171 - American Chess Day (Mini Episode)

Summary

SmartLess Presents ClueLess

Episode 171 – American Chess Day (Mini Episode)
Host: Elliott Kalan
Producer: Devin (Tory Bryant)
Release Date: September 1, 2025
Length: ~8 minutes (excluding ads/outros)

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Episode Overview

This "mini episode" of ClueLess celebrates American Chess Day with host Elliott Kalan guiding listeners through fun chess trivia and a lively quiz segment. Regular contestant Sean Hayes is absent, and instead, listeners get to be the contestant, answering a rapid-fire quiz titled "Chess, Film Noir, or Russian Literature?" The episode is filled with clever banter, wit, and a touch of chess history—perfect for puzzle and trivia enthusiasts.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Episode Format Change

• [00:38 – 01:21]
  • Elliott announces this is a mini episode, shorter than usual, due to ClueLess staff working on puzzles and guests for Season 2.
    • “For the month of September, we'll be putting out mini episodes where the listener gets to be the contestant.” – Producer Devin [01:09]
  • Both Elliott and Devin riff on wishing they were listeners to participate.

2. American Chess Day Spotlight

• [01:22 – 02:11]
  • Elliott quizzes listeners on the number of starting chess pieces.
    • “Can you tell me how many chess pieces are on the board at the beginning of a standard game?” [01:27]
    • Elliott playfully puns wrong answers:
      • “If you answered cheddar, then I guess you don't know chess. But you do know cheese, which is almost as good.” [02:06]
  • He lists the standard setup: 32 pieces (16 per side).

3. The “Rook” Etymology Tidbit

• [02:11 – 03:13]
  • Producer Devin asks why the castle-shaped piece is called a “rook”.
    • “I always wondered, why do we call the piece that looks like a castle a rook? What does rook even mean?” – Devin [02:11]
  • Elliott delivers a quick, comic history lesson:
    • Chess descended from the Indian game Chaturanga, where the rook was originally a chariot (rukh in Persian).
    • “It also makes sense because rooks speed around the board in the way that chariots can, but castles definitely cannot.” – Elliott [02:31]
  • Jokes about how Americans might have called the bishop a “hot dog” if it looked like one.

4. Main Game: Chess, Film Noir, or Russian Literature?

• [03:16 – 04:59]
  • Elliott explains the quiz: He names a list, you guess if each is a chess opening, a film noir, or Russian literature.
    • “The rules are kind of obvious. You probably could have picked it up from the name.” [03:31]
  • The list:
    • The Scandinavian Defense
    • The Vienna Game
    • The Great Flammarion
    • The Idiot
    • Overexposed
    • The Nimzowitsch Larsen Attack
    • The Narrow Margin
    • Nevsky Prospekt
    • Ruy Lopez
    • I Was a Communist for the FBI

5. Quiz Answers & Recap

• [06:08 – 06:51]
  • Elliott delivers the answers, infusing humor and playful self-deprecation:
    • “If you got more than half of them right, then I would say checkmate. I don't really know what that means. I don't know that much about chess, unfortunately.” [06:42]
  • Results:
    • Scandinavian Defense – Chess
    • Vienna Game – Chess
    • Great Flammarion – Film Noir
    • The Idiot – Russian Literature
    • Overexposed – Film Noir
    • Nimzowitsch Larsen Attack – Chess
    • The Narrow Margin – Film Noir
    • Nevsky Prospekt – Russian Literature
    • Ruy Lopez – Chess
    • I Was a Communist for the FBI – Film Noir

6. Closing Thoughts and Announcements

• [06:51 – 07:08]
  • Elliott wraps up by philosophizing:
    • “We've been checkmated. I guess I figured it out. By the ultimate chess player, Time. Time always wins and he takes forever to make his moves.” [06:48]
  • Producer Devin reminds listeners: Season 2 of ClueLess arrives later this year.
  • Elliott signs off with a chess pun:
    • “Wishing you a good night. My but Knight with a K at the beginning, like in chess.” [07:05]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Wit & Wordplay:

  • "The puzzle podcast that has a secret crush on you." – Elliott [00:40]
  • “If you answered cheddar, then I guess you don't know chess. But you do know cheese, which is almost as good.” – Elliott [02:06]
  • “It's like if Americans had picked up chess and been like, this bishop looks like a hot dog. Let's change the piece into a hot dog, but still call it a bishop.” – Elliott [03:00]
  • “If you got more than half of them right, then I would say checkmate. I don't really know what that means. I don't know that much about chess, unfortunately.” – Elliott [06:42]
  • “We've been checkmated. I guess I figured it out. By the ultimate chess player, Time. Time always wins and he takes forever to make his moves.” – Elliott [06:48]
  • “Wishing you a good night. My but Knight with a K at the beginning, like in chess.” – Elliott [07:05]

• Listener Engagement:

  • The host repeatedly breaks the fourth wall, playing with the listener-participation format.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment | |-----------|---------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:38 | Mini episode intro and season 2 update | | 01:22 | American Chess Day intro and opening chess trivia | | 02:11 | Chess history: Why is it called a “rook”? | | 03:16 | Main game: Chess, Film Noir, or Russian Literature? (quiz segment) | | 06:08 | Quiz answers and comic recap | | 06:51 | Outro, season announcement, closing chess pun |

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Conclusion

This ClueLess mini episode is a delightful, trivia-laced interlude for American Chess Day, filled with engaging puzzles, sly humor, and offbeat history. Not only does Elliott invite listeners to play along, he also educates and entertains, making it a worthwhile listen for chess fans, puzzle lovers, and the SmartLess crowd alike.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

Smart less medio. Listeners, before we start, there's no easy way to say this. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. I know. I'm disappointed in Peter Piper, too. This is Clueless.

[A]

Clueless.

[B]

Clueless. I'm Clueless. Welcome to Smartless Presents. Clueless, the puzzle podcast that has a secret crush on you. I'm your host, Elliot Kaelin, and I know where babies come from, but I don't know where they're going to. Today's episode of Clueless is a little than normal. Producer Devin, why is today's episode of Clueless different than normal?

[A]

Well, Elliot, our workers at the Clueless puzzle testing complex in Santa Fe, New Mexico are still working on crafting new puzzles and booking all new guests for Clueless Season 2. So for the month of September, we'll be putting out mini episodes where the listener gets to be the contestant.

[B]

Huh, that sounds fun. I wish I was a listener.

[A]

Same.

[B]

Thank you, producer Devin.

[A]

You're welcome.

[B]

Today's miniature episode of Clueless is all about American chess day. Foreign chess days will have to wait for their own episode. Let's start with a question for you, the listener. Can you tell me how many chess pieces are on the board at the beginning of a standard game? Hmm, let's see. There's two knights and one queen and a whole mess of pawns. Oh, wait, I've got it. The answer's right here. In my script, it's 32 pieces. There are eight pawns, two. Two rooks, two knights, two bishops, one king, and one queen on each side. So that makes 16 pieces times two. Did you know the answer? If so, then you really know your chess. And if you answered cheddar, then I guess you don't know chess. But you do know cheese, which is almost as good.

[A]

Elliot, I always wondered, why do we call the piece that looks like a castle a rook? What does rook even mean?

[B]

That's a good question, producer Devin. I deal with knights and bishops every day, but I've never encountered a rookie. Where'd that name come from? Well, the earliest version of Chess is a 1500 year old game from India called Chaturanga. It was played on an 8x8 grid without checkered squares, which would have made It a lot harder to play checkers on the same board. If checkers existed at the time, each Chaturanga player had kings, horses, and a front row of pawns. But the little castle tower piece we call a rook was originally a chariot. When the game spread to Persia, as all successful games do, the the Persians called it a rukh, which makes a lot of sense since it's the Persian word for chariot. And it also makes sense because rooks speed around the board in the way that chariots can, but castles definitely cannot. To make a long story short, it's like if Americans had picked up chess and been like, this bishop looks like a hot dog. Let's change the piece into a hot dog, but still call it a bishop. Actually, why haven't we done that? That would be pretty fun.

