The One About Sobriety

Summary

Sibling Rivalry — The One About Sobriety (May 4, 2022)

Hosts: Bob the Drag Queen & Monét X Change
Episode Theme: An honest, irreverent, and hilarious deep dive into sobriety, personal experiences with addiction and recovery, and the quirks of sober culture in queer circles and beyond.

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Bob and Monét, two of drag’s sharpest comedic minds, discuss sobriety from both personal and observational angles. Bob shares moving stories of his own journey through addiction towards recovery, while Monét expresses fascination with sober culture and community, playfully admitting to “attracting” sober friends. The duo break down the nature of sobriety, recovery programs (like AA), misconceptions, and the impact of sobriety on friendships and personal growth. All of it, of course, is delivered with their signature banter, candidness, and wit.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter and Empath Talk

• The episode kicks off with lighthearted teasing and a riff about Monét’s apparent obsession with sober people, then pivots to a debate about being an “empath.”
  • Bob jokes that calling oneself an empath is a red flag:

    “Someone describing themselves as an empath is a red flag. To me. That’s a red flag if you say ‘I’m an empath.’” — Bob (08:53)

  • They debate whether sensing vibes is paranormal or just picking up social cues, with Monet insisting on "energy" and Bob rejecting the concept.
  • The chat morphs into a philosophical discussion about the soul, existence after death, and the agnostic/atheist perspective (15:09-16:07).

2. On Aliens, the Universe and Existential Musings (16:07-21:53)

• Monét and Bob riff on “Everything Everywhere All At Once,” the possibility of extraterrestrial life, and humanity’s place in the universe.
  • Bob:

    “I think statistically there probably are [aliens]. It just seems really unlikely that we’d be on the only planet that can support intelligent life.” (17:20)

• The existential sadness of humanity’s limitations is volleyed, with Bob gently reminding Monét to be grateful she probably won’t live to see the end-times.

3. Introducing the Main Topic: Sobriety (22:10)

• The conversation pivots to sobriety—Bob’s journey, Monét’s curiosity about sober communities, and public perceptions.
• Monét jokes about “outing” friends as sober and Bob clarifies distinctions in recovery language:

  “Within the sober community, there is not drinking and being sober. …If you had a wild night and you wake up the next morning and you’re no longer drunk, sober people would not consider you sober.” — Bob (24:50)

4. Personal Stories: Bob’s Path to Sobriety

[34:01-41:42]

• Bob recounts a pivotal drinking incident during his children’s theater tour, waking up after blacking out in a child’s room, having trashed the space and embarrassed himself.
  • “The goal was to blackout.” — Bob (36:24)
• The slow realization that destructive behavior was escalating led Bob toward seeking recovery.
• On the change in friendships:

  “I really don’t think that—I love that most of my friends nowadays don’t know me as a drunk…All my friends before, that’s all they knew me as.” — Bob (41:51)

• Monét empathizes but shares that blackout experiences have been rare for her, and she’s never developed an addictive relationship with substances.

5. Tough Love, Friendship & Boundaries

[42:43-46:35]

• Bob and Monét discuss the impact of substance abuse on friendships and professionalism.
• Both agree they would confront the other if they noticed a problem:

  “If I had a friend who I thought developed a problem, I would probably, you know, I actually had a close friend who went back to drinking, and we had to stop being friends.” — Bob (44:31)

• Bob shares the recovery adage:

  "You come for your drinking, but you stay for your thinking." (45:41)

6. Recovery Culture: AA Meetings, Community, and Language

[47:00-54:27]

• Monét, fascinated, asks about AA meeting rituals, lingo, and crosstalk etiquette.
  • Bob walks through the structure of meetings, the no-crosstalk rule, and the meaning behind asking, “Are you a friend of Bill?”
  • Monét:

    “The thing I like about it most … is it builds a specific— it fosters a specific type of friendship and community… I think is very beautiful.” (52:21)

7. Safe Spaces & Inclusivity in Recovery

• Bob notes the diversity of AA rooms:

  “You’ll have, like, trans meetings where everyone there is an alcoholic and trans. So you have this double shared experience.” (53:02)

8. Identity, Language & Generational Shifts

• The duo touch on reclaimed slurs (“queer,” “n*gga”), how their families use or avoid certain words, and the generational context for language.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote/Description | |-----------|----------------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 08:53 | Bob | “Someone describing themselves as an empath is a red flag. To me, that’s a red flag if you say ‘I’m an empath.’” | | 17:20 | Bob | “I think statistically there probably are [aliens]. It just seems really unlikely that we’d be on the only planet…” | | 24:50 | Bob | “Within the sober community, there is not drinking and being sober... typically, sober people might refer to you as dry.” | | 26:14 | Bob | “I do think that you have a weird obsession with sobriety. Of all my friends, you talk about it more than any…” | | 36:24 | Bob | “The goal was to blackout. And I would wake up and remember waking up in this little girl’s room...the room was trash.” | | 41:42 | Bob | “I’ve been sober for 5,053 days.” | | 41:51 | Bob | “Most of my friend nowadays don’t know, like, me as a drunk…as opposed to before, that’s all they knew me as.” | | 44:31 | Bob | “Had a close friend who went back to drinking…we had to stop. You really have to want to get sober yourself.” | | 45:41 | Bob | “You come for your drinking, but you stay for your thinking.” | | 53:02 | Bob | “You’ll have, like, trans meetings where everyone there is an alcoholic and trans…” |

Additional Memorable Exchanges:

• Monét shares the curiosity and reverence for the support structures AA creates, despite never having struggled with substance abuse herself.
• The duo’s playful teasing — e.g., reenacting AA meeting dynamics, Bob clowning Monet for “outing” sober friends.
• Deep, authentic sharing of the emotional underpinnings behind addiction.

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Sober Meeting Recommendations (NYC)

[63:13+]

• Bob lists favorite AA meetings in NYC:
  • Red Door (West Village)
  • 57th Street Clubhouse
  • Rainbow Room
  • Perry Street (“always drama”)
  • Midnight on Houston (legendary late-night meeting)

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Recovery Glossary & Rituals

• “Qualify” — To share one’s story at length in a meeting, typically the main share.
• “No crosstalk” — The rule that prohibits directly responding to someone else’s share.
• “Friend of Bill” — Coded AA-speak to discreetly identify others in the program.
• The Serenity Prayer and The Lord’s Prayer — Traditional prayers said at the closing of many meetings.

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Reflections, Acceptance & Community

• Bob closes with characteristic humility and encouragement for those seeking help:

  “Just Google AA and put in the name of your town...You will find meetings.” (63:13)

• Monét commends Bob’s 5,000+ days of sobriety and the episode ends with both reciting the Serenity Prayer together, with laughter, warmth, and genuine support.

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a thoughtful exploration of sobriety laced with humor and realness, demystifying addiction and recovery while showing respect for the power of community. Both hosts model vulnerability, growth, and the importance of holding space – whether for fun or for healing – while never letting go of the joy at the heart of queer friendship.

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For resources or to find a meeting:

“Just Google AA and put in the name of your town.” — Bob (63:13)

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Monet James]

I'm Kiana, and I leveled up my business with Shopify.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Once I figured out that Shopify was a thing, I never turned back. I can create a site with my eyes closed. Shopify thinks ahead of us, you know, and it thinks about the customer more than anything. Every day I'm thinking about some other new business, but Shopify is doing it to me because it's so easy to use. It's like, I can't stop. I'm addicted. Start your free [e-mail] Summer is here,

[Monet James]

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[Bob the Drag Queen]

My name is Bob the Drag Queen.

[Monet James]

And I'm Monet James.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

And this is simply rivalry.

[Monet James]

On today's episode, Bob writes a SZA

[Bob the Drag Queen]

song we talk about Monet's favorite topic is sober.

