210 - Take A Wild Guess/Tone Note (w/ Janet Varney and John Hodgman)

Summary

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SmartLess Presents ClueLess

Episode 210 – "Take A Wild Guess/Tone Note"

Guests: Janet Varney & John Hodgman
Host: Elliot Kalan
Release Date: January 12, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this zippy, laughter-filled episode of SmartLess Presents ClueLess, host Elliot Kalan welcomes returning guest duo Janet Varney and John Hodgman—co-hosts of E Pluribus Motto and mainstays of the San Francisco Sketchfest. Together, they face off in two signature ClueLess puzzle rounds: "Take a Wild Guess" and "Tone Note." Bursting with playful banter, surprising trivia, and a flurry of anagrams, this episode deftly blends sharp wit with brainteasing fun.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Welcoming the Guests and Festival Banter

• [01:26] Elliot exuberantly introduces Janet Varney and John Hodgman, promoting their festival, San Francisco Sketchfest, and referencing their podcast E Pluribus Motto.
• The hosts riff about comedy festivals' ethical standards and the longevity and variety of Sketchfest, with John joking about its morality:

  “Not one penny goes to the Saudi government.” – John Hodgman [02:26]

• Janet details festival highlights, including a packed weekend of live SmartLess-related podcasts and guest stars (Jenny Slate, Adam Savage, Joel Kim Booster, others).

2. Getting Personal with Science Trivia

• [00:39 & 05:54] Elliot kicks off with a quirky science question: What percentage of your body mass is oxygen?
  • Janet guesses, “99% air. 99% oxygen.” [06:12]
  • John plays along: “Until I get some Gas-X, I would agree: 99%.” [06:32]
  • Elliot reveals the truth: “The answer is 65%, which is still... more than half of your mass is oxygen. Because we're basically just waterbeds that can talk.” [06:38–06:44]

3. Game 1: Take a Wild Guess

• [08:24] Elliot introduces the guessing game focused on baby name rankings and off-the-cuff persuasion.
• Example puzzles:
  • Ezra and Luna baby name popularity:
    • Janet: “I’m gonna say [number] 45.” [09:58]
    • John: “For some reason...35.” [10:30]
    • Actual answer: “Number 13 on the list.” [10:35]
  • Sara and Amir baby name popularity:
    • John: “I’m gonna say nine.” [11:30]
    • Janet (with dry wit): “I’m gonna say 45. Well, it’s my new unlucky number.” [12:35]
    • Correct answer: “Actually number 95.” [12:43]
  • Both contestants end the round tied with one point each.

4. Game 2: Tone Note (Anagrams Challenge)

• [13:45] Elliot presents a classic ClueLess anagrams game. Each clue’s answer is a two-word anagram pair.

• Example clues and lively exchanges:

  • Q: Someone who can’t stand our planet
    • John: “Earth hater.” [14:43]
  • Q: What astronaut superheroes might wear?
    • John (after much joking): “Space capes.” [15:44]
  • Q: Get up, your majesty
    • Janet (eureka moment): “Rise, sire!” [16:54]
  • Q: An opponent with millions of views on the Internet
    • John: “Viral.” / Janet: “Viral rival.” [17:51]
  • Q: A running contest on a parcel of land measuring 4840 square yards
    • Janet: “Race acre.” [18:14]
  • Q: Most polite bug
    • Janet (after looping attempts): “Nicest insect.” [19:33]
  • Q: A threat to watch out for when working in the yard
    • Janet: “Garden danger.” [19:54]
  • Q: Take a high ranking army officer and make them bigger
    • Elliot hints at “enlarge” / John & Janet: “Enlarge general.” [21:44]

  Episodic banter and collaborative energy are at their peak — the duo often stumbles onto answers by building off of each other's ideas, riffing far beyond the questions.

