Nick Kroll

Summary

Summary of "Senses Working Overtime with David Cross" – Episode Featuring Nick Kroll

Released on January 23, 2025

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Introduction and Tour Updates

The episode kicks off with light-hearted banter between David Cross (A) and Nick Kroll (B) as they discuss their color preferences and personal lives. Cross mentions his ongoing tour and hints at Broadway engagements, setting a casual and humorous tone for the conversation.

• [00:37] B: "I'm gonna slide into this red here."
• [02:10] A: "We went through a rough patch and decided to separate. We're still in touch, still friends."

Broadway and "All In. Comedy About Love"

Cross and Kroll delve into their simultaneous participation in the Broadway production "All In. Comedy About Love." They share experiences about performing night after night and interacting with notable guests like Fred Armisen, Richard Kind, and Lin-Manuel Miranda.

• [04:28] A: "And Nick Kroll will be on stage... you come to the stage door."
• [05:32] A: "I went to the premiere night... with Fred, Richard Kind, and Nick."

Experiences in Film and TV

The conversation shifts to their experiences in the film and television industries. Cross recounts challenging roles, such as portraying Joey Bishop in the series "Genius," where he felt out of his depth. Kroll discusses his habit of watching his own work and occasionally feeling embarrassed by his performances.

• [10:41] A: "I was playing Jerry Wexler... the Aretha Franklin story."
• [12:59] B: "I only exclusively watch the stuff comics do."

Personal Anecdotes and High School Tales

Nick Kroll shares a humorous and entirely fabricated anecdote about delivering a disastrous graduation speech where he supposedly exposed himself to the crowd. This leads to playful exchanges between Cross and Kroll, highlighting their comedic chemistry.

• [32:05] A: "I took my dick out at my high school graduation and I did not."
• [33:17] B: "I did not expose my genitals to the crowd at the graduation speech."

Festival Stories: Bonnaroo

The duo reminisce about their experiences at music festivals like Bonnaroo, recounting amusing stories about festival logistics, backstage antics, and interactions with fellow comedians and performers.

• [53:14] B: "This show, the league that I was on and the Workaholics guys were there."
• [57:37] A: "That's not a very good story."

Parody Segments: Smith and Wollensky's Corporate Retreat

A significant portion of the episode features over-the-top, fictionalized segments parodying a corporate retreat for Smith and Wollensky's employees. Cross and Kroll engage in humorous dialogues that blend corporate jargon with absurd comedy, creating a satirical take on corporate culture.

• [58:37] A: "This is a corporate retreat for everybody in [Smith and Wollensky's]."
• [60:37] A: "And so all you Tim Conway Heads...".

Humorous Licensing Jokes

Cross and Kroll continue their comedic exchange with jokes about various fictional licenses, such as the "License to Chill," "License to Crawl," and other absurd permissions. This segment showcases their improvisational skills and knack for creating hilarious scenarios.

• [66:02] B: "I've directed, yeah. I'm doing a new show for FX... called 'Adults.'"
• [78:43] A: "Halloween's coming up... it's mandatory Halloween dress up till we get to Halloween."

Conclusion: Halloween Jokes and Closing Remarks

As the episode winds down, Cross and Kroll maintain their humorous tone with jokes about early Halloween preparations, despite it being January. They wrap up the episode with more playful banter, leaving listeners amused and entertained.

• [78:52] A: "From Sparrows to Smith and Wollensky's, Happy Halloween."
• [80:43] B: "Thanks for having me."

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Notable Quotes with Speaker Attribution and Timestamps

• [00:37] B: "I'm gonna slide into this red here."
• [02:10] A: "We went through a rough patch and decided to separate. We're still in touch, still friends."
• [04:28] A: "And Nick Kroll will be on stage... you come to the stage door."
• [10:41] A: "I was playing Jerry Wexler... the Aretha Franklin story."
• [12:59] B: "I only exclusively watch the stuff comics do."
• [32:05] A: "I took my dick out at my high school graduation and I did not."
• [33:17] B: "I did not expose my genitals to the crowd at the graduation speech."
• [53:14] B: "This show, the league that I was on and the Workaholics guys were there."
• [57:37] A: "That's not a very good story."
• [58:37] A: "This is a corporate retreat for everybody in [Smith and Wollensky's]."
• [60:37] A: "And so all you Tim Conway Heads...".
• [66:02] B: "I've directed, yeah. I'm doing a new show for FX... called 'Adults.'"
• [78:43] A: "Halloween's coming up... it's mandatory Halloween dress up till we get to Halloween."
• [78:52] A: "From Sparrows to Smith and Wollensky's, Happy Halloween."
• [80:43] B: "Thanks for having me."

Overall Flow and Insights

The episode is a blend of structured topics and spontaneous humor, showcasing the natural chemistry between David Cross and Nick Kroll. Their conversation weaves through personal stories, industry insights, and fictionalized corporate satire, all delivered with a comedic flair that keeps listeners engaged. The inclusion of notable quotes and specific anecdotes provides depth and relatability, making the summary a useful overview for those who haven't listened to the episode.

Note: Advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections have been intentionally omitted to focus solely on the core discussions and comedic exchanges between the hosts.

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast. You have your choice. Okay.

[B]

I want blue. Is that okay?

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

You know what?

[A]

I'm wearing blue.

[B]

I'm gonna slide into this red here.

[A]

You know, that did occur to me.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, that's. We're visual people.

[A]

Yeah. I'm so sorry. I totally misread that in a lazy way where I. You just say, hey, so Nick's reps called and then you just. He's going to be.

[B]

And yeah, you just feel. He's gonna be 10 minutes.

[A]

When is that ever early? I. How old's your kid?

[B]

I have a four year old and a one year old. How old's your kid?

[A]

She'll be eight in a couple weeks. Yeah.

[B]

Can I have this coffee on or should I pour it into something else?

[A]

Yeah, we're not.

[B]

This isn't gonna lose your coffee sponsorship.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

You'll lose your.

[A]

First of all, thank you. It's good to see you.

[B]

Good to see you. It's been.

[A]

Been a while.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Um, but this is the first episode back after. After. Well, we stopped down. I was on tour. I'm still on tour, but. Oh, we're doing the Broadway thing. We're in this. Oh, fuck. That just occurred to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that why you're here?

[B]

Yeah, that's why I'm in New York.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Great. Okay.

[B]

We're not doing it together, but we are both doing it.

[A]

Yeah. I'm going to guess that you and I and Fred Armisen. Let me think of. There might be somebody else in there are basically doing the same stuff.

[B]

I think so. I think what I've been told is they're switching certain roles based on cast so that nothing is ever exactly the same. But, yes, I believe for the most part, I'm like, I'm sitting in the Fred seat. I would imagine you are. And then, I don't know, are you with Hank Azaria or are you. Okay, so then I imagine.

[A]

No, we went through a rough patch and we decided to just sort of, you know, separate. We're still in touch, we're still friends. We're just trying to make it work.

[B]

Right. He decided to do The Simpsons for 30 years. And.

[A]

And that. That was a. You know, I told him 30 years ago, that's a deal breaker.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and when it got to year 29, I was like, what are we doing here?

[B]

Yeah, I'm. I'm waiting.

[A]

Yeah. Well, you're waiting tables now.

[B]

Yeah, I'm waiting table. Where do you know Smith and Wolinsky's.

[A]

I do. They're a wonderful chain.

[B]

It's a. Yeah, I'm working in the Vegas. Smith and Wolensky, I work in that, but I work in the special. Like, chef's table in the back.

[A]

Oh, wow. Cool.

[B]

So I take care of some of the worst people in the world.

[A]

Now, I've heard. I can't remember which one, but one of them, either Smith or Walensky, is real. Not a great.

[B]

Not a great guy. Not a great guy. I can't say, because obviously we're on.

[A]

A live link to the Smith and Wolensky.

[B]

And you guys can check us out on smithandwalensky.com.

[A]

We'Re doing a live. It's a corporate show.

[B]

Yeah, it's a corporate. For the Smith and Wollensky. And so obviously, we cannot say which Smith or Walensky is a monster of a person, but.

[A]

Because there are a bunch of them. There's so many Walensky's out there.