[Monet James]

And we find out what made made Bob say this.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

And the actor on stage is acting sad. Can the empath tell that they're in a good mood? Can the empath tell they're like they're not really sad? And we find out what made Monet say this.

[Monet James]

Grandma age. I would say grandma you're officially. I mean, obviously you can be a grandma as young as what, probably fucking 30 years old, who knows? But when I think like grandma age, I'm thinking like 65. Bob, see if you can name this song. I be so sick of you niggas. Y' all contradict. And I be so bold with myself can you come and fuck me? I feel so ordinary except when you around me Treat me like corduroy Wear me out arguments you air me out thinking about your whereabouts I don't know

[Bob the Drag Queen]

the song but I can tell that it's sza.

[Monet James]

How could you tell?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Because the way it's amazing and and like the way how I be doing this and it's just. And every reconciles and I can write a sister song.

[Monet James]

Okay, just write one and sell it to her. But you become a kajillionaire, not a K right now.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You make be like you just like them other niggas but you just ordinary and you be Looking at me, you be wanting, scaring at me. I be getting my feelings hurt. And what ain't doing you, baby. You know what you do when you be coming through? Write a song, buy it. It's called Org.

[Monet James]

You show me one of your weird hair looks today. It looks very cool. This third season looks very cool.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Thank you. You know, season three, we back at it. Step aside. I'm back again. And Domino is the whole team. Domino, Gloria, Layla, McQueen are really all on top of their game.

[Monet James]

Yeah. I'm very excited to see it. I've asked to make a cameo on this season. I have not heard back, but I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that I will be asked soon.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Well, we go to small towns and you live in la, and we would love to have you view, but you do live in Los Angeles, and y'

[Monet James]

all can fly me in. You got money.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

There's people who live in small towns. We don't ship people from big towns to small towns and act like they're from small towns.

[Monet James]

Yeah, but I don't want help. I want to. I'm here to help y'.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

All. Well, that's not how we're here works. It's very kind of you. We have a structure. We're trying to stick to it. It's not about celebrity. We don't do, like, celebrity appearances on our show, you know.

[Monet James]

Okay. Well, it's worth asking. You are. You're looking very skinny.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I'm not. You should know that. I am not. And you are.

[Monet James]

You look. You look. You're looking good.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Well, you know. Well, thank you. You know, I would like to equate my feeling of looking good despite feeling whether or not I'm skinny or how skinny I am. You know, I like to think that I'm looking good at several, many sizes. I'm trying to not equate for myself looking good to being skinny. For me, personally work. You look good, but I. But I have not. I have not lost any weight. So thank you for.

[Monet James]

But that is.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That is. The truth is I have not lost weight. I have certainly not. But I was thinking about this the other day and how I equate. I was thinking to myself the other day, I think. I think that going forward, I. I don't think that I want to, for myself, equate my beauty to my weight loss.

[Monet James]

Right.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Or assume it in other people. Now, I think if someone reaches a goal that they're trying to reach, I want to congratulate them and be like, congratulations on reaching that goal. But I But I. But I have decided to stop equating because, you know, last season. Season two of We're Here, Peter legreco, who's our showrunner, who's like a director but for a reality TV show, he had lost some weight. And I said, oh, my God, Peter, you're looking so skinny. You look good. And he was like, I am really stressed out and sick, and I've lost a lot of weight. And I was like, I apologize. You know, I think I was coming from. That was from my own experience with me feeling about how I feel about losing weight. And I. I put that on you, and I assumed that that meant, oh, honey, Peter's feeling it, honey. She is squinty. And Peter was like. Which. I am sick, I am stressed, and I am tired. I am not. Well. Where are you right now?

[Monet James]

I'm currently in Boston, Massachusetts, at a. Oh, that's right. You would.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You and little homie were running errands today in Boston. Honey.

[Monet James]

No, yesterday we were. We were at a wedding. We went to a wedding in Boston.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You went to a wedding yesterday? Yeah, and I do not. And I told you, I don't like weddings.

[Monet James]

This was a very nice wedding. So he's from Boston, and we stayed by his friend's house for Friday, Saturday, and Andy. And the wedding was yesterday. It was very pretty. It was only just like this. Like, really. The 33rd floor, this really nice building downtown Boston, overlooking the whole harbor. Boston's actually a pretty city. I've been to Boston a bunch of times. At least. At least seven times between different tours and gigs, whatever, but. But I've never, like, spent time in Boston. I was like, I'm there that morning, do the show that night, leave the next morning. Boston's actually, like, the city is pretty. And we went to a wedding yesterday. It was cute. There was straight people. But I sat at a table with, like. So the woman. She is. I don't say her name is inappropriate. I don't know if it's. Saying her name is inappropriate anyway, but she's part of a. She's a director and an actress.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Well, I can't say her name.

[Monet James]

Okay. Alex. Alex. Alex. It was the Alex Linati wedding. Alex and her husband, Andrew. Alex. Andrew and Angela. Not again. Alex.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Is she famous or something?

[Monet James]

She's a director. Oh, I'm about to. Watch me work. Watch me work. I'm gonna get there.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Watch. I was like, why is it inappropriate to say someone's name? I was like, what is going on? I don't know.

[Monet James]

I don't know if that's weird. I don't know. Anyway, but. So she's a director, and obviously she has a lot of theater friends. And so they sat me and Andy at the table. This is Andy's friend. They sat us at the table with a bunch of theater people. And they're all, like, big fans of civic rivalry. So they're all sitting at the table like, okay, I gotta say it, Monet, I love rivalry. I fucking love you. And Bob, I listen to the. Actually listen today and let me just say.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I was like work.

[Monet James]

So it was very cute.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

And were they Team Monet? Were they Team Bob or they Team Monet?

[Monet James]

Team Monet, absolutely. They were all empaths, so they could not be Team Bob.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Oh,

[Monet James]

What is that reaction?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Someone describing themself as themselves as an empath is a red flag. To me. That's a red flag if you say I'm an empath. No, bitch, you're a red flag. It's a red flag. I'm just telling you right now because as an empath. Nigga, you are a red flag, is what you are. Me, an empathic.

[Monet James]

Just because you're not empathic doesn't mean it's a red flag.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Listen, I said what I said. It is a fucking red flag.

[Monet James]

I kind of agree. I kind of agree when people say

[Bob the Drag Queen]

that they're an empath.

[Monet James]

I'm like, God, I just feel. I feel.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You were angry. I was screaming, you're not an empath. You have eyes and ears. I was screaming.

[Monet James]

I have had empathic situations. When you sit next to someone and you just feel. You can feel sad and negative energy. Absolutely. I don't describe myself as an empath, but I do feel empathic at times. For sure.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I do not agree with.

[Monet James]

Do you ever feel empathic ever?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

No. If someone is in a bad mood, it can affect the mood of the room, but I'm not, like, sensing it. It's because they're doing things that are having effects. So if everyone's laughing and one person's like, I'm not. I'm not, like, getting energy. I'm just picking up on their cues, and it's affecting me. It is affecting me negatively based on their verbal and physical cues, not based on some feeling I'm getting off of them. So it's like when someone's like, yeah, I'm an empath. I could tell you were mad or I could tell you were sad. Well, I was crying. I was crying.

[Monet James]

But it's not. Just. Not just. Okay, that's like, that's surface, but it goes deeper than that. Like, let's say, like, I have a decision where, like, someone is sat next to me on a plane and I can, like, feel their sad energy.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That's never happened to me. No, that has never happened.

[Monet James]

I can feel that. It's like a friend thing that happened. Like, I can feel that. I feel that.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

And I know there are some empaths in the comment section right now going bananas. They are mad at me. They are furious with me right now. But let me tell you, right now, whatever the opposite of an empath is, that's me and I'm grateful.

