"RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"

Summary

SmartLess Podcast Episode Summary: "RE-RELEASE: John Mulaney"

Podcast Information:

• Title: SmartLess
• Hosts: Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett
• Guest: John Mulaney
• Release Date: March 13, 2025
• Description: In each episode of SmartLess, one of the hosts reveals a mystery guest, leading to authentic and humorous conversations filled with laughter and insightful discussions.

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1. Opening Conversations and Setting the Stage

Timestamp: 02:04 – 08:03

The episode kicks off with the hosts engaging in their signature witty banter. Will Arnett humorously mentions battling COVID-19, prompting concern from his co-hosts, Sean Hayes and Jason Bateman.

• Will Arnett [02:41]: "Well, maybe it's because I'm suffering deeply from COVID... But I didn't cancel today. I'm gonna fight through and I'm going to do a great session."

This light-hearted exchange sets a relaxed and humorous tone for the episode.

2. The Glory Hole Conversation

Timestamp: 04:04 – 08:03

Sean Hayes introduces an unusual topic about glory holes in a male hookup app's nearby department store, sparking curiosity and laughter among the hosts.

• Sean Hayes [04:16]: "There's a certain chain department store nearby here... the bathroom and changing room at this place has glory holes."

The conversation delves into the concept, with the hosts humorously dissecting the idea of multiple glory holes and their implications.

• John Mulaney [08:28]: "Is it drywall? Because I always thought it was the wall of a bathroom stall. Which would be metal."

This segment serves as a humorous lead-in to their guest, John Mulaney, highlighting the hosts' playful dynamic.

3. Introducing John Mulaney

Timestamp: 08:03 – 11:02

Jason Bateman enthusiastically introduces John Mulaney, highlighting his multifaceted career.

• Jason Bateman [08:04]: "I can best describe our guest today as that guy from that thing. But truly, he's in everything... Boy, does he make me laugh. It's Mr. John Mulaney."

John Mulaney acknowledges his familiarity with the show and praises the hosts.

• John Mulaney [10:51]: "I'm very, very flattered to be here. I've listened to, I think, almost every episode of the show."

4. John Mulaney’s Journey in Comedy

Timestamp: 11:02 – 25:12

The conversation shifts to John’s early career, his time at Georgetown University, and his entry into the world of comedy.

• John Mulaney [24:22]: "I started doing stand up at a couple... Not even open mics, just like weird variety nights at places like the Note near Wicker Park."

John recounts his internship roles and how he balanced studying theology and English with his burgeoning comedy career.

• John Mulaney [25:12]: "This was Georgetown University in Washington, D.C., right."

He discusses his influences and the pivotal moments that shaped his comedic style.

• John Mulaney [25:56]: "Judaism was a lot of like, who the hell are you to ask, you know, like, is there a God? Like, who the hell are you?"

5. Stand-Up Process and Writing Specials

Timestamp: 34:13 – 35:55

John delves into his stand-up routine preparation and the evolution of his comedy specials.

• John Mulaney [35:15]: "It depends on how much I toured before the special... This one will be like, this one will be close to a year, maybe over. I'm on the Road steadily right now."

He explains how touring influences his material and the rigorous process behind crafting a Netflix special.

• John Mulaney [35:55]: "I'm a little... I remember a professor in college said someone was like, someone said just taking it one day at a time."

6. Life on Tour and Personal Habits

Timestamp: 35:55 – 39:50

The hosts discuss the challenges and experiences of life on the road, with John sharing his quirks and routines.

• John Mulaney [36:07]: "I like hotel living. I really like tour bus living."

He humorously details his sleep arrangements and the unconventional items he brings along.

• John Mulaney [37:25]: "I have this masochistic fantasy of doing one set of stand up, but I would have no idea how to, how to write a session of."

7. Fatherhood and Balancing Personal Life

Timestamp: 48:20 – 51:23

John opens up about becoming a father and the adjustments it brings to his life and career.

• John Mulaney [50:00]: "I know, I know what you're gonna say. I'm gonna have an. I'm gonna be like, semi stern. I'm gonna be like... I can't imagine ever criticizing anything this kid does."

He discusses the dynamics with his wife, Olivia, and how they navigate parenting roles.

• John Mulaney [51:01]: "She's very organized, very disciplined in a way that I'm not."

8. Heckler Story and Live Performances

Timestamp: 54:09 – 58:04

John shares a memorable experience dealing with a heckler during a stand-up set at the Bonnaroo Music Festival.

• John Mulaney [54:09]: "I was doing stand up. And this guy yelled... We'd enjoy silence more than the sound of your voice."

His witty response showcases his quick thinking and comedic prowess.

• John Mulaney [55:34]: "Hey, you. Sayonara, sucker. Jump on the back of the golf carts, feet away."

9. Final Discussions and Reflections

Timestamp: 58:07 – 60:26

The conversation wraps up with reflections on John’s work ethic, his relationship with his fellow hosts, and the future of his career.

• Sean Hayes [58:45]: "He is... He's the Sade of comedy. He's a smooth operator."

The hosts express their admiration for John’s dedication and his continuous creative output.

• John Mulaney [60:04]: "I'd love a knockout obituary and great speeches at the memorial service. But like then I can't think, you know what's."

10. Closing Remarks

Timestamp: 64:08 – 66:12

The episode concludes with the hosts jokingly returning to earlier topics and giving final praises to John.

• Sean Hayes [64:09]: "Smartless is 100% organic and artisanally handcrafted by Michael Grant Terry Rob Armcharve, and Bennett Barbico. Smart. Less."

• John Mulaney [65:52]: "It actually doesn't [stink]. Fresh Step's new Heavy Duty litter fights odor three times longer than the leading brand."

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Notable Quotes:

• Will Arnett [02:41]: "But I didn't cancel today. I'm gonna fight through and I'm going to do a great session."

• John Mulaney [08:28]: "Is it drywall? Because I always thought it was the wall of a bathroom stall. Which would be metal."

• John Mulaney [25:56]: "Judaism was a lot of like, who the hell are you to ask, you know, like, is there a God? Like, who the hell are you?"

• John Mulaney [35:55]: "I'm a little... I remember a professor in college said someone was like, someone said just taking it one day at a time."

• John Mulaney [50:00]: "I know, I know what you're gonna say. I'm gonna have an... I'm gonna be like, semi stern. I'm gonna be like..."

• John Mulaney [55:34]: "Hey, you. Sayonara, sucker. Jump on the back of the golf carts, feet away."

• Sean Hayes [64:09]: "Smartless is 100% organic and artisanally handcrafted by Michael Grant Terry Rob Armcharve, and Bennett Barbico. Smart. Less."

---

Conclusion:

In this engaging episode of SmartLess, hosts Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, and Will Arnett explore the multifaceted career and personal life of comedian John Mulaney. Through a blend of humor, insightful discussions, and personal anecdotes, listeners gain a comprehensive understanding of John's journey in comedy, his creative processes, and the balancing act of fatherhood. The episode is a testament to the authentic and organic conversations that SmartLess is renowned for, providing both laughs and meaningful insights.

Transcript

[Jason Bateman]

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[Will Arnett]

Last year, Americans ate 32 billion chicken wings. Who knows just how many helpless sides of celery were heartlessly thrown away? But this year, celery neglect stops with you and irresistible Jif peanut butter because every bite counts. And you can make a snack to make a difference. You can buy a jar of Jif to save the celery.

[Sean Hayes]

Well, the fans are filing in here at Smartless arena and we're ready for a great game. I think that all the teams today are ready to go and there's a lot on the line here. So let's see how they do over here on an all new Smartless. Smart. Smart.

[Will Arnett]

Less.

[Sean Hayes]

Smart less. Listen, I just want to say this, Jay. I haven't. Because I haven't until now. I think it's so brave.

[Will Arnett]

Oh, for you to.

[Sean Hayes]

With. With your eyewear to go. Sally Jesse Raphael. Because I. I love the look. I I. For me, I love it.

[Will Arnett]

Well, Sally Jesse would be a.

[Jason Bateman]

A red.

[Will Arnett]

A red. Yeah. This is a black.

[Jason Bateman]

But those do look like the same shape.

[Sean Hayes]

Same shape. Yeah, they are the same shape.

[Will Arnett]

Wait, do. Am I usually wearing a different pair of glasses? Aren't they?

[Sean Hayes]

I don't know. But for some reason, for some reason, today those look a little more casting you in a different light. They're casting you in a different role.

[Will Arnett]

Well, maybe it's because I'm suffering deeply from COVID No, maybe that's what you're seeing.

[Jason Bateman]

Will, you don't have it.

[Will Arnett]

Why don't you have a little bit more sympathy for me Because I'm lousy.

[Jason Bateman]

With COVID Do you really haven't.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah, but I didn't cancel today. I'm gonna fight through and I'm going to do a great session.

[Jason Bateman]

Wait do you feel like shit?

