160 - Slang Gang

Summary

Podcast Summary: SmartLess Presents ClueLess
Episode 160 - Slang Gang
Release Date: June 16, 2025

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Introduction

In Episode 160 of SmartLess Presents ClueLess, titled "Slang Gang," host Elliott Kaelin celebrates a significant milestone with special content centered around Cockney rhyming slang. Joined by the persistent Sean Hayes, the episode delves into the intricacies of this playful and obscure linguistic tradition, challenging both Sean and the listeners to decode and understand its nuances.

Celebrating the 60th Episode

Elliott Kaelin kicks off the milestone celebration by acknowledging the audience's support and teasing a special "cliffhanger reveal" as a gift to Sean Hayes:

[01:13] Elliott Kaelin: "Welcome to Smartless Presents. Clueless, the puzzle podcast that melts in your mind, not in your hand."

The playful banter continues as Elliott praises Sean's near-win in the Sean Hayes lookalike contest, setting a lighthearted and engaging tone for the episode.

Introducing "Slang Gang": The Cockney Rhyming Slang Challenge

The core of the episode centers around "Slang Gang," a new main game designed to educate and entertain by exploring Cockney rhyming slang. Elliott explains the game's premise:

[05:15] Elliott Kaelin: "We thought that we should give you a primer on some of the cockney rhyming slang that you're sure to hear from all the chimney sweeps you're going to be hanging out with on rooftops during your magical adventures."

Sean Hayes, visibly intrigued yet apprehensive, engages in the challenge, demonstrating both his humor and determination to grasp the complex slang.

Decoding Cockney Rhyming Slang

Elliott guides Sean through ten examples of Cockney rhyming slang, presenting each phrase and prompting Sean to decipher its meaning. Below are some key interactions and notable moments:

1. "Duke of Kent"

   • Elliott: "Duke of Kent is rent."
     [07:28] Elliott Kaelin
   • Sean: Attempts variations before landing on "rent"
     [07:34] Sean Hayes

2. "Baker's Dozen"

   • Elliott: "Baker's dozen means cousin."
     [07:58] Elliott Kaelin
   • Sean: Correctly identifies "cousin"
     [07:52] Sean Hayes

3. "Adam and Eve"

   • Elliott: "Adam and eve is believe."
     [08:43] Elliott Kaelin
   • Sean: Struggles but remains engaged
     [08:57] Sean Hayes

4. "Artful Dodger"

   • Elliott: "Artful Dodger means lodger."
     [09:15] Elliott Kaelin
   • Sean: Honestly attempts the correct term
     [09:29] Sean Hayes

5. "Bread and Honey"

   • Elliott: "Bread and honey means money."
     [09:56] Elliott Kaelin
   • Sean: Successfully guesses "money"
     [09:55] Sean Hayes

6. "Frog and Toad"

   • Elliott: "Frog and toad means road."
     [10:11] Elliot Kaelin
   • Sean: Confused but attentive
     [10:13] Sean Hayes

7. "Whistle and Flute"

   • Elliott: "Whistle and flute means suit."
     [10:21] Elliott Kaelin
   • Sean: Correctly identifies "suit"
     [10:27] Sean Hayes

8. "Septic Tank"

   • Elliott: "Septic tank means Yank."
     [10:33] Elliott Kaelin
   • Sean: Approaches with confidence but misses
     [10:37] Sean Hayes

9. "Sweeney Todd"

   • Elliott: "Sweeney Todd means Flying Squad (Metropolitan Police)."
     [10:53] Elliott Kaelin
   • Sean: Acknowledges the difficulty
     [11:12] Sean Hayes

10. "Lady Godiva"

    • Elliott: "Lady Godiva means fiver."
      [11:29] Elliott Kaelin
    • Sean: Attempts but doesn't fully grasp
      [11:36] Sean Hayes

Throughout these exchanges, Elliott emphasizes the educational aspect of the game, assuring listeners that prior knowledge of Cockney slang isn't required:

[06:32] Elliott Kaelin: "This is a teaching game. We don't expect you to know these answers. We're gonna be teaching you these cockney rhyming signs."

