The One Where Bob Spoils Weapons

Summary

Sibling Rivalry Podcast Summary

Episode: The One Where Bob Spoils Weapons

Release Date: November 12, 2025
Hosts: Bob the Drag Queen & Monét X Change

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Main Theme

In this episode, Bob the Drag Queen and Monét X Change dive into their usual blend of comedic banter, shade, pop culture, and deeply unserious yet surprisingly informative debates. They cover everything from fitness and protein snacks to literacy rates, wildlife stories, city stereotypes, and, memorably, a heated movie discussion where Bob accidentally spoils the film "Weapons." The conversation is equal parts laughter, classic sibling-style one-upmanship, and cultural commentary that will please longtime listeners and amuse newcomers.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Fitness, Protein Snacks, and Food Trends

[05:01-07:37]

• The duo discusses their approaches to protein intake, poking fun at the growing trend of “protein everything.”
• Bob expresses skepticism at the endless array of protein-infused products:

  “We don't have to sneak protein into everything...protein gum, protein water, protein ranch, protein toothpaste, protein glasses, my protein pants. Just eat.” (Bob, 05:01)

• Monét introduces Bob to homemade protein ranch and chicken chips, to mixed reviews.

  “This bitch consumes ranch more than fucking air at this point.” (Monét, 06:30)

• Honest critique leads to a playful debate about the best way to make diet foods taste good, with Bob rating Monét's attempts at protein-based snacks.

2. Regional Education and City Stereotypes

[02:23-04:33 | 22:02-23:56]

• Playful rivalry between New York City and Georgia (and St. Lucia) about which region produces more literate or cultured people.
• The hosts pull up actual literacy stats and tease each other relentlessly:

  “But you weren’t part of that 56. I was part of the 30-something. Let’s make that clear.” (Bob, 04:27)

• Discussion around which city credentials are “fear-inducing” during an argument (e.g. “I’m from the Bronx” vs. “I’m from Staten Island”).
• Segues into whether being from particular cities or neighborhoods carries social “toughness.”

3. Wildlife Encounters, Evolution, and Weird Animal Debates

[10:40-15:29 | 19:08-21:20]

• Bob and Monét swap stories about wildlife run-ins (raccoons, skunks, possums) in New York and elsewhere.
• Spirited (and hilarious) confusion about whether snails and slugs are the same animal, which leads to a friendly fact-check.

  “Do caterpillars and butterflies look similar?...That has nothing to do with the price of China.” (Monét, 20:04)

• Bob explains the basics of evolution:

  “Humans are descendants from a group of ancient fish. Specifically lobe finned fish.” (Bob, 21:23)

4. The “Bird Test” & Relationship Dynamics

[11:15-12:27]

• Bob tests his co-host and producers with the "bird test" – if you care about the bird someone saw, you must love them.

  “The bird test is when you tell someone you love that you saw a bird, and if they show interest in the bird, then they really love you.” (Bob, 11:22)

• Chaos and bickering ensue as everyone hilariously fails the test.

5. Hotels, Cleanliness, and Industry Secrets

[27:04-28:48]

• Monét, who worked in hotels, reveals that deep carpet cleans and pillow washes are rare to nonexistent.
• Bob admits to trusting that everything is clean—unbothered and unbothered:

  “I will go to the hotel. I don’t check anything. I just assume someone came here and cleaned nicely.” (Bob, 27:25)

6. City “Toughness,” Population Myths, and Apologies

[23:11-26:23 | 39:19-41:12]

• Funny exchanges on which cities or boroughs strike “fear” when named in arguments, with the Bronx and Compton topping lists.
• Populations wildly guessed (and Googled), with both hosts being spectacularly off about numbers but doubling down for comedic effect.
• Running gag about who owes apologies to Austin, Texas, and each other.

7. Pop Culture, “Wiggers,” and Tattoos

[34:42-36:39]

• They touch on the once-trending term "wigger" and its problematic usage, referencing Eminem, Paul Wall, Jack Harlow, and nostalgia for New York-era slang.
• Side tangent about Pete Davidson getting tattoos removed.

8. Sex, Dating, and Stereotypes (NSFW)

[40:14-44:41]

• The hosts and producers veer into explicit territory about hookup stories, size preferences, "sex in Australia," and recounting legendary sexual exploits.
• Monét claims, “the dicks in Australia are pretty cool” (43:09), to Bob and the team's laughter.
• Playful banter about “size queen” vs. “fat fucker” stereotypes and clarifications.

9. Film Recap & The Spoiler Heard 'Round the Pod

[47:37-50:16]

• Bob attempts to summarize the movie "Weapons" and inadvertently gives away a significant plot detail.

  “Aunt Gladys, who we find out is a witch.” (Bob, 49:13)

• The team debates whether this counts as a spoiler, with Bob defending himself and then doing an on-the-fly spoiler alert.
• They dramatize fake apologies for the spoiled plot point, relying on their classic “apology-off” dynamic.

10. LA vs. NYC: Dating and Interactions

[51:47-53:37]

• Discusses the differences between men in NY vs. LA—NY guys are “individually hot,” LA guys are “hot in three ways.”
• On the feeling of isolation in big cities—Monét finds NY more social despite its size, Bob claims LA is friendlier in daily interactions.

11. Sibling Bickering & End Credits

[55:14-59:47]

• Arguments over the best way to steam the podcast set’s wrinkled paper.
• News about a potential medical “cure” for baldness, which delights them as “two bald girlies.”
• Candid talk about the reality of performing arts careers, with both finding comfort outside of acting.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “I can’t have them thinking I shit in the bed. I really need them to know this is chocolate.”
  (Bob, 29:19 – On a hotel mishap involving a candy bar)
• “If you say you’re from the Bronx, I’m scared.”
  (Monét, 24:17 – On intimidating city origins)
• “Frail New York guys...I like that frail.”
  (Bob, 51:53 – On dating preferences)
• “The bird test is when you tell someone you love that you saw a bird, and if they show interest...then they really love you.”
  (Bob, 11:22)
• “You still owe the entire city of Austin.”
  (Bob, 50:49 – Recurring apology gag)
• “Great dicks in Phoenix.”
  (Monét, 51:23 – NSFW, but peak Sibling Rivalry tone)
• “You’re a sexual tourist.”
  (Bob, 43:08 – To Monét, after city-by-city sex stories)
• “Let’s take a break so Lizzo has a chance to respond.”
  (Monét, 34:33 – After roasting Lizzo’s Midwestern roots)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Protein & Fitness Food Rants: 05:01–07:37
• Book & Education Shade: 02:23–04:33
• Wildlife/Evolution Debate: 10:40–15:29; 19:08–21:20
• Bird Test & Relationship Bit: 11:15–12:27
• City Fear Power Rankings: 23:11–26:23
• Movie Spoiler Segment (Weapons): 47:37–50:16
• LA vs. NY Dating: 51:47–53:37

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Overall Tone & Style

Classic "Sibling Rivalry"—irreverent, quick-witted, and joyously off-topic. Bob and Monét’s chemistry shines as they roast each other, share wild stories, and veer between pop culture, real talk, and absurdity. The episode is a rapid-fire, comedic riff on current events, cultural quirks, and unfiltered queer life, with plenty of inside jokes and call-backs for loyal fans.

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This summary is for listeners who want all the fun and flavor of Bob and Monét’s world, minus the ads and tangents. Whether you missed the episode or just love a good recap, “The One Where Bob Spoils Weapons” delivers pure, unfiltered sibling chaos!

Transcript

[A]

I'm Kiana and I leveled up my business with Shopify. Once I figured out that Shopify was a thing, I never turned back. I can create a site with my eyes closed. Shopify thinks ahead of us, you know, and it thinks about the customer more than anything. Every day I'm thinking about some other new business, but Shopify is doing it to me because it's so easy to use. It's like, I can't stop. I'm addicted. Start your free [e-mail].

[B]

i started Ornod in 2013 and we make bike apparel. The best part of Shopify for me is our ability to run the business as essentially non technical people. We're able to admin everything on the back end, front end, and sell things online easily. If Shopify were a bike accessory, I think it would actually be the bicycle. It's the thing that you do the thing on. We run the business on Shopify. So start your free trial on shopify.com.

[A]

my name is Bob the Drag Queen

[C]

and I'm Monet X Change.

[A]

And this is sibling rivalry.

[C]

On this week's episode, I give Bob my special sauce.

[A]

I spoil the movie. Weapons.

[C]

And we find out what made Bomb say this.

[A]

I can't have them thinking I shit in the bed. And we found out what made Monet say this.

[C]

That's been disproven. That's not how that works. I got the magic touch. Were you a 50 cent G unit fan?

[A]

No.

[C]

Like none of the songs. No Candy Shop.

[A]

I mean, well, I. I know some 50 Cent songs, but.

[C]

Did you like them?

[A]

Yeah, I knew they existed, but I would never be like, please play Candy Shop.

