"Stephen Colbert"

Summary

SmartLess Podcast: "Stephen Colbert" (April 6, 2026)

Hosts: Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett
Guest: Stephen Colbert
Episode: 300th

---

Episode Overview

The hosts celebrate their 300th episode with special guest Stephen Colbert, marking both a comedic and nostalgic milestone. Colbert, a repeat guest and friend of the show, joins the trio to reflect on his career, the imminent end of The Late Show, memorable moments in show business, and, true to SmartLess style, a lot of laughter, irreverence, and tangents—from talk show war stories to Lord of the Rings trivia.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Celebrating 300 Episodes & Team Acknowledgement

• The episode opens with the hosts recognizing the significance of reaching 300 episodes, expressing gratitude to each other, their guests, and especially their behind-the-scenes team (Bennett, Rob, Michael, among others).
  • "It's coming up on six years... Thank you should go out to those who are giving us some airtime. Thank you very much for listening to..." (Bateman, 04:27)
  • "You would have turned this off years ago were it not for their work." (Bateman, 05:45)
• The trio jokes about the “birth” of SmartLess, treating the show as a living entity now reaching “300 years old.”

2. Live Show at the Hollywood Bowl Announcement

• The hosts announce a major live show at the Hollywood Bowl on October 17, with early access ticket codes for loyal listeners, and special provisions for anyone whose tickets were rained out from a prior attempt.
  • "We're bringing SmartLess to one of the most iconic spots in the world... Hollywood Bowl... October 17th." (Hayes, 06:45–07:11)

3. Stephen Colbert’s Return & Comic Introduction

• Will introduces Colbert with tongue-in-cheek accolades; Colbert plays along with the absurdity, feigning feats such as summitting Everest "without a shirt" (09:32):
  • "We lost half the debate team on the south call." (Colbert, 09:46)
  • The “shirts vs skins” climb becomes a thread for early banter and self-deprecating humor about childhood insecurities.

4. Colbert’s Career Chronology: Sketch Comedy, Talk Show Stardom & Almosts

• Sketch Comedy Origins & Early New York Days:
  • Colbert reminisces about moving to New York post-Second City to work on “Exit 57” with Amy Sedaris and others (13:47)—living in seminary dorms, scraping by, and the frenetic 90s sketch scene.
• Dana Carvey Show Lineup and Legend (15:35–17:20):
  • Recalls working alongside future giants: Steve Carell, Robert Smigel, Louis CK, Charlie Kaufman, and more.
  • "It was a pure mismatch. We did not go together at all." (Colbert, 16:22)
  • Describes the infamous ABC promo slot after a tearful “Home Improvement” scene as predictably leading to cancellation.
• Transition to The Late Show & Reflection on Hosting (18:32–19:45):
  • Discusses how wild the daily grind is, likening it to riding a flaming toboggan at midnight.
  • "It feels like riding in a flaming toboggan down a hill... and not hit a tree by 12:30 at night, because that's what it feels like..." (Colbert, 19:02)

5. Talk Show War Stories & Future Plans

• Best & Worst Guests (29:31–30:55)
  • Best: Conversationalists ("...anybody who wants to talk and actually have a conversation... Nathan Lane is old-timey—he’s got 90 seconds per answer and a big closer; Neil deGrasse Tyson is lump of glowing conversational uranium.”) (29:31–30:34)
  • Worst: Those who are overly prepped, unengaged, or difficult off-card.
• Approaching the End of The Late Show (31:06–32:43, 35:56–36:07)
  • Colbert is still in the thick of hosting and hasn't processed the end, candidly discussing pre-missing his “joy machine” of a team:
    • "Still very happy and grateful to have done the show for 11 years... and pre-missing everyone." (Colbert, 36:07)
  • Last show date: May 21st—“May 21st. It's May 21st. May 21st.” (Colbert, 36:32)

6. Industry Change: Nostalgia for Showbiz’s Old Ways

• The conversation drifts into how television has changed; sweeps season and pilot season are "dead," prompting reminiscing about Los Angeles pilot seasons, Thomas Guides, and beepers (37:02–43:08).
  • Colbert shares tales of being offered sidekick on Magic Johnson’s talk show “The Magic Hour,” which he ultimately passed on—values and the wisdom of declining the wrong "big" job (43:57–46:56).

7. Colbert’s Next Chapter

• Won’t reveal specific ambitions, but expresses excitement (and anxiety) for theater/showbiz uncertainty and a desire to “be of service” (53:41–54:11).
  • "I'm about to go, I'm about to enter into show business again. I've kind of not been in show business for 21 years..." (Colbert, 52:01)

8. Nerd Joy: Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and Collector’s Items

• Colbert shows off his deep Tolkien fandom and memorabilia:
  • Viggo Mortensen gifted him a chocolate Aragorn (24:32), chain mail from “Return of the King” set (24:07).
  • "Do you see my background? All my Lord of the Rings stuff here?" (Colbert, 23:44)
• Shares his Star Wars origin story, being among first to see it via radio contest in 1977 (62:48–64:39).
• Debates the cultural and cinematic merit of Lord of the Rings films:
  • "That trilogy is generally considered among the cognoscenti... to be the only perfect trilogy.” (Colbert, 66:15–66:24)

9. Playful Bits and Memorable Quotes

• Mock “hotline” segment where Colbert is purposely, confidently, and wrongly answers listener questions—suggesting his next career could be as a paid advice line (61:44–62:09).
• Banter on talk show hosting, underwear brand confusion, and dress code at LA auditions.
• “You come and shit your pants on my show. You don’t get to explain anything until you come on and explain.” (Colbert to Bateman, 35:08)

10. Affection & Farewells

• The tone becomes sincerely grateful and warm as the episode closes, with everyone affirming their admiration for Colbert and each other (“You found what you should be doing... hold on to it tight.” – Colbert, 69:46).
• “Love you guys. I’m so lucky. We're like family and brothers.” (Hayes, 72:10)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Hosting The Late Show:
  • "It’s like riding a flaming toboggan down a hill, and the whole point is to not hit a tree by 12:30 at night." – Stephen Colbert [19:02]
• On The End of The Show:
  • "Still very happy and grateful to have done the show for 11 years... and pre-missing everyone." – Stephen Colbert [36:07]
• On Guests:
  • "Nathan Lane... comes on and he’s got 90 seconds on that subject; at the end of which there’s a word he says and he’s done with that story." – Stephen Colbert [29:31]
• Lord of the Rings Fandom:
  • "This is some of the chain mail from Viggo's armor in that final scene." – Stephen Colbert [24:07]
  • "The trilogy is... the only perfect trilogy." – Stephen Colbert [66:24]
• Childhood Story:
  • "We lost half the debate team on the south call. They're still up there, forever young." – Stephen Colbert (on climbing Everest shirtless, in jest) [09:46]
• On Declining “The Magic Hour” Sidekick:
  • "I just think this would not be good for me. Like, I would never be able to wash off this tape." – Stephen Colbert [45:09]
• On Post-Show Plans:
  • "I feel like a college senior. I feel like I'm about to graduate." – Stephen Colbert [48:09]