[B]

There are a lot. There's only three Smiths after they all died in that plane crash. But the rest of them are fine. The three of them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the Walensky's are rampant across the country.

[A]

There's so many of them, man. They. They're just. Get your tubes tied, you know? Right. So we're. We're in that. We're. Are you. Are you doing it this week? It's called All In. Well, this won't air in time. How long are you doing? Two weeks.

[B]

I'm doing till February 2nd.

[A]

Oh, yeah, you might. This might. Okay, great. So if you're in New York City, definitely check out Eminem World in Times Square. And then after that, head over to the. What's the name of theater?

[B]

The Hudson Theater.

[A]

The Hudson Theater. And check out All In. Comedy About Love. Something like that.

[B]

Comedy About Love.

[A]

And Nick Kroll will. Will be on stage. Yes, I will. And he has graciously offered to meet up with everybody after the show. You come to the stage door.

[B]

I want to get to know you. I want to shake everybody's hands on the lips. I want a kiss on a kiss on the lips. I want you and your. I want your mother to take as long as she needs to take a picture.

[A]

Oh, it's on video.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hold on.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I don't know how this works. Oh, well, now it's me, Mom.

[B]

I can do it myself. I can handle it myself if you want.

[A]

Oh, I've got it. This will be a better picture anyway because I can get you in the light. So, Stephanie, step right underneath the light.

[B]

So that you look like a Nazi propaganda cartoon of a Jew. But it's. It's really. I've done, like, three nights so far. It's me, Andrew Rannells, A.D. bryant, and Lin Manuel Miranda. And it's really. I think you'll have a lot of fun.

[A]

Oh, I'm looking forward to it. I went to the premiere night. Whatever they call that, the. Not opening night. But.

[B]

Yeah, well. Cause this one's a little different because it's, like, not like you do your previews and then you do the thing. But it's.

[A]

I went to that one and it was. It was really fun. Fred. Fred. And Richard Kind and Nick.

[B]

I mean.

[A]

Sorry. John. And the. Oh, I can't remember.

[B]

Renee Goldsberry or Chloe Feynman.

[A]

Yeah. From Hamilton. Yeah. And. Yeah, it was fun.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, it's great. It's like this amazing thing. Like, it's very weird. Like, you're on tour right now, where it's like, when you're on tour and it's your show, you're like, sure. The responsibility of, like, I'm up here, I gotta bring these people in. It's my. You know, it's my hour. And then you go and do the show every night at the same place.

[A]

I mean, that sounds very freeing. It is. And I live here, so. And.

[B]

And you live in Times Square.

[A]

I live in the theater. Yeah. I'm. Me and a couple dormouse mice. I discovered when I went to go because I didn't know exactly where it was in the geography of Times Square at the theater. And I took the subway, and I was walking over. I was like, oh, my. I can just take the C to the F. And I will never have to step foot in Times Square. Which is awesome.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That was the most exciting thing about doing the show.

[B]

Well. Cause you spend the rest of your day in Times Square just working outside in that Iron man suit. So, like, this is a good chance for you to.

[A]

Here's the thing. And I know I take pride in this, but it's foolish. I understand that to try to, in the Iron man suit, do caricatures while I'm juggling is, like, so hard and underappreciated.

[B]

It's underappreciated because that glove, that Iron man glove is so thick because of the thing. It's hard for you to grip.

[A]

Yeah. I've got a real one. You know, that was made in China, which is where they make the real ones.

[B]

Yeah. You know of course. But it is impressive that you are juggling.

[A]

I'm talking with Nick Kroll from the world of stand up and television and.

[B]

The occasional failed movie. How is your movie? You have. You've been in some good movies?

[A]

Yeah, I have been in some good movies. I've also been in some shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's so hard to be in a good movie that works.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

I mean, like, the amount of, like, energy and effort put into making a movie that you make or that you try to be in or that gets made and how few of them are actually like, good, successful movies.

[A]

Well, I've had a different career than you, Nick, because I haven't experienced. I mean, in a. Per capita. Mostly the films are pretty good.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You know, that I've been lucky enough to be a part of.

[B]

That is true. That is true.

[A]

And as I said, there were some real stinkers. But now. Do you see everything you're in?

[B]

Oh, I only exclusively watch the stuff comics.

[A]

It's the only way you can get off anymore.

[B]

I'm like, you know what I hate? I'm one of those actors, but I'm like, you know what? I just can't stand watching other people.

[A]

I just like, the entire time you're like, you just cringe, like, oh, did.

[B]

He say that I cringe?

[A]

Oh, what a missed opportunity.

[B]

You know, So I just watch my work. I just relax and watch my work. And I do watch most of the things I'm in, so occasionally I don't, but I do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And usually I spend the first time watching something just staring at myself and like. And just hating. Hating my physical appearance.

[A]

I. It's, for me, it's about. I just. I look at something go, what a dumb choice. I had so many choices to. As an actor, you have all these choices.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Sometimes you do something and you're not. Like, I was in. And my reps pushed hard for me to be in it. I was psyched to do it, but I was in a, like, what do you call those, like, biopic series and I was playing a real person and. And I just, you know, was not. I should not have been cast. Yeah, I mean, I, I tried and I had studied the guy and I was trying to get his voice down and, you know, this kind of guy and. And I communicated extensively with his last wife, who was very helpful, but it.

[B]

Was just say, Frank Sinatra.

[A]

No, it was Joey Bishop. The Joey Bishop story. 33 episodes, hour long each, and still.

[B]

Feel like you didn't cover it all.

[A]

Yeah, no, there's so much that was left.

[B]

So you talked to his wife and, like, went deep on it, and you didn't like where it was.

[A]

It wasn't. My. My particular set of skills and talent aren't in a very kind of. It's almost like a procedural where there's. There's. There's fairly strict parameters. You're expected to work in those parameters. And I. You know, and I've done tons of shit, but it just didn't. It didn't. It wasn't my thing, and I shouldn't have been. I felt bad for the director, who I don't think cared for me and was also, I think, not psyched that I was. I. When I first went to meet him, he was less than enthusiastic. And I got the feel also, I was cast pretty late, so I got the feeling there was probably somebody he wanted.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Wasn't available, maybe was in it, and then couldn't do it. It's like, this is all speculative. I don't know. And then. And it's. It's, I think, the only time ever on a set where I was like. Like he was giving me direction that he just didn't. It just wasn't clicking right. And that happens sometimes, rarely, but it will happen where you're like, I'm trying to give you what you want, not what I want. I'm trying to give you what you want. And I. And it's just give me a second to try to get there, because I don't know exactly what you're looking for. I have an idea, and I'm trying to get there. But, you know, and then one of those things where he gave me, like. Like the same kind of thing. Like, I thought I just did that and what. And just. And I needed to talk to him instead of shouting across a soundstage and did that kind of frustrating thing like, hey, man, can we, like, stopped. Can we. Can we go outside and talk? Let's go. Like one of those. I've. I don't think I've ever done that before.

[B]

How did that feel?

[A]

Well, it was just out of frustration. And then I ended up one of the producers who I have worked with before on. Boy, I'm being really vague about this.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I get it. I understand.

[A]

I wonder if I should just say.

[B]

I mean, I'd love. I think we all. Everyone on smithandwilensky.com would love to know.

[A]

So it was the show. Genius. And I was playing Jerry Wexler, and. And I will say at you Know, it was eight episodes, and I think it was in six of them. So at the end of shooting, in fact, in the. In the one of the last scenes we shot, if not the last scene, where it's much more. It was the Aretha Franklin story, and I go to visit her towards the very end, and it's two old friends kind of catching up and that. And we got to riff. I got to riff, you know, which is always helpful for me.

[B]

You know, even just. Even if they don't use it, it just loosens you up and you find it.

[A]

Yeah. And that really worked in a way where you want to go, can we just reshoot everything and do it this way?

