121 - The Sort ‘Em Consortium (w/ Scotty Icenogle)

Summary

SmartLess Presents ClueLess: Episode 121 - The Sort ‘Em Consortium (w/ Scotty Eisenogle)
Release Date: January 23, 2025

In Episode 121 of SmartLess Presents ClueLess, hosted by Emmy-winning writer Elliott Kalan, listeners are treated to an engaging and intellectually stimulating session featuring returning contestant Scotty Eisenogle and beloved recurring guest Sean Hayes. The biweekly, bite-sized podcast offers a delightful mix of puzzles, brainteasers, and interactive games, all designed to challenge the audience's quick thinking against Sean Hayes' contestant prowess.

Welcome and Introduction

The episode kicks off with Elliott Kalan's signature humor, playfully referencing the outdated entertainment value of a mouse running up and down a clock:

Elliott Kalan [00:40]: "Can you believe that used to be considered entertainment? Just watching a mouse run up and down. Good thing we've got podcasts now."

Elliott introduces the show’s concept, emphasizing the playful competition between the listeners and Sean Hayes:

Elliott Kalan [00:58]: "Clueless. Welcome to SmartLess presents Clueless, the only game show podcast where you get to go head to head and toe to toe with Sean Hayes."

Revisiting the Cliffhanger Puzzle

The episode begins by addressing the unresolved puzzle from the previous installment, enticing both returning and new listeners:

Elliott Kalan [02:27]: "Now, this wouldn't be an episode of Clueless if we didn't reveal the answer to last episode's cliffhanger puzzle."

The puzzle in question asked: "Which of these does not belong and why? Tissue box, toilet paper, wombat poop, fuzzy dice, sugar lumps." Sean swiftly identifies the correct answer—toilet paper—explaining that it is the only item not cube-shaped:

Sean Hayes [03:07]: "It's toilet paper."

Elliott Kalan [03:14]: "All of those things, except the toilet paper are cube shaped. That includes wombat poop."

This revelation not only settles the previous episode's mystery but also transitions smoothly into the new challenges awaiting the contestants.

The Sortum Consortium: A Number-Based Challenge

Elliott introduces the main puzzle of the episode, aptly named "The Sortum Consortium", which revolves around assigning the numbers 0 through 5 to a series of questions. This segment tests the contestants' knowledge across various topics.

Gameplay Mechanics:

• Elliott Kalan [05:49]: "Put in order."
• Contestants must assign each number (0-5) to unique answers for each question, ensuring no number is reused.

Round Breakdown:

1. Number of Seasons of the Will and Grace Reunion

   • Sean [07:18]: "I think it's three."
   • Elliott [07:21]: "You got it. It was three."

2. Number of French Horns in "Twelve Days of Christmas"

   • Scotty [07:46]: "0."
   • Elliott [07:49]: "You are exactly right. It is zero."

3. Number of Stomachs a Dairy Cow Has

   • Sean [08:11]: "Two."
   • Elliott [08:15]: "The answer is 4. There are 4 stomachs."

4. Pounds of Grapes to Make One Bottle of Wine

   • Sean [08:38]: "Five."
   • Scotty [08:44]: "Two."
   • Elliott [08:45]: "It is two. That's right."

5. States in the United States with the Letter 'V' in Their Name

   • Scotty [08:55]: "Five."
   • Sean [09:03]: "Yeah, it's five."
   • Elliott [09:03]: "It is five."

6. Number of Hit Singles by Sir Mix-A-Lot

   • Sean [09:21]: "One."
   • Elliott [09:31]: Confirmed correct.

Performance: Sean and Scotty achieve an impressive 4 out of 6 correct answers, showcasing their diverse knowledge and teamwork:

Elliott Kalan [09:44]: "Very nice work on that game. 4 out of 6. Correct."

The Mega Clue: Guess the Famous Person

Transitioning to a more competitive segment, Elliott introduces the Mega Clue, where Sean and Scotty face off to identify a famous person based on a series of five clues. The contestant who guesses correctly with the fewest clues wins the prize—a single marble.

