The One Where We Get Our Own Planets

Summary

Sibling Rivalry – “The One Where We Get Our Own Planets”

Release Date: April 21, 2025
Hosts: Bob the Drag Queen & Monét X Change

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Episode Overview

In this laugh-packed episode, Bob and Monét let their imaginations run wild as they envision ruling their own planets—a riff on what happens after death in certain religions. Along the way, they drop hot takes on religion, dead parents in comedy, higher education, the power of belief, and share signature sibling-style banter about building the perfect (or not-so-perfect) utopia. The duo reflects on personal experiences and continues their popular "Word of the Day/Sibling Vocabulary" game, all in their classic, quick-witted style.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Sibling Vocabulary Game

[00:45–03:12]

• Jacob introduces "Sibling Vocabulary": Jacob picks a dictionary word for each host to sneak into the episode.
• Comedic debate about Merriam Webster’s identity:
  • Monét imagines her as a woman: “She’s a woman with curly hair. Glasses. Dark curly hair and glasses.”
  • Bob disagrees: “I thought Merriam was a man…He’s British-looking…with a really high collar.”
  • [01:38] This evolves into discussion about stereotypes—“Of course you would think it was a man.”
• Jacob clarifies: Merriam-Webster is named after three people—Noah Webster and the Merriam brothers.

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2. Comedy, Jokes, and Dead Parent Tropes

[03:51–11:57]

• Bob shares a college story about a "yo mama" joke gone wrong, leading to reflections on the appropriateness and escalation of dead parent jokes.
• Bob: “If you throw your dead parent out there, you are just daring someone to up the stakes.” [04:42]
• Monét’s take: Using dead relatives for a punchline is risky—depends on the emotional context.
• Memorable quote:
  • Monét: “Yo mama jokes are really out of play these days. Like no one really does them anymore.” [07:57]
• Bob tells a TikTok/ Twitter troll story:
  • After being taunted to “swear on your dirt-napping ass mama,” Bob’s comeback: “Jokes on you. My mother was cremated. There is no dirt nap.” [08:31]
• Reflection: Hosts agree that dead parent jokes are “repugnant” and mostly told by people who have lost parents themselves. [09:14]

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3. Birthday Dinner Banter & Scheduling Woes

[12:10–13:30]

• Monét and Bob discuss conflicting birthday plans.
• “You also told me I wasn’t invited the other day.” —Bob
• Playful shade about guest lists and priorities.

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4. Being Sick: ASMR & Caretaking

[14:02–16:11]

• Bob is sick, leading to jokes about illness, care, and ASMR for sick people.
• “Taken care of? You ridiculed and harassed me when I was sick!” —Bob [14:39]
• Monét describes Bob's behavior when sick: “Bob becomes a literal toddler.”
• Bob plugs his book ("Harriet Tubman: Live at Custer") amidst the chaos.

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5. Religion, Trauma, & Critique of Organized Belief

[17:04–28:20]

• Bob opens up: “I have a lot of religious trauma. I think that religion is the biggest scam on earth, followed closely by higher education.” [17:41]
• Educational Rant:
  • Discussion on the high cost and questionable value of U.S. colleges.
  • “Going to college, higher education in the States, is a scam.” [18:18]
• Organized Religion:
  • Monét: “Organized religion specifically is hell. It’s been used to dupe and subjugate and trick people for centuries.” [20:06]
  • Criticism of religious leaders’ use of followers’ money—e.g., “The Pope only wears designer, you know.” [21:02]
• Powerful exchange:
  • Bob: “If you want to feel safe in your religion...go listen to Gingerbreadge.” [19:37]
  • Monét: “They prey on people who need something to trick them to think this is the only way you can get out.” [20:20]
• Violence & Identity:
  • Bob: “I don’t think anyone’s ever blown up a building in the name of bisexual people.” [23:06]

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6. Spiritual Experiences & Psychedelics

[25:05–27:53]

• Monét shares her psychedelic trip:
  • “I was transported back to Mesopotamia and was part of a society...I really genuinely felt [that].” [25:10]
• Discussion of the power of the mind and the allure of experiences like ayahuasca.
• Bob is hesitant, citing physical toll: “I came back from Europe and this is how I sound. You think I can survive ayahuasca? I can’t even survive white people.” [27:53]

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7. Further Critique: Money, Scams, and Specifics of Religions

[30:52–35:54]

• On Televangelists and Religious Excess:
  • Joke about Kenneth Copeland and private jets: “He bought a private jet with your $6,000. Because the commercial plane…he said, there are demons in there.” [31:54]
• Bias toward Christianity:
  • Bob: “Yeah. Because I was never part of those religions…I am versed in Christianity.” [32:14]
• Religion and Money:
  • Monét: “In Scientology, in Christianity…it all centers around money. It’s all about money.” [34:57]
• Comparisons to Mythology:
  • “The idea that Zeus turned into a bull is not crazier than a whale swallowing a human or fitting two of every animal on one ship.” —Bob [33:34]

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8. Mormon Beliefs and Utopias: The Planets Segment

[33:53–44:00]

Mormon Doctrine Dive

• Bob: “What the Mormons believe…when you die, you get a planet.” [33:53]
• Explanation of Mormon afterlife—good Mormons become planetary gods, spiritual “prison” for bad Mormons (with a chance at parole). [34:39]
• Joseph Smith and the Golden Tablets: Bob and Jacob explain Smith’s exclusive ability to directly translate and “God, like low key be changing it.” [36:17–37:03]

Satirical World-Building: Ruling Our Own Planets

• Bob’s Planet (Planet Malashkin) [40:01–43:04]

  • Designed by Tim to Rico (after his death).
  • Beaches on every coast; mermaid societies; only 10M population cap.
  • Half the population are merpeople—“We eat and shit in the same place that we live.” [42:33]
  • All babies are born conscious, multilingual (mer, Malachin, Croatian).
  • No English: “Fuck English. Gang. Gang.” [45:11]
  • Anti-politician, council-based governance with representatives from mer and land societies.
  • Magical birth/population control: “Squiggity bobbidi bow.” [44:26]

• Monét’s Planet

  • Size of Jupiter, 575 billion inhabitants, every spot is perfectly habitable. [46:10–46:41]
  • 71% fresh water—no salt water (“So similar to Earth…”).
  • 20 long, thin continents (“strips”) from pole to pole. Underwater trains connect them—no planes or cars.
  • Pollution and sponges are illegal. “The girls who get it, get it.” [49:37]
  • Prison system for technological lawbreakers: “If you build an airplane, you’re getting life, life, life.” [50:21]
  • Death penalty for serial offense: “Death. Literal death. By plane, by the way.” [50:59]
  • Leader is immortal, but if Monét dies, everyone dies: “If I die, the planet dies.” [51:35]