[C]

But like his big one in the club was hu.

[A]

Massive record. Yeah. Okay. I want to reiterate. I know the songs exist when they come on. I would do a little.

[C]

But you weren't a fan of it.

[A]

But I would never be like, I would never have bought the cd. I would never go to. I would never go to and search through the acrylics to buy a G Unit.

[C]

I would definitely.

[A]

I will say, I do think that 50 Cent was very influential in that specific tank top, that bulletproof vest looking thing.

[C]

I mean, they. They made their own one. He had like a line of them and they had like blue, white and red. Stripe was that book we all read in middle school. Things Fall Apart by Chinua Acheve.

[A]

Remember the book Middle School? That's not a middle school book.

[C]

That was middle school.

[A]

Absolutely not.

[C]

We read that in eighth grade.

[A]

Absolutely not.

[C]

Ask Kamika. We read Things Fall Apart in eighth grade with Miss. We did literally.

[A]

No, let me call her literally. No, that is like a senior or 10th grade.

[C]

No, we read it eighth grade.

[B]

That was freshman year for me.

[C]

See, freshman year.

[A]

That was eighth grade.

[C]

That's one year difference. We read in eighth grade.

[A]

You do not read Things to Fall Apart in eighth grade.

[C]

We did read in eighth grade.

[A]

That's a crazy book to read in eighth grade.

[C]

So ninth grade and eighth grade, the year. That's not that crazy.

[A]

There is a big difference between middle school and high school.

[C]

No.

[A]

Massive difference.

[C]

It is literally two months.

[A]

Monet.

[C]

Or three months from June to September. We're from New York City, honey. New York City. They leveled us up in Georgia. Y' all was reading probably ABCs in ninth grade.

[A]

Yeah, we could read. Y' all know y' all can't. Yes, we do. Georgia. I bet you New York City has a. Look it up, look it up. Look it up.

[C]

I bet you New York City has public schools. Public schools?

[A]

Yes, public schools. Oh, Bob, you think Georgia look up at. No, not in Georgia. Atlanta. Don't go to Ludawici. I want to hear. I want to see New York City.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Versus Atlanta. Brooklyn. No, no. New York City and Atlanta.

[C]

That's what we're doing.

[A]

You're trying to include. You're trying to include Staten Island? Bring us down. Okay, so we're not going.

[C]

No, no.

[A]

You trying to include Harlem? I want Brooklyn. No, Everyone knows Harlem. The Renaissance. And the smartest. I want Columbus or what? Whatever's coming from Columbus is not from.

[C]

No, wait, what's the one I want? Clayton County.

[A]

No.

[C]

Atlanta Public Schools. 32% proficiency rate.

[A]

32% proficiency.

[C]

Okay, what's it. What's New York State? New York City.

[A]

I can't wait. This is going to taste.

[C]

What you going to have when it tastes bitter and nasty and cold?

[A]

Chef 56.

[C]

Almost double the literacy rate.

[A]

But you weren't part of that 56. I was part of the 30 something. Let's make that clear.

[C]

Clear. Wipe your lips. Oh, in here, it's protein juice. You want to taste it,

[A]

Y' all just taste it. Can I just say, like, taste it?

[C]

Can you just taste it first? Taste it, Taste it. Then you can have an opinion.

[A]

Oh, my God. Watch, you guys. Okay, can I just. Can I say something, please?

[C]

God. Here we go.

[A]

I want to say anyone on their, like, fitness journey. I'm so excited for you to reach your goals. I really am. I. Like, I am because I've been on my fitness journey in times, too. But I gotta say, we don't have to sneak protein into everything. Protein gum, protein water, protein, ranch, protein, protein toothpaste, protein glasses. My protein pants. Just eat like I, I, I, how much?

[C]

Okay, I do 100, 156 grams a day.

[A]

Monet. That, that's not even hard to do. I, when I am trying to bulk, I am 230 pounds. I consume roughly 230 pounds of protein A day. I don't have to do any extra. I don't have to true protein gum or dry by prot Protein car or where my protein shoes.

[C]

I just drink clean protein. So I'm also. I'm not bulking. So I understand.

[A]

Okay, nigga, I'm not just ordering Big Macs. Don't call me a Big Mac bitch. I'm not doing a dirty bulk bitch. Okay, but what I'm doing is I'll get a protein shake. Oh, just a shake.

[C]

That is the shake.

[A]

But I don't like no, but the ranch. The ranch. So I was out of the kindness of my heart.

[C]

I was home. I know how much this bitch loves a white milky substance.

[A]

I love ranch.

[C]

This bitch consumes ranch more than fucking air. At this point. I was like, you know what?

[A]

And I do.

[C]

I was like, I'm home. I was like, I was planning to come to your place later. I was like, oh, let me make Bob some ranch. Some protein ranch. Because what the thing about the protein ranch is that it's not. You're not trying to get your protein fill, you're eating it. Because regular ranch has so much fat and it's so bad for you.

[A]

I think what would make it less. I think what would make it more appealing to me is if it were called low fat ranch. Because it makes it. Because you know what? I saw my phone hears you. They, okay, they did a thing about

[C]

it that has, that's been disproven. That's not how that works.

[A]

I, I used to believe that, but now I believe it's listening because now my phone, my TikTok tries to sell me protein soda. Soda.

[C]

Really?

[A]

My. And you're like, send the link. I know. Literally, I was like, send me the link, girl. Oh, my God. I'm saying it cannot be this hard to get in. 156 grams. You shouldn't have to do anything. If you have three square meals a day and one protein shake and a small bag of almonds, you will crush this, dude.

[C]

Almonds have too much fat. I don't want to fat any almonds. I won't do almonds. So what I have is a nice lunch, a nice dinner, and I have my protein juice. I only have one of these a day.

[A]

But then the ranch.

[C]

No, but the ranch. What about your gum? The ranch.

[A]

Your protein teeth. Anyway, I made you. Oh, yeah. And your chips.

[C]

What is this? Because, you know, we both love a chip.

[A]

I love chips. So I'm torn between my favorite snack being chips and gummies. And I. Ooh, it'd be back and forth.

[C]

Ooh, it really be sour gummies, right? Yeah, sour gummies are good.

[A]

It doesn't have to be sour, though.

[C]

Yeah, true. But I like a sour gummy. So these are. These are.

[A]

These are protein juice. I can't.

[B]

Guys, can you talk about how you make them?

[A]

So, guys, it's crazy.

[C]

So I get ground chicken. I season it, I put it on a baking tray, and I flatten it very thin. And I cooked them for three. For 350 degrees, for an hour and 45 minutes.

[A]

And I'm supposed to dip it in this.

[C]

It's guac. Do you like guac?

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Everyone likes guacamale.

[C]

I put tahino my guac.

[B]

I'm not doing that.

[A]

I saw a cool. Oh, they smell so bad.

[C]

It was.

[A]

Oh,

[B]

what do they smell like?

[C]

Because they were locked in there.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Fucking dramatic.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yo, this smells bad.

[C]

No, because they were in the thing.

[A]

So. Do you know how it smells when you're not the one eating beef jerky and someone near you opens a pack of beef jerky?

[C]

I would agree with that.

[A]

It's like that.

[C]

But I would have some dip on it.

[A]

Yo, this.

[C]

It did not smell that bad. You're so dramatic. Jesus Christ. Just fucking eat the goddamn chip.

[A]

The ranch that you gave was really good. Chippy back in the house. This is triggering. This is very triggering.

[C]

It's just a setup.

[A]

It is quite. It is quite tasty. I don't think I prefer it over a regular chip, but thank you.

[C]

You're very welcome.

[A]

I would say if I'm rating all the things you've cooked for me, which is three things.

[C]

Now I have to cook three things for you?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What you made?

[A]

Some protein ranch?

[C]

That's my cooking.

[A]

Okay. These chips. And then you made something when you're. When your grandma was in town.

[C]

Oh, well, my aunt made it. She made you. She made you.

[A]

No, you made something too.

[C]

I made something.

[A]

You had to make something. You had something you made.

[C]

Was it a food?

[A]

No, it was a fucking. I don't remember that.

[C]

You have a thing, right Here, a little protein chip. I can't. I can't do this, guys.

[A]

I can't do this. This is crazy.

[C]

I also started making. Anyway, I won't tell you that.

[A]

What protein? What protein? Nails.

[C]

So I've had these protein onion rings. You get just a parchment paper, you

[A]

put some parmesan cheese on it, and

[C]

you cut up the thing, the onions, really thin. You put it on there. You season it, a little. Little bit of baking pot on top of it with some seasonings on it. And you cook that for 30 minutes and it's comes a really good onion ring.

[A]

You know, I do not. Oh, I saw this really cool bird the other day, by the way.

[C]

A really cool. A really cool bird?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Here in the valley.

