175 - National Coffee Day (Mini Episode)

Summary

SmartLess Presents ClueLess

Episode 175: National Coffee Day (Mini Episode)

Release Date: September 29, 2025
Host: Elliott Kalan
Producer/Co-host: Devin Tory Bryant

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Overview

This National Coffee Day-themed mini episode delivers sips of trivia, a dash of history, and a generous pour of playful banter, all built around the beloved bean-based beverage: coffee. Host Elliott Kalan and producer/co-host Devin Tory Bryant guide listeners through coffee-related puzzles and fun facts, mixing education and humor while testing your knowledge of everything from etymology to pop culture and the infamously inventive Starbucks "secret menu."

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening and Episode Theme

• The episode kicks off with a fleeting sketch featuring Jeff Bridges and Dana (ads omitted here), quickly pivoting to the true content: celebration and puzzling around National Coffee Day.
• Elliott: “Today’s miniature episode is all about National Coffee Day, the day when we celebrate America’s favorite bean-based liquid. Sorry, garbanzo ju. Coffee is still number one.” (01:46)

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2. Coffee Trivia: The Origin of "Cup of Joe"

• Elliott challenges listeners with the classic: Where does the phrase ‘cup of joe’ come from? Options include exotic etymology, baseball legends, and a US Navy Admiral.
• While listeners “percolate,” Elliott offers a brief history:
  • Coffee's roots: Originally from Arabia, with Ethiopian beans, consumed for 600+ years.
  • America’s switch from tea to coffee: Sparked in part by British taxes, leading to the Revolution and the coffee craze by the mid-19th century.
  • Elliott: “But the biggest consequence was that Americans switched from a leaf-based drink best enjoyed in the afternoon to a bean-based drink best enjoyed in the morning.” (02:55)
• Trivia answer: The true origin is unknown; all suggested explanations are apocryphal.
  • Elliott: “Nobody knows where the phrase ‘cup of joe’ came from... If you said, hey, this is a trick question, then you got this question right!” (03:36)

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3. Pop Culture Puzzler: Famous Fictional Coffee Shops

• Listeners are presented with a list:
  • Espresso Pump, Central Perk, Luke’s Diner, Espresso Yourself, Café Nervosa.
• Which one’s totally made up?
  • Answer: Espresso Yourself.
  • The others are pulled from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” “Friends,” “Gilmore Girls,” and “Frasier.”
  • Elliott: “Espresso Yourself...you won’t find any famous fictional characters, only fictional coffee.” (04:34)

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4. Main Game: Starbucks Secret Menu—Fact or Fiction?

• Elliott introduces the famous Starbucks “secret menu,” noting its fan-driven, unofficial nature:
  • Elliott: “The secret menu isn’t an innovation from the Starbucks corporation, but from its fans...Some of these drinks became so popular that if you found a barista who was in the know, you could request them by name.” (06:01)
• The quiz: Which of these drinks are real Starbucks secret menu offerings?
  • Popeye Tea
  • Alien Refresher
  • Barbie Frappuccino
  • Finding Nemocha
  • Medicine Ball

5. Secret Menu Revelations (Answers & Descriptions) [10:45]

• Popeye Tea: Real—unsweetened iced green tea with one scoop of matcha powder.
  • Elliott: “Not quite spinach in a cup, but as close to a vegetable as you’ll get at Starbucks.” (10:38)
• Alien Refresher: Fake.
• Barbie Frappuccino: Real—vanilla bean Frappuccino with half & half, vanilla syrup, strawberry puree, and dragon fruit blended until hot pink, topped with whipped cream.
  • Elliott: “My immediate response is not for me. Nope.” (10:58)
• Finding Nemocha: Fake—though Elliott jokes that if it existed, it'd probably involve fish oil.
• Medicine Ball: Real—a combo of Jade Citrus Mint Tea, Peach Tranquility Tea, hot water, lemonade, honey, and peppermint syrup.
  • “In laboratory tests, it’s proved to be a cure for not drinking weird coffee.” (11:30)