Sibling Rivalry Escalates

• Bob threatens nuclear war from Malashkin: “We built them specifically to fight your planet.” [52:42]
• Monét counters with a shield: “It deflects it…twice the velocity and attaches a new nuclear warhead.” [52:50]
• Bob: “This is why you can’t believe Bob in a playground, you’re like, I have a gun that can shoot you…well I have a shield.” [53:04]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Babies…come off the puss ready to talk and engage.” – Monét [45:12]
• “If you throw your dead parent out there, you are just daring someone to up the stakes.” – Bob [04:42]
• “Organized religion specifically is hell.” – Monét [20:06]
• “Christianity is a blatant plagiarism of other religions that came before.” – Bob [35:29]
• “No, by plane, by the way. We’re going to put you against the mountainside and then fly a plane into your body.” – Monét, on the death penalty for building planes [51:00]
• “This is why we can’t be Mormon, honey! …we’d send a napal bomb to wipe your shit out.” – Bob [52:29]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Sibling Vocabulary Game: 00:45–03:12
• Dead Parent Humor & Yo Mama Jokes: 03:51–11:57
• Birthday Plans & Friendship Dynamics: 12:10–13:30
• Sick ASMR & Caretaking: 14:02–16:11
• Religion & Higher Ed Critique: 17:04–28:20
• Psychedelics & Spirituality: 25:05–27:53
• Televangelists/Religious Money: 30:52–35:54
• Mormon Afterlife & Planet Utopias: 33:53–44:00
• Bob & Monét’s Planet Designs: 44:00–52:29

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Overall Tone and Style

The episode is classic Sibling Rivalry: hilarious, fast-paced, sometimes biting, always insightful. The chemistry is effortless, with each host riffing off the other’s jokes and ideas, even (especially) when the topics get deep or controversial. Bob and Monét create a safe space to process grief, mock systems of power, and dream about what a drag queen’s planet would really look like.

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For New Listeners

Bob and Monét often veer off-script, embrace playful (and sometimes dark) banter, and aren’t afraid to challenge societal—and each other’s—assumptions. This episode serves as a perfect intro to their boundary-pushing, endlessly creative dynamic, all wrapped up in their unique drag-queen perspective.

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Transcript

[A]

My name is bob the drag queen.

[B]

And I'm monet x change.

[A]

And this is sibling rivalry.

[B]

On this week's episode, Bob gives us sick asmr. We build our own planets and we find out what made Bob say this.

[A]

Monae was fully in her broom closet. And we found out what made Monet say this.

[B]

Babies. So they come out the puss ready to talk and engage.

[A]

Mac.

[B]

Yes, dear.

[A]

What's good, bro?

[B]

Nothing much. So I just wanna. I just wanna let the listeners know. Today we are playing the word of the day again. And for those who have not caught the rules, this is how it go. Okay.

[C]

Jacob's sibling vocabulary.

[B]

It's what?

[A]

Sibling vocabulary.

[B]

We should call it sibling vocabulary.

[A]

Okay, so we vocabulary.

[B]

And Jacob text has the Merriam definition. Merriam Webster definition of a word. And it's our job to use that word at some point in the episode and at the end of the episode, we have to figure out what each other's words were.

[A]

Can we get a picture of Merriam Webster?

[B]

Oh, yeah. What do you think? Wait, before you post it, what do you think Merriam Webster looks like? I think she's a. I think she's a woman with curly hair. Glasses. Dark curly hair and glasses.

[A]

I thought Miriam was a man.

[B]

I know they're male Miriams, but I don't know. I just thought Miriam Webster was a woman because women are way more.

[C]

I think that he.

[A]

That he's British. British looking. I think that he definitely wears glasses like a fucking nerd. And I think that he probably has like a really high collar.

[B]

Am I. My Miriam Webs. My Miriam Webster is like Bellatrix Lestrange with glasses on.

[A]

All right, secure a picture of Miriam Webster. I have.

[C]

So the issue is that Miriam Webster is actually three people and it's their last names. So first we're going to start with. We're going to start with. This is Noah Webster. Oh, wow.

[B]

He looks like Leslie Jordan, I call her.

[C]

And then these are the brothers.

[B]

Oh, man.

[C]

Charles and George.

[A]

Miriam, all wearing high collars.

[B]

See, there y' all go again. One fact. One fact.

[A]

But you didn't get one. You literally got zero.

[D]

Zero.

[A]

And of course you would think.

[B]

Of course you would think it was a man.

[A]

You.

[B]

You would.

[A]

And I was right.

[B]

Could you believe in misogyny?

[A]

Because I believe the system is real. The system is real. So I. I got more than. That's also Monet erasure. I got more than one.

[B]

I dare to believe in something different. You just want to accept the status quo, which is fine.

[A]

Monet this is a weird, this is, this is a weird way to, to admit you were wrong. This is a weird way to say I was wrong.

[B]

Whatever.

[A]

But it is very macaroni and cheese, I'll give you that.

[B]

Because macaroni and cheese is a very prolific ass bitch. Know that.

[A]

First of all,

[C]

there is a Melbourne based creative writer creative writer named Merriam Webster. And this is her.

[B]

Now would you like to apologize now or later?

[A]

This is not Miriam. This is a random person named Miriam Webster.

[B]

No, Jacob just told you she's giving Bellatrix.

[A]

This is a random person named Merriam Webster. This is not the Miriam Webster we were talking about. And you're not going to gaslight me into believing that you just happen to be talking about this bitch.

[B]

What's up Bob? I have a question. What's up with these jabroni ass niggas trying to see Compton?

[A]

I don't know, but the industry can hate them, you know. Fuck. Fuck em all they mamas. How do you feel about. I know you don't have any dead parents, but how do you feel? Well that's not true. I know your father passed away.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I know you two weren't terribly, terribly close. But that's not the point. The point is how do you feel about someone being like your mama? And then someone being like my mama's dead. And then someone being like, well then fuck your dad ass mama.

[B]

I mean my mother's not dead. If someone said about my dad it would be a lot for me, but

[A]

would you throw your dead dad out there? Would you be like my dad's dead?

[B]

I mean I've done crazy things for a joke, for a punchline, for a bit, but that'll. I don't know. To be honest, I never have. But I can't say I wouldn't. I don't know.

[A]

Cause I feel like if you throw your dead parent out there, you are just daring someone to up the stakes.

[B]

Yeah. I think if you throw it in the mix you can't be mad if someone spits it back at you.

[A]

I mean you can't be mad, but you are, you are basically daring them. Like you're saying like I dare you to make fun of my dead parents. I told this story right here before but there was a guy, these two guys in college, one of the guys name was Nick. Nick was holding this jello in the cafeteria and the jello was really jiggly. He looked at this other guy whose name I think was Josh and he goes, oh my God, Josh. This kind of Reminds me of your mom's big, fat, jiggly body. And then Josh said, my mom's dead. And then Nick said, oh, so you mean it's like your mom's big, fat, jiggly corpse. You know, I feel like if I was Josh, I would have shut my fat ass up. You know what I mean? But did he. Did he drag his mother's. Okay, Nick dragged his mother.

[B]

Dragged his mother into it.

