The One About Security

Summary

Sibling Rivalry: “The One About Security”

Podcast Date: March 22, 2023
Hosts: Bob the Drag Queen & Monét X Change

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Bob the Drag Queen and Monét X Change dive into the theme of “security”—from funny pet mishaps and dramatic break-ins to the world of celebrity private security. With their trademark banter and comedic chemistry, they explore personal experiences, superstitions, wild internet conspiracies, and the realities of feeling safe (or not) at home or on tour. Expect plenty of laughs, real talk, and iconic off-topic tangents.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Housekeeping: Dog Drama & Jasmine Rice’s Surgery

• Monét shares her experience caring for their recovering friend Jasmine Rice, who underwent surgery to remove illegal silicone injections. (01:53–04:56)
• Bob recounts being peed on by Monét’s excitable dog, Potato, while trying to be a dog whisperer.
  • “So now I’m at the house. All the urine cleaning up, none of it was from Jasmine. I think that it’s Potato doing all this shit.” (04:56–05:29)
• Bob attempts to train Potato, suggesting a goofy, hands-on method where humans model the desired behavior for the dog.
  • “You have to show that you’re kind of kinky shit you’re trying to get my man into.” – Monét (06:49)

2. Superstitions, Conspiracies & Witch TikTok

• The duo veer into viral TikToks about “skinwalkers,” conspiracy theories, and supposed witchcraft at weddings. (09:43–13:42)
  • Bob’s skepticism: “It just looked to me like it was just a lady dancing at a wedding. Maybe I’m naive.” (12:26)
• Discussion of peoples’ penchant for wild theories, Katy Perry’s “eye glitch,” and the enduring mythos of the Illuminati. (13:42–17:05)
• The ongoing Illuminati joke:
  • Monét: “Like, if you get into one of these Illuminati dive videos, they really be out here…” (17:05)
  • Bob: “Have you ever been around anyone who’s been accused of being in the Illuminati?” (17:12)

3. The Illuminati, Rituals, & Selling Your Soul

• They playfully debate the logic and rumors around fame, rituals, and “selling your soul to the devil.”
  • “Do you believe that someone can sell their soul to the devil for fame? Would you be willing to sell your soul to the devil right here on the podcast?” – Bob (20:10)
  • Monét, laughing: “First of all, I already have fame.” (20:24)
• Bob’s comedic persistence on making Monét “do the ritual” for extreme fame (20:39–22:10)
• Monét’s boundaries: “You’re a demon. I’m not engaging with you.” (22:48)

4. Home Security, Celebrity Security, and Break-ins

• The conversation pivots to personal and professional security:

  • Monét jokingly says she needs security just to handle Bob.
  • They discuss celebrities who have private security and whether they would get it themselves.
    • “Santana has security wherever he goes.” – Bob (26:35)
    • “Should we hire his private security for us when we go on tour?” – Monét (26:50)
  • Estimates on security salaries, luxury house logistics, and stories about queens like Sasha Velour having bodyguards at DragCon.
    • “She had a private security guard around DragCon, and you… there was a security guard there with her.” – Monét (28:57)

• Break-ins:

  • Bob’s college apartment was broken into by an ex-friend, emphasizing that it’s often “someone you know.” (33:38–34:51)
    • “He came back maybe two days later and broke into our house, stole my PlayStation 2, stole some money.” – Bob (34:44)
  • Monét tells a story about a childhood break-in in St. Lucia, illustrating differences in cultural attitudes towards police involvement. (37:01–40:14)

5. Surveillance at Home

• Both discuss having/not having cameras in their homes and the boundaries when living with others.

  • “I don’t think that having surveillance in your home when you don’t live by yourself is appropriate.” – Bob (40:52)
  • Monét: “Now here in LA, I don’t have any [cameras] because I live with someone… I think that’s weird.” (41:08)

• Jacob, the producer, notes their apartment has building security and jokingly outlines how one could theoretically break in. (41:16–41:44)

6. Oscar Gifting Suites & Bougie Problems

• They describe attending the Oscars gifting suite, what it actually is, and their personal takes on the experience.
  • “The Oscar gifting suite is a thing they do Oscars weekend... you get a free thing but you have to take a picture with the product and the brand.” – Monét (44:32)
• Both agree they didn’t care for some of the odd products—especially the hummingbird feeder cam. (43:48–44:12)

7. Food Talk: Eating Out vs. Cooking In

• Bob reveals he hates eating at restaurants:
  • “I love eating food, but I just want to eat it in my home or in someone else’s home.” (49:11)
  • “The music is always too loud. I don’t like candles at my table. It’s always too dark. If you scoot your chair back, you are sitting in someone’s lap.” (49:37)
• Monét, in contrast, loves dining out and discovering new places.
  • “I love going out to eat. I love food. I love food. I love food.” (50:58)
• They debate steak temperatures, fancy cuts, and black folks growing up eating well-done meat.

8. Break-ins, Security Guards, and School Memories

• Touch on school security, from Monét’s fond memories of high school security guards in NYC to Bob’s recollection of strict school resource officers in Georgia.
  • “If you fought at my high school, you were arrested.” – Bob (57:29)

9. Miscellaneous Banter & Notable Tangents

• A hilarious back-and-forth about theft between friends:
  • “Run me my money, since you still make right?” – Bob (35:23)
  • “I only stole $3.” – Monét (35:27)
• Regional pride and moving talk: where would they want to live, and what makes one feel like a “real” New Yorker or Angeleno.
  • “The only way I would go back to New York City is if I could afford to live there really, really comfortably.” – Bob (59:47)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On conspiracy theories:
  • “People always have some conspiracies about things going on—from the most mundane things to what seemingly are, like, really major things.” – Monét (12:34)
• On the Illuminati:
  • “Do you believe that someone can sell their soul to the devil for fame? Would you be willing to sell your soul to the devil right here on the podcast?” – Bob (20:10)
  • “You’re a demon. I’m not engaging with you.” – Monét (20:48)
• On eating out:
  • “I do not like going to restaurants is, for me, usually not fun… The music is always too loud. I don’t like candles at my table.” – Bob (49:03–49:37)
• On home security:
  • “It’s not always, but it’s often someone that actually knows you or has been to your house or has cased your joint.” – Bob (33:42)
• On their friendship & boundaries:
  • “I need security on your ass. Because honestly, oftentimes when I’m with you, I really wish I had personal security to keep you at bay.” – Monét (25:07)

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Important Timestamps

• Caring for Jasmine Rice & dog mishaps: 01:53–07:39
• Skinwalkers, witchcraft, Illuminati, conspiracy theories: 09:43–20:03
• Jokes on selling souls & demonic rituals: 20:10–23:12
• Celebrity security, drag star bodyguards: 26:35–29:31
• Personal break-in stories: 33:38–40:14
• Home surveillance & privacy: 40:52–43:38
• Oscars gifting suite & bougie problems: 43:48–45:48
• Food debates—eating at home vs. out: 49:03–51:03
• School security guards & final banter: 56:40–59:18

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Episode in a Nutshell

Despite the episode's title, "security" is interpreted broadly: physical safety, emotional boundaries, celebrity bodyguards, and the comfort (or paranoia) of home. Bob and Monét’s lively exchanges reveal the realities and absurdities of living in the public eye, caring for others, and surviving everyday drama—always with an irreverent sense of humor. Whether swapping stories of petty theft, debating the truth about the Illuminati, or roasting each other over food preferences, their sibling-esque dynamic makes “The One About Security” both funny and unexpectedly insightful.

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For the full “Sibling Rivalry” experience, listen to the full episode for more shade, laughter, and surprises between the lines!

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

My name is Bob the Drag Queen.

[C]

And I'm Monet X James. And this is Sibling rivalry. On today's episode, Bob gets peed on.

[B]

We talk about security, and we find

[C]

out what made Bob say this.

[B]

Whoa, whoa. Okay. I've not played the game and I've not seen the show. Now you gave away a massive plot point. And we find out what made Monet say this.

[C]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You got sober in California? I'm so. I have no idea who you are. Hi, Bob the Drag Queen.

[B]

Um, good evening, Monet X change.

[C]

How are you? When does evening start? Is evening at 5 or at 6?

[D]

5 o'?

[A]

Clock?

[C]

Yeah, I agree.

[B]

Because you can't say 5 o' clock in the afternoon. That doesn't make sense.

