211 - Breaking The Law/Linkuistics (w/ Janet Varney and Neil Patrick Harris)

Summary

Podcast Summary: "SmartLess Presents ClueLess"

Episode 211 - Breaking The Law/Linkuistics (w/ Janet Varney and Neil Patrick Harris)
Release Date: January 19, 2026
Host: Elliot Kalan

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Episode Overview

This lively installment of "SmartLess Presents ClueLess" brings together two sharp-witted guests—actor and podcaster Janet Varney and the ever-versatile Neil Patrick Harris—for a rapid-fire round of legal trivia and word chain puzzles. The main themes revolve around bizarre state laws, word-based games, and the playful dynamic between the guests, all hosted with Elliot Kalan’s signature blend of humor and curiosity.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Fun and Games With the Law

• Icebreaker: Elliot poses an unusual question based on his “bad roommate”-turned-ghost story:
  Main Question: “According to New York law, can I sue over an unlisted ghost?” (00:30)
  • Guests banter about ghosts as roommates; Neil riffs as Janet’s "British child ghost."
  • Legal Answer: YES, referencing Stambovsky v. Ackley (the so-called "Ghostbusters Ruling"), New Yorkers can sue if sold a haunted house undisclosed by the seller.
  • Notable quote:
    • Elliot: “The answer is yes. You can… thanks to the 1991 case Stambovsky v. Ackley…commonly called the Ghostbusters ruling…” (04:33)

2. “Breaking the Law” Game

(Bizarre Laws by State—Identify the Relevant State)

• Question 1: No chumming water with canned corn to attract fish.

  • Guest Reasoning: Portlandia reference had them debating Oregon, but won by overthinking.
  • Correct Answer: Oregon.
  • Notable exchange:
    • Janet: “How many times did the canned corn thing happen where then someone said, ‘this is an outrage. We have to put this on the books.’” (08:20)

• Question 2: Passing off margarine as butter during this state’s famed caucus—a felony?

  • Correct Answer: Iowa.
  • Both guests notice possible “corn” theming in the questions and joke about “corn meta puzzles.”
  • Notable exchange:
    • Neil: “Wouldn’t it be corny if he did that?” (10:01)

• Question 3: Illegal for visitors to take selfies with big cats at the Bronx Zoo unless separated by a barrier.

  • Answer: New York.
  • Further jokes about looking for the “corn connection.”
  • Elliot: “Don’t worry too much about the Khorne connection for this one.” (11:21)

• Question 4: $75 fine for releasing 10+ helium balloons in 24 hours (clue: Yale graduation).

  • Answer: Connecticut.
  • Guests brainstorm New Jersey and Connecticut, producer chimes in with “Corneticut.”
  • Notable moment:
    • Producer Devin: “Corneticut.” (13:27)

• Question 5: Railroad operators liable for damage from horses spooked by train noise on Amtrak's Palmetto Line.

  • Answer: South Carolina.
  • Guests joke about North/South state names and inventing “Palmetto bug” facts.
  • Notable banter:
    • Neil: “A Carolina, A Carolina.” (14:44)

• Bonus Puzzle:

  • Take postal abbreviations for the states (OR, IA, NY, CT, SC) and rearrange to spell the capital of a state where gambling is legal and hula hooping on Fremont St. is forbidden.
  • Answer: Carson City, Nevada.
  • Fun moment:
    • Janet, after several wrong guesses: “Snorak City. Ransk City.”
    • Neil: “Carson City. Carson City, Nevada.” (16:19)

3. Lighthearted Takeaways on Legal Silliness

• Guests riff on committing “corn crimes,” state-specific legal oddities, and the lack of corn affiliation in Batman villains.
  • Notable humorous moment:
    • Neil: “If Batman has a corn themed villain…he’s like, you know what? Just keep doing what you’re doing. I’m not going to stop you.” (17:26)

4. "Lingqistics" Game (Word Chain Competition)

(Word chains by guessing the second word based on its first letter)

• Format: Host names a word and the first letter of the next; contestants keep the chain going.
• Starting word: Table
  • Table → Tennis (T) → Court (C, O, U) → Courtroom → Room Service → Service Animal → Animal Control → Control Panel → Panel Discussion → Discussion Board → Board Game → Game Night → Night Light → Lighthouse → House Party
• Guests alternate answers, sometimes helping each other; playful rivalry emerges.
• Score: Neil: 8, Janet: 6 (but the score becomes moot when a Mega Clue is introduced worth "ten hundred points").
• Notable banter:
  • Elliot: “You turned a competitive game into a cooperative game. You really turned the tables on me…” (26:02)
  • Janet: “AKA Discussion Boy.” (31:05)
• Producer cameo:
  • Devin beats in with sound effects and playful host interjections.

