The One About Matteo's Comedy Special

Summary

Sibling Rivalry – "The One About Matteo's Comedy Special"

Episode Date: June 12, 2023
Guests: Matteo Lane
Hosts: Bob the Drag Queen, Monét X Change

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Episode Overview

This lively episode features Bob the Drag Queen and Monét X Change, joined by comedian Matteo Lane, to celebrate the release of Matteo’s self-produced comedy special "Hair Plugs and Heartache." The trio dives into candid conversations about the highs and lows of self-producing a comedy special, the realities of friendship, romance, and New York City living, and of course, the drama of drag and queer life. The conversation rapidly veers from heartfelt discussions to hysterical banter, delivering the signature chemistry and shade that Sibling Rivalry is known for.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Matteo Lane’s Comedy Special

[02:01-06:34]

• Title and Release: Matteo announces his special, "Hair Plugs and Heartache," which is self-produced and available on YouTube (June 11).
• Self-Production: Matteo discusses the risks and anxieties of financing and producing the special independently:

  “I paid for everything. I did it myself...I wanted to originally call it ‘Netflix Said No,’ but my manager shot that down.” — Matteo Lane [04:09]

• Importance of Feedback: The group reflects on honest critique versus empty praise during creative projects.

  “She gave me facts...You were talking way too fast for the first eight minutes...thank you for telling me.” — Matteo Lane about Comedy Cellar’s Liz [07:41]

• Changing Landscape: Bob notes that comedians today often self-release content:

  “It’s no longer yesteryear...You do it yourself. What people really want to know is, is it funny?” — Bob the Drag Queen [04:34]

2. Honest Friendship & Group Dynamics

[06:46-09:44]

• Who’s the ‘Liz’ in Your Life?
  The hosts tease each other about giving honest feedback:

  “Bob is the Liz of all of our lives.” — Matteo Lane [08:08]
  “I give people my honest feedback. I will never lie to someone about how they did on stage.” — Bob the Drag Queen [08:12]

• Comedy Special Logistics: Both Bob and Monet discuss their own taping experiences, with Bob shooting his specials twice, and Monet only once.

3. The Art of Friendly Shade

[14:23-15:38]

• The friends reminisce about their first brushes with sexuality and share wild stories from queer adolescence—with Matteo delivering a standout one-liner:

  “If you're not coming from the Pledge of Allegiance, you're not American.” — Matteo Lane [15:38]

• The conversation highlights the group’s comfort in blending deep talk with relentless comedy and roasting.

4. Romance in Matteo’s Life

[29:31-33:15]

• Matteo talks openly about rekindling romance, meeting his new boyfriend online, and flying him to New York:

  “The second I met him I literally thought, oh, this man’s gonna be in my life for very long.” — Matteo Lane [30:04]

• He praises clear communication and empathy in healthy relationships:

  "He was like, I know you’re an overthinker...so it’s best for me to over-explain." — Matteo Lane [31:07]

5. Airport Rankings & Travel Drama

[33:30-36:41]

• The trio gleefully debates the best and worst U.S. airports:
  • LAX comes in for especially harsh criticism.
  • LaGuardia (LGA) earns rare praise as a favorite.
  • The infamous Portland carpet is discussed hilariously:

    “It’s the mascot of Portland. It’s their pride and joy.” — Bob the Drag Queen [35:36]

6. New York City Living & Drag Memories

[36:41-39:45]

• Anecdotes about tiny, eccentric NYC apartments (literal electrifying showers, bathtubs in kitchens, and drag closets wall-to-wall).
• Monet’s stories about overzealous neighbors and getting put in Liza makeup by Monet at her Bronx apartment.

7. The Art of Lying & Friend Group Shenanigans

[28:07-31:54]

• Running jokes about Monet’s "creative relationship" with the truth:

  "Monet’s sense of humor is saying she’ll do something, and then you’re not sure if she meant it." — Matteo Lane [28:14]
  “Tag your favorite drag race girls...#monetbeelying.” — Bob the Drag Queen [29:00]

8. Musical Theater, School Days, and Choir Experiences

[45:29-49:52]

• The group waxes nostalgic about their high school days, choirs, and musical theater as queer kids. Matteo recounts being a low bass in choir (“skinny kid, one eyebrow, braces, and that’s what I sounded like” [46:17]).

9. Ridiculous Physics & Random Debates

[43:05-44:26]

• A sidetracked debate about why it’s windier at the top of skyscrapers, leading to comedic attempts at science.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Friendship:
  “A lot of joking, a lot of insulting others, calling them liars. A lot of bullying happens in our friend circle.” — Monet X Change [31:41]

• On Self-Production:
  “I wanted to originally call it ‘Netflix Said No.’” — Matteo Lane [04:09]

• On Unfiltered Romance:
  “A lot of pain on my left side...the doctor said it might be appendicitis but I think it’s love.” — Matteo Lane [29:49]

• On Airport Carpets:
  “Why the hell would you have carpet in an airport?” — Bob the Drag Queen [36:08]

• On Shade and Truth:
  “Monet, we know you’re a liar. That’s what we all know.” — Bob [27:59]

• On Comedy Specials:
  “If we get this to 20 million views, I will do my next special in my underwear.” — Matteo Lane [55:30]

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Important Timestamps

• [02:01] Matteo discusses "Hair Plugs and Heartache"
• [04:34] Shifting comedy special landscape, self-releasing vs. networks
• [07:41] Importance of honest, actionable critique
• [14:23] Humorous banter about queer adolescence and patriotism
• [15:38] “If you’re not coming from the Pledge of Allegiance, you’re not American.”
• [29:31] Matteo reveals his new relationship
• [33:53] Airport superlatives & the legend of Portland’s carpet
• [36:41] NYC apartment horror stories
• [43:05] Failed science: Why is it windier at the top?
• [46:01] Choir memories and high school identities
• [55:30] If Matteo’s special hits 20 million views, next special will be in his underwear

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Episode Tone & Signature Style

• Bickering & Banter: Classic Sibling Rivalry—shady, affectionate, and irreverent.
• Candid & Cackling: Comedians riff, roast, and switch from deep life moments to absurd bits with ease.
• Queer Friendship: Celebratory of queer chosen family, their struggles, and inside jokes.

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Closing

The episode is a whirlwind celebration—of comedy, friendship, resilience, and queerness. It’s as much about Mateo’s special as it is about why having a circle of honest, hilarious friends makes the journey infinitely more rewarding—and laugh-out-loud funny.

How to Watch Matteo Lane’s Special:
"Hair Plugs and Heartache" – Streaming free on Matteo Lane’s YouTube channel.

Final Challenge:
"If we get this to 20 million views, I will do my next special in my underwear!” — Matteo Lane [55:30]

Transcript

[Shannon Maldonado]

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[Bob the Drag Queen]

my name is Bob the Drag Queen.

[Monet X Change]

And I'm Monet x Change.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

And this is Sibling rivalry. On this week's episode, we discuss our favorite airports.

[Monet X Change]

We talk about Mateo Lane's new comedy special.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

And we find out what made Monet say this.

[Monet X Change]

So when you're in the shower, you cannot touch the metal because you would shock yourself. And we find out what made Mateo say this.

[Mateo Lane]

If you're not coming from the Pledge of Allegiance, you're not American. And we find out what made Bob say this.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Listen, low key, three bucks, two bags. One me is a bar.

[Monet X Change]

Oh, she has her earrings back in her ears.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I wear these earrings. I wear them sometimes. I wear them, you know, back and forth. Depends. I don't like that being there. I'll be cropped.

[Monet X Change]

Anyway, so today we are joined by our. Anyway me. Oh, my God.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Anyway yourself, bitch. Today we are joined by the wonderful comedian Mateo Lane, who has a brand new comedy special available for all of you to be stream on. Is it June 6th?

[Monet X Change]

Not January, not January 6th. This problematic.

[Podcast Host/Producer]

This podcast will come out the day after Mateo's special is released.

[Monet X Change]

Ooh, I just watched it. It's so good.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah, well, you've seen the hour. You actually, you really have watched it. June 11th called Hair Plugs and Heartache.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

June 11th. Yeah, you all get to heartache. Mateo is a really brilliant comedian. Ironically, we didn't meet through comedy. We met at. Through the gay bars.

[Mateo Lane]

We met outside a falafel cart after Pride.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That is true.