Clues and Guesses:

1. Clue 1: "I was one of People magazine's 50 most beautiful in 1996."

   • Sean [10:44]: "Is it Julia Roberts?"
   • Scotty [10:49]: "Charlize Theron."
   • Both incorrect.

2. Clue 2: "Me and my company have won 18 Emmy awards for outstanding work in television."

   • Sean [11:08]: "Tom Hanks."
   • Scotty [11:10]: "Tom Hanks."
   • Incorrect.

3. Clue 3: "I once dated Sir Anthony Hopkins, but 'Silence of the Lambs' creeped me out so much I had to break up."

   • Sean [11:35]: "Helen Mirren."
   • Scotty [11:30]: "Judi Dench."
   • Incorrect.

4. Clue 4: "I was the first United States self-made female billionaire."

   • Sean [11:52]: "Oprah Winfrey."
   • Scotty [12:00]: "Jessica Alba."
   • Incorrect.

5. Clue 5: "I'm a convicted felon."

   • Sean [12:20]: "Martha Stewart."
   • Scotty [12:25]: Acknowledges Sean's correct answer.

Outcome: Sean successfully identifies Martha Stewart with the final clue, securing the Mega Clue victory:

Sean Hayes [12:20]: "Martha Stewart."

The Cliffhanger Puzzle

As the episode wraps up, Elliott presents a tantalizing cliffhanger puzzle to keep the audience engaged until the next episode:

Elliott Kalan [13:05]: "What five-letter word is pronounced exactly the same way even if you take away four of its five letters?"

This puzzle invites listeners to ponder and return for the resolution, maintaining the podcast's interactive allure.

Closing Remarks

Elliott concludes the episode with gratitude towards Scotty and Sean, while also acknowledging the production team behind the scenes:

Elliott Kalan [13:39]: "I'd like to thank Scotty Eisenogle for being born. Great. I'd like to thank Sean Hayes for achieving greatness."

He encourages listeners to engage with the podcast by following, subscribing, and reviewing, ensuring continued support and interaction.

Notable Quotes and Timestamps

• Elliott Kalan [00:40]: "Can you believe that used to be considered entertainment? Just watching a mouse run up and down."

• Sean Hayes [03:07]: "It's toilet paper."

• Elliott Kalan [07:21]: "You got it. It was three."

• Scotty Eisenogle [07:46]: "0."

• Elliott Kalan [08:15]: "The answer is 4. There are 4 stomachs."

• Sean Hayes [09:03]: "Yeah, it's five."

• Elliott Kalan [12:28]: "Sean, Scotty, quick, let's get out of here."

Conclusion

Episode 121 of SmartLess Presents ClueLess masterfully blends humor, intellect, and camaraderie, offering listeners a captivating experience filled with challenging puzzles and entertaining banter. With returning favorites like Sean Hayes and Scotty Eisenogle, the episode not only reinforces the podcast's engaging format but also sets the stage for future episodes filled with more intriguing conundrums and delightful interactions.

Transcript

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[Listener]

Smart less medium.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Hickory dickory dock. A mouse ran up the clock. The clock struck one, the mouse ran down. Hickory dickory dock. Can you believe that used to be considered entertainment? Just watching a mouse run up and down. Good thing we've got podcasts now. This is Clueless.

[Listener]

Clueless.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Clueless. Welcome to Smartless presents Clueless, the only game show podcast where you get to go head to head and toe to toe with Sean Hayes. I'm your host, Elliot Kaelin. I'll be making sure that all of your and Sean's body parts between the head and the toes do not get too close to each other. And now, please welcome to the show one of my top five Sean's and one of my top three Hayes. Sean Hayes.

[Sean Hayes]

I mean, you get paid to write that. That's amazing.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's the greatest trick the devil ever.

[Sean Hayes]

P and it always works. I'm the easiest crowd, easiest audience ever. Today we have with us a very special guest. He's been on the program before and he's just a really special guy. I really, really like him. And he's back again. His name is Scotty Eisenogo. Scotty, hello.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Hi, everybody. It was very emotional introduction.