[A]

First Nick dragged his mom into it. But then Josh was like, my mom's dead. Assuming that Nick would be like, oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know your mom was dead.

[B]

Yeah. Okay, in that context, yeah, I think that the person who initially, like, if you bring. So when. So you're joking about my mom is dead. It happened last month.

[A]

No, I'm joking about you. I didn't know your mom was there. Like, Nick didn't know his mom was there. Like, you and I, we're jonesing back and forth, yada, yada, yada. We just do. It's even back and forth. I. I hit you with a yo mama. You hit me with a. My mama's dad. And then I upped the stakes.

[B]

Right, but you brought it in first. You said, this Jellaroo reminds me of your. Of your mom's jiggly body.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm like. I was like, my mom's there. Whoa. Like, oh, you mean your mom.

[A]

To be clear, Josh didn't go, whoa, whoa, whoa. Mom's dead. He was like, my mom's dead. It was like, I got you, bitch. Actually, my mom's dead. Don't you look stupid? Don't you look dumb?

[B]

I gotta see. I gotta see this in action. So if it was you, how would

[A]

you feel you have seen this action? You told me about a story where you were there with a person who was like, my dad's dead. You told me a story just like this.

[B]

Did I?

[A]

Yeah. I don't give you all the details. It's give away who it is. But you were there when someone said something and then someone said, my dad's dead.

[B]

I don't remember. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

So you've been there before when someone's been like. As a matter of fact, I have

[B]

been there for that. You're right.

[A]

And did that person up the ante or were they like, my bad, Bob?

[B]

I don't remember, but I feel like the person was like, my bad. I don't remember. I don't remember, though.

[A]

I feel like if I was in a situation where someone goes, whoa, that really hurt. Sorry. I know we're playing around, but my mom's dead. Ouch. I would back off, but if they were like, my mom's dead, don't you look dumb? I'd be like, what if I gotta.

[B]

If it was you, would you. How would you feel?

[A]

I don't think I would. I would not drop on my mom's dad as like a, as a, as a coup de grace.

[B]

But if someone just referenced your mom, like, if someone says something about your mom, would you. You just do another joke and just like bypass like you didn't hear it?

[A]

It depends. I've had people reference moms and stuff before. I think all yo mama jokes are really kind of out of, like really out of play these days. Like no one really does them anymore. But I don't always drop that my mom's dead on people. I'll just like, move on or. But I've never dropped a. Like, I've never dropped a my mom's dead shut up card.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

Well, one time online, someone was like, I was talking to some, fighting with some. With some Twitter trolls about eliminating Dorinda.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

And I was like, they were like, someone was mad that I swore to God. They're like, I can't believe you swore to God. Like, and I. And then I was. And I was in a completely separate chat. I was like going on about how tough it was to do the traders because my mom had passed away two weeks before. And then someone goes, well, why didn't you swear on your dirt napping ass mama? And then I said, jokes on you. My mother was cremated. There is no dirt nap. And then, then they, then their account got suspended.

[B]

This is on TikTok.

[A]

Twitter.

[B]

Twitter. Got it. Their account got suspended. Elon out here, Elon does not like dead, dead parent jokes.

[C]

Huh.

[A]

I guess he's a, he's not a housewife, Stan. Maybe he's in the drag race.

[B]

I mean, I just think that, I mean, that was, that was a good one. But I agree with you. Like, dead mom jokes are really like, repugnant. Like, it's repugnant as no one's doing them anymore.

[C]

It's kind of whack.

[A]

I don't think people do dead mom jokes. Like, there's not a whole lot of dead mob jokes. But I'm saying like, someone's like rebuttaling your rebuttal. They're like in the spirit of one upping. You know what I mean? Yeah, but I don't think people really lead in with that the only people I hear telling dead parent jokes are people whose parents are dead.

[B]

Yeah. Andy loves a dead parent joke.

[A]

And I will say, the other day, I was in my studio, and then me and Rob were here. Then someone was like, someone else mentioned their mother. And then this third party was like, must be nice to have a mom. And then me and Rob were both like, yeah, must be nice. And then they were like, oh, shit, my mom's actually not dead. I don't know why I said that. My mom's very much alive. And as I said it, I realized that your mom just died. This is crazy.

[B]

You know, sometimes you just have extemporaneous thoughts just come out. You don't even realize that this shit happens. You just happen.

[A]

I don't hold it against. I didn't hold it against him, though.

[B]

Wow. Would you hold it against me? Can you tell me who it was? Just who was it? Just do this. Who was it?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

The way you don't even wait for your hand to get to your mouth. This is you, Bob.

[A]

The fuck was that? That's not what happened, Jacob.

[B]

Am I lying about you? Literally, like Monet.

[A]

I said the first syllable. I said, like Monet. That is what happened.

[C]

He said the first syllable.

[A]

I said Monet. That could have been Monique.

[B]

That could have been Mo.

[A]

Hart. That could have been Moet. That could have been Moesha.

[B]

Okay, fair, fair, fair. Yeah, you know, I. My father died when I was, like, 12, 13. And, you know, we weren't, like. I didn't grow up with my dad day in and day out, but towards the end, the last couple years, we were making. He made a concerted effort for us to, like, hang out, blah, blah, blah. And he was involved. So when he did pass away, it was really sad. But again, since it wasn't a parent I, like, live with day in and day out, I don't think it would hit me as hard as when my mom dies or something like that. Because I just. You know, everyone describes it as being a really crazy thing, but, you know, so then I'll have more thoughts and opinions about the dead parent joke. I mean, knowing me, I probably would bring it up and I would make a bit out of it, and I would not right away. I'll probably need a beat, but I can definitely see myself making dead, like a week, Bob. I don't know. I don't know how long the pain's gonna be there.

[A]

I don't know, to be honest. I hope you never find out. Cause it's not fun. Gotta be Honest. Not. No. No wishing. I'm my worst enemy.

[B]

Are you. Are. Are you coming to my birthday tomorrow? My birthday dinner?

[A]

No. Me and Jacob have plans.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

It's Jacob's birthday, too.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And you also told me I wasn't invited the other day. Well, we can't.

[C]

The issue is that Mitch is in town, which I didn't expect, so we need to invite Mitch as well. And I would also like to take Mikey, and maybe that's too many people to bring to the standard reservation.

[A]

And also, my nephew came on, and you were sending me and Jacob's invitation, so I'm assuming we can't just invite two more people? Three more people.

[B]

I mean, we can't just have to ask Andy. Andy's in charge of the plans.

[A]

It was recently announced us. I don't even know where I stand with you.

[B]

I don't know where you stand with me either.

[A]

We're all confused. We're all broken down and tired. Okay?

[B]

And on that note, it's almost our birthday.

[C]

I know. Happy birthday. People are gonna realize how long ago we recorded this episode.

[B]

Oh, well, I.

[A]

You know, we had 10 minutes.

