Re-release: 212 - Leg Day/This Or That (w/ Janet Varney and Neil Patrick Harris)

Summary

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SmartLess Presents ClueLess

Re-Release: 212 – Leg Day / This Or That

with Janet Varney and Neil Patrick Harris
Host: Elliott Kalan
Original Airdate: May 18, 2026

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Episode Overview

This lively, laughter-packed episode of ClueLess revisits two crowd-pleasing games—“Leg Day” and “This Or That”—with special guests Janet Varney (comedian, SF Sketchfest co-founder) and Neil Patrick Harris (actor and all-around entertainer). Guided by host Elliott Kalan, the trio pits their wits and wordplay skills against a sequence of exercise-inspired puzzles and a delightfully absurd showdown distinguishing between designer perfumes and Swedish black metal bands. The tone: warm, quick-witted, and celebratory.

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Key Segments & Highlights

[02:17] Warm-Up: Gym Puzzles

Elliott’s Opening Puzzle: Elliott riffs on his “gym rat” persona and presents the group with a list of supposed new exercise classes from the gym—some real, some fabricated. The challenge: which two are fake?

• List of Exercises:
  Alligator drags, reverse Turkish get up, Zercher squats, hummingbird press, drells tighten up, slobber

• Janet & Neil's Guess:

  • Both agree hummingbird press feels fake.
  • Janet doubts “slobber” (“Is that… was that the last one you said?”).
  • Neil confirms “reverse Turkish get up” is real from his fitness experience.
  • After some fun second-guessing, they settle on alligator drags and hummingbird press as fake.

• Correct Answers:

  • Fake: Hummingbird press, drells tighten up
  • Real: Slobber (“supine lateral ball roll”—though nobody’s sure what that means!)
  • “[06:51] Janet Varney: Reverse Turkish get up seems—I know that there is a reverse Turkish get up.”—Neil confirms.
  • “[08:12] Janet Varney: If it’s slobber, we’re gonna be so mad at ourselves.”

Notable Quote:

• “Slobber is a real thing. It stands for supine lateral ball roll. That’s all the information I have about what that is.”
  —Elliott ([08:15])

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[09:50] Game 1: Leg Day

Premise: All solutions contain the consecutive letters L-E-G. Answers may not always be pronounced “leg,” but the sequence is always present.

Rules Sample:

• Q: Where do you go after high school?
  A: College
• [11:36] “Whereas colleague would not be a correct answer because there’s an ‘a’ in the middle. Right? Spelling it right.” —Elliott

Round Highlights:

1. Beans, lentils, or peas?
   • Answer: Legume ([12:09])
2. What you cough up when sick?
   • Answer: Phlegm ([12:24])
3. When something is “like the real deal, man”?
   • Answer: Legit ([12:31])
4. Story with a deeper meaning?
   • Answer: Allegory ([12:43])
5. Looney Tunes rooster?
   • Answer: Foghorn Leghorn ([13:02])
6. Early long-distance message method?
   • Answer: Telegraph ([13:28])
7. Disrespect for something worshipped?
   • Answer: Sacrilegious ([13:47])
8. Something you blow and pop?
   • Answer: Bubblegum ([13:56])
9. Fun hand tool for fastening?
   • Answer: Staple gun ([14:31])
10. 2004 Super Bowl halftime scandal? (Trick answer)
    • Answer: “Nip Legate” (playful mispronunciation, not an actual leg word, for laughs) ([14:47])

Memorable Moments:

• [11:34] Janet: “And that is how you have to pronounce it.” (“College”)
• [13:39] “Sacrilegious.” “Oh, nice.” “That’s right, sacrilegious.”
• [14:01] Janet riffing on “Michael Buble-goom.”

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[15:31] Game 2: This or That ("Doom or Perfume")

Premise: Each name is either a designer perfume (“Perfume”) or a Swedish black metal band (“Doom”). Janet and Neil must decide which is which.

• “[16:45] Janet Varney: I’d love to do both. Of course. I am, of course, an expert in Swedish death metal. And Neil is very...”
• “[16:53] Jim: I know a lot about perfumes.”

Notable Rounds:

1. Obsession
   • Perfume (Calvin Klein) ([17:10])
2. Tribulation
   • Doom (metal band) ([17:33])
3. Catatonia (with a K)
   • Doom (metal band, “you just like to use the letter K for stuff in metal music because it’s a cooler letter…”) ([18:45])
4. Drakkar Noir
   • Perfume (and possible band name, they note) ([19:25])
5. Dark Tranquility
   • Doom (metal band) ([20:16])
6. Dimension Zero
   • Doom (metal band; “That sounds problematic. Sounds aggressive.” —Neil) ([22:11])
7. Pure Poison
   • Perfume (Dior) ([23:29])
8. Antaeus
   • Perfume (Chanel) — Both guess Doom, tricked by the name ([26:21])
9. Edge of Sanity
   • Doom (metal band, well known for prog/black metal fusion) ([26:50])
10. Elixir
    • Perfume ([27:35])

Signature Banter:

• [23:43] “We’re like pure Blink 186 now.”—Neil & Elliott on band name escalation.
• [26:03] “You could do a commercial and it could be like: Farts. A new fragrance. I’d be like, it sounds good.” —Elliott

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[28:12] Mega Clue

Twist Finale:
Elixir is the name of a designer fragrance by a recording artist whose hits include “Man Down,” “Hate That I Love You,” and “B**** Better Have My Money.” Who is she?