[Will Arnett]

No. I'm on day six. So I'm still testing positive, but the symptoms are all but gone. I don't know if you can. I still sound a little. Kind of 1993 Sunday morning, you know, a little backed up, a little nitzy.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah. So you've had to tough it out there at your house.

[Will Arnett]

It's not that tough. I've been old gooseack. I'm. I'm feeling goose. Shack.

[Sean Hayes]

The goo shack.

[Will Arnett]

That's chronic masturbator, apparently. Okay.

[Sean Hayes]

Can I tell you that. You want to hear a funny story? Sorry.

[Will Arnett]

Let me just close the COVID loop for once.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay. Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

And let me say thank you to all the geniuses that. That develop this vaccine, because I could tell that this is. I've had a pretty minor thing, you know, but were it not for the vaccine, I could tell this would not just be a cold. This. This would be. There's. There's. There's. There's a little engine in this thing that the vaccine neutralizes pretty well. So thank you to the smart folks in the world, the scientists and whatnot.

[Jason Bateman]

So you're welcome.

[Sean Hayes]

Well. Well, yeah. From Sean and I, from the bottom of both of our hearts, you're welcome. And dark coal.

[Jason Bateman]

So what are you gonna say, Will?

[Sean Hayes]

So there's a. In this. Where I'm. Where I'm. I currently am. And I'm. Let's just keep it anonymous, because I don't want to, but there's a. There's a certain chain department store nearby here. One of the people on our crew, he tells me that there is a. On a certain app on his phone that's used for male hookups, that the. That the bathroom and changing room at this place has glory holes.

[Jason Bateman]

What's the address? What's the address?

[Sean Hayes]

Hold on.

[Will Arnett]

Wa.

[John Mulaney]

Did you.

[Will Arnett]

Was there an S on the end of hole?

[Sean Hayes]

Holes?

[Will Arnett]

So I want to. Can we double back to the multiple holes? Because I got questions, but go ahead.

[Sean Hayes]

For sure. And so as we're working on the show, I have worked it into virtually every aspect of hosting this thing. People talking about their Lego and their build, and this thing has a hole. And I go, somebody did a cruise ship. I said, you know, the only cruising I do is in the men's department over at Blah blah blah. And the contestants have no idea what I'm talking about. And all the crew are dying because everybody now knows about this.

[Jason Bateman]

Wait, who told you this?

[Sean Hayes]

A guy on our. A guy that I work with who's on one of these Apps is fair for hooking up with other dudes and goes, guess what? You'll never believe. Like less than a mile from here is a full hookup thing. Glory, plural, holes, Right at this place. And I said, why wouldn't it just be hookup? It's, why is it glory holes? Like, is that a real thing?

[Jason Bateman]

He said, yes, that's like left over from the 80s. I didn't know that existed.

[Will Arnett]

So, so first of all, the, the, the, the general concept of the glory hole is you can go ahead and you can put, put, put, put yourself in there and see what you get kind of thing. Or is it, is it.

[Sean Hayes]

Well, first of all, it depends on what side of it you're on.

[Jason Bateman]

That's right. Well, I love that you guys are. You can ask me.

[Sean Hayes]

Well, Sean, have you ever been to a glory hole?

[Will Arnett]

No, but, but is the concept that you're too ashamed to have a face to face hookup and that you just want to put it in the mystery box?

[Jason Bateman]

To be honest, I don't understand because the mystery box, you don't know what's on the other side. You don't know the age, the STD level of that person.

[Will Arnett]

That was my next question. If you have multiple holes, and so I'm imagining that they vary in girth and so will that then tell you a, where you sit in the, in the, the whole scale of things, but also what, what, what you're, what you're hoping is on the other side?

[Jason Bateman]

I don't, but see, I don't know if it's ever, ever revealed.

[Sean Hayes]

I don't think it's ever revealed. You, it never gets Revolver.

[Jason Bateman]

Are we, are we crafting a new reality show that like there's a reveal on the other side of somebody?

[Will Arnett]

Will, aren't you just kind of. Will, you can, why don't you.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, I want to go over there so bad.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah, go over there with your iPhone and just photograph what these holes look like and maybe what sort of, what sort of language.

[Jason Bateman]

And then we're going to be like, we haven't heard from Will in two hours.

[Sean Hayes]

And the other thing is, I want to tell like we drive by every morning, like 7:00am we drive every, just there's like a line and it's like the mayor, the local pastor, like all.

[Will Arnett]

These, they're all coming out of the shop, right?

[Sean Hayes]

And they're all in there. And then the manager of the place goes, he's like, man, we got a line backed up here every day, but we do not move a lot of Product.

[Will Arnett]

It's kind, but everybody. It just seems to. Everybody's all filled up before they come in here. They empty and they leave.

[Sean Hayes]

They're empty or then they go. Then they go in the dressing room, and I guess nothing fits. We got the wrong product. None of our product is fitting anybody.

[Jason Bateman]

That's hysterical. We haven't sold a shirt.

[Sean Hayes]

Can you imagine my delight when he told me this?

[Jason Bateman]

Yes.

[Sean Hayes]

When he told me that this was going on, I was he.

[Jason Bateman]

By the way, does he frequent this place?

[Sean Hayes]

No, he hasn't gone. He hasn't gone, but he. Sure, that's what he says. That's what he says.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

All right, well, you go. You bring us back a video, would you?

[Sean Hayes]

I will. I'll get. I'll keep you guys posted. Sorry. Anyway.

[Jason Bateman]

And then send it to me as well. All right. So this is a perfect segue.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay.

[Jason Bateman]

Into our guest.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay. Wow.

[Jason Bateman]

I can best describe our guest today as that guy from that thing. But truly, he's in everything. You may know him from snl, which doesn't narrow it down much. Although he's credited for co creating Bill Hader's iconic character of Stephon. He's got not one, but three Netflix comedy specials. He stars as a chipmunk in Chip N. Rescue Rangers on Disney. Boy, does he make me laugh. It's Mr. John Mulaney.

[Will Arnett]

John Mulaney has.

[Jason Bateman]

Look at him.

[Will Arnett]

Hey, John, what do you have to say about the whole glory hole thing before we wrap that up?

[John Mulaney]

Is it drywall?

[Sean Hayes]

Great question.

[John Mulaney]

Because I always thought it was the wall of a bathro stall. Which would be metal.

[Will Arnett]

Metal, right. Yeah. No, that's a separator. That's for wide stance, folks.

[Jason Bateman]

It would have to be. It would have to be drywall. Yeah. Or plywood.

[John Mulaney]

Or plywood. That's scarier.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

I've got to go check it out. I mean, obviously, I'm just obsessed with knowing the answer to all of this.

[Jason Bateman]

Sure.

[Will Arnett]

I just want to know what's written around it. You know, like, usually somebody's really, kind of really running their mouth there when they write on a. On a. On a. On a. On a separator. Right.

[John Mulaney]

Between a separator. But you think maybe there'd be more grace and dignity to the glory hole, where it's like, there's no need to write crude things.

[Will Arnett]

Some sort of encouraging line, you know, the act itself.

[Sean Hayes]

Because it's about love.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. And this is. It's all love, and we're going to move through it with love.

[Will Arnett]

Maybe it's a Washington Post thing. Your truth dies in the darkness. Go ahead and enter. Something like that.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. You don't need all the arrows and the innuendo and. And the little limericks, which are in poor taste.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

Let's not be childish. We all know why we're. Why we're here.

[Jason Bateman]

It's a helmet On a helmet.

[Will Arnett]

Do you think that there's, like, some ink. Ink. Hair. You know, like some drawing of some hair and stuff like that, or is it just like, a smiley face?

[Sean Hayes]

I'm sorry, what?

[John Mulaney]

Okay, I could see if they have those screens you sometimes see in elevators that give you, like, the news, you know, they give you, like, limited financial.

[Will Arnett]

And entertainment news in case you've got stamina.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. If you're standing there for a while, you want to know, what if it.

[Sean Hayes]

Says something in, like, something inspiring, like, you know, when the football players run through it, like Notre Dame and there's something over the door. If there's just something real inspiring over.

[Will Arnett]

What would get you charged up, Will? What. What would you want to slap?

[Jason Bateman]

Go, go, go.

[Sean Hayes]

You know, I don't know, like, you.

[Will Arnett]

Go get him.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, go get him.

[Jason Bateman]

Go get him.

[Sean Hayes]

You know, go bravely into the void or something. You know what I mean?

[Will Arnett]

Let me tell you something. This is not the way we started our session with David Remnick. Okay? I can.

[Sean Hayes]

I'm assure you, Mr. Mulaney, it is.

[John Mulaney]

How you started with Vivek Murthy, I think you believe. It's almost the exact same banter, which is very similar. It's a major let.

[Sean Hayes]

But that was more about the dangers of a glory hole.

[Will Arnett]

I know.

[John Mulaney]

Because he's got to be that guy.

[Sean Hayes]

He has to.

[Jason Bateman]

Mr. Mulaney, thank you for being here today.