5. "Mega Clue" Final Challenge

(Connect the last word “party” back to the first word “table” in three or fewer steps)

• 60-second challenge.
• Neil attempts: Party pooper → Pooper scooper → (but no “scooper table” exists).
• Janet’s route: Table → Poker table → Strip poker → (blocked at "strip").
  • Both joke and build comedic, not-quite-right chains: “Party comic,” “Party time times table.”
• Host offers example: “Party down → Downturn → Turntable.” (30:03)
• Janet declared the winner for creative effort.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Elliot:
  • “This is ClueLess.” (00:30)
  • “As we’ve established, you both have guest star amnesia…” (03:23)
• Neil Patrick Harris:
  • (In character) “Mummy, may I play with your lighter?” (02:20)
  • “Don’t say tennis corn, Janet." (19:53)
• Janet Varney:
  • “You are trying to shoe corn in New Jersey.” (12:37)
  • “Game Naughty. That’s my favorite type.” (24:46)
• Producer Devin:
  • “Today’s episode is brought to you by the concept of a triangle. That’s right. Circles have no sides and squares have too many.” (27:22)

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Timestamps of Key Segments

• Episode Premise, Ghost Laws & Introductions: 00:30–04:55
• "Breaking The Law" Puzzle Game: 06:26–15:36
  • State law questions segmented with transitions each ~2 min
• Bonus State Capitals Puzzle: 15:36–16:44
• Wrap-up Discussion on State Crimes: 17:03–17:55
• "Lingqistics" (Word Chain Game): 17:55–26:31
• "Mega Clue" Final Challenge: 26:31–30:10
• Playful Outro, Credits, and Banter: 30:10–32:09

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Tone & Style

• Playful, Quick-Witted, and Lighthearted: The rapport between Elliot, Janet, and Neil relies on wordplay, improv, and self-aware humor that matches the podcast’s breezy, game-show vibe.
• Encouraging, Inclusive, and Irreverent: Listeners are nudged to play along, not to “turn to crime,” except maybe obscure corn-based infractions.

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Conclusion

Episode 211 of "ClueLess" is a fast-paced showcase of odd legal trivia and clever linguistics games, highlighted by friendly guest competition and comedic digressions. With notable segments on haunted houses, corn-themed legal conspiracies, and inventive wordplay, the episode continues the show's legacy of being a fun escape for puzzle lovers and comedy fans alike.

Memorable closing line:
Elliot: "Where’d you get all that time you spent anyway? You didn’t steal that time, did you? Oh, listeners, listeners, we have to have a real talk after this. For shame." (31:05)

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Recommended For:
Puzzle enthusiasts, trivia fans, and anyone who enjoys spirited banter with a side of legal oddities.

Transcript

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Elliot Kaelin]

Smart Lettuce Meditation Let me tell you, I've had my fair share of bad roommates. The roommate who let their friends sleep in our bathtub for weeks. I had that one. The roommate that decides 3am is the best time to rehearse for their audition for the musical Stomp. I've had that one. The roommate who said they were mailing in our rent checks but was actually eating them. Yes. Yeah, I had that one too. But even I was surprised to move into my new apartment in New York City only to find that it came with the worst roommate of all. A ghost. A ghost who at 3am rehearses for their audition for the musical Stomp. The realtor did not warn me about this, which leads me to today's opening question. Can you tell me, according to New York law, can I sue over an unlisted ghost? You'll have to listen to find out if you're right. This is Clueless.

[Janet Varney]

Clueless.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Clueless.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I'm Clueless.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Welcome to Smartless Presents. Clueless, the world's only puzzle podcast. Please don't fact check me on that. I'm your host, Elliot Kaelin, and you haven't heard the last of me because we just started. Now, please welcome our guests. She is a podcaster, actor, and co founder of the San Francisco Sketchfest. And he is an actor, a magician, and an author. That's right. They're both triple threats. The but only one has a triple name. It's Janet Varney and Neil Patrick Harris. Before we start, thank you so much for being here. I just have to know, do you two know each other?

[Janet Varney]

We do know each other quite well, actually.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

We do know each other. Unfortunately, that has gotten in the way of me wanting to do the bit of saying I've been replaced by Janet Varney's British child ghost. Please don't sue me, Elliot.

[Elliot Kaelin]

No, I think you should still do that bit. Let's go for it. Anyway, let's start with it.

[Janet Varney]

Does anyone have any lighters that I can flick?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Mummy, may I play with your Lighter.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Janet, Neil, I believe you've worked together before. What was it that you did?