5. Mega Clue: The Fiendish Finale

• [22:15] The “Mega Clue” requires using the first letters of each prior answer to form another anagram pair based on Elliot’s clue.
  • Letters: E, S, R, V, A, N, G, E
  • Clue: Puts an inscription on a group of superheroes?
  • Janet & John quickly realize: “Engraves Avengers.” [23:22]
  • Evanescent wordplay meets Marvel charm; Elliot quips this would be a disappointing Avengers storyline.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On festival ethics and comedy culture:

  “This is one comedy festival you’re not gonna have to go on an apology tour once you agree to perform there.” – John Hodgman [02:13]

• On popular names:

  “The age of Sarah has ended. This is the age of Luna. The times have changed.” – Elliot Kalan [12:57]

• Anagrams banter:

  Janet: “A kind dink. By the way, we had a real dink.”
  Elliot (delighted by the nonsense): “It’s that time of year when the dinks get in your house.” [18:46–19:00]

• On bantering teamwork:

  “Teamwork. Children should listen to that. To see what it’s like to cooperate and work together.” – Elliot Kalan [17:57]

• On the frustration of anagrams:

  “I like to dance around a thing and never get it. Never touch it.” – Janet Varney [19:17]

• On the show’s surreal close:

  “Before you leave the sweet embrace of Morpheus and we who are but ethereal illusions... melt away in the cruel light of day, I’d like to thank our guests... for being dreams come true...” – Elliot Kalan [23:55]

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Important Game Segments & Timestamps

• [00:39] – Opening science trivia (oxygen in the body)
• [01:26] – [05:54] – Guest introductions & San Francisco Sketchfest plug
• [08:24] – [12:56] – "Take A Wild Guess" game (baby name popularity)
• [13:45] – [22:00] – "Tone Note" (anagrams) and rapid-fire, joke-laden clue solving
• [22:13] – [23:55] – Mega Clue finale: the "Engraves Avengers" reveal

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Tone & Style

The overall spirit is buoyant, silly, and quick-witted, weaving actual trivia with comedic detours and affectionate ribbing between seasoned improvisers. Elliot’s quirky enthusiasm, Janet’s energetic goofiness, and John’s dry, erudite humor create a dynamic, genuinely engaging challenge atmosphere.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

This episode of ClueLess is a perfect showcase of why puzzle podcasts can be so fun even for the non-competitive. There are quick-fire games based on logic, trivia, and language play, layered with sharp asides and in-jokes about comedy, pop culture, and festival camaraderie. If you like your brainteasers with a shot of absurd banter and collaborative, game-show silliness, this is a jam-packed 10 minutes you’ll want to revisit.

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Transcript

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Elliot Kaelin]

Smart.

[John Hodgman]

Bless me.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Listeners. As you know, my name is Elliot. Now, a lot of time people mishear that as element and start asking me what my atomic weight is, which is incredibly rude. The funny thing is, though, ironically, my body is actually full of elements. I'm almost entirely made up of six specific oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, and let's not forget adorable little phosphorus. So here's my question. How close can you get to naming the percentage of my body's mass that oxygen accounts for? Here's a hint. It's the same amount for your body too. So if you don't know, we're both about to learn something very interesting about ourselves. This is Clueless. Clueless. Clueless.

[Janet Varney]

I'm Clueless.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Welcome to Smartless presents Clueless, a puzzle podcast like grandma used to make. I'm your host, Elliot Kaelin, or Nalaik Tutoyl, if you're listening to this in a mirror. And today, once again, we're joined by two amazing guests who make one amazing team. The co hosts of the podcast, E Pluribus Motto, Janet Varney and John Hodgman. Janet, John, welcome back to Clueless. We're so glad to have you back again.

[John Hodgman]

I'm very glad to be back. Speaking only for myself, John Hodgman, I have mixed feelings. Yeah, I had a feeling.

