212 - Leg Day/This Or That (w/ Janet Varney and Neil Patrick Harris)

Summary

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SmartLess Presents ClueLess

Episode 212: Leg Day/This Or That
Guests: Janet Varney & Neil Patrick Harris
Host: Elliot Kalan
Release Date: January 26, 2026

Episode Overview

This lively, puzzle-packed episode finds host Elliot Kalan challenging returning guests Janet Varney (actor, improviser, SF Sketchfest co-founder) and Neil Patrick Harris (actor, magician, all-around entertainer) with a series of witty word games and logic puzzles. The high-energy banter covers exercise oddities, wordplay on "leg," and the ridiculous overlap between perfume names and Scandinavian metal bands. While the focus is firmly on fun and comedic riffing, listeners are also given a taste of SF Sketchfest and the guests’ real-world collaborations.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Exercise Class Conundrums (04:18–07:06)

• Premise of the puzzle: Elliot invents fake exercise names and asks Janet and Neil to sniff out the imposters from a real gym class list.
• The list: Alligator drags, Reverse Turkish get-up, Zercher squats, Hummingbird press, Drells, Tighten Up, Slobber.
• Game Play: Janet and Neil debate whether "slobber" and "hummingbird press" could possibly be real (classic fake-out!), and Neil reveals he’s actually done a Reverse Turkish get-up.
  • [05:17] Neil Patrick Harris: “I know that there is a reverse Turkish get up.”
  • [06:34] Elliot Kalan: “Nope, Slobber is a real thing… stands for supine lateral ball roll.”
• Solution:
  • Fake Exercises: Hummingbird press and Drells Tighten Up
  • Hilarity ensues over the Archie Bell & the Drells musical reference.

2. SF Sketchfest, Puppets, and Improv (02:03–04:01)

• Janet shares the legacy and upcoming plans for the renowned San Francisco Sketchfest.
  • [02:44] Janet Varney: “Twenty-five years ago. This will be our 23rd annual fest. Extra credit for figuring out why we skipped two years.”
• Details on puppet improv show "Puppet Up!" in partnership with the Henson Company, with both guests singing the praises of adult-oriented puppet comedy.
  • [03:35] Neil Patrick Harris: “What’s extra exciting about Puppet Up is you can see the performers on… like a proper R-rated Sesame Street sketch play out. It’s brilliant fun.”

3. "Leg Day" Word Game (09:02–12:41)

• Premise: Responses must be words or phrases containing the consecutive letters L-E-G (not pronounced “leg”).
• Sample clues & answers:
  • Where you go after high school → College
  • Looney Tunes rooster → Foghorn Leghorn
• Notable banter around pronunciation and word origins as the guests joyfully bungle and recover with clever answers.
  • [09:32] Janet Varney: “And that is how you have to pronounce it.”
  • [11:00] Neil Patrick Harris: “Foghorn Leghorn… Weirdly inappropriate to say it like that now, it seems.”
• Leg Game Answers with Timestamps:
  • Beans, lentils, or peas → Legume [09:52]
  • What you cough up with a cold → Phlegm [10:15]
  • Like the real deal → Legit [10:23]
  • Story with deeper meaning → Allegory [10:37]
  • Looney Tunes rooster → Foghorn Leghorn [10:59]
  • Early method for long-distance message → Telegraph [11:17]
  • Disrespect for sacred things → Sacrilegious [11:37]
  • Something to chew, blow, and pop → Bubble gum [11:52]
  • Fun fastener tool → Staple gun [12:21]
  • 2004 halftime scandal → Nipplegate [12:29]

4. The Main Game: This or That — “Doom or Perfume?” (13:19–25:26)

• Premise: Decide if a given name is a designer fragrance (Perfume) or a Swedish black metal band (Doom), with bonus points awarded for quick-witted explanations.
• Standout moments:
  • Guests riff on the crossover marketability of scents versus metal, including fake ads and jabs about “pure Metallica.”
  • [14:33] Elliot Kalan: “Are you ready to rock or smell?”
  • [21:31] Neil Patrick Harris: “We’re pure Blink 186!”
• Selected Doom or Perfume Answers with Timestamps:
  • Obsession → Perfume (Calvin Klein) [14:50]
  • Tribulation → Doom (band) [15:06]
  • Catatonia (with a K) → Doom (band) [15:46]
  • Drakkar Noir → Perfume [17:06]
  • Dark Tranquility → Doom (band) [17:37]
  • Dimension Zero → Doom (band) [19:05]
  • Pure Poison → Perfume (Dior) [20:22]
  • Antaeus → Perfume (Chanel) [22:33]
  • Edge of Sanity → Doom (band) [24:26]
  • Elixir → Perfume (by Rihanna) [25:07]
• Comedic digressions abound about “Blink 186,” fake band names, and perfume voiceovers.
  • [21:17] Janet Varney: “Happy to go with scents. I’ve been waiting to get back to scents for what seems like six clues now.”
  • [23:51] Neil Patrick Harris: “Fart, a new fragrance.”

