Jon Glaser

Summary

Podcast Summary: Senses Working Overtime with David Cross featuring Jon Glaser

Episode Title: Jon Glaser
Release Date: April 17, 2025
Host: Headgum
Guests: Jon Glaser
Duration: Approximately 83 minutes

---

1. Nostalgia and Modern GPS Systems

The conversation kicks off with a nostalgic dive into the evolution of GPS systems. Jon Glaser and David Cross reminisce about the distinctive clicking sounds of older GPS devices, reflecting on how modern technology often retains these auditory elements purely for sentimental reasons rather than functionality.

David Cross [04:01]: "Whatever, something inside the car in the 30s, 40s, 50s that made it made a clicking sound for your directional."

2. Reality TV: Authenticity vs. Manufactured Drama

Glaser and Cross delve into the world of reality television, comparing shows like Impractical Jokers and Wonder Showzen to more dramatized programs such as Below Deck. They discuss the fine line between genuine interactions and producer-driven storylines, emphasizing the importance of authenticity in reality-based content.

Jon Glaser [18:20]: "They have a way that you and I and our friends have done ... just kind of messing with them."

3. Personal Reflections: Parenting and Emotional Milestones

A heartfelt segment unfolds as Jon Glaser shares his emotional journey of dropping his son off at Columbia College. The discussion touches on the intense emotions parents experience during such milestones, the challenges of maintaining composure in public settings, and the profound sense of loss and pride that accompanies sending a child off to college.

Jon Glaser [30:31]: "We had a thing. In some ways, I'm thankful for it."

4. The Joys and Quirks of Dog Ownership

Glaser and Cross transition to lighter topics, sharing amusing anecdotes about their dogs. They explore the intricacies of dog park dynamics, the creativity involved in naming pets, and the amusing behaviors that dogs exhibit in public. The conversation highlights the blend of affection and humor that comes with being a dog owner.

Jon Glaser [44:30]: "How old is she now? ... She's a Bernadoodle."

5. Sports Fervor: Highs and Lows

The duo passionately discusses their favorite sports, recounting memorable moments like Max Scherzer's no-hitter and the emotional rollercoaster of supporting teams like the Detroit Lions and the Atlanta Falcons. They reflect on the camaraderie and heartbreak that sports bring, sharing personal stories that illustrate their deep connection to athletic pursuits.

Jon Glaser [40:42]: "I was with my son, his buddy, and the buddy's dad ..."

6. Culinary Adventures: Exploring Pizza Joints

Food becomes a focal point as Glaser and Cross exchange recommendations for pizza establishments with unique names and exceptional flavors. They discuss local favorites such as Pizza Secret, Home Slice, and Paulie G's, debating the merits of different pizza styles and the impact of a restaurant's name on its popularity.

Jon Glaser [59:03]: "It's so good. But it was one of those things where we had never tried it because of the name."

7. Humor and Improvisation: Creating Comedy on the Fly

Injecting humor into the conversation, Glaser and Cross engage in improvisational jokes and create fictional scenarios. They invent characters like "Blumpy" and weave absurd narratives involving "jizzled popcorn," showcasing their comedic chemistry and ability to entertain through spontaneous banter.

Jon Glaser [65:15]: "That's jizzled popcorn. Yo, ho ho."

8. Engaging with Listeners: Q&A Segment

Towards the end of the episode, Jon Glaser introduces a question from his daughter: "Why do metal things catch on fire in a microwave?" Both hosts ponder the inquiry, emphasizing the value of admitting uncertainty and encouraging curiosity among listeners.

Jon Glaser [81:26]: "John, why do metal things catch on fire in a microwave?"

9. Closing Remarks and Future Episodes

Wrapping up the episode, David Cross provides credits, acknowledging the contributions of the production team and inviting listeners to explore more Headgum podcasts. The hosts humorously reflect on their lengthy and multifaceted discussion, hinting at the diverse topics covered throughout the episode.

David Cross [83:11]: "The end sense is working overtime is a Headgum podcast created and hosted by me, David Cross."

---

Notable Quotes:

• David Cross [10:00]: "Personally, I don't know. That might be a turn off to me. Unless there's a way to turn that aspect of the thing off."

• Jon Glaser [25:15]: "What's up?"

• David Cross [37:45]: "How do you reach that emotion? I know you're an actor, but how do you reach that emotional level like a year prior?"

• Jon Glaser [78:15]: "But there is a lot of. You know, when we got Gatsby, I started doing with our old dog we never did off leash because she just was never socialized."

---

Key Takeaways:

• Emotional Depth: The episode balances humor with deep, personal stories, particularly highlighting the emotional journey of parenting and witnessing significant life transitions.

• Cultural Commentary: Through discussions on reality TV and sports, Glaser and Cross offer insights into societal preferences for authenticity versus dramatization.

• Relatability: Topics such as pet ownership, sports fandom, and culinary experiences resonate with a broad audience, fostering a sense of connection and shared experience.

• Comedic Chemistry: The hosts' ability to seamlessly transition between serious topics and comedic improvisation underscores their strong rapport and improvisational skills.

• Listener Engagement: By including questions from family members, the podcast fosters a sense of community and invites listeners to think critically about everyday phenomena.

---

Conclusion: In this engaging episode of Senses Working Overtime with David Cross, hosts David Cross and Jon Glaser navigate a tapestry of topics ranging from nostalgic technology and heartfelt parenting moments to the joys of dog ownership and the thrills of sports. Their blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and thoughtful discussions offers listeners a rich and entertaining experience, encapsulating the essence of spontaneous and meaningful conversation.

Transcript

[David Cross]

This is a headgum podcast with new McValue and McDonald's. You get more than you expect for breakfast. Like buy a sausage burrito and add a sausage McMuffin for a dollar. Get more than you expect with new MCvalue at McDonald's. Prices and participation may vary.

[John Glaser]

Ballot for item of equal or lesser value.

[David Cross]

Craving your next action packed adventure? Audible delivers thrills of every kind on your command. Like Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir where a lone astronaut must save humanity from extinct. Narrated with stunning intensity by Ray Porter. From electrifying suspense and daring quests to spine tingling horror and romance in far off realms, unleash your adventure aside with gripping titles that'll keep you guessing. Discover exclusive Audible originals, hotly anticipated new releases and must listen bestsellers that hook you from the first minute. Because Audible knows there's no greater thrill than the one that speaks to to you. Discover what lies beyond the edge of your seat. Start your free 30 day trial at audible.com wonderyus that's audible.com wondery us. Do you mind if I'm just gonna make myself cold brew real quick and take either one of these seats? Don't tell me. Let me be surprised.

[John Glaser]

Oh, boy.

[David Cross]

And you can start.

[John Glaser]

Oh, okay.

[David Cross]

Start talking.

[John Glaser]

Let's see here. Talk about. Guess I'll have a seat here. This one seems pretty good. Maybe we can do a fun thing, you know, where while I'm waiting, you know, we come in and out of the audio and maybe kind of do a little thing where it comes in and out of. Maybe that'll be fun. Maybe that'll be a fun thing. Oh, maybe you can hear. It was Rage against the Machine. Here we go. Fishbone. Can you hear that?

[David Cross]

Great, great. I like it. Do I need headphones to hear it? I put my phone on buzz.

[John Glaser]

Oh, yeah, let me do the.

[David Cross]

It's funny because you can.

[John Glaser]

This better be funny.

[David Cross]

Well, it. I mean there's. It's relative. Funny is relative. Let's. I know it's. You can always tell when there's a new sponsor because when you go to the fridge, it's just like loaded with Mike's hard lemonade or whatever that new. One of those new sodas is that they try to Poppy. It's. That's one. There's like nine of them.

[John Glaser]

Poppy.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

Should be one. I don't know why the first name.

[David Cross]

Oh, get your mic up there if you can. I mean, Chris, is that gonna be.

[John Glaser]

Wow, look at those cameras. Really nice.

[David Cross]

This seems like a good mic. Shindon PFX140 mics. Oh, do you want a thing? Oh, no, you're good.

[John Glaser]

Should I put headphones on?

[David Cross]

Does it matter? You don't have to.

[John Glaser]

Jesus Christ. Well, I guess.

[David Cross]

What do you.

[John Glaser]

How's that? That's pretty good.

[David Cross]

You know, maybe so I can see you. All right. What is the point of this anyway?

[John Glaser]

I have no idea. It is.

[David Cross]

It is just decorative. It is, right? I think it's just decorative. And what's on the bottom here? So. So you don't accidentally.

[John Glaser]

Just to let everyone know. It's. There's no plug head gum.

[David Cross]

I think I can still hear you. So this is. You know what? This is like a design that's left over from when it was necessary. They probably stopped doing them. And people went, hey, where's the cube at the end? And so they had to start making cubes, even though they don't serve a practical purpose. It's like the click sound in the. In a car when you. On your turn signal. That is a. Yeah, that is. You know, used to be the sound came from a real thing, then they took it away when they. When they came up with electronics. This is for real.

[John Glaser]

When you say the sound came from a real thing, what do you mean?

[David Cross]

Whatever, something inside the car in the 30s, 40s, 50s that made it made a clicking sound for your directional. And then Whenever, I don't know, 70s, 80s, they came up with a computer chip thing to send the light signal. And then people were like, hey, it's not making a sound. And they're like, oh, yeah, you don't need it because. And people were like, I want the sound back.

[John Glaser]

I like the sound back. I like the sound.

[David Cross]

Yeah, so it's in there just even though you don't need it.

[John Glaser]

I'm also curious if there's like. If the sound. Much like all the sounds we have now, like, with our phones and alerts, if that was researched, like, what's the most pleasing? Like, first it was just. And then. Are there variations in that?

[David Cross]

Like.

[John Glaser]

Well, I have all just clicks without.

