"Holiday Bonus"

Summary

SmartLess Podcast Episode Summary: "Holiday Bonus"

Release Date: December 25, 2024

In the festive episode titled "Holiday Bonus," hosts Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, and Will Arnett engage in their signature blend of witty banter and heartfelt conversation, all while navigating the chaos of holiday preparations and party planning. This episode stands out with a surprise appearance by renowned comedian and late-night host, Conan O'Brien, adding an extra layer of humor and spontaneity to the discussion.

1. Holiday Preparations and Party Antics

The episode kicks off with the hosts sharing humorous anecdotes about their holiday preparations. Sean Hayes mentions setting out cookies, only to discover that the cookies are gone and the milk has mysteriously disappeared.

• Sean Hayes [00:09]: "I showed the cookies. I put them out."
• Will Arnett [00:11]: "There's just crumbs here. And all the milk is gone. Or is that Sean? Sean, did you drink the milk?"

The conversation quickly escalates into playful accusations of sneaking snacks, showcasing the hosts' camaraderie and lighthearted teasing.

2. Holiday Party Invitations and Tensions

A significant portion of the episode revolves around the intricacies of holiday party invitations. The hosts humorously debate their attendance at various holiday gatherings, including Conan's iconic Christmas party and Jen Aniston's glamorous events.

• Jason Bateman [03:33]: "No one comes to my party."
• Conan O'Brien [03:50]: "But yeah, those were Sean's words once he said that."

The discussion highlights the competitive nature of holiday parties in Hollywood, with each host playfully jockeying for social prominence and attendance at high-profile events.

3. Podcast Invitations and Professional Jousting

The hosts delve into the challenges of being invited to each other's podcasts, leading to a comedic exchange about missed invitations and publicist miscommunications.

• Jason Bateman [05:06]: "But I'll tell you something. Tell Me."
• Will Arnett [05:27]: "I swear on my kid's life, I can't remember being invited."

This segment underscores the behind-the-scenes dynamics of celebrity friendships and the sometimes tangled web of scheduling and professional commitments.

4. Guest Appearance by Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien's unexpected entrance adds a lively twist to the episode. He engages in the banter, referencing past collaborations and teasing the hosts about their podcast dynamics.

• Conan O'Brien [11:01]: "If I were ever to be invited to be on your podcast, would I have to drive to you and be in some studio and be camera ready and hair and makeup?"

The interaction between Conan and the hosts brings a fresh energy, blending humor with genuine camaraderie as they reminisce about past projects and explore future collaborations.

5. Holiday Cheer and Closing Remarks

As the episode draws to a close, the hosts shift towards a more heartfelt tone, expressing appreciation for each other's friendship and the shared moments that make their podcast special.

• Jason Bateman [12:42]: "Let's end on a happy note, which is it's the holidays and hey, you're the best looking guys I know. I love you guys. You're hilarious."

The closing remarks reinforce the underlying theme of the episode: celebrating friendships and the joy of the holiday season, even amidst playful rivalries and comedic escapades.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Sean Hayes [00:09]: "I showed the cookies. I put them out."
• Jason Bateman [03:33]: "No one comes to my party."
• Conan O'Brien [11:01]: "If I were ever to be invited to be on your podcast, would I have to drive to you and be in some studio and be camera ready and hair and makeup?"
• Jason Bateman [12:42]: "Let's end on a happy note... I love you guys. You're hilarious."

Conclusion

"Holiday Bonus" encapsulates the essence of SmartLess—organic hilarity combined with genuine dialogue. The episode's focus on holiday festivities, intertwined with humorous jabs and heartfelt sentiments, offers listeners both entertainment and a glimpse into the authentic relationships between the hosts. Conan O'Brien's guest appearance further elevates the episode, making it a memorable addition to the SmartLess series.

Transcript

[Sean Hayes]

Good morning. Oh, my God.

[Jason Bateman]

Good morning.

[Will Arnett]

Oh, my God.

[Sean Hayes]

I showed the cookies. I put them out.

[Will Arnett]

Oh, my God. There's just crumbs here. And all the milk is gone. Or is that Sean? Sean, did you drink the milk?

[Sean Hayes]

I might have drinking. I might have done both. I might have eaten the cookies and drink the milk.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hey, Sean, where are your pants?