[Mateo Lane]

Almost. Almost 11 years ago.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Oh, my God.

[Monet X Change]

Mateo's one of the people. Mateo could really make any situation very funny. And I just love hearing Mateo talk about his life and his accounts, his opinion of things in my life. It's just always very funny. Yeah, your life is hilarious, Monet. By the way, I remember, like, Matteo. Did you come with us? Were you. Did you come with us to. When I was dating that guy and we. And we. I Think I know. Nick was there and he was in a wheelchair and we had lunch at.

[Mateo Lane]

At pickles. J.J. pickles or something.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Then we had ice cream.

[Monet X Change]

Jacob's Pickles. Yes.

[Mateo Lane]

Oh, I'll never. I'll never forget it. Monev. You were so nice though. You were very like, you were very motherly towards him.

[Monet X Change]

Like I was.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah, yeah. I remember we talked about him at a diner in Boston at 4 o' clock in the morning.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I mean, she was very nice. Everyone doesn't deserve all the nicest in the world. But you know what? Some people get it. I cannot get.

[Monet X Change]

What are you trying to get?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I don't want my hamper in the shot, but I can't.

[Monet X Change]

It's gonna be crossed.

[Mateo Lane]

I didn't notice it until you started pulling it.

[Podcast Host/Producer]

It's gonn be. It's going to be sectioned anyway. They're not going to see it.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I know, I just didn't want the hamper in the shot.

[Monet X Change]

But the Bob is talking. I just, you know, because she's the key in people.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yeah, let me do. I'm not, I'm not trying to dictate how you do your thing over in. Over in your. Your little home, honey.

[Monet X Change]

Okay, so. So the special comes out on say one more time, June 11th.

[Mateo Lane]

June 11th. Hair plugs and heartache on YouTube. Mateo Lane comedy. And yeah I. You guys have both seen the hour and very. Mitch came and saw it. Jacob's seen it. I'm. I'm slightly nervous, but I'm.

[Monet X Change]

Why?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

What are you nervous about?

[Podcast Host/Producer]

Love?

[Mateo Lane]

I don't know. You know, you just want people to watch it and receive it. Well, I guess it's all self produced.

[Shannon Maldonado]

All.

[Mateo Lane]

I paid for everything. I did it myself. So it's. I don't have like self original, self obsessed, self involved. Why I'm so obsessed with me. I wanted to originally call it Netflix said no, but my manager like isn't that funny? Matteo Lane? Netflix said no. My manager shot that down.

[Monet X Change]

Only because Netflix probably will say yes soon, which I guess maybe I would

[Mateo Lane]

say yes to them though.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Word, I think is honestly nowadays with comedy specials, people are releasing their own. Like it's no longer yesteryear. When you would wait for HBO or Netflix or someone to by your comedy special, you do it yourself. Also, I think we're realizing too that while a comedy special can get a lot of glitz and glamour and this and that, what people are really worried about is is it funny? What they really want to know is, is it going to be funny? I would much Rather watch a. A comedy special that was produced with maybe less than $400,000. If it doesn't have fireworks and stuff. If it's funny, if you add fireworks and sparkles, that'll make me laugh more.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, this is true, right?

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah, I agree. And I, you know, I've been working on this hour for the past three years, basically. So it was a nice kind of send off to my jokes. We did two recordings of it. You always do, like, two recordings of

[Monet X Change]

a. I wish I did that. I didn't get into that for mine.

[Mateo Lane]

Oh, no, no. Just did one through.

[Monet X Change]

Just as one through girl. And then at the end, they were like, do you want to do it? Take anything in, like, bitch.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I don't know.

[Monet X Change]

I just did it. I thought it was great.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I don't fucking know. Maybe. Maybe that. Maybe that was them being like, oh, maybe you want to fix this part? They're all like,

[Monet X Change]

no, it was the opposite. They were like, all putting a battery in my back. They were like, wow, that was great. You did such a great job. I was like, any pickups? And they're like, no, do you want to do anything again? I was like, I don't know. Y' all need to tell me. I don't fucking know. Just tell me.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Is it a New York thing? Is that a New York.

[Mateo Lane]

Actually, you know what that is in your. The first. The first set that I did, I knew that I was talking too fast because I was nervous, and I got off stage and everybody was like, oh, my God, great job. Blah, blah, blah. And I was like, no, it wasn't. And finally Liz, the manager of the comedy seller, came up to me. She goes, what the fuck is wrong with you? See, I go, what? She goes, you're talking way too fucking fast. The first eight minutes I recorded it too fucking fast. Slow the fuck down. And I was like, thank you for telling me.

[Monet X Change]

That's what I need. You said, what's wrong with you?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You're a bad person. You went too fast. Never work here again. Quit comedy.

[Monet X Change]

Everyone needs a Liz. And everyone needs a Liz in their life. I love having a Liz. A Liz is very important. Patty is normally my Liz, but Patty was. Patty was not available that weekend. Patty had some stuff going on. So I. Spill it. Spill it, Bob. Inappropriate. Spill it.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

What was Patty doing?

[Monet X Change]

Where's the wife? Patty's mom passed away. It was her funeral that weekend.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Monet. Why would you just have.

[Mateo Lane]

You didn't pick up on that, Bob, when said I did. Monet.

[Monet X Change]

Thank you, Mateo. I had many Context clues.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

First of all, Monet is the queen of randomly being like, I can't do this for other random reasons. Monet's the queen. I don't. I have a thing. We found out. It was just. She got her ears pierced.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Now that Monet dropped that bomb. But what do you want to say that's funny?

[Mateo Lane]

Wait, what Jacob was saying? What did you say?

[Shannon Maldonado]

Jacob?

[Podcast Host/Producer]

So, but for you, where's the line between Liz being, like, giving you feedback that's helpful and, like, not gonna devastate you? Because I could also see that, like, somebody, like, everyone telling you good things, and then somebody's like, no, no, no.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That was terrible.

[Podcast Host/Producer]

That would be a downer.

[Mateo Lane]

Well, because she gave me facts. She was like, I timed it. You only did 42 minutes. That's not long enough. You were talking way too fast for the first eight minutes. You have to, like. She was giving me specifics, which were. I did not take as insults. I took it as a critique, and I improved on it because the second show I did, I was so relaxed, took my time, and that's the one that we ended up keeping.

[Monet X Change]

I love that. That's. I think, Bob, do you like having a Liz in your life, or you would just want. Yes, man. How do you feel?

[Mateo Lane]

I think Bob is the Liz of all of our lives.

[Monet X Change]

Bob is the Liz of the universe.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I think that. I do think that I give people my honest feedback. I will never lie to someone about how I feel about how they did on stage. And I think that I surround myself with a team of people who make sure that they feel like I'm putting out quality work. I. You know, I've done a few. We've all done comedy specials here. My first special, my. I think I shot each of my specials twice. Yeah, I shot. Yeah, yeah. I shot both my specials twice.

[Monet X Change]

Really? All three of them?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

All three of them, yeah. I have one coming out, too, by the way, for my birthday, and I've

[Mateo Lane]

seen it, and it's fucking hilarious.

[Monet X Change]

Oh, so you ain't saying you only said it to Mateo?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Okay, I don't want to see it. Have you. And you're not getting.

[Monet X Change]

Yes. I literally. I literally played. I literally played a bunch of music.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Have you sent me any music?

[Monet X Change]

You heard it. What's the point? What's the difference?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Then I'll show it to you in person when you send me something. I'll send you something.

[Monet X Change]

Thank you.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I don't.

[Monet X Change]

I don't want to see it.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I didn't offer.

[Podcast Host/Producer]

Thank you, Monet.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Special No.

[Monet X Change]

And I sent it to him. I sent it to you to watch and you never. You are a liar. And I will find a receipt and post it. I did send it to you.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

We'll see.

[Monet X Change]

Anyway.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Anyway, like I was saying. Anyway, I have a special coming out on June 22nd, my birthday. If you all want to go, it'll be available exclusively on our Patreon. And if you want to come support, you can go see my special there. But, yeah, I always shoot twice. You always want to shoot yours. I love that we're as if we're giving advice to people who are gonna be shooting special. Maybe someone will. Most of our listeners probably will not be shooting comedy specials, but I do think that if you're gonna shoot one, you should definitely shoot it twice.

[Monet X Change]

Sorry. I know it looks like I'm jerking myself off. I'm just. It's so hot in my home. I'm fanning myself, and I'm so. I feel like I'm going through menopause.