[Monet James]

What is that? I need to find out what is the opposite of an empath.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Hey, Google. Hey, Google, what is the opposite of an empath? No, it's a narcissist.

[Monet James]

I'm not a narcissist. That's me. How is a narcissist. Because they only think about themselves. Oh, I guess work.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

No, I don't think that's what a narcissist is. Hey, Google, what's the definition of a narcissist? A person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.

[Monet James]

Yeah.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Oh, yeah, maybe that works. I am a narcissist. I do have a very. I'm very interested in myself. But I feel like the opposite of an empath would be someone who cannot maybe, I don't know what an empath. Hey, Google. Hey, Google, I think, what's the definition of an empath? A person with a paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual. That doesn't sound like the opposite. I thought the opposite would be someone who can. Who does not have. Someone who cannot sense the energy and vibes of other people.

[Monet James]

Well, I guess. I guess by narcissist narcissism, like, they're so busy being consumed with themselves, they can't. They can't. They don't have the ability to feel emotions or the deals of others. I think that's.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I can pick up on other people's cues, but I cannot. But if you're just sitting there and you're faking it really well, I will not pick up your vibe if you're. If your act is convincing. Like, for example, what if you're at a play and the actor on stage is acting sad? Can the empath tell that they're in a good mood? Can the empath tell they're like, then I really sad? What if the person on stage is acting really happy and that's her job? Can the empath tell that they're actually sad. Also, how.

[Monet James]

I think that's different.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Also, how close do you have to be? What's the range? What's the meterage?

[Monet James]

I think.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I think, for example, in the room. Is it in the same city? Do you have to sit next to them? What's the range for an empath?

[Monet James]

I think the example would be like, for example, you and. You and Jake or you and Ezra. I'm sure Ezra would describe themselves as an. As an empath. Like, for example.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I do not think he would. I don't think Jack. Ezra would do. I don't think he would.

[Monet James]

Ezra. Ezra gives me very empath vibes. Ezra gives me very empath vibes. I don't know. I don't know Ezra, obviously, as well as you do. Ezra gives me very empath vibes.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I'll text him and ask him while we're on the topic.

[Monet James]

And like, so let's say you. Let's say you and Jacob are hanging out and, like, everything is cool. And there's never been a time where you have felt a change in Jacob's energy, even though he's not outwardly projecting that. And you're like, baby, what's wrong? You know what I mean? You never experienced that. That's an empathic moment.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

No, I don't think that is. I have picked up on one of their social cues and said, hey, are you okay? You gotten quiet. Hey, are you okay? Your tone has changed. I have picked up on their social cues, but I've never just, like, without looking, just been like. And I feel their Raven. It's not a.

[Monet James]

That's so. Raven. It's not a. That's a Raven. You do a divorce, Bob.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That's all right. I have picked up on their social cues before, but I have never had a paranormal ability to pick up on someone's. I've never had a paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual. Never on a paranormal level.

[Monet James]

I definitely. If you're speaking of energy, I've definitely had an. And I wouldn't describe energy as. So are we describing energy as paranormal? Because for me, it's an energy thing. Like, I would, like, feel someone's safe change in energy, not necessarily a social cue. I would like it, like an energy thing. I can feel an energy thing for sure.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I mean, I also don't believe in energy, though. I don't. I don't. I don't even think people have souls.

[Monet James]

So, I mean, I know that's.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That's a whole other.

[Monet James]

You think, you think that when they die, it's like X Men 3. The last thing you did burst into pieces like fucking Charles Xavier. They just dissipate.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

No, that's too magical. I think you just. I, I, I've said it before on the podcast. I'll say it again to anyone who's new. I think that being, I think that dying is a lot like before you were born. It doesn't feel like anything. It doesn't feel like darkness. It doesn't feel like void. It doesn't feel, I mean, it's void. It's, it's, it's just the same as, like, how you felt during the Civil war. That's how you will feel after you die. This is why I love my partner so much. I sent Ezra a text to answer the question. I said, would you consider yourself. Would you describe yourself as an empath? And Ezra just sent back three red flag emojis.

[Monet James]

Did. Have you seen, do you. Have you seen everything everywhere, all at once?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

No, but everyone's talking about. I might as well watch it because people are talking about it everywhere, all at once.

[Monet James]

I feel like. So do you believe that, do you believe that there are multiples of you in different, like, existing at the same time?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I don't believe in multiple universes. I think this is the one. We're all on the same. I mean, there are different galaxies, I

[Monet James]

believe, but I don't think I forget what your stance on this. Do you think that humans are the only intelligent life? Do you think that we are the only intelligent beings in all the galaxies?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Probably not, but I don't think that we're within reach. You know, there's a chance that other galaxies, all the planets are like, by each other and they be visiting them. Shit, like Italy and shit, like they go on vacation. They all just happen to be in the same area and they all are bursting with life and people. I got a cousin on Jupiter. I got a cousin living Pluto. I got a cousin live on the moon.

[Monet James]

Do you think. Okay, this is my last question. So you believe. So do you think that they're extraterrestrials? Do you think that that's the thing.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I think statistically there probably are. It just seems really unlikely that we'd be on the only planet that can support intelligent life, you know?

[Monet James]

So what does that put you. So you believe in other. Like, you believe in aliens then?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I believe that aliens could exist. I don't say that I believe in aliens

[Monet James]

could.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yeah, if I found their aliens, I Wouldn't be like, what? I'd be like, that makes sense. I'm a little scared now because they might be here, but I'm like, that does make sense. So I don't think. I can't prove that aliens do exist, but I think that more than likely, aliens probably do exist.

[Monet James]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I think that if someone called me at six in the morning and said, is Monet in drag? I would say, more than likely not. She could be in drag at 6am but more than likely, I'm going to. I would bet money and say she's not in drag. So I would bet money and say there is intelligent life somewhere, but I wouldn't bet. I wouldn't bet the whole house on it.

[Monet James]

Well, let's take a break and I'll tell you about my little theory.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

All right, let's get. Let's take a break. All right, what's your theory?

[Monet James]

Okay, so we.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I think.

[Monet James]

I can't believe we talked about this. And when we did the whole. We did a podcast about, like, heaven and hell, all that believe, whatever. But I'm, I saw, you know me, I love my little YouTube dives. This whole thing. Like, why we've never been in contact with extraterrestrials is because they're, they're, they're so. They're so far advanced than us. Like, they're so much smarter than us. Like, they don't. Like, we're, like, to them, we're like a fucking ant hill in the middle of the. Of the fucking Sahara Desert. Like, why are we bothering with these, with these things? Like, they literally. They're so stupid. Like, they're not worth even messing with.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Well, I don't believe that. Because if we think of them like ant hills, I think that we study. Yeah, we study ants extensively. Like, we know a lot.

[Monet James]

Yeah, but they have so many.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Oh, you mean, like, you mean there's a bunch of other ant hills and we're just one random one?

[Monet James]

Yeah, one random one, like, in the middle of the desert.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I don't think. I don't think that we have the technology to reach each other. I think that if there was intelligent life, they would be very curious about what's going on on other planets. Just like we are. So I don't think that we. I actually. I genuinely don't think we have the ability or the technology or. Nor do they have it to do that. And maybe down the line they will.

[Monet James]

You know, it makes me sad that we would. That I would. That I may never, like, maybe, like, you Know, well, at the rate we're going, this fucking planet is dust in about like an eon or so, which is a long time. But anyway, makes it sad that we made. That we will. We won't be a part of the generation like that is that gets to meet intelligent life or be in space. I'm so sad we won't get to.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

It might not be great when we meet intelligent life. So you might want to be lucky that you're not. Maybe you should be lucky that you're not part of the generation where the sun explodes. You know what I mean? Be grateful that you're not part of it because you know, our Earth is finite. It's gonna. It's gonna end. It's gonna like, girl. It's gonna reach a point where I think that we're not helping it, we're making it worse. But even the Earth on its own would eventually expire. On all planets expire, but exponentially.

