The One About Apples vs Oranges

Summary

Podcast Summary: Sibling Rivalry

Episode: The One About Apples vs Oranges

Date: October 28, 2024
Hosts: Bob the Drag Queen & Monét X Change

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Episode Overview

This episode is a classic, freewheeling mix of sibling-style bickering, pop culture debates, and personal confessions. Bob and Monét riff on everything from celebrity beef and gay bar etiquette to the eternal debate: are apples or oranges the superior fruit? Along the way, they share memories from their tours, talk about queer experiences, and deliver plenty of quotable moments with their signature blend of shade, love, and hilarious asides.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Megan Thee Stallion’s “Bobblehead” Allegiance (01:26–03:01)

• Running Joke: Megan Thee Stallion "officially" joins the ranks of bobbleheads, which Bob claims as a victory for his crew.
• Lyric Showdown: Bob and Monét spar over who knows more Megan Thee Stallion lyrics, rapidly quoting "Savage."
  • Quote:
    • Bob: "You think you know more Megan lyrics than me? Probably. Fuck being good. I’m a bad bitch." (02:33)
    • Monét: "A hundred motherfuckers trying to tell me something." (02:39)
    • Bob: "No, see you—I’m sick of motherfuckers trying to tell me how to live…" (02:41)

Sneak Disses in Rap & Celebrity Drama (03:01–04:57)

• Monét brings up the recurring public beefs in female rap, notably Megan vs Nicki Minaj.
• Conversation pivots to surprising music lyrics, with Bob referencing Nicki’s "MJ Doc today killing me."
• Discussion on Michael Jackson and Joan Rivers' Deaths: They share shock at learning Michael Jackson’s cause of death was homicide, contrasting it with Joan Rivers' routine surgery complications.

Medical Anxiety: Going Under as a Black Experience (06:41–07:42)

• Monét talks about anesthesia and surgery fears versus everyday risks like car accidents.
• Bob says for him it's comparable: "If I’m not afraid to get in my car…I have to do it every day, so I'm not like, oh my God." (07:11)

Interacting with Strangers: Hiding Lips and Elevator Etiquette (07:49–12:11)

• Elevator Social Cues: Bob questions, “Do you hide your lips from Black people? And do White people hide their lips from you?” drawing Jacob (their producer) into the conversation.
  • This leads to impersonations of white people’s tight-lipped smiles, nods, and how Black folks usually interact (“a very slight nod,” “not that pleasant”).
• Quote:
  • Bob: "I don’t feel the need to be pleasant to people out of nowhere, honestly, to strangers." (11:44)

Podcast Live Show Audiences & Dungeons and Drag Queens Popularity (13:41–15:35)

• Bob reveals more fans know him from “Dungeons and Drag Queens” than “Sibling Rivalry”—reflecting the broadening reach of their drag personas.

Merch Drama, Touring, and Working Gigs (15:52–22:56)

• Monét and Bob talk about merch envy (tour sweatshirts!), working on the road, and how gig schedules can lead to missing major events like the premiere of “Wicked.”
• Quote:
  • Monét: "It is crazy to me how so many of y’all found out about me or know me or care about me because of Dungeons and Drag Queens…it’s wild out here." (14:14)

Secrets and Superpowers: Lying to Partners and Playing Pranks (43:43–48:37)

• Monét describes tricking his partner Andy into believing he could "bend time," leading Bob to act as a would-be co-conspirator.
• They riff on TikTok trends where people prank friends about “forgetting” they are gay.

Apples vs Oranges: The Great Fruit Debate (54:25–59:00)

Core theme; show’s title segment

• Bob and Monét have a playful, escalating argument about which fruit reigns supreme.
  • Bob positions oranges as “juicy,” “worth working for,” and more delicious.
  • Monét claims apples are “nutritious," cleansers, essential daily staples.
• Quote:
  • Bob: “That’s the thing about…[oranges]. Over at the bobbleheads, we work for our food…You have to work for the love of an orange. You have to get your hands in the dirt. Y’all are too scared to work over there at the monation." (55:56)
  • Monét: “Just like the fucking acid in the oranges, y’all niggas are fucking corrosive. Y’all are fucking toxic…whereas apples, we are nutritious. We give you fiber." (56:16)
• Bob shares a messy (possibly criminal) way to cut and eat an orange for maximum juiciness.
• They compare imagery from childhood of “apples with worms” and debate the truth behind it.

Glasses and Aging (59:29–60:35)

• Bob insists Monét (like everyone) will end up needing glasses; Monét protests, saying her grandmother still has 20/20 vision at 79.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Monét (on elevator interactions): "I'm not hiding [my lips], though, bitch, I can't hide them." (10:48)
• Bob (on approaching people at the club): "I don’t really approach people…I think it’s a little bit of rejection." (33:39–34:47)
• On Apple vs. Orange Allegiances:
  • Monét: "I can't live without having an apple every day." (55:44)
  • Bob: "My love for oranges is stronger than your love for apples." (55:40)

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Fun Tangents & Mini-Segments

Comparing Artists by Monthly Spotify Listeners (39:36–41:07)

• Bob quizzes everyone: Who has more listeners—Lana Del Rey or Bruno Mars? (Mars, by a landslide.)
• SZA’s "devilish" 66.6 million monthly listeners gets a big laugh.

Queer Culture Bits & References

• Bob and Monét larp a scenario of gays in elevators.
• Riff on gay vs straight activities—parades, go-karts ("bumper cars are gay, go-karts are straight." (51:54))
• Monét: "I'm so happy I'm not fucking straight." (50:43)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Megan Thee Stallion bits: 01:26–03:01
• Celebrity beef, Michael Jackson, and Joan Rivers: 03:01–06:09
• Anesthesia and surgery fears: 06:41–07:42
• The “hiding lips” elevator discussion: 07:49–12:11
• Dungeons & Drag Queens/Podcast Audience: 13:41–15:35
• Tour merch and event schedules: 15:52–22:56
• Prank on Andy about superpowers: 43:43–48:37
• Apple vs Orange debate: 54:25–59:00
• Glasses & aging: 59:29–60:35

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Conclusion

This episode is a great snapshot of Bob and Monét’s chemistry: witty, heartfelt, chaotic, and generously queer. The apples vs oranges debate frames their dynamic—a true sibling rivalry where each host is fiercely loyal to their “side,” but the loving banter never overshadows their joy in each other’s company. The episode also offers moments of real talk about queer identity, fame, relationships, and the realities of touring, along with plenty of pop culture nerdiness and improv energy.

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Ending Exchange:

• Bob: "I love you, Mo. I love you so much." (61:00)
• Monét: "I love you too, my little angel." (61:11)

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[B]

My name is Bob the Drag Queen.

[C]

And I'm Monashchange.

[B]

And this is sibling rivalry. On this week's episode, we find out that Megan thee stallion is a bobblehead.

[C]

We discover Jacob has superpowers.

[B]

And we find out what made Monet say this.

[C]

Bitch, I was not straight. And we found out what made Bob say this.

[B]

I don't feel the need to be pleasant to people out of nowhere. But, Nate, how do you feel knowing that Megan thee stallion has officially come out as a bobblehead?

[C]

You know, I'm happy for you guys. You guys needed a win, and you got it.

[B]

Yeah. We find finally the bobbleheads have a win. We've been having a really rough year. Finally, not a lot's been going on for me. I haven't really been doing anything at all for the past probably two years now.

[C]

You guys needed it. Do you feel validated by Megan?

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[C]

We love that.

[B]

You know, I've been a hottie for a minute, so now it's nice to know that we have offered each other citizenship in each other's nations when it happens.

[C]

She's offered you citizenship? I don't think that's what she's done.

[B]

No, for sure. Trust me, I don't think so. More than she offered you. You don't even have a. You don't even have a visa?

[C]

I don't think so. I don't want one.

[B]

You don't even have a visa. You don't want a visa to go to hottie land?

[C]

No. Cause I've been already, and I'm a hottie. I have. I know more about your Songs than you.