---

Segment Timestamps

• Opening Banter & Gratitude – 02:31–05:44
• Hollywood Bowl Announcement – 06:45–08:19
• Colbert Introduction – 09:19–10:52
• Sketch Comedy Memories – 13:29–15:24
• Dana Carvey Show & NYC Days – 15:35–17:20
• Hosting Late Night & Industry Shifts – 18:32–19:45, 31:06–32:43, 35:56–36:07
• Best/Worst Types of Guests – 29:31–30:55
• Reminiscing About Old Hollywood – 37:02–43:08
• Magic Hour Sidekick “Near-Miss” – 43:57–46:56
• Lord of the Rings & Star Wars Fandom – 23:44–24:42 (LotR Memorabilia), 62:48–64:39 (Star Wars Story)
• Plans for “After” & Philosophy of Work – 52:01–54:11
• Affectionate Closing – 68:45–73:41

---

Takeaways for New Listeners

This episode weaves together SmartLess’s signature chemistry with Stephen Colbert’s quick wit and self-effacing honesty. It’s a portrait of an artist at a crossroads: looking back at a storied comedy and talk show career, weighing the meaning of endings and creative uncertainty, and still, always, happiest among friends, jokes, and a good Lord of the Rings debate. There are gems for fans of television and comedy history, touching career insights, and a sense of possibility—mixed, as ever, with pure fun.

---

Suggested Moments Not to Miss:

• Colbert inventing Everest's “shirts vs. skins” expedition [09:32–10:52]
• The talk show host audition bit, with Bateman and Colbert [19:36–21:28]
• Colbert explaining why he passed on “The Magic Hour” [43:57–46:56]
• Deep-dive into Lord of the Rings collectibles (chocolate Aragorn!) [24:32–24:42]
• Hosts’ heartfelt expressions of friendship as they reach their 300th [71:41–72:49]

---

Listening to this episode is like sitting in on a rare, candid green room hangout—where legends trade stories, roast each other, and, just maybe, admit what scares or excites them next.

Transcript

[Sean Hayes]

Ever invest in something that seemed incredible at first but didn't live up to the hype? Yeah, I wasted a lot of money buying a car when I was 21 years old. I spent way too much on it. It just. It never worked and I didn't know what I was doing. Marketers know that feeling. They optimize for the numbers that look great, like impressions, but they don't see revenue. LinkedIn has a word for that. Bull Spend. Instead, you can get the highest roas of major ad networks with LinkedIn ads. Cut the bull. Advertise on LinkedIn, spend $250 and get a $250 credit. Go to LinkedIn.com smartless Terms apply

[Stephen Colbert]

Hey

[Sean Hayes]

guys, remember spring break? As a kid, it was just simply the best sun and zero responsibilities. Sign me up. Spring break used to be a time to disconnect from work and reconnect with family. And with Hilton, it still can be. With over 9,000 locations worldwide. Hilton Hilton puts you in the best destinations with service you can always count on. It's like they know what you want and need before you even do. Hilton makes spring break easy to enjoy, turning every trip into something memorable. When you want spring break to actually feel like a break, it matters where you stay. Hilton for the Stay book [e-mail]. This episode of Smartless is brought to you in part by SkinnyPop Popcorn. You know when you want a snack that tastes great, but you don't want it to spiral into like a full life decision type thing? There is always that crossroads. You want salty. You want satisfying. You also want to avoid the feeling of needing to explain yourself afterward. That is where Skinny Pop quietly wins. Start with original Skinny Pop. It's made with just three simple ingredients, which feels refreshing in a world where labels require a translator. Sweet and salty Kettle gives you that perfect balance when you cannot commit to just one direction. And butter is built for movie nights, game nights, or nights when productivity is officially canceled. No matter which bag you open, Skinny Pop is light, airy, and endlessly delicious. It feels uncomplicated. It tastes indulgent. That is the balance. So I've talked a lot about grabbing Skinny Pop for movie night. You know what I do? Sometimes I replace potato chips with Skinny Pop popcorn. I'll make myself a peanut butter sandwich or whatever, a tuna fish sandwich. And I'll put a side of Skinny

[Jason Bateman]

Pop right on there.

[Sean Hayes]

Deliciously popped, perfectly salted Skinny Pop. Popular for a reason.

[Jason Bateman]

Hey, Sean. My name's Jason. You know what I love? 300 of what almonds summer salads, tighty whities, matcha lattes. What about you? You like 300 of anything?

[Sean Hayes]

My name is Sean Hayes and I like 300 glasses of milk. I also like 300 pounds of spaghetti and I also like 300 pound men.

[Stephen Colbert]

300.

[Sean Hayes]

La la la la.

[Stephen Colbert]

300.

[Will Arnett]

Welcome to the 300th episode of.

[Stephen Colbert]

We have.

[Jason Bateman]

Hey, listen. Let's have a lot of love today. You want to know what? It's someone's birthday today.

[Sean Hayes]

Whose birthday?

[Jason Bateman]

A little. A little pod creature called. Called smartless.

[Sean Hayes]

How old is it?

[Jason Bateman]

Isn't today. Isn't she 300 years old?

[Will Arnett]

300 episodes old.

[Jason Bateman]

300 episodes old.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah.

[Jason Bateman]

Oh, she looks so good.

[Will Arnett]

I know.

[Jason Bateman]

I mean, she's still getting around, I think.

[Will Arnett]

Is that our guest was clapping. That's pretty. That's nice. Okay.

[Sean Hayes]

All right.

[Will Arnett]

Okay. Well then now it feels like that's

[Jason Bateman]

about the guest, but. Yeah. Does it feel like 300, you guys? No, that's 300 weeks, which is how many years. Go ahead.

[Will Arnett]

300 weeks is six years. Yeah, just. But it's. Yeah, it's coming up in six years.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow.

[Will Arnett]

That's insane.

[Sean Hayes]

300 divided by.

[Jason Bateman]

Well, thank you. Thank you. Should go out to those who are giving us some airtime. Thank you very much for listening to.

[Will Arnett]

It seems unlikely to figure out. It was very unlikely that you would continue to listen to us at all in the first place.

[Sean Hayes]

I know.

[Jason Bateman]

I guess a thank you would go out to the. To the guests as well then, because that. That is the reason we're not being falsely modest here. We do this. This little drivel for a few minutes and then we get into the real, real draw, which is the. Which is the guests. We thank them for coming and we

[Sean Hayes]

also thank Bennett, Rob and Michael for helping us get here.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

I just got. It's a really robust.

[Jason Bateman]

What an audience.

[Will Arnett]

It's incredible. Yeah. We should give you. Right.

[Jason Bateman]

Don't do this alone.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah, yeah. Benny Barbaco and. And Rob army and Michael Grantieri are so such integral and important pieces to this whole thing. And part of our team. We're all in the team together. They are. We know.

[Jason Bateman]

They're the feathers and the wind between.

[Will Arnett]

We. We love you guys. We love you guys a lot. And you guys do an awesome job. I don't know if people under out there understand what an awesome job you guys do. It's really pretty remarkable. So thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Sean Hayes]

Thank you, guys.

[Jason Bateman]

You would have turned this off years ago were it not for their work. Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah, you're right. And I want to who else do we want to thank?

[Jason Bateman]

What about your parents? Thank you parents. Thank your team.

