The One About College (with Arcia Stokes)

Summary

Sibling Rivalry: "The One About College" with Arcia Stokes

Date: October 16, 2023
Hosts: Monet X Change & Bob the Drag Queen (Bob not present), Guest: Arcia Stokes
Episode Focus: College years, Black identity in higher education, friendship dynamics, music education, and wild college stories

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Episode Overview

This episode takes listeners on a lively and deeply personal journey through Monet and Arcia’s college days, the challenges and joys of being Black students at a predominantly white institution, friendship tests, music education, hilarious misadventures, and life updates. The conversation is full of signature Sibling Rivalry wit, personal anecdotes, and insightful reflections, making it engaging for fans and new listeners alike.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Beyoncé’s Renaissance Tour & Black Cultural Experiences

• [03:00 – 09:35]
  • Monet describes going to the Victoria Monét concert and the Renaissance tour, emphasizing the power of Beyoncé to influence cultural trends (e.g., everyone wore silver to her concert).
  • Monet recalls the importance of experiencing the concert surrounded by other Black queer people:
    • “I just feel like the Renaissance experience, I wanted to do it with, like, Black people as well. Cause… the vibe and energy is just different.” – Monet ([04:24])
  • Comical details about Arcia’s painful boots, walking to the stadium barefoot in socks, and struggling to get the right wristbands to access their seats.
  • Wild night ends with being stranded waiting for Ubers and finally eating IHOP at 2 am.

2. Friendship Dynamics: Besties Then & Now

• [09:35 – 11:13]
  • Monet and Arcia have a playful debate about the definition of “best friends” and growing out of calling everyone a bestie.
    • “At this big age, whoever is in my life is considered a close friend.” – Arcia ([10:24])
  • Monet notes Arcia’s talent for connecting with people—even strangers at concerts.
  • "I'm a people person. I'm like a magnet. Like people like me. I like people." – Arcia ([10:55])

3. College Recollections: Meeting at Westminster

• [18:08 – 21:10]
  • Monet and Arcia reminisce how they met at Westminster Choir College, where Arcia was a sophomore and Monet a freshman.
    • Both recall the tight-knit Black student community and how few Black faces there were:
      • “Anytime you would see a new black face on campus, you guys just kind of gelled together.” – Arcia ([18:29])
  • Monet’s coming out story is shared—how Arcia first found out he was gay, and the intricacies of coming out even to close friends.

4. Classic College Mishaps

• Boomerang Incident

  • [23:34 – 26:41]
    • Monet’s obsession with boomerangs leads to Arcia being accidentally hit on the head, requiring an ambulance and stitches.
      • “The same boomerang that was used in assaulting me is on [Kevin’s] wall as decoration.” – Arcia ([26:07])
    • Resulted in the college banning boomerangs as "weapons."

• The Stalled Wawa Trip

  • [21:10 – 22:42]
    • After a snack run, Monet’s car won’t start. A police officer declines to help, leading to reflections on race and privilege in affluent Princeton.

5. Studying Music: Paths and Pitfalls

• [28:02 – 34:33]
  • Monet studied music education; Arcia, vocal performance and music. Both aspired to perform, though teaching became a practical route.
    • Arcia: “I just knew I was gonna be the next black Beyonce of opera. I did not want to teach at all.” ([29:00])
  • Monet taught elementary school for a year before the drive to perform took over.
  • Both discuss the challenges and rewards of teaching, especially across different age groups, and how attitudes shift over time.

6. Navigating PBIs vs. HBCUs as Black Students

• [49:08 – 53:30]
  • Arcia is completing her doctorate with a dissertation on Black students’ experiences at Predominantly White Institutions (PWIs) vs. Historically Black Colleges and Universities (HBCUs).
    • “I wish that I had the HBCU experience… just to have four years of being around people who look like me, who understand my cultural customs…” – Arcia ([50:21])
  • Both reflect on struggles with microaggressions, feeling like tokens, and what it meant to find and forge their own communities within their PWI.

7. Loyalty, Secrets & Friendship Dilemmas

• [39:20 – 46:03]
  • Monet confesses a dilemma from college: discovering Arcia’s boyfriend was on a gay dating site but being unsure whether to say anything.
    • “I had a moral dilemma… I wanna let my best friend know, but I also don’t wanna out this person.” – Monet ([40:56])
  • Arcia’s view: “It is your duty… to tell me because your loyalty lies with me.” – Arcia ([41:21])
  • Candid discussion on what constitutes real loyalty between friends.

8. Mentors, Professors, and "Unhinged" Memories

• [34:33 – 37:45]
  • Recalling eccentric professors and the struggles of music studies, including the lack of Black composers in curriculum and always being cast in “slave music” roles.
    • “Can we stop talking about our black struggles with music? We’ve come a long way since then.” – Arcia ([37:20])
  • Monet details attempts to cheat in music theory (“I pay too much to fail.” ([36:04]))

9. On Therapy, Adult Growth, and Becoming “Oldies”

• [16:57 – 17:57]; [46:03 – 47:45]
  • The two joke about songs from their youth now being “oldies.”
  • Arcia and Monet talk about the value of therapy for personal growth.
    • “Therapy provides you with the tools you need to navigate through this crazy ass world… I’m better equipped to handle life, I feel.” – Arcia ([46:07])

10. Arcia’s Doctoral Journey & Looking Ahead

• [47:45 – 49:08]
  • Arcia shares pride in being among the 2% of people worldwide with doctorates ([49:17]).
  • Motivation for finishing: “One thing people can’t take away from you is your education.” ([46:55])
  • Monet toys with attending Arcia’s graduation, joking about staying connected despite distance.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Cultural Experiences:
  “She’s a trendsetter. She’s a whole movement… she shifted the culture.” – Monet X Change on Beyoncé ([03:29])

• On Growing Up:
  “Usher is an oldie song now, like the song we were, like, jamming to in high school.” – Monet X Change ([15:58])

• On Friendship:
  “At this big age, whoever is in my life is considered a close friend.” – Arcia Stokes ([10:24])

• The Boomerang Saga:
  “The same boomerang that was used in assaulting me… he has the boomerang hanging on his wall as decoration.” – Arcia ([26:07])

• On Navigating Race at College:
  “I wish that I had the HBCU experience… Just to have four years of being around people who look like me…” – Arcia ([50:21])

• On Difficult Choices:
  “I had a moral dilemma. Cause I was like, I wanna like let my best friend know, but I also don't wanna out this person.” – Monet ([40:56])

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Important Timestamps

• [03:00 – 09:35]: Renaissance tour, cultural connections, concert misadventures
• [18:08 – 21:10]: Meeting at college, building Black community, Monet’s coming out story
• [23:34 – 26:41]: The boomerang incident
• [28:02 – 34:33]: Music education, performance dreams, the realities of teaching
• [39:20 – 46:03]: The friendship loyalty dilemma
• [49:08 – 53:30]: Life as Black students at PWIs, comparing to HBCUs
• [47:45 – 49:08]: Arcia’s doctorate, representation in higher ed
• [56:02 – 58:11]: First time in drag and the roots of Monet’s now-legendary career

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Further Listening & Plugs

• Arcia’s podcast: A Note From Stokes, streaming on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and more.
• Instagram: @rcastokes

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Tone & Style Snapshot

The episode balances joyful storytelling, quick-witted banter, and moments of vulnerability. Monet and Arcia keep it light and hilarious even when dealing with heavier topics (identity, loyalty, microaggressions), making for a deep yet riotously fun listen. Real, messy, and full of love—an essential Sibling Rivalry episode.

Transcript

[Arcia Stokes]

Close your eyes, exhale. Feel your body relax and let go of whatever you're carrying today.

[Advertisement Voice]

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[Arcia Stokes]

And breathe. Oh, sorry.

[Advertisement Voice]

I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste.

[Monet X Change]

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[Monet X Change]

my name is Bob the Drag Queen.

[Arcia Stokes]

And I'm Mona X Change.

[Monet X Change]

And this is Sibling Rivalry.

[Arcia Stokes]

On this week's episode, we talk about our experience at the Renaissance concert.

[Monet X Change]

And we have Arcia on on to talk all about college together.

[Arcia Stokes]

And we find out what made Kevin say this.