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, it's a holiday surprise. Welcome to Smartless.

[Unknown]

Smart, smart, smart.

[Conan O'Brien]

So what's. What do we got going on for the holidays, you guys? We're gonna be.

[Will Arnett]

I'm looking to. I'm gonna be going to a beach. Beach environment. And you're gonna be there as well, Will. And I think Sean's not gonna be there.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, what are we. What are we gonna do pre Christmas? We should. We get to. We should get together.

[Will Arnett]

I'm sure we'll be at a. At a holiday party, maybe. I got the invite for Conan Y. I think so. Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

But you said that you might not be able to make it because there's.

[Will Arnett]

Another thing on that night that we got to go to, but that's not starting until 9, so it looks like I can squeeze Conan in, huh?

[Jason Bateman]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, no.

[Jason Bateman]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. No, wait, wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Excuse me.

[Conan O'Brien]

Excuse me.

[Jason Bateman]

Bateman.

[Will Arnett]

Get Bateman.

[Jason Bateman]

Hold on.

[Will Arnett]

You just ambush me, Arnett.

[Jason Bateman]

Bateman. Bateman. You're going to squeeze me in?

[Will Arnett]

Yeah, I'm going to. See, I'm going to be one of those.

[Jason Bateman]

Squeeze me in.

[Will Arnett]

You're going to be. You're going to be the early part of my night. The night that I don't really care about. Because then I'm going to go to the party that I really want to go to after you.

[Jason Bateman]

Guess what? I know what that party is, by the way. I know what that party is. And if I could get into that party, I'd be at that party instead of my party.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

No, she doesn't like you.

[Jason Bateman]

Hey, can I tell you, you're not.

[Will Arnett]

You're not going.

[Jason Bateman]

First of all, that is Christian Amanpour loves me and she will have me to her party. That is the party everyone wants to go to. Let me tell you something, Jason. And that's called sports. You'll pick it up someday. Let me say something, Bateman. You. That's called speed. You bitched. You bitched on this podcast.

[Conan O'Brien]

Was it live on stage, Conan, remember?

[Will Arnett]

And on stage.

[Jason Bateman]

And on stage. You bitched and moaned on. Harmless. What's the name of it? What Is it?

[Will Arnett]

It's harmless.

[Jason Bateman]

Harmless. You bitched. You bitched.

[Will Arnett]

Marmless.

[Jason Bateman]

You bitched and moaned about not being invited to Conan's Christmas party, which has become an iconic party. It's quite a. And.

[Will Arnett]

And yet I. And. And yet I didn't. And so last year was the first invite.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah. Finally, I invited you. And what did you do?

[Will Arnett]

What did you do? I couldn't make it.

[Jason Bateman]

And what were you doing? What were you doing instead?

[Will Arnett]

I can't remember. Yesterday.

[Sean Hayes]

I remember what was.

[Jason Bateman]

I remember what you were doing instead. You were seeing Jen. No, you were. No, he wasn't at Jen.

[Will Arnett]

I'm gonna go back in my calendar here. December 20th. December 20th.

[Sean Hayes]

No, you weren't. No, you weren't in town.

[Jason Bateman]

Christmas.

[Will Arnett]

Was it the 23rd?

[Jason Bateman]

Guess what? A friend of mine saw you.

[Will Arnett]

I was at Jen's party.

[Jason Bateman]

Nope. You showed up late at Jen's party. A friend of mine saw you at Meineke Mufflers on La Cienigo. They said that you.

[Will Arnett]

That's when the lines are the shortest.

[Jason Bateman]

They said you were there for four hours.

[Conan O'Brien]

Here's.

[Jason Bateman]

And listen to this. Hanging around. Hanging around with no need of a muffler repair. Just chatting people up.

[Will Arnett]

I have an electric car. Yeah, there's no muffler at all.

[Conan O'Brien]

Conan. The worst part is that I heard that he really. He was gonna go to your party. He ripped his own muffler off.

[Jason Bateman]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Just to delay going to your house.

[Jason Bateman]

He ripped it off just so he wouldn't have to go. Now look, everyone says, oh, would you go to Conan's party? Would you go to Jen Aniston's party? Of course everyone would go to Jen Aniston's party. She's beautiful, she's iconic, she's a movie star, she's a TV star. And what am I? Some thin lipped, beady eyed creep. I get it. No one comes to my party.

