132 - Don’t Be A Ditloid (w/ Scotty Icenogle)

Summary

SmartLess Presents ClueLess
Episode 132: “Don’t Be A Ditloid” (w/ Scotty Eisenach)
Release Date: March 3, 2025

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Introduction

In Episode 132 of SmartLess Presents ClueLess, host Elliott Kalan welcomes returning contestant Sean Hayes and special guest Scotty Eisenach, Sean’s husband. The episode kicks off with Elliott’s signature humor, setting a playful and engaging tone for the show.

Elliott Kalan [01:04]: "Welcome to SmartLess Presents. Clueless, the puzzle podcast. That's only as long as it takes you to boil an egg. Unless it's an ostrich egg. Those things are enormous."

Cliffhanger Puzzle: Hurricane Names

The episode begins with a recap of the previous cliffhanger puzzle surrounding the naming conventions of hurricanes. Elliott presents the puzzle, challenging Scotty to recall why certain letters are omitted from the hurricane naming list.

Elliott Kalan [02:08]: "...alphabetically successive names. First my name will start with an A, then a B, then a C. And so on. But I always skip Q, U, X, Y and Z. If one of my names gets retired, that's how you'll know I was truly dangerous. What am I?"

Scotty Eisenach adeptly solves the puzzle, identifying it as a reference to hurricane naming practices.

Scotty Eisenach [02:36]: "How do you know it's a hurricane? I came in blazing, just so you know."

Elliott Kalan [03:14]: “Every year, hurricanes are labeled with alphabetical names throughout the year...if one of the names is particularly deadly, like Hurricane Andrew or Hurricane Katrina, they take it out of the rotation forever.”

Main Game: Ditloids

The centerpiece of the episode revolves around ditloids, a word puzzle format involving numbers and abbreviations. Elliott explains the rules and launches into the game with Sean and Scotty.

Elliott Kalan [06:21]: "Quixies. We're about to play today's main puzzle. And there's only one real rule of this puzzle. Don't be a ditloid."

Round of Ditloids

1. G, a T3B

   • Scotty Eisenach [07:58]: "Goldilocks and the three bears."
   • Elliott Kalan [08:00]: "Exactly. You got it, Scotty."

2. 1p. 2p.

   • Sean Hayes [08:17]: "One potato. Two potato."
   • Elliott Kalan [08:19]: "Yes, you got that right."

3. A, b. And the 40t.

   • Scotty Eisenach [08:38]: "40 temples. No. What is it?"
   • Elliott Kalan [08:43]: "Ali Baba and the 40 thieves."
   • Scotty Eisenach [09:00]: "Thank you."

4. 1, 2 BMS.

   • Sean Hayes [09:08]: "1, 2, buckle my shoe."
   • Elliott Kalan [09:11]: "You got it."

5. 3, 4, open the door. K, A, T, D.

   • Scotty Eisenach [09:26]: "Knock at the door."
   • Elliott Kalan [09:28]: "Three thousand four, knock at the door. Very good."

6. 3 lp.

   • Scotty Eisenach [09:53]: "Three Little Pigs."
   • Elliott Kalan [09:55]: "Yes."

7. s w, a, t, 7d.

   • Scotty Eisenach [10:16]: "Snow White."
   • Sean Hayes [10:16]: "Snow White. And the seven doors."

8. 1, F, 2 F. R, F, B, F.

   • Scotty Eisenach [10:38]: "Fish, blue fish, red fish, red fish, blue fish."
   • Elliott Kalan [10:44]: "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish."

Elliott Kalan [10:50]: "You guys did fantastic. Nine and a half points out of ten."

Mega Clue: Advanced Ditloid

The game intensifies with the introduction of the Mega Clue, an expert-level ditloid designed to challenge even the sharpest minds.

Elliott Kalan [11:13]: "This ditloid contains no numbers, but it's a lot of letters. It abbreviates the entire opening line of a famous nursery rhyme."

The puzzle presented is: T, T L S H I W W Y A.

Scotty Eisenach [12:10]: "Twinkle twinkle little star How I wonder where you are."

Elliott humorously acknowledges the classic nature of the puzzle while prompting listeners to ponder the answer.

Elliott Kalan [12:15]: "Yeah, you got it. One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish."

Cliffhanger Puzzle for Next Episode

As the episode winds down, Elliott introduces the cliffhanger puzzle for the next installment, maintaining suspense and encouraging listeners to return.

Elliott Kalan [13:53]: "What is the largest number between 1 and 1 million that, when written out, does not contain an N?"

Closing Remarks

Elliott wraps up the episode with lighthearted banter and acknowledgments, thanking Scotty for his participation and Sean for his competitive spirit. The closing also teases the continuation of their playful dynamic in future episodes.

Elliott Kalan [14:55]: "Let’s shake on it."