[Mateo Lane]

Do you not have air conditioning on?

[Monet X Change]

Our AC broke yesterday morning. I'm fanning myself. I'm just so hot.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Do you have a fan? Like, an actual fan so you don't have to listen to your jerk?

[Monet X Change]

It's going to be too loud.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Do you think that what you were doing was silent? Was that giving silence first? It is distracting. So not only was it audibly distracting, you're fucking doing this. So we're hearing, and you're like, I don't want to put a fan. That would just be too much.

[Monet X Change]

Okay, I could do this quieter now.

[Mateo Lane]

I've never heard of slapping my leg to cool me down.

[Monet X Change]

No, the paper is hitting my leg is what you're hearing.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Monique, just pause and get a fan. Just put a fan. We don't have a fan.

[Monet X Change]

Who has fans?

[Mateo Lane]

Not a fan.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Everyone has fans in their homes.

[Monet X Change]

Me, who has a fan, I have a fan, but he's asleep and he's sleeping.

[Mateo Lane]

Monet is so extreme. It's either air conditioning or nothing.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Monet's like, either shut the windows or I will fan myself with the manual that came with my printer.

[Monet X Change]

Actually, what is this? This is Take parties goals. It's something.

[Mateo Lane]

Is that Yogurt for Dummies? What is that? Why does it look like it's something? Doesn't it look like those dummies books?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Why don't you have. Why don't you have a fan in your house?

[Mateo Lane]

I don't know.

[Monet X Change]

Oh, my God. Remember, they would make those books about everything. It was like, how to Put on a Light for Dummies. The dummy books got out of control.

[Mateo Lane]

You remember that? And so was the Teenage Soup. The Teenage Soup and dummy books can all burn in hell. Teenage Soup?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

No, Chicken Soup. Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soup.

[Monet X Change]

For the Teen Soup. Oh my God.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That's what it was.

[Mateo Lane]

If your son was buying that in the 90s.

[Monet X Change]

Gay, gay, gay. Also the one. It was like seven habits for highly something teenagers or whatever it was. That one too.

[Mateo Lane]

I don't remember that one.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I came across a copy of Chicken Soup, but I did. I own one. I don't know. There was a period of my life, for some reason why I was really into self help books as like a teenager. As if I was like getting my life together. I was fully 13, being like, I need to get it together, honey. And then.

[Mateo Lane]

And you applied none of it in your early 20s?

[Monet X Change]

Literally zero.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I also was really big into fitness magazines when I was younger because the guy who lived in my home. But, yeah, let's just say I was fanning himself. Yeah, let's just say I was fanning myself a lot back in the day.

[Monet X Change]

Wait, what? I don't get it. Wait, you're buying fitness magazines to jerk off to them?

[Mateo Lane]

No, Monet.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Anyways, what happened was the guy who lived in the house before me had a men's fitness magazine. A Men's fitness subscription. And then my mom was like, we should stop this and said, no, no, no, we should. We need to keep these.

[Monet X Change]

I. I'm gonna get fit.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I'm gonna go in the room alone and.

[Mateo Lane]

And just. Your right forearm got fit.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, exactly. I guess, I guess I just.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Men.

[Mateo Lane]

What? It was the 90s. We didn't have anything else to say.

[Monet X Change]

I mean, I was a kid in the 90s. We had. I told you, the first porn I saw was White Boy Stomp and me and my friend bleed. Ricardo.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Sorry. Men's fitness is in hardcore enough as White Boy Stomp. Now. All of us had access to glory holes in a white boy stump.

[Monet X Change]

Ricardo.

[Mateo Lane]

Sorry, I didn't have anal fever at hand, okay?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Some of us only had the fucking underwear aisle at Walmart.

[Monet X Change]

Monet. Really?

[Mateo Lane]

That catalog came in.

[Monet X Change]

Well, you should have been born in New York. First of all, mate, you from Chicago. I know they have porno swords that you can get shit from in Chicago. Not no men's fitness.

[Mateo Lane]

Hell, I was like seven. What was I gonna do? Like stand on my friend's shoulders and put on a trench coat and walk

[Monet X Change]

and be like, hello, wait, you first. You. The first time you Jerked off was seven.

[Mateo Lane]

No, I'm just saying I was young. I was probably, like, 13 when I grabbed a men's fit because they used to have. Outside of Jewel Osco. This is so Chicago. Outside of Juul, they had, like, free magazines. It's a grocery store in Chicago. So Jewel Osco, you can count on people who care. And I would often. What is popping up right now, Jacob?

[Monet X Change]

Gangland.

[Mateo Lane]

Gangland. White boys.

[Monet X Change]

No, it was a gay porn.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

It was.

[Monet X Change]

It came. It was. It was a. It was a blue VHS with a neon sticker on it that said White Boy Stomp.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That's the reunion. That's the reunion. We're all waiting for Monet and the cast of White Boy Stomp.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah, you should let them know how much they influenced your life.

[Monet X Change]

Wait, so Bob. So mate was 13. Bob, when did you first masturbate? Do you remember?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I mean, the first time that I. Like, with my hand or, like, first time I made myself come. I remember rubbing my dick on the desk during the Pledge of Allegiance in, like, third grade and coming.

[Mateo Lane]

Really? Wait, not. You can't come in third grade.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Speak for yourself. First of all, I was the. I was fully my height by the time I was in seventh grade.

[Mateo Lane]

So you were just held back. You're admitting it now.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I had pork chop sideburn by the time I was in sixth grade. I just advanced a little bit faster than something.

[Mateo Lane]

I've had a mustache since I was 7.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

So I just remember standing, doing the Pledge of Allegiance and rubbing my dick on the desk.

[Mateo Lane]

And just colonialism and the patriarchy get you hard.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

And that's how. That's how I came. And I was. Every day, I was like, let me tell you something, baby. I pledge my allegiance. Honey, listen.

[Mateo Lane]

You were saluting your flag.

[Monet X Change]

I was like, here's the problem.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Y' all are not patriotic enough in this room. Y' all don't want to stand up.

[Monet X Change]

I stand up for the Pledge of Allegiance.

[Mateo Lane]

If you're not coming from the Pledge of Allegiance, you're not American.

[Monet X Change]

Y' all finished? Bob is like, I think we should do it one more time. I think we did it one more time.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I was like. I was like, bitch. And talk about bombs bursting in air.

[Monet X Change]

How about the bums bursting in my pants? Let's take a little break, and we'll talk more about Bob pledging the allegiance.

[Mateo Lane]

Close your eyes.

[Ad Voice]

Exhale.

[Mateo Lane]

Feel your body relax. And let go of whatever you're carrying today.

[Ad Voice]

Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new Contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh, my gosh. They're so fast.

[Mateo Lane]

And breathe.

[Ad Voice]

Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste.

[Monet X Change]

Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

1-800-contacts. And the Rock gets red. Wait, Mateo, do you know the national anthem by heart?

[Mateo Lane]

Yes, Moneta.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You without looking.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, I remember by heart, for sure.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Okay.

[Monet X Change]

Mateo, do you know the black national anthem by heart?

[Mateo Lane]

I do not know by heart. You might be surprised, Monet, but I'm not black.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Well, Jacob saying Wade in the Water. Jacob knows Wade in the Water.

[Monet X Change]

Jacob and Jacob.

[Mateo Lane]

I know Wade in the Water. Why do you know Wade in the Water, Jacob?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Wait, what?

[Monet X Change]

Why do you know Wade in the Water?

[Mateo Lane]

No, me, I think I know it from.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I think Jacob.

[Mateo Lane]

I really relate, Jacob.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Why? Why?

[Podcast Host/Producer]

You know?

[Mateo Lane]

Well, it's a little more surprising that Jacob knows Wade in the Water than me.

[Monet X Change]

Jinx knows it, too. Jinx sang it all throughout her tenure in middle school.

[Mateo Lane]

My friend Christy Cello, who's a really funny comic. If you guys don't know her, you should have her on. She's so funny. She was like, I was in an all white production of the Wiz. Why did they do it? Yeah, she was like, I was in

[Bob the Drag Queen]

a production of Once on this Island. By the way, I did not even go to an all. I went to. I'm from. I'm from. I went to Iceland in Black county, but the white kids hide in the theater departments. So I did a production. I did a production of what's on this Island. And all the gods were white.