[C]

So evening is 4:00 in the afternoon. That's in. In St. Lucia. We would say evening. We would say. We would say evening. Start at like, four? Yeah. We're not at seven. Evening.

[B]

Are we in? Do you look at the ground? Do you see St. Lucia?

[C]

You know, I'm not gonna engage with you. I'm not gonna let you ring me there. I'm gonna stay. Yeah, don't engage.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Submit, bitch. Submit. Back down.

[C]

Okay. Not engaging does not mean submitting.

[B]

Back down. Submit.

[C]

I'm gonna float on high vibrations today. I'm not gonna let you take me there.

[B]

Submissive vibrations, honey. Submissive vibrations. It's giving. Submissive and breedable.

[C]

I want to tell y' all a nice thing Bob did yesterday. So we have a friend, Jasmine Rice of Asia, who's having reconstructive surgery on her ass. And she's staying with me. I am nursing her back to health, which I'm very happy to be helping Jasmine. But I didn't realize. I didn't realize I was gonna be a rehab nurse. She's like, hey, I'm having surgery. Can I stay with you? I was like, sure. But I'm fully her rehab nurse, which is fine. Which, there's a lot of blood involved, there's a lot of urine involved, all the things. Anyway,

[D]

how are potato and Colleen acclimating to her?

[C]

Well, Potato, really? Oh, my God. There's so much to discuss. I'm gonna get to Potato Colleen, definitely. Cause I saw a video of Bob. Anyway, hold on. Let's. One thing at a time. Oh, so Jasmine is here. We're taking care of her. She's getting back to health. And I don't know, at the point that this is airing, I'm sure her GoFundMe is up. If you guys wanna contribute to GoFundMe, she has a video on her Instagram. Jasmine Rice, I think NYC is her Instagram. And she got some procedures done on her butt that they weren't the healthiest. And she got illegal silicone injected into her ass and she gotta get it removed. And she spent a lot of money in the surgery. So if you guys have a few extra dollars to throw her away, do it. So I'm leaving. Last night I had to go record this thing for a thing. And as I'm leaving my house, this black car is slowly, but it's nighttime. This matte black car is sl in my driveway, causing us throw on the street. The cars behind him are like, honk, honk, honk. So I pull out my driveway, minding my business, and then I hear a call from Baba like, bitch, where the fuck you going? Where you going? I was like, what?

[B]

No. I said, why are you running? Why are you running? That's what I said, why are you running?

[C]

And I was like. I was like, what? What are you talking about? He's like, where are you going? I was like, I'm going to do something. And you're like, pull over, bitch. Pull over, bitch. It was Bob. And Bob was gonna come to my apartment and surprise myself and Jasmine by coming to. It was very sweet. And you ended up staying at my home and tell us what happened after that.

[B]

Well, me and Jason just hung out a little bit and talked and chatted. And then I went to go pet your dog and the dog got very excited and peed. So then I called my name, was like, the dog peed on the couch. I imagine there's something to spray somewhere. So now I'm at the house. So let me just say all the urine cleaning up, none of it was from Jasmine. I think that it's potato doing all this shit. I've taken care of a few people who have been recovering from surgery, and there's a lot of blood and bodily fluids that come with helping someone recover from surgery.

[C]

Yeah. And then. So then I'm at the studio doing this thing, and then I get this video from Andy, and it is Bob. Bob, the dog trainer queen. Bob has treats in his hand. And Bob is in his hands. And Bob's like, okay, sit.

[B]

Okay, stop. Roll over.

[C]

I'm like, Bob is like, he did

[B]

all the train potato. He did.

[C]

But it was. But it's just.

[B]

Bob is.

[C]

It's like Bob is teaching a room full of third graders. Okay, now I go, this is you. Me.

[B]

Now you. So years ago, not years ago, I was trying to show. First of all, Andy is like one of the folks who's just like, this is something Andy and Jacob both have in common.

[C]

What besides the caucasity?

[B]

So I was trying to show Andy how to teach potato how to speak. And I was like, well, Andy, you have to participate. So, like, basically you go to give the dog a treat, you say, speak, and then Potato doesn't speak. So then you look at a person and then you go, monet speak. And then Monet would go, woof. And then you give Monet a treat, and then you pet her and. And the dog sees, oh, that's how I get a treat. So I was like, andy, so you have to bark and I have to pet you, and you have to. Have to. You know, you have to show that

[C]

you're kind of kinky shit you're trying to get my man into.

[B]

It works. So if you have the dog next to the person, then you give the. You tell the dog speak. The dog won't speak. You look at a person go, speak. They bark, you give them a treat, and you pet them. The dog will be like, oh, my God, I want some of that. So usually in like a couple of rounds, the dog will realize. But Andy is like, I'm not. And he's like, I'm not doing that. I am not. I was like, I'm just trying to show you how to. How to get your dog, how to train your dog.

[C]

Please. We need you, Bob. Honestly, can I hire you to train this fucking dog? So back to what you said earlier. So when you come to the house. You cannot engage a potato when anyone enters the home. The dog gets very excited. You have to pretend like this dog is not there, or else he will just pee on whatever. Wherever he is. You have to just ignore him completely for, like, a good two minutes.

[B]

Yeah, he peed on my hand. I was like, not this. And then I had to go wash my hands. I dragged my hands through all of Monet's clothes and food in her fridge. And the food. Clothes and food, which were oddly right next to each other. Monet keeps her clothes in the fridge.

[C]

In the fridge, yeah.

[B]

Which is very strange.

[C]

It prevents. It prevents shrinking. It keeps them nice and cold. So the molecules are cold, they don't shrink.

[B]

Got it. Got it. Because usually that makes things smaller when they get cold, actually.

[C]

Usually. Wait, Jacob, you want to mute your phone.

[D]

I am on mute.

[B]

Well, you're talking, so you can't be on mute.

[D]

I unmuted myself to say that.

[C]

That's why I have. So ignore. I have Jasmine's sleeping bed in here if I had to pull it up. So that's why that little thing. Oh, they probably can't see that I just outed myself. God damn it.

[B]

You really telling all your business. Anything else you want to talk about? You want to talk about how to fake you ain't wearing no pants?

[C]

And.

[B]

And. And.

[C]

Oh, I was going to try to do a bit, but I. I got these new jazzy little 70s disco pants. I can't stop wearing them. They're so cute.

[B]

I mean, we can't really see them here, but I can kind of see what's going on with the pants. Or they're like. Wide leg.

[C]

Yeah, a little wide leg moment. I'm really into wide leg. Oh, my God. So do you know about the Mischief shoes, Bob? The Mischief boots?

[B]

No, the red.

[C]

Okay, so Mischief is a. Oh, the big red.

[B]

The Astro Man Astroman boots.

[C]

Yeah. So I ordered them, like, the day they came out. I got this link and I refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh. I ended up getting. And I ordered them, and they said they're gonna ship in, like, four weeks, but they haven't shipped yet. And I'm seeing people getting them. I'm like, bitch, did I get scammed? I'm nervous I'm not gonna get my boots.

[B]

By the time you get there, they won't even be cool anymore.

[C]

Right. I'm sorry.

[B]

I started to order a pair of knockoffs and then have us compare our shoes and see if anyone can even tell the difference between the knockoffs. And the real ones.

[C]

Okay. What in the poltergeist? Something's going on here. Jasmine done put some damn. Some bad juju in my motherfucking home. Do you think.

[B]

Do you believe in. I saw this clip on TikTok recently. Okay. I've made it on this one side of TikTok that I think is just doing too much. I've made it on the skinwalker TikTok, which you're not supposed. Which I'm not supposed to say that word out loud, apparently, because it attracts them to you, apparently. But like, people on not dear. They also call them not dear or flesh pretenders or something. Everything is a. Not deer. Everything is a flesh mannequin or whatever the hell they call it. Like, anything, every person's dog, everything, anytime, any animal exhibits a strange behavior like it's a skinwalker.

[C]

Every meaning. It's like a fake. It's like. It's like a fake person. Like someone isn't their skin.

[B]

It's like some sort of an entity that pretends to be other creatures.

[C]

Are they shapeshifters? Can they be. Can they be any creature they want or, like, they're assigned to one creature?