[B]

Well, I mean, that's the funny thing for. I think if you come at all of this as like a comedian, writer, you know, kind of actor, first our instinct is just like, let me just massage all this, and then I can come back to it or not. But so it's interesting. I mean, that's the fun thing about doing the all in every night and about doing a play is like, you have every night to change your make different choices. It's not like when you're shooting something, you're like, well, I hope we got it on Wednesday, because that's it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You just keep to get going back in and kind of massaging it and trying to get the lines in a way that work like that, which is, like, fun. And usually not my instinct, which is just like, can I just change? Or like, I'll have written or be like, can I just change this? And now make this funnier words as opposed to, like, making better choices. So I.

[A]

But it's also about the. Sometimes rewriting dialogue is just a matter of swapping out a word or something that sounds more natural to the character.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it's not like a criticism. It's not like, so I got rid of these lines that sucked and put in my own lines that are better. It's just about little nuance things that will help sell the character. That's the way the character might speak.

[B]

And. Do you like me? If it's a sort of.

[A]

I like you. I think you're all right.

[B]

Do you like me? I'm okay.

[A]

Jeff won.

[B]

Okay, great. I just immediately passed out. Most of the things that I ever get cast in that's sort of like more on the dramatic side is like a biopic, and it's to play a Jew in the 60s.

[A]

Well, were there Jews in the 60s.

[B]

It might have been the golden age.

[A]

I haven't gotten that many? No, not really. I'm trying to think. Well, obviously, Wexler.

[B]

Have you played. I feel like.

[A]

Oh, and. Oh, what am I talking about? Allen Ginsberg. And then I played Allen Ginsberg's father to Daniel. I'm not kidding.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

In another movie.

[B]

Yeah, I played. You've played the entire Ginsburg catalog?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If they ever make a Patti Smith movie, you'll get to play Ginsburg in that as well.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

I hope God will think I'm going out for Paddy. I don't know if I'm gonna get it.

[A]

Good luck.

[C]

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[A]

About Jews being a 60s jewelry. Yeah, I mean I'm not Timothee Chalamet.

[B]

You're not?

[A]

No, not anymore. I got. Since the fucking court decided.

[B]

But I'm, I am genuine. I just want to say for everyone out there, I'm genuinely sorry that you don't get to be Timothee Chalamet anymore.

[A]

Yeah, it's a bummer. I mean I was doing well until he started acting and then the whole thing just went south.

[B]

It kind of, it fell apart and I don't, and I don't blame him either.

[A]

No, it's just circumstance.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

You know, but if I had to.

[B]

Choose a Chalamet well, thank you.

[A]

I appreciate it.

[B]

I'm choosing Cross's Shallow.

[A]

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Well, a lot of people did. I think that's why there was a little bit of competition there.

[B]

Sure. For a while. And then he eventually, obviously pulled. Pulled ahead and.

[A]

Yeah, slightly. It's. It remains to be seen.

[B]

He did win the popular vote.

[A]

Yes, he did. But I was. He was in Dune and I was in Dude. So, you know, at the same time they came out and it was very confusing to people.

[B]

Is there any word about when Dune wears. My car is coming out.

[A]

Yeah. When I think when Cracked magazine gets back together.

[B]

Cracked is up and running as a. As a dot com.

[A]

I know that. That I know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you remember. Did you. Were you. I mean, you're younger than me, so you did. I don't know if you ever got in a Mad magazine or.

[B]

I had a period where, like, I had a friend who loved Mad magazine. So I was. And then I just bought my son a Mad magazine.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And it's. Boy, is. It's dated.

[A]

Yeah. Well, it's stuff that I really loved when I was 7 and 8. Like, this is really funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then when you're like, oh, adults are writing this and they think it's really funny, it's a strange evolution to make, but I loved Mad. But I remember when Cracked came out and it was, you know, it was the poor man's Mad because it was literally cheaper and Mad had Alfred E. Newman as the mascot and then Cracked was like the weird janitor guy.

[B]

Yeah, they had a catatone guy.

[A]

Yeah, it's like a blonde guy with like one of those weird Dutch boy hats and. And then there was an even shorter lived comedy magazine called Plop. Plop? Yeah. For real.

[B]

And that was like the. That was like the. The. The minor leagues of Cracked and Mad.

[A]

Mad was major leagues. Cracked was minor leagues. And Plop was like Special Olympics. I think.

[B]

Plop. I guess that's funny because it sounds like. What? It sounds like what a shit. The noise a shit makes.

[A]

Yeah. As we're told. You know, I wouldn't know, but that's.

[B]

You've never. You still haven't made.

[A]

I still haven't. I still haven't made.

[B]

You haven't made a BM yet?

[A]

Is that what you say to your kids?

[B]

Have you, honey, have you made a BM yet today? I say that to my child. That's how I talk to my child.

[A]

Honey, do you speak baby talk to your kids?

[B]

I know. I don't think so my. I mean, I do. I mean, I do like a little. You know, what I do is I do Elmo for them.

[A]

Well, that's not what I mean. I mean, like. Like calling water Wawa or anything like that. Like, some people speak baby talk to their kids.

[B]

No, no, I don't think so. I. Since. Since they're three months old, I speak to them like my attorney. Incredibly formal. Or like when you go to the doctor and you want to sound like you have a good grasp of what's happening to your body. Like, I'll do that with my children. Right. Yeah. Do you have. With an 8 year old. Are you talking to your kid? Like, is it like talking to an adult?

[A]

I've done that since she was a kid. And intentionally.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I don't change my vocabulary. I mean, I. Bob Bowden Crook gave me some really good advice, or not necessarily advice, but just told me he does this. And then I started doing as well, where you use synonyms whenever you can. So you would say, you know, any. Any kind of, you know. Well, that. That made me upset. I was angry. You know, you use two words that mean the same thing, basically. And, you know, and they don't even notice necessarily. But you're always giving them. You're expanding their vocabulary. And she has a very good vocabulary. You know, but also, myself and my wife are verbal people.

[B]

Yeah. And I'm sorry to say that. Ask this, but who is Bob Odenkirk?

[A]

Oh, he Let me.

[B]

Yeah. Do you have a phone?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna Google.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Hang on a second. Bob. Emma, how do you spell Odenkirk? Is it with a. Oh, oh, here we go. American actor and comedian. Okay. Oh, okay. He.

[B]

Bob Odenkirk.

[A]

Odenkirk. O, D, E, N. Kirk Odenburg. Kirk.

[B]

Oh, Kirk.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. So he was in an episode of Seinfeld.

[B]

Oh, he did Jerry Seinfeld's show. Yeah, I know Jerry. I know who. Jerry Seinfeld.

[A]

Well, who doesn't?

[B]

Right?

[A]

He was in Fargo. He was in How I Met yout Mother, the cable guy, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[B]

But. But how I met your mother.

[A]

American dad. Oh, okay, that's Everybody Loves Raymond.

[B]

Oh, with my dad from Seinfeld.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. Right. Wayne's World 2.

[B]

I know that film.

[A]

I don't know what this stuff is. Oh, I think that's like a voiceover In Incredibles 2 and something called Take Me Home Tonight.

[B]

Looks like Take Me Home Tonight.

[A]

Oh, an entourage.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

So that's. Why were we Talking about him.

[B]

He was talking about expanding your child's vocabulary.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. The guy from Entourage. Entourage, yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Did you grow up in New York?

[B]

I grew up in the suburbs.

[A]

You have that vibe to me.

[B]

I do, yeah.

[A]

Like Westchester.

[B]

Yes, exactly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sort of confident. Privilege confident.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[B]

You grew up in. You. Wait, you were in. I remember. Okay. I remember the first time I hung out with you was at Bonnaroo years and years and years ago.

[A]

Oh, when we did the. You might. You might be a deadneck.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, wow. That was the first time we hung out.

[B]

I mean, I think I'd. Maybe I'd probably met you before. This is like Bonru. Like, 2006.

[A]

This is a long time ago.

[B]

Long time ago. And this is probably, like, around there. I think we'd probably met before, but that was the first time we hung out. And I found out that you were like. Had been in Westchester, but then. Had been in Georgia.

[A]

Yeah. Mostly Georgia.

[B]

Yes. Which was like. I had. No. I remember being like, huh. I had no idea that that's where you had spent so much of your childhood.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But. Yeah. Were you in White Plains?

