that area of their brain is not engaged yet. It is not fully connected yet. They're learning how to regulate their emotions. Going on to a video game doesn't help them regulate their emotions. Even though you feel like it does, it just numbs it. So it's like pay now or pay later. Because he's going to have to learn how to regulate his emotions. And in the video games are just bringing him back in time. Like it's not helping him Develop that. So I love that you said this thing about emotional intelligence. This is more important than academic intelligence.
- [26:15]
B
Absolutely. I think we're really starting to see that now here lately.
- [26:20]
A
Yes. This is why we need to be so concerned about developing this part of our kids brains. And we have this in our course. We have more on it in our student course. We're addressing this in our student course as well because we want children to understand that the emotional intelligence and that's just the ability to deal with your surroundings and all the people and the relationships and the ebbs and the flows and ups and downs of just a daily life. It's so important to do that. And I feel like the screenshot are not allowing our kids to develop that very well. And you nailed it when you said that he was numbing out on the game.
- [26:54]
B
That's right.
- [26:55]
A
You know, there is definitely some, you know, adjustments that you have to make. Right. And it sounds like you did. It sounds like. Okay, well if you're really upset, let's not get on a video game. Let's go outside and scream. Love that.
- [27:07]
B
There we go.
- [27:07]
A
I love that you're being a good coach, Ryan. Yeah, no, you are. And it's working really well. So. Okay, what's your, you have two more. What's the next one?
- [27:18]
B
Okay. Family connection. Our family connection has definitely increased. And I wanted it to, you had said, you know, instead of the games, we are going to replace with family that you can solve a lot of your issues by having better, stronger family connections. So I really wanted to up that big time. So, you know, some of the things we did buy and I just told my husband, I said, look, we're going to put an investment into our family and instead of paying for therapy in the future, we are going to pay for all the things. Yeah. So we bought the bond, we bought the bonfire, we do the fire pit. The fire pit, right. We bake cookies, we've gone bowling, skating. Tv we will watch as a family here and there. And I did want to point out that yes, TV is a screen, but it is not as harmful because it's a pain, a passive screen, meaning you don't interact with the tv. And so it's not as bad with the dopamine levels, but so we, we will watch movies as a family. And what we have started every night that I really love is with my two older boys. So now they are 10 and 8, I do read alouds and so I grab a book and they come snuggle up next to me and I read for 20 minutes every night. And this has been so good. Not just for them, because there's benefits with you reading to them.
- [28:59]
A
Yes.
- [29:00]
B
Just as much as there is them reading by themselves. And sometimes they do have to read by themselves if I'm busy with the girls. But I try to make it every single night. But it's so good for me. I feel like it's a way that I can connect with my boys that are getting older. They're not, you know, babies anymore. And they're touching me, I'm touching them. And we're enjoying a good book together. And when big words come up, we explain what it means. And that has been a huge blessing in my life. Are those read aloud books. And I feel like. I feel like it's really changed because every time that I would talk to him, it would be, it's time to get off the game. It's time to come to dinner. And I felt like it was kind of like Pavlov's dog, where every time that he would hear my voice, he would associate that with being angry because he has to stop doing what he loves. And I didn't want him to have a negative emotion associated with my voice.
- [30:00]
A
Wow.
- [30:01]
B
And so now whenever I'm going outside, because they're on the trampoline and I'm like, dinner time. They're excited and they're hungry and they're exhausted.
- [30:09]
A
Yeah.
- [30:10]
B
So it's not a negative emotion anymore.
- [30:14]
A
That's an incredible insight. And I know we've touched on that before on a podcast with Eric Goldfield, but he also talks about that. That exact scenario that you just described, that when mom is always the mean person telling me to get off my screen, I'm associating that with her voice. And I love that you figured out that the read alouds are helping fix that whole thing and reverse all that. The 20 minutes is perfect. The routine of it is perfect. The fact that. That you are doing it every single day is, like, amazing. That's gonna just cement in their brain and they're going to remember that the rest of their life. This is something that you. This is. I can't even explain how powerful this is because it's it. Just because they're 8 and 10 doesn't mean that they don't need that from you anymore. And I think we think our kids are getting too old. They don't need that kind of time together. And they do. And I love that you touched on the fact that they are getting touched because, girls, it's a little easier Traditionally, to do all the hugging and picking up and all that. With boys, it can be a little harder. So this is like a natural time for you to squeeze their shoulders and hug them and be close. And they don't need it for hours and hours a day. 20 minutes is awesome. And anybody can do that. Right.
- [31:42]
B
I mean, I just didn't know that I needed that. I honestly did not know how much I needed that, but I needed that for myself as well.
- [31:49]
A
Yeah. Yeah. And because it's making you feel better, your dopamine is going up, right? All that gets transferred, translated into your whole family. And as your kids get older, as your boys get older, that time, I mean, it may. It may not always continue to be real loud, but I know families that have high school kids that still do read aloud, so it doesn't have to go away or it can shift and morph into still that same time. But you're doing something else with them.
- [32:15]
B
Right?