[B]

It started, it sounded like you were happy for me, and now it sounds like you're jealous.

[C]

I don't think so.

[B]

See, at first you were like, oh, I'm happy. But now it's starting to sound like you're kind of jealous.

[C]

So it's kind of weird.

[B]

You think you know more Megan lyrics than me?

[C]

Say it again.

[B]

You think you know more Megan lyrics than me? Probably. Fuck being good. I'm a bad bitch.

[C]

A hundred motherfuckers trying to tell me something.

[B]

No, see you. I'm sick of motherfuckers trying to tell me how to live. Whack hoes handed to my pictures on the gram. Bitch, you better hope I never run across your man in the mall with him. I'mma have a ball with him. Somebody call Rihanna. I'mma.

[C]

I'mma have a bar with him.

[B]

Buy some draws with him. Cause Rihanna sells.

[D]

Draws.

[C]

Her new video for what's the name of it? Bigger in Texas. Not even the video. I think Megan thee Stallion is such a great lyricist, and I know sometimes she gets hate for, like. But I can't even. It'd just be the barbs. It'd just be the barbs hating on Megan. Cause the infinite beef between Megan and Nicki. And every anytime Megan makes a lyric about somebody. Oh, I see, I see. I see she's trying to slide at Nikki. I'm like, is she? Or she's just writing a fucking song.

[B]

I mean, it's not unusual to do a sneak diss. It's pretty common to people to do sneak disses. But I mean, but sometimes maybe it

[C]

seems innocuous to me. Like, to me, maybe. I just don't know. I'm not deep in it. I'm like, oh, yeah, I see. I'm like, it's not as you're just talking about a lady in a thing. Like, I don't. I don't always be seeing the sneaking, the sneaky beaky.

[B]

Every once in a while there'll be a lyric. I'd be like, oh, rappers be saying stuff that'd be crazy. Like, when Nicki came out, was like. Like, MJ Doc today killing me.

[C]

I was like, jesus, someone just told me about that. Was it you? Oh, no, it was in a meeting yesterday. No, I had a managing dinner the other night. I did not know that Michael. I knew that Michael. I knew Michael Jackson's doctor was the cause of his death because they were giving him.

[B]

It was a murder.

[C]

But I thought that. I thought the doctor was just giving him like. Like Was giving him like Ambien or something. I didn't realize the doctor was. Michael Jackson was being put under to sleep every night. That's wild.

[B]

If you look up Michael Jackson's cause of death, it is homicide.

[C]

That's why I did not. I mean, again, I knew the doctor killed him. I thought the doctor just writing him prescriptions for like too many negligence. They were putting him like under like to like to get surgery to sleep.

[B]

Yeah. By the way, not like just he killed him like an accident. It's not like Michael Jackson was murdered. Oh, like, oh, a little malpractice here and there. Full on murder.

[C]

Okay. So they had the trial and he was. The doctor was found guilty of homicide.

[B]

Homicide.

[C]

But like, was it homicide? Like I'm going to put him under forever or like I pre meditate.

[B]

I'm pretty, I'm not 100% sure, but I'm pretty sure homicide, like murder is, you need, it needs to be premeditated. That's the difference between manslaughter and like, if I.

[C]

Here's my question with this premeditation, is it because like you're a doctor knowing putting someone under, like they cannot come back from it or is like, again, we, we can get in the, in the mind's mind just, just talking with you back and forth. Or do you think it was like, oh, I'm gonna put this under so I can steal his money or like I'm doing this every night and I know he might not wake up, so he's, he might die. But I'm getting so much money I'm doing it anyway.

[B]

I, I mean, I don't know why the doctor did it obviously. And I don't know if the doctor was like this time or you really won't wake up or who literally, who knows? I. Someone knows.

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

The doctor knows he's still alive, he's still in jail. But that is really wild to me.

[C]

Yeah, I didn't, I did. I didn't realize, I didn't realize that I was like, oh, that's where I

[B]

think that like if you look up the cause of Joan Rivers death, it's not homicide. That' I don't know what it's like.

[C]

Was it just a routine surgery she was getting? Not a routine, but a surgery she

[B]

was getting her vocal cords. Her, her vocal cords worked on.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[B]

What I understand. Yeah.

[C]

Wow, that's wild. Surgery. I'm like when you go, say again.

[B]

But it was with, at the doctors, but it wasn't considered homicide.

[C]

Though we're talking about surgeon. We were saying, like, I mean, we.

[B]

Brain damage caused by a lack of

[C]

oxygen for Michael Jackson or Joan Rivers.

[B]

Joan Rivers, yeah.

[C]

Cause they say that that's kind of like the risk. Not the riskiest part, but it can be one of the riskiest parts of surgeries. When you go under. I personally, the going under part, which I live like, again, it's not something I want to pay someone to do for me, but, like, if I have to get a surgery, I'm not someone like, oh, my God, I'm so afraid to go under. Even though obviously you can die. But, I mean, I don't know the statistics on it, but I'm pretty sure more people probably die from car crashes than going under in surgery. Like, some people die from car. So if I'm not. Huh?

[B]

Yeah, maybe.

[C]

So if I'm not afraid to get in my car, which I'm not afraid to get in my car, I have. We. I have to do it every day. So I'm not like, oh, my God. But for some people, like Kamika. Kamika was in a really bad car accident. She's, like, terrified of cars. Now I can imagine living in a space where I'm like, terrified to get in something or do something I have to do every day that would like, fuck. That would fudgeing freak me out. But going under for surgery, bitch. When they're like. They like, talk to me like, hey, so tell me you're from Brooklyn. I'm like, yeah, I'm from Brooklyn. Cause, you know, I. And then you wake up in my mind, it's five minutes later, I'm like, what happened?

[B]

No, it's been quite. Also, I would do. Jacob, I would like you to hop on the mic for a second. Cause I have a really important question.

[C]

Okay, here we go.

[B]

Do you hide your lips from black people? And do white people hide their lips from you? I need to know. Because white people hide their lips. What is it something they only do to black people? Or is it something they do to other white people too?

[C]

How do they hide their lips?

[B]

They go like.

[C]

The Jacobus. Jacob, can you go on camera for a second? Do we want to put that. I wanna see.

[B]

I'm not camera ready.

[C]

Bitch. I just saw you two seconds ago. Not for the camera, it's for us.

[B]

You're so cute.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Jacob has Jacob's nice lips. Jacob doesn't have them skinny. See? No, girl. Some people sometimes.

[B]

Can you hide your lips for a second, Jacob?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I've never seen you do It. You don't do it, do you, Jacob? You don't go either. What'd you say, Jacob?

[D]

I have nothing to hide.

[B]

No, but the thing. Do white people do it to you, or do white people only do it to black people?

[C]

I don't think they're hiding it. I think white people just has paper thin lips sometimes.

[B]

No, the thing. When you see them randomly, people you don't know, they got. You get all the elevator. They get on, they go.

[C]

I have seen this. I think it's hard for us to hide our lips. Imagine for us to do it, it is effort. For them, it's just a little like. For us, it's like.

[B]

But I can. Look, I'm doing the thing. But what I'm saying is, like, it's a thing that even if you don't hide them, I don't see black people going, like, that's not a thing. Like, black people. I've seen black people do this, and I've seen black people do this. You'll nod your head up or you'll nod your head down, maybe even to the side, but I've never seen a black person randomly in the streets look at me and go, okay.

[D]

I think there are two things happening. I think, like, there's like a friendly, like, acknowledgement smile that's not really a smile that white people do. Part two, white people tend to just have tiny lips. So when they do that smile, it looks like they're hiding. They have something to hide. But I don't think it's purposely being like, we gotta hide our lips.

[B]

But do. But do white people do it to other white people? Is the question I'm asking.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. How you know, Monet, you ain't white.

[D]

I do my version of that is being like,

[C]

wait, what is the.

[B]

Jacob.

[D]

Sorry, sorry. If something Elviator. I'll be like,

[B]

wait, can we put this in just for the Patreons?