[David Cross]

It's like the old Garmin. You know, the map quest type things where you get them for your car. Like the. I think one was named Tomcat or something like that. And Garmin. And then you could get like fake celebrity voices. And I think the click clacks used to be like Joan Rivers Go. You know, like, things like that. And then. And different people like Red Fox. So that was an option for a while in some of the cars. The Sel Knight X package.

[John Glaser]

No, no. Yeah.

[David Cross]

Click Click, click, click, click, click, click. Rob Schneider. Clicky, clicky.

[John Glaser]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[David Cross]

And you just go on forever.

[John Glaser]

I had a really stupid old idea for like, some kind of GPS thing called Magellan. And it just. The voice. I turn the left to here. Are you missing a turn?

[David Cross]

What are you doing? That's pretty. You're right. It's pretty. Pretty bad. Pretty bad idea. I'd love to see you go into the offices and go and just pitch that idea.

[John Glaser]

Go into the offices of just like.

[David Cross]

Well, there is like a gps, you know, Magellan.

[John Glaser]

You know, there really is a Magellan one, Right. Hey, guys, I should just tell my reps, just get me a meeting with Magellan. Just tell them I have an idea to pitch. Don't tell them what it is. And then I'll just show up and I'll be dressed like a Magellan. Get a really good costume, and then fight them.

[David Cross]

Then assume that if they don't like the idea, it's because you would be doing the voice and you're like, no, no, I'm just giving you an example. We would hire, like, we'll get someone good.

[John Glaser]

We'll get, you know, we can even Chris Pratt or I would even say, let's, you know, whoever is the best, like, Italian actor. Let's not take a job away from Italian actors. Let's give this to an Italian.

[David Cross]

Right.

[John Glaser]

And so I understand. Yeah. If you're reservation. It's not going to be me. I just put the costume on to help you out. Yeah. I want you to visualize it. You know, I did some research. Like, I worked on my accent. I think it's close. Hey, what do you do? Like.

[David Cross]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Glaser]

I imagine that's what Magellan. Probably we're gonna go this way. You follow the sun at the compass. So. Yeah, but we'll get an Italian, don't.

[David Cross]

Yeah, yeah. That's the way to do it. And I learned when I was in Italy, I went to Bologna with Amber. And who's Amber? She is my current wife. She's pretty good. Pretty good.

[John Glaser]

She's Italian, Is she?

[David Cross]

What?

[John Glaser]

She's Italian.

[David Cross]

No, no, no. But we went there because we both like Mortadella.

[John Glaser]

Got it.

[David Cross]

And I learned that in Italian. I didn't know this until that trip. They pronounce every letter that's in the word. So you know how we have silent K's inside? They don't have any silent letters. They pronounce everything. They pronounce the might be a silent E at the end. It's not silent to Them, I think that's very telling.

[John Glaser]

In what way?

[David Cross]

They're loud, they're chatty, they're resourceful.

[John Glaser]

I was going to say. Yeah, that's. They're.

[David Cross]

They're not wasting any.

[John Glaser]

Yeah. Don't waste a letter. Don't. Why do I have to. Don't waste an opportunity.

[David Cross]

There's no knuckle. That's just N, U, C, K, L, E. Why. But you know what I mean in English.

[John Glaser]

Do you want a canuckle? A sandwich?

[David Cross]

Yeah, that's right.

[John Glaser]

That's. And that's the other. That's the other nice thing about Magellan is you learn.

[David Cross]

It's a learning opportunity.

[John Glaser]

Well, it also. Yeah, we would program. It is. You'd get directions but then it would also sense like I make a left turn here next to right, 100 yards. Are you hungry? Stop and get some food. Don't forget to hydrate.

[David Cross]

I don't know about that part. Personally, I don't know. That might be a turn off to me. Unless there's a way to turn that aspect of the thing off.

[John Glaser]

Yes, there is. Always. You can turn those features. You can turn off the features that you don't want.

[David Cross]

Okay, so you're saying it's a bonus. It's part of the package. You can take it or leave it.

[John Glaser]

Correct. But it forces you. You have to speak to it. If you want it turned off, you have to speak to it in Italian. So actually to put this feature on there, it actually forces you to learn a language or at least learn segments of a language. Like you can learn how to say I don't want that or turn that feature off. Magellan. And you always have to call it Magellan.

[David Cross]

Okay.

[John Glaser]

Magellan.

[David Cross]

Out of respect.

[John Glaser]

I think so.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

He's a great explorer. Circumnavigator. I don't know if that's the proper term. A circumnavnavigator.

[David Cross]

I think probably navigator.

[John Glaser]

Yeah.

[David Cross]

I think if you circumnavigate something, you're going around, you're avoiding it.

[John Glaser]

Got it.

[David Cross]

I think. I don't know Italian or maritime law, but I think it's that.

[John Glaser]

That was a really good lull right there and I was hoping you were not. We would just. The rest of the podcast would just be silence and just the occasional just.

[David Cross]

If this was just visual, then yeah, that'd be great. Love to do that. Be like the Patience episode of Wonder Shows.

[John Glaser]

Wonder Shozen.

[David Cross]

Genius.

[John Glaser]

Incredible. I was just telling someone about slaves built the pyramids.

[David Cross]

We were talking one of fairly recent Guests. Not too long ago, we were talking about Wonder Shozen. It was Edie Modica. Edie, yes. Yeah. Just. Oh, she. That's what was so fascinating. You know, we're both old and we run into these kids. And by kids, I mean, you know, 20s, early 30s, whatever. And she was talking about how she watched that in middle school, watched Wonder shows, and knew that it was like. It was interesting. Cause she's like, wait a second. Like, she was old enough to know. This is, I don't think, the level of subversiveness, but it wasn't. It was like an adult thing, but it was still a kid's thing. But it was really interesting to hear her take on it, because it never even occurred to me that when we were making it 20 plus years later, there'd be kids watching it as a kid show, you know, and she ended up or interning on Harchie Holler.

[John Glaser]

Oh, wow.

[David Cross]

Yeah. You were on that, right?

[John Glaser]

I did a couple episodes of it. Did she tell them? Did she talk to those guys about it?

[David Cross]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John Glaser]

That's really funny.

[David Cross]

Yeah, it was really interesting. And then the fact that they did a segment. I don't know if it's because they ran out of time or whatever. They did the horse apple segment and then just dedicated a whole show to horse apples.

[John Glaser]

Horse apples was. I would always tell those guys, please or not tell them, but beg them, like, please just do a horse apples show.

[David Cross]

Oh, so they did. That was your idea.

[John Glaser]

Well, I'm sure they were already thinking of it, but for me, just as a fan, I just wanted to see a whole episode of just all that just dumb shit. And I think it sort of Heart She Holler maybe was the version of it. Not really Horsey Holler.

[David Cross]

Yeah, well, I mean, it's adjacent to that. It was like, gosh, I don't know. It was like if Mary Hartman. Mary Hartman was, you know, like, Mary Hartman. Mary Hartman.

[John Glaser]

You're gonna say this is the perfect analogy.

[David Cross]

Yeah, I mean, it's. It is a. It's taking the piss out of those soap operas, but it's also a soap opera, you know, And Harshie Holler had a whole story to it, and you didn't know. You know, you had to investigate and figure out what was going on. But it was kind of surreal, fantastic, but kind of loosely based in Appalachian, you know, dumb certitude.

[John Glaser]

Did you do, you know, the thing in Wonder Chosen where they. I think they focus. Grouped horse apples with that, like, group of guys, and then they brought him in later and showed them the episode where they're focus grouping.

[David Cross]

Yeah, they did that. That's a thing. You can see that, right?

[John Glaser]

Yes, pretty sure.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

Yeah. It was in one of the episodes, I believe. And what they did was. So when they brought these guys back, they put me in the room with them. I was in Horse Apple.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

So they put me in the room with like. I had a disguise and was just supposed to be like another guy. And it was. I remember we drove out. I can't remember where it was. Maybe in New Jersey somewhere. We went to some mall. I put my disguise on. We went to the place. I was so scared that they were gonna. At some point someone was gonna like. Like watching. Once they realized they were watching themselves.

[David Cross]

Right.

[John Glaser]

And that they were being fucked with.

[David Cross]

Yes.

[John Glaser]

I was waiting for some kind of. Either like, hey, what the fuck's going on? And then I was waiting for them to like, somehow hold on a second. That guy is. You're in a disguise. And then they were going to beat the shit out of me or something. I was so. I was really nervous that I was getting that. Yeah, the shit beat out of me. And then the. And then also I just tried to keep quiet because I felt like once I started talking, I'd have to. So, who are you? How come you weren't here last time? Where do you live? Where are you from? And I'd have to. Crazy.

[David Cross]

What was the purpose of you being there just for the off chance that they might recognize you?

[John Glaser]

I think so. I think it was just to see what happens if. And it was funny for a little bit. And then I was genuinely nervous about getting beat up or having some kind of confrontation. But nothing happened. And not only did nothing happen, they all just seemed amused by it, which is kind of great that they weren't mad. Although I can't tell where they just. I don't know, they all just rolled.

[David Cross]

Do you ever see Impractical Jokers?

[John Glaser]

Very little of it.

[David Cross]

Oh, I love it. It's. I. I mean, I can watch, you know, five episodes in a row. I really enjoy it. But I'm. There are occasions where I'm like, that's fucking risky. That is really risky. And. And I'm just surprised that somebody didn't, like, just clock one of those guys.

[John Glaser]

Have they. Has that ever happened and they just haven't aired it? I can only imagine. I don't know. And I have to.

[David Cross]

I don't think so. I know those guys now. I did an episode Covid era and I had a. I Had a blast. It was really fun. And what I really love about the show is they just. With themselves, it's not. It's not like punking, you know, an innocent person, you know, but you can, you can see sometimes, like, they shot a bunch of stuff at Fairway. The grocery store in Red Hook or the. I think Red Hook because I recognize the. Not the one on 23rd or in Manhattan. I'm pretty sure it was the one in Red Hook. And, and you can. And also it's New York. So people just. There's not the, the thing that people in other regions might give somebody the benefit of the doubt or be a little more polite about something. And there's just kind of a, you know, what the fuck's your problem? You know, like old lady. Like, which I. Which I admire. You know, it's like not. Not letting them get away with this weird thing.

