#493 Intimacy Rewired: 6 Pro Tips to Transform Your Relationship

Summary

Shameless Sex Podcast Episode #493

Title: Intimacy Rewired: 6 Pro Tips to Transform Your Relationship
Host: Amy Baldwin (with guest Ian Stratton; April Lampert not present for main content)
Release Date: July 7, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode distills the core lessons from Amy and Ian Stratton’s six-week online course, Intimacy Rewired, into a single, actionable playbook. Aimed at couples—but highly applicable to anyone seeking deeper connection, self-awareness, and sexual empowerment—the conversation provides SIX essential tools ("pro tips") to radically rewire intimacy and strengthen relationships.

Amy and Ian blend personal anecdotes, clinical expertise, and plenty of playful banter, offering “atomic habits” that listeners can put into practice immediately for transformative results. They emphasize practicality, small changes that have big impacts, and the deep connection between self-work and relational satisfaction.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Internal Parts Work: Understanding Your "Inner Cast"

[22:22 - 33:34]

• Concept: Borrowed from Internal Family Systems (IFS), “parts work” identifies that every recurring emotional reaction or behavior is a distinct “part” of the self, intending (however awkwardly) to help us survive and belong.
• Core Insight: All parts, even the uncomfortable or self-sabotaging ones, have good intentions and serve a need (such as protection, soothing, or seeking love).
• Key Practice: When a strong reaction comes up (defensiveness, neediness, withdrawal), pause and internally ask:
  • “What is this part trying to do for me?”
  • “What need is it meeting?”
• Ian on defensiveness:

  "Every time you do it, it's like going to the gym for your psycho-emotional regulation." (31:58)

• Impact: This mindset shift leads to less reactivity and more self-compassion, which over time creates greater emotional regulation and healthier partnership dynamics.

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2. Naming and Sharing Shame

[33:35 - 43:42]

• Concept: Shame thrives in isolation and secrecy—Brené Brown’s work is cited here. The antidote is compassionate sharing.
• Amy's insight:

  "Shame thrives in silence and secrecy and dies or diminishes in empathy, meaning in connection and being witnessed and being shared." (36:17)

• Key Practice:
  • Identify a trusted "shame ally" (friend, therapist, or coach) and practice sharing your shame stories in a safe, contained way. Start small if needed.
  • In groups or partnerships, simply hearing others’ vulnerability can be freeing.
• Ian's bonus tip: Journaling, or even “talking to AI” about your shame, can be a first step if human connection feels inaccessible.

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3. Safety via Intention

[43:43 - 55:13]

• Concept: There are no perfectly “safe spaces,” only safer spaces, and safety always involves risk (such as vulnerability and change).
• Key Practice:
  • Before any intimate or emotional interaction, slow down and ASK YOURSELF:
    “What do I want from this right now?”
  • Express this out loud to those involved when possible.
• Amy's example:

  "I was just helping a couple with aftercare after sex. The only tool you need is: What do I need right now?" (51:09)

• Impact: This self-inquiry and communication increases internal safety and clarity, making boundary-setting and open sexual exploration more accessible and less anxiety-provoking.

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4. Communication—Rupture & Repair

[56:17 - 61:03]

• Concept: All relationships experience misattunement ("ruptures"). The magic is in “repair”—the deliberate work of returning to understanding and connection.
• Practice:
  • First, notice when there’s a rupture.
  • Pause, and move intentionally into a repair process.
  • Resources: Ian's “How to Hug a Porcupine” worksheet (see [58:18]).
• Ian's wisdom:

  "If you don’t repair with people, you will always feel less safe with those people over time... You have to understand how to repair." (60:05)

• Impact: Successfully repairing ruptures (instead of sweeping them under the rug) leads to deeper trust, resilience and long-term intimacy.

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5. Pleasure Literacy & Embodied Self-Pleasure

[61:03 - 70:11]

• Concept: True pleasure emerges from presence and loving attention to the small sensations, not just goal-oriented sex or orgasms.
• Key Practice: Establish a self-pleasure practice focused on curiosity and mindfulness (not just release).
  • Expand this to petits moments—e.g., slow down to savor an orange, notice the sensation of breath, etc.
• Ian on expanding pleasure:

  "Addiction is a narrowing of things that bring you pleasure. Enlightenment is a steady broadening. Find how much pleasure you can receive in any given moment—the more you can expand that, the deeper you’ll go when you’re with a partner." (67:04)

• Tactic: For many, starting with everyday pleasures (food, breath, music) is less confronting, and builds the foundation for greater erotic capacity.

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6. Integration: Habit, Repetition, and Everyday Change

[70:11 - 75:25]

• Concept: A transformative insight or experience only changes your life if you integrate—meaning, you bring it into daily life until it becomes second nature.
• Key Practice: Build tiny, frictionless “atomic habits” for each skill learned (e.g., put on gym shoes, text your partner one appreciation, journal 3 words about shame).
• Amy:

  "The more you do it, the more it becomes integrated... now it’s just second nature and you don’t have to think about it anymore." (74:02)

• Ian:

  "Each of these [modules] had an atomic habit; that’s what integration is—find the smallest thing you can do and repeat it, daily." (73:49)

• Impact: Regular, doable micro-practices (not dramatic overhaul) drive lasting relational growth.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On defensiveness and self-inquiry:
  Ian: "You can actually talk to these patterns inside yourself almost as though they're sub-personalities... Why are you being defensive? How are you trying to help?" (28:12)
• On pleasure:
  Amy: "There's nothing wrong with just needing a quick wink and, you know, a release, but that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about really taking the time to be with yourself and feel every little sensation..." (65:14)
• On shame:
  Amy: "When I feel shame, I disassociate a little bit...I could be in the middle of a grocery store and I have a thought about something I have shame about; all of a sudden, I'm humming to myself." (36:35)
• On integration:
  Ian: "Their habit was to put on their gym shoes. And then everything else rolls forward from there." (73:49)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |---------------|----------------------------------------------------| | 13:58 | Ian Stratton Intro & Course Context | | 22:22 - 33:34 | Parts Work / IFS—Atomic Habits for Emotional Regulation | | 33:35 - 43:42 | Shame—Expressing, Sharing, and Dissolving | | 43:43 - 55:13 | Creating Safety via Intention & Boundaries | | 56:17 - 61:03 | Communication – Rupture and Repair | | 61:03 - 70:11 | Pleasure – Self-Pleasure & Broadening Embodied Experience | | 70:11 - 75:25 | Integration—Making Change Stick with Micro-Habits | | 75:25 - End | Course Pitch & Wrap-up |

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Episode Tone & Style

Warm, inviting, humorous, and refreshingly candid. Amy and Ian take potentially heavy concepts and make them “approachable, gentle, and fun,” focusing on actionable steps and “making the gold free.”

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Final Takeaways

• Growth is accessible: Massive relationships change is in the smallest repeated habits.
• Your inner world shapes your outer intimacy—cultivating self-awareness, sharing your struggles, and practicing intentionality makes authentic connection and sexual pleasure not just possible, but likely.
• You probably won't do it all alone—community and accountability matter.
• “The gold is free”—everything you need is in these atomic habits, which can transform your relationship starting now.

For more, access Ian’s “How to Hug a Porcupine” worksheet and information about the Intimacy Rewired course at intimacyrewired.com.

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Quotable Close:
Ian:

"If you do the practices, do them, please ping us. Tell us how you felt about it." (81:00)

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(Ads, intros, and outros omitted. For further resources and discount codes, see show notes.)

Transcript

[Amy]

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[April]

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[Amy]

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[April]

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[Amy]

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[April]

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[Amy]

It's made my summer wardrobe so much easier. And you also deserve some quints in your life too.

[April]

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[Ian Stratton]

do this over and over again is the big zero to one shift from being dysregulated often to being much more regulated in each moment. Because it's every time you do it. It's like going to the gym for your psycho emotional regulation.

[Amy]

I'm Amy.

[April]

I'm April.

[Amy]

Certified sex educators, sexperts of the year and bestselling authors.

[April]

And we're on a mission to help have more spicy, connected and amazing shameless sex.

[Amy]

Welcome to the Shameless sex revolution. We're so close.

[Ian Stratton]

It's like we have our own language. We're making sex and relationships shameless.

[Amy]

To learn more, go to shamelesssex.com and

[April]

for 15% off, some of our favorite sex toys, use code shameless sex. @PurePleasureshop.com you are listening to a pleasure podcast.

[Amy]

For more from our sex podcast collective,

[Ian Stratton]

visit pleasurepodcasts.com well, hello everyone.

[April]

Hey everybody.

[Amy]

Welcome back to the Shama sex podcast and Happy July. I know 2026 is April's birthday month.

[April]

Oh, is it a whole month?

[Amy]

She's turning 29 again.

[April]

Oh yeah.

[Amy]

She's so excited. Can you hear it? I'll be fody fault 44. Oh, that's actually. You're lucky, right?

[April]

I think so.

[Amy]

I think the hippies would say So

[April]

I feel like I will go with.

[Amy]

It's lucky I know the hippies know what's up, I guess. All right, well, happy almost birthday to Chip. If you want to send her gifts, actually, you can really go to look, look in the show notes. There's a l an Amazon cart there if you want to give her the gift of whatever is in the cart. I don't even know.

[April]

I love gifting.

[Amy]

She does. It's one of her love languages.

[April]

Oh, yeah.

[Amy]

Hey, that reminds me, I need to get you a gift. She also likes cards. It's true.

[April]

I just love love.

[Amy]

Thought felt cards or thought felt Heartfelt.

[April]

Heartfelt Thought felt.

[Amy]

What's a thought felt?

[April]

I don't know.

[Amy]

I don't know.