[B]

Bitch, if we recorded this episode last year, motherfucker, you're getting a new episode. Like, I. The comments are going to be so wild. They were like, ugh, I can't believe they recorded this in December, y'. All. It's a new episode. And we were. Sometimes we prioritize, prioritize, prioritized. Getting Tommy ones like candy views for you guys. But it's still new content you have not seen.

[C]

I mean, we also are doing current episodes every week for a Drag race.

[A]

So let me say this to y'. All, I beg Monae, can we please do them? Current Mon says, fuck those losers. They get what they get. And I say. I say, our fans deserve better. She backhands me and says, shut up. And she called me a faggot.

[B]

Yeah, we didn't.

[A]

Take a break.

[B]

And I'll fucking do it again.

[A]

Monet, stop. I told y'.

[D]

All.

[A]

Monet gets Joy when I'm in pain. She's not happy unless I'm unhappy.

[B]

Because you would just. You sit in the. You okay?

[C]

It's.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's menthol.

[B]

It's. You act like you do. Like you do the bump a bump of cocaine.

[A]

I can't, y'. All. I'm unwell. You just. Simple day. Joy. I was sick. Be that well, have you ever taken

[C]

care of Bob when he was sick, Monet?

[B]

I have before, for sure. And when I tell y', all, Bob becomes a literal toddler.

[A]

Taken care of. You ridiculed and belied and harassed me when I was sick. Also, go buy my book. It's called Harriet Tubman Live at Custer. You can go to rethedragqueen.com right now to get a copy of the book. Is there.

[B]

Is there ASMR audience for people who are sick just being like making all sick sounds with a microphone? It probably is.

[A]

Yeah. It's called Silver Rivalry. This episode, the one where Bob does sick. Asmr there has.

[B]

There's a market for everything. Everyone loves stuff like that.

[A]

I need flow days. I have to get flow days. And I know people don't. People say, like, don't use it. Don't use. You'll get dependent on it. I need it. I can't live right now without flow days.

[B]

Flow days doesn't work for me. No matter how many times I pump that shit in my nose, that shit does not work for me. You hear me?

[A]

It's all hustle.

[B]

You put your do's.

[A]

You do cocaine.

[B]

I don't do cocaine.

[A]

Why are you wearing a white shirt? So when the cocaine falls, you won't see it.

[B]

We debunked this. You were the one. And people and the real survivor listeners. Y' all remember that time when I called Bob Alfred. We were doing cocaine, and y' all were like, oh, my God.

[A]

I think when they were caught me off for doing cocaine.

[B]

Jacob, do you remember this?

[C]

Absolutely.

[B]

Yes. Cause it was. And we linked it back to when you started to do the sniffles heavy. It was because of the coke.

[A]

Coca Cola, which we can't drink coke anymore. Mexicans hate coke now. So now I'm switching over to Pepsi Max.

[B]

You think maybe the vaping is contributing to your sickness?

[A]

It's probably exacerbating the symptoms, but there's no connection. That vapes make give you colds.

[B]

Not yet.

[A]

Vape my nuts, bitch. Not yet. My nuts. As they scrape across your chin as they make their way to your eyes.

[B]

No, thank you.

[A]

I prefer the one nut on each eye. How about that?

[B]

I want it in my mouth, Daddy.

[A]

Well, no, you don't get the pleasure.

[B]

Do you know my favorite TikTok video is that big black eye, and it's with that old man. And he comes out, and then they're all doing something like a backyard. And he goes, daddy, chill.

[A]

Like, what the hell even. I think it's what the fuck even is that? Or what the hell even is that?

[B]

It's problematic.

[A]

Daddy, chill.

[B]

Daddy. Daddy, Chill.

[A]

What the fuck even is that, Bob?

[B]

We got. We got. We got to talk about the elephant in the room. Actually, we have to talk about the man on the cross in the room with the holes in his hands and his feet.

[A]

Yeah. So a lot of our listeners have been very annoyed at how anti religious I am, which is shocking to me. Like, are y' all new here? Like, Tamar. Do you even watch the show, Tamar? Like, what did y' all ever think I'd be like, ooh, religion gives?

[B]

Well, I think that a lot of new people to the Patreon.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I think that as people who are Drag Race fans, but they didn't necessarily have. Maybe haven't seen. I mean, maybe haven't seen your season, but it didn't. Like, they didn't digest all of your content in that way until they're learning about you and they're like, oh, Bob was really not in these religious streets.

[A]

Well, welcome. Hi. If you're a new listener, welcome. My name is Bob the Drag Queen. I have a lot of religious trauma. I think that religion is the biggest scam on earth, followed closely second by higher education. I grew up Southern Baptist.

[B]

Wait, wait, wait. You think that not education, like, just

[A]

going to college is higher education specifically,

[B]

like, paying for it because it's so expensive?

[A]

Yeah, in America, specifically.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

But especially private education.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

Private. Especially private colleges.

[B]

Thank you for playing that. I'm happy I actually cleared that up.

[A]

No, elementary school is a scam.

[B]

I thought you're saying, like, going to school is a scam. I was like, wait, what?

[A]

No, going to college. Higher education in the States is a scam.

[B]

Yeah, it's fucked up.

[A]

Y'. All. Y' all know when you go to these fucking colleges, they will add a parking lot that no one asked for, then raise your tuition $3,000. Do y' all know they were fire three deans and then raise your tuition to pay for the ball?

[B]

Fire them. Oh. Cause they had to pay them, like, severances and shit like that.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Let me tell you something.

[A]

If then you graduate and they call you and keep asking you for money,

[B]

not even. This is. This is. This has been. I've been spiraling about this country for the past, like, two weeks cause of shit like that. And I just. This place is so upsetting. It's so upsetting to be from here and live here. I mean, again, even when you don't

[A]

graduate, they still call you and ask you for money. Bitch, I'm still paying. I didn't even finish paying.

[B]

Y' all the only other places, like, higher education is just not this expensive in other places, right? Not in Europe, not. I mean, I don't know, for Asia, not in Australia, in the Caribbean. A lot of times Caribbean people send their children to go to school in Canada because Canada is not like, crazy like America. And some people do opt to go to America because, you know, think of the land of opportunity, yada, yada, yada. But it's so ridiculous. Let's talk about religion. We can't. I just. I can't.

[A]

So, as you all know, I think they're both scams. So if you. If you want. Like I said, if you want to feel safe in your religion, you are obviously free to practice your religion. I don't care. Be a Christian, be a Muslim, be. Study Judaism, study whatever religion you want to study. But if you were looking for someone to, like, affirm you and be like, yes, honey, God. Ms. God, Mama, go listen to fucking gingerbreadge. Okay, yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I think for me, I think. Or I think organized religion specifically is. Is hell. I think organized religion has been used to dupe and subjugate and trick people for centuries into doing dumb shit that is of no value to them or can do nothing to further their place in life or their status in life. But they. But they prey on weak. They prey on people who need something to trick them to think this is the only way you can get out. Right. Like, you know, think about in churches that I grew up, like the Pentecostal Cogic, all these churches where you see the leaders and stuff. Not even all the leaders. It'd be the. It'd be the niggas at the top falling in these, like, Gucci suits and these. These breeze Prada loafers and they have all this money.