[B]

They are shapeshifters. They can be different things, but they always look a little off. So it's like a deer, but his legs bend backwards or his neck is too long or the antlers are too short, or it has, like. It has the body of a deer, but the face of a. But the snout of a pug. It's always something slightly off about whatever makes this thing do its thing. But anyway, what was I talking about?

[C]

No, bitch. Something talking to.

[B]

No, before that. Something before that. You were. What were you talking about?

[C]

I was talking about. Oh, that Jasmine put some bad juju in my house. And, yeah, you can say.

[B]

So I was on. I was on, like, witch. Like bad juju. Evil witch. Tick tock. And there was this guy dancing with his wife at his wedding. At their wedding. At both their weddings. And there's this woman standing behind the bride. And it looks like she's just kind of, like, dancing, but she's waving a. A handkerchief or a napkin over the wife's head. And then this other person comes in, like. And, like, stops her from doing it, but she's, like, waving and this. So I saw the woman who stitched and was like. Did y' all see this? Do y' all see this? Can y' all believe that this witch is. Has the audacity to be at this wedding doing, you know, putting spell. Yeah, doing witch Stuff. Putting a spell or putting bad juju on this bride. And then she was like, in the. And the groom is in on it because he saw her do it. And other folks, like, he's stopping her from looking. And some folks, like, he's. He's trying to bind her to him for life or something like that. And it just looked to me like it was just a lady dancing at a wedding. Maybe I'm naive.

[C]

Well, I mean, there's. There's. What I realize is there is always. People always have some conspiracies about things going on. From, like, the most mundane things to what seemingly are, like, really major things. It's so wild, the things that people think are conspiracies. You remember. Do you remember that. That viral video going around of Katy Perry when she's at her show or she's doing. Performing somewhere and her eyes start, like, glitching, like, have you seen this clip? Like. And I mean. And that does look crazy, though, right? I could see Katie being.

[B]

I'm assuming she's just being silly. If you look close enough, she's actually. It looks like she's doing what that guy does in death becomes her. The guy who gives Madeline Ashton the information to go see Isabella Rossellini.

[D]

He.

[B]

He does the same thing. He goes. He's, like, twitching and fixing it with his hand maybe.

[C]

I mean, I don't know the context of this thing, but when you look at the clip and someone sends you, like, you're like, wow, Katy Perry's. We have a moment. It's kind of like, also this. I mean, okay, let's. Let's talk the real Rip. Let's be real for a second, right? And I know what you're gonna say, and I don't think.

[B]

Nigga, you do not know me. You don't know what I'm about to say.

[C]

I'm not gonna let you take me there ever.

[B]

You never know what I'm about to say. You guess. You think you know, but you don't know what I'm about to say. Don't you ever tell anyone you know what I'm about to say ever again.

[C]

Okay, Jacob. There's no way Jacob's on mute. Did you hear that?

[B]

You're not Jacob. You're not muted, baby.

[D]

Oh, wow. The thing. I was pressing mute on the Yeti and I thought it was working, but

[B]

I guess I don't think your microphone is not the Yeti, because I can hear you in the quality. If you check your microphone, it won't say yeti.

[D]

Oh, yeah, that's the issue.

[C]

There it is. I'm like, I know I'm not crazy. I've been hearing Jacob,

[B]

Jacob, do you want to do the recording so you can use the edits? Your audio will be nice. Let's just go ahead and do a quick break so your audio will be nice.

[A]

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[C]

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[A]

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[C]

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[B]

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[A]

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[C]

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[B]

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[E]

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[C]

um, so I know what you're gonna say, and I don't think so either, but people say it so often, like, there's a small part of my brain that's kind of like, well, is it about the Illuminati?

[B]

So you don't know what I'm saying? This takes what I'm gonna say. Tell me if you were right. Rutabaga Bubblegum Polypop Jelly. Did you know I was gonna Say that. Shut the fuck. She has it written down. I wrote it down right here, Bob.

[C]

My business on the street. Imagine, like, the Illuminati, like, doing is like, obviously it is not real, but sometimes people go in on it. So I'm like, Like, if you get into one of these Illuminati d Dive videos, they really be out here. Like. And you'd be like, wait, what?

[B]

You know, so I. Have you ever been around anyone who's been accused of being an Illuminati?

[C]

Uh, no.

[B]

I've been around a few people who've been accused of being an Illuminati before. And honestly, once you know them, you're like, this is. There's no way not. You're like, not a thing.

[C]

Just not a thing. We'll say it. We'll bleep the name. Who?

[B]

No, I'm not. I won't absolutely not be saying.

[A]

Because that.

[B]

Because I don't want to. No, I'm not going to say it.

[C]

No, we're going to bleep. I mean, to me, we're going to bleep the name.

[B]

You guys really have to bleep it. I don't. And I don't believe in. I don't believe in the Illuminati. No.

[C]

Not even a little bit? Not even a little bit?

[B]

No. Like, what? Okay, what is the what? Okay, let's talk about the Illuminati to. As far as we understand it. Okay, so the Illuminati is this powerful group of people who have a relationship with certain celebrities and world leaders who are also celebrities in a different way. And they control the media, and they are also in some sort of satanic or. Or. Or demonic ritual. Right. And it seems to involve.

[C]

There's almost like a brotherhood, like some type of brother sisterhood of these, like, powerful people that can. That can. That.

[B]

They.

[C]

They help manipulate what, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Politically, socially, et cetera. Yeah.

[B]

And it seems to. There seems to be some humiliation portion of the ritual.

[C]

Humiliation.

[B]

That's like, what they're always talking about online. There's a. There's a humiliation portion of the. Of the Illuminati ritual.

[C]

The one I see a lot is that. That people sacrifice, like, family members. Yeah.

[B]

But that's because a lot guys. A lot of us have family members and friends who died young or who died in an upsetting way. So they just take the celebrities who have that same scenario and they go, see, See? Told you.

[C]

When. When Doja Cat shaved her head and did, like, all this stuff, and everyone's like, this is part of the ritual.

[B]

That's the humiliation ritual they talk about.

[C]

Oh, got it.

[B]

When.

[C]

When she wore that bitch. The. When she actually. She did that red cap. Really look, girl or. No, she had. What? See Doja cat trolls in back. She. I think she had a birthday party or some type of party, and she. She, like, had, like, horns. Like, she, like, had a red thing. Like, she, like, plays into which I live for.

[B]

Well, a lot of them troll it back. Kesha did. Kesha did one. Madonna has a song called Illuminati.

[C]

She does?

[B]

Yeah. Everybody in the party shining like Illuminati. Sam Smith dressed up like the devil at the Grammys. Lil Nas X did a lap dance in Satan's lap.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So I think at this point, they're all just kind of being camp, you

[C]

know, at this point, they think Beyonce is the devil. Like, every. The amount of YouTube videos dedicated to dissecting every Beyonce performance or song and saying, like, what she's really doing. I'm like, y' all need to be writing. Y' all need to be creating stories. Y' all need to be writing, creating movies. Y' all should be screenwriters. Y' all are so talented.

[B]

Do you believe that someone can sell their soul to the devil for fame? Would you be willing to sell your soul to the devil right here on the podcast?

[C]

If I'd be willing to sell my soul to the devil, yeah.

[B]

Just offer it up to him right now. Tell them you'll do it for fame.

[C]

Oh, my God. This is y'.

[F]

All.

[C]

First of all, I already have fame. This is my.

[B]

I don't like real fame.

[C]

Yo, this is. This. Bob is trying to. Somebody got him. And Bob is in front of y' all trying to induct me into the fucking Illuminati.

[B]

Would you offer. Just offer him your soul in exchange for extreme fame.

[C]

I'm not interested.

[B]

You. But you said you wouldn't. You don't think anything would happen, so why don't you offer him your soul?

[C]

You're a demon. You are a demon.

[B]

I'm just asking you. You said you don't think anything would happen, so just offer him your soul.

[C]

Bob, you're a demon. I'm not engaging with you.

[B]

And he'll give you extreme fame and fortune.

[C]

But I don't want it, so.

[B]

I mean, don't you know that buying a house is very expensive? You have a pool. Ooh, that's expensive. Stop talking about my business. Stop talking about my business. You don't want. You don't want. Who won't shut up about your pool and your fucking blueprints. I'm not. Monet. You will not shut the blueprints.

[C]

I'm not talking about.

[B]

Everyone knows I'm buying a house. We know.