5. The Mega Clue (26:01–28:10)

• Clue: “Elixir is the designer fragrance of a recording artist whose hits include ‘Man Down,’ ‘Hate that I love you,’ and ‘B___ Better Have My Money.’ Who is it?”
• Janet and Neil debate famous pop stars, landing first on Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Katy Perry.
• [27:28] Elliot Kalan: “Yeah, the answer is Rihanna.”
• Reflections on Rihanna’s stage presence and her “stank face” dancing.
  • [28:04] Neil Patrick Harris: “I loved it. It was so sexy.”
  • [27:37] Janet Varney: “Of course it is. And she's a total badass.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On gym exercises:
  • [05:09] Janet Varney: “You want to say slobber’s wrong because it’s so outrageous. And I’m worried that’s a trick.”
• On puppet improv:
  • [03:35] Neil Patrick Harris: “…like a proper R-rated Sesame Street sketch play out. And with your suggestions, it’s brilliant fun.”
• On “Leg Day” puns and song stings:
  • [08:11] Elliot Kalan: “L to the E to the G. And that’s… You know what, I’m just gonna say it. Producer Devin who writes all of our music… he was right. It lived up to all the hype.”
• On the Doom or Perfume challenge:
  • [14:33] Elliot Kalan: “Are you ready to rock or smell?”
• On Pocket Scoring:
  • [25:49] Elliot Kalan: “Great work on that game. Unfortunately, I was having too much fun and did not do a good job of keeping score. So let’s say you did great. You did a fantastic.”
• On Mega Clue Reveal:
  • [27:28] Elliot Kalan: “Yeah, the answer is Rihanna.”
• On Closing:
  • [28:25] Elliot Kalan: “Guys, this has been such a fun episode, but the dental hygienist says if I don’t stop talking, they’re never going to get this cavity filled…”

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Summary Table: Main Puzzle Segments

| Segment | Game Mechanic | Key Answers / Highlights | Timestamp | |----------------------------|-----------------------------------------------------|--------------------------------------------------------------|------------| | Exercise Class Puzzle | Spot the fake gym exercises | Fakes: Hummingbird Press, Drells Tighten Up | 04:18–07:06| | Leg Day | Words with consecutive “L-E-G” letters | College, phlegm, legit, allegory, Foghorn Leghorn, etc. | 09:02–12:41| | This or That: Doom/Perfume | Metal band name or perfume? | See above list | 13:19–25:26| | Mega Clue | Guess singer with fragrance "Elixir" | Rihanna | 26:01–28:10|

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Tone

• High energy, self-aware humor: Elliot’s jokes, player riffing, and gentle roastings keep the mood bright.
• Warm rapport: Guests tease each other and the host while genuinely celebrating clever moves.
• Meta-commentary: Frequent jokes about the structure and writing of the show itself.

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For Listeners

• Expect a rapid-fire, brain-teasing format with charming, nerdy humor and delightful sidetracks.
• If you like wordplay, puzzles, and Graham Norton-style playful celebrity banter, this episode is for you.
• For those curious about SF Sketchfest (or nightly adult puppet improv!), Janet and Neil’s insights are highlights.

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Timestamps for Segments

• Intro & Exercise Puzzle: 00:39–07:06
• SF Sketchfest and Improv Discussion: 02:03–04:01
• Leg Day Game: 09:02–12:41
• Doom or Perfume (“This or That”): 13:19–25:26
• Mega Clue: 26:01–28:10
• Wrap-Up & Thank Yous: 28:25–End

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“How much fun can three people have when nobody can see them? Turns out the answer is: a lot.”
— Elliot Kalan [28:25]

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Transcript

[Elliot Kaelin]

Gas, snacks, tolls. This trip is draining my wallet.

[Janet Varney]

Yeah, but we'll be with family.

[Producer Devin]

You're in a good mood.

[Janet Varney]

What's your deal? What's my deal? I saved at Metro with no activation fees and I got one line of 5G for just $25 per month. Kept the phone I love and a 5 year price guarantee on my top text and data detour to Metro. Get that more for your money feeling.

[Ad Voice]

Only at Metro by T Mobile.

[Janet Varney]

Just bring your number. $30 first month and $25 after with autopay not available if with Metro or T Mobile in the past 180 days. Smart less medium.