[Will Arnett]

Thank my team.

[Jason Bateman]

Thank your team.

[Will Arnett]

Will, obviously I always want to thank at every opportunity. I want to thank CAA for everything.

[Sean Hayes]

You know that I. Scotty, who does Scotty's.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thanks.

[Will Arnett]

Scotty's done a lot right from the get go. He helped us a lot. Getting us going on social media and

[Sean Hayes]

doing videos and stuff in the beginning.

[Will Arnett]

Yep. I, his wife for fucking. Keep in mind.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah, getting us, getting us in front of the mic.

[Sean Hayes]

It's like a lion. She's like a lion tamer.

[Will Arnett]

She is so shiny. Go ahead. You have something you want to say.

[Sean Hayes]

I'd be remiss if we didn't bring something up that's very, very exciting.

[Jason Bateman]

We've got, we've got, we've got a bowl full of good news.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, that's good. We're going to try this, we're going to try this again, guys.

[Will Arnett]

Try it again.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Jason Bateman]

This is big in the clouds.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

We're bringing smart lists. We're bringing smart list to one of the most iconic spots in the world, the Hollyw. Remember when we tried that last year

[Jason Bateman]

and then you got rained out?

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah. This fall.

[Jason Bateman]

This time.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah, yeah. What's the date on that?

[Sean Hayes]

It is Saturday, October 17th. This is a true story. We're really doing it. Saturday, October 17th. Tickets go on sale Friday, April 10th at [e-mail] live.

[Will Arnett]

10am Pacific. 10am Pacific.

[Sean Hayes]

10 Pacific.

[Jason Bateman]

Sorry, 10am and guess what else? Our listeners have a chance to get tickets free first. Our pre sale begins Wednesday, April 8th at 10am Pacific. Visit smartless.com live and enter our code. You guessed it, Tracy, with an E. Yep. T, R, A C, E, Y for first access.

[Will Arnett]

And I will say this too because a lot of people were bummed and remember there were so many people came up with.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, it was awful.

[Will Arnett]

So for those of you who had purchased tickets for last year's rained out show, be sure to check your emails because we set up a special time for you to purchase tickets. That's what we do.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh wait, I didn't know that.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we did a special thing.

[Sean Hayes]

So you just get an email saying, hey, you get, you can buy, you can buy tickets.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah. Hey, hey, wait, wait.

[Jason Bateman]

But did they get their money back for the, for the tickets they purchased last night?

[Will Arnett]

They did. They got a refund. They got a refund but now they got an email saying, hey, you get to, you know, jump the line or whatever it is, you know, very Nice.

[Jason Bateman]

All right, so that's October 17th at the Hollywood Bowl. If you don't live in Los Angeles, get on a bus, a train, a plane, a car, whatever you need to do. Just start walking maybe. Now get out here. It's going to be special.

[Will Arnett]

I'm so glad that we're doing this again. I am really, really glad.

[Sean Hayes]

And a lot of people, too.

[Will Arnett]

Anyway, listen. So much fun stuff, but you know what? We're wasting time. We're wasting his time. And by the way, he does not have time to waste yet. He doesn't. He is someone.

[Jason Bateman]

He doesn't have time to waste yet.

[Will Arnett]

He's a friend. He's such a friend of the show. He came on super early days. This is a return.

[Jason Bateman]

Double return.

[Will Arnett]

This is a return because he's a friend of the show. Because we love him so much. He is. Once I start naming all the stuff he's done, you're gonna know instantly. And even though our audience already knows, kids are listening. But I can just tell you some of his accomplishments and maybe you'll get it. He first soloed Everest at 18, oxygen free without a Sherpa. He swam the English Channel in a Hurricane. He's won 19 home and garden awards. He's Conan O' Brien's number one enemy, and he won a Nobel Prize for farting. You guys, it's Stephen Colbert.

[Jason Bateman]

Brilliant.

[Stephen Colbert]

Brillian.

[Will Arnett]

Brilliant.

[Stephen Colbert]

I like the technology I was asked to use to disguise myself.

[Jason Bateman]

I was really excited there for a second that. That we were going to have an Everest summiter on this.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. I want to correct that. I did not. Did not summit Everest without a Sherpa. It was without a shirt.

[Will Arnett]

We were going up.

[Stephen Colbert]

We were going up in teams, and it was shirts versus skins.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

This was, you know, this was in middle school. This is in middle school. And the coach is just like, have enough pennies. So it was like we lost a lot of people on the south call. A lot. We lost half the debate team on the south call.

[Will Arnett]

Never came back.

[Stephen Colbert]

They're still up there. They're still. They're still forever young.

[Will Arnett]

And it was. It was refereed by Sir Edmund Hillary, of all things, which is amazing.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Jason Bateman]

Wait, would you do that if you had an opportunity to. To at least go to Base Camp?

[Stephen Colbert]

Let's go.

[Jason Bateman]

Let's go around.

[Stephen Colbert]

I don't like heights. I really don't.

[Sean Hayes]

I would do it. I would do it.

[Jason Bateman]

I would do it, too.

[Sean Hayes]

I kind of like the cold like that.

[Jason Bateman]

No, I just. There's something about that mountain that just Gets me all cray cray. Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

There's something about that mountain. There's something about that that is reaching for manhood. There's just something about that mountain. I'm a K2 man myself. Really. Now I stop at Acon Gwa, okay? I only do. I only do South American peaks.

[Sean Hayes]

Really?

[Stephen Colbert]

Everest. That's kind of basic. Is that kind of basic to be an Everest guy? Oh, the Beatles are great. I love Everest. I get my gas at Exxon. Fuck you. And by the way, poser. You're a fucking poser.

[Will Arnett]

He lands.

[Stephen Colbert]

You're a shirt. You're a shirt. You were on the shirt team.

[Will Arnett]

He died on the. On the thing. He. Bateman lands at Catman, do he. He checks out the bus that picking him up and he is back on the plane right, right back to Dubai to make his connection.

[Jason Bateman]

No WI fi. As soon as there's no WI fi, I'm back on.

[Stephen Colbert]

What's the thread count? What's the thread count at 26.

[Jason Bateman]

Way too low. Way too low.

[Sean Hayes]

Do you know, when I was. When I was in middle school, Stephen, I used to hate shirts and skins. I used to get so self conscious because I don't want to take my shirt off.

[Jason Bateman]

I wasn't. I wasn't in great shape. I know you.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, of course.

[Will Arnett]

Wait for it. Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

I had nipples the size of pepperonis. It was not.

[Jason Bateman]

Me too. Me too.

[Will Arnett]

They used.

[Stephen Colbert]

They used to call me Shakies

[Sean Hayes]

Shaky's Pizza, Los Angeles.

[Stephen Colbert]

And just as they. They used to take napkins and get

[Jason Bateman]

the grease off of them, you'd volunteer to ref. You'd say, oh, I'll just ref.

[Will Arnett]

I'm good.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm good. What if I were the. The goal?

[Jason Bateman]

Willie did some goalie time. Willie was a good goalie in hockey, right? There's no shirts and skins there.

[Stephen Colbert]

What time zone are you in, Will?

[Will Arnett]

Space.

[Stephen Colbert]

Are you in New Zealand space?