[C]

Okay, that's because I was a stressful time.

[B]

You bid everything short of your dress.

[C]

At this point, the queen who not shut up about the renovations at her mom's home that she bought and, like, oh, my God. The contractor is me, Me, me, me, me.

[B]

I don't know that I. I don't know that I did all that. I don't know that I did all that.

[C]

Bob, you're crazy.

[B]

I don't know that I did all that.

[C]

Yes, you did.

[B]

Let's get back to this deal. Are you going to offer a. Do you want to make this deal or not? Don't you have an EP coming? Don't you have an album coming out soon? Do you want it to go number one?

[C]

Imagine if I did this deal right now, and for whatever reason, let's say in the craziest day, my album wins a Grammys and should have like, oh, my God. I remember when Monet sold her song to the devil.

[B]

Then do your deal right now.

[C]

It's not real.

[B]

Well, Nate, then if it's not real, then just do it. Just do a deal real quick. I'm gonna talk you through what you gotta do.

[C]

How do you know? How the hell do you know?

[B]

I'm just assuming. You gotta say all the things that you want. Listen to me. Say all the things that you want, and then you prick your finger. Listen to me. Drop a little bit of blood into a. Into one cup of water, and then drink it. Are you gonna do it or not?

[C]

I do have a needle right here, and I do have a cup of water. Right? Well, my water. My kind of water.

[B]

No, it has to be. It cannot be anything. It has to be water. It has to be water. It's water. No ice. No ice in it.

[C]

Oh, well, I can't do it then.

[B]

Is your stick not running?

[C]

I can't get up.

[B]

Is your blood sugar low? Go get. Go get some water. Do you want to win a Grammy or not? I'm offering you riches. People are going to be so uncomfortable with this podcast girl.

[C]

I can't.

[B]

People bitch. I'm people. I'm people. Do you want me to let it go and move on? You don't want to do it?

[C]

Yes. Let's go ahead and move on. You're a demon also. White people. White people. It's so cold in this House I am relegated to where a Sherpa to stay warm in my own home.

[B]

I told you about letting one of them in your house. I've warned you. I warned you. You did not want to listen to me. And now it's all happening. Now it's all coming true, honey.

[C]

It's all coming.

[B]

But I do know a guy who can help you get rid of them. All you need is a drop of

[C]

blood,

[B]

and all your dreams will come true.

[C]

Look at you and your little jazzy African shirts. Where did you get these shirts?

[B]

Probably Santee Alley.

[C]

Oh, they're so vibrant, so festive.

[B]

Thank you. I like the shirt a lot. And for those of you who are not watching, you can go over to the YouTube page. You can see what the shirt is that I'm wearing right now. And I. I appreciate your compliment. Thank you very much.

[C]

You're very welcome. I think it might be time to take a break.

[D]

Yes. I mean, we actually took a break after 15 minutes when we were switching microphones over.

[B]

Jake, let the producer produce. Let the producer produce and produce my fucking nuts.

[C]

Produce my nuts.

[B]

And you do your job. Always. I think it's time to. Jacob knows how to do his job.

[C]

Produce my fucking nuts. Okay, bye. And we've been back.

[B]

We never took a break. We've been back the whole time. All that was in there, they heard all that. Well, we heard real, Monet. You did. You did go to my level.

[C]

You did.

[B]

You stooped to my level, honey.

[C]

Anyway, you know what?

[B]

Monet act like she's above it. When Monet thought we was off the air, she was talking produce my nuts. And now she's now working there, she's like, I won't stoop. I will never go to your fake ass, lying ass. Fake it, man.

[C]

I need to get some security on your ass. Because honestly, oftentimes when I'm with you, I really wish I had personal security to keep you at bay.

[B]

And I'm about to give you more reasons to believe that, too. Next time I see you, you're going to really wish we had some. Some security. Sakura T, we have a very complicated order up in here.

[C]

That was. That was bonkweekwee girl. The way she. The way Bonque was bonkweekwing back in the day.

[B]

Yeah, I don't think you can bunk. I don't think she can bunk Queeque today.

[C]

I know. It would never happen. It would never happen. Have you ever had privacy?

[B]

Awkwafina is pretty much still aquafining. She's had the name well, she still has the name and all that stuff. She has all the benefits from aquafining.

[C]

She has a name, but when she got. But she got called out, and she, like, stopped it immediately, which people call it her out for doing, like, a black scent. And she. And her whole argument was, it's not a black scent. It's kind of like. I think so. I don't remember exactly what happened. She was like, I grew up in Queens. Kind of like how we talk. But, like, when she really got called out, she stopped the black scent.

[B]

What's Awkwafina's real name? Nora.

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

Oh, Nora from Queens.

[C]

Nora from Queens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever had private security?

[B]

No. I mean, I. No, you mean, like, just, like, I've done gigs where I've had security at the gig, but I've never, like, gone places with security, like, following me around.

[C]

No, I know that would seem that. I mean, like. Like. Like a. Like a Beyonce or Rihanna. Like, not security following your honor Sauce.

[B]

Santana has security wherever he goes.

[C]

Does he really?

[B]

Yes, he does

[C]

work.

[B]

Everywhere he goes, he has security.

[C]

Maybe we. Maybe should we hire his private security for us when we go on tour?

[B]

I don't think I. I don't think I need private security. I don't think I want to spend that money on that. I think I'm fine.

[C]

Let's Google what is the salary of a. Of a private security guard?

[B]

And are you looking for them just between, like, are you looking for 40 hours a week? Are you looking for nine to five? What's the fantasy?

[C]

A private security guard anywhere between 26 and $40,000 a year. Hmm.

[B]

Monet said. That's. I think Monet must have made that deal. Monet must have made that deal. Cause Monet said, honey, that is chump

[C]

change to me anyway. No, it wouldn't be. I would need it all day, every day. I would probably need it, like, if I was the highest of private security. But like, when I would be, like, going out to, like, a thing in la, but then.

[B]

No.

[C]

Cause those things you.

[B]

Do you think you need security, though?

[C]

No, no, I'm saying if I was the highest, which I don't needs private security. If I was the highest private security, it wouldn't be like. Like when Beyonce's home, her security guard isn't. Or maybe they are just chilling at. They have their own. I don't know. I don't know what that looks like, but is Beyonce security guard? Does he have his, like, post. Does he have his own Room in the mansion. Like, what is the. What is the tea?

[B]

I don't know. I know that. That Jeffree star had mentioned that he has 24 hours security at his house here, that he. His house in L. A. That he bought, like, the last one that he had here. And I think it was just like a. Like a staff person. So it wasn't always the same person. It was, like, different people who were securing his home, apparently.

[C]

Work. Damn. Yeah. I could. I could imagine a scenario where I would need private security.

[B]

When I did, I think when Sasha velour won drag race, I think she had some security for the. For that one dragcon, because she came to do the monster, and I was like, who is that? And she was like, security. I was like, you better work. Honestly.

[C]

Okay, wait. The year she won, she had a private security guard around dragcon, and you booked her to do. Look queen at dragcon, and there was

[B]

a security guard there with her. I was like, work. That is so fierce.

[C]

Private security. Just at the monster. Saw Boston drinking his little frozen margarita.

[B]

Like, no, he was not drinking for it. He was securing. He was doing his. I can't even remember if it was. I can't remember if it was a man or woman or whatever, but whoever it was, they were securing, they were not. They were not taking it lightly. They were securing.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yes. Sasha was secure. And I tried. I tried, and I wanted to test. I tried to tackle her. I said, let me see how secure she is.

[F]

Maybe.

[B]

I got crushed.

[C]

And then he crushed you. And he said. He said, you will not get physical with her. It is not in her nature. And with that, I'm gonna call the show. Everybody, thank you for coming out to lil queen tonight.

[B]

Just last night at your house, I watched Pedro Pascal's death scene in game of thrones.

[C]

Oh, did you watch game of thrones?

[B]

No, but your boyfriend.

[C]

Yeah, me either.

[B]

Wanted to show. I was trying to tell Jasmine who Pedro Pascal is. And she was like, who's Pedro Pascal? And then he was like, did you watch game of thrones? And she was like, yeah, I love game of thrones. And he was like, this guy. She's like, I don't remember that. And then he played it. And then she was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pedro Pascal got it.

[C]

Oh, yeah, I don't watch game of thrones either, but are you watching?