[Elliot Kaelin]

My friends and family know I'm kind of a gym rat in that I eat a lot of cheese at the gym and occasionally get caught in traps. Anyway, I was at the gym eating cheese when I saw a list of new exercise classes and I thought for sure that two of them were fake but I couldn't tell which ones. So I'm going to read you the list and and I want you to tell me which two of these exercises are not real. The exercises are alligator drags, reverse Turkish get up, Zerchercher squats, hummingbird press, drells, Tighten up, and something called slobber. Just saying those was a workout. Let me catch my breath after the theme song. This is Clueless.

[Ad Voice]

Clueless.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Clueless.

[Janet Varney]

I'm Clueless.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Welcome to Smartless Presents Clueless, the puzzle podcast that's part of a balanced breakfast if you eat healthy stuff while you listen to it. I'm your host, Elliot Kaelin, and there's nothing you can do about that. I'm sorry, it's done. Today I'm joined by two guests who I literally could not be more excited to have. Joining us. I have reached the maximum level of human excitement. Anything more than this and my doctor's gonna have to come in. Welcome to the show. Podcaster, performer, SF Sketchfest co founder, Janet Varney, along with the star of Stage, Screen and the dreams of millions, Neil Patrick Harris. The thank you both for being here. It's great to have you back on the show again.

[Ad Voice]

Thank you.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Our great pleasure. Thank you for that wonderful introduction.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Now, Janet, I mentioned you as the co founder of San Francisco Sketchfest. Tell me about that. It's some kind of sketchfest in San Francisco. Tell me more. I'm intrigued.

[Janet Varney]

Smart Ellie. Anyone who has listened to another recent episode I did with you knows that you yourself regularly perform at SF Sketch Fest.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Sometimes.

[Janet Varney]

Other wonderful podcasts Fly Clubhouse. It is a festival that loves to honor icons in comedy and beyond. Neil Patrick Harris has been a recipient of such a tribute in past year. It is a festival in San Francisco that I founded with my partners Cole Stratton and David Owen 25 years ago. This will be our 23rd annual fest.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Wow.

[Janet Varney]

Extra credit for figuring out why we skipped two years. I bet you can't do it. And we have a lot of really great stuff coming up, including Neil and I did a show called Neil's Puppet Dream together with the Henson Company. And we have some really wonderful shows with the Henson Company. Neil and I got to know each other quickly and discovered quickly that we loved Puppet up, which is a show that's been running in Los Angeles and beyond for many, many years. And we are bringing that to SF Sketchfest. And it is sort of nighttime puppet improv for grownups, not for brilliant, not for kids. It's brilliant. You get a chance to watch astonishingly talented improvisers who also happen to be astonishingly talented puppeteers, do their thing. It's wonderful. Brian Hensell will be there.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Nice.

[Janet Varney]

It's a do not miss.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

If you've ever seen an improv show, you sort of know the way it works. But when you're watching puppeteers do it, what's extra exciting about Puppet up is you can see the performers on. You see a big screen behind them and they are doing the actual puppeteering. So you can see them puppeteering, seeing where they're. Where they're out of the frame and watching like a proper X rated, R rated Sesame street sketch play out. And with your suggestions, it's brilliant fun.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It sounds fantastic. I think. I advise everyone who's listening to go to San Francisco Sketchfest. There's so many great things going on. That's a great show. And there's so many other great shows. It's the best comedy convention, festival, whatever you want to call it, I think that there is anywhere. Neil, do you have any fests that you want to promote?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Um, I had a gingham fest that I was gonna wear instead of this hoodie.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Unfortunately, I have to cut off the conversation there. Today's opening question is standing in the corner tapping its watch angrily. It has a lot to do today, so let's get this episode moving. Can you tell me, Janet or Neil, which of the exercises I mentioned earlier were made up? Two of them are made up, but which ones? To remind you, the list was Alligator Drags, Reverse Turkish Get Up, Zercher Squats, Hummingbird Press, Drels, Tighten up, and something called Slobber.

[Janet Varney]

I'm glad you said those again, because I thought I had written them down. And the things that I wrote down were immediately illegible to me. And I was like, what is zuncher ske?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

What is slobber?

[Janet Varney]

What is dill tigorn?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

The fact that one of them is slobber. Was that the last one you said?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes.

[Janet Varney]

You want to say slobber's wrong because it's so outrageous. And I'm worried that's a trick.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Agreed. I feel the same way.

[Janet Varney]

Reverse Turkish get up.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Seems I know that there is a reverse Turkish get up.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Is there really?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Yeah, I've done that actual exercise.

[Janet Varney]

Okay. All right. Well, then you know what? That makes sense because you're more fit than I am, so maybe you are the right person. Alligator drags. That sounds real.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Sort of.