[John Mulaney]

I'm very, very flattered to be here. I've. I've listened to, I think, almost every episode of the show.

[Sean Hayes]

No way.

[Jason Bateman]

Will you listen to your own.

[John Mulaney]

Absolutely. Yeah.

[Jason Bateman]

All right, good.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah.

[Jason Bateman]

John Mulaney. I'm such a. And I think we all are such big fans. Your last Saturday Night Live was so. They all. They're all great. But that last one was so fucking funny. Your monologue was genius. I was like. It was so funny.

[Will Arnett]

How do you find such comfort? Such comfort and such ease? Is it because you've been there so long? It is like home, right?

[John Mulaney]

It is a little bit like. Yeah. It's like going back to school in a way, because you fall right back into the same. Like, fall back into the same insecurities and securities.

[Will Arnett]

Right.

[John Mulaney]

And in terms of doing the Monologue. It's so scary and it's so many people that it's laughable. I think I get relaxed because if something went wrong, it would go so wrong.

[Sean Hayes]

Right.

[John Mulaney]

And there'd be no way around. No one could talk me down and go, it's okay that you accidentally.

[Will Arnett]

And you can't blame anyone else because you're writing your own monologue. Right?

[John Mulaney]

Yes. And it's you right into the. Not right into the lens, but basically.

[Sean Hayes]

Basically into the lens. Melanie, the first. So you first got hired at SNL as a writer?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

Correct. Yeah, but, Bill, sorry to interrupt.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah, just interrupt.

[Sean Hayes]

Sean, don't interrupt. So then.

[John Mulaney]

No, no, let me. Let me say something. Let me say something.

[Will Arnett]

Good, good.

[John Mulaney]

You're right. I was hired as a writer.

[Sean Hayes]

There you go. Okay, fuck it, Sean. And then.

[Jason Bateman]

So wait, listen, John, to Will's point, when I wanted to interrupt.

[Will Arnett]

Wait, this has got to be a great question. Hold on. Everybody get it? Sean?

[Jason Bateman]

No, I was gonna say you were before snl. You were discovered from the. Conan. From Late Night With Conan. Is that true? And how did that go down? Like, somebody who saw you on that. And what was that like?

[John Mulaney]

The talent department at SNL saw me on Conan.

[Will Arnett]

Hang on. What's a talent department at snl? What does that mean?

[John Mulaney]

It's the most. It's just a room of the most talented people in the world. We call them the Talent. Let me see. But, you know, also, they saw me on Conan O'Brien, but I was doing ASCAT monologues that same summer, and I. With. When Amy and Seth were doing ASCAT a lot.

[Jason Bateman]

So Amy Poehler, Seth Meyers were doing ascat, which is an improv thing at Upright Citizens Brigade, so.

[John Mulaney]

Which is at 20. Which at. At that time was at 26th and 8th under Gristides. Yeah. And they might have. You know, I haven't. I think they kind of floated my name there as well. That seems familiar. Yeah, because I knew some folks that.

[Jason Bateman]

Were working there and the desire was to be a writer or a performer or both.

[John Mulaney]

No, I auditioned as a performer. But it's so. I don't know. There's so much. It's so fluid between the two.

[Sean Hayes]

So you're doing. So you're doing monologues at ascat. How did you know Amy and Seth to do that? Like, you weren't on an improv team at UCB or anything?

[John Mulaney]

No, I'd been an intern at ucb, and I was taking classes there. When I first moved to New York in 2004, I was taking classes there. And I was an intern there, which meant I was taping garbage bags to the ceiling so that McDonald's water could leak down into the theater without splashing on the good folks.

[Sean Hayes]

Did you start. Did you start at 26 and 8 at that time?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, I started at 26 and 8. I'd been to the old. The first theater a couple times in college and this was the second less fire hazard of the theaters. And I. Yeah, so I was an inter. I was a janitor there. A janitor on Saturday nights for. Let's see, Respecto. Were they that night?

[Sean Hayes]

Respecto Montalban.

[John Mulaney]

Respecto Montalban class is that. For a while the NYU Hammer Cats had a slot there.

[Sean Hayes]

These are all improv teams.

[Jason Bateman]

Okay, got it.

[John Mulaney]

And I would watch them as I taped the garbage bags to the ceiling because water was actively.

[Sean Hayes]

Wait, Melaney, remind our audience who was in respecto.

[John Mulaney]

Let's see, Rob Hubel, Owen Burke and. And the rest. And all of them were in it.

[Will Arnett]

Will. Willie, didn't you. Will? I. I did a monologue, didn't I, at. At ascat?

[Sean Hayes]

You sure did. A couple times.

[Will Arnett]

I. Remind me how that.

[Sean Hayes]

I just remember the sniffles that night. I remember.

[Will Arnett]

Did I really?

[Sean Hayes]

You had the Saturday night sniffles, I think. Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

Was I still.

[Sean Hayes]

I don't know.

[Will Arnett]

But I remember it being very nerve wracking.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, you did it a couple times at 26 and 8.

[Will Arnett]

Now, how did that go? Remind me. I guess I was in a blackout.

[Sean Hayes]

It's a herald. We'll have Mulaney remind you how it goes.

[Will Arnett]

John.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

So you stand there and then you do. You get. Don't you get sent like one word from the audience and then you gotta do a whole. Literally just do a improvise a whole monologue about that one word.

[Sean Hayes]

Licorice.

[John Mulaney]

You're sent it in that they say it. You ask. Yes, but you get. People yell out multiple words. And I would say you pick the one closest to. And then you just might have anything to say about.

[Will Arnett]

And then you just freestyle a story. But it has to last like five or 10 minutes, right?

[Sean Hayes]

I think it's five minutes. And it's supposed to be true?

[John Mulaney]

Yes.

[Will Arnett]

Oh, really?

[Sean Hayes]

It's supposed to be a true story? Yeah. Why do you make your shit up?

[Will Arnett]

I don't. I don't remember. I honestly don't. How long ago was that? Wasn't it like 20 years ago?

[Sean Hayes]

That was like 2003.

[John Mulaney]

I mean, would it be fair to say, Will, that, like, it could be a full story? With an arc, but almost. If you just gave details of.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah.

[John Mulaney]

Anything. Even. Even you just walked us through a procedure.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, yeah, I would never. You would. Once you do it more and more. Because really what you're there to do is you're in service of the improvisers who are standing on the stage behind you, and you're trying to give them as many ideas to inspire them to create sketches, improvised sketches based on that.

[Jason Bateman]

So do you want to know my story?

[Sean Hayes]

So. So, Sean, what is you today? Fucking. I know you're the star of Goodnight Oscar, but here there are other people. Okay, so maybe in Chicago with your. Armed with your fucking stellar reviews, you can just bust your way through, but here there are other people. Anyway, John, so sorry. But that was the thing, right, John, you're just trying to give them ideas.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. You're just trying to give, like, texture and details. I mean, they're not gonna. They're not gonna perform your story front to back.

[Will Arnett]

Right. And your story doesn't. What's. It's a. Yeah. Front to back. That is the way to do it. Right.

[Sean Hayes]

Sean, do you have something you want to.

[Will Arnett]

Sean.

[Jason Bateman]

My story's pretty good for my ass, Cat. It's really short. So Armani. The Armani. Giorgio Armani invited me. This is so long ago. Invited me to Italy.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay, The Armani and Armani. Yeah, Somebody in the extended family.

[Will Arnett]

The puppy.

[Jason Bateman]

Do you see how funny this is? So we go to. He invited me to go to some fashion show in Milan. So I go there.

[Sean Hayes]

Who?

[Will Arnett]

Who did?

[John Mulaney]

Giorgio Armani at The real Giorgio Armani at the first.

[Sean Hayes]

The original.

[John Mulaney]

At the original.

[Will Arnett]

Not to be confused with George Armani, who lives in the North Valley.

[Jason Bateman]

Here.

[Will Arnett]

Go ahead.

[Jason Bateman]

So I go there, I go there, I watch the thing, and then he invites. There's this party at his house afterwards. And so I get one of the guys that works there.

[Sean Hayes]

Wait, how is this related to Ascat?

[Jason Bateman]

This is the story I told.

[John Mulaney]

No, it was a gathering. Ascat's a gathering of people. And it sounds like this.

[Jason Bateman]

Sure.

[Sean Hayes]

Wait, so you told the story of going to Armani's house?

[Jason Bateman]

Yes, and then I went to the house and I grabbed the guy who worked at the party and I said, I want to see the rest of his house. He's like, he really doesn't allow that. I'm like, please, please, please. So I go up to his. He gets in this elevator. I go up to his. The bedroom floor. Right. And I go into his closet because I wanted to see what clothes he wore. And in his closet is all in a line like 50 navy shirts and 50 pairs of jeans below it. All the exact same lined up.

[Sean Hayes]

Exact.

[Will Arnett]

And it's all Tommy Hilfiger.

[Jason Bateman]

And it's all Tommy Hilfiger.