[April]

It's making a comeback.

[Amy]

Yeah, it's making a comeback. This episode is with repeat guest Ian Stratton. And April was not on this episode. It was actually me and Ian, myself and Ian talking about relationships and how to transform relationship in just 42 days. But also with one episode. So Ian and I have an online. Well, we'll call it a course. Yeah, it's a course. It's a six week course all about transforming your relationships. And most people want to do that, especially if you're in long term relationships and you hit some form of stuckness or looping or disconnection and you want to bring that spark back or just have some peace and ease in your relationship. And what we do is we take all the nuggets from six weeks and put it into this one episode. So if you don't do the course, that's cool. Just do everything we say in this episode. But most of you won't do that because you know, you're humans. But yeah, so stay tuned because you will learn a lot and there are tools that you can apply here now to your relationship or future relationships. Um, also, I don't think we state this when Ian and I are interviewing each other. I was interviewing him, but he was kind of interviewing me. Actually, this course is just. Is just for couples and I don't think we stated that in the interview. So I just want to clarify that it is for people in partnerships. Although anyone listening can apply the tools whether you're in a partnership or not. The tools that you're hearing in this episode. Enjoy. The gold is free. Gold.

[April]

No, that's a nice offer. Yes, I love Ian.

[Amy]

Yes, he is a wonderful human and he really does know his stuff. You will learn more about him in a moment. Un momentito. But before that, let's do A sex question.

[April]

I didn't read it.

[Amy]

Man. Can I relate to this question? Okay, here we go. I'm a 40 year old woman and I've always had a high sex drive until last year. It's not because of my relationship issues, because I'm in a new relationship and everything is great and I'm so attracted to my boyfriend, but my desire to have sex is still low. I talked to my doctor about it and she said this is normal for my age, but I really don't want to accept that. Is there anything I can do to get my libido back? Or is this just what happens with age?

[April]

You don't have to accept that.

[Amy]

Don't accept it. I had the same thing happen when I was 38. I saw a doctor. It was not a woman, it was a man. And actually this person saying, she said that, and I actually was like, oh, this is what happens when you work with male doctors. Although I know a lot of male doctors who are wonderful when it comes to sexual wellness, actually listen to you and help you. Um, and I was told at 38, oh, yeah, you're in perimenopause, so it's natural for your libido to just be low. This is just what's going to happen. I had requested to do a panel to test my hormones. They said that's not necessary. Oh, actually, I think I finally did. And it showed that my, my testosterone was like, was a smidge low. But my doctor had said that I can't do any. I won't put you on testosterone or do anything about it because there's no medical reason. And so I fired their doctor.

[April]

Yeah.

[Amy]

And I went and found someone else. And that is Swan Medical, which is based here in California in Los Gatos. And to the. They are wonderful. They're specialists. And there's a reason why we have specialists, everyone. Doctors generally specialize in, you know, their thing, whatever their field is, if it's general, their general practitioner, it's generalized medicine. So they're not spending a ton of time being educated in sexual health and wellness. That is a specialty. Unless they're awesome doctors who do take that time to do that.

[April]

But most doctors don't know everything. They don't actually all of them.

[Amy]

So you go and find a specialist. Even the specialist won't specialize in certain things in the medical world. Right. So we have specialists such as Dr. Castillo at Swan Medical who really will listen to you and help you with things like this. So for this person, no, don't accept this. You don't have to. This is 2026. We have so many options. So we have access to modern day medical technology, including hormone replacement therapy, all kinds of stuff that can get you your libido back at basically any age. You don't have to accept this. So what can you do with this? Okay, well, first of all, before we go into talking more about the doctors that we recommend, I did have a question for this person because they didn't. And it sounds like your relationship's great. Your libido changed this last year. So one of my questions is, did anything happen this last year? Like, did you have any sort of trauma, even if it's not related to sexuality? Trauma where maybe your sex life wasn't being activated or exercised regularly because your energy was going towards whatever else is going on in your life. Because when you take a. There's a gap in being sexual. Like you take a little hiatus or a long hiatus from exercising your libido, your sexualness, sometimes that fire can go down. So, like think of the energy you put in to your libido, like by doing sexual things daily or weekly, and say if you're not. So think of that as like the fuel to your sexual fire. And if you're not doing those things, you're not being sexually active either with yourself or with other people, that fire can naturally go down. And so sometimes it just takes time to rebuild it by being sexual and having really wonderful sexual experiences. But it sounds like you are having those sexual experiences with this partner. You just don't have the drive. So that's when you go and talk to a specialist such as Dr. Castillo. He's amazing.

[April]

Jacked up on some hormones, perhaps.

[Amy]

Jacked up, maybe.

[April]

Well, it could. It's totally helped both of our lives.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[April]

Meaning not getting jacked up on hormones, but finding the right hormone treatments for you. And that age is around when 40

[Amy]

or, you know, I mean, this person's perimenopause.

[April]

Yeah. It's time to go take a look. And you can trust your GPS on most things. But for hormones specifically, don't just like put a patch on it and think that it might get better. You have to go get the blood work, you have to go invest in the time and the energy into seeing the specialist.

[Amy]

And a lot of right now the movement is not even to focus on blood work. It's to focus on symptoms. So if you're going to your doctor and you're saying my libido is low, and then maybe you have other things like perimenopause can be more of a roller coaster where, like, one day you feel stable and the next day you feel cuckoo bananas. And all of a sudden you're tired. Now you have a lot of energy, and then your libido's here, and then your libido's not. Right. It's a little mysterious and can last for like, up to 10 years, I believe. And so doctors are. These days are going more towards listening to your symptoms. And yes, blood work is great, but then, you know, they should say, oh, here's your symptoms. That sounds like perimenopause. And then they can give you hormones, but it sounds like your doctor doesn't give a about that.

[April]

Sometimes your hormones can look completely normal.

[Amy]

Totally.

[April]

And it's not what you want. You. You're not getting what you want of your sex life or your libido or your brain. Your. The cognition that you used to have the brain fog comes in with perimenopause. One of the symptoms where you're a little bit slower than you'd like, you

[Amy]

just blank out all of a sudden.

[April]

Yeah.

[Amy]

And. And one thing with your hormones. So say you get your hormones tested. Especially as a woman, your hormones are constantly fluctuating throughout the month. So you get your hormones tested one day. That is not going to show what your hormones are next week. Right. It could be completely different. So it really isn't necessarily the best way to do that. We're not doctors here. We work with a lot of doctors. I guess in our show, we learn from them. And so enter in Dr. Castillo at Swan Medical. Swan Medical. We started going there. Is that like three years ago or four years ago?

[April]

I feel like it might be closer to four years ago.

[Amy]

Yeah. So they listened to us. Dr. Casillo and Remy, nurse practitioner, listened to us, to our symptoms. We got the blood panels, and they work directly with us, not just in that moment to figure out what works for our bodies in terms of the hormones that, that we currently are taking. But when we see them again and again, we're. We're constantly like, okay, where are we at now? Where are we at now? Because they understand that our bodies are constantly changing and they have the ability to offer all kinds of different ways. Like it really can be tailored to you whether it's taking hormones. And then if you're taking hormones, there's different ways you take the hormones. Like, I've been doing testosterone pellets. I might try testosterone injections. You just switched to injections. There's creams, there's all kinds of Stuff. They also have other procedures like the O shot, something where they put. Is it plate rich? Am I saying that right?

[April]

Platelet rich. Plasma.

[Amy]

Yes.

[April]

Right.

[Amy]

And inject it into your clitoris, which activates your clitoris and makes it more of a powerhouse for pleasure. They also do the Diva laser, which can help to rejuvenate the vaginal canal, bring more blood flow and sensation. So it really just depends on, like, where. Where you're at and what your issues are. But yes, these things do change with age, but we don't have to settle for it at all. So go check them out. And I believe if you work with Swan Medical, you get a special discount and they can do consultations online. So go to swanmd.com@the very least, just go and check out their site because they have a lot of really amazing info on there and you can learn more and set up a consultation with them and they will help you to figure out, like, you know, what will get your libido back. I have zero doubt that they will be able to do that.

[April]

Put that fire back into your.

[Amy]

Put that in your step. And then one. One last thing I'll say too, is having like, more intensive, not. Well, yeah, intensive, like longer experiences of spending time getting back into your libido. It can be really helpful. Like go and planning like a, you know, a long weekend or a vacation where sex is a big part of that with your. With your partner, like me or making it more of the focus. Can get your body back in the practice, if that's the issue. But it doesn't sound like that's the issue for you. But I'm just going to say that any. And our retreats. We have retreats coming up in October. One of them is sold out. One of them is almost sold out. Is for couples. So you could come with your partner. And we have tons of classes, workshops on turbocharging your sex life and libido. Um, we've had people come to those retreats feeling like their libido was off and then left there with a libido on. And yeah, it's. It really can. Can change your life and your relationship. So go check that out. Sunshameless sex. Com and for Swan Medical, Swan MD Com. Dr. Castillo. He's the best.

[April]

Yes, that was. That was a good question.

[Amy]

Yeah. And very common. You are not alone and do not accept the this is just normal and how it will be forever thing. That is bullshit.

[April]

Okay. Are you ready for Ian's bio, Amy?

[Amy]

Yes, ma'.

[April]

Am. Although, you know, all about him. But it's time for everybody else to learn about Ian Stratton. He's a lifelong healing nerd devoted to turning the wild world of personal growth into something real, practical and accessible. He's led thousands of hours of deep work with individuals and groups, blending internal family systems, somatic psychotherapy, breathwork, and ethical psychedelic practice into one simple aim. True transformation. To learn more, listen to this episode and go to intimacyrewired.com.

