209 - A Hello To Arms/Odd One Out (w/ Janet Varney and John Hodgman)

Summary

Podcast Summary: SmartLess Presents ClueLess

Episode 209 – "A Hello To Arms/Odd One Out"

Guests: Janet Varney, John Hodgman
Host: Elliott Kalan
Date: January 5, 2026
Podcast Length: 10–12 minutes (core content, excluding ads)

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Episode Overview

This lively episode of SmartLess Presents ClueLess features guests Janet Varney (actor, podcaster, SF Sketchfest co-founder) and writer/comedian John Hodgman joining host Elliott Kalan. The episode’s main theme is a set of clever wordplay and logic puzzles, focused around public domain trivia, acronyms, and word patterns. The puzzles spark quick-witted banter and comedic detours, making it as entertaining as it is brain-tickling. Varney and Hodgman’s chemistry shines as they solve Elliott’s original conundrums—with plenty of side jokes and memorable moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. SF Sketchfest Promotion & Guest Introductions

[01:23–03:58]

• Elliott welcomes Janet Varney and lightheartedly bumbles her introduction (“Janet… It's pronounced Jenny!” — Janet, [01:41]).
• Janet describes the upcoming 23rd SF Sketchfest, plugging shows like SmartLess, Bad Dates, Staying Alive, celebrity tributes, and “Mark Mothersbaugh with a red room orchestra” ([02:35]).
• John Hodgman jumps in to promote their podcast, E Pluribus Motto, and jokes:
  • "Once in real life, a bully of mine. But we’ve since buried the hatchet" — Elliott [03:14]
  • "I was your meta bully. My game was I was a nerd bullying another nerd… until I realized there’s really no difference between meta bullying and actual bullying." — John [04:15]
• The crew reminisces about a playful “shoe throwing incident,” highlighting the blurred line between meta comedy and real feelings ([05:05]).

2. Public Domain Puzzle — Opening Conundrum

[00:24–08:14]

• Elliott sets up the initial challenge: What links The Maltese Falcon, The Little Engine that Could, Animal Crackers, Georgia on My Mind, and Blondie?
  • "They're all from 1930 but that's not the connection I'm looking for." — Elliott [00:24]
• After some dead-end guesses and a comic Peter Lorre impression ("I think I can. I think I can..." — Elliott [07:02]), Elliott reveals the twist:
  • The Answer: All works entered the public domain in 2026.
  • “You can finally make a horror movie version of The Maltese Falcon... or Blondie... that's right, they're all in the public domain.” — Elliott [07:44]
• The group riffs on horror mashups: "Murder on the Little Engine that Could" (John, [08:14]), "Abraham Lincoln vs Animal Crackers" (Janet, [08:19]).

3. Game 1: A Hello To Arms

[10:02–16:14]

• Introduction: A wordplay game where answers include “ARM” in consecutive letters (ex: farmer).
• Notable banter:
  • “Do no farm first.” — John [11:01]
  • “Take that armor off. You're among friends. That's emotional armor.” — Janet [12:16]
• Sample Clues & Answers:
  • Something you wear: “Charm bracelet” (plus “armor” and “garment” accepted).
  • Animal with a leathery shell: “Armadillo” ([12:42])
  • What you should do before exercise: “Warmup” ([13:22])
  • Blues harp: “Harmonica” ([13:50])
  • Meat dish from a spit: “Shawarma” ([14:29])
  • Who Cinderella met at the ball: "Prince Charming" (joke: "Prince Dan Charming," [14:48])
  • Jewish boy’s 13th birthday: “Bar Mitzvah” (riffed comically as “barm,” [15:05])
  • Almost an accident: "Near miss" ([15:26])
  • Baloney with a first and last name: “Oscar Mayer” ([15:46])
  • Falling stock prices: “Bear market” ([15:57])
• The duo achieves a perfect score: “You got every single question right. That’s 10 out of 10.” — Elliott [15:58]

4. Game 2: Odd One Out

[17:43–27:09]

• Scenario: The original members of the boy band O Town are each bringing extra items to Disney’s Haunted Mansion. Which is the odd one in each group, and why?
• Notable exchanges:
  • “[Dan’s] not going to be able to bring the one thing that doesn’t have pockets. A mirror.” — Janet ([19:41])
• Sample Rounds & Solutions:
  1. Mirror, pool table, kangaroo, jeans: "Mirror" (no pockets; the rest have them).
  2. Pickle, banana, macadamia nut, calamari: "Pickle" (the others have three "A"s, [21:38]).
  3. Hornet, net, rocket, pin: "Pin" (the rest are NBA teams: Hornets, Rockets, Nets, [22:46]).
  4. Marker, billfold, basket, tomahawk: "Basket" (the others are common first names: Mark, Bill, Tom, [23:23]).
  5. Laser, radar gun, care package, meat: "Meat" (the rest are acronyms/initialisms: LASER, RADAR, CARE, [26:12]).
• Players use the “Sean Hayes rule”—if you guess right, you still get the point, even if you don't know why ([21:20]).

