So, yeah, I'm not gonna say my name and you're just gonna have to deal with it. Cool. Call me Ultron or Percival or the kid who fought Bigfoot. I don't really care. Just don't say my name. Cool. Cool. Oh, okay, cool. I. What do I just talk then, right? I mean, I haven't really talked about this, not since the cops and stuff. I mean, I mean the news didn't even pick it up because, you know, no one gives a shit when some screw ups go missing in the woods. But hey, I guess you care. So, yeah, good on you. Can I just say for the record, like, if people are gonna hear this officially, that I'm not a bad kid. Or wasn't a bad kid. I mean, yeah, I hung out with some deviants, as my dad would say, and I did some stuff, but I mean, it's not like I was a crackhead or some kind of shit, you know? But in the end, I must have crossed some kind of invisible line because one night I'm sleeping in my room, minding my own business, when these two massive dudes, I mean, huge, yoked out guys, wake me up and cuff me and drag me into this SUV and then onto this propeller plane. I mean, like, with actual propellers, right? I didn't even know they make those things anymore. Anyway, turns out this was all happening because my parents decided to ship me off to this wondrous thing called a wilderness therapy program. I don't know if you've ever heard of these. It's where screw ups like me get sent to get our lives together, or, you know, learn structure, discipline. You know, all the stuff our parents failed to actually give us themselves. So really, if you think about it, this is all actually their fault. Just saying. Anyway, the point is, now I'm stuck on this tiny ass prop plane with a giant named Dwight who's apparently my temporary legal guardian because I wasn't 18 yet and I didn't have the first clue what was actually happening to me. And Dwight had the balls to just sit there and smile at me and say all cryptically and shit that my whole life was about to change. And I mean, I guess he was right. Because it kind of did. And not for the better. You know what? Now that I think about it, why are you even talking to me? Like, can I see your badge again? I don't think that's necessary. So what, you're some kind of Bigfoot freak then? Or is this some supernatural hidden camera show bullshit? Because what happened to me isn't like entertainment. Calm down. You're just as bad as Dwight. You know that. And you know what else? Screw this. Screw you. I'm done. So, yeah, we're back. And it looks like it's in my best interest to keep talking, even though I've never heard of the stupid agency. But yeah, you ask and I tell, right? So where was I again? The plane. Right? Propeller plane to the middle of nowhere. I later learned it was British Columbia, but right then, all I could see was this shitty landing strip in the forest, like something out of a horror movie. And Dwight pulls me off the plane and into a Jeep and then we start driving even further into nowhere until he parks and hands me a jacket and this huge backpack and tells me to start walking. So we walked and walked, and if this sounds boring, that's because walking is boring. But eventually, finally, we reached this clearing with a bunch of tents and a group of kids staring at me. There were something like 11 of them, plus the two counselors, Barry and Joan. Barry was a piece of shit with a big cross tattoo on his arm, and Joan looked like she could snap a tree in half, so I didn't dare talk to her. So the first thing Barry and Joan did was warn me about running off. They said we were so far from civilization that things lived in this forest, but they didn't actually say what, which was weird, but I figured it was just stupid scare tactics and kept my head down as I unpacked a crappy tent and sleeping bag. And then I had to help with dinner, because that's what we did here, apparently. Bitch work and lots of it. And God, Jesus, the rules. No talking back, no slacking off work from dusk till dawn. Sell your soul, Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Ugh. Anyway, by the time dinner was done, it was dark and there were so many goddamn mosquitoes, I was itching like crazy. And we all gathered around a campfire for story time. I guess you could call them campfire stories, but they weren't scary. And I wasn't paying attention anyway because I was studying the faces of the other kids. All of them were just as angry and pissed off as me and desperate to get out. But then this weird sound echoed from the forest and those faces changed to fear. It was like this low growl almost along with snapping branches, like Jurassic park when the T. Rex is coming. And even Barry and Joan tensed up. And Joan said, that right there's why you don't go in the woods alone. Because that right there, that's Bigfoot. And then she launched in this old Indian legend about this creature that guards the forest. And I was like, bullshit, right? Because it was just another scare tactic to keep us in line. But yeah, I'm a stupid kid. What did I know? So the next day, we packed up and started walking. Because endless walking with a 40 pound pack on your back is apparently what builds character and changes your life. At least I got to talk to a couple of the kids while we walked. There was this guy, Landon. Football and too much coke, I guess. And he'd been there for like two months and was on the verge of going crazy. And even though he was kind of A tool. I felt for him. I'd go nuts after a week, let alone two months there, you know? And I also noticed this girl, Cassie, making eyes at me. But before I could even say hi or anything, the whole group suddenly stopped in their tracks and went dead quiet. And, yeah, it was. Cause there was blood on the trail. Well, more than just blood. It was like a shit ton of it. I mean, in pieces of something, like maybe a deer, maybe something else. I don't know. Because it had been wrecked. I mean, torn completely