[John Glaser]

Yeah, I haven't, I. I don't know. I haven't watched too much of it. I still. That kind of stuff. I don't know. I don't, I don't love it. It still feels like there's a level, but they're still fucking with other people. Like, it's making people, like, uncomfortable and like, doing shit. They're not necessarily the butt of the joke, but I don't know, it still feels like.

[David Cross]

I think they're very careful about. Nobody at any time is in any danger. They're not really being made fun of. When you step back from it, there are these challenges. There are things that you and I and our friends, our peers have done with each other multiple times where you're not hurting somebody, you're just kind of messing with them. You know what I mean?

[John Glaser]

Like, I know what you're saying. Like, it's like getting in an elevator and there's a stranger and like. Yeah, so I don't know. I mean, the guy. Whatever. You can make a dumb joke you.

[David Cross]

Want, but do you say data or data like the. One of them is on the Star Trek show? I know. Well, at my house we say Da Ta. And for the longest time, I thought paying a fortune on my monthly data plan was just normal. That was until I found out about Mint Mobile and their premium wireless plans that start at just 15 bucks a month. Say goodbye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw dropping monthly bills and unexpected overages. Mint Mobile or Mobile is here to rescue you. All plans come with high speed Da Ta or Tate or tattoo, your choice. And unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts. Ditch overpriced wireless and get three months of premium wireless service from Mint Mobile from 15 bucks a month. No matter how you say it, don't overpay for it. Shop D'[e-mail] senses that's mintmobile.com senses upfront payment of $45 for three month five gigabyte plan required. It's the equivalent to about $15 a month. New customer offer for first three months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees. Extra cement mobile for details.

[John Glaser]

It still feels like this level of uncomfortable, making people uncomfortable. I don't know.

[David Cross]

Well, there is a degree.

[John Glaser]

Not for me.

[David Cross]

I'll just say, okay, there's a degree of discomfort because it's odd. Like, like, what was the one? Like, they're the. Like they send somebody, you know, they, they kind of have these challenges that if the. There's one loser out of the four or five of them, you know, and the loser has to do this real kind of like much more. I don't want to say risky, but like putting yourself out there kind of thing where, you know, you have to get four people to agree to do this thing and, or to say yes or whatever the thing is. And I don't know, I just. It's. It's about the kind of air quote safest of those pranking shows. I think it's clever. They're great and they're very nice guys. They are there. And it's not about. It's. It's less about fucking with that person over there and fucking with the person you're sending over of your friends to go. And it's. And again, it's stuff we. You and I have definitely done it a million times. You know the thing where I had the. I made a bit out of it when we were in Seattle for Bummershoot and I got the S and M mask from the, from the sex store and I wore it on the plane. Like that's kind of a thing, right?

[John Glaser]

I guess so. It still feels like, like that reminds me there was a Second City touring company when I was doing it and there was just some like really awesomely, hilariously terrible like perm wig in the prop bag.

[David Cross]

Right?

[John Glaser]

And they all took turns. Like they were at the back of the plane and they all took turns like, all right, everyone has to take a turn putting the wig on and just walk to the front of the plane down the middle of. Turn around and walk back. Don't make eye contact with anyone. Just looking straight ahead.

[David Cross]

I love that.

[John Glaser]

And then they'd go back, and then the next person would go, sure. Like, something like that seems. I don't know. I guess that's still that impractical Joker's level of.

[David Cross]

But it's still. It's.

[John Glaser]

You're not. They're not engaging anybody, which is why it felt funnier and impractical Joker still felt like it's.

[David Cross]

Well, they're definitely engaging people. I mean, that's part of what they're. It would be kind of boring if it wasn't. If it was just, hey, put on this wig and walk back and forth.

[John Glaser]

But it still feels like it's got. Because of that. It just. I don't know. It's not my. Okay, let's agree to disagree on.

[David Cross]

Well, there's no disagree. I just. I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm just. That's your take on it. And I'm saying I don't have that experience.

[John Glaser]

Yeah.

[David Cross]

So that's not a disagreement. You're not saying the show's bad.

[John Glaser]

It's just. Yeah, it's not.

[David Cross]

You're saying it's not for you.

[John Glaser]

It's not for me.

[David Cross]

Yeah. What. What kind of show is for you?

[John Glaser]

I don't know what I haven't really watched. I'm trying to think of below deck.

[David Cross]

You like below deck?

[John Glaser]

What's below deck?

[David Cross]

Stop it. Stop it. Don't even. Don't even pretend.

[John Glaser]

I really don't watch shows. What is below deck? Is this a reality show?

[David Cross]

Huh? That's interesting that you grabbed that out of the air of all the genres of show. No, it's anime. It's like manga. Manga. Manga. Manga. Manga, sure. Make America not great again. It's. No, it's a reality show about people who work on. They're like private cruises, right? Like small yachts. Yeah, yeah. And it's different. People come in. Right? Different people. Like, oh, you've got the. So it's not a massive yacht. It's not a cruise. Carnival Cruise type thing, but it is a. You know, it's for wealthy people, and it's just all the. Oh, God. Hang on.

[John Glaser]

Amber.

[David Cross]

It's Amber. Yeah. Hey, hang on. Let me put you on speaker.

[John Glaser]

Oh, here we go. I hope she talks Italian.

[David Cross]

What's up?

[John Glaser]

Oh, do you have a second?

[David Cross]

Sure. I'm doing a podcast with Glaser, but yeah, we can. What do you need?

[John Glaser]

Were you talking? Talking in an Italian Accent. I really feel like talking in Italian accent.

[David Cross]

You can just take me off. I think Glaser's like, a real piece.

[John Glaser]

Of shit, and I think you should try to cancel. Like, if you could stop the interview. How do you. Can you, like, get him out of the room?

[David Cross]

Amber, you're not selling this. And now everybody's going to think this is a bit. And I asked you to call. I blew it. I blew it. I blew it. Subtlety, honey. Subtlety.

[John Glaser]

No, I have a question about summer vacation.

[David Cross]

Hi, Glazer. Call me later. Bye. Okay, bye.

[John Glaser]

The A show. I haven't watched it in a while, but a show that I really enjoyed was Alone.

[David Cross]

Oh, that's great. Yeah, Amber got me into that.

[John Glaser]

That's.

[David Cross]

I really like that show.

[John Glaser]

So good.

[David Cross]

That's a reality show. Yeah, but it's also real reality. And Below Deck is just drama made up, you know, so it's. It's. That's why I said it, because it's in that world of that thing.

[John Glaser]

It sounds.

[David Cross]

And you wouldn't like it.

[John Glaser]

I'm sure. Below Deck. It sounds like it just has that. That's what it sounded like.

[David Cross]

It. That's what it is. It's the. But it's all, like, kind of manufactured or, you know, you know, poked at. You know, what's the word I'm looking for when they. When the producers are like, hey, she said something about it.

[John Glaser]

Drama. Yeah.

[David Cross]

Kind of half manufactured, but half, like, goosed. Like, you should go talk to her. That was, you know, that kind of thing. And Alone is great. Yeah, I'm a big fan of that. And. And I. When you get to those last couple episodes, it's kind of heartbreaking that somebody has to go. And especially. Especially when it's about health and, like, you may die if you don't, you know, and they're like, I. I was doing so well and, you know, and it's like, you know, we can't risk your organ shutting down. And, you know, but, man, it's. I've. I've really enjoyed that show and I won't give anything away but this. It's. I don't know. I can't remember which series, but the one where. It's the. They. They kind of rejiggered the premise so that you had to stay for a hundred days. Was that it?

[John Glaser]

I don't know.

[David Cross]

It's one of the later series, but this.

[John Glaser]

Of Alone.

[David Cross]

Of Alone. Yeah. So you have to stay. There's no. If everyone taps out, they will not come get you. Like they do in the other series where you just wait and wait and wait, and sometimes, you know, you just have to go. Or. No, maybe it's just being the last. No, that's what it. I'm sorry. I think you have to. I think it's 100 days and. And people leave, you know, and they don't know if they're. If everyone's gone. Because if everyone's gone and you. I don't. Forget it. It's a really good one. Sorry, sorry. I only have half the information. I apologize. But alone is great.

[John Glaser]

But. All right. I was about to speculate, but it's not even worth it.

[David Cross]

No, you should. It's called something like the $100,000 challenge or the 100 day challenge, the series that. The year they did it was like, three, four years ago.

[John Glaser]

But it's. It's alone. It's not a different show.

[David Cross]

No, it's alone. Yeah. And it's really good. And it's.

[John Glaser]

Yeah, it's a completely compelling show. You're watching people with actual skill, which is also. That's what I liked about. Oh, my God. Can't believe Project Runway.

[David Cross]

Oh, I never watched that.

[John Glaser]

It was great. I really liked it because you're really seeing some talented people with plenty of skill. I loved Tim. Tim Gunn.

[David Cross]

Yep, yep.

[John Glaser]

I always enjoyed him.

[David Cross]

And are you a Top Chef person?

[John Glaser]

Not. Not regularly, no.

[David Cross]

I like Chef.

[John Glaser]

Also a good show.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

Also great to watch. People with actual skill, I really like. Did you ever see. What was it called? It was Amy Poehler, Nick Offerman, shows about crafting.

[David Cross]

I didn't, but I know what you're talking about.

[John Glaser]

It was great.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

Also some very talented people. I like. I haven't watched. I don't watch shows religiously, and I haven' a scripted show in a while. I know there's a lot of good ones, but I just haven't watched one great one.