5. Mega Clue & Wrap-Up

[27:00–28:59]

• Final Puzzle: What links the items eliminated in the Odd One Out game? (Mirror, pickle, pin, basket, meat.)
  • “Can you add ‘ball’ to all of them?” — John [27:56]
  • Mirrorball, pickleball, pinball, basketball, meatball.
  • Elliott: “They left behind their balls. This is a family podcast. We’ll just move on…” ([27:58])
• Playful prize fake-out: “If you did as well... you’ve won an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii—all the expenses paid by you.” ([17:43])
• Elliott’s sign-off: “I don’t enter the public domain until the year 2077. Can’t wait to see what you do with me then.” ([28:59])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On “meta” bullying:
  • "My game was I was a nerd bullying another nerd... until I realized there's really no difference between meta bullying and actual bullying." — John Hodgman [04:15]
• Peter Lorre impression (as The Little Engine That Could):
  • “I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.” — Elliott [07:02]
• “Sean Hayes Rule” of trivia:
  • "If you get the answer right but don’t know why, you still get the point." — Elliott [21:20]
• Wordplay and rapid-fire riffs:
  • "Take that armor off. You're among friends. That's emotional armor." — Janet [12:16]
  • "Can you add 'ball' to all of them?" — John [27:56]
  • "They left behind their balls. This is a family podcast." — Elliott [27:58]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:24] — Opening puzzle: Public domain works conundrum
• [01:23] — Janet Varney SF Sketchfest tribute and Hodgman introduction
• [05:05] — Elliott and John's "shoe incident" and meta bullying
• [07:44] — Public domain answer revealed
• [10:02] — Game 1: A Hello To Arms
• [14:29] — Shawarma (Middle Eastern dish clue)
• [15:46] — Oscar Mayer (baloney clue)
• [17:43] — Game 2: Odd One Out
• [19:41] — “Mirror” and the pocketless odd item joke
• [21:20] — The Sean Hayes trivia rule explained
• [22:46] — Pin is not an NBA team
• [23:23] — Names in "marker, billfold, basket, tomahawk"
• [26:12] — "Meat" not being an acronym
• [27:56] — "Can you add 'ball' to all of them?" Mega clue solved
• [28:59] — Elliott's public domain sign-off

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Overall Tone & Style

Cheeky, fast-paced, and playful, filled with puns and good-natured ribbing. The trio demonstrates camaraderie and quick comedic timing, making the puzzle challenges as fun as they are challenging. The spirit is collaborative, and even “wrong” answers inspire laughter rather than embarrassment. The podcast’s signature is brainy comedy—a treat for word-lovers and trivia fans alike.

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Takeaway

ClueLess episode 209 is a sharp, pun-filled romp through clever puzzles, delivered with warmth and wit by Elliott Kalan, Janet Varney, and John Hodgman. Whether you’re in it for the brain teasers, the jokes, or the pop culture riffs, this episode is a top-tier example of what makes ClueLess such a smart and enjoyable listen.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Smart. Bless. Meow.

[C]

If I had to name my favorite time period, it would definitely be the past. The future is so smug. It's so full of itself. The present is, let's face it, kinda dumb. But the past is relaxing because you already know how it turns out. So I like to surround myself with things that remind me of the past. Old books, dinosaurs, the Emperor Justinian. Recently, I found some old things and I realized they all had something in common, but I didn't know what. They're the books. The Maltese Falcon and the Little Engine that Could, the Marx Brothers movie Animal Crackers, the. The song Georgia on My Mind, and the comic strip character Blondie. Can you tell me what each of these things has in common? And I know you're about to say they were all introduced in 1930. That's true, but that's not the connection I'm looking for. What is? Listen to find out. This is Clueless.

[A]

Clueless.