[John Mulaney]

Were you, were you caught?

[Jason Bateman]

It's all from the Gap. I wasn't. I got. I hightailed it out there because I thought I was gonna get shot or something.

[Sean Hayes]

Did you take, did you steal anything?

[Jason Bateman]

No, no, no. I didn't steal anything.

[Will Arnett]

Great story.

[Sean Hayes]

And now a word from our sponsor.

[Jason Bateman]

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[Will Arnett]

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[Jason Bateman]

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[Will Arnett]

All right, back to the show.

[Jason Bateman]

Anyway, listen, John. So you're from Chicago. I didn't know. You're from Chicago. And you went, how long did you live here? And you grew up here?

[John Mulaney]

0 to 18. Yeah, I grew up in Lincoln Park.

[Jason Bateman]

Wow, I didn't know that.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. You're from Chicago.

[Jason Bateman]

I grew up in the burbs, yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

Sean's in Chicago right now.

[John Mulaney]

I know. I can tell from his hat and the view and the fact that I know he's there.

[Will Arnett]

Is that. Is that so? I've always wondered what that. So listener Sean has on a hat with the four stars and the blue stripe across the top and a blue stripe across the bottom. That's a Chicago flag or an Illinois flag.

[Sean Hayes]

Chicago.

[Will Arnett]

So the city of Chicago has its own flag. Is that the only city? LA doesn't have a city flag, does it?

[John Mulaney]

I'm sure it does.

[Sean Hayes]

Guaranteed it does. Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

Guaranteed, huh?

[John Mulaney]

I'm sure it does.

[Will Arnett]

I'm doing a Google search. Right.

[Sean Hayes]

New York City does. Wait, wait. Melinda, you'll be happy to know that when we were in Chicago doing our OR shows live, that Sean's generous friend came by and brought us Chicago hats.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

20 different Chicago hats. Chicago, like literally 20.

[Jason Bateman]

Steve Horvath.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, Steve Horvath. Very kind of him. And that was. But I was like, how would we need to know? It was very. It was. It was very generous.

[John Mulaney]

Sounds like it was a lot.

[Sean Hayes]

It was a lot.

[John Mulaney]

It was too many hats. Well, no, the Way you're describing it, it's not. I'm not getting just a generosity vibe. It's a lot. I have.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, the amount was surprising.

[Jason Bateman]

Loved it.

[Sean Hayes]

I will say this.

[John Mulaney]

And you probably had, like carry ons for the tour. You know, you had to now carry 20 hats in a laundry bag from the Four Seasons or something.

[Jason Bateman]

Do you have merch at your shows, John?

[John Mulaney]

Yes. Thank you for that.

[Will Arnett]

Short for merchandise. Sorry, John, what is your merchandise?

[John Mulaney]

Wow. I get to plug the merch. I have a T shirt that says, I saw him just after he got out of rehab. That would be the best seller right now.

[Sean Hayes]

No way.

[John Mulaney]

Yes, it says that and it has the tour.

[Sean Hayes]

So, Jon. So, Malena, you grew up in Chicago. When did you start. Did you start doing standup or did you start doing sketch?

[John Mulaney]

What was your trajectory like outside of a high school environment? I started doing. I did stand up at a couple. Not even open mics, just like weird variety nights at places like the Note near Wicker Park.

[Sean Hayes]

But that's ballsy though, though to just start to do standup. Were you scared?

[John Mulaney]

I had weirdly high self esteem when it came to that. Not really about any other part of life, but I was like, yeah, no, I'm a headliner. I'm gonna do this. It's gonna be great. People are gonna be talking about this. And then I did improv in college. I auditioned for the improv group my fourth day of college, and the director was a young man named Nick Kroll.

[Sean Hayes]

No way.

[John Mulaney]

He cast me. Yeah, he was a senior, I was a freshman, and he cast me in the improv group. Very much changed my life.

[Jason Bateman]

That's amazing.

[Sean Hayes]

Wait, where was this? What college was this?

[John Mulaney]

This was Georgetown University in Washington, D.C. right.

[Jason Bateman]

Where you studied theology as well?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, English and theology.

[Jason Bateman]

Why? Oh, I thought you want to be a priest.

[John Mulaney]

No, I mainly studied Jewish theology. There just. There was a very good. There were a couple very good Jewish studies professors at Georgetown, and I just found it much more interesting. Theology, because it's a lot more like, what the hell do we know, you know?

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, what do we know from anything?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, Catholics was a lot more like, this is the. You know, do this and you'll. You'll spend this many days in fire, but then you can get out if someone prays for you. There were too many rules, too much structure.

[Jason Bateman]

Right.

[John Mulaney]

Judaism was a lot of like, who the. Who the hell are you to ask, you know, like, is there a God? Like, who the hell are you?

[Will Arnett]

Sounds like shorter chapters, which is probably smart.

[John Mulaney]

Excuse me. Who the hell are you to ask that? Why is there water?

[Jason Bateman]

Get out of here.

[Will Arnett]

Get out of here now. Were you a Weisenheimer in school when you were a little kid and that's where you thought maybe there might be a way to make a living here?

[John Mulaney]

I remember in third grade, a teacher gave me an article like Xeroxed from Esquire. Like, it wasn't for kids. It was an article, and it was about this guy, Henry Beard, who wrote for the Harvard Lampoon, then National Lampoon. And the name of the article was the Original Smart Ass White Guy. And she slipped it to me, Ms. Kowal, and she said, you'd be into this guy and this type of thing.

[Sean Hayes]

That's cool.

[John Mulaney]

And yeah, it was cool, but I don't recall being, like, a troublemaker.

[Will Arnett]

But you knew that you had skills. You were making kids laugh. That felt good. Yeah. And you wanted more.

[John Mulaney]

And I was kind of a writer performer in that. I would tell more poorly behaved children what might be a funny thing to do.

[Sean Hayes]

Right.

[John Mulaney]

What if someone threw that out the window right now?

[Will Arnett]

And they would take the bait and you would watch?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. That'd be pretty, pretty crazy if someone just threw their potato battery out the window right now. You know?

[Sean Hayes]

Right.

[John Mulaney]

Can you imagine how that'd be crazy? I know you're pretty unstable.

[Sean Hayes]

God, you would have been.

[John Mulaney]

You've got a lot going on at home. Maybe. Maybe you'd be like a king for a day if you did that. You know, I'd really great in a cult.

[Sean Hayes]

You know that. You'd be great if you worked in a culture.

[John Mulaney]

I think I'd be pretty susceptible. I don't have a lot of cult confidence. I don't know how. I don't know if I'd be the leader. I think I'd be a member. And it'd take me a while. It'd take me a while to see the fight.

[Will Arnett]

Are you saying there wasn't a lot of bad behavior when you were a little kid? Because I'm just going through. As soon as you said battery, I had a horrible memory of me and my friends throwing batteries at stuff. And there's more detail to that.

[John Mulaney]

I remember we got caught tagging up a garage. Yeah. We were always. We were really.

[Sean Hayes]

You were in a tag crew?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. And my tag was hat sideways.

[Will Arnett]

Tell me the hat was sideways. Just a little skew.

[John Mulaney]

We wrote. We wrote. We are the.

[Will Arnett]

Sure. And did you spell all weird, like. No, it's like scary weird.

[John Mulaney]

F, U, K. To me, it was just the. The Declaration. We Are we are the fuckers of what? 11 year old?

[Sean Hayes]

Of what?

[John Mulaney]

Of everything, man. Of anything, especially a garage door.

[Sean Hayes]

You guys were hardcore.

[Will Arnett]

So you could have got in trouble if you. If you'd gotten caught. You could have got in trouble for. For. For a few dozen things when you were a kid. Or not.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, and we. I had a real. I didn't have a pyromania phase, but my good friend did and I would supervise. I kind of supervised that a little.

[Will Arnett]

You weren't mean to cats or anything?

[John Mulaney]

Not at all. No, not at all. Love was allergic to cats, so we had kind of agree to disagree relationship, cats and I.

[Will Arnett]

But would you put like food, food coloring in beverages and things like that, John?

[John Mulaney]

No, but we would do a lot of like. What? Could we put a bottle rocket?

[Sean Hayes]

What do you think? He was in a church group.

[Will Arnett]

He's studying theology and being a real hellcat.

[Sean Hayes]

No, but you're like the Foreman of trouble. Like you just got everybody else creating.

[John Mulaney]

Trouble for the George Foreman of trouble.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, you're like the German foreman's grill of trouble.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, I was. I was. I was healthy, lean.

[Sean Hayes]

Wait, so. Wait, so. So, John, so you go to. You go to Georgetown. Georgetown. And you're the guy running the. The improv team group. Whatever.

[Will Arnett]

Well, now, hold on a second. I gotta stop you there. I see John's got a Zevia beverage in his hand. Now that. What is that?

[John Mulaney]

It is a stevia based soda and I can safely recommend every single flavor.