[Amy]

All right, everyone, it is interview time. And if you are not following us, is it following, subscribing, watching on the social medias like Instagram or.

[Ian Stratton]

Don't pray to the temple of Shameless Sex every week? What are you doing with your life?

[Amy]

Especially in the video world, like YouTube. We are filming this so you can go and watch. Yes, go. Follow. Like, don't just listen to us. Or maybe that's where you are. Maybe you're not even listening, like on an audio app. But this episode, we have repeat guests. And we, meaning it's just me. No, April, Today, we, as in Shameless sucks as a whole, have repeat guests. Ian Stratton, this your third time on the show?

[Ian Stratton]

This is my third time. Hello, everybody.

[Amy]

Yes.

[Ian Stratton]

So good to see you again.

[Amy]

So good to see you. Amy, that is. I miss Amy. So we did an episode about Intimacy rewired. This is a while ago, a year ago maybe. No less than a year ago. So we launched the first round in January.

[Ian Stratton]

Last fall, maybe.

[Amy]

Okay, yeah, last fall. And so that was before Intimacy rewired was launched. We. It was a. It was a thought, it was an idea. It was a creative project that we put into fruition. Did I say that correctly? Put into fruition. It happened.

[Ian Stratton]

We fruited it.

[Amy]

We fruited it. It got fruity. It went down in January of 2026 for six weeks, and now the fruit carries forward to fall. 2026.

[Ian Stratton]

That's right. We are doing it again, continuing with the fruit. I would say we absolutely crushed it.

[Amy]

Okay, everyone, so if you don't know Ian Stratton, he's really good at. He's very entertaining, he's very wise, he knows his stuff. And just for listeners who have never met an Ian Stratton before, can you tell them who Ian Stratton is?

[Ian Stratton]

Wow. Yeah. That's a big question. In a nutshell, Ian Stratton is a human.

[Amy]

Oh, yes, I think so. Oh, I just poked him. Oh, he has muscles, too.

[Ian Stratton]

He's not AI.

[Amy]

He's not AI.

[Ian Stratton]

He'S real muscly human. And let's see. Gosh I would say in this context, I'm a total nerd.

[Amy]

You're a nerd.

[Ian Stratton]

I'm a nerd about everything that has to do with consciousness and healing and fixing microphones.

[Amy]

I'm touching his chest right now.

[Ian Stratton]

This isn't her excuse. She's like, oh, I'm sorry. Massaging your microphones.

[Amy]

I didn't want to make the weird sounds and stuff.

[Ian Stratton]

I hope it's okay to fondle you on you.

[Amy]

You did. Yeah. I just fondled you without permission. And actually we'll get to that part here. Everyone's safety is important. That includes consent and boundaries.

[Ian Stratton]

Yes. And. But everybody should know that I am fondle you.

[Amy]

Yes.

[Ian Stratton]

Keeps going. Okay, so. So I'm a human. I love healing. I love everything to do with. With self development, consciousness. And I've been homies with. With you for quite a while now. Yeah, I'm like 15 years.

[Amy]

Yeah, I think 15 years now. Yeah. And we've done some of the same trainings. We were in the Hakomi training together. You. So you work directly with people. You do one on ones. You do group work with people you're trained in, which is. We're actually going to talk about that in a second. But if you could, I guess if you could put like a title or like a one sentence label to the work that you do. What is it?

[Ian Stratton]

You know? Yeah, a title is funny. And I've gone through a bunch right now. I call myself a somatic coach.

[Amy]

Okay. I like that.

[Ian Stratton]

And I've realized that there's not a great term for it. It sounds very holier than thou. But I. Yeah. Or even like the term healer.

[Amy]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Let me get the gong out.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah. You know, I would say what I really love about the work that I do is it's very oriented around creating a space that's like a journey for people. And this spreads out into the group work that I do with folks. And even when I do my regular sessions that don't have to do with psychedelics, which those are obviously journeys and they take a whole day. I like to do these two hour sessions. So they're kind of long for like a regular therapeutic session. But people are lying down. I got music. There's like breath work, body work. And then all of that goes into this framework of parts in ifs which I. Which I love. And it's very unique to me and my mosaic of modalities that I use.

[Amy]

Yeah. And so in. And I guess from the outside looking in and this will relate to intimacy. Rewired is helping people to, well, rewire themselves.

[April]

Right.

[Amy]

Like it's repair or undo some of the programming or trauma that has happened in the past or that is currently still going on the pattern. So undoing, relearning, reprogramming. And you're doing that in many different ways with people.

[Ian Stratton]

Yes, yes, that's right. And then I feel like something that's cool about this and what we're doing. And the reason I pinged Amy for this is because most of the work I do with people is one on one. Although I do sometimes work with couples. But I've always been so fascinated by relationships and how healing moves into that space. And so when I first brought this up to Amy, I was like, we should call it sexual healing. I'll do the healing, you do the sex. But she was like, no, we're not gonna Marvin Gay this.

[Amy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ian Stratton]

And intimacy Rewired makes more sense because it is a reprogramming of all of these latent things that we're born with and we come out of childhood with from all of the programming. And we're never really educated on how to do it right. And so we've been taking our time figuring out, okay, what are the most basic skills that we can really instill in people to dramatically change the way that they approach their relationships.

[Amy]

Yeah. In ways that are easy and approachable. And we were talking about this before this recording, before we started the recording that if you listen. So we're going to give you a lot of nuggets in this episode. We're essentially giving you the whole course.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah. We're giving you like the whole gold mine.

[Amy]

Yeah, you're getting the whole gold mine. So stay tuned because this is from a six week course. But we're. It's like the. Is it Cliff Notes or Cliff's Notes?

[Ian Stratton]

Cliff Notes.

[Amy]

Cliff Notes. I always get confused. Tomato, tomato.

[Ian Stratton]

Don't give all the credit to Cliff.

[Amy]

Yeah, sorry, Cliff. Or now my brains are like, I don't remember. Is it Cliff or cliffs? And one thing we were talking about was that if you listener actually did apply everything we're talking about right now, and you actually applied and practiced it, it would completely dramatically change your life. You're just likely not going to do that because why? You're human.

[Ian Stratton]

That's right.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah. But it is all going to be in here. And I mean, obviously we can't put six week into 45 minutes.

[Amy]

I don't think it works that way.

[Ian Stratton]

But the thing is, each week does come down to this basic skill or you know, shout out to James, clear an atomic habit, that, that when repeated over and over again, it will, it will change things in a miraculous way.

[April]

Yeah.

[Amy]

And the one thing I, I love about when I go to, when I personally go for myself to retreats or, or actual like, you know, day long workshops or whatever it is, or I take courses like this. I get. Because we, you know, we really learn from experience. We can listen to all the things. And so that's why we're saying if you actually applied and practiced the things, your life would change. A lot of people just listen, oh, maybe I'll try this thing. And then maybe you bet you do. And that's all. You just do that once sense or you don't. It's just an idea floating around. So I really just hope that you take some gold here and practice it. And you know, if you want more, we'll give you some information at the end on how to get more of Amy and Ian.

[Ian Stratton]

That's right. Let's do it.

[Amy]

All right. So Intimacy rewired. I think we've already kind of defined it a, A smidge. I like how. So we had this last time. We had a lot of couples there in Intimacy rewired. And a lot of them. I think one of the main themes that we saw there was it's being stuck in patterns. Like roller coasters looping. How why are we constantly stuck? Or why are we here Again, how you know? Or why are we so disconnected? And then, you know, this is shameless sex. People are probably like, how does this link to sex? I'll say your relationship, even if it's not related. Related to sex. In that moment, your connection to your partner, what's happening or not happening carries over into the bedroom. There's just no way around it.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah.

[Amy]

So it's like everything is all connected. So with that we have six modules in Intimacy Rewired.

[Ian Stratton]

They're layered.

[Amy]

They're layered. We like layering things.

[Ian Stratton]

Yep. Like a, like a, like an open faced sandwich.

[Amy]

Ah, yeah, I like that. I was thinking an onion, but I like this one because it's less like stinky.

[Ian Stratton]

That's true. I wouldn't want to bite into an onion all on its own.

[Amy]

Oh no.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah.

[Amy]

Anyways, back to sandwiches. Back to sandwiches.

[Ian Stratton]

So. And yeah, and they're layered for a purple. And we're going to give them to you in that order. And we start with parts which I'm highly biased towards. And after doing, studying a lot of different modalities and going to A million workshops and trainings. I do feel like parts work as a general map, which Internal Family Systems has given us the best version of it so far, although there's lots of room for improvement. And we're going to use that framework today because when we understand the basics of parts work, everything gets so much easier. And the basics of it is so, you know, when we say parts, it's basically anything that you do or that you feel in a consistent pattern is going to be a part of yourself. And the most important thing to understand is that as we go through our day to day, we'll give a few examples. So I have a part of myself right now that's kind of like a bit of like a teacher part. And it gets into that mode. I have parts that help me stay organized. I have parts that make me feel anxious. I have parts that sometimes make me pull away or be avoidant in partnership. You know, I mean, there's really, you know, you could name a million. Basically anything that you do that is a pattern that happens over and over again is going to be a part of yourself. And the most important takeaway of this is that all these patterns exist for a reason. And sometimes it's easy for us to kind of feel like, well, some of our parts are good. Like I mentioned, the ones that help me teach and the ones that help me be on time and the ones that help me be a good lover or partner. And then there's gonna be other parts that we generally feel are bad. You know, these are parts that maybe make us feel shameful or are self critical or parts that hurt others. And the biggest zero to one shift in this paradigm, and potentially the hardest thing to shift in our mindset about this is to realize that all of these parts have good intentions and oftentimes do actually help us in many ways,

[Amy]

even if they don't feel good at that time. Because I think a lot of people, including myself, try to avoid anything that feels not good. Right. But instead it's like, wait, there's an opportunity here. There's something that is, it's there for a reason. It is trying to teach you or support you in some way.