• Janet and Neil fumble through guesses: Beyoncé? Taylor Swift? Ariana Grande?
• Correct Answer: Rihanna ([29:46])

Memorable Exchange:

• “[29:49] Janet Varney: Of course it is. And she’s a total badass.”
• “[30:01] Jim: I love Rihanna. I saw her concert in Vancouver once and… when she dances, she makes that stank face, you know, the—that I love. Like, I wish I had some elixir right now.”

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Notable Quotes

• “I have reached the maximum level of human excitement. Anything more than this and my doctor’s gonna have to come in.” —Elliott ([03:06])
• “Do you find yourself falling into a romantic coma? That’s my scent. Catatonia.” —Janet ([18:24])
• “It’s a duet of Bjorks.” —Elliott ([27:55])
• “Listeners, did you do as well as Neil and Janet? If so, congratulations. I just had a star named in your honor. One of the little stars way in the back.” —Elliott ([30:37])

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Guest Highlights

• Janet Varney gives a snapshot of SF Sketchfest and her collaborations with Neil in puppet improv (“Puppet Up!”).
  • “[04:22] Janet Varney: ...it is sort of nighttime puppet improv for grownups.”
• Neil Patrick Harris provides comic punchlines and fitness trivia, and riffs on band names and scents.

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Overall Tone & Style

The episode is brimming with irreverent, rapid-fire humor, affectionate teasing, and wordplay. Elliott’s host style is deadpan and warm, expertly balancing clever gamecraft with space for his guests’ banter. Janet and Neil embrace the silly spirit, adding pop-culture knowledge and sharp improvisation.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:17] Opening puzzle: Fake gym exercises
• [09:50] Game 1: Leg Day (L-E-G words)
• [15:31] Game 2: This or That (“Doom or Perfume”)
• [28:12] Mega Clue: The Rihanna Elixir
• [30:37] Episode wrap-up

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In Summary

Perfect for fans of panel trivia shows or anyone who loves clever word games, this ClueLess episode delivers fast-paced puzzles, playful celebrity banter, and a whirlwind tour of strange exercise fads and the weirder corners of music and fragrance branding. Whether you outsmart the contestants or just laugh along, it’s a thoroughly fun ride.

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Transcript

[Jim]

Hi, I'm Jim.

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[Jim]

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[Jim]

Visit xtandi.com to watch my story.

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[Podcast Bot Host]

Greetings clueless listeners. While our host Elliot is on his way to London to audition for the lead role in the next James Bond film, it's down to him or Jacob Elordi. Fingers crossed. It is I the bot here once again to host a repeat performance. In this episode, Elliot is joined one more time by the fabulous Janet Varney and her hilarious and crushworthy friend Neil Patrick Harris to tangle with a brand new game called Leg Day. And then to determine if a given name refers to a designer perfume or to a Swedish black metal band in another round of this or that, L to the E to the G and that's Leg Day. This is clueless Smart Less.

[Elliot Kaelin]

My friends and family know I'm kind of a gym rat in that I eat a lot of cheese at the gym and occasionally get caught in traps. Anyway, I was at the gym eating cheese when I saw a list of new exercise classes and I thought for sure that Two of them were fake, but I couldn't tell which ones. So I'm going to read you the list and I want you to tell me which two of these exercises are not real. The exercises are alligator drags, reverse Turkish get up, Zercher squats, hummingbird press, drells, Tighten up, and something called slobber. Just saying those was a workout. Let me catch my breath after the theme song. This is Clueless.

[Jim]

Clueless.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Clueless.

[Janet Varney]

I'm Clueless.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Welcome to Smartless Presents. Clueless, the puzzle podcast that's part of a balanced breakfast if you eat healthy stuff while you listen to it. I'm your host, Elliot Kaelin, and there's nothing you can do about that. I'm sorry. It's done. Today I'm joined by two guests who I literally could not be more excited to have join. I have reached the maximum level of human excitement. Anything more than this and my doctor's gonna have to come in. Welcome to the show. Podcaster, performer, SF Sketchfest co founder, Janet Varney, along with the star of stage, Screen, and the dreams of millions, Neil Patrick Harris. Thank you both for being here. It's great to have you back on the show again.

[Janet Varney]

Thank you.