[Monet X Change]

I had a moral dilemma. Cause I was like, I wanna like let my best friend know, but I also don't wanna out this person. And we find out what made Arcia say this.

[Arcia Stokes]

The same boomerang that was used in assaulting me. He has the boomerang hanging on his wall as decoration.

[Monet X Change]

Well, sibling rivalry, listeners, by popular demand, Back is a little. Well, not little, but I don't mean one of my besties. Arcia is back, y'. All. Hey, Stokes.

[Arcia Stokes]

Hello, everyone. Hello, Monet. I'm so delighted to be back.

[Monet X Change]

It's so weird to hear you call me Monet. You never call me Monet.

[Arcia Stokes]

I never call you Monet. But I don't know if I could call you a government one.

[Monet X Change]

You know, you can call me whatever you want to call me, okay?

[Arcia Stokes]

Hey, biggie.

[Monet X Change]

You told them. Rude. Look, I went to the Victoria Monique concert, yo. She is so good. Arcia.

[Arcia Stokes]

How was Was good.

[Monet X Change]

She sounds great. Live her fucking dance. She like dancing the whole time. Her dancing is so clean.

[Arcia Stokes]

Really? I think I saw a clip on TikTok, I believe, and she was killing it the entire time.

[Monet X Change]

She fucking killed it. She really, really did a good job, y'.

[Advertisement Voice]

All.

[Monet X Change]

If she is, I don't know how weird she's. Huh?

[Arcia Stokes]

Where did you see the show?

[Monet X Change]

I saw it in LA on the 11th at the Fonda Theater. It's, like, really. Right? It's in Hollywood, and it was just really, really, really good. And also because of Beyonce, I think a lot of performers, like, so I don't know if she said this on social media, but everyone wore brown. Cause, you know, her color's, like, brown. So, like, everyone went to the tour, like, had on, like, brown. Like, you know how. You know, Renaissance was Beyonce.

[Arcia Stokes]

She set the tone. So everyone wore silver for Beyonce or the Met.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Monet X Change]

Yes, girl. Beyonce is. She is a trend seller. She's a whole movement.

[Arcia Stokes]

Anytime she want to do it, an entire movement. Because of Beyonce, everyone wears aluminum foil. Like, she's an entire. Shifted the culture. That's what she does. She's a culture shifter for sure.

[Monet X Change]

So Arcia, dejuan and I, my two besties, we went to. Wait, I was gonna say my oldest besties. Y' all are some of my oldest. But y' all are not my oldest best friends.

[Arcia Stokes]

Okay, just let. Set the record straight that we're still your best friends. Old, new, in between. Just let them.

[Monet X Change]

No one said that you weren't.

[Arcia Stokes]

Okay, great. I just want that to be. I want that to be solidified.

[Jacob]

Great.

[Monet X Change]

Now Kamika is my oldest best friend. At one time, Arcia tried to fight with her. Tried to fight with Kameka.

[Arcia Stokes]

I have not. I've never even met Kameka. When have I tried to fight Kameka on social media?

[Monet X Change]

You try to fight with her.

[Arcia Stokes]

You are literally making this up as we go along. So. And then what did I say? Tell the story. What did I say?

[Monet X Change]

No, no, I'm kidding. Djuad, Arci, and I, we became best friends in college, and we went to go see Renaissance together. Because I saw it in LA with some friends, and I was like, you know what? Like, this is not. This is gonna sound shady, but it's really not. But, like, I just feel like the Renaissance experience, I wanted to do it with, like, black people as well. Cause I was like, just, like, the vibe and energy is just different. So I was like. I texted

[Arcia Stokes]

you tell how so?

[Monet X Change]

And I had fun with my other friends too. Cause also, Andy was there. We had a really good time, but it's just like, this, like, cultural experience. This, like, really queer black. Like, I wanted that experience. Yeah. So I texted and wanted rc. I was like, what y' all doing on this date? And they're like, oh, nothing. I'm free. Like, I'm free. I was like, can y' all get To Houston on this day? No, first it was.

[Arcia Stokes]

It was Kansas City. Yes, first.

[Monet X Change]

Oh, your first Kansas City. But then I couldn't do it. Cause I had to film something in New York. So then we. Then we did Houston. And I'm happy we did Houston. Cause it was our first hometown show.

[Arcia Stokes]

Yes, it was lit. It was so the energy. We saw Lizzo there. We saw latoya Luckett. But when we walked in, I'm like, are we here to see Beyonce or are we here to see Monet? I'm like, can we get to our seats? It's like, monet, Monet, Monet. And then they wouldn't let us get to the floor seats, so we had to rush back to the. Where do we. Back to the entrance. Right.

[Monet X Change]

We or me?

[Arcia Stokes]

We, sweetie. We. We. French. We.

[Advertisement Voice]

We.

[Arcia Stokes]

We.

[Monet X Change]

Now you speak in French now. We. We. Yeah, we, We.

[Arcia Stokes]

We, we, we. We. We ran back and I was barefooted because my boots were hurting.

[Monet X Change]

So y'.

[Arcia Stokes]

All.

[Monet X Change]

First of all, Sarcia bought these fucking cowboy boots to go to the show. When I tell y' all we leaving the hotel, she was like, y', all, my feet hurt. I was like, we just left the hotel, like, two minutes ago. How do your feet hurt already?

[Arcia Stokes]

Can I not have blisters on the back of my feet at the end of the night?

[Monet X Change]

Blisters at the end of your feet.

[Arcia Stokes]

We have to show the people a picture. Your shoes is off, too.

[Monet X Change]

I mean, well, send me the picture. I'll make sure they put it up in the podcast.

[Arcia Stokes]

Let the people see.

[Monet X Change]

Ok, we will do that at the end. Jacob, remind us to send Tahara to send a picture. So we get in the Uber, we get to the stadium, we start walking. Cause, you know, it's like a distance to walk from where Uber drop off was to the stadium. So we walk in, she's y', all, hold on, hold on. So she literally, y', all. She takes off her shoes, is walking barefoot from the Uber to the stadium.

[Arcia Stokes]

Not barefoot. I had on socks.

[Monet X Change]

And then. So then I call over one of those, like, pedicabs, and I was like, can you ride us to the thing? So we get in the pedicab, we get to the thing, we walk. So we had floor seats. We had, like, floor seats right there by the thing. So we get. We get into. We walk into. We show our tickets, get into the stadium, walk all the way down to the thing. And then the security lets him to the thing. He's like, yeah, man, y' all need to have the blue wristbands. We're like, what blue wristbands? He's like, the blue wristband.

[Arcia Stokes]

I'm curious at this point, I only have socks on. We walked quite a distance to get here.

[Monet X Change]

A distance.

[Arcia Stokes]

I'm serious. At this point.

[Monet X Change]

So then. So then me and Dejuan were like, okay, let's go back. And we're like, guys, we need to go back up again. The thing. And these two girls were next to us. So we get to the top of the stairs and. And me and dejuan showed the lady. She only had three passes. And then we showed the lady our tickets, and there's one more. But then the two girls cut Arcia off. So they got the third one or the third and the fifth one. So then now Arcia is the only one that doesn't have a blue thing. So now we have to walk all the way back to where we entered the fucking stadium. But the concert is starting. So, like, I'm like, running.

[Arcia Stokes]

The concert did not start well.

[Monet X Change]

We didn't know. We thought it was going to start. It was like 8:30 already. It's supposed to start so that I'm running so I can get the thing. Arceed is walking slow as hell. I'm the one.

[Arcia Stokes]

Kevin is furious. Furious.

[Monet X Change]

I'm not missing this. I'm not missing.

[Arcia Stokes]

Oh, my goodness. Monet, can we get a picture with you? Oh, my God, Bob, can we. Mind you, he's not Bob. Oh, my God, Bob, can we get a picture with you? I was like, I can't right now. I can't right now. I said, ooh, that's gonna be on a blog, child, that you was being rude.

[Monet X Change]

Anyway, long story short, we went back to the thing, we got our tickets, we had a good time, and it was a nice little best friend weekend. It was very cute.

[Arcia Stokes]

Yes, we had a good time.