[C]

All right.

[B]

A Patreon exclusive. If you want to see the face Jacob makes, this is only on the Patreon. Jacob's white person to white person. Face it to everybody.

[D]

Just to be clear.

[B]

Do what? Oh, everybody. Okay, thank you, Jacob. Monet, do you nod up or do you nod down?

[C]

I do this sometimes. If I'm in an elevator in, let's say I'm going to the doctor's office and I'm getting elevator, and someone's coming in the elevator and they say, hi, and I don't know how I go, what do you do? I do the.

[B]

Oh, you hide your lips too I'm

[C]

not hiding them, though, bitch. I can't hide them. This is what I do. I walk in, they come in.

[B]

If I can hide my lips, you can hide your lips.

[C]

That's it. I think I have bigger lips than you like, bitch. Imagine Keeja Carr trying to hide her lips.

[B]

You can't do this. Monetary.

[C]

That. That takes so much. This is me trying to do it. I think that's it. That takes for me to go. This is my version of that.

[B]

This is what I do. If you get over and I want to talk to you, I do this. I do this. Ready? I nod. I do a slight nod. I look back down, a very, very slight nod. I go.

[C]

It is not that pleasant. I've seen you when someone interacts you. It was the first one. The second time you try to. So what's her name? Sabrina Carpenter. Sweetener It. No, it was the first one.

[B]

I don't feel the need to be pleasant to people out of nowhere, honestly, to strangers. I don't feel the need to be like, I'm not like you. I'm just, like, looking at you. And then I look back at my phone. I don't give you a dirty look. My look certainly doesn't change. My look stays the same the whole time.

[C]

Be like, yeah, it's that one. But before that you did a little.

[B]

I don't do the. I don't do. The

[C]

first and third one was super accurate. I've seen that bobbing in a crowded elevator before.

[B]

Yeah, I don't feel the need to offer pleasantness to people for a five second interaction. Yeah, there are times that I feel the need to offer homosexuality to women if we're in the elevator by ourselves. Mm.

[C]

I've been.

[B]

Can you give me an example of

[D]

what that would be?

[C]

I feel that if Monet's a woman

[D]

in an elevator, what would you.

[C]

Okay. It depends on how tiny I'm getting the elevator.

[B]

And I'd be like, ooh, what floor?

[C]

Don't look up at that with your gay ass. Seven.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[C]

Fucking faggot ass niggas always trying to hit on me.

[B]

Stank ass bitch. Stank.

[C]

I'm sorry, what?

[B]

Stank breath ass bitch. Your breath stank. You say you want. Oh, you want to go to 7, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. This is my stop. Have fun getting off the Now. I grab this by her ponytail.

[C]

Just let go, Let go of my hair. Let go of my hair.

[B]

And I push her off on the third floor. Monet, we just larped.

[C]

We did larp.

[B]

Wait, can we just larped.

[C]

Wait, what is. What's. What's. What's a podcast version? We pard.

[B]

Yeah. Podcast. Action. Role play.

[C]

No, for. I want.

[B]

Real quick. You need to start doing this at your shows. It's going to gag you.

[C]

Here we go.

[B]

It's going to gag you at my shows. I always say, how many of you found out about me through social. I want to find out how people know about me.

[C]

Dungeons and Drag Queens.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

How many of you found out about me through social media? A few claps. How about. We're here. A few claps. Sibling rivalry. A lot of claps. Dungeons and Drag Queens, girl. It is second to Drag Race. Drag Race, Girl.

[C]

It's crazy. I was. I was saying this the other day when I was. What was I. Recently, I did a comedy run of comedy clubs. I don't fucking know. Somewhere, like last weekend. Oh, my God, my brain. The ginkgo don't work any, by the way. Anyway. And I said dungeons. I've been doing it. I was saying, y', all. It is crazy to me how so many of y' all found out about me or know me or care about me because of Dungeons and Drag Queens. It's wild out here. Here. It's wild out here. They sold out Madison Square Garden in 24 hours.

[B]

I know.

[D]

I think that.

[B]

That more people know about me through Dungeons and Drag Queens than through sibling rivalry, which is insane.

[C]

Yeah, it's wild.

[B]

Insane. But anyways, this is wild. What'd you say? Oh, Season two of Dungeons and Drag Queens is coming out.

[C]

I'm out.

[B]

Roll back.

[C]

Can you sit back for a second? I want a motherfucking tour sweatshirt.

[B]

Why didn't you go to the merch table?

[C]

I didn't know y' all had sweatshirts.

[B]

Well, it's a hoodie.

[C]

Can I see the back, please?

[B]

I'm not wearing pants, so I gotta be careful.

[C]

No pants or panties. I want a sweatshirt, and you need to. Oh, my God. I'm trying.

[B]

And the sleeve.

[C]

That's so cute.

[B]

Andy didn't tell you?

[C]

No, he didn't tell me. His little raggedy fucking. Fucking personal training ass.

[B]

Andy has one, I'm sure. Oh, Andy.

[C]

I'm sure. And he got a few.

[B]

I was telling the other day, Andy does.

[C]

Andy.

[B]

Will does not mind putting you out. Andy is like. We go to the gym. Hold on one sec. Sorry, I had to slightly shift. Bob.

[C]

Will, let's take a break. Let's take a break. Let's take a break.

[B]

Okay.

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[C]

Yeah, we will be in the middle of podcast. Bob will shift. Bob will be like, okay, give me one second and just start streaming from the bathroom, nigga. You will change your whole setup.

[B]

I wanted to lean. I was sitting diagonally and I want to lean back on this couch.

[C]

Now lean back.

[B]

So every once in a while, the, the hotel will give you like a little care package. Mm. This time I'm in Detroit, Michigan, and I got Berry Gordy's To Be Loved.

[C]

Oh, wow, that's so cool.

[B]

The music, the magic, the memories of Motown, an autobiography generously donated by the Motown Museum. Barry Gordy's to be Loved. But I will say this, this is a great book. I'm sure I haven't read it yet, but it's no Harriet Tubman Live in Concert, which is available for pre sale right [e-mail] My first novel that I've written is a fiction piece I'm very, very proud of. You can go to readthedragqueen.com right now to pick up my novel and you

[C]

can see me on tour. Life be life thing. These are the. Y'.

[D]

All.

[C]

These are the final dates of the show. I rescheduled them for May and January is already, already popping. They're. I think they officially go on sale by the time you. By the time you watch them, they're on sale and a lot of the cities are already half sold already. So run, run, run. Get these tickets and look out for a special LA date where we will be taping the show. That's not listed yet, but yeah. So go to monetexchange.com to get tickets to see me do my Wonder Woman show, which I am so fucking proud of this show. It's one of the things I am really most proud of. I worked really hard on the show. It's a beautiful show, even from the time my friends here saw it in la. The show is completely different now, and it's probably something I'm the most proud of. And see me do it in yo city. I'm going. Coming to.

[B]

When are you doing it in la?

[C]

I don't know the date yet. We're figuring out for recording, but will I be there? I don't know. Ask Kennedy.

[B]

Kennedy's doing your days.

[C]

No, but doesn't. I don't. Monet, I don't have the scheduling. I don't know scheduling. So tell Kennedy to schedule it.

[B]

Yeah, I'm asking about if you. I don't know when you're doing.

[C]

I don't know. I still have.

[B]

I know where I'm gonna be.

[C]

I don't know what we're doing.

[B]

Oh, there we go.

[C]

Wait, we gotta derail. We're talking about something else.

[B]

Andy.

[C]

Oh, yes. Right.

[B]

So we walk into this gymnasium and Andy carries this pink bike everywhere. This fucking pink bike.

[C]

And Andy will be like, the little collapsible one.

[B]

Yeah. And Andy will look at the people and be like, can I put this behind the desk? The desk is small. It's nothing back there but the desk attendant and the fucking. Yeah. And the backpack. And they'd be like, I'll just put it right there. It's okay. That is so crazy to me, girl.