[Will Arnett]

No, I'm in Los Angeles. It's early morning here. What time is it? It's 9:45, but I just. Yeah. Do I look crazy?

[Stephen Colbert]

Bateman, aren't you in Los Angeles too?

[Jason Bateman]

I'm in Los Angeles and you two are in the New York City.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm in New York City.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah. I'm in New York.

[Will Arnett]

I'm in a dark. I'm in a dark room. Stephen. I'm in my little. My little.

[Stephen Colbert]

I see.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah.

[Jason Bateman]

Stephen, what's going on? How much longer do you stay in New York City when you're done with the show?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, until like the court order. I have to Stay in the tri state area. So that's still just so that, just so they left the court order.

[Will Arnett]

That's still, that's still in effect.

[Stephen Colbert]

I mean, we're appealing, sure, but that gets whatever, Whatever judge you get is whatever judge you get.

[Will Arnett]

That is not. Of course. It's such a.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's who you know, man. It's who you know at child custody.

[Will Arnett]

I can't believe at this stage of the game you're still playing this courtroom politics. It's unbelievable.

[Stephen Colbert]

I, you know, I, I, yeah, I mean, I guess I'll stay in New York.

[Jason Bateman]

New York is home. New York's been home for how long?

[Stephen Colbert]

I got, let's see, my first New York gig was in 19. Meow, meow, meow. 1990. When did I leave Second City? Sorry for the boredom here.

[Jason Bateman]

No, we'll tighten this 94.

[Stephen Colbert]

94.

[Jason Bateman]

94.

[Stephen Colbert]

And I came to New York to work for HBO Downtown Productions. I worked on a show called Exit 57. I do not recommend it. I do not think we knew what we were doing. I remember that it was a sketch show. It was the year that it was like there was this one year where if you had any kind of sketch group, you got a show. It was us. It was the state, it was kids in the hall were still doing their thing. They were the end of their thing.

[Will Arnett]

Wait, but who was in exit 57 with you?

[Stephen Colbert]

I remember Amy Sedaris, Paul Danello, Jody Lenon and Mitch Rouse. It was the five of us. And then our director was a guy named Mick Napier. I don't know if you known Mick. He was about. That's improv director. And it was the five of us. And I lived here. I just got married, of course. Just got married and got a gig in New York. My wife stayed, Evie stayed.

[Sean Hayes]

And she's.

[Stephen Colbert]

I call her my wife. It's a pet name. And she stayed in Chicago. And I came and I lived in a seminary. I lived the General Theological Seminary, Episcopal Church. I lived in the dorms. I lived in a garret. Like one of these garrets.

[Will Arnett]

Like 21st street over there.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, yeah, down there. I lived in that thing. It's really beautiful.

[Will Arnett]

Beautiful. Those grounds are insane.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, there started in 1827. It's where a Night Before Christmas takes place because Clement Clark.

[Will Arnett]

Jason.

[Jason Bateman]

Sorry, what happened?

[Will Arnett]

Jason? Wait, Quick mention golf. Quick mention golf. Stephen, Mention golf.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, the, oh, the lawn out there is just. It is, is a Bentley Bluegrass chippable. Anyway, I lived in there. My room had hot and hot running water.

[Jason Bateman]

That was

[Will Arnett]

so that's.

[Stephen Colbert]

That was my first gig. So I came here in 94. But then I wouldn't be. I moved back. I would go back between seasons until the Carvey show, which was 90 96.

[Will Arnett]

The Dana Carvey Show. We've mentioned before on this podcast is the craziest group of talent of maybe. Of maybe the greatest.

[Sean Hayes]

Wasn't Steve Carell on that too?

[Will Arnett]

Go ahead.

[Stephen Colbert]

Carell and I were office mates. We'd been in Second City together. And then, yeah, it was me, Carella, Dino Stamatopoulos, Mike Stoyanov. Louis CK Was head writer. Robert Smigel was the executive producer, of course. Jamie Harvey, John Glazer, Robert Carlock.

[Will Arnett]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

And Charlie Kaufman.

[Jason Bateman]

Wow. Was this on NBC?

[Stephen Colbert]

Dude, yeah. And Heather Morgan.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah, dude.

[Stephen Colbert]

This was on ABC at like 8:30 or something. After Home Improvement. Whatever we were after Home Improvement, it was a pure mismatch. They did not go together at all.

[Sean Hayes]

Wait, I saw that clip of them promo. The promo. It was some documentary. It was a clip from documentary.

[Stephen Colbert]

It was called Too Funny to Fail.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, too funny to Fail. And you made me laugh. Sorry. Because you were laughing so hard.

[Stephen Colbert]

I had never seen the promo. It was a promo. It was in the Home Improvement. Like his son has got cancer or something. And he says to his dad like, you know, he goes like, I don't want to die. And he hugs him, he goes, you're not going to die. And then he goes, and then the Mug Root Pier Dana Carvey show. And we were like, course we were canceled.

[Jason Bateman]

That's what we were.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's what we were backing into.

[Sean Hayes]

It's one of the funniest clips. If you haven't seen it go on.

[Jason Bateman]

How long did it, how long did it go?

[Stephen Colbert]

We made. It was a 13 episode commitment. 13 episode buyout. That's why I moved to New York, you know, security. And then we shot eight of them and seven of them went to air. And the eighth one was pretty good, I gotta say.

[Jason Bateman]

Well, how about this? How about a return to.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, what about that?

[Jason Bateman]

Doing sketch work at a minimum.

[Will Arnett]

Are you going to get back in the sketch game?

[Stephen Colbert]

Will you pay me?

[Jason Bateman]

Minimum.

[Will Arnett]

Right,

[Jason Bateman]

but what about.

[Stephen Colbert]

Because I think that's pretty good for

[Jason Bateman]

our industry right now. Well, look, look, look at, look at what your office made Steve Carell. And I guess the question is.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, it's kind of a flash in the pan at this point. I don't think Correll's gonna pan out.

[Jason Bateman]

There's an actor. There's an actor bug in you. And, and how about pursuing that. What do you think?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, but those guys, come on, they have to memorize lines.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

And it has been 21 years that I've been. I've been latched to a prompter. I don't know if I. I don't know if I have the old cerebellum left to memorize.

[Will Arnett]

No, it wouldn't take you long. It would not take you wouldn't.

[Stephen Colbert]

You guys. You guys are. You guys. You guys are all actors, right?

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

I don't know a lot of your work, but you guys all act.

[Jason Bateman]

You'll send you stuff, primarily clips.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

Michael, I. God, I just complimented our. Our crew. And then they didn't even send our first reels over to this guy.

[Sean Hayes]

I can airdrop you mine.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'll airdrop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah, sure. Please send me. Send me some scripts, man.

[Jason Bateman]

Truly.

[Stephen Colbert]

Come on, I'm open. I'm open to. I'm open to whatever, man. I'll tell you one thing. I have no idea what I'm really gonna do until I finish what I'm doing, because I don't know if you've ever hosted a network Talk show at 11:30, but. Oh, you would like to. You would like to.

[Jason Bateman]

I'd like to.

[Stephen Colbert]

I have some terrible news.

[Will Arnett]

What? You would like to host a late night show.

