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- [00:02]
A
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- [00:51]
B
Audible.Com wondery that's audible.com wondery hey, what's up, dude?
- [01:21]
A
Later. I'm good, I'm good. I'm going to grab a ice coffee here. I can get you one if you need. Okay. Please. Yeah, you got it.
- [01:31]
B
How's things, man?
- [01:32]
A
Okay. How are you?
- [01:34]
B
I'm pretty good. How about you? Good.
- [01:37]
A
Do you have a kid?
- [01:39]
B
I do.
- [01:39]
A
You do?
- [01:40]
B
That's why I perpetually look and sound this time.
- [01:43]
A
That was. Must have been part of where. What spurred that question.
- [01:50]
B
No, I have, I definitely have the vibe of someone with. With a kid right now. Yeah.
- [01:54]
A
Yeah. How old?
- [01:55]
B
He just turned 6.
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A
Oh, good age. Fun age. I mean in the sense of. Yes. Starting to get a little more independent. You can let him do things a little bit more than let me turn this on silent.
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B
Yeah. And we live in a. We live in a very sleepy neighborhood that's like almost rural, like almost. Not even suburban.
- [02:16]
A
Where are you?
- [02:17]
B
I'm in Jersey, but pretty deep out there.
- [02:19]
A
Right.
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B
And he. There's other. Three other members of his kindergarten class live in our neighborhood and.
- [02:27]
A
Yeah.
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B
Can like go walk down the block to his friend Killian's house and.
- [02:30]
A
Yeah.
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B
Let him go and try.
- [02:33]
A
Yeah. That's great. That's really great.
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B
It's nice.
- [02:35]
A
Thank you very much.
- [02:37]
B
How are you? What's the name?
- [02:39]
A
You know, good. Getting busy again.
- [02:47]
B
You never hear that.
- [02:48]
A
I know. Well, in this. That's a good sign in this day and age. I was on tour for, for quite a while and then that kind of slowed down a bit and I've got some more shows next week leading into a taping and then only a handful of shows after that. But then I'm working on these immediately. Jumping into these two other movies, indie movies that are shooting around here.
- [03:14]
B
Oh, all on the east coast too.
- [03:16]
A
Yeah. One is Upper west side and the other is Catskills. Yeah. But though really interesting and challenging thing I suppose will be they're both completely different movies and I'm ooh, you all right?
- [03:31]
B
Yeah.
- [03:34]
A
End up shooting one of them in between weeks of another one. So I go from this crazy guy with you know, self inflicted scars all over his body, he's like kind of a loose cannon to like a fun dad.
- [03:52]
B
Yeah.
- [03:52]
A
Up, you know, Upper west side dad. And then back into, and then back into the crazy.
- [03:56]
B
Yeah, that's up. That'll be a weird summer for you.
- [04:00]
A
Yeah. And then, and then I got a bunch of time off spend with my kid which I try to do.
- [04:05]
B
How old's your kid?
- [04:07]
A
She's eight. And yeah. Pretty much from six on like. Well, it's. I guess it's different you, you know what we did. Oh, let me finish my thought. You can start leaving them by themselves for longer periods of time. Yeah. Not in a plunk em in front of the TV way, but in a plop them in front of the TV way. You know there's a different way in which you sit them down, makes all the difference.
- [04:38]
B
They can pick their own tv. He doesn't even confer with us about what he's watching anymore.
- [04:42]
A
Yeah, yeah. What is, what is he into?
- [04:46]
B
A lot of it now. He's finding a lot of actually like very cool animation that's probably for kids about 4 or 5 years older than.
- [04:55]
A
Him, but that's cool. Like what?
- [04:58]
B
Guillermo del Toro actually had this really epic fantasy animated series.
- [05:03]
A
Oh, okay.
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B
It's like three seasons in a movie, all like crazy dragons and shit. And my wife and I would watch it and we were like, this is.
- [05:12]
A
Like meaning it was like the subject matter was mature or stuff would go over his head.
- [05:18]
B
Meaning that like the storytelling was like, hey, we're going on a big quest. We've got to get this crystal. We're going to kill these dragons. But like he went so quickly from like here's like cocomelon exactly to like all of a sudden like epic fantasy quests where you're like this feels way over your head. But he's into it and I kind of like it. I like that he finds good shit.
- [05:41]
A
Yeah, I've been turned on to a lot of cool stuff. Like there's, there's really trippy crazy absurdist stuff out there. There's couple Korean studios that are doing some crazy stuff. Have you seen Mr. Brown?
- [06:01]
B
I haven't seen Mr. Brown.
- [06:02]
A
Have you seen Mr. Bread I think it is, or Bread, the Barber. He's. It's a slice of bread. That's a barber. And there's. I'm not gonna know the names of these, but there's like. And they're roughly seven minutes long a piece maybe. And there's Karate Sheep, which I think is. Has no dialogue and is. I think it's out of a studio out of Montreal or Quebec or something. And. But crazy slapstick, absurdist, you know, kind of jokes for adults and stuff that kids will definitely like. And there's a ton of them and they're really cool.
- [06:45]
B
That's cool. He just got into another one called Dragon Prince, which is another one that we were like, oh, like there's people legit dying and stuff that I feel like 6 months ago would have brought him instantly to tears where he would have been like, people die.
- [07:01]
A
But now he's been on the Internet, he's hardened, he's jaded.
- [07:04]
B
He went on YouTube twice and now he's all fucked up in the head. He's all fucked up and violent.
- [07:09]
A
There you go. Gotta. The next thing you should watch is adolescence. Sit down, watch it with him, force him, tie him up.
- [07:17]
B
It is one. It is like I go back and forth where I'm like, sometimes I'm like, he should probably be watching stuff for six year olds. Then I also keep an eye on this stuff and I'm like, I don't mind if my kid has a sense of like, oh, this story is more well written than other stuff. So I'm gravitating towards that.
- [07:35]
A
I felt the same way. I felt. I've had that trepidation of like, that moment of like, I don't know if this is right but you know, she seems fine and not demonstrating any, you know, bad behavior because of it. And. And I do have a feeling of like, this is kind of mature storytelling, you know, and kind of cool. And. And this is not to say she doesn't have her share of, you know, Sparkle Ponytown and. And. And there's like this thing she's watching. It looks like it was made in the 80s, I'm going to guess, or early 90s, but it's Australian called. What is it? It's has something to do with H2O or something like that. It's about mermaids. Three teenage girls who are secretly mermaids. It'd be a different show if they weren't secretly mermaids. Be a much different show. Yeah, but they're secretly mermaids and their one male friend who knows the secret and then they, you know, they're dealing with their high school shit. And they're also saving Australia. Constantly. Constantly saving the bay.
- [08:51]
B
The secrets thing. My. My son, he's. He just lost his fourth tooth.
- [08:57]
A
Uh huh.
- [08:57]
B
Which is so weird.
- [08:59]
A
Now here's a question.
- [09:00]
B
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- [09:02]
A
And I'm sure you and your wife discussed it at length. How much does the tooth fairy leave?
- [09:08]
B
We give $2 a tooth.
- [09:10]
A
Okay.
- [09:11]
B
Which for me I remember getting like a quarter or 60 cents. Quarter inflation. Two bucks. I think there's other kids in his.
- [09:18]
A
Class getting out and Cost of living.
- [09:19]
B
Yeah. All sorts. I mean the price of eggs, that's all you hear about. I think there's other kids getting the solid five bucks a tooth. But I can't. I can't.
- [09:28]
A
Yeah. So we up and gave her five for the first tooth. We were so excited. It was a long, long time coming and it was a big deal. And she cried when it came out. Even though she. It wasn't a pain cry. I think it was like this emotional thing because. And it was a. A solid physical marking of I'm getting older kind of feeling too. And. And we gave her $5 and said the tooth fairy always gives or. Or only will give $5 for the first tooth. That's the most important tooth. And then it goes down to a dollar. But she's a smart kid and she's a little too focused on money and just had all these questions constantly. What about? Can she learned about the difference. K9. Aren't canines more valuable? I cuz Lana said that K9's cuz Aki got $20 for hit. You know, just.
- [10:42]
B
Yeah.
- [10:43]
A
All that we had to deal with my guy.
- [10:46]
B
We've always had a policy of we're not going to lie to him if he asks us direct questions. Like I think that's just a very basic.
- [10:53]
A
Good luck with that. The best of luck.
- [10:55]
B
I know.
- [10:56]
A
And you've not broken that.
- [10:57]
B
Well, just the other day when his fourth tooth came out, he came to us right after it came out and he was like guys, is the tooth fairy real?
- [11:07]
A
Oh wow.