[C]

Clueless.

[A]

I'm Clueless.

[C]

Welcome to Smartless Presents. Clueless, the puzzle podcast that's as lovely as a tree. Ha. Take that, poetry. I'm your host, Elliot Kaelin. Please don't tap on the glass. It only riles me up. And today we're joined by actress, podcaster, co founder of the San Francisco Sketch Fest, and the first Janet we've ever had on the show, Janet Varney. Thanks for joining us, Janet. As our first Janet.

[A]

Thank you. It's actually pronounced Jenny.

[C]

Oh. Oh, wow. This is gonna really fall in.

[A]

I'm sure you've had one on the show before.

[C]

Yeah, we have had a genie of. I ruined your whole intro.

[A]

Did you see how that happened? I'm sorry.

[C]

Terrible, terrible. I apologize. That's on me. That's on me.

[B]

Throw it out. Start over.

[C]

Thank you so much for being here with us. San Francisco Sketchfest is a amazing. It's probably the best comedy festival there is in the entire United States of America, if not the world. My podcast, the Flophouse, has performed there. We'll be performing there again this year. Who else is going to be at the Sketchfest? Tell us a little bit about it.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. Well, this will be our 23rd annual Sketchfest. We are looking at some. I'm gonna get right out in front of it and say we've got three amazing Smartless podcasts coming. I just wanna put that out there right now, in case we run out of time, we've got I need you guys. We've got bad dates and we've got Staying Alive. These are killer podcasts.

[C]

We also have two great shows.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And then we have tributes to, I don't know, maybe the women of snl, maybe Elizabeth Banks, maybe Randall park, maybe we have Mark Mothersbaugh coming with a red room orchestra.

[C]

Really?

[A]

It's going to be a phenomenal festival. We also have a little pod, John Hodgman. And I'd like to call.

[B]

Well, I haven't been introduced yet, so I'd like to.

[A]

Like to call.

[B]

I can't say it, Jenny.

[C]

All right, obviously, bring me on and I'll bring.

[B]

And I'll say it.

[C]

Obviously setting up an amazing entry for John Hodgman for me to say, John Hodgman is here too. But instead of doing that, I will. Then I will give him the. I'll give him the formal honors.

[B]

The Pluribus motto.

[D]

There he is.

[C]

That is John Hodgman, author, podcaster. Once in real life, a a bully of mine. But we've since buried the hatchet in our now friends, John Hodgman. Say again the name of that podcast that you two do.

[B]

Oh, you need it again for the podcast. All right. E Pluribus Motto Motto. Motto Motto. Hi, it's me, John Hodgman, the first John Hodgman you've had on Smartless Presents Clueless. That's Richard and the co host of E Pluribus Motto on the Maximum Fund Network with Janet Varney. We're doing a live show at SF Sketch Fest, one of the hardest and best comedy festivals to say out loud. Almost as hard to say as Judge John Hodgman, which I will also be performing at SF Sketchfest in January.

[C]

So if you're going to be in the San Francisco area during Sketchfest, or even if not, airplanes exist and you can take them to San Francisco. They have an airport. Now please go see those shows and attend that festival.

[B]

But can I just say one other thing?

[C]

Yes, you personally indicating a different thing, but you can say the thing you're gonna say.

[B]

Yeah, well, you wanna move on and I wanna stay mired. Only to say, do you love the past? First I'll say E Pluribus Motto is the new podcast that Janet Varney and I co host. It's all about the mottos of the state's commonwealth territories and. And districts of these for now United States, including information on official state mammals, snacks, birds, monsters and more. And we have a lot of fun doing it. And our show at SF Sketch Fest will have a very special SF sketch guest in the person of Adam Savage, San Francisco's own. And second, Elliot, I was not your bully. I was your meta bully. My game was I was a nerd bullying another nerd on the set of the Daily show until I realized that there's really no difference between meta bullying and actual bullying.

[C]

The thin screen made you feel bad.

[B]

And I felt bad about it.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. No, we've said it was. The thin membrane of meta comedy between being a bully and a meta bully was punctured by a shoe that I.

[B]

Threw at you through the air.

[C]

A very dramatic shoe throwing incident.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

And I think. And that was when you realized, because you're a wonderful human being with a soul, this is not something I should be doing well.

[B]

I mean, I should have realized it before the shoe left my hand. Instead, I realized it in the middle of the arc of the shoe as it was approaching your shoulder. And I was like, whoa.