[A]

I was. That's a good memory. Yeah. My grandmom, she was born in Yonkers, but then lived in White Plains pretty much from her 20s when she got married, you know, early 20s, and just was there on. Right off of Mamaroneck Avenue.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And. And that's where my mom, you know, grew up. And. And. And we lived there. We. You know, my dad was. Or is. I'm not. I can't believe he's still alive. He might not be. I don't know. But he was just.

[B]

A great dude.

[A]

A great dude. He was the Smith of the Smith and Wolinsky empire. And so we were constantly moving. We had no money. He would get fired or quit or whatever. And then for, I don't know, half a year, we had to live at my grandmom's, which she did.

[B]

In White Plains.

[A]

In White Plains. She did not care for. Not. Not a big house at all. And so I was there. And also I lived in Hartsdale, and. Yeah, that's it. So. And then. But that would also be near White Plains. We'd go to my grandmom's for.

[B]

Yeah, I. I went to school in White Plains for elementary school. And I. I don't want to brag, but I. I did work in the candy department at Bloomingdale's.

[A]

Oh, I remember that. I remember when the Bloomingdales got built.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that Was a big deal.

[B]

Yeah. It was not. It was. I was.

[A]

Before that was just Alexander's. No, no.

[B]

Then it was Bloomingdale's. Yeah. And if you go to the basement, I remember, I. You want to get jelly beans or Godiva chocolates with that. Had been there so long that the white had started to kind of COVID it. On a Tuesday night, you come and you'd see me.

[A]

Okay, so what year. What era is this?

[B]

This is like. Like mid-90s. Like, 90. I was.

[A]

Oh, that was the time.

[B]

Junior senior in high school. This is stores.

[A]

White Plains was hopping.

[B]

White Plains was popping in the mid-90s. We had one guy who went to White Plains High School, played college basketball.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[B]

So that was a pretty big deal.

[A]

Are you the biggest celebrity that came out of your school?

[B]

I went to a school in Rye. I went to Rye Country Day. And before me, the biggest celebrity was probably another very celebrated comedian, Barbara Bush. So it's me. Yeah, it's kind of me and Barbara Bush.

[A]

Right. Okay. Do you guys ever get together and have. Because you have that commonality.

[B]

Yeah, we have that commonality where we. We. We want people to sleep in stadiums.

[A]

Why would I ever. What was her quote about the war? Why would I ever.

[B]

Like, whatever. Yeah.

[A]

Something about My beautiful mind with that. Why would I ever bother. Trouble. My. My beautiful mind.

[B]

Yeah, I. But, yeah, we. I gave. I, like, gave the graduation speech at my high school, but not because I was, like, valedictorian, just because I, like. They were like, maybe this will be funny, you know? And then I kind of made it not funny and made it like a metaphor for jazz, because I was really into jazz at that point, and then had a.

[A]

That sounds terrible.

[B]

It was. And had a trumpeter to play, like, the head of, like, Caravan and then. And that. But I. He missed. I missed his cue. And then I sort of talked about problems the administration was having with the student body and the teachers, and it just. It. It was not funny. It kind of bombed, and the school was really pissed at me. And then for years on Wikipedia, it said that I. I exposed my genitals to the crowd at the graduation speech.

[A]

But you didn't.

[B]

I didn't.

[A]

You didn't?

[B]

No. So if someone wants to go back to my Wikipedia and change that back, they're welcome.

[A]

Was that like, you think a disgruntled student put that in there?

[B]

I think it was like someone remembered me bombing, and it was like, they. What? The closest they could come was like, it's like he took his dick out and nobody Liked it.

[A]

That seems like something you might want to own, Lee. Like, yeah, I did.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, Yeah. I took my dick out at my high school graduation and I did not.

[A]

Put it back in for like a month and a half.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just hanging out there.

[B]

Yeah. And it got really chapped being exposed to the elements that much.

[A]

Well, that's. Well. Well, graduation is usually in the spring.

[B]

Summer, spring, summer. This is.

[A]

The elements aren't going to.

[B]

It was a hot summer, you know what I mean? It tanned and then it burned.

[A]

Oh, no. Oh, because you fell asleep.

[B]

Because I fell asleep at Playland.

[A]

Did you see that documentary about action park?

[B]

No, I never. I can't believe I. And I really wanted to go, like, speaking of like.

[A]

Oh, fuck, yeah, those, those ads when I was younger. Action park, the, the. The like kind of wheelie thing. I was like, I. You gotta see the documentary. Chris Gethard is, is in it.

[B]

Oh, right. Cause it was like a jersey kind of.

[A]

It's. Oh, it's an awesome. It's. It's amazing. It's like a sketch. It's like a Mr. Show sketch where people like particularly the Devastator, but people are constantly being injured in really bad ways. Really bad ways. And they, and they have this one segment where they show the guy who took over the park and he has designed this kind of loop de loop, enclosed loop de loop thing where he didn't figure out the. Never even thought to figure out the physics of getting. Zipping down this thing at X amount of speed and then what happens to the body when it does this thing? And people were getting, I mean, like, you know, multiple fractures and I mean, it's terrible.

[B]

It's terrible. But the idea that somebody doesn't really work through the physics of a loop de loop is.

[A]

It's one of the best parts of it because they, they show his drawing, right? And, and just, you know, looking at it and then they interview people who are like, yeah, so I did this. I went on the. Whatever it was, the, the speedboat bumper things, and I dislocated my shoulder. And then I have a steel plate in this. You know, it's just like constantly people.

[B]

Talking about like, would you go back and. Absolutely. But I remember seeing those commercials and being like, I want to go there more than anywhere, but. But I. We would go like, if you were ever in any sort of ski town during the summer back then also had those, like, you'd get in those tiny little car, like tiny little carts that would go down like a, like a, A cement like raceway kind of thing. And it was just like everybody breaking arms. Just. Everybody just burnt.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

From like sliding down. It was. But you just wanted it.

[A]

Well, one of the things they talk about in the film is the. Is. Is you kind of. Or the kids were wearing that as a badge, as it were. Like, what happened? Oh, broke my arm at Action Park. Oh, cool. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I mean that's, that's some real like Jersey pride.

[A]

And it also. They don't really. Well, maybe they do address. But the, the. It was back in such a more permissive era where like kids like 12, 13 year olds are just like, all right, have a good time. You know how, you know, take the bus back and da, da, da, da. And these kids are just going off on their own and they're getting high and.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, doing. Writing these completely unethical, dangerous. Yeah.

[B]

Well, now we are like everyone, all those kids are. They're all being tracked. Like there's not the freedom and the true lack of lawsuits that. That they had then.

[A]

Well, there's. I was just seeing somebody very recently. Where was it? North Carolina? I don't know. I'm not sure. But somebody a moment was arrested for letting her kid walk home from teenager. Walk home from school.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. I don't know what the result was and if it was just sort of laughed out of or if they were serious. But I mean, people are fucking nuts, you know? Yeah, yeah. It's just, it's crazy.

[B]

I hope and we can cut this that if my, you know, kid's like a big time school shooter that I don't get arrested for it.

[A]

Well, I think if your kids, I'm going to say if they shoot up a school, if it's. If there are 10 victims or more. Yes. I think you should have part of the blame. 10 or less. I mean, come on. You know what I mean?

[B]

Do you, do you let your daughter carry? She.

[A]

Does she have a. Oh, yeah, it's mandatory. Yeah. That's why we're moving from New York.

[B]

To Texas to get that baby. To get that under 10 gun license.

[A]

Yep. You don't even need a license. You just. It's fine. License is like just government red tape.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know this regulatory nonsense. Choking, choking the economy.

[B]

You know what I recently got was a license. Chill.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we're. They still have those?

[B]

Yeah, it's. And, And I'm specifically in Margaritaville. I'm allowed to do that.

[A]

Licensed. Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So is that Sammy Hagar? What's it, the Red Rocker?

[B]

Yeah, exactly. So that's that's been good. That's been really.

[A]

Is that like, what do you have to do to get that? Is that like a test or is it a test?

[B]

It's a test. It's like I have to have a. Specifically a tan sort of barrel chested body that I have to attain by a certain date.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And once I do that, then it's. As soon as I get to an airport, I get to. I have to have two drinks. Right. Both taking off and arriving.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And. And then, you know, two, two to at least three marriages.

