B (106:11)
Yeah. So as I started, really, once I got accepted to college, I was like, I can do whatever I want now. Like, he's just. He's just basically wrestling. All I wanted to do was compete and go to nationals and do well, and lucid dreaming, that was it. And within pretty short order, I'd say within a month or so. Some people come to it very naturally within a month or so. I could get to the point where I was inducing lucidity like, once or twice a night. And. That is a bizarre experience when you get to the point where you can actually modify your dream at will or extend your dream in certain ways. And at first, I'm gonna tell everybody in advance what you're gonna do. You might protest. But what everyone's gonna do is they're gonna do two things. They're gonna fly as much as possible and they're gonna fuck as many people as possible. Those are the two things everyone's gonna do. So then you'll, like, you'll fly around and fuck everybody for a while. And then you can. And then. And then you can start messing around in some really peculiar ways. So what I was doing at the time, one of my favorite wrestlers, just a phenom, John Smith from Oklahoma, famous for low leg attacks, never met the guy, but I watched tons of video. So at night in my dreams, I would have wrestling practice with John Smith. And it improved my wrestling in real life. So there are some really unexpected levers that you can pull and corners you can explore just through lucid dreaming. And it does take work. You have to train up to it. You have to have a very scheduled way to record dream content. Like it is a practice. But that also kind of raised a lot of questions, like, huh, okay, well, if I learned something 10 years ago, could I use lucid dreaming to go back and pull those books off the shelf? Is that possible? Maybe. And then I would say very early college. So this would have been. Actually, no, it was still in high school. At the very end of high school, I had my first experiences with psychedelics with mushrooms first and lsd. And after that, I was like, oh, okay. I don't understand how my experience of Time can be cut up into slices and rearranged in the way that I just experienced it last night. It doesn't really fit with my consensus experience of this reality. So what does that mean? I have no idea. But I'm interested in exploring what that might mean. So when I went to Princeton, I went to Princeton for a couple of reasons or I applied to Princeton early action, which is like an exploding offer in retrospect. I think it would have been much happier somewhere else. Princeton was a very difficult, stiff environment for me, but I went there because they had one of the best East Asian Studies departments in the world. Really phenomenal. Japanese, Chinese, Korean, etc. They had a very, very strong psychology and neuroscience program. So like Danny Kahneman was there. There was a guy named Barry Jacobs who had done a bunch of research with LSD and did a lot of research also on the serotonergic system involving cats and stuff, because cats kind of sleep all the time. I really wanted to work in his lab. And then thirdly, there was something at the time I was very sad that it ended up getting wound down maybe a year after I got got there. But there was something at Princeton called the PEAR Lab, P E A R Princeton Engineering Anomalies Research Laboratory, where I think I could be getting some of the details wrong. But I'm pretty sure at one point they had military funding or three letter acronym funding. They also had money I want to save from SRI International to use sort of computational and quantitative measures to study things like telekinesis, remote viewing, et cetera. And literally that had been started by, I want to say Professor John J. A H N I believe it was. And somebody should fact check this, but I'm getting pretty close. I think he was the former dean of the Engineering Department or Engineering Quadrangle and one of his postdocs. Not postdocs, but one of his grad students had looked at human influence on random number generators. And he was like, really? He was like, he's like, look, if you want to waste your time on this, it's not going to help you with anything. It looks like a terrible idea to me. And then when all the data came back, he was like, okay. And ultimately became so interested that he spearheaded this Engineering Anomalies Research Laboratory. And I wanted to know what the hell they had figured out. I wanted to get a read on what they felt like they had figured out. And this is a. I mean this is a high end, incredibly credible engineer, right? This isn't some rando. This is someone who was on the far side, extreme skeptic end of things, who ended up then spearheading this, you can still end up with beliefs that you want confirmation for. So again, the purpose of the scientific method, which is really a framework for thinking, is to. Is to prevent you from fooling yourself, right? But all of those things came together to answer your question. And I was like, you know what? I think that I think all of these things, if for the moment we provisionally say that maybe some of those phenomena have something to