[A]

Yeah. I was like leaving. It was actually perched up on top of the building across the way. I saw this, like, just really cool fucking bird. Like, can you describe it? It was a massive. It looked like a hawk or an eagle. It looked like some sort of a bird of prey or maybe an owl. I don't think it was an owl, though, because the head was more long and less round. And I think it may have had like a five foot wingspan.

[C]

It started flying.

[A]

It was standing, and then it kind of flapped its wings and it kind of just stood.

[C]

Oh, my God. What if. What if it's like your guardian angel.

[A]

Okay. You passed the test.

[C]

What?

[A]

You passed the bird test.

[C]

What's the word? Test?

[A]

Do you not know the bird test?

[C]

No.

[A]

The bird test is when you tell someone that you love that you saw a bird, and if they show interest in the bird, then they really love you. What the is this?

[B]

I will say, doing it on a podcast where Monet is specifically trying to continue a conversation is a dumb place to.

[C]

You're a nonbeliever.

[A]

Jacob failed the birth test.

[C]

You know, I. I'm generally.

[A]

You failed the birth test too. No, you did fail the birth test. They both failed the birth test.

[C]

I'm genuinely curious.

[A]

I was like. I was like. Jacob was on his birth. He was like, okay.

[C]

Also, what's interesting is that I feel

[A]

like I don't hear you.

[C]

Like, you care about stuff like that.

[B]

That's not true. That's not what happened.

[A]

What happened?

[B]

You said you were watching Peacemaker.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And you were like, do you want to know what happens in season one of Peacemaker? And I kind of had a vague idea already, so I said, I am good. And you said, you failed the bird test.

[C]

Wait, how is.

[A]

Because I replaced the bird with Peacemaker.

[C]

Oh, got it.

[A]

The TV show. And I asked Tao. Did I ask you about the bird? And Tao failed the bird test. They both failed the bird test.

[B]

But to be clear, I knew what happened in season one of Peacemaker. Already?

[C]

Yes. That's not fair.

[A]

What do you have to say about yourself?

[C]

I don't like birds.

[A]

T said he doesn't like birds. You know, I used to.

[C]

When I used to live.

[A]

Call Andy right now. Tell me, saw a bird.

[C]

No, he's at a thing right now. He's at. He. He can't talk right now.

[A]

Like he's lost his voice.

[B]

Damn. He failed the bird test.

[C]

That's crazy. When I used to live all the way in Yonkers on. On the last one, when I was in the Bronx, I. Cuz I had that big ass park across from me. That's where I had a lot of wildlife. I had skunks. I used to see cardinals, blue jays. There's a lot of birds up there.

[A]

Skunks are pretty common in the south,

[C]

but not in New York.

[A]

No, you're right. I remember the first time I saw a raccoon in New York. I was like, whoa. I thought. I would have thought I'd never see a raccoon.

[C]

The raccoons that live across over the way, they're in that dumpster over here.

[A]

They do right around the dumpster over there.

[C]

Y' all have raccoons right here. When you leave here at night, y'

[A]

all don't see them parlaying over there?

[C]

No. Y' all have a family of raccoons parlaying in that dumpster.

[A]

Raccoon climbing a light pole in Queens when I lived out in Ozone Park. Ozone Park. Can I tell you about some really upsetting moments I've had in my life in New York City?

[C]

Because raccoons are scary because they have.

[A]

They. They.

[C]

They want and they not on that. They, like, touch things like humans. Because they have opposable thumbs. They do. They do.

[A]

And I'm not saying they don't. I think. Okay. Is the term posable thumbs or opposable?

[C]

I said opposable thumbs. I just said it really fast.

[A]

Is the term posable or opposable?

[C]

I think it's opposable.

[B]

It's opposable.

[A]

Opposable thumbs.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

No, raccoons, definitely. They can grab things. They. And they use tools.

[C]

They need to use tools.

[A]

Raccoons use tools.

[C]

Like. Like they're gardening.

[A]

Like a raccoon will use a rock and break something.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

They were like, a raccoon will like.

[C]

I Would say when people. Oh, my God. They see, like, that's a creepy little thing. Using this.

[A]

Using this raccoon is using the stick to.

[B]

It's trapped in the trash can and it's going to use the stick.

[C]

That is so crazy.

[A]

Yeah, raccoons. Raccoons are animals that know how to use tools.

[C]

I love well when people domesticate them, I think that's kind of cool. But I'm like, I don't know, having a raccoon in your house scenes. They could open door. Colleen does open our doors, though.

[A]

Well, the scary thing about raccoons, that they are one of the major animals that carry rabies.

[C]

Can't you inoculate it? Inoculate them from it?

[A]

I. I don't know. Bobcats, raccoons, possums. I can't remember.

[C]

The other things I have possums in my yard, I think are big bats.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

There's a video of me. Of me getting trouble. Oh, my God.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

I got out of you getting what I was putting. I was getting some Uber eats late at night, and instead of going through the house, I just walked around the side and when I came back, bitch, when I tell you the biggest fucking possum. First of all, I haven't seen many, but this was big. It was like this size on the top of the wall, like going inside of. These are pretty big possums.

[A]

Like the size of a cat.

[C]

The thing is that. But their eyes are so soulless. Oh, no. Like, it's like an empty void you're looking into. It's creepy.

[A]

Seems pointed.

[C]

They don't have souls. We're talking about souls the other day. That's a very interesting conversation.

[A]

Was it souls? No, we were talking about.

[C]

We were kind of about sinners and souls and losing your soul.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, I. I think that we've had this conversation podcast before, but I do still think it's an interesting conversation. But the long and short of it is, in the world of sinners, if you guys haven't have not heard this conversation, I feel like you do not want to be turned into a vampire. Thank you.

[C]

No, thanks for you. I had to get over

[A]

that was.

[C]

I noticed something. I was trying to help you out.

[A]

Don't look them down. Don't look them down.

[C]

Anyway,

[A]

in the world of sinners, I would not want to be turned into a vampire because then you lose your soul.

[C]

And my point is, like, I don't care. Lose it. I'd rather live forever.

[A]

You don't live.

[C]

Oh, well, until Someone kills.

[A]

Being a vampire does not guarantee you

[C]

live forever until someone's killed.

[A]

Which is the same thing as being a human, by the way.

[C]

Well, look. Look at Lestat. Lestat has been living for centuries, but

[B]

he's not in the world of sinners.

[C]

I know, but I'm talking about just vampires in general, okay. Like, he lives forever.

[A]

Yeah, that little.

[C]

Your Irish. Irish.

[A]

He.

[C]

He was along.

[A]

Some human beings live to be a hundred. Most of us don. You're picking, like. Oh, well, this one person lives most. Again, I want to reiterate. Most of the people who were turned to vampires didn't even. They weren't even vampires for 24 hours.

[C]

But that was also a diff. A very. That's like saying everyone who was alive in the Civil War, they died young. Like. Yeah. They were fighting a war. They were literally in a little mini war.

[A]

Do you think that you would rather. So let's say there's a caterpillar, and if it touches. Have you heard of this analogy?

[C]

No.

[A]

If the caterpillar touches you, you die.

[B]

I think it's a snail.

[A]

A snail with a. With the same. If this caterpillar.

[C]

Snail. Not the same thing. Okay, got it.

[A]

I know that. A snail in the California.

[C]

Do you?

[A]

I. Yes, I do.

[C]

Okay, good.

[A]

Caterpillars are kind of furry and they go in cocoons and they become. Butterflies have shells and they're slimy. They don't become anything.

[C]

They do. They become slugs. That's they do.

[A]

That's they do. Slugs and snails are different things.

[C]

Look it up.

[A]

Let's look it up, girl.

[C]

I come from St. Lucia. We have snails and slugs.

[A]

Okay. We have snails and slugs in Georgia too.

[C]

Do you think you should know this?

[A]

Do you think snails and slugs only exist? You know what? Let's talk about after this break.

[C]

Close your eyes. Exhale. Feel your body relax. And let go of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh, my gosh, they're so fast.

[A]

And breathe. Oh, sorry.

[C]

I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-contacts.

[A]

They're not like kangaroos in Australia.

[C]

We have kangaroos in America. Just to be clear, we do not have. They are in zoos.

[A]

We kangaroos in zoos.

[C]

So are they Not. Do we not have zoos in America?

[A]

Yeah, but they're not. That's not the same thing.

[C]

That's not what I was saying. I was just saying we have kangaroos in America and are. Indeed.

[A]

I'm saying, you being like, I grew up in St. Lucia. We have snails and slugs. Yeah. Okay. There are snails and slugs, I think, on every continent except Antarctica. We all grew up with snails and slugs.

[C]

Did we. Did you guys all have snails and slugs?

[A]

Yeah, everyone has snails and slugs. Okay. Y' all have more snails and slugs in St. Lucia than the rest of us.

[C]

Well, I. There. In the year 2012. No, no, no. There was. There was, like, this infestation of African slugs in St. Lucia. It was like they were, like, everywhere. There are snails in Antarctica, honey.

[A]

No. We need to talk about whether or not snails become slugs.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Do they? They do.