[Monet X Change]

No, Ti Moune was black.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Everyone was. It was. The dancers were black.

[Monet X Change]

Timun was black.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Monet, I'm telling you. Not to mention today I just randomly got a picture of myself in a production of Annie where I played Franklin Delano Roosevelt. My friend Summer just randomly texts me a picture of me as Franklin, as FDR and Annie. Say again?

[Monet X Change]

So we can see it also. So that Jacob.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yeah, that's what I'm doing. I'm sending to Jacob. Yeah, this.

[Mateo Lane]

I don't know that I like Annie. There, I said it.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

And he's a good musical.

[Monet X Change]

I never seen it. I've only seen the movie. The movie with. With Carol Burnett. That's all.

[Mateo Lane]

I like Carol Burnett a lot, but it was like a plucky thinning redhead girl who was just, like, kind of annoying. Didn't seem likable. I Didn't understand why this whole mansion was obsessed with her.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Are you describing.

[Monet X Change]

You better drag Patty.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Are you describing Patty at the Belvedere in Fire island? Or are you talking about Annie?

[Monet X Change]

You better drag Patty.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Everyone's obsessing Patty at the Beverage and Bread and Fire island girl. What's going on?

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, I've only seen the movie. I never saw any of the remakes of it, but, I mean, I think it has something. Jacob. I mean. Yeah. Do you not. Do you like any of the songs from it? Mateo?

[Mateo Lane]

I like maybe Far Away.

[Monet X Change]

Such a good, beautiful melody.

[Mateo Lane]

I know. I just don't like that. I don't like kids in movies. I find it annoying.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Easy street is a great song.

[Mateo Lane]

Easy Street, Easy Street. I hate the song. In the movie, we got Annie.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That's not the.

[Mateo Lane]

Who's going Annie? I know that one from the movie.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

There's also NYC. Just got here this morning.

[Mateo Lane]

3 bucks, NY, 2 bags, 1 me.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I think 3 bucks, 2 bags. Listen, low key. 3 bucks, 2 bags, 1 me is a bar.

[Monet X Change]

3 bucks, 2 bags, one me.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah, they have a whole compilation online of, like, the best NYC, and it's just like, 40 minutes of, like, NYC. See, it's like the most extreme sounding woman.

[Monet X Change]

Well, that's. That. That's literally what. Isn't that Blair's interest line? Bob? Jacob, show the picture.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Show the picture. Jacob will not show this picture.

[Mateo Lane]

Three pictures.

[Monet X Change]

Jacob hates this picture.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

We are begging. Oh, can I tell y' all something about Mateo? We had this group thread that we were using. This is me and Annie.

[Monet X Change]

Oh, my God, you're so funny. The most shocking part about this is

[Mateo Lane]

I didn't know he was gay.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

So, wait, what was I just talking about? There's something I wanted to talk about.

[Monet X Change]

Mateo. A group chat.

[Podcast Host/Producer]

Mateo.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Okay, so we.

[Shannon Maldonado]

All right.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

We don't need to picture that. So there was this moment where we were all, like, communicating and calling each other on video call through Facebook.

[Monet X Change]

Because timeout. We were. We had to do that because some of us don't have iPhones. So we had to do it.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yeah, several of us. Me, Jacob and Nick don't have iPhones. No.

[Monet X Change]

Okay, I just said shut the fuck up.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That you were trying to be cute. Listen, I will never let you be cute around me.

[Monet X Change]

You will never let me. Some of us can't afford iPhones, so we had to do on Facebook, which was fine. Go ahead.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yeah, you. You will never get to be cute around me. You think your elite capitalism is hilarious? Bitch, shut the hell up.

[Mateo Lane]

Bob, you have an iPhone. You showed it to me two days ago at dinner.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I never said.

[Monet X Change]

I'm so proud of it, too. He's like, He's.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I never said I don't have an iPhone.

[Monet X Change]

Bob presents it like. Like, guys, guess what? I have an iPhone now.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Because you're the one who was gagging. Anyway, what I was getting at is this. We all. Because we don't all have iPhones. We were like, we need to get a group messaging system so we can all message. We all have Facebook. And they were like, mateo, you need to join the Facebook. Matteo's like, well, I don't want a Facebook. No, no, no. It's just for. It's just for chatting. He's like, but I don't want a Facebook. Like, no, no, no. We don't want you to. Like, we don't want you to post or be or. All we want you to do is just join this group chat. And Mateo's like, I'm not doing that. So then Jacob made a Facebook account for Mateo and then sent it to Mateo. Mateo then logged in and. And then about two weeks later, we were like, mateo, come to the day. He goes, I deleted it. He goes, I just don't want a Facebook. We're like, mateo, we're not trying to make you use Facebook. We just want to talk to you.

[Podcast Host/Producer]

Also, to be clear, it wasn't a Facebook with his. I didn't make a Mateo Lane Facebook. I made a second Jacob Ritz Facebook

[Bob the Drag Queen]

and sent it to me. I don't remember you. There were always two Ritz. Two Jacob Ritz's in the.

[Monet X Change]

In the chat, you know, so I haven't been on Facebook in years. I mean, I have my fan page, whatever, but not like my. Like, one that I used to use a lot. And just yesterday I was like, you know, I miss Facebook. I'm going to try to come back to Facebook and talking to people more if it does, like, a different sign.

[Mateo Lane]

You're getting old.

[Monet X Change]

No. That means I'm getting younger.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

No. Monet? No.

[Mateo Lane]

Because, like, you know, I really. I really miss LiveJournal, so I think I'm going back. Anyone use Zynga?

[Monet X Change]

Have you ever thought of journaling? Do you journal, Matteo?

[Mateo Lane]

No, I think it's. I'm not.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

No. What am I, Sarah Jessica Parker and Six?

[Monet X Change]

Yeah.

[Mateo Lane]

I just alone at home with my thoughts, like. And then, like, there's nothing gay, but I just.

[Monet X Change]

I have such a bad memory. And, like, I was like, I need to start, like, writing things down or else I'm gonna Forget. Like, I think when I get older I'm definitely gonna lose my memory. I'm gonna have to.

[Mateo Lane]

Is that journaling or just a list on your grocery store?

[Monet X Change]

Like list.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

If you ever go to Layla McQueen's home, Layla McQueen has post its everywhere in her house. Like memento. It's really kind of insane. Poses on everything, everywhere. All. It's like. It's like grab a chicken, turn the TV off, click the light switch, make two coats on. On basically every service. It is wild.

[Mateo Lane]

Well, I'm like that with my alarms on. My alarms on my phone. It's just like eight alarms for waking up. I like that.

[Monet X Change]

Fucking Andy does that. Andy, if he needs to wake up at 7:30, he has alarm every five minutes starting at 7:00'.

[Podcast Host/Producer]

Clock.

[Monet X Change]

And I have to like put the alarm of.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Just get up.

[Monet X Change]

Just get up.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Well, I just do a snooze. You don't have to keep setting me if you just hit snooze. I just do I have a. I have a one or two snooze max. I mean maybe I'll reach three, but usually, usually when it rings, I just kind of just get up and just slog around.

[Monet X Change]

Oh, Mateo, I would kill you.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

What do you mean killing him? You have someone in your home doing it.

[Monet X Change]

I know. And we. We literally.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yeah, I could never.

[Mateo Lane]

You're right.

[Monet X Change]

I'm not. I'm not going to physically, I mean, I'm not going to kill Mateo. But it does. It does cause arguments and a lot of fighting.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Well, can I say something?

[Mateo Lane]

I'm just saying Monet's temper is real short because he is sweating.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

One of my goals, once I start making a little bit more money is And I'm going to pitch this Jacob here on the podcast. We got to get some separate rooms. We got to invest in sleeping in different rooms. And here's why. When I come home, I go to sleep later than Jacob usually. And I. When I'm traveling, I wake up before Jacob, but Jacob sleeps in a.

[Podcast Host/Producer]

It.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Not a sound, not a peep, not a swing of light.

[Monet X Change]

Really not a bright. Is that you too, Mateo?

[Mateo Lane]

I'm the exact same way. When I sleep, I'm out.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

So I'm in. I'm in my room trying to like find like clothes, but in darkness. But in the darkness. You know how when you go to airport, we have a 6am flight monetary. I can't find shit. I'm trying to.