- [11:07]
B
Yeah. And my wife and I sort of made eye contact and he's like, all the boys in my class are saying the tooth fairy's not real. The girls still really believe in magic, but the boys are saying tooth fairy's not real. So is the tooth fairy real? And my wife handled it really well and she just was like calm. We're not gonna lie to you. So really think about if you want to ask the question first. Like if you want the answer Just be really sad smart about the question if you want to ask it. And he, like, took that in, thought about. He's like, I want to know, is the tooth fairy real? And we were like, no. Like, no, tooth fairy. Come on.
- [11:42]
A
No, Idiot. Are you kidding me?
- [11:44]
B
Pull your head out of the sand, man. Do your own research. But we told him. But he. It's really sweet.
- [11:52]
A
Jesus, this guy over here.
- [11:53]
B
I know. I know this guy. You just. By anything the mainstream media tells you, no, there's no tooth fairy. But it was also super sweet because then he's still little enough that he was like, can you still. Can you still put my $2 under my pillow? Like, he's great. He still wants the experience.
- [12:12]
A
And he could not have had a better outcome in that situation.
- [12:15]
B
He did ask about the Easter Bunny. He hasn't had the.
- [12:19]
A
Santa.
- [12:20]
B
Hasn't had the balls to ask about Santa.
- [12:22]
A
He knows.
- [12:22]
B
He knows.
- [12:23]
A
He knows. He's not going to ask that.
- [12:24]
B
That's why it was so. I thought my wife was so smart to be getting the truth, so.
- [12:29]
A
Oh, that's. Really.
- [12:30]
B
Think about when it's time to ask. That was definitely a. Like. Yep. You're going to learn about all this stuff, but if you. It's up to you. When you shatter the joy of Santa, it's on you, man, not on us. Now you know how this works.
- [12:44]
A
That's great. That's really great. And hopefully you'll grow up to appreciate that and not, you know.
- [12:50]
B
Yeah.
- [12:52]
A
Not take out a school of kids when he's older.
- [12:55]
B
I mean, I think about it all the time. I think about it all the time.
- [12:58]
A
With you and your wife's names on the bullets.
- [13:00]
B
Oh, geez. I mean, if.
- [13:02]
A
You never know.
- [13:03]
B
Listen, if I got through my schooling. He's not gonna say something so fucked up. If both me and my brother got through our schooling experiences without. Without going down that road, he'll be fine. He's gonna have it easier than we did, certainly.
- [13:15]
A
So there you go.
- [13:16]
B
He should be okay. He should be all right.
- [13:19]
A
Are you close with your brother?
- [13:21]
B
Yeah, he's. He's two and a half years older than me.
- [13:24]
A
Does he have kids?
- [13:25]
B
He has a son who's 17 days younger than my son.
- [13:28]
A
Oh, that's got to be convenient.
- [13:29]
B
And it was wild because my brother adopted his kid and was. It was on the.
- [13:35]
A
And that process must have been a. What takes forever. Yeah.
- [13:37]
B
He was on this list for years.
- [13:39]
A
Yeah.
- [13:40]
B
So my grand. My. My. My parents went from being like, hey.
- [13:43]
A
Wait, so he's on this list? For years.
- [13:45]
B
My son's born.
- [13:46]
A
So when he got the kid, the kid was already 14 years old.
- [13:51]
B
Yeah, it was. It's weird how they do it.
- [13:53]
A
Started as a.
- [13:53]
B
It's weird how they do it.
- [13:54]
A
A pod.
- [13:55]
B
They raised the kid in this sort of sci fi, like, environment, this dystopian. And they're open about it. They're like, it would be sci fi.
- [14:03]
A
I mean, it would be fiction. It would be reality.
- [14:06]
B
They call it Psyri Psi Non Phi psyre. Yes. Science reality.
- [14:10]
A
Okay.
- [14:10]
B
But they're really open about it. We raise these kids in this dystopian chamber. Everything's very sanitized. Everything's very cold emotionally. And we're just making.
- [14:20]
A
Sounds like YouTube utopia to me.
- [14:22]
B
We give it a. A decade plus before we release the kid to your care.
- [14:26]
A
Okay.
- [14:27]
B
No, but he. Yeah, it was wild.
- [14:28]
A
He.
- [14:29]
B
My son was born and my brother was like, awesome. I get to be an uncle. And then two weeks later he gets a call, get to this hospital right now. Yeah. And my. My brother and I spent our. Get to this.
- [14:40]
A
Get to this hospital. There's a kid.
- [14:41]
B
There's a kid. And then when I tell you that's like, not that much of an exaggeration. It was like, can you get to this hospital?
- [14:48]
A
He's waiting for you.
- [14:50]
B
For real.
- [14:51]
A
It was life support.
- [14:53]
B
I can't even stress how close to the reality that was. But it's also nice because my son and his cousin are like best friends instinctively.
- [15:01]
A
That's great.
- [15:01]
B
It's awesome. Especially because me and my brother spent.
- [15:04]
A
Y' all live near nearby.
- [15:06]
B
I'm in Jersey, my brother's in Philly, so we get to see each other on a pretty regular basis. But my brother and I spent our whole childhood just like punching each other in the fucking face. Like legit. Physically brawling up until our mid-20s. Our last fight, I was in my 20s, fist fighting my own older brother. I was in college. We were at an apartment. I lived in my sophomore year of College. I was 21 years old.
- [15:31]
A
What was the fight about?
- [15:33]
B
That one was. He was. He had come down. I went to Rutgers, which is the state school, so he would. He had tons of friends from high school, went there, so he'd come and crash with me, go visit his friends. It was one day I had to leave for work and he had parked his car behind mine. It was like 7:30 in the morning. I think I was working at that point at a supermarket deli counter. So I'm already like, not thrilled to be going to do this and being awake this early as a college kid get there, I'm like, mom, I brought. You didn't leave his keys on the table. I got to wake him up on the couch. Hey, man, where's your keys? And he's like, fuck off. You know, like, you got to get up, Move the car off. And I'm like, then just give me the keys of blah, blah, blah. And he finally popped off and was like, stop riding my ass. He was in boxer shorts, and I'm in a full A and P supermarket uniform, and we're just brawling.
- [16:21]
A
That's an erotic dream.
- [16:22]
B
It was really wild. And I'll never forget to He. I mean, he was older than me, but I managed. He usually got the upper hand. And my brother's, like, even nerdier than I am. But one of these guys that was just born with a right cross, like, he has a punch, you know, Sometimes it's like they say throwing a baseball, throwing a punch, you're born with it. He had a certain punch that if he hit it, it was like knockout blow. It was crazy. So our fights would always be quick, and they'd be like, these. I was always kind of the more angry one. But then he'd get the upper hand. I'd be like, done. But I had. Man, I'll never forget our last fight. I managed to pin him up against a wall, and I was like, chill out. And he's like, let me go. And I was like, you got to chill out first. You're still hot. I was like, I'm cool. Are you cool? He's like, let me go. And he wouldn't say, I'm cool. I was like, I need you to say you're cool first. He's like, all right, I'm cool. Let me go. We're good. And I let go, and he instantly punched me in the jaw so hard that I went down.
- [17:20]
A
Wow.
- [17:20]
B
And that was our very last fight, but I was 21, and he was probably pushing 24 years old. Like, that's how old we were when we were still brawling, like.
- [17:29]
A
But guess what? At the end of the day, who's in the amp uniform and who's in his fucking underwear?
- [17:36]
B
To be fair, he also works at that amp. Just was not scheduled for that morning shift. He did have a uniform. I couldn't.
- [17:43]
A
Did you ever fuck with him? Like, leave stuff for him to do at the deli counter?
- [17:47]
B
We had fun. We got. So me, him, and then probably four or five of our friends.
- [17:54]
A
Also A and P. Is that it's?
- [17:56]
B
Not around anymore.
- [17:57]
A
It's not around now.
- [17:59]
B
It was, it was, it was a good time. We, we were punk rock kids. And there were these two punk houses that all my friends lived in. These two houses, state school punk houses. Like, if you know that culture, you know what I'm talking about. Like, no one ever fucking cleans. Really fun. We all got jobs. This A and P opened in South Plainfield, New Jersey, when I was halfway through college. And we quickly realized, like, you should just get a job if a supermarket's opening. Like, if you don't, you got to really mess up your background check. Yeah, you got to really.
- [18:30]
A
You can take stuff. It was easy to take stuff back.
- [18:34]
B
It was the best.
- [18:35]
A
I remember you're feeding your whole house.
- [18:39]
B
You know, I remember I was in the deli. Not a great, not a great choice.
- [18:42]
A
Sometimes, you know, it's like a five gallon can of chopped clams.