[A]

Where? No. You were making this up. Why are you not looking this up?

[C]

Oh.

[B]

Cause I thought Monet was doing a bit.

[A]

No. Well, look it up.

[B]

Oh, no, Monet, that's not true.

[A]

I mean, show one of those crazy. We can know for sure.

[C]

They look like the same thing, don't they?

[A]

No, Monet. No.

[C]

No. But snails have the shell.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Slugs don't.

[A]

So I thought maybe when they evolve

[C]

kind of like a Pokemon, they lose the little shell.

[B]

I think she's doing a bit.

[C]

I'm not doing a bit of.

[A]

That's crazy. Okay. Okay. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Lift off sales.

[C]

That slugs don't look similar to you.

[A]

We didn't say they don't look similar. So I thought.

[C]

So is this not a logical thing to be like, oh, okay.

[A]

Do caterpillars and butterflies look similar?

[C]

No, but that doesn't mean that they.

[A]

That doesn't mean it.

[C]

That has nothing to do with the price of China.

[D]

What does?

[A]

Something similar to evolving into something else? Because I thought that maybe as they get older, they lose the metamorphosis.

[C]

Not metamorphosis. I thought that when they mature, they can. I thought that maybe, like, when they were young, the shell is for protection, and when they get older, they lose it because they're fine.

[A]

No, your shell grows with you.

[C]

No, they change shells, I think.

[B]

No, that's crabs.

[A]

Your shell. Your shell.

[C]

Hermit crab.

[A]

Your shell grows with you. So if a snail loses its shell, it's a wrap. Snails can't exist with other shells?

[C]

No. Individual snails cannot turn into slugs. Slugs are a separate group of mollusks. Wait, what other. What are the Sea animals that are mollusks.

[B]

Like clams.

[A]

Right. How do we get here?

[C]

How.

[B]

Okay, I will say in Monet's defense, over the course of millions of years of evolution, snails don't thank you.

[A]

Do not thank you. Do not thank you. See, so technically I am correct.

[C]

You look at this motherfucker snail.

[A]

So fish become humans. No, fish become humans. Over the course of billions of years, fish will become humans.

[C]

No.

[A]

So. No, no, no. Same thing.

[C]

No, not if you said primates and humans. Yes.

[A]

No. Fish become humans.

[C]

When.

[A]

Monet, you don't believe in evolution? What?

[C]

Fish was a human.

[A]

It starts as a single cell organism, and then it becomes a fish, and then it grows legs, and then at some point, becomes a human. Yes. Humans are descendants from a group of ancient fish. Specifically lobe finned fish. What the fuck?

[C]

I must have missed that chapter in school.

[A]

Oh, but y' all reading comprehension is so good.

[C]

Yeah, we can read. We're nerds in the fucking biology lab.

[A]

Let's be clear.

[C]

Doing dissecting.

[A]

Wait, so I need to be clear because at one point you're like, oh, in New York City, we this. But in St. Lucia. So where did you grow up? So, wait, no. So is your literacy rate the one in St. Lucia, or is it the one in New York City?

[C]

It's both. Yes.

[A]

And so somewhere in the middle. Cause I had the privilege. What's the literacy rate in St. Lucia? We're gonna find the media and Jacob. We need to find the literacy rate in St. Lucia. I had the privilege at St. Peter's School for Wayward Girls. Wherever Monet went. What was the name of your school?

[C]

91%.

[A]

So you tell me it's 90.1%. So. So let's do the average.

[C]

Right?

[A]

So I'm about like a 70% literacy

[C]

rate compared to your 22.

[A]

Whatever the fuck it was. Well, then add my other places. Add in Mississippi girl down, it is 28. We're getting lower. I'm not from Mississippi.

[C]

But now you are 20. You're at 31 now, from Mississippi. But you.

[A]

I lived in Mississippi for, like, a year.

[C]

And that wasn't a very informative year for you.

[A]

No, I lived there for, like, one year.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And I lived in D.C. for 12 years. So now I'm back up.

[C]

You're not. Because you were going to school in New York City.

[A]

I learned. I learned. I'm from the school of hard. I learned the school of hard knocks. I was discussing today. There are places that strike fear into the heart of someone. When you say I'm from before you get into a physical altercation, like, if

[C]

we're arguing and I say I'm from X, that means, like, they're saying that to intimidate the other person. Like, be. Be careful, because I will you up.

[A]

So I want to. Let's go back and forth and name some places that do indeed strike fear. And then name some big cities, some big towns that do not strike fear. Like, for example, for me, you saying I'm from New York City is not enough.

[C]

No, no, no.

[A]

Because you could be from. You could be.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You can be from Staten Island.

[C]

Yeah. If you say you from the Bronx.

[A]

The Bronx is the scariest.

[C]

Yeah. I would agree.

[A]

In terms of New York City, if you say I'm from Harlem, I would be like, you're a little artsy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Not y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

Not that y'.

[C]

All.

[A]

Not tough, but you're a little artsy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

If you say I'm from Brooklyn, I don't know where you're from. Brownsville. I have fear.

[C]

East New York.

[A]

East New York. I have fear. Bed Stuy.

[C]

Okay, Bed Stuy. Now, if you said bed Stuy, like, 15 years ago, how old are you

[A]

saying I'm from Bed Stuy. How old are you? How old is the person saying this?

[C]

If this person is, like, 57.

[A]

Fear.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

27.

[C]

Girl pitch, please.

[A]

No fear.

[C]

If you say you're from the Bronx, I'm scared.

[A]

I don't care where you're from in the Bronx. I don't care if you're from right over the bridge or right underneath. What's the place above North? The first.

[C]

Right above Fordham.

[A]

You know, the town right above White Plains.

[C]

Oh, Yonkers.

[A]

Yonkers. I don't care if you're from. I don't care where you're from. Where you're from in the Bronx. It genuinely gives me.

[C]

I agree.

[A]

For.

[C]

For la, I would say if someone says they're from Compton.

[A]

Compton.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But you can't just say la.

[C]

Yeah. You could be from.

[A]

You could be from Burbank.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You could be from. You could be from.

[D]

From.

[A]

We hope you could. You could be from Beverly Hills. It's not scary to me.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Now, I will say your race changes how scary it is. If you're white and you say, I'm from New York City. Not scary. You're white. From Mississippi. I'm afraid now.

[C]

Yeah. I would agree with that.

[A]

That is scary.

[C]

If you're white and you say you're from Jackson, I'm scared.

[A]

Jackson, Mississippi.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

No being black. From Jackson. Is scary.

[C]

White people in Jackson aren't scary. That's what my perception of it is.

[A]

Well, most. Jackson is a black town. Is it? Yes. You know Patty, right? But Jackson is a black town. Patrick is from a black town.

[C]

Is he really?

[A]

Can we look with the black population in Jackson, Mississippi? Yeah, Jackson is a very. Know that Jackson is a very, very black town.

[C]

If you say, why are you from Texas? I'm scared.

[A]

Well, where. Not Austin. If there. If you say, I'm from Austin, Texas, I don't care.

[C]

Oh, wow. 80 in Jackson, Mississippi, black people.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Patrick is a minority.

[C]

Patrick Minor, Patrick Miner.

[A]

Patrick minority. Exactly. So if you're white from Jackson, that's not really that scared of me. But if you are from Texas, if you say you're from Austin, I. When I tell you, not even an ounce of fear comes. I don't care who you are. There is nothing about saying, nigga, I'm from Austin.

[C]

I'm sorry, excuse me.

[A]

What? Their whole thing is that, I mean,

[C]

which Portland says that they try to do. Portland. Austin is literally reheating Portland's nachos. And they say because they're like Keith Austin Weir when that's been Portland slogan for years.

[A]

But Austin. What? I don't know.

[C]

That is.

[A]

The thing is, look at our weird carpet at the airport.

[C]

No, there's literally, you know, this carpet at the airport. It's awful. It's terrible. Well, anywhere is annoying.

[A]

First of all, they changed it.

[C]

Did they really, girl?

[A]

So I. I saw the old carpet and the new carpet and they got mad and they took the old carpet and they started selling the old carpet to people because people were so mad, they took the carpet out of the Portland airport.

[C]

Why is there carpet in the airport? Period.

[A]

Having carpet and connected.

[C]

The other day I was like walking around a hotel, I just felt. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, how often do you think they fucking clean or shampoo this carpet? Everyone walks in a hotel. Yeah. Never. You think they're often shampooing the carpet in the hotel?

[A]

Frequently, yeah, I genuinely do.

[C]

I don't think so.

[A]

I've seen it.

[C]

I worked in hotels for. From 12th grade until like fucking. I quit to do drag. And never once did we have to shut down rooms for deep cleaning the carpets.

[A]

Ever.

[C]

Never in any of the hotels I work for.

[B]

At the.

[C]

At the Courtyard, Trusting. At the Courtyard, at the Holiday Inn, at the Yale Club, we didn't do that.