[Janet Varney]

Very mixed feelings.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You are here partly so that we can just bask in your wonderful fun presences, and also partly because you're promoting San Francisco Sketchfest, the greatest comedy festival maybe that there is anywhere ever. Maybe there's one in Thailand I don't know about, but that's better. But I don't know. But this is the best one, I think.

[John Hodgman]

I'll tell you what, this is one comedy festival. You're not gonna have to go on an apology tour once you agree to perform there.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's true. That is a very good point. That is a very good point. The people organizing this festival are not ruthless murderers.

[John Hodgman]

Not one penny goes to the Saudi government.

[Elliot Kaelin]

No, not at all. Oh, now we learn.

[John Hodgman]

Now we find out Co founder of SF Sketches, Janet Varney. Do you have something you want to reveal?

[Janet Varney]

And I can now reveal that 0%. 0%. Just as much as that's like 0% oxygen in our bodies. I can only assume.

[John Hodgman]

Janet, I'll take it from here. As the co founder of San Francisco Sketchfest, I, John Hodgson, can tell you this is our 23rd annual San Francisco Sketch Fest. It goes over about three weeks in January into the very first of February with such incredible presentations as the Women of snl, A Tribute to Mark Mothersbaugh, and I forget what else. Oh, I know. I'll be performing with Jesse Thorne, Judge John Odjman live at Marines Memorial theater, San Francisco, January 18th. And I will also be performing live with Janet Varney at our E Pluribus Motto show on the Saturday the 17th with our very special guest, Adam Savage. And there is so much more, including the Flophouse podcast.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's right. What a coincidence.

[John Hodgman]

Co hosted by Elliot Kaelin himself, the author of Joke Farming.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's true. I am the author of Joke how to Write Comedy and Other Nonsense. It's on store shelves now. But yes, my other podcast, the Flophouse, will be at Sketchfest on January 25th. And I think we're gonna be talking about the movie Master of Disguise, I think is the one that we've settled on.

[Janet Varney]

That's very exciting.

[John Hodgman]

That's Dana Carvey, right?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, there's Dana Carvey. Dana Carvey won't be there. We'll just be talking about a movie that he's in.

[John Hodgman]

But the sky will be full of stars in San Francisco, the City by the Bay, during SS Sketch Fest. Because, and I'll say this, I am not the co founder. Janet Varney is one of the three co founders. But as a mere performer, this is one of my very, very favorite things to do every year. I look forward to it every year. The Sketch Fest, for audiences and performers alike, is a true, true fun delight in San Francisco. And if you're not there, please get there because it's a lot of fun. There's so many things that you can check out and you can check it all [e-mail] Is that correct, Janet?

[Janet Varney]

That is 100%. Thank you so much. 100% correct, John Hodgman. And if you just want to come and see Smartless Podcasts, we've packed three into one specific weekend. As Hodgman said, it runs over three weeks. But you don't have to choose which weekend to come out to see one Smartless Podcast. You can See, I need you guys with Jenny Slate, Gabe Liedman and Max Silvestri. You can see Staying Alive with John Gabris and Adam Pali. You can see Bad Dates with Joel Kim Booster and some phenomenal guests. All of that is the third weekend of Sketchfest, so we're looking at the 29th, 30th, 31st and 1st. That's four days. Four days, everyone. None of several of those shows don't happen on those days. Really. All you need to know is Saturday and Sunday, Saturday, January 31st and February 1st to pack in three amazing smart list podcasts.

[John Hodgman]

You can't spell Saturday and Sunday without S. And that's the first letter in sfsketchfest.com that's true.

[Janet Varney]

And smartless.

[Elliot Kaelin]

If I lived in San Francisco, my whole month would just be going to SF Sketchfest. Unfortunately, I live in Los Angeles, so I'll just be there for the weekend that the flophouse show is happening. That's January 25th.

[John Hodgman]

But hey, I'll tell you something right now, Elliot, I'm an empty nester and I'm unemployed. So I'm just gonna spend the whole all three weeks in San Francisco hanging around.