[Monet X Change]

I'm.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I'm tipping the toe in like I'm in a fucking cartoon and shit. While Jacob's over there dreaming about whatever he's dreaming about in the closet with my. Fucking. With my phone. This is crazy. I think myself is. Jacob was in his room. I was in my room. This would just be so much easier.

[Monet X Change]

So that is like a big thing now. Like, a lot of celebrities, they were like, yeah, me and my. Not again, a lot. I've seen a few celebrities, but, like, yeah, me and my. Me and my husband. Me, we're married, but we have separate. We have separate apartments or like, they have separate bedrooms. That's like. That's like a thing that's becoming more. More common.

[Mateo Lane]

I guess it's like. I guess it's also about, like, how comfortable you sleep next to someone, too. I mean, I'm like, you, Jacob. I sleep. I basically pass away. You don't. There's no sign of life until the morning.

[Monet X Change]

He's a light. Jacob is a light sleeper. So Bob can't do anything.

[Mateo Lane]

Oh, Bob. Okay, then I'm like, you.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

My Jacob wakes up if I have a dream. If I have a dream, Jacob wakes up.

[Mateo Lane]

My boyfriend and I, when we sleep next to each other, he talks in his sleep. He's like. He sleeps and he's like, I promise, I'm sorry, but I might talk when I sleep. And then all of a sudden, Milani is like,

[Monet X Change]

you know, incantations.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

What's funny?

[Mateo Lane]

Spanish.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

What's funny when he speaks in his dreams, he doesn't have an accent. He's like. He's like, I am sorry, but when I sleep, he's like, no. This morning on the nasdaq, there was.

[Mateo Lane]

How now? Brown cow.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yeah. All of the money. Seems like my word. What are you doing over there, darling? Yeah, Mateo.

[Monet X Change]

I mean. I mean, I'm a light sleeper, but I. But. But I can, like, sleep. Like, I like. I like sounds when I'm. When I'm going to sleep, though. I like, you know, Monet likes to

[Bob the Drag Queen]

do when she sleeps. Slob. When I tell you, Monet, that is not true.

[Monet X Change]

You never seen me. What do you see me sleep?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Monet, I've seen you sleep several times.

[Monet X Change]

Well, tell me.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I've seen you sleep on the bus. When I've seen. I've seen you sleep on planes. I've known you for.

[Monet X Change]

Time out. How you see you sleep. How you sleep and sleep on the bus in my own cubby.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I've seen you sleep on planes. I've seen you fall asleep just a running. I have known you for almost 12 years. I've seen you.

[Monet X Change]

I want to See proof of this slobbing because you are a liar. Late.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

We've already cleared up on the podcast that you slob.

[Monet X Change]

Everyone knows I have drooled before. Yes, we've all drooled. Mateo, has you drooled. No, you'd be slobbering.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Drooling. Drool is like a little shine slop. Your mouth be wet, you be looking glazed like a Krispy Kreme donut. Yeah.

[Monet X Change]

You're such a liar. You're such a liar.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Bring Andy in from another room. And unless he has taking a nap. Convenient.

[Mateo Lane]

Anyway, go see if he's slobbering and let us know.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

We all know when they be slobbering.

[Monet X Change]

Such a liar. But, Mateo, you know this. Anyway,

[Bob the Drag Queen]

we know you're a liar. That's what we all know. We know that you will lie about anything, and we all know this.

[Monet X Change]

That's not true.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That is a fact.

[Monet X Change]

You're such a liar.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I may be stubborn, but you're a. You will just lie.

[Mateo Lane]

Well, monetary sense of humor is saying she's gonna do something, and then when the day comes, you're not really sure if she meant it.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

What?

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah, like when you didn't show up for Chelsea. Remember when I was opening for Chelsea in my head, I was like, maybe Monet just is. Like, was it was a joke.

[Monet X Change]

No, that's not a joke. I would make.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Don't gag now, because you will just lie about.

[Monet X Change]

You might just be like, no, that is not true. You know why they told you lying now? Nuts. You.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

We're crazy. Me and Mateo are crazy, and you're the only one who's making sense anyways.

[Monet X Change]

You're such a liar.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

But they calling me a liar doesn't make you. Not one man.

[Monet X Change]

Calling because you call me one doesn't make me one.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Okay, listen, tag your favorite drag race girls. If any of your favorite drag race girls have ever had Monet tell you a crazy lie, then go ahead and comment on the Internet and we'll see. Hashtag monetbeelying.

[Monet X Change]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. They're gonna tag their favorite draggers girls. And what they're gonna say, what they're

[Bob the Drag Queen]

gonna all tell their stories about. Monet lying. Hashtag Monet B. Lying.

[Mateo Lane]

You're gonna get nyc.

[Monet X Change]

Wait, potato. I mean, you probably don't want to mention this, but you have some love in your life. You have a boyfriend again? Last time you had a podcast, you have a boyfriend.

[Mateo Lane]

No, I've been single for some time, and now I have a boyfriend, and it Feels really good. I have not felt this way in a very long time. I feel very happy.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Can you describe the feeling?

[Mateo Lane]

A lot of pain on my left side of my abdomen. It feels swollen and the doctor said it might be appendicitis, but I think it's love.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

What made you fall for this guy?

[Mateo Lane]

We started talking online on Instagram, but everyone flirts on Instagram, so it's like, hey, hi. And then we started talking a lot, and then it was all day talking, and then it was WhatsApp, and then it was FaceTime. And then he was like, I want to meet you. And I was like, okay, I got four days off. Come to New York. He's like, okay. And so he flew to New York, which, honestly, Mexico City's not that far. It's like a four and a half hour flight. It's going, like, less than going to la. So he came, I picked him up. And before I picked him up, I did think to myself, I was like, mateo, what have you done? There's just a strange man who's going to be in your home for four days. But the second I met him, I literally thought to myself, oh, this man's gonna be in my life for very long. Really? Yeah. And we. And he's very healthy. He's in therapy. He's all about health and fitness and mental health and communicator. You know what he said to me? Bob, you're going to love this. He said to me the other day, where I've always felt sort of shamed for being an overthinker. He was like, I know you're an overthinker. And I was looking things up about overthinkers, and it's best for overthinkers for me to over explain. So I like, you're an overthinker. I would just over explain. And I was like, that's really sweet.

[Monet X Change]

That's very sweet.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You know, I'm so happy that you have love in your life.

[Mateo Lane]

But he will slap the shit out of Patty.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That is one of the rules. Can we tell the story on the pod? Is that too much?

[Monet X Change]

I think we've told it before.

[Mateo Lane]

I dated a guy. I dated a guy who, when he met my group of friends. That's the thing is, like, our crew, you know, you guys are literally my best friends and the best people that I know, but we're not warm. And so I brought a lot of

[Monet X Change]

jokes, a lot of insulting others, calling them liars. A lot of bullying happens in our friend circle.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Well, a lot of Lying. First the lying. And then other person acknowledges that someone lies. And this liar doesn't like that. That does happen.

[Monet X Change]

You know what?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Let's take a break.

[Monet X Change]

And I say, I'm gonna lie on your motherfucking chin, bitch.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Monet, lie. We're not even on a break. Monet's lying. When we don't go on real breaks, y'. All. He's lying to y' all again.

[Monet X Change]

Shut the fuck up. Shut up.

[Mateo Lane]

So anyways, I brought my boyfriend around. We were at a drag show. We were watching Monet and Miz Cracker.

[Monet X Change]

Monet.

[Mateo Lane]

You were dressed like a galaxy at hardware on a Sunday.

[Monet X Change]

Oh, that was that night.

[Mateo Lane]

Yep. You literally were just a galaxy.

[Monet X Change]

I'm gonna send Jake in the picture now so Jake can put in the thing. Okay, go ahead.

[Mateo Lane]

Actually, my favorite picture of us together, Monet, was Yumi and Free. And Luis is in the background, but Monet is. Yeah. And it was at one of your Halloween parties. And Monet is an all black girl. So literally not there in the photo negative face.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

What I would call Monet Alfredo, I call Monet negative space.

[Mateo Lane]

But anyways, I brought my boyfriend around, and he saw Patty was wearing a fur coat. And he goes, is it real? And he goes, yeah. And then he, like, lightly slapped Patty like a joke. And I was like, oh, God, why did you.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

But that was also within the first 30 seconds of meeting him, which is in.