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6. Humor & Notable Banter

• Coffee Shop Naming Tangent:
  • Elliott and Devin riff on how Starbucks got its name from a minor character in “Moby-Dick,” joking alternative names like Pequod’s or even Moby-Dick’s Pizza.
    • Elliott: “That doesn’t make any sense. Pequod should be a coffee shape place. Moby Dick should be a pizza place. Starbucks should be a bank.” (05:56)
• Light self-deprecation:
  • After a trick question: “Actually, I do too. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, not unlike poorly made coffee.” (04:02)
• Sign-off energy:
  • Elliott: “If so, give yourself a high five. Heck, give yourself a high ten if you’ve got enough fingers.” (11:37)
  • Elliott: “Reminding you that I’m your host, Elliott Kalan, reminding you that I’m your host, Elliott Kalan, reminding… I’m sorry, I think I had a little too much coffee.” (12:02)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the secret menu:
  • “Aliens don’t go to Starbucks. Which is ironic since Starbucks sounds like a money used by aliens.” (10:45)
• On being tricked:
  • “If you said, hey, this is a trick question, then you got this question right?” (03:36)
• On “Espresso Yourself”:
  • “You won’t find any famous fictional characters, only fictional coffee.” (04:34)
• On American coffee culture:
  • “We the people have not gotten enough sleep for about a century and a half and we really need that sleep.” (03:15)
• On fictional coffee shop names:
  • “Moby Dick should be a pizza place. Starbucks should be a bank.” (05:56)
• On the Barbie Frappuccino:
  • “That is... My immediate response is not for me. Nope.” (10:58)
• Outro:
  • “Give yourself a high ten if you’ve got enough fingers.” (11:37)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Coffee Day introduction & opening banter: 01:09–01:46
• “Cup of Joe” origin & America’s coffee history: 01:46–03:36
• Trick trivia answer & fictional coffee shops quiz: 03:36–04:37
• Starbucks name riff & Secret Menu intro: 05:44–06:01
• Secret Menu Quiz & Discussion: 06:01–10:35
• Secret Menu Reveal: 10:35–11:44
• Sign-off and Season Two Tease: 11:47–12:05

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Tone & Style

The episode balances playful wit, a dash of sarcasm, and informative tidbits, all delivered in the warm-yet-silly signature style of Elliott Kalan. Listeners get coffee-related knowledge, nerdy asides, and gentle ribbing, wrapped up in an energetic, family-friendly package.

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Conclusion

For National Coffee Day, “ClueLess” provides a snappy blend of coffee lore, pop-culture puzzles, and rapid-fire humor. With both esoteric trivia and relatable jokes, it’s a quick, caffeine-like pick-me-up for anyone who loves games, learning, and laughter—or just wants to know what a Medicine Ball actually is. And if you didn’t ace the puzzles? As Elliott reassures: “In a hundred years, nobody will remember if you got this right or wrong. Probably.” (04:34)

Transcript

[Jeff Bridges]

Morning, Zoe. Got donuts.

[Dana]

Jeff Bridges, why are you still living above our garage?

[Jeff Bridges]

Well, I dig the mattress and I want to be in a T mobile commercial like you teach me. So Dana.

[Dana]

Oh no, I'm not really prepared. I couldn't possibly at T Mobile get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them. It's designed to be the most powerful iPhone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.

[Jeff Bridges]

Wow, impressive. Let me try. T mobile is the best place to get iPhone 17 Pro because they've got the best network.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Nice.

[Dana]

Je free.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You heard them.

[Jeff Bridges]

T mobile is the best place to.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Get the new iPhone 17 Pro on us with eligible traded in any condition.

[Jeff Bridges]

So what are we having for lunch?