[Elliot Kaelin]

What a dream. What a dream. That sounds fantastic.

[John Hodgman]

That's terrific.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Before the theme song, I asked you a question about yourselves, but not in a weird way. I don't feel like that question was phrased in a strange or threatening way. Specifically, what percentage of your body mass does oxygen account for? Do you have a guess? Just ballpark it. Just ballpark it. What percentage of your body mass do you think is oxygen?

[Janet Varney]

Well, Elliot, I'm an air sign Aquarius. So everyone knows that depending on which astrological sign you are, very much dictates how much oxygen you have in your body. I am 99% air. 99% oxygen.

[Elliot Kaelin]

99% oxygen. John, would you. Is that an answer that you would like to co sign or.

[Janet Varney]

I can't imagine he will.

[John Hodgman]

Well, I woke up feeling very bloated this morning for some reason and until I get some gas X, I would agree 99%.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay, you both overshot it a little bit. The answer is 65%, which is still.

[John Hodgman]

A lot of oxygen. Well, that's high.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, more than half of your mass oxygen. Because we're basically just waterbeds that can talk. There's so much water in our bodies, we're just water things, you know?

[John Hodgman]

Well, I hear for every molecule of water, there's two molecules of oxygen in there.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Ye.

[John Hodgman]

Two molecules of hydrogen.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Let's do atoms of oxygen.

[John Hodgman]

Whatever it is.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Because it's one atom of hydrogen. It's atoms and molecules. Anyway, we don't have to worry about it.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Elliot Kaelin]

What?

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Elliot Kaelin]

Why?

[Janet Varney]

What's happening?

[Commercial Announcer]

The Walmart Wellness Event. Flu shots, health screenings, free samples from those brands you like.

[Janet Varney]

All that at Walmart.

[Commercial Announcer]

We can just walk right in, no appointment needed. Who knew we could cover our health and wellness needs at Walmart?

[Walmart Announcer]

Check the calendar. Saturday, January 24th.

[Commercial Announcer]

Walmart wellness event. You knew?

[Elliot Kaelin]

I knew.

[Walmart Announcer]

Check in on your health at the same place you already shop. Visit Walmart, Saturday, January 24th for our semi annual wellness event, Flu shots. Object to availability and applicable state law. Age restrictions apply. Free samples while supplies last.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Listeners, did you do as well as our guests? If not, then I have no son. Just kidding. I have two sons, but you're probably not one of them. However, I will still feel pride in your accomplishments and if you win our first game, it's called Take a Wild Guess.

[Producer Devin Tory Bryant]

If you don't know the answer, just do your best.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Get into the ballpark and take a wild guess. Take a Wild Guess is a trivia game that's less about knowing the right answer and more about sounding convincing when you're making stuff up off the top of your head. But it also has to do with percentages. So I hope you enjoy percentages. This is a competitive game, and here's how it works. I'm going to ask you two questions. The answer to each is a number between 1 and 100. One person will try to answer the question by giving it their best guess. Then the other person has to decide whether the right answer is higher or lower than that answer. And the closest to the correct answer gets a point. And if you get it exactly right, or within five, let's say you get a bonus point. Now let's see if what I just told you made any sense at all. We're going to start with Janet as our first player. Yes.

[Janet Varney]

It made 40%. It made 40% sense.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Elliot.

[Janet Varney]

That's my guess.

[John Hodgman]

For me, I can confidently say lower.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's great. Take a While guess. Okay, so first, according to the Social Security Administration, among the top 100 baby names in 2024, the names Ezra for boys and Luna for girls are at the same level of popularity. What number out of the top 100 are those names? Ezra and Luna? In the top 100 baby names of.

[Janet Varney]

2024, Ezra and Luna rank between 1 and 100.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes.

[Janet Varney]

On the 2025 baby names.

