Peak Points | "I Was Covered in Blood" - Terrifying Moments as a Police Officer

Summary

Shawn Ryan Show - Episode Summary: "Peak Points | 'I Was Covered in Blood' - Terrifying Moments as a Police Officer"

Release Date: January 31, 2025

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1. Introduction to Ed’s Law Enforcement Experience in Tijuana

In this gripping episode, Shawn Ryan interviews Ed, a former police officer who served in Tijuana, Mexico. Ed shares his harrowing experiences combating powerful cartels and the profound impact it had on his life and career.

2. Confrontation with Cartels and Lack of Support

Ed recounts a critical incident early in his tenure where his unit encountered a formidable cartel group.

• Ed (00:37): "We were being hunted."

During a tense Mexican standoff, Ed and his colleagues found themselves outnumbered and unsupported by local authorities.

• Ed (01:10): "We just got in a Mexican standoff with them... Nobody shot around, but they just passed by us."

Despite being heavily outnumbered—Shawn Ryan (02:41): "How many of you guys were there?" Ed (02:42): "Probably nine."—the cartel’s show of force left no room for negotiation or survival, highlighting the dire situation law enforcement faced without adequate backup.

3. Escalation of Threats and Loss of Colleagues

As time progressed, the threat intensified, leading to the tragic loss of several Ed’s close friends and colleagues.

• Ed (04:02): "A few of my friends were killed... They were picked up by some cartel guys dressed as federal agents."

Ed describes the pervasive paranoia and fear as allies became targets, often betrayed under false pretenses, further eroding trust within the force.

4. Realization and Decision to Resign

The culmination of relentless threats and the administration’s failure to protect led Ed to a pivotal decision.

• Ed (03:02): "That's when I realized that there's no winning here... I resigned that day."

Faced with an untenable environment where the cartel exerted unchallenged power, Ed chose to leave his position, marking the end of a tumultuous chapter in his life.

5. China’s Influence in Mexican Cartels

A significant portion of the discussion revolves around the emerging influence of China within Mexican criminal organizations.

• Ed (12:35): "China is involved in fentanyl production with clear instruction by Chinese laboratory specialists. That's state-sponsored activity."

Ed explains how Chinese state interests have infiltrated Mexican cartels, leveraging Mexico’s strategic position and resources to advance their own geopolitical goals. This includes the establishment of fentanyl fabrication sites and the destabilization of regional economies to facilitate broader control.

6. Coping Mechanisms and Personal Reflections

Ed delves into his personal journey of coping with the trauma experienced during his service.

• Ed (22:41): "Humor is one of those big things that has helped me out... It's a good mask."

He emphasizes the importance of humor as a coping mechanism, allowing him to navigate the immense stress and sorrow. Additionally, Ed reflects on the cultural stigmas surrounding mental health in law enforcement and the lack of support systems for veterans in Mexico.

7. The Impact of Maternal Wisdom and Personal Growth

Ed shares a poignant moment of vulnerability influenced by his mother’s wisdom.

• Ed (28:15): "She told me there’s no going back home... You have to figure out what that looks like for your next."

This advice was instrumental in Ed’s decision to leave his perilous job and seek a new path, underscoring the profound influence of familial support in overcoming personal and professional crises.

8. Conclusion and Key Insights

Throughout the episode, Ed provides invaluable insights into the complexities of law enforcement in high-risk areas, the intricate web of international criminal influences, and the personal toll it takes on those who serve. Shawn Ryan skillfully navigates these heavy topics, offering listeners a raw and unfiltered glimpse into the life of a police officer battling formidable adversaries.

Notable Quotes:

• Ed (00:37): "We were being hunted."
• Ed (03:02): "There's no winning here... I resigned that day."
• Ed (12:35): "China is involved in fentanyl production with clear instruction by Chinese laboratory specialists."
• Ed (22:41): "Humor is one of those big things that has helped me out... It's a good mask."
• Ed (28:15): "She told me there’s no going back home... You have to figure out what that looks like for your next."

This episode serves as a poignant reminder of the relentless challenges faced by law enforcement in volatile regions and the enduring resilience required to navigate such perilous landscapes.

