124 - Bizarro TV Guide (w/ Carrie Aizley)

Summary

SmartLess Presents ClueLess: Episode 124 - Bizarro TV Guide (w/ Carrie Aizley)
Release Date: February 3, 2025
Host: Elliott Kalan
Guest: Sean Hayes
Returning Contestant: Carrie Aizley

---

Introduction and Welcome

The episode kicks off at [00:57] with host Elliott Kalan enthusiastically welcoming listeners to "SmartLess Presents ClueLess," a puzzle-centric podcast where Elliott guides listeners through various brainteasers with the help of Sean Hayes and returning contestant Carrie Aizley.

Elliott Kalan:
"Welcome to Smartless presents Clueless, the only puzzle podcast where Sean Hayes gets what he deserves. A good time." ([00:59])

Introduction of Sean Hayes and Carrie Aizley

Elliott introduces Sean Hayes as the man holding the Guinness World Record for the most consecutive hours as Sean Hayes, setting a humorous and light-hearted tone.

Elliott Kalan:
"Please join me in welcoming the man who set the Guinness world record for most consecutive hours being Sean Hayes." ([01:30])

Sean reciprocates the warm welcome, highlighting the camaraderie and playful banter that defines the podcast's dynamic.

Sean Hayes:
"Thank you for having me. This exciting, Elliot, of course." ([01:30])

Carrie Aizley is introduced with a comedic touch, boasting exaggerated credentials like being the "first person to land on Mars," to which she humorously responds with fatigue over her embellished work history.

Elliott Kalan:
"Our guest is our returning, let's say champion. Why not?" ([02:06])

Carrie Aizley:
"I'm tired of talking about it so." ([02:24])

Cliffhanger Puzzle Resolution

Elliott revisits the previous episode's cliffhanger puzzle, engaging Sean and Carrie in unraveling its solution. The puzzle involved deciphering the meaning behind "Mars taco," which ultimately leads to the revelation that it's a playful reference to a "barbell."

Elliott Kalan:
"I have many keys, but only one lock. You can enter but can't go outside. And I have space, but no Room. What am I?" ([12:39])

Through a collaborative brainstorming session, Sean and Carrie decode the riddle, emphasizing the interactive and engaging nature of the show.

Main Game: Bizarro TV Guide Sitcom Edition

The primary segment features the "Bizarro TV Guide Sitcom Edition," where Elliott presents eight bizarro versions of popular sitcom titles from an alternate universe.

Elliott Kalan:
"Here are gonna be eight titles from the sitcom section, each of which is the weird inverse of a sitcom title from our entirely rational, non bizarre universe that we live in." ([07:35])

The trio delves into each puzzle:

1. Nobody Hates Raymond

   • Sean Hayes:
     "Everybody Loves Raymond." ([08:58])

2. TV Olds

   • Sean Hayes:
     "Radio." ([09:10])

3. Nobody Loves Chris

   • Sean Hayes:
     "Everybody Hates Chris." ([09:24])

4. Old Fashioned, Non Relatives New

   • Sean Hayes:
     "Modern Family." ([09:41])

5. Confident

   • Sean Hayes:
     "Insecure." ([09:56])

6. Morning glare, Evening Shade

   • Sean Hayes:
     "Evening Shade." ([10:30])

7. Endangered by the silence

   • Sean Hayes:
     "Saved by the Bell." ([10:57])

Each correct guess is met with enthusiastic approval, showcasing the participants' quick thinking and deep knowledge of TV sitcoms.

Elliott Kalan:
"You're really good at this." ([09:43])
Sean Hayes:
"Saved by the bell. Nice." ([10:55])

Mega Clue Question

The final challenge is the "Mega Clue Question," a two-part puzzle that requires contestants to use the first letters of their previous answers to decipher the ultimate sitcom title from Bizarro Land.

Elliott Kalan:
"The final answer was friends. Like we all are, right?" ([12:06])
Sean Hayes:
"Friends." ([12:06])

Cliffhanger Puzzle Introduction

As the episode nears its end, Elliott introduces a new cliffhanger puzzle to keep listeners engaged and eager for the next episode.

Elliott Kalan:
"I have many keys, but only one lock. You can enter but can't go outside. And I have space, but no Room. What am I?" ([12:39])

Carrie is given 48 hours to solve the puzzle, encouraging continued listener participation and anticipation for future episodes.

Closing Remarks

Elliott wraps up the episode with gratitude towards the guests and participants, while Sean humorously remarks on his role in keeping the episode's standards balanced.

Elliott Kalan:
"I want to thank Carry for making this such a great episode. You guys played together so well." ([13:32])
Sean Hayes:
"That's what I'm here for." ([13:51])

The episode concludes with acknowledgments of the production team and a final tease of the next episode's content, leaving listeners excited for more puzzles and interactions.