[Ian Stratton]

That's right. And I like to think of it oftentimes as is it adaptive or maladaptive in the moment? Is it an appropriate response to the stimulus which is what we're really going for? And so sometimes they are maladaptive or they're not an appropriate response to the stimulus. And there are ways to tool with that. And we'll get into that in a lot more detail. But today I want to. To give just the simplest nugget.

[Amy]

We love simple and nuggets.

[Ian Stratton]

To be able to do this. And the first part is just a mindset shift to really feel into understanding that everything that shows up that is a part or one of these patterns, it's trying to help you meet a need so you have some sort of need. It's not feeling met. And so a part comes in as a natural pattern or consistent response to be able to help you get that, that need met.

[Amy]

Can we just do, like, basic example? I need more sex.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah, exactly. And so some parts might come out around that, like, maybe I have, you know, say I'm out at an event or something, and I'm feeling like, oh, I'm really turned on right now. Like, I'd love to, like, go home with someone tonight. I'll probably start getting very flirtatious. You know, that might be a part of mine that's, like, gregarious and more exciting. And all of a sudden, I would be talking to a cute girl, and I'm like, a little more like, oh, that's, you know, like, coming forward in different ways or putting myself out there. That could be a really positive version of that. I can think of another part of myself that can kind of be like a hunter in those moments. Like, I'm like, like ignoring everyone at the party except, like, the hot person I'm interested in.

[Amy]

Or let's think of also couples who do are in a partnership. And you need more. You feel I need more sex because I'm not feeling like I'm getting enough.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah, exactly. And so who's that part? Right. What's something of yours, like, that you notice either in yourself or partners, when

[Amy]

they shows up with. I need more sex.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah.

[Amy]

In particular. So if I had a partner say, I need more sex, then a part of me, I would have like a, like a defensive, like, I'm not good enough part. I'm not doing it right. Is that. I don't know if that's a part.

[Ian Stratton]

Yep.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Ian Stratton]

Okay.

[Amy]

Yeah, that's a common one. Like, oh, if someone has needs for more of something or something, especially with sex to be altered, I must be broken or something wrong with me.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah. So let's break down a couple of these to give a good sense of this. Because the takeaway that we're going to offer today that's really helpful is just to be able to understand the positive intention of each of these patterns. So if we break down that one so your partner comes to you and says, I'm just really feeling like we're not having enough sex. Then you have a part that comes in and says I'm not enough or I'm bad and gets defensive. Which is actually a layer of a few parts that all make sense. But you start with. Usually the one you're going to notice is the defensiveness. Right, right. And so you could walk away from that and be like, oh, I'm so bummed that I was defensive and this is bad. You know, essentially I need to not be defensive. Could be the response to that. But the trick for this would be able to feel into that defensiveness and try to understand what is positive.

[Amy]

Intent is so, so like looking so, so I, I feel into like, oh, this is defensive. Like I'm recognizing, like, oh, this is a part of me. This is, this part is defensiveness. I'm like labeling it and then getting curious about that. Like what is this part asking for or needing or, or what is it doing for me?

[Ian Stratton]

That's right. And there's a. You know, this is where it gets a little bit odd for some people, but it's incredibly effective is you can actually talk to these patterns inside yourself almost as though they're sub personalities. And so you could right now maybe you can demo for us if you take a moment and really feel that sense of defensiveness. If you were to spur it up in yourself right now from a time where you can remember it. And then when you cue into it, really ask it, like, hey, you know, why are you being defensive right now? And see if you get a response.

[Amy]

Let's see. I'm trying to think of it. I haven't really received that I need more sex, but I have definitely been in relationships where there wasn't a lot of sex happening. And I think it just wasn't spoken to but about. And so anyways, but let me feel it. Okay, let me see this.

[Ian Stratton]

Just think of a time, the most recent time where you can remember being defensive.

[Amy]

Oh God, yeah. There's so protectiveness comes up. Like wanting to. Yeah, to like protect my heart, be loved. Like I want, like wanting everyone to love me. It's like very people pleasing thing. Like it feels very little, very small.

[Ian Stratton]

Right.

[Amy]

Very. Like mom or dad's mad at me and I don't, they don't love me anymore. Cause I'm doing it wrong. Even though we're talking about sex.

[Ian Stratton]

And so if I were to slow that down a little bit, essentially you by asking that part, you know, like hey, why are you defensive? That part's essentially saying, hey, I'm trying to help you protect your heart.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Ian Stratton]

And, you know, there, there are some times where it felt really painful when we got certain input from mom or dad or other people, and I want to make sure that doesn't happen again. That's a really positive intent.

[Amy]

So instead, in that I could be like, oh, defensiveness, kind of like you right now, because you're just trying to help me. I mean, I don't want to hang out with you or in you or become you forever, but, like, you're okay. Yeah, you're trying to help me out.

[Ian Stratton]

Right.

[April]

For years, I thought conflict in relationships meant something was broken. Like if you were fighting, you were failing. So I just avoided it, which, spoiler alert, made everything worse. So here's what actually changed things for me. I learned that conflict done right isn't the enemy of connection. It literally builds it. That reframe came from the conflict playbook on Masterclass, and I genuinely think every couple needs it.

[Amy]

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[April]

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[Amy]

And right now, as a listener of this show, you get at least 15 off any annual [e-mail] shameless that's 15% [e-mail] shameless. Head to masterclass.com shameless to see the latest offer.

[Ian Stratton]

And so you can take this to a deeper extent and however you want. But that's the starting point, is being able to notice when there's a reaction that feels usually maladaptive in some way, and then get into that communication with it, like, hey, why are you doing that reaction? What's important about that? Or the good question is, how are you trying to help?

[Amy]

I like that.

[Ian Stratton]

And then when you listen to that response, you can take that down as far as you want. You could take that into journaling or more inquiry. And the deeper you go into it and the more understanding you have, the more settled you're going to feel with that part. And then when it comes up again, you're going to not just feel like I'm being defensive again, damn it, you're going to be like, oh, I understand why that defensiveness came up. And when you do that from a place of understanding, there's oftentimes more harmony in the system and oftentimes you'll end up being less defensive the next time because you understand it better.

[Amy]

Better. So it's like overall it's creating more gentleness in a sense of ease, awareness, etc within your, your internal system, which in turn translates to everything around you, including partnership.

[Ian Stratton]

Yes.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Ian Stratton]

So that's the atomic habit that you can spam a million times. I oftentimes tell clients I find this with myself and everybody I know that being able to do this over and over again is the big zero to one shift from being dysregulated often to being much more regulated in each moment. Because every time you do it it's like going to the gym for your psycho emotional regulation, for your nervous system regulation. And so you just get better at it, you get stronger, it gets easier, it starts to become automatic and then your whole life can change. And that's how I'll keep mentioning atomic habits. I love James Clear and that whole book. And that's really what we're giving away at each one of these themes or modules is this little thing that when repeated over time creates the big thing. That's the big one for parts.

[April]

Yeah.

[Amy]

Awesome. So that's week one or module one. But it applies to everything. It's carried through the layers of the onion. Right. Or we're not doing onion sandwich. Open faced sandwich. Now I'm hungry. But ifs internal family systems parts work will apply to all the other modules as well. It's kind of, of hanging out, not above, but it's a little more. It's, it's the foundation. The foundation I was going above, now I'm going below. It's the foundation and is, is fueling and feeding into all these other, other pieces.

[Ian Stratton]

Yes. And, and that's a really good segue into the next section which is shame. Obviously it's the same. And so the segue for that is that shame is a part. And it's often one. It's the one that we most often say this is bad. Right. Like shame is, is bad. And we try and figure out how not to have shame because shame is, is bad.

[Amy]

How can I never feel this way?

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah, exactly. And it's, you know, you can approach shame in the same way as you approach all your other parts. But Amy will obviously give us a lot more data.

[Amy]