[Sean Hayes]

Thank you. I was on the verge, on the verge of tears.

[Elliot Kaelin]

He was either on the verge of tears or he just ran up a flight of stairs. I can't wait to find out which.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

It was hard to tell the difference.

[Sean Hayes]

No, I do this podcast from the stairs. Yeah.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Scotty, thanks so much for being here. Do you have any thoughts before we get into the game about your return to the world of Clueless?

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Well, I know it's been in high demand that I come back. All two comments that I've seen. So I'm thrilled to be here for.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Those two people you've Made two people or one person with two handles very happy today. Exactly. Now, this wouldn't be an episode of Clueless if we didn't reveal the answer to last episode's cliffhanger puzzle. You may remember the cliffhanger was an odd one out question that went thusly. Which of these does not belong and why? Tissue box, toilet paper, wombat poop, fuzzy dice, sugar lumps. Sean and Scotty, do you know the answer which does not belong? Once again, Tissue box, toilet paper, wombat poop, fuzzy dice, sugar lumps.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay, so give me just a second.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Listen, there's.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, I know what it is.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay.

[Sean Hayes]

It's toilet paper. It's toilet paper.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Toilet paper. You are correct. But do you know why?

[Sean Hayes]

Yes, I do. Oh, you want me to tell you?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. Wait, let me ask next. Okay, now that we've ascertained you know why, can you please explain?

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, sure, sure, sure. Everything's cubed.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You're exactly right. All of those things, except the toilet paper are cube shaped. That includes wombat poop. It is cube shaped, I assume for easier stackability. How I'm amazed, Sean, at your familiarity with the scatter.

[Sean Hayes]

I guessed that wombat poop was cube shaped, but I thought. But the other three were. And then your toilet paper wasn't. So it was just a little like press of elimination.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's the great thing about marriage, is you each have your specialties, you know?

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Yeah, yeah. I can. I can set a digital clock and Sean can tell the difference between wombat.

[Sean Hayes]

Poop and fuzzy dice.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Yeah, Fuzzy dice.

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[Listener]

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[Elliot Kaelin]

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[Listener]

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[Elliot Kaelin]

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[Listener]

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[Elliot Kaelin]

You will find them where you left them.

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[Elliot Kaelin]

Listeners, did you get the answer to the Cliffhanger puzzle? If you didn't, that's okay. It means you don't spend a lot of time around wombat poop, which has to be a good thing. And you're about to get another, hopefully less animal scat related chance at puzzle glory. In today's main puzzle, it's called the Sortum Consortium. Oh, well, it's the Sortum. Sortum. Sortum Consortium. Put in order.

[Listener]

Won't you take my 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.

[Sean Hayes]

Get along there.

[T-Mobile Representative]

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[Sean Hayes]

That's a good song.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

I could not help but also think of Marshall, Will, and Holly on a routine expedition with Land of the Lost. Land of the Lost. Give me a little Land of the Lost vibes. And I love it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

In most episodes of Clueless, I make you come up with all the answers, and that's gotta be exhausting, right?

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah.

[Elliot Kaelin]

So today I'm gonna cut you some slack by giving you the answers to all of the questions right away. And here are those answers. 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. You might want to write these down.

[Sean Hayes]

Yep, got it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay, I'm going to give you some facts, and you're going to have to work together to assign the correct one of those numbers to each of them. So each number will only be used once for each of these questions. So, for example, if I gave you the question regular hosts on Smart List, the number of regular hosts on smart lists, you would say three.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Three.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Exactly. You'd say three and then you'd cross out three. You wouldn't use it again. You're only using those numbers one time.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay, got it. Great.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Now, do you need me to remind you of the numbers between 0 and 5 again, or are you ready to play the game?

[Sean Hayes]

I am so sorry. Can you go start from the top again?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Oh, boy. You know, Scotty, why don't you fill him in? We'll keep moving.

[Listener]

Sorghum sordom.

[Elliot Kaelin]

We'll start with our first question. Can you tell me the number of seasons of the Will and Grace reunion? What number applies to that?

[Sean Hayes]

I think it's three. Yeah.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Three.