[C]

But that's how white people move through the world. White people move through the world.

[B]

Like, some white people. Some white folks be apologizing for existing. Sorry. For. Sorry. I'm dating a Sorry. It's okay.

[D]

Well, here's the thing. Andy was also straight for, like, much longer than I was, so he was also. I think he.

[C]

Wait, Jacob, you were straight? Who the fuck were you fooling?

[B]

Everybody.

[C]

Jacob.

[B]

Wait. Tyler. Everybody come back on camera. Jacob. Jacob.

[D]

Jacob.

[B]

Had everybody gathered. Jacob, everybody.

[C]

Wait, Jacob, you were. Wait, when were you straight?

[D]

No, no, I mean, like, I was never, like, straight straight.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[D]

Andy was like. That's what I'm saying. Andy was, like, straight. Like, Andy was out in these streets, street straight.

[B]

But in elementary school, they thought Jacob was straight.

[D]

I don't think anyone ever thought I was straight. I. I guess, like, in middle school I was technically pretending, but, like, I was never, like, out here dating Women.

[C]

Got it, got it, got it.

[B]

I was like.

[C]

I thought Jacob was about to drop a bomb. Like, all through his 20s, he was straight. And. And he. And he was engaged to a woman. And I was about to be gagged.

[B]

You met Jacob in his 20s? What do you mean, all through his 20s?

[C]

Oh, yeah. Well, early 20s. Back when Jake was out. Was. Was. Was out in these streets, busting wide

[B]

open with the ladies.

[C]

Well, that's something else I was going to tell you. Bob, you made me forget. I was going to tell you.

[B]

The ginkgo is cooking.

[C]

It does not work. No, behind the desk. It was before Andy. It's something before that.

[B]

It's gone, Monet. Don't worry about it. It's gone.

[C]

It's gone, girl.

[D]

The tour sweatshirt.

[C]

No, I do want to. Let me text. I just remember to text Alessa so she gets in my shirt.

[B]

No, just come to the LA show and get one.

[C]

I'm not gonna be here, girl.

[B]

Where you gonna be?

[C]

I'm gonna be working.

[B]

Working where?

[C]

In Denver, which I have to say, I am.

[B]

Show me a flyer.

[C]

I am so grateful to working with the Denver with Colorado Opera. I'm gonna be there, y' all, performing. I'm doing six shows. I'm doing the regiment.

[B]

Oh, send a flyer.

[C]

But some other things have come up in lieu of that, and I can't do them. It's breaking my heart that I'm so grateful to be there for Colorado Opera.

[B]

You can't do the Denver Colorado show now.

[C]

No, I am doing. I am doing Colorado. I'm there for the whole run, but some other.

[B]

So what came up that you can't do?

[C]

I'm going to say, but you'll have to bleep it. You'll have to bleep it gagged, but it is what it is.

[B]

Fully not bleeped.

[C]

It better be.

[B]

What you going to do if it's not? What you going to do if it's not?

[C]

It will be.

[B]

But what would you do if it's not?

[C]

It has to be beef for Patreon and the world. And also this for Patreon and the world. The Wicked premiere. I'm so upset I can't go.

[B]

But what will you do if it's not, though?

[C]

It will be. I. I don't have to fathom a world because Amelia and Jay listen, and so are we going?

[D]

Bob, what's happening?

[B]

What are we going? We're going.

[D]

We're going. Did you respond to the email?

[B]

No, but we're going, though. You can respond. You can Respond for me. We're going.

[C]

I'm so mad. I'm so mad. Don't even. Let's. Let's move on. Let's please move on. Because I'm so. I'm so upset.

[B]

You know who's going to be there.

[C]

Don't. Don't just fucking move on.

[B]

You know who gonna be there?

[C]

Just. No, the.

[B]

The.

[C]

That is something else.

[B]

I know I was a bit. When I was a bit.

[C]

But she might be, though. Anyway, Bob. Bob. Anyway, I'll tell you afterwards. Sorry, I'm getting.

[B]

Anyway, so I'm here in Motor City. Not Motor City. Detroit city.

[C]

Detroit is a Motor City. Yes.

[B]

Yeah, I'm here in Motor City, which is the home of Motown.

[C]

Okay. The screams are weird. You are like this. I'm up here. How is it looking, Jacob?

[B]

Well, then scoop down.

[C]

No, I can't scoot down. It's sitting in the office chair.

[B]

It doesn't have a collapsible button on the bottom.

[C]

No, it doesn't. I got this.

[B]

Every officer has a collapsible button.

[C]

No, I got this shit from Amazon and she don't. She's one level.

[B]

That's not true. It is,

[C]

but that's as far down as it goes.

[B]

Well, then, bitch, sit on your little yellow chair. I'm comfortable.

[C]

Nigga, if you don't sit your ass. If you are lounging. We're at work. Just like.

[B]

Just like. Just like.

[C]

You don't like me drinking at work. Nigga, you can't be slouching in your chair like you. Like you jerking off on a dad's.

[B]

Yeah, I don't like you drinking alcohol on the podcast. That's not the same as someone leaning back and getting comfortable.

[C]

Yes, it is. That's how I get. That's how I lean back and get comfortable.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Sipping that lean.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

I never had lean. I would. I don't think I.

[B]

Hey, guys. Now, I know last week we didn't have it, but I want to say this is. Is the picture of me and Monet at the Boston show.

[C]

This

[D]

is it.

[C]

Jacob said no pictures for you.

[B]

No, this really is. This one is for real. For real. That's it. Hold on. Let me get my phone and make

[C]

sure we can get it up. And hold on.

[D]

You never sent it to the group chat, the media chat?

[B]

I know. I forgot that I said it. And that's why you have to send. We have to send our pictures during the episode because our turnaround is actually pretty quick on these episodes, so sometimes we be trying to bang them out. But that is the picture. And there it is. And it's one of my favorite pictures of us. Mo.

[C]

Is it?

[B]

Yeah. We look so cute. And Monet gagged when she realized that. I carry a photo of her everywhere I go. Monet was really shook by that.

[D]

Which I.

[C]

By the way, that's very sweet.

[B]

Which, by the way, I've told Monet this several times. I told Monet this.

[C]

I don't have the oculapura. You know me. You know me, Bob. I'm a stickler for ocular proof. When I get ocular proof, it really makes me come.

[B]

But I took. I carry a picture of me and Monet in drag in our little.

[C]

Not little. Not little. Stop. Call us of little.

[B]

In our little pajama outfits. Black from the. From the what? What is what?

[C]

The chokehold the word little has on the black community is terrible. Oh, my God.

[B]

Little.

[D]

Okay, but inversely, if he had said in our big pajama outfits, that would have been worse.

[C]

No, we don't need an adjective. Just say the thing.

[B]

It's the hand with Lil.

[C]

Lil.

[B]

Put your.

[C]

Lil.

[B]

You know who I had a lot of fun with?

[C]

Who?

[B]

Robin Fierce.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Andy's sending me videos of y' all at karaoke. I said, let me know if you got a new best friend because Robin was so fun.

[B]

Robin's a great singer, first of all. A really great singer. And I do have a video that maybe I will post on the Patreon as a Patreon exclusive. Once I. Once episode comes out, it is of me, Robin Fierce, Rob Bryant, and Angel performing Lose My Breath as the original Destiny Child. Even though they were not all. Even though that only had three members of Dense Shot. It wasn't. It was the new and not the original. And then we do choreography at karaoke. And Robin was Beyonce.

[C]

I allowed it.

[B]

I was Kelly, angel was Latavia was Michelle, and Rob was Latavia.

[C]

What about Latoya?

[B]

We didn't have enough people.

[C]

Damn. And Latoya's the one you cut. I'm torn. I'm torn in between the two. Cause I really wanna be with you.

[B]

Team Latav.

[C]

Speaking of coming earlier was I. I heard. I heard a rumor, which, by the way, Jacob, did you. I'm sorry, not Jacob. Why did I call you Jacob? Did you see or do you watch Umbrella Academy Bomb?