Notable Quotes

• Elliott Kalan:
  "Good things come to those who wait. But better things come to those who hurry up and take the best stuff while those patient suckers are waiting." ([00:40])

• Sean Hayes:
  "Confidential. Insecure." ([09:56])

• Elliott Kalan:
  "Clueless isn't paying to air condition the whole neighborhood. We'll see you next time. Bye, Clueless." ([13:56])

Conclusion

Episode 124 of "SmartLess Presents ClueLess" successfully blends humor, interactive puzzles, and engaging discussions, making it a delightful listen for both regular fans and newcomers. The dynamic between Elliott, Sean, and Carrie adds a layer of charm, ensuring that listeners are not only challenged intellectually but also entertained throughout the 15-minute runtime.

Whether you're a puzzle enthusiast or simply enjoy witty banter, this episode's "Bizarro TV Guide Sitcom Edition" offers a perfect blend of both, encouraging active participation and leaving you eagerly anticipating the next challenge.

Transcript

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[Elliot Kaelin]

Good things come to those who wait. But better things come to those who hurry up and take the best stuff while those patient suckers are waiting. This is Clueless. Clueless. Clueless.

[Sean Hayes]

It's Clueless.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Welcome to Smartless presents. Clueless, the only puzzle podcast where Sean Hayes gets what he deserves. A good time. I'm your host, Elliot Palin. And you can remember that with the Handy mnemonic device E mc2, Elliot equals the master of ceremonies today. You'll never forget it. Now you'll never forget.

[Sean Hayes]

You're good. That is really good, actually.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Thank you. Thank you. Now, please join me in welcoming the man who set the Guinness world record for most consecutive hours being Sean Hayes. Sean Hayes. Sean, thank you for being here.

[Sean Hayes]

Thank you for having me. This exciting, Elliot, of course.

[Elliot Kaelin]

There is no one I'd rather have on this show than you. The star of the show, the person who makes it what it is. By which I mean a podcast where Sean Hayes answers puzzles. But it's not just enough to have one Sean Hayes. I mean, it is, honestly, but it's really not. So, Sean, who do you have joining you today?

[Sean Hayes]

Well, Elliot, I feel like I've introduced her many times. Do you want to take a stab at it now that you know her?

[Keri Aisley]

He's tired of it. Sean's tired of it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Now that we're close, I will. Our guest is our returning, let's say champion. Why not?

[Sean Hayes]

Wow. Yeah. Look at him.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Keri Aisley. Carrie, thank you so much for joining us. I want to puff up your work history and titles. First person to land on Mars.

[Keri Aisley]

True. That is true.

[Sean Hayes]

Wow. It's nice to meet you.

[Keri Aisley]

I know I don't talk about that a lot, but.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You're tired of talking about it.

[Keri Aisley]

I'm tired of Talking about it so.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Much when you first came back from the red planet.

[Keri Aisley]

Yep.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I'd like a word with our listeners because we've got some unfinished business with those listeners. A little thing called last episode's Cliffhanger Puzzle. Oh, what's that? Audience at home. You thought I'd forget? You thought I'd forget about the cliffhanger? Well, Elliot never forgets. You may remember that last episode's cliffhanger puzzle was a riddle that went thusly. Speaking of Mars, my overly specific friend insists the Mars taco he just bought will help him get stronger. I keep asking him what he's talking about, but he just keeps saying Mars taco knowingly and flexing his guns at me. What's another word for a Mars taco that's less inappropriately specific? Sean. Carrie, what does my friend mean by Mars taco?

[Keri Aisley]

A Mars taco.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Something that's gonna help him bulk up, gain muscle. He's referring to it as a Mars taco. What are those words? What could they be associated with that.

[Sean Hayes]

He could actually be talking about, like, planet or Mars?

[Keri Aisley]

I wonder if Mars is like, an acronym.

[Sean Hayes]

Yes. Or that it's like the Mars bar. Cause that's protein.

[Keri Aisley]

Chocolate. But then it's like a chocolate taco.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, like a chocolate tac.

[Keri Aisley]

Not gonna help him get strong, Sean.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, that's not a bad road to go down, though. The idea of bar. The idea of Mars. Mars bar.

[Sean Hayes]

Mars bar.

[Keri Aisley]

Mars bar.

[Elliot Kaelin]

But that's just half of it. That's just the Mars part. There's also the taco part.

[Keri Aisley]

Mars bar.

[Sean Hayes]

Taco, Mar. Taco. Marco Barco. Bar, Polo.