[David Cross]

Severance is.

[John Glaser]

I heard Severance great. I never saw Succession, which I know people love.

[David Cross]

Great. Really good. Really, really good.

[John Glaser]

I don't know why I'm so terrible about watching shows. I watch a lot of sports.

[David Cross]

Yeah, me. Me too. But there's, like, some downtime. Unless. What are your. You're, like more of a basketball guy.

[John Glaser]

I kind of like. I like soccer. I was watching a lot. You know, my son just. He's a freshman in college now. Wow. Which is crazy.

[David Cross]

Crazy.

[John Glaser]

It's pretty strange. That was the biggest. The. His last week of high school. That week was one of the biggest mind I've ever experienced. Just all of a sudden, to have that moment, just be here.

[David Cross]

Bob described dropping his daughter off at. Which is. You know, he's got two kids, Aaron's the youngest, and dropping her off at college and driving away, balling.

[John Glaser]

We had a thing. In some ways, I'm thankful for it. It was very funny when we dropped Nathan at school.

[David Cross]

Where'd he go? Where's he going?

[John Glaser]

He's in Chicago at Columbia College.

[David Cross]

Okay.

[John Glaser]

We went to Chicago for. You know, and for me, that was. I really did not anticipate him going away. I thought he was going to stay here, go to a cuny, which is. He had looked at a bunch, gotten to a few of them, and then he just. They went to Columbia to look at it, and he and Leslie, and he just loved it, and he really liked it.

[David Cross]

Yeah, Chicago's great.

[John Glaser]

Chicago is awesome.

[David Cross]

And you're away from home, but you're not too far away from home. And it's kind of a perfect stitch for.

[John Glaser]

He wanted that he wanted. And I didn't really realize how much. And maybe he. I don't know if even he did until he went to look at the school and they looked at a few other schools outside of the city, and that one just really resonated for him. I think he liked a city school as opposed to more like rural campus. But that. Yeah. The two things that were. I mean, that week leading up to high school or his graduation was just. You remember that. You know the old video, the. Yes. Owner of a Lonely Heart. Remember that video? There's scenes where they're, like. They come in and they're grabbing the guy and they're taking him out of his office, and he keeps, like, having those, like. Like. Like, he's getting shocked.

[David Cross]

I don't remember.

[John Glaser]

But he had these, like, physical spasms. And I felt like I was having those moments over and over and over again. I'd just be walking my dog and then just like, oh, my God. Just that It's. Holy shit. This moment is here.

[David Cross]

What's happened in my life.

[John Glaser]

Yeah, it's.

[David Cross]

It's. I can't get it back. I cannot get it back. I'm done. There's no reason to live anymore.

[John Glaser]

I walked to a bridge. I contemplated jumping my dog.

[David Cross]

Wait, I know where you live. Which bridge?

[John Glaser]

It was. Well, it was. It was an archway in Prospect Park.

[David Cross]

It wasn't one of the. Want to kill yourself? You just wanted to, like, break your.

[John Glaser]

Wrist or just, like, hurt myself so I could have an excuse to feel bad. But I did have a Lot of. Just. Yeah, I was on a bike ride once I. In the park that week and I had to pull over and just get off my bike because I was crying so hard. But the. When we dropped him at school, this I thought was very funny. So we. We said goodbye and it was kind of like not a very well planned moment where we were just going from the street to say goodbye. And then he walked back to his dorm and we got the Uber to go to the airport. And I kind of, you know, hindsight or wish we had maybe just said goodbye and then went up to the hotel room for a minute just so we could have that sob. And now we're just in this minivan with a driver and Freddy's with us and I'm not sure.

[David Cross]

Freddie must be what, six?

[John Glaser]

Thirteen.

[David Cross]

Thirteen. Okay.

[John Glaser]

She just turned 13. So, you know, to have two teenagers is also strange. But we get in the. We, you know, we say goodbye to Nate. Leslie and I are both just, you know, muffles trying not to just explode with crying in front of the stranger in his minivan. And I don't know if he's sure he's used to it, I guess like just people getting in. Well, the car and crying.

[David Cross]

Well, if they're dropping. Oh, he's not part of a shuttle. He's just.

[John Glaser]

No, we called an Uber.

[David Cross]

I gotcha. Gotcha.

[John Glaser]

And he had his GPS turned up and I don't know, he was Asian and so his GPS was speaking difficult, but it was so loud. It was probably maximum volume. And every turn was screaming loud in, I think Chinese. And it made me laugh so hard. It just broke the tension of. And I was in the front seat and I'm just trying, just, you know, just like.

[David Cross]

Right.

[John Glaser]

Just trying not to scream. Cry. And then just this screaming from his phone and it just made me laugh so hard. But then we went from there to Michigan. This was actually two back to back heavy duty weeks of dropping my son at college and then flying right to Michigan for a short visit for Leslie and Freddie. And then they went home and I stuck around to help. My stepmom basically finished packing her house because she was moving since my dad died, which was eight years prior. So that was two very intense weeks, just intense emotions and was pretty wild. But I remember just when we got to my mom's that day after dropping Nate, and my mom's house is, you know, tchotchkes everywhere and photos everywhere and of course tons of photos of Nate as a baby. And I just sobbed. I just lost it. And I'd been losing it all.

[David Cross]

How was Freddy, during all this, understanding, or did she feel the same way or.

[John Glaser]

She was rolling with it pretty well. She wasn't emotionally upset or. I think it was a little strange.

[David Cross]

Smart kid.

[John Glaser]

Well, it was. I had to be very mindful. I mean, I'm a real crier. One of my favorite memories of our wedding was just giving a speech and starting to get emotional. And I think it was Bobby Tisdale started a cry, cry, cry, cry chant. And I really had to be mindful of not constantly sobbing in front of Nate. Not that I'm. I don't mind. I don't have a problem crying in front of him. But the amount that I was crying, like, leading up to his graduation and.

[David Cross]

The intensity of it, I mean, it also dehydrates you. And then you get cranky. You get headaches.

[John Glaser]

Well, I told them. And I would say that while I take salt pills, I'm just so, you know, gonna be. This is dehydrating me, which will make me extra cranky later. I took salt tablets while I was crying. Okay, that's. Yeah. I recommend that for any parents of future collegiate human beings. Hydrate and have salt tablets when you dry patients.

[David Cross]

And Molly. A little bit of Molly will kind of right the ship, as it were.

[John Glaser]

Yeah. Just, you know, and I would really spend. I would take the year leading up to that moment and get your dosage right. Experiment. Really get it dialed in and tuned in.

[David Cross]

How. How do you. How do you get. How do you reach that emotion? I know you're an actor, but how do you reach that emotional level like a year prior? How do you. How do you get there?

[John Glaser]

I don't know. That's what I'm saying. Like, just start experimenting with. I'm just specifically talking about if you're going to do Molly in that moment.

[David Cross]

Okay. Oh, you're. Oh, I thought you meant with the salt pills and all that stuff.

[John Glaser]

Oh, no, no. I just was going off. You saying Molly. I'm like, yeah, just, you know, get it dialed in before you don't just start doing it that week.

[David Cross]

Yeah, I'm. Okay, Got it. I understand. Yeah. So you gotta.

[John Glaser]

But same thing with the hydration. Get that dialed in.

[David Cross]

Be expensive because you got to get a good supply because you're going to be experimenting with it, and you need to know your dosage. And every. Every batch is going to be different. So you have to kind of get a month's worth, like 12 times to. To start with and go, okay, this is just. If you get lucky.

[John Glaser]

Yeah, and I would also.

[David Cross]

You don't get lucky.

[John Glaser]

Well, listen, I mean, it's a lot of trial and error. I'd also recommend getting a dog long walks in the woods with the dog. Then you can experiment with the drugs and.

[David Cross]

What woods do you go to?

[John Glaser]

I live near Prospect park in Brooklyn, and I do spend a ton of time there with my dog. Long walks, trail runs, hikes. It's the best.

[David Cross]

Is your dog like yourself? Does your dog have a lot of gear? Like, when you go out running, hit, hit the trail. Like two grand worth of outerwear, Patagonia stuff.

[John Glaser]

He has a good harness. He has a good winter coat. I actually was thinking of getting him some booties.

[David Cross]

Sure.

[John Glaser]

We used to have those for our old dog. Not the rubber. You know, the balloon ones. Those aren't.

[David Cross]

They'll chew them right off, too.

[John Glaser]

They're just. They don't. They're not durable. They're throwing them away. But I did think about getting him some, like, some trail booties for. He's had some abrasions in the sand, like running on the beach. The webbing between his.

[David Cross]

Do you take him to Dog Beach?

[John Glaser]

No. Do you know there's that little dog beach in Prospect Park?

[David Cross]

That's what I was talking about.

[John Glaser]

No, that water just seems nasty and filthy. And there's always signs.

[David Cross]

Dog used to love it.

[John Glaser]

Really?

[David Cross]

Yeah. And there's geese just beyond the fence, so the dogs kind of have something to freak out about. You know what happened today, this morning? Never seen this before, ever. Really? I had taken our new dog to the dog run. It's down on Pacific. It's the closest one to me. And there was a dog I hadn't seen before. I don't know what kind, but kind of husky. Ish. With Max Scherzer eyes. You know, one blue one, one, like, green or whatever.

[John Glaser]

Side note, I saw Max Scherzer throw a no hitter.

[David Cross]

Did you?

[John Glaser]

At Citi Field against the Mets.

[David Cross]

Wow.

[John Glaser]

It was pretty fucking cool.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

Anyway.

[David Cross]

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure I saw a no hitter, but it was where they. It was like three a three man, no hitter. So it was not quite the same thing, but, yeah, it's very cool.

[John Glaser]

This was incredible. This.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

And, like, I was with my son, his buddy, and the buddy's dad, who's not into sports. None of them gave a shit. And I was like, you got. And then the whole drive home. Do you guys realize what you saw? What we just saw? And they just did not care. 17 strikeouts.