[Dana]

Dude, my work here is done.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

The 24 month bill credits on experience beyond for well qualified customers plus tax and 35 device connection charge credit send and balance due. If you pay off earlier, Cancel Finance agreement. IPhone 17 Pro 256 gigs 1099.99 A new line minimum 100 plus a month plan with auto pay plus taxes and fees required. Best mobile network in the US based on analysis by Oklahoma Speed Test Intelligence Data 182025 Visit t mobile.com smart Bless me.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Listeners. Are you sitting down? Because I have to tell you something incredibly startling. Boo. This is Clueless. Clueless. Clueless. I'm Clueless. Welcome to Smartless Presents. Clueless, the puzzle podcast that just wants to make mommy proud. I'm your host, Elliot Kaelin, and you'll just have to take my word for that. Producer Devin what is today's order of business?

[Devin Tory Bryant]

Elliot? We put in an order for a new season of Clueless, but the paperwork got misfiled at the warehouse. So today we've got an hors d' oeuvre for the listener in the form of another mini episode.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That sounds delicious and also a lovely pun. Today's miniature episode is all about National Coffee Day, the day when we celebrate America's favorite bean based liquid. Sorry, garbanzo ju. Coffee is still number one. So let's pour ourselves a hot, steaming cup of our first question. We're all familiar with the phrase a cup of joe, meaning coffee, not a cup of the Jewish patriarch Joseph. But where does the phrase come from? Is it derived from a jojo, an African word for the coffee bean? B an Americanized version of the term a cup of java? C a facetious reference to the US Navy admiral who banned sailors from bringing alcohol onboard ships? Or D baseball legend Joe DiMaggio, the official celebrity spokesman of the Mr. Coffee coffee making Coffee machine? Which of those Is the origin of the phrase a cup of joe?

[Devin Tory Bryant]

Elliot, while the listeners percolate on that question, why don't you tell us about where coffee comes from?

[Elliot Kaelin]

I'd be happy to. Producer Devin now if you're like me when you think of coffee beans, you think Brazil. But if you're like the me of a few seconds from now, you'll have read ahead farther in the script and you'll find out that coffee originally came from Arabia where beans from Ethiopia have been roasted and brewed as a drink for more than 600 years. Now, here in America, we didn't tast to coffee right away. Tea was more popular in the original 13 colonies until that whole thing where the British government put taxes on our tea. You probably heard about it. It led to the Revolutionary war. But the biggest consequence was that Americans switched from a leaf based drink best enjoyed in the afternoon to a bean based drink best enjoyed in the morning. By the mid 19th century, the United States was drinking more coffee than any other country in the world. Probably because we the people have not gotten enough sleep for about a century and a half and we really need that sleep.

[Devin Tory Bryant]

Producer Devin Elliot, let's not bother the audience with your pro sleep propaganda. Why don't you tell us the answer to the starter question?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Right away. Producer Devin Listeners, I gave you four explanations for the phrase cup of joe. Do you know which one of them was the right one? If you do, you're wrong because there isn't a right answer. Nobody knows where the phrase cup of joe came from, though. All of those options have been suggested as apocryphal explanations. So if you said, hey, this is a trick question, then you got this question right?

[Devin Tory Bryant]

I don't know. I kind of feel bad about giving the audience a trick question. Elliot.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Actually, I do too. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, not unlike poorly made coffee. So before we go to our main game, let's ask one more question. Here is a list of famous fictional coffee shops from TV shows. But there's a catch. One of them is so fictional that we made it up. Can you guess which of these fake cafes is especially fake? Your options are Espresso Pump Central, Perk, Luke's Diner, Espresso Yourself, and Cafe Nervosa. Which of these fake coffee shops has not appeared in a television show? Espresso Pump Central, Perk, Luke's Diner, Espresso Yourself or Cafe Nervosa. And the most fictional of the fictional coffee houses I just mentioned is Espresso Yourself. Espresso Pump was from Buffy the Vampire Slayer central perk was where the friends hung out. Luke's Diner is the chosen caffeine seller of the Gilmore Girls. And Cafe Nervosa is where you'll find Frasier. If you're looking for Frasier, that's where you'll find him. But if you go to espresso yourself, you won't find any famous fictional characters, only fictional coffee listeners. Did you get the answer? If not, don't let it get you down. In a hundred years, nobody will remember if you got this right or wrong. Probably. Well, we'll have to wait 100 years to find out. To kill time. Until then, let's play our main game. Today's main game is about beverages that truly stretch the limits of what can be considered coffee. I'm talking about the Starbucks secret menu, an unofficial compendium of unholy concoctions that are technically available in America's most inescapable coffee chain. Named after a literary character who's not even the star of the book. He's a minor character in Moby Dicks, but they named a coffee chain after him.