[Janet Varney]

What have we worked together on? Well, were you on How I Met yout Mother?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Well, first of all, I was. Thank you very much. Insult some taken. And we also made a show called Neil's Puppet Dreams.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, my gosh. That's right. Neil's Puppet Dreams is. You can find it on the YouTube. We got to use the Jim Henson alternative puppets. And we did six episodes of. I think six, maybe eight of. I can't remember either, original content, including songs. And. And they turned out really, really well. And they're still great. There's one called Bollywood where we did a big Bollywood number where I fell in love with a puppet cow.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Yeah, it's a beautiful show. Some great guest stars. We won't tell you who they are. You have to go on YouTube and see, because you will love who they are. You will recognize them immediately.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Oh, my God.

[Janet Varney]

I totally forgot about Neil's poetries.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I know.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

And we're supposed to do a someday.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It sounds wonderful. As we've established, you both have guest star amnesia, which is the amnesia where you can't remember when people have been on your shows or not. So we'll go and check it out. That sounds like a fantastic show. But don't check it out just yet, please, because we have a whole episode of Clueless to go through today with our special guests, Janet and Neil.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, yeah.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Now, I don't want to scare anybody, but if you were listening to the cult of Me know I have a situation with a g G ghost, and I need to figure out if I should hire a L L L lawyer. I'm afraid lawyers also, Janet. Neil, do you know, can you sue in New York? Can you sue a realtor for failing to disclose ghostly activity?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Neil, you're more of an East Coaster now. I've never lived there, and Mummy won't let me look into the law because girls aren't supposed to be lawyers.

[Janet Varney]

I feel like you probably can because New York is very friendly towards. Towards rentors. No, Renties and not rentors.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Janet, would you like to go along with this answer? Do you think you can sue in New York for unlisted ghosts purely for hope reasons?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

And yes, because I do trust my friend. Yo, Patrick Harris. I'm gonna say yes, you do.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Probably wrong. It's probably wrong. You're right. The answer is yes. You can work in New York State thanks to the 1991 case Stambovsky v. Ackley, commonly called the Ghostbusters. Ruling you can sue someone for selling you a haunted house if they didn't include ghosts on the disclosure. Now, if someone sells you a ghost without telling you it's in a. I don't know if you can sue for that.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

It feels like a win. Little piece of real estate on the side.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, that's true, actually. You know, I just thought I was feeling like a ghost if I got a whole house.

[Janet Varney]

Yeah, I feel like someone with the last name Stem Bobsley is probably suing for a lot of different reasons for a lot of different things. Just to have his name appear in the register.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Gotta get in the legal book somehow.

[Janet Varney]

Exactly.

[Commercial Announcer]

Everyone deserves to be connected. That's why T Mobile and US Cellular are joining forces. Switch to T Mobile and save up to 20% versus Verizon by getting built in benefits. They leave out. Check the math. @t mobile.com switch and now T Mobile is in US cellular stores. Savings versus Comparable Verizon plans plus the cost of optional benefits plan features in Texas. And fees vary. Savings with three plus lines include third line free via monthly bill credits. Credit stop if you cancel any lines. Qualifying credit required. Honey, do not make plans. Saturday, January 24th. Okay?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Why? What's happening?

[Commercial Announcer]

The Walmart wellness event. Flu shots, health screenings, free samples from those brands you like.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

All that at Walmart.

[Commercial Announcer]

We can just walk right in, no appointment needed. Who knew we could cover our health and wellness needs at Walmart?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Check the calendar.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Saturday, January 24th, Walmart wellness event.

[Janet Varney]

You knew?

[Elliot Kaelin]

I knew.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Check in on your health at the same place you already shop. Visit Walmart, Saturday, January 24th for our semi annual wellness event, Flu shots. Subject to availability and applicable state law. Age restrictions apply. Free samples while supplies last.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Listeners, did you get the answer? If so, I've got a special reward for you. It's the same game we were gonna play anyway. It's called Breaking the Law.

[Janet Varney]

Breaking the Law.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Breaking the Law. Breaking the law.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Under arrest. I worry that that sting made Breaking the law sound too inviting.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

What was the last piece that played at that? Because I.

[Commercial Announcer]

Under arrest.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Oh, that is. That was very smart. Because up to that point I thought this couldn't make me want to break the law more.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, yeah. We had to show you that crime does not pay at the very end. Breaking the Law is the game where I'm going to describe a real life weird law. Your job is to tell me which great state in our great usually nation decided to put this weird law on their weird old law books. Are you ready?