Notable Quotes

• Elliott Kalan [00:31]: "If you ever find yourself in the path of a charging rhinoceros, run up to that rhinoceros and give it a big hug. I didn't say it was good advice. This is clueless."

• Scotty Eisenach [03:35]: "Thank you. I was warmed up. I was ready."

• Sean Hayes [10:06]: "Three blind mice."

Conclusion

Episode 132 of SmartLess Presents ClueLess offers a delightful blend of humor, challenging puzzles, and engaging interactions between Elliott, Sean, and Scotty. Whether you’re a seasoned listener or a newcomer, this episode’s focus on ditloids and the lively competition make it a standout installment in the series.

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About the Podcast:
SmartLess Presents ClueLess is a biweekly, bite-sized podcast where Emmy-winning writer Elliott Kalan guides listeners through various puzzles, brainteasers, and conundrums. Hosted by Elliott Kalan, with regular contestant Sean Hayes, and special guests like Scotty Eisenach, the show blends humor with mental challenges, making it both entertaining and intellectually stimulating.

Stay Connected:
Follow SmartLess Presents ClueLess on your favorite podcast platform. Don’t forget to subscribe, rate, and review to stay updated on the latest episodes and participate in the puzzle fun!

Transcript

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[Elliot Kaelin]

Start blast me. Before we start today's show, I wanted to give you one piece of advice. If you ever find yourself in the path of a charging rhinoceros, run up to that rhinoceros and give it a big hug. I didn't say it was good advice. This is clueless.

[Sean Hayes]

Clueless. Clueless. Clueless. I'm clueless.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Welcome to Smartless Presents. Clueless, the puzzle podcast. That's only as long as it takes you to boil an egg. Unless it's an ostrich egg. Those things are enormous. I'm your host, Ellie Kaelin. Can I say the weather's so nice, let's have the show outside today. But first. But first, please welcome one of the most beloved celebrities in the Hayes family, Sean Hayes.

[Sean Hayes]

Isn't that the truth? Isn't that the truth? It starts there.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Certainly one of them.

[Sean Hayes]

I'm so excited to get to the cliffhanger clue. I almost forgot to introduce our guest, which is my husband, Scotty Eisenach. Scotty, how are you? Scotty's got a USO T shirt on today. Tell us about that.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Wow.

[Scotty Eisenach]

The hard hitting questions. Thank you.

[Sean Hayes]

You also have a smartless hat on, which is nice.

[Scotty Eisenach]

That's true. Yes. Hello, Elliot. Hello, Sean.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Hello, Scott.

[Scotty Eisenach]

Great to see you.

[Sean Hayes]

Wonderful, wonderful.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Thank you so much for joining us. And now usually I would have some kind of clever, silly way to get into the cliffhanger puzzle reveal. I'd have some little joke. But at the end of our last episode, Scotty, you are so eager to jump on it.

[Sean Hayes]

I know. I can't wait to hear, like, the thinking behind it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

So I don't want to hold you back. I will repeat what the cliffhanger puzzle was. But then, Scotty, I want you to come roaring through and just give us the answer. Every year I keep arriving with alphabetically successive names. First my name will start with an A, then a B, then a C. And so On. But I always skip Q, U, X, Y and Z. If one of my names gets retired, that's how you'll know I was truly dangerous. What am I?

[Sean Hayes]

Sky Hurricane.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You are. Exactly.

[Sean Hayes]

How do you know that hurricane?

[Scotty Eisenach]

How do you know it's a hurricane? I came in blazing, just so you know.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You did? I loved it. I loved it. Yeah.

[Scotty Eisenach]

Now I'm hoarse. I just. For weird reasons. I just remember that little factoid from.

[Sean Hayes]

The news that you can't name a hurricane with qu, X, Y and Z.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Every year, hurricanes are labeled with alphabetical names throughout the year, starting with Andrea, Barry, Chantal. That was the 20, 25 ones. They skipped qu, X, Y and Z, I think, because it's just hard to find names for a lot of people.

[Sean Hayes]

Well, you got Zack, you got Quincy. You got Quincy. You have Xena, the Warrior Princess. Roberto. Yeah. You have Y. You could do Yolanda.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's true. So I don't know the reason, but those names, these names are reused every six years. But if one of the names is particularly deadly, like Hurricane Andrew or Hurricane Katrina, they take it out of the rotation forever. I assume it goes into the Hurricane hall of Fame. But they don't want to bring that name back. But, Scotty, that was great. You got that so fast.

[Scotty Eisenach]

Thank you. Thank you. I was warmed up. I was ready.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, I get it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

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[Elliot Kaelin]

So good.

[Sean Hayes]

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[Elliot Kaelin]

I got it. No, I got it.

[Devin Tory Bryant]

Seriously.

[Elliot Kaelin]

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[Scotty Eisenach]

Don't be silly.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You don't be silly.