- [32:16]
A
And I love the. The thing you brought up about tv. Let me just say something about tv. There are a lot of negative things, of course, with just staring at TV for eight hours a day, that wouldn't be a good thing because they're not using all their senses. However, you're right, TV is. It's a lot better than a video game because, for one, you can do it together. Video games, not gonna lie, okay? People will tell you, oh, they're. They're socializing together. No, they're not. It's like sandbox play most of the time. It's not the same as enjoying an event together. But the other thing about TV is there are stopping points. With highly addictive screens, there are no stopping points. It's a bottomless pit of dopamine with video games and with social media. But with tv, you have natural stopping points. You have. The ball game is over, the movie's over, the show is over, and you have a transition time to turn it off. The other thing that I would also throw in here is to think about getting some DVD series. Getting some series. Like, even, like, we still, believe it or not, we still love Little House on the Prairie so much. My kids, when they were little, they watched. We had the whole DVD set. So what we literally could do is put a DVD in and then it was over. And we didn't have to watch commercials and we didn't have to, like, let it keep going, if you know what I mean. So that is a good tip there. But enjoying good media and shows and movies as a family is a fabulous bonding activity. And I'll just reiterate again, I love what you just said about gauging your purchases, you know, for your budget. As far as, are we going to buy a trampoline or are we going to be in therapy? And I think we'd rather have a trampoline.
- [34:01]
B
Oh, Melanie, we have all the things we have.
- [34:04]
A
I know.
- [34:04]
B
Last night we were playing foosball together. Me and the oldest were having a foosball tournament.
- [34:09]
A
Yeah.
- [34:10]
B
We have air hockey. I mean, we just have all the things.
- [34:14]
A
Well, and you have four kids, so that's a wonderful investment. And I will say as after we went through all the pain we went through with our old oldest and did all that the wrong way with the youngest, I had that exact same feeling. They would be talking or I would see something, and I'm like, you know what? A normal therapy session costs, like, 150. So if it's under 150, we're good.
- [34:37]
B
Right. And all the little boys come over here from the neighborhood on Saturdays. That's their day for. For friends. And so they have plenty of things
- [34:48]
A
to do, things to do to like. Yeah. That is so great. And let me just say, your family connection benefit is so powerful. That will. That will last forever. That will continue. You are building a foundation that will only get better. And the other cool thing about it is when you have a really fun house and a fun family connection and you're out there doing things and dad's out there, other kids will pick up on that, and they will love to be at your house.
- [35:19]
B
They love to be here. They really do. One of James's best friends, he told his mom, she is the coolest mom
- [35:31]
A
I know. And your kids don't hate you. I know that word is strong, but this is what I'm so excited we get to do today, to just share this little glimpse into your life. Because it's not just me. I'm not the only parent that's figured this out. I'm so glad that you figured out. Figured it out. And as your kids get older, I will tell you, it gets better and better and better. And when their friends come over, of course their friends are getting older, and you can sit at the kitchen table and have wonderful conversations with their friends, too. And this has been sort of a invisible benefit that I didn't see was happening right away. But now that so many of their friends are, you know, finishing high school and they're going to college, like, we are so bonded with their friends, too. And of course we are with our kids. In a whole different way. But that is a benefit that you're going to see. And that also is a benefit for your sons. Right, right. For you to know their friends and for them to like coming over to your house. So the family connection thing, I'm sure we could go on and on forever on that. That's such a good benefit. So what's the. What's the last.
- [36:36]
B
The sixth and final one would be that I am giving them such a rich childhood where they're going to have so many beautiful memories. The tasting, honeysuckles and, you know, just even going to the park, you can look up free things to do with your family. And we would spend a lot of the time just going to different parks and we saw some lily pads and I wanted to show them what happens when you put a little drop of water on a lily pad and you swirl it around, how it doesn't absorb, how it runs around. And they were so fascinated with that. And just all the little things that, that you don't think of, they're going to remember forever and they're going to have lots of beautiful memories around that. And you would think, okay, not having a video game, my kid is going to be bored. And I will tell you this. I hear. I heard I'm bored more when they were playing video games than I do now. I feel like they know how to fill their time better. And I just don't hear I'm bored as often as I used to. And whenever I do hear I'm bored, I tell them, well, you can say thank you to your brain because it is very good for your brain to be bored.
- [37:55]
A
Yeah, that's exactly right.
- [37:58]
B
Exactly what I say every single time that they say it. But they really don't say it that often. They usually find other things to do.
- [38:05]
A
You just hit a really important point, and that is when your kids are gamers and they get, you know, you take the game away for the afternoon and they're bored, that is a sign that they have a problem. That is a sign that they are obsessed and overusing and even addicted. Because they shouldn't be bored offline. Right? They should be able to find just as much joy in the real world as they did in their very video game world. But see, for most games, that's not true. In fact, it hasn't been true for a long time. Back when we were playing Pac man, maybe you could play Pac man or you could go run out in the backyard and you would have just as much fun either way. But that's not true anymore. And so this constant boredom is painful for parents because they, they don't want to hear that. And I just love that you said that. You hear it so much less. I'm raising my hand over here 100%. I agree. We are never bored over here. I mean, the idea of being bored is so not anywhere on our horizon. And even when the pandemic had. And everybody had to adjust, you know, all a lot of my people that I were meeting in workshops, they're like, oh, my gosh, what am I going to do? My kids are going to be so bored. And my kids were like heaven on earth. They're like, this is the best thing that ever happened. They had all the things that they love to do, and they just kept doing those things.