[A]

The Pope only wears designer, you know.

[B]

Wait, the Pope.

[A]

The Pope only wears designer. Custom, designer.

[B]

Like the Pope of the Vatican.

[A]

There's only one Pope.

[B]

And what then, what then. What are these other motherfuckers called? Who are they? The ones that be looking just like him in the dressing room.

[A]

I don't know. Maybe they're deacons or maybe they're archbishops or something. But there's only one Pope.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

And the Pope only wears designer. And I believe it's Versace. Well, the Pope's car is custom.

[B]

Well, because it needs to be bulletproof.

[A]

And why is that, by the way? They sell bulletproof cars that are. That are like. You can buy a bulletproof Lincoln. Yeah, but they already sell bulletproof cars.

[B]

But he's in that clear one that people can see him and, like, he can wait.

[A]

We gotta see the Pope driving through the fucking Pope. We got to. We just got to. That's what all your tithing's going to buy the Pope Versace clothes.

[B]

Yeah. And so I just think that, you know, it's just been used to trick people into thinking it's the only way out. And that is the saddest part of it, is that you look at these conjugates, you look at these congregations full of people who are clinging on, hoping for, praying for healing, financial stability, a way out of their situation to not be beat up by their wives or their husband, whoever it is. And these. These people, these leaders, they trick them into. If you just give 10% of your money, if you just come here every night, if you just do all these things, like, we, like, you'll be saved. You'll be fixed. The world will be a better place for you, for you and your kids and stuff. And to give all this stuff and they get nothing in return. And that is a part of religion that pisses me off so much, is that it just preys on weak people, and they just drink this Kool Aid, this thing that they will never be better from.

[A]

So I was going to take talk, being like, I believe that LGTBQI identity is a social contagion. And I was like, baby, you know, it's a social contagion, Christianity, and it's spreading a whole lot faster and a whole lot wider. It has a much bigger impact. And I don't think anyone's ever went and shot up a school in the name of transgender people.

[C]

Facts.

[A]

I don't think anyone's ever blown up a building in the name of bisexual people.

[B]

Facts.

[A]

I don't think anyone's ever done entire crusades where they kill people in entire villages over polyamorous furries. Yeah. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah. And that's a big part of it,

[A]

because I am so anti. I don't. I don't think I have any religious friends. Like, the only people I know who are truly religious that I'm genuinely close to are in my family.

[B]

Yeah. And I mean, and again, and I don't think. And I want to be very clear about, like, organized religion versus, like, believing in a higher power or, like. Or getting your strength and your energy for something from something that you believe in that gives you hope. And, like, I'm not saying to devoid yourself of hope because of. But I'm just asking people who are in bed with organized religion, to look at that and look at the history of it and believe in something. Right. I think that for some people need to believe in a thing to get up and go throughout their day. But just look at who you're giving your money to. Look at what that organized religion has done to people over the past decade or century or whatever it is, and make a more conscious decision about what you are choosing to believe in and align yourself with. I think that over the years, I evolved. I was super, super, super, super, super religious. If you're new here, very religious. Going to church twice a week, getting my. Getting my confirmation. I was singing with an inspiration ensemble, the Songs of Solomon inspiration ensemble. We would do tours around America, around Canada, going to these big church conventions, speaking in tongues, all these things. I did that for a long time. I thought that, you know, I was. I was drinking the Kool Aid of it. And I think now, as I look at myself now I'm someone who. I believe that. I believe there's something greater out there than me that created all this stuff. And. But I don't think it's. I don't think it's a guy in the sky that has magic powers to turn water into sauvignon blanc. I just don't think that that's what it is. I just, you know, I can't say what it is, but I believe in something bigger for me, but I'm not into the organized religion of it all.

[C]

Have you had any spiritual experiences while you were in Mesopotamia?

[B]

You know, I have. Like, when I. When I. When I. The first time is. If you're new here, again, say I went to Mesopotamia the first time. I did acid and I did shrooms. You cannot tell me I did not go to ancient Mesopotamia. I was. I was transported back to Mesopotamia and I was part of a society of people and I was contributing to the work and I was seeing, like, where we all came from. I really genuinely felt what.

[C]

That.

[A]

That was. Monet was fully in a broom closet on the wall listening to the washing machine go. And that turned into Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z.

[B]

You know, and so I.

[A]

And that's why. Were there a lot of black people in ancient Mesopotamia?

[B]

I can't explain it. They weren't. It wasn't a color of people. They were just people.

[A]

Oh, we. We were in a. In a raceless society, like, and we were.

[B]

And when I tell y' all the vision I have, it was. We were. We were all sitting. It was like thousands of people in lines and rows in, like, a square, right? It's like a big square and a little square. We're just all just communing together. And we were all doing this thing. We're going left, back right, back, left, down, right in this, like, synchronized thing.

[A]

Girl.

[B]

Again, this is obviously, first of all, you know, the mind is the most. That is not. When they say the mind. The mind is a power thing, a powerful thing to waste. I'm not kidding. Your mind is so fucking powerful. I obviously. I know doing psychedelic drugs and shit like that. I know that. That in. I induced or I was. The gag is I was probably using this little piece of my brain right here. Probably did all of that. You know what I mean? I'm not stupid. I know, but the feeling that I had was weird. That's why I want to do something like, I want to do ayahuasca. I really want to do ayahuasca so bad. I don't want to do the thing where I'm going to, like, a. I think that feels. There's like, a whole thing about, like. I don't know. But, yeah, let's talk about.

[A]

So you want to. You want to. You don't want to go actually do it with the people who say the culture.

[B]

You want to do it by you. But I don't want. But I don't know. I was reading. I don't know about how that is, like, disrespectful, really, to the people. So I want to do it in a way that is conscious and mindful about it, but not disrespecting anyone, if that makes sense. I want to do it a way that is correct but not like, centering my own, you know, cultural colonialism of all, you know? I mean, I don't know.

[A]

I've done little to no ayahuasca in my life.

[B]

So, I mean, would you do ayahuasca with me?

[A]

No.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

Also mainly because I heard you get really sick the next day.

[B]

I think. I think you. But they say it's not everyone. Because everyone says, oh, you shit yourself and you vomit. Not everyone has that experience. Some people do, but it's. Not everyone has that experience.

[A]

Bitch. I came back from Europe and this is how I sound. You think I can survive ayahuasca? I can't even survive white people. Bitch. I won't survive ayahuasca. I'm not. I'm. I tell people, I am not built different. I'm a standard model, baby. Okay? I'm made out of the Regular stuff. Okay. If it makes you sick, it'll make me sicker. Yeah.

[B]

So that's my thing about organized religion. It's just so sad and it's just so. It just. It's upsetting. It's upsetting. I don't also I don't understand how people who are, who are in organized religion don't see like how what they're

[A]

doing like you do you really think

[B]

these pastors ambitious for the stuff it

[A]

looks like you are in your ears up to the knuckle. Like it. It looked like this. It looked like you were tickling your bitch. You just touched Mesopotamia. Do it again.