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[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay. Rock, paper, scissors for it.

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[Elliot Kaelin]

Listeners at home, did you know the answer? If not, I assume it's just because your name is made of all the letters they don't use for hurricanes. But stay tuned, Quxies, because you've got another chance to present a puzzle for Pet City. That's the name it's got.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, I got it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Quixies. We're about to play today's main puzzle. And there's only one real rule of this puzzle. Don't be a ditloid.

[Sean Hayes]

So be a ditloid.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, the hardcore stylings of Ditloid.

[Sean Hayes]

I love that. For any musical nerds out there, that was a I chord, I chord, IV chord, IV chord, V chord, V7, I.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The more you know what I like is. Sean, it's like you invented a cliffhanger puzzle and then solved it.

[Sean Hayes]

Don't be a ditloid. That's a good song.

[Elliot Kaelin]

All right, what's a ditloid? Well, ditloids are mini word puzzles made up of numbers and abbreviations. So, for example, if the category of this game was common expressions, and I gave you the ditloid K2B W1s, what would the answer be. This is just an example. What would the answer be for K2B, W1S. That's B as in boy, kill to be with.

[Scotty Eisenach]

Kill to be with you.

[Sean Hayes]

No, no. Kill. Kill two birds with one stone.

[Scotty Eisenach]

Kill two birds with one stone.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, exactly. Kill two birds with one stone. That's right. Today's ditloids, they all relate to children's stories and nursery rhymes.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, this'll be good.

[Elliot Kaelin]

So I hope you're in touch with your inner child or at the very least, your outer adolescent. Somebody still remembers that time, you know.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Sean, Scotty, are you ready to play the game?

[Sean Hayes]

Yes. I love this game.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Your first ditloid is G, a T3B. And think children's stories and nursery rhymes.

[Scotty Eisenach]

Oh, I got it.

[Sean Hayes]

What is it?

[Scotty Eisenach]

Goldilocks and the three bears.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Exactly. You got it, Scotty. Goldilocks and the three bears.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, nice.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Moving on to ditloid number two, 1p. 2p.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, sure. That's one potato. Two potato.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, you got that right. One potato. Two potato.

[Production Team]

One, two diva.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Moving on to ditlaid number three, a, b. And the 40t.

[Sean Hayes]

Well, that's. And the 40. Yeah, that's like Alibaba or something like that. In the 40. Something. Yeah. Is that right? Alibaba in the 40.

[Scotty Eisenach]

40 temples. No. What is it?

[Sean Hayes]

I don't know what the T is, though.

[Elliot Kaelin]

What did Ali Baba deal with 40 of?

[Sean Hayes]

I don't know who he was or what he did. Ali baba and the 40 tigers. I don't know.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I mean, that's great. Sounds like a great story. Ali baba and the 40 tigers. What's a word for someone who steals something?

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, thieves. Thieves.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Ali Baba. Ali baba and the 40 thieves. I'm giving you half credit for that one.

[Scotty Eisenach]

Thank you.

[Sean Hayes]

Yes, thanks.

[Scotty Eisenach]

0.5.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Ditloid number 4, 1, 2 BMS.

[Sean Hayes]

1, 2, buckle my shoe.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You got it. Next one. Ditloid number 5, 3, 4, open the door. K, A, T, D. Oh, wait. K, A, T, D. K, a, t.

[Sean Hayes]

D. Three, four cans at the door.

[Scotty Eisenach]

Knock at the door.

[Sean Hayes]

Three, four, knock at the door.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Three thousand four, knock at the door. Very good. Next. Five, six.

[Sean Hayes]

Pick up six o, u, s. Elliot's an asshole. Go ahead if the next clue is 7, 8.

[Elliot Kaelin]

No, no, don't worry. We won't do that to you. Seven, eight. This is five Golden Rings scenario.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah. Right.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The next one, three lp.

[Scotty Eisenach]

Three Little Pigs.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. Next three BM well, that sounds like.

[Sean Hayes]

Something I did this morning. Uh. Oh. Three blind mice.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah. Yes. Three blind mice. The next one s w, a, t, 7d.

[Scotty Eisenach]

Snow White.

[Sean Hayes]

Snow White. And the seven doors.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Photo finish. Photo fish. And finish on that one. And finally, our last question of this game. 1, F, 2 F. R, F, B, F. That's F as in fuck.

[Sean Hayes]

Wait, wait, wait.

[Elliot Kaelin]

1F, 1F, 1F, 2F.

[Sean Hayes]

I know what it is.

[Elliot Kaelin]

R, F, B, F. One fish, two.