Well, I just recently had an experience with my own shame and that will translate into like, I'll move it towards like the tool here. And what will really help you with shame? Because when I feel shame, it feels like like major armor all over my body. And sometimes shame to me feels really thick, like I'm covered in stainless steel. And then it's a little lighter, like maybe it's like a thin, I don't know, like plexiglass or glass. And then when I don't feel, when I'm not feeling my shame, maybe I, I feel more free and alive, like I'm not trapped. But when I feel shame, I want to get rid of it. I don't like this feeling. And what I do when I feel shame is I disassociate a little bit. I can tell I'm feeling shame because I start humming to myself. I could be in the middle of a grocery store and I have a thought about something that I have shame about. For me, I have plenty of shame. Not usually related to sex. A lot of people have shame related sex as opposed to other things in life. But I'll think about the thing and then all of a sudden I'm like floating above myself going la la la. Anyways, what I, when I feel that way, it feels terrible because I'm feeling wrong or bad. More so like I'm bad, not like. And that's with shame, right? Shame isn't. Shame and guilt are different. Guilt is like that thing I did is wrong or bad. But shame is like there's something wrong with me which is a harder feeling to deal with and can be deeply buried in you for a long time. Anyways, I, what I've started to look at with shame is more like this too shall pass. And didn't really know that I was already doing some parts work. You know why I know? Because I learned from this guy over here. That's why I know. Because you, you have worked with me, you've taught me some IFS skills. And so when I felt shame, I've been able to look at it without even, even knowing I was ifsing myself as this part and being curious about and also telling myself like reminding myself that this isn't me, this is right now. And you know this is going to, to move. And so the key tools for moving shame isn't to just hang out with it isn't to bottle it up. That's actually the kind of some of the worst things that you can do with shame because as Brene Brown says, shame is, thrives, it grows in silence and secrecy and it dies or diminishes lessons in empathy, meaning in connection and being witnessed and being shared. So don't. You don't run around to the world and be like, here's my shame. Here's some terrible that I did to like every stranger because you know the response you get from someone matters. You could get more shame or feel more shame based on someone's response. So you want to be careful about this. But the main tool here, if you feel, if you have some shame, and I believe each and every one of you probably does, even if you don't think you do, you might notice later, you might get it some shame later. Because life happens, it's universal. It's universal is to find safe people or a safe person. Maybe it's a friend, maybe it's a family member, maybe it's someone you pay like a coach like Ian, where you can talk about this thing and the way you'll know it's shame is you don't want to talk about it. You don't want anyone to know about this. You don't, you barely want to think about it because it, it hurts so much. But the tool here is to actually start to express it. Share the story of, of your shame. But with a safe person or people who will just meet you with love and you, you will find that a lot of people are, are that way. They're not going to be like, oh wait, I'm not friends with you anymore because you did that once upon a time. So if you don't have those people in your life again, oops, you can, you can hire them, you can, you can pay them to be that person and it will drastically change your life. Life on the other side of that, you feel like a big weight has been lifted off your shoulders. You feel more open. You feel like you have the ability to communicate better, your body relaxes. I mean for sex, that is gold. My requires this for me to have great sex. If I'm carrying a bunch of armor, that doesn't happen. So yeah. So the tool for shame. Find a safe shame ally or space or person so that it's not just you holding it and, and also just another nugget for you. If you're sharing your shame with someone, you can let them know what you want to receive back. I'd like feedback or I just like to be heard can be really helpful because a lot of people don't really know exactly how to respond, and they want to try to fix you. And that can feel worse. Or maybe you want fixing, but be clear with them. And most people are really open to getting that feedback.

[Ian Stratton]

Yep. Yeah, that's just right. And. And when you. When you bring it out into the. Into the light like that, it tends to dissolve. And, you know, even a lower bar, it's great to find another person that's 100% what you want to do. Even a lower bar than that is just to start talking to yourself about it. So journaling with it. Some people will hate this, some will understand. But even talking to AI, like, just start just putting it out anywhere and starting to get feedback. Of course, having a live, you know, hopefully loving human on the other end of it is going to be the most helpful thing. And it's important to also recognize that shame is oftentimes gonna be hidden almost always at first underneath other actions. So likely Amy's defensiveness from earlier, underneath, that's probably gonna be a sense of shame.

[Amy]

Oh, yeah, totally. Yeah. Yeah, that. Yeah. Now with the 100%. Yeah, shame.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah, almost across the board, defensiveness is gonna have shame underneath it. And then sometimes it can be other things. So, like you mentioned, and that when you notice it in yourself, it's immediately followed by la, la, la distraction or checking out. And that way, I have a funny one that's this. Like, took me a while to realize this, but internally I have this instant process where as soon as I feel shame, I have this other part that comes in and is like, very like helicopter mother reassuring. And it'll be like, oh, no, that's fine. You didn't.

[Amy]

You're okay.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah, that wasn't so bad. And like, like, whether that's true or not, I noticed that. And as soon as I started noticing that, I found this incredible thing where I could go, wait a second, what was that shame trying to tell me? And I would zoom backwards and I would say, okay, wait, I do a lot of parts. So I would ask the mothering one to see if I could hear the shame, if it was good with that. And then I would hear what that thing is, and it would be like, well, yeah, you were actually pretty rude to that person you really care about. And we don't want to be rude that way. So that's why I'm doing this, you know, making you feel shame right now. And I'll realize, okay. And then I'll actually just feel the shame for a little bit and process it and be with it, and then it Just dissipates.

[Amy]

It just. Yeah. Floats. It floats away. Yeah.

[Ian Stratton]

Because the intention, the positive intention of shame at any point is it's our way to be able to understand how to be with each other in a community. And, and so when it comes up, that's its initial intention of what it's doing. It's one of those things, though, that can just fly off the handle and be a hundred times stronger than it needs to be and then drives a lot of our other challenging actions.

[Amy]

Yeah. And I think what's one of the nice things about intimacy rewired and other group, you know, programs or workshops or whatever it is, that you realize you're not alone. And that in itself is really helpful, like to be around other people who are and like, you know, either expressing their shame or you can see, you know, we're all on screens. You can tell they're journaling. Like they're. Ha. You don't, you don't even need to hear someone's entire shame story. But just to know and be around other energy of like, oh, you too. Right. Even if it's not the same story in itself can be really freeing because. Because it, because it's such an isolating experience, or so it seems. Right. It's the thing you don't want anyone to know that's a very isolating experience. And we want to be able to belong and connect and, and feel free. So. Yeah. Sometimes the way to do that is to hang out with a whole bunch of other people who are lost and confused and feeling a lot of people pain.

[Ian Stratton]

Yep. Yeah. So the atomic habit, the thing that you can do is just to share it.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Ian Stratton]

Share shame.

[Amy]

Yeah, share shame. And I would say, let's not say with caution, but with intention.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah. And on a meta level, just finding any way to get closer to it from a healthy place. So like I said, I can do that internally. Sometimes it helps journaling it in any way, just interacting with it rather than. Because what we do is we just instantly try and. And shovel it out of sight. Because it hurts so bad.

[Amy]

Yeah. Yep, exactly. And. Yeah. And intimacy rewire. We actually had people go and pair off and I think we'll do this again, right? You go pair off with someone else where it's a safe space for you to share shame. It stays confidential. You're met with love. Like you actually get that real time experience.

[Ian Stratton]

That's right.

[Amy]

And you're like, I'm still accepted and I don't have to carry this all on my own. It's so Freeing.

[Ian Stratton]

It's amazing.

[Amy]

It's incredible.

[Ian Stratton]

Go try it today. Talk to someone about something you've never wanted to talk to anyone about, who, who you feel pretty confident, generally cares and loves for you. And you'll be amazed at not only how you'll feel better, but how you'll end up feeling more connected to that person.

[Amy]

And start small. Don't start with like the big thing, like, you know, the cat I killed last year or something like that. You know, sorry about the cat owners out there. But like, start with something that you're like, if it doesn't go well, I could manage this. So, yeah. Which I think is very much what we're talking about is like slowness, you know, little, small stepping stones to the big things, not just taking the huge leap. They. They really, they really matter. They make a huge difference.

[Ian Stratton]

They do.

[Amy]

And I think this leading into module three. And when I say module also, these are like pillars too. Right. This isn't just for intimacy. Right. This is for your life. This is for everyone's life. For you to be someone who is living in this world relating to people, be it whether it's friends, family members or. Most people listening to this podcast are looking for information about relationships in shame. We're just talking. I was talking about intention. And so now we're moving to non tension safety. But intention is a very big part of safety, at least in my opinion, 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ian Stratton]

One thing I like to say about safety is. Well, first of all, especially when we're in group spaces, we're often trying to figure out how to make a safe space. And one of my favorite teachers often will say, there's no such thing as safe spaces, only safer spaces. And I really like that.

[Amy]

It's like safe sex versus safer sex. There's no like either. It's safe sex. It's like you don't have the sex then.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah, exactly. Which is the other thing I like to talk about with safety is that being safe is actually risky. And this is something we forget about, that there's two sides to this coin. Because everything cool in life requires a risk.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Ian Stratton]

And so there's this balance all the time where we're trying to figure out how can we take the risks necessary to live our greatest aliveness or to enjoy our lives as completely as we can, and how can we do that in a way that is safer than it would be if we're just being reckless?

[Amy]

Yeah. I don't know who created this model, but there's. Imagine a circle and in the middle of that circle is comfort. This is where you feel really safe. You feel like, you know, there's not a lot of newness there, but it's like, you know, you go to your job, you go home, you have your dinner, you get in your cozy bed, maybe you have sex with your partner. I don't know, whatever. But it's like, what? It's like your safety net, your routine. And then think of a circle outside of that circle, in that circle. This is discomfort, Right. This is where you're. But this is, like, edgy. Right. I'm having some new experiences, so maybe, I don't know, instead of going home to my partner, I'm not gonna go cheat. I'm not saying go and cheat on. That's panic. That's a different area. But I'm gonna go to try out this dance class and meet new people, and I'm gonna go by myself. And it's really scary because I've never done this before, so it feels a little edgy. But that's where the growth is. Because if I just hang out in the inner circle, no change happens. And then, you know, most people don't love stagnation, but safety is important for us to connect, to open up, to relax, to. To fuel inner peace. But in terms of sex, you know, if. If you're playing everything super safe, that kills desire. It kills. It kills the excitement that most people crave.

[Ian Stratton]

Yep.

[Amy]

So how do you have safety? Like, I mean, it's what you said, right? It's like, there is no such thing as fully safe, safe.

[Ian Stratton]

That's right. And I, you know, so our atomic habit with this, I think, is a little bit out of the box.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Ian Stratton]

And it's back to what you said around the safety box.

[Amy]

Want to come in my safety box

[Ian Stratton]

is going to be kind of what you said about intentionality and how important that is with safety. And so an atomic habit is anytime you're feeling like, I want to have more safety in any given scenario or space that you're in, find out, like, get clarity, figure out, what do you actually want? What do you want from this? Like, and take a moment and do that. It's amazing how often we don't do

[Amy]

this as people, which requires, like, a slowing down.