[Jason Bateman]

I would. That's.

[Will Arnett]

Oh, you don't have the energy. You're way too low energy for it. You wouldn't be able to do it well.

[Jason Bateman]

You'd be terrible.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you enjoy, like, riding in a flaming toboggan down a hill? And the whole point is to not hit a tree by 12:30 at night, because that's what it feels like more than anything else. You're blind.

[Will Arnett]

You lost three shows. You'd last three shows.

[Jason Bateman]

I know I would. Every time I joke, the whole crew would quit.

[Will Arnett]

You wouldn't even have to fire them. They just fucking quit. The. Okay, they quit. You'd be too tired. You'd want to go home. You'd be like this. I gotta go again today. They're like, it's Wednesday. We started Monday.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right, let's. But let's. Let's try it. Let's. Let's audition. You okay? Okay, let's go.

[Will Arnett]

This is good.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm the guest on the show. You're the host. I've come on, remember, by the way.

[Will Arnett]

Which is the conceit of what we're doing now anyway.

[Jason Bateman]

But go ahead.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, the show. But. No, but this is how it is. So the show. I'm coming on for a show that you haven't seen.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Or you have seen and do not like.

[Jason Bateman]

Correct.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay.

[Will Arnett]

It's Late Nighter with Jason, baby.

[Sean Hayes]

Hey.

[Jason Bateman]

Our first guest today is Stephen Colbert. He's got a brand new show on.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is it a daytime show? Is it a daytime. You just say it's a day. So is this like at noon? I'm in bed right now, just following the view. Okay, go ahead.

[Will Arnett]

Hang on, let me talk to the audience. We're gonna go one more time. Sometimes we do this. It's the Late Nighter with Jason Bate.

[Jason Bateman]

Happy lunch, everybody. Today our guest is Stephen Colbert. He's got a brand new net episode that is good, but if you don't like it, it's on real fast and off real fast. Here he is. Welcome. Please, Mr. Steve. Come, Stephen.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you. Hey, man, great to see you.

[Jason Bateman]

Hey, great to see you.

[Stephen Colbert]

That is great to see you.

[Jason Bateman]

God, you're much taller in person.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you very much.

[Jason Bateman]

That's a good standard opener, right?

[Stephen Colbert]

That's one. That's why I say to most people. I say that to most people and they come on. Or have you gained weight? That's another good one.

[Jason Bateman]

And then how about. How about this for an opener? So what's been going on with you?

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, you know, I've been working on the project. Did you like it?

[Jason Bateman]

Oh, my goodness.

[Stephen Colbert]

Did you get a chance to see it?

[Jason Bateman]

My wife and I sat down to watch it the other day.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, yeah.

[Jason Bateman]

And my goodness, did we have a good time?

[Stephen Colbert]

I wish. We do recommend people sit while watching it.

[Jason Bateman]

Oh, absolutely. Or stand. You could fold laundry while you do it. You could do any number of things and not miss much. Hey, was it fun to make?

[Sean Hayes]

We gotta wrap it up.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, yeah.

[Jason Bateman]

Well, I'm a bit on the wing, really. Thanks for joining us today, Steve. Our next guest.

[Sean Hayes]

Just two minute segments. Wait, Steven.

[Stephen Colbert]

I would love to do guests that quick. Wouldn't it be great? Wait, maybe I should do that for my last show. I should have 40 guests. They only get 30 seconds.

[Sean Hayes]

Wait. But that's only a really good idea. That's a really funny idea because I

[Stephen Colbert]

don't know who to have for my last guest. Like that's a big thing. Like people going like, who's your last guest? I'm like, I don't know.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah, you can't sit. It's a.

[Stephen Colbert]

Only thing I could possibly imagine would be the right last guess because is the. Is the Pope.

[Will Arnett]

Sure, yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

I've written, I've written, I've asked, I'VE asked him to come on.

[Will Arnett]

Have you really?

[Sean Hayes]

He's been on my list, too.

[Will Arnett]

Did we end up hearing back from the Vatican yet? Is it a hard no yet?

[Stephen Colbert]

I've heard coin. It's coin toss at this point.

[Will Arnett]

Oh, God. Imagine how old that coin is.

[Stephen Colbert]

Imagine how on one side it has the head of Tiberius, of course. And you go render under Caesar what is Caesar? And Colbert, what is Colbert's. I should have put that as my post. I should have said, P.S.

[Will Arnett]

oh, you know what? You should have had, like, a Latin motto. Your show should have had a Latin motto this whole time.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, my old show did have a Latin motto. The Colbert pour. The motto was esse nunc videsse. No, it was videsse nunc esse, which meant to seem to be rather than be. Wow, great.

[Will Arnett]

I didn't know that. That's fantastic.

[Stephen Colbert]

It was on the thing. I also have a Latin motto on my. On my. On our fireplace at home.

[Jason Bateman]

And it says, burn unto thee.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, what did it say? Abandon all hope. No, it says, haik domus quam Ioki idifakawarunt est, which means this is the house the jokes built.

[Will Arnett]

No way. That's great.

[Sean Hayes]

That's great.

[Will Arnett]

Do either one of you two know Benedict, that? Deus per jazum Christum Dominum nos.

[Jason Bateman]

There's my answer.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hey, Ophelia, boni belli Dominus for biscuit.

[Will Arnett]

Mincena incorpore sano. Listen, guys, who cares?

[Jason Bateman]

I went to school on a bus.

[Stephen Colbert]

Or you. That movie with Viggo Mortensen, Captain Fantastic, where he raised. This is his kids at home.

[Sean Hayes]

Jb, have you seen that?

[Jason Bateman]

I have not.

[Will Arnett]

You'd like his full frontal. Full frontal VGO too.

[Stephen Colbert]

Can I get into VGO for a second here?

[Will Arnett]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

You see, do you see my background all. Do you see the stuff? All my Lord of the Rings stuff here?

[Sean Hayes]

Yes. I love that, Stephen.

[Stephen Colbert]

So this is Map of Metal Earth right there. That's a. Sean, stand up real quick.

[Will Arnett]

Let's see if he's got a friend. Sean, stand up.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay, okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

The other things. This right here, this is in the. In the. In the Lord of the Rings in the. In the final battle at the Black.

[Sean Hayes]

I just. We watched them just like last week.

[Stephen Colbert]

He's wearing chain mail under his plate. Yes, Vigo is. This is some of the chain mail from Vigo's armor in that final scene.

[Sean Hayes]

Wait, how did you get that?

[Stephen Colbert]

How did I get that?

[Jason Bateman]

Steven, how old were you when you lost?

[Stephen Colbert]

They don't just give these shows away, Sean. You gotta be a mover. That's not even what I wanted to show you fuckers. Listen to this. Look at this.

[Will Arnett]

I'll tell you how he got it. He asked offhand to an assistant.

[Sean Hayes]

Wait, let me see that.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, yeah, that is. That is an image of Aragorn made out of chocolate.

[Will Arnett]

Oh, my God. Oh.

[Sean Hayes]

Who did it?

[Stephen Colbert]

Given to me by Viggo Mortensen.

[Sean Hayes]

Wow, that's cool.