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For those seeking a deeper understanding of the realities faced by officers like Ed, this episode is an essential listen, offering both a personal and geopolitical perspective on the ongoing struggles against organized crime.

Transcript

[Ed]

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[Shawn Ryan]

How do you cope?

[Ed]

So we just got in a Mexican standoff with him, and I was covered in blood. My clothing was covered in blood.

[Shawn Ryan]

Why do you think there were no shots fired?

[Ed]

We were being hunted. Well, the older guy said the body's.

[Shawn Ryan]

A gift, kind of being recruited by the cartel.

[Ed]

That's when I realized that there's no winning here, not like this. I resigned that day. She said there's no such thing as going back home. Either you change on your way back to home, or the home you left changes when you're gone and you don't recognize it when you come back.

[Shawn Ryan]

How long into your career or do your law enforcement career in Tijuana did. Did it take for it to become real where you were? Like, this isn't a fucking game.

[Ed]

As soon as I got out, probably the second day on the job, we were. We were kind of spread out in this. In Baja state. And I got to see immediately the no fucks given by the cartels. So I remember me and probably eight other guys moving through downtown Tijuana in full kit, driving around in some marked vehicles and getting the order to stop from the lead car that was in front of us. And we parked aside and everybody ran out of the cars and adopted defensive positions. And a convoy of probably. I'd say probably somewhere 15 vehicles just passed right next to us. All of them, a few of them armored, all of them with AK47s. Some of them had federal police uniforms. Some of them had army uniforms. We didn't know who they were. We're getting calls from the. From the 911 service they have down there, from the municipal police, that they were municipal cops, but they clearly weren't municipal cops. So we just got in a, you know, Mexican standoff with them. Didn't nobody shot around, but they just passed by us. We called for. For support from the local police, and nobody showed up.

[Shawn Ryan]

How many of you guys were there?

[Ed]

Probably nine.

[Shawn Ryan]

Nine.

[Ed]

Nine guys.

[Shawn Ryan]

What's that, two cars?

[Ed]

That's two cars, yeah.

[Shawn Ryan]

And they had 15 vehicles.

[Ed]

Yeah. So we. That's when I realized that there's no winning here. Not, not like this, man. There's no winning, not like this. And.

[Shawn Ryan]

Why do you think there were no shots fired?

[Ed]

They didn't felt threatened by us. They didn't have any fear. So they just passed by and they actually went to a local little restaurant there and adapted positions around it, had dinner and then went back to their cars and left. No support came on our end. So it's one of those. That's when you realize how fucked you are and how no support now there's just no backing there. This was before the Philippe called their own administration. Slowly but surely things changed. We started getting more support, started getting more vehicles, more people coming in. We started working directly with the military and directly with some federal operational police forces. Eventually getting fear put into the. The opponent, the enemy, the cartel guys. It took some time. At the start of it it was just hopeless. Just hopeless.

[Shawn Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ed]

Going through the motions. I think it took about a year into it that a few of my friends were killed. They used to rent out hotels for us to stay in and we had this buddy system going on. So if you wanted to go outside, you had to have one of a buddy system. Right. But you would have to inform that you were going out. They didn't inform. They went to the store and thought it was easy. So they crossed the street, went to this convenience store and they got picked up by some cartel guys dressed as federal agents. They had the blue uniforms and everything with the patches, everything like down to every detail. And they were, you know, they were taken, Zip died and put into a van. They were found 24 hours later. One of them had his ID screwed to his forehead. We're being hunted. Yeah, you know, that's, that's when like paranoia.

[Shawn Ryan]

Less than a year.

[Ed]

That's less than a year. And I, I came out of there in a generation of 32 people. And a lot of them are gone. But those were the first really close ones to me that I saw. Lee was just leave in a horrible way. They're all young, you know, like I knew, I knew like I'd just been to a party with the girl and I met the girlfriend of one of them. It was a thing that I told them, don't marry, don't get girlfriends, because you don't want to leave widows. Interesting. Just for perspective. It's. It's a thing to be ashamed of or to hide if your profession is a cop. Or at least it was back then.

[Shawn Ryan]

Damn.

[Ed]

So because we're not the. Depending on where you were, cops are, you know, despised.