[David Cross]

It was infuriating. It really is. I. If. If I can't. Like, I remember when Amber and I were living in Dumbo, and it was the. What year? 2015, maybe NFC championship, where Atlanta and San Francisco, and it came down to, like, the last throw and Tony Gonzalez. That's a while ago. Tony Gonzalez was her tight end. And they would have won the game or pulled ahead with, like, mere seconds left. Won the game. But something. Something happened. It was Matt Ryan to Tony Gonzalez. Something happened. He didn't catch the ball. The ball wasn't caught, whatever. And they lost. They didn't go to the super bowl. And. And I was really bummed out. And Amber just, like, so. Not mean, but just dismissive of it, like, oh, come. You know, there's next year. Like, you don't understand how this works. They went. They went to the super bowl once in 98. You know how long ago that was? And got smoked, and they may not go again. You can live a lifetime and they don't go.

[John Glaser]

I've been dealing with that. This last. Oh, Detroit with the Lions because of last year, where it felt like. Like that NFC Championship game, like they're going to the Super Bowl. I can't fucking believe it. And then they blew it. And then this year.

[David Cross]

This year seemed like a lock.

[John Glaser]

Oh, man. Just still like the defense was decimated.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

You know, you're watching him. Like, I couldn't even believe they kept winning as many games as they did, which felt like, oh, maybe they're. They're still going to do well.

[David Cross]

When they beat Minnesota, that was where it felt like, okay, this is the team.

[John Glaser]

It felt hope. You mean the last game of the season?

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

It felt hopeful, but it still felt like. Because they had just lost to Buffalo. Although it was close, but it was all the offense. Like, they had no defense. Even the Minnesota game, it felt like. But then I think the next week, Minnesota game showed up. Minnesota maybe was kind of not that good or who knows? But it was such a.

[David Cross]

Well, a lot of it was coaching, too, you know?

[John Glaser]

Yeah. And listen, I love Dan Campbell. There's still, like. And it sucks because now people are going to be like, see?

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

But there was a couple plays in that Washington game where it's like, God damn it.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

So. Yeah. I don't know, man. And then they lost their coordinators. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it. So I brought it up.

[David Cross]

I think. I don't know this for sure. I'll have to ask.

[John Glaser]

Sorry. I brought it up for myself. Anyway. Go ahead.

[David Cross]

I think when Amber and I were just started going out, and I don't. I don't think she ever anticipated getting involved to the point of marriage and a family with a person who was so into sports. I think that's like. And she's come around for sure. And Marlon collects baseball cards. Now. When I say collects, I mean she.

[John Glaser]

How old is she now?

[David Cross]

She will be eight on Saturday.

[John Glaser]

I was going to say eight.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

I should have said it before. You did.

[David Cross]

I should have said it and it was said. Nope. Almost. Not quite. But by the time this goes out, she'll be eight. And when I say collect baseball cards, she doesn't. She's just gotten into the design of it and opening the cards, which is the baby steps. I'm thrilled. I think that's great. But. And I've, you know, taken her to Liberty games because we're down the street and those games are. Have you seen a Liberty game?

[John Glaser]

Not in person. I cannot believe we haven't taken Freddie yet. I know.

[David Cross]

I mean, I've been to a million different. You know, every million. No. You know, all right, I've been to. I'm going to say 100,000. I'm going to say 700,000. 20 different sporting events of all different sports multiple times. And those Liberty games are just so much fun. So the team is great, and it's just. The vibe is fucking great.

[John Glaser]

It looks awesome.

[David Cross]

It's great. You should definitely. I can't take Nate there. It blew that. Freddy. Take Freddy. Take Freddy down there. And I'm telling you, it's a bit. So much fun. And it's got that. Have you ever been to, like, a single. A minor league baseball game where it. Just constant stimulation. It's just music and giveaways. There's no doubt. There's never a time where you're, you know, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. All right. We're gonna give away a team. You know, whatever.

[John Glaser]

Yeah.

[David Cross]

Because the teams aren't very good, and.

[John Glaser]

Jesus.

[David Cross]

It's got. Well, you know, it's got a little bit of that vibe where there's constantly.

[John Glaser]

You're talking about the minor league teams or the.

[David Cross]

I'm talking about the Liberty games, but in a good way. Like, there's a DJ and there's. You know, but the teams are good. The teams are very good. Yeah. I mean, some of the team. The. That. That championship series was fucking awesome.

[John Glaser]

It was really good.

[David Cross]

It was really, really good. And. And Marla got to take a picture with Ellie, the elephant mascot, and it was Great. I mean, we've been. I think we went to four games, five games maybe. And it's just great every time. And the fact that you can walk. Just walk there and walk home.

[John Glaser]

I know it's. I took Nate to, You know, he likes the Nets. We went to a bunch of Nets games. And it's fun to be able to walk. I like walking to the stadium, which also, like, feels like Chicago now that he's there. And he. He's really gotten out on his own and just exploring the city. And he loves sports. So, like, early on, he called me FaceTime me. And he was just like, right outside Wrigley.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

And that was pretty fun. And he just did, like a sports tour on his own. Just rented a city bike or whatever they have in Chicago and rode all around, and it was pretty cool. I always like that, personally, when I'm on the road somewhere traveling, I like to go to a stadium and see. I just like to see games or.

[David Cross]

Even just when I was on tour. I went to. I had a day off in Milwaukee and I walked from my shitty garbage hotel down and ending up, like, on. Part of it was on an expressway. Like, oh, I think I took a wrong. But I could see the stadium. Like, I could see. Was it Miller Field or whatever it is?

[John Glaser]

I think so.

[David Cross]

And it's great. It's a great park. Went to an Astros game in Houston when I was there. Rockies game when I was in Denver. So, yeah, I tried to do that. If I have a day off or if I find I have time, then I hit a hit. Like, go down there and see a game.

[John Glaser]

I was in Toronto last year for a couple weeks on a job, and I had a lot of downtime and I went to do. You know, the Marlies are. The Toronto Marlies. I think it's just the Maple Leafs minor league team, but they have their own. They play in a smaller stadium. It's really. I think it's just Coca Cola arena or whatever. But it's a really cool old stadium. Small, like a barn hockey bar in Canada. I don't know. I guess I think it was called Coca Cola arena.

[David Cross]

Or maybe it was like Coca Cola. The way to get around the trademark infringement.

[John Glaser]

I think it was just Coca Cola Co. Cocoa co. Coca Cola.

[David Cross]

Yeah, Coco Coca Cola. And it'd be a chant.

[John Glaser]

Coca Cola, Koala Cola. Now we're getting back to the Fun Sodas names.

[David Cross]

Oh, that's right. We brought it around full circle. It's too early to wrap up the show, unfortunately.

[John Glaser]

How much Longer are we supposed to go?

[David Cross]

About an hour 20.

[John Glaser]

Let's just.

[David Cross]

Yeah, no, we can cut more talking. We'll cut it down to like 58 minutes. But Chris, lose all the stuff about sports. All of it.

[John Glaser]

I went to a mart. They do a lot of day games in the middle of the week and I. It must be for like school trips and things, but I was just there and I wanted to see a hockey game and it was fun to go see. I like seeing minor league sports and.

[David Cross]

Sure, yeah.

[John Glaser]

And I went by myself.

[David Cross]

It's fun always.

[John Glaser]

I've seen a couple AAA games. You ever go to the Cyclones games?

[David Cross]

The Brooklyn took Marlowe there. Yeah.

[John Glaser]

I haven't seen a Staten Island Yankees game and I heard that's pretty fun because you can see the city and the backdrop.

[David Cross]

Well, Cody. Well, Cyclones is. Is cool because you see Luna park and.

[John Glaser]

Awesome.

[David Cross]

And. And you know, all the boardwalk and all that stuff. It's great.

[John Glaser]

It's pretty fun.

[David Cross]

Yeah. And there's that weird. The mascot is like a king, but not a king.

[John Glaser]

I know. What's his?

[David Cross]

He wears a crown.

[John Glaser]

Yes.

[David Cross]

But he's in a regular like pink suit. He's not like Burger King.

[John Glaser]

It's not Burger King. It's almost. And it's not King Vitamin. You remember that cereal?

[David Cross]

Yes, I do.

[John Glaser]

You know, he's like got a King Vitamin type crown. God, what the fuck is his name?

[David Cross]

But he dresses like a car salesman.

[John Glaser]

Yeah. And he's kind of like a big guy.

[David Cross]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really loud. Oh, and then the gay dancers that come out on the dugout and they have the. Oh no. Yes. They have the gay cheerleaders kind of squad that will hang out on the top of the dugout.

[John Glaser]

Male or female gay cheerleaders? How do you know they're gay? Is it a. Is that.

[David Cross]

I've just, you know that you're 60 years of experience. Well, you know.

[John Glaser]

Is that you? Is that your gaydar? 60 years of experience. Never wrong.

[David Cross]

If I get hard, it means they're gay.

[John Glaser]

Okay.

[David Cross]

Yeah, that's how I gauge it. Like this one guy, very fae with you know, like just not quite drag, but kind of getting there and I got a huge hard on. So I'm like, that dude is gay.

[John Glaser]

You ever come?

[David Cross]

Oh, all the time. Yeah. Yeah.

[John Glaser]

At the game.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

And then how do you deal with that? Do you. Do you go to the bathroom and clean up? Do you wait till you get home? Do you wear.

[David Cross]

I'm in. Literally inside my popcorn box. I have it. I've it fitted And.

[John Glaser]

And so you have a fern.

[David Cross]

And then I feed that popcorn to the pigeons. And that's why if you ever see a little pigeon that looks like me.

[John Glaser]

So wait, just because they ingest.

[David Cross]

Yeah. It by. Yes.