[Keri Aisley]

Mars Taco.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Almost like an analogy. Mars is to bar as taco is Dew is tacos.

[Sean Hayes]

Or to Taco Tuesday.

[Keri Aisley]

Taco Bell. Barbell.

[Sean Hayes]

Barbell. Barbell.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Barbell. You got it. Barbell. That's exactly right. The answer is Mars is a type of bar. Taco is a type of bell. I guess a Mars taco. An inappropriately specific or confusing name for a barbell, which will indeed help you get stronger, but it won't make you help you make any friends because literally no one will know what you're talking about. Mars taco.

[Sean Hayes]

Carrie, does all that make sense to you?

[Keri Aisley]

Well, it did when I.

[Sean Hayes]

That's wonderful.

[Keri Aisley]

Thank you.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I love to hear the excitement of realizing that you have the answer when suddenly everyone gets louder and faster.

[Sean Hayes]

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[Elliot Kaelin]

Listeners at home did you get the answer? If you did then either you are way smarter than I am cause I had trouble with this one or you just eat way more junk food. Either way I envy You. But let's see how well you do on today's main game. It's Bizarro TV Guide Sitcom Edition. Bizarro.

[Devin Tory Bryant]

Bizarro TV Gu.

[Sean Hayes]

My God, is it me or are they getting longer? We need to do a podcast of just Devin songs.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Just the Stings. Yeah, just Devin Stings for the games.

[Sean Hayes]

But now I want nachos. Okay, go ahead.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay. Bizarro TV Guide sitcompetition. Don't ask how, but we got our hands on a TV Guide from Bizarroland, the world that is the exact opposite of our world in every way. Here are gonna be eight titles from the sitcom section, each of which is the weird inverse of a sitcom title from our entirely rational, non bizarre universe that we live in. Questionable. That's a questionable assertion. That we live in a non bizarre, rational universe. We'll just set that aside for the moment.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, we don't have to talk about that.

[Elliot Kaelin]

So, for example, in Bizarro land, one of their most acclaimed sitcoms was called Jeers with a J. What show might that be in our world?

[Keri Aisley]

Cheers.

[Sean Hayes]

Cheers.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, Cheers. The show that made beer a household name. It was very obscure before that show. So I'm going to give you seven Bizarro show titles and you'll figure out each show's real world counterpart. Okay, Sean and Carrie, are you ready to show your parallel universe pop culture prowess?

[Keri Aisley]

So ready?

[Devin Tory Bryant]

Bizarro.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Let's start with number one. The first bizarro sitcom entry is Nobody Hates Raymond.

[Sean Hayes]

Everybody Loves Raymond.

[Keri Aisley]

Everybody Loves Raymond.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You got it. That was a good one.

[Sean Hayes]

TV guy.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Number two. Olds. Tv Olds.

[Keri Aisley]

Tv Olds.

[Elliot Kaelin]

News. TV news.

[Keri Aisley]

TV news.

[Sean Hayes]

Radio.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. Great teamwork. Carrie provided the news and Sean provided the radio, but said it really loud also.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Question number three. Kind of similar to question number one. Nobody Loves Chris.

[Sean Hayes]

Everybody Hates Chris.

[Keri Aisley]

Everybody Hates Chris.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You gotta feel bad for Chris.

[Keri Aisley]

Is that a show?

[Elliot Kaelin]

It is.

[Sean Hayes]

That is a show. Yeah. Chris Rock produced it.

[Keri Aisley]

All right, Bizarro.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Question number four. This TV show on Bizarro World, it is Old Fashioned, Non Relatives New.

[Sean Hayes]

A Modern Family.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes.

[Sean Hayes]

Wow.

[Keri Aisley]

Sean's really good at this.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, you just say the opposite of what he says.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's all opposites. Now question number five. Confident.

[Keri Aisley]

Weak. Insecure.

[Sean Hayes]

Insecure, yes.

[Keri Aisley]

Is that a show?

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, with Issa Rae. Issa. Issa. Issa.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Issa Rae. I think so.

[Sean Hayes]

Issa.

[Keri Aisley]

Issa Rae.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Carrie, you've got to watch more television. But everyone should watch more television. It's the thing that makes life worth living.

[Sean Hayes]

It's the newest thing, is it's the newest.

[Elliot Kaelin]

What's it called?

[Keri Aisley]

Television.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Television. It's the craze that's sweeping the nation.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, it's huge. You thought radio was shocking.

[Keri Aisley]

All right, I'll have to get one.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah. Yes. Question number six. Morning glare, Evening Shade.

[Sean Hayes]

Nice.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You got it.

[Sean Hayes]

Do you see how it is, Carrie?