Mega Clue Puzzle: Translating Cockney Sentences

Towards the end of the episode, Elliott presents a "Mega Clue" puzzle, asking Sean to translate a complex sentence filled with the day's Cockney slang into standard English:

[12:17] Sean Hayes: "Ah, very good."
[12:24] Elliott Kaelin: "Today's Mega Clue... 'I would say, listen to it. Write down words that seem like keywords...'"
[13:00] Sean Hayes: Successfully deciphers the sentence
[13:04] Sean Hayes: "Wonderful."

The translated sentence reads:

"My American cousin is my lodger. He lives up the stairs. He gives me a fiver for his rent. Would you believe it? If he doesn't give me more money, I'll put on my best suit and walk down the road to the police."
[13:00] Sean Hayes

This segment highlights the playful yet challenging nature of understanding and using Cockney rhyming slang, reinforcing the episode's theme of linguistic puzzles.

Cliffhanger Puzzle

As the episode nears its conclusion, Elliott introduces the "Cliffhanger Puzzle," a classic brain teaser intended to linger in listeners' minds until the next episode:

[14:19] Elliot Kaelin: "Four cars come to a four-way stop, each coming from a different direction. They can't decide who got there first, so they all go forward at the same time. All four cars go, but none crash into each other. How is this possible?"

Sean offers a tentative answer, hinting at the complexity of the puzzle:

[14:23] Sean Hayes: "Okay."
[14:24] Elliot Kaelin: "Yes. And you have to answer incogni...."

Listeners are encouraged to ponder this puzzle and tune in for the solution in the next episode.

Conclusion and Acknowledgments

Elliott wraps up the episode by expressing gratitude to Sean Hayes and the listeners, emphasizing the educational and entertaining journey they've shared:

[15:10] Elliott Kaelin: "I've been your host, Elliot Kaelin, reminding you that age ain't nothing but a number. A number that accurately describes how old you are."

He also credits the production team, ensuring listeners recognize the collaborative effort behind the podcast's success.

Notable Quotes

• Elliott Kaelin: "This will be great. This will be great."
  [06:51]
  Reflecting the anticipation and enthusiasm for the "Slang Gang" game.

• Sean Hayes: "I gotta learn it before I go."
  [13:24]
  Highlighting Sean's commitment to mastering Cockney slang before his trip to London.

• Elliott Kaelin: "This is one of those rare games where it's just you and me, Sean. It's an educational moment, and if you don't get them right, it's okay."
  [06:32]
  Emphasizing the supportive and informative nature of the episode.

Final Thoughts

Episode 160 of SmartLess Presents ClueLess offers a delightful exploration of Cockney rhyming slang, blending humor, competition, and education. Through engaging dialogue and thoughtful challenges, Elliott Kaelin and Sean Hayes invite listeners to expand their linguistic horizons while celebrating the podcast's enduring success. Whether you're a language enthusiast or simply seeking entertainment, "Slang Gang" promises an enjoyable and enlightening experience.

Transcript

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[Sean Hayes]

Smart.

[Advertiser 2]

Bless me.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Remember, don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. Always separate them ahead of time. Bathwater in the green bin. Baby's in the blue bin. This is Clueless. Clueless. Clueless.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, it's Clueless.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Welcome to Smartless Presents. Clueless, the puzzle podcast that melts in your mind, not in your hand. I'm your host, Elliot Kaelin, and I was found at Paddington Station with a note that said, please look after this podcast host. Now join me in welcoming the star of our show, the man who was last year's runner up in the Sean Hayes lookalike contest. Sean Hayes.

[Sean Hayes]

And I still didn't win. Still didn't win.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You got so close. I got close.

[Sean Hayes]

I got so close. It's amazing.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Every year you get a little closer.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, it's cause my hair is long now. Hi, Elliot. It's just me and you today.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Hello, Sean. That's right. No guests today. Just one on one, mano a mano, puzzle style. This is gonna be fun, and it's gonna be very special because today we're hitting a milestone. This is clueless 60th episode, the Big Six Zero. Now, traditionally, the 60th anniversary is when you give the gift of diamonds. But I got you something even better, Sean. I got you a cliffhanger reveal. Please cherish it always.

[Sean Hayes]

Can I go back to the diamonds? Okay, we're doing that. All right.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Maybe before our 70th.

[Sean Hayes]

Do you have the receipt for the cliffhanger?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, there's a gift receipt. Because I don't want you to know how much I spent on it. Last episode's cliffhanger was a samesies that went thusly. Here are four words. All you have to do is tell me what makes them samesies. Break, cold, drift, and wave. What can be done with all of these words that makes them samesies?