[B]

No, I've seen a large chunk of the first season. I do.

[C]

Yeah. The. The fifth season was trash anyway.

[D]

Fifth?

[B]

They're on five.

[D]

Yeah, five is the last one, but it was Not. I thought. I thought it was four.

[C]

Oh, four. Yeah, it's terrible.

[D]

It was not.

[C]

And I love the woman who plays number four. Emmy. It's not number three, anyway.

[B]

Yeah, Allison.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

What's her name? Oh, my God. She was in Hamilton. She was so good in Hamilton.

[C]

Allison Mossy. Why do I know that? There.

[B]

You remember her. You knew Allison Mossy.

[D]

Allison Mossy is the name that somebody used to catfish people.

[B]

You around Alexa Mossy?

[C]

Nigga, you said, I know. I do not know no more. I never do. We never met. We never corresponded. I don't know.

[B]

Alex R. She offered you a role in the TV show one time. What is this? When are you gonna tell me that you were on Everybody, Hayes Cris, you be gatekeeping.

[C]

Tell you, bitch. I probably posted it. Tell you what, do I owe you a special text or a call that I was on?

[B]

You should have told me before you told the world.

[C]

Do you tell me everything you do before you tell the world?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

No, you don't.

[B]

You knew I was doing Madonna. Oh, so you found out I was doing Madonna the same day the world did.

[C]

1. Give me something else. You didn't tell me before you found

[B]

out about we're here. The same way the world found out about we're here.

[C]

What about Rough Night? Did you tell me before that? No, I just found out when everyone else found out.

[D]

Yes, you did.

[B]

I asked you if I could borrow a costume for it, and you lent me one.

[C]

Bob. In very, very bob fashion. You did not tell me what it was for. You're like, yes, I did. No, you were like, monet, I need to borrow this outfit. I was like, Monet. Just Monet. Can I borrow the outfit or not? It was one of those.

[B]

Not true. Also the movie, and I told you about it when we filmed the movie. It was under a working title. It wasn't called Rough Night. It was called something else. I can't remember the name of it.

[C]

Ooh, Spill on the tea. Inside Tea.

[B]

I mean, I don't remember the name of it. I mean, if I go through my Google Drive, I can probably find it because all of my. I actually save almost every audition I do for the.

[C]

Like, the sides. Yeah.

[B]

Anytime I film an audition, I have them all still on my Google Drive.

[C]

Oh, my gosh. You should post those on the Patreon. I mean, I'm embarrassing.

[B]

I didn't get most of the roles, so I don't want to post my failures.

[C]

Why? I mean, but, like, y'. All for auditioning stuff. You. They see so Many people like I've auditioned for. I have so many. I have. I mean, pardon me. No, I have so many things I've auditioned for that. That I've never. Girl, so many. Especially audio ones. Not audio ones. Did you call it voiceover work? So many.

[B]

I would love to send you all. I mean, y' all let me know if you want to see them. I mean, some of them are great. They are auditions, so they're not. It's not production, honey. But yeah, I have my SNL audition in here.

[C]

I remember that. Yeah, they asked me to audition for snl, too. I was like, girl, I don't impersonations. I'm not an impersonation.

[B]

SNL's not just impersonations, but that's a

[C]

part of the audition. A part of the audition thing is do an impersonation that you do. And I'm like, I don't know.

[B]

I auditioned for. And just like that, apparently.

[C]

And just like that, I auditioned for that. It was for, like, a hairdresser for season two, right?

[B]

Yep. I still have that in here.

[C]

I auditioned for that, too.

[B]

I have. Oh, my God. I have Tales of the City, which I got. I have my. Oh, my God. I have a bubbly commercial. I auditioned for the role that Simone got in Bros Work. Oh, I have one for this movie that never came out, but I have my beard and my hairpiece in this audition table.

[C]

They were like, uh. They're like catfish. That nigga don't look like that.

[B]

I had a few with the beard. With the beard and the. And the. Oh, it was called Rock that Body was the name of it before it became Rough Night. It was called Rock that Body. Yeah.

[C]

Work.

[B]

That's it.

[C]

What is this about? You wanted to top Shit Coulee.

[B]

She look hot in that picture. I think the picture speaks for itself.

[C]

But do you really want to top Shake la?

[B]

I mean, if the offer's on the table, work.

[C]

Okay, so you and Chequele are out, and then while she's feeling her puss puss. You feeling your puss puss. And she gives you, like, do you appro. You know, let's take a break, and we'll talk about you topping these girls.

[B]

These girls is wild.

[C]

Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited Premium Wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills, but it turns out that's very illegal, so there goes my big idea. For the commercial, give it a [e-mail]

[A]

Switch upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for a 12 month plan. Required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. Me slow when network is busy. C terms.

[C]

Okay, so y' all are out at Roscoe's and your thing is Shea. Cool. A feeling it. You feeling it? Do you make the move at her or does she need to signal to you?

[B]

Oh, no, she has to make the move.

[C]

Why? You're the top.

[B]

It has to be an enthusiastic yes.

[C]

Well, that's not always okay. You can get an enthusiastic yes by just asking her. Be like, hey, are you interested in having sex?

[B]

That's crazy.

[C]

So what if she doesn't want to hit you up?

[B]

Granted, what I tweeted Granted, what I tweeted is crazy too. I mean, I'm also being silly. She did look really great in the picture, though. For those of you who don't know, I sent this tweet out. And for those of you listening, it is a picture that Shea overly edited her waist to make herself look really tiny as a bit.

[C]

And then, wow, is really. Is really cute. Which is really tiny.

[B]

And when I said, I'm so sorry to say this on a public platform, but may I top you, please? That's really funny to me.

[C]

I'm sorry. So you would not. So she. Wait, so people have to approach you in the club? You don't approach people because you don't want to be misconstrued.

[B]

Depends on who it is. I don't really approach people, though. No, not. I don't really approach people.

[C]

Same.

[B]

I've approached a few people, but as a general rule, no, I do not approach people.

[C]

I was telling someone this and they were all like, that's not true. And I don't. I think it's. If I'm being very honest, I think it's. For me, it's a little bit of rejection. I don't want to be overzealous and think at whatever, and I get shut down. So I won't do it that way. And also, like, I'm. I'm more of a. Anytime I've hooked up with someone from a club, it's been super organic. I haven't approached them. We were just kind of in the same space and we. You just get the energy and then you move on. It's never been a, hey, I think you're hot. Like them coming to me or me going to them. It's just been a. Like, we've been in the same vicinity. Energy has been there. And then it transitioned to sex.

[B]

MSG energy. Why are you so mad about msg?

[C]

Because where the fuck did you hear msg?

[B]

Maybe you was at a Chinese restaurant.

[C]

You remember when. Do you remember the war on msg? When they tried to tell us that all Chinese food has so much MSG? Like, do you remember this? This is like early 2000s.

[B]

It was actually not bad for you. There's a really interesting episode of this American Life about the MSG dilemma. And it's really, really interesting. It all started from this one guy, and then in the end, the guy was like, it was a joke.

[C]

See, it's very.

[B]

Then someone else is like, it's not a joke. Cause he didn't create the article. It is a whole thing. It is a whole thing. Try to find the this American Life episode about msg. Back to hooking up and meeting people out in public. No, I don't be talking to people like that in public, because last thing you about to do is shut me down, bitch. I walk into traffic with me, bitch, I'll walk into the east river and never come back.

[C]

Do you think that. Do you think that, you know, because of, you know, societal norms and gender, whatever. I think gender obviously has a big part of this, but feeling like tops need to approach bottoms, obviously bottoms be approaching tops, too. I'm not saying that, but I think when you think about. You think about, oh, a top should approach a bottom to hook up, which is very, very generous.

[B]

I don't feel that. No, that's not part of my experience. Be honest. If I think about guys I've met out at the club, like, literally just met at the club and not off of an app in my whole life. Maybe five. Like, maybe five.

