Small Town Murder – Killer Cookie Conspiracy: McHenry, Illinois

Podcast: Small Town Murder
Hosts: James Pietragallo & Jimmie Whisman
Episode: Killer Cookie Conspiracy - McHenry, Illinois
Date: September 11, 2025

Overview

In this gripping (and darkly comedic) episode, James and Jimmie dissect the jaw-dropping true crime story of Charles “Chuck” Albanese, an entitled trophy company exec in McHenry, Illinois, who plotted a bizarre—and ultimately deadly—scheme involving arsenic-laced cookies, donuts, and soup to wipe out his own family for financial gain. The hosts unpack the Albanese family’s dysfunction, highlight the odd small-town backdrop, and walk listeners through the investigation and trial with their signature irreverence, never making fun of the victims but always lampooning the killer’s hubris and stupidity.

Table of Contents

1. Setting the Scene: McHenry, Illinois (04:57–14:00)
2. Meet the Albanese Family: Dysfunction and Greed (22:22–41:00)
3. The Poisonings Begin: Suspicious Illnesses (51:09–66:31)
4. Clues, Exhumations & Forensic Revelations (66:32–79:17)
5. Killer Cookies: The Plot Exposed (75:01–106:13)
6. Coroners, Cop Interventions, and a Near Miss (90:00–113:16)
7. Trial, Witnesses, and the Spectacle (121:19–144:13)
8. Appeals, Sentencing, and Execution (144:13–172:00)
9. Notable Quotes & Moments
10. Timestamps for Key Segments

<a name="setting-the-scene"></a>

1. Setting the Scene: McHenry, Illinois (04:57–14:00)

• McHenry, IL: Small town, close-knit, described as having a “5 and dime” vibe with an outdoor theater and community festivals. Mix of proud local reviews and odd complaints (not enough entertainment, too far from the ocean).
• Crime & Demographics: Hosts poke fun at town reviews claiming high crime (“petty theft” and “don’t wander into the wrong neighborhoods”)—statistically, McHenry is far below national averages for both property and violent crime.

“The town will go downhill when they dig the pit. I don’t know what the pit is, but I’m terrified of it already.”
– James (10:37)

• McHenry Real Estate & Cost of Living: Median home is about $238K; quirky home listings and descriptions are lampooned.

<a name="albanese-family"></a>

2. Meet the Albanese Family: Dysfunction and Greed (22:22–41:00)

• Michael Joseph Albanese Sr.: Patriarch, self-made business owner (Allied Die & Casting, specializing in trophies), married to Clara.

• Chuck Albanese (Charles Michael): Spoiled, lazy, always wanting to be "a big shot," repeatedly described as an “ambitious young man who wanted to earn as much money doing as little work as possible” (25:14).

• Family structure: 2 sons (Chuck and Michael Jr.), Chuck has a string of failed marriages, children he soon abandons, and a history of criminal behavior.

• Chuck’s Early Crime: Attempted robbery (posing as detective, home invading a bus driver), five years' probation.

  “Chuck’s born on third and thought he hit a triple.”
  – James (25:30)

• Business & Lifestyle: Despite high earnings (equivalent to $340K–$430K in today’s money), Chuck complains he can’t support his “lifestyle”—fancy vacations, Cadillacs, lavish homes.

<a name="the-poisonings"></a>

3. The Poisonings Begin: Suspicious Illnesses (51:09–66:31)

• Targeting In-Laws: Chuck’s second marriage is to Virginia, whose elderly mother (Marion) and grandmother (Mary) become frequent houseguests.

• Sudden Illnesses: After eating family meals (Polish sausage and kraut), Mary and Marion develop severe vomiting and diarrhea (52:29).

• Pattern Emerges:

  • Mary (grandmother) dies within days; attributed to “cardiac arrest” (53:54).
  • Marion (mother-in-law) sickens seriously, then dies nearly two weeks later. Both deaths at first accepted as age/medical related.

• Money Trail: Exact amounts of inheritance funds quickly appear to cover Chuck’s child support arrears.

  “These people are dying just in time. Some people just have all the luck.”
  – James (69:32)

<a name="clues-exhumations"></a>

4. Clues, Exhumations & Forensic Revelations (66:32–79:17)

• Mounting Suspicion: Neighbors and other elderly residents push for investigation (water/food testing, environmental review).

• Exhumation results: Both Mary and Marion have 5–8x normal arsenic levels in their bodies; later Mary is discovered to have 370x normal amount (!), indicating repeated and/or massive intentional poisonings (67:11–101:24).

  • Hosts explain small amounts of arsenic are in many foods but not at this level.

• Killer’s Motive: Each death brings significant financial windfalls to Chuck and his wife, solving immediate and looming debts.

<a name="killer-cookies"></a>

5. Killer Cookies: The Plot Exposed (75:01–106:13)

• Family turns target: After being demoted at work, Chuck begins bringing his father and brother “homemade cookies and donuts,” after which both men experience violent illness and (for the brother) debilitating nerve damage.