[Janet Varney]

Very ready.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay. You can do it. I have faith in you. I have faith in your minds and your memories and also your hearts. And also, you know what? Your hands, too. You don't need your hands for this game, but I have faith in them. Okay, thank you. Before it gets strange, I'm gonna go on to the first question before. Good point. First question. A ban on chumming water with canned corn to attract fish might sound like a Portlandia sketch, but this state's Department of Fish and Wildlife insists it's a real law.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Is there a clue in there? He wouldn't put Portlandia into a clue about Oregon. Like an answer. That was Oregon, right? That's too easy.

[Janet Varney]

I mean, I think you got it. It's you the first time. Let's go, Oregon.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You're right. It's Oregon. In Oregon, it is against the law to put canned corn into, you know, water to get fish to come to you so that you can catch them.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

This is a lesson in you can always be sure that if a law is on the books, there was at least one time when it happened, two horrifying results causing the law to be enacted in the first place.

[Janet Varney]

How many times did the canned corn thing happen where then someone said, this is an outrage. We have to put this on the books.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It had to be enough times that it was bothering somebody. So one time you're like, all right, okay, you did the cancorn thing. It caught, it led to some consequence. My guess is, you know, flatulent fish. I don't know.

[Janet Varney]

And what is the consequence of that?

[Elliot Kaelin]

I'm not sure.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Jealousy.

[Janet Varney]

I think it's outrage and jealousy because the guy next to the canned corn person had a worm on his hook, and he's like, wait, what?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

We could have been using corn this whole time?

[Elliot Kaelin]

No one told me I could use corn.

[Janet Varney]

A whole can and canned corn at that.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Question number two. Presidential hopefuls who want to appear tough on crime during this state's famed caucus might consider campaigning to have the crime of passing off margarine as real butter upgraded from a misdemeanor to a felony. In what state?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

There's a lot. A lot of information in this.

[Elliot Kaelin]

There's a lot of information. Let me read that.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

You might only need one piece of it about where caucuses happen.

[Janet Varney]

But I love all the other herrings.

[Elliot Kaelin]

This one's full of herrings, ironically, since the last question was about fish. But this one's the one that's full of herrings.

[Janet Varney]

I mean, I'm guessing it's Iowa, because isn't that where.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Yeah. Caucuses and Potentially another beautiful mystical link to the first question since Iowa. Corn fed. Iowa.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, nice. A metaphor.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I hope there's a. There might be a theme. There might be a theme.

[Janet Varney]

Come on. This is great.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Elliot, cover your ears. Everyone else.

[Janet Varney]

Yeah, everyone else.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Keep them open.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Keep your ears open.

[Janet Varney]

Let's talk over here for a second.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I think sometimes there's, like, an overall theme to a series of questions.

[Janet Varney]

I'm loving this idea.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Maybe there will end up being, like, a weird corn theme.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, my gosh. This would be corn. Are you taking notes?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

And wouldn't it be corny if he did that? And Elliot.

[Janet Varney]

See what she did there? Okay, let's go back to Elliot. Okay.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Elliot, Elliot.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Elliot. Are you ready? Yeah, I was just. I was just in the corner. I was just in a corner, you know.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, my gosh.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Wait. Okay. Yellow.

[Janet Varney]

Did you hear what he just said?

[Elliot Kaelin]

I said.

[Janet Varney]

He just said, like, in the corner. It's got to be corn. There's got to be a corn meta puzzle going on.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

He gave us a meta clue in between clues.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, my gosh. He's doing this on purpose. This guy's really good. Okay, let's go back. Let's go back.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Elliot, Elliot, Elliot.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You're right. Okay. Yeah, I was just reading a story by Cor Wild. Anyway, let's.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, my gosh.

[Elliot Kaelin]

So you'll be two hours later, you'll be so disappointed to find the lack of a corn theme after this question. You were right. The answer was Iowa. You answered right. Moving on to question number three. Before visiting the Bronx Zoo, keep in mind that this state's tiger selfie law makes it illegal to take a photo with a lion, leopard, or other big cat unless you are separated by a permanent physical barrier.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I mean, again, I feel like there was a pretty important piece tucked right in there to tell you what state Brooklyn.

[Janet Varney]

Which is in New Jersey. I mean, everyone knows. I think it might be New York.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I do, too. But again, I'm not seeing the corn connection.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The answer is true. I think the answer is New York. You're correct. The same state where I bought my haunted house. But I think. You know what I think? I think don't worry too much about the Khorne connection for this one. You'll figure it out later. This is more of a. Tonight, when you're going to bed, you'll go, oh, yeah, of course.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Corn was buried in there. Of corns.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Next question. Question number four. We've got two questions left in this game. Then there's a bonus question, if you want. I Think we'll do it. Question number four. If you're planning to throw a party for a Yale graduation, note that Anyone who releases 10 or more helium balloons within a 24 hour period in this state is subject to a $75 fine. In what state will you be fined $75 if you release 10 or more helium balloons within a24 hour period? And there was a clue in there as well.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Wait a minute. Rhode island is the balloon stage. Well, we. I had the pleasure of doing this marvelous show with our friend John Hodgman, who happens to be a graduate of Yale University.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, wow. So he's.