[C]

I think the number for me is higher, but that's because I was also hooking up with chasers. So that's when you meet them. I would meet them at the club, like, at the gig. I made a lot of chases like that.

[B]

Yeah, I was looking up. I mean, I'm trying to think about the ones. There's that one. There's that one. Oh, well, there's the one. There's the dancer, the Australian. The guy in the kente cloth vest.

[C]

A kente cloth. I hope he was cute, because a kente cloth.

[B]

He was really cute, and the vest was really cute. And I now have a kente cloth. I think about every time I wore that vest.

[C]

Actually about the hookup or the person.

[B]

I think about him every time I wear that vest.

[C]

Was it good sex?

[B]

Huh?

[C]

Was it good sex?

[B]

You know, it was fine. But right when we started hooking up, he's like, do you mind if I play some music? And I was like, you know, I don't normally hook up during music to music, but yeah, sure, if you want to listen to some music, go ahead, Play whatever you want while we hook up. This is pre Drag Race. And I was like, yeah, go ahead and play music. And he was like, hold on, let me find. I want to just play it for you. I had really kind of been very unfamiliar with this artist at the time, very unfamiliar with his artist. So I did not know what to expect. He was like, do you listen to Lana Del Rey? I was like, no, not really. He goes, okay. And then he plays Lana Del Rey. And we started making out. We're kissing, taking off his vest. And then Lana kicks in.

[C]

Wait, wait, YouTube.

[B]

And I didn't know if that was a real lyric. I was like, is this a. Is this song supposed to be funny? I remember being like, is this song supposed to be funny? Is this is.

[A]

Is.

[B]

Is. I was very unfamiliar with. I was like, is she, like, a parody artist? Is she, like, a comedian? My. The first time I ever heard Lana Del Rey song, the first lyric I heard was, my pussy tastes like Pepsi Cola.

[C]

I think that's the first song I realized that was Lana Del Rear, too. I think I was. I was. I was making a number about pussy. And this. When I was, like, looking up songs, whatever this song came up. And that's how I first learned of who Lana Del Rey is. I put in my pussy number, but

[B]

it's not her favorite song is probably wake me up before you go.

[C]

I don't even know what that song is.

[B]

Summertime Sadness.

[C]

All right, I'm lying. Yes. That's the first Lana song. I know.

[B]

I got that. Summertime, Summertime Sadness. But for me, it was cola. And then I didn't know about. I don't think I knew about Summertime Sadness until the meme of her spinning on, twirling on SNL came out. She did Summertime Sadness. She's kind of was like, swaying her skirt.

[C]

Huh? I don't remember seeing this performance.

[B]

Lana Del Reezy, have you. Who do you think has more monthly listeners, Lana Del Rey or Bruno Mars?

[C]

Ooh, I would say Bruno Mars. Bruno Mars plays a lot at parties.

[B]

Lana del Rey has 61.2 monthly. A million monthly listeners, and Bruno Mars has 116.7. Almost double.

[C]

Yeah, Bruno Mars is always at parties and shit.

[B]

Don't believe me? Just watch.

[C]

Or how does 24 karat magic go again?

[B]

Okay, how about Lana Del Rey versus Wiz Khalifa?

[C]

Lana Del Rey. But I can't even. The only Wiz Klifa song I know was no shade to him is. I'm just not. I don't know a lot of this stuff. Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow.

[B]

He has 36 million monthly listeners, while, of course, Ms. Del Rey has 61.2.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, one more. Name one more artist you think is comparable.

[C]

This is your favorite game. I think you might do this more than single podcast and you single podcast a lot.

[B]

Name. Who do you think is comparable to Lana Del Rey? Like in her genre, in her area.

[C]

SZA.

[B]

Who has roughly 60 million. You think SZA. SZA. I was gonna say Selena Gomez.

[C]

No, Selena Gomez has more than that.

[D]

Oh, Selena Gomez has way more.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my God, you're right. It's almost. Oh, my God, is this devilish?

[C]

What?

[B]

SZA has 66.6 million. Six, six, six, six six.

[C]

It's six six, six, six six. You. You. There's an extra. Oh, 66. So.

[B]

Oh, my God. Are your eyes rolling at the back of your head? Are you possessed? Are you possessed by sza?

[C]

What would you do right now, Bob, in the middle of class, in the middle of this podcast? My chair just blushed black and I started levitating and floating like it.

[B]

I would assume it was some sort of a camera trick or something.

[C]

Bitch, try to fuck.

[B]

That's what I would assume. I would assume this has gotta be some sort of a trick or bit or weird. If I saw it in person, I'd feel differently. But I was. I'd be like, where are the strings? What are you doing? To be honest, do you know? I'd be that person in the movie. I'd be like, okay, until I got possessed too. Because I wouldn't believe it until.

[C]

Until I come back and be like, I could smell your nappy pussy. Literally.

[B]

I went, okay, sure, Mom. You're possessed.

[D]

Yeah. All right.

[B]

I would be that person in the movie. 100%.

[C]

This pussy possessed. A. Have you seen that prank? I think you and I talked about it. For what?

[B]

Some movie in the coffee shop? It was. It was. It was a TV show, not a movie. They were promoting a movie.

[C]

Yeah, promoting a movie. Right. That was, to me, one of the most. If I was in a coffee shop and that should happen, I would Lose my mind. But I also be like, bitch, give me powers.

[B]

So you're like, how do I get them? So to those of you wondering, it was a prank where this lady is like, in a coffee shop. And then I think like. Like a waiter or something, like, knocks over her drink or another. Something knocks over her, something. She gets really irritated. And then she, like, pushes him back and he goes up the wall. And then she screams. And then all the books, all the tables push back. No, she. She pushes her hands, all the tables around her push back in a circle. And then she screams. And then glasses break and pictures fall off of a wall and, like, the building's low key shaking. But it might just be the cameras and people in the shop are just watching it. They're like. And it. Apparently it was incredibly convincing. I would be like, this is a bit. I would be like, this is a bit.

[C]

That's easy to say when you're not there.

[B]

Bob.

[C]

Bob someone, y'.

[D]

All.

[C]

If someone is in Bob's house behind me and he does it up, I was like, bob, you freak out.

[B]

That's because I'm startled, not because I believe they appeared out of nowhere.

[C]

You don't think someone. Someone's screaming, gas is shattering and shit falling behind you will startle you?

[B]

Like when. When I see Jacob around the. I didn't say it won't startle me. But I'll still be like, this is a bit like when Jacob appears around the corner out of nowhere, which is magical. Cause he walks so heavy. I'm not like, Jacob vanished and reappeared. I'm like, oh, my God, that just startled me. So I would be startled, but I would quickly gather myself and be like, this cannot be real.

[C]

The gag.

[B]

But Harry.

[C]

But what is more likely, Jacob walks so heavy. You think just when he's around you, he's stepping lightly. Or Jacob be teleporting. Jacob be like 95 from Umbrella Academy. Just be blinking.

[B]

If Jacob had a superpower, it would not be teleportation at all. I don't think Jacob's superpower would actually be involved in any kind of. Jacob would be like. He'd be like one of those, like, super intelligent beings. Like, he'd be really smart. He'd be. He'd be kind of like, did you watch Heroes?

[C]

Of course I watch Heroes.

[B]

Who's it was it was that. Not Zach. The kid.

[C]

The kid. The kid.

[B]

I don't know, the main guy, the bad guy. What's his name? Skyler.

[C]

Siler. Siler.

[B]

Siler. What's the actor's name. Jake would be like that. So Zachary Quinto, his superpower is actually just being really smart. And if he looked into your brain, he could see how you do your power, and then he figures it out and does it for himself. That's what I think Jacob would be.

[C]

I think Jacob would be, to a point around your house, and you just don't know. So something would happen.

[B]

What would Andy's power be?

[C]

I think Andy would be impervious or super strong. One of those.

[B]

Andy would be the Blob, Which is, by the way. Which is, by the way, is impervious and super strong. That's literally all it is. He's impervious. I just said what you said. I just said what you said. Andy eats, y'.

[A]

All.