[Janet Varney]

But I mean, a bad dream that an alligator did almost drag me into a river last night. This is true.

[Elliot Kaelin]

But you woke up pretty pumped, right? You woke up like, that was a great workout.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Yoked.

[Janet Varney]

Yes, true. I felt very buff afterwards.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I was thinking alligator drags didn't make much sense because it's so. It sort of sounds like an exercise, but, you know. But maybe not. But then I thought, it's a hummingbird press.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Hummingbird.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

What would a hummingbird press be?

[Janet Varney]

Hummingbird press sounds like, oh, did you like that greeting card I bought you? Hummingbird press makes it. They're so sweet. They're based in Maine.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Exactly.

[Janet Varney]

Well, then maybe we should go with alligator drags and hummingbird presses.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

All right, let's do that.

[Elliot Kaelin]

All right. You're saying alligator drags in hummingbird press. You are halfway right. You get a half point. Hummingbird press is a fake one. It's a pretty unimpressive sounding press. Hummingbird press for an alligator drag is a real exercise. That's essentially a full body moving plank. You're kind of dragging your lower body along the floor like an alligator. Would you like to know what the other fake exercise was?

[Janet Varney]

If it's slobber, we're gonna be so mad at ourselves.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Nope, Slobber is a real thing, okay? It stands for supine lateral ball roll. That's all the information I have about what that is. I don't know.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Is it a drel's Tighten Up?

[Elliot Kaelin]

It is a Drells Tighten Up. You're right, because that's a reference to the hit 1968 song Tighten up by Archie Bell and the Drels. That's the music they tighten up to.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Nice.

[Janet Varney]

I'm sure everyone got that.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The fake ones were Hummingbird press and drells. Tighten up.

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[Elliot Kaelin]

Level up, level up. Level up. Level up. Level up.

[Ad Voice]

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[Elliot Kaelin]

Listeners. Did you get the answer? If so, I'd like to shake your foot because hands are filthy, they touch everything but feet. They spend all day in sparkling clean socks. Much rather shake that. And speaking of feet, let's move on and exercises. Let's move on to our first game. It's called Leg Day.

[Producer Devin]

A peg legit will never skip slight day.

[Elliot Kaelin]

A legendary legionnaire never skips leg day.

[Producer Devin]

A relegated delegator never skips leg day.

[Elliot Kaelin]

L to the E to the G. And that's. You know what, I'm just gonna say it. Producer Devin who writes all of our music before the recording, he was so self laudatory about his leg day stay talking about how great it was, how proud he is of it. He was right. It lived up to all the hype.

[Janet Varney]

So I remember him describing it as a thing he almost didn't do and then decided was the best thing he'd ever done.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah. As often the Islam goes away with true art. Yeah.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I will say that it's so good that I was marveling at how good it was and missed the whole last stanza because I was so impressed with the. With the front half of the sting.

[Janet Varney]

I got L to the E to the G. Did you hear that part? That was pretty close to the end.

[Elliot Kaelin]

But yeah, around legendary legionnaire, I was like, I can't hold on. I've got to. My brain has to stop and applaud.

[Janet Varney]

Yeah.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The fact is, legs are everywhere. They're on our bodies, our chairs, our centipedes. Don't believe me? Go ahead and look. They're even in our words. In this game, I'll be giving you a list of clues. The answer to each clue is a word or phrase that contains the word leg. In it, that is the letters L, E, G in consecutive order. They may not be pronounced leg, but they're in there in that order. So for example, if the clue was where you might go after high school. The answer would be. You would think.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

College.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Exactly.

[Janet Varney]

And that is how you have to pronounce it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes.

[Janet Varney]

Thank you to my colleague for I would love to give an answer to that.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Whereas colleague would not be. Would not be a correct answer. Because it's like there's an A right there in the middle of it. Right? Right. Am I spelling it right?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

L, E, A, G, U, E. You're right.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah. Okay. So you obviously get what this game is all about. Are you ready to start the game? Let's do it. Okay. Yeah.

[Producer Devin]

A peg legged paralegal never skips leg day.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Question number one. There's 10 questions. The first five are a little easier. The second five are a little less easier. First one. Beans, lentils or peas. Perfectly synchronized. Good work.

[Janet Varney]

Is only zoom will allow.

[Elliot Kaelin]

What you cough up when you have a cold.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Ew.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Flag.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Nice.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Number three. When something is like the real deal, man. Legit. Yes, legit. Very good. Number four. Story with a deeper interpretation about moral or political issues.

[Janet Varney]

Alligator. Nope. Allegory.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Nice.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Good save, good save.