[Monet X Change]

Oh, no. So at the end, so y'. All. I took a mushroom. So I'm like, so I'm sorry. At the end of the concert, we're walking, we have to get another pedicab. We get to this gas station, and Arcia tried on my glasses. And something about Arcia with these glasses on tickled me so bad. And when I tell y', all, I was like, pissing myself, just cracking up

[Arcia Stokes]

on the screen because you love to make a fool of me. Sure. But hold on. We could not get a car for at least an hour after we left the arena. We were sitting at a random convenience store parking lot on the ground waiting for an Uber for at least an hour. And then we were starving. And then when we got back to the hotel, around, like, 1:32, we just ordered IHOP and just ate on the couch.

[Monet X Change]

It was. It was love.

[Arcia Stokes]

Kevin's dream. Kevin's dream.

[Monet X Change]

Forget my dream, I bet. Anyway. But, I mean, we. It was a fun trip to Houston. I'm happy we all did it together. I'm happy we experienced the renaissance together. It was very nice.

[Jacob]

Same.

[Arcia Stokes]

We were literally there less than 24 hours. We really didn't even sleep at all.

[Monet X Change]

I know. We didn't. We really didn't. And then we thought y' all weren't gonna get it because they had that fucking hurricane in Jersey. I was like, oh, my God, y' all gonna miss the flight.

[Arcia Stokes]

Yeah, but, you know, dejuan was putting those thoughts in our mind.

[Monet X Change]

He sure was. He always gotta bring the room down. I'm like, calm down, little boy.

[Arcia Stokes]

Don't come for my best resume.

[Monet X Change]

That's my best friend too. See, Arcana does this thing she calls. She calls everybody her best friend.

[Arcia Stokes]

No, I do not call. That used to be me. That was the old me. I don't call everybody my best friend anymore. I don't.

[Monet X Change]

So who. Who right now? Who are your. Who are your five. Who are your top five best friends?

[Arcia Stokes]

What you're not going to do is entangle me and entrap me so my best friends know who they are. Hello, best friends. And that's it. I don't have to name things. I don't have to name.

[Monet X Change]

Why can't you. Why can't you say.

[Arcia Stokes]

Why do I need to say who my best friends are? They. My. The way I look at it, at this point, at this big age, whoever is in my life is considered a close friend.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, I would agree. I mean, I'm not someone that has, like, a whole bunch of friends. I have, like, my core really tight group of best friends. And the rest are all other close friends. But, like, I don't know. How do you feel about this? But, I mean, I'm asking the question. I know the answer because Arcia likes a lot of people around her.

[Arcia Stokes]

Oh, my God.

[Monet X Change]

But, like, I have noticed

[Arcia Stokes]

Arcia, I'm a people person. I'm like a magnet. Like people like me. I like people. I like to talk to people. I like to engage with people. I like to connect with people. But I'm not everybody's best friend, and everybody is not my best friend. Now, I will admit there was a time in my life where I'm like, oh, my goodness, this is my best friend. But not anymore.

[Monet X Change]

Well, like, for example, we're at the concert, and R.C. was sitting next to a really nice young lady. They exchanged numbers. They talking about hanging out in New Jersey together. I was like, you know, you just met this person, like, five minutes ago. What do you mean? How does she have your number?

[Arcia Stokes]

It was just banter. We're probably never gonna hang out ever. Just banter. We were at the Beyonce concert. You know, like, you know, energy was high. We're just so happy to be there. You say all type of lies and shit at the Beyonce concert.

[Monet X Change]

Oh, my God. And then we sitting there waiting for the show to start. Arcia had, like, a hot dog or she had some other stuff in her hand.

[Arcia Stokes]

It's a shame that you're lying to your viewers. I was about to say our viewers, but this is. You listen to your show, but, you know, they're my viewers right now while I'm here. I did not eat a hot dog at all. You. Dejuan. And I had whatever y' all brought us to drink, and that's all I had.

[Monet X Change]

And then, so we sitting down there, and the teats. The seats are pretty close. Arcia spills her whole drink on the lady in front of her. And I was so embarrassed.

[Arcia Stokes]

That is true.

[Monet X Change]

I couldn't even look. Cause I knew the lady was mad. I was like, oh, my God. She probably just.

[Arcia Stokes]

It was an accident. We were all excited and in all theaters, to me, I did wipe her shirt off with a napkin. You know, I did try to make things right, but we were all excited. It was an accident. If you're listening, I'm so sorry, ma'. Am. I'm so, so, so sorry.

[Monet X Change]

What would you say? Well, no, I'm not gonna say that. I'll tell you. I'll say that for a little. I love how you got all done up.

[Jacob]

Have you gone to any other concerts together? Have you gone to any other concerts together?

[Monet X Change]

No, we've not gone to any concerts.

[Jacob]

We did.

[Arcia Stokes]

Well, no. We went to some Broadway shows together.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah. Yeah. We saw. I took us to see Strange Loop. We saw Moulin Rouge together.

[Arcia Stokes]

Yes. We met JoJo.

[Monet X Change]

JoJo. Yeah. Which now. Which now we're like. We're like. We're like IG friends, and we like DM and stuff all the time.

[Arcia Stokes]

I saw she had on your merch. I was like, that's pretty cool.

[Monet X Change]

I know. And she's Jojo's. Honestly, I have admired JoJo from. Since we were, like, kids. Like, I was. I'm so obsessed with her voice.

[Arcia Stokes]

For as long as I can remember. Yeah.

[Monet X Change]

I mean, Arcana. We've been in a lot of concerts together, but, like, classical concerts. We've done a lot of that. One time, Arcia had this thing at her church. What was it for? And she was like, so.

[Arcia Stokes]

Oh, my goodness. So I had like, a little, like, a little youth concert thing at the church. And I told Kevin at least a month in advance that I needed him to read a scripture at the concert. Okay, maybe three weeks. Okay, three. Three. Three. Two weeks. Three. Two weeks. Okay, a week. Anyway, he knew in advance time that he needed to prepare scripture. So they call his name to come up. He's all discombobulated all over the place. He. He trying to get through the pews, like, excuse me, excuse me. Bumping people, just causing a scene. At this point, I'm just absolutely mortified. At this point, I'm embarrassed. He gets the microphone and he says. And he says, I just want to read something that's been. I want to. I want to read a scripture that's been in my readings for the past couple of months, or whatever. It's been in his readings for the last couple of months. Then he should know the scripture. Then he says, do anybody got a Bible? Just. I was just so embarrassed. I was just so mortified. It was. It was. It was a mess.

[Monet X Change]

I don't know what I was really. I said. I said, lord, let. Let me. Let me. Let me get someone's Bible. Let me just find something to say in this Bible.

[Arcia Stokes]

Jesus. He flipped it. He flipped to Genesis. In the beginning was whatever. Whatever God created. I'm like, that ain't that. That ain't been in your reading, sweetie. That wasn't in your readings.

[Monet X Change]

We also used to one of my. In college. I guess we can. No, we'll wait till after the break to get into the topic. But we've had so many. Just ridiculous moments together about different things that happened. I mean. Cause what we've been. I've known you for how many years now? 15?

[Arcia Stokes]

No, just about 15. I don't know, child. I was. I was 18.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah. So 14. 15. Yeah, I guess 15 years. Oh, my God. 15 years, girl. Arcia, we're getting.

[Arcia Stokes]

I was.

[Monet X Change]

Something happened today. Pat and I were doing something. Oh, no. Some kid in the Delta Lounge today. You're talking about Usher.

[Arcia Stokes]

Yay.

[Monet X Change]

You're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, oh, my God, we heard him. He was like, I love oldies like that. And I was like, not oldies.

[Arcia Stokes]

Yeah. Yikes.

[Monet X Change]

Usha.

[Arcia Stokes]

Yeah.

[Monet X Change]

Is an oldie song now, like the song we were, like, jamming to in high school.

[Arcia Stokes]

We are. We are definitely. We're definitely getting up there. My alarm went off this morning. I got off the bed and I had so many nooks and crannies that cracked in my legs. I said, uh, I gotta do better. I can't live like this.

[Monet X Change]

Okay, let's take a break and we'll talk more about Usher and being an oldie.

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[Monet X Change]

Okay, we's black. Yeah, so, yeah, like, songs that we used to dance to in high school and shit, girl, that's soon going to be like, oldies. They're probably going to start playing on oldies stations. And that to me is the sign like, oh, bitch, you're. You're in. You're. You're. You're in old head.