- [18:47]
B
I remember taking like the last quarter of a full salami and going and standing in the upright freezer and just leaving it open a crack so I didn't freeze to death and just eating the salami because I was so. I was like a depraved college kid and being like, oh, this is rad. I don't have to pay for dinner tonight.
- [19:04]
A
That's not depraved.
- [19:05]
B
Chris, Eat, eat Salami like an apple. Just like, yeah. But we used to get on my, on the, the intercom system, and my brother was the ringleader on this, to give him credit. And he would just get on there and be like, you know, can I get a price check on a child? Smile. Not everybody. That's priceless, you know, and like, and you see everybody looking up and then my other friends in the different departments would all hear it and take it as a challenge, right? Start seeing who can say the craziest shit over the intercom. And that's great. My best one that I remember was Decepticon attack in aisle three. And then moments later, Autobots to aisle three, please. And after maybe three or four days of us all trying to sneak this, the general manager gathered literally every worker on that ship from every department and was like, hey, I can't figure out who's doing this. I have my suspicions, but since I can't figure out, I just want you to know we have people who want jobs. It's like, easy to get more people through the door. And if anybody fucks around with the intercom on this shift, the entire shift is getting fired. And everyone just turned and looked at us and we were like, okay, okay, message received. But that was.
- [20:21]
A
Oh, man, you had fun straight the numbers. He gave you the opening to keep fucking around and have everybody leave, you think?
- [20:29]
B
But there would have been like 40. He couldn't have fired everybody, North Jersey people that would have just beat the shit out of us in the parking lot. None of us were in the union yet.
- [20:39]
A
He was going to fire people. Understood.
- [20:41]
B
He's like, I'll fire every cashier. I'll fire everybody who's in the back.
- [20:45]
A
And it's just you and your brother and a couple friends like me and my entirety of the story.
- [20:50]
B
Me and my brother and our friend Jan having a little too much fun on the radio. And now these people, this single mom can't feed her two kids because we're fudgeing around talking about Transformers on the intercom. But those were also. Those were some of the best times.
- [21:05]
A
Yeah. Yeah. I often look back and I imagine I'm over romanticizing part of it, but. Or ignoring the really, really depths of despair. But my time in Boston, which preceded my time in la, and I went out to LA with a job to go to. So I. It was one of those, like, let's roll the dice again, you know, and I had no money and. But I was doing stand up a lot. And that was all cash under the table. Not a lot of cash, but enough. No, it's, you know, and I had jobs here and there, but I have no one to blame but myself for not having much money. And because that was a choice, I'd rather play softball during the day or go out all night and do sets and then go see my friends, bands and then, you know, be out until 5, 6 in the morning, stumble home, whatever, repeat repeatedly. And you know, so I. But I. As little money as I had and as day to day as things were and you know, and really precarious situations, like if one thing went wrong, I'm out on the street and all that kind of stuff. I probably laughed more in those nine years than I ever, you know, I laughed a lot. There's a lot of good times.
- [22:41]
B
Yeah, I. I don't have too many regrets. I will say. I've always been someone very defined by my anxieties and my stress. And for me, you made a fucking.
- [22:53]
A
Career out of it.
- [22:54]
B
Yeah, I cashed in hard on those lies. I'm the most confident person you've ever met, actually. But when the cameras come on. Ooh, the anxiety every. No, it's very real, like really, really crippling at times.
- [23:08]
A
Well, I have to say, since, you know, I don't know you that well, but I've known you for a long, long time, and you definitely seem way more. What's the word? Stable is not the right word.
- [23:21]
B
I think it is, sadly. Sadly, I think it probably is stable. Yeah.
- [23:24]
A
Yeah, you seem more. But I wouldn't say you were unstable. You were just not comfortable. I don't know.
- [23:32]
B
Yeah. And I oozed that.
- [23:33]
A
Yeah, yeah, you oozed it.
- [23:36]
B
And I think even the people who I was comfortable with would say that would probably describe me in the past as a very unpredictable person. It's like, am I going to show up and be the life of the party on this night, or am I going to be super pissed off and quiet? Or am I going to, you know, like. And I've definitely managed to chill out after many years.
- [23:57]
A
Yeah, I can. I mean, I see a big difference.
- [23:59]
B
Yeah. And like, you said, like, you and I, it's always lovely to see you, but we cross paths a couple times a year. So to hear you be able to even track that is actually very nice for me. But I think, like you describing those Boston days, I sit here and I go. For me, I was lucky to be part of that early wave of ucb, which is. UCB takes a lot of shit in the comedy world. And, you know, certainly it grew to a point where I understand they should have been paying artists for years before they closed. Like, and I'm a. I'm a guy who came up there and owes them a lot. And I can still see that and say, like, it got bigger and less of the magic. Still a good place, but a lot less of that early magic. But I think back to being 19, 20 years old, taking the train in from Jersey, like, going to that weird Theater on 22nd Street. Summer, where the air conditioner broke, but crowds still showed up and people were just drenched in sweat. Like, 11 people there watching. Brilliant, brilliant people, some of whom would go on to be on TV underneath the supermarket. That was the 26th street one, right?
- [25:06]
A
Oh, right, right. Yes.
- [25:07]
B
But, like, I remember doing shows and staying out all night and being aware that it was so much fun, but also, like, going to the bar with, like, Bobby Moynihan's, one of my best friends, and me and him sitting at this bar, McManus, which is a couple blocks from here.
- [25:21]
A
Oh, Yeah, I know McManus.
- [25:23]
B
Comedians all hung out there.
- [25:24]
A
And it's a fireman bar.
- [25:27]
B
Yeah, it's like firemen. It was always firemen and cops at the bar comedians back at the tables. It was great. And I remember always stressing, man, like, stuff starting to happen for people and. And you think back then too, being happy for my friends. But you're like, oh, man. Like, this person's on a commercial or this person got on a show and is it gonna happen for me or not? Then I got older and achieved some things and realized I wish I hadn't let my anxiety overtake it. Because if even when it was happening, I was vaguely aware, sitting in a booth with Bobby Moynihan in this Irish bar and a bunch of cops 10ft away, stressing because, am I gonna make it in comedy or not? And we're up. It's 2:30 in the morning, and we just finished doing three shows. And at the other end of the bar, like a bunch of the Conan o' Brien writer staff who are our complete fucking heroes at the time, and, you know, maybe Kevin Dorff from the Conan staff, like, buys one of you a shot and is like, I saw the end of your show. Good callback. And you're like, holy shit. Like, my heroes are talking to me. I'm like, I wish I had managed to let some of the anxiety go. Cause it was this major motivating thing for me. And I look back, I go, man, my life will never be like that again. And it was so unbelievably cool. I got to be part of some cool shit. I wish I hadn't stressed as much while it was happening because it was fucking cool.
- [26:54]
A
Well, hindsight is 20 20, isn't it? And you get, you know, you've. You've attained success and your. Your life is better or life is more stable. You got a kid.
- [27:05]
B
Yeah.
- [27:07]
A
And if you had, you know, known. It's going to be okay, Chris. Trust me. It's going to be okay. Then, you know, then you could pick and choose which is the key. The key to happiness is go. Okay, I'm going to. When you're in that situation, I am going to stress about the future and my career and, you know, engage in a whole bunch of. Bunch of what ifs. But I'm not gonna do it right now. I'll do it tomorrow.
- [27:39]
B
That's a lot more where I'm at. It's a lot more where I'm at.
- [27:42]
A
Let's enjoy right now.
- [27:43]
B
Yeah. I think the smartest thing I ever did was that anytime I made money my whole career, I never changed an ounce of my lifestyle. So I was like the lead on a sitcom on Comedy Central. One year and still living in Woodside, Queens, in a room with no closet with my buddy, who I moved from college with, up to the city.
- [28:08]
A
Yeah.
- [28:08]
B
And I think it was a full three years after that sitcom that I finally went and got a place in Greenpoint that was slightly nicer and had a closet and a little more privacy where my then roommate lives upstairs and I live downstairs, which felt like luxury, but I've always been that way. The years where the money comes in, I stuff it away to help dissipate the stress for the years where the money's not coming.