[B]

I just hit my hair.

[A]

Gee, how do you get so much of your fingers? Look how much you can still see my fingernails. Do it again and turn your fingernails to the outside. I got no. How deep are your ears?

[B]

Can you answer my question?

[A]

Do it one more time please. But I want to say it this Jesus Christ. He was like

[C]

wait, what you do it. Do what you do it.

[A]

I can't get that far away. This is as far as I can go. How deep are you getting your ears? Jacob, wait. Come close to the camera. Jacob. Shut the hell up boy. That ain't stupid. Yeah, well they have deep ass ears.

[D]

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[C]

Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Now I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited Premium Wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills but it turns out that's very illegal so. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment

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[A]

So the thing is these pastors, when you look at these pastors, especially when you're up there, who's the one who said he doesn't ride in tubes in plays because they're deep is who said that? Jacob look him up, Pastor. He bought a plane from Tyler Perry, and he was like, I don't ride in commercial jets because they're full of demons. His name is Jamal Bryant.

[B]

No.

[C]

Kenneth Copeland.

[A]

Kenneth Copeland. Going to Kenneth Copeland's church and being like, yeah, this makes sense. I will never understand that.

[B]

Yeah, that part. That part.

[A]

That.

[B]

That is crazy.

[A]

Like, you, Bob, you are.

[C]

You.

[B]

You make $60,000 a year. Every Sunday morning, you. You are tithing 10%.

[A]

You're.

[B]

You're giving the church 6,000 of your $60,000 a year. Quick math, huh?

[A]

Quick math.

[B]

And your pastor is out here flying private. He bought a private jet with your $6,000. Because the commercial plane that you have to get on, by the way, when you want to go see your family for Christmas, he said, there are demons in there. You can't ride on my jet. I use your money to buy, but you can't ride on my jet.

[A]

Exactly. And bit your money. Only pay for a will on that jet.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like, it is crazy to me. And everyone's like, you have way more smoke for Christianity than for Islam or Judaism or Buddhism. Yeah. Because I was never part of those religions.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah.

[C]

I am.

[A]

I am versed in Christianity.

[B]

Yeah. I can't. I can't confidently speak on the. The pillars of. Of. Of Islam or Buddhism or Judaism because I.

[A]

But I bet you would not be hard pressed to find some ex Muslim or ex Mormon or ex, you know, Jewish person to also tell you those religions are also not great for them. I'm just. I don't. I've obviously never been. I've never been Muslims. I don't. I don't know all the things about that stuff, but I do know about Christianity because I. I was in it for so long. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah. Also occurs to me, too, because Andy and I have had this conversation before about talking about Scientology. And he's like. He's like, well, and. And. And I. I was like. I was like, well, I mean, believing that somebody walked on water is, to me, not as different as someone who's saying that. That. That you get a.

[C]

Negative emotions are caused by alien souls that are haunting you.

[B]

I'm like, yeah, the idea that Zeus

[A]

turned into, like, a bull is really not any crazier than the idea that a whale swallowed a human or that one man fit two of every single animal on the planet onto one ship.

[B]

Like,

[A]

it all sounds quite fantastical.

[B]

And what the. What the Mormons believe that when you die, you get a planet.

[A]

If you're a good Mormon.

[B]

I'm about to say you can go down to the DMV and get. I can buy you a star. Today there will be a. By the time the eod, I can have a star with Bob the Drag Queen disguise. I could do that for you.

[A]

No, but you get to own the planet. You get to, like, be the God of your planet.

[B]

You own the star.

[A]

Well, you can't be the God of the star. You are overseeing the star. Like, God, like, you are literally manipulating the people on the planet.

[B]

Well, you.

[A]

You manipulate people on the planet. I don't know if you live on the planet or what, but you get your own planet. Like, you are the. Like, you are the literal God of a planet. There's only for good Mormons. Mormons don't believe in hell. There's no hell.

[B]

So where did. So where did the bad Mormons go?

[A]

Spiritual prison.

[B]

Spiritual prison?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which is. Where is this? Like, Just. It exists on a spiritual plane.

[A]

It was, like, next door. I don't know. But also, when you're in spiritual prison, you can repent. And they'll be like, okay, it's fine. Come on up. Like, if you go to spiritual prison, like, man, I fucked up. They'll be like, yeah, you did. It's okay. Now you can go. So there's like, layers of heaven with Mormonism.

[B]

Got it. And I think that. I think. And I think the part of it that is so egregious, too, is it all in. All of them. In Scientology, in Christianity. Well, again, I can't speak for Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, but I know in Scientology, in Mormonism, in Christianity, it all centers around money. It's all about money. It's about giving your money so we can be better. Give us your money. Give us your money. Give us money. Money, money, money.

[A]

Christianity is a blatant plagiarism of other religions that came before. There are, like, entire Egyptian religions that had, like, the virgin birth, the baptism, John the Baptist, the whole night, the Father, Son, the Holy Ghost, the whole night.

[B]

But Christian, I've heard that argument. And Christian said. But no, that those weren't real. Like, that's not real.

[A]

But it was before that even happened.

[B]

They say that it was in existence. They put that in history. But that's not real.

[A]

Convenient. Convenient. Their source is nuh. How great with your argument is nuh. Okay, girl, sure. You ate me up with that one.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And also the thing about morbidism that's so crazy is this. So you know. Do you know about the golden tablets?

[B]

No, but if. If It's a drug. I'll try it.

[A]

No. So the golden tablet, Jake, was it Brigham Young or was it John Smith who got the golden tablets? Can you look it up real quick?

[C]

It was Joseph Smith.

[A]

Joseph Smith. So Joseph Smith got the golden tablets, right? And he is the only one who can look at them. And he's the only one who can read them.

[B]

Joseph is the only one that can read these tablets or even see them.

[C]

He has a.

[A]

People can see them, but he won't let you see them.

[C]

He has a sightstone that he can use to translate. He's the only one with God's permission to translate the tablets.

[B]

And Mormons believe that. Cause how long ago did this man exist?

[A]

Maybe, I don't know, 1800s. Yeah, it was 1800s. Yeah, it wasn't that long ago.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

So he would go behind.

[B]

So last question is, do Mormons believe in AD and BC? So Mormons believe Jesus was born 2,000

[A]

years ago in America. No, Mormons believe Jesus was born much sooner. And here in the States. Got it in Missouri. Got it in Missouri. Him and Nelly, both from Missouri. So Joseph Smith would go behind this curtain, he would read the plates and he'd be like, okay, yeah, so this is what God said in the plates. They'd be like, can you go back and read that again? He'd be like, yeah, for sure. Go back, read it again, come back. It's like slightly different. It's not quite the same as it was the last time he read it. And he's like, yeah, that's cause God, like low key be changing it. Is that crazy? And everyone's like, yeah, I believe you.