[Stephen Colbert]

He gave this to me 25 years ago. When you're promoting the Lord of the

[Sean Hayes]

Rings, you obviously know the story where he, in anger kicked one of the dead orcs and stubbed and went. Ripped his toe off, basically.

[Stephen Colbert]

He kicked a helmet. He kicked a helmet.

[Sean Hayes]

He kicked a helmet. Yeah. One of the dead orcs up the other. And then he kept going. And his scream is him screaming in pain. Yeah, I think that's.

[Stephen Colbert]

And Peter Jackson went, oh, that was good. Let's keep that take. And then he found out later.

[Jason Bateman]

We'll be right back with Dork Chat after this. First.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hey, hey, hey, guys.

[Will Arnett]

Now that we've cleared the ladies out of the room, let's get down to it, all right? They're all gone.

[Stephen Colbert]

Whose shirts? Whose skins?

[Sean Hayes]

We'll be right back.

[Jason Bateman]

My home, like your home, It's a retreat, right? It's your nest, right? And you want to. You want to be able to just lay out in that nest, you know, after a long day. So, you know, like my couch, like your couch is probably deep. It's soft, highly crashable, right? The home should show off who you are. And Ashley has styles that balance timeless appeal and modern trends to bring your personal look home. Ashley offers well crafted, affordable pieces built to stand up to real life with great looks that are made to last. More than just eye catching design. Get features like stain resistant performance fabric options that are incredibly durable, stain resistant with machine washable cushion covers. Plus, Ashley provides fast, reliable white glove delivery right to your door. Now, my buns are very familiar with the Jersen Lowe swivel chair. I sat in this chair at our show in Los Angeles that we did in front of a live audience. And let me tell you something, I would have sat there for another three, four, five hours, but then we would have had to have charged everybody four, five times the amount they spent on the one hour show. So it didn't make any sense.

[Stephen Colbert]

But.

[Jason Bateman]

But the Jerson Low swivel chair made that a temptation for me. Visit your local Ashley store or head to Ashley.com to find your style. Oh, boy. You know, we talk about closets A lot on this show. We sure do. Kicking the door down, coming on out. Basically talking about that closets are for clothes.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, I just knew.

[Jason Bateman]

And I've taken that too much to heart. Cause my closet is. It is stuffed. I've been meaning to go through my closet, round up some of them. I should sell it. I mean. Yeah, listen. You know, what feels familiar in my closet may be exactly what someone else is searching for. Buy, sell and discover affordable secondhand fashion you'll love. With the resale marketplace, Depop reselling can feel overwhelming.

[Sean Hayes]

But on Depop, getting started is easy.

[Jason Bateman]

Just snap a pic of your item and Depop can take care of the rest, including suggesting a price to help

[Sean Hayes]

sell one of the best parts. There are no seller fees, which means you keep more of your money.

[Jason Bateman]

No printer required. And you can even choose a convenient drop off. No matter your style. Depop is where people with all kinds of tastes come to sell and shop.

[Sean Hayes]

It really is for everyone. Parents selling, kids wear, people shopping for the perfect outfit for a Friday night out. And anyone who wants to express themselves and play with trends on their own terms.

[Jason Bateman]

Download the Depop app now and start listening. Today

[Will Arnett]

I have great news.

[Jason Bateman]

Malcolm in the Middle is back. My life is fantastic now in a four part event. All I had to do is stay

[Sean Hayes]

completely away from my family.

[Jason Bateman]

Your biggest problem is that we exist.

[Stephen Colbert]

Everyone's invited to the can't miss reunion of the year. This family's behavior is toxic to me. We all just take turns fighting and creating disasters. That's what families do. Malcolm in the Middle Life's still unfair premieres Friday, April 10th on Hulu and Hulu on Disney. For bundle subscribers, terms apply.

[Jason Bateman]

All right, back to the show.

[Sean Hayes]

Wait a minute, Stephen, I want to go back to the talk show for a minute because you were kind of alluding this with Jason.

[Stephen Colbert]

Me too, but they won't let me.

[Sean Hayes]

But obviously I don't want to know names. Please don't say names. But what are the types of guests that are the greatest and the types

[Will Arnett]

that are the worst and also mouth. The worst.

[Stephen Colbert]

The worst. Oh boy.

[Sean Hayes]

Ooh.

[Stephen Colbert]

The best guests are just anybody who wants to talk and actually have a conversation like that. The card is immaterial. We don't have to stick to the card. I mean, don't get me wrong, I really like Nathan Lane comes on and what I love about him is that he's old timey and it has nothing to do with his age. It means he comes on and he I know to ask him a question and he's got 90 seconds on that subject, at the end of which there's a word he says and he's done with that story. And I move on to the next thing, which is very old school, very Carson, and I love it. It's the old days. But what I really like is just somebody who's just come to come on and talk. And also someone who's really. That's why I like Neil Tyson. Cause Neil Tyson, a. I'm interested in this subject. Neil Dergrasse Tyson. And then he burns so, like, passionately, he wants to explain things. He's like this lump of, like, glowing conversational uranium. And I feel, like, singed on one side of my body after he leaves.

[Will Arnett]

We loved him, too. He's so good.

[Stephen Colbert]

He's a joy.

[Jason Bateman]

I stumped him. He couldn't answer my question.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes. What was that?

[Jason Bateman]

He didn't get it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Name all the children on the Partridge Family. And what their astrological signs were.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

He couldn't get it. It couldn't get it.

[Will Arnett]

No.

[Stephen Colbert]

He got stuck. He got stumped on Danny. He had everybody but Danny.

[Will Arnett]

Would you think he'd know?

[Jason Bateman]

Right?

[Stephen Colbert]

Because Danny's on a cusp. He's a cancer leo.

[Will Arnett]

Cusp.

[Sean Hayes]

Wait, Stephen, tell me about. And I know, I'm sorry, if you've answered this question a billion times, what are you feeling about the end of your show? And, like, all of. All of that. And.

[Stephen Colbert]

And I actually have not answered it a million times. I've answered it once to Seth Meyers. And he answered that. He asked that question way better.

[Will Arnett]

Let's see how Jason. Jason, do it on your show. How would you ask Stephen on your show?

[Jason Bateman]

Yes, Stephen, end of your show. Thoughts.

[Stephen Colbert]

250 people losing their jobs. Any feelings?

[Jason Bateman]

You've only got 30 seconds. Remember, gotta get back after lunch.

[Will Arnett]

Lunch breaks these days are short.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, 30 seconds.

[Jason Bateman]

Episode.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hey, listen, you know, on one level, I have no time to feel anything about it. Because as I said, I was just saying it really is like a flaming toboggan ride every day. Like, I got a show. I don't have time for this bullshit. I've gotta go do a show today, and it takes everything I got. I don't know what I'm gonna do after this because I don't have time to really. I mean, I've got stuff I'm committed to doing, things after this that I committed to before we were canceled that I've gotta deliver on. But what I'm gonna really do, I don't know, because this takes almost in all of my brain to do this. And I love this group of people

[Will Arnett]

that I work with.

[Stephen Colbert]

I have cobbled together over the last 21 years, some over like 30 years of working.