[Devin Tory Bryant]

It's incredible.

[Elliot Kaelin]

But I guess you're not going to go to coffee chain called Moby Dicks. Pequods or Pequods. No, actually I go to Quads.

[Devin Tory Bryant]

Pequod sounds pretty good.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Pequod sounds good. Yeah.

[Devin Tory Bryant]

That's actually a pizza shop in Chicago. That's by the by.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That doesn't make any sense. Pequod should be a coffee shape place. Moby Dick should be a pizza place.

[Devin Tory Bryant]

I know.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Starbucks should be a bank. Now, the secret menu isn't an innovation from the Starbucks corporation, but from its fans. That's right. There are Starbucks Die Hards who were not sated by a Venti salted caramel cold brew and started swapping ideas for special drinks they could request on online message boards made from the various powders and syrups behind the typical Starbucks counter. Some of these drinks became so popular that if you found a barista who was in the know, you could request them by name. So here's the game. I'm going to name five beverages. Three of them are real secret menu items. Two of them are not. It's your job to tell me which are real and which are completely made up. And those beverages are. Pop it, Alien Refresher, Barbie, Frappuccino, Finding Nemoca, and Medicine Ball. Again, your options are Popeye Tea, Alien Refresher, Barbie, Frappuccino, Finding Neemoca, and Medicine Ball. Which of these is on the real secret menu and which are not. Are you ready to make your order? Well, hold your horses. I'm on my coffee break while we hear this word from our sponsor. Finding a therapist online is hard enough, but finding one who actually takes your insurance, that's even harder. Ruala is a healthcare company that makes accessing affordable, high quality mental health care easier. They partner with over 100 insurance plans and match users with licensed in network therapists and psychiatrists nationwide based on their goals, preferences and background. No long wait lists, no frustrating back and forth, just personalized care that fits. Plus, Rula sticks with you throughout your journey, checking in to make sure your care is helping you move forward. Appointments are often available as soon as tomorrow and with most patients paying just $15 per session, sometimes even less, it's care that actually fits your budget too. Thousands are already using Rula for therapy that's high quality, accessible and covered by Insurance. Visit rula.com clueless to get started. After signing up, you'll be asked how you heard about them. Let them know this show sent you there. That's r u l a.com clueless because mental health care should work with you, not against your budget.

[Jeff Bridges]

Morning Zoe. Got donuts.

[Dana]

Jeff Bridges why are you still living above our garage?

[Jeff Bridges]

Well, I dig the mattress and I want to be in a T Mobile commercial like you teach me.

[Dana]

So Dana oh no, I'm not really prepared. I couldn't possibly AT T Mobile get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them. It's designed to be the most powerful iPhone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.

[Jeff Bridges]

Wow, impressive. Let me try. T Mobile is the best place to get iPhone 17 Pro because they've got the best network.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Nice.

[Dana]

Jeffrey, you heard them.

[Jeff Bridges]

T Mobile is the best place to.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Get the new iPhone 17 Pro on.

[Jeff Bridges]

Us with eligible traded in any condition. So what are we having for lunch?

[Dana]

Dude, my work here is done.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

The 24 month credit is on experience beyond for well qualified customers plus tax and $35 device connection charge credit send and balance due. If you pay off earlier, Cancel Finance agreement. IPhone 17 Pro 256 gigs $1099.99 and new line minimum 100 plus a month plan with auto PayPal taxes and fees required. Best mobile network in the US based on analysis by Ooklab speed test intelligence data 1H 2025 visit t mobile.com I.