[Will Arnett]

Hang on, John, you're not getting any freebies out of this. You're a guest.

[John Mulaney]

I don't need freebies. My recurring Amazon. I have two recurring Amazon orders that I. One I don't know how to cancel and one I couldn't find.

[Will Arnett]

See, that's why I've never signed up for the automatic.

[Sean Hayes]

What is the one? You don't have to cancel.

[John Mulaney]

It's. It's so much cream soda. But I'm fine with it. But it's stacking up. There's. There's baby formula, diapers and so much cream soda. Zevia. And they're tall boys too, because I just.

[Will Arnett]

Oh, I do like. Yeah, the tall ones are nice.

[John Mulaney]

They can make tall ones. Yeah, yeah.

[Will Arnett]

Now does that. That gets us into to. You seem like a guy who watches what's put in their body. We're gonna double back to Georgetown.

[Sean Hayes]

Sorry, we. Back to the glory holes. Oh, no, no.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah, all the way back. So is there no sugar goes into that body, John?

[John Mulaney]

No sugar goes into this body. Yeah, I am recently Sober. And so I'm allowing myself a lot of sugar. Sugar and indulgences.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah.

[John Mulaney]

I'm trying to cut back, but I haven't yet. And I won't today and I won't tomorrow.

[Will Arnett]

Watch out for the man with no vices. Go ahead and keep one or two. Yeah, sugar's just fine work.

[John Mulaney]

I quit smoking cigarettes in November, too.

[Will Arnett]

Oh, buddy.

[Jason Bateman]

How's that?

[Sean Hayes]

Stop showing off. Stop showing off.

[John Mulaney]

I went to a hit hypnotist. Yeah, he was a UCLA paranormal professor.

[Will Arnett]

Huh.

[John Mulaney]

Who now hypnotizes people in his garage in Santa Monica.

[Jason Bateman]

Sounds safe.

[Will Arnett]

You see spaceships when he's done?

[Sean Hayes]

I mean, honestly, none of this seems problematic to me.

[John Mulaney]

Remember how I said I'm susceptible to cults? Well, I go to this guy's garage.

[Jason Bateman]

He has eight hours in the garage.

[Sean Hayes]

So you're telling me the guy with the crystal ball, he moved his operation into the garage and now he's getting people off butts like.

[John Mulaney]

Well, if he's so fake, how come he has some headshots thanking him for his work? Some, yeah, some head. Some sun faded headshots thanking him for getting them off cigarettes. Entertainers who I recognize vaguely.

[Jason Bateman]

Wait, so did it. So did it work? I mean, are you craving cigarettes?

[John Mulaney]

No, it actually did work work. I mean, I smoked from 13, age 13 to 39, and stopped in November.

[Jason Bateman]

Wow.

[Will Arnett]

After the second, cold turkey, no weaning whatsoever.

[John Mulaney]

First hypnotism session, you get to keep smoking for that week, which is a big reason I did. It was. I love smoking. So second session, walked out. Never had another third session. I actually don't remember. I really did. I really did go somewhere else.

[Will Arnett]

That's great.

[Jason Bateman]

So, John Mulaney, I want to talk to you about. Marty Short is a good friend of mine, good friend of ours, the greatest. And I loved your sitcom called Mulaney with Marty.

[John Mulaney]

Thank you.

[Jason Bateman]

I did. I loved it. I watched every episode.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, thank you very much, Mulaney. I used to watch on the tap over at Radford Studios. I would see you guys rehearsing all the time.

[John Mulaney]

It was so fun. It was one of the most fun experiences making the show.

[Jason Bateman]

He speaks so highly of you. Just so you know.

[John Mulaney]

I love him very much.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah, it's mutual.

[Will Arnett]

I want to see that. Damn it. I apologize.

[John Mulaney]

2014 Fox until from August to November of 2014.

[Will Arnett]

So it was a tight 13.

[John Mulaney]

I think they did air all 13. Our final episode aired against the SNL 40th, which I was working on, and we ended up losing to that. The Ratings that night.

[Will Arnett]

That's like the Will. Didn't. Didn't they air the very final episodes of Arrested Development against the Winter Olympics.

[Sean Hayes]

Opening of the Olympics? They burned all four in a row. They were just. And they didn't tell anybody.

[John Mulaney]

They're like, get these offer Salt Lake City.

[Jason Bateman]

But John, was that. Was that sitcom.

[Will Arnett]

Sorry, sorry, Sean.

[Jason Bateman]

No, that's okay. Was that something you always wanted to do with your passionate about it or.

[John Mulaney]

I was, I was. I was passionate about. I was and am passionate about multicam. I really like you and me both.

[Sean Hayes]

So do we.

[John Mulaney]

Yep. And I. I mean, I grew up on them, but also I just find it. And maybe it's also the Saturday Night Live in me and the standup in me. I just like three to four cameras and yelling jokes to the back of the room.

[Jason Bateman]

And an audience. A live audience.

[John Mulaney]

And a live audience. Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

And the six hour day.

[John Mulaney]

Oh, my God. I mean, as the EP and writer and everything, I didn't have that. But watching Elliott Gould and Marty Short and Nasim Pedrad leave at 3, I just thought, ooh, that's the life of King.

[Jason Bateman]

Would you do another one?

[John Mulaney]

I would, yeah.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah, you should. You'd be great.

[Will Arnett]

We need to crack that. I'm calling you after this, after this session. Who directed most of those episodes? Do you remember?

[John Mulaney]

I just. When they're good, they're. When they're good, they're so great. Andy Ackerman, wonderful.

[Jason Bateman]

Oh, yes, Seinfeld.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, yeah, of course, Seinfeld.

[John Mulaney]

Many other great things.

[Jason Bateman]

And then let me ask you this because I've always wanted to know. I've always wondered about like a standups like yourself who do all these specials and you tour and you're constantly writing. By the time we see your special on Netflix or wherever it is, how many times have you tried out that material? And how many rewrites do you go through before we see it? Or are we seeing stuff that you trusted or know will work from the moment you wrote it?

[John Mulaney]

Oh, those seem like two questions.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah, it's a problem with Sean.

[John Mulaney]

Okay. The first part is. It depends on how much I toured before the special. Yeah, so I did. So I did that sitcom. It was. Production was shut down in October. I went on the road the next week. And then I taped a special that may called the Comeback Kit for Netflix. That was a pretty short tour. The last special I did, there was about a year of touring before it. This one will be like. This one will be close to a year, maybe over. I'm on the Road steadily right now.

[Will Arnett]

So how do you like that road stuff, that touring stuff that's staying in a hotel every night?

[John Mulaney]

I love it.

[Will Arnett]

Really?

[John Mulaney]

I like hotel living. I really like tour bus living.

[Will Arnett]

Do you take your own slippers with you when you go to all those hotels?

[John Mulaney]

I bring my own pillow, but I take their pillowcase. Does that mean that's.

[Jason Bateman]

Jason doesn't like. Doesn't. Jason won't walk on the floors of.

[Will Arnett]

He will not walk on the floors of a hotel without. Without a barrier. And then do you put the remote.

[John Mulaney]

In a Ziploc bag before you?

[Will Arnett]

I put it in a pot of boiling water. And then. And then if it still works, we're. We're. We're on it. But if it doesn't work, then there's no tv. So you take the pillow.

[Sean Hayes]

Basically lives like Howard Hughes. He has, like, at all times. Don't. Don't show him your fingernails. And he wears. He's got, like, 12 layers of Kleenex between himself and anything that he touches.

[Will Arnett]

You're using the. You're bringing your own pillow, but you're using their pillowcase because you want to make.

[John Mulaney]

Well, no. What happened? It's worse than that. I took one pillowcase from the first hotel on this tour. Where did it start? We started in Portland, Maine, maybe. I took a pillowcase. And it's still on because you like.

[Will Arnett]

The thread count on that one. You're like, oh, we're going to keep this.

[John Mulaney]

I liked that. It was long. And my special phone pillow is longer than a regular pillow, too, so it was cool. It was a nice fit.

[Jason Bateman]

You sleep with the pillow between your knees?

[John Mulaney]

I got one of those at an as seen on TV store at Foxwoods recently.

[Will Arnett]

Oh, is it like a body pillow?

[John Mulaney]

No, it's like a little. Little. It looks like a yoga block, except it has a skate ramp in it. And you put it right between those knees, and it's at the. If you guys are at anyone near the as Seen on TV store at the mall in Foxwoods, the casino. They have them there. And again, that's at the Foxwoods Casino. They're at outlet malls. Not too massively for Sean.

[Sean Hayes]

Not too. Sean's a slow writer, so not too fast.

[Will Arnett]

Is there really a store called as seen on tv?

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah.

[John Mulaney]

Oh, yeah. You've never been in.

[Sean Hayes]

You've never seen that?

[Will Arnett]

Come on.

[John Mulaney]

Oh, it's the greatest, truly. It looks like a storage unit.

[Will Arnett]

Can I ask you what they sell in there?