[Sean Hayes]

Fish, blue fish, red fish, red fish, blue fish. Whatever it is.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, you got it. You know, redfish, blue fish. Yeah, you got it. One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. Both a classic Dr. Seuss book and also what's on the menu today at my seafood restaurant. Great work on those. You guys did fantastic. Nine and a half points out of ten. But wait, hold on. I see something spouting over yonder horizon. Get your harpoons ready, men. It be the Mega Clue.

[Sean Hayes]

Yes.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Mega Clue question.

[Sean Hayes]

Yes. Ahoy, matey.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Ahoy. Well, today's Mega Clue. Now it's gonna be hard for me not to talk that way for the rest of the episode. Today's Mega clue, be an expert level ditloid. Okay? So you might want to get a pad and pencil ready.

[Sean Hayes]

Yes. Yes.

[Elliot Kaelin]

This ditloid contains no numbers, but it's a lot of letters. It abbreviates the entire opening line of a famous nursery rhyme.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay.

[Elliot Kaelin]

And the nursery rhyme begins with its title. Okay, and here we go. T, T L S H I W W Y A. Okay, again, for the audience at home, that's T, T L S H I W W Y A. And this is the beginning of a classic nursery rhyme.

[Scotty Eisenach]

Wow.

[Sean Hayes]

Lsh. Twinkle, twinkle little star How I wonder where you are, how you are.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. Twinkle twinkle little star How I wonder what you are what Y. I don't want to spoil the rest of that one for the audience, but rest assured, the answer to the mystery may surprise you.

[Sean Hayes]

My clueless bonus question is for Elliot. Who wrote that song? Da da dee da dee da dee da dee da dee da dee da.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I'm going to say T. Swift close.

[Sean Hayes]

Mozart.

[Scotty Eisenach]

Mozart.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Oh, I see. I didn't know that. I'm learning things on Clueless today.

[Sean Hayes]

How about that?

[Elliot Kaelin]

I had no idea that his. Mozart. He must be rich. He got it.

[Sean Hayes]

You can't even talk to him. He will not take my emails. He will not take my phone calls. He's out. I'm not.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's terrible. That's terrible. Oh, wow.

[Scotty Eisenach]

He's resting.

[Sean Hayes]

He's resting.

[Elliot Kaelin]

He's resting. You guys did fantastic on that game. Listeners at home, did you do as well as Sean and Scotty? If so, Then you should do what I do. I'm moving to an all ditloid vocabulary. I only talk in ditloids in my private life. It's made things so much easier. Nobody understands what I'm saying, so they don't ask me to do anything for them. But before I return to my new gibberish lifestyle, first let me tell you today's cliffhanger puzzle. And I'm going to tell you in full words, not just, you know, deadlights. The cliffhanger puzzle is like a pea underneath a big pile of mattresses. It's little, but it won't let you sleep. Today's cliffhanger is a math question, and this cliffhanger goes thusly. What is the largest number between 1 and 1 million that, when written out, does not contain an N? As in, you know, I know this.

[Sean Hayes]

I know this.

[Elliot Kaelin]

This is such a flip from last episode when. When Scotty was like, I'm all over this. I know it instantly. Okay, well, Sean, don't. Don't tell us. Don't tell us. We've got a whole.

[Sean Hayes]

We got a hold.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Next episode.

[Sean Hayes]

All right, good. I think I got it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay, excellent. This is. I'm excited. I'm excited to find out either what it is or what you think it is. I'll be. I'll enjoy it either way. Yeah, unfortunately, that's gonna have to wait till our next episode. This is the moment when a new episode of Clueless becomes an old episode of Clueless, just part of the beautiful podcasting cycle of life. But before today's show shuffles off this mortal coil and into the deleted already listened to section of your podcasting app, I wanted to say a big thank you to Scotty Eisenhovel for being the perfect partner in crime. I wanted to thank Sean Hayes for being an acceptable getaway driver. And I wanted to thank you, the listeners, for providing us with an airtight alibi about how we were recording this podcast last night and we were nowhere near that bank that got robbed. We will be back next time with more Smart List presents Clueless. I'll still be your host, Elliot Kaelin, and you'll still be you. It's a deal. Let's shake on it.

[Sean Hayes]

Bye, everybody.

[Production Team]

Clueless, you have been listening to Smartless presents Clueless, a Smartless media production and associate with SiriusXM. Your host is Elliot Kalin, who also writes our scripts. Your constant contestant is Sean Hayes, with those blue, blue eyes. Your producer, editor, and engineer is Devin Tory Bryant, who is me. I also write all the music and sound effects assistant engineer Kyle McGraw. Today's puzzles were written by Josh Richmond and Kevin Lehman. Talent producer is Anne Harris, Associate Producer Maddie McCann Social Media Producer Tommy Galgano. Executive producers are Elliott Kaelin, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for SmartLess Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminski. Remember to follow, subscribe, rate and review the show. It really helps. That's all for now. We will see you again for more.

[Elliot Kaelin]

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