[Conan O'Brien]

But yeah, those were Sean's words once he said that.

[Will Arnett]

I never said that. He wrote to say that.

[Jason Bateman]

He wrote them in the New Yorker. They were in a piece of the New Yorker called why no one likes Conan O'Brien.

[Will Arnett]

Sean, Sean, you've been to this party.

[Sean Hayes]

I've been to this party, but the only reason I get to go is because I have to go early to set up.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's.

[Will Arnett]

Oh, yeah, you have to work it.

[Jason Bateman]

You have to remember. Sean, before he hit it on. On Will and Grace, worked the party for seven years.

[Conan O'Brien]

He was a cater waiter. Yeah, he was a cater waiter.

[Will Arnett]

I feel like that's a true Story is it?

[Sean Hayes]

But that is a true story. I did it. I set up some party stuff at Anthony Edwards house before.

[Jason Bateman]

Was he kind to you?

[Sean Hayes]

He was very kind. He was very kind. Good guy. But, but, but Conan's part. Your party's always super fun.

[Conan O'Brien]

Don't start going like, good guy. What are you the decider of like, yeah, good guy.

[Jason Bateman]

You don't know.

[Will Arnett]

You can't judge people.

[Jason Bateman]

Can I say something? I'll tell you who a good guy is. A good guy is someone who, I think I've done Smartless a couple of times. Sort of the boost. The boost the numbers for you guys a little bit and help you get launched, I think, which was a big help. People were like, I don't want to hear these guys. Who are these got to work actors? And then, hey, Conan's going on. I'll check it out. But listen then. So I did that for you guys. Okay, then to return the favor, Sean Hayes, Ben, here. Talk to me on my podcast. Will Arnett come? Sometimes when we don't even invite him. Just hanging around, holding onto his muffler.

[Will Arnett]

And then how have I not been invited?

[Jason Bateman]

Oh, you have been invited to my podcast many times.

[Will Arnett]

No way.

[Jason Bateman]

Many times.

[Will Arnett]

No way.

[Jason Bateman]

Many times, Adam. Many times. Many times. And your publicist. Your publicist. And this is a quote from your publicist. Not his cup of tea. Not his cup of tea.

[Will Arnett]

I swear on my kid's life, I can't remember being invited.

[Conan O'Brien]

Ask Adam if this is true. Conan.

[Jason Bateman]

Ask Adam three times.

[Conan O'Brien]

He said he, he couldn't make it because of prior muffler engagement.

[Jason Bateman]

Okay, all right, listen, that's a three time callback and that's a felony. Listen, Adam, Adam, Adam. Is it not true that he has been invited many times and that his publicist. I don't remember her name. I think it's texting them right now. I think it's Enid. Enid Crud. I think is her name said cup of tea. I can confirm he's been invited multiple times. You left Crud.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wow.

[Will Arnett]

No, I'm texting Cara Trapechio and Christine Trapechio right now saying, show me the receipts of my invites to Conan.

[Jason Bateman]

That's right. Because there's always a, there's always a money exchange when I ask you to.

[Sean Hayes]

Come up, you know, have I.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you think that they're going to let you feel bad about this? This is their businesses just dancing around your rage fits, babe. And there's no way that they're defeated.

[Jason Bateman]

And I'll tell you something. Tell Me.

[Will Arnett]

Conan. How do you spell your name real quick?

[Jason Bateman]

Okay. All right. Jason. If that's even your real name. Or a N. Jason. It's K, O, N, I, N. Jesus.

[Will Arnett]

Did you hear the little whoop that. That text just went off in time.

[Sean Hayes]

We're going to get Jason.

[Jason Bateman]

You're.

[Sean Hayes]

You're going to go this year for the very first time. This is going to the party, but.

[Will Arnett]

Not to the podcast. I would like to be a guest on Kona's pod.

[Jason Bateman]

You have been invited.

[Will Arnett]

Empire.

[Jason Bateman]

You have been invited.

[Will Arnett]

He's our north star. What he's been able to build there with that podcast empire. And I would like to go see how it's really done.

[Jason Bateman]

Well, thank you. And you know what?

[Conan O'Brien]

Right off camera, he was going like this.