[Elliot Kaelin]

2024. This is important for you, by the way.

[Janet Varney]

It does not change my answer in the least. Ezra and Luna. I'm gonna say, gosh, Ezra and Luna. I feel like it's going to be higher than I would imagine, but I don't want to. I don't want to overshoot it. Watchman. I'm going to say 45.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay.

[John Hodgman]

Higher.

[Elliot Kaelin]

And John, you say higher.

[John Hodgman]

That is to say more popular than 45.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's higher on the list. Lower number. What do you think that number is? You want to.

[John Hodgman]

I'm going to say, for some reason it came to mind. 35.

[Elliot Kaelin]

35 is what you said.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Elliot Kaelin]

All right, I'm going to give the point to John Hodgman because he's closer, but you're actually not close enough to get those extra points because it's number 13 on the list. 13. Ezra and Luna were the 13th most popular baby names in 2024, tied for.

[John Hodgman]

13.

[Elliot Kaelin]

But that is one point for John. According to that same list, which I'll remind you, is the 2024100 baby names, Sara and Amir are also at the same level of popularity. What number out of the top 100 are Sara and Amir?

[John Hodgman]

Well, I gotta say, Sarah's gotta be more popular than Luna. And Emhyr is a beautiful name. I knew that Ezra was gonna be more popular than 45 because so many kids are named after Ezra Stiles, the residential college at Yale University.

[Janet Varney]

Well, what could be better than Ezra? Goodbye.

[John Hodgman]

So I'm gonna go lower, but also higher than 13. I'm gonna say nine.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Nine. Okay. Janet, do you think the number. Is it higher or lower than 9?

[Janet Varney]

I'm trying to put in a bunch of data that number one, I don't have number two, I don't really care about number three. I'm always wrong about everything. But that's the data I'm trying to plug in right now.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's called the Clueless. That's called the Clueless? Yeah.

[Janet Varney]

Sarah and Amir are names of people. So many, many Sarahs and so many emirs that that feels like it's part of a different generation. And now that I Know that Ezra and Luna are. Are. Are so popular, it makes me feel like, oh, we're looking at people who don't want to name their kids the most or sort of more conventional names. So I would say, I mean, I know number one. The number one name for 2024. I can imagine it was salad. So if I'm moving backwards from salad, I'm gonna say Sara and Amir are a higher number and less popular than number nine.

[Elliot Kaelin]

All right, and what number do you want? A ballpark.

[Janet Varney]

A number to guess it, I'm gonna say 45.

[Elliot Kaelin]

45. So you're sticking with 45 as your.

[Janet Varney]

Well, it's my new unlucky number.

[John Hodgman]

Just say 6, 7 and it means something.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's true. Well, you are correct in that it is a higher number lower on the list. You're wrong about the number because it is actually number 95 on that list of 100.

[Janet Varney]

It was on the right track.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The age of Sarah has ended. This is the age of Luna. The times have changed. But you're right. I know so many Sarahs in my life, but there's that generational change where people say, sarah, that's an old name. I want a new name, like Salad. Something else. Eudora Salad. Yes, Salad. Exactly. So that is a tie game. You both did fantastic with getting one point each for both of you.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Elliot Kaelin]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[Elliot Kaelin]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[John Hodgman]

Ever touching a coupon.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[John Hodgman]

It feels good to GEICO.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Listeners. Did you do as well as our guests? If so, I assume you're weeping because you have no more worlds left to conquer until our next game. That's right. It's the return of a clueless favorite. So please put your podcast listening ears together for the return of Tone Note. Tone Note is a game of anagrams. I'm going to give you a series of clues, and the answer to each question is a two word phrase in which the words are anagrams of each other. So, for example, if the clue was a totally weak breakfast, lunch, or dinner, the answer would be lame meal. You're right. Lame meal. Because those are anagrams of each other. So are we ready for the game? Do you have any questions?

[John Hodgman]

No, I think I understand it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay. This game is inversely proportional to the other game in terms of the complicatedness of the directions. Let's begin the game. Question number one. Someone who can't stand our planet.