[Shawn Ryan]

Yeah. So Kind of wrapping up your career. You talk about kind of being recruited by the cartel, and I kind of wanted to go a little deeper into that. And I would imagine that you're recruited several times or had friends. You had already said that you had friends that have been recruited out of. Out of the police or maybe the military. And to the cartel.

[Ed]

I mean, the offer was. It was an offer, you know, it was always hot. They were always. You would always get intermediaries approaching you, like, hey, Ed, like, this is much money. All that it takes is for you to work with us. You know? But it was obvious to anybody, you know, as soon as you take an offer like that, you're owned, you're theirs. If you fuck up, if you're not useful, or if somebody finds out you're working for somebody that they're not a part of, you'll either get arrested, get killed by the rival group that you're working against, or your career ends, Right? So I got a lot of offers. A lot of them never took any of them. A lot of my friends and a lot of the people that I used to work with did or eventually would put into a position where there was no choice. Plata or plomo. Silver or lead. Colombian term, but it's popular in Mexico. Another code for it, it was one finger up and one finger down. What do you want? You want plata bloma? You know, want to be on the ground or you want to stay up here in the world of the living? I wasn't greedy. There's a lot of people that went into policing in Mexico that wanted to find a million dollars in burying a wall or something or just be on the payroll of somebody. I remember going to some of the meetings at the office and seeing, you know, some new hummers outside and some of the guys owned. Was it kind of scratching my head at it? Right? Yeah, a lot of. A lot of us went through a certification process called calea. It's an American certification process. And with that, you know, a lot of confidence exams, polygraph testing, all this type of stuff, all of us went through it. A lot of people got kicked out or fired after they went through that process, which, to us, to me, you know, I passed. So I was. I stayed on. So I figured that all the people that had passed stayed on. They were on the up and up. But people can be corrupted, like, from one day to another, right? So we were careful about everything. But I felt a bit better that everybody was going through it. Administration ends. Somebody comes, another administration comes in, and landmark Case declares everybody was fired based on the polygraph exam or the competence exams as unconstitutional. And all of a sudden you have six years worth of people that were kicked out of the job coming back into the job, their wages being paid forward. And you had people that were suspected of seeing lower cartel participation in the office now back at the office. So it got really bad and, you know, basically brought into the office all the work that I was doing ended. I got an offer to work for a single side of it. Basically they told us, hey, remember you're working here. Yeah, well, we're going to work against these guys over here only. And we want you to come in and. Okay, let me think about it. Basically, we want us to work against one side, which means you want us to work for this side. Yeah, I resigned that day and there was just no getting out of it or squirming out of it or going somewhere else. I didn't have any. All the people that I knew within high level government were gone because the administration changed. All the people that I knew in the leadership, in the office were moved around and I just had no choice. So I went, went outside, got my resignation printed out, signed it, handed everything in in a duffel bag, handed in my MP5, my gun, my badge, everything, radio. Got myself into a car, called some of my friends, my American friends, actually two. Two of them went down there, kind of helped me out to get out of there. Marines. God bless the United States Marine Corps. And they helped me cross the border and, you know, family in tow by this point, which was. That was probably the hardest part.

[Shawn Ryan]

I know everybody out there has to be just as frustrated as I am when it comes to the BS and the rhetoric that the mainstream media continuously tries to force feed us. And I also know how frustrating it can be to try to find some type of a reliable news source. It's getting really hard to find the truth and what's going on in the country and in the world. And so one thing we've done here at Shawn Ryan show is we are developing our newsletter. And the first contributor to the newsletter that we have is a woman, former CIA targeter. Some of you may know her as Sarah Adams, call sign Superbad. She's made two different appearances here on the Sean Ryan show. And some of the stuff that she has uncovered and broke on this show is just absolutely mind blowing. And so I've asked her if she would contribute to the newsletter and give us a weekly intelligence brief. So it's gonna be all things terrorists, how terrorists are Coming up through the southern border, how they're entering the country, how they're traveling, what these different terrorist organizations throughout the world are up to. And here's the best part. The newsletter is actually free. We're not gonna spam you. It's about one newsletter a week, maybe two if we release two shows. The only other thing that's gonna be in there besides the intel brief is if we have a new product or something like that. But like I said, it's a free CIA intelligence brief. Sign up link's in the description or in the comments. We'll see you in the newsletter.