[Arcia Stokes]

Now you're getting up there. Well, let me ask you a question. What was one of your favorite songs, I would say, from maybe when you were in college, that you think would be considered an oldie today?

[Monet X Change]

I think Wayne got somebody. She is a beauty, very smart. That's an oldie now for sure.

[Arcia Stokes]

It's definitely an oldie. For sure. It's definitely an oldie.

[Monet X Change]

What about you?

[Arcia Stokes]

All I know is that I was obsessed with Ciara. My goodies. Not my goodies. I love. I love Ciara. I love Sierra.

[Monet X Change]

I don't think those are oldies yet. Like, one, two, step. Like, those can't be oldies yet. Comment below. Do y' all think those are oldies? I don't think. I don't think Sierra music is oldies yet.

[Arcia Stokes]

Early Sierra.

[Monet X Change]

Nah, it's not oldies.

[Arcia Stokes]

She came out when I was in high school. Like maybe junior, senior year in high school. That's considered an oldie.

[Monet X Change]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Jacob]

School.

[Monet X Change]

Okay, so, like, so Arcia and I, we met each other in college. You RC is a year ahead of me. So she was a sophomore and I was a freshman. And like, a bunch of the kids in school, like, y', all, y' all were. Y' all were from Jersey. So also y' all had like a year. So y' all were really tight knit. But I try to explain to people there were not a lot of black people at our school. Right.

[Arcia Stokes]

So there were not a lot. It was. It's considered a predominantly white school. And so anytime you would see a new black face on campus, you kind. You guys just kind of gelled together. Like, this is. This is. This is my family right here. So that's kind of what it was when you came on campus.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah. And. Okay, and I'm gonna ask you this, like. And be for real. Be honest. Like, for real. For real. For real. Did you think I was gay when you first met me?

[Arcia Stokes]

Initially, no. Initially?

[Monet X Change]

Why?

[Arcia Stokes]

Initially, no, I just wasn't getting gay vibes at all. I just wasn't. But, you know, clearly my gaydar is at that time. At that time was not where it is today. So, no, I didn't. I didn't think that at all, actually. But I remember the time I found out.

[Monet X Change]

How did you find out? I don't remember. Did I tell you or did you

[Arcia Stokes]

find out at your apartment? And we was laying in the bed because we were always. Cause Kevin. Kevin always. He loved to spend time with me. His favorite thing was laying in the bed with snacks. So we would come together. We would come together after a long day of classes. Laying the bed with snacks and just, you know, talk. So we were laying in the bed one day, and he just kind of shared that he was talking to somebody and he told me that it was a guy. And I was like, oh, okay, cool. And then I went back and told dejuan. Because Kevin told my business to dejuan. Dejuan told my business to Kevin.

[Jacob]

So.

[Arcia Stokes]

And dejuan, of course, pretended like he didn't know. And then it just all came out.

[Monet X Change]

And it all came out. Work. Oh, my God. I do remember that. Okay. Also, it wasn't like, when I told you, you were like.

[Shopify Advertiser]

You were like.

[Monet X Change]

You were like, kevin, for real? And I was like, yeah, you. Like, oh, my God. For real?

[Arcia Stokes]

I was like, for real. Oh, my God. I was.

[Monet X Change]

Oh, my God. I used to hate that apartment. Cause you know. Cause one of my roommates was so hairy and the bathroom would have so much hair.

[Arcia Stokes]

The only creepy part in that whole apartment was your room. Everything else. I made sure I used the bathroom before I came over there. I would rather have. I would have rather pissed in the woods before closing my bare butt in your bathroom.

[Monet X Change]

Because it was. Well, did I Have my own bath. I think I had my own bathroom.

[Arcia Stokes]

Did you?

[Monet X Change]

I can't remember because I don't remember showering because I know if I would have showered where they showered, I would have used shower shoes. I didn't have shower shoes. I think I had my own bathroom. I like, lucked out because I had, like, the basement.

[Arcia Stokes]

Yes. Yes. Yes.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah.

[Arcia Stokes]

Yes.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah. That was wild. Oh, my.

[Arcia Stokes]

Y'. All. Another wild time that I remember in college that lives rent free in my mind. So I was. I was done with classes for the day, getting ready to wind down, and Kevin called my phone and told me how hungry he was. And I'm like, oh, my goodness. Like, I'm tired. I already shower. I already shower. Like, I'm tired. Blah, blah. He like, just run with me. I'm a drive. So we get his Nissan Maxima.

[Monet X Change]

It was Hunter, my first car. It was. It was a green 1996 Nissan Maximum.

[Arcia Stokes]

Nissan Maximum. So he wanted to go to Wawa. It's cool. Wawa was maybe only like five minutes from campus, not far.

[Monet X Change]

Wow. Was like in like Jersey and Pennsylvania. It's like. It's like they're 7 11. It's like a. It has like snacks, like deli stuff, gas.

[Arcia Stokes]

Look at Kevin getting excited, talking about it. Yes. It's a one stop shop. Okay. And so we drive to Wawa. We're in there, and Kevin is like a kid in the candy store. I want the cookies, the cake, the pies, the candy, the ice cream bars, everything, you know, just a field of damn rude. So after we get all of the snacks, we get in the car, excited. He's excited to get back to campus. So he puts the key in the ignition and nothing. Nothing. The car doesn't start. The car doesn't make a beep. So, girl. And then he asked the police officer if the police officer could take us home. The police officer like, what? No. So did we end up walking home?

[Monet X Change]

I don't remember what we ended up doing. I don't remember what we did, but we were just stranded outside this fucking Wawa.

[Arcia Stokes]

What's next?

[Monet X Change]

And here's the thing, though. I look back, I'm like, because, y', all, this is in the very affluent town of Princeton, New Jersey. It's a very rich town. And I'm like, do you think if we were white kids that those officers would have, like, did more to help us, you know?

[Arcia Stokes]

Question. That's a question. You know, Kevin, that's a great question. I don't know. I don't know.

[Monet X Change]

Like, we're just two college kids. We're stranded. We didn't really have. I don't know why we didn't have our. Maybe we didn't have. I don't remember. Maybe we. Maybe because I think our CEO was so excited to get, like, some snacks that we, like, she admitted.

[Arcia Stokes]

Kevin called me to go to Wawa. So, you know who. Who was excited and at that time. So it's not like you.

[Monet X Change]

You had just scurried out the bed. I saw you. Your damn feet were moving so fast. You look so excited to go to the Wawa, so don't try it, child.

[Arcia Stokes]

You was like Fred Flintstone. Them feet was hitting that gas like, nobody business trying to get the Wawa, sweetie. Okay, so that's what I recall.

[Monet X Change]

Okay, I think I told the story before. So for some reason, I got really into boomerangs in college. I was like, really?

[Arcia Stokes]

This is very triggering for me. This is very triggering for me because I still have the mark somewhere on my head for this.

[Monet X Change]

I got really into boomerangs. So I was like. I found this website called boomerangs.com. and, like, they had all these different boomerangs. And then I was, like, reading up on them from Australia and, like. And, like, the indigenous folk, like, how they got to be, like, so thick. I was like, ruins the boomerang. So I order these boomerangs, they arrive at the school. And our school, we had this big quad. Like, it was a small campus, but we had, like, a big quad in the middle where the library was. Our dorm was on one side, other dorms there, and that's where everyone would kind of hang out in the spring. So I'm just on the quad, like, learning how to do boomerang, like, throwing it back. It's, like, kind of coming back. Or not. Whatever. Arcia, I think she was walking. She was either coming from lunch or going to lunch. I don't remember. You tried it?

[Arcia Stokes]

No, no, no, no. You tried it.

[Monet X Change]

Arcia's passing by, and I was like, arcia, look, look. Let me show you what. Girl, I can do boomerangs now. So I throw the boomerang, it comes back, and it hits Arcia right in the head, and she goes straight down.

[Arcia Stokes]

Now, I have the picture. You guys can insert the picture.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, send me that picture, too. Now, I don't know if y' all can tell. Arcia's a very animated person. Arcea is very over the top. So I'm thinking she's just, like, being extra. I'm like, arcia, stop playing it did not hit you that hard. I go over and she is leaking blood. Like, blood is just pouring. I was like, oh, my God. And then so they take her to the hospital.