[Janet Varney]

Fun. Fake out for no one. Janet.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I love this. Janet, I could see the battle in your mind between do I do the joke or do I try to get the right answer.

[Janet Varney]

Joke is such a strong term for what that was.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Question number five. Looney Tunes rooster.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Foghorn Leghorn.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You got it. Foghorn Leghorn. I say. Moving on.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

It's Foghorn Leghorn. Weirdly inappropriate to say it like that now, it seems. Yes, it seems like only a rooster.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Can get away with that nowadays.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Antiquated in the wrong way.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Moving on, the next one. We're going into the slightly harder ones now. Early way to send a long distance message.

[Janet Varney]

Telegraph.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, you got it. Disrespect for something worshiped or holy. Next one. Disrespect for something worshiped or holy.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Stop. Not blasphemy.

[Janet Varney]

Disrespect for something worshiped or holy. Oh, sacrilegious.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Oh, nice.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's right. Sacraleggi.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Janet Varney, you're so smarty.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, no.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Next question. Something to chew, blow and pop.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Bubblegum.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes.

[Janet Varney]

L, E, G, U, M. Connected by. Oh, wait, is that two words or one?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Two words. Michael.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Michael Buble goom.

[Janet Varney]

I'm gonna start saying that. Would you like a piece of bubblegoom?

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's what? That's what. Yeah. Anyway, I was gonna make a joke about another country, but I don't. I don't offend other countries. Let's just keep moving on.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

So I say you probably shouldn't.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The next question. Hand tool for fastening materials that's super fun to use.

[Janet Varney]

Hand. Oh, staple gun.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. And finally, scandal during the 2004 Super bowl halftime show involving Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Oh, Nip legate.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. Nip legate. Very well done. 100% excellent work.

[Ad Voice]

This episode is brought to you by peloton. The new cross training series balances your workouts with 15 plus workout types for endless movements on and off your equipment. Stay motivated with weekly personalized plans that guide you from beginner to expert, and push past your goals with routines tailored to you. Get the new cross training series terms apply.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Listeners, did you do as well as Janet and Neil? If not, don't give up. Someday you will get a chance to redeem yourself. And that someday is right now because it's time for our main game for this episode. It's called this or that? This or that.

[Producer Devin]

Will you pick that or will you pick this?

[Elliot Kaelin]

This or that?

[Producer Devin]

That's the conundrum. You're confronted with.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Another great song. It's no leg day, but another great song.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

There was no leg day. I was gonna say. Boy, the internal rhyming of that was weak at best.

[Janet Varney]

Kevin, you opened yourself up to this. You opened yourself up to this.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's hard when you hit a creative high point. Whenever it comes next, there's gonna be a lot of pressure on it. So, you know, after leg day, it's moving on. This or that is the game where I present you with a quote, saying, or phrase, and you have to identify which of two thematically linked sources it came from. For this game specifically, it's a sub game we're calling Doom or Perfume. The following words or phrases are either the names of designer fragrances or the names of Swedish black metal bands. If you think the phrase is the name of a fragrance, say perfume. If you think it's a Swedish black metal band, say Doom. Janet, Neil, are you ready to rock or smell?

[Janet Varney]

I'd love to do both. And of course. Yeah. I am, of course, an expert in Swedish death metal, and Neil is very.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I know a lot about perfumes.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. You're the perfect team for this one.

[Janet Varney]

Nothing could go wrong.

[Elliot Kaelin]

All right, number one, Obsession.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I mean, Obsession, I think, is a Calvin Klein.

[Janet Varney]

Yeah.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Scent. So I'm gonna say smell. Perfume.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, perfume. Obsession is a perfume by Calvin Klein. Question number two. Tribulation.

[Janet Varney]

That could go either way. That's why this is such a good game.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Tribulation.

[Janet Varney]

I want that to be a death metal band.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Same, I think, because it's got like, a little bit of tribal in the word that maybe. Maybe we're heading towards. Let's head towards music with that one.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's right. That's a doom. Tribulation. Their albums include the Children of the Night and the Formulas of Death, which could describe some perfumes. Tribulation.

[Janet Varney]

Yeah.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Truth. Sometimes you get in an elevator with someone and they're like, woof. You're wearing too much tribulation, girl.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Question number three. Catatonia. It's spelled with a K. Catatonia.

[Janet Varney]

Catatonia.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I don't know.

[Janet Varney]

That sounds like it could be someone like. This is a bad example because it's not doja cat, but like some sort of, like, you know how Catatonia has her own or their own perfume?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Oh, what's that you're wearing?

[Janet Varney]

Catatonia.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

It doesn't sound good as a commercial.

[Janet Varney]

Do you find yourself falling into a romantic coma?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

That's my scent. Catatonia. It's a rhyme.