[Ed]

I had choices in the US that I didn't have in Mexico.

[Shawn Ryan]

Yeah, it sounds like China's taken a major interest in the cartels in Mexico. And I've operated around China overseas several times. And those motherfuckers are just as ruthless, if not more than some of the cartels. Why is China's interest in Mexico becoming so strong?

[Ed]

It's your Achilles heel as a country. It's your number two largest consumer of American products in the world. It's a very destable place that's getting destabilized even more so this, this whole weird thought process that Americans have that the cartels are getting their fentanyl from China from some sort of criminal element within China. Like let's be clear, nothing comes out of China, nothing happens in China without Chinese state being involved or knowing about it. This is a place where Big Brother is the real thing, right? Everybody's monitored. You saw it during the COVID shutdown. You saw it with the way they're hand handling the Uyghur population. So nothing coming out of China is coming out of China without them knowing. So. So all that fentanyl being brought out of China into Mexico, that's getting, being put into heroin or some of these fentanyl fabrication sites that are being found in Mexico now with clear instruction by Chinese laboratory specialists. That's not a private entity, that's not the triads or that's not a criminal activity. That's a state, Chinese state sponsored activity. It's clear as day to anybody that kind of looks into this. One thing is regional destabilization. That usually happens when they want something from that country. So one thing happened politically within the US and Mexico relationship, the Trump phenomenon. Trump came into office and said, we're going to take a lot of our business out of Mexico and bring it back. That was one of the things that he said that was going to happen and did happen a lot of Businesses took their, took their plants and American business took their plants and companies out of Mexico. Instead of it affecting Mexico in a negative way, Chinese plants and Chinese companies are planted them immediately.

[Shawn Ryan]

No shit.

[Ed]

So something happened in that interval where somebody on this side figured out that probably a mistake and things started balancing out. Interesting thing to note. We currently have in Mexico a leftist president that is open Chavista, that's open Maduro supporter. But somehow there's an open and fairly friendly relationship with the US when it comes to the President and Trump and the president down there. I think Trump is very much aware of the danger that Mexico is in with the Chinese influence and the foreign influence within the country. Another factor that doesn't get talked a lot about is that Mexico has probably the largest minable deposits of lithium right on the border. China, through a Canadian company, actually won the rights to mine that a few years back and their mining rights got canceled. And I'm not going to go into Alex Jones territory. I mean, the conspiracy part of it, right where that mining discovery was made, that's where the Mormon massacre happened. So it's a key place and things happen there. It's a very strange kind of environment for all the influences and all the pushing and pulling that's happening in that area. Some of the people that I've talked to in the security field, some of the people that I've talked to in security field, outside of the friendly neighbors of the U.S. like in Mexico, there's a lot of Cuban intelligence services, service operations going on all over the place. Just like places like Venezuela, you can see a clear partnership and influence with China there. Right. It's in their best interest to gain ownership and control over a place like Mexico, which is going currently going through a lot of bad stuff, a lot of crime, a lot of destabilization. There's whole swaths of Mexico that are controlled by cartels. The new generation cartel, I think in a way is a product of that outside influence. It's the only cartel that grew during the COVID epidemic shutdown. That tells me that there's some sort of outside influence from China there.

[Shawn Ryan]

Are you seeing a lot of. Are you seeing a lot of Chinese coming into Mexico and kind of setting up shop?

[Ed]

One of the largest cash seizures was done on a guy, Jen Lee Segon, Chinese Mexican national, somewhere in the vicinity of $100 million cash found at his house. He was trafficking fentanyl legally and meth precursors into the country under some sort of paperwork legality. So there's some shady stuff going on there.

[Shawn Ryan]

How long has this shit been going on with China?

[Ed]

As soon as the US got a taste for meth. I think that's probably the start of it.

[Shawn Ryan]

When was that? 10 years ago.

[Ed]

Probably a bit more further back than probably 15 years ago.

[Shawn Ryan]

Fifteen years.