- [28:35]
A
That's smart. That's a life lesson. I've done the same thing, and this is a source of tension at home, but my wife has a different approach, you know, in part because she didn't need to have a different approach. And. But I mean, I've said in kind of moments of frustration and, you know, we've talked about finances, you know, and we have to. You know, simply put, if you're. If you're not making money, then. And you're always spending money, then you're spending money. You just. I am of the. You know, you don't spend money unless you have it. And even then you don't. You know, you save. And I've never, ever been like, hey, I'm gonna get. I should be getting this check because that shit goes awry as well. Or. I mean, a million things happen. We all know that. And I mean, including Covid. I was supposed to go out on tour. That would have been a bunch of money. Well, that's not money. But we never altered our. You know, actually, I want to be completely fair to her. When we were. We had a couple of lean years. I've saved a ton of money, you know, because I did. I don't spend anything. I mean, I don't spend money on clothes or. I don't eat out that often. I. I just. I'm not one of, you know, I don't have a fancy car, fancy anything. And. And she, you know, used to be a kind of passive aggressive, jokes about the, you know, five packages a day of whatever. And. And like, hey, when do you think we're going to be done with the house? I do. Is there more stuff we need? I. I guess we do. Or. Or something would, you know, I get something for the, you know, a thing that is for the kitchen that's looks somewhat like 17th century Dutch, but it's got. It's supposed to have some sort of practical purpose, but I don't know what it is, but it's like an old thing that you put in tea or. I don't know, and you get a little box and. And like, oh, that'll make everything better. Now we're done. We're done, right? We got everything. There's no room for anything else. And. And she really. When we were facing, you know, several years in a row, she did change her habits, so that's good. But I mean, it's still like, I'm. I'm of the mind and. And I'm proud of this. Like, I don't take a lift unless it's pouring rain or the subways. I just don't. I don't.
- [31:38]
B
Yeah.
- [31:38]
A
I don't drive into Manhattan for. I. It's crazy to me. I take the subway, I ride my bike, I take a bus. I mean. And I don't. I don't walk to the subway going, aren't I a good person? It's just what you do.
- [31:53]
B
And it's years of training, right? It's years of.
- [31:56]
A
Well, that's the difference between my wife and I. Like, you know, the Boston years, I'm talking about. And I didn't have money. I didn't have more than $2,000 ever, until I won a. Whatever it's. The legal term is I was fired inappropriately or something. And. And so they had put the. The monies that I was owed, like, and was. It was literally like twenty one hundred dollars. Yeah. And. And I went and fought. I. I fought it, you know, an illegal dismissal or whatever it's called. And I won. I won my case. And so this money was released. That was like 2100. And it was like I was. It was like I just hit the lottery, you know, I never. And that meant for a week, I did not have to think about. I mean, I'm. I'm. I still look at the upi. The UPI index price. My wife has no idea what it is. I've even explained it several times.
- [33:04]
B
I'm not sure I'm. I know thing, but I have no idea what it denotes.
- [33:08]
A
Oh, it denotes how much you're paying for not the price of the. The bottle of olive oil, but how much the olive oil within it is.
- [33:17]
B
Yeah.
- [33:18]
A
Is price. So you can look at, oh, this bottle of olive oil is $16, and this one's $32, and this one's $8. But if you look at the UPI thing, you're like, oh, the. Actually, the 16 olive oil is way more, you know, for what you're getting for the amount of. So that'll be, you know, $0.67 per ounce or whatever. The. How. I'm not good at math.
- [33:43]
B
Yeah.
- [33:46]
A
And just little things like the. I, I still look at the right side of the menu, you know, always. That's the first thing I go to.
- [33:54]
B
Yeah.
- [33:54]
A
And, and I am a, A longtime member of Consumer Reports. I don't buy a thing unless I go to Consumer Reports first and go, is this worth it? And I, A good example was my wife bought a couple of these air purifier things that are, that are aesthetically nice. They're kind of modern looking, they're quiet, they're. They're sleek and they, you know, they're not like this big clunky thing. And she had it. And you know, we had it for about a month. And then my daughter started getting these allergies, just, you know, symptoms. Right. And then we, after a while we, we tried a bunch of stuff. We took her to a doctor, then took her to an allergist and they, you know, basically do this and do that. We got these different micro sheets, micro whatever they are, sheets. And, and then I, they said, you should get a air purifier for her room. Okay, cool. And, and Amber was like, oh, I've got an extra one of these. I'll take the one from my office. So let me, let me just check. And I went. Because this, this is not the first time. Literally the lowest rated, most ineffective air purifier on Consumer Reports. Literally the lowest. And I went and got the best one, which was probably $120 cheaper than the one she got. And it's recommended by everybody. And that's just, that's one example. Same thing happened recently. She got these echo friendly washing machine soap sheets. Right. So they're like a little sheet, almost like a dryer sheet, but. And then you tear them up in little bits and you put them in the thing. It's not like the liquid. And it's supposed to be better for the planets made out of this and that. Got it. Didn't get one. Got a case of them. And I went, looked it up. Garbage. Just absolutely useless garbage.
- [36:10]
B
That's very frustrating.
- [36:12]
A
So sorry, I didn't mean this to be a, you know, shout out my wife podcast.
- [36:17]
B
I love talking. So getting into the economic nitty gritty and.
- [36:20]
A
But it is, it is a, it is a source attention. We try to be good about it. She is definitely better about it. I also have to be fair, I have anxiety. I take medication for it and I Can be a. About it. I can get super grumpy and, as I said, passive aggressive and just moody about that stuff. And I'm always worried about. Because I grew up really poor. I'm not even talking about Boston when I was a adult.
- [36:50]
B
I've had the same roots. Yeah.
- [36:52]
A
We grew up. My. My dad left us. Left us in severe debt. My mom had no real skills, and she had three kids.
- [37:01]
B
Yeah.
- [37:01]
A
All of a sudden and in the middle of fucking Roswell, Georgia. And it sucked. And. And it took years and years and years and years and years of my mom methodically. I think the order was she got a. I believe it was a gas gasoline credit card.
- [37:24]
B
Yeah.
- [37:25]
A
Paid that off. That allowed her to get a Sears. She had to. This is over a year just to.
- [37:30]
B
Just to be.
- [37:30]
A
Just to build up credit.
- [37:32]
B
Yeah. Yeah.
- [37:32]
A
So get an apartment. That was somewhat decent, you know. And I've had some.
- [37:38]
B
I've had some. I feel very conflicted about my version of those memories because in some way, they make me very sad. In other ways, I find them happy and inspiring to real. Like, I, I. My version of this was. I had. About a year or two ago, had this memory pop into my head of me and my friend Josh, who was my best friend when we. I was really little, hanging out in some doctor's office and being really bored, waiting for my mom and his mom to be done. And that memory popped in my head. And it's a memory I've always had. But I was. It finally occurred to me, why was I. Why were our moms together in a doctor's office? Why were he and I there so long that we were bored? Like, you don't go to the doctor at the same time as your friend. Like. And I called my mom up and I said, I have this weird memory of you and Joanne at this doctor's office. And. And me and Josh, like, getting restless and me and him having fun but getting bored. And she goes, oh, that was that place in South Orange we used to go. I grew up in a town called West Orange. And I was like, what was it? And she told me that her and her friend found out there was this place where you could go, and they would get these giant, like, bandages, like patches put on their arms. And it was cosmetic companies doing the human testing to see if they caused adverse effects in humans, skin allergies or burn marks or whatever. And my mom was like, we'd go and do it once in a while, and then you guys would get to have a pizza night. Like, we'd go, and they'd give us $40 cash. And that Friday, that weekend, we. We'd have pizza night. And I have all these warm memories of pizza night. I remember that being a big deal in my house, that every once in a while, my dad would go to Johnny's Pizza and we'd get pizza night.
- [39:34]
A
Yeah.
- [39:35]
B
And you realize, oh, like, my parents were on such a tightrope of a budget that my mom was doing weird medical tests.
- [39:43]
A
Yeah.
- [39:43]
B
So me and my brother could have this happy thing once a month. Sit there, I'm like, man, that is not my reality. But on one level, that, like, makes me want to cry. On the other level, I'm like, that's such a. What a beautiful thing. A beautiful thing. And it's. It's weird.
- [40:02]
A
I mean, the. The absolute, like, go look at this through the eyes of all the women who have benefited from your mom's sacrifice of a, you know, itchy or burnt arm. And now they look, their. Their only fans account is, you know, their Instagram stories.
- [40:24]
B
Rich women. Rich women's skin did not have to be. Because my mom, my working class mom took the hit so that the rich women never had to live through that hell, that horror. Have you ever had. I've had it catch up to me in weird ways. As an adult. Do you ever have moments of, oh, I grew up much poorer than I am now?
- [40:44]
A
I mean, not. Not any kind of revelatory new things I do. When you were talking about you and your friend, that I have a lot of. Not really specific, but a lot of memories of. And.
- [41:01]
B
And they.