[Arcia Stokes]

So they call the ambulance, and I'm rushed to the hospital in the ambulance. So I get to the hospital and the dean of students come to the hospital and I saved your behind. I saved you because the dean was.

[Monet X Change]

I didn't leave my behind.

[Arcia Stokes]

No, no. Because the dean said, arcia, are you sure this is an accident? Because we can press charges right now. And I said, no, it was an accident. But thinking back, I should have said, yeah, press the charges. And because of that, they banned boomerangs from campus. They actually put it in the policies book that you cannot have boomerangs on

[Monet X Change]

campus because of you, y'.

[Arcia Stokes]

All.

[Monet X Change]

They made an amendment to the bylaws of the college saying that boomerangs are now considered weapons on campus. And they're no longer allowed because he

[Arcia Stokes]

act like he from Australia. He took training and boomerang. That thing hit me in the head and I had to get stitches.

[Monet X Change]

Yes.

[Arcia Stokes]

And not only that, let me just say this. When I went to Kevin's house, he has the boomerang hanging on his wall as decoration. The same boomerang that was used in assaulting me is on wall.

[Monet X Change]

I still have the boomerang, y', all, at my house, because it was my first boomerang. I love boomerangs. Even when I went to Australia for the first time, he bought me some boomerangs. I still like boomerangs. I think they're very cool.

[Arcia Stokes]

Okay. I'm very. I'm very. I'm very traumatized from boomerangs to this day.

[Jacob]

Can you explain how a boomerang works? Like, how does it come back?

[Monet X Change]

So the boomerang is, as y' all know, it's like. It's like this. Either like a. Like a V or like an R. They have different shapes. They can either be very like this or more like that. And from what I've learned in my readings, the ones that are this way, they cut the air sharper, so they have like a. They have a more acute angle of return, whereas the ones that are wider, they can travel more, and they kind of mimic the shape of that they are in their return.

[Arcia Stokes]

And it's not.

[Monet X Change]

Say it again, Jacob. Oh, and it's not an exact science. Like, I don't know exactly how to do it, but. But like, you. So you hold. If it's like this. Like, if it's like this, you're holding this side, and you throw it this way. And it's supposed to come back, but, you know, it also. It's like a cheap boomerang from, like, boomerangs.com, was probably just really cheaply made. So I don't think not.

[Arcia Stokes]

Well, whatever boomerang they had had a sharp blade on it. Cause it took my forehead off. That's why, in all honesty. In all honesty, that's why I only wear swoops to this day.

[Monet X Change]

Like, this RC bullshit. Y'. All. Y' all believe that shit if y' all want to. RC is so full of shit. Full of it. Anyway, I was talking about. So we're talking about school education. So I went to school for music education. Rc, what did you do?

[Arcia Stokes]

So I got a bachelor's. A bachelor of arts in music. So I have a bachelor's in music, essentially.

[Monet X Change]

In music. Yeah. And then. So. Because, like, that's what, like, a lot of people out of school either were. Either. Were three. Either performance education or BA in general music.

[Arcia Stokes]

And that's my master's in performance and vocal pedagogy.

[Monet X Change]

Okay. And then so undergrad I did. I went to do education because my family's like, listen, if you're gonna do. Fucking go and do this music shit, you need to have an education to back it up so that you can do something in case the singing doesn't work out. So that's why I really did Education. I started out first. My first, like, semester was performance and education. I was like. It was way too much. It was too much fucking work. So I dropped the performance and I judged the education. Because with the education degree, you were getting pretty much the same classes as performance majors. Because my primary instrument was voice. It was just, like, one or two that I wasn't gonna get per semester, which was fine, but. So did you ever wanna teach in undergrad or.

[Arcia Stokes]

No, Absolutely not. I just knew I was gonna be the next black Beyonce of opera. I did not want to. I did not want to teach at all. I did not want to go into education. That was not the trajectory for me.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah. And I wanted. I like to teach. I wanted to teach. I even taught. I taught for what, a year after I graduated on the Lower east side, but. And it was fulfilling. But I don't know. Like, the bug to perform more was, like, stronger for me. So that's why I, like, left education after, like, a year. And I did that, like, Portland. Portland Opera. So then. And then obviously, the rest is history. And then I started doing drag. And here we are, but can you talk about, like, your journey with education and stuff? So Bachelor's of Arts.

[Arcia Stokes]

So I graduated in 2012 with my Bachelor of Arts in Music. And then I went right back to school. I went to grad school, and I got a master's.

[Monet X Change]

Why? Why'd you go right back? That's crazy.

[Arcia Stokes]

I went right back because I had no freaking clue what the hell I was gonna do. I had no job lined up, and I just didn't wanna go back home and not have anything lined up. So I knew that I can get back in school right away. So I went back to school to get my master's in voice performance and voice pedagogy, which is essentially the science of the voice. And then I graduated, and then Dr. Miller got my first big girl gig. I did Spiletto Festival. I was in Porgy and Bess in Charleston, South Carolina.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, I would love to do a Porgy and Bess. I don't know who's listening out there. I would love to do a Porgy and Bess.

[Arcia Stokes]

It should be Bess.

[Monet X Change]

No, I want to be Porgy, but, like, make it a drag. I don't know how that would work with the storyline. It wouldn't make any sense because they're lovers, but I don't know. I would love to do Porgy. Anyway, sorry.

[Arcia Stokes]

We actually did a duet together in Aria from Porgy and Bess.

[Monet X Change]

We did Bestie Is My Woman.

[Arcia Stokes]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You killed it.

[Monet X Change]

Thank you. Thank you. You know, I mean, like, on campus, people used to, like. I had a very good reputation for my voice because, you know, I was a bass, and I was the lowest bass in one of the audition choirs. So that was like. Oh, it was like, a good look. Anyway, sorry. So you did. So then you got your masters in voice pedagogy and performance, and then then,

[Arcia Stokes]

like I said Charleston, Porgy and Besson. After that, I was just, like, doing some gigs. I was in the Kathleen Battle Choir. You remember when I sang at the Met and all of that?

[Monet X Change]

Yeah.

[Arcia Stokes]

So that was kind of like an ongoing gig for a little bit. I did some stuff with Pierre Moss, which is a designer out of New York City. So I did a lot of New York Fashion Week singing with that. I was also part of Trilogy Opera, which is an opera company in Newark, so they had many operas. And then what I didn't want to do, I ended up doing. So I went into education because just the gigs were so inconsistent and I had bills to pay, so I went into education. I Became a full time music teacher. And I want to say 20, 18 or 17, one of those. And I was teaching for about four, four or five years. And then I went, what age did you teach? K through four, kindergarten through fourth grade.

[Monet X Change]

That's the age I taught in New York. And I have to say, I love that age range. I love that. I love K through 5. Because in music ed, when you have to do praxis or practicum, like when you teach, when you're a student teacher, the fucking middle school kids are so annoying. I did not enjoy teaching middle school kids. All right, let's. Let's take a break. We'll talk more about. About teaching y' all badass kids. All right, we're back. And then. So I don't fucking like teaching middle school kids. And I never taught high schoolers, but it seemed like high schoolers. Well, I mean, sorry, in practicum, I did teach high school for, like, in practicum, you do it for a month each. And K2,5 was my favorite. High school was like, if I had to, sure I can. And middle school, I was like, I never want to teach middle school because they were just fucking annoying. And I did not like middle school kids.

[Arcia Stokes]

So when I taught K4, I was absolutely obsessed with Kinder. Kinder could do no wrong in my eyes. Like, and if you have a bad day, just teach kindergarten because it would be like, Ms. Stokes, I love your shoes. And if one person says it, then everyone is looking for something to compliment. Oh, my God, Ms. Ms. Stokes, I love your shoes and I love your hair. And I'm like, yes, let me just bask in the compliments. But now I'm currently at. Okay, so I stopped teaching and I went back to school. So I am finishing my doctorate now in education. And so Now I'm teaching K through 8. And I think I like the older kids better at this point.

[Monet X Change]

Really?