[Monet James]

We are, we are, we are, we are. We are fudgeing. We are. We are turning the timer faster. We're like, oh, we're cooking.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

It is. It is inevitable. But I think we're very lucky that we more than likely will not be alive at the time. I think we're more than. We're more than likely lucky that we. We are lucky that we will more than likely not be alive at the time where the Earth can no longer sustain life.

[Monet James]

I want to live on the moon. I was watching this TikTok of like, astronauts and how they, like, they brush their teeth and wash their hair and I want to, I want to experience. I want to experience zero gravity.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You can experience zero gravity. You can experience zero gravity right here on the, on Earth where if you go to, like, some of the space stations, they have zero gravity chambers. So you can experience zero gravity on, on Earth. You don't have to go out of the world to experience zero gravity.

[Monet James]

Oh, well, let's take a field trip. Should we do a semi very field trip to zero gravity world?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

It's just, I think you should say like a space station. They have them at space stations and

[Monet James]

are they just accessible to the public? We're like, hey, I want to come tomorrow.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I do not have the answer to that question, but maybe if anyone knows

[Monet James]

if you're in the com, if you're a patron and you know about zero gravity or you know how to access them, maybe Bob and I can take a field trip to go get some zero gravity.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

It could be fun. I. I feel like there's one in Cal. Does it California have, like a big space station? And I think NASA is in Florida. Oh, I think work. Anyway.

[Monet James]

My. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Oh, well, we're also getting to a whole nother podcast. Bob, what are we talking about today? Your favorite topic.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You'll love it. It's sobriety. We were hanging out with the queen that Monet publicly outed.

[Monet James]

Not publicly out her. I want to say this again. She says at her show, she makes it very public that she is a sober drag queen. So, like Marty. Marty Will Cummings. You'd be hard pressed. And Marty does not tell everyone every five minutes that he's sober. And he stopped quit drinking. Sorry. And they stopped drinking 11 years ago. You'd be hard pressed.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Well, Marty just relapsed, so it is now 10 days ago, so.

[Monet James]

Are you serious? I'm just kidding.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I'm just kidding.

[Monet James]

Jake, that's not funny. Marty will. Bitch. Marty.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Marty.

[Monet James]

You about to get. Marty's about to be. He's blowing your phone up right now.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yeah, my phone is ringing. Right? There it is. And. Oh, sorry. There it is.

[Monet James]

They are. They are calling you right now.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

No, bitch, you're getting called from a gendering member. You're getting called right now. That's what's actually happening, bitch. But we were at the party and then I walked up to. I walked up to Selena and I said, you'll love her. She's sober.

[Monet James]

What is that where you get that from?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That was you. You'll love her. She's sober. That's literally you.

[Monet James]

I said those words actually verbatim.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You'll love her. Oh, my God. Do you even listen to the podcast, Amor? Do you even listen to the fucking podcast, Amar?

[Monet James]

You are wild. I do listen to the podcast. I will say I do. I do tend to attract a lot of sober friends. I don't know why, but I tend to attract a lot of super friends. I have you, Andy, Taylor, Patty, Marty. Who else?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Oh, my God. Who else can you out? Oh, my God.

[Monet James]

I don't know. What is this?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You're out of control. You are out of control. You're worse than we were when we were drinking. I'm trying to find the clip of you going, yolo.

[Monet James]

She's sober.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You love her. You can't go around. Oh, it was I. I gotta bet.

[Monet James]

Was she.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

She's sober. You'll love her.

[Monet James]

She's sober. You'll love her. Ew, why do I stay like that?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Ew. She's sober. You'll love her. Have you ever taken a stab at Sobriety. You know, can I say that there. There is. Within the sober community, there is a not drinking and being sober.

[Monet James]

Right?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Like, if you wake. If you had a. If you had a wild night and you wake up the next morning and you're no longer drunk, sober people would not consider you sober. We. We. We would. Typically, we use the word sober. Like, oh, I'm. You're just not drunk. And if you're someone who does not use a program of recovery, typically speaking, sober people might refer to you as dry. You're dry.

[Monet James]

Yeah. Jay is dry. Dre. Jay has never had a drink of alcohol in his life or did anything.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Jay has never done anything expose Jay. Right now.

[Monet James]

You're getting so wild. He doesn't care.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I'm talking about my own personal experience, strength and hope. And you are out here dropping. Monet says, say their names, honey. These names any. Yeah.

[Monet James]

I don't know why I attract so many sober friends, but also. But I also have a lot of friends who aren't sober. So I guess. I guess. I guess just because the sober ones is such a big life choice and a big. So different than other folks, that's why TikTok is so many. But I guess there's not that many. When I really think about it just.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I mean, I don't think it's that crazy of a life choice. I mean, I do think that you have a weird obsession with sobriety. I really, really do think that you, like. Of all my friends, you talk about it more than any. You talk about it more than me and your sober friends. Like me and the other sober people don't talk about it as often as me and you do. It is more.

[Monet James]

Because I find it fast. I find it fascinating.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I know you are in. You are upset. What's so interesting? What's so interesting about it to you?

[Monet James]

Okay. To me, it's the religious thing because. Okay. Before. All right, right, right. The spiritual thing. The spiritual aspect of it.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You don't even have to be spiritual.

[Monet James]

I know, but I mean, according to. According to Andy, it's spir. Spiritual is. It's not religious, but it is a spiritual. But you get to choose your own spirit, whatever.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Like yours, because Andy has chosen spirituality.

[Monet James]

Okay, so. All right. So I went to a meet. I went to a meeting to listen to a share. And I will say if I have more information.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

What share. What she doing? Was she doing life at the time. What's she doing? What was she doing? Here we go again.

[Monet James]

What.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Sure. Was she doing?

[Monet James]

And if I just walked off the streets into a meeting. Like the amount of times I could hear the word God and how it was run, just not, I'm just talking about like ignorant me just walking in because I wanted help, whatever, just listening to all the words I heard and like the thing my first time going, to me, it would feel like a spiritual religious thing again. I get if I was to go to more and I would learn more about the tenants and stuff, I would see that it's not. But just walking in cold off the street, to me it felt, it seems like a spiritual experience to me.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

And that happens to a lot of people because of how often I talk about God, because AA was founded by people who use religion. But there's also this really interesting section about agnostics. And the difference in an agnostic and an atheist is an atheist is like, I want to be sure I'm right about this. An atheist, Atheist is like there's no God. And an agnostic is like, well, we can't prove that there's a God. We can't prove there is a God. You know what I mean?

[Monet James]

Whereas atheists are like agnostic, a person who believes that nothing is known or can be known for the existence of nature or nature of God or of anything beyond material phenomena. A person who claims neither faith nor disbelief. Like, so they're, so an atheist. I mean, an agnostic is neutral, not

[Bob the Drag Queen]

necessarily kind of to make it as simple as possible. Atheists are like, there's no God. Agnostics are like, we can't prove there's, there's no God. But you know, who knows?

[Monet James]

They believe that something is out there. I, I, I, I define myself as agnostic. Like I, I, I don't know what there is, but I, I feel that there is something out there.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You know, I believe I, I really have chosen. We, we use the term higher power a lot. Some people who don't use the term God will use the term higher power, meaning you don't think you're the end all and be all. There's something in the world more powerful than you are. And you know, for me personally, I had to really figure out what my higher power was because I don't believe in God. And I really say again, what is your higher power?

[Monet James]

I don't think I know this.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Well, for me it really is a combination of three things. The earth.

[Monet James]

Okay, wait, wait, you're frozen for a while. Can you rewind?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Okay, you got it. For me it's a combination of three things. Am I back or am I still Fucked.

