← Sleep Magic: Sleep Hypnosis & Meditation for Sleep Podcast
Sleep Magic: Sleep Hypnosis & Meditation for Sleep Podcast
Grieving The Life You Didn't Live, New Job Nerves & Growing Closer To Your Family 💌 February Magic Mailbag
00:35:10
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Jessica Porter
Ugh.
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Jessica Porter
Hey there, Sleep Magic listeners. I want to share a unique bedtime podcast with you that can be a perfect partner to what we do here. It's called I Can't Sleep, hosted by Benjamin Boaster. In this podcast, Benjamin reads Wikipedia articles in his incredibly calming voice designed to gently lull you into a peaceful slumber. He covers a whole range of subjects you just might enjoy, like comets, cicadas, and my personal favorite, Canada. These topics are just engaging enough to distract your mind from the stresses of the day, but boring enough to send you to sleep, making it a great option for when you want to mix up your bedtime listening. So if you enjoy what we do here at Sleep Magic and are looking for another soothing option to help you unwind, I highly recommend checking out I Can't Sleep. Follow the I Can't Sleep podcast now and get ready to wind down and relax with Benjamin. Find I Can't Sleep wherever you listen to podcasts. Hi everyone, I'm Jessica Porter, and welcome back to Sleep Magic, a podcast where I help you find the magic of your own mind, helping you to sleep better and live better. Welcome to this month's Mailbag episode where I will do my best to answer the questions you've sent in. But before we dive into some of these issues, I want to say a few things. Reminder, I am not an expert on any of these topics except hypnosis. And even that I'm not sure I'm an expert. I will give you my experience, my perspective, my opinions, but I may also be stumped by some of your questions. And I won't pretend to know things that I don't know. So if you want or need professional support with any of the issues that you bring up here, I encourage you to seek it out. Second, I generally say this episode may not be appropriate for children, but knowing what's coming ahead, I don't think that's true this week. And finally, if my voice, or the cadence of my voice tends to help you fall asleep, then you don't want to be listening to this in the car or while you're doing something important. You might want to listen to it on a hike or something, right? So let's get going. From Kayla, I want to start this by saying your podcast really helps me, especially when it comes to dealing with changes in my life. It stops me worrying about them so much. But I'd love to ask you this question. Do you think we can grieve things that don't have funerals, like old friendships, past versions of ourselves, or the lives we imagined for ourselves as we made different decisions? And does that healing start once we admit that loss? Oh, Kayla, I love this question. And yeah, I believe we absolutely grieve things beyond people who we have rituals around grieving 100%. Because here's a very important truth for all of us. To the subconscious mind, there's no difference between reality and fantasy. No real difference. Meaning, okay, I watch Grey's Anatomy. I mean, not every week, but I've had my moments. And within like 10 minutes, I'm weeping like a baby at Grey's Anatomy. That's part of why I watch it these days, is to get me to that place about some storyline. And you know, I'm weeping. And I know from my conscious mind that those actors are being paid and that they're actors. And I know logically that they have nothing to do with their actual characters, that they're not in an actual hospital. In fact, I've auditioned for shows just like this. So I'm even thinking some of these actorly thoughts while I'm watching. And still I'm crying my eyes out because my subconscious mind is going for the emotional ride. My imagination and my emotions are firing and I am right there as if it is real. And in fact, the entire entertainment industry is based on this fundamental principle that to the subconscious mind, which is a very big part of who we are, fact and fantasy are equal. Now, let's apply that to our own lives. So you have some idea or vision about what you want professionally. You think about it, you dream about it, you make moves in that direction. Your subconscious mind is making an invisible map of how to get there and what you will do when you get there, how you will feel. You're putting real energy into it, whether you realize it or not. And then for whatever reason, it ends up not happening. Your subconscious mind is going to grieve that like it's real and it will hurt. And that's okay. As far as I'm concerned, that's entirely normal. I can't tell you how many romances I've had to grieve because they never ended up happening. You know, like we went through flirtation, daring to get to know each other, and my subconscious mind got invested, even started planning and creating an imaginary future. And this is sometimes happening sort of behind my back or below the surface. It can be hard to control. And then for whatever reason, it's not a match. And I feel like something died. And guess what? It did. My fantasy died and I was invested in it, and that was real. So it's important not to shame yourself around this stuff. It's very real. And in fact, Kayla, I encourage you to grieve stuff. I think grieving is sort of a human art. I mean, it's a painful art, but an art nonetheless. And it can be resisted and block us all up, or it can be done with grace and open us up to life. It's something we're invited to practice in our human lives. And I think that the more adept and graceful we get at this letting go, the happier we can be, the freer we can be. Because the subconscious mind is losing stuff all the time