[B]

Well, I think it also speaks to the deep desire in people to believe in something. Like people just want to.

[A]

And I get.

[B]

I think that probably makes sense to me too. Right. Well, I want this like belief. I have this belief in some higher power. Cause I want to believe there's something bigger than me out there. But I think. But I'm also not like gonna. But again, I'm not saying that all religious people ruin their lives for their. For their thing. They're not like all going broke or whatever for their religion. But I think that I feel like I have enough common sense. I'm like, you know, it's my own thing. I'm just gonna choose to leave something out there that's different than like relying solely upon this religious system to make my life better. And I think that's the difference.

[A]

Well, ironically, to quote the Tri State Singers, sometimes you have to believe in yourself. Believe in you, bitch. Believe in your motherfucking self. Also, don't be so egotistical to believe that you are literally the biggest thing in the world. You're not the biggest thing in the world. Even I don't believe in God. And I don't believe that I'm the be all and end all. You know what I mean? Obviously, obviously, there is a. Is a force greater than me. I don't think that the force is divine.

[B]

Right?

[A]

I think that force is. I think the force is actually quite natural. I don't think it's divine. It doesn't have to be divine. If there is a divine power in the universe deciding all of this, who is shaping the universe? That force is racist. That force is transphobic. That force is misogynistic. That force is capitalist. That force loves torture. It loves sickness. It loves sadness. It loves famine. It loves violence. If there's a force doing all this stuff, you know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Thank you so much, Mitch. Did you eat your drinks?

[B]

Oh, no. What?

[A]

You ordered again, Lo Nays. You don't mind, do you? You don't mind if I. If I breathe? Is it okay with you? Or do you control the air?

[B]

I mean, if I finally got my own fucking planet, I would.

[A]

Would you. What would you do with your own planet?

[B]

Ooh, if I did my own planet,

[A]

I would.

[B]

First of all, I would hire Tim to Rico to design it.

[A]

Where we're gonna put all dead two. You have to wait till he dies.

[B]

Tim's gonna die before me for sure. Cut 2. I will hire Tim to design it. We gotta figure out where we're gonna put the water features. There will be lots of ocean. Well, that's already here, but no, sorry. There'll be lots of beaches. We have lots of beaches everywhere. I would definitely have mermaids on my planet. We're having mermaids. Mermaids will not be mythical creatures. There will be mermaid societies. There will be under.

[A]

There's beaches everywhere. Then how small? So there's no, like, massive lands? Everything's like a small island?

[B]

No, but every coast will have a beach.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, you are so dramatic, Bob. But you're. I cannot. Do y' all see this? You are so dramatic. It was a.

[A]

Let me take my medicine. I wanna take my medicine, bitch. I wasn't talking about how dramatic. You were waddling around with your fucking ugly boots on the other day.

[B]

My ugly boots? I had ugly boots?

[A]

You were waddling. Waddle, waddle, waddle, y'. All.

[B]

Cause we did a Reach L. A gala And I still. Heels are a little tough. I put them wearing them for long periods of time. So I had to wear my fucking clogs under my black and red gown. So we can do that gig. That was wild. Um, yeah, so I would.

[A]

So islands are. They're all small islands. There's no big. Big.

[B]

No, they're big islands. But I think, like, for example, there will be one big beach that goes from Maine all the way down to Florida.

[A]

So is there like a strip of water through the.

[B]

No, there is just Maine.

[A]

So. But what about people who live, like, in the Ohio of your world? Like, we. We have lots of beaches.

[B]

We would be like. We will be like, Australia. Ain't nobody live in the middle of the country. Everyone's living on the coast. Ok, I'm not doing this many people. This many people. Y' all niggas on Earth have proven that y' all would destroy shit. So we're not doing this many people.

[A]

What's the limit?

[B]

We're capping our population at about 10 million.

[A]

What in the Communist China is going on up in here? So how are you going to stop people. How are you going to stop people from giving birth?

[B]

When we get new births, we will send them to another planet.

[A]

This sounds very problematic. This sounds very problematic, but no, but you know what?

[B]

I lie. We will have same amount of people. But there's gonna be. Half of us are gonna be mer people. And mer just like fish. We just don't produce a lot of waste. Like, we don't. Like, we just don't produce. We eat and shit in the same place that we live.

[A]

Are you gonna be. Can they see you?

[B]

Yes, you can see me.

[A]

Are you hanging out sometimes?

[B]

I'll kind of be like Gaia, are you all powerful? I'm not all powerful.

[A]

So they could overthrow you.

[B]

They could, but that's not gonna be part of the design of the. We're not gonna be a vicious, evil, nasty species like y' all earthlings here on Planet Malashkin. We're not like that. There's no overthrowing. We don't have wars. We don't have all this stuff. We just live in a peace.

[A]

You know the issue with every utopia, that it's actually a dystopia. There are no utopias.

[B]

Well, in my thing, in my world, we're gonna have Fruitopia.

[A]

But what happens when someone doesn't want what you want? We want to move inland.

[B]

Okay, you can.

[C]

You can.

[B]

You can move inland.

[A]

But you just said no one lives in the middle.

[B]

Well, that's good. Well, then you won't have beaches. But I'm going to design everything. So we're by the beaches. But if you don't want that, that's also fine too.

[A]

So it's okay to not live by the beaches?

[B]

Yeah, it's okay to. But I would like everyone to, if they wanted.

[A]

What if I want to have eight kids?

[B]

I could have eight kids.

[A]

So there's no. So there's no more limit? No more. So you xnate the population limits?

[B]

Well, what I would strategically do is give some people kind of like silo. They will not be able to produce.

[A]

So you're gonna, you're gonna fix spaying new to your pets? Yes, basically without their permission.

[B]

Yeah, they're my creations.

[A]

So you just like zibbidy bobbidi boop is how you do them or do you have other people? Other people. Other creatures on the planet do it?

[B]

Not more of a squiggity bobbidi bow.

[A]

Also, it's just like through magic. It's not through actual procedure.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

Do they know what's happening? Do you tell them first?

[B]

Yeah, it's part of the contract. When you decide to be on this planet. You haven't signed a contract as babies

[A]

also, you don't decide to be. You're just born. Babies don't decide to be here.

[B]

Yeah, but as a baby, you get to. You see that's. You're thinking like such a humanoid. Of course you do. Babies have. They can make their own decisions. They are conscious. From the time you are on this planet, you get to make your decision and end it.

[A]

To be clear, babies are conscious on Earth too.

[B]

Yeah, but they, but they are, but they are autonomous at a point. They can make their own decision for themselves. They speak fluently. First of all, you're born speaking three languages. You speak mer, you speak Malachin, and you also speak Croatian.

[A]

So there's no English at all.

[B]

No English. Fuck English.

[A]

Gang. Gang.

[B]

Yeah, but babies. So they come off the puss ready to talk and engage.

[A]

Are there politicians?

[B]

No politicians.

[A]

So you are the. You are the sole. You are the decision maker.