- [41:02]
A
And I'm more attuned to them now that we have a daughter and we have money, so we have a nanny, and we have. My sister just went back to Atlanta. She will fly my sister up. Right. For a week. My. My. You know, Amber will bring up, like, I need. You know, I need to finish these writing assignments, and I need help. And. And my sister Wendy's happy to come up here. They. She. She and Marlo get along like a house on fire. I mean, they're. They're great. And. But, you know, we'll. We'll pay her to fly up and hang out and stuff. And. And so there's a lot of that. And. And. And the thing that my daughter's never really experienced and probably won't is the thing that you and I and my sisters had to experience, which is. Oh, you see, your mom and dad were together. Yeah.
- [41:59]
B
Yeah.
- [41:59]
A
Okay. And we also moved around constantly, so we didn't. There Weren't a whole lot of neighborhood folks until much later, until we were kind of grown. But what I'm describing is the thing where you have to go to the DMV because your mom has to go to the DMV and can't leave you alone. And there's no school, it's summer, whatever, and there's nowhere to put you. And you. So I would. And my sisters too. You tag along to a doctor's appointment or the DMV or, you know, wherever.
- [42:35]
B
Yeah.
- [42:36]
A
You're an adult parent has to conduct business and there's nowhere to put you.
- [42:41]
B
Yeah.
- [42:41]
A
You know, and get in the car. We're going, you know, all day. Yeah. And that's. And so one good thing was for me was I read early on and, and so that I had. That I was a real nerdy, kind of, you know, bookish kid. And. And so I would read. But, you know, like, you know, my. My two younger sisters were just. I mean, it was just, it was tough. And. And. And it's something that, you know, some kids. And now kids, you can take them and they've got a Game Boy or iPad or whatever. I probably just really dated myself. I'm sure there's a million things.
- [43:31]
B
Now. It's the switch, right?
- [43:32]
A
The switch, right. Or the. Yeah, whatever it is. The phone. You know, kids have their phone, whatever. So. But back then, you know, there was. If you didn't have a book, you know, I read a lot of Sunset magazines and. Oh, yeah, doctor's office.
- [43:48]
B
Weird. Bad magazines.
- [43:50]
A
Really bad old.
- [43:51]
B
My childhood old verse of magazines. Yeah. I had. A couple years ago, I ran into one and I just kind of quietly kept it to myself. But my wife was baffled because I forget where we were. But I asked her to pass the maple syrup. She's like, well, it's breakfast syrup. And I was like, yeah, the maple syrup.
- [44:13]
A
Maple syrup.
- [44:14]
B
She's like, no, that's. That's breakfast syrup. Like maple syrup.
- [44:17]
A
Breakfast syrup is fake maple syrup.
- [44:19]
B
Like the plastic one. And then she's like, well, the maple syrup comes from a tree. And I was like. I thought that was just like. Like different grades of quality. She's like, no, this is not maple syrup. This thing is not maple syrup. And then I realized I was kind of like laughing to myself, but also like, man, where you go, oh, right. I grew up in a way where if there's a two dollar option for this syrup and the maple syrup is 556 bucks.
- [44:43]
A
Yeah.
- [44:44]
B
I guess to me, there's no delineation Because I'm never having that other one, you know, like, that one's not a factor.
- [44:51]
A
But once you have. Once you have maple syrup, you're like, oh, this other stuff is like watery corn syrupy garbage.
- [44:57]
B
Yeah, but in my mind, those are the same thing, right? Because there was not really. This was not really an option. This. You don't really mess around with the fancy.
- [45:07]
A
It's all maple syrup to you.
- [45:08]
B
It's all maple syrup. You're allowed to call it.
- [45:10]
A
There's good maple syrup and there's regular shitty maple syrup. It's all maple syrup.
- [45:14]
B
You can't afford to get onto this idea that there's a spectrum of these things. Then just call it whatever the fuck you want. You can't afford to be in the game, man. But see, I'm. I. This brings up something that I'm in the middle of now, which is I'm a little jealous of you. Like, I was cooked on the city. I was very, very burnt. And I got to a point where I was doing. There was like a stretch in New York comedy. That's where I was like, kind of like one of the guys in, like, Brooklyn comedy, you know, like, yeah, I was. I was helping to lead the charge.
- [45:48]
A
And that's how I saw you.
- [45:49]
B
Yeah. And, you know, sold the TV show, talk show, eventually employed a bunch of other. The Brooklyn E. Comics. Like, Real Community Guy was also, like, getting recognized around the city, but was doing well enough that there would be like. Like I had my TV show on and there were subway posters of my face, but I was still taking the subway every day. I'm not a person who can take cars. Even if I could afford it, I don't think I would have that in me. I'd feel.
- [46:14]
A
But I took the subway down there. I take the subway every day.
- [46:16]
B
I remember Stretch where it. I both had my Off Broadway show running and my TV show, and they both had subway posters. So we'd pull into subway stops, the doors would open, and I'd see literally four posters of my own head. And then everyone turn around and it was weird. And then. But it was. It was also this tipping point that I'm sure you've run into your version where I'm like, there was a long stretch when I was on public access tv. That was kind of my golden age where New Yorkers started to view me as their guy. Where I'd be. I'd like. I remember once walking through Washington Square with my. My now wife. Some guy walked by and was just like, hey, guys. Third man. Love the human fish. Public access forever, bro. I was like, thanks, dude. And my wife was like, oh, you've become like a New Yorkie guy. Like, New Yorkers recognize you from this thing. That's cool. Then I got big enough that turned, and I remember, like, being on an F train platform once and hearing somebody going, gathered, gathered, gathered. And it was really sad, though, because I have dealt with mental illness in my life and kind of quietly leaned over to my wife, and I was like, I need. I need to. Do you hear someone whispering my last name right now? And she was like, yeah, I hear it. Because I was like. I needed to check if I was hallucinating or if someone was being that odd. And she was like, yep, someone's trying to get you to turn around instead of just walking up and saying hi, Right. So I left the city, and I'm a little jealous of you because you've managed to stay here, which means you get to kind of opt into your own life. You get to still go see bands if you want on short notice. You get to still walk out the front door if it happens to be a night where you have some time free and see what you can figure it out. Whereas I'm in the. In the. Not just the burbs, but, like, where the burbs and the rural area smash. And I'm. I'm This. Yeah, they smash. It's crazy. It's suburban people and farmers.
- [48:14]
A
Wow. Okay. And there's a specific area.
- [48:17]
B
There's a real area of New Jersey where if you are suburbanite and you want to. A farmer, you come to my hometown.
- [48:22]
A
Okay.
- [48:23]
B
And it is hot and heavy. I would say, like, borderline gross sex.
- [48:30]
A
It's. Well, when you're. I don't know, farmer, sex is not. I mean, they're just bringing a lot to the.
- [48:36]
B
And they're seeing animals all the time.
- [48:38]
A
Yeah, that's what I meant. Unless they're, like, have a sunflower farm. Farm.
- [48:42]
B
There's less of that. It's more like raw animal. Like. Like, it's. It's up. It's dark. It's dark. It's the dark side of sex. I. I took all my TV show money and I bought a house, and now I'm just praying I can hold on to this house. But I'm also living in an area where my son is in a great school and his life is going to be a lot more relaxed than my childhood was. And it's prettier, and there's more trees and things to look at the houses are a little farther. You don't look out the window and see across the driveway and you can see, oh, the scagliosis next door having chicken tonight. Like, that's how close our houses were together growing up. Like. But I have also realized that for as lovely as it is, I don't make nearly as much money as I made five or six years ago. I'm making 20% of what I made at my peach. Some of that is because I needed to slow down for my own well being. I'm still doing well enough. But I'm also now living in this area where some of the people, like, my kid is in kindergarten with families that I've realized some of these families are real big money. And I'm now having all these weird insecurities of, like, oh, I don't. I don't. I've never known how to be around people with this much money. And I gotta learn because we're raising our kids in the same town. They're in the same class we're gonna be at.
- [50:10]
A
Well, as long as you're not, you know, doing that status seeking, keeping up with the Joneses thing, it's no big deal.
- [50:16]
B
If anything, I probably go in the other direction too much. I had a friend in town recently tell me, he's like, you know one thing I love about you? And I was like, what? He's like, you're just like, totally comfortable dressing like shit. And I was like, what? And he was like, a lot of the other dads around here, like, they wear real expensive stuff and you just dress how you always have. Like, you just wear dumpy shit. And I'm like, and that wasn't a choice. Like, this is just how I look.
- [50:42]
A
Also, that's a weird thing to admire.
- [50:44]
B
He was. But he's like another dad, sort of in a similar boat, right?
- [50:49]
A
He ever hears he's just looking for you to buoy his kind of like, hey, you and me, brother, we're in it together, man. We don't need Armani suits.
- [51:00]
B
I didn't realize I was standing out as someone who looks visibly inferior to those around me. Now I have another thing to be insecure about.