[Ian Stratton]

And just ask. You literally ask yourself that, what do I want from this right now? I could literally do it here, talking to Amy, and be like, what do I want from this moment right now as I'm moving into it, and then express that really clearly to whoever is

[Amy]

involved which also creates safety for other people. When, when I know you're taking care of yourself or you're and because you're. You're asking yourself what do I want right now? Or you're telling me what you want right now, I feel safe because I'm like, oh, okay, they've got this, so I don't need to worry about them. It kind of works both ways.

[Ian Stratton]

Yep, 100% foreign

[Amy]

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[Ian Stratton]

All.

[Amy]

And to make things easier, you can find all of these at my mom's. Yes my mom's online sex [e-mail] plus use code shameless sex for 15% off. Again go to PurePleasureshop.com then the category shameless Sex then faves and use code shameless sex for 15% off. Travel, pleasure and so much more. The link is in the show notes.

[April]

News flash everybody. We are picky about our lubes.

[Amy]

Can we say uber picky?

[April]

Yes we can. And let me tell you all why. Uber Lube is our absolute favorite lube ever. Uber Lube is a luxurious silicone lubricant that I want all over my body.

[Amy]

Body.

[April]

Yes. It's designed for sex because it enhances intimacy while allowing you to still feel the skin on skin contact. But it feels so good that I want it everywhere. Uber Lube is long lasting, leaves your skin feeling velvety smooth and it's there when you want it, but then it dissipates when you're done.

[Amy]

Yes, aside from using Uber Lube for all of my sexy sessions and I use it all the time. I also use it for massages, for my hair fizzies, to prevent chafing. And it brings out the color of your beautiful tattoos. Thousands of doctors and therapists in the US alone are recommending Uber Lube to their patients because it's body friendly, less likely to change the pH, and has vitamin E so it feels moisturizing on the skin. Uber Lube has no flavor or scent, which means it's also great for oral sex. And it comes in a beautiful glass bottle with a pump top, which means easy access to pleasure town.

[April]

Want to see why we think Uber Lube is the best lube in the world? Then go to uber lube.com and use discount code shameless to get 10 off and free shipping. Again, that's U B E-R-L-U-B-E.com right now with code shameless for 10 off and free shipping.

[Amy]

Yeah, and I was just helping a couple with this yesterday about. We're talking about aftercare after sex. Like I was like, what's your aftercare routine? And they're like, it could get better. And they were like, well, can you give us like some tools for aftercare? And I was like, here's your tool. You only need one. It's what do I need right now? That's it. You don't need like all these other things. It's just asking yourself, what do I need in this moment?

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah.

[Amy]

And it's different moment to moment.

[Ian Stratton]

Right. You could do this a hundred times a day.

[Amy]

Yeah, you should probably. I don't usually should people, but we could use more of that.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah. If you're going to use the S word, it's a good time for it.

[Amy]

Yeah, totally. And then. And then adding on Yuba. Safety is like, you know, boundaries, consent, huge part of safety. If you listen to Shameless sex. We talk about this regularly so we won't go too deep into that. But the intentionality too when it comes to sex. And we talk about this a lot in Intimacy Rewired. We're not not talking about like creating an intentional container where we're going to eye gaze for 20 minutes and ohm together. I'm not talking about that. When people hear intention, they kind of think of that.

[April]

Yeah.

[Amy]

Ian will do the oming for you. Not to be confused with the sex cult oming anyways, but intention like, like okay, we. I want to engage with you in some intimate way. Let's talk it out before. And that will lead to the next one which is Going to be communication. But like, in an example of this is I just went on a sex cruise and it's not a sex cruise. Sorry. It's hedonism meets glamour with killing kittens, which is very true. But people were having sex and I noticed a lot of people seem like they were going there without any intention. It was like, if it happens, it happens. Happens. I saw a lot of those same people having issues with their partner in the corner, like crying and. And so that's one. Another piece of safety is like being intentional, especially if things are going to be heavy and heated or risky. Meaning, like not. Not preventative. But I guess it kind of is preventative beforehand can really save you a lot of time and energy in hardship.

[Ian Stratton]

Yep. And on top of that, there's. There's few things sexier than somebody knowing what they want and expressing it.

[Amy]

So hot.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah.

[Amy]

So hot. Or even if you don't know what you want. I don't know what I want. I'd like to know what I want, though. Maybe you can. We can discover together. Right. Like, doesn't mean like, a lot of people are like, okay, but I don't know what I want. Right. That can still be sexy as long as you have it, like a curious, open mind to learning about that. There's just. But if you're someone who's just like, like, like, I don't know.

[Ian Stratton]

I don't.

[Amy]

Like, you're not. You're not trying to discover that part in yourself. I don't know.

[Ian Stratton]

It's.

[Amy]

To me, it's unsexy and unsafe.

[Ian Stratton]

Totally. Yeah. I'm sure you've had the experience where there's some guy who's interested in you but isn't saying it clearly is just like awkwardly trying to figure out how to be close to you in different ways. And you're just like, it's probably doesn't feel very safe.

[Amy]

No. And then, you know, on the other side is like someone who just like comes in. They're like, hey, girl, can I show you a good time? Right. Also. Also doesn't feel safe. But I think also just another thing with safety for everyone, listening is like, are you safe in yourself? Are you creating safety for yourself? Because if you're wanting to create safety for the outside world, it starts with you.

[Ian Stratton]

Right. And so back to your example of, you know, it doesn't feel very safe when somebody doesn't know what they want and are, you know, like, being weird or stuff is coming out sideways, you know. But on the other hand, someone might really Know what they want and come in really direct. Maybe misattuned and a little bit. But like, you just, you know, it's like a little bit creepy that you described. But if you know what you want.

[Amy]

Yeah, then I'm fine.

[Ian Stratton]

That'd be a problem for you.

[Amy]

Yeah. Yeah. I actually just had this experience. Someone hit on me. Very. Put their arm around me. I'd like to play with you. Would you like to play later? And I was just like, no, but thank you for asking.

[Ian Stratton]

Right.

[Amy]

Like, okay, that's cool. I got hit on. I'm gonna. Thank you. But like, no, I already. I knew.

[Ian Stratton]

Right. And if you hadn't felt it, that security in yourself, if you didn't know

[Amy]

what you want, I'd fluff and bullshit and be like, oh, maybe I don't know. And then I'd feel guilty because I was. Wasn't being authentic.

[Ian Stratton]

And.

[Amy]

Yeah. Then it's a mess.

[Ian Stratton]

Yep. So. So that's the habit is just asking yourself, what do I want?

[Amy]

Yep.

[Ian Stratton]

What do I want? Everything else flows from there. And literally, you can do it in communication, talking to others, but also just as you go through your day, you know, before you walk into a business. Business meeting or when you get up in the morning, you know, you say you have an hour before you go to work. If you literally, like, what do I want from this hour? It's going to create a lot more safety and efficacy for whatever you do

[Amy]

as opposed to just diving in and free balling it.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah.

[Amy]

And then. Yeah. Yeah. Which can work sometimes, but not the

[Ian Stratton]

safest approach because I'm free ball.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[April]

Yeah.

[Amy]

He's not wearing underwear, folks.

[Ian Stratton]

All right. That's actually true.

[Amy]

He never wears underwear. I actually did know that about him. Okay, so. Okay, so we did safety. And so we could see how they're all connecting. Because the next one, communication, which is a part of all of these and is when people write us sex questions at Shameless Sex and they think it's about, you know, how to have a better orgasm. Our answer, and one of the issues almost always is related to communication.

[Ian Stratton]

Yep.

[Amy]

It is. It is huge.

[Ian Stratton]

And what we're going to focus on today, I mean, communication, like you said, it's. It's within all of these pillars to a degree. And there's also something that's so core to how we develop as humans from a very young age and then also relates to something that most of us are pretty terrible at to this day, and that's how to handle rupture and repair and this feeling of Being in disconnection. And how do we get back into connection? And it's the most natural thing. This literally happens. They've done studies. Oh, shoot. What is it called?

[Amy]

The studies?

[Ian Stratton]

The blank face.

[Amy]

Oh.

[Ian Stratton]

Around attachment.

[Amy]

Oh, not like. Wait, not a blank face. Like you're like projecting onto the blank face.

[Ian Stratton]

No. So they have it with moms and babies. And I think it's called like the blank face experiment. Something very similar to that. And they would have like a nurturing mother who's with a child.

[Amy]

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know you're talking about.

[Ian Stratton]

And then at some point, they. They just freeze and they stop connecting with the child, but they're still there with the kid. And then the kid starts doing all these different strategies to try to get back in connection and then eventually starts crying or feels disconnected. And then the mom will go back into connection with it. And there's this process of repair. And so how this happened with our attachment figures very much influences our attachment and how we deal with the this. And then we can create secure attachment with children by doing this in a healthy way. And we can create secure attachment with our. Our lovers, our partners when we go through life by doing this in a really good way. And. And we're generally very terrible at it.

[April]

Yeah.

[Ian Stratton]

So there's something that.

[Amy]

Hence why you and I have jobs.

[Ian Stratton]

This is going to be the most complex of the. There's not an atomic habit for this that we can leave you with here. But I am gonna. Along with this episode, I'll give you a link to a longer worksheet on. I call it how to Hug a Porcupine.

[Amy]

I love how to hug a porcupine.

[Ian Stratton]

And we go into this a lot deeper inside of the course itself. And it's something that just has a lot of complexity. If there's an atomic habit for it, it's just to notice when you're in rupture and then pause to be able to go into whatever your repair process is, which might be how to hug a porcupine or something else.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Ian Stratton]

Have a repair process, though. Don't just free ball it.

[Amy]

Yeah, don't free ball it. And. And also be. A lot of people don't like, aren't open to repair. Repair is a. Is a very important part of being in relationships.