and it's creating stuff all the time. So get good at letting go, and you get good at creating. And remember, Kayla, grief has a beginning, middle, and end, meaning if you're really feeling the feelings, they eventually pass and open you up to more room to feel, well, everything, but especially to feeling good. So I love your question, Kayla. It's deep, it's thoughtful, it's real. I relate to it, and I hope everyone listening does too. Thank you. We have a couple questions about hypnosis first from Doogie. After we fall asleep, how much influence do continuing words have on our subconscious? Well, this is a wonderful question. I think it's probably difficult to know, actually, and I think To a great extent. Once your inner world takes over and you start to dream in your sleep and you're distracted by your dreams, then the influence of the words diminishes. But that doesn't mean that the words and ideas you're hearing on sleep magic don't have an impact. I like to think of it as, like when you're walking on a beach. You may be walking down the beach, but talking to a friend at the same time. And get into an intense conversation that completely distracts your conscious mind, engages your feelings, something that has nothing to do with the beach but the waves, the crashing of the waves, the smell of the surf, the feel of the cool sand on your feet, those things are all still having an impact on you. So I think it's safe to say that even when you're sleeping, the hypnosis remains in the background. And your body and your autonomic nervous system, your subconscious mind are aligning with it and responding to it to a greater or lesser degree. Whether you know exact suggestions become sealed on your subconscious mind, and you end up doing them automatically the next day. I don't know. It depends on your level of suggestibility, the amount of repetition, and your desire to change in that department. But the brain waves you experience during sleep are suggestible states. So you cycle in and out of these deeper sleep states where your brain waves are even slower than the alpha state that we get into in sleep magick. And chances are you're even more suggestible in those states. Plus, we only dream for a certain segment of our sleeping time, about two hours. So you really are in those deep, suggestible states for much of the night. But the proof is really in the pudding. How are you feeling, Doogie? What do you think? Are you noticing little tidbits of the hypnosis floating up into your mind during the day? Let us know and thank you for your question. Next, from Anonymous on tv. People are pulled out of their hypnotic state with a snap of the fingers or other means. How do we come out of our hypnotic state? With sleep magic. Mmm. I love this. So great. It's like hypnosis nerds tonight. Love it. Well, first of all, the coming out of the hypnotic state with a snap of a finger is a choice on the part of the hypnotist and it's technically unnecessary. So on stage, during stage hypnosis, it's a bit of drama. But in private practice, some sort of counting out or signal that the hypnosis is over is really just an invitation for the mind to come back to a certain speed, but it's not a requirement. It's not like you're going to get stuck in there. And hypnotists generally prepare the subject for it anyway so they can participate. They say, in a moment, I'm going to snap my fingers. And when I do, you'll come out of this trance, or you'll come back to your conscious waking state. Boom. You know, in some way, they've trained the person to respond that way, because it's important to remember that all hypnosis is self hypnosis. You have to agree to the suggestions for them to work. And it's also really important to know that hypnosis is a totally natural state of mind. And you go in and out of hypnosis all the time. Even watching a good TV show induces hypnosis. So let's imagine a great show like the Sopranos or Breaking Bad or whatever. They're thoroughly hypnotic. You get deeply involved emotionally and mentally. But when it's over, you don't need someone to snap their fingers to get you to stop watching. Even if you need to stop in the middle of an episode. You don't need some formal ritual to do that. Or consider going to a movie theater. A movie is even more hypnotic than a TV show because you're in a dark room and all other sensory stimulus is cut out. The screen is five times taller than your entire body, so the film itself is completely overwhelming your visual field. And most of your sensory choices are being made by the filmmaker. That's an intense hypnotic induction. But do you need someone to snap their fingers when the movie's over? No. Your mind can just change channels without having some weird rupture or permission from an external source. Your mind is cycling in and out of different states of consciousness all the time, including going to sleep. And although sleep is a radically different consciousness than your waking consciousness, you don't need permission to go into it or come out of it. You don't need someone to snap their fingers to wake you up in the morning, although my mother used to do that with me when I was a teenager. Get up, get up, get up. And sure, we all need to wake up because we're on schedules these days. So maybe an alarm clock is your snapping of the fingers, but left to your own devices, like on a weekend, you'll absolutely wake up on your own at some point. So that's how it works. Sorry to demystify hypnosis so much that it might seem rather boring, but I really love talking about it in these terms because I think it's important for people to know that this is just a way your mind works and once you understand it, you can use it for your own benefit, which is what we're doing here at Sleep Magic. So thank you. Thanks for your question.