[A]

And so.

[B]

And.

[A]

But that's. And when you do sign up, you automatically get the T shirt. Do they send the T shirt to you? Do you get it?

[B]

Then you get the T shirt immediately. And it. You make sure. You have to make sure that it immediately is two sizes too small.

[A]

Right. Okay. And how is that different from your license to illustrate?

[B]

Oh, that. Well, that is. License to Ill is specifically. I only talk about that music hasn't been good since the Beastie Boys and I exclusively talk about like my skateboarding days and that I. I still. I'm going to teach my kid.

[A]

Oh, right.

[B]

And so that's sort of where the difference lies.

[A]

How about applying for it?

[B]

What's the application to apply for a license to Ill? Yeah, that's more complicated. That requires like, like kind of ebay adidas. Like, it's a lot of time spent on ebay searching for Adidas.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And. And then also just like talking about wondering where the Knitting Factory went.

[A]

And what about your license to spill? When did that. Oh, well, that was that a difficult.

[B]

That's really. Come on. Since the Parkinson's.

[A]

Oh, gosh. So you have to get a license for that even though you have Parkinson's? Yes, Get a license for the Parkinson's.

[B]

You have to get a license for the Parkinson's.

[A]

And then you're allowed to spill.

[B]

Then you're allowed to spill anytime.

[A]

Wow, man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And your license to thrill. What was that?

[B]

Oh, my God. Well, that was three weeks at Neverland Ranch.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

What did you have to do?

[A]

This is pre.

[B]

Humously and posthumously.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah, you got to. Yeah, I had to be there in the 90s. I was a giraffe wrangler, Neverland Ranch, and also a sleepover buddy. And then afterwards I've been trying to sell the place. I'm the broker if anyone should. I'm the broker for Neverland Ranch, currently for sale.

[A]

Wow. Okay. And you were an sb?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And what about Your license to krill, where you're labeled to go into the.

[B]

Ocean and get that is much easier. That's just, that's just going to like any of your fish. And your favorite fish and tackle place, obviously smithmolinski.com they'll direct you straight to any, any fish and tackle place that you're into. Go to the gotosmithandmonski.com I like Rudy's.

[A]

Which is off of 17B.

[B]

Yes. If you're. Yeah. If you had the chance. Or now diff. Separate. But Rudy's Barber Shop. Now fellow barber shop. You can go in there and get it and get it.

[A]

And they'll. They'll give you krill.

[B]

They'll give you krill.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And you get a pomade. A krill. And then you just go straight to any sort of tide pool you can find. Get yourself in there. You muscle out any 4 year old doing science experiments and. And then you get in there your krill. And then. And then you crawl. Obviously you like you License to Crawl. And then you. License to Crawl. A movie that I have been referenced and never seen.

[A]

License to Crawl.

[B]

Crawl.

[A]

Crawl.

[B]

Crawl.

[A]

K R U L L. Oh, the movie Crawl.

[B]

The movie Crawl.

[A]

Oh, like so it's a, it's a license that allows you to see the movie.

[B]

Yes, you can see the movie Crawl, which I have yet, ironically yet to obtain. That's.

[A]

But you do have the license.

[B]

Yes, I have the license.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But I have to get it.

[A]

Is it laminated? What kind of.

[B]

Yeah, it's a fake.

[A]

Oh, right.

[B]

I got a fake Jersey. License to crawl. It's laminated and there's like a hologram. But it's bullshit.

[A]

Okay, well, my eyes have been opened. You know, we learned a lot.

[B]

Look, it's a. We live in this kind of. We live in this highly administered bureaucratic liberal bureaucracy.

[A]

It's bullshit.

[B]

All this woke police. Yeah, I don't. Can I get started?

[A]

Yeah, please. I know you had before said don't get me started. I know, but now you're asking to get started.

[B]

Can I.

[A]

You can get started. Please get started.

[B]

Okay. Is it true that they're doing a remake of woke Police Academy? Is that true? Are you involved?

[A]

It is absolutely true. It's animated. It's for Fox animation. Domination, Frustration, Abomination, Weeknd Block.

[B]

It's you and Brewer. And then who else?

[A]

The late. Who's the comic who yelled? Who did that flat?

[B]

Kinnison. Oh no. Gilbert Gottfried.

[A]

Yeah, the late Gilbert Gottfried. And Jeff Dunham. Well, sort of. Jeff Dunham. Yeah, Peanut, the Woozle.

[B]

How is it recording with. Do you guys record together or do you record, like. Do you record with the people with Peanut when you're doing the show?

[A]

I record with Peanut and then Jeff will be linked up via, you know, like a.

[B]

He's on Zoom or whatever.

[A]

Yeah, it's not Zoom, but it's one of those type of things.

[B]

Google Meet or a Skype ISDN line. And he's so he's there.

[A]

But Peanuts, he does his. Through Starlink, through Elon Musk. Okay, great. And then, yeah, the Peanut is in the room and, you know, he's got a whole team and, you know, Peanut does. Peanut does. Yeah.

[B]

Jeff's actually very easy.

[A]

Oh. Super downhill, super chill. Down to earth.

[B]

The Peanut.

[A]

Peanut is. I mean, he's fine. He's famous, but he's definitely, you know, carries that thing into a room.

[B]

And do you guys, like, improvise or do you stay pretty close to the script?

[A]

I. I improvise. Peanut is. I mean, it's absolutely. There's. It throws him too. And there's a. It's like stick.

[B]

He's got his cues and he knows what he's doing.

[A]

Stick to the script.

[B]

Well, and he really.

[A]

And he'll tell me, hey, I'm a professional, but in a funny voice. I'm a professional.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Let's be professional that you like that. That's kind of funny. I wasn't even trying.

[B]

Yeah, no, it's funny. But that's the thing with Peanut, as he says to me, as also Richard Kind has said to me, is I love the words. I'll work with the words. And Peanut and Richard are both that way. They're both theater, obviously. Theater guys.

[A]

Theater guys. Yeah. They must really disrespect and are frustrated by people like you and me.

[B]

Yeah. You know, but that tension is what makes woke Police Academy work. I think that's what will make it work when it comes out in five years.

[A]

I know they're doing a. A reissue or a box set type thing of synchronicity, but by the woke Police.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

So they're redoing it lyrics and music and stuff.

[B]

And does woke Sting and woke the other guy.

[A]

Andy Summers.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who are the three guys that are Sting, Stuart Copeland. Stuart Copeland, brother of Miles Copeland, who started IRS Records. Really? Yep.

[B]

And do they. Is that. Are those guys. Are those ones who like, talk, don't talk. Sting and Stuart Copeland.

[A]

Yeah. I think Andy was like the, you know, amiable.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Guy. And. And I think Stuart and Gordon Sumner. This is Sting's real name. Or. I'm sorry, Sting is his real name. Gordon Sumner is his nickname. Right, his stage name.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Yeah. They were at. You know, they were. They were butting heads, and that's.

[B]

And that was like, you and. And who was the guy. What was the name of the guy from Mr. Show with you?

[A]

Let me look it up. Mr. Show with Bob and David.

[B]

You're David and who's Bob?

[A]

I'm David, obviously.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Bob is. I don't think it says here. I don't see the man show. No.

[B]

And Mr. Show is different than the man show. No, same thing.

[A]

Same thing. Oh, it's Bob Odenkirk, the guy we were talking about before.

[B]

From Entourage.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, the guy from Entourage. Yeah. I want to. We referenced it very briefly, but I want to talk about. So at Bonnaroo. I don't know whose idea this was. Sounds like your idea. It was you, me, and Aziz, and I feel like it was. That sounds like. I don't know.

[B]

I have no idea. It was a wordplay bit.

[A]

It's possible you might be a deadneck if. And it was about the. It was like taking Jeff Foxworthy's you might be a redneck if. And then, you know, you just plug in the joke.

[B]

Right. But it was specifically if you were, like, a fan of the Grateful Dead. And a redneck.

[A]

And a redneck.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then the three of us sat on chairs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, cause wait, I think I was doing a set. It was in the tent.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And then I brought you guys on, I think. So that's how it works.