- [51:07]
A
Don't be insecure about that. I know that.
- [51:11]
B
It's also, it's funny too, because as an artist, you realize it cuts through the class warfare. Like, we get invited into all the rooms because people think what I do is cool.
- [51:21]
A
Yeah. So, like, well, that's the thing they know. And it's. It's a. It's A part of the aspect of what you were talking about earlier with people going, hey bro, I love your. Like they know you and they, they feel like. And to a certain degree they're correct that they know you and you don't know them and your neighbors don't know each other unless they go out and introduce each other and they have a conversation stuff. But you, there's already a, depending on how you look at it, an advantage or disadvantage. People know you, they know your point of view, you know, so yeah, it was funny too.
- [51:57]
B
I, I moved to a neighborhood that has a, an hoa so they all got my name first and they all watched tons of shit of mine before I moved in. And like, I mean I had, I don't know.
- [52:12]
A
He's suicidal, I don't know.
- [52:14]
B
You don't even know. I had neighbors who, the first time I met, the first time I meet them, I'm like taking groceries out of my car and they walk a dog past. They're like, hey man, you just moved in, right? I'm like, oh yeah, a couple weeks ago. They're like, really? I gotta tell you, just so psyched you didn't kill yourself. And that was really moving that thing that did on HBO because you know, everybody's had their thoughts and you know, I'm just psyched you're alive and not dead via suicide. Like four real conversations like that movie, like, ah, what did I do? Let alone my old public access show.
- [52:46]
A
But that's a good thing. I mean and you moment.
- [52:50]
B
It's shocking to be like, right?
- [52:52]
A
Sure.
- [52:52]
B
Oh, watched a bunch of episodes. You're old TV like, you know elderly neighbors of mine where I'm like, this is not really my thing. But that's cool that you did that. And I'm like, my public access show has episodes where I'm like in tighty whities and there's a dominatrix melting wax onto my bare chest on public access TV while I scream in legitimate pain. And I'm like, well I'm glad that Susan across the street saw the dominatrix bit I did in 2013 on public access TV. It's very, very fun. And also at times I'm just like, man, they all know so much about me because there's so much out there.
- [53:28]
A
But that's part of what we do.
- [53:32]
B
Yeah.
- [53:32]
A
You know, I mean, and that's part of this, you know, the this and the last generation of stand ups are way more personal, you know, not getting up there going, making jokes about Walmart and stuff.
- [53:48]
B
You know, I know I've weirdly gone. I've retreated from being as public as I used to be, in part because of this.
- [53:56]
A
Yeah.
- [53:56]
B
I'm now making much.
- [53:58]
A
You were also way. You know, you were an extreme version of what I'm talking about.
- [54:04]
B
Yeah. I will give myself credit that there was a time, I think, in New York where before confessional got as confessional as it was, that people would sometimes be a little bit like this guy. I don't think it would be shocking. Like, my 2017 HBO special was shocking to people when I was working it out in 2013. 14, 15. Right. It felt shocking. I don't think it feels shocking today. And that's Right. Represents a lot of progress about people being vulnerable, people talking about progress that.
- [54:34]
A
You were a part of, you were part of. And I'm propelling the evolution.
- [54:37]
B
Very proud of that. And certainly, you know, Maria Bamford, Gary Goldman, a lot of people who like dope Aparna, like so many people who talked about mental health where the conversations changed, but it felt shocking back then.
- [54:49]
A
Yeah.
- [54:50]
B
Now it doesn't feel shocking. And I don't know if it's feeling like I've done my part or if there's some fear I have to reckon with, but I'm like, I don't know how to go there anymore. And I'm not comfortable being as personal anymore. And I helped lead that charge.
- [55:07]
A
You did your bit. Now it's time to retire. Enjoy your ARP paychecks.
- [55:13]
B
If I was. I have the mentality. If I was 20 years older, I would be. I would be. Clock me out, cash me out. Let's do it.
- [55:22]
A
You know what I'm thinking on the way to the podcast this morning? I don't know what made me think of it. I was. I was walking on the subway and I guess I was feeling fat. Like I was going to like, start this kind of diet type thing. It's. And it's been hard with being on the. On the road. It's extremely hard. But I'm pretty much off the road now and starting these other projects. And. And so I was like, oh, I'm gonna drink less, and I'm not. I'm gonna. No snacking after eight. And all these little things that have worked before. And I had for, like, the first thought, because I'm going to be doing this one of the movies. I am naked. I have to be.
- [56:09]
B
Yeah. That'll put you in your head.
- [56:10]
A
And so how naked?
- [56:12]
B
We talking full frontal, we talking butt.
- [56:13]
A
I. I don't Think they're gonna. I don't. They're not gonna show my dick and balls, but they're.
- [56:19]
B
I once shot a full frontal scene and it got cut from the movie.
- [56:22]
A
Really? What was the movie?
- [56:23]
B
It was Mike Birbiglia's the Don't Think Twice Movie, which is the. About an improv troupe.
- [56:29]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [56:29]
B
A guy gets. Basically gets snl. It's very much easy acting for me, having been around UCB in the 2000s, to be like, what's it feel like when your friends all move on to great success on your improv group? I'm like, oh, I lived that for a long time. So I did it. But we shot a scene and Mike. I opened for Mike for a year. He and I are very close and he came to me, he's like, I've got this idea. It's sort of like based on this urban legend about an improv guy who would get naked in his warmups. And the group all found it funny, which I think sounds problematic today. But I've been assured that it was actually very. It was a funny thing when it happened, blah, blah, blah. I don't know much about it, but he's like, I've always heard this story and I'm wondering if you'd shoot a nudity scene. I was like, frontal? He's like, yeah. I was like, yeah, I'll do it. And we've shot it. And I'll never forget, I was at a punk show at. There was a great space out in Bushwick called Shea Stadium. Not where the Mets played it, they named it after this little punk space.
- [57:30]
A
Like two and two together.
- [57:32]
B
It was awesome.
- [57:32]
A
Didn't think it was the actual stadium, but people often.
- [57:36]
B
I would sometimes advertise I'm performing at Shea Stadium. And like, relatives of mine would reach out and be like, holy shit, you've arrived. And I'm like, no, Shay Stadium doesn't even exist anymore. But I was at this punk show at Shea and this girl was giving me the side eye and finally came over and she was like, your name's Chris, right? And I was like, yeah. And she's like, I. I just saw a screening of a movie you're in and I hadn't even seen it yet. They had just started doing the test screenings. So I was like, holy shit. Like, how was it? I'm excited to see how that one came out. That was like a very heavy lift acting wise for me. Usually I get just cast as sort of an off putting nerd when I do any acting and Mike was like, no, you're gonna be, like, doing some of the emotional stuff in this one. It was cool. So I was all excited. I'm like, how did it come out? This and that? She's like, it was good. And I could tell she was holding back on something. I'm like, what's going on? She goes, I just want to say, like, thought it was a really weird choice that they showed, like, full penis 90 seconds in.
- [58:35]
A
And I was like, what?
- [58:37]
B
She's like, they showed your full. Like, there's a full screenshot of just you full frontal naked on screen. And it's 90 seconds into the movie. And I was like, ooh. I didn't realize it was like, that early on it was gonna wind up in there. And then I got a little nervous, and I called Mike and he's like, yeah, buddy, I was gonna tell you about this. Like, that's very consistent feedback. So I think we're gonna cut it. And I was like, all right. Thank God. Apparently the first half dozen screenings, everybody was like, like, what the. Am I seeing full dick? I'm, like, just settling in. I've barely put my phone on airplane.
- [59:10]
A
I'm eating popcorn.
- [59:12]
B
Yeah. Now there's just a full on. Full on hog eye level to me. Surround sound dick.
- [59:21]
A
And it was shot in IMAX.
- [59:23]
B
It was 3D IMAX, too. Yeah. Anyway, you were saying, so you have to get naked.
- [59:31]
A
Yeah, but it won't be. I mean, it'll be artfully concealed. Oh. But what I was saying was. Yeah, I need to, you know, because I've got this. What it called, visceral fat. I think it's called not visceral fat. The stuff that's like. Like, dad, beer belly. Hard, like, not soft. Like this thing, you know, like, you could punch me and I wouldn't even flinch. Wow. And wow. Like those Russian guy.
- [60:01]
B
You know, I do feel it's weird how often we cross paths and you should. You start bringing up, like, physical. Like, I. You. You could punch me and I wouldn't feel it.
- [60:10]
A
That's just. That's my thing with you. Yeah.
- [60:13]
B
No, I've known. I've asked other people.