[B]

He had a very, very violent. I mean, they're all the deaths and not all the deaths, but most. A lot of the deaths in game of thrones are incredibly violent. It is a I think Pedro Pascal might be one of the most violent deaths in the Game of Thrones.

[C]

Now I'm going to watch it when we finish this. You got to see it kind of.

[B]

I mean, I can describe it to you, or do you want to just watch it? You want me describe it? I want to watch it and see if it matches up.

[C]

You know, let's take a break, and then we'll talk about that.

[B]

All right, we're back.

[C]

We're back. Sure. Describe it to me.

[B]

Okay. So Pedro Pascal is fighting the mountain. Who's. Who's, like, this huge man who, by the way, I met one time in real life. The mountain was on a plane with me once, and he was so large that it. I got nerd. I was like, we need to come with a plan in case this guy goes crazy. Like, he was the biggest person I've ever seen in real life, ever.

[C]

Mountain. His name is just the mountain.

[B]

The Mountain. Game of Thrones. Anyway, so. Oh, wow. So Pedro Pascal is fighting the mountain, and the mountain is, like, kind of big and slow. And he's, like, stabbing him, and he's, like, cutting his ankles. And then he, like, stabs him through the neck, I believe, or through his chest. And then once he's on the ground, the mountain is, like, dying. And Pedro Pascal's character is, like, walking around being like, you assaulted my sister. You killed her children. And you need to say her name right now. Say her name right now and tell everyone what you did. And then. But the guy's, like, on the ground, dying anyway. Then the mountain, out of nowhere, sweeps his legs, and then he grabs Pedro Pascal by the. By the head, sticks his thumbs in his eyes, and is, like, gouging out his eyes, and he's like, yeah, I assaulted your sister. I killed her children, and this is her name. And then I crushed her skull like this. And then he just goes and crushes her skull.

[C]

His.

[B]

I mean, crushes Pedro Pascal skull the way that he crushes sister skull. Whoa. And Pedro Pascal skull is just completely caved in.

[C]

Jesus Christ.

[D]

The after thing that I'm going to add is that before he went into battle, Pedro Pascal poisoned his spear. So every time he got a hit on the guy, he was poisoning him. So even though he died, he ended up really fucking over the guy who killed him because he had poisoned him with his first hit.

[B]

Yeah. And then the mountain ended up becoming, like, a zombie or something. Then he came back as, like, a zombie. It was weird. Game of Thrones got. Game of Thrones got wild. I Watched. I watched the first and the last season. I watched the first season by myself in the last season in viewing parties with Jacob and his sister and Alfredo and Nick, and I was. I. I think. I think I missed too much. Yeah.

[C]

I tried to watch the first season. It was just too slow. And everyone was like, yeah, you gotta get through the first three seasons. I'm like, I can't.

[B]

Which is wild. No, no. Honestly, at episode 21, you're gonna be hooked.

[C]

Yeah. And I was like, I'm not interested in that. That's too much.

[D]

Monet. Have you watched Breaking Bad?

[C]

I haven't watched Breaking Bad either. I know it's Bob's favorite. Bob would not go all stop talking about how great. And Bad is one of the greatest shows ever. His favorite show. I know, I know, I know.

[B]

Breaking Bad is a very, very. And from. From episode one, season one. It is riveting.

[C]

Have you ever seen the Time Traveler's Wife? The series?

[B]

I have. Not the series, no.

[C]

Well, how did you know? It's terrible.

[B]

Oh, is it really? I try to watch.

[C]

I can't. I couldn't watch. It wasn't good. Had your house ever been broken into? Have you ever had a house as a kid or as an adult?

[B]

Yeah, the first time my house was ever broken into was in college. And it was. Someone we knew is always someone you know because they know where to find your stuff. It's not always, but it's often someone that actually knows you or has been to your house or has cased your joint. So there was a guy that. That me and my brother knew from our childhood. He lived in the same apartment complex as his children. And then we ran into him when we came back to Columbus, Georgia, and he was like, my mom kicked me out, and, like, I don't have anywhere to go. So we were like, come. Come live with us. It's fine. We're friends. Anyway, he stayed with us for a while, and then one day I came home and my entire apartment just smelled like cigarettes. And I was like, you cannot smoke in my house. Like, you can't smoke here. And he was like, nah, man. I was like, no, no, no. There's no nah, man. Like, you cannot smoke in my house. Like, that's crazy. And then he. Okay, Justin came home, and Justin was like, oh, my God, he's still smoking in the house. Like, my. Like, you can't smoke in someone's. That is crazy. Anyway, so we were like, okay, you gotta go, since you're not gonna. Since you're not Gonna, like, follow our rules. You have to leave. And then he came back, like, maybe two days later and broke into our house, stole my PlayStation 2, stole some money. I foolishly showed him where I kept my money. I don't know why the hell I did that. I was like, I've been saving money. See, look how much I saved.

[C]

You probably got everywhere. Your house in Amsterdam. The money was everywhere. Money was on the floor. Money's on the kitchen. Money's in the garbage. You had money everywhere.

[B]

Okay? That's money. There was. I want to be clear. There were some dollar bills in my house. I kept most of my money in a safe. I did not just have money everywhere. All over my house, just littered around the home.

[C]

This is true. But you oftentimes. Not oftentimes, always there was money around your home. Just around your home. And that is a fact. Cause I stole a lot of it. And that's a fact. And you never know that until I just told you.

[B]

Then run me my money, since you still make right?

[C]

I only sold $3.

[B]

Then give me $3.

[C]

Okay? Next time I see you guys give

[B]

me right now, I want you to venmo me $3 right now.

[C]

I will give it back on my terms.

[B]

Oh, on your terms? Then I'll just steal some things for you and give back on my terms. How about that? How's that sound?

[C]

Oh, like my. My Roomba that you still have, that you stole, which I offered to give

[B]

you back, and you said you don't

[C]

want it back, but you stole it because it's. It's contaminated. It's tainted.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'll give it back on my turn when I want to give it back to you that she once stole a leotard for me, too.

[C]

I gave you the one that you have back. The Tyler Wallach. When you have that back.

[B]

I stole it. I had to steal it back from you. Can you put that part in there, too? You didn't hand it back. I had to go up. I had a strong arm. I had to walk up in the house, knock it moving shit, and say, I'm taking this.

[C]

When I move, you move. Just like. That was such a good song.

[B]

Acting like you just brought it back on your own accord.

[C]

I was going to. And also. But let's talk about this part. When you got it back, it was immaculately stoned.

[B]

I didn't ask you to.

[C]

Better than what you left it as,

[B]

based on your opinion. You're the one. First of all, I don't cover everything in stones. I'm not basic. I don't cover everything in stones like you. Okay. Some of us shine bright without rhinestones. Okay. Can I stone your room and give back and say, see, it's better than it was before. Honestly, I stoned it.

[E]

If you stone.

[C]

Stone the room. But that would be fierce. That would be so fierce. I would love that, actually.

[B]

That fucking Roomba.

[C]

No one ever. So there was an instance when I lived in San Luis, someone did break into our house because in the. In the little living room situation, like sitting room.

[B]

Which living room? Oh, the living room. The sitting room. The den or the family room, the great room.

[C]

Anyway, which one was it?

[B]

Which one was it? Was it the. The lower. Was it the chat room? The conference room?

[C]

The chat room, bitch. What? In the aol? It was at the sitting room. See? So do you have this? We had a. We had a sitting room, a sitting room in our home that was. It was a white, like, rug and like a white chair. And no one could sit there. But no one ever sat. There was purely for decoration. It was the. Now looking back, it was so stupid to have this room that no one could sit in.

[B]

When I answer that question for yourself. Do you think I grew up in a house with an extra room that we didn't use? Do you think I had that. Answer that question for yourself. Answer that question real quick before you. Before we go any further. Do you think that Martha Caldwell had an extra room full of furniture that no one could touch?

[C]

It's also a very West Indian Caribbean thing. It's like a thing.

[B]

Do you think Julieta had a sitting room, an extra room that no one could sit in?

[C]

Anyway, Can I tell my story?

[B]

Is that voodoo? Is there. Is there witchcraft in St. Lucia?

[C]

Yeah, they call it. They call it roots. They put roots on you.

[B]

Does anyone in your family do roots?

[C]

No.