[A]

Hey, Elliot, this might be a good time to start the episode's like actual game.

[B]

You're right, producer Devin. That's enough learning for one day. Time for our game. To celebrate American Chess Day, I'll be giving you a quiz entitled Chess Ville Noir or Russian Literature? In this game, I'll give you a list of items and you figure out whether it's a chess opening, a film noir movie, or a work of Russian literature. The rules are kind of obvious. You probably could have picked it up from the name. So, Chess Opening, Film noir, or Russian literature. Here are your the Scandinavian Defense, the Vienna Game, the Great Flammarion, the Idiot Overexposed. The Nimwich Larsen Attack, the Narrow Margin, Nevsky Prospekt, Roy Lopez. I was a Communist for the FBI. And again, those items tell me if they are a chess opening, a film noir, or a work of Russian literature. The Scandinavian Defense, the Vienna Game, the Great Flammarion, the Idiot Overexposed, the Nimowitch Larsen Attack, the Narrow Margin, Nevsky Prospekt. RUY Lopez. I was a communist for the FBI. Ready for the answers? No. Okay, good. Because first we've got a quick word from our sponsor. But when we get back, I'm giving you the answers whether you're ready for them or not.

[A]

Honey, do not make plans.

[B]

Saturday, September 13th. Okay. Why? What's happening? The Walmart Wellness event. Flu shots, health screenings, free samples from those brands you like. All that at Walmart? We can just walk right in, no appointment needed. Who knew we could cover our health and wellness needs at Walmart? Check the calendar. Saturday, September 13th. Walmart wellness event. You knew? I knew. Check in on your health at the same place you already shop. Visit Walmart. Saturday, September 13th for our semi annual wellness event. Flu shot. Subject to availability and applicable state law. Age restrictions apply. Free samples while supplies last. Hello. Welcome back to Smartless presents. Clueless, the only puzzle podcast that's most of the way done for today. If you're like me, then you want to know how you did on today's quiz. And if you're really like me, then you're about 5 foot 5 and rapidly losing your hair. So while we've still got something on our heads, here are today's answers. The Scandinavian defense is a chess move. The Vienna game also a chess move. The Great Flammarion is a film noir. The Idiot is a work of Russian literature. Overexposed is a film noir. The Nimowitch Larsen Attack is a chess move. The Narrow Margin is a film noir. Nevsky Prospekt is a work of Russian literature. Roy Lopez is a chess move. And I Was a Communist for the FBI is a film noir. Well, listeners, how did you do on the quiz? If you got more than half of them right, then I would say checkmate. I don't really know what that means. I don't know that much about chess, unfortunately. That's all for this week's Clueless Mini, because we've been checkmated. I guess I figured it out. By the ultimate chess player, Time. Time always wins and he takes forever to make his moves. So while time clears off the board, I'd like to thank you for listening and wish a happy American chess day to all those who observe.

[A]

And I'd like to remind you all that an all new season two of Clueless will be coming your way later this year.

[B]

Yeah. Thank you, producer Devin. Until next week, this has been a Smartless presents Clueless mini. And I've been your host, Elliot Kaelin. Wishing you a good night. My but Knight with a K at the beginning, like in chess.

[A]

Clueless. You have been listening to Smartless presents Clueless, a Smartless Media production in association with SiriusXM. Your host is Elliot Kaelin, who also writes our scripts. Your producer, editor and engineer is Devin. Tory Bryant, who is me. I also write all the music and sound effects. Today's puzzles were written by Josh Richmond and Jason Reich. Executive producers are Elliot Kaelin, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Cor, Bernie Kaminsky. Remember to follow, subscribe, rate and review the show. It really helps. That's all for now. We will see you again for more Clueless.

[B]

Clueless. I'm Clueless Smart. Bless me.

[A]

I don't mean to interrupt your meal, but I love Geico's fast and friendly claim service.

[B]

Well, that's how Geico gets 97% customer satisfaction.

[A]

Yeah, I'll let you get back to your food.

[B]

So are you just going to watch me eat?

[A]

Get more than just savings. Get more with Geico.