apart. And, yeah, it was pretty horrible. But Barry and Joan tried to play it all off as normal. It's just the woods. Nature's crazy. And we walked around the mess and kept going, walking and walking, boring walking, until the sun started dropping and we set up camp in another clearing. Later, there was more story time. And again, I wasn't really listening because I was looking at Cassie and I wondered what she did. Maybe her parents were super religious and she overstepped a boundary or something. I don't know. But I. I guess I'll never know now. I'm fine. I'm fine. Anyway, we all headed for our tents later when another sound echoed from the woods. It was weird. It sounded sad, almost like this really sad roar. Like something was hurting but not in pain, just sad. And it sounded closer than the night before. And I saw Barry and Joan tense up again, and they said they'd stay by the fire and keep it lit that night, you know, just to be safe. Later on, I woke up to find the firelight was gone. That, and there was something in my tent. Something. Boo. Got you there. But in all seriousness, it wasn't like Bigfoot or anything. It was Landon. And he'd woken me up because he wanted to make a run for it, Like a run from the camp, from all of this shit. And he wanted me to come with him because there's strength in numbers. That's what he said. Anyway. So his plan was we'd head in one direction until we hit a road, then hitchhike wherever we went. No parents, no counselors, no bullshit. Just freedom. And, you know, honestly, I liked the sound of that. I mean, I'd go home, of course, eventually, but only when I was 18 and my parents couldn't ship me back here. Then I'd get a grip and go to college, get back on track. So, yeah, of course, I agreed. But, well, I did have one request. I wanted Cassie to come, too. And, yeah, that was stupid of me. I mean, I hadn't even talked to her. I Mean. I mean, it's not like I knew something bad was going to happen. I mean, really, how could I have known? Shit. I'm fine. Just. Yeah, so since Barry and Joan had accidentally fallen asleep and the coast was clear, we just. Yeah, we just left. Just the clothes on our backs, one flashlight, some water, protein bars, and that's it. We didn't even have a map or anything stupid. But into the woods we went, sticking to the shadows, kind of pushing blindly through the underbrush. And it was hard, you know, trying to keep going while listening behind us to make sure we weren't being followed. And after a couple hours of no noise, no nothing, we started to think you we might have just pulled this off. But of course, we weren't alone in those woods. And I was about to see why for myself. We'd stopped for a quick break, and I went off to take a piss. And that's when I heard, I don't know, something. It was like a growl, real deep, coming from the trees nearby. And I tried to shake it off because I. Well, I had no idea what to do if it was a bear or a wolf or something. But then I saw it, and it wasn't a bear or a wolf. No, it. Well, it was in the shadows, so I couldn't quite tell, but it was tall. Like a tall person. Like a really tall person. Creature thing. Like a Bigfoot. And, I mean, I knew it right then. As I stared at this shadow in the trees that I knew was looking right back at me, I just knew, I realized we were totally and completely screwed. So, yeah, there I was, staring into the woods as this shadowy Bigfoot thing. And, yeah, I was. I was scared, not gonna lie. So it took everything I had just to move my feet. And I backed up so slowly, like, painfully slowly, until I was finally out of sight of the thing. And you know what's crazy? The thing didn't move one inch. Just sat there, watching me. So, yeah, so I regrouped with Landon and Cassie and, you know, didn't want him to think I was a puss or anything, so I just said we should keep moving. And we did. And it must have been, I don't know, another hour or so, following the moon, pushing through all these stupid bushes. When we finally found something, a cabin in the absolute middle of nowhere, my first instinct was to just avoid the thing and go around, but Landon made the good point that there could be a map or food or, I don't know, weapons inside. So we scoped the place out, realized no one was home and snuck in the back door. It was weird. The place smelled like mildew and old wet wood, but it was full of, it's like, weird stuff. Like, I guess, like there were cameras, like fancy ones with night vision and infrared and a ton of rope and netting and a tranquilizer gun. So, yeah, creepy. And that's before I even found the suit. Yeah, the suit. It was a big monkey suit or Bigfoot suit, just hanging in the corner, airing out. Cassie was the first one to see it and she screamed even though we were trying to be quiet. And as I got close to it, I began to wonder if this was the thing I saw staring at me earlier. But why would some dude be running around in the middle of nowhere in a Bigfoot suit? Cassie was completely spooked and said we shouldn't be there, so she peaced out and went outside. So Landon and I started grabbing what we could. He got the tranq gun and I grabbed a pretty badass looking knife. And we also found this dusty map spread out on a table under a bunch of other crap. There was writing all over it. But we were able to figure out where the cabin was and realized there was a road, like an actual road, only a few hours due north of us. But to get there, we'd have to pass by all these weird X's that were marked all over the map. Landon said maybe the guy's a treasure hunter, but I didn't know treasure hunters with Bigfoot suits and nets and tranquilizer guns. So I just said we should get the hell out of here. And right about then is when Cassie screamed again. We ran outside and found her looking at the ground a few feet from the cabin's front door. And she was looking at it because there was a ton of blood there. Like