← Sleep Magic: Sleep Hypnosis & Meditation for Sleep Podcast
Sleep Magic: Sleep Hypnosis & Meditation for Sleep Podcast
Nightmares, Ghosting, & the Myth of Square One 💌 Magic Mailbag
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- [00:12]
Jessica Porter
Hi, I'm Jessica Porter, and welcome back to Sleep Magic, a podcast where I help you find the magic of your own mind, helping you to sleep better and live better. Hi everyone. Welcome to this month's Mailbag episode where I do my best to answer the questions that you've sent in, or at least give my unsolicited, well, solicited opinions, I guess, in this case. But before we dive in this month, a few things. First, a reminder that I am not an expert on any of these topics. I'll give you my experience, my perspective, my opinion, but I may also be stumped by some of your questions, and I won't pretend to know things that I don't. If you need professional help with some of these issues, I encourage you to seek it out. Second, as always, this episode may not be appropriate for children. And finally, if you're used to listening to Sleep Magic and falling asleep at the sound of my voice, you may not want to listen to this in the car or doing something serious because you may relax a little too much. If you want to really hear what I'm saying, maybe put it on while you're taking a walk or something. Active, but not dangerous. Okay, so let's get into the first question. Before we get started, let's hear a quick word from our sponsors who make this free content possible.
- [01:43]
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- [02:20]
Jessica Porter
From Lydia I keep getting ghosted. I'm on the apps for the first time and I've been ghosted a couple of times. Sure, whatever. But I really thought I had a connection with the most recent one. I'm talking butterflies. FaceTiming real talk. How do I protect my feelings for what seems to be unavoidable part of online dating? Oh, Lydia, I feel for you. And I feel like this falls under a big category of questions that really are about how technology is changing our lives. It's hard because back in the day, you know, relationships began a little more organically and now on an app, it's like shopping and there's more people, we go through them more quickly, there's more rejection and more sort of looking over one another's shoulders at the next possibility, the next swipe. I would say don't take it personally, but that's a little rich. I mean, this can feel like the most personal thing in the world because you are what's for sale. I mean, you know what I'm saying? And that's your person, your being, especially when you develop feelings for someone online. So I want to look at this through a few different lenses. First, attraction doesn't actually mean anything. I know that's hard to hear possibly, and I used to think it did. I'm not attracted very often to people, and so it doesn't happen all the time. So when I was or am attracted to someone and they're attracted to me, I ascribed a lot of meaning to that. It was like, whoa, this is rare, so it must mean something. And then a wise friend said to me, attraction happens all the time. It's nice, enjoy it, but it doesn't necessarily mean anything. And that hit me right between the eyes because it makes sense. I mean, if nature didn't build a whole lot of attraction and into the picture, most of us wouldn't be here. So I started taking attraction a little less seriously, sort of putting fewer eggs in that basket and expecting it a little more often, realizing that if I brought a positive vibe and presented myself in a decent light, people would be attracted. I mean, some people, and that's what happens. It's just biology and chemistry. So that's what I mean. Part one, by they don't know you. That is, this thing that's happening is a natural, positive thing, but it doesn't necessarily mean that there is a story on the other side of it. Sometimes there is, but just because the attraction is there doesn't mean that there will necessarily be a next chapter. Second, they don't know you. It takes a long time to get to know someone. There are many layers, and many of those layers are sometimes contradictory or can be so. You may think you know a person, but you actually don't, nor do they know you. And even if someone's incredibly consistent, you can be sure of that only over time. Character is revealed over time and no other way. We are our personalities, our feelings, and our actions, but they are delivered over time in patterns. For instance, does this person have a meltdown once a year or once a week? It makes a difference. Does this person say thank you every time or just to impress you on a date? Does this person apologize when they've done something wrong? Does this person have friends? A lot of them? A few of them? How does this person interact with their friends? What do they say about people behind their backs? Keep in mind that the person you're meeting and having feelings about is just one layer of a much bigger onion, and he or she or they is meeting just one layer of yours. So if you feel discarded at a certain point, they haven't actually discarded you because they don't actually know you, nor do you really know them in the deepest sense. And that might make ghosting a little more palatable. I know that's not. That doesn't feel good, I'm sure. But it is true that it takes time to get to know people, so they don't really know you. Third, you gotta keep in mind, Lydia, this, for most people, is a numbers game. Here's a little story about online dating. A number of years ago, I had three close girlfriends who were really intent on finding mates. And they were on the apps. They didn't know one another, but I was able