[John Hodgman]

Earth hater.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Oh, very good. Earth hater.

[Janet Varney]

Yeah, nice.

[John Hodgman]

Sorry about that, Janet.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I just.

[John Hodgman]

It just came to me.

[Janet Varney]

Well, you're a known Earth hater.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Very good. Earth hater. Someone who can't stand our plan is an earth hater. Nice job.

[John Hodgman]

But I'm spelling hater like Bill hater.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Ooh, well, then that's. Then it's no longer an anagram. You took a right answer and you made it.

[John Hodgman]

I stand by my answer.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Right.

[Janet Varney]

Good for you.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Question number two. What astronaut superheroes might wear? What astronaut superheroes might wear?

[John Hodgman]

Astronaut, superhero.

[Janet Varney]

Everything I think is a joke, but not funny.

[John Hodgman]

Well, what do superheroes wear?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Cape.

[Janet Varney]

Yeah, cape is where I went to right away. But then I was like, pika. That's not pika.

[John Hodgman]

Cape.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Think about. I said, what astronaut superheroes might wear?

[Janet Varney]

Anasa Snena. Help me. Help me.

[John Hodgman]

Space capes.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. Space capes is the answer. Space capes. Yes.

[John Hodgman]

There we go. Thank you for that handwriting.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Question number three. Get up, your majesty. Two word anagram phrase for get up, your majesty.

[John Hodgman]

Your highness.

[Janet Varney]

Stand danced king. Oh, damn Prince charming. Oh, that was a different episode. Different episode, Janet. Reverse. Reverse.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You're unstuck at time. You don't know what episode it is.

[John Hodgman]

Help me get up. Is it get up stand up or.

[Janet Varney]

Get up stand up for your rights.

[John Hodgman]

For your rights. Yeah. Is it or is it wake up?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Get up? Well, get up, your majesty. But it's. It could be for either.

[John Hodgman]

It could be for either, but it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Could just be the. Not necessarily waking up.

[John Hodgman]

Even though I am perhaps the greatest Rise.

[Janet Varney]

Body language in the world.

[John Hodgman]

I'm not getting anything from you. Rise. Aries.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Huh?

[Janet Varney]

Oh, was that a. Oh, you're getting close.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Rise is an interesting word to play with.

[John Hodgman]

Rise.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Rise.

[Janet Varney]

Raise, sire. Rise, sire.

[John Hodgman]

Rise.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. Rise, sire. Very good. Get up, your majesty. Rise, sire. Don't tell a king that. They're not going to like it.

[John Hodgman]

Don't tell me what to tell a king. You're not my king.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You're right, you're right. I apologize.

[John Hodgman]

You're my earl.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah.

[Janet Varney]

Lair earl. Goodbye.

[Elliot Kaelin]

No, no, that's. That wasn't the question. John doesn't get to ask the question. Question number four. An opponent with millions of views on the Internet. An opponent with millions of views on the Internet. What two words might. What strange two word phrase that are anagrams would describe that sort of thing?

[Janet Varney]

Flimal influencer.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah, I was going to be like rinfluence. Influencer.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Don't worry about a word that long. Yeah, as long as influencer. Okay.

[John Hodgman]

An opponent with millions of views.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Opponent. What's another word?

[Janet Varney]

E. Off.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You can either think of what are other words for opponent or what's another word for when something gets a lot of views on the Internet.

[John Hodgman]

Viral.

[Janet Varney]

Viral rival.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, viral rival.

[Janet Varney]

Teamwork to the nth degree.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Teamwork. Children should listen to that. To see what it's like to cooperate and work together.

[John Hodgman]

That's right. Hi, children. It's me, your dad.

[Elliot Kaelin]

A running contest on a parcel of land measuring 4840 square yards.

[Janet Varney]

Race. Acre.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Very good. Or an acre race. Either one.