[A]

I tell you, I will go to the hotel. I don't check anything. I don't lift up anything I don't check behind. I'm just like. I just assume someone came here and cleaned nicely. Yeah, I will take the cup and just drink right out of it.

[C]

I mean, I would do that too. Even though there's that whole thing that they say that they don't really clean it with soap and water. They use Windex to clean it, to make it shine, whatever.

[A]

Why do you sound so Caribbean today?

[C]

I don't know, I'm just talking to.

[A]

Are you talking to your family or something today?

[C]

No, just existing in the world.

[A]

Cause it's more than like soap and water. That was kind of like New Orleans soap. And your accident is all over the place today.

[C]

It's just existing.

[A]

You said soap and water, baby. You say, yeah, that baby. They cleaning with soap and water, baby.

[C]

So I'm telling you, as someone who worked in hotels, we never stopped to deep clean this thing.

[A]

Also, do you work in cleaning?

[C]

No, but we. As a front desk, we would know. Cause if you are shampooing a rug in a room, we need to know that. Cause we're not selling that room.

[A]

What about when someone vomits in the room or someone spills?

[C]

I mean. But yes, in those rare occasions, if someone is throwing up on the carpet, sure, we'll clean it. But to say that we will stop regularly from maintenance to shampoo stuff. Also. Another thing that they don't do is when you have those throw pillows on the bed, those don't get cleaned unless they're, like, intentionally, like, dirty. They will, like, clean it, but they don't, like, clean them every time and think of the person before he was laying on it. They got the armpits on it.

[A]

Like, that's.

[C]

They're dirty.

[A]

I eat all the candy.

[C]

What candy? Where?

[A]

Whatever candy.

[C]

They just put candy in your room. Oh, like the hotel.

[A]

The $90 candy bars. Every time. I wouldn't. I would rather eat the $40 candy bar than go down to the Duane Reade. One time I Rich, I dropped the candy bar in the bed and it looked like. And I was like, Jesus Christ. I think myself. I need them to know this is chocolate. I remember thinking myself, like, how can I'm like, I can't have them thinking I in the bed. And I really need them to know that this is chocolate. It's so flipped. I just put the wrapper, like, next to it.

[C]

And you stuck it on there.

[A]

Like, no, I ate the whole candy bar. But I like, I made sure I didn't. I had to get the wrapper out of the trash. Can. Cause I eat candy bars, by the way. Fully unwrap it, bar in hand.

[C]

You're a fucking psychopath. So now your hand just have chocolate also.

[A]

You think. Do you. Have you seen me eat? Do you think this candy bar is in my hand long enough to melt?

[C]

So can we please rewind a few episodes back when I said you. Can we please.

[A]

I don't want you saying it. Can we please say it? I need you to do it from. I know where you live.

[C]

You better put that shot. You do it.

[A]

I don't care if you are from the Bronx. I'm from Atlanta.

[C]

You better put that clip right here,

[A]

cuz this Atlanta strike fear.

[C]

No.

[A]

Okay, you're crazy. Atlanta strikes fear.

[C]

No, Not I'm from Atlanta.

[A]

I'm from the. A girl.

[C]

That's not.

[A]

What. No. What the F. From the deuce, the foe, the B ace. The five are from the dust.

[C]

California deuce, the po. What is that?

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

What's your song?

[A]

I'll be yelling now. Gang, gang. Do you gang bang.

[C]

Also if you say. What's the place up by San Francisco?

[A]

Oakland.

[C]

Oakland? Isn't Oakland supposed to be scary? I don't know, I just. I've just heard that if you say

[A]

you're from Oakland, that would give me fear.

[C]

Yeah. If you say you're from Portland, Maine.

[A]

Nigga, I'm from Portland, Maine. Okay, okay, so I will say the. The. Do you know about the governor of Portland, Maine?

[D]

No.

[A]

Well, she's running for senator.

[B]

Huh.

[C]

What's her name? Sarah Brightman. No, no, that's a girl from Sarah. Delaware.

[A]

The governor of Maine. Her name is Governor Sarah Miller. What are you typing in? No, the governor of Maine, baby. Not Portland, Maine. The governor of Maine not Portland, Maine has a.

[B]

Why do you say Portland? You said Portland, Maine.

[A]

Yeah, but the. Portland doesn't have a governor. Has a mayor.

[B]

Sarah Curran.

[A]

Sarah what?

[C]

Curran.

[A]

Sarah Curran. So Sarah Curran is the one who. Who was like. He was like, well, are you gonna comply with the laws? And she was like, I comply with federal laws. And he goes, we are the federal law. And then he goes, well, you better comply or you're not gonna get any federal funding. And she goes, well, I'll see you in court. And then she has an.

[C]

Who is this man she's talking to?

[D]

Trump.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Okay, got it.

[A]

And then she's like, well, I did see you in court. And then she's like, and I won. Ate his ass up. Now she's running for Senate. This woman is also a thousand years Old. I think she's like 77 years old.

[C]

Oh, God.

[A]

So there's only, like.

[C]

Like there's not only old people running for shit. That woman, she is not 77, is she?

[A]

She's in her late 70s. Huh?

[C]

She looks good.

[A]

And she's running for Senate. That might also be an old picture of her.

[C]

Got it.

[A]

But she did eat Trump's ass, though. Like, she. She gathered him.

[C]

She does not look 77 at all.

[A]

Am I mixing something up?

[B]

Yeah, you might.

[C]

I think you might be. Girl, there's no way that lady's 77.

[A]

Well, I had her name right.

[B]

I mean, I can, but it's not going to give you a good answer.

[A]

Type in anything.

[B]

But I typed it. I typed it in. And it didn't give you an.

[A]

Did it say what year she was born on her computer?

[B]

Well, I don't think this is the right. Sarah Current. I think something is weird. So I'm.

[C]

This is why I'm getting. Okay, I was telling. We were here.

[A]

77 years old.

[C]

Okay, so we were here setting up.

[A]

Wait, wait.

[C]

We'll go back to the. Keep pouring the weird thing. We were jumping all over the place today. Keep porn.

[B]

The weird.

[A]

We are out of control.

[C]

Janet Mills.

[A]

Who the hell is Sarah? Who the fuck is Sarah? And she's running for Senate now, right? Yeah, she's running for Senate. Okay.

[C]

Okay. So the slogan was created with the intention of supporting local businesses and small business owners. It was based on the Keep Austin Weird organization and slogan in Austin, Texas, was brought to Portland in 2003. So Portland was first. Well, Portlanders, as someone who lived Portland, was second.

[A]

So do you want to look at the camera and apologize to someone who lived in Portland? No.

[B]

No.

[A]

Let me apologize to Austin, Texas right now.

[C]

Someone who lives in Portland. Portlanders are under the assumption that it was their slogan first and Austin took it from there.

[B]

I'm not.

[A]

We don't care about that. You claim the side of the Portlandiers. You owe Austin, Texas an apology.

[C]

I will apologize to Austin, Texas when you apologize to the entire state for telling them that they're not from the South.

[A]

You have made pockets.

[C]

They're not. You have made.

[A]

There's a text in here saying they're not from the South.

[C]

Lizzo was texting that. She said that they are.

[A]

Lizzo said they were. And then she buckled under the pressure.

[C]

The pressure of what?

[A]

I don't know what. It was some weird Texas shit.

[C]

Wait, I was saying something else.

[A]

She's not even from Texas. She's from, like, Michigan or Some. Wow.

[C]

Minneapolis.

[A]

Minneapolis. No.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She from the North. Yankee ass. Wow. Yankee doodle dandy ass bitch. And if you wanted to come on the pod. Lizzo, welcome back. We can talk about it.

[C]

Let's take a break.

[A]

You know what? No one ever said that scared me. I'm from South St. Paul.

[C]

Let's take a break. So Lizzo has a chance to respond. You remember what?

[B]

Remember?

[C]

Maybe. Maybe Nene knows this. In New York for a while, the. The. The term wigger used to trend.

[A]

We know. We.

[C]

We.

[A]

We. We know wigger. In the south, we would talk about wiggers. Yeah, you're saying wigga.

[C]

Well, you say wigger.

[A]

No, in the south, they're like wiggers.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, we said with an A.

[A]

But a wigger is. Is. Is. Is not a good thing.

[C]

Well, I think. I think we used to use it as a drug. It was like white dudes.

[A]

Eminem is a wigger.

[C]

Well, we would say Eminem was a wigger. No, but because he was cool with black people. If you were not cool with black people, then I could hear wigger.

[A]

No, I feel like in the south, if you like Paul Wall, is he

[C]

a wigger or wigger?

[A]

Who the fuck is Paul Wall?

[C]

The guy from Clayton County.

[A]

The rapper. Paul Wall,

[C]

the rapper. Him.

[A]

He looks like a wigger. What's the name of the wigger? Bubba Sparks.

[C]

Yeah, Bubba Sparks.