them, right? In the anomalies research laboratory, even if you exclude that psychedelics, lucid dreaming, certain types of religious experience that I'd read about, I was like, I feel like there's a possibility these are all touching the hem of the same garment. And perhaps that's all internally generated. Maybe it's like a temporal lobe epilepsy kind of seizure. Like when you look back at a lot of scripture, it's like, that sounds a lot like seizure, but does that invalidate it? I don't know. Like some of the most creative people we've ever known have also had something very similar. So it's like, all right, all of it meant like, I want to know what the hell is going on in here, if that is even possible. How do you even study it? It's like three pounds of fat sitting in this skull. What do you even do to study that? So I mean, all of those things, I would say catalyzed it, then went pretty hard in the paint with all of that for a while. And then since I had no, certainly no training, my friends and I had no training in how to structure psychedelic experiences. And I had a terrifying experience of coming out of a mushroom psychedelic experience in the middle of the night because my asshole friends. So the three of us had wandered off on some like, hike, and I was left alone in a house and I started looping because I was on a bear. I'm sure we weren't even measuring doses at the time, but I'm sure it was. In retrospect, I would say it's probably like 6 to 8 grams of dried Slosby mushrooms, which is a lot for people who don't know. And so I was looping, looping, looping. Wandered over to my parents house and my friends were like, you definitely didn't go over there. And then the next day, my mom's like, big night, huh? And I was like, what do you mean? So that was already a problem, right? I'm tripping my balls off sitting on like the kitchen floor with my parents. Like, that's bad enough, but when I was walking back to this other house where I was staying with my friends, I came out of my trip in pitch blackness, walking in the middle of the road, and almost got hit by an oncoming car. Like, the headlights coming at me is what woke me up. And then I, like, jumped out of the way. And I was like, okay, we're done. And I stopped. And the only reason I got back into it, the interest always persisted. And the other things, the lucid dreaming, the neuroscience, the interest, all of that continued. But I was like, psychedelics. That's off. Beast. And then in2012, probably 2012, my girlfriend at the time went on retreat to Peru and did three nights of ayahuasca and came back and was just a different person. And I was like, okay, that's interesting. And she said, you really need to do this. And I was like, I don't think so. And she said, It's 20 years of therapy in two or three nights. And I was like, damn, you know me too well. That's a pretty good pitch. And I was like, okay. And keep in mind, this is before I unpacked all the trauma stuff. But she was aware of it, and I was just white knuckling with my compartmentalization. I was like, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. And then just basically around 2012, just like, you know, the re entry from outer space, like, from the front of the hall's getting red hot. And I was like, oh, okay, I'm at risk of blowing apart here. And two things simultaneously happened. One, a friend of mine, one of the most successful extreme photographers in the world, said, you need to try some type of meditation. He's like, go pay someone and do transcendental meditation. And I was like, really? I'm gonna pay, like, whatever it is, 500 bucks, 1500 bucks to have some guy give me a mantra and I have to give him flowers? Are you fucking kidding me? And he's like, you can afford it. And I was like. And he's like, really? He's like, look at yourself. And I was like, all right, fine. So I started doing tm, which was actually an incredibly good investment. And the money matters. Why? Because you don't want to lose that money, and you have the accountability, so you're actually going to do it. Secondly, I started thinking about a re entry into the playing field of psychedelics. And I was like, all right, if I'm going to do it now that I know how to read research properly, and I have Access. I was living in the Bay Area, I'm like, I am in the epicenter in North America for exploring this type of thing. I'm going to do it in a really conservative step by step buildup leading to, but not committed to potentially ayahuasca. And so just thought about how to structure it safely. You know, interviewed, for lack of a better term, like I was hiring for a job, different facilitators, had people help me with the vetting, got reference checks, I got, you know, I really went over the top because that experience in the middle of the street had rightfully scared the hell out of me. Like I could have very easily been hit by a car. And it's like bad things do happen. Like people jump out of windows. Like, I hate to say it, but like those things do happen. So I wanted as many safeguards as possible. And so that was sort of starting in, let's call it 2011, 2012 was the re entry onto the playing field.