to watch each of their experiences over the period of about a year or a year and a half. And what did every single one of them learn and have to experience? That it's a numbers game. They had to have the stomach for meeting guy after guy, going on coffee dates or more romantic dates, or getting so involved that they were having sex. They had to be ghosted. They had to feel longing. And sometimes they did the ghosting themselves. They said it was a horrible, exhilarating, and very important learning experience. They learned about what they liked, what they didn't like, and most of all, they learned about themselves and started identifying their own strengths and weaknesses in this department. And although I have no idea, Lydia, if there's any magic in this, they all came up with roughly the same number. Each one of them met at least 40 new people on their quest. And I mean met, like, in person. And all three of them found their mates. Two got married and are still married to this day. And one had a really good relationship with her guy for about 10 years, and they're still friends. So if your goal is to find a good relationship that lasts, understand that this may be a numbers game for you, too. You may find him right out of the gate, or her or them, but you may not. And that's okay, too. Fourth, I can't believe I have four major things to say about this. I am a big believer, and I've probably mentioned it before in the mailbag that good, strong relationships sort of do themselves. We don't need to push or pull or manipulate a good relationship. Relationships are natural and involve powerful forces beyond our conscious control. And coming together with a good match has its own unique chemistry, which should Feel good and sort of right to both partners. And even when we, on one side of the equation, like you are now, feel some of the stuff ourselves, some of that goodness and rightness. The universe knows what it's doing. I fell in love with someone once, and it, man, it was like, boom. We had so much in common, such attraction. We could talk for hours. It was like we were two sides of the same soul. And then after a few months, it just ended for him. No big drama or fight, just whatever reverie we were in sort of evaporated for him. I was devastated. And I remember at the time when I was feeling we are perfect for each other and replaying all the great moments we'd had together in experiencing all the feelings again, which, by the way, is called euphoric recall. And it's very, very heady. An acquaintance of mine said, well, lucky he did it early so you didn't get in too deep. I wanted to kill her. And another friend who knew both of us, who had perspective and knew our actual characters over time said, yeah, I don't think you're actually right for one another. And yeah, you guessed it, I wanted to kill her too. But over time, and time is a real character in our lives that reveals our characters. And it took a while. I realized they were both right. We weren't a match. There were layers of our onions, really important ones that would drive us apart and cause a lot of pain. And we weren't moving in the same direction. And over time, I saw that those things played themselves out. And I realized I'm not in much control of who I have relationships with. The universe plays a big hand in it. And so, just so I don't sound like too much of a bummer, I have friendships and intimate relationships that have had staying power for no good reason, not due to any pushing or pressure on my part or the part of the other person. We just both keep showing up because we're both nurtured by the connection. We enjoy it. We've gotten to know each other over time and seen many layers of the onions, and we accept one another for who we are. There's space and acceptance and vulnerability and love. And many of those relationships. If you'd asked me when I met that person 15 or 20 years ago, will you still be in this person's life in 2025, I would have said, I have no freaking clue. So, yeah, there's a certain big picture letting go that is helpful. Finally, this person may come back. I'm going to use he for the purpose of simplicity. He may be freaked out by the attraction or the chemistry between you and he's feeling overwhelmed by it. He may not want to crack open as a person or an onion. That happens. He may be exploring a connection with another person. But don't take that and spin it into some fantasy, please, Lydia. If he's ready to explore it, he will show up again. And if he's not, he won't. And you have no control over that. And yes, you could text him late one night and start things up. I know that can be very tempting and you may even have another go round. But you'll never know if he wanted the connection bad enough to seek it out or if he just let you lead. And that matters. I want to be with people who want to be with me and make it known. In the meantime, Lydia, while you explore the apps and play the numbers game, learning about yourself and other people in the world, about how you work, what makes you tick, what makes you crazy, and nourish yourself, be kind to yourself. It may be quite a roller coaster. The whole system is designed to make us feel disposable. And you are not disposable. So hang out with those who know you and love you and want what's best for you until somebody steps down off the screen and joins them. Good luck and let us know how it goes. Next, from Mike. I've been having nightmares for two years now, since my brother died. They're always different, but I wake up in cold sweats, totally panicked. Any advice? Well, Mike, thank you for writing. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I assume that strange or scary dreams may be more common than we think after we lose a loved one. You aren't specific in your letter enough about the nightmares for me to address them per se. Maybe losing a brother has left you feeling sort of powerless or vulnerable or angry or abandoned. I don't know. But in my practice, I often ask clients to return to the dreams in hypnosis. So this time we go back to the subject matter, but in a really, really relaxed state. And then from that place, I allow them, or ask them to create a new outcome in the dream, to allow their subconscious mind to take action, to break whatever pattern is in there, or to fight back against the monsters of the dream or have the feeling that isn't finding resolution within the nightmare. Maybe that's grief or anger and this helps the client to take some agency within the dream. And that can stop the loop of the dreams, sometimes immediately. Sometimes it might Take a while as they change or shift or soften. But when you dream, your subconscious often is speaking to you, so it's worth listening. And the death of a loved one changes us. It's as if a part of us dies too. It can take a while for the brain to process that loss, especially if the death is quick or unexpected. I mean, think about it. You have a whole set of neurological responses in you about your brother. And with your brother, like, forged in that relationship over a lifetime. And now they have nothing to connect to, at least in the material world. And that's a big deal. That's a big change. After my mother died, I had dreams about her. Not too many, not too often, but they were definitely there. And the strangest thing is that although my mother and I were very close and felt genuine warmth for one another my whole life, in these dreams, almost everyone there was just one out of dozens. That has been the exception. In these dreams, she is unavailable, uninterested in me. Sometimes she's cold, or an addict, or moving out of town, or not picking up the phone. The exact opposite of our relationship in real life. And it's like the dream is trying to say she's gone, get the message. And at first it was really disturbing because the dream seemed to be trying to rewrite my relationship with her. And I was afraid that they almost could, that I would start to retroactively think differently about her, that we hadn't been close. But then I really thought about them. In these dreams, she wasn't yelling at me or being abusive. She was simply unavailable, no longer present, which is exactly what had happened. And it took me a while to really get that message, I guess deep in my subconscious mind, because death is big. And yes, your brother is no longer in the material world. And that's a huge loss. But I have one more angle on this, and it's a little more positive. I have an aunt, Aunt Bonnie, I call her. She's almost 90 now, and she's an incredibly wise and spiritual person. She was my mother's sister in law, and they were very close friends. And when my mother died, Aunt Bonnie said, well, now you'll learn to love her in a new way. And I was like, what? But then it started to sink in and it sort of blew my mind. It was like, the energy's not gone. The love is still there. So not every door to my mother is closed because my inner being knew her inner being. And that was always an invisible enterprise. That was always just a vibe. And that's where most of the love was anyway. So when I think about her, the vibe comes back. When I act like her, the vibe comes back. When I see pictures of her, the vibe comes back. And instead of feeling sadness and loss, I just started thinking I'm going to love her in a new way. When the vibe comes back, I let it get stronger and I let the love grow. So like I said, Mike, I don't have enough information about the dreams to really address them. But can you begin to love your brother in a new way, to forge that new relationship? Because although it sounds paradoxical, he is gone, but the relationship isn't. It's a vibration that you can carry with you and pull from and let it nourish you. So thank you for writing. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope things get better. Next from Anonymous. I'm dating a guy casually. He's 30, who makes way less money than me. I'm 31. I'm talking a $40,000 difference. Should I pursue this? Ah, me and the dating questions. If I'm not careful, I'm going to become a dating expert who never dates. But let's just get that clear from the get go, okay? So I don't get canceled or outed. She never pretended that she was dating. Great question. Rich and juicy question. So I have a short answer and a long answer. The short answer is, and I think this may probably be the answer, but if this is important to you, Anonymous, and you have a desire, even a secret desire, to change this person in this department and try to manipulate him to make more money or to be someone that he's not, let him go. I recognize that initial attraction and desire are powerful things and that financial disparity can sometimes seem like a little unsolvable problem in the background. It's just numbers, right? But it's actually a pretty big issue. And if your inclination is to think, oh, I'll work on him, I'll change him, then I think you're setting yourself up and him for some real pain. We shouldn't enter relationships with a plan to change the other person. It rarely, rarely works. My second answer is this. So there's a $40,000 salary difference between you, but his salary is just one piece of information about him and it sounds like it's meaningful to you. And I understand that money is a very real thing. It represents choices, options, material security and some degree of power in the world and power in relationships. But let's take a deeper look. Do