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Depop Announcer
Close your eyes, exhale, feel your body
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Jessica Porter
relax and let go of whatever you're carrying today.
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Quaker Oatmeal Announcer
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Depop Announcer
And breathe.
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Jessica Porter
Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-contacts. Hi everyone. I hear from you guys all the time about those nights where your thoughts just won't switch off no matter how tired you are. It's exactly what we work on together here with Sleep Magic. And it's also the idea behind another podcast called Nothing Much Happens, hosted by Kathryn Nicolai. Her show, like ours, is all about calming your nervous system with gentle storytelling. Nothing stressful, nothing dramatic, nothing you need to keep track of. Just soft narration and repetition to help you drift into rest. Millions of people around the world listen to Nothing Much Happens to quiet their minds before bed, and I recently checked out an episode called from the Hammock on one of those nights where my thoughts wouldn't quit and it really relaxed me. So if you'd like another tool in your bedtime kit, it could be worth adding this to your listening routine. You can listen to Nothing Much Happens wherever you get your podcasts episodes every Monday and Thursday.
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Jessica Porter
Next From Heather have you ever had a long term job come to an end and have to pivot into something else? All of a sudden I'm facing this prospect and I'm terrified if you have do you have any advice? You know, the truth is, Heather, I haven't experienced this, at least not in the corporate sort of 9 to 5 sense. But I have experienced something similar. One of the things that I've done for a living in my life is write books. I've done a few of my own, but I also write books with other people. And sometimes the writing of a book with another person can take several years, from the inception of the idea to the completed manuscript sent to the publisher. And those jobs sort of start and stop on a dime. So I understand those pivots. And a couple of years ago I was actually working on three different writing projects at once. I was writing one actual book and doing two book proposals which require creating the skeleton of a book, which is hard. So I was really deeply down three rabbit holes at the same time. And I was really afraid that I wouldn't be able to toggle between them mentally. But this all comes back to what I was just saying earlier, you know, about the brain doesn't need some snap of the fingers to come out of sleep or come out of a movie or whatever, or to change channels. And that our brains, especially female brains, brains bathed in estrogen, are designed for multitasking. Lots of estrogen makes it easier to toggle between the two hemispheres and handle stimulus from all sorts of directions all at once. And Heather, I realize your question doesn't ask that specifically. You were saying you've been on a certain committed channel for a long time and now you're being asked to go to a radically different channel. Can you do it? In my experience, you absolutely can. Absolutely. In fact, I encourage you to impress yourself as you make this transition. It might be a cool learning experience. Understand that if your Mind doesn't need any of what you did on your previous job for this new pursuit. It's not going to dump it all and forget it, but it will happily close the door on it and open a new door to the new thing. It just will. We're designed to do that. We're designed to handle the shift from winter to spring, summer to fall, to have more than one conversation at a party. We are more flexible than we think. At the same time, Heather, I want to honor your anticipation of this as being difficult. I completely get it. I think making a big shift, especially when you've been in a whole other groove or routine, can feel stressful. It's normal. You've been in a job for a long time and you've established the habits, you've established the routines, the relationships. You have expertise in the field and you probably feel pretty comfortable. And you've earned that comfort. And now you're about to step into a new environment with new stimuli, a lot of unknowns, and that is fundamentally somewhat stressful. But going back to your question, I do not believe that simply because you're entering something new from a stable routine experience that it will be any harder than if you weren't. If you were just coming at it cold. In fact, you could say to yourself, the fact that I've created stability and comfort in this previous job is the best predictor that I will do the same thing in this next job. So you can glean some confidence from your experience. So let's make a mental and emotional plan here. Instead of having some vague superhero expectations of yourself or low expectations, I would build in mentally and emotionally about six months, a feeling, some degree of discomfort like plan for that, I would say based on my