[C]

There's something about the trajectory of the shoe that will get across that message to you.

[A]

What did you throw? What did you throw?

[C]

Oh, it's just a shoe.

[B]

A shoe.

[A]

Bless you. Bless you both. That's for the kids out there. Bless you. Cause a shoe sounds like you. Whoo. This is gonna be a long, short episode.

[B]

Now, here's something for the kids out here's something for the kids out there. Six, seven.

[C]

No. You know what? Now, this has been fantastic, but we have episodes to do of this show. Trust me, there's nothing I'd rather do than not work. But my contract states that I must ask you the answer to today's opening question. Earlier, I mentioned five creative works and released in 1930. Would you like me to remind you what they are?

[B]

Blondie was one Maltese Falcon.

[C]

So going in reverse order, the comic character Blondie, the song Georgia on my Mind, the Marx Brothers movie, Animal Crackers, and the books Little engine that could, and the Maltese Falcon, which are kind of the same story when you think about it.

[B]

Wait, what? Right, Right.

[C]

So what do they all have in common? All of these works released in 1930.

[B]

Also star Peter Lorre.

[A]

Post punk, CBGB bands. I saw a killer Maltese Falcon reunion.

[B]

Tour that was a little good, but Maltese Falcon.

[C]

I want to take a moment. Those are both great answers that are not true, but are very funny. But I want to take a moment to do my impression now of Peter Lorre as the little engine that could. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. That would be Peter Lauriacy, A Little Engine.

[A]

That could be spot on.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

You know what? We should stop recording now because it's not going to get better than that. No, that was it. Leave him wanting more.

[C]

I'll give you just a couple more seconds to think about it.

[B]

Or leave him wanting less. Clueless. Specifically, Georgia On My Mind.

[A]

Blondie, Animal Crackers. Want to Falcon.

[B]

Georgia On My Mind. Oh, wait a minute. Well, I think Georgia on My Mind was written by Hoagie Carmichael.

[C]

Yes, I believe it was. You know why?

[A]

Because we talked about that on an episode of E. Pluribus Motto.

[B]

That's right, our Georgia episode.

[A]

Great plug. And yet that is not. That has nothing to do with what the answer is, is my guess.

[C]

No. And in fact, I don't think you're gonna get the answer, so I'm gonna give it to you anyway. Would you like to know what it is? Please. Because all of these things were released in 1930. That means they all entered the public domain this year. That's right. This episode's coming out in early January of 2026. As of this episode, those things are all in the public domain. So you know what? You can finally make a horror movie version of the Maltese Falcon or a horror movie version of Blondie, or a horror movie version of the song Georgia on My Mind. Unfortunately, nobody has discovered what you can do with public domain things without making besides making horror movies out of them.

[B]

To dust off my screenplay for Murder on the Little Engine that Could, Abraham.

[A]

Lincoln versus Animal Crackers.

[C]

You can finally do it. They're both in the public domain.

[B]

All right, that sounds great.

[C]

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It's delicious.

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[D]

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[C]

Listeners. Did you get the answer? If not, that's okay. Right and wrong are just subjective concepts like right and left. And now that we've left that question behind us. Segue. Let's go right to our first game. It's called A hello to Arms.

[E]

Farm and alarm are words that have their charms. But now it's time to play A hello to Arms.

[C]

That's right. It's a play on A Farewell to Arms. And there's nothing Ernest Hemingway can do about it because A Farewell to Arms entered the public domain last year. Thank you. Public domain. So much better than the private domain. Just 100 times better. In this game, I'll be giving you a list of clues. The answer to each one is a word or phrase that contains the word arm. That is the letters A, R, M in consecutive order. So, for example, this is just the example 1. If I said a person who grows crops, the answer would be.

[A]

Farmer.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

I was gonna say the same thing.

[C]

Farmer. Yes. Now, this is a.

[B]

What is the Hippocratic oath, Elliot?

[C]

Do no farm first.

[B]

Do no farm first.

[A]

Do no farm first.

[C]

Do no farm. Yep. That's right. This is a cooperative game, so please feel free to talk out your answers with each other. Work together as a team. So, arm. You ready?

[A]

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

[B]

Yes, I arm.

[C]

So let's start with the first one. First question is something you wear. What's a word for something you wear that has arm in it?

[B]

A good luck charm.