[Mateo Lane]

I wish it was. I thought to myself, I wish it was Nick. I need someone to slap the shit out of Nick.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

We should have Nick on one day. We've never had Nick on the pod.

[Monet X Change]

That's so romantic.

[Mateo Lane]

You should keep it that way.

[Monet X Change]

That's so romantic that you went to the airport to pick them up. That's very sweet.

[Mateo Lane]

Well, someone's coming, and they've never been to New York before. And you know what I mean? Like, you don't want them. All right, go find a cab and make your way here. Like. No. Like, people do it all the time. What happened?

[Monet X Change]

People do it all the time. People come visiting New York.

[Mateo Lane]

Monet, I'm trying to be romantic.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I will say this in Monet's defense. Going to the airport in New York is not like going to the airport in Tulsa. Right. Getting to the airport is, especially if you're going to JFK. If you're going to LaGuardia, bitch, I will meet you there, baby. I'll see. I will see you at LGA. Going to J. FK is maniacal.

[Mateo Lane]

I will say LaGuardia is now my favorite airport. In the country.

[Monet X Change]

It's so great. It's a great airport. LAX has gotten worse.

[Mateo Lane]

LAX is the worst airport. Actually, here's the top three worst airports in the country. Number one, lax. Number two, Boston. Number three, Denver.

[Monet X Change]

Boston, yeah, Boston's pretty bad. Well, now Salt Lake City is becoming down for me because Salt Lake City is now getting too big. Salt Lake City is like two Detroit airports with no trains. It is crazy.

[Mateo Lane]

Oh, God. The Detroit airport was with that fucking red train. You have to. I mean, one time I didn't know the train was there and I was running and I was like. I was screaming out loud. I'm like, this has got to be a joke. Like, I was so an airport that I love.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I love this St. Paul, Minneapolis airport is such a great.

[Monet X Change]

Really. The new lounge they put in and the G concourse is fierce.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I love Minneapolis. I love Atlanta. I think Atlanta has a great airport.

[Mateo Lane]

I don't like Atlanta's airport.

[Monet X Change]

Right.

[Mateo Lane]

I don't like Chicago's either. I hate Atlanta's airport. Every section looks different. It's chaotic. It's fucking awful.

[Monet X Change]

Terrible.

[Mateo Lane]

My top five least favorite, Chicago has

[Bob the Drag Queen]

that hideous polka dot high heel shoe whenever you leave the fucking Delta terminal.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah.

[Mateo Lane]

Well, I will say that the Delta terminal at Phoenix in Phoenix, Arizona is really nice. It's very basic, clean. The Delta lounge is big. Easy to get to your gate. I was just in the San Antonio airport, which is a hallway filled with the worst people you've ever met in your entire life.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I once tweeted about the Portland airport and I said, oh, my God, this carpet is hideous. Did you know the Portland carpet is an entire thing?

[Monet X Change]

It's a thing, baby.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

The Portland Airport carpet is.

[Monet X Change]

It's a thing.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

It's the mascot of Portland. It's their pride and joy.

[Mateo Lane]

Well, they need to step up their pussy if that's the best thing coming out of Portland.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

They pulled the carpet up, replaced it, and everyone got mad because the. They hate. Because they hate the new carpet because it's reminiscent of the old carpet. Oh, they have T shirts in this carpet. It's crazy.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah.

[Mateo Lane]

First of all, let's not. It's like government property. I don't know why we're so. Who wants to be in an airport? Number two, every time I think of carpet, I think of you, Bob. Because I'll never forget walking in the airport with my bags on carpet.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Terrible.

[Mateo Lane]

And you saying, why the hell would you have carpet in an airport? Because you're just dragging your bags.

[Monet X Change]

So annoying. Also at hotels, when every time I get a hotel, they love to put me at the last room down the hallway. And there's carpets in the hallway. So you just drag. And I have three fucking suitcases. You're dragging three huge suitcases down to.

[Podcast Host/Producer]

It was like.

[Monet X Change]

I'm like quasi photo with my three suitcases dragging my damn leg. And my. It's the worst.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You're in the last room because that's the suite Monet probably. It's probably because you requested a suite and the suite is always in the corner at the end. That's why you're at the last room.

[Monet X Change]

No, I'm sometimes. But sometimes I always like. Just give me. I would say just give me the closest room to elevator, please.

[Mateo Lane]

Oh, see, I don't want to be near the elevator. I don't want to hear bing. But we have to get ding. Where's the eyes of no, ma'. Am. I want to live. I want to be far away.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

With the exception of my apartment in the Heights. My New York experience and almost every apartment was so quiet. I really lucked out when I lived in all I lived in.

[Mateo Lane]

What part of living in Washington Heights?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

No, I said with the exception of my last apartment, which Washington.

[Mateo Lane]

Okay.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I was like Long Island City, Ozone Park, Woodside, they were all so quiet. When I remember my. My Upper west apartment was.

[Monet X Change]

It was very quiet.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

So quiet. Because I was.

[Mateo Lane]

I remember that apartment, that drag apartment. Yeah, yeah. You slept in a loft.

[Monet X Change]

It was Bob. Bob's. That. That was a. That's a crazy apartment. That was a crazy apartment.

[Mateo Lane]

For those that. It was like a two. It was. It was two rooms, right. And just wall to wall covered with drag.

[Monet X Change]

And you cannot call the other. The room that Ben used. That was not a bedroom. The only thing that fit in there was a twin size mattress you couldn't even open the door for.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

No, it was a full size bed.

[Monet X Change]

Was it?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yes.

[Monet X Change]

That apartment was crazy. And then when you're in the shower, you couldn't touch the metal because it was electrocuted. So when you're in the shower you cannot touch the metal because you would shock it.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You can't touch the shower rod or you'll get shocked. Yes, that was very true. That part was. And also you remember the tiles in my bathroom weren't damp. So if you stepped on the tile and your feet were dewy, it would pick the tiles up and then.

[Monet X Change]

Girl, that part was crazy.

[Mateo Lane]

Bob, I've got you beat. I lived in a tenement apartment on a six floor walk up with a bathtub in my Kitchen.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

What street?

[Mateo Lane]

It was on Bleecker and Sullivan.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I was at 106 in Amsterdam.

[Monet X Change]

All my apartments were pretty great. My one in the Bronx was fine. That's where Mateo came, and I put him in Liza Makeup.

[Mateo Lane]

Remember that? You did that twice.

[Monet X Change]

I did it twice.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Right.

[Monet X Change]

And then my one in Washington, in Washington Heights was fine. I just had my crazy neighbor that wanted to, like, stab me, which was crazy.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

What?

[Monet X Change]

I told you this. Cause I was. He said upstairs. No, he was under me. He said I was too loud. So one day he came.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I didn't know he got the stabbing.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, he came up with a knife.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

One time, we were in that apartment.

[Mateo Lane]

Was it my.

[Monet X Change]

Exactly.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

My name was Ring of Fur. One time we were in the apartment, and Monet. We're at her place, and someone said, bob and Monet. And then he's like, it was pandemic.

[Monet X Change]

It was pandemic.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

And he was like, do you guys live here? And when I said, no, I'm visiting a friend. He was like, but I see you here a lot. She goes, yeah, I visit this friend a lot.

[Mateo Lane]

See, that's Monet. That's a Monet. Because a Monetism.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I don't know. One time we were gaslighting you. One time we were leaving. Not Funny Girl. What's the best records? The. The.

[Podcast Host/Producer]

The.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

The. It's the Carol Channing play A Funny Girl. No.

[Monet X Change]

Hello, Dolly.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Hello, Dolly. I bought us the wrong tick to hello, Dolly. So me and Monet went to the.

[Monet X Change]

Don't glaze over. That. So, mate. You know Bob. I was like, monet, we're. Cause we've told the story before. Well, I'm just letting you have not heard it. So we were just very busy with. Long story short, we're very busy, right? Bob's traveling. I was traveling. So then Bob was like, monet, are you free on this date? I was like, sure, I am. He's like, do not make any plans. You and I are hanging out. I was like, okay. And he is like. He was like, we're gonna go see a show. I was like, okay. So he bought us tickets. I'm like, monet, I'm serious. Do not make any plan. Joe and I are hanging out. We're gonna go see the Broadway show. It's very important to me. I was like, all that drama. Does that not sound like Bob the Drag Queen to you?

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah.