[Devin Tory Bryant]

Don'T mean to interrupt your meal, but I love Geico's fast and friendly claim service.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

Well, that's how Geico gets 97% customer satisfaction.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, I'LL let you get back to your food.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

So are you just gonna watch me eat?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Get more than just savings. Get more with Geico. Welcome back to Smartler's Business. Clueless, the puzzle podcast that likes its coffee like it likes its breakfast cereal, with milk and little marshmallows shaped like shamrocks. It's time to find out which of these made up drinks are real and which of these made up drinks are made up again. Your choices were. Pop It, Alien Refresher, Barbie Frappuccino, Finding Nemocha, and Medicine Ball. Now, are you ready for the answers? Have you had your coffee? Take a sip. Okay, I'm gonna tell you the answers now. Popeye Tea is real. A Popeye Tea is unsweetened iced green tea with one scoop of matcha powder. Not quite spinach in a cup, but as close to a vegetable as you'll get at Starbucks. So I guess it counts as health food. Enjoy it. It'll make you super strong. And then you can beat up Bluto. Alien Refresher is fake. Aliens don't go to Starbucks. Which is ironic since Starbucks sounds like a money used by aliens. Barbie Frappuccino is real. The Barbie Frappuccino is a vanilla bean Frappuccino with half and half instead of milk. Three pumps of vanilla syrup, two pumps of strawberry puree, and dragon fruit blended until it's hot pink with whipped cream on top. No, thank you. That's all I have to say about that.

[Devin Tory Bryant]

Oh, my God.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That is. That is. My immediate response is not for me. Nope, Finding Neemoka is fake. This is not real. But if it was, it would probably be an iced mocha with a shot of fish oil. Delicious. And finally, Medicine Ball is real. A medicine ball is a venti cup with one bag of Jade Citrus Mint Tea and one bag of Peach Tranquility Tea. Then filled with half hot water and half steamed lemonade, adding a dash of honey and a pump of peppermint syrup. It supposedly has healing properties. In laboratory tests, it's proved to be a cure for not drinking weird coffee. Well, listeners, how did you do? Did you get all the answers right? If so, give yourself a high five. Heck, give yourself a high ten if you've got enough fingers. We're out of time. But before we go, I'd like to thank you for listening and for always being there when this show needed a shoulder to cry on.

[Devin Tory Bryant]

And I'd like to remind the listener that our all new Clueless season two is coming very soon.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's right. Season two is coming. Your way. But first, we'll be back next week with more Smartless presents Clueless. Until then, I'm your host, Elliot Kaelin, reminding you that. I'm your host, Elliot Kaelin, reminding you that I'm your host, Elliot Kaelin, reminding. I'm sorry, I think I had a little bit too much coffee.

[Devin Tory Bryant]

Clueless, you have been listening to Smartless presents Clueless, a Smartless Media production in association with SiriusXM. Your host is Elliot Kaelin, who also writes our scripts. Your producer, editor and engineer is Devin Tory Bryant, who is me. I also write all the music and sound effects. Today's puzzles were written by Josh Richmond. Executive producers are Elliot Kaelin, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminski. Remember to follow, subscribe, rate and review the show. It really helps. That's all for now. We will see you again for more.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Crew, less.

[Jeff Bridges]

Smart.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Bless me.

[Dunkin' Influencer]

Hey, what's up, subscribers? Welcome back to the channel. So which variety of Dunkin at Home coffee is your fave? Original blend, French vanilla or hazelnut? Drop a comment.

[Elliot Kaelin]

What are you?

[Dunkin' Influencer]

Oh, this is what I do when I'm home alone.

[Dana]

Drink Dunkin' Original Blend or pretend you're an influencer?

[Dunkin' Influencer]

Eh, both. Want a cup? Hey, let's do a taste test for the audience.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay, how's this?

[Dana]

The rich, smooth taste of Dunkin at Home is unmatched.

[Dunkin' Influencer]

Nice. You're a natural.

[Devin Tory Bryant]

The home with Dunkin's where you want to be.