[Jim]

Our great pleasure. Thank you for that wonderful introduction.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Now, Janet, I mentioned you as the co founder of San Francisco Sketchfest. Tell me about that. It's some kind of sketch fest in San Francisco. Tell me more. I'm intrigued.

[Janet Varney]

Anyone who has listened to another recent episode I did with you know that you yourself regularly perform at some sketch fest.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Sometimes, yeah.

[Janet Varney]

Other wonderful podcast, Flophouse. It is a festival that loves to honor icons in comedy and beyond. Neil Patrick Harris has been a recipient of such a tribute in past year. It is a festival in San Francisco that I founded with my partners Cole Stratton and David 25 years ago. This will be our 23rd annual fest.

[Jim]

Wow.

[Janet Varney]

Extra credit for figuring out why we skipped two years. I bet you can't do it. And we have a lot of really great stuff coming up, including, you know, Neil and I did a show called Neil's Puppet Dreams together with the Henson Company. And we have some really wonderful shows with the Henson Company. Neil and I know we got to know each other quickly and discovered quickly that we loved Puppet up, which is a show that's been running in Los Angeles and beyond for many, many years. And we are bringing that to SF Sketchfest. And it is sort of nighttime puppet improv for grownups. And it's brilliant. Not for kids, it's brilliant. You get a chance to watch Astonishingly talented improvisers who also happen to be astonishingly talented puppeteers, do their thing. It's wonderful. Brian Henson will be there.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Nice.

[Janet Varney]

It's a Do not miss.

[Jim]

If you've ever seen an improv show, you sort of know the way it works. But when you're watching puppeteers do it, what's extra exciting about Puppet up is you can see the performers on. You see a big screen behind them and they are doing the actual puppeteering. So you can see them puppeteering, seeing where they're out of the frame and watching like a proper X rated, R rated Sesame street sketch play out. And with your suggestions, it's brilliant fun.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It sounds fantastic. I think. I advise everyone who's listening to go to San Francisco Sketchfest. There's so many great things going on. That's a great show. And there's so many other great shows. It's the best comedy convention, festival, whatever you want to call it. I think that there is anywhere. Neil, do you have any fests that you want to promote?

[Jim]

I had a gingham fest that I was gonna wear instead of this hoodie.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Unfortunately, I have to cut off the conversation there. Today's opening question is standing in the corner tapping its watch angrily. It has a lot to do today, so let's get this episode moving. Can you tell me, Janet or Neil, which of the exercises I mentioned earlier were made up? Two of them are made up. But which ones? To remind you, the list was alligator drags, reverse Turkish get up, Zercher squats, hummingbird press, Drels tighten up, and something called slobber.

[Janet Varney]

I'm glad you said those again because I thought I had written them down. And the things that I wrote down were immediately illegible to me. And I was like, what is zuntra skein? What is still Tigorn?

[Jim]

The fact that one of them is slobber.

[Janet Varney]

Is that.

[Jim]

Was that the last one you said?

[Janet Varney]

Yeah. You want to say slobber's wrong because it's so outrageous. So I'm worried that's a trick.

[Jim]

Agreed. I feel the same way.

[Janet Varney]

Reverse Turkish get up seems I. I

[Jim]

know that there is a reverse Turkish get up.

[Janet Varney]

Really?

[Jim]

Yeah, I've done that actual exercise.

[Janet Varney]

Okay. All right. Well then that. You know what, that makes sense because you're more fit than I am, so maybe you are the right person. Alligator drags. That sounds real.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Sort of.

[Janet Varney]

But I mean, a bad dream that an alligator did almost drag me into a river last night. This is true.

[Elliot Kaelin]

But when you. But you woke up pretty Pumped. Right. You woke up like. Like that was a great workout.

[Jim]

Yoked.

[Janet Varney]

Yes, true. I felt very buff afterwards.

[Jim]

I was thinking alligator drags didn't make much sense because it's so. It sort of sounds like an exercise. But you don't. But maybe not. But then I thought, it's hummingbird press.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Hummingbird press?

[Jim]

What would a hummingbird press be?

[Janet Varney]

Hummingbird press sounds like. Oh, did you like that greeting card I bought you? Hummingbird press makes it. They're so sweet. They're based in Maine.

[Jim]

Exactly.

[Janet Varney]

Well, then maybe we should go with alligator drags and hummingbird presses.

[Jim]

All right, let's do that.

[Elliot Kaelin]

All right. You're saying alligator drags and hummingbird press. You are halfway right. You get a half point. Hummingbird press is a fake one. It's a pretty unimpressive sounding press. Hummingbird press for an alligator drag is a real exercise. That's essentially a full body moving plank. You're kind of dragging your lower body along the floor like an alligator. Would you like to know what the other fake exercise was?