[Sean Hayes]

Okay, wait. Break, cold, drift, and wave.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, Break, cold, drift, and wave.

[Sean Hayes]

Well, they have. It all has to do with some kind of water or something, right?

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's not what we're looking for.

[Sean Hayes]

But the long pause. The long pause was a dead giveaway.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The long pause is my way of saying, how do I let Sean down gently on this, our 60th episode?

[Sean Hayes]

Break your foot. Cold feet. Foot, wave, wave. Like foot, feet, foot. Something like that.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Foot Wave. No, it's not feet either. I'll give you one more shot. I'll give you one more shot at it.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay. Break, cold, drift, wave. Are these kinds of dances or music something?

[Elliot Kaelin]

No, they're not. Although you could say music can be catchy. And these are all things that you can catch.

[Sean Hayes]

Catch.

[Advertiser 1]

Oh, yes.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Catch a break. Catch a cold, Catch a drift.

[Sean Hayes]

Catch a wave.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Catch a wave. That's good.

[Sean Hayes]

I should have gotten that.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I mean, I don't like to live in the world of should have. But.

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[Elliot Kaelin]

Listeners at home, did you get the answer? If so, let this be a day of celebration throughout the land. Let the bells ring. Let there be dancing in the streets. Let the kids stay up and watch shows with bad words in them. And while they're doing that, play an all new main game just for Sean. It's called Slang Gang.

[Advertiser 2]

Ooh, Slang Gang.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Shame.

[Devin Tory Bryant]

That's gonna teach you some slang.

[Sean Hayes]

I'm gonna teach you some flame. That's good.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's a good one. That's a good one. Since Sean's about to go on a trip to London. I don't know if you knew that, Sean, but you're about to go to London.

[Sean Hayes]

What?

[Elliot Kaelin]

This isn't how I wanted you to find out.

[Sean Hayes]

Somebody can drive me to the airport. I gotta get organized.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Someone's gonna drive you all the way there, all the way across the airport.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, okay. Good few. Okay, good.

[Elliot Kaelin]

We thought that we should give you a primer on some of the cockney rhyming slang that you're sure to hear from all the chimney sweeps you're going to be hanging out with on rooftops during your magical adventures. Cockney rhyming slang, of course, involves replacing a common word with a phrase of two or more words, and the last of those words rhymes with the original word. And then you typically drop the rhyming word so that the remaining phrase is almost totally obscure to anyone who doesn't know the slang already.

[Sean Hayes]

Ah, those directions are so easy.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Well, let's give you an example. For example, one of the classic pieces of cockney rhyming slang is the apples, which is short for apples and pears, as in going up the apples and pears, which means stairs. So stairs rhymes with pears. And people would say apples and pears, and then they drop the pears part and just say apples to mean stairs.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay, and you're saying. First of all, you're saying, this is an easy game. Second of all, you're saying, this is.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I never said an easy game.

[Sean Hayes]

This is a common phrase in England. It's the apples and pears.

[Elliot Kaelin]

This is the English language. This is how all English people talk. All of them.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay, Apples and pears. All right, sure.

[Elliot Kaelin]

So to say stairs, if someone had gone up the stairs, you'd go, he's up the apples.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay, got it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Now, here's the thing with this game, Sean. This is a teaching game. We don't expect you to know these answers. We're gonna be teaching you these cockney rhyming signs.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, very good.

[Elliot Kaelin]

We want you to try to guess them. We'll keep track of which ones, and there's a mega clue at the end. But this is one of those rare games where it's just you and me, Sean. It's an educational moment, and if you don't get them right, it's okay. Because you. If I'm being honest, as an American, cockney rhyming slang makes no sense to me.

[Sean Hayes]

No sense. So this is gonna be a great one.

[Elliot Kaelin]

This will be great. This will be great.

[Sean Hayes]

Is anybody still listening? All right, let's listen.

[Elliot Kaelin]

All of our English listeners have stopped. They said, how dare you, guv' nor. Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

Which rhymes with shovener? I don't know. All right, slang gang.

[Devin Tory Bryant]

Shang a lang.