[Elliot Kaelin]

So. It's Jersey.

[Janet Varney]

It's New Jersey.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Oh, my God.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You are so.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

You are trying to shoe corn in New Jersey.

[Janet Varney]

I should. So I should know this because I like to stalk John Hodgman.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Oh, that's good.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I love. Shucks. I love that. This is now so. Producer Devin. This is no longer a breaking the law game. This is just a corn game. We just need.

[Janet Varney]

Great.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The game is not about corn.

[Janet Varney]

I'm.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I.

[Janet Varney]

Yale. Connecticut. No.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Oh, wait.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Maybe it's Connecticut. Hodgman is from Massachusetts, but Yale maybe is in Hartford, Connecticut or Connecticut somewhere. I don't believe in Ivy League schools.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I didn't go to college of. Between. I'll give you another hint. Between Massachusetts and Connecticut. Which one is it easier to make a corn pun out of?

[Janet Varney]

The.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Thank God. The answer is, of course.

[Producer Devin Tory Bryant]

Corneticut.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Yeah, yeah.

[Janet Varney]

Nice.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Final question. Conductors on Amtrak's Palmetto line should be aware that in this state, railroad operators. Corn doctors. Corn doctors on Amtrak's Palmetto line should be aware that in this state, railroad operators can be held liable for damage caused by horses that are spooked by train noise. In what state? Palmetto is the Palmetto Line where railroad operators are liable for damage caused by horses spooked by train noises.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I mean, for some reason, Palmetto is reminding me of Florida, but that has nothing to do, like, Florida is not a place you think of if you.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Horses.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Unlike someplace like Kentucky.

[Janet Varney]

Yeah. I've never heard of Palmetto as the name of any town or any sort of geographic location.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Have you heard of Palmetto in reference to what I consider to be a common cockroach. But people are like, oh, no, no, no. It's much more exotic than that. It's called the Palmetto bug.

[Janet Varney]

Really?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah.

[Janet Varney]

I thought it was the stuff that you used like dish soap when you didn't want your hands to get like.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I've been soaking in it.

[Janet Varney]

Wrinkly palmetto Right in Palmetto.

[Elliot Kaelin]

So we have a number of states in the United States that have both a north and a south version of them.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

A Carolina, A Carolina.

[Janet Varney]

Dakota.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Carolina.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

A South Carolina. South Carolina. South Carolina.

[Janet Varney]

South Dakota.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The answer Carolina. The answer is South Carolina.

[Janet Varney]

Nice.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It was south parentheses. Dakota. Carolina. South Carolina. Very good. You got. Well, I'm not quite sure how we're keeping score on on this game today for the best this but you're doing great. There's a bonus question. Let's see what happens if you take the postal abbreviations for each state mentioned in the answers above and I'll remind you that that was Oregon or Iowa. Iowa, New York, N.Y. n.Y. Connecticut, Connecticut and S.C. south Carolina. The letters can be arranged to spell the capital of a state where gambling is legal. But hula hooping in front of the casinos on Fremont street is strictly prohibited.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

It's the capital of a state.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, the capital of a state. This is a state where it is against the law to hula hoop in front of casinos.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Scoriantixty New York.

[Janet Varney]

Is it something City?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, that was the hint I was gonna give you. The name is something. It is blank City. So take those letters that make city.

[Janet Varney]

Gather out of it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah.

[Janet Varney]

Snorak City. Ransk City.

[Elliot Kaelin]

So close.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Snorak City.

[Elliot Kaelin]

If you want to get a good night's sleep, Snorak City is the place to go. Think of. Think of it this way. Think of it this way.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Carson City. Carson City.

[Janet Varney]

Nevad City.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Carson City, Nevada. It's embarrassing cuz I'm not. Where else is gambling fully legal?

[Elliot Kaelin]

I mean more and more places. But the. But you're at Carson City. Very good. Carson City, the capital of Nevada. Excellent work on breaking the law.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Saving on your education should be a right, not a competition. At University of Phoenix, you'll get the best scholarship or savings you qualify for. Simple as that. Explore scholarship options at University of Phoenix.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Listeners. Did you do as well as Janet and Neil? If not, that's okay. Don't let this failure push you into a life of crime. Unless it's a life of obscure state specific crime. That sounds kind of fun. A lot of these sounded like fun. Who doesn't want to dump a can of corn into a lake to get some fish?