[John Hodgman]

I was thinking of hectare.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I mean, race is in hectare too. They just got a couple extra letters.

[John Hodgman]

I never remember.

[Janet Varney]

Are you spelling it Hector like Bill Hader, or are you spelling it Hector like Bill?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Hector.

[Janet Varney]

That's right.

[John Hodgman]

Hector Elizondo is who I was referencing.

[Janet Varney]

There it is.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah.

[Elliot Kaelin]

My favorite movie. Taken. Pelomoto 3. Clue number six. Most polite bug. How would you describe the most polite bug?

[Janet Varney]

A kind dink. By the way, we had a real dink.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's so bad.

[Janet Varney]

Real dink problem. Real dink problem. But if you just do a little trail of honey, they'll go right back outside again.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's that time of year. It's that time of year when the dinks get in your house. Yeah.

[John Hodgman]

Ins. Is there something with insect? I don't have a piece of paper.

[Janet Varney]

I don't have a nice pencil. A nice scene like a movie like.

[Elliot Kaelin]

No, you have. It's a bug. Remember? You're so close to it.

[Janet Varney]

I like to dance around a thing and never get it. Never touch it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The two of you. The two of you almost have it working together.

[John Hodgman]

Praying mantis.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's the most polite bug.

[John Hodgman]

Is there a superlative involved in this?

[Elliot Kaelin]

There is a superlative.

[Janet Varney]

Insect.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. Nicest insect. Very good.

[John Hodgman]

That was teeth too. I think you got it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That was a tough one. Clue number seven. A threat to watch out for when working in the yard.

[John Hodgman]

Mosquito. Oh, tick borne illness.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Again. We're looking for an anagram phrase.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah, you gotta do a tick check every day.

[Janet Varney]

A danger guard. Danger guard. Garden danger. Garden danger.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. Garden danger. Very good. I'm glad that you are on the trail where, while John forgets what kind of game we're playing.

[Janet Varney]

I almost said danger garden.

[John Hodgman]

Can I just go back and really tell people, anytime you're out in the woods or even the garden, I don't care where you think you are, please check for ticks. You don't wanna get Lyme disease.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You don't.

[John Hodgman]

There are ticks in Maine now. There are ticks where you are. There are ticks everywhere. Check for ticks right now.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Danger. All these kids have TikTok on their phone. Just tics coming out of that. Yeah.

[John Hodgman]

What do you call a snake that warns people about public health issues?

[Janet Varney]

Someone's coming for your job, Elliot, and it's not me.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I don't know and I don't like it.

[John Hodgman]

I don't like PSA aspect.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Oh, that's pretty good.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah, that's all right.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Or a place where a snake could relax would be an asp spa. Anyway. Neither of those are questions in this game. We're using up questions for future games. Why are we doing this? Game number eight. This is the final clue in the game.

[John Hodgman]

You're doing great. You can't use that one in the future.

[Elliot Kaelin]

No, no, it's copyrighted.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah, A PSA or whatever. Yeah.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Clue number eight. Take a high ranking army officer and make them bigger. Take a high ranking army officer and make them bigger.

[John Hodgman]

Major Joram.

[Janet Varney]

Enlarge. Enlargent.

[John Hodgman]

What are the officers? Large sarge.

[Janet Varney]

Yeah. Now we've moved into just fun, just.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Garbage Pail kids characters. Yeah. Enlarge.

[John Hodgman]

By the way, a sarge is not an officer. Sergeant is the highest rank you can get is an enlisted member of the armed services.

[Elliot Kaelin]

So what can you do with the word enlargement? That's a good way to start.

[John Hodgman]

Enlarge.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes.

[John Hodgman]

What can I do with the word enlarge anagrammatically? Well, I can.

[Elliot Kaelin]

General.

[Janet Varney]

Enlarge, General.