[Arcia Stokes]

Yes, because it's less babying I have to do. And I'm very. Just very direct with them. So it's just. I just feel like I can get straight to the point. I can teach in a way that they understand without having to break it down in such a very elementary way of understanding. I know they're elementary, but it's just like, I love the older kids.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, I guess it's because in middle school, like, I. First of all, I know. I mean, I've told so many stories on this podcast. Yo. I know, I know. I was like a fucking mess of a middle schooler. So I just feel like, in middle school, they're trying to be cool and, like. I don't know. I just. I don't know. I just. I didn't vibe with them, the little ones, and I feel like you're, like, literally. Yeah. You're, like, teaching them the little ones

[Arcia Stokes]

also, like, they tell you everything. Like, oh, Savannah looked at me. Oh, Savannah touched the doorknob. Oh, Savannah farted. I don't care. So after a while, it becomes annoying. Okay.

[Monet X Change]

Do you remember in college, doctor. Dr. Kowarski,

[Arcia Stokes]

that was an unhinged man.

[Monet X Change]

Dr. Skowarski was unhinged. He would do some crazy shit.

[Arcia Stokes]

Unhinged, unhinged. You know, he actually sending me, like, messages on LinkedIn now every now and again.

[Monet X Change]

Does he really?

[Arcia Stokes]

Yeah, but, like, different projects he's involved in and things like that.

[Monet X Change]

Dr. Kowarski. I remember Dr. Kowarski because he was. He was openly gay. He was opening out. He was very eccentric. And, you know, at that point, since I was still in the closet, anytime I would meet someone who was, like, who I. Who? Everyone who was, like, open and gay, I was always, like, just gagged. I'm like, wow. Like, one day. One day, hopefully I can do that and, like, be open about my. I really did. And that's why I really liked him, even though he was crazy. I mean, I used to. I used to try to teach. Oh, my God. Can I say this? I don't know if they'll try to,

[Arcia Stokes]

like, you got your degree now. Go ahead.

[Monet X Change]

I used to. I used to try to cheat on his test so hard and only. Okay, I'm about to say. Hold on. I was successful maybe twice. Because what I would do is he would give us these sheets to study for his test. I would make a master sheet with all the information on it, and then I would get one of those see through folders, and then on the top part of the folder.

[Arcia Stokes]

Yes, you would.

[Monet X Change]

Yes, you would make my cheat sheet, and I would pull it out so I could use something to rest on to do my test. And then I will, like, have to. I will peek in there to try to, like, find answers and shit. Because y' all always say, oh, oh,

[Arcia Stokes]

because I pay too much to fail. I pay too much money to fail.

[Monet X Change]

I pay too much to fail.

[Arcia Stokes]

There's no way to cheat in music theory, though. That's. How do you cheat in music theory? It's kind of like math. How do you cheat in math? How.

[Monet X Change]

I mean, how do you cheat in math?

[Arcia Stokes]

Okay, so in music theory, if you have a score and they're like, analyze measure 2. What is the chord progression in measure 2? How do you cheat. How do you cheat in math?

[Monet X Change]

Or it's like, which one is. Which one is it Phrygian mode? Which one is it? Lydian? Like, I wouldn't remember exactly. So, like, stuff like that I would cheat on. But the hardest one we probably took was fucking music historiography, that shit. Music history.

[Arcia Stokes]

The first time

[Monet X Change]

that shit was hard, like, about fucking Hildegard of Bingen and fucking Byzantine. I was like, yo, music history was such a hard class.

[Arcia Stokes]

And what made me mad, okay, can we talk about black composers and musicians? Because there's plenty of them.

[Monet X Change]

But this, you know.

[Arcia Stokes]

You know, you know, they would. We did have jubilee where they did sing a lot of songs by African American composers and writers. So, you know, that was good to have that.

[Monet X Change]

They gotta always make our shit sound like we fucking slaves fighting for freedom. Like, can y' all be in the. Can y' all be in the jubilee choir? It just seemed like we. Like, we just gotta wait in the fucking water.

[Arcia Stokes]

Wade in the water. Soon the change gonna come. Okay, like, Jesus. We get it. We get it. Can we stop talking about our black struggles with music? We. We've come a long way since then.

[Monet X Change]

A mighty long way.

[Arcia Stokes]

A mighty.

[Monet X Change]

So, yeah, that was my also. Voice Signs was a hard class, too, because, like, you're learning about, like, all, like, the parts of the thing and, like, the.

[Arcia Stokes]

I thought it was interesting.

[Monet X Change]

College. I guess that's what college is for, though, right? Like, if you're not learning in college, why the fuck are you there? Like, you got to be learning.

[Arcia Stokes]

Listen, I will sit through voice science all day before I have to sit through a math class because I fucking hate. Oh, can I curse on here? Yeah, yeah, I forgot. I forgot what podcast I'm on. I will sit through a voice science class all day before I sit through math. I hate math. I absolutely hate math.

[Monet X Change]

Have we ever been in a big fight before? Like, one where we didn't talk? I don't think so.

[Arcia Stokes]

You and I never really get into really anything. We'll have our little snarky comments, but it's not. Mm. Mm.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, we never. I don't know, Djuan. You and dejuan have more. You and dejuan have more of that than me.

[Arcia Stokes]

We do. Because dejuan, I had to get him together many times. I have to reel him in. Reel him in like a little fish

[Monet X Change]

with any of my, like, my besties. I've never, like, fallen out with My bestie, even Bob. We've had, like, maybe two big fights. And with you? Not really. I think dejuan and I have had, like, maybe one, maybe two. Like, Jay and I had a big fight one time. We stopped talking. Kameka. And I've also. I've known Kameka for 20 years now. And so we, like, long ago, we had, like, big fights, but not in the past. Like, 10 years? 10, 15 years.

[Arcia Stokes]

Yeah.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah. Well, I don't feel like you're.

[Arcia Stokes]

But I don't feel like you're. I don't feel like you really, like, conflict.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, I don't. I don't. I mean, I'm good until I'm not good. Like, it takes a lot to bring me to that point. Yeah, a whole lot. I mean, you were mad at me a little bit in college because, I mean, I'm not gonna say any names, but Arcia was dating someone that we found out was gay. And I knew she was telling the story.

[Arcia Stokes]

Please, go ahead.

[Monet X Change]

Wait, what do you mean, go ahead?

[Arcia Stokes]

Go ahead? Go ahead, Tell the story, and then I'll tell my side.

[Monet X Change]

Well, Arcea was involved with someone. So back in college, again, I was in the closet, right? But I was still on things like Craigslist and Adam for Adam. Adam for Adam was like a hookup back then.

[Arcia Stokes]

What was your business? Selling cars? Selling parts?

[Monet X Change]

No. Trying to find dick on Craigslist?

[Arcia Stokes]

Yeah. So you were selling a part?

[Monet X Change]

So. And so one time, I'm on Adam Adam, and I see someone's, like, someone close to me. Cause it was kind of like Grindr. It would show you how far people were, I think. And then I see this profile, and I was like, wait. The person's face wasn't in it, but I could tell by the room and the body. I was like, is that.

[Arcia Stokes]

And the sheets.

[Monet X Change]

And the sheets. I was like, that looks really familiar. So I didn't say anything. And then I go on again a few days later, and I see it again, and I was like, yo, that's definitely who I think it is. But our standards person were together for a long time, and I did not feel like it was my place to, like, out this person, even though I'm like, if this person's out here, do it. Like.

[Jacob]

Like, I did.

[Monet X Change]

I had. I had a moral dilemma because I was like, I want to, like, let my best friend know, but I also don't want to out this person. So.

[Arcia Stokes]

Can I speak now?

[Monet X Change]

Go ahead.

[Arcia Stokes]

So Kevin saw that the individual I was dating was on a gay site. Like, we were dating, like, in a relationship. And so what Kevin proceeded to do

[Monet X Change]

was for a long time, a couple

[Arcia Stokes]

years for a long time, we actually went to the same high school. We were dating in high school and then went to college together. So what Kevin proceeded to do was tell dejuan. So Kevin and dejuan knew. They were in cahoots. They knew. And I was the only one in La La land. So my thing is, as my best friend, if you see an individual that I'm dating on a gay site, it is your duty, it is your obligation to tell me, because your loyalty lies with me. If I saw someone you were dating on a gay site, straight site, whatever, I'm gonna tell you as your best friend, like, hey, hey. I just feel like she made me.