- [39:36]
B
Right.
- [39:37]
A
You're training your kids now to get that dopamine in the right natural amount and that baseline amount that they're going to need to get the rest of their life. They do not need that high level of dopamine because if they do constantly get that high level of dopamine, nothing is going to be fun anymore.
- [39:55]
B
Nothing is fun anymore. That is the truth. I mean, whenever we were gaming, it was even whenever it was down to just the weekends, it was, I can't wait till the weekend, you know, and nothing could please him or reward him the way that the video game. And like, just, just yesterday we had a flood over here in Houston and he took his skim board out next to the pond and was skimming around the pond. And I mean, he just finds like the. The coolest things, you know, and he's just going to remember that forever. What a rich childhood I'm giving him.
- [40:31]
A
And you're giving him an incredible jump start and benefit and edge up and leg up on the rest of his life when he goes to get a job. Meaning he's going to be able to troubleshoot, he's going to be able to organize things and not get stuck in that rut of having that, you know, dopamine blast to the point the rest of your brain doesn't work. And so let's, let's end. I know we gotta wrap up. This has gone by so fast. This is so fun. And I can't wait to touch back with you again and hear all the other fun things that y' all are doing. But can you, for the parents that are listening, I know there's some parents out there that are just, like, getting discouraged because they're like, they're what y' all are describing May be fine for your house, but there is no way that's gonna happen in my house. And they're the, the parents who, they're just not quite there yet. And they, they're thinking, can't we do both? What would you say if a mom was sitting there with you having some coffee at your kitchen table and said, I get all this, but can't my son, can't he just play a little bit? Can he just be on his video game a little bit? What would you say right now, knowing what you know?
- [41:43]
B
Well, according to all of the science, the dopamine, you can't match anything else with the dopamine hit that they're getting. And it's not just that dopamine hit that they're getting on the video games. But then their crash after the video games, then you're going to have a depressed child. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. And I would just say, you know, we're going into the summer and you know, we can give you all the science and we can give you our personal stories and there's thousands of others mothers out there who have these beautiful stories as well. But I think that you should just take the challenge. Just take the video games and put it all in a box and bring it to your husband's work or put it up in the attic or somewhere where they can't reach it and just take that 30 days. Fill the 30 days with things that can bond your family and can bond the friends together. And just take the challenge and I promise you, you will start to see these things in your child also. And that 30 days, I've never known a single family to go. Yep, that wasn't for me. Let me give the video games back. Every single parent who has taken challenge has noticed so many beautiful things. There's just so many invisible things that you're not going to know until you take this challenge.
- [43:15]
A
Wow, that is so powerful. I'm just, I'm always get really teary eyed at the end of these things because you can't.
- [43:24]
B
I have to thank you because you're the one who gave me permission that it's okay for us not to do this.
- [43:30]
A
Yeah. Well, you are so welcome. And we both now are giving everyone listening permission.
- [43:39]
B
Right. Here's your permission.
- [43:41]
A
Yeah. And you have it in fact today make a decision today to try it. I mean, just try it. Just 30 days. And we have the 30 day challenge. We have all the instructions for how to do that. We have it when you get our course. But if you need more help with that, you can go into the Connect group on our website. That's a free form that we have. That's not social media. And you can get in there and talk to other parents. And of course we have our Facebook group too, where we are trying to help parents in there as well. But you just really said it beautifully. Thank you so much for sharing your story. That was so encouraging and I just can't thank you enough for sharing today.
- [44:22]
B
You are very welcome.
- [44:23]
A
If you have any questions for Anessa or for me, please email team@screenstrong.com and we would love to answer your questions. And remember guys, it does take 30 days. Just try it for 30 days and then do another 30 days after that. And then you keep going and you will never look back. And I promise that this fear of your kids not liking you will vanish. It will just evaporate. It will just go away. It is not. Oh my goodness, it is not real. It's just not real. And everything gets, gets filled. Your life just gets filled with so many other things right now. So thank you all for listening. Don't forget to join our Connect group on our site. And so what's your homework? Your homework is to maybe listen to this podcast again and get your gumption up and get your courage up to do the 30 day detox. And I agree that you need to take that video game and box it up and it has to get out of your house. Like you have to remove it totally from your house. And if your kids don't have phones, just, just put that on pause right now. And if they have a phone, you can actually collect that up for a month and let them know that you're going to be spending more time with them. And they will really secretly like that. Even if they're teenagers, they still want you to spend time with them and to care about them to do these hard things. Don't forget also to subscribe on our website because who knows, one day Facebook may go away. I don't know what's happening over there. So we don't want to lose you. We want to have your email. Remember, we've got your back and we are here to help you figure it all out. So until next time, stand up for your kids. Stand out from the crowd and stay strong.