[Sean Hayes]

Three. Three.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You got it. It Was three. Great teamwork. Second question. The number of French horns in the song twelve Days of Christ.

[Sean Hayes]

We just did this. Remember? We did this.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Oh, my God. That's right.

[Sean Hayes]

Wait, wait, wait. Seven songs, six Easter lightning, five golden rings, four clan birds, three French hints, three French horns, three French hens. You said French horns.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I said French horns.

[T-Mobile Representative]

0.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

0.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You are exactly right. It is zero. Good job. I was worried you were gonna get tripped up on French horns and French hens. They're very different. Don't try to blow into a French hen. You're not gonna get a good sound out of that.

[Sean Hayes]

That's. And then I immediately started dating Scotty after that.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Hey, O.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Moving on as fast as we can to question number three. The number of stomachs that a dairy cow has. How many stomachs does a dairy cow have?

[Sean Hayes]

Well, I'm gonna say two, I think.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Two?

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Is that your final answer?

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Yes.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It shouldn't have been. The answer is not 2.

[Sean Hayes]

What is it?

[Scotty Eisenogle]

1.

[Elliot Kaelin]

No. The answer is 4. There are 4 stomachs.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, really?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Dairy cow. Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

Killed it. I killed it. Have four stomachs. One's for dessert, one's for the main course. Okay, go ahead.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Next question. Pounds of grapes it takes to make one bottle of wine. How many pounds of grapes does it take?

[Sean Hayes]

One bottle. Mm. I'm gonna say five.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

I have to say five.

[Elliot Kaelin]

No, I'm sorry. That is incorrect. If it's five, it's two.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Two.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I'll give you half points. It is two. That's right. You got on your second try. Next question. States in the United States that have the letter V in their name.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Vermont.

[Sean Hayes]

Virginia.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Vermont.

[Sean Hayes]

No, that begin with a V. Oh.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That just have the letter V in it.

[Sean Hayes]

Have the V. Oh, just let the V in it.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

It's five.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, it's five.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, you're right. It's five. And those states are Vermont, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Nevada.

[Sean Hayes]

Nevada.

[Elliot Kaelin]

And then Vest Virginia, which I put a V sound at the top, even though the V really comes in the middle. Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

Can I guess the answer to the last question even?

[Elliot Kaelin]

This would be an amazing show of confidence before the question is even asked to answer it, but I'll allow it. You're the star. I'll let you do it.

[Sean Hayes]

Two. I'm kidding. It's one.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It is. You're right. It is one. And now I'll tell you the question. The question was number of hit singles by Sir Mix A. And you correctly answered.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, baby got black.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Yeah.

[Listener]

0, 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Very nice work on that game. 4 out of 6. Correct. And I gave you a half point for your second choice on one of those incorrect ones.

[Sean Hayes]

Thank you.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Unfortunately, I am now tearing the team apart because it's time for today's mega clue.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Mega clue question.

[Elliot Kaelin]

And this one is competitive. That's right. Sean versus Scotty. For all the marbles. The prize is a marble.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

So for all the marble.

[Elliot Kaelin]

All the marble. It's all the marble. Yeah. Because this is less of a mega clue and more of a mini game. So we're gonna stick with the one to five theme. I'm gonna give you five clues about a famous person. I'm gonna give you those clues one at a time. Whoever can guess it with the least number of clues will win this mega clue. I'll only accept one guess per clue from each of you, so you can't just shout out names, each clue until you get to every single famous person in the world. Okay, clue number one. I was one of People magazine's 50 most beautiful in 1996. Who could I be?

[Sean Hayes]

Okay, Is it Julia Roberts?

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's not a bad guess, but it is a wrong guess.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay, fine.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Charlize Theron.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Oh, also incorrect. That would have been kind of early in Theron mania, but that's.

[Sean Hayes]

She was still around, you know, Theron mania.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Clue number two. It's the same person again. This is more information about them. Me and my company have won 18 Emmy awards for outstanding work in television. Who can I be?

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, that is a lot.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

I'm trying to think of producers.