[A]

Oh. Do you wear a good luck charm? Give us five minutes, Elliot. I really want to find this out.

[C]

Arm. Arm.

[B]

Arm. No, I don't have a good luck charm.

[C]

Arms.

[A]

I wear arms. I wear my arms every time.

[B]

I wear arm sleeves.

[C]

I don't think I could accept arm sleeves. There's a couple words that I get that I would accept for this, but I don't think that's one of them.

[A]

I like charms a lot. Again, that is something that a lot of young people are enjoying. The charms are back.

[C]

Well, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. This is not the original answer, but what is something that you would wear that has charms on it? A bracelet. So, yeah, put those words together.

[B]

A charm bracelet.

[C]

Yeah, I'll give you that. I could also accept. I would also accept it. Armor or garment?

[A]

Take that armor off. You're among friends. That's emotional armor.

[B]

It's a long time since I wore my mark V John Hodgman armor.

[C]

Oh, the Mark V was the silver and red armor.

[B]

The silver centurion armor. Yeah, always. It was malfunctioning.

[C]

Question number two. This one there is only one answer for, so I cannot allow you any leeway. Animal with a leathery shell and sharp claws.

[A]

Armadillo.

[B]

Armadillo.

[C]

You got it. Armadillo. Question three. What you should do before heavy exercise.

[A]

First do no arm wrestling.

[C]

I don't know why.

[A]

First do know is set. I'm setting everything up.

[B]

Arm day.

[A]

Don't skip arm day. Stretch. Stretch arms.

[B]

Right. What do you actually do, Janet? Barney, I'm a sedentary person, bro.

[A]

I carbo. Load obvi.

[B]

You carmbolo? I carmbolo.

[C]

Carmbolo. Stretching could be considered part of a. What?

[B]

Oh, you know what I do? Listen to some music.

[A]

Warm up.

[C]

That's right, Warm up.

[B]

I was gonna say I listened to some music by Carmen Miranda.

[A]

I listened to a podcast of yours produced by Jennifer Marmer.

[B]

That's right, the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

[C]

I will accept warmup. The other ones are a little too specific. I don't expect the audiences to get those.

[B]

Why didn't I get that one? Should have gotten that one.

[C]

Question number four. Instrument. This is a musical instrument also known as a blues harp.

[B]

Harmonica.

[A]

Harmonica.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Exactly. Harmonica first.

[A]

You know, harmonica.

[B]

Wow. That is. That.

[C]

I mean, not if you're Bob Dylan.

[B]

Yeah, I know. I was going to say blues Traveler. Didn't get that lesson.

[C]

It reminds me of a. Of a. This is something that Devin can cut out. But I want to tell you guys, because it's just now in my head is watching a movie last night in which William H. Macy plays the harmonica. And I turned to my wife and I said, and he really can play the harmonica because he did it in a jeans commercial years ago.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Amazing.

[C]

Number 5. Middle Eastern dish of meat sliced from a spit. You know this one?

[A]

Shawarma.

[C]

Shawarma, Exactly. Very good. We're halfway Through. There's just five more clues in this game.

[A]

Give us those bottom five.

[C]

Elliot, here are the bottom five. These might be a little harder. Okay. Okay. Who Cinderella met at the ball. Can you tell me who Cinderella met at the ball?

[B]

Dan. No, his name is Prince Dan.

[A]

Prince Dan Charming.

[B]

Prince Dan Charming.

[A]

Prince Daniel Von Charming.

[C]

I forgot that Prince Charming. His first name is Dan.

[A]

So let's never forget.

[C]

Next celebration for a Jewish boy's 13th birthday. Exactly. You figured out we both do that.

[A]

We both turned it into barm. I guess you have to because we have impeccable.

[C]

For the arm thing.

[B]

We have impeccable comedic instincts.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

You can't peck it. Can't peck our instincts.

[A]

Trust.

[C]

Instincts cannot be pecked. Try it.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

Do it right. This is. This clue might be a little bit more difficult. It was almost an accident, but it.

[A]

Wasn'T a near miss.

[C]

Oh, wow. You got that one so fast.

[A]

I. I think I thought I was making a joke. And it turned out to be the right.

[C]

And it turned out to be the answer. Elliot, you'll get this one. You'll get this one. And now watch. You won't get it. Baloney. With a first name and a last name.

[B]

Oscar Meyer.

[C]

You're right. Oscar Meyer. The AR and the M are split apart again. And finally, period of falling stock prices and low confidence.