[John Hodgman]

Turn it into a bird.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Enlarge, General. Good job.

[Janet Varney]

So you keep working your magic over there, Hodgman.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You managed to get all the questions, I think with very after Earth hater, very little help from. From John Hodgman and maybe space capes. I think I do.

[John Hodgman]

I got space capes. Come on.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You got space capes. You absolutely did. You worked together great as a team. Work together great as a team. No, no. Of course, the second game on Clueless always ends in the most fiendish anagram of all. Mega Clue. You wouldn't.

[John Hodgman]

Mega Clue.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Thank you. I appreciate that. It's fiendish because Mega and Clue are not actually anagrams of each other. That's how difficult that anagram is. For this Mega Clue, I'm going to give you a tone note clue. And the answer is made up of the first letters of each of the answers from this game. Okay?

[John Hodgman]

So get a pad and pencilloss me there Completely.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I'll give you the letters, and you just rearrange them into two words that go along with the clue. This is like the game that we just played. But I'm giving you the letters. It should be easier.

[John Hodgman]

What do you think you did? Okay, okay, okay. I got you.

[Elliot Kaelin]

So these are the letters. They are. Get something to write it down. They are Es, R, V as in Victor. A, N as in. No, G as in go. And E. So again, those letters are E, S, R, V, A, N, G and E. And the clue is. Puts an inscription on a group of superheroes.

[Janet Varney]

Avengers.

[John Hodgman]

Avengers is obviously one of them. Thank you. I tried to get it. Puts an inscription in graves. Avengers.

[Janet Varney]

Ooh, engraves Avengers.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The answer is in graves. Avengers. Sounds like something one of their enemies would try to do in probably not the most exciting Avengers adventure.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, the engraved don't put him in the dishwasher.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I don't know.

[John Hodgman]

I vow to put the Avengers in graves. No, that's not how you do it. Ultron, why are you back anyway?

[Elliot Kaelin]

You're supposed to know this stuff. Ultron, you have a computer brain. Yeah.

[Janet Varney]

Why are you back anyway?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Excellent job. You got that one real fast, listeners. Did you get the answer? If not, don't despair. This is all just a horrible dream. And you're going to wake up now. But before you leave the sweet embrace of Morpheus and we who are but ethereal illusions of imagination melt away in the cruel light of day, I'd like to take a moment to thank our guests Janet Varney and John Hodgman for being dreams come true. And I'd like to thank you, the listener, for pretending that any of what I just said made any sense at all. We'll be back next week for more Smartless presents Clueless. Until then, I'm your host, Elliot Kaelan. Or so I'd like you to believe. What a dramatic cliffhanger ending.

[John Hodgman]

That was incredible.

[Producer Devin Tory Bryant]

Clueless, you have been listening to Smartless presents Clueless, a Smartless Media production in association with SiriusXM. Your host is Elliot Kaelin, who also writes our scripts. Today's contestants where Janet Varney and John Hodgman check out their show e Pluribus motto anywhere you get your podcasts. Your producer, editor and engineer is Devin Tory Bryant, who is me. I also write all the music and sound effects. Today's puzzles were written by Jason Reich. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer Matty McCann. Social media producer, Tommy Galgano. Executive producers are Elliot Kaelin, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminski. Remember to follow, subscribe, rate and view the show. It really helps. That's all for now. We will see you again for More.

[John Hodgman]

Smart, less medium.

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[Elliot Kaelin]

Why?

[Janet Varney]

What's happening?

[Commercial Announcer]

The Walmart wellness event. Flu shots, health screenings, free samples from those brands you like.

[Janet Varney]

All that at Walmart?

[Commercial Announcer]

We can just walk right in, no appointment needed. Who knew we could cover our health and wellness needs at Walmart?

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Check the calendar. Saturday, January 24th.

[Commercial Announcer]

Walmart wellness event. You knew?

[Elliot Kaelin]

I knew.

[Walmart Announcer]

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