[Jason Bateman]

It shows. The show is so goddamn good.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thanks. And we have such. We have a really good time to each other. I mean, we have real affection for each other. We have great time together. We call it the joy machine because it's a machine all the time. And you can either do it with joy or not do it with joy. Because if you don't do with joy, you. Your finger is going to get caught in the gears and you're just going to be mad and sad.

[Sean Hayes]

Absolutely.

[Stephen Colbert]

And so, you know, we. We just try to have a good time and. And we want our guests to have a really good time. We like, the whole thing is like, I really feel like I'm a host. I'm like. It's like I'm hosting a party and, you know.

[Will Arnett]

But people get nervous, though. I remember JB is sometimes people are in the dressing room and they're shitting their pants.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wait a minute.

[Will Arnett]

Stephen.

[Stephen Colbert]

Stephen, wait, wait. You have not been back. You have not done that since that story has been told. And I've been waiting to give you a pair of underwear.

[Will Arnett]

No, we got our underwear, by the way. You sent us underwear. Yes, I still wear my.

[Sean Hayes]

I still wear it. I have it on right now. That's okay.

[Jason Bateman]

Wait, wait. I don't have underwear.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, you all underwear. We sell really nice, like Calvin underwear or something like that.

[Sean Hayes]

No.

[Will Arnett]

What.

[Stephen Colbert]

What are they?

[Will Arnett]

What are they showing? Go low. Go low. Sean.

[Stephen Colbert]

Are they Tommy, Like Tommy.

[Jason Bateman]

Tommy Bahama.

[Stephen Colbert]

They're on the back. I don't know what.

[Will Arnett]

Scotty, Scotty, come check my underwear again.

[Jason Bateman]

I can't read upside down.

[Will Arnett]

Fourth time this. Not for that. Not for that.

[Stephen Colbert]

What brand is Wednesday?

[Jason Bateman]

Wait, Stephen, I haven't been back since then. That's not.

[Stephen Colbert]

You have not back since you. Your pants on my show.

[Jason Bateman]

Oh, David Cross.

[Will Arnett]

Can.

[Jason Bateman]

Can. Can. Can confirm they're for daily wear. That's. That's. I have a mark. Mark.

[Stephen Colbert]

Mark Andreessen. That's how he made the billions.

[Jason Bateman]

Mac Wellen.

[Sean Hayes]

Okay.

[Jason Bateman]

Mark Wayne. Mark Wayne Mellon. Mark Wayne Mallon.

[Will Arnett]

You know, it's unreal. These. These tech guys, they're moving to underwear. It's been unprecedented. It went from AI to underwear.

[Stephen Colbert]

My underwear is in the cloud now. I. My pants in the cloud.

[Sean Hayes]

Cloud.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's so.

[Jason Bateman]

My underwear is in your trash can.

[Sean Hayes]

I shit my pants in the cloud.

[Jason Bateman]

We should explain to the Listener that I have. No, I don't think we should.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, I don't think we should explain. I'm sorry. You come and shit your pants on my show. You don't get to explain anything until you come on my show to explain. You don't get to burn this story on somebody else's show, even if it's yours.

[Will Arnett]

I think Jason should be your last guest. Now, obviously,

[Stephen Colbert]

he only comes out for 30 seconds. I'm sorry, that's all we have time for.

[Jason Bateman]

I gotta go clean myself. Goodbye.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, all of our guests in our. Get in our gift bag. We do have. We have dude wipes

[Jason Bateman]

now.

[Sean Hayes]

We do, dude.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, they're denim. They're denim dude wipes.

[Sean Hayes]

Wait, so, Stephen, 35 minutes in.

[Jason Bateman]

We haven't had a question yet.

[Stephen Colbert]

I love it. This is called a good guess. No, this is how I was feeling. No, Sean asked how I was feeling.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah. Do you remember that?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

Then you asked some thoughts. Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wait, let me finish answering the question. Just saying how do I feel? Still very happy and grateful to have done the show for 11 years.

[Jason Bateman]

Of course.

[Stephen Colbert]

And pre missing everyone. How about that?

[Sean Hayes]

And when is the last show? When is the date?

[Stephen Colbert]

They haven't told me yet, evidently. Just there. Someone's just gonna call me in the back of the head,

[Will Arnett]

execution style, and

[Stephen Colbert]

they want me to wear a chin strap beard and a stove pipe hat. And I don't understand why, but everything.

[Jason Bateman]

A bunch of plastic on the desk.

[Stephen Colbert]

I just come in, I go, huh?

[Jason Bateman]

What's that plastic doing on the floor?

[Stephen Colbert]

It's May 21st. It's May 21st. May 21st.

[Jason Bateman]

So they're gonna get some sweeps ratings out of it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. Do you know there are no sweeps anymore?

[Jason Bateman]

Really?

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Sweeps don't exist. And they haven't been around for like eight years. There have been no get back in the game, baby.

[Will Arnett]

I know that.

[Stephen Colbert]

I know this podcast thing is working out for you guys, but, you know, you've lost a step.

[Will Arnett]

Old tv.

[Stephen Colbert]

Old tv. There's no. There's no more.

[Will Arnett]

There's no pilot season.

[Jason Bateman]

No, there isn't.

[Stephen Colbert]

No.

[Will Arnett]

Although.

[Sean Hayes]

Although, I just read that they're gonna try to do that again. That they're gonna do pilots again.

[Will Arnett]

Well, what's. So. Yeah, anyway, who cares?

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, pilot season. Maybe I'll fly out and do pilot season again. That was always fun.

[Sean Hayes]

Why don't you do that?

[Jason Bateman]

Stay at the Oakwood.

[Stephen Colbert]

Stay at the Farmer's Daughter or whatever

[Will Arnett]

I used to say.

[Stephen Colbert]

The Farmer's daughter or my other brother lived up and lives up In La Canada. Sometimes I would stay with him. Oh my God, he had great cars. Oh, he would lend me his Porsche. I would go to. I would go to these. I didn't have. I did. I couldn't, like I didn't have back then. It was like, like pre cell phones. I wouldn't, I didn't have. I couldn't make a phone call. I had no cash. But I would pull up to the audition in a white Carrera. Wow. What's brother do was lawyer. He is 19 years senior than me and I'm one of 11. He's the eldest on the baby and big, big California land use lawyer and many other things too.

[Sean Hayes]

Wow.

[Will Arnett]

So you had nothing but poor. You had a Thomas Guide.

[Jason Bateman]

Oh sure he did.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, I did.

[Jason Bateman]

Page 33 and 34.

[Stephen Colbert]

The Thomas Guide flipped over. Okay. Age like that. I remember I had a Thomas Guide I just kept in my bag all the time because I don't know. I never knew when I'd have to go to LA and when, when OJ was when the chase. I was driving from New York down to.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah, this guy got railroaded. Tell him absolute news.

[Stephen Colbert]

You're going to be.

[Will Arnett]

So he's a crazy OJ fan.

[Stephen Colbert]

What going to be so all the

[Jason Bateman]

way back to the.

[Will Arnett]

We've kept him insulated cuz he just, he's such a fan.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, I was driving from New York down to Maryland for a wedding and he's in the chase and I just, I'm in the backseat of driving now with these people to a wedding and I get in the back seat. I've got the Thomas Guide following where he is based on what they're saying on the radio going the Thomas Guide. And we go, oh, he's getting off. He's gonna get off the highway. Here's his exit. And I was like trying to stay. I was one step ahead of OJ the whole time, baby.