[Sean Hayes]

Tom Hanks.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Tom Hanks. Yeah.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Ben Stiller. You're thinking correctly in that it's one of the most beautiful. So it's someone who is. I'll give you this half hint. It is an on camera person. Yeah. No, but it's not the right answer. No.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah. Okay.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay, let's move on to clue three. I once dated Sir Anthony Hopkins, but Silence of the Lambs creeped me out so much I had to break up.

[Sean Hayes]

With him because we know it's a female. Is it Helen Mirren?

[Elliot Kaelin]

No, it's not Helen Mirren. All right, but there's a. You know what? Honestly, there's a similar. Similar vibe in some ways.

[Sean Hayes]

Maybe it's Judi Dench. Clue 4.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Judi Dench.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Clue 4. I was the first United States self made female billionaire. Who could I be?

[Sean Hayes]

Oprah Winfrey.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

No, wait. Oh. Oh, my gosh. I think I know this.

[Sean Hayes]

Tell me what you're thinking.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Scotty, she was an actress.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, I got it.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

But I don't think she's an actress anymore.

[Sean Hayes]

You're thinking of Jessica Alba.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

I am, actually. That's exactly what I'm thinking of.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's amazing, the telepathy between you two. Okay, let's go to the fifth clue. I think this is going to give it to you. I think you'll get it.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Here we go.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I'm a convicted felon. Who could I be?

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, Martha Stewart.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, exactly. Sean wins the mega clue. It's Martha Stewart.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Wait, I didn't realize. Okay, I guess. Yeah. All right.

[Sean Hayes]

How about I got it on felon? That's sad. Yeah.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

How about she dated Anthony Hopkins?

[Sean Hayes]

How about that? Who knew that?

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Wow.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Listeners at home, did you do as well as Sean and Scotty? If so, then you have truly mastered the numbers 0 through 5, and you're ready to move on to the next set of numbers. But buckle up. Things start to get a little crazy once you get past nine. Wait, hold on. Wait. Sean, Scotty, wait. Did you hear that sound?

[Scotty Eisenogle]

No.

[Elliot Kaelin]

If I didn't know any better, I'd say we were being stalked by. By. By a cliffhanger puzzle.

[Sean Hayes]

Ba, ba ba, ba, ba ba.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Guys, thank goodness. It was just. It is just a cliffhanger puzzle. The cliffhanger puzzle is just a little extra riddle that you can see out of the corner of your eye, but when you turn to look at it, it's not there. Today's cliffhanger continues today's whole obsession with the number five. We're all about fives today. And it goes thusly. What five letter word is pronounced exactly the same way even if you take away four of its five letters? What five letter word is pronounced exactly the same way even if you take away four of its five letters? Sean, Scotty, that's the end of our show.

[Sean Hayes]

Aw.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Parting is such sweet sorrow. Yeah. Our clueless now comes to an end. But first, I'd like to thank our guest, Scotty Eisenogle for being born. Great. I'd like to thank Sean Hayes for achieving greatness. And I'd like to thank you, the audience, for having greatness thrust upon you. We're sorry about that. We'll ask next time. This has been Smartless presents Clueless. And I've been your host, Elliot Kaelin, telling you that if these shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended, that you have but slumbered here while this podcast did appear. Sean, Scotty, quick, let's get out of here. While the listener thinks they're sleeping.

[Listener]

Clueless, you have been listening to Smartless presents Clueless, A smartless Media production in association with Sirius xm. Your host is Elliot Kaelin, who also writes our scripts. Your constant contestant is Sean Hayes with those blue blue eyes. Your producer, editor and engineer is Devin Tory Bryant, who is me. I also write all the music and sound effects assistant engineer Kyle McGraw. Today's puzzles were written by Kevin Lehman. Talent producer is Anne Harris Associate producer Matty McCann. Social media producer Tommy Galgano. Executive producers are Elliot Kaelin, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminski. Remember to follow, subscribe, rate and review the show. It really helps. That's all for now. We will see you again for more.

[Scotty Eisenogle]

Smart Glass.

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[Listener]

USA.