[Janet Varney]

I do not like it. I agree that I don't like it. I also don't love it as a.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Death metal band, but, like Catatonic, because you're part of. You're like, I know, but what's K in there for? Because you're doing a lot of K when you're. When you're listening to music.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes.

[Janet Varney]

Death metal. You're listening to death metal. I'm stumped.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I think it's music.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay. Okay. You're right. It's a doom. It's music. Catatonic. They just like. You just like to use the letter K for stuff in. In metal music because it's a cooler letter. It sounds tougher and harsher. It's also a comedy letter, and metal is a very funny type of music.

[Janet Varney]

You know, Hilarious.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Catatonia is a band. Their most recent album came out in June and is entitled Nightmares as Extensions of the Waking State. So that's a very metal title because it's long.

[Janet Varney]

Yeah, I like it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah. Question.

[Janet Varney]

Not gonna listen to it. Just to be clear.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Oh, you got to. Come on.

[Janet Varney]

All right.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Well, I've never heard it. Question number four. Question number four. Drakkar Noir.

[Janet Varney]

I mean, that's. That's only the best perfume ever made. If you grew up in the 80s.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Perfume. Yes. The famous. But Jaquar. It was not until this game, when I was looking over it earlier, that I was like, that would be a good memory. It would name.

[Janet Varney]

It would absolutely be a great name. And it even has the K's.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, it's got the k. In our language, that means Black Dragon. Dracon War.

[Janet Varney]

Wait, it probably does mean that.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Maybe that's a great name for a perfume, too. Who wouldn't want to smell like a black dragon? Question number five. Dark Tranquility.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Oh, this is right in the middle here.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It is.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Tranquility. Leaning toward the sense. Dark. Leaning towards the death metal.

[Janet Varney]

Dark Tranquility. That's too tranquil.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Maybe.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I feel like we've gone back and forth too many times, that maybe he's going for two in a row of the same thing. So maybe Dark Tranquility is a smell. Just looking at.

[Janet Varney]

I'm happy with that. I'm happy with that.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Pattern recognition.

[Janet Varney]

Am I in Dark, Dark Tranquility?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Unfortunately, your lust for pattern has led you astray. Dark Tranquility is a doom. It's a metal. Damn.

[Janet Varney]

Is that, like, an ironic name, then?

[Elliot Kaelin]

No, I mean, there's a certain dark tranquility to, you know, To. To death metal. Death metal. You know, once you get into it. Once you get really into it.

[Janet Varney]

First of all, I actually have huge respect for death metal. I understand that it provides something that my ears don't necessarily. Like what?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

And that would be Dark Tranquility.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You're saying you don't envy me for having seen Carcass live when they were supporting their album Surgical Steel?

[Janet Varney]

I kind of do envy you in a weird way.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It was a good show. They put on a good show anyway. Dark Tranquility. You may know their songs, The Pitiless, the Dark, Unbroken and Terminus Parentheses. Where Death is Most Alive. But you probably heard those on the radio or while you're at the grocery store. You know Spotify.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I always get that one on Spotify. It's really on my algorithm.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Question number six. Dimension Zero. Is this a perfume or a doom? Dimension Zero.

[Janet Varney]

So that, for me, feels like it should be death metal. Because what scent? What does Dimension Zero smell like?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Yeah, right. That sounds problematic. Sounds aggressive.

[Janet Varney]

Dimension Zero as a ascent. Dimension Zero.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

The fragrant waft of Dimension Zero. Unisex fragrance.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's a new dimension in smell. Ooh.

[Janet Varney]

Oh. Somehow you sold me with a unisex fragrance, but I think I'm looking for a pattern in that we've already just had two death metal bands. Is he going to go for a third? Is the metagame we all play, or is he taking us back over into scents?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Okay, and if it's a unisex scent, then Dimension Zero might make sense.

[Janet Varney]

It somehow sold me that some. Some household me.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's wonderful logic. You're thinking through but you're wrong. It's a doom. It's a metal man Dimension Zero. They released four albums in the mid-90s and 2000s, culminating in 2007's he who Shall Not Bleed, which is a. That's a great name for an album. That's a great name for an album. Question 7. Pure poison. Is this a perfume or a doom? Pure Poison.

[Janet Varney]

Well, no, we know Poison absolutely was. Is a perfume. Pure Poison.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

And a metal band kind of.

[Janet Varney]

And a band both ways you look at it. Probably should have picked a different name.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Immediately.

[Janet Varney]

You're gonna think of something else first. And then you have to, like, adjust your thinking and go, oh, wait, it's not that thing.