[John Mulaney]

I mean, the one thing I was really intrigued by this time was something Called Battery Daddy, which was. It looked like a. It looked like a CD tower. Looked like a compact disc tower for batteries. It was a big. It was almost like a pyramid where all your sizes of batteries had different levels they could clip into.

[Jason Bateman]

Could you use that?

[John Mulaney]

Definitely. Can't find the aas when I need them.

[Sean Hayes]

That's sad.

[Will Arnett]

Now, do you guys keep your batteries in the freezer, by the way, or am I just married to a Christian?

[John Mulaney]

No, I don't think there's any science behind me.

[Sean Hayes]

What are you, a photographer? What's going on? I used to. I got one of those wedge pillows where you can slip your arm. Because my arm was bothering me for a while, and I bought it for. From, I think, like, the back store. One of these things, relax the back. And I. You actually put your hand. It looked like a mouse trap. And then I'd sleep on this thing. Anyway, it didn't end up.

[Will Arnett]

Oh, what a catch. Do you have a CPAP when you go to sleep, too, Sean?

[Sean Hayes]

Do you? I don't. Sean, do you?

[John Mulaney]

My girlfriend Olivia has still. We still have the pregnancy pillow. That. That horseshoe thing. And I slept in it the other day, and it is fantastic. It's comfortable. Did you wake up in the bumper bowling lane? I woke up. I woke up with something.

[Sean Hayes]

Sean. Sean. Sean sleeps, like, in that position. They tell you again when a plane's crashing, like, with his. He's grabbing his knees just in case.

[Jason Bateman]

I never feel rested. I never feel rested.

[John Mulaney]

I saw an interview with Donny Osmond once where he was extolling the virtues of sleeping on the tray on a commercial flight. Sleep on the.

[Jason Bateman]

No, that always makes me want to vomit.

[Sean Hayes]

And did he say. And make sure to drink 12 rums before you.

[Will Arnett]

I love. You've got Donnie as a rum drinker.

[John Mulaney]

Bacardi.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

Top show. Top show. Wait, I want to get back to. I want to get back to this long professional and personal relationship you have with the guy who let you into the improv group, which is Nick Kroll, the wonderful Nick Kroll, the wonderful Nick Crow.

[John Mulaney]

My best friend, older brother and everything. Mentor.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay, well, we got it now. We got it in writing and on recording. We got it.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, I know I sound good. It sounds gracious. I sound gracious because he let me into the group and now just air it on.

[Sean Hayes]

You've been paying him back ever since. But. But you. You guys know it did. You guys are like brothers. And. And you guys have worked together so much now over the last however many years since you've known each other and 20. Is that like a thing that you guys consciously say? Or do you come back together every couple years? Or you like. Or you go, you do your own thing, you're like, hey, let's go and do this. Or we, I don't know. How does it work?

[John Mulaney]

Well, let's see, for a while we, that's a good question. We don't consciously plan, you know, let's work together in 18 months. We love working with each other. So he'd be my first thought for anyone to collaborate with. And then we have things that we've done consistently, like the theater show, oh, hello. Where we played these two guys, Gil and George. We did that in a variety of media and then did it as a play on Broadway. So like that's a thing where we will talk about revisiting those characters specifically. And then obviously I work with him on Big Mouth on Netflix, but I, but he's along with Andrew Goldberg and Mark and Jen Flackett. He's a creator ep. So I'm not doing that with him. But, but I'm lucky enough to be on it.

[Sean Hayes]

You're on it. Big Mouth for Tracy is a really funny, very popular animated show on Netflix. It's been on for five long, five years.

[John Mulaney]

Tracy might even know that.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah, she might not know that. She's already moved on to human resources.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, she might not.

[Will Arnett]

And we will be right back.

[Jason Bateman]

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[Will Arnett]

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[Jason Bateman]

Our show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey guys. Everybody should have a support system, right? Who's your support system? My support system, as you well know, talk about all the time, is Scotty and of course my two besties, Will and Jason. Whenever I have a problem, an issue, I talk to them about it. And if they're not available, I will talk to a therapist. And I've been going to therapy for a long time and it's always great. So think about your favorite leaders, mentors and idols. They don't have all the answers, but they do know when to ask questions or seek support from their community. In a society that glorifies hyper independence, it's easy to forget that we're all better when we have a support system behind us. Therapy can be a source of support for any area of your life. It's time to shift that focus from doing it all to knowing that we're better when we ask for help. BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient. Serving over 5 million people worldwide. Access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties. Easily switch therapists anytime at no extra cost. Build your support system with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com smartless to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelph e l-p.com smartless and now back to the show.

[Will Arnett]

Hey John, with all the things that you do and do well, how do you decide what to do? Is it informed by some sort of five year plan that you've got?

[John Mulaney]

No, never had a five. Never had a five year plan.

[Will Arnett]

What about next week? Next month?

[John Mulaney]

I'm a little. I remember a professor in college said someone was like, someone said just taking it one day at a time. And he said that's great. Of course Mullany lives minute to minute and like everyone laughed and I was really like, it was odd of him to call that out in the middle of a Jewish studies class.

[Will Arnett]

But you have no sort of North Star. Whether you get there or not, at least it's giving you direction and forming.

[John Mulaney]

I'd love a knockout obituary and great speeches at the memorial service. But like then I can't think, you know what's.

[Will Arnett]

You just want it to be glowing.

[Sean Hayes]

What do you want your tombstone to say? I've thought about this recently. If it could say anything.

[John Mulaney]

You know, I was walking around a cemetery in Connecticut where all the.

[Will Arnett]

Where you do.

[John Mulaney]

Where you do and the graves are from, like, the 1700s. And back then, people would. I walked by a grave that said, handsome and brave.

[Sean Hayes]

I'm so.

[John Mulaney]

It was like a hero of the revolution and handsome and brave. I was like, I think I'm gonna take that.

[Sean Hayes]

Yes. So this is what I thought. I was thinking the other. I was in. Walking around a cemetery a couple years ago, one night, and not a big. Just because it was a better. You know, I get a better view inside the window of the. It doesn't matter. Longer story anyway.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

Obviously, for a lawyer, I can't say why, of course, but reading all the. All the gravestones, I was thinking, like, I would want to put something like, he was a cool guy. That's it. Because then if I saw that, I'd be like, who the fuck is that motherfucker? He was a cool guy.

[Jason Bateman]

You know what I just. I just read? I. That you can now get your body turned into compost and you can, you know, use it to plant a tree or something. It takes six months to turn it into compost.

[John Mulaney]

They just keep mixing the guts with dirt over and over.

[Will Arnett]

You know, that's what happens when you just fucking bury a body.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

What do you think the body does in the ground?

[Jason Bateman]

It's like it's a pickup truck worth of compost.

[John Mulaney]

So that just sounds like compost with a dead body in it. Doesn't sound like your body is doing anything, since it does.

[Sean Hayes]

That's a good point.

[John Mulaney]

Your gaseous, unimpaired, embalmed body exploded.

[Will Arnett]

I would love to see your search history, though, Sean.

[Jason Bateman]

No, I did. I looked at all.

[Sean Hayes]

So would the FBI. Why did you buy all that lime? What's going on?

[John Mulaney]

I'd like. You know, I would like it said at my funeral or on my gravestone that I. Some of my flaws. Like, he was late a lot, and people talked to him about it, and he was still late.

[Will Arnett]

Are you still. Are you still late?

[John Mulaney]

I'm getting better at it. I'm getting better at it.

[Will Arnett]

Do you know why you're late?

[John Mulaney]

I think. Well, one Saturday Night Live completely destroyed my relationship with time in that meetings that were supposed to begin at 3pm would begin at 5pm or 6pm with no explanation or apology. So after a couple years there, I would meet people 45 minutes late and not think I needed to say anything regarding where I'd been.

[Jason Bateman]

Wow.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. And then I think I'm Better. I must think I'm better than everyone else. I mean, everyone else, I guess.

[Will Arnett]

What about having a kid now? Kid really puts you on a schedule, right?

[John Mulaney]

No, a kid put me on a schedule. And I have made a big resolution to be on time, be where I said I'll be when I said I'll be there. And I've actually been good about that.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

Like Sean. Sean said I'm gonna be outside a fire station all day today. And obviously he is. Is.

[Jason Bateman]

It's. I live in. Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

In the middle. What is your. What? What do you think you're best at being a dad? What do you think you're worst at being a dad? Oh, I know we're early days and we're just trying stuff out.

[John Mulaney]

Best at.

[Will Arnett]

Swaddle technique.

[John Mulaney]

I am a good swaddler. Yeah, I am a good swaddler. I learned to swaddle somewhat from Ozarks, where you give a brief swaddle tutorial. If you recall, call. And we were waiting on.

[Will Arnett]

Supposed to watch that.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, my God.

[Will Arnett]

What was your favorite episode?

[John Mulaney]

I love the one where you're. I love the one where you're laundering all the money. And, you know, everyone's like, oh, my God.