• Arsenic-laced lunch: Michael Jr.'s lunches (often left unattended at work) repeatedly make him sick; he becomes nearly paralyzed, must use leg braces.

• Hospital Vigil: Chuck is described as always “hovering” at his father’s hospital bed (129:01).

  "He’s got to get up at 4am—'gotta make the donuts!'—for poisoning his family."
  – Jimmie (115:09)

• Clues left at scene: Cookie jar at Michael Sr.’s desk contains arsenic-laced crumbs and fingerprint evidence (though Sr. had never been fingerprinted in life).

  "Oh, there's no room for a cookie jar in my office!"
  – Chuck’s ridiculous excuse (102:23)

• Physical evidence: Chuck obtained arsenic (for “pest problems”) from a business contact; he even requests it in a baby food jar.

<a name="coroners-cop"></a>

6. Coroners, Cop Interventions, and a Near Miss (90:00–113:16)

• Breakthrough from… coroners: Two coroners (with outlandish names—Queerhammer & Babcocks) at a convention connect the suspicious deaths across two counties, spurring a larger investigation (91:33–94:06).

• Arrest narrowly prevents further death: Cops fear Chuck is about to kill his own mother on a family trip to Jamaica; they arrest him before he can leave (112:01).

  “Three Bs in Aruba Jammuh! We just gotta get him now!”
  – Jimmie (113:48)

<a name="trial"></a>

7. Trial, Witnesses and the Spectacle (121:19–144:13)

• Trial: Chuck maintains innocence, even attempting to hire a hitman from jail to kill his brother and the witness who gave him arsenic.

• Spectacle: High school and Girl Scouts attend the trial ("If there's a poison cookie case, the Girl Scouts are gonna be there." – James, 130:07).

• Defense: Chuck tries to implicate his paralyzed brother in the crimes, concocts elaborate (and unsupported) conspiracy theories.

• Outcome: Jury, at first not realizing they alone are responsible for sentencing, finds him guilty and sentences him to death.

  “Chuck still thinks he’s slicker than anybody… Slicker than cum on a gold tooth.”
  – James (134:17)

<a name="appeals-execution"></a>

8. Appeals, Sentencing, and Execution (144:13–172:00)

• Appeals: Chuck challenges the process at every step, claiming ineffective counsel and confusion over jury instructions.

• Execution: After 14 years on death row (death penalty reinstated in Illinois in 1977), Chuck receives last meal (Outback prime rib, Giordano’s garlic bread, Baskin Robbins ice cream, McDonald’s coffee).

• Last words: In a statement, Chuck maintains he’s an innocent man, blames everyone else, and concludes, “Truth, justice, and the judicial system is an oxymoron” (171:04).

• Family aftermath: His brother Michael Jr.—who only survived thanks to luck—goes on to inherit everything.

  “He thought he was gonna murder his whole family and get away with it.”
  – James (174:18)

<a name="notable-quotes"></a>

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the motives:
  “That business plan is the whole reason OnlyFans exists.”
  – Jimmie (26:44)

• On Chuck’s spending:
  “What is he spending this money on, outside of a monster coke habit?”
  – James (49:18)

• Poison-logic, explained:
  “Sodium cyanide, zinc cyanide, copper cyanide...it’s a poison buffet over here.”
  – Reichel & Hosts riffing (123:06)

• Regarding exhuming bodies:
  “Think about the poor bastard at the Graveyard who's just got a shovel ready all the time. He's like, back to this one.”
  – James (103:12)

• Killer’s hubris:
  “He showed no mercy to his victims and was a cold-blooded, calculated evil murderer...Sentence this evil man to death!”
  – Prosecutor (135:06)

• Jury confusion:
  “We didn’t know it was up to us to decide that. Whoops.”
  – Juror’s reaction to sudden realization they’re sentencing, not the judge (139:17)

<a name="timestamps"></a>

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Start | End | |--------------------------------------------|-----------|----------| | McHenry, IL backdrop & banter | 04:57 | 14:00 | | Albanese family history & Chuck’s crimes | 22:22 | 41:00 | | The murders begin (grandma & mother-in-law)| 51:09 | 66:31 | | Forensics, exhumations, arsenic discovery | 66:32 | 79:17 | | Killer cookies and attempted patricide | 75:01 | 106:13 | | Coroners connect case, police intervene | 90:00 | 113:16 | | Chuck’s arrest, trial, and media circus | 121:19 | 144:13 | | Appeals, sentencing, execution | 144:13 | 172:00 |

Summary & Tone

James and Jimmie balance gruesome real-life crime with sarcasm, dark humor, and thoughtfully pointed jokes about the stupidity of murderers—not the victims. The Albanese saga is presented as both a tragic family annihilation and a cautionary tale about greed, entitlement, and the stupidity of criminal plans. Not only does “Killer Cookie Conspiracy” unpack a relatively obscure arsenic serial killer, but it also skewers the weirdness of small-town America and the sometimes bumbling—but ultimately successful—investigative work of local officials.

For anyone drawn to true crime with comedy that punches up (at fools and villains) and not down (at victims), this is classic Small Town Murder—morbid, hilarious, and deeply researched.