[John Glaser]

That's how they would get pregnant is from ingesting your jizz covered popcorn.

[David Cross]

Well, I wouldn't say covered, but thank you.

[John Glaser]

It's jizzled.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

A drizzle of jizz.

[David Cross]

Yeah, I get it. I get it. You don't have to explain the fucking joke.

[John Glaser]

I'm explaining to the listeners that I.

[David Cross]

Am very smart, savvy listeners.

[John Glaser]

No question about it. That was for the one that is not so savvy. That's maybe like. Let me. You know what? Let me give this podcast. Darren, Darren, let me give this podcast a shot today and see what it's all about. And then they got jizzled popcorn and.

[David Cross]

They don't understand what it means.

[John Glaser]

Thankfully he explained it. And then the one guy said jizzled and the other guy said, don't explain it. But I was glad he explained it personally.

[David Cross]

Can you imagine if I had to ask people now that I know what it is?

[John Glaser]

Oh, and this is the other thing about my Magellan is that when your conversation gets off. Hey, your conversation is you got off course. Bring it back. But listen, sometimes that's part of the adventure of circumnavigating the globe, right? The globe of life. Is that. Where did we start? Where do we finish?

[David Cross]

Where do we start and where do we finish?

[John Glaser]

Jizzled corn. It's not where you start, it's how. It's where you finish.

[David Cross]

The only popcorn with cum on it.

[John Glaser]

The only popcorn that will get a pigeon pregnant. A preganente. A pregnant.

[David Cross]

Well, it doesn't. Pregnant doesn't have an E at the end.

[John Glaser]

Well, I. Hey, you know what? I made it have an E on the end.

[David Cross]

I don't know that you made it. You just sort of did it.

[John Glaser]

Yeah, I made it. Just like you made a pigeon baby.

[David Cross]

Right? Well, it took two to do that, me and the pigeon.

[John Glaser]

That's true.

[David Cross]

Do you remember the dog at the very end of the remake of Body Snatchers? The one with.

[John Glaser]

I don't know. I remember the original. Not the remake. The original dog was terrifying.

[David Cross]

Yeah, there's. They do it in the. In the remake too. It's the. It's just better effects.

[John Glaser]

But don't you think sometimes when it's like in. In the thing, when the. When the effects are not as quote, unquote, good, that it's scarier sometimes?

[David Cross]

Sure.

[John Glaser]

Or more disturbing.

[David Cross]

I love the thing.

[John Glaser]

Oh, my God.

[David Cross]

I think that's his best film, if you ask me.

[John Glaser]

But that stuff, like when those effects are kind of shitty, I find it scarier at times. And that one I haven't.

[David Cross]

I know what you mean. Yeah.

[John Glaser]

The Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake. I didn't even know.

[David Cross]

Oh, this is going. This was. You might.

[John Glaser]

Are you talking about. Is the Donald Southern one, the remake?

[David Cross]

Yes.

[John Glaser]

Was there one before?

[David Cross]

Yes, there's one before it. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I was. I was realizing as you're saying that. No, they didn't re remake it. But that's the. That's.

[John Glaser]

You're talking about the dog from the Donald Southern. Oh, yeah. That one is fucking creepy as fucking hell, man.

[David Cross]

Very creepy.

[John Glaser]

Really good, though. Oh, my God.

[David Cross]

Because the face kind of fits. It's like a Brussels Griffin type of dog. And the face is kind of fits the. That kind of dog, you know?

[John Glaser]

Damn it. I want to like, look it up right now, but I won't.

[David Cross]

It's pretty creepy.

[John Glaser]

It's so creepy. I do. It's a very disturbing, scary. Yes.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

And that, like, all I'm thinking now is like, then I want to run home and snuggle my dog. Give me that fucking look that you're giving me right now. What kind of dog you guys have?

[David Cross]

Here's what I like is that I bet all the listeners can imagine the look I was giving you. It's not difficult.

[John Glaser]

I wish we had. I wish you could have people calling in right now. Caller, tell us what the look was. What kind of dog did you guys get?

[David Cross]

We got a Bernadoodle because we had to get a hypoallergenic. No, I'm actually with you. I.

[John Glaser]

That was more of a cute noise, not a judgmental noise. That being said. Yeah, fuck you.

[David Cross]

Well, Amber is allergic to a lot of dander and so a lot of different dander. But so we had to get a hypoallergenic dog. I would never, ever, ever, ever get a bred dog. And Ollie was a rescue dog before that was a rescue. And I would get a rescue dog and. And our dog's awesome. And you know, she. She's huge. I mean, sometimes they. Sometimes they're bigger. Some she's in the middle, but that's a big dog. And you know, she's still. She's only 14 months, but she's got to be £65 at this point. Big and just a big dumb, muppety like snuffle look. Snuffle up I guess type of dog doesn't, you know, it's still puppy energy and puppy. So like we'll, you know, knock you over trying to play.

[John Glaser]

Anyway, downstairs neighbors have. Have a doodle. And its name is Leo. The husband is Italian, so it's not Leo. It's Leo.

[David Cross]

Leo.

[John Glaser]

Leo.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

Hey, maybe I'll tell him about Magellan. Yeah.

[David Cross]

See if he can hook you up with some of his fellow Italians.

[John Glaser]

Do you know about Pizza Secret? You guys ever have that Pizza Secret? I know the face you made is the perfect reaction. That's another face.

[David Cross]

What? I don't. That one I'm not aware of the.

[John Glaser]

Face you just looked like. Just the annoyance at the name Pizza Secret. So we asked this guy, his name is Paolo, and we asked him like, hey, what's your favorite pizza in the neighborhood? And he said, Pizza Secret. And we had heard it's in Park Slope on fifth Avenue, closer to you guys, not far from Atlantic.

[David Cross]

Really?

[John Glaser]

I had never heard of it. Maybe we'd seen it. And I just thought, oh, wait a minute.

[David Cross]

I know it's. I know. I think it's right on the corner. It's literally, it's. It's. And it's like kind of a yellow black sign. I think I know what it is. It is. Is it on the.

[John Glaser]

So it's like near Bergen or Dean.

[David Cross]

Yeah. And it's on the west side.

[John Glaser]

Yes.

[David Cross]

Yeah, I know what you're talking about. It's on a corner. It's a corner shop. Yeah.

[John Glaser]

And so that he said that was his favorite. And we just thought, all right, I guess we'll try it. We had probably heard of it. I think it's just, you know, one of those terrible sounding names.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

And it's incredibly good.

[David Cross]

Really.

[John Glaser]

So it's that, I guess, Is it the brick oven, like thin crust pizza.

[David Cross]

Oh, like Connecticut, New Haven style. Or like Lombardi's.

[John Glaser]

Or not like Lombardi's, more.

[David Cross]

Oh, they're coal oven. So I'm thinking of Frank Pepe's in New Haven and Sal's. A pizza, I think.

[John Glaser]

Yeah. You ever go to Franny's when that was around on Flatbush?

[David Cross]

I didn't very.

[John Glaser]

Just like thin, thicker crust though, at the. Or at the. At the base. Not the base.

[David Cross]

Like the.

[John Glaser]

Yeah, like Neapolitan without. I don't fucking well.

[David Cross]

Neapolitan is. Got us kind of a softer, chewier bread that's really kind of tangy and delicious.

[John Glaser]

Then maybe it's that.

[David Cross]

Okay, so it's not like crispy, crispy no. Okay, then it's Neapolitan.

[John Glaser]

Yeah, it's delicious.

[David Cross]

Okay.

[John Glaser]

It's so good. But it was one of those things where we had never tried it because of the name. And now every time we get it, I just think about. I think it's sticks. Is it Mr. Roboto secret? Secret. I've got a. Every time we order it, I get the box and I'm like eating it. Now I have in my head.

[David Cross]

Thanks for putting pizza.

[John Glaser]

Secret. I've got a secret. Thanks for putting that in my head.

[David Cross]

Have you been to Paulie G's in Greenpoint?

[John Glaser]

No.

[David Cross]

That's really good.

[John Glaser]

That's Paulie G's.

[David Cross]

Paulie G's. Yeah, it's good.

[John Glaser]

Is it close to Black Rabbit?

[David Cross]

It's not too far. It's not right next in the. But yeah, near.

[John Glaser]

Everything's not that far from you.

[David Cross]

Yeah. I mean, Greenpoint is only so big. But. And I'm. I'm a big, big fan of the Grandma Slice at Home Slice, which I had. I don't think I've ever had a grandma.

[John Glaser]

Where's Home Slice?

[David Cross]

Home Slice is on Vanderbilt and like between Pacific Dean.

[John Glaser]

I thought you were about to say Pistachio.

[David Cross]

No, there's not a street.

[John Glaser]

Is there a street in New York? There must be a Pistachio Street.

[David Cross]

Why do you say that?

[John Glaser]

It just seems. Doesn't seem that far fetched in New York City that one of probably a million streets would be called Pistachio. Just seems like a fun name for a street that someone would have coined in the history of New York.

[David Cross]

I'm gonna guess there isn't Pistachio Storita.

[John Glaser]

I wish. Like, are you able to. Do you look stuff up? Is that part of your services? While you're sure.

[David Cross]

Yeah, I can do that.

[John Glaser]

I would love to find out just like Pistachio Street, New York City.

[David Cross]

Well, you know, they're the fruit streets in Brooklyn Heights. Right. There's pineapple Cranberry and What's the other one? Orange maybe.

[John Glaser]

Is there an orange street? No way.

[David Cross]

No, I don't know. There's Pineapple cranberry. Pineapple Street.

[John Glaser]

I don't know if I've seen Cranberry.

[David Cross]

That's right. And they're next to each other.

[John Glaser]

Pineapple scramble.

[David Cross]

Oh, Craisin. There's Craisin.

[John Glaser]

Oh, man. You ever heard of a fragal?

[David Cross]

No. Wait, let me guess. So it's half bagel, half French toast.