you know why he's making this Current salary. Are there reasons for this? Has he gone into teaching because he's passionate about education and there is a real cap on his earning potential? Or does he not care about money or even have disdain for the desire to earn, like it's greedy or selfish? Or is he early in his career and just not earning to his potential yet? Those are three very different scenarios. But regardless of the reason, each scenario offers information that gives you context about this person that might help you to decide. The teacher may have a capped income, but is curious, passionate, cares about his students, and has lots of vacation time. He might make a great mate and dad. The imaginary guy who has disdain for earning may have some attitudes and opinions about money that might become sort of obstacles in the future. It's easy to be unattached and laissez faire about the world at a certain age, but money is a real and necessary component to modern life, and having a negative or negligent relationship to it doesn't tend to serve over time. And if he's just young and getting started, then, well, that's just a matter of time. My point is, what's the context here? Because it matters and you need to decide how you feel about it. So let's talk about you here. The fact that you're asking this question means that this earning disparity is meaningful to you and is even causing you to ask whether you should move on. Well, before I make any big decision, I generally do a fear inventory around it in order to get really clear about what's going on in me, what's driving me. So I encourage you to write down all your fears, and they may be something like, I'm afraid of him never making enough. I'm afraid of not being financially secure. I'm afraid of the pressure of being the primary breadwinner. I'm afraid of resenting him in the future or losing respect for him, or that it will affect our sex life. Money is a form of power in any relationship, so it presses a lot of our buttons. Deep, deep buttons. And this is a great opportunity to find out which buttons are getting pressed inside of you, whether they matter or can be changed. And it will help you navigate this situation. And if you decide to part ways, it's important information for you for future relationships. And like I said before, if you're secretly thinking, I will change him, beware. Finally, finally, love is powerful, more powerful than money, often. And if the connection you have with this person is here to help you both grow and evolve, if it has that kind of power and love is big. It can push through a lot of things. Then do your work. Stay honest with yourself and with him and let yourself change and grow and open your mind. Maybe your thoughts and feelings are outdated and don't serve you. Maybe you're meant to move beyond them. Maybe this love will show you a whole new experience of yourself and of life and of your earning power and your personal responsibility. Maybe the connection the two of you have is way more valuable than his salary and you are being called to find new strengths in him and in you. Money is important. I'm the first person to say that. But it can't buy everything. So just be clear and honest with everything going on inside of you and look at him within a greater context than this number. And if this connection is bigger than your thoughts and resistance and it stretches you, so be it. And when one day you're ticked off because he can't buy that Mercedes, you can blame me. No, I'm just joking. Life is long. A lot of things. A lot of things change in life. So good luck with this. Good luck with this. Next from another Anonymous Another dating issue. I don't know why people send me dating questions. I seem to have a lot of opinions about them, but I don't do that much dating myself. Anyway, from Anonymous I'm seeing two people at once. Do I have to tell them I've been dating for so long and never found someone I fancy, but two have come along at once? For the American listeners, fancy in Britain means like someone I like, but two have come along at once. I'm three dates in with one and two with the other. Have kissed both, but that's it. Should I pick one? I'm scared to hedge my bets, but what if I tell them I'm playing the field and I end up at square one as they've both dumped me? Oh, Anonymous well, first of all, congratulations. When it rains, it pours. And that's where we'll leave it for today's free version of the mailbag episode. If you want to unlock the extended version of this episode, become a subscriber and join us over on team Magic in just two taps on Apple Podcasts or visit sleepmagic.supercast.com by joining, you'll not only unlock this full episode with bonus mailbag questions, maybe including yours, but you can also enjoy ad free listening and listen to over 40 bonus episodes, plus the whole sleep Magic back catalog. So it's a pretty sweet deal. You'll also be helping us to keep creating the show and helping even more people find great rest. So your support goes further than you know. If you have questions you'd like me to respond to in the next mailbag, please send them to HelloLeepMagic FM. Or use the Ask Me Anything feature on the Super Cast link in the show Notes. And remember, you could ask me anything, whether it's about a personal issue, something you're curious about, or just a life question. I'm here to share my thoughts, opinions, experiences, and I look forward to hearing from you. Don't forget to leave a review or a comment wherever you listen to this show to let me know what you think of the episode. Your feedback is invaluable. Okay, I won't keep you any longer. Some of you might be ready to drift off. Sleep well and have a great night.