[Monet James]

Yeah, yeah, you're here.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

It's the earth. And then it's also like like circumstance and coincidence. Like I believe that circumstances and coincidences are truly a higher power and are very real and don't so like these

[Monet James]

three things are their own like higher powers to you. Like like in my mind how now how I need to rationalize this. Like those are like the three fates basically coincidental circumstance on the earth. Those three things like the three things that are your higher powers or, or control.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

If I don't say coincidence, circumcision, I say logic and reasoning. Like logic and reasoning too. I really believe in logic and reasoning. I mean anyone who knows me knows I really like I, I fucking for logic and reasoning. You know what I mean? And, and I do believe the earth is very, very powerful. Like just the entire the rock we're sitting on is in itself is very powerful. Not in a way that I like pray to the earth and all that kind of stuff, but just it itself is very powerful. You know what I mean? And logic and reasoning, which includes circumstances and coincidence is really, that's the, that's the real tea. That's what makes the most sense to me as opposed to this notion of giving. I also really have a lot of anxiety. What's we're looking for like fear for like the black community with our just how obsessed we are with religion, specifically Christianity and how it has such a stronghold on us and how I think it keeps us down. So I had to figure out what, what, what that was for me and how I could get away from the notion of like God. What do you mean God's gonna restore me to sanity. Like what's God gonna do? But you know, what can we show me to sanity? Logic and reasoning. Logic and reasoning really? Because I think to myself, everyone, not everyone else, but a lot of other people here who are able to be honest with themselves have all figured out a way to get sober. So logic said a lot of sitting in a lot of the people who come here have been able to figure out a way to get sober stop doing drugs and alcohol. Yeah, well to a 12 step program, some 12 step program. And, and I'm like, well then you know, if it works for them, logic and reasoning says it could work for me too.

[Monet James]

Mm work. But I guess for me because also I don't have an addictive personality to stuff. And you know, I know there are so many. There's so much research about like what makes a person have an addiction problem. Like is it like genetics? Is it like, are you predisposed with it? Like, many different things. And I just never found myself. Like, I tried cigarettes. I tried it, like, a bunch of times. A bunch of times, like, twice. And I. And because also, it was cool, right? In high school and in college, like, it was cool to smoke cigarettes. I was like, I want to be fucking cool. I'm like, I just don't get it. So I kicked that. The only addiction I cannot kick is food, bitch. I would love to go to Food Anonymous.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I need to. Food Anonymous. It's called Overeaters Anonymous. And there is, There is brilliant. Oh.

[Monet James]

Oh. See, the thing is, I don't think I overeat. I just want to eat healthier.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Well, Overeaters is not just for people who eat too much. It's for people who don't eat enough. It's for people with, with, with. With eating disorders of all kinds, but it's just called Overeaters Anonymous. It's for people who binge eat, people who purge, people who have exercise, bulimia, all that stuff work.

[Monet James]

Yeah. So when did you. So, okay, so how did you know? Let's take a little break, and I gotta talk. I gotta. Oh, my God. Let's take a break. I'm gonna interview you.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

All right here. Here we go. Sit down, Monet. Swear she Oprah. Swear she Oprah.

[Monet James]

I do not swear I'm over you.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Swear. I, I, I was watching your little, your little food, your little food show today.

[Monet James]

Why are you watching? I, I don't like when you watch my content.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You heard it here, Monet. Don't want y' all to watch our content now.

[Monet James]

I don't want you, you specifically, you don't. If you don't mean.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

If you don't mean to watch it, don't post it. How about that?

[Monet James]

When did you know that you're, like, what did you know that you're, like, definitive, like, I have a drinking problem.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Well, this is a lot. Not a meeting. Not. We're at a meeting. Oh, my God.

[Monet James]

You don't have to answer it. You can ask me stuff.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

This is so much. You know, I. Drinking problems and drug and alcohol abuse runs in my family. And I'm not the only person in my family who struggles with sobriety. And I knew that I was predisposed for a really long time. My father has a drug problem, and a couple other people in my family have drug problems as well. And I really saw myself slowly morphing into my dad and doing things that he would do that I really didn't like that I didn't, that I didn't want that to be me. And I think it was, I was, I was traveling with one of my friends and I got really, I was on tour, actually.

[Monet James]

Jaime.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

No, me and Jaime did not travel together. We lived together. We did not. His name was actually David. Me and David were traveling together doing children's theater. And then I, I, I was like. So we used to do these shows when these families would put us up. So they would like put us in their houses. We would like stay with them in their houses.

[Monet James]

Oh my God. I did that in college too. When we were in Westminster Choir. Westminster. We would travel in the south and shit. We would play say people houses. I used to hate that. I used to hate it. Anyway, go ahead.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I mean I would never today, honestly, 19 year old me, 19 year old Caldwell would, would look at me and be like, why not? And I'd be like, you dumb as hell for doing that.

[Monet James]

Right? I hate that.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

But. So they used to, we would often stay in children's rooms. That happened to us a lot. We'd be in some child's room and the kid would sleep with their mom or they, or the kids would all sleep in the same room, stuff like that. I was in this little girl's room and I remember all the parents in the play were like, we're going to take you out and get you. We were in Reno, Reno, Reno, Nevada. And all the, all the bums were like, oh, we're going to take you out and we're going to buy you as many drinks as you can get. And I said, oh. And I was like, do not challenge me, honey. Oh, because we can, we can drink. So we went to the, we went to the casino or the, or the club. I really can't remember because it was, I, I, it was, it was a doozy of a night and we went out and I. If you're in a casino, the drinks are free as long as you're gambling.

[Monet James]

But then Matt watered down though.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

If you drink enough, you'll get there, don't you worry, Miss Thing. I am the proof and the pudding. You will get drunk if you just, you just. It's a numbers game. So we ended up going to the club, I think maybe, and I got really, I mean, just destroyed. Like I was, I do not remember getting high to blackout almost every single time I would drink. I would black out almost every single time. That was the goal. The goal was to blackout. And I would wake up and I remember waking up in this little Girl's room. And I had like, in my sleep. I had. In my blackout. I mean, I had trashed her room. I mean, it was. The room was trash, the bed was broken. I knocked over her lava. I knocked over her lava lamp. I think I ripped up her school pictures. Everything was just everywhere and everything everywhere all at once. All at once, Miss thing. And then I remember going, like, waking up and coming out of the room. And then everyone was kind of looking at me funny. Like the kids were looking at me funny, the mom was looking at me funny. My. My. My co worker was looking at me funny. And then at breakfast, the mom was like, you. You peed in our bathtub like last night. You like, you stumbled in really, really loudly and like you were peeing in. In our bathtub. Like all, like, not just like. I think I, like, like against the current. Like, I don't even remember.

[Monet James]

It was.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

She was like. And we had to clean up a lot of stuff. And it was. She was like, yeah, whoa, that happened last night. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I don't. I had no. I don't even remember. I didn't remember doing it at all. No recollection. I mean, nothing didn't make. And then I left town and kept drinking. Obviously that was enough to stop me. I was like, oh, it's just a fun night. Isn't it funny? And I would tell my drinking, my drinking stories. And after I left college, I would tell my drinking stories like that. And people would just be less and less impressed and entertained by them and more and more disgusted and annoyed by them.

[Monet James]

And you're a good storyteller, so that's saying a lot.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yeah. They'd be like, this is sad. And I was like, it is kind of sad. And then I decided to do something about it.