[Ian Stratton]

Yes.

[Amy]

Right. A lot of you want to brush under the rug. You don't want to talk about it. You want to just move on on. That creates many ruptures. And they might be. Feel invisible, but they're still affecting you and. Or your Relationship. So another. It's not an atomic habit, but a tip or tool is if you are someone who tries to avoid repair, start maybe working on opening up to repair being really an important thing, and learning more tools on how to do that in a way that feels safe, authentic, etc.

[Ian Stratton]

That's right. And I mean the way this relates to safety too is. And this was amazing to me when we learned rupture and repair. For me, at me was the first time. And afterwards I was blown away and I had this realization that actually I started to look forward to when I realized there was a rupture with someone because I knew that on the other side of it, if there was another side. Because sometimes rupture does mean the end of a relationship, but much more often than that, that on the other side of it of repair is a deeper connection with a lot more trust. If you don't repair with people, you will always feel less safe with those people over time.

[Amy]

Yep.

[Ian Stratton]

And there will be less and less trust and more and more problems. You have to be able to understand how to repair with people.

[Amy]

Yeah, it does. There's not. There's not one way to do it. And we, you know, in. In its intimacy rewire. We're not only only teach you how to do repair, but you will be practicing it as well. But again, all these things, it's. These are important life skills and, and especially when it comes to relationship, these are. This is gold.

[Ian Stratton]

That's right.

[Amy]

Unavoidable. Although it is avoidable if you want like, you know, a relationship that is constantly in conflict or chaos or disconnected. Right. But most people, if you're listening to this podcast, this is not what you're looking for.

[Ian Stratton]

Yep. I don't. I don't think. I don't think we should even go into how to hug a porcupine right now.

[Amy]

It's.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah, it's gonna take too long.

[Amy]

Yeah, yeah. But.

[Ian Stratton]

But I'll give the whole. The whole worksheet that we can add with this.

[Amy]

Yeah, he has some fun graphics for it too, which is actually like a porcupine. And it was the turtle. A turtle Almost said a snail.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah.

[Amy]

Yeah. It's very cute.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah.

[Amy]

We also make repair cute.

[Ian Stratton]

We do.

[Amy]

So communication. This will also connect to this next one, which is pleasure. Hey, I know everyone wants pleasure to be first. Right. But when I work with clients and they're coming to me for something about pleasure, like we want to have more sex, better sex, more connected sex. But. And if we discover that there are other issues, relational Issues. We have to go there first. That's why we're doing this. Open sandwich, not an onion. You know, parts work, then shame working a shame. And then working on safety, working our communication skills. Hey, we did all those things, we can go to Pleasure Town now.

[Ian Stratton]

Pleasure Town.

[Amy]

Pleasure time. Well, actually we call this pleasure literacy. And so this is your understanding, this is really your skills in pleasure. And it's not talking about just being, you know, a master blowjob giver or whatever. You know, pleasure of pleasuring of other bodies. Oh, that's a good skill to have though. But I'm talking about also like. Like the awareness that, like presence of being in your body when you are giving or receiving pleasure and having an understanding of all of the. Not all of them, but most of the feelings, emotions and sensations that are going on for you and the people that you are engaging with. And you can't do that if you don't show up for it. Meaning, like you're not present. If you're in your head.

[April]

La la la.

[Amy]

Thinking about, I don't know, maybe you didn't work on shame yet. So you're thinking about your shame or you didn't communicate problem. Looking at the notes over here, you know, you didn't communicate about, you know, what it is that you want or need that can put you in your head. So that's why, again, these other things, steps before, in what the. The atomic habit, the gold here with pleasure. Oh, yeah.

[Ian Stratton]

What is pleasure for you?

[Amy]

Me? Oh, as a, As a whole, as you. This is a very complex question. Pleasure for me. Let's see. Pleasure would usually have, for myself would have some sort of euphoria. I mean, it's. It's definitely like positive sensations in my body. But sometimes my mind feels pleasure, but then my body feels. This is really complicated.

[Ian Stratton]

No, I like that. I like where we're going here.

[Amy]

Yeah, yeah. How do I define.

[Ian Stratton]

So something. Something yummy in your body, Something yummy in your mind.

[Amy]

Yeah, but if it's in my mind, then it's in my body. My body is an essential part of pleasure. Yeah, but it doesn't need. It doesn't have to involve touching. The body doesn't have to involve movement either. It could be, you know, having a wonder thought that makes my body feel certain sensations or having a conversation with someone and there's something that invokes pleasurables and I just use that. So really good. Yummy feelings in my body. What's pleasure for you?

[Ian Stratton]

Pleasure.

[Amy]

Orgasms.

[Ian Stratton]

It's just orgasms.

[Amy]

Just that's it.

[Ian Stratton]

Specific muscles.

[Amy]

You don't have them. No. Pleasure.

[Ian Stratton]

That's right. Just kidding. Yeah. But I get pleasure from a lot of things. So I'm having orgasms when I eat an orange or he probably really is. That's an ad. Pleasure for me is when I feel a real sense of satisfaction with the moment. And that can be very euphoric. It can be blissful and I'll notice it'll happen. Might even be some relief. Is a great example where I'll feel pleasure where, you know, something was stressful and I get past it and I'll like take a deep breath and I'll be like. And I'll realize like that's really pleasurable for me. So yeah, I would relate it towards a sense of satisfaction in the moment.

[Amy]

Yeah. And to all of you listening, are you curious? You're probably asking yourself right now, what is pleasure to me?

[Ian Stratton]

Pleasure for you?

[Amy]

Yeah. There's not. What? One. One right answer. And one of the cool things is whatever your definition of pleasure is, it's ever changing. It can be. Well, it can be ever changing, ever growing, ever expanding. And so there's a lot of ways and tools for you to. To dive deeper and grow your pleasure or I guess, yeah. Expand your pleasure from what it is now. And the way to do that or to be a pleasure literacy master is to have a pleasure practice, a self pleasure practice. And we're going to make this just about sex in this moment. We're talking about masturbation here, y'. All bait. And also if you're in the uk, wanking. But there's a difference between just bait and masturbating or wanking to get off versus I am touching myself to have more understanding and connection to my body or to expand whatever sensations you have. Right. So there's nothing wrong with like, I just need a quick wink and. And you know, and whether it's just for a release or some pleasure that. But that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about is really taking the time to be with yourself and feel every little sensation that is happening in your body as you are touching yourself. And they are the little stepping stones to bigger things, bigger positive things. A lot of people are like, I want the big orgasm, but you're not slowing down and enjoying the journey along the way. You're just at for the destination.

[Ian Stratton]

That's right. Yeah. And if you're not able to drop into real pleasure with yourself or in a small moment like eating an orange, I guess Is the one on the table right now. Then it's going to be really difficult to experience that when you're in a much higher stakes situation with someone else.

[Amy]

Yeah. And that's. So that's another good tool or practice. Like, maybe you don't start with masturbation or baiting or wanking, and you start with the orange. Right. Like, okay, I'm going to eat some chocolate today. How can I really slow down and enjoy every little sensation, taste and morsel of this piece that I'm eating? There's a lot of information there. And that's a really easy way to practice, you know, slow, intentional pleasure.

[Ian Stratton]

There's a. I heard a definition of addiction and a similar opposite definition of enlightenment that I think applies here really well. The addiction one is a steady narrowing of the things that bring you pleasure. And then the same person described enlightenment as a steady broadening of the things that bring us pleasure. And I love that. And I feel like that would be an amazing atomic habit. Whether it is in self pleasure or masturbation or with an orange or even just a deep breath. Breath finding how much pleasure can I receive in any given moment? And the more that you're able to expand that in smaller, simple things, the deeper you're going to be able to go when you're with a partner. Because I've noticed myself as I've tuned more and more into this, that I'll be with my favorite person making love in my favorite way. And at some point, my body will want to like, check out or leave. I mean, this can happen for different reasons. But one of the reasons why it'll happen is I notice I actually hit like a limit. And I'm starting. As I'm tuning into it, I'll notice like, oh, I'm getting to this limit where even though I'm loving what's happening, it's almost too much. Like, my body is like, nope, that's our limit for how much pleasure we can feel. And I'll start to actually think like. Like that I want to end it in some way when I know actually don't. I would love for this to continue forever. And the more that I'm able to do that practice of finding pleasure everywhere, the more that it translates into that moment.

[Amy]

Yeah. And with that, you know, whenever you have moments of pleasure, you know, we hear about nourishment barriers. We talk about that in Hakomi. When you have. So that. That would be like, you're not absorbing all the goodness that's here. You're either Intentionally trying not to absorb it or your subconscious is not letting it in. So any little bit of goodness, like slow down and try to soak it all up. Like really just be selfish. Like really, really just like what, oh can I, what can I get out of this juicy orange beyond what I'm usually used to getting. There's a lot of really good stuff in there.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the classic thing to do with that is, is with something that you eat. Like you'll get a raspberry or piece of chocolate or something. I find for my kind of scattered ADHD parts that it can be a little maddening to do that in the same way that meditation is. But applying it to something I'm already doing. Like can I find pleasure when I'm driving or can I find pleasure when I'm breathing or something like that. I find that to be much more accessible for me than like slowing down into one thing.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Ian Stratton]

Or with self pleasure. Because that's just delightful.

[Amy]

Yeah. Yeah. Not, not for everyone. For some people, like when we give this homework, like have a, have an intentional self pleasuring experience. So you're not, you're just, you're maybe it's like for maybe set a timer for 20 minutes or something and you're just being with your, with your body without having goals and trying to have the orgasm and feeling the sensations. For some people it's really hard. And so that's why all. Again, all this, all these things, it's a practice and these are all skills. But there's really good stuff in the other side of it.