[Janet Varney]

If it's slobber, we're gonna be so mad at ourselves.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Nope. Slobber is a real thing. It stands for supine lateral ball roll. That's all the information I have about what that is. I don't know.

[Jim]

Is it a drel's tighten Up?

[Elliot Kaelin]

It is a Drelz Tighten up. You're right. Because that's a reference to the hit 1968 song Tighten up by Archie Bell and the Drells. That's the music they tighten up to.

[Jim]

Nice.

[Janet Varney]

I'm sure everyone got that.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The fake ones were hummingbird press and drells Tighten up.

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[Janet Varney]

This Bosch dishwasher really gets my dishes dry. Bone dry. Um, hello? Who was that? I am your inner Bosch. I'm sorry, what now? The feeling you get when you dismantle drips, eradicate moisture. Some other tough words and stuff. Lay waste to wetness.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Yes.

[Janet Varney]

Why didn't I think of that? I don't know.

[Jim]

Whatever lightning strike the More you bosh, the more you feel like a bosh.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Listeners, did you get the answer? If so, I'd like to shake your foot because hands are filthy, they touch everything. But feet, they spend all day in sparkling clean socks. Much rather shake that. And speaking of feet, let's move on and exercises. Let's move on to our first game. It's called Leg Day.

[Jim]

Legendary legionnaire never skips leg day.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Relegated delegator never skips leg day.

[Jim]

L to the E to the G.

[Janet Varney]

And that's leg day.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You know what, I'm just gonna say it. Producer Devin who writes all of our music, before the recording, he was so self laudatory about his leg day stuff, about how great it was, how proud he is of it. He was right. It lived up to all the hype.

[Janet Varney]

So. So I remember him describing it as a thing he almost didn't do and then decided was the best thing he'd ever done.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah. As often is the way with true art. Yeah.

[Jim]

I will say that it's so good that I was marveling at how good it was and missed the whole last stanza because I was so impressed with the, with the front half of the sting.

[Janet Varney]

I got L to the E to the G. Did you hear that part? That was pretty close to the end.

[Elliot Kaelin]

But yeah, around Legendary Legionnaire I was like, I can't hold on. I've got a. My brain has to stop and applaud. Yeah. The fact is legs are everywhere. They're on our bodies, our chairs, our centipedes. Don't believe me? Go ahead and look. They're even in our words. In this game, I'll be giving you a list of clues. The answer to each clue is a word or phrase that contains the word leg in it, that is the letters L, E, G in consecutive order. They may not be pronounced leg but they're in there in that order. So for example, if the clue was where you might go after high school, the answer would be. You would think college. Exactly.

[Janet Varney]

And that is how you have to pronounce it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes.

[Janet Varney]

Thank you to my colleague for I would love an answer to that.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Whereas colleague would not be, would not be a correct answer because it's like there's an A right there in the middle of it. Right, right. Spelling it right.

[Jim]

L, E, A, G, U, E. You're right.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah. Okay, so you obviously get what this game is all about. Are you ready to start the game?

[Janet Varney]

Let's do it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay.

[Jim]

Yeah.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

A peg legged paralegal never skips leg day.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Question number one. There's 10 questions. The first five are a little easier. The second five are a little less easier. First one. Beans, lentils or peas.

[Janet Varney]

Legume.

[Jim]

Legume.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Perfectly synchronized. Good work.

[Janet Varney]

As only zoom will allow

[Elliot Kaelin]

what you cough up when you have a cold.

[Janet Varney]

Ew. Phlegm.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Fleg em.

[Jim]

Nice.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Number three. When something is like the real deal, man.

[Jim]

Legit.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, very good. Number four. Story with a deeper interpretation about moral or political issues.

[Janet Varney]

Alligator. Nope. Allegory.

[Jim]

Nice.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Good save. Good save.

[Janet Varney]

Fun. Fake out for no one. Janet, I love this jit.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I could see the battle in your mind between do I do the joke or do I try to get the right answer?

[Janet Varney]

Joke is such a strong term for what that was.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Question number five. Looney Tunes Rooster.

[Jim]

Foghorn. Leghorn.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You got it. Foghorn Leghorn.

[Janet Varney]

Assay.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Moving on.

[Jim]

It's foghorn Leghorn. Weirdly inappropriate to say it like that now, it seems.

[Janet Varney]

Yes.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's like only a rooster can get away with that nowadays.

[Jim]

Antiquated in the wrong way.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Moving on, the next one. We're going to the slightly harder ones now. Early way to send a long distance message.

[Janet Varney]

Tell a graph.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, you got it. Disrespect for something worshiped or holy? Next one. Disrespect for something worshiped or holy?

[Jim]

It's not blasphemy.

[Janet Varney]

Disrespect for something worshiped. Holy. Oh, sacrilegious.

[Jim]

Oh, nice.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's right. Sacrilegious.

[Jim]

Janet Varney, you're so smarty.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, no.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Next question. Something to chew, blow and pop.