[Monet X Change]

So you feel. So you say, not on, like, an outing thing, but, like, someone that I'm in. That I. That. That I'm monogamously dating is on a hookup site. Like that.

[Arcia Stokes]

I would tell you. Yes, I would. You should know.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, I get that. And. But that was.

[Arcia Stokes]

That.

[Monet X Change]

That was my dilemma because the person clearly was an out. So I'm like, I want to tell you on account of, yo, you guys are like boyfriend and girlfriend, and you guys are, like, monogamous, like. Cause the concept of open was not even a thing back then. Like, that. That's not a thing. So I was like, I want to tell her on account of, like, your boyfriend that you are think. Or you're just only with him is clearly me hooking up with other people. But I had my internal struggle of I'm in the closet, and I know if I tell you that that means I'm outing him. So it was kind of like both.

[Arcia Stokes]

It's not like you're outing him, putting it on social media, telling the entire campus. But I'm actively in a relationship with him.

[Monet X Change]

I know.

[Arcia Stokes]

And so at the very least, you could have gave me a heads up.

[Monet X Change]

Can y'.

[Arcia Stokes]

All.

[Jacob]

Can y' all comment below what she had?

[Monet X Change]

No, I'm gonna say, can y' all comment below what y' all would have done in that situation? I still think about, like, I still think about, like, what? And even today, realty talking to you, I don't know what the right answer is. I'm still like, I don't know.

[Arcia Stokes]

I ask you that. So thinking back now, do you feel like you would've done anything differently?

[Monet X Change]

I don't. I still don't know. I still struggle with it. I really do.

[Arcia Stokes]

Yeah. I truly question our friendship at this point. I Believe that.

[Monet X Change]

I just feel better.

[Arcia Stokes]

That's like, if you and. Okay, continue.

[Monet X Change]

What you can say. You can say it.

[Arcia Stokes]

That's like, if you and Andy are in a relationship and I see Andy on Grindr, and you guys are in a closed, monogamous relationship, why wouldn't I tell you as my best friend?

[Monet X Change]

I know. I know.

[Arcia Stokes]

Rcl, if you found out. If you found out that I knew and didn't tell you, you would be furious.

[Monet X Change]

I would be very mad. Yes, you're correct. Absolutely.

[Arcia Stokes]

Okay, so then why wouldn't you give me that same courtesy?

[Monet X Change]

Because he is not gay. I mean, he would.

[Arcia Stokes]

It was like, clearly he was.

[Monet X Change]

If he was on Grindr, but we're already a gay relationship is what I'm saying. Jacob, do you understand what I'm saying?

[Arcia Stokes]

Jacob?

[Monet X Change]

Jacob, what would you do?

[Jacob]

I. I would just let it be. But I probably also wouldn't tell anybody else.

[Arcia Stokes]

Like, why did you tell the.

[Monet X Change]

Why? Because we. Because I had to tell somebody that. I had to. Because I was gagged. I was like, oh, my God. Later, come to find out, honey. They was tiptoeing around the. Around the other. Other guy. Girl, it was a. It was such messy drama. I cannot. It was so messy.

[Jacob]

Wait, Arcia, how did you find out about.

[Monet X Change]

Oh, yeah, how did you find out?

[Arcia Stokes]

Years later, dejuan told me.

[Monet X Change]

Oh, years later.

[Arcia Stokes]

And I asked dejuan, I said, well, dejuan, why didn't you tell me?

[Advertisement Voice]

Then?

[Arcia Stokes]

He was like, because, rc, I knew that if I would have told you, it wouldn't have changed anything. You would have still stayed with him, and I would have had to fight him in the dorm. He was like, I would have had to fight him in a dorm hallway just for telling you.

[Monet X Change]

Now, y', all, that is a very important distinction because Arcia would have would. She would rather fight you and beat you up about. And she would have stayed in their relationship. Everything I told her. So that was.

[Arcia Stokes]

But here's my thing. It's your job as my best friend to give me that information. And what I decide to do with that information is then now my business. You understand? So if I stayed with him, left him, beat him up on camp, either way, you did your job and you told me, and that was on me, and you missed that.

[Monet X Change]

But that me and him would have. Would not be cool and you cool with him.

[Arcia Stokes]

Y' all wasn't even cool anyway.

[Monet X Change]

We wasn't. But we were cordial. Like, we were in the same.

[Arcia Stokes]

No, he would have just been mad at himself for not telling Me, that's all. That's how that go. Yeah, but you know, we passed that now, you know, I need to make me talk to my therapist about it because it just brought up emotion. I got a session on Monday.

[Monet X Change]

Oh my God. You've been to therapy for a while. I think. I think I'm gonna get a therapist.

[Arcia Stokes]

I think you should. I think everyone should get a therapist. It's great to have someone to talk to. Most people don't seek out, let me not say most people, but there are some people who do not seek out therapy until they're in a crisis. And so I suggest I look at it as being preventative care. Right. Like here. Therapy provides you with the tools you need to kind of navigate through this crazy ass world. And I think I'm a better person because of therapy. I'm not perfect, but I am. I'm better equipped to handle life, I feel.

[Monet X Change]

So you're about to be 34, 35 years old.

[Arcia Stokes]

I'm not about to be 35. I'm about to be 34.

[Monet X Change]

34. Sorry. 34 years old and you want to have. You're gonna be a doctor 34 years old. That's kind of wild.

[Arcia Stokes]

That is crazy. That is crazy.

[Monet X Change]

Look ahead. Go ahead.

[Arcia Stokes]

That is crazy. And you know, I'm getting ready to defend my dissertation and it's been so much work and everyone keeps asking me, like, what are you gonna do after you get this doctorate? And I'm like, honey, I wanna be in entertainment. I really just got it because it was a full ride. I don't know what I wanna do with it. I don't even know if I'll ever use it. But I want, you know, one thing people can't take away from you is your education. Right? You can be in an industry and somebody say, oh, you're too fat or you're not cute enough, but no one can ever take your education away from you. So once I graduate with my doctorate, I'm still going to try to, you know, act and do my thing. But, you know, it was important for me to complete my education and I always wanted to complete it with a doctorate. So I joined the 2% because only 2% of people in the world actually hold are holders of doctorate degrees. Look it up.

[Monet X Change]

Is that, is that, is that. Are you sure about that statistic? That sounds really, really funny.

[Arcia Stokes]

Have Jacob fact check. Yes, I'm sure.

[Monet X Change]

Jacob, can you fact check that, please?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Arcia Stokes]

What's the percentage of people who hold doctorate degrees?

[Monet X Change]

I'm gonna say it's more like 8%.

[Arcia Stokes]

Okay. Unless it went up this yesterday, then it was 2%.

[Monet X Change]

Wait, so what, do you defend it? So that means it's a room of people and you just, like, talk about your research.

[Arcia Stokes]

So the way it works is, so in order to graduate your doctorate, you have to a take all of your coursework, your classes. After you complete your classes, you have to write a dissertation. So essentially, a dissertation is a body of work where you identify a problem or malpractice, and then you come up with research that supports that this is an actual problem. And then you do research to figure out how you can fix the problem. And so it's a five chapter document. And it's just a lot of work, a lot of research, a lot of interviews. It's just a lot. So I defend mine. Actually, next week, work. And my topic is the experience of Black students at PWIs versus those at HBCUs and how to bridge the gap.

[Monet X Change]

Predominantly white institutions and historically black colleges, correct?

[Arcia Stokes]

Correct. Correct.

[Monet X Change]

Jacob, how much is it?

[Jacob]

Less than 2% of the world's population has a doctorate. According to the U.S. census Bureau, only 1.2% of the U.S. population as a PhD.

[Monet X Change]

Wow. I get it. Congratulations. Stokes, I have a question for you.

[Arcia Stokes]

Are you coming to my graduation?

[Monet X Change]

It's next May. I mean, I hope so.

[Arcia Stokes]

I gave you the date, Sweets.

[Monet X Change]

I know, but Arcia, like, let's say something. This is something Arcia and I had a little tip over recently of her not feeling supported by me, even though I try my best to support Arcia as best as I can from a distance. Because we don't live in the same or close to each other anymore.