- [60:15]
A
I have dropped that hint and suggestion for years, a million times, and you've never hit me, not once.
- [60:22]
B
I feel. I've talked with other comedians and.
- [60:26]
A
So you are understanding what I'm putting out there.
- [60:29]
B
Yeah, I've. I have felt you, David Cross, trying to bait me. Chris. Gathered into a physical confrontation for well over a decade.
- [60:35]
A
Yeah, but. But just in the stomach.
- [60:37]
B
Yeah.
- [60:37]
A
No, it's really specific.
- [60:39]
B
Extraordinarily specific.
- [60:40]
A
It's like the Houdini thing. And I gotta be prepared.
- [60:43]
B
Yeah.
- [60:43]
A
I don't want to die of a ruptured spleen.
- [60:45]
B
Yeah.
- [60:48]
A
But I was. I. So I was like, okay, I'm gonna drop a few pounds. And then. And then I started justifying it in a real way. Not in, like, you know, like, I really. It was real to me. We're like, you know what? I'm 61 years old. I can have a fucking beer belly if I want. Who gives a. God damn him.
- [61:06]
B
Yeah.
- [61:08]
A
I'm going to keep eating the way I want to eat.
- [61:10]
B
I love.
- [61:10]
A
I've earned it.
- [61:11]
B
I love that. Good on you.
- [61:12]
A
Yeah.
- [61:13]
B
I turn 45 tomorrow and I just.
- [61:15]
A
Happy birthday.
- [61:16]
B
Thank you so much. And I just feel this. I've begrudgingly hit a phase where I go. I've been telling myself for like a year and a half, I'm gonna lose some of the weight I'm carrying. And now instead, I've started admitting defeat by just sizing up my clothes. I'm just buying bigger clothes, which is telling me you're never gonna lose, but.
- [61:36]
A
That is that you can get rid of easier. I would say don't let that turn into this.
- [61:42]
B
Okay.
- [61:43]
A
Because I had that for a little while and then that turns into this kind of harder. And I was reading about it. You know what.
- [61:50]
B
Oh, God.
- [61:50]
A
I remember. This was from maybe two tours ago. Or my last word. Something I was talking about, oh, tour, belly, whatever. Which happens every time I. Yeah. I try to lose weight before I tour in anticipation of the 5, 6, 7 pounds I'm gonna put on. And a guy in the front. It was a standing show, and a guy in front's like. Yeah. And he's pulled points to his things, like, that's. That's why I got the term. I think it's. Viv. Visceral. Which. But visceral is. Means you can see it.
- [62:20]
B
Yeah.
- [62:21]
A
So maybe that's not. But something like visceral fat. And it's. It's a different kind of fat. It's like a hard rubber and it doesn't go away. It's hard. Hard to. It's. It's the kind of thing, like the normal. Oh, I'll. I'll get on the treadmill for half an hour and I'll. You know, you got to really do some shit to get rid of this kind. That kind of your. Your belly fat is. Yeah. Get on the treadmill. Get some fruits and nuts and grains and whatever.
- [62:53]
B
Yeah.
- [62:53]
A
And this is like, you've gone past this. That's not a plan for you anymore. We have to do something a little bit more. And I really was like, it's something I've made fun of and I've scoffed at, but I was like, what about those, the cryo things? Can I go freeze this out? You know, can I spend.
- [63:15]
B
You started looking for weird ways, looking for shortcuts.
- [63:19]
A
Yeah, shortcuts to. So that I could keep drinking.
- [63:22]
B
Yeah.
- [63:22]
A
How can I do this? Lose this weight and keep drinking as much as I do? Yeah, that's. And if anybody out there has an answer to that, please, I.
- [63:33]
B
Feel free. Had a guy who I think was well intentioned reached out to me on Instagram based just on seeing pictures of me over the years. And he said he's a fitness coach and he has an online portion of his business that he's trying to grow. And he said, I can help you lose that weight around the middle. If you want to work with my company, I can absolutely get you where you want to go. And I was interacting with him. I feel bad because I eventually ghosted him because I was interested at first. I was like, cool, maybe this is the kick in the ass I need to finally lose. You know, I'm walking around, like about 15 pounds heavier than I would walk around before my son was born.
- [64:19]
A
Right.
- [64:21]
B
So maybe this will get me back, like my metabolism back to that. And then he sent me this sort of contract. Okay, I'll provide you with all these free coaching sessions and this and that and, and. But he said one of the things that I was obligated to do was post a before and after picture on my personal Instagram. And I just could not, could not reconcile that thought. I'm like, if it ends well, then fucking A. Awesome. Then awesome. I'll post the before and after if I lose 20 pounds or if all of a sudden I have abs for the first time in my life or my pecs are manly for the first time ever. But if I'm lazy about this and I lose £4 and I've now signed a contract where the before looks like shit and the after looks also like shit, I cannot sign a contract that I'll do the before and after. It could end so sad for me.
- [65:16]
A
Let me. Let me give you. It could be funny. Could be actually pretty funny. If I saw that, I would laugh.
- [65:22]
B
Post the before and then six months later. Or even worse, though, then just the world sees that I never post the after because I just gave up along the Way I'm working with these coaches. Here's my before shot. Check in in a few months and then a few months later I look even worse.
- [65:38]
A
Yeah. Or you're in a wheelchair.
- [65:41]
B
Mentally, I could not get over that block.
- [65:44]
A
I have a suggestion.
- [65:46]
B
Yeah?
- [65:48]
A
Knowing what? Based on what we were talking about earlier for a way to lose weight, a way to get you to commit to lose weight. Sure sounds like a joke. It's not.
- [66:00]
B
Okay.
- [66:01]
A
Join a gym and join the gym with a healthy monthly, you know, monthly payment, you know, and then do a pay automatic pay per month.
- [66:19]
B
Yeah.
- [66:19]
A
Put a year's worth on there and you'll sit there and going, oh shit. I paid $320 for access to this gym every month. I better use it.
- [66:29]
B
Yeah.
- [66:30]
A
And it will make you. It'll just be the little thing that like gets you up off the couch if you need that little thing to get you out the door. I recently did like you did that.
- [66:41]
B
I got an even one better. As someone who else who has talked about like being frugal even when things get better financially.
- [66:47]
A
Yep.
- [66:48]
B
I. I recently rented a small office in New Jersey about 15 minutes from my house. And I like the work from home thing was really done. We have a six year old, we have a dog. We have a million things that need to get done around our house all the time. I can't work from home anymore. Got the office. Love it. But it's street park. I'm paying street meters. And the cheap comedian in me realized there's a gym about two or three blocks away. And I joined the gym and they have park there. They validate three hours of parking a day. So if I go every day that I go to the office.
- [67:28]
A
Yeah.
- [67:29]
B
And park there, it actually pays for the gym membership based on the validated parking. The validated parking, what I would have paid on the street, three hours a day would add up more to than the monthly gym membership. So the way I see it, this gym is sort of paying me to be a member.
- [67:47]
A
There you go.
- [67:48]
B
But I have to go or else. Or else I'm paying for parking and the gym.
- [67:51]
A
I like that. That's a little more convoluted but still works. Same same idea.
- [67:55]
B
And I can even go. What I'll do is I'll park at their parking garage. I'll go work for two hours, then I'll go over there, change, workout for like 45 minutes. They still validate all three hours. I just got two hours and 15 minutes of free parking on the gym.
- [68:11]
A
Yeah.
- [68:11]
B
That was not Gym specific. So I feel like the part of me that likes being rebellious feels like I'm stealing from the gym. I feel like I'm bilking the town out of taking more money out of my pocket from the parking meters.
- [68:25]
A
I don't see it that way, but okay.
- [68:28]
B
It's really. It's the start. It's the quiet. It's the start of a quiet rebellion where both this one town in New Jersey and Crunch Fitness are finally going to get what's fucking coming to them because of me and how I'm behaving with this free parking scheme.
- [68:41]
A
Wow.
- [68:41]
B
Yeah.
- [68:42]
A
Yeah, that's smart. Impressive.
- [68:46]
B
Thanks so much. I'm a real mastermind. I'm really a puppet master pulling the strings and these people don't even realize.
- [68:54]
A
It, but you're pulling your own strings. You're your own puppet master.
- [68:58]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [68:59]
A
So you're aware of what you're doing, but you're also not aware of what you're doing.
- [69:03]
B
I'm aware of what I'm doing. I'm also aware that no one else cares that when I'm in my mind and I'm like, ha, I'm fucking over Crunch Fitness a little bit and this town in New Jersey's oppressive parking lot.
- [69:13]
A
I don't think you're fucking them. I don't.
- [69:15]
B
No one cares. No, I know.