[A]

Kind of a redneck, though. He's kind of like a redneck who's cool with black people. So he's not quite like. Eminem is. Is a prime example of a wigger. Who else is a wigger? Jack Harlow is kind of a wigger.

[C]

Jack Harlow. Oh, my God. Yeah. I can. I tell you, I don't. I do not get the Jack Harlow thing.

[A]

I don't get it either.

[C]

I don't get it.

[A]

It does not speak to me.

[C]

Yeah, I don't get it either. Wigger. Family dental.

[A]

What the fuck? Is that a real. It's probably someone's last name.

[C]

Hey, with the wiggers. Shut up.

[B]

Yeah, Carolyn from Traders Weiger.

[C]

Her name is Carolyn Weger. Screaming her name is Carolyn Weiger. I'm dead. Yeah. I don't get the Jack hall thing. I mean, his verse on Industry Baby is fine, but I don't get, like, how he, like, popped off.

[A]

Pete Davidson is taking away all his tattoos.

[C]

Oh, he's done. Girl, he's done like, a billion sessions of them. He like. He, like, over his tattoos. Do you ever. Are there any tattoos? Do you ever get removed?

[A]

No, probably not. I have some bad Tattoos. But I'm cool with them all, to be honest.

[C]

Yeah, I wouldn't. You know who's littered in tattoos now? Littered?

[A]

Patrick Kennedy. I went to. I was like, kennedy what? Kennedy is a different woman.

[B]

Kennedy.

[A]

I was like, kennedy is covered in tattoos.

[C]

I was like, kennedy, you better work.

[A]

Kennedy's a different woman. I met Kennedy. Kennedy is like, basically my, like, executive assistant. She does like, all my stuff. When I met Kennedy, she was 22, gag. Had, like, bright pink hair, gag. And was working in the hallway at

[C]

the Brick Repertory Theater.

[A]

Closing.

[C]

Is it really?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Bob, do a save the save. Save the. Save the place.

[A]

I think it's beyond saving. Girl, Girl, look what Alaska can you see when they're announcing the closing of it.

[C]

Look at what Alaska Thunderfuck did for Precinct.

[A]

Okay, Precinct is a bar.

[C]

I'm just saying.

[A]

And no shade to what Alaska's done for Precinct. But to run Precinct and to run a Tony Award winning regional theater.

[C]

I don't think Precinct is award winning

[A]

Tony Award winning regional theater. Did they announce the closing?

[B]

No, I don't see it. I need to look a little bit more. Where did you see this?

[C]

Well, you sure was closing.

[A]

Someone told me.

[C]

Did you look it up?

[A]

Not even a little bit.

[C]

Not.

[A]

You just took their word for it?

[B]

I told you.

[A]

I can't remember. Someone's like, you know, they're closing.

[B]

Okay, maybe it's also possible that maybe they haven't publicly announced their closing.

[C]

Okay. Yeah. So we should probably.

[A]

You know what I mean? Maybe it happened. Maybe. What, they gonna sue me if they're closing?

[C]

What they gonna do?

[A]

But anyway, I was there and it was great. And the Berkeley Repertoire Theaters. You know what? Go support the Berkeley Repertory Theater is what I'm trying to say. Go support your regional theaters.

[C]

Girl, you are wild.

[A]

You're like.

[C]

RuPaul's Drag Race is closing the doors.

[A]

Have you heard, girl? Let's predict the last season.

[B]

No, I mean, they have their season already planned out until 2026, so.

[A]

Okay, well, then I made that up. No, I didn't make it up. Someone just told me that.

[C]

Do you want to tell us who? Tell us who so we can go.

[A]

I gen. I genie don't remember. But I want to. But you know what? Because I'm not like you. I want to apologize to the Break Repertory Theater. I'm so sorry for spreading misinformation.

[C]

They're not like us. They're not like us. They're not like us.

[B]

Oh, damn. They are using AI on the website,

[A]

though, with no contingencies what happened?

[B]

This is an AI image on their website, which is kind of wild.

[C]

How you know. How do you know it's AI Looking

[B]

at the embroidery like this. This, like, line here is kind of janky for me.

[A]

It could just be bad craftmanship.

[C]

I'd like to say. Damn, Jacob, are you right?

[B]

Maybe not. Maybe this is just bad Photoshop.

[A]

Both of y' all are just slamming apologies. Y' all are slapping.

[C]

Jacob is like, their ugly, shitty clothes. You're like, they're closing down.

[A]

You still not apologize to.

[C]

And they won't get it.

[B]

This is giving AI.

[A]

Why would you not apologize? Why can't you not just apologize to Austin, Texas?

[C]

Because I won't do it. Because you're here.

[A]

How is that growth? How is that mature?

[C]

I never said it was growth. I never said it was mature.

[A]

How does that sound? You proud of yourself?

[C]

Very.

[A]

I will tell you this. Austin, Texas, I'm sorry that y' all had to endure this. You don't deserve what Monet is doing to you all. And you know what? Y' all are weird. And you were weirdos before anyone important was weird. You weird weirdos, you geeks, dorks. You nerds. They like that stuff in Austin.

[C]

Wait, what's that? What's our topic?

[A]

I used to look at this guy in Austin who was so aggressive.

[C]

I was gonna say ugly. I'll say down. That's crazy.

[A]

No, he was hot. What's his name? What was his name?

[C]

Derek? Sean.

[A]

It was something I don't want to say, but it was like a Hispanic name.

[C]

Juan Jose, baby.

[A]

Maybe. Okay, maybe.

[C]

And why was he so aggressive? How?

[A]

Because, like, he was, like. When I was giving him head, he was, like, trying to. The shape of his dick was not conducive to just going down the throat. And I'm like, baby, if your dick don't go down, you can't be thrusted.

[B]

What kind of shape?

[A]

It was like, curving up a curve up.

[C]

A curve up is the worst.

[B]

Why don't you just go upside down?

[C]

Yeah, why don't you just flip it? Flip it and reverse it. It's your flimmet and beflaniac.

[A]

Okay, first of all, we will get there. Like, you don't start. Who starts? Okay, hear me out. We're laying down to hook up. The first thing I do is lay on the back of the bed with my head up. No, you get there.

[C]

No, I'm not saying that.

[A]

Baby. He's sitting there as. Okay, here's the thing. You do a somersault onto the bed. And lean your head up here. I would do.

[C]

I would see the situation. I'll give a little kiss, a little.

[A]

A little lick.

[C]

Then I'd be like, oh, baby, I got you then. Now I'm calling around and I'm putting. I'm 69ing so now in the first minute. Cause I'm like, I'm not wasting time. Especially if you're an uggo. I want to just get it over with.

[A]

He was an uggo.

[C]

He was an uggo.

[A]

He's very attractive director.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And he's tall. You would love them.

[C]

Really? What?

[A]

Maybe a little. Either an inch shorter and shorter. So between six one and six three.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Big curly hair. Kind of slim, though.

[C]

I like slim. I like some guys.

[A]

You don't like skinny guys? I only like skinny guys that have giant penises.

[C]

What's skinny and what? Slim. What's it like?

[A]

Like you're a size queen. You say you're not.

[C]

What's skinny and what slim? How you define how you. How are you defining skinny and slim?

[A]

Taylor is skinny.

[C]

I looked up with guys like Taylor

[A]

before, but that's because they had a gigantic penis.

[C]

No, that's not true.

[A]

You hooked up with a guy that was skinny as Taylor who had a small penis, and you were like. And I'm turned on.

[C]

I didn't say he was small. He was just a normal.

[A]

A normal, like, average. You're lying. This is like when Monet that one fat guy and then was like, I'm a. I'm a chubby chaser. I'm a fat. Stop saying you. One fat guy, one time was like a fat.

[C]

That's not true.

[A]

Yes, it is true.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And then you came and act like you were a chubby chaser.

[C]

You're not.

[A]

I did not say that. How many fat guys have you fucked? Maybe like two years. I said that I'm a fat fucker. I did not say I was a fat fucker. I said that I fucked up.

[C]

I hooked up with fat guys.

[A]

No, you were like, I fuck fat

[C]

guys, while saying I was recounting a recent experience.

[A]

But then you made it sound like that's your thing. I did not say it was my thing. You were like, fat guys have big dicks. Not all. I did not say that either. Monet F CK One fat guy with one big dick. Monet also thinks all Australians have giant cocks.

[C]

And they do.

[A]

Kane, whip it out. That's the thing. Monet will go somewhere. By the way, if any of you know Monet, you Can vouch what I'm about to say because you know this is true. You will say, I just came back from Minneapolis. Ugh, I love Minneapolis. I had some great trade. Am I lying?

[C]

Monet do that.

[A]

Like, oh, what a great restaurant. Or I had a good show. People like, I went to Sydney. Oh, Sydney. Biggest fattest dick ever had in my ass.

[C]

Okay. Patty and I have been to this.

[A]

You're a sexual twist.