[Monet X Change]

Thank you.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I was like, whenever. We're gonna go see Funny Girl. Let's go. Do you want to go see Funny Girl?

[Monet X Change]

Let's go.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

See Funny girl together.

[Monet X Change]

Anyway, I'm not Funny Girl Holly, so that's okay. Sure. Like, let's do it. So then. Go ahead, Bob.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

So then I. I bought the wrong tickets. I bought tickets for the day, the next day. So we showed up on the day of when the guy's like, these tickets are for tomorrow. I was like, so we're leaving. So we're leaving. And then someone sees me and goes, bob the Drag Queen. I go, hi. And they looked over and said, monet. And then Monet said, I get that all the time. And then they said. And then they said, are you Bob the Drag Queen? I said, yes, I am. I am Bob the Drag Queen. And she goes, is that Monet? And then Monet goes, I always get that. And just walked away. So, Monet, tell me who's lying about you.

[Monet X Change]

Lying.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Tell me who's lying. Is it me or is it you?

[Monet X Change]

That is true. That happened.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yeah. Show lying ass. Anyway.

[Monet X Change]

Very funny.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Here's my. Here's my. First of all, I'm leaving New York City tomorrow, which is kind of. I've been here for three months. It's been low key, amazing.

[Mateo Lane]

Like, we went to the edge together.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That was. I have all this footage of us at the edge.

[Monet X Change]

What's the edge?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

The edge is this, like, basically imagine if you're like, it looks like something from the Avengers. It looks like where the Justice League hangs out. Imagine you're in a building, but one part of it just juts out about 50, 50, like maybe 10 yards.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah, yeah.

[Monet X Change]

Is this a thing at the Freedom Tower?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

No, it's in midtown.

[Mateo Lane]

Hudson Yards.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yeah, it juts out about 10 yards. And then you stand over one spot, you can look straight down to the ground. Oh, wow.

[Monet X Change]

Oh, I went to this. I've been there. Go ahead, baby.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

When I tell you Nick was walking like the giraffe in the beginning of the Lion King. Nick, you would have thought that someone's gonna literally pick Nick up and throw him. There were five year olds gleefully jumping up and down. Nick is walking around like his. Like his shoes are made of lead.

[Monet X Change]

I need to.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I need to find the fish to be as on my phone.

[Monet X Change]

Well, you know when we did All Stars 7 press, they bring you up to the Empire sibling, do all stuff at the top of the Empire State Building. But then this year, they like, well, sorry, All Stars 7, they're like, do you want to. Guys want to go up to, like, the. The needle? And we were like, the needle. And like. So you go, you know, like the Tall, skinny part, like the little antenna. They brought us up to there. Like the fucking Percy Jackson. The fire. The spire. There we go. We got up to that thing, and you can go out to the very. The very, very top and walk around the edge of the Empire sibling. And we did it. It was so fun.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Is that where the wind was, like, going crazy?

[Monet X Change]

Yes, it was crazy. I was like, this is crazy.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I was like, how are we allowed to question what. Why is there. This is a dumb question. I know it's dumb. Why is there more wind in the air than there is on the ground?

[Monet X Change]

So what is this physics?

[Mateo Lane]

But I don't know why I'm gonna guess. Here's my guess, which I know nothing of what I'm talking about, that the jet stream is in between, like, this. Like, whatever. What are the five sections of the sky like the stratosphere atmosphere.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah.

[Mateo Lane]

So I think it's like how, like, the jet stream moves around and so, like, that wind is like, like, based off of, like, currents in the ocean and pushing and everything moving east. And. I don't know, right?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I mean, maybe the buildings are blocking it, but even at the beach doesn't feel as windy as the top of the Empire State Building.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mateo Lane]

No, because it's not. The wind is moving the clouds and weather systems. It's like.

[Podcast Host/Producer]

I did a quick Google, and I'm also not a science girl, but it says that there's less. Less friction higher up. And this is good. This is so dumb. All the science people are about to drag me, but, like, I don't understand what the wind is frictioning on up there.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

What is this?

[Podcast Host/Producer]

That makes it go faster, but it says it's a friction thing.

[Monet X Change]

That's. Well, it's. It's the same thing in clouds. It's negative and positive charges. Like, that's the. Maybe that. That's the friction they're talking about.

[Mateo Lane]

That's lightning.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Have you seen that video?

[Podcast Host/Producer]

So surface friction forces wind to slow closer to the Earth. So I think, like, there's stuff on the Earth that's making it more friction, and the further you get away from it, there's less friction. And even that small amount of friction really helps the wind speed up.

[Monet X Change]

We look forward.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Like when you look at, like, a sidewalk, right? I could sprint on a sidewalk and have no fear of falling off the sidewalk. If the sidewalk was 100ft in the air, I could no longer, like, it would feel wobbly, even though it's the same width and everything. So my head is like, I Can't do that. I cannot possibly do that in the air.

[Monet X Change]

It's the air. Because the air. Because the air could push you on. When you're at the ground, the air won't push you either.

[Mateo Lane]

Way up there, we all sound like idiots.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Well, we're not. That's why. That's why we tell jokes for a living instead of Bill nying were like,

[Mateo Lane]

well, the friction of the positive ions of the stratosphere that blow the sidewalk from Matteo.

[Monet X Change]

Did you do very well in school? Did you have good grades? You seem like you had good grades.

[Mateo Lane]

I had terrible grades. Terrible. Almost didn't even pass high school.

[Monet X Change]

Really?

[Podcast Host/Producer]

What was your best and worst class?

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah, my worst was math. I failed math junior year at high school. I also wasn't doing my homework or paying attention. There was that. I would, like, skip school.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

School.

[Mateo Lane]

Like, I didn't care about school. But best class was choir.

[Monet X Change]

Choir. Oh, my God. Were you. Oh, okay. So in high school choir. Did you start choir in middle school or high school?

[Mateo Lane]

High school.

[Monet X Change]

High school. And then. So were there a lot of boys in choir? No, because boys are. They're like, this. Too gay. They won't do it.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah, pretty much. Especially at that time. So it was. It was. If you were a boy doing it, you were either weird or gay.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah. And then you.

[Mateo Lane]

In my case, both.

[Monet X Change]

And you were based. So you. You sang low. You think you were like.

[Mateo Lane]

I sang very low. Yes. I sang E. I mean, I had that voice when I was 15. Skinny kid, one eyebrow braces. And that's what I sounded like.

[Monet X Change]

And your choir teacher probably thought you were. She like, this is goal. We don't have kids that can sing this fucking low. You were like, the MV motherfucking P. I was.

[Mateo Lane]

And my voice teacher was obsessed with my low notes. He would try and find different, like, arias and different songs that would, like, require the voice to go that low. So I sang all these, like, obscure operettas, and people will be like, what's your favorite aria? I'm like, it doesn't matter because it's from, like, some obscure Bellini thing that had, like. You know what I mean? Just, like, so dumb.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

When I was in high school, my theater teacher made me take choir. I took one year of choir or two years. I took two years of choir toward the end of my high school career. And I just remember singing a lot, a lot of Ironically Jacob. I also sang Negro spirituals, but it made a little bit more sense of my school. Not gonna lie.

[Monet X Change]

So all the white kids in Your school? They were. I mean, obviously they're like. Like, what do you say the ratio of black to white kids were in your school? I'm still trying to get the picture of what Morrow High School was.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I mean, Morrow High School probably had, like. I mean, I don't know the numbers for sure, but I would say my school was probably like 80% black, maybe 10% Asian and Latinx people, and then, like, other 10% white people. We had more Vietnamese kids than white kids in my school.

[Monet X Change]

And what was your graduating class size? Like, how big was your graduating class?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Probably 2,000 people.

[Mateo Lane]

Oh, so we had similar sizes.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, that is.

[Mateo Lane]

Mine was about the same size.

[Monet X Change]

I always went to small schools.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

If you ever Google Morrow High School graduation, just Google Morrow High School and that will give you a visual depiction. Go to YouTube. Go to YouTube. Type in Morrow High School.

[Monet X Change]

Is it M O R R?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yeah, it's just like tomorrow, but without the two.

[Monet X Change]

In Ellenwood, Georgia, that's where.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yep, Ellenwood, Georgia.

[Mateo Lane]

I went to John Hersey High School.

[Monet X Change]

John, who was John Hersey? Was he a important person?

[Mateo Lane]

Not a clue.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Oh, my God.