[B]

When I say Andy eats, I'm not playing games with y'.

[D]

All.

[B]

It's impressive. And he also does thing where he will. He will, like, see food, and he'll be like, who's this? This? It would be like, not yours, girl.

[C]

That's what I was living with Andy. I've been the house when I. When I bring something. Because let me tell you something, yo. I'm like a squirrel when I get my treats. I stole my treats.

[B]

You stash them.

[C]

I like to get a treat now, and my intention is to eat it later on tonight when I'm watching my show. Like, I'm that type of fat bitch, okay? So I be getting my little treats, and I be throwing them away. Nigga, I gotta hide my treats because this motherfucker walks through the house and gets his. The amount of fights you've had, I'd be like, do not touch my fucking food. I was like, this is mine. This is not yours. I bought this for you. Do not touch my shit. That is literally me all the time in the fucking house, by the way. So now you get a little table.

[B]

He can't help us, though. There's this sweet girl in our tour named Aaron. Aaron is as sweet as they come. Okay. Last night, Andy opened up the fridge, goes, what is this? Aaron's like, put it back. It's not yours, Andy. It's not. You didn't order that. You didn't put that there.

[C]

Good.

[B]

Put that down.

[C]

Good. So, yeah, a bit I did on Andy. So we were. I think we were together for like a year and a half. Maybe almost two years at this point. And then we're at the house.

[B]

He gets.

[C]

Cause I kind of. What you said. I was talking about with Jacob. Like, I walk around the house and like, Andy Will be in the thing, and I'll literally come downstairs, do a thing, and be. I'd be like, hey. He'd be like, how did you get here? That happens to him a lot. So one day I was like, hey, can we, like, sit down? And like, this is the true story. I was like, can we sit down? I need to talk to you about something. And he's like, okay. He's like, is everything okay? I was like, I think now we're at a time in our relationship. I can be super honest with you and open. Only a few of my close friends know this. And you know them. This is Bob.

[B]

This is absurd. I would have been like. I would have been like, you don't have powers. I would have immediately been like, you don't have powers.

[C]

Kameka dejuan or cj. Like, I've. This is something I've confided with them. When we reach a certain point in our relations, in our friendship, I feel like we're here, and I hope I can trust you. This information. He's like, what? I was like, people in my family are born with a certain ability. And we had this ability, this hidden talent to shift and bend time. And I was like, so every time you've seen me kind of pop up. And that was this whole thing about how I think. He's like, you're doing a bit. I was like, andy, I'm not doing a bid. I was like, if you want, you can call. I always say default. I was like, you can call Bob. I was like, Cause sometimes. Sometimes Bob would be like, we'll be extra and won't cooperate.

[B]

No, I always. No, if I. Oh, you can't pronounce this word. There's nothing wrong with that. It's corroborate. Say it again.

[C]

Corroborate.

[B]

But say it how you want to say it.

[D]

I do.

[C]

Say it right.

[B]

Cooperate. It's kind of cute. You'd be like, cooper, wait.

[C]

Anyway, I know Bob will corroborate my story.

[B]

I will corroborate your story. If I know. I'll corroborate it.

[C]

I would like. I would like. I would like. I was like, my phone is right here. I was like, you can call Bob. You can call whoever you want to. Any of my close friends. They will tell you this thing. He's like, I'm not. I'm not doing. I think he did try to call you. We. Bob didn't answer. And then later on, I was like, I was doing a bit, but it was so dramatic. It was so Funny.

[B]

I wish I would have answered. That would have been so fun.

[C]

I know, but he probably wouldn't have believed you either, though. I think, Bob, you're like.

[B]

I would have been like, how would it. Like, let's play the call out. How would he have asked?

[C]

He was like, bob, ring, ring. Hello, Bob. I'm here with Kevin, and he's trying to sell me this bit while he has powers. Do you know anything about that?

[B]

Wait, wait. Did Kevin say that or did you? Or did you ask that?

[C]

No, he sat me down and told me. Oh, he told you, Bob. No, I'm not doing this.

[B]

How long have you all been together?

[C]

Two years, Bob. And, you know, we've been together for two years.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Two years is about the time.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

No, I'm not feeling this, man. You and Kevin are lying. It is not true.

[B]

Oh. I mean, okay, that's on you. But I will say, the last person who didn't believe us, we can bend time so you don't have to exist. That bit that girls do, and they sit down with their partners and they go. They sit down. They go, when I snap my fingers, you will no longer be gay. And their boyfriends are like, what? I'm not gay. And they're like, oh, my God, it worked. No, no. You'll forget you're gay is what it was. When I snap my fingers, you'll forget you were ever gay. They go, wait. Then he goes, I'm not gay. Oh, my God, I was never gay. She's like, oh, shit, it worked. This is crazy.

[C]

Oh, that's so good.

[B]

You'll forget you were ever gay. I was never gay. I know. It worked. That's crazy.

[C]

That's so good. I love that.

[B]

Would that work on you?

[C]

No. Try. Let's see.

[B]

I mean, it's too late. I've already given you the premise.

[C]

But let's see. If I forget I was gay, Monet,

[B]

I'm gonna snap my fingers and you'll forget you were ever straight.

[C]

Bitch. I was not straight.

[B]

I know. I snapped my fingers.

[C]

It worked.

[B]

I don't know what you expected, but that is a funny bit, though.

[C]

That is really funny. Also, straight guys are so fucking dopey and stupid. I can't. I was. You and I have talked about this before. I could not. I am so happy I'm not fucking straight. I am so happy. Happy. I'm not sure. All these straight dudes. Ben Shapiro, all these fools out here having to live their life as boring ass straight dudes. Like, what a sad existence to Be. To be a straight man. How sad.

[B]

Well, to all of our straight male listeners, that was money exchange speaking.

[C]

I said what I said.

[B]

No, I'd say, yeah. I can't imagine my life if I was straight. It just. It doesn't sound like it'd be fun.

[D]

Right.

[B]

But maybe to them, it is fun.

[C]

What? Maybe. Maybe. I can't. I can't. I can't fathom a world.

[B]

There is some stuff that straight guys do that I could. That. That is stereotypically straight that I do think is kind of fun.

[C]

What

[B]

I like. I like go kart.

[C]

Go karts are a straight activity.

[B]

Yeah. I think straight guys like to race. Go karts.

[C]

Go karts. Specifically, the things that go 15 miles an hour.

[B]

Yeah, they like them. And I feel like gay guys like bumper cars. Bumper cars feels gay. Go cars feel straight because they bump it.

[C]

Like, you like bumping booties.

[B]

Mm. You like bumper cars?

[C]

No. I think bumper cars are so lame. I don't. What? Yes. Cause I. First of all, when you leave a bumper car, you be all right. I don't like bumper cars. I hate that.

[B]

I would say if you get hit without tightening your body in a bumper car, your shit will get wrecked.

[C]

It's too much. You got a headache. I don't like bumper cars.

[B]

I think bumper cars. Jake, do you prefer bumper cars or go karts?

[C]

Jacob?

[D]

I think I prefer go karts.

[B]

Okay, Y' all both straight. This is crazy.

[D]

Well, but. But bumper cars, it's, like, violent. Like, you're bumping into each other. Like you're actively, like, seeking conflict. Whereas go karts, you're just racing.

[B]

Do you see the man I'm dating? Well, I don't want to actively see conflicts.

[D]

I don't want to purposely ram my car into somebody else. Like, there's no thrill in the bump of a bumper. That's terrifying. Like a go kart. Go kart. You could also, like. I don't honestly fuck with either, but I would prefer a go kart over a bumper car.

[C]

Jacob. Jacob. Jacob. Like, Jacob prefers of a bunch, bump of coke.

[B]

Of a bump of car. Jesus Christ. Okay, a parade or fireworks?

[C]

Parade.

[B]

I would rather watch a parade, too.

[C]

Watch a parade? Oh, no, I'd rather watch fireworks than just watch a parade. I mean, if I'm there with, like, some drinks and stuff, that could be fun for a gay pride parade.