[John Glaser]

No, no, it's like. It's basically just like a cinnamon raisin type bagel.

[David Cross]

Why do they call it a fragile?

[John Glaser]

I don't know. I'd have to look up.

[David Cross]

Oh, I thought it was like a cronut, where it's like half donut, half croissant. I thought that's where you were going. So I was like. A frago would be a French toast bagel.

[John Glaser]

Now they're. Now. Yeah. I can't believe. I don't know. I think that was. I don't know. There must be a reason and I don't know what it is.

[David Cross]

You know what I really don't like. I've never had it, but the idea of it, the bagel hot dog, seems like a terrible idea to me.

[John Glaser]

It sounds awful.

[David Cross]

They're just two. I like both of those things separately. But I don't know, they make them. They might. It's like, you know, a bagel. It's bagel dough.

[John Glaser]

So is it a hot dog shaped bun?

[David Cross]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a hot dog shaped bagel.

[John Glaser]

No, no, because that I almost like the idea of, like if it's a.

[David Cross]

Hot dog was inside in a circle.

[John Glaser]

Yeah.

[David Cross]

Oh, sure.

[John Glaser]

Like a circular hot dog.

[David Cross]

God.

[John Glaser]

Is that a thing? A circular hot dog?

[David Cross]

No, but somebody will make it.

[John Glaser]

Oh, my God. How about. Let's us make it bagel dog. Bagel dogs. Here's the thing. And listen, if you're listening, don't try to steal this idea because we're already. David. Right now you can't see this, but he's texting his patent lawyer. Yeah, I'm looking over his phone. Don't get the copy right now. Good. You spelled circular wrong. So we're going to copyright circular bagels.

[David Cross]

How do you spell it? C U, K, R K, L U R. L, A, R. Yes. Okay. That's what I got.

[John Glaser]

I think looked. I was reading it wrong.

[David Cross]

No, you probably saw. Auto autocorrected.

[John Glaser]

My bad.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

And also, you know what's going to say.

[David Cross]

Supposedly came up with the why we say my bad.

[John Glaser]

No.

[David Cross]

Dikembe Mutombo. I'm not joking. I'm not joking.

[John Glaser]

Really?

[David Cross]

Yeah. He would say my bad. His English wasn't, you know, perfect. My bad. I don't think he was a monster.

[John Glaser]

Well, he had a very bright gravelly voice.

[David Cross]

It was deep, it was baritone, but.

[John Glaser]

But also wasn't kind of. I know.

[David Cross]

Was he a pirate?

[John Glaser]

Yes, it can be the pirate.

[David Cross]

I don't know.

[John Glaser]

The basketball. Yeah, they had like the. They had a really good. There was a pirate basketball league.

[David Cross]

Oh, shit.

[John Glaser]

That's where he got discovered. Yeah.

[David Cross]

Do you know there's a sub. I only know this because of when Marlo was like three. There's a sub genre of music that's pirate rock, not yacht rock. Pirate, like where. Yes, but like, it's kind of metal ish. And it's.

[John Glaser]

I was about to go jizz covered popcorn. Yo, ho ho.

[David Cross]

That sounds like you're making fun of me.

[John Glaser]

I'm not.

[David Cross]

Okay. Because it's sounds like you are.

[John Glaser]

I'm not. I'm adding to it. I'm laughing with you.

[David Cross]

Oh, I wasn't laughing, though.

[John Glaser]

What's that?

[David Cross]

I said I wasn't laughing though.

[John Glaser]

Somebody was.

[David Cross]

That may be, but there's only three people in this room.

[John Glaser]

And what if the joker running in right now just gotcha. But then it would be a joke on you.

[David Cross]

I would say that's not very funny or clever or interesting.

[John Glaser]

All right, well, we still got you.

[David Cross]

I don't see how you got me. I'm sorry.

[John Glaser]

Let me see if I can explain this. So we got you. I don't even want to fucking want to go down that road anymore of this bit. Bit over there should be a bitbot. Bitbot just comes in. Bitbot. Ending bit. Bitbot. What are you doing? What was it? There is. What is. This is a hard tangent. Is a blumpy. When you get a blowjob while taking a shit.

[David Cross]

Yeah. It's also a sandwich chain in, like, outside of Buffalo.

[John Glaser]

Blumpies.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

And they're aware that it's a. Did they start. Which came first?

[David Cross]

Literally both at the same exact time.

[John Glaser]

So one guy was getting a blumpy and was like, eating a sandwich while getting a blumpy.

[David Cross]

No, they were close. So the guy starts making the sandwich.

[John Glaser]

Right.

[David Cross]

This one guy. There's two guys. One guy starts making the sandwich, and he's just like, hey, man, get me, you know, I want, like, Italian, but, you know, whatever's in the fridge. Use whatever's in the fridge. So the guy creates a sandwich, which is legit good. You know, I mean, using the stuff that's in the fridge.

[John Glaser]

Just in the fridge.

[David Cross]

And then. So the guy's making the sandwich while the guy's taking a dump. He comes in to give the guy.

[John Glaser]

A different guy taking a shit.

[David Cross]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Glaser]

Or the guy making the sandwich.

[David Cross]

Two different guys.

[John Glaser]

So the guy making the sandwich is making the sandwich for the guy taking a shit?

[David Cross]

Yes. And he comes in.

[John Glaser]

He's at a restaurant, someone's house.

[David Cross]

He's at a restaurant. At a restaurant. And it's one of those very quickly.

[John Glaser]

Just so did the guy come into the restaurant. He's like, just make me a sandwich. And then ran like, did he have to take a shit? But he wanted to put his order in first.

[David Cross]

He. Well, he put the order in so he could use the bathroom.

[John Glaser]

Got it.

[David Cross]

So I think, as legend has it, he wasn't even intending he was going to try slip out. He just needed to use the bathroom and he didn't want to look.

[John Glaser]

And he was like, just whatever's in the fridge.

[David Cross]

Yeah, whatever's in the fridge. Exactly. And so. And the thing about this restaurant, which had. It was a soft opening, so it didn't even have a name yet, was the guy had brought his own fridge.

[John Glaser]

And if I remember, the fridge is like. You can see the fridge. It's right there.

[David Cross]

Yeah, but it's his fridge. It's his own fridge. Anyway, runs in, guy makes a sandwich again, utilizing whatever he's got in there, and then goes to give the guy the sandwich. Because that was their slogan, was, we'll give you your sandwich wherever you are, no matter what.

[John Glaser]

No matter what.

[David Cross]

And that was the slogan out, right. Top of the. They were thinking of naming the restaurant.

[John Glaser]

That no matter what.

[David Cross]

It got a little bit. Is too wordy, but it's still their slogan. And so the guys take it up, goes in, here's your sandwich. Thank you so much. Can I help you out with that? The guy thinks he means a sandwich, right? And he's like, sure. The other guy who's made the sandwich starts blowing him.

[John Glaser]

Okay.

[David Cross]

And the sound that his ass made when he was taking the dump and his mouth made when he was coming was blumpy. Really, as I understand it, as you.

[John Glaser]

Understand it, the history of blumpies, that to me sounds 100% plausible.

[David Cross]

Yeah, I mean, you know, crazier things have happened.

[John Glaser]

Well, what I was getting at with Blumpy, it doesn't matter. We're too far past it. Although, now that I brought it up, I should probably just tell it like with Bitbot. Do you know Tommy Blacha?

[David Cross]

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

[John Glaser]

He had an idea of just like a robot called Blumpy that would just come in and do what this sandwich guy did and just constantly come in and try to suck. You know, if you were in the bathroom, it would just immediately. It would detect you're in the bathroom and immediately come in and try to suck your dick. And it was all blumpy.

[David Cross]

No.

[John Glaser]

And it was really a super strong small. Yeah, almost like a staffy, Like a Staffordshire pit bull small. But Strong, stocky.

[David Cross]

Well, how is it gonna.

[John Glaser]

And a mouth was just like. Just super fucking powerful.

[David Cross]

I don't. But how would it get if you're. I mean, I don't know how you. What your position is when you take a dump, but, I mean, I don't know if that your penis would be that accessible to a robot.

[John Glaser]

Well, you are assuming this robot can't. It'll make it excessive adapt.

[David Cross]

Like, it's malleable.

[John Glaser]

It's brute force. It'll put you in the position it needs you to be in.

[David Cross]

Jesus.

[John Glaser]

Yeah, it's pretty. It's brutal. It's pretty fucking brutal.

[David Cross]

And how much does it cost.

[John Glaser]

Man? I think it was like 57 grand.

[David Cross]

57 grand?

[John Glaser]

Yeah.

[David Cross]

For a thing that you're ultimately going, stop, stop. Don't do that one thing you're supposed to do. Why did I spend 57 grand on a thing that I don't want it to do? The one thing it's supposed to do.

[John Glaser]

I think that's part of it. If it's for a very specific type of person. If you are intentionally like. Like, maybe you do want it, but that's part of the game, is like, oh, my God, get out of here. Don't do that.

[David Cross]

Right.

[John Glaser]

Of course, Lumpy.

[David Cross]

No, right, Right, Lumpy. Plus, if it only costs, like, a couple hundred dollars to make, then you only need to sell a couple to make a good chunk of change.

[John Glaser]

Well, that's a different thing. That's the person who's making it. That's the manufacturer. Yeah, I understand, but it seemed like I don't know where that came from, where we were talking about the person who buys it.

[David Cross]

Well, it's part of the overall conversation. It's certainly a way that a conversation can travel.

[John Glaser]

It was a jarring shift.

[David Cross]

I'm surprised you think it's jarring to talk about the person who's making blumpy. Seems like it'd be part of the conversation. Perhaps it's not illogical to talk about the manufacturer.

[John Glaser]

It's not illogical. It was just a jarring shift where we were talking about the person. Like, we were talking about the person.