[Monet James]

I. The last. I've only like blacked out twice in my life. Once was when I went down to St. Lucia Carnival. I want to say when I was maybe like 18, I had to send you carnival, like right before I had college. And I. No. 2014. How old was I in 2014? I was 24. In 2014. I was 24. Yeah. So that was the last time I ever. I got blacked out. Kameek and I went down to carnival together. And if you are West Indian or if you are living in Atlanta, Atlanta has carnival, ma'. Am. It's carnival. They have cropover in Canada. And it's just like, you know, you have the costumes and they have the big. And everyone is in these Beautiful, amazing costumes. And you pay this fee and you jump in a band in your section. You're in this costume. How many times are gonna say costume? And they're free, like, unlimited drinks.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Are there any costumes?

[Monet James]

They're free unlimited drinks for the entire route. And the route is. Let me try to. Is the route is Roberta from, like, let's say from like 106 in Amsterdam all the way down to, like, the West Village. Like, that's, like, the route. And you're like, in the sun.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That's like 10 miles.

[Monet James]

Yeah, from like 10am until like, 6pm you're doing this route, like, jumping all day in carnival, like, drinking, listening to music, dancing in the streets. Like, that's like, the thing. And then I had been, like, working so hard in college and stuff, and I just. I hadn't, like, been drinking, like, out for a long time. So Kamika and I went down there. We're having a good time, and you just feed your drinks all day. And that was the last time. And I just remember blacking out by the side of the road. They put me on this, like, van. And then I remember, like, kind of I got in my mom's car and went home. And then I woke up and Kumiko was like, girl, you were going. You went through it yesterday. And I was like, ugh. And I didn't drink for a long time after that, but I was like, until now. I'm 32. I've never, ever been blacked out again.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I have blackout. I still drink.

[Monet James]

Even.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I was gonna say, I have blacked out more times than I can remember. I. I literally, if we. If I told you every blackout story, we. This podcast would be our longest podcast yet. I. There are very few times where I did not blackout. I really used to, like, get completely destroyed every single time I was drinking. Which is so funny because people always like, I would love to see you drunk. And I'm like, you honestly wouldn't. It's not. It's not fun. Like, it's not. It's not. Like, this is so fun. It's not. It's not. Like, you're a riot. Like, you're a mess. Like, an absolute mess.

[Monet James]

You have. Are you. Are you annoyed when you see people like, like, like belligerently drunk sometimes?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

If they're annoying? If it affects me, then, yeah, it is very annoying. But if it has nothing to do with me, I'm just like, that has nothing to do with me. What have been days I've been sober. Hey, Google, how many days has it been since June 30th of 2008 was 5053 days ago. I've been sober for 5053 days.

[Monet James]

Congratulations, Roberta.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

One day at a time

[Monet James]

with Jesus.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

But, you know, I really don't think that I love that most of my friend nowadays actually don't know, like, me as a drunk or don't have any context from as a drunk, because all of my friends before that's literally all they knew me as. Like, people. I remember people would call me and the first thing they would say is, I remember one time I called someone, the first thing they said was, are you drunk? And it was like three in the afternoon. And I was like, what? I was like, why would you ask that? I was so offended. I was really, really offended by that. Despite me doing everything in my power to make sure that that was a valid question, I was like, this is bullshit. Am I drunk, bitch? Are you fucking drunk? Do you think that if I had not found a program of recovery, do you think that you would. You would tell me about my drinking?

[Monet James]

Absolutely. I could not be friends with someone, like, if how you're describing. I cannot be friends with a person like that. It would irritate me. I would not want to hang out with you. It would be annoying to me. And if there's any way for us to be friends, you would either have to do something to fix it or just not be close friends. Like, you'd be like one of those people I'll see in a club, like, hey, girl. And also you probably. But to be fair, you probably would not have had much success in New York. And your life would be completely different if you were still going down that path. Because people would not want to work with you. You would not necessarily.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I know lots of drunk messes who've made it very far in life, honey.

[Monet James]

This is true. But in our industry, think about the drunk mess people. They never last. Especially in New York City drag. The ones who are crazy drunks, they don't last like that. They don't go on to do big and amazing things. People get annoyed with them. And promoters don't want to book them. People don't want to work with them. Not saying it's impossible, but, like, more likely than not, people would be like, I'm not hiring this drunk bitch. She's not going to show up. She's going to Bob. You fucking suplexed a baby's bed. Okay? So I'm like, I'm not hiring this bitch to work at my bar. She's going to break my microphone and my stand.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

No, she wasn't a baby. She was like 10.

[Monet James]

You fucking threw this bitch out the window.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You're like, fuck you. I didn't break a crib. It was like a. Like a child, like a twin bed. I wasn't in the nursery. Juggernaut and shit.

[Monet James]

If you thought.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

If you thought.

[Monet James]

If you thought I had a problem, would you tell me?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yeah, 100%. Yes, absolutely. Especially a close friend. Like, if I had a friend who. Who I thought developed a problem, I would probably, you know, I actually had a. Had a close friend who went. Who, like, was my, like, really close sober friend. And they went. And they went back to drinking and that was really, really.

[Monet James]

They relapsed.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yes. Hard. And that was a very tough. We. We had to stop being friends because, you know, I was like, I want to try to help you out, but I can't. You. You really have to want to get sober yourself. It can't. I can't. I can't. Will you back into the rooms? You know what I mean? And it got to a point where I was like, your. Your drinking is so in. Drug use is so destructive that we had to just, like, we had to stop. And the thing about it is, like, there's a saying in the rooms that says you come for your drinking, but you stay for your thinking. It's really not about drinking. It's really not about using drugs. It really has nothing to do with that because the drinking and the drug abuse is really just a symptom of a bigger problem. It's just a symptom of something else in your life that you either don't want to face or that you're having a hard time with or some trauma that you're dealing with or even. Or just, you know, in. In terms of whatever your genetic this. And a lot of people believe that it is a genetic predisposition, but it. It makes you not want to deal with that stuff. So you. You just drink. You try your best to drink. Your problems.

[Monet James]

No, I feel like I've. I feel like I've had. I've had drunk friends. I don't know them, but there was like one close drunk friend I think about, and I don't feel like. I feel like she just liked to have a good time. Like, I mean, again, I don't know her life, but I mean, I was close enough.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

And again.

[Monet James]

But again, I probably did not know everything. But I feel like some people be out here drinking to have fun. Like people Feel like they. Like, they just want to drink and have fun.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That is a possibility. But you also just. You also don't know what she was going through. You have no clue what that friend was going through. You know what I mean? And I can just say from. From my experience of being in the rooms, a lot of us are like, we were. We were medicating ourselves because we didn't want to actually deal with what we were feeling or what we were experiencing in the moment. You know what I mean? So. So the saying is, you come for your drinking, but you really stay for your thinking. Because for a lot of people, the desire to drink goes away, but then you still have this mentality of a person who's still using.

[Monet James]

I went to. I went to one meeting again, for that chair, and I was like. And I know, like, y' all have, like, certain rules. Like, like, don't cross talk. Like, you don't cut someone else. And every time, the aim. Sometimes they can feel a little cunty. So, like. So they. Everybody up in a meeting. The person shared, and then they opened a floor. I don't know if I'm saying the right terms for people on the floor to get up and do their little individual shares and like. Like the smallest.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Okay, let me give you the term. So the person. Typically, this isn't always. This is some meetings. Not all meetings operate this way. A very popular format is one person will qualify, meaning one person will get up and tell you their experience, their strength, and their hope or what it was like, for, like, 20 minutes. It depends on the meeting. Yeah. What it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. And then they will pick a topic or their share will be on a topic, and then they will do a pitch meeting where. Meaning the person who just shared will then point to people who raise their hands and they can respond to it, but not actually responding to what the person is saying. So you're not actually. It's called cross talk. So let's say that Monet was like, hey, my name is Mo, and I'm an alcoholic.

[Monet James]

And then Monet was like, before we even get to that, if the person didn't say that, they were like, say your name. I'm like, oh, my God, this is so aggressive. Relax. It might be their first day.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Okay. What do you mean, relax? There. There's a system in place that works, and a lot of people.