[Elliot Kaelin]

So I'm gonna name the cockney rhyming slang phrase and you'll tell me what rhyming word it means. Okay, so number one. Duke of kent.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay, so now I have to know what duke of kent means. It sounds like a person.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It does? Well, so you want something that's gonna rhyme with Kent. That's the cockney rhyming slang. Is bent your answer?

[Sean Hayes]

Sure.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's not the right answer, but you're following the rules. It's rent. Duke of Kent is rent.

[Sean Hayes]

Rent.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay, so you would pay your duke of kent. Or you just say pay my duke because they cut off the last part.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, pay my duke of kent.

[Elliot Kaelin]

And they would say that somebody would. According to the rules of this game. Let's move to number two. Baker's Dozen. What does Baker's Dozen mean?

[Sean Hayes]

That's 12.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I mean, that's 13, but that's what it means in regular. But incogni. Rhyming slang. What word rhymes with dozen?

[Sean Hayes]

Cousin.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. Cousin. Exactly. Right. Baker's dozen means cousin. So I'd go visit my bakers, which someone on the outside means you're visiting a baker, but it's not. It means you're visiting a cousin.

[Sean Hayes]

But wait, but baker's dozen is an actual phrase.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It is. That's true. A lot of these are real phrases that just happen to rhyme with another word.

[Sean Hayes]

Wonderful.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Number three. Adam and eve.

[Sean Hayes]

Eve rhymes with steve. It also rhymes with sleeve. Could rhyme with could.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Let me give you a sentence. Say, can you Adam and Eve that?

[Sean Hayes]

Can you Adam and.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's a tough one. You want me to tell you what it is? Leave close. Believe. Believe.

[Sean Hayes]

Believe.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Adam and eve is believe Adam and said Eve rhymes with Steve. So then cockney rhyming's like, Adam and eve would mean Steve, and you'd cut out the end. So you'd say Adam to mean Steve, which I think would be hilarious if adam was just the slang word for Steve.

[Sean Hayes]

Sure, sure. Why not?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah. Number four is up the next one. Number four. Artful Dodger.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah. Dodger. Rhymes with. Oh, my gosh. Dodger. Roger.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Very close. You want to try one more odger word, perhaps? What? You'll be at the place where you're staying when you're in London.

[Sean Hayes]

A lodger?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, my God. Can I tell you something? I swear to God, that was the first word I was going to say, and I was like, well, it's not lodger, because that's not really like a. It's not a common word. I'm a lo. What are you doing this weekend? Well, I'm going to be a lodger up at the cabin.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I'm just lodging, which I guess would be artful. Dodging would be the no, but you're doing great. Question number five. Bread and honey.

[Sean Hayes]

Uh huh.

[Elliot Kaelin]

What could rhyme with bread and honey? Sunny, sonny, here's. I'll give you a clue. So you wouldn't say the full phrase bread and honey. You'd say bread, which is already a slang term in English for this thing.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, it's money.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, money. There you go.

[Sean Hayes]

That's right.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay, let's go to number six.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, God. How many are there?

[Elliot Kaelin]

10.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh my God.

[Elliot Kaelin]

We're halfway through. We'll speak. We'll hurry up. We'll hurry up.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Next one. Frog and toad.

[Sean Hayes]

Unload. Load.

[Elliot Kaelin]

No, the answer is road. I guess the place where you would run over a frog or a toad. Number seven. Whistle and flute. Flute, yes.

[Sean Hayes]

So I gotta think of something that rhymes with flute.

[Elliot Kaelin]

What rhymes with flute?

[Sean Hayes]

Flute. You would wear a suit.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, a suit. Exactly. Your flute suit. Question number eight. So this is septic tank.

[Sean Hayes]

Tank is the correct answer? Is bank.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's very close. I love the confidence that you said that with. The correct answer is actually Yank, as in an American Yank. So you'd say septic to mean American. Very insulting. But that's okay. Question number nine. Sweeney Todd. This is a tough one.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah. Sweeney Todd bod.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You know what? That works better. Sweeney Todd, according to what I've been told by the judges, is rhyming for Flying squad, which is the Metropolitan Police in London. So that was one where I'm gonna give you the points. Cause there's almost no way that you were gonna get that one.

[Sean Hayes]

No, no, of course not. Just.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Fair chance. Question 10, the final one. So this one, the rhyme relies on kind of cockney pronunciation as well. The phrase is Lady Godiva.