[B]

A bear market.

[C]

Very good. Bear market. You did fantastic, both of you. You got every single question Right. That's 10 out of 10.

[B]

Good for us.

[A]

Well, we both put on our arms this morning as we always wear our arms.

[B]

That's right. We put on our thinking arms.

[A]

We did put on our thinking arms.

[C]

You did. And they thought real.

[D]

Choose to lean into it. Every Mazda is engineered to give you effortless control.

[C]

Awake up.

[A]

Oh, could this vintage store be any cuter?

[C]

Right.

[A]

And the best part, they accept Discover. Except Discovery in a little place like this. I don't think so, Jennifer. Oh, yeah, huh? Discover is accepted where I like to shop. Come on, baby. Get with the times. Right. So we shouldn't get the parachute pants. These are making a comeback, I think.

[B]

Discover is accepted at 99% of places.

[C]

That take credit cards nationwide, based on the February 2025 Nielsen report.

[D]

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[C]

Listeners at home? Did you do as well as Janet and John? If so, you've won an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii. Specifically, all the expenses will be paid by you. Be generous to yourself. You earned it. You deserve this. And while you're booking that trip, we'll move on to our next game. It's my son's favorite game. It's Odd One Out.

[A]

Odd One Out?

[D]

Which one's the odd one out?

[A]

Get out.

[C]

Today's Odd One out is about the original members of the band O Town, which I assume stands for Odd One Out Town. It seems they've gotten together to go to Disney World in their hometown of Orlando. Maybe that's what the O stands for. They are queuing up for the Haunted Mansion when they realize they've each brought one too many things and will have to leave something behind before getting on the ride. I'll tell you what each person brought. You tell me which item is the odd one out and why, or you ready? That's R, starting with an O.

[B]

Absolutely not. No. How much of this relies on our knowledge of the band O Town?

[C]

Zero percent.

[B]

Okay, good. Yes. That's a big O there.

[A]

This is our opportunity to get to know them. We're gonna find out what their likes and dislikes, what their quirks and foibles are. Why did they bring the thing? I'm sure we'll delve into all of that.

[B]

Channon Berg has been trying to turn our podcast E Pluribus Motto into an O Town tribute podcast for a long time.

[A]

Oh, Pluribus motto. So easy.

[C]

Oh, Pluribus motto.

[B]

Oh, Pluribus Mato.

[C]

Pluribus Mato Town.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

So let's start with number one, Odd one Out, Dan, who is apparently a member of O Town. Dan brought a mirror, a pool table, a kangaroo, and a pair of jeans. Which of those items does not belong with the others and why?

[B]

A mirror at the Haunted Mansion in particular or just in general?

[C]

Just in. Just as it is. Just as it is.

[B]

Okay, so ignore the whole setup.

[C]

I think I know it's just a little bit of filigree.

[B]

Janet, Barney, I'm out here working the ref so that you can actually figure it out.

[A]

Well, first of all, I want to see teamwork. Shout out to Dan Charming for getting out of the palace and getting over to the Haunted Mansion for a change. What a treat he's going to have. Unfortunately, he's not going to be able to bring the one thing that doesn't have pockets. A mirror.

[C]

Exactly right. The mirror does not have pockets. But a pool table, a kangaroo, and a pair of jeans. They do have pockets. Very good. Very good.

[B]

Also, you're not allowed to. One thing they all have in common is you're not allowed to bring them into the haunted mansion.

[C]

I mean, you could wear a pair. Bring a pair of jeans if you're wearing.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you're right.

[C]

That's right. But a kangaroo.

[B]

Sorry, I only go to the haunted mansion on formal nights, so I forgot about that.

[A]

You guys, have you ever had a chance to go to, like, an animal wildlife sanctuary and see a baby pool table inside of the little pocket of the pool table?

[C]

They're so cute. Sounds so adorable. Sounds adorable. Question number two. Trevor brought a pickle, a banana, a macadamia nut, and calamari. Which can he not bring in because it's the odd one out.

[B]

A pickle, a banana.

[C]

A pickle, a banana, a macadamia nut, and calamari.

[B]

My first thought, Janet, was like, you can fry a pickle and you can fry calamari, but I don't think you can. Can you fry. Well, you can fry a banana, not deep fry it, but in bananas Foster, it is flambeed.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

My concern is that they can all.

[B]

Be flambed except for the macadamia nut.