[Janet Varney]

I'm scared.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

If it's a corn crime, I feel like it's been. You've been given the seal of approval for this podcast. Corn related crime.

[Elliot Kaelin]

If there's ever. If Batman has a corn themed feel and he's like, you know what? Just keep doing what you're doing. I'm not going to stop you.

[Janet Varney]

It's on everyone's bucket list to take a selfie with a lion standing right next to it.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Absolutely.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Of course. Yeah.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Also weird that the scarecrow has no corn affiliation Batman. Sorry.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's true.

[Janet Varney]

Interesting.

[Elliot Kaelin]

So, listeners, we are giving you the thumbs up to go on this life of state specific crime. But still, why not make one last chance to stay on the straight and narrow with today's main game? It's called lingqistics. Linguistics.

[Janet Varney]

Linguistics.

[Producer Devin Tory Bryant]

Lingqistics. What does it mean? You take half a word or phrase and you try to complete it. Linguistics is beginning. When you hear the drum beat, I hit it.

[Janet Varney]

Word.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The best music of any podcast.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Devin, Tory Bryant.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Genius. This is a competitive game, so you will be competing against each other. It will test your ability to keep a word chain going. It's gonna sound complicated, but it's not that complicated. We're gonna give one of you a word that starts a two word phrase or compound word, and we're gonna give you the first letter of the second part of that word. So we're gonna give you the first word and the second letter. So for instance, if I said to you, Janet, golf C, you might guess golf club. And you'd be right. So I'd say, okay, you get to move on to club S. And you'd guess club sandwich. And I'd say, no, that's not what we're going for. So I'd say to Neil, it goes to you. Club. So. And you would guess perhaps club soda. And you'd be correct and you'd move on to continue your own chain. So did I confuse you too much? Were you ready to live the game and experience it for yourself?

[Janet Varney]

I'm super excited. Although when you said the explanation, I didn't get sandwich or soda.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I didn't eat it.

[Janet Varney]

I went into sort of panic mode in my brain. I'm a little worried.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's good. You want to harness that. There are 14 words to guess. Let's get started. Okay, we're going to start. Whichever one of you is the quickest to say the word Chattanooga. As soon as I finish this sentence, Chattanooga. Oh, Neil goes first. Janet. Not even trying. Not even trying. Okay, so your starting word, Neil, is table. T. Table. And then a word starting with T. Table.

[Janet Varney]

Tennis.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. Very good. Tennis. C.

[Janet Varney]

Tennis club.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Oh, no, Janet. Tennis. C. O.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Tennis.

[Janet Varney]

Co.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Tennis.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Don't say tennis. Corn. I'm not gonna let you say it. I'm not gonna let you throw this game for the joke.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Don't say. Don't say tennis cotton, Janet. That' Tennis cotton is not a thing.

[Elliot Kaelin]

No.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Tennis colleague.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Is that your answer? Tennis colleague? Yes. Okay, then going back to Neil. Tennis C, O, U. Oh, I thought.

[Janet Varney]

It was gonna be tennis coach. Tennis cow. Tennis cow. C, C, O, U.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. You can do this. You can do this.

[Janet Varney]

Tennis Cow 2. Tennis.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Don't make me sue you over this and take you to tennis court.

[Janet Varney]

Co. Court.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Tennis court. Nice. Nice helping your opponent, but you know.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I can't be stopped.

[Elliot Kaelin]

No, you're gonna play this the way you want to play it. I admire that. Okay, Neil, Court R. Court R.

[Janet Varney]

Reporter.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Oh, that's a good guess, but that's not it, Janet.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I'm record.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Let me give you that. Let me give you the second. The second letter. Court.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I'm still gonna go court Record.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Ro.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, no.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Court roer. Oh, Court robot.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Is court robot your answer? Yes. Okay, then it goes back to Neil. Unfortunately, the answer is not court robot. I wish it was court R. O, O. Room. Yes. Court room. Thank you. Then room. S. Room. And then a word starting with S, As in snake, but it's still not room. Snake.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Hang on, you guys. I just want to see if I can. I'm going to order some food while I'm staying here. Hold on just a second.

[Janet Varney]

Room service.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. Room service. Very good. I like Janet's strategy.

[Janet Varney]

That's so crazy. Janet, the answer was service, and you were actually about to order room service at the same time.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's style. It's amazing.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I don't know how many of you have played the game Hearts, but there's something called Shoot the Moon where what you want to do is do the worst and then do that for free.