own experience and watching others. Like six months is pretty standard because your subconscious mind is going to have to learn a lot of new things, you know, new people, new stresses, new responsibilities. But guess what? Your subconscious mind is a learning machine. It is in the business of doing stuff like this, and it's a form of growth, of expansion. And if you simply practice relaxation whenever you can and be very kind to yourself, Heather, because you will fall down like a toddler does sometimes after a few months, things that felt really uncomfortable at the beginning will feel downright normal. And in that way, this is a very exciting time where you get to see your strengths and nature's strength, because we are designed to learn. Second, Heather, reward yourself, build into the system little treats, a massage here, girls night out there, maybe a sweater you've been lusting After. It's important as you do this that you acknowledge that you're using your mind in a pretty intense way. So reward yourself for that. We clap when a kid does something new, so have that same positive energy for you here. You're stretching. You may want to write down your fears as they come up. Write them down at night or during the day as stressors arise. Release them by simply listing them. I'm afraid of losing this job, never mastering this, being yelled at, the boss hating me. Get it out of your body and you will find it easier to move forward. And finally, Heather, stay relaxed. By using Sleep Magic or any stress reduction techniques that you have, you'll help your brain slow down on a regular basis, which will help you to learn new things. Relaxed brains learn much better than freaked out brains. You're going to do great. Thank you for writing and let us know how it goes. From Maria. Hey Jessica, first of all, just wanted to say thank you for all that you do with Sleep Magic. Thank you, Maria, and you're welcome. I was never particularly close emotionally with my parents or siblings growing up, but in my late 30s, I've come to realize this is something I would love. Is it possible to grow closer to them later in life? And where do you even begin? Any advice would be amazing. Wow, Maria, thank you for sharing this. I really relate to this question. I didn't prioritize my relationships with my family until my early or even mid-30s. And even then, I mean, I wouldn't even say I prioritized them, but I recognized their importance. And, you know, I don't know how much of this is just modern life and our ability to move away from our hometown or try several new jobs or whatever, but. But I think our 20s in general are a period of real expansion for most people. You're learning, exploring, finding out who you are. You're meeting tons of people. And unless you had kids at an early age and leaned on your family for help, most of us were experimenting in relationships outside of the family. And it really makes sense that the nuclear family or the family of origin falls into the background for a while. I think that makes perfect sense. And it's also a time of realignment for parents. You know, as young adult children leave home, parents have to recalibrate, decide how they're going to be together as a couple, figure out their plans for the rest of their lives. So please don't beat yourself up that you haven't been paying a ton of attention to your family. Second, you say you weren't particularly close to them growing up. And I'm just wondering if there's some deep issues there that you may want to explore in therapy and really look at possible dynamics going on that would have caused you to retreat or not feel safe or just not feel close. And because I don't know you, Maria, I can't really dig into that too deeply. So I'm going to talk just about family in a more general way. I think as you discover the desire to get closer to your family, that's great, because barring members of our family passing away, I would say it's never too late to get close to family. Because the thing about family is it's like a constellation of stars you can't get out of. Even if you try to get out of it, you can't. On a deep genetic level, and don't get me wrong here, if you want or need to avoid a certain family member and maybe never speak to them again, that is your choice, and that is possible. But they will remain your family member. Whereas if you end a friendship, it's over. You quit a job, it's done. But with family, there's always a connection of some kind, a genetic or familial curiosity. You know, they say that life is short, and I get that it is, but it's also weirdly long, you know? And in many respects, time is on our side. And I think that's especially true when it comes to most of our familial relationships. And that goes for the time you put into them and even the time you might choose to stay away from them. I got a little separation from my mom in my 20s for about a year. I didn't speak to her, which was very uncomfortable for both of us at times. But it actually forced us both to grow in new directions. And that served us very well in the future when we reconnected and continued to grow as individuals. I also had a little mini divorce from my dad in my later 20s. And I would