[A]

I think you could. I think you could flambe all of them. I'm gonna go ahead and say I can't imagine that's it. I'm worried about people's allergies. I'm concerned that people may have calamari or macadamia nut allergies, but I think pickles and bananas tend to be more.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, but we can only pick one.

[A]

Calamari, banana, pickle, and macadamia.

[C]

Would you like a hint or not? Hint.

[B]

Before you give us a hint, let me ask you this question. We have a 25% chance of getting it right. If we get it right and we don't know why, does it still count?

[C]

Precedent has been set. We call it the Sean Hayes exception. That if you get the answer right but don't know why it's the right answer you do still get the point is still considered a correct answer.

[B]

Thank you, Sean Hayes. And so we have a backup plan.

[A]

I don't think we're gonna need it.

[C]

He was very adamant that he should still get the credit, even if he didn't know why he was a fighter.

[A]

He's a fighter. Yeah, he's a fighter.

[C]

He is.

[A]

I don't know if we're gonna need it. I wrote these down and I'm looking at them and I see three words that all have a trio of A's separated by other letters. But I don't see that in pickle.

[B]

That's smart, because Orlando is also has O and O at the front and the back. Banana snackademia.

[C]

You're overthinking it, John. You're overthinking it. Janet, you got it exactly right. The answer is pickle. The others all have three A's in them. But, John, you're. You're stretching for more information than we need. Orlando is unreliable.

[A]

I also did 10 vigorous, and this is true jumping jacks before we started recording. Because I was in again a blind panic about the fact that I had just awakened and knew I had to do trivia. So I'm Gary Warning.

[C]

Blood flowing to your brain.

[B]

I've never been happier to be on the east coast, honestly. At least Eastern time zone.

[C]

Question number three, Eric Michael brought a hornet, a net, a rocket, and a pin. A hornet, a net, a rocket, and a pin.

[B]

A hornet, a net, a rocket, and a pimp.

[C]

Like a pin, like a button, or, you know, something that sticks.

[B]

One of these is not the name of a basketball team.

[C]

Sports Maniac John Hodgman gets it again. That's right.

[B]

Get it right. The Charlotte Hornets, the Houston Rockets, and the Brooklyn Nets, I believe are the three sports teams.

[C]

Excellent job. That's exactly right. That is the only one that is not the name of a an NBA team. Moving on. Jacob brought a marker, a billfold, a basket, and a tomahawk.

[A]

I know what it is. I knew what it was the second you finished the word tomahawk. There's.

[C]

What is it?

[A]

Names at the beginning of each one of those words.

[B]

A billfold.

[C]

You're exactly right. Mark in marker, bill in billfold, Tom and Tomahawk. I don't know anyone named Bass or Basque. I know Bossk the bounty hunter from Empire Strikes Back. John, you know what I'm talking about. He's a Trandoshan. He was a reptile man. But I don't know anyone named Bass or Bass. I mean, there's. I guess there's Bass Reeves, the famous lawman, but he spelled it with two S's. So, yes, you're exactly right. The point is, you got the answer right. The answer is Vasquez.

[A]

Don't talk Yourself out of it, Elliot.

[C]

I don't know why I'm cutting the game. And finally, for this game, Ashley brought a laser, a radar gun, a care package, and meat. A laser, A radar gun.

[B]

Radar.

[C]

A care package and meat.

[B]

And meat.

[A]

Laser.

[B]

Meat. Meat, Obviously, yes, Meat. The noun.

[A]

Laser, Radar, Care package for some. This is where I do go down the. If I don't know it right away, then I do start to worry. Why did you bring a laser? Why radar? What's in the care package? Meat, obviously. You might get hungry.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, it's true that a radar gun, a laser and meat is my favorite care package.

[A]

All I know is that the letter A exists in all of these and is being used in all its forms. All the different ways you could hear the letter A said, ah, A.

[C]

It is the beautiful rainbow of a sound. Yeah, it's all in there. Yeah.

[A]

Again, that kid.

[C]

All right, I'm going to.

[B]

I gotta tell you, I'm stumped. Is there a hint available?

[A]

Yeah, let's hint.

[C]

Actually, here's. It's about the words rather than the objects, right? There's something that is. There's something that's like tomahawk and billfold.

[B]

Those are the words.

[C]

There's something similar between these three names that one of them does not have.