[Jim]

Bubblegum.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes.

[Janet Varney]

L, E G U M. Connected by. Oh, wait, is that two words or one bugle?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Two words. Michael.

[Jim]

Michael Buble. Goom.

[Janet Varney]

I can start saying that. Would you like a piece of booblegoom?

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's what. That's what. Yeah. Anyway, I was going to make a joke about another country, but I don't. I don't want to offend other countries. Let's just keep moving on.

[Jim]

So I say you probably shouldn't.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The next question. Hand tool for fastening materials that's super fun to use.

[Janet Varney]

Hand. Oh, Staple gun.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. And finally, scandal during the 2004 Super bowl halftime show involving Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake.

[Jim]

Oh, Nip Legate.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Very well done. 100% excellent work.

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[Elliot Kaelin]

Listeners, did you do as well as Janet and Neil? If not, don't give up. Someday you will get a chance to redeem yourself. And that someday is right now, because it's time for our main game. For this episode. It's called this or that.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Will you pick that or will you pick this? That's the conundrum you're confronted.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Another great song. It's no Leg Day, but another.

[Jim]

There was no Leg Day. I was gonna say. Boy, the internal writing of that was weak at best.

[Janet Varney]

Devin, you opened yourself up to this. You opened yourself up to this.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's hard when you hit a creative high point. Whenever it comes next, there's going to be a lot of pressure on it. So, you know, after leg day, it's moving on. This or that is the game where I present you with a quote, saying or phrase and you have to identify which of two thematically linked sources it came from. For this game specifically, it's a sub game we're calling Doom or Perfume. The following words or phrases are either the names of designer fragrances or the names of Swedish black metal bands. If you think the phrase is the name of a fragrance, say Perfume. If you think it's a Swedish black metal band, say Doom. Janet, Neil, are you ready to rock or smell?

[Janet Varney]

I'd love to do both. And of course. Yeah, I am of course an expert in Swedish death metal. And Neil is very.

[Jim]

I know a lot about perfumes. Yes.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You're the perfect team for this one.

[Janet Varney]

It could go wrong.

[Elliot Kaelin]

All right, number one, Obsession.

[Jim]

I mean, Obsession, I think, is a Calvin Klein scent. So I'm gonna say Smell. Perfume.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes, Perfume. Obsession is a perfume by Calvin Klein. Question number two. Tribulation.

[Janet Varney]

That could go either way. That's why this is such a good game. Tribulation. I want that to be a death metal band.

[Jim]

Same, I think, because it's got like a little bit of tribal in the word that maybe. Maybe we're heading towards. Let's head towards music with that one.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's right. That's a Doom. Tribulation. Their albums include the Children of the Night and the Formulas of Death, which could describe some perfumes.

[Janet Varney]

Tribulation. Yeah.

[Jim]

Truth. Sometimes you get in an elevator with someone and they're like, woof, you're wearing too much Tribulation, girl.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Formula. Death. Yeah. Question Number three. Catatonia. It's spelled with a K. Catatonia.

[Janet Varney]

Catatonia. I don't know. That sounds like it could be someone like. This is a bad example because it's not doja cat, but like some sort of, like, you know how catatonia has her own or their own perfume?

[Jim]

Ooh, what's that you're wearing?

[Janet Varney]

Catatonia.

[Jim]

That doesn't sound good as a commercial.

[Janet Varney]

Do you find yourself falling into a romantic coma?

[Jim]

That's my scent. Catatonia. It's a rhyme.

[Janet Varney]

I do not like it. I agree that I don't like it. I also don't love it as a death metal band, but like catatonic.

[Jim]

Cause you're party. You're like, I know, but what's the music?

[Janet Varney]

So what are you in there for?

[Jim]

Cause you're doing a lot of K when you're. When you're listening to music.

[Janet Varney]

It's death metal. You're listening to death metal. I'm stumped.

[Jim]

I think it's music.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Okay, okay. You're right. It's a doom. It's music catatonic. You just like to use the letter K for stuff in. In metal music because it's a cooler letter. It sounds tougher and harsher. It's also a comedy letter, and metal is a very funny type of music.

[Janet Varney]

You know, Hilarious.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Catatonia is a band. Their most recent album came out in June and is entitled Nightmares as extensions of the waking state. So that's a very metal title because it's long.

[Janet Varney]

Yeah, I like it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah. Question.

[Janet Varney]

Not gonna listen to it. Just to be clear.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Oh, you got to. Come on.

[Janet Varney]

All right, I will.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I've never heard it. Question number four. Question number four. Drakkar Noir. Noir.

[Janet Varney]

That's. That's only the best perfume ever made. If you grew up in the 80s.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Perfume. Yes. The famous. But Jaquar. It was not until this game, when I was looking over it earlier, that I was like, that would be a good memory. It would be named.