[Ed]

Yeah. Then there's been. This has just been exponentially growing.

[Shawn Ryan]

Is it weird, how do I phrase this? Are you seeing more and more Chinese people? Is it becoming like a common thing?

[Ed]

One of the largest communities with Chinese nationals are. Are growing all along the border.

[Shawn Ryan]

Wow.

[Ed]

Right. So I mean I'm again, this is, this is, I'm not. This is not something, it's not something in the realm of conspiracy.

[Shawn Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ed]

Like if you can. This is clearly happening out in the open in a lot of, in a lot of, in a lot of regards. And people can research this and see it, they see it for themselves. To deny that the largest cartel in Mexico is grew during the COVID epidemic because they clearly had a supply chain from China.

[Shawn Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ed]

Is to deny what's right in front of your face. To deny that more and more Norinco made military grade stuff is popping up in print places in Mexico is also missing something that's in front of your face. And to deny that. So how many people die from fentanyl related issues here in the us?

[Shawn Ryan]

Tons.

[Ed]

If you want to confront a military. The US is a superior military force. How can you corrode that?

[Shawn Ryan]

It makes perfect sense.

[Ed]

Generational.

[Shawn Ryan]

The thing with China is they're extremely effective.

[Ed]

No, wait.

[Shawn Ryan]

At whatever they do.

[Ed]

They have a lifetime president.

[Shawn Ryan]

Yeah. One. One being they don't. They don't fucking play by rules either.

[Ed]

Yeah.

[Shawn Ryan]

And you know China will come in and they'll open a whorehouse immediately to start gathering intelligence. Because people are going to go to the fucking whorehouse. They're going to fuck a Chinese hooker. The hooker is going to milk them for information. The information gets to where it needs to go and it happens like that.

[Ed]

It's Cuban intelligence services that are operating all over Central America and specifically Venezuela. That's how they act. Right. That's. Their people are playing checkers with these guys that are playing chess and they play the long game. That's something I think the US doesn't get. Example. China has a lifetime president. Cuba has a lifetime regime. With the Castro. With the Castros. They're playing a really long game against a country that has elections and politics change every, every, every, every every four, eight years.

[Shawn Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ed]

And, and they see the, the clear line and divide. So I mean there's Blood in the water. And I think, I think they can.

[Shawn Ryan]

Smell that everybody's taking advantage of it.

[Ed]

Yeah. And I got again, foreign eyes. I'm new here, I'm trying to earn my way into becoming an American, but still have that outside perspective. People getting offended by the whole Chinese virus wording or China isn't the villain as a country. People kind of coming into the defense of that. People within the NVA wanting to speak up about China because the Chinese are one of their best clients as far as buying some of the rights to watching some of these NBA games. Disney, I mean. Yeah, you can't say anything wrong, but how surreal is it that you can't speak critically about China if you work for the NBA? I mean, that is outside of the. That's outside of the realm of what I thought being an American was. Yeah, right. So I don't know, it's a weird time, but I think that's. They're clearly waging some sort of long term war campaign against the US And Mexico is being utilized as a, as a tool for that.

[Shawn Ryan]

Yeah. How do you cope with all the shit that you've seen? We talked about some of the stuff you've seen. We've talked about, you know, the disposing of bodies and some of the gruesome stuff that you've seen the cartel do down there. We covered the fact that you've gone on 2,700 fucking hits.

[Ed]

There's no numbers. I mean, it's just a blur of years of blurs. I don't know. I don't know how many of those.

[Shawn Ryan]

Well, you know, nine years.

[Ed]

That whole experience. Humor, big part of it. I think one of the things I've always recognized with other people that I meet that have people like you, that have an experience base, other people like that had kind of went through their own thing. There's certain commonalities that I see in people like that. Humor is one of them. Usually I could tell a lot about somebody if they don't have a sense of humor. You know, they take themselves too seriously. There's something, there's something amiss there.

[Shawn Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ed]

Humor is one of those big things that has helped me out kind of. It's a good mask.

[Shawn Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ed]

It's a good cloaking device. Humor.

[Shawn Ryan]

It helps get through the misery when you're in the middle of it too.