[Jason Bateman]

You know, people check out that department store, those glory holes, and they swaddle sometimes.

[Will Arnett]

They sure do.

[Jason Bateman]

Is that right?

[John Mulaney]

Good at swaddling. I'm good at. I know when tummy time is over. Before little Malcolm gives me that look like, jesus, man, you gonna get me out of here? I know it's time. I know that Big head is starting to get a little tired of bobbing up and down. I probably am worse at overthinking how to approach him as an adolescent, which I really don't need to worry about for the next few years. But I'm constantly running scenarios of what kind of parent I'll be when he's 11, 12.

[Will Arnett]

The combo between being a dad versus being a best friend.

[John Mulaney]

Oh, just like. Yeah. And will I be. In my mind, I was like, I'm gonna be this, like, semi stern. I'm gonna be this, like. I'm gonna kind of be like my dad with him, and that's all falling apart in four months. I can't imagine ever criticizing anything this kid does or.

[Will Arnett]

But who do you. I mean, you.

[Sean Hayes]

You know, don't worry. It'll come.

[John Mulaney]

No, I know.

[Will Arnett]

You know, Olivia. Olivia knows you. Have you guys. Has it become clear who's gonna be the disciplinarian? Who's gonna be the nurturer?

[John Mulaney]

Oh, that's a good question. She's such a wonderful mother and so nurturing, and also. Here it comes.

[Will Arnett]

Here it comes.

[John Mulaney]

Well, I mean, right now she's. Right now she's extremely nurturing. But I. But she. She can be extremely organized. She has packing cubes.

[Sean Hayes]

That was a good choice of words.

[Will Arnett]

Great choice.

[John Mulaney]

Thanks, guys.

[Will Arnett]

Now she can listen. So she's. So. She's very good about organizing. Does that allow you to be.

[John Mulaney]

She's very organized, very disciplined in a way that I'm not. However, I don't. When it comes to Malcolm. The ideal I have for myself is that I come home in a suit, which is gonna be hard working at home, and that there's some expectation of your dad is home, and therefore that's intimidating. But I absolutely will never follow through on that.

[Jason Bateman]

My oldest brother, Dennis, when he had. He has three kids, he would let them, with crayons, draw all over the walls in every room. And of course, he. That would upset his wife. And they would just. They would discuss it and he was like, let them be kids. Let them have, like, and do anything they want. You can paint over the grant. Like, would you ever do anything like that?

[Sean Hayes]

Well, here's the. And it should be noted also, he came from, like, Sean. You know, Sean's dad never got mad at them drying on the walls or anything. He didn't get mad at them doing anything.

[Jason Bateman]

He would just. What.

[Sean Hayes]

Now, the reason is he wasn't there. But. But.

[Will Arnett]

Well, if they hide the car keys, he'd hate that. That's the thing that would piss him off. Absolutely no chance of escaping, really.

[John Mulaney]

Who took my. To me. Carry on. He was always his dad.

[Will Arnett]

His dad left who took my weekend.

[Sean Hayes]

His dad left like. Like Kal El leaving Krypton, like, just on his own, like in an escape pod. You know what I mean? I don't know if that's. Is that right?

[Jason Bateman]

I got that.

[John Mulaney]

Well, Will. Will and Jason, here's what I wonder if I. I remember a good friend of mine, when we were six to his dad, he was so mad at his dad, and he said, sayonara, sucker, motherfucker. And his dad, his dad acted mad. And I. As I've gotten older, I'm like, can. I don't know how. I won't laugh if my kid ever, like, tells me off. It just will be if Malcolm ever yells at me. It seems like such a funny moment that I won't be able to not laugh.

[Sean Hayes]

Well, we have put it this way. I have videos of both my kids having breakdowns or Tantrums at various ages. Cause they're so fucking hilarious. Which I show them now. And even in the moment, you recognize how funny. Like Abel. We have one Abel sing when he was little, and he was like something, something. Because you're the worst. And you can see him go. In the moment, go. I mean, not the worst. I mean, you're kind of great, and I love you. So he walks it back in the middle of his thing. And then the other day, when Abel said to me, the other day, I went to wake him up for school, I think I told you guys this. And I go up and his. He's 11. His eyes aren't even open yet. And I go up and I go, hey, buddy, we got to get out. We got to get to school. Eyes not even open. And he goes, play is going to play.

[Jason Bateman]

I'm like, what is going to play?

[Sean Hayes]

They constantly surprise you. That's the thing. And you have no idea how you're going to react, and you just kind of go with it. And I don't know.

[Jason Bateman]

Speaking of not knowing how to react. Hecklers, what's a good heckler story? Because you're on tour right now, right?

[Sean Hayes]

Good for you, Sean.

[Jason Bateman]

Thanks. From scratch, right?

[John Mulaney]

I emailed my bullet points.

[Jason Bateman]

No, but I love those stories. I love heckler stories.

[John Mulaney]

The best I got. I was doing Bonnaroo one year, and I was doing. There was a big comedy tent at the Bonnaroo Music Festival in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. And someone said, we've signed you up to do a show at the VIP camping ground, like the organizers of the festival. And I said, what's that about? And they said, just get on the back of this golf cart. And they drove so fast in a golf. In the back of a golf cart, which is like falling out of a chair forever. And I get to this. Like, I get to a plywood stage, and there's all these RVs, and there's like a microbrew truck giving out beer to these VIP glampers.

[Will Arnett]

Oh, you can handle.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. And they had no idea someone had been brought in to do standup. And they didn't ask for it. They didn't want it. They didn't like it. I was not someone. They knew who that was. I was not someone people were excited to see. And I started doing stand up. And this guy yelled, I think I speak for everyone when I say we'd enjoy silence more than the sound of your voice.

[Jason Bateman]

Oh, my God.

[John Mulaney]

And it was so articulate.

[Will Arnett]

It was very polite.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

How do you. How do you heckle back at that?

[John Mulaney]

I went, I went. I. Hey, you.

[Jason Bateman]

Sucker.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. Sayonara, sucker. Jump on the back of the golf carts, feet away. That'd actually be a good. I might close a special with that. After a really gracious thank you to the audience, I turn around and then say, sayonara, suckers.

[Sean Hayes]

It'd be so great if that became your calling card. Farewell to your audience.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. This aggressive, shitty little.

[Will Arnett]

I would, I, I, I have this. I have this masochistic fantasy of doing one set of stand up, but I would have no idea how to, how to write a session of. Have you ever.

[Sean Hayes]

We know.

[Will Arnett]

You know? Yeah.

[John Mulaney]

I mean, the very fact that you call it a session is session, you.

[Will Arnett]

Know, but you know how like some, some.

[John Mulaney]

I'm here to perform a session.

[Will Arnett]

Listen up. I'm here to perform. Well, you know, like how some music acts. They don't write their own music, but they perform them well. Have you ever heard of a stand up having a whole set written for he or she and then they do it?

[John Mulaney]

There are, there are. And it's kind of more of an older school thing. Like, there were. There were performers who had a lot of writers, and there were, you know, I really don't hear about it much anymore. There are people who do stand up who also do so many other types of sessions that acting sessions and directing sessions that they eventually have writers. But most people.

[Jason Bateman]

Why don't you go to an open session night?

[Will Arnett]

Are there?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, go to open session. I'd actually like to end stand up the way my therapist ends sessions, which, which is. Okay, we have to pause now.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah, there you go.

[John Mulaney]

And then just walk off stage.

[Sean Hayes]

Jason, have you seen any good comedy routines lately? You know, would you like to go see some routines?

[Will Arnett]

Oh, you see some wonderful routines out there at the. The Improv, which is short for the improvisation there on Melrose Avenue.

[Jason Bateman]

I like when people call, like adults call, like my brother, go, I'm doing a play here in Chicago. And he goes, you got play practice today? Yeah. You mean rehearsal?

[Will Arnett]

Is this Dennis with the three kids?

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah. Yeah. Hey, I don't want to bug you. I know you're in the middle of play practice, but play practice.

[John Mulaney]

I know you're drilling the play.

[Will Arnett]

I do like saying practice instead of rehearsal when we're on set. That is fun. I do like yelling at a hockey game. Shoot the ball. I do like that.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, man. Put that in your standup.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah. Oh, God. Great idea.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah. Great start.

[Jason Bateman]

John Mulaney. We've taken up way too Much of your time. Detour is from scratch.

[Sean Hayes]

I know that. Why is that it? We could talk too much, Lady. Forever.

[Jason Bateman]

I know. I don't want to do that. He's probably got shit to do.

[Will Arnett]

Encore. How about an encore we could do?

[John Mulaney]

We could just do another one where we follow up on everything we didn't finish, which was everything. Every thread we start. Just every little thread.

[Sean Hayes]

We like to keep a million tabs open. You know, it's just. I know. It's this.

[John Mulaney]

This browser has a lot of tabs open.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, we're the worst. We're the worst interviewer.