[B]

Oh, okay, I got you. Oh, well, wait a minute. So laser and radar are both initialisms, I believe, but care package and M, E, A, T. I mean, you want.

[A]

To say meet just because meat stands out. As you're saying the words aloud, meat feels very different than the others.

[B]

Is there an initialism in meat or care package?

[C]

I think. I think you're heading in the right direction, so you're on the right trail. So I think you should make a choice and then see which one. See if it's the.

[B]

Right now we have a 50, 50 choice.

[C]

Yes, exactly.

[B]

And by the Hayes rule, we might just.

[A]

What are we choosing between? Which two are we choosing between?

[B]

And meat and care package.

[A]

I mean, I feel like care is definitely an acronym. I don't know if all. If it was a package also.

[B]

Yeah, that feels more initialist to me.

[C]

Okay, so.

[B]

Than meat.

[C]

So is your answer meat?

[B]

Chanet.

[A]

Let's go with meat because that was our first weird instinct for no particular reason, too.

[C]

You're right. The answer is meat because the others are all acronyms. Laser stands for light amplification by the stimulated emission of radiation. Radar is radio detection and ranging. And CARE was originally cooperate for American remittances to Europe because it was food deliveries to Europe from America in the 1940s. And now it's. That's one of those things.

[B]

That's where their package comes from.

[C]

Yes, it's a trademark term, but it's just used generically now. Whereas meat, that doesn't stand for anything. It would stand for, like, meat to eat and tummy or something like that. Meat can't have the word meat in it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

For school children everywhere, the meat program could be me. Excellent at tests.

[C]

That's true.

[A]

Just remember, before you take that test, kids, meat.

[C]

Just remember meat, the acronym that undercuts the education.

[A]

Get out.

[C]

Well, you did a great job. You got there. In the end, of course, we brought an extra item to this game. We call it the Mega Clue. Muh. Muh. Mum.

[B]

Mum, mum, mum. Mega Clue.

[C]

Thank you. Appreciate it. It seems that after the band members dropped off their extra stuff, they all chickened out and decided not to ride the Haunted Mansion after all. I get it. That place is full of ghosts. It's right in the name, you know when you're going in. As they were picking up their left behind items, they realized that these items also had a common theme. And I'm gonna tell you what those items are and you'll tell me what is the common theme. Those items were mirror, pickle, pin, basket, and meat. What do they have in common? Mirror, pickle, pickle, pin, basket, and meat.

[A]

Mirror, pickle, pin, basket.

[B]

I know the answer.

[A]

You do?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

What is it? So you knew the answer until you were asked, what's the answer?

[B]

Can you add ball to all of them?

[C]

Yes. They are all types of ball. Mirror balls, pickleball, pinball, basketball, and meatball. They left behind their balls. This is a family podcast. We'll just move on from that. If you don't sound too good, explore that idea any further. You did a great job. You got everything in these two games. That's wonderful, listeners. Did you do as well as Dan and John in that game? If so, remember what underwear you're wearing today because it's your lucky pair. Actually, you might forget. Just never change them. Always keep them on. And I'm getting the sign from producer Devin that we should wrap up the show. Before I give you any more questionable life advice. Before we go, I'd like to thank Janet, Varney and John. And John. I said John.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

Before we go, I'd like to thank Janet Varney and John Hodgman for being guests who will live on in legend. And I'd like to thank you, the listener, for being an audience that will live on in whatever town you live in right now. Unless you move. Which case, you'll live on there. We'll be back next week with more Smartless Presents Clueless. Until then, I'm your host, Elliot Kaelin, reminding you that I don't enter the public domain until the year 2077. Can't wait to see what you do with me then. Goodbye, everybody.

[B]

Bye, Clueless.

[E]

You have been listening to Smartless presents Clueless, a Smartless Media production in association with Sirius xm. Your host is Elliot Kaelin, who also writes our scripts. Today's contestants were Janet Varney and John Hodgman. Check out their show e Pluribus motto anywhere you get your podcasts. Your producer, editor and engineer is Devin Tory Bryant, who is me. I also write all the music and sound effects. Today's puzzles were written by Jason Reich. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer Matty McCann. Social media producer Tommy Galgano. Executive producers are Elliot Kaelin, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminski. Remember to follow, subscribe, rate and review the show. It really helps. That's all for now. We will see you again for more.

[B]

Smart, less media.

[C]

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[B]

Expired in 2012. Dang it.

[C]

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[B]

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