[Monet James]

But it's rude. It's cunty. It's like, say your name. I was like,

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I mean, I think that maybe I Think that maybe you're on the outside looking in and you don't understand why we do what we do and why people say things like that. So in New York City, they don't say. Say your name. They'll say, who are you? So if you just are sharing, maybe.

[Monet James]

Maybe that's what it was. Maybe that's what they said. Who are you? I think that's what.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

In New York City, if you start

[Monet James]

talking, who are you?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yeah, if you start being like, y' all had a rough day. Someone go, who are you? And then you go, oh, sorry, my name is Bob and I'm alcoholic. And then everyone goes, hi, Bob. And it's to keep the formalities, to keep the structure that we have in the room. And it's also to keep principles before personalities. Meaning you're trying to. There are certain things that everyone does in the room, and then we all try our best to follow these rules, and that's what we call principles before personalities.

[Monet James]

And then what happens? It's like, say one person forgets. And then it happened. But, like, the fifth time it happens, it's like the entire room is yelling at, who are you? I was like, oh, my God. I'm like, bitch, let these niggas breathe.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Anyway, you need to tell us who you are, nigga. Who are you?

[Monet James]

So. And the person says a little thing, and then. And then. So they. But at this one meeting, there's one meeting, one kid. I'm obviously not gonna say names, but I guess the person testifies. What'd you say?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Qualifies.

[Monet James]

The smaller ones. This person qualifies every week.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

The big shares are qualification. You qualify. And the smaller ones are shares.

[Monet James]

They're shares. So this person shares every week. So everyone. Like, as this person is sharing everyone in the congregation or the audience or

[Bob the Drag Queen]

the community, the room, it's called a meeting.

[Monet James]

The room. Everyone in the room is, like, snickering and, like, laughing and being, like, shady. And I was like, this is very rude. I did not like that. But overall, it was very nice.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Well, I wasn't in the meeting, and I cannot vouch for why they were snickering or I can't. I don't know what the person was saying. Or maybe the person says the same thing every week. And they're like, oh, my God, here comes Craig, who always says the same thing. Craig. And if you. I'm sorry, now. You actually don't know a content meeting because you've never been to a meeting in New York City. These LA meetings, these lames ain't Shit. These New York.

[Monet James]

What do you mean?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Oh, girl, these New York are real. New York meetings are real. Honey, you. You will get very few words out before somebody yells, who are you? There are certain meetings where you're not allowed to talk about. You're not allowed to talk about. Like if you're in an AA meeting, you're not allowed. If you're in a meeting for alcohol, you're not allowed to talk about cocaine or weed. Like, if you.

[Monet James]

If you talk about what if you do, I'm like, hey, hi, my name is Kevin. And I noticed the aa, but yesterday

[Bob the Drag Queen]

you would all say, I'm Kevin, I'm an alcoholic.

[Monet James]

But I'm not. I'm a. I'm not an alcoholic.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Okay, so let's say you're. Let's say you're. Let's say you're doing your thing. Go ahead.

[Monet James]

Right? Like I'm, Like, I'm at a. I'm at aa, but I'm in.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Start pointing at you and you start sharing. Start sharing.

[Monet James]

Okay. Hi, my name is Kevin, and I want to talk to you guys because, you know, I've had a really hard time. I started doing cocaine again, and it's really. This a really fucking.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

What the fuck do I say?

[Monet James]

Okay, so then what? Then what?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

They don't keep talking. They just say, this is aa.

[Monet James]

Got that? Well, I know this is aa, but I just had nowhere else to go. And I. You know, cocaine is really ruining my life.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

This is aa. Really.

[Monet James]

To commit. That is. That is so mean. That is so rude. I get with your face.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

That's what they do. They don't. They don't go back and forth. People say, what's your. Who are you? People say, who are you? But they don't. They don't start talking. They just go, who are you? They say, hey.

[Monet James]

And then you. So every time I said, they would

[Bob the Drag Queen]

just say, usually a person very next to them will be like, we don't talk about cocaine here. Now that's not all rooms. Some rooms. Some rooms are really lenient and some rooms are really, really like, if you go to inner group, they're going to be like an inner group. Everyone wears suits. It's like wild.

[Monet James]

Wow. I mean, I think what I do. Why I do like this right thing about. Because I love the kind of community that it follows us. I love that. I love that no matter where you wait, anywhere you go in the world, you can find a community of people who you can like, be friends, like, instantly. I love the community building aspect of A. And obviously this. The sober part of it, keeping people off of substances that is. That is hindering their life. I love all that. But I think. But the thing I like about it most, I think why I have a lot of sober. I'm not sober, is that I do feel it builds a specific. It fosters a specific type of friendship and community that I feel, I think is very beautiful. I do like that part of it a lot.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

It's a shared. It's people who have a shared experience. It's kind of like. Like being in a gay bar, but it's for something else. You know what I mean? It's people who have a shared experience. And you have special interest groups. So, like, you'll have, like, trans meetings where everyone there is is an alcoholic and trans. So you have like this double shared experience. You know what I mean? And there's, there's, there's.

[Monet James]

There's lots of other little stuff.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Like this is a. A And what's your name?

[Monet James]

And.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

And no cross talk is a very popular. No cross talk. Like, for example, crosstalk would be like, if you say, you know, Kevin, I like what you said about.

[Monet James]

No crosstalk.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

No, not like that. That's not it. I like what you said about growing up. And you usually would say it to the speaker. You would not normally say it about someone else's share. You say it to the person who qualified. You'd be like, I like what you said about resentment being a poison, because that happens to me too. But what is really unacceptable crosstalk is when you say something like, you know what? I think that you should. You know what, Kevin? I actually think you should go visit your mom. I think you should go visit your mom and see how she's doing. That is that you're almost certainly gonna have someone yell, no crosstalk. No cross talk.

[Monet James]

Because you're talking to my Cher.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

You're like, we're not here to give each other. We're not here to give advice like that. We're not here prescribing visits to moms and shit. That's not how we do. We're just sharing our own experience, strength and hope. That's it.

[Monet James]

Also, I think a big part of why. I thought, why it was really funny and at the beginning is because when Andy and Val first met each other, I forget who it is. Was it you or. And one of them went up to you and they go, hey, are you a friend of Bill? And I was like, what the fuck? And I just thought it was very funny. That's how y' all introduced each other to. Cause I understand why. Bitch, you sober. I get it. I just thought it was very funny.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Asking someone of their favorite friend of Bill is a way of asking without. Without. Yeah, you have discretion. You're not outing them. You know, it's like saying, if you're. It's like saying, are you a friend of Dorothy? Instead of saying, are you?

[Monet James]

No, I'm like, nigga, you gay? Work

[Bob the Drag Queen]

well, what. You know. Also a friend of Dorothy says, are you. More like, are you queer? Are you just not straight?

[Monet James]

You know, how do you feel about the word queer? Bunny and I were talking about this because, I mean, we're. We're only four years apart, and Bunny's obviously much older than us, but she was saying, like, drag her.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Go ahead.

[Monet James]

People. People reclaim her words and shit. She's like, when I grew up, queer was such a bad word. She's like, I hated being called queer. It was like, rich. She's like, right now, I don't. I. I don't love being called queer. Now.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

How do you.

[Monet James]

How do you feel about the word queer?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Well, my context and connotation in my past with the word queer is obviously a lot different than Lady Bunny's, and I really enjoy the word. I really. But I'm also grateful that people like Teddy Bunny experience what they experience so that I would not feel the sting of that word. I'm really grateful that black people before me experience what they experience so that when. When that weak, I can be in this area where other black people call me, and it does not feel. I don't feel the same sting that probably my grandmother felt. My grandma didn't say. My grandma don't say nigga. Put it that way. She never. She didn't say put it that way.