[B]

If you.

[A]

Yeah, if. And they were. And we each. We didn't tell each other what they were, but we each wrote, like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ten of them or something.

[B]

I'm trying to remember. I don't remember any of the specific ones now. Oh, but by the way, congrats to headgum on their 2022, official honoree for the Webby Awards.

[A]

Oh, that's got that. On Hollywood Boulevard. It's a thing where they just have. You can put in anything.

[B]

But that's great.

[A]

No, no, but it's on. It's a fake. It's.

[B]

But on Hollywood Boulevard.

[A]

Hollywood Boulevard.

[B]

That's great.

[A]

Well, it doesn't not. I mean, sure.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I mean, it's not really. It doesn't mean anything. It's like, you know, the stores where you get the Oscars, as, you know, World's greatest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dad. You're not really the world's greatest dad.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Because you'll see, like, I don't know, 100 plus of those cups and those awards.

[B]

Well, I got. So I. Cause I've got. I got that award.

[A]

You got an Oscar or.

[B]

No, I got a World's Greatest Dad Award.

[A]

Yeah. It's not. It's not official is what I'm trying.

[B]

To say, but I have a license to. A license to sip. Couldn't come up with an L. A license to swill. Oh, and it's a World's Greatest dad shot glass. Oh, and just backwash. It's everybody's backwash. And I just swill it.

[A]

If you. You might be a deadneck. If you. I don't remember.

[B]

You might be a deadneck.

[A]

You might be a deadneck.

[B]

Yeah, it was like if you wear Birkenstocks but are also married to your sister.

[A]

That was the. Much more clever than that. But that was the tenor of the joke. I think that would have been a first.

[B]

That would have been a first draft of a. You might be a Dead Nick.

[A]

You might be a Dead Nick.

[B]

Yeah. I think that was when I was like, oh, wow, you're George. I remember being like, oh, your Southern accent is much more specific because of living. I haven't been to Bonnaroo in many years, but that was always. I would, like, do. I want to go out. Do you. Have you been back. Have you been back in recent years at all?

[A]

No, not in recent years. I think the last. I mean, I used to do those festivals all the time, but just trying to get free.

[B]

I was just trying to get free stuff.

[A]

Well, I think pretty much because of Mr. Show and then anything that followed after that. And this is a real thing, though. But I'd say, listen, I'm happy to do it, but I need a All access pass for everything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I can't. I know this from experience. I can't enjoy the band I'm going to see because people are, like, trying to take a picture or talking to me, you know, nice people. But it's like, I really want to see this band, you know, And. And so. But that's never been an issue. And then it's the coolest thing in the world. You're hanging in the wings, right. Watching, oh, Kendrick Lamar or Metallica or.

[B]

I feel like I haven't been. I have not been to a. I have not done many. I have, in recent years have done fewer of those kinds of festivals.

[A]

Yeah. I haven't done one in quite a while, but I used to do tons of them.

[B]

I do. I. I remember one night At Bonru. This was a few years later. I was there. It was like some of the guys from the. I was there with the. This show, the league that I was on and the workaholics guys were there and their show had just come out and we were all like doing the shows and running around and you'd stay and like they'd put you up at like a double tree.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. You have to walk down the highway.

[B]

Yes. I remember crossing the street and going to Chick Fil a with you guys.

[A]

Oh yeah, that's right.

[B]

Yeah. And crossing the highway.

[A]

Yeah, cross the highway. Plus it's in the middle of nowhere.

[B]

Murfreesboro.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

The worst named city I've ever heard.

[A]

Well, you can bring that up with the Murphs Freeze. Because it was there. It's their borough.

[B]

Yeah. Do you know that the Murfrees are related to the Wolinsky?

[A]

Yes, I did. Yeah, I did know that.

[B]

Through marriage.

[A]

Yep. Yep. Shotgun marriage.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

They had a marry shotguns. True. It was. It's an old redneck thing.

[B]

An old tenant. If you marry your own shotgun and also trade cassette tapes from Cornell 91.

[A]

What was I gonna say it was about? Oh, just I. I remember the first time I went to Bonnaroo. How deeply impressed I was with. How do you run this thing? Put this thing together. It is. The logistics are insane. And it worked really well. Like by the time I did my first show there, they had probably been around for it had probably you know, at least four years and. And it's just this massive undertaking and I've done, you know, I did bumper shoot maybe 10 times outside lands in San Francisco and. Fun, fun, fun.

[B]

Yeah, I've done fun fun Fan fun.

[A]

It's good. They're all good. And Fuck yeah Fest, which I don't think exists anymore. Is that still around in the one in la?

[B]

Yeah, I don't think so.

[A]

That was a smaller.

[B]

Yeah, but that park, that's a cool little. That's a cool park downtown. Yeah, it's kind of LA area, but I, I did. Yeah. I. That it is a crazy undertaking. But I remember doing outside.

[A]

You nailed it. Like. Yeah, there wasn't one.

[B]

It's crazy that you have like massive bands coming in and out all day at like eight or nine stages and.

[A]

People who need a. Attending to. Some people get sick, some people, you know, drugs or drinking in the sun or whatever it is. And, and, and the logistics of getting a, you know, a sound check in for the band and then. And the band might be late because, you know, you're going into whatever, Nashville maybe, and then driving. I can't remember where you fly into.

[B]

I don't know if it's national or Knoxville or something like that.

[A]

And then you got to go get transportation and. And it. And you know, you have hard outs on your time. And it's just amazing what they're able to do.

[B]

It is this funny thing, I think, with you think about, like, I'm gonna get into music and just have fun. And then, like, most of the people involved in that world are like, have to be massive logistics monsters, like you are constantly.

[A]

And that's not how my brain works.

[B]

No, no, no. We were there. We were kind of hanging out and having fun. And then there was like, the last van back to Murfreesboro. And I'm in the car with, like, with those guys, you know, a couple of guys from League and the Workaholics guys. And we are waiting for one guy. Like, we're all in the van, just, like, waiting. It's like 2:30 in the morning. We've all been there all day long. We're just like, waiting to get back. And we're waiting and waiting and waiting. And we're backstage or behind, like, behind the stage at, like, Neil Young is playing. And we're not even watching Neil Young. We're all just in the car waiting until this one guy gets in. And it's the guy. There was a guy who played the saxophone in, like, public spaces. He would play like. Like, I don't know what. It was one of those, like. Like, you know, fucking sax riffs. And he would. It was just like one of those viral phenoms that, like, happens. And he got on stage and played with Neil Young. And we all just were, like, waiting for some fucking dude. Anyway, we then went to Steak and Shake.

[A]

That's not a very good story.

[B]

No, it's not a great story. As I was telling it, I was like, right, this is not gonna have the payoff that I want. But then we went to the Steak and Shake in Murfreesboro.

[A]

Good fries.

[B]

Good fries we got in there with. For you. If you haven't been to Steak and Shake, it's like Johnny Rockets on meth. And we get in there and with those guys and the. We're the only ones there. And the restaurant cannot believe that the dudes from the League and the dudes from Workaholic are there. Like, we gotta smoke you out. So everybody leaves the restaurant. The entire staff were in the parking lot. And then you just Hear the smoke alarms going off. Fully left food just. And then the guy from the song comes back and finishes this story off with a bow.

[A]

The guy from the song.

[B]

Yeah, the guy from the song License to Chill. The guy from. The fucking guy with the saxophone was playing with Neil Young, you know. Can we edit? This is live. Is this going live on Smith and Wollensky?

[A]

Yeah. This is a corporate retreat for everybody in. Or the higher ups in Smith and Wilensky. It's their thank you to the people who work hard to make them. You know, it's part of a food group. It's not just Smith and Melonsky.

[B]

It's not just Smith and Wollensky.

[A]

No. It's Capital Grill. It's the Fish Bones. It's Captain D's Seafood. It's Panda Express. It's. What am I missing anybody? It's a big food group.

[B]

It's a big food group. It's got sparrows. Yes. And also La Famiglia Pizza.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So.

[A]

And Tim Hortons.