[Elliot Kaelin]

But we're the pure version of it. You've heard Pure Poison.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I'm gonna say that if you were a metal band and Poison was already, like, a pretty intense rock band, that you wouldn't do Pure Poison. That I think it would make more sense to have Poison as a perfume. And then you're like, oh, this is. This is pure Poison. Like a. Like a more intense version of the same.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

So I'm gonna go. I think we should go with scents.

[Janet Varney]

Happy to go with scents. I've been waiting to get back to scents for what seems like six clues now.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Well, your. Your patience has been rewarded. Pure Poison is a perfume. Yes. It's by Dior. I like the idea, though, of taking another band's name and putting pure on top of it. That you're better. Yeah, we're pure Metallica. We're the pure Grateful Dead. Really? Yeah.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

We're like pure Blink 186.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Pure Blink 186. Yeah.

[Janet Varney]

Wait, isn't it Blink 182? Well, they're 186 because they're. You have to add. You have to add four more concentrations. No, no, there's a reason you have to add four more.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, well, they.

[Janet Varney]

To make it purer.

[Elliot Kaelin]

So scientists have been working for decades now to isolate Blink 186 in lab conditions. So much more potent than 182.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

The most confusing rock band name ever. Cure Blink 186.

[Elliot Kaelin]

They're like. They're being interviewed. So the first question is, you know it's called Blink 182, right?

[Janet Varney]

Well, yeah, we knew that.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's why. Okay, let's.

[Janet Varney]

That's why we had to do four. And we are also a death letter.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Pure and fast. Four rhyme. And so that's why we added four to the. Okay. Okay. Interesting. And you have an album out. No.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

We haven't gotten perhaps these demos we'd like you to listen to. Give us your thoughts.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Is this a perfume or a doom? Let's get serious everybody. Question number eight. This one is called Antaeus. Antaeus.

[Janet Varney]

I kind of like.

[Elliot Kaelin]

These are great.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I can go either way. These are great questions.

[Janet Varney]

I want a behind the scenes episode where Elliot and. And all the people who help write the games talk about when they discovered like wait a minute. I was walking through my life and I realized this would be a great clueless game.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, this is this. This game in particular, I don't know if you should get special credit. This game in particular is by Mr. Brockmahan and if you knew him you'd be like, yeah, I know. It makes sense to me.

[Janet Varney]

Perfect.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I feel like I've heard Enteus before. Not as music, but I've heard it's.

[Janet Varney]

A theater company in Los Angeles. For sure. But does that help? Like does not for me knowing that. Is that useful at all in this scenario? Most likely not.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I think it sounds more like a metal band.

[Janet Varney]

I agree. That was my gut instinct. Which means it's probably not true, but I'm happy to stick with it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Are we in trying to trick you section of the game yet?

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Antaeus, a new fragrance.

[Janet Varney]

It also works basically your voice. Selling any perfume. I would be like, that sounds like it smells good.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's true.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

The new.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I could hear you. You could do a commercial and it could be like farts. A new fragrance. It sounds good. Sounds good.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

France.

[Janet Varney]

Fart stands for fragrance. Amour Romantic.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Antaeus, what do you think?

[Janet Varney]

I want to go with metal band because we both instinctually thought that right off the cuff.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Okay.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Unfortunately you're wrong and I did say.

[Janet Varney]

It would be wrong. Which means we are right.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Let us finish. Let us finish.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Elliot. Sorry. That's right. Antaeus is a Chanel perfume. That's Antaeus. Wow.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

That's where I've heard it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Question number 9. Edge of Sanity or what? If I say it like this? Edge of Sanity.

[Janet Varney]

Then I've never been more sure. It's gotta be a death metal band. Cause you're selling it as a first.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Yeah, death metal for sure.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I love Edge of Sanity. That's a doom. They're credited with being one of the first Swedish bands to melt black metal with prog rock. Edge of sanity. Something that. It's a thin line between metal and prog rock and they just crossed right over it.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Follow up question. She said prog rock. That was a Jim Henson Production, wasn't it?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Oh, yeah.

[Janet Varney]

Really fun.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Progle rock.

[Janet Varney]

You're thinking of Proggle Rock.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, Proggle Rock.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Yeah.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Sorry. Praggle Rock. Wonderful rock. Yep. Prague Rock was when Jim Henson and Emerson, Lake and Palmer teamed up.

[Janet Varney]

So good would watch, would listen.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Question 10. Our final question. Elixir. Is elixir a perfume?

[Janet Varney]

That's gotta be a perfume.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

It's gotta be a perfume. I mean by design, in like the elixir. A dictionary. Yes, you got it right.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's a perfume. I was just waiting for you to finish riffing. It's a perfume.