[Ed]

I listen to this. I had this, one of my closest friends when I, when I was working. His name was Jaramillo, very infamous name. I've kind of made him famous. It's my way of keeping him alive. He was one of the older guys that I worked with. He was a mess. I mean, he was a dumpster fire inside of a dumpster fire of a person. But he was very loyal, and he was a very good guy. Gave me some of the biggest laughs in my life. Usually unintentional, you know, he'd always kind of basically keep me laughing. He would push me into going into weird places and kind of getting out of my comfort zone and just taking every day as if it's the last one. We went on some weird adventures, including one that included a donkey show, which we won't get into, but. And we would always get shit face drunk every time we would come back from something. There was a. There's a word that I discovered or learned about up here in the US Called ptsd. It's not a word that we know down there in Mexico. There's no. There's no concept of a veteran or a support network for people that go through the experiences that I went through. A lot of people that go through those experiences down. There's no talk about that. There's a sense of machismo. You just take it, you know, it's fine. You know, just don't go crazy.

[Shawn Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ed]

So you'd get a few days off. You know, you get. You get to leave, and you would go get drunk and come back, and you would get asked if you were okay, and he would lie your ass off and say yes, and just go through with it. Go through the motions. I'm into history, and I like reading about other warrior cultures and people that did, you know, things that they had to do. You know, PTSD has always been with us. Yeah, it's been. This is what you talked about, your experience, what I'm talking about. We're not talking about anything new. This is the history of the world. But I think there's something happened culturally that separated us from how Beale used to handle some of these things or how some people would talk about some of these things from Spirit Quest as they used to kill them or finding yourself or going off on these pilgrimages or whatever form they took. Ceremony. Ceremony is simply performing an act with a symbology just to convince your subconscious mind of something. So from going to mass and eating a cracker that's supposed to be the body of Jesus and drinking wine that's supposed to be the blood of Jesus, there's a symbology there. To getting handed a silver coin at the start of a leadership position and getting told that you Were going to get another one because you go into it knowing it's going to end.

[Shawn Ryan]

Thank you for listening to the Shawn Ryan show. If you haven't already, please take a minute, head over to itunes and leave the Sean Ryan show a review. We read every review that comes through and we really appreciate the support. Thank you. Let's get back to the show.

[Ed]

I think some of those things are missing in some of our kind of modern way of approaching some of these things. Some of these things have been amputated from us. We're suffering from a phantom limb syndrome when it comes to some of these things. You know what happens after. Like I grew up having parties at the cemetery during Day of the Dead and I. Every day I get a weird feeling every time I travel up here and I see empty cemeteries with no people there. It's like a. Like a. They're forgotten damn space. There's no relationship there. I don't know. I think that that whole culture of suck it up, be a man, go through it. I get that.

[Shawn Ryan]

It worked. It fucking worked. You know, it works when you're in. It works when you're in it, you know, and then when you're. When you're off the bus, when you're out, you're fucked.

[Ed]

Yeah. And yeah, my mom used to say that. Toll. I'll quote that. I'll give that quote again. I went through a horrible of a few bad situations but I think one of the first ones, the war that I fought was at home with an enemy that spoke the same language that I did every now and then would share funerary homes with the enemy. The counter guys were bearing burial, were being mourned over on that side of the street and we were having our services for our guys who were here. It was different in that way. I had a very horrible thing happen. Very traumatic. I lost a few people and I was covered in blood. My clothing was covered in blood. My sneakers, my socks feel in my toes and blood has a tendency to kind of dry out and crust a little bit. I remember I wrote the reports that I had to write and talk to the people that I had to talk and I was let, you know, told to go to the hotel, wash up and come back. The second day I got in the car and drove straight home, like unconsciously just drove to my parents house. I drove probably three hours in the night straight there. I showed up sometime in the early mornings and my mom opened the door, she saw, she didn't say anything. She sat me down, took my clothing off. Put in the washer and maybe some coffee. She didn't ask anything. The next morning, Ed passed out for a bit. And she asked me, like, what do you want to do? I want to go home. She said, there's. There's no such thing as going back home, Ed. Either you change on your way back to home, or the home you left changes when you're gone and you don't recognize it when you come back. So she told me going back home is. That train has left the station. There's no going back home. So you have to figure out what that looks like for you next. That was very mind altering. She lived through a lot herself, so she was very wise.