[B]

Cause there's so many hot people at the gay pride parade. Like, you see these, like, the hottest people in the city come out for gay pride parade people for the gay Pride parade.

[C]

You guys are really fun for me because, I mean, it's kind of like. It's like going to a buffet and you can't eat anything. It's like, okay, I'm looking at. I'm looking at the filet mignon, the steak and the this and that. The other bitch. I can't eat it. So.

[B]

But food smells good.

[C]

But. But do good looking people smell good from far away? No.

[B]

So when I got into my hotel room today, I have this little snack bag and I'm at a double tree.

[C]

The cookies.

[B]

So they give you the cookies.

[C]

Ooh.

[B]

And I just had too many flavors in my mouth all at once.

[C]

Wait, why did you have the cookies and the healthy snacks?

[B]

So I ate the. I didn't say. I never said anything goddamn thing about anything healthy. I don't know who the hell you talking to? Healthy where.

[C]

I'm literally talking to your personal trainer.

[B]

Okay. You think I'm scared of him? Which ways? I had my cookie and then I had a taste of these cheddar chips, and then I had some water and then I had another cookie and then I was gonna try to. Then I started. Then I started drinking the water again and I was like, these snacks don't mix. They don't mix. And I was gonna try to eat an orange and I was like, I can't eat an orange on top of all this. Cause I have been craving an orange. I have been cr. I don't not to one up you on the apples, but I have truly been craving an orange lately.

[C]

Do you love oranges?

[B]

Wait, did I just say I was gonna put a video up here or a picture?

[C]

What was it of you and me at your show?

[B]

Oh, it's already up there. Okay. Yeah, I've been craving oranges. Like, I think I like oranges more than you like apples.

[C]

Oh, God, the bobbleheads. Okay, so now. So this has been the evolution of the podcast. The monation went from sponges to green. Apples are their emojis. Now the bobbleheads are going from purses to oranges. Are you telling me that you. You tell me that you like oranges more than I like apples.

[B]

I think my love for oranges is stronger than your love for apples.

[C]

I can't live without an apple. I cannot live without having an apple every day. I have an apple every fucking day.

[B]

Do you drink apple juice?

[C]

I do drink apple juice.

[B]

Cause I drink orange juice.

[C]

I drink apple juice. Do you have an orange every day?

[B]

I don't have an orange every day. Okay, but they're not practiced. You can just grab an apple and eat it. You have to work. That's the thing about. That's what we. Over at the Bible has. Love. We work for our food. You have to work for the love of an orange. You have to get your hands in the dirt. Y' all are. Y'.

[C]

All. Y'.

[B]

All. Y' all are too scared to work over there at the monation. You want to just. You want it to fall from the tree and just start eating, eating, eating.

[C]

You know, just like. Just like the fucking acid and the oranges. Y' all niggas are fucking corrosive. Y' all are fucking toxic. Y' all just. You know what oranges are perfect for y'? All? The acidity in the apple. Just eat away and just. And just. And just break shit down. Whereas apples, we are nutritious. We give you fiber. We help pass things through the body. We help cleanse the body. That's what we had, the Monatian.

[B]

So you're all full of shit. What I'm hearing is Monatia's full of shit. And also, just like the apples, it's very abrasive to eat. Scrubs the bottom teeth. By the way, thank you all for validating me and letting me know that I was not crazy about the bottom teeth being fully assaulted. Every bite you take into an apple, if you do not cut the apple into chunks, your bottom gums, it's a wrap.

[C]

I don't have that experience eating an apple. I really don't.

[B]

Maybe you're doing this. Are you doing that? Are you pulling the apple away or are you biting it?

[C]

I bite just like. Just like Eve. I bite into the apple. Honey, have you ever had an apple that had a worm in it?

[B]

No, Right?

[C]

But I remember as a kid, because of fucking. The visuals I got as a kid, I was. I was afraid to eat apples as a kid. I was like, oh, my God, I'm going to eat a worm.

[B]

I used to draw my apples always

[C]

with worms, though, because that's what. There was something they were trying to fucking do to us as kids. Why was that? The imagery that all of us associate with apples, that all apples are rotten with a fucking worm in it.

[B]

And I want to tell you why I was really craving an orange. There was a way that I used to cut oranges that I'm going to go ahead and say right now is probably criminal. I don't do this anymore. You cut off both ends where the navel is, right? And then you can see the pulp, the rind and the pulp on the bottom.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Then you take a knife and you cut out the center pulp, poke it out, and you just eat that. It is so wet, so soppy. It is very messy. And then you cut the rind into either one piece. Cut it one cut. Or do two cuts make it two pieces. You scrape your teeth across the edges to get that out and you get. All of it is very wet and sloppy, but it's so juicy. Because the thing is, when you peel an orange and each little pod is encased in that stuff, it's not juicy anymore.

[C]

Ah, yeah, yeah. It's not. It's not. It's not wet. Yeah, it's not. Yeah, I'd agree with that.

[B]

And I like the juiciness of the orange. And I just really realized that I love oranges. My God, oranges are really might be the best fruit.

[C]

So do you know what this means? What? We have to play apples to oranges,

[B]

which is the baby version of cards against humanity.

[C]

Is it?

[B]

Yeah. Well, apples and oranges came first, and then cards against humanity came second. And it's basically the same thing, but it's like kid friendly.

[C]

I never played apples oranges. I just know they.

[B]

I'm sitting here with my glasses dirty as hell.

[C]

How the fuck were you even seeing?

[B]

Huh?

[C]

How the fuck were you even seeing?

[B]

I mean, that's the thing. You don't wear glasses, so it.

[C]

I don't and I never will.

[B]

That's not true. The time will come.

[C]

You don't know. You will be in glasses. My grandmother. My grandmother has never. My grandmother Cecilia has never worn. She's never needed glasses.

[B]

She probably needs them, though.

[C]

No.

[B]

Most people always heard an HD glass.

[C]

My grandmother has pretty common. My grandmother goes to. To get her physical. She has. My grandmother still has 2020 vision at 79 years old. My grandma, her health and how.

[B]

Well, you can have 2020 vision and still need glasses.

[C]

She doesn't have an astigmatism. She does not need glasses. My grandma does not need glasses.

[B]

Okay. Also, that's not how astigmatism works.

[C]

I'm just saying. I'm saying a different thing. She doesn't have the stigmatism. She has 2020 vision. She. Her vision is not impaired and she drives.

[B]

Just to be clear, you can have 2020 vision and still need reading glasses.

[C]

Sure. My grandma is not of that experience.

[B]

Does your mother wear glasses?

[C]

I wouldn't know.

[B]

You don't know if your mom wears glasses?

[C]

I don't. You're lying.

[B]

You don't know if Your mother wears glasses. I'm talking about when they show. Wow.

[C]

Wow. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.

[B]

Shut the up.

[C]

I need a minute, y'.

[B]

All.

[C]

I need a minute. I'm sorry.

[B]

I would apologize.

[C]

That was too. My God.

[B]

Listen, I want to tell you something.

[C]

I need a therapy session after this podcast, yo. Jesus Christ.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

You know what? And on that note, thank you all so much for coming to Monet's podcast. I love you, Mo. I love you so much.

[C]

I love you, too, my little angel.

[B]

Congrats on Everybody Hates Chris the cartoon. That was apparently.

[C]

You see why you gotta do that? See, y', all, this is how old people break it down. You're like, congratulations on Everybody has Chris the cartoon.

[B]

No, I'm making clear to everyone that it's not the old Monet's. They have not rebooted the live action show.

[C]

That's not a dish people Google and find out.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Congrats to Everybody Hates Chris the cartoon.

[B]

I didn't say a little show. I said Everybody Hates Chris the cartoon. That's a big deal.

[C]

It is a big deal. I'm very excited about it. Chris Rockins and Katina Arnold were all.

[B]

When I was young. So that's kind of crazy. You didn't tell me, but it's okay. I forgive you. All right, bye, everyone. Bye.