[Janet Varney]

It would absolutely be a great name.

[Elliot Kaelin]

And they.

[Janet Varney]

It even has the K's.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, it's got the K. In our language, that means black dragon. Draconoir.

[Janet Varney]

Wait, it probably does mean that.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Maybe that's a great name for a perfume too. Who wouldn't want to smell like a black dragon? Question number five. Dark tranquility.

[Jim]

Ooh, this is right in the middle here.

[Janet Varney]

It is.

[Jim]

Tranquility. Leaning toward the sense of dark. Leaning towards the death metal.

[Janet Varney]

Dark tranquility. That's too tranquil.

[Jim]

Maybe I feel like we've gone back and forth too many times that maybe he's going for two in a row of the same thing. So maybe Dark tranquility is a smell.

[Janet Varney]

Just looking at it, I'm happy with that. I'm happy with that.

[Jim]

Pattern recognition.

[Janet Varney]

Am I in Dark, Dark Tranquility?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Unfortunately, your lust for pattern has led you astray. Dark Tranquility is a doom. It's a metal. Damn.

[Janet Varney]

Is that, like, an ironic name, then?

[Elliot Kaelin]

No, I mean, there's a certain dark tranquility to. You know, to.

[Jim]

To death metal.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Death metal? You know, once you get into it. Once you get really into it.

[Janet Varney]

First of all, I have. I have. I actually have huge respect for death metal. I understand that it provides something that my ears don't necessarily. Like what?

[Jim]

And that would be Dark Tranquility.

[Elliot Kaelin]

You're saying you don't envy me for having seen Carcass live when they were supporting their album Surgical Steel?

[Janet Varney]

I kind of do envy you in a weird way.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It was a good show. They put on a good show anyway. Dark Tranquility. You may know their songs. The Pitiless, the Dark, Unbroken, and Terminus Parentheses. Where Death Is Most Alive. But you probably heard those on the radio or while you're at the grocery store. You know Spotify.

[Jim]

I always get that one on Spotify. It's really on my algorithm.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Question number six. Dimension Zero. Is this a perfume or a doom? Dimension Zero.

[Janet Varney]

So that, for me, feels like it should be death metal, because what scent? What does Dimension Zero smell like?

[Jim]

Yeah, right. That sounds problematic. Sounds aggressive.

[Janet Varney]

Dimension Zero as a. As a scent. Dimension Zero.

[Jim]

The fragrant waft of Dimension Zero. Unisex. Fragrant.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's a new dimension in smell.

[Jim]

Ooh.

[Janet Varney]

Oh. Somehow you sold me with a unisex fragrance, but I think I'm looking for a pattern in that. We've already just had two death metal bands. Is he going to go for a third? This is the metagame we all play. Or is he taking us back over into scents?

[Jim]

Okay. And if it's a unisex scent, then Dimension Zero might make sense.

[Janet Varney]

It somehow sold me that some. Some household me.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's wonderful logic you're thinking through, but you're wrong. It's a doom. It's a metal man. Dimension Zero. They released four albums in the mid-90s and 2000s, culminating in 2007's he who Shall Not Bleed, which is a. That's a great name for an album. That's a great name for an album. Question 7. Pure poison. Is this a perfume or a Doom. Pure Poison.

[Janet Varney]

Well, no, we know Poison absolutely was. Is a perfume. Pure Poison.

[Jim]

And a metal band kind of.

[Janet Varney]

And a band both ways you look at it. Probably should have picked a different name

[Elliot Kaelin]

immediately.

[Janet Varney]

You're gonna think of something else first. And then you have to, like, adjust your thinking and go, oh, wait, it's not that thing.

[Elliot Kaelin]

But the pure version of it. You've heard the pure version of Poison.

[Jim]

I'm gonna say that if you were a metal band and Poison was already like a pretty intense rock band, that you wouldn't do Pure Poison. That I think it would be. Make more sense to have Poison as a perfume. And then you're like, oh, this is. This is pure Poison. Like a. Like a more intense version of the same.

[Janet Varney]

Yeah.

[Jim]

So I'm gonna go. I think we should go with scents.

[Janet Varney]

Happy to go with scents. I've been waiting to get back to scents for what seems like six clues now.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Well, your. Your patience has been rewarded. Pure Poison is a perfume. Yes. It's by Dior. I like the idea, though, of taking another band's name and putting pure on top of it like that. You're better. Yeah, we're pure Metallica. We're the pure Grateful Dead.

[Jim]

Really?

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah.

[Jim]

We're like pure Blink 186.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Pure Blink 186.

[Jim]

Yeah.

[Janet Varney]

Wait, isn't it Blink 182? Well, they're 186 because they're. You have to add. You have to add four more concentrations. No, no, there's a reason you have to add four more.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, well, they. They.

[Janet Varney]

To make it purer.