[B]

Tim Hortons is on the Canadian side. Thank you to the Canadian team for being here as well. And I guess this is pre written stuff that we have to do. Hey, Marcia, your maternity leave is over. So no more work from home. Your child is going to be fine. So that's from the higher ups. That's from David, obviously, that.

[A]

Marcia, that was. Where do I. Over here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hi. So Marcia, that was from me. That's not. Corporate didn't.

[B]

Sorry. Yes, Marcia, that is from David. That's something he wrote and. But corporate did sign off on the joke before. All of this has been pre approved.

[A]

Yeah. Well, so they say. We'll find out later.

[B]

We'll find out because this obviously is streaming live for Smith and Wolensky's on the. On the Hub. Everyone across the. And all the food group. But also there will be a edited down version.

[A]

We'll send you that link. But just keep enjoying your time. I know you've split the groups into. Some people are in Aspen enjoy that. And other folks are in downtown Albuquerque.

[B]

So. Yes. And we'll do breakout rooms after. Once the comedy portion is done. We'll do breakout rooms. Obviously, if you're in downtown Albuquerque, the apocalypse is upon you. And so you know what show they shot in Albuquerque?

[A]

Yes. Batman. Batman.

[B]

Batman. Yes, the Batman show.

[A]

And Carol Burnett.

[B]

And Carol. All of the. And so anyone obviously will be going to the Harvey Corman Sparrows in Albuquerque, obviously. Lunch on us. It's part of the food group.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And so. And all you, Tim Conway Heads. Yeah.

[A]

Get. Get ready.

[B]

Yeah. Tim Conway's Cronuts in downtown Albuquerque.

[A]

Downtown. Have you been to Albuquerque?

[B]

I haven't. It's not.

[A]

Not great.

[B]

Yeah. You know, they. They shot that show St.

[A]

Elsewhere.

[B]

St. Elsewhere there, I think. Right. With Howie Mandela.

[A]

Yep. He put the balloon, like the glove, the latex glove over. Yeah. It's a really clever bit. He would put the glove and then seal it like so. The bottom of the glove was over his head and the bottom of the glove was on his upper lip. And then he would blow with his nose and it would blow up and then he'd make funny faces.

[B]

And that was. And then that was like a full season of St. Elsewhere.

[A]

Yes. And then in multiple languages. And then. And then he turned to the camera go. Deal or no Deal?

[B]

You tell me, were you ever on Deal or no Deal? Did you ever get.

[A]

Twice. Yeah.

[B]

Congrats. You and Meghan Markle were both suitcase.

[A]

Suitcase.

[B]

Suitcase girls.

[A]

Yeah. Back then it couldn't say girl. Now you can. So they tried to make it, you know, not gender specific, so. Suitcase Buddy. Yeah. And I was on twice. Once as a suitcase buddy and then another time I won $50 million.

[B]

And that's how you've paid to do this podcast?

[A]

I mean. Yeah. Are you out of pocket on this? I'm out of pocket. I still owe. Obviously. That's why we don't have light bulbs in there. Sure. Because we'll come around.

[B]

We'll come around and get that. We'll come around and get that afterwards. We'll come around and then we'll go up and we'll get that.

[A]

I fucking. That's one of my favorite things when you're on set.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then they. You see, the directors are like, doing that. Like a bit about directors where it's like this one I get. All right, you got a frame. You're making a frame. But it's this thing.

[B]

This the one you just did. And then we'll come up.

[A]

For those of you listening. He's gesturing with camera. His fingers is. Anyway, you got to see it.

[B]

It's like a shocker. But to. If everybody was on their side. And I'm doing that as if I'm lifting multiple people.

[A]

Have you directed?

[B]

I've directed, yeah. I just. I'm doing a new show for FX that'll come out sometime this year that I'm producing and I directed some of. I'm not in. And what is it? It's called Adults. It's like a 20 somethings in New York. Kids like in that sort of milieu of. And, yeah, it's really fun. These Ben Cronengold and Rebecca Shaw wrote it. Really funny young writers. And we've just been helping them make it for a long time, and we're finally making it.

[A]

Do you do these things on set?

[B]

I did a little of this. No, I didn't really. I was so. It's so funny. Have you directed? Yeah, it's like. It's weird. It's like, when you've written and produced a ton, it's like you've done, like, most of the job, but then there is this other part of the job that you haven't done, and it's a little. For a second, it's like. It's a little scary.

[A]

For sure. Yeah. The first time you tackle it. And I've had the exact same experience where you, you know, you're starring something you wrote and you're producing, which means, you know, you have been a part of it from the inception all the way to pre production, where you're deciding all these things. Then you hire a director. And then, you know, I. My personality is. I feel. I truly, truly feel bad for some of the directors I've hired because. And I'm not. I'm not being facetious here, because I. They would say something or they'd have an idea, and I'd be like, no, no, no, we're not gonna do that. Let's do it this way, or whatever. And. And I would always talk to them when we were hiring, you know, and say, you know, very collaborative. And. And I was never a dick about it, but it was just, you know, it's your thing.

[B]

You have. You've been with it longer. You have.

[A]

They were totally respectful. There was no, like, arguments or anything. I just feel it's like, I've hired you to do the shitty parts of directing.

[B]

Well, that's the thing is, like, when you're directing, part of it is like, oh, you like? So you have to be there. You have to go on all tech scouts. You have to be there at call, and you don't leave until you're absolutely done.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's not that fun. Especially in tv, where it's like, the writer is kind of like, do this, and. But then there is this other thing where it's like, you're the writer, producer, whatever in it. But then, like, it's like, all right, we're done with that setup. You're like, all right, I'm gonna go drink a Diet Coke somewhere right now. And then the director, they're like, what do we do now? And you're like, oh, okay, all right. And you. You. It's that thing of like, do I have every shot? Like, have I gotten every shot?

[A]

Well, if you have a good script supervisor there and you lean on them a lot and, you know. But yeah, it's like when you're doing something that you wrote and. And you're producing it, it's way more fun to direct, you know, because it's just. You've kind of got it and whatever. But, you know, there is that kind of director for hire type thing where it's. When it's your product project and you're not. You're just acting and you wrote and produced it, and you're like, you figure out the. The shit. I don't. You know, you go to the meeting and decide what color the drapes are.

[B]

Yes, yes, totally. You're like. Because there are the things that. I think each person's different. The things that you care about as a writer. Director. Writer, actor. That you care about. Producer. And the things that you're like, yeah, I don't care. I just don't care about this. Because I think that's also another kind of brain. Some of those directors, when you watch, like, people who are like, you know, whatever. Wes Anderson or whatever. He's a director, right?

[A]

No, he has a fried chicken place.

[B]

Oh, Wes Anderson's.

[A]

Oh, that's why they call it Wes Anderson's Fried Chicken Place.

[B]

Place.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I would eat fried chicken made by Wes Anderson.

[A]

I wouldn't really. I mean, if I was hungry. Does it taste good?

[B]

Yeah, it's still. I mean, it looks amazing, I'm sure.

[A]

Is it a little Precious?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Okay, then I would eat it.

[B]

It's fried chicken by Precious. By.

[A]

By the film Precious.

[B]

By the film Precious by Wes Anderson.

[A]

Wow. What if Wes Anderson remade Precious?

[B]

I would go watch it. What I would do is watch a press tour with Monique and Wes Anderson together. I would be thrilled to watch that.

[A]

Man, she was so good in that movie.

[B]

She really was.

[A]

Yeah, the whole movie's good. And also, Mariah Carey was great.

[B]

She's in Precious.

[A]

Yeah, she is. She works at the. The like. Like the housing authority or one of those. The welfare type thing. She's in the office and. And I read something about how the director. She wanted to wear lots of makeup and the director didn't want her to. And she. She really looks. She doesn't have a lot of makeup on. And. And. And it works. Of course, you know, and he would like trick her, saying that we're not shooting yet and stuff and like shoot rehearsals and say, you can go get made up after that, but if you watch it. Yeah, that's. She's good.

[B]

MRI Carey is. And that. She's an. She's a. She's an actor.

[A]

She's in the Masked Singer. Yeah, yeah. She plays the bumblebee.