[Monet X Change]

This is too many kids in one school.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

We had. It was a very large school. Very, very large school.

[Monet X Change]

You're graduating.

[Mateo Lane]

I think we.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

And if you think we had been graduating class.

[Monet X Change]

I know.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Try to find a white person.

[Monet X Change]

I mean, it's so big. You're on a football field.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I will say it is very upsetting that the white people are always in the top.

[Monet X Change]

Oh, yeah.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

So they're at the front. Because the white kids. I don't know. I don't know why, but the white kids were. I think our valedictorian was white, which is crazy. It is crazy.

[Monet X Change]

Well, in 2019, or maybe she wasn't.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Who was our valedictorian? You know what's really kind of wild about college graduation and high school graduation? Honestly, if you're not the valedictorian, you may as well have gotten the lowest grades because, like, when you graduate college with your degree, unless you can put valedictorian or summa cum laude or whatever, no one cares if you were 10th in your class.

[Monet X Change]

It's like first school or college, either.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

It's like first, second, or like, who cares?

[Monet X Change]

But I mean. But. But then people look at gpa. GPA is important. Like, if you're like.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

If you put out on jobs and stuff, like in jobs, like, when you're trying to get jobs, no one cares. If you weren't the valedictorian, you have nothing to claim. But they put. So it's like, girl, if you're not gonna be one number one, you might as well have fun and be number three.

[Monet X Change]

No, salutatorian is a thing, too.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

But. But yeah, if you're not one or two, if you're gonna come in 15th place, who cares? You might as well have fun and come in 200th place. Cause you're getting the same degree. You got the same wig I got on. You got the same dress I got on. Shut up.

[Monet X Change]

Matteo. What musical is that from? Go.

[Mateo Lane]

Not a clue. I've only seen, like, two musicals. I'm gonna go see Book of Mormon this week. I've never seen it.

[Monet X Change]

You live in New York City. I've seen two musicals.

[Mateo Lane]

All I do is stand up.

[Monet X Change]

They have matinees, Mateo. They're matinees.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That is true. There are matinees. Monet. Just H1.

[Mateo Lane]

I have Fortnite.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You know what? That is a good, solid point. Fortnite. Also, I. Oh, my goodness. The way I was struggling with technology, today, I found out I finally figured out how to stream my TikTok lives. So if you have been someone out there in these streets and you've heard about my ridiculous TikTok lives, I have figured out a way to do the TikTok live. IANNAS. And you all will get to see the madness on screen with me, which I'm very, very excited about. Matteo, would you ever debate for fun or does that not speak to you? You don't seem like you don't like conflict, though. But you don't. But you're not afraid of it. You're not afraid of conflict.

[Mateo Lane]

I love you asked me three questions and answered all of them. If it was a debate about something fun, if we were debating about, like, pasta or X Men characters.

[Monet X Change]

Have you.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

What if it's about, like, policy? Like, like.

[Mateo Lane]

No, I would not be good at that. I would be horrible at that.

[Monet X Change]

Have you. Have you seen.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Oh, I would love when you say horrible.

[Monet X Change]

I know horrible. Have you seen Little Mermaid yet?

[Mateo Lane]

No, I'm seeing it with Rodrigo on Thursday.

[Monet X Change]

Okay.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You have a whole week planned. Book of Mormon movies.

[Monet X Change]

Damn, he's in love.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Can't relate. I'm playing Jacob. Wow.

[Monet X Change]

Damn, homie.

[Mateo Lane]

Guys, I have to jump in, like, five minutes, then leave. Okay. That's my favorite thing. Bob said to. Was using that to Patty. Patty was like, came over playing video games. He was like, I don't want to play video games. And Bob goes, then go. You said earlier that we were playing video games. If you don't want to be here, Then leave. I was like, this is why our friends look insane.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

This is why I said that. Just so everyone knows, this is why I said that. We had all been planning to play video games all week long. It was like a week. We rarely got together. We're hardly ever in town. Everyone on the thing on the thread, all of us can't wait to play video games. Can't wait. Can't wait. We just started playing video games. Patty goes, I don't want to play video games. And we're like, bitch, you knew when you came over what we were doing. You knew what we wanted to do. You knew the plan. Everyone knew the plan. And then you showed up and were like, change the plan. I don't like it. Bitch, leave.

[Monet X Change]

Well, I leave. But to Patty's point, we had also been playing Jackson box games a lot in this pandemic. So I think he maybe thought we're gonna do some of those. When he thought so we were playing Smash Brothers, he was like, well, shit,

[Mateo Lane]

I'm glad we're done with some jackbox game.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I know he knew what the plan was.

[Monet X Change]

We didn't say, hey, guys, let's get together, only play Smash. We said, let's play some games. So he probably.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You said video games.

[Monet X Change]

You said video games, which is Jackbox. I think you.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

No one calls jackbox a video game.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, I mean, you don't know. Patty doesn't play video games.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Mateo, do you call jackbox a video game?

[Mateo Lane]

I would not call Jackbox.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Jacob, would you call Jackbox video games?

[Monet X Change]

Ask me.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Ask me, Monet. You're doing it for the sake of argument, Monet.

[Monet X Change]

Ask me.

[Mateo Lane]

Is that helping you cool down? Yes.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You're doing it for the Monet. You're doing it for the sake. Can I be. I will say this. Every. Every. Everyone in the room knew except everyone except Patty. And we said we want to.

[Monet X Change]

Jacob is saying something.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Well, I'll say. I said we wanted to play this. We want to play this video game. Patty did not have to. And I said, if you don't. We were not planning on stopping our video games because Patty was the only one in the room who didn't want to play when he knew we were gathering to play video games.

[Monet X Change]

Yeah, Jacob,

[Podcast Host/Producer]

I feel like that's an Understand. I feel like jackbox is enough of a video game for it to be in the umbrella in terms of video games. And if you. Especially if you were not well versed in video games.

[Monet X Change]

Agreed.

[Podcast Host/Producer]

Like Patty, I could see how him being like oh, Jackbox is a video game.

[Monet X Change]

And also. And also, it's a bad deal.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Was playing video games. Except Patty.

[Monet X Change]

It was the pandemic when a lot of us had. We had not. We had not gotten to be with each other. So Patty being our friend, being like, oh, yeah, I want to get together with my friends and play video games. Possibly Jackbox. So then to see after Patty lives alone by himself. Patty had not seen a single live person for weeks. Now he's just shooting Monet.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Then he should be grateful.

[Monet X Change]

So then Patty, little Patty with his long red hair is set, and he is depressed from the pandemic.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I'm trying to paint a picture of a little white kid so that we feel bad for him.

[Monet X Change]

Patty, sit down.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Don't paint a picture of a sad white orphan. So we feel bad for him.

[Monet X Change]

Patty, with his. With his long red hair and freckles is sitting out on that couch. And Bob goes, you know what? Then fucking leave. Go home. This is what you said to him.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

And I punched him.

[Mateo Lane]

No, no. I brought my ex in to do that.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I said what I said. You're not derailing our game plan. Well, we. We are. We've reached the end of our.

[Monet X Change]

Our episode of our fight.

[Mateo Lane]

You guys, thank you for having me on. I hope everybody watches. Is my.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Tell us again, how can we watch it? Where can we watch it?

[Podcast Host/Producer]

It's out.

[Mateo Lane]

It's out right now on YouTube called Hair Plugs and Heartache. And it's on my YouTube channel, Matteo Lane. Matteo Lane comedy. And please watch it and enjoy it.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Quick question before you go. If. If we. If we can get this to. To get 20 million views, will you do Jacob's idea and have the next one be the underwear special? And it's just you and your underwear.

[Mateo Lane]

If we get this, I'll say it right now. If we get this to 20 million views, I will do my next special in my underwear.

[Monet X Change]

Hot.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You all heard it.

[Monet X Change]

You might get 10 million for me, honey.

[Mateo Lane]

Yay.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Refresh. Refresh, Refresh, Refresh. Oh, yeah.

[Monet X Change]

Everybody. Everybody could watch that special like this.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host/Producer]

Fan of it.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Everyone's fan.

[Mateo Lane]

Everyone's fanning themselves. To be fair, I do see how it makes you cooler.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Have a wonderful romantic weekend, Mateo, and congrats on your special. It is very fun.

[Monet X Change]

It's gonna be very fierce.

[Mateo Lane]

Thank you.