[Elliot Kaelin]

So scientists have been working for. For decades now to isolate Blink 186 in lab conditions because it's so much more potent than 182.

[Jim]

The most confusing rock band name ever Cure Blink 186.

[Elliot Kaelin]

They're like. They're being interviewed. So the first question is, you know it's called Blink 182, right? Well, yeah, we knew that. That's why. Okay, let's.

[Janet Varney]

That's why we had to do four. And we are also a death metal.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Red Pure and four rhyme. And so that's why we added four to the. Okay. Okay. Interesting. And you have an album out. No, we haven't gotten perhaps these demos

[Jim]

we'd like you to listen to give us your thoughts.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Is this a perfume or a doom? Let's get serious, everybody. Question number eight. This one is called Antaeus. Antaeus.

[Jim]

I kind of feel like these are great.

[Janet Varney]

I know.

[Jim]

They're great either way. These are great. Questions?

[Janet Varney]

I want a behind the scenes episode where Elliot and the and. And all the people who help write the games talk about when they discovered like wait a minute, I was walking through my life and I realized this would be a great clueless game.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, this is this. This game particular. I don't know if you should get special credit. This game in particular is by Mr. Brockmahan and if you knew him you'd be like, yeah, I know. This game makes sense to me.

[Jim]

I feel like I've heard Antaeus before. Not as music but I've heard it's

[Janet Varney]

a theater company in Los Angeles for sure. But does that help? Like does note for me, knowing that is that useful at all in this scenario? Most likely not.

[Jim]

I think it sounds more like a metal band.

[Janet Varney]

I agree. That was my gut instinct. Which means it's probably not true, but I'm happy to stick with it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Are we in the trying to trick you section of the game yet?

[Jim]

Antaeus, a new fragrance.

[Janet Varney]

It also works basically your voice. Selling any perfume. I would be like, that sounds like it smells great.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's true.

[Jim]

The new.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I could hear you. You could do a commercial and it could be like farts. A new fragrance. I'd be like, it sounds good. Sounds good.

[Jim]

France.

[Janet Varney]

Fart stands for fragrance. Amour Romantic.

[Jim]

Antaeus, what do you think?

[Janet Varney]

I want to go with metal band because we both instinctually thought that right off the cuff.

[Jim]

Okay.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Unfortunately you're wrong.

[Janet Varney]

And I did say it would be wrong, which means we are right.

[Jim]

Let us finish. Let us finish.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Elliot. Sorry. That's right. Antaeus is a Chanel perfume. That's Antaeus. Watch that.

[Jim]

That's where I've heard it.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Question number nine. Edge of sanity. Or what if I say like this? Edge of sanity.

[Janet Varney]

Then I've never been more sure. It's gotta be a death metal band. Cause you're selling it as a sanity.

[Jim]

Yeah, death metal for sure. I love sanity.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Right. That's a jam. They're credited with being one of the first Swedish bands to melt black metal with prog rock. Edge of sanity. Something that it's a thin line between metal and prog rock and they just crossed right over it.

[Jim]

Follow up question. She said prog rock. That was a Jim Henson production, wasn't it?

[Janet Varney]

Oh yeah. Really fun. You're thinking of Proggle Rock. Yeah.

[Jim]

Froggle Rock. Yeah, sorry.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah. Progle rock was when Jim Henson and Emerson, Lake and Palmer teamed up.

[Janet Varney]

So good would watch. Would listen.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Question 10. Our final question. Elixir is elixir. A perfume.

[Janet Varney]

That's got to be a perfume.

[Jim]

It's got to be a perfume. I mean, by. By design. In like, Elixir. The dictionary.

[Janet Varney]

Yeah, you got it right.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's a perfume. I was just waiting for you to finish riffing. It's a perfume.

[Janet Varney]

Unless it's like Bjork's. Like, I'm. This is my heavy metal band Elixir. We go very dark, but we also go very sweet.

[Jim]

Drink bird, like, for flying. Bjork impression.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yes. I like these dueling Bjorks. It's a duet of Bjorks.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

That's the conundrum you're confronted with.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Great work on that game. Unfortunately, I was having too much fun and did not do a good job of keeping score. So let's say you did great. You did a fantastic.

[Jim]

We did great.

[Janet Varney]

That's all we want.

[Jim]

We did great. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We did great.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yeah, you're getting to the sphere now, but you're not done yet. This game still has you in its sadistic clutches because it's time for the most metal part of any episode of Clueless, the Mega Clue.

[Jim]

Mega Clue.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Today's Mega Clue takes the form of a question. Elixir is the designer fragrance of a recording artist who hasn't released a metal album yet, but whose many hits do include some pretty hardcore titles like Man Down, Hate that I Love youe, and B Word Better have My Money. Who is it?

[Janet Varney]

Hmm.

[Jim]

I'm not familiar with any of those song titles.