[B]

I. I got invited. I had a minute where I was like, genuinely was like, what if I did Dancing with the Stars? Like legit, like, no bit just like really went and did it. Like, I was like. There was a part of me that was like. That would be very fun. Like not a moment. Super sincere. And then I got an offer soon after that to do the Masked Dancer and I almost. I was like, well, this is as close as I'm gonna get. And they said that I was, quote, too fat to fit in the costume.

[A]

That's not true.

[B]

Stop. They wouldn't let me do it.

[A]

I would do the Masked Singer.

[B]

I bet. Can you sing?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, those school girl days of telling tales and biting nails are gone I started at too high a register but in my mind I know they will still live on and on but how do you thank someone who has taken you from crayons to perfume it? Alright. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, first of all, all jokes aside, you have a terrible voice.

[A]

Yeah. No, it's not very good. It hurts. It hurts a lot of people.

[B]

No, but you really have a. I should have known by the quality of your speaking voice.

[A]

But you have the quality of my speaking voice.

[B]

Yes, you have a. You have a beautiful tone to your speaking voice, but you're. But you really sing quite beautifully.

[A]

Well, thank you. It's. I spent 20 years as a cantor at Temple Yishmanel.

[B]

Yishmanel. It's just a Yush. Welcome, Cantor David Cross back to Yishmanel. Oh, God. I do have. Yeah. Being a cantor.

[A]

Oh, what was the documentary? Wait, was it capturing the Freedman. I was literally gonna say that that's what the. One of the guys is like, was the cantor. Right.

[B]

Oh, really? I'm sure. Wasn't he a clown or. No, no.

[A]

I'm. Maybe I'm conflating two different docs, but there was a guy who was like, it's probably a different documentary, but this. This little aside here. I was a judge for the documentary competition. Competition or the category at the either Tribeca Film Festival or Gotham or one of those. And is a number of years ago and there were like five or six of us on the. On the, you know, the jury. And we had to watch. We had to watch, I'm gonna say 12 to 14 documentaries. And more than half of them, I. I would be bawling, and you'd have to go do the next one, like, in 20 minutes. And you're. I mean, just the most tragic, fucking heartbreaking stories and, like, getting in the car. All right, what's the next one? You know, getting in there and like, composing yourself and like. I mean, just the saddest things, you know, watching a child die over an hour and a half.

[B]

And did you. And. And then what did you. And then you voted on which. Which was the.

[A]

Yeah. Yes, we. And we had to. I think. I don't know if we came to. Had to come to a consensus or it had to be like, you know, 80% of us, I don't remember. But there were two camps. There was like, the camp I was in that. That. This movie that was so beautiful. I don't remember its name, unfortunately. And it did end up winning Scottish film about some kids, specifically this girl. And these, like, just dead end council flats in this depressed, you know, town where, you know, was it. I can't remember what the industry was, but it shut down. It's just. And this girl's so amazing, and you watch her and then she ends up getting. And every boyfriend is a. One of them ends up going to jail, killing some kid or crippling him. And it's just so sad but hopeful at the end. And. And that one won. But then there was this other one about that was also good. Anyway, to tell you these things about a film I can't give you the name for is, like, frustrating, so I won't do it. But they were.

[B]

And it was genius by Aretha Franklin.

[A]

I mean, it was. I just remember, like, seeing three in a row that just were heartbreaking and going, I can't keep doing this, guys.

[B]

I mean, you're like. And now I'm off to the SVA Theater on 23rd Street. You know, just. But I. I mean, that's. Being a judge for those things just seems difficult because you are, like, gonna go, like, most time. You saw, like, 12 movies in four days.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, porn, I guess I did. I do a lot of porn judging.

[B]

Yeah, you do. And. And you do that. You do that at home alone, or are you doing that home alone, but.

[A]

Via Zoom, so everybody can watch?

[B]

Have you. You have not seen my porn Home Alone yet, right?

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What is the. What happens?

[B]

I mean, the premise is it's tough. It's a man dressed as a seven year old boy and it's a home invasion kind of.

[A]

Oh, so it's like kink play. It's like role playing.

[B]

It's very dark.

[A]

It's very dark, but it's hardcore.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it's great. It's very graphic. And it's called Bone Alone. And anyway, it's available on smithandmolensky.com.

[A]

All right, Nick. So I end every show with a.

[B]

Question, a home invasion porn anecdote with.

[A]

A question from my daughter. This is a real. And you can answer it in any way you see fit. And these are questions she's asked. If I'm going to see Moana 2, do I need to see the first gladiator movie? No, that's not a dumb joke. All right. No, here it is. This is. Why does it feel weird when you breathe with your mouth instead of your nose for a long time?

[B]

That's a good question. Well, I think if you breathe through your mouth and you love nitrous, you might be a dead nick. I think if you breathe through your mouth, it's like you're not, you're, you're not allowing your mouth to stay like salivated and hydrated. And so it like, it starts to dry out and it becomes unpleasant for you, I think. So if you can, you want to. And just for meditative reasons, you want to breathe through your nose. Speaking of, are you, did you do TM or anything like that? David Lynch?

[A]

No.

[B]

No. So you don't care about his passing at all?

[A]

Because I never did transcendental meditation.

[B]

Because you never did transcendental meditation.

[A]

That's exactly right.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. Fuck him. Fuck it.

[B]

Can we, can we just be the first to say, like, fuck David Lynch?

[A]

We're not the first, my friend.

[B]

I never did. I love David Lynch's movies and TV and stuff, but I never did tm. No, I didn't either because I'm fine. I have a license to chill, which is basically like doing tm.

[A]

I have a license to bill. And that joke is going to cost.

[B]

You $1.72, I think. But breathing through your nose and out through your mouth is good. I think if you're like trying to learn how to like meditate, do breath work and that stuff. So does your daughter, like, do you like, teacher to like, is she doing any like. I'm like constantly trying to get myself.

[A]

She can bench about 2:20.

[B]

Yeah. What is she putting up? Is that deadlift or is that off the bench?

[A]

That's off the bench.

[B]

Cause my four year old right now can. Can. He's doing clean and I guess clean and jerk stuff.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And he's putting up about like 125 pounds. Wow, he's ripped. He's one of those really ripped little kids.

[A]

Yeah. Good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Halloween's coming up.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it's coming up. By the way, guys, Happy Halloween. Happy Halloween to everyone in the food group. From Sparrows to Smith and Wolensky's Happy Halloween. Everybody will. It's a mandatory dress up. Even though we're in January. It's mandatory Halloween dress up till we get to Halloween. So you got a nine month period to wear. And whether it's an Iron man costume that David can bring from Times Square that's been covered in soot to, you know, anything you want.

[A]

Anything from like I'm Gumby, dammit.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Is a good.

[B]

That's a good one.

[A]

That's a good Strawberry shortcake.

[B]

Strawberry Shortcake's a great one. If you want to do sort of anything from the Justin Trudeau line, you can do that as well. Now that he's out of power, he's looking to get.

[A]

I actually have a joke that references Justin Trudeau. I'm not kidding. About dress. About Halloween.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, we're doing the Smith and Wollensky's corporate. I don't know if you want to do old material or not. Or is it in the current act?

[A]

It is not. Okay. And I only do it around Halloween.

[B]

Well, check back in for the Halloween corporate that we're doing. What is that, nine months?

[A]

In about nine months. You remember in July when we had our Christmas in July party? Coming up is going to be the Halloween in February party.

[B]

Yeah. We like to just like our customers. We like to keep people on their toes. You never know what to expect.

[A]

We like to keep our customers on their toes.

[B]

That's why our chairs are just 7 inches higher than your normal chair. So that our customers.

[A]

We get it. We don't have to explain it exactly. Thank you, Nick.

[B]

Thanks for having me.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Sense is Working Overtime is a Headgum podcast created and hosted by me, David Cross. The show is edited by Katie Skelton and engineered by Nicole Lyons with supervising producer Emma Foley. Thanks to Demi Druchin for our show Art and Mark Rivers for our theme song. For more podcasts by headgum, visit headgum.com or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts and maybe we'll read it on a future episode.

[A]

I'm not gonna do that.

[C]

Thanks for listening.

[A]

That was a Headgum podcast.