[B]

Do you know anyone? Did you go to school? Anyone who did Roots? Probably.

[C]

I mean, they didn't advertise that they did that, but, you know, I'm sure I did.

[B]

Would you let someone put roots on you?

[C]

Hell no, bitch.

[B]

I'm just asking. Do you believe in roots? Do you believe in it?

[C]

I don't believe in it.

[B]

So what does someone need to put roots on you? What does someone need to do that?

[C]

I don't know. It's kind of like voodoo, but it's like the St. Lucia. It's not called like in Haiti. I think it's called voodoo or in. Or in. In Louisiana, but it's the same thing. It's just called Roots.

[B]

So what but what did someone need? Like a lot, like some of your items or just like your. Or be around you or.

[C]

I'm sure there are different things.

[B]

Could you put roots. Someone that you're not even in the same room as or never met?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

[B]

Would you like to invite anyone to put a roots on you right now?

[C]

No, because I don't believe in it. But I think intention is a thing and I don't want nobody's intention of putting some fucking dark sided shit on me.

[B]

Okay, I was just asking. I was just asking.

[C]

Anyway, so in the living room, in the sitting room, they had us. We had sliding. We had sliding doors right there and then pocket doors. Sliding doors, not pocket doors.

[B]

Pocket doors slide too.

[C]

Yeah, but they didn't hide away like pocket. No, they were like sliding doors, Bob.

[B]

Oh, so humble, so down to earth.

[C]

And I think somebody didn't lock it all the way. And we discover like when they came back from, I think from the beach or something, someone was in the house. But I don't remember if they stole anything. But someone did break into our house as a kid. But I was the only time when the cops came.

[B]

What do they do? What do they do?

[C]

We didn't call the cops. You just don't, you don't really call the cops in St. Lucia. Like, nothing was stolen, no one was hurt, so there wasn't a reason to like call the cops. You know what I mean?

[B]

Nothing was stolen.

[C]

You don't file a police report in St. Lucia.

[B]

Nothing was stolen. How do you know someone even came in there?

[C]

Stuff was rustled up. They were clearly looking for something, maybe, but they didn't find what they were looking for.

[B]

Your drunk uncle came in, was like, I think a drunk family came in, was like, I have a guy, I have a friend. You have camera time.

[C]

Do you check out cameras in your house? Because, you know, back in New York, I used to have cameras all up and through my house. I used to have cameras everywhere. Patty used to be like, Monet, I don't feel safe. He's like, every time I come here I am, I am on surveillance. I'm like, yeah, no, you're being watched.

[B]

I don't think that having surveillance in your home when you don't live by yourself is appropriate. Like, I don't, I don't.

[C]

Right.

[B]

I don't need Jacob surveilling my, my behavior, nor vice versa. It seems invasive. You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah. When I lived alone, I lived alone in New York. Now here in la, I don't have any because I. I live with someone, so. Any other side. I think that's weird.

[D]

We live in an apartment building with cameras. So, like, if someone is. Wants to break into our apartment, they would have to leave. Like, they would have to jump over like our balcony and out a window in order to avoid being seen by the camera.

[B]

Well, don't give them the techniques.

[C]

Jacob was like, as the ones who wanted to break in, they should scale the second floor balcony on top of the bathroom window and then go through that pocket door there. That's the way you'd break in. That's how I would do it.

[B]

I was like, Jacob, not the, not the details. Jesus Christ.

[C]

But even when you lived alone, did you have cameras in your home when you lived alone?

[B]

No. I mean, I lived alone in New York City for a while. No, I did not have cameras. Camera. I never had cameras in my home. No.

[C]

Yeah, I did.

[B]

But also cameras weren't as ready, readily, like, affordable or accessible back when I lived in Amsterdam. And I only lived in. Alone in New York City in the other apartment for a short while.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. When I, when I, when I fully move into my house, I'm gonna have cameras outside the property, but not inside, but definitely around outside for sure.

[B]

But I do have a Google camera, like, ring. Like, it's not a ring, but it's like a Google doorbell at my mom's house.

[C]

And I guess that's linked to your

[B]

phone and her phone, but I'm always like, checking up on my own family to see what's going on. And it's usually just my uncle sitting on the porch smoking cigarettes. I have so much footage of my uncle sitting on the front porch smoking cigarettes. Like, I mean, when I tell you like it is, it is wild how often my uncle sits on the front porch and smokes cigarettes. I'd be like, this is, this is crazy. This is wild. Yeah.

[C]

People that smoke cigarettes and have dogs in the wintertime. I'm like, you're dedicated to this habit, like, to go outside in like, negative, whatever weather. I would see people smoking Minnesota. And I was like, there ain't no cigarette tastes that fucking good that you're gonna be outside smoking this shit right now. There's no way it's negative 13 degrees outside.

[B]

I mean, I would never. But that's just me, you know what I mean? Right, folks? Really be in these streets, in these streets smoking cigarettes, smoking gut rats. I got to charge the doorbell.

[C]

Can we, can we, can we do a live stream of your, of your, of Your mom's Google home doorbell.

[B]

No, no, absolutely not. Absolutely not for no reason would I do that.

[C]

So recently Bob and I, we both went to the Oscars gifting suite. And did you see the hummingbird camera thing?

[B]

No, what's that?

[C]

It was like one of the.

[D]

I did. It was the bird feeder camera.

[C]

The bird feeder camera.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[B]

I told them I don't really fuck with birds and I left it same.

[C]

I didn't want that shit either. But you know.

[B]

Oh, oh, Andy.

[C]

Oh, Andy.

[B]

Like yeah, we should, I'm like, bitch for what?

[C]

He's like in the house so we can like see. I don't care about these fucking hummingbirds. I don't care about these hummingbirds.

[B]

When I went to Oscar, I said, I don't want any, I don't any drinks, I don't want any alcohol and I don't want anything with food. If it's food, drinks, alcohol, I'm just passing it immediately. You didn't say those.

[D]

A little bit more about the gifting suite and exactly what it encompasses.

[C]

So the Oscar gifting suite is, is a thing they do Oscars weekend and they invite celebrities to it and they give me. And apparently still apparently. And then so what it is is you get, you get a free thing, but you have to take a picture with the product and the brand so that they can use it for their promotion of it. And also they hold that you use this stuff and that you tell more people about it and, and, and you post about it that you're using it. So it's like, it's an exchange for. An exchange for getting this, these free things like liquor or a bird feeding camera or whatever it is. Then they get to get a picture of you with the product.

[D]

And to clarify, you don't just walk up and you're not like, you don't just be like, I would like this. And you take a picture, you walk up and they talk to you about how amazing their product is for 10 minutes.

[B]

They pitch each.

[D]

And then you have to do.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, they pitch each product to you, tell you all about it. And they're not just products. There's like books, there's charities, there's, there's food, there's a lot of different stuff.

[C]

You don't have the food.

[B]

I, I stopped by the Subway guy. Not Subway, Ike, Ike's, Ike's subs or Ike's sandwiches.

[C]

That hibachi house was everything that dude cooking that cooked them steaks in four minutes in that thing. That steak was so good.

[B]

I Would. I don't eat steak. Not interested.

[C]

Why?

[B]

I just don't like the way it tastes. It doesn't speak to me. It doesn't speak to my taste buds.

[C]

Is it the beef?

[B]

I don't think I've done a deep dive into why I don't like steaks, but I think that I don't care for the flavor profile. Whenever I was eating a steak, I was eating it so well done black. I was eating it medium well to well done. And it was really just so I could eat the A1 sauce. It was never about the steak. And I just don't think that my palate is refined enough or maybe not fit for that steak life. People who be in these streets eating rare steaks, I don't.

[C]

That's crazy.

[B]

What are you getting out of this? What are you getting out of this?

[C]

So also, it'd be seasoned with.

[B]

It'd be a little bit of salt and pepper. They'd be like, oh, oh, my baby. I'm like, you just ate some salt and pepper on a piece of steak. For me, you know, I really like my food to be like, I don't know. It's just not that. I think the reason why I want to eat. I prefer to eat chicken is because chicken is never about the flavor of the chicken. Eating chicken has nothing to do with how the actual chicken tastes. It's about what you're putting the chicken in. It's about how you're breading the chicken, how you're cooking the chicken. Whereas with steak, it's usually about the steak. It's like about the cut of steak.