[Elliot Kaelin]

End up doing the best. But not every game operates that I could try technically.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Let me ask the court robot if that's allowed.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I'll allow it. Oh, the robot said they'd allow it. Yeah. Thank you. All right, Neil, back to you. Yeah, we said room service. Okay. Service. A service. And then a word starting with a. What phrase?

[Janet Varney]

Service. Service. I got nothing.

[Elliot Kaelin]

There's so many words that start with a, but if you guess one, maybe it's the right one.

[Janet Varney]

A service.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Apple. Oh, and what's funny is apple was the word that came to mind that I thought you were going to guess, but that's not the answer.

[Producer Devin Tory Bryant]

And me, too, weirdly.

[Elliot Kaelin]

And producer Devin says he also thought it was going to be apple.

[Janet Varney]

What is service A. Janet, do you know this?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Janet? You now have service. Answer.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I'M well, what works for me is that when I was little, I wasn't allowed to have a real pet. So I had a service apple that I was still allowed to take on planes with me. But in this case, I'm going to say service animal.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. Service animal. Very good. And Janet is on the board. There goes shooting the moon.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

That was a mistake. That was a mistake.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay, Janet. Animal.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

C. Animal Control.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, thank you.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, man.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Animal Control is the answer. Janet. Control. P.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Control.

[Elliot Kaelin]

P as in pool. Not. I know that sometimes my letters can be hard to understand.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

No, they're very easy. And it was on me. Control. I better come up with something quick.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Control.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Pony. I'm back.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You're back.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I'm back. Everybody. She's doing it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Back to Neil. Control.

[Janet Varney]

PA Control Panel.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, very good. Control. Panel. Now it's panel D. Panel. And then a word starting with D. Discussion. Yes, very good. Panel. Discussion.

[Janet Varney]

Nice.

[Elliot Kaelin]

And back to you, Neil. Again. Discussion B, as in boy. But it's not boy. The answer's not discussion boy. Though that sounds like a superhero with not very interesting powers.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Before we do this, Batman, I'd like to talk about it for a while and see what the pros and cons are.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Discussion. B.

[Janet Varney]

Discussion board.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, very good. Discussion board. Board. G.

[Janet Varney]

Board.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

O', Neill, you of all people.

[Janet Varney]

Game.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. Game.

[Janet Varney]

I love the hands.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Game. N. N as in north. Game. N.

[Janet Varney]

Game. Game. Naughty. That's my favorite. That's my favorite type.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I love it. That's not the answer we're looking for.

[Janet Varney]

All right.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Do you want. Do you want to. Was that a good joke?

[Janet Varney]

No, no, no, it's fine. I want. I want Janet. I want Janet to go.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay. Janet. Game. Ni.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Game.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Night. Yes. Game Night. Nice. Night. L. Janet. Night. L. Night.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Light.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You got it.

[Janet Varney]

Nice.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Light. H. Janet. Light. H.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Light.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's foggy.

[Janet Varney]

It's foggy in my brain.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Lighthouse.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You got it. I like it when opponents help each other. This is really nice. This is great because you remember, which sometimes the guests don't remember, that they will keep knowing each other after the game is over. And finally, Janet. House P. I mean, I guess I'm.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Gonna go with house party.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You got it. Right. That's House party. So that is the complete chain of words I'm gonna look up. Let me count it real quick. However you did, Janet. One, two, three, four, five, six. Neil. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. It's eight to six.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

We almost did that perfectly, but you.

[Janet Varney]

Gave me two, so. All right.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

At least one.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You know what I like about this. You turned a competitive game into cooperative game. You really turned the tables on me. And mages, that was. You're the enemy. Yeah, exactly. You realize the true opponent, which is me, the one asking you questions, of course. And this next one is worth ten hundred points. So whoever gets this wins the game.

[Janet Varney]

Ten hundred.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Ten hundred.

[Janet Varney]

This is amazing.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

That's almost a thousand.

[Janet Varney]

I know.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Of course, there's one word that's so powerful it cannot be chained, and that word is Mega clue.

[Janet Varney]

Mega clue.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Every one of these games in the second half ends in a mega clue question. For today's mega Clue, both of our players, Janet and Neil, will have 60 seconds to compete in a final challenge. Whoever gets a correct solution first will get that ten hundred points. Here's the challenge. Can you create your own chain of words that. Let me say that again, because I started to swallow my own tongue. Here's the challenge. Here's the challenge. Can you create your own chain of words that will connect the final word of this chain party back to the first word we started with? Table. Using three new words or less. So connect party to table in three new words or less. And you're gonna have 60 seconds to think about it, starting now.