almost as much as when we saw that mutilated animal. But there was no body there, Just a big old puddle of blood and what looked like some bloody drag marks leading into the woods. Like, how do you make that much blood and not leave anything behind? Anyway, so, yeah, we booked it out of there. And I thought that if we just keep going north, moving fast, we could reach the road before the sun came up. But. But. But as we kept moving, the sounds in the forest kept getting weirder. Or, I don't know, maybe I was just on high alert, but every rustle in the bushes, every snap of a branch had me jumping. After about, I guess, an hour, my legs were exhausted, so I can only imagine how Cassie was feeling. I even got to talk to her and learn she was from Iowa and that her parents were even more psycho than mine and thought we might, you know, be connecting or something, when suddenly a net snapped around our feet and yanked us up into the air. So, yeah, there I was, upside down, smashed up against Landon and Cassie with this net digging into every part of my body. And I realized we stepped into some kind of psycho trap. And as we dangled there cursing, I finally got my bearings and saw that the ground was, you know, like, a good 20ft below us, which. That's a long way to fall, and I'm not really good with heights, but, you know, that's the only way down was to cut the net. And thankfully, I was still holding on to that badass knife, so I started to cut. And as soon as we hit the ground, I heard this horrible yell. And it was Landon, and his arm was. Oh, it was screwed. I mean, like, bones sticking out and everything. So, yeah, that was not good. But that wasn't even the worst part. It was when Landon stopped yelling and something yelled back, if you could call it a yell, or growled back, roared back. I mean, it was the same thing we heard at the campfire, though, the last few nights. And this time, I mean, it was close. So I pulled Landon to his feet and we kept going. We just hauled ass through the bushes. And it must have been just a few minutes when Landon started lagging behind us because, I don't know, shock, blood loss. I offered to take the tranq gun, but I don't know, I guess it made him feel better, so he held onto it and we kept moving, just trying to be as quiet as possible, hoping to God we reached the road and somebody for help. And all of a sudden, I heard this weird rustling behind us. And I look back and Landon was gone. Just gone. I called out for him as loud as I could without being, I don't know, too loud, but no reply came. And I realized Cassie was looking at me and she was terrified. And she asked me what we should do, and I said we had to keep moving. I didn't know where Landon was, and he'd had the flashlight, so we had no way of looking for him. Yeah. So we just kept moving, picking up the pace. And, you know, the forest, it just. It felt like it was closing in on us, like on purpose or. I don't know, maybe it just felt that way. And. And then we heard the growl again, like it was right behind us. And so we lost it. We just started running. And because we couldn't see where we were going, we fell, and we rolled. And it turned out there was this huge hill that we had tripped down, and we were banging into rocks and roots and trees. And by the time I reached the bottom, I realized I was alone. Cassie was gone, just like Landon. And you know what? You know what, man? It's like the silence is what made it even worse. There weren't even any screams. And, um. Well, I didn't know what to do. I was all beat to shit from the hill. But I don't know, I still somehow had that knife. And I knew from the moon which way the road was. So. Does it make me an asshole leaving them like that? Cassie and Landon, I mean. I mean, I couldn't have found them. I had no flashlight, and they were gone. They were. And that thing? Yeah. Yeah. So I guess I did the asshole thing. And I left knife out, hoping I could reach the road, reach, help, anything. But I didn't make it that far because I came into this small clearing, and there it was. Bigfoot, like, 8ft tall, dark fur, blood all over its hands. I could even see it breathing, like it had been running, like it had been killing. And I'll tell you this. That was 100% no dude in his suit. And I was so scared. I didn't move, just froze up. And I think the creature knew I was scared because it made, like, a little growling sound and took a step toward me. And I raised the knife a little, even though I didn't think it would help me. But the Bigfoot froze in place. And I saw it eye the knife, and I knew it was thinking. It knew what the knife was, knew I could hurt it. And we just stood there staring at each other, its breath heaving under those muscles and fur. And then with this, like, weird, dismissive grunt, the bigfoot turned and disappeared into the trees. And I just about passed out right there. It was so much. But, you know, I just waited. I gave it 20 seconds, and I started moving again. I don't even know if I did it on purpose. It's just kind of happened. And I never looked back once I reached the road about 20 minutes later. And luckily, there was this car, some old local, and I flagged him down. I must have looked like shit. But he stopped, and. Yeah, yeah, that was that. I obviously didn't disappear until I was 18. The guy drove me to a phone, and I called for help, and I don't think the cops believed me, but, you know, they looked for Landon in Cassie, but they never found him. Like, I mean, not Even a scrap of clothing or anything. And I. Yeah, I went home and my parents treated me with kid gloves after that because I was a wreck. And I never leave the house now, basically. And this is the first time I've really talked about it since then, like, not even to my parents. So I don't know. I want to know. Why are you making me dig all this up for you? Like, is something happening in those woods again? Is it?