[Ian Stratton]

So good.

[Amy]

And our last one, which is so fitting that it is the last one

[Ian Stratton]

because almost like we planned it.

[Amy]

We planned it is integration.

[Ian Stratton]

Integration.

[Amy]

Not a lot. Not everyone knows I guess what integration means or it means in this context. So what does integration mean in.

[Ian Stratton]

It starts with an experience. So you have an experience and there's something about that experience that feels meaningful and potentially has a potential to shift something about, about you or your experience in a way that you like. So when that happens, oftentimes it'll happen in that moment and then that'll just be left in that moment. And there's nothing wrong with that. But because we really like the thing and we want to carry it forward, that's what integration is. It's a process of understanding how do I take the meaningful experience that had some sort of a positive shift or a shift that I'm desiring and bring that into my life more often. And so this can be, you know, a common Place that this comes up is in the therapeutic world. So I have like a sleep powerful therapeutic session or healing session or coaching session. And it's so common that it can feel so powerful in that moment. But when we come back to the regular anchors of life, we can somehow lose it. And then, you know, question like, oh, you know, did that really have an impact? And so we try and find ways to be able to bring that through into life. And it's the same with Intimacy rewired or any sort of place where we're learning a lot of stuff because we want that to stick with us. And we've already said the thing throughout this whole thing because, I mean, I'm just a total nerd for habits. I think James Clear really nailed it because we want the bar to be so low on that habit that creates that change for us that we're taking away as much friction as possible so we can access it and access it over and over again. And so that's the habit is creating the habit. So with all of these things, you know, outside of communication, which we described, is a little bit more in depth as far as rupture and repair goes. Each of these had an atomic habit that you can take with you. And that's what integration is. It's finding. Even some of the ones we mentioned could be a larger bar than it needs to to be. So a good example of that might be, you know, for. Say you want to work on shame in some way, reaching out to your shame ally. That bar might actually be way higher than it needs to be. You could have a. You could have a. An atomic habit might be like, okay, every time I feel shame, I'm just gonna write down three words about it. Or every time I feel shame, I'm gonna pull out my phone and open the contact for my shame ally, whether I write them or not. Something like that. Where classic examples of this are, there's people who have gotten gold medals in the Olympics, and it's not because their habit wasn't to go and work out at the gym for three hours every day. Day. Their habit was to put on their gym shoes. And so that's the atomic habit they put on their gym shoes. And then everything else rolls forward from there. So you're really looking for that in each moment with one of these. Like, what is that for you?

[Amy]

Yeah. And so the. So in the integration pieces, there's the practice part that the, you know, the more you do that, the more it becomes integrated into your life as something that you no longer have to think about. Right?

[Ian Stratton]

That's right.

[Amy]

I want to learn this. I want to compliment my partner more every day. But maybe that's not natural to me. So I practice that and now it becomes integrated within my inner world and now it's just second nature and I don't have to think about it anymore. I've just changed myself.

[Ian Stratton]

So if we break that one down, that's a good example because you can always break down like what could the smallest thing be? So if you want to compliment your partner every day, start by the atomic habit. Is noticing something that you enjoy about your partner every day. Every day. You know, so. And then just mentally noting it. So I just, I notice like, you know, oh my God, I love Amy's hair. You know, she's fantastic. And then that could lead to me expressing that or maybe I'll decide, oh, that's not actually what I want to talk about. You know, I've told her that I loved her hair before. I'm going to find, you know, some new quality. You know, I'm really appreciating, you know, how gentle her eye contact is right now. And so that's what I'm entelling Jamie, who's not my partner but she is

[Amy]

in this moment again. I think they like the theme that keeps popping up is like there's these little things, they're very small, these little practices, skills, shifts, changes that when practice turn into bigger things, big results or change or growth. And that is in the nutshell. In a nutshell, the nutshell, Intimacy rewrite what it is all about out.

[Ian Stratton]

That's right.

[Amy]

It's not working on super complicated heady stuff that feels out of reach or is exhausting and. Or draining. It's these little things, these little shifts, these little practices and that was just a small array. I don't know if array is right where but a small assortment of tools and things that we offer in intimacy rewired. If you are feeling called for more. Guess what? We have a whole six week program on this starting. Well actually it's starting in the fall but the it is available in June 2026 to sign up and then it starts in October.

[Ian Stratton]

That's right. October 5th is when we actually launch and when this episode airs we'll have sales open and we didn't actually talk about this but I'm sure we'll have a sweet deal for.

[Amy]

Oh yeah, we always do.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah, we love our listeners and, and genuinely I want to out ourselves here. We really did give you the foundation of this practice. Today. And if you were to listen to this episode a dozen times and, and

[Amy]

actually do something with it though.

[Ian Stratton]

Yeah. And like integrate it into your life, you wouldn't even need to join the cohort. Like, the information is there. It's that simple.

[Amy]

And you're probably not gonna do that. You're not gonna do that.

[Ian Stratton]

Cause you're a human. And also the. There's a real soul to joining a cohort of people. When you're in it together with them and you're all supporting each other, you get a much deeper introduction and understanding of all of these concepts. Not just from Amy and I, but each week we have an epic guest speaker who is an expert in their field on these different topics. And you're practicing them in a way where you get repetitions in the moment of each of these things, and then you have accountability in between to start practicing these in your own life, which is where the rubber meets the road. And it's, it's being able to help each other take those first steps of, of not just learning them in the moment, getting those repetitions then, but then doing them when you go home and when you're with your partners, then it becomes something that just starts to happen on its own. And that's what we want to do. We want to make these automatic for you. And that's what we bring forward when you're in the cohort and you're supporting each other. And we've had so many people just from our initial cohort, which was very much a guinea pig cohort of folks, to be able to create much more defined one that we have now for you all. And in that one, we had so much feedback from people about like, as they started to do these things in their life. The transformation was incredible and, and so clear, like such a clear night and day or zero to one from what they're experiencing before.

[Amy]

Yeah. From stuck to unstuck or getting off the roller coaster and finally having a more a smooth ride or being disconnected and now connected. Or maybe you were connected, now you're deeply connected. It's. Yeah, it was really beautiful to see, you know, and also to offer it in such an easy way too.

[April]

Right.

[Amy]

Like not something that is. I mean, yeah, you're listening to the podcast. Like you, you can, you can make change by hearing something, taking in, thinking about it. But the big change comes from like, you can set the repetition and the practicing and also working with other people, like being in community with like minded folks who are working on things. Like we all learn from Each other. Other. And so it's. Yeah, there's. There's a lot of tools out there. So hopefully you all got some tools out of that, because that was just full of tools. I love. I love a good, tooly episode.

[Ian Stratton]

And I would say the biggest difference, too, from what we did today and what we'll do then, because we're trying to give as much information as we could in this short period.

[Amy]

Cliff Notes, not Cliffs,

[Ian Stratton]

is the class itself is so experiential. You know, there's. There's enough didactic to really get the understanding of these different things.

[April]

Things.

[Ian Stratton]

But then we're getting you in there and practicing these things. And it's super fun and wild and engaging and edging. Edgy. Edging.

[Amy]

Edging and edgy. With a sense of ease, though. With a sense of ease. Right. Like just without a lot of complications and just something that is. Yeah. A very, very approachable, gentle and. And. And I just. I'm always astounded by that. Like, how I didn't know that these little things. Focusing on. Working on these little things leads to the big things, like the. The great change.

[Ian Stratton]

That's right.

[Amy]

And that most people I know are looking for some variation of that in some aspect of their lives. And this applies to your entire life.

[Ian Stratton]

You nailed it.

[Amy]

Nailed it. With Intimacy Rewired. So Intimacy rewired. You can go to intimacy rewire.com. we'll put the link in the Show Notes. Notes in. We have a free offering for you if you do sign up. Also, if you go to the Show Notes, you'll see a link there because you get that. How to hug a Porcupine. That's right in there, too. So go check that out. If you're driving, don't do that while you're driving. And we're on social media, too. Are we Intimacy Dot rewired?

[Ian Stratton]

That's right.

[Amy]

I believe we are. I will put that in the show notes as well. Yeah. And so we hope to see you there if you do sign up. And if not, that's cool, too. But we hope that you practice these tools because. Because that's why we're offering them to you. Would love for everyone to have lives that feel deeply fulfilling to them in whatever. Whatever way, shape or form that looks like for you.

[Ian Stratton]

Yes. Love it so much. If you do the practices, do them, please ping us. Tell us how you felt about it.

[Amy]

Yeah, we love that. We love feedback. Well, thank you, Ian, for taking the time to meet with me. Even though you're going to be seeing a lot of me. Ian's gonna be sick of me pretty soon. Why do I sound like Donald Trump right now? Sorry.

[Ian Stratton]

To be the best.

[Amy]

Yeah, it was just the accent. I was like, what is going on right now? People sometimes are like, where are you from? Like, just Santa Cruz, California. Okay, well, to our listeners, we love you. We, meaning the entity of shameless sex. I'll speak for Ian. He loves you too. And April loves you as well, even though she's not here right now. And what else would April say? Because she's the closer. If you have not rated us yet, please rate us. It really helps our show out. We love five stars. Wherever you're listening, Spotify, itunes, all of things. If you're not following us on social media, we primarily use Instagram. Go and find us there also on YouTube. This video will be on YouTube of me and the beautiful Ian and. Yeah, I think that's it. Love you so much and. Oh, yeah. See you next Tuesday and ciao for now. To learn more, go to shamelesssex.com and

[April]

for 15 off some of our favorite sex toys, use code shameless [e-mail].