[Shawn Ryan]

Sounds like it.

[Ed]

She. In her own way, she told me to suck it up. I stood up and I remember smelling my clothes. Downy fresh, you know. She bagged me a lunch, got in the car. I saw all the missing, missed phone calls on my cell phone. People were angry. I went back and faced the music. Told me, where'd you go? So I just needed. I just needed a moment. I got reprimanded for leaving.

[Shawn Ryan]

Damn.

[Ed]

But you know, it. It was. I realized that there was no going back home. So that gave me focus on going straight, surviving, figuring out where that road would lead me. That was aimless.

[Shawn Ryan]

It fucking changes you.

[Ed]

Yeah.

[Shawn Ryan]

How long did it take for you to realize your mom was bugging right on the money?

[Ed]

I'd say probably. Probably a few days after she passed away, she struggled for a long time with a few issues. And before she went, she told me to leave that job, leave that thankless job. And that's no longer the war you should fight. That's not your war anymore. She passed away and I did a lot of self reflection again. I got two days off to mourn my mom. She got to meet my kid, which I think was very soothing to my morning process. And everything kind of aligned after that. She passed away and, you know, a few things kind of shifted politically down there and I had to leave. I kind of. She gave me that push at the end, I think I remember thinking back to that moment and that kind of. I wrote it down. I've shared that on. I've shared that openly a few times. It went about. I remember. And every time I smell that morning coffee, I remember that moment. Kind of brings me back to that weird moment where there's no more innocence. You're facing your mom and you're not what you were.

[Shawn Ryan]

Yeah, I know that feeling. Sorry to hear that. But, you know, sounds like she was Looking out for you, man.

[Ed]

Yeah.

[Shawn Ryan]

You know, but. And sounds like she still is after she passed.

[Ed]

She's, she's always here.

[Shawn Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ed]

Everything I do, she's. She's always been like a big inspiration. It's one of those teachers that you don't recognize as a teacher until they're not there anymore. One of the things she used to do and pushed me to was volunteer work and we would go and feed some of the, some of the people at the Tijuana Canal. Heroin addicts. She gave me. She gave me the eyes to see humanity, even at the lowest levels. I remember one of the first self defense classes I gave was through a church group that would work with some of the prostitutes and Tijuana. And that was my mom pushing me to do that. You know, all this cool. You think you're, think you're some expert and stuff like that. Go teach them. They need it. She gave me eyes instead of dehumanizing people. I think that's one of. Probably one of the biggest things he gave me was the human factor. So I can, I can relate to people, can talk to people. Despite that they were trying to kill me, only a few moments later I could sit them down, give them a phone, have them phone, maybe a family member to tell them, okay, give them a cigarette, give them a swig of tequila and talk to people. That's a powerful armor that she gave me with that. And it's something I've been using to try and process that whole, that whole life that I left behind. Again, the world has ended for me a few times over.

[Shawn Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ed]

So part of my process to kind of. There is no getting better. There is no healing. There's. There's learning how to live with things. There's learning how to, how to find a new normal, how to find a new center or a new base. That's what I think I'm kind of looking towards.

[Shawn Ryan]

No matter where you're watching Sean Ryan show from, if you get anything out of this, please like comment, subscribe and most importantly, share this everywhere you possibly can. And if you're feeling extra generous, please leave us a review on Apple and Spotify podcasts.

[Ed]

Hi, I'm Joe Sal Sehe, host of the Stacking Benjamin's podcast. Every week we talk to experts about saving, investing, personal finance trends, crypto. Can't do it.

[Shawn Ryan]

You could have done all that, that research, all the breadcrumbs and thought, this company's never going bankrupt.

[Ed]

Foiled again. You never knew personal finance could be this fun. Throwing down the gauntlet.

[Shawn Ryan]

I'm bringing it today.

[Ed]

I'm only going to be off by six figures instead of seven. Every boy has a dream, Doc. Every boy has a dream, for sure. Stacking Benjamins Follow and listen on your favorite platform.