[Jason Bateman]

And. And just so in case anyone knows, that's either the jerk off motion or the shucking corn motion. I don't know what that is. Wait, you know, I'm going to wrap this up soon because I have a guest. When is Taylor Swift coming in? Is she coming in now? She's coming in in person, right?

[Will Arnett]

Oh, my God.

[Jason Bateman]

I don't know what the c. You guys probably had her. But anyway, she's coming in. She's coming in with Travis. Travis Kelce.

[Sean Hayes]

That's cool.

[Will Arnett]

That's the white whale.

[Sean Hayes]

Anyway, Conan, why are you wearing. Why are you wearing such a thick leather jacket indoors?

[Conan O'Brien]

Jacket indoors? Yeah.

[Jason Bateman]

I was given this leather jacket by the actors who portrayed both Starsky and Hutch about 15 years ago. And I swore they said, we'll give this to you if you wear it on the podcast every day. And I do. I do. And it's very cold here in our studio. Cause we also store. This is a meat storage facility, primarily.

[Will Arnett]

Look at that. You do have a beautiful studio there. We're hostage videos here with little laptops.

[Jason Bateman]

You know, I find to really get a great interview. I haven't really listened to what you guys are doing, but to get a really good interview, you want to be in person and have a real connection.

[Conan O'Brien]

By the way, let us know if. When you do get a good interview, let us know if your theory bears out, you know? Oh, we'd love to hear.

[Will Arnett]

Now, Conan, if I were ever to be invited to be on your podcast, would I have to drive to you and be in some studio and be camera ready and hair and makeup?

[Jason Bateman]

No, no, no. I'll make a deal with you. Okay, Jason, I'm gonna deal with you. I don't ever want you to leave your bubble. I want you to stay in the world where you're it and everything's cool. So I would wait.

[Will Arnett]

Here's a real time response from my publicist. I said, have I ever been invited to be on Conan's podcast?

[Jason Bateman]

And she says, yes.

[Will Arnett]

Yes. And you were. Yes. And you asked us to tell them you were focused on your own for now. Wow. Exclamation point.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah. And how many years have you guys been focusing on your own? This isn't. This isn't a new endeav for you guys.

[Will Arnett]

I am so embarrassed. When was that? Yeah, Yeah, I don't remember that at all. And I do. I make it a point to do people's podcasts that have been so nice with us.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah, done.

[Will Arnett]

Dax's. Multiple times.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah. Oh, multiple times for Dax. Oh, that's nice.

[Will Arnett]

Multiple. David Cross is one that. I don't even know if it's on the air anymore.

[Jason Bateman]

Listen, that has never actually gone out. David crosses his.

[Will Arnett]

What's the address? I'm driving over there right now.

[Jason Bateman]

No, no, no. I don't want you here anymore.

[Will Arnett]

I'm driving. Tell Taylor to pump it.

[Jason Bateman]

And she's.

[Will Arnett]

She's now. She's now the second guest.

[Jason Bateman]

Can I tell you, this is gonna.

[Sean Hayes]

Be an awkward Christmas.

[Jason Bateman]

I don't buy this whole thing, and I don't think your compatriots on the podcast do either. This whole thing that. Oh, someone who works for me was cruel and mean on my behalf. That's coming from you, Bateman.

[Will Arnett]

No, it's coming from you. You asked us to tell them you were focused on your own for now. I'm admitting to there was some garbage that came out of my mouth that I don't remember, but I'm not denying. And I owe you a hugee, and I'm gonna come over and give it to you.

[Jason Bateman]

No, no, no. I don't want you there now. I think that.

[Will Arnett]

No, I'm coming. I'm coming because what am I going to do?

[Jason Bateman]

I'm going to stand around.

[Will Arnett]

I'm your new Andy Richter.

[Jason Bateman]

I can't wait.

[Will Arnett]

Podcast Andy Richter for at least 12 episodes.

[Jason Bateman]

I'm going to sit around at my party and watch you not eat and then look at your watch while you think about, oh, when am I going to go see? I got to go to Jen's. I got to go to Jen's. I want to be there when she's getting a, you know, a dry blow haircut, whatever it's called. I want to be there when she's styled. No, I'm not.

[Will Arnett]

It's A blowout at a dry bar.