[John Mulaney]

This was. You're the greatest. And I wouldn't want it any other way. You know, I mean, I, I. I think it was Vivek Murthy who said to you guys, I've had a great time. I've had a really good time on the show.

[Will Arnett]

You see the way he brought it all the way back around, you guys? This is what a pro does.

[John Mulaney]

That's how you end a session.

[Will Arnett]

Double callbacks.

[Jason Bateman]

Johnny, we love you. Thank you for your time.

[John Mulaney]

Love you guys.

[Jason Bateman]

This is really fun.

[Sean Hayes]

You're the best.

[John Mulaney]

Thank you for having me.

[Will Arnett]

This is John.

[Sean Hayes]

Thanks, buddy.

[Will Arnett]

Bye, buddy.

[Jason Bateman]

Bye, Johnny.

[Will Arnett]

Thanks, John. Bye. John Mulaney. He's a smooth operator.

[Jason Bateman]

Every time I see him on snl, even in the sketches, I laugh out loud.

[Will Arnett]

Seems like a good guy. I've never met him before.

[Sean Hayes]

He is. He's the shade. He's the Sade of comedy. He's a smooth operator.

[Jason Bateman]

That's great. Wow.

[Sean Hayes]

Thank you, man.

[Jason Bateman]

And doesn't stop. Like, he just keeps writing and writing and writing and doing stuff. I just don't. I'm so envious. Like, I don't. First of all, I can't write. I don't know how to write well. And then just to keep writing all that stuff that works all the time, and all those Netflix specials. It's crazy.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, it's a lot of stuff. And touring during touring and touring with stuff for a year or a year and a half, and then doing a special. And then immediately, like, you got a sense of his work ethic. His show ends production, you know, this was years ago. And the next week he's out on tour and like, yeah, for a year. And then has a special like, eight months later.

[Jason Bateman]

Like, and enjoys the hotels and the buses. Like, I know it's not for me.

[Will Arnett]

I wonder how that's gonna go now with the kid, you know? Like, is he gonna be able to be happy about being on the road all the Time.

[Sean Hayes]

Well, we know how that goes. It changes. It changes everything. And. And you get like, yeah, you know, it's.

[Will Arnett]

You better start working on that sitcom.

[Sean Hayes]

It's hard. It's hard. As.

[Will Arnett]

You know, the sitcom works for being a dad, though, right?

[Sean Hayes]

It sure does. Every. Yeah. Why doesn't everybody just do a sitcom, right?

[Will Arnett]

Just do that for the first 10 years.

[Sean Hayes]

Because I heard somebody, they're like, oh, like, I'm working this hard. Jobs. Friend of mine in New York, like, works in this office, and, like, my job is so hard, I'm like, why don't you just get sitcom? And then you're at home all the time.

[Will Arnett]

Because you can just order those on Amazon, right?

[Sean Hayes]

Just sign up for so stupid. Stop being such a stupid idiot and get a sitcom. But Mu. Malaney is so, so hilarious. He's been so successful, and he just, you know, he's one of those, like, he didn't sort of explode out of nowhere. Like, he just kind of. He kind of built. He built.

[Will Arnett]

He built like Conan. Like, remember when Conan came on the scene and we were like, who the hell is this guy's got. He's. He's got the talk show now. It's like, no. Well, if you look at his resume, like, this guy has been a beast for a long time.

[Jason Bateman]

But the SNL, the ones that Mulaney hosts, the SNLs that Laney hosts are always rated huge.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, of course. Which is why they keep bringing him back, because he's hilarious and he always delivers. And so guess what? Turns out that that works in showbiz. Sean.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah. Try being good. Sean.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, I just realized.

[Will Arnett]

Are we still recording?

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, yeah, we're still. I just.

[Jason Bateman]

I sell my.

[Sean Hayes]

Sean.

[Jason Bateman]

I can hear you, Sean.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, we didn't ask him his favorite color.

[Will Arnett]

Text him.

[Sean Hayes]

Who got an email address for me. Hang on.

[Will Arnett]

No. Well, he did ask. Funny heckling story.

[Jason Bateman]

Yes. Because I love.

[Will Arnett]

Just ask for just a general that's up there with, what's your craziest audition story?

[Sean Hayes]

But you know what I did. I know. I realized.

[Jason Bateman]

Don't you love those stories?

[Sean Hayes]

This is. This is what I love about Sean. This is the reason I like it. This is the reason. This is why. And I'm like, it's because Sean likes those things when stuff goes really wrong in normal situations. He loves people.

[Will Arnett]

I used to love bloopers and practical jokes.

[Jason Bateman]

Right.

[Will Arnett]

And then those crazy home videos. Right, Sean? Don't you miss it?

[Jason Bateman]

You want to know what happened last Saturday late show at the play?

[Sean Hayes]

Okay. Yeah, of course.

[Jason Bateman]

I Shit you not. It was this long. I'm doing my. I have, like, seven monologues in the play in the middle of when I play, and there's two or three other actors on stage, and I love that.

[Sean Hayes]

You don't even know how many blanked out.

[Jason Bateman]

Completely blanked out.

[Sean Hayes]

You did?

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah. In the middle of my thing, I go, yeah. So I'm telling this story, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And sold out, by the way. And I look at Ethan, and I'm looking at him, I'm like, fucking, please help me. I'm. No. My mind went completely. I'm like, no idea where I am. And then he says a line that skips about a page. And in my head, I was like, thank you, but I don't think I can skip that because there's information the audience needs in order to know the story later, right? So I was like, no, it was that fucking awful.

[Will Arnett]

What about somebody in the wings? Anybody on book in the wings?

[Jason Bateman]

No, no, I said. And I said to the stage manager, she goes, I almost came on the God mic and gave you your line. I go, just do it. Who gives a shit? I'm dying up there.

[Will Arnett]

What? But. But, but. But what about just kind of sauntering over to the wings in character to get.

[Jason Bateman]

They're in the back of the house.

[Sean Hayes]

So what did you.

[Will Arnett]

So what happened?

[Jason Bateman]

I. I don't know. I.

[Sean Hayes]

Did the audience know, do you think?

[Jason Bateman]

Yes, for sure.

[Sean Hayes]

Really?

[Jason Bateman]

A couple friends are like, hey, did you.

[Will Arnett]

And I was like, oh, yeah. Did they ask for any portion of their. Of their money back? Like, could you ask for, like, five bucks Back? Back.

[Sean Hayes]

Here's the scariest part. Sean, here's the scariest thing. And, Sean, we love you.

[Jason Bateman]

I love you, too.

[Sean Hayes]

You told us this story verbatim yesterday.

[Will Arnett]

Why don't you lay down and get your ankles above your heart? Sean, this is so.

[Sean Hayes]

We love you. We love you so much. We love you so much.

[Jason Bateman]

That's hysterical.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay, listen, all by the way, Jason and Sean, just to bring it back full circle. Yeah, I'm gonna let you guys know, but I think that I have to go over to this store to check out the. The.

[Will Arnett]

The holes.

[Sean Hayes]

The dressing rooms or the bathroom. Because if for no other reason, then I'm really buying.

[Jason Bateman]

Curious.

[John Mulaney]

There it is.

[Will Arnett]

There we got it.

[Sean Hayes]

Smart, smart, smart. Smartless is 100% organic and artisanally handcrafted by Michael Grant Terry Rob Armcharve, and Bennett Barbico. Smart. Less.

[Will Arnett]

Hey, friends. Jason here. We're so excited. The Smart List has officially joined the SiriusXM family, we can't wait to announce new surprise guests who we know that you'll love. If you want to be the first to hear new episodes ad free and a whole week early, subscribe to SiriusXM podcasts plus on Apple Podcasts or visit siriusxm.com podcastsplus to start your free trial today. Day Stand Up Comedian, actor and writer John Mulaney is coming to you live every Wednesday. John invites you into his world on Everybody's Live with John Mulaney. Exclusively on Netflix. This weekly comedy talk show covers whatever he's interested in this week. It's reckless, it's eccentric. It includes iconic guest combinations that you could only imagine in your wildest dreams. Tune in weekly at 10pm Eastern Standard Time. Everybody's Live with John Mulaney is now playing only on Netflix.

[John Mulaney]

Cats have always acted like their don't stink now with Fresh Step, Heavy Duty's.

[Jason Bateman]

New 30 day odor control.

[John Mulaney]

It actually doesn't. Fresh Step's new Heavy Duty litter fights odor three times longer than the leading brand.

[Jason Bateman]

This is Fresh Step's strongest litter ever.

[John Mulaney]

Giving your litter box 30 days of odor control. Step it up to Fresh Step with the new Heavy Duty Litter three times.

[Jason Bateman]

Claim based on fecal mallarder versus the.

[John Mulaney]

Leading regular clumping litter.

[Jason Bateman]

Strongest litter ever is based on odor control. Febreze is used under license from the.

[John Mulaney]

Proctor Gamble Company or its affiliates.