[C]

Patty and I have both been to Australia several times, and we can both vouch that the dicks in Australia are pretty cool.

[D]

Great.

[A]

I mean, thank you. I've hooked up in. I have hooked up in Australia, and honestly, it was a pretty big dick. I. I'm saying. I'm telling you, it was a pretty big dick.

[C]

Patty has a gay theory about this. Patty. She tells a theory.

[A]

It was a. A big dick bottom with a long penis.

[C]

Do you know, I always think about that one from New York that you. That you hooked up with.

[A]

Who? Australia?

[C]

No, I don't know.

[A]

Oh, yeah, we would not talk about that. But, yeah, That's a crazy penis.

[C]

I. Girl, I seen on Twitter, I'm like, that is a crazy dick.

[A]

Crazy.

[C]

And you got to experience it. Irl.

[A]

Biggest penis I've ever. It's huge. Yeah.

[C]

Like, I think that is legit. Probably 10 inches.

[A]

Probably like a.

[C]

Like a real 10 inches.

[A]

So what happened was there was this person who had a really, really big penis, and then we had chatted on, like, on Instagram before, and then it just kind of never worked out. And then I was in New York City doing Madonna, and I went to Instagram, and they had a fucking professional account. I said, maybe I love supporting small businesses, and that is not a small business. I said, I'll support a small business.

[C]

So you booked. So you booked the session.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it was. This penis was insane.

[C]

Yes. It's crazy.

[A]

Absurd.

[C]

It's crazy. That's when you were locked away in Long island for, like, five months. That was crazy. This is where Bob.

[A]

What? It was in Brooklyn, actually, at the time. I was in Brooklyn for a while, too.

[C]

But when you were in Long Island. When you were trapped in Long Island. I'll go on this podcast. He's like, ugh, Monet, I just love walking in parking lots.

[A]

I do. Are you talking about. First of all, that wasn't. That wasn't. That was when I was in Utah. When I told you I love walking in parking lots.

[C]

No, that was when he was. And you. When you would walk around the parking

[A]

lot for the parking lot. Oh, I Love, Joe. I really did love walking in the parking lot. I did. I loved it. I really loved it. I still love walking around in parking lots. Big, empty parking lots. I mean, I do sometimes walk around this parking lot.

[C]

What do you do on your walk?

[A]

I listen to audiobooks, I listen to music, and I set a certain amount of steps. So this is when I was, like, trying to.

[C]

Oh, my God. This is also the era when we would be in fucking Zoom meetings for the fucking makeup thing. And this bitch is on his desk walking.

[A]

So we're trying to have walking on a desk.

[C]

Oh, wait, sorry.

[A]

On a. Not my desk.

[C]

He had a treadmill on the desk.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

So imagine trying to have a serious business meeting. We're talking about spending all this money and Baba just doing this the whole time.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And I was like, you have to stop moving. It was so annoying.

[A]

You're cooking protein chips and we have to take you seriously. Can I give you one critique for your protein chips?

[C]

What?

[A]

Can they be flatter?

[C]

No. Because when they bake, it, like, curves up. Why does it need to be flat? Is every chip in your kettle con thing? That's not how chips always are.

[A]

They're flatter than yours, Are they? Except the Cheetos.

[C]

Right?

[A]

It is. Because they're so dense. They're very dense.

[C]

Oh, well, this was a batch I didn't. So if you don't roll them out really thin, then again, if they're not paper thin, they're going to be too thick. But I'm This. I'm. This is my third time making these. I'm learning every time.

[A]

They were good, though.

[C]

I wanted to season them a little better.

[A]

What do you. What kind of seasoning are you using? I use a ranch. Make Doritos out of them. Cool. Ranch Doritos. I could use some of your ranch, though stuff.

[C]

I don't want ranch flavored chips.

[A]

Can you make some for me?

[C]

What's in it for me? I'm just.

[A]

You just get to give me a gift. I gave you a gift the other day.

[C]

I gave you a gift. I gave you a gift you use every day you're here.

[A]

And I gave you a gift that you were so happy about the other day.

[C]

No, I was happy with it.

[A]

And then I'm playing with it.

[C]

If I was like Monet put it. Taylor can vouch Monet put it away.

[A]

Taylor also told you to put it away.

[C]

No, he did not.

[A]

Yes, he did. Taylor's nodding. Okay, so. So the other day I gave Monet a shuriken because I Just. I was like, oh, my name wants a shuriken. So I went and found one and I bought Monet shuriken. And then Monet is spinning it on her finger.

[C]

It's a fidget spinner.

[A]

It's not. It's a weapon. It is a weapon. Money spinning on her finger. And money at one point does this with it to my face while it's spinning. I felt very uncomfortable. And me and Taylor is crazy. You were brandishing a weapon with reckless abandon.

[B]

And what's your part in this?

[A]

Thank you, jk. I gave you the weapon.

[C]

Thank you, Jacob.

[A]

I gave you the weapon. So then I said, monet, please. Then Mike and I said, I had to say Monet, I am being serious. I am very uncomfortable. Please put the weapon down. And then you did. I'm very grateful for that.

[C]

Did Mone see? Oh, no, I did not see weapons. I heard it's good though. I'm sure everyone's costumes are going to be weapons this week.

[A]

Well, Aunt Gladys, the.

[C]

The. The lady with the old lady or something.

[A]

Can I just say.

[C]

What, you don't like it? No.

[A]

Weapons was great. What's her name is a great Aunt Gladys.

[B]

Amy Madigan.

[A]

I was gonna say Morgan McMichaels.

[B]

Oh, Amy Madigan is the actress who plays Gladys.

[A]

Well, obviously she does a great on Gladys. She is on Glad.

[C]

It's about. I don't know what it's about.

[A]

Weapons is about. Spoiler alert for the movie Weapons, apparently without spoilers. Weapons is about these children who all go missing one day. So, like, everyone wakes up and then all these ring cameras show these kids all just, like, leaving people's home. No one can find these kids. And it's all in this one teacher's classroom.

[C]

So they're like, all the kids are from all the kids 2.

[B]

17 in the morning. 17 kids leave their home and run off into the night and disappear.

[A]

And they're all from this one teacher's classroom.

[C]

Ms. Amy Madigan.

[A]

No, Amy Madigan is

[B]

the bad guy.

[A]

Got it. But the teacher is Julia Garner. Julia Garner is the teacher.

[C]

Julia Garner.

[A]

She's the one from Ozarks.

[C]

Oh, the blonde one.

[A]

Yeah. So Julia Gardner. They're like, where you. What'd you do with our kids? It's you. And then she also has a little bit of a drinking problem. No, she has a massive drinking problem. So they're like, you're drunk. You did something to our kids. And we're gonna figure out what it is. And then from there we meet Aunt Gladys, who we find out Is a witch.

[C]

Are you spoiling it?

[A]

No.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

No. Unglass being a witch is not a spoiler. Now, the rest of the movie is. That's like saying Freddy is a killer. Like, everyone knows Aunt Gladys is.

[C]

I don't know. She was a witch.

[A]

No, she's obviously a witch.

[C]

I don't know that. I've never seen the movie.

[A]

No, but. No, this is not a spoiler.

[B]

I think that's a spoiler.

[A]

That's a pretty no. No. Because you find out, like, halfway through the movie, like, not even halfway. Like, the first third of the movie, you find out on Gladys is a witch. Honestly, this would be like saying Freddie is a killer.

[B]

No, that would be like saying the two boys in Scream are the killer.

[A]

No, no. This would be like saying. No, this would be like saying Freddie can get into your dreams. That's what this would be like.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Saying Freddie can get into your dreams.

[C]

I haven't seen a movie. Everyone else in the room.

[A]

Wait, who's saying it? Do you think what he said was a spoiler? Yeah.

[B]

Know what's going on until, like, the last hour? Yeah.

[C]

It's like you spoiled it for me.

[A]

Well, okay, let's. Let's record a quick spoiler alert. Jay, put this in. Okay, well, what about spoiler? You're cooked.

[C]

What about my spoiler?

[A]

Consider yourself a protein chip, cuz you're cooked. Jay, put this back in earlier real quick. Hey, guys. Spoiler alert for the movie. Weapons, apparently. Don't be mad at us.

[C]

Do you want to apologize to everyone who spoiled the movie?

[A]

Yes, I do. I want to apologize.

[C]

Apologize to me.

[A]

No. Apologize to me under literally no circumstances. Bob, you could.

[C]

You can. If. If you take this, we can build this bridge.

[A]

No. You still owe the entire city of Austin.

[C]

I'm talking about you.

[A]

No. If you give Austin their apology, I'll give you your apology.

[C]

No.

[A]

Well, then. Wow. Do you even know how many people you have just hurt in Austin, Texas?

[C]

The population of Austin, Texas, I'm going to guess, is 1.2 million people.

[A]

1.2. No. Austin, Texas, is easily 3 million people.

[C]

No. Oh, God. We cannot get into pop.