- [69:16]
A
See, but I have to be driven by feelings of you're getting away with something.
- [69:21]
B
Getting away with something.
- [69:22]
A
Gaming the system.
- [69:23]
B
Gaming the system. Knocking down the person in power. It was. I had.
- [69:29]
A
You know how much power Crunch has?
- [69:31]
B
Oh, Crunch Fitness. Dave Wool, Northwestern, NJ with an iron fist.
- [69:37]
A
No judgments.
- [69:38]
B
Crunch. Absolutely. I'm infiltrating them from the inside. And I'm happy to say I just watched both seasons of Andor and I'm ready to start a rebellion. Crunch Fitness.
- [69:48]
A
I don't know what that is.
- [69:49]
B
Oh, andor's great. It's a Star wars show. But even if you don't like Star wars, it's just a pretty great show.
- [69:55]
A
Do you have to know Star Wars?
- [69:57]
B
No. You could watch this entire show and then the Star wars stuff would feel like, like set dressing. But it's, it's really a show about like, how do oppressed people rise up and start organizing. And it's kind of shocking that a Disney funded Star wars property has this level of rabble rousing inside it. Or I'm like, oh, this is wild. But anyway, I'm gonna take down Crunch. I'm gonna take out Crunch Fitness. Finally, something has to Chris, do you.
- [70:27]
A
Have anything you want to let the folks know about this will? I don't know when this will out, but, you know, let's say a month from now.
- [70:37]
B
I would say the. The big things I'd love to let people know about are I have my own podcast called Beautiful Anonymous, which, where I talk to people on the phone and they stay anonymous and we have hour long conversations.
- [70:48]
A
People you know or people you don't.
- [70:49]
B
Know, strangers, they call in. Some of them are like super, you know, light, funny stuff. I'll get, you know, a teenager calling up and being like, here's what it's like to just be in high school right now, dude. And I'm like, awesome. And then sometimes people call up and they're like, here's the darkest shit I've ever lived through.
- [71:06]
A
And I don't know. That's really cool. I'm gonna have to check that out. Yeah, it's Beautiful Anonymous.
- [71:10]
B
Beautiful Anonymous. Yeah. I'm really proud of it. And then the other thing I want to plug is I started a couple years ago working with a nonprofit called Wellness Together that helps fund mental health services in schools. And they helped me build a thing called Laughing Together where we do comedy workshops with kids to get them communicating, get them pushing through their anxiety, get them letting their guard down around each other. All the things about improv that I think are so great with kids that you know, in the same way that I think a lot of people grow up and they're like, I never want to go see my friends improv shows ever again. But I'm like, but it's fantastic for kids. So I work with the mental health professionals to build that and it's really joyous. So I'd love to plug those two things.
- [72:00]
A
Well, mission accomplished.
- [72:01]
B
Yeah. Thank you so much. Are there any plugs you need to get out?
- [72:05]
A
Yes, actually.
- [72:07]
B
People don't ask you enough on your own show?
- [72:09]
A
No, I don't think I'm ever asked.
- [72:10]
B
And they put you in the weird position of having to just steamroll your own plugs in, which always. It is what it is, but I'm going to open it up to you. Why don't you get some plugs out?
- [72:19]
A
All right, so let me get my phone here, my calendar. So I've got a couple. I think by the time this comes out, those will be done. So let me say that I know that on July 12th. Let me make sure this is correct. July 12th. I will. Yes, there is at the Bell House in Brooklyn. Great room, great place to perform There'll be a benefit that I'm headlining for Little Essentials, which is a organization that I work with that raises. That gets donations and raises money and goods for impoverished kids in New York City. And they're amazing. They're selfless. They're so great. And it. It's humbling every time I do. And I've been working with them for a long time and they're. So we're doing a benefit to raise money for them. And then they do like, diaper drives. They're doing a diaper drive right now and formula and clothing and all kinds of stuff for kids five and under and, you know, new parents who don't have money. So that'll be July 12th at Bell House. It'll be me. Gosh. Who else is on there? Jeanine Groflo. Excuse me. John Glazer, Sean Patton, I believe, Shane Torres. There's a whole sick lineup. It's gonna be great.
- [73:52]
B
Sick lineup of good hearted comedians.
- [73:54]
A
Yes.
- [73:55]
B
How often in 2025 do you hear about a lineup where everyone has a good heart?
- [74:00]
A
Not often. Not. Not often enough. Well, Brooklyn, Brooklyn, you're gonna have more of that hanging on. And then what else? Get Chris some water. Yep. All right.
- [74:14]
B
Can I do one more?
- [74:16]
A
Yeah, do one more.
- [74:17]
B
And so I've been hosting this new variety show called that show, hosted by Chris Gethard. And it's been really fun. And it's a lot of. It's like I bring in some of the other people who have been doing it for 25 years. And then there's also a lot of these, like, experimental clowns around Brooklyn now that's becoming a whole scene. These sort of renegade clowns.
- [74:38]
A
Do you know Stamp Town?
- [74:39]
B
Oh, Stamp Town is leading the charge with these guys.
- [74:41]
A
Oh, I love, I love Stamptown.
- [74:43]
B
But I'm doing. In August, I'm doing for the first time. We've been doing it at ucb, which is a small venue, but we're going out to White Eagle hall in Jersey City.
- [74:53]
A
Oh, I'm playing there.
- [74:54]
B
Oh, it's great. It's a great spot.
- [74:55]
A
I'm playing there in August. I want to say.
- [74:58]
B
Oh, you're gonna love it. Have you been out there before?
- [75:01]
A
No.
- [75:02]
B
It's awesome. And Jersey City is crushing it right now. Jersey City has its own little micro comedy set too full of Jamie.
- [75:07]
A
July 19th. So the week after that benefit at Bell House, Jersey City. And I believe, yes, I'll be White Eagle Hall.
- [75:14]
B
White Eagle Hall. You'll love it. And the Jersey City comics, they're their own Little scene, and they're great. Nick Fiero, Alex Kubard, Alex Nicholas. These great guys. You'll love it out there. But we're gonna do, like, our first ever leap up towards a big show at White Eagle hall, I think August 6th or 7th. And I recently found this clown who's also a strongman, and he crushes cans on his head and lifts cinder blocks up with his teeth. So I think I might try to see if he'll come do the Jersey City show.
- [75:42]
A
Why wouldn't he have Jersey City written all over?
- [75:45]
B
If you've ever wanted to see a clown crush cans on his own head constantly, come out to Jersey City, everybody.
- [75:51]
A
All right, now, Chris, it's been an absolute pleasure to see you. Have you on the show. I end every episode with a question from my daughter, and you can answer it in any way you see fit. Okay, so the question today. Your question is, Chris, why are bumblebees furry?
- [76:19]
B
I think bumblebees are furry because they do a lot of good for the environment. But everybody thinks of bees and goes, oh, no, they're going to sting me. So they have to do something cute to remind you that they're actually very productive members of the ecosystem. Pollinating, making sure plants bloom so they get a furry and cute part so that humans are less inclined to want to instinctively smash and kill them into non existence. Did that get too grim at the end for your daughter? No.
- [76:49]
A
There is no to anything, as I.
- [76:52]
B
Say, and I can keep going and just let your daughter know that I think humanity's instinct is to see something it might view as slightly dangerous and to crush and eliminate it forever. And only in hindsight do we then go back and actually see their value. And we have this real habit of looking back and going, oh, man, let's celebrate this thing now that it's gone and never recognizing we're the ones that snuffed it into non existence. And that's happening with the bees right now. So if they want to be a little furry to say, hey, chill the fuck out. Take it easy on us. Chill out with your pesticides, chill out with your aggression. They're just trying to hang on in the face of one of humanity's darkest and most hypocritical habits.
- [77:31]
A
Well, then how do you explain Honey Nut Cheerios?
- [77:34]
B
I've been trying for years, and I don't know how to get people to understand the actual. The actual many layers of emotions I have about Honey Nut Cheerios. It's. I mean, do we want to do a whole second episode of the podcast, because that could just be hours on its own.
- [77:49]
A
Yeah, we do, but unfortunately we don't have time. We have to turn the studio over to Huell Protein Drink. All right.
- [77:59]
B
That was fun. I love getting to catch up, man.
- [78:02]
A
Sense is working Overtime is a Headgum podcast created and hosted by me, David Cross. The show is edited by Katie Skelton and engineered by Nicole Lyons with supervising producer Emma Foley. Thanks to Demi Druchin for our show Art and Mark Rivers for our theme song. For more podcasts by headgum, visit headgum.com or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts and maybe we'll read it on a future episode. I'm not gonna do that. Thanks for listening.
- [78:32]
B
That was a Headgun podcast.