[C]

Well, and I would say, you know, growing up. To agree with you, growing up black, I would always get my shit up until I want to say, like, three years ago, I would. When I get a steak or I get some type of beef. Well done, bitch. I'm like, well done.

[B]

Cook my everything.

[C]

Cook my shit.

[B]

Ego. Ego on a snl. Cook my steak.

[C]

Yeah, I would always do that. But now, as opposed growing up black,

[B]

but also, what was like growing up wealthy? Like, did you all have, like, cuts of, like, human

[C]

being, a human bitch? The cannibal episode of the Last of Us was wild. Anyone who watched. Who watched the Last of Us.

[B]

Hey, whoa. What?

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

I'm not giving it. It's a video game. It is literally the fallen author of the video game.

[B]

I've not played the game and I've not seen the show. Now, you gave away a massive plot point that.

[C]

It's not a massive plot point. I just Said the cannibal episode was.

[B]

Stop talking. I didn't know there was a cannibal episode. Stop, stop, stop. Monet. Change subjects. Anyway, why do you hate Pedro Pascal so much? And he likes you. And he likes you.

[C]

I. This picture of me and him at the bodega has been resurfacing. I'm like, that happened, like, four years ago in 2018. Anyway, so up until, like, three years ago, I would get my say, well done. But since, like, over the past, like, two years or so, I now I get it medium. Like, I say, medium well. A little closer to medium than well. That's what. That's always my descriptor. And they're like, God, it's a little pink in the middle. I'm like, yeah. And I think that's good for me.

[B]

I just couldn't see myself ordering a steak at a restaurant. I don't see that for me.

[C]

Well, you ever been to restaurants when they have, like, the $215 Wagyu steak? I'm like, $215 for a steak.

[B]

Can I give you guys a. An extremely shit take?

[C]

Like, what?

[B]

No. I do not like going to eat at restaurants.

[C]

That's so wild to me. I love food so much.

[B]

I love eating food, but I just want to eat it in my home or in someone else's home. I don't want to. I do not like going to restaurants is, for me, usually not fun. First of all, the music is always too loud. And I mean, basically every single time, the music is just too loud. I don't like candles at my table.

[C]

I can't. Y'.

[B]

All.

[C]

This is the craziness that is.

[B]

This is.

[C]

This is the most Bob sentence I've continue. This is so Bob.

[B]

I don't like candles on the table when I'm eating. I don't like it. I don't like the flame. It's too. It's always. It is always too dark. It's always too dark in the restaurant. The New York City restaurants are really dark and loud. And when I tell you, baby, if you scoot your chair back, you are sitting in someone's lap.

[C]

That is true. New York City restaurants are so tiny.

[B]

Like, you be sitting. If you scoot your chair back, you are bumping into someone else. You're in their lap. You can hear their whole conversation. I don't want to hear your conversation, and I don't want to look over at you and have an interaction with you at your table. I don't want to be like. Like, I don't Want to wait outside and don't. And you have a party of 20, baby. If 19 of you are there, we're sorry. We can't see partial parties, bitch. There are 20 of us. Sit us down. Cook my meat.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

I like. I love. I'm so obvious. The opposite. I love going out to eat. Something that Andy and I probably enjoy the most, honestly, is going out to eat different restaurants and trying different things. He's on. He likes Eater 38. It's like every city. Eater 38, pretty much every city, they have, like, their top. Their 38 restaurants you should go to. And I love going out to eat. I love food. I love food. I love food.

[B]

It's not a lack of love for food. It's the experience of a restaurant that I don't like. I eat food every day.

[C]

But how you gonna get. How you gonna get to experience? Like, sometimes you can. You. Then you will never experience, like, really crazy or different food because they normally don't do takeout. Or if you get takeout, by the time you get at home, that shit is just not fresh. It's cold. Like, the damn. They package it. But the mashed potatoes done sloshed into the pickles, and you know what I mean? It's just not the same experience of getting it right there. Hot when ready and fresh.

[B]

Well, hash, mashed potatoes and pickles.

[C]

I'm just. I don't know. I'm just giving an example, Bob. I don't know. Bitch.

[B]

I was like, what is this meal with mashed potatoes? And I'm imagining a burger, but instead of fries, you have mashed potatoes. For some reason, I do love mashed potatoes a lot. You know, I like to eat. I was a.

[C]

What is that line? I do like mashed potatoes a lot.

[B]

What? I love mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes are great. Potato soup is so, so good.

[C]

Food has a baked potato soup, Bob. No, it's a baked potato soup. Oh. It's like 10,000 calories, but it's delicious.

[B]

Can someone, like, play Monet's voice from, like, episode one to now?

[C]

You're.

[B]

You're getting, like, more ever since the St. Lucia video came out. Sweet of St. Lucia video. You are so Caribbean now. I. I don't know what's going. Your accent is so thick now. Baked potatoes.

[C]

I did not say that.

[B]

Monet said whole foods has a baked potato soup.

[C]

I did not like that.

[B]

You said. You said whole food has a loaded baked potato soup. I was like, what in the Rihanna is going on? What in the ponderplay is Happening on this podcast. Okay, so let me tell you what the food experience that I prefer are. I like to eat at people's houses, but also, I don't have a refined palate. So when people get offended if I don't like something, I'm like, baby, that's on you. I'm not gonna try it. I don't like, like, for example, y'. All. I don't like potato salad. It's not about you. I don't like mayonnaise. I don't like mustard, and I don't like. I don't like them mixed with potatoes. I don't care what you add to it. It's not about you. I don't like potato salad, so I'm not gonna eat. I will not be eating a potato salad. I am absolutely not interested. And I don't care if you're upset, and I'm sorry. So there is sometimes why I don't. That is one of my. That is my one reservation with eating at people's houses. When you were younger, did you play the game where you try to break each other's pencils?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. You played that.

[B]

We should do it with makeup brushes.

[C]

At school, did you play the one with sporks? Did you have sporks? Of course. Everyone had sporks in school.

[B]

We did not have sporks.

[C]

School must be nice. Damn, I don't know you now, who grew up rich?

[B]

Okay, first of all, plastic forks are more expensive than having metal wear.

[C]

No, no, no. Wait.

[B]

What is more. Plastic wear is more expensive than metal wear?

[C]

I don't. I mean, yeah, in. In terms of, like, for the planet. Sure.

[B]

No, for the person buying new forks every single day, you have to buy the. You have to use new forks and throw them away every day.

[C]

But how much does it cost to get metal fork? So, like, yes, say, over the life of a metal fork. The metal fork might cost you what it is by Keep on reordering the plastic ones because they're so expensive.

[B]

It might, but it depends on how. How often you're throwing away metal forks and how. And also.

[C]

And also, kids bitch. These bitch.

[B]

Kids lose their bitch, they lose everything.

[C]

How many kids probably throw away forks. The metal forks in your school on a daily basis?

[B]

Probably a lot. But there's also someone who goes through the. You know, because we. So the way we did it, I don't know how y' all did. We had plastic trays, and then you would just put your entire plastic tray.

[C]

You would.

[B]

On the thing. And then the lunch lady or the lunch person would dump it and then wash your dishes for you.

[C]

I don't remember. It was long ago. Also in high school, we didn't do. We didn't eat school lunch. We got to go out. That's when I'll go to the Glory Hills and stuff.

[B]

You guys didn't have school lunch provided to you?

[C]

They did. But no one ate school lunch besides the middle schoolers.

[B]

I ate school lunch every day. Every dizzle.

[C]

Honey, honey, we were cool. In New York City, kids, we didn't eat that. We would go and have our coffee and our cigarettes and I'll go to the glory holes.

[B]

Honey, I'm sure there's some kids who are like, I cannot afford to go have coffee every day. Not everyone grew up like Richie Rich.

[C]

Anyway, so what I was. Oh, what I was saying. What was I saying? What were we talking about? Oh, we will play Sporks where you would. You would bend. So you have the spork part and actually the handle. And you bend the tip of the handle to make like an anchor. And then you would. And then the person would hold their spork out and the goal is to break their spork before yours breaks. So you like flip and you would like tack and then you'd turn yours around and they got to break your. Try to break yours. You guys would go back and forth, back and forth. That's what we played.

[B]

I never played that. I never played that game. We used to play Thump, where you would dump each other's hands until someone gave out. And we play Mercy, where you grab people's hands and then try to bend their hands.