[Elliot Kaelin]

You bought a TV between question number five and question number six, I bought.

[Keri Aisley]

One and quickly ran through all the shows that have ever been on.

[Sean Hayes]

That's amazing.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Thanks. It's so efficient. Question number seven. Endangered by the silence.

[Keri Aisley]

Safe. Noise.

[Sean Hayes]

No, but endangered. Safe by the silence.

[Keri Aisley]

Safety. Loud. Safe.

[Sean Hayes]

Wait. Endangered by the silence.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Endangered by the silence.

[Keri Aisley]

Safe by the noise.

[Sean Hayes]

Saved by the bell.

[Keri Aisley]

Safe by the bell.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. Saved by the bell. Nice. I was on the cusp of giving you a hint that you were right with saved, but you didn't even need it. You didn't need it. You had it there.

[Keri Aisley]

I think we got that one at the same time, didn't we, Sean?

[Sean Hayes]

Sure, if that'll make you sleep.

[Keri Aisley]

All right, you won. You got it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You got it. We're gonna stay in bizarre land for one last question. But it's. You know what it is the special kind of question, the mega clue. Mega clue question. Yes, that's right. It's like a regular clue, but it's mega. This is a bizarro sitcom two parter. First, you're gonna take the first letter of each of your answers.

[Sean Hayes]

The first letter. Okay? Yeah, yeah. Remind us.

[Elliot Kaelin]

They were Everybody Loves Raymond Newsradio, Everybody Hates Chris, Modern Family, Insecure, Evening Shade, and Saved by the Bell. Do you have those enemies?

[Keri Aisley]

Enemies?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. And now that is the final title.

[Keri Aisley]

Friends.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Oh, you got me. You didn't even let me finish the instructions. That's how good you are, Harry.

[Sean Hayes]

So fast. Sorry, sorry.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's right. The final answer was friends. Like we all are, right? Yes.

[Sean Hayes]

By the way, you're late on Rent.

[Elliot Kaelin]

We'll have to talk about it after. After the episode. Listeners at home, did you do as well as Sean and Carrie if you didn't, that's okay. You would not want to use up all of your saved up karma on a puzzle podcast. Or perhaps you would. Could I interest everyone in a cliffhanger puzzle?

[Sean Hayes]

Yes, please.

[Keri Aisley]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

Boom.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The cliffhanger puzzle is a little extra riddle that we accidentally leave at your house to give us an excuse to come back later. And this episode is a classic style riddle that goes, I have many keys, but only one lock. You can enter but can't go outside. And I have space, but no Room. What am I. I know what it is.

[Keri Aisley]

Wait a minute. I have many keys, but only one lock.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yep.

[Keri Aisley]

I have lots of space, but no room.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You can enter but can't go outside. And I have space, but no room. What am I? Sean, I know you are. You are so excited to say if we're gonna make the audience wait, we're gonna wait. Gotta wait till the next episode. I don't know it, but that's the thing. Carrie. You can pretend.

[Sean Hayes]

Carrie, you have 48 hours to come up with it.

[Keri Aisley]

Okay.

[Sean Hayes]

For the next episode.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. You've got all that time. For real? Because we don't record these one after another. No, no, no. We do it in real time.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah. Why would we? That would be too efficient. Yeah.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah. You know, part of me wishes this episode of Clueless could go on forever, but most of me wants it to end right now. So before we go, I want to thank Cara for making this such a great episode. You guys played together so well. I love to see it. And I want to thank Sean for making sure this episode wasn't too great. We don't want to set the standard too high.

[Sean Hayes]

Very good. Very good. That's what I'm here for.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. Thank you. You're doing a great job at not doing it too great.

[Sean Hayes]

Thank you.

[Elliot Kaelin]

This has been Smartless presents Clueless. And I've been your host, Elliot Kaelin, reminding you to close that back door. Clueless isn't paying to air condition the whole neighborhood. We'll see you next time. Bye, Clueless.

[Devin Tory Bryant]

You have been listening to Smartless presents Clueless, a Smartless Media production in association with Sirius xm. Your host is Elliot Kaelin, who also writes our scripts. Your constant contestant is Sean Hayes, who does like candy. Your producer, editor and engineer is Devin Tory Bryant, who is me. I also write all the music and sound effects assistant engineer, Kyle McGraw. Today's puzzles were written by Kevin Lehman and myself. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer, Matty McCann. Social media producer, Tommy Galgano. Executive producers are Elliot Kaelin, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminski. Remember to follow, subscribe, rate and review the show. It really helps. That's all for now. We will see you again for more Clueless.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Groupmas.

[Sean Hayes]

Smart.

[Devin Tory Bryant]

Bless me.

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