[Janet Varney]

Unless it's like Bjork's, like, this is my heavy metal band, Elixir. We go very dark, but we also go very sweet.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Drink bird. Like flying.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Pow, pow, pow.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Bjork impression.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, I like these dueling Bjorks. It's a duet of Bjorks.

[Producer Devin]

That's the conundrum you're confronted with.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Great work on that game. Unfortunately, I was having too much fun and did not do a good job of keeping score. So let's say you did great. You did a fantastic.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

We did great.

[Janet Varney]

That's all we want.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

We did great. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We did great.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, you're getting to the sphere now, but you're not done yet. This game still has you in its sadistic clutches because it's time for the most metal part of any episode of Clueless, the Mega Clue. Muh Mum.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Mega Clue.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Today's Mega Clue takes the form of a question. Elixir is the designer fragrance of a recording artist who hasn't released a metal album yet, but whose many hits do include some pretty hardcore titles like Man Down, Hate that I love you, and B Word Better have my Money. Who is it?

[Janet Varney]

Hmm.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I'm not familiar with any of those song titles.

[Janet Varney]

I know. Which probably means it's like Beyonce or something that we should just know that we should just like, should be part of being an American Idol.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I'll give you an. One of the biggest recording artists in the world. Yeah.

[Janet Varney]

Well, yeah.

[Ad Voice]

Then I.

[Janet Varney]

Then I was either right or not far off. Oh, probably is Taylor Swift.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Probably.

[Janet Varney]

Elixir. She would name something. She would name something. Elixir.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's a good guess, but it's not correct.

[Janet Varney]

And that is why I'm not guessing it again. You never.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Let's listen to the up inflection at the end.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I forget that you always make. You have very long pauses. I need to give you time.

[Janet Varney]

Yeah.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The answer is. Would you like to hear the Answer.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Ariana Grande.

[Janet Varney]

It's not Katy Perry.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's all. It's not Ariana Grande. But who's someone whose name sounds kind of like Ariana Grande's first name?

[Janet Varney]

Bariana Kranze.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

It's Ariana Cronseis.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's Bariana Kranseis. Yeah, the answer is. Would you like me to tell you? Yeah, the answer is Rihanna.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Oh, man.

[Janet Varney]

Of course it is. And she's a total badass.

[Elliot Kaelin]

She does that. The video for B Word Better have My Money does feature Mads Mikkelsen, who was in the movie Valhalla Rising, which is maybe the most metal movie I think I've ever seen.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Yes, I love Rihanna. I saw her concert in Vancouver once, and she. When she dances, she makes that stank face, you know, the. That I love. Like, I wish I had some elixir right now.

[Janet Varney]

I know.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I loved it. It was so sexy.

[Janet Varney]

I know. I feel we really let Rihanna down.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

I'm sorry, riri.

[Elliot Kaelin]

And she listens. That's the thing. She writes in constantly. And she says, put me on Clueless. Put me on Clueless. And we go, you're not ready yet. You're not ready yet. Someday. Someday.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

This is not going to help. This is not going to help that at all.

[Janet Varney]

It's not. It's not.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Listeners, did you do as well as Neil and Janet? If so, congratulations. I just had a star named in your honor. One of the little stars way in the back. You can't see it. Trust me. It's there. Just trust me. It's there. Guys, this has been such a fun episode, but the dental hygienist says if I don't stop talking, they're never going to get this cavity filled. But before they start drilling, I'd like to take a moment to thank Janet Varney and Neil Patrick Harris for answering the question, how much fun can three people have when nobody can see them? Turns out the answer is a lot. And I'd like to thank you, the listener, for eavesdropping on all this fun that we've had. We'll be back next week with more Smartless presents Clueless, when once again, I'll be your host, Elliot Kaelin, and all will be right in the world. Good night, everybody. Bye, everybody.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, everyone goes to bed listening to this.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, that's in case you're using it to put a toddler to sleep.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

That was fun.

[Janet Varney]

That was so fun.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Thank you so much, guys. Those were.

[Janet Varney]

Oh.

[Producer Devin]

Clueless, you have been listening to Smartless presents Clueless. A smartless Media production in association with SiriusXM. Your host is Elliot Kaelin, who also writes our scripts. Today's contestants were Janet Marney and Neil Patrick Harris. Check out sfsketchfest.com for tickets and schedule. Your producer, editor and engineer is Devin Tory Bryant, who is me. I also write all the music and sound effects. Today's puzzles were written by Brian Mahan and Jason Reich. Talent producer is Anne Harris Associate Producer Matty McCann Social media producer Tommy Galgano. Executive producers are Elliot Kaelin, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Remember to follow subscribe, rate and review the show. It really helps. That's all for now. We will see you again for.

[Janet Varney]

Smart less medium.

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