[Jason Bateman]

Okay, well, I'm sorry, I haven't. I didn't grow up in Hollywood like you freaks. I come from the real working class Toronto, you asshole. Oh, yeah, Toronto. North La Cienega. That is even funny. I'm giving you stuff. C material at best.

[Sean Hayes]

Could you ever. Hey, Conan, would you ever get a blowout on your hair?

[Jason Bateman]

Let's just say it's been done. You know what I'm saying?

[Conan O'Brien]

Nobody knows what that means. Nobody knows what that means.

[Jason Bateman]

I'm be honest with you, Will. I don't understand means. Okay? And if you want to, if you want to drive a truck, you want to drive the best truck possible.

[Conan O'Brien]

If I, I will say this about you, Conan. I'm going to pay you a compliment here because it is the holidays, and I will say this. I did your podcast years ago. The. The first time I did it, I did a live show. I've done a lot.

[Jason Bateman]

You've done a lot. You've helped me out a lot. And you know what? You repaid the favor that you, the three of you owed me. Two of you have repaid it very kindly. Thank you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. And I will say it was after doing your podcast, I was able to come back in and I said to these guys, I said, if this freaking ding dong or no. What are we doing? Yeah, what are we doing? You know what I mean?

[Will Arnett]

What's the fella's name over there? Adam. Yeah, what's his name?

[Jason Bateman]

Adam. Adam.

[Will Arnett]

Adam. Okay, Adam.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know.

[Sean Hayes]

Adam's great.

[Will Arnett]

Hi, Adam. Let's just make sure you got a good WI fi signal there on your phone or bars or something like that. Let's just keep an eye on it. We got an incoming now he's inviting himself on here. We're gonna book it right now.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah, we're gonna book it. We're gonna book you on the podcast. You know what?

[Will Arnett]

Guess what I'm gonna do?

[Jason Bateman]

What, Jason?

[Will Arnett]

I'm gonna guest host. When you need to go out of town and vacation with your beautiful family, you need someone to go in there.

[Jason Bateman]

I'm going to the beach. You guys are going to. Aren't you going to a beach together? I want to go to that beach. I want to hang with.

[Will Arnett]

We'll do it from the beach.

[Jason Bateman]

I want to do it with the. I just want to hang with the SmartWest crowd. That's the cool crowd on the block. No one wants to.

[Will Arnett]

It came there. She's. She's got follow up here. The request came in when you were filming Black Rabbit. And then they followed up to ask. Okay, so this is in process.

[Jason Bateman]

What's.

[Will Arnett]

So this is.

[Jason Bateman]

What's process? What's Black Rabbit?

[Sean Hayes]

This is the Black Rabbit's new show. It's gonna be on Netflix.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's amazing.

[Will Arnett]

I'm gonna come on and promote it on your show.

[Jason Bateman]

Sorry. Oh, so you'll come when it's time to promote something. Okay, well, I hope you get the word out on Black Rabbit.

[Will Arnett]

Call Adam immediately.

[Jason Bateman]

Listen, listen, guys. Let's end on a happy note, which is it's the holidays and hey, you're the best looking guys I know. I love you guys. You're hilarious.

[Will Arnett]

Love you too, Connor.

[Jason Bateman]

Two of you have meant a lot to me and I just want to say I look forward to seeing you at my party. And then we'll all leave after three minutes and go to Jen's. Thanks.

[Sean Hayes]

Thank you, Conan, for the holiday cheer.

[Will Arnett]

We love you.

[Jason Bateman]

God bless you. God bless you, Conan.

[Will Arnett]

I love you and I'm sorry. And the payback's going to be you're going to. You're going to feel horrible how much I give in the days to come.

[Jason Bateman]

In the days to come.

[Conan O'Brien]

He's doing your podcast this Saturday. He's going to give a speech.

[Jason Bateman]

Oh, good.

[Conan O'Brien]

Standing next to the ham.

[Will Arnett]

I'm going to break 16 hams.

[Jason Bateman]

Guys, I got to go. T. Swift is here. Peace out.

[Sean Hayes]

Peace out.

[Conan O'Brien]

Thank you, Conan. You're the best.

[Will Arnett]

Bye, Conan.

[Jason Bateman]

Bye. Bye, you guys.

[Will Arnett]

God damn it.

[Unknown]

Smart, smart.

[Conan O'Brien]

Less.