[Monet James]

But did you. But obviously you. You grew up in your. In your household saying it. Did your mom and her sister say it a lot?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

My mom says it. My uncles. Some of my uncles say it. Not all my uncles, but my mother says it. My brother says it. I say it.

[Monet James]

About to say, do I like, do. So does Aunt Hazel. Do all your other aunts say, my

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Aunt Hazel says it. I don't think my Aunt Stephanie said it. She's passed away. But I don't think Aunt Stephanie really said it. Aunt Lisa probably said, I'm sure Aunt Lisa says it. My Aunt Deborah definitely says it. I think John John says it. I don't think Scotty says it. And I don't think Uncle Steve says it very often either.

[Monet James]

When I hear old ladies.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

We all say it in some context. Most of us say it in, like, some context here and there.

[Monet James]

When I hear old grandma saying the word nigga, it cracks me up. Huh? Y' all niggas out there. I, I it what hearing an old grandma age lady say nigga is. I love how it sounds.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

What's grandma age? Cause if my aunt Hazel is 60, I think she's 65.

[Monet James]

Grandma age, I would say grandma. You're officially. I mean, obviously you can be a grandma as young as what, probably fucking 30 years old. Who knows? But when I think like, grandma age, I'm thinking, like, you know, like 65 or after 65. Like, after.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Then you would get a real kick out of my Aunt Hazel because she does say nigga, and. And she is. She. And she is a grandma, so you would get a real kick out of her.

[Monet James]

I love it. I can't wait. The family reunion in July is your family's day. No, no one in my family says the word nigga. I'm probably the only person that says the N. I G, G, A also. You don't. Caribbean folk do not say the N word like that. Like, I am hard pressed to find besides Americanized West Indians. I live here. But, like, back in the islands, I don't know Caribbean people that say it.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Does your brother say it?

[Monet James]

And if you. My, my brother does, but we grew

[Bob the Drag Queen]

up here, so how does your family feel about you saying it? Do you say it around them? Would you ever say it around your mom?

[Monet James]

Yeah, I said it. I said it around my mom. They don't. They don't have that. A bad. Obviously the bad connotation and the negativity of the word, but they don't.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Would you say it to your mom? Would you say it, like, in a conversation with your mom, like, like, like,

[Monet James]

like call my mom a nigga?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Would you?

[Monet James]

No, I would not. Would you call Miss Martha a nigga?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Maybe not directly, but if my uncles and aunts were all acting wild, I would say, y' all niggas wild. Y' all niggas wild.

[Monet James]

Oh, my God. That feels. That feels. That sounds wild to me.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

If all of my uncles and aunts were doing something, I'd be like, y' all niggas are wild today. Yeah, let's go. If I was talking to my mom, I'd be like, these niggas at work are acting crazy. I would say that.

[Monet James]

I don't think I would. I mean, I don't think my mom would care, but I just. I just don't think I would, for whatever reason in.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Got it. But I wouldn't say to my mom, but if it was. If it was my mom in a big group, if my mom was in the group, she could. She could be in the group of for sure. What?

[Monet James]

That just sounds so wild of me. I'm gagged. So funny. I miss you so much.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I miss you, too. Would you ever go to a meeting with me in New York City?

[Monet James]

Yeah, I would show especially. First of all, you know. You know I love chaos. I would go. I want. I want to say. We said they're not chaos.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

They're actually very orderly like New York.

[Monet James]

I mean, but savage. What you said before, you were like, girl, these. These other memes are nothing. The memes in New York are. I want to go to one of them.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Girl, they're on their phone. They're like. They're on their phones, they're texting, their phones are ringing. That is so wild. In New York City. The meeting starts when I say on the fuck time. The meeting starts at the time that they say it's going to start. And it ends like if the last person, like, I've been to, meeting outside of. Outside of New York. And they will just like, let's say the meeting ends at nine and there's still three people who want to share in la. They would just let all three of them share. Bitch, in New York City, when you're sharing, it turns 9 o', clock, everyone has their hands like this. And as soon as you're done, they're like, all right, let's get up. And everyone claps and we. We hold hands, say our prayer.

[Monet James]

The Serenity Prayer.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yeah, I mean, they say some other difference prayers, but I. I mostly hear the Serenity Prayer. For sure. Monet, do you know the Serenity Prayer?

[Monet James]

I know. I know the Serenity Prayer.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

What is it?

[Monet James]

God grant me the serenity to change the things. No, God grant me the serenity.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Bitch, I got it.

[Monet James]

I don't need your correction.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Okay.

[Monet James]

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and courage to change the things I can accept.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

No, I. I don't think you know the Serenity Prayer. The Serenity Prayers. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

[Monet James]

and. Oh, yeah.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Do you know the Lord's Prayer?

[Monet James]

Of course. Our Father.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Can you speak it? Can you please not. I don't want to hear. I don't want to Hear the Moses Hogan rendition. Can you please speak it?

[Monet James]

It's not the Moses Hogan. It is a Schubert version, bitch.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Can you speak it? Me, an empath feeling that you don't know the Trinity prayer?

[Monet James]

One of my favorite little Bob isms, too, is when you go like this, you love. Sometimes you look like this. Sometimes it makes you laugh. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

I think you skipped something. You skipped a few things.

[Monet James]

Did I? Well, there's two, but I know the British. There's. There's the British Lord's Prayer.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Every rendition, you skip something. Every version there is. You skip something.

[Monet James]

I know, I know. But there is the British Lord's Prayer that I learned when I went to Anglican primary school in St. Lucia, and there is the. The American Lord's Prayer. That's a little different.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Okay, but what you just said was. It. Now version. Let's make. Let's get that clear. Let's get that one thing clear, honey.

[Monet James]

All right, Roberto. Well, this is a nice conversation about your favorite topic, sobriety. I hope that you'll love her. And honestly, if anyone is out there, needs and feels. I mean, can you. Can you say, like, where you can go to find meetings in your area? Isn't it like a website?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Yeah, you can go to intergroup. You can just go to. If you just Google AA in whatever town you're in, you'll find meetings. Just Google. Just Google AA and put in the name of your town. If in New York City, though, I'm gonna give you some great meetings. This is the fire fucking list of meetings. I don't even know if somebody's still there. There's a Red Door, which is once a week in the West Village. There is the 42nd street clubhouse. I mean, the 50. Sorry, the 57th street clubhouse is great. There is. The Rainbow Room is great. That's where the clubhouse there is. Perry street is. Is, like, always drama Perry Street. And one of the best meetings you can go to is Midnight on Houston. Midnight on Houston is just some great.

[Monet James]

Why is it so good?

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Because it is. It's like, honestly, you in there with, like, people with, like, really intense sobriety, people who are brand new. I've heard the craziest things in my life while sitting in that room, being like, I'm never drinking again. I am never, ever gonna drink ever again. It's called Midnight. It's on house. And they have meetings that aren't just on midnight. They have one at two. But you go to the 2am you go to the 2am midnight meeting and you. It's our you will never drink again, ever.

[Monet James]

2am Midnight meeting.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

The room is called midnight. It's called midnight.

[Monet James]

Oh, their main meetings at 2:00am well,

[Bob the Drag Queen]

they used to back in the day. I don't know if they still have them. But There is a 2:00am Meeting. Yeah.

[Monet James]

Damn. All right. Well, Roberta, I'm so happy that you have over 5,000 days of sobriety. And I'm happy that you're here.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

And I'm happy to be here with you.

[Monet James]

And also with you. Shalom.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

What? Can we say the serenity prayer together?

[Monet James]

Yes.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

God, grant me serenity that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Keep coming back. It works if you're working, so work it. You're worth it. And live it. All right. I love you so much.

[Monet James]

Love you.