say it was very productive for me to grow out outside of his force field for a while. But honestly, that was so long ago. In this, like, novel of my life, it feels like three chapters back or 10 chapters back, because here we are, the same novel of my life. And I'm going through a period with my dad where we're getting very close, closer than we've ever been. If I had any practical advice for you, Maria, it would be this. Just show up, like, go to that wedding, spend the money on the flight to the funeral, show up when people are Sick. And when they celebrate. Welcome new generations. Send that card. Buy that onesie. We have a new family member. He's the first of a generation in my family, and his name is Ben. Oh, baby Ben. We all just adore him, and we all text pictures of him and talk about who he looks like. And because he's a little piece of all of us, he's part of the constellation. And I think, Maria, there's nothing in particular you have to say or do but simply participate. Family's like a big boat rowing into the future, and you just row your individual oar, just pick it up, and by doing that, you all move together. There's a real beauty in that simple participation, and I hope you feel it. And you don't have to connect with every family member, but when a member of the family presents themselves and is willing to have a connection, and many, many, many of them, hopefully will you show up. Some you'll have more chemistry with, and that's okay. Some people will drive you a bit nuts, while others you'll get along with really weirdly easily because they're family. I have a friend with 13 children. Thirteen. And I mean, imagine the permutations of personalities among those children. And I happen to know that some of the kids talk to, like, six of their siblings, and they don't talk to other six. And that's okay. It's not a big deal. So be gentle on yourself and everyone else. You're not going to get along with everybody, but life is long and people change, and family's there for you for most of the ride. Second, I would say relax. I think I've said this in every single answer, but it really is my answer to everything. First of all, for me, you know, love flows along a highway of relaxation. I really like being present in my own body and opening energetically. And at the risk of sounding like a total hippie, sending good vibes to another person, listening unconditionally, accepting them as unconditionally as I can, really letting them in. Those are some magical qualities. And, of course, love also flows through action. So find out your best way of contributing to the family, whether it's through action or good vibes or a combination of both, and just show up finally. I hope you enjoy this reconnecting, enjoy the quirks and the similarities and that chin that looks just like yours. And even the difficulties, difficulties within a family can feel especially hard because you can't just exit the constellation, even if you step away for a while. But that fixed constellation also forces us to grow to confront things we might not in a friendship and to really transform as people. And you may need support as you do this, so get as much support as you can from your friends, from professionals, meditation, whatever you need. One more thing, and I think I might have said it already today. Remember, you can't change people. You can accept them and you can inspire them and maybe even have an influence on them you don't know about or never find out about. But it's a waste of time and energy and will hurt the relationship if you try to change people. So just pick up that oar and row that boat with your family and see how it feels. I'm sure everyone will be glad that you're participating and thank you for that question. Next, from Dreaming Oracles, do you ever feel lost? Oh man, sometimes a question sort of grips me and tosses me around, and this one really got its fingers in me this week. If you want to hear my full answer and advice on this question, you can listen to the extended premium version of this episode by subscribing to Sleep Magic. Check the Show Notes for details. Okay, that's it for now. We do this monthly with extended episodes for subscribers, so please submit your questions in the next few weeks so I can answer them in the next episode and you can ask me anything. Whether it's about an issue you're having, a question about me, just a question about life. I'm open to thinking about discussing as many as I can, so be sure to send them in. If you listen to this podcast through the Sleepiest App or on Apple, send your questions to HelloLeepMagic FM. That's HelloLeepMagic FM. If you listen to this podcast on any other podcast player, go into the Show Notes where you'll find a Super Cast link. Click on that and go to the Ask Me Anything feature and you can write your question there. I really look forward to hearing your questions and please let us know in the reviews what you thought of this episode. Also, I'm sorry I can't get to everyone's questions. Some of them are aren't universal enough. But we really, really appreciate your sending them in, so thank you. Please keep sending them in and some of them I'll get to next time. Thank you and good night.