[A]

Oh,

[C]

thank you so much.

[A]

Not even a million.

[C]

992,588.

[A]

I thought it'd be more people. Did you know that Phoenix, Arizona, is the fifth largest city in America?

[C]

Great dicks there. Great dicks in Phoenix.

[A]

I just realized it was just a few dicks, Monet. But they were great. Where's the best hookup you ever had? In my home with my fiance.

[C]

Fuck you, bitch.

[A]

If you don't say that, it's gonna

[C]

be, I tell you, New York City.

[A]

Oh, New York City.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I mean, okay, New York guys are hotter than LA guys.

[C]

I would agree.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

New York guys are hot.

[A]

In la, they're a little more, like, gangly and. And I think that frail New York guys. I like that frail.

[C]

But also, New York guys are not. I feel like guys in la, they're all trying to be, like, cool and try to be like. Like seeing you or New York guys, they're just like, yeah, I'm just here. I'm just like.

[A]

You think it's cold in here right now?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

I'm melting.

[C]

That's why I have my hands under my arm. Cause this is cold.

[A]

I am melting. No, New York guys are. Yeah, I don't. Okay, sorry, what were you saying? No, they're like, trying to be cool. You think?

[C]

No, no, no. Yeah, I think LA guys are trying. They be trying to put on too much. They like, trying to. Like, everyone is like, look, is like an ex is trying to be an actor or this or the. When New York people just are just living.

[A]

I think that what it is for me is that New York guys are individually hot and guys in LA are kind of like all hot in the same. There's like three ways to be hot

[C]

in la, that's what you're saying, and

[A]

everyone's hot in one of those three ways. But in New York City, there's like 56 different ways to be hot. And you'll see someone who's hot in a way that no one's. You've never seen one be hot.

[C]

I agree with that.

[A]

And I. I find that quite attractive.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

New York is a very individualistic town, which is crazy because it's such a group community, but you're such an individual in a massive place.

[C]

Which place do you think. Do you think it's easier to. To feel alone in New York City? See, people say that in la. They say that in LA because everyone is like. So, like. Like spread out and, like, doing their own thing. Like, you can, like, you get in your car and you. Blah, blah, blah. And I said. And I think so too, because in New York, if I'm going from uptown to downtown, I'm gonna meet 50, 200 people.

[A]

No, you walk past 50, 200 people, but you don't meet them.

[C]

But you're still greeting them. You're going. You're going to your bodega, you get on the train saying, you hold it

[A]

off for someone like in LA, subway car with like 150 people and everyone's looking in a different direction.

[C]

This is true. But you're still getting in contact with people. Whereas in la, I leave my house, I get in my car, I drive to the doctor's office, I see maybe

[A]

three people, but I would say you actually interact with them. Like, if you're standing next to someone in line at CVS in la, you will say something.

[C]

Do you? Will you?

[A]

I would. Like.

[C]

What are you. What are you saying you miss, obviously, like.

[A]

Well, first of all, you know me, bitch. I will do a bit. Like, I'm going to do a whole. Oh, I'm going to do a whole thing. Can I address something to some of Yalls comments?

[B]

What?

[A]

This is intentionally wrinkly. It's paper. We can't steam this. This is designed this way. So the comments being like, steam that. Like, we steam our set.

[C]

Yeah. Also like, duh, guys, it's a.

[A]

It's torn paper.

[C]

Yeah. It's supposed to. To mimic our branding for the. For the podcast logo and everything.

[A]

There's some people, like, they didn't even steam their. You don't see the seam.

[C]

Okay, so have you seen. As two bald girlies. Have you seen this new news about this trial for this thing in, I think, Thailand? There's this serum or this injection or something that this doctor developed. It just passed animal testing, and now they're testing on humans. They're seeing success rates. Men who have been like, bald, like, they cannot grow hair in this thing. They're putting this thing in their hair. It's like this injection or something and it's growing. It's like. It's like their hair. They're seeing hair growth come back. So. So you. So you won't need to do the surgery anymore.

[A]

Oh, what. What animals are balding?

[C]

I guess maybe whatever they.

[B]

They. They can genetically replicate disorders like stuff like on animals.

[A]

Maybe Colleen had. Whatever it is not hairless.

[C]

I know. Oh. So I picked up my phone and, you know, everything has AI just built into it now. I just put. I took a picture. Oh, Andy took a picture of Colleen and potato on the thing and he sent it to me. I saved this my phone, and I open it on my phone. And then now Apple has this like, smart feature now where you use AI to tell you what's in the picture. And I click on Colleen and it says, she's a Devon. Right.

[A]

Rex, I don't know what you're.

[C]

This an Apple. It's a feature in Apple now it's just like this. A smart search thing. So they think Colleen is. So Apple thinks Colleen is a Devon Rex.

[B]

I don't think so.

[C]

I don't think so either, but. Well, what.

[A]

Go look at that.

[C]

No, look at that one down, second row to the left. That kind of looks kind of like Colleen a little bit.

[B]

So One of these 10 pictures looks a little bit like.

[A]

And also, can we please clip that picture? Cuz the fans be like, what is Jacob Googling? Maybe we should just screen record Jacob's whole screen so they can drop it in at some point. Because they'd be like, we want to see what Jacob. Him looking up.

[C]

Girl, see you. You give people an angel. Take a mile. Next they be like, you know what? We want to see the whole recording of the episode. We want. We want a BTS camera.

[A]

Girl, you just.

[C]

They can't have everything.

[A]

Damn. When they said y' all can't have nothing, when they said Austin, Texas, and y' all can't have nothing, that's crazy. Why do you hate our fans?

[C]

Also not offering Jacob's whole screen for people just because, you know Jacob's hole.

[A]

Offering Jacob's hole.

[C]

You did it, not me. So you know what you. They will do that. They will scream. They will pause the video and be

[A]

like, ooh, Jacob had this table open

[C]

because Bob is you. You invite that to you into your life if you want to.

[A]

Our life.

[C]

Jacob, are you comfortable with that?

[B]

No.

[A]

Jacob's a low key, private person. Like, low key private? Yeah.

[C]

What is. Okay, what does low key private mean?

[A]

Like, Jacob doesn't mind being, like, on camera from time to time and having his voice there, but he doesn't want to be on camera like us. I was saying that, like, I was talking to Taylor the other day about, like, Tyler. There are. There are people who grow up wanting to be performers. And then some people grew up and they're like, I don't think I want. Like, Taylor grew up wanting to be a performer. He went to school for performance, and then he became an adult and was like, I don't think I want to do this. But he doesn't want to be a performer anymore. And my friend. So my. I went to. I used to do community theater with this guy named Mitch Dean, who Taylor went to college with, who he was roommates with in New York City, who was like, one of the ones. So the ones from my town who, like, broke out and were like. The first big ones were Mila Jam. Mila Jam went on the Rent tour. Look up Mila Jam. She's amazing. She still performs to this day.

[C]

What role does she do on the Rent tour?

[A]

She was Angel, I think so work. I didn't get to go see it because I was. I couldn't afford to. And then she's also in Seussical the Musical. She was the Cat in the Hat and Susie of the Musical. And then Mitch Dean was also on the Rent tour. Then he went to New York City. He did Altar Boys. And we were like, oh, my God. Like, they're like, these are people from my class making it. This is crazy. But then Mitch got. He achieved this thing that we were like, oh my God, this is the thing. Then he was just kind of like, I don't think I want to do this.

[C]

You know, performing is hard. Performing is not an easy life. This. There's so much. There's so much. No, it is. It's. It's. It's annoying and frustrating. It's very defeated. Like, I get a. Sometimes I be like, I should tap out now.

[A]

So, like, I don't know if Jacob's company saying that, but Jacob went to art school, visual arts school. But then Jacob was also. When I met Jacob, he was. He was an actor. But then Jacob was kind of like, I don't think I just. I don't think I'm good on. I mean, I'm low key good on acting.

[B]

It's not that. I think, like my fantasy of being an actor is not like actually where the reality of being an actor is like, if I could be an actor and like be in really good stuff all the time, that would be great. But like, when I was auditioning and doing stuff, I was like, oh, so I'm in like a bunch of like, for every like one good interesting thing you do, you have to do 10 kind of like shitty spin off gigs, but like, with bad scripts that. Cause that's how you like build up your acting and like, that's reality of acting that I was like, oh, you know what? I like other things better than starring in like D movies.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did get to see Jacob in a great immersive play though.

[B]

Like, no Shade was it. Those look really good.

[C]

Like sleep no more.

[A]

I thought you were great.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

In the show. Well, I saw Jacob in the show that I thought he did a really good job in.

[C]

Do you want to fucking suck each other's dicks later or you want to do it now?

[A]

We do.

[C]

Okay. So do you want to do it now still?

[A]

Yeah. In fact, keep the cameras rolling. I can't whip it out. I can't get in this Australia.

[C]

Goodbye everyone.

[D]

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