[Janet Varney]

I know. Which probably means it's like Beyonce or something that we should just know that we should just like, should be part of being an American.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I'll give you an example. One of the biggest recording artists in the world. Yeah.

[Janet Varney]

Well, then I was either right or not far off. Oh, probably is Taylor Swift.

[Jim]

Probably is Taylor Swift.

[Janet Varney]

Elixir. She would name something. She would name something. Elixir.

[Elliot Kaelin]

That's a good guess, but it's not correct.

[Janet Varney]

And that's why I'm not guessing it again.

[Jim]

You never. Let's listen to the up inflection at the end.

[Elliot Kaelin]

I forget that you always make. You have very long pauses. I need to give you time. Yeah. The answer is. Would you like to hear the answer?

[Jim]

Ariana Grande.

[Janet Varney]

It's not Katy Perry.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's not Ariana Grande. But who's someone whose name sounds kind of like Ariana Grande's first name?

[Janet Varney]

Ariana Cronseis.

[Jim]

It's Bariana Krances.

[Elliot Kaelin]

It's Fariana Kranzeis. Yeah. The answer is. Would you like me to tell you?

[Jim]

Yep.

[Elliot Kaelin]

The answer is Rihanna.

[Jim]

Oh, man.

[Janet Varney]

Of course it is. And she's a total badass.

[Elliot Kaelin]

She does that. The video for B Word Better have My Money does feature Mads Mikkelsen, who was in the movie Valhalla Rising, which is maybe the most metal movie. Yes, I think I've ever seen.

[Janet Varney]

Yes.

[Jim]

I love Rihanna. I saw her concert in Vancouver once, and she. When she dances, she makes that stank face, you know, the. That I love. Like, I wish I had some elixir right now.

[Janet Varney]

I know.

[Jim]

I loved it. It was so sexy.

[Janet Varney]

I know. I feel we really let Rihanna down.

[Jim]

Yeah. I'm sorry, Ruby.

[Elliot Kaelin]

And she listens. That's the thing. She writes in constantly. And she says, put me on Clueless. Put me on Clueless. And we go, you're not ready yet. You're not ready yet. Someday. Someday.

[Jim]

This is not gonna help. This is not gonna help that at all.

[Janet Varney]

It's not.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Listeners, did you do as well as Neil and Janet? If so, congratulations. I just had a star named in your honor. One of the little stars way in the back. You can't see it. Trust me. It's there. Just trust me. It's there. Guys, this has been such a fun episode, but the dental hygienist says if I don't stop talking, they're never gonna get this cavity filled. But before they start drilling, I'd like to take a moment to thank Janet Varney and Neil Patrick Harris for answering the question, how much fun can three people have when nobody can see them? Turns out the answer is a lot. And I'd like to thank you, the listener, for eavesdropping on all this fun that we've had. We'll be back next week with more. Smartless presents Clueless, when once again, I'll be your host, Elliot Kaelan, and all will be right in the world. Good night, everybody.

[Janet Varney]

Bye, everybody.

[Jim]

Oh.

[Janet Varney]

Everyone goes to bed listening to this.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Yep. That's a case of using it to put a toddler to sleep.

[Jim]

That was fun.

[Janet Varney]

That was so fun.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Thank you so much, guys. Those were great.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Clueless, you have been listening to Smutless presents Clueless, a Smartless media production in association with SiriusXM. Your host is Elliot Kaelin, who also writes our scripts. Today's contestants were Janet Varney and Neil Patrick Harris. Check out sfsketchfest.com for tickets and schedule. Your producer, editor, and engineer is Devin Tory Bryant, who is me. I also write all the music and sound effects. Today's puzzles were written by Brock Mahan and Jason Reich. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer Maddie McCarthy can social media producer Tommy Galgano. Executive producers are Elliot Kalin, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Remember to follow, subscribe, rate and review the show. It really helps. That's all for now. We will see you again for more.

[Janet Varney]

Smart bless me. Oh, you did not just cut me off and make me spill my coffee. There's no way I'll make it to work. I'll on time.

[T-Mobile Advertiser 1]

Trade in traffic for a tropical getaway.

[Elliot Kaelin]

With the Marriott Bonvoy Boundless Card, you can earn points for free nights at hotels around the world and fast track your escape. Learn [e-mail] boundless restrictions and limitations apply. Offer subject to change. Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank NA

[Janet Varney]

member FDIC this Bosch dishwasher really gets my dishes dry. Bone dry. Um, hello? Who was that? I am your inner Bosch. I'm sorry, what now? The feeling you get when you dismantle drips, eradicate moisture. Some other tough words and stuff lay waste to wetness.

[Neil Patrick Harris]

Yes.

[Elliot Kaelin]

Why didn't I think of that?

[Janet Varney]

I don't know.

[Jim]

Whatever lightning strike, the more you Bosch, the more you feel like a Bosch.