[B]

And that's not true. I'm lying for.

[A]

So we're living in a dictatorship.

[B]

There will be a nice. There would be a collection of malash.

[A]

A council.

[B]

A council, Right. One from each mer society, which there are seven. And there will be one from each human land dwelling society, which there will be eight.

[A]

And are we all humanoid? Are there some creatures who look like bulls? Are there some creatures who look like large centipedes okay, again, human.

[B]

I don't know what a centipede and a bull is, but there are people. Not everyone looks the same. Everyone is of a different species.

[A]

Some of us fly.

[B]

And variety. There are flyers. Yes. And what about you? What is your. What is your little planet looking like?

[A]

Okay, first of all, it is massive. The size of Jupiter, maybe. Wow. Okay, I would say our global population is somewhere around, like, currently alive, all at the same time. I'm going to go somewhere around 575 billion.

[B]

575 billion people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And is all of your planet inhabitable, or are we all forced to live on Earth?

[A]

Oh, it's completely inhabitable. There's not a single spot that's not inhabitable, that's not uninhabitable. Not even one.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

From sea to shining sea, from coast to coast, from North Pole to South Pole, east to west, the equator to the latitude, longitude. Every spot is habitable, pole to pole,

[B]

and then, so and then. But how densely populated are you? Are you, like, on top of each other?

[A]

They're spread out. It's pretty spread out. I would say maybe as populated as in some of the more dense areas. Los Angeles is some of the more sparse areas. Ohio. Okay, like Cleveland? No, like. Like Akron.

[B]

What about, like, Montana?

[A]

Montana's pretty sparsely populated.

[B]

Yeah. So you want to.

[A]

So we don't have any of that.

[B]

Oh, you don't have any of that?

[A]

No.

[B]

So if I just really wanted a lot of space, like, I had to live like I was at Akron. So there's person maybe, like two miles

[A]

away from me, probably. Yeah. And it's mostly big cities.

[B]

Mostly big cities.

[A]

We do have a few wooded areas. There are beaches. Not a ton of them, though, but it's mostly. We're city girls.

[B]

So your planet does not have a lot of water. Kind of like Jupiter.

[A]

We have water. Like New York City has a lot of water. The New York City's surrounded by water.

[B]

Well, you know, there's. I've heard of a planet earth where there's 70% water. Do you think, like, what, what, what. What percentage of water is your. Is your geography 71. 71% water.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

So there's a lot of water.

[A]

There's no salt water.

[B]

So it's all fresh water, all drinkable water. So 71% of your planet is so similar to Earth, then you have 30% land. 70% water.

[A]

No. 29% land. You lose. It's 71% water.

[B]

Okay, and are your continents spread out? Are they just one big continent and the rest Water.

[A]

They're strips.

[B]

Strips.

[A]

From North Pole to South Pole, there are. There are 20 strips evenly divided around the planet. Wow. So to get from continent to continent, you take a train underwater.

[B]

An underwater train.

[A]

There are no airplanes.

[B]

How is. How is technology on your planet? Are you guys pretty advanced?

[A]

Oh, it's remarkable. First of all, there is no gas. We do not fly, we do not drive. Everyone is either taking bikes or they're taking trains. It is legally mandated. If you build a car, you will go to prison.

[B]

Oh, so you have prisons on your planet?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Is there a lot of crime on your planet?

[A]

Yeah. Like building cars.

[B]

And what are some of the forms of crime? Maybe, if I can make a suggestion, maybe you might want to make gaslighting illegal.

[A]

Okay, I didn't make suggestions for your crummy little planet. Okay.

[B]

Why I gotta be crummy?

[A]

Here's the thing that are legal. Extreme capitalism, you can sell stuff, but the prices are gonna be set. It is what it is. Pollution is very, very, very illegal. Sponges are illegal.

[B]

Why sponges?

[A]

It is what it is. The girls who get it, get it. The girls who don't, don't. Let's ask the audience.

[B]

And then. So what if you break this rule? Like, do you go to prison? Is it jail?

[A]

Prison.

[B]

For how long? What is the sentencing? And how. Is there a judge?

[A]

There is. You're tried by a jury of your peers. If you build like a lawnmower, we'll put you in jail. Prison. It's straight to prison, by the way. No jail.

[B]

Straight to prison.

[A]

Straight to prison.

[B]

In the interim between the arrest and the sentencing. What's happening to me?

[A]

You're the. You're in the cop car. And then you go to. You go straight to the courthouse, and then from there you go straight to prison.

[B]

Got it?

[A]

If you build like a lawnmower, you'll be in prison for, like, 15 days. If you build a car, you're gonna go there for one year. If you build an airplane, you're getting life, life, life.

[B]

And are we not focusing? Are we censoring rehabilitation at all, or we just putting us in there just to.

[A]

It depends on how big of a. Like, if you like, how many places. How many places. Give me the offense. How many places? We're talking about pollution. How many planes have you built?

[B]

Oh, baby. My name is Jeffrey R. Boeing. I've been secretly building planes for the past century.

[A]

How many?

[B]

3000.

[A]

Death. Death. Literal death. By plane, by the way. We're going to put you against the mountainside and then fly A plane into your body.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Right into your chest. You love planes so much. You love planes. Good.

[B]

And how do you exist? Are you omnipotent? Omnipotent?

[A]

I am neither of those things. I am like you all, except I don't die.

[B]

So you just have.

[A]

But I can. But to be clear, I can be killed. But just so you hoes know, if I die, the planet dies.

[C]

Can you get charged for a crime?

[A]

I certainly can. I certainly can. But if I die, the planet dies.

[B]

And then. So what happens when we reveal, kind of like Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana, that you were Jeff R. Boeing all along? And you. You made those planes.

[A]

When I get hit by that plane, this whole motherfucker's coming down.

[B]

Coming down.

[A]

So just know it's like when a movie where they like when the bad guy's like, I have connected above to my heart. And if my heart stops, the Empire State Building blows up.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

So you can kill me, but might not be a good look.

[B]

So he's saying the rules don't apply to you. Really?

[C]

No.

[A]

The rules apply to me. But there's consequences. Cause I made all this.

[B]

See, this is why.

[A]

If I can't enjoy it, you can't enjoy it.

[B]

This is why we can't be Mormon, honey. Because our plans will be a mess. You know what our first act on Malashka is? To fucking send a fucking nuclear napal bomb and go wipe your shit out.

[A]

So you have nuclear weapons?

[B]

Yes. Well, we built them specifically to fight your planet.

[A]

Well, first of all, to be clear, we have a shield around our planet. You couldn't touch us if you wanted to.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And not only that, the way our shield works is it. It deflects it, right? It re hones it at twice the velocity. And then we attach a new nuclear warhead to it. You will be obliterated.

[B]

This is why this. See, this is why you can't believe Bob in a playground, you're like, I have to a gun that can shoot your. Actually, I have a shield that only blocks your type of bullet. Very bomb.

[A]

Goodbye.