[Arcia Stokes]

Absolutely.

[Monet X Change]

But we, We. We got that together. I gather her like a ponytail, honey.

[Arcia Stokes]

I gathered you like a ponytail. Okay.

[Monet X Change]

Do you.

[Arcia Stokes]

If you had binoculars, you couldn't see me. Okay,

[Monet X Change]

so we went to pwi, a predominantly white institution. Do you. Is there any part of you that was like, man, I should have went to hbcu? Do you feel like that ever?

[Arcia Stokes]

I wish that I had the HBCU experience. I really wish I had that experience. Just to have four years of being around people who look like me, who understand my cultural customs, who understand identity. You know, I wish I had that. I feel like my freshman year at Westman, at Rider, I just was trying to find my stride, trying to find my way. Because, you know, to be frank, I didn't always feel like I fit in certain spaces in that school. I don't feel like people understood my. My. Who I was. My Cultural customs and just. It was just hard for me. And then I think by the time sophomore year came, I was like, I don't give a damn. Y' all gonna get this blackness. And it just is what it is.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, it definitely was a lot of that there. Westminster, again, great school. But there was. There were. There was a lot of. Obviously looking back with, like, a 2023 lens and, like, all the knowledge that I have now, there was so much microaggressive behavior that I didn't realize was happening. And I was entertaining and not speaking up and saying shit because I didn't want to be that token black kid. But there was so much of that going on and just didn't even realize,

[Arcia Stokes]

oh, baby, I was a token. If I didn't like something. I remember one time I had a conversation with the president of the campus, like, because it was a comment made to another black student on campus. And I was like, this is unacceptable. If I have to have. What's his name? Not Johnny Cochran. What's the other one? Al Sharpton will be on this campus tomorrow. If y' all don't figure it out, I'm not playing.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, yeah, for sure. But. But also, Arzia, we would be completely different people if we did not go to Westminster. That's the part two. But again, maybe I would have been a whole different person for a good set of reasons if I went to hbcu. Like, you never fucking know. Like, I wish there was a way to kind of. Like there was. Like, there's like, some type of app or some invention someone's gonna make that you can see what your life would have been had you done xyz. Like, I'm so curious to see what my life would have been if I went to an hbcu. Like, how different would I have been?

[Arcia Stokes]

I already know how my life would have. How my life would have been. Honey, if I would have went to an hbcu, I probably would have been pregnant. And I'm gonna tell you why. Because there's some fine black ass men at them HBCUs, honey. And I probably would have been pregnant. Or I think that would have been the only downshift of me going. But I think I would have had a much better college experience. When you think about homecoming, like, our school did a homecoming. But what was that? What truly was that?

[Monet X Change]

So. Yo, I'm sorry, y'.

[Jacob]

All.

[Monet X Change]

The mayor, the caucasity at our school was just so. I mean, overtly. Just Caucasianly. Just bad. Yeah, no offense to y' all who Are of the Caucasian variety because we love all people. Our school was just. Just white. I mean, like. I mean, like, green bean casserole with mayonnaise white. Just, like. I mean, potato salad with raisins and walnuts.

[Arcia Stokes]

Like, just ate, like, pumpkin pie. Okay.

[Monet X Change]

Pumpkin, pumpkin, spice, white in this boy.

[Arcia Stokes]

But one thing I enjoy, though, even though there was a small community of black people, I feel like we together enhanced our collegiate experience, so we made our own fun. So I think that was really. That was an anchor for me in undergrad.

[Monet X Change]

I agree. Do you know who I was obsessed with in college? He was one of your friends, Arcia used to. Cause. Arcia. Oh, Garcia is an aka Oh. I want to ask you two things. I want to talk to you about our season. AKA

[Arcia Stokes]

Black Sorority. Okay. Founded in 1908 at Howard University. Thank you.

[Monet X Change]

Well, you heard, which we can probably talk about. So we're gonna do part one on our podcast and we're gonna continue part two on our seed podcast. Because I wanna talk about. You heard about that story with that little girl wearing the AKA shirt?

[Arcia Stokes]

I did hear about that. Someone actually texted me about that, asking me what I would do and what

[Jacob]

I thought about it.

[Monet X Change]

Okay, well, we'll say that. We'll continue that conversation of yours, but I was gonna say. So R.C. used to hang out. So Westminster Choir College. We were at the music school of Rider University, and their campus was, like, 20 minutes away. So RC used to hang out there a lot because she had a lot of friends there from high school and stuff like that. And she used to hang out with. There were a lot of cute boys at Ryder. A lot of cute black boys. And I used to be obsessed with that boy. His name was. I think his name was Reggie.

[Arcia Stokes]

It was a couple. Reggie. So I'm just trying to remember which

[Monet X Change]

one he was on the basketball team or he was in some type of athletic.

[Arcia Stokes]

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Reggie. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[Monet X Change]

I think he was so hot. Is he gay now?

[Arcia Stokes]

I don't know anything about that man's life right now. I don't know nothing about his life. Okay. I did hang out a lot on the main campus. I had a lot of friends there, and so I was involved in that campus. But also that campus had a lot more black people, so I felt more at home on that campus.

[Monet X Change]

So, yeah, Arcia also put me in honest. Arcia did my makeup for the first time, and I have the picture of it. So like I told y', all, also

[Arcia Stokes]

my screensaver, every time you call to keep you humble.

[Monet X Change]

Is it really my screensaver picture?

[Arcia Stokes]

I swear to you, it's your screensaver.

[Monet X Change]

You so damn rude. Let me show you what mine is. Is it. Mine of you is a picture of the Kool Aid man busting through.

[Arcia Stokes]

Mine of you is a picture of a ribeye. Of hamburgli.

[Monet X Change]

That's good, Betty.

[Arcia Stokes]

Anyway, okay, okay, you know what? Let me. Okay, Ham Hot Harry.

[Monet X Change]

So we had the drag ball at our school.

[Arcia Stokes]

Harriet, Whatever you want to do today,

[Monet X Change]

we had the drag ball at our school. So I was like.

[Arcia Stokes]

That's when we first met Peppermint.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, we met Peppermint. They used to bring. They brought Peppermint in from New York City. Cause our school was about, like two hours away from the city. And they brought it into the drag ball where all the freshmen a lot, predominantly freshmen, and like some sophomores here, and they would get up in drag and Peppermint would host a show. She would perform for us. We would do Runaways and shit like that. So I knew the drag ball was coming, but I was still straight, so I was trying to, like, act like. I was trying to act like. Yeah, like, I was like, give it up.

[Arcia Stokes]

We know it's okay. Living your truth.

[Monet X Change]

And R.C. was like, you should get in drag. I was like, nah, I don't want to get in drag. Meanwhile, I was like, bitch, I want to get in drag so bad. So I go to fucking Target. I get this fucking business lady outfit. I fucking get this wig from somewhere.

[Arcia Stokes]

Dingy, dusty wig.

[Monet X Change]

And Arcia did my makeup. This is the picture of Arcia did my makeup. It was so bad. It was terrible makeup.

[Arcia Stokes]

You really played with what I had. What I had.

[Monet X Change]

You played the fuck out of me with that makeup. It was disgusting.

[Arcia Stokes]

Let me tell you something. Kevin loved how he looked that day, okay? He couldn't get out the mirror twirling around. You had them Kayla shoes on, them K less pumps, them black ones. They were black. I'm like, sweetie, give it up. Jesus.

[Monet X Change]

Okay, so this is part one of this episode. Ertia, what is the name of your podcast so we can find the second episode?

[Arcia Stokes]

So the name of my podcast is A note from Stokes. My last name is Stokes. And you can find me on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, basically anywhere where podcasts are stream. You can find me a note from Stokes.

[Monet X Change]

Stokes is spelled S T O K E S. A note from Stokes.

[Arcia Stokes]

S T O K E S. Stokes.

[Monet X Change]

Yes. A note from Stokes. Succeed part two of a sibling rivalry. Xarcia. Well, Monet, xrc, because we've x bobbed.

[Jacob]

Is there any other social media or anything else you want to plug?

[Arcia Stokes]

Also, follow me. I'm on Instagram @rcastokes. That's a r c I a Stokes s t o K E S and come talk to me and let's have fun.