[David Cross]

Have you ever seen any footage of the. I can't remember what year the tsunami in2014. Okay. That's a jarring shift in the conversation. That's a jarring shift in the conversation.

[John Glaser]

Is you talking about the tsunami?

[David Cross]

Yeah. When we were talking about a robot that blows you while you're taking a dump.

[John Glaser]

I think they're both jarring in their own way. They're different. They're different versions of jarring. Now we're making noises. Beep, beep.

[David Cross]

John, do you have anything you want to plug?

[John Glaser]

Not that I can think of.

[David Cross]

Any auditions coming up you want to plug?

[John Glaser]

Oh, God, no.

[David Cross]

That'd be a weird thing. Plug your auditions. Yeah, I've submitted some. An audio for a VO for. For Meineke Mufflers. And so look out for that if you are hiring. If you are. One of the four people who are.

[John Glaser]

Was Meineke the muffler that went. Pay a little now, pay a little more now or a lot more later?

[David Cross]

I don't know.

[John Glaser]

I remember even as a kid thinking like, that's a really interesting. You know, that you're not hiding behind the fact that this is. Costs a lot, but they're leaning into. It's like. Well, you could. It's like you get what you pay for. You can buy. Spend a little more now or a lot more later. I thought it was very smart. It is, and I'm pretty sure it was Meineke. Hold on. Very quickly. Pistachio street, yes or no?

[David Cross]

No, we don't have a Pistachio Street.

[John Glaser]

God damn it.

[David Cross]

Can you see if there's any Pistachio street not just in America, but in any English speaking country?

[John Glaser]

Pistachio Street.

[David Cross]

Yeah. Thank you.

[John Glaser]

If there is not a Pistachio street anywhere, anywhere, I will go to that bridge in Prospect park and jump off and try to hurt my ankle.

[David Cross]

The archway.

[John Glaser]

The archway. Listen, if you ever want to do a dog walk. Although I don't want to be seen with a doodle.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

Now, my friend, you know Adam Escott. Yes. Maybe not.

[David Cross]

Who?

[John Glaser]

Adam Escott.

[David Cross]

No.

[John Glaser]

They have a doodle. We've taken some nice dog walks. If you want to do a dog walk in the park.

[David Cross]

I mean, I.

[John Glaser]

Very sweet.

[David Cross]

Very sweet. Really good watchdog. But it's just. It. I. It's hard for me to say the word Bernadoodle.

[John Glaser]

I know it.

[David Cross]

And I really, really, really. In that kind of kid way, or that feeling of like, I have to qualify it each time. I had to get this. We had to get a Bernadoodle because my wife's allergic to.

[John Glaser]

Do you think you'll ever. With our dog, whose name is Gatsby, we shelter. Dog rescue. We're not assholes. But he came with the name and the kids really wanted to name him. And we actually thought about what about, like, Ashby? Like something that sounded like Gatsby.

[David Cross]

Like Hal Ashby.

[John Glaser]

Yes.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[John Glaser]

And we just decided, no, that's gonna be too Confusing. But I would do the same thing. You would do, like, all these qualifiers. Like, people would ask, what's his name? And for me, it's just Gatsby. It's not the book. We didn't name him after the book.

[David Cross]

Well, also.

[John Glaser]

And I would do this long spiel and then I just stopped because, like, who gives a shit?

[David Cross]

You're right. Who gives a shit? And I know that deep in the face, I just love him.

[John Glaser]

Gatsby. He's so cute.

[David Cross]

There is the thing about Park Slope, Brooklyn.

[John Glaser]

I know.

[David Cross]

And we've talked about it. We both have talked about it on stage. And there is that young dad or mom or a dog park person specific to Brooklyn or whatever that is cloying. And I mean, the names. The names are. I mean, I can make some up and they all sound like they're legit names. And I could sprinkle in some real names that I've heard at the dog park.

[John Glaser]

Give me a few and I'll try to guess if they're real or fake.

[David Cross]

Okay. Tallulah.

[John Glaser]

Real.

[David Cross]

Fake.

[John Glaser]

I've met a Tallulah at the time.

[David Cross]

Are you serious? I believe it. I used to do a bit like Tallulah Bankhead. Da, da.

[John Glaser]

I met a Tallulah and I had a really, really great experience with Tallulah where she was a little, cute little dog. I don't know what kind.

[David Cross]

Nothing against the dog.

[John Glaser]

It's just very. But such a cutie and, like, kind of scared. And then the next time I saw them a little closer, then the next time, a little closer. And then like the fourth time, just running up to me. I almost started sobbing. It's like we did a breakthrough. All right, Tallulah.

[David Cross]

All right. So Tallulah's fake, but also real. Apollo.

[John Glaser]

Real.

[David Cross]

Real.

[John Glaser]

There's gotta be at least.

[David Cross]

Yeah, Yep. Persephone.

[John Glaser]

Fake.

[David Cross]

Real.

[John Glaser]

Wow.

[David Cross]

Yeah, it's either Persephone or Persephone. It's the one that is the.

[John Glaser]

Oh, God.

[David Cross]

I had to look it up. I was in the dog park and I looked it up.

[John Glaser]

It's infuriating.

[David Cross]

It's. It's a Roman or Greek God. The goddess or the daughter of somebody who had something to do with Hades or something like that.

[John Glaser]

Oh, man.

[David Cross]

Real one. Real one. Okay. Oh, well, this is going to give it away, but what was the one I heard? Oh, God, it was great. Oh, Gretchen.

[John Glaser]

Gretchen. Yeah, So a real one.

[David Cross]

That was a real one.

[John Glaser]

But there is a lot of. You know, when we got Gatsby, I started doing with our old dog we never did off leash because she just was never socialized. We get in fights and it's been simultaneously the best to do off leash every morning in the park. And then it can be just so many annoying dog owners. So many annoying.

[David Cross]

Oh, right.

[John Glaser]

But it's mostly the best. But there's like. There's a prosciutto that I've met, a little pug.

[David Cross]

Prosciutto.

[John Glaser]

Prosciutto. And it's so cute. But there's a lot of, like, monosyllabic male names. Phil, Jim. Steve. I was gonna say Gary. That's two syllables, but that makes me.

[David Cross]

Laugh so hard because of that region. Just the idea that it's kind of specific and it's a woman's name. It's not anything else. It's not, you know, Gretchen. The fantastic Gretchen.

[John Glaser]

Pretty funny. It's kind of. What kind of.

[David Cross]

I don't think it was worth. I don't remember. I don't remember. But Gretchen. But we're in the big dog run, so it won't be a small dog. I know that, but.

[John Glaser]

But I know what you mean. Fitz Willy. Is that one you've heard?

[David Cross]

No, it's fake. I just made that up.

[John Glaser]

Yeah, Fitz Willy. That's pretty. Well, I was going to say, I've heard there's a prosciutto. Wilma, which I love. Another pug. Trying to be the most annoying name I've heard in there.

[David Cross]

And sometimes you get. Occasionally get a Mr. Something. Yeah. Yeah.

[John Glaser]

I don't know if I've heard one in there, but. Yeah. Like Mr. Something something.

[David Cross]

Yeah. Mr. Peanut or Mr. You know, whatever.

[John Glaser]

Mr. Peanut. You know, I thought penis would be a funny penis. Come here, Penis.

[David Cross]

Well, you know, when I got.

[John Glaser]

No, down. Drop it. Penis.

[David Cross]

I. I got. When Sarah and I got Ollie, our other older dog, the reason she was called Ollie Red Sox is because I just wanted to call the dog Red Sox. And Sarah's. No. And so she. She was Ollie Red Sox, but it was so I could be in the park with a bunch of people wearing Yankees here, going, let's go Red Sox. Come on, Red Sox. And then I also wanted to name a dog Jew. For real. Let's go Jew. Like bad Jew. Bad Jew. For real. These are real things I wanted to. So she was Ollie Red Sox, but it was mostly Ollie.

[John Glaser]

Ali. Red Sox Ali. What about you? Could have gone Ali Jew socks.

[David Cross]

That's a bit of a mix. And it doesn't really. Yeah, it ruins both things. John, I want to go. I've got, errands. To do. So I end every episode with a question from my daughter. Okay, and here is today's question for you, and you can answer it in any way you see fit. John, why do metal things catch on fire in a microwave?

[John Glaser]

That is a really. Does Marla listen to these?

[David Cross]

She will at some point.

[John Glaser]

I think that's kind of fun. Like, hey, here's the. That's a really great question. I don't know. And I've wondered that quite a bit. Is it do they catch on fire? Is that what happens?

[David Cross]

I try to stay out of the answer.

[John Glaser]

I don't know. I've wondered that myself. I've never wondered enough to look up the reason why or the answer why. So I didn't know they would catch on fire. I thought it'd be something maybe about melting or maybe it releases toxins into the. I don't know. I don't want to even hazard a guess or make up an answer. And I think there's also real strength in just saying I don't know. That's my answer. Yeah, I don't know. All right. For those of you at home that can't see, David just got up. He sort of angrily shove the microphone. Can hear that rustling off. He's putting his jacket on. He seems very angry. It's a loud sigh. Maybe you caught that off Mike. He's got like a copper. He's going to Fox backpack. He's leaving, left the door open. Here's the thing. I actually do know why metal catch is on fire in a microwave. And I just did not want to answer on purpose because I want Marlon. All right. Yeah, I think we did all right.

[David Cross]

All right. We have to take a picture of you. The end sense is working overtime is a Headgum podcast created and hosted by me, David Cross. The show is edited by Katie Skelton and engineered by Nicole Lyons with supervising producer Emma Foley. Thanks to Demi Druchin for our show Art and Mark Rivers for our theme song. For more podcasts by headgum, visit headgum.com or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts and maybe we'll read it on a future episode. I'm not gonna do that. Thanks for listening.

[John Glaser]

That was a Headgum podcast.