[C]

I have the video of you and Andy playing Mercy. We're going to include it. I'm going to send it to. I'm going to send it to Jay and Jacob right now of you. Of you and Andy playing. Andy gathering you.

[B]

How did I get gathered? Andy lost both times I played him in.

[C]

Honey, I have.

[D]

Which time is this? In the movie theater or the other one?

[C]

Don't worry, y' all will see both times.

[B]

Both times when he lost. Literally both. Cuz Jacob has videos too. So whatever Mon's edit, whatever edited video Mon is showing, I will show you the unedited version. Thank you, Jacob, for always being there recording. Anyway, I know your boyfriend, but. And your boyfriend went and trained and I still whooped up on him and I said, nate, Dave's hot chicken.

[C]

Can I tell you one of my favorite experiences, because they were just always so cool, was our high school security guards like, like we, like, with, like. We became, like, not friends, like, hanging out with them, but they were like, crack jokes with us, and they were like, they would. I just remember our high school security guards being, like, the dopest people. They were always so fun and so cool and so fierce. Did you have the same experience with high school security guards?

[B]

We didn't have high school security guards. We had school resource officers. There were police officers who worked at our schools.

[C]

Oh, damn.

[B]

And they were cops. And they did not kiki with us. They arrested some of us.

[C]

We go to school safety in New York. School safety. That's what they're called.

[B]

They're called SRO School resource officers. And they. A lot of my. Not a lot, but there were several arrests made in my high school. Several.

[C]

Damn.

[B]

Like, if you fought at my high school, you were arrested.

[C]

Damn.

[B]

Welcome to Atlanta.

[C]

Welcome to Atlanta. Where the players play. I mean, ride dick, like, every day.

[B]

Ride on dicks every day.

[C]

Big streets.

[B]

Did you say ride on dicks every day?

[C]

And the party don't stop. Dude, who is that? Is that J.D.

[B]

i think it's Jermaine Dupri.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

No.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Is it Jermaine Dupri?

[C]

And it did. Won every city.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Do you remember that?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

I think P. Diddy did the New York one. Welcome to New York.

[B]

Welcome to Atlanta. Where the players play. And we ride on them things, like, every day. It's riding them things every day. The party don't stop till. Is it eight more?

[C]

Okay, yeah, eight more. Should we do the gay one?

[B]

Well, I mean, I think you just wrote it. We're riding them dicks every day.

[C]

And then we pass it to each city. You'll do Atlanta. I'll do New York. Where is who? We should really do the gay one. That'll be fierce.

[B]

There's Seattle Jinx, here to make your stepson swoon. Hello, world. It's Jinx Monsoon, here to make your stepson swim.

[C]

Oh, my God. We should. And Trinity can do Orlando. But you. You'd have to write Trinity's for her, though.

[B]

No Trinity. To Alabama.

[C]

Alabama. That would be good. Oh, my God.

[B]

Welcome to Alabama. Where you stay in a slammer and then fuck your cousin and fuck your mama. As someone from Alabama, I can make that joke.

[C]

I was gonna say Eureka could do welcome to Tennessee. But we ain't fucking with Tennessee right now, girl. No Tennessee on this one. When we need to Tennessee, they're like, bitch, we're here. Oh, that was good.

[B]

No, I think that. I mean, well, I would want to do. First of all, I would say this, you know, I think that. I think about where, like, you live in la, you're probably going to live here for a long time. And the only way I would go back to New York City is if I could afford to live there really, really comfortably. Like, I wanted to be in a nice place in New York City. I wish I could afford to be bicoastal, but I currently can't afford to be bi. Coastal. I can't imagine having a rent in New York City unless I was renting like a room. And I would want to go to a room. I want to have my own place. You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But then I. But whenever people ask, like, I don't. I really don't feel like a. Like a Los Angeleno. Like, I feel like a New Yorker. Even though I lived in LA for two years now.

[C]

Yeah, I still feel like.

[B]

I mean, I don't know. I don't know.

[C]

I mean, I feel like both. I feel like I'm in New York and I feel like in Angelino right now. Like, I. But also I feel like I do a little bit more exploring in LA than you do. Like, I go out to a lot of restaurants, I go out to, like been out to Venice. Like, I really go around LA and like, try to like soak up a lot of la. No pun intended.

[B]

I go places, Bob.

[C]

Where in LA have you explored like that?

[B]

Just cause I don't go to restaurants doesn't mean I don't go places.

[C]

I did not stay to any restaurants. I've been to O.C. i've been to San Diego, I've been to Venice. I've been to, like.

[B]

San Diego's not la.

[C]

I know, but. But it's part of the culture.

[B]

I've also been to San Diego, by the way, just for the record. I've also been to San Diego, but

[C]

like, spent time and like did like stuff and activities.

[B]

Yes, I've been to. I've been to Monet. I have been to.

[C]

My name is Monet, bitch. Mo. Nay.

[B]

This may shock you, Monet, but I've been around the world and I've been. And I do things. I have not lived my 36 years just sitting on my thumbs and I

[C]

like, I've been out to the Six Flags here. I went to Big Bear. And again, those things are not in la.

[B]

I've been to Big Bear, I've been to Big Basin State Park. I've been to Big Basin State Park. I go places. Monet. What did you go to Big Bear? Monet, I do things with my life. Monet.

[C]

When did you go to Big Bear?

[B]

Before I ever even met you. I got sober in Big Basin State Park. I get around, Monet.

[C]

Big Basin? What the hell is Big Basin?

[B]

See, you don't even know. It's a redwood forest Here, in. Here. In the. Here. Between. Here in San Francisco.

[C]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You got sober in California? I'm so.

[B]

Yes, I did.

[C]

I have no idea who you are.

[B]

I've told you the story a thousand times.

[C]

You have?

[B]

Yes, I have. I got sober in the Big Basin State park. In, like, right outside of San Francisco. About an hour and a half outside of San Francisco.

[C]

In my mind, it happens like a fraternity, like, initiation. Like, you come in and, like. But it's like, in my mind, right, when someone gets sober, they make the decision. It's like a mixture of, like, a fraternity, but also like an altar call at a church. Like, you come in, like you're crying, like your hands are up, like you're weeping, and. And, like, it's like a whole thing in my mind. I know that's not how it is, but in my mind, that's what happened.

[B]

Well, don't forget the drop of blood and the cup of water. That is very important. That is a very important part of getting and staying sober. But, yeah, and I think.

[C]

And I think that's because of Euphoria. I have it in my. At the end of episode of season one, I think, or season two, when she relapses, is. And it's that guy singing, oh, Lord, you know, I'm tired in my mind. I think that's why that's in my head. Oh, my God. It's because Euphoria.

[B]

Well, when you join. When you join the program, they give you a DVD set of Euphoria. By the way, Euphoria was actually filmed years ago. I got my copy euphoria 15 years ago when I got sober.

[C]

Anyway, yeah, I think. I think we did it, right. We did the episode.

[B]

Bye, everyone. But goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye. Goodbye.

[C]

Well, because I feel like you don't care about.

[B]

We did it. Goodbye. We did it. Goodbye.

[C]

We did it, Bob. We did a podcast.

[B]

Money Got Somewhere to build. Nowhere when they got to be. Monet, it's time for a break. We gotta go.

[C]

I don't have anywhere to be. Wait, Bob. We can't end like this. Don't do this. Don't do this.

[B]

I said what I said I think we did it. To quote, we're not ending like this. To quote Monet, I think we did it.

[C]

So on security. The moral of the story is, is that I would like security, but.

[B]

Bitch, can we end what? Monet, you are just. We can end it. You don't have to find some crazy.

[C]

No, I want to hire you to be my security. I will say, because sometimes when Bob will do a thing like Bob is off and he wants to really hang out and he's not being shady, and he'll be like, monae, I'll come to a gig with you. I'll be your assistant. I'll be a security like you have the Never Forum. You do a very good job. So I would hire you.

[B]

I'm not looking for any work right now. Thank you for the. You are giving me. Now you're treating me like Sophia in the Color Purple. Your children are so clean. Would you like to come work for me?

[C]

No.

[B]

Bitch, hell no. What you say? I said hell.

[C]

Hell no.

[B]

No.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

All right, all right. I think we've done it. Goodbye, Monet.

[F]

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