Slow Burn – Supercommunicators | 1. How to Talk to Anyone

Original Release: February 22, 2025
Host: Charles Duhigg
Guests: Nick Epley (Professor of Psychology, University of Chicago), Mandy Len Catron (Writer, Professor, UBC)

Episode Overview

In the kickoff episode of the “Supercommunicators” mini-series, host Charles Duhigg investigates why asking deep, sometimes vulnerable questions can transform our interactions and help us connect—even with total strangers. Drawing on research, personal stories, and the viral “36 questions that lead to love,” Duhigg explores the art and science behind meaningful conversations. He’s joined by psychologist Nick Epley and writer Mandy Len Catron, who help unpack why deep questions matter, how to use them in daily life, and how anyone can learn to be a better communicator.

Key Themes & Discussion Points

1. The Power of Deep Questions (00:31–06:52)

• Setting the Scene:
  Duhigg opens by asking psychologist Nick Epley a personal question: “When is the last time you cried in front of another person?” (00:31)
• Nick’s Experience:
  Epley recounts running an experiment at a finance executive conference, where he had strangers pair up and answer the “when did you last cry” question. Initial apprehension turned into engaged, meaningful connection—“By 15 minutes, I was getting nervous. Wait a minute. When are they going to stop? ...A couple of them are hugging each other. It was kind of magical, that moment, actually. And it was without question, the best thing that happened in their day.” — Nick Epley (03:33)
• Big Idea:
  Awkward, deep questions can open doors to genuine connection, even among unlikely groups.

2. Why Some Questions Land—and Others Don’t (06:23–12:10)

• Personal Backstory:
  Epley reflects on his youth, explaining how his parents’ approach changed everything the second time he was pulled over for drunk driving. Rather than lecturing, they asked him why he felt compelled to behave that way.
  • “That was kind of the first time, like, I’d really kind of gotten to know my dad a bit, and I could feel a bit more why he was concerned about me... That really shook me out of what was a bad path…” — Nick Epley (07:44)
• Turning Point:
  Empathetic, value-driven questions can prompt self-reflection and change. Asking ‘why’ gets much deeper results than asking ‘what’ or giving advice.

3. The Science of Instant Connection—The Fast Friends Procedure (09:37–12:10)

• Academic Roots:
  Epley discusses the “Fast Friends procedure”—an experiment using 36 progressively intimate questions to foster connection between strangers.
  • “By the end of these 36 questions, people tend to feel more connected to each other.” (09:37)
  • Nearly 70% of participants remained in contact after the experiment—even tracking each other down to remain friends or more (11:00).
• Takeaway:
  Intimacy-building is engineered by structured, escalating, personal questions.

4. The 36 Questions that Lead to Love—A Viral Phenomenon (12:46–17:22)

• Guest Segment—Mandy Len Catron’s Story:
  Catron found herself on a spontaneous “not-date” where she volunteered to try these 36 questions with an acquaintance.
  • “We just passed my cell phone back and forth across the table for hours, just taking turns asking and answering each of these questions. And it was like the rest of the world sort of fell away, and it was just the two of us talking.” — Mandy Len Catron (13:37)
• Going Viral:
  Her essay, “To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This” (NYT), was published after they’d begun dating, unexpectedly reaching 8 million readers and sparking a global conversation about deep questions (17:04).
• Mandy’s Reflection:
  Structure matters: questions begin gently, building comfort before diving deep (18:15).

5. What Makes Deep Questions Work? (18:15–22:52)

• Discussion of Escalating Intimacy:
  • Questions focus on values, feelings, and personal experiences (e.g., “Why did you become a doctor?” rather than “What hospital do you work at?”).
  • “It matters that both people are doing the self-disclosure… I think it matters that they’re not about, like, politics … They’re about you.” — Mandy Len Catron (18:45)
  • Emotional safety and reciprocity are key.
• Human Universality:
  Catron: “We all want to be known… Let me be who I am and reveal that to you in a way that feels safe.” (22:25)
• Happy Endings:
  The experiment worked for Mandy and her partner, Mark: “We have three-year-old twins and we’re getting married in May.” (23:09)

6. Bringing Deep Questions into Everyday Life (24:20–27:32)

• Practical Strategies (Nick Epley):
  • Start with personal, positive, or meaningful questions to indicate interest—e.g., “Are you looking forward to your day today?” (25:06)
    • Nick shares a story: asking a stranger this leads to an intense, revealing exchange about her missing brother.
  • Show interest, not just curiosity; depth comes from genuine engagement.
  • “There’s not a magical list of questions… There are questions that have properties in them, properties that reflect interest…” — Nick Epley (26:45)
• Permission & Practice:
  • It won’t always “work” and that’s okay; it takes practice and courage to get comfortable with asking deeper questions.
  • “You don’t have to have bad conversations. You can have good ones. Right? So that’s what I choose to do, have good ones.” — Nick Epley (28:15)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Magic of Connection:
  “You could sort of feel the whole room just groan...but after 20 minutes, a couple of them are hugging each other. It was kind of magical.” – Nick Epley (03:19–04:06)

• On Parenting & Empathy:
  “We’d never really talked… That was kind of the first time I’d really gotten to know my dad.” – Nick Epley (07:44)

• On Why Deep Questions Work:
  “Deep questions are typically things that are about why, why you feel a certain way, why you do what you do. That’s a step deeper than what.” – Nick Epley (20:33)

• On the Universality of Wanting to Be Known:
  “We all want to be known…we want to be seen for who we really are.” – Mandy Len Catron (22:25)

• On Doing It in Real Life:
  “You have license in daily life to be interested in other people… I can make that moment great by trying to take an interest in that person.” – Nick Epley (25:06, 26:45)

• On Opportunity:
  “What I think happens when you become somebody who does this a lot is you become an expert at spotting opportunity...It’s just dumb to have bad conversations. You don’t have to do that.” – Nick Epley (28:15)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:31 – Nick Epley answers: “When’s the last time you cried in front of another person?”
• 02:24 – The “crying” question experiment at a finance conference.
• 06:52 – Nick’s personal story: DUIs and his parents’ different approach.
• 09:37 – Explanation of the “Fast Friends” 36-question experiment.
• 12:46 – Mandy Len Catron shares her viral first-hand experience.
• 17:04 – NYT article goes viral, 8 million readers.
• 18:45 – Escalating intimacy and mutual self-disclosure.
• 23:09 – Mandy reveals her relationship outcome: marriage and twins.
• 25:06 – Nick shares how to bring deep questions into everyday settings.
• 28:15 – The value of spotting conversational opportunities and practicing “good” conversation.

Practical Takeaways

• Start Small, Go Deep:
  Begin with light but meaningful questions, then build to deeper topics as trust grows.
• Signal Interest:
  Deep questions work when asked with genuine curiosity and intentionality—focus on “why” and on personal stories.
• Practice:
  It’s natural to feel awkward at first, but with repetition, honest, deeper conversations become easier.

Overall Tone

Warm, curious, encouraging, and pragmatic. Duhigg and guests blend scientific insights with vulnerable personal stories, making the case that everyone can become a “supercommunicator”—not just by knowing what to ask, but by caring about the answers.

Further Reading & Next Episode Preview

• Books Mentioned:

  • Mind Wise by Nick Epley
  • How to Fall in Love with Anyone by Mandy Len Catron
  • Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg

• Next Time:
  The science of nonverbal communication, featuring Dustin York and a look at the Big Bang Theory’s success.

Summary prepared based on the episode transcript and structured for maximum clarity and usability.