[Producer Devin Tory Bryant]

Today's episode is brought to you by the concept of a triangle. That's right. Circles have no sides and squares have too many. When you find yourself in need of three internal angles, always reach for triangle. Guests of Clueless stay in their own homes. There is no travel budget.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The claps surprised me. I didn't expect them.

[Producer Devin Tory Bryant]

Gotta throw in something different at the back half.

[Janet Varney]

Damn it, Party.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I have had 17 false starts.

[Janet Varney]

I know I'm. I have so close.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

None of them are good.

[Elliot Kaelin]

All right, time's up. That was 60 seconds. Do you have a finishing link that will connect the last word party with the first word table? Janet, Neil, have you got an answer for this? To make a clue when you say.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Answer, I went for comedy for the first 59 seconds. So I was really trying to figure out how to link party pooper, pooper.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Scooper, then scooper table. Sure. Yeah.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

And as you can imagine, I realized too late that scooper does not begin anything.

[Elliot Kaelin]

What I wish had happened was I wish that this had been a cartoon. So you could have then run to a laboratory, invented a scooper table, run to the patent office, get it patented, and then run back to the show just in time for that to be the answer.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Oh, that did happen. In an alternate universe that happened.

[Janet Varney]

I went the opposite. I started at table smart and then I went poker table. And then I went strip poker. And now I have nothing to connect.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Strip to party.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Strip party.

[Janet Varney]

Something something. Strip party animal.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Party comic, right? Couldn't say party comic.

[Janet Varney]

Party comic.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Comic, Strip party comic. Elliot, party comic.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I said, there's no such thing as.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Hey, what do you do? I'm a party comic. I did a really funny set at a kid's birthday party.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I'm a party comic. In the issue, she'd call me a tumler, you know.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Oh, by the way, I also did party time times table.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You know what? It's not. I'll get. I'll. I'll give you a half point for that. Yeah, that's good.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I'll give you just one ish word.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Link instead of ten hundred points. I'll give you five hundred points for that. Which means that Jan is the winner. One way you could do it, for instance, would be you could say party down downturn turntable would be a way to do it. That's good.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, nice.

[Elliot Kaelin]

But I like the way you did it, Janet. I like that one. So, yeah, I'm giving you the. The half of the ten hundred points down turn turntable.

[Janet Varney]

It seems so easy once you have.

[Elliot Kaelin]

All the words, once you have the answers. That's my curse is that when I'm doing the show, I'm like, how are they not getting this as I stare right at the answers the entire time? Listeners, did you get the answer? If so, then we shall glorify your name. You'll be a bust, be a bust, be a bust in the hall of fame. Wait, actually, I'm getting word. A witch just showed up to say you stole her sister's shoes. That's gotta be against the law somewhere. So why don't we end the episode so you can sort this out with that witch that wants her sister's shoes back? Before we do, I'd like to thank our wonderful guests, Janet Varney and Neil Patrick Harris for bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase wonderful guests. And I'd like to thank you, the listeners, for spending some time with us. Where'd you get all that time you spent anyway? You didn't steal that time, did you? Oh, listeners, listeners, we have to have a real talk after this. For shame. We'll be back next week with more Smartless presents Clueless. Until then, I'm your host, Elliot Kaelin. At least while that's still legal.

[Janet Varney]

AKA Discussion Boy.

[Producer Devin Tory Bryant]

Clueless, you have been listening to Smartless presents Clueless, a Smartless Media production in association with Sirius xm. Your host is Elliot Kaelin, who also writes our scripts. Today's contestants were Janet Varney and Neil Patrick Harris. Check out sfsketchfest.com for tickets and schedule. Your producer, editor and engineer is Devin Tory Bryant, who is me. I also write all the music and sound effects. Today's puzzles were written by Brock Mahan and Josh Richmond. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer, Matty McCann. Social media producer, Tommy Galgano. Executive producers are Elliot Kaelin, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminski. Remember to follow, subscribe, rate and review the show. It really helps. That's all for now. We will see you again for.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Smart less medium.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Elliot Kaelin]

Why? What's happening?

[Commercial Announcer]

The Walmart Wellness event. Flu shots, health screenings, free samples from those brands you like.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

All that at Walmart?

[Commercial Announcer]

We can just walk right in, no appointment needed. Who knew we could cover our health and wellness needs at Walmart?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Check the calendar. Saturday, January 24th.

[Commercial Announcer]

Walmart wellness event.

[Janet Varney]

You knew?

[Elliot Kaelin]

I knew.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Check in on your health at the same place you already shop. Visit Walmart, Saturday, January 24th for our semiannual wellness event. Flu shots. Subject to availability and applicable state law. Age restrictions apply. Free samples while supplies Last year.