[Sean Hayes]

Lady Godiva. Lady Godiva. Lady a God. Diver, like a something. I don't know. What is it?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Close. The answer is fiver, as in a five pound note. So Godiva and fiver. To us they don't rhyme, but to them they would rhyme. But diver's close that you got the error at the end of it. I'm very impressed by Godiver.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, we're the gang that's gonna teach you some slang.

[Elliot Kaelin]

So stacking up the points in being very complimentary, I'm giving you. I think I'll give you a five and a half. A lot of this just for being a good sport. But we still got our mega clue.

[Advertiser 2]

Mega clue question.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Or as they would say in Cockney, an Elmer's, I guess, Elmer's glue, because glue rhymes with clue. That's what I'll say.

[Sean Hayes]

Ah, very good.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah. For today's Mega Clue, I'm going to have you decode a couple of sentences written entirely in the cockney slang that we have used today in this game. You're going to translate it into plain old boring King's presidential English.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay?

[Elliot Kaelin]

And so this is what it is. I would say, listen to it. Write down words that seem like keywords, but don't write down the whole thing because it'll take a long time. All right. My septic baker's dozen is my artful dodger. He lives up the apples. He gives me a Lady Godiva for his Duke of Kent. Would you add him and eve it? If he doesn't give me more bread and honey, I'll put on my best whistle and walk down the Frog to the Sweeney.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay, and what do I have to do?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Tell me what that means.

[Sean Hayes]

Somebody who got too drunk to walk home. I don't know.

[Elliot Kaelin]

So to translate, it says, my American cousin is my lodger. He lives up the stairs. He gives me a fiver for his rent. Would you believe it? If he doesn't give me more money, I'll put on my best suit and walk down the road to the police.

[Sean Hayes]

Wonderful.

[Elliot Kaelin]

And now we've taught you that when you go to England, you will have no idea what anybody is saying.

[Sean Hayes]

But this is true. This is true.

[Elliot Kaelin]

But you'll love hearing it. You'll be enjoying it even as you don't know what anything is.

[Sean Hayes]

Such a beautiful language. I gotta learn it before I go.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yo, Listeners at home, did you do as well as Sean? If not, I want you to know it doesn't change the.

[Sean Hayes]

If you did, please call me.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Then he'll need you as his interpreter on the trip. If you didn't, it doesn't change the way I feel about you, which is a sort of mild appreciation. Hey, what's that over there? It's today's Cliffhanger Puzzle. The Cliffhanger Puzzle is a classic earworm, a worm that gets into your ear and it won't come out until you find out the answer to this puzzle. Today's puzzle goes thusly. Four cars come to a four way stop, each coming from a different direction. They can't decide who got there first, so they all go forward at the same time. All four cars go, but none crash into each other. How is this possible?

[Sean Hayes]

Mmm. And my answer has to be incogni.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. And you have to answer incogni. Rhyming slang or cockney slant. Rhyming slang, which is even harder because the rhymes are that much more difficult.

[Sean Hayes]

I'm going to work on it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's great. Now, I can't believe our 60th episode is already over. It seems like it was only 12 to 15 minutes ago that we first started. And there's so many people I want to thank. But most of all, I want to thank Sean Hayes. It's our 60th episode, Sean. You still don't look a day over 59 episodes.

[Sean Hayes]

Thank you so much.

[Elliot Kaelin]

But most of all, I want to thank you, the listener, for, I assume, listening to all 60 episodes. And if you haven't, well, you've got some homework ahead of you. Join us next time for episode 61 of Smartless Presents Clueless. Until then, I've been your host, Elliot Kaelin, reminding you that age ain't nothing but a number. A number that accurately describes how old you are.

[Devin Tory Bryant]

Clueless, you have been listening to Smartless Presents Clueless, a Smartless Media production in association with Sirius xm. Your host is Elliot Kaelin, who also writes our scripts. Your constant contestant is Sean Hayes, who does like candy. Your producer, editor and engineer is Devin Tory Bryant, who is me. I also write all the music. Music and sound effects assistant engineer, Kyle McGraw. Today's puzzles were written by myself, Cor Blimey. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer, Maddie McCann. Social media producer, Tommy Galgano. Executive producers are Elliot Kaelin, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminski. Remember to follow, subscribe, rate and review the show. It really helps. That's all for now. We will see you again for more.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Smart glass.

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