[Will Arnett]

You were like, what's he doing? He's taking Montana. I was crazy. At this time of day.

[Stephen Colbert]

He'll never make it back.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah, I was in. I remember I was in. I was out here. I was in California briefly when that happened. I was staying at a friend's house up in the hills and I could see, you could see where he was going by all the helicopters going along the freeway. Just the pack of helicopters following him, then culminating his house. It was so scary.

[Jason Bateman]

Jb, you were. I feel like that was like three years ago.

[Sean Hayes]

I know. Isn't that weird? Yeah, yeah, I know.

[Jason Bateman]

I remember they, they interrupted. I think The NBA playoffs or something?

[Will Arnett]

Yes.

[Jason Bateman]

Right.

[Will Arnett]

Yes. The Knicks. The Knicks were in. That were in the final with the Lakers.

[Stephen Colbert]

When I arrived at this wedding, my wife had gone on ahead of me. It was all her friend. It was for her friend getting married. And I pull up to this, and they haven't. He's not out of the car yet. It's still the overhead chase. And I come up, and my wife is at the door of the bar where everyone's meeting the night before the wedding. And I get out of the car, I walk past her. I went, hi. And I walk into the bar. She has not seen me because I'm living in New York, working, and she. She's. She's in Chicago. She hasn't seen me, like, in two weeks. I went, hi. I walked by her, and I went up to the bar. I said, can you please change that game to any news station right now? And the guy went, no. And I said, I promise you people will be interested in this.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah, because remember, the.

[Stephen Colbert]

The.

[Jason Bateman]

Everybody was really concerned that he was just wanting to get into his driveway so that he could commit suicide. In the back of that. Remember, they said that there's a gun back there. He just wanted to get to his house and get it done.

[Sean Hayes]

Wig. Something.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah, yeah. And there was a. There was a whole wig.

[Will Arnett]

Was there.

[Stephen Colbert]

It was a wig.

[Will Arnett]

Not. Chris. I'm sorry.

[Stephen Colbert]

It was.

[Sean Hayes]

Wig was in the back seat.

[Stephen Colbert]

He. He was. Actually, it was the same day he was auditioning for Laage.

[Will Arnett]

No way.

[Jason Bateman]

They were parents.

[Stephen Colbert]

He would have been fantastic. Let's all admit. Yes. You know, Murder. Yes. But fantastic. You think Nathan Lane hasn't killed somebody?

[Jason Bateman]

There's our clip.

[Stephen Colbert]

I am what I am.

[Will Arnett]

Who knew our 300th would be our last? You know?

[Sean Hayes]

Right?

[Jason Bateman]

This is. This is pretty. Oh.

[Stephen Colbert]

Happy 300. This is 300 now.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah, I think this is 300. You were on early. You were on early days.

[Will Arnett]

One of our first ones. Yeah.

[Jason Bateman]

First 10.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. I didn't even know. I didn't even know who you guys were. They're like, do you want to do this thing?

[Will Arnett]

And I'm like, oh, you still don't.

[Jason Bateman]

Price was right.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

You're Googling us as you speak. Wait. Back to the Farmer's Daughter. I hooked up with someone at the Farmer's Daughter.

[Jason Bateman]

Huh?

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, go ahead. Well, thank you.

[Will Arnett]

Circled back.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wait a second. Was he pale and Irish from South Carolina? Was he very lonely? Did he keep on calling? Did he call you Evie?

[Sean Hayes]

Steven?

[Will Arnett]

Does that. Does that. Does that line up, Stephen, with what you Called your. Your blackout days. Is that.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah. This all time?

[Stephen Colbert]

I think. I think we matched Legos.

[Will Arnett]

Wait, Sean, keep going.

[Sean Hayes]

No, that's it.

[Will Arnett]

It was.

[Sean Hayes]

I was so.

[Jason Bateman]

End of story.

[Stephen Colbert]

So then. So, so you'd go audition in the morning. You'd audition like a couple of places in the morning. Then you'd go to the. The whatchamacall. The farmers market.

[Sean Hayes]

That's right.

[Stephen Colbert]

And like the old one with the. Yeah. And the big parking lot or whatever

[Jason Bateman]

before the grove was built.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. And then you get like a fruit plate and you. And all the people you knew from Chicago, which was my situation, you'd sit around and you put your beeper that's right in the middle of the table and everybody put your beeper in front of you. And you'd be eating like some lovely melon or whatever like that. And then. And somebody would start buzzing.

[Sean Hayes]

That's right.

[Stephen Colbert]

And call back. And then you'd be like, well, yeah, well, that's the life I could have had.

[Will Arnett]

What was that great breakfast place that was there?

[Stephen Colbert]

Denny's.

[Sean Hayes]

At the farmer's market.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, it's called Dupars.

[Jason Bateman]

Dupars.

[Will Arnett]

No, no, it wasn't Dupars. It was like a counter you could go with. Not Dupars. It was part of the farmer's market, though.

[Jason Bateman]

There were a lot of tasty little treats in there. Well, Stephen, do you remember going in and reading for a pilot and signing your five year deal and seeing what you could be making if you do make it past this final round?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. I want you to know I did not go to network that many times. I, it turned out, had to write for myself because I was ostensibly an actor, but I was really turned out. I was probably a writer who needed to write for himself because I didn't. There's not a lot of tape on me from the early days. I went to network. Ah, God. They were gonna do an Addams Family. I remember that. Oh, wow. They were gonna do like a reboot of the Addams Family. I was called back in for Gomez. I remember that. That was kind of fun.

[Will Arnett]

Do you remember who got it? Do you remember who. Who's in that pilot?

[Stephen Colbert]

Nope. Oh, here's a good one. I was supposed to be the sidekick. Did I tell you this already? Did I tell this? Last time I was offered the sidekick for the Magic Hour.

[Sean Hayes]

What's the Magic Hour?

[Stephen Colbert]

Magic Johnson's talk show.

[Jason Bateman]

No way.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, yeah. I was offered the sidekick on the Magic Hour.

[Jason Bateman]

Did that ever go. I don't remember that show.

[Stephen Colbert]

It did it went for like eight weeks or something like that, like whatever, 32 shows like that. And I got called in, really lovely fella named Jim Sharp, who used to, he was head of development for Comedy Central. And I knew him through that. And he goes, would you come in and just meet with these people? And I said, sure. I mean, I had a wife and a child and none of us had any jobs. And I was like, whatever, I will dance on the head of a pin, shirtless. And I went in and I met with them and first I'm at the gym and then Magic's team came in and Magic's team all looked like the Lakers.

[Sean Hayes]

The entire basketball team.

[Stephen Colbert]

Just the Laker Girls. Just the Laker Girls.

[Will Arnett]

Okay, sorry.

[Stephen Colbert]

They all came in, they're all very attractive, very athletic looking and all, I think lawyers. And they came in and they explained to me like, what the show was going to be. And they said, you're going to be like the, you know, be the announcer and the sidekick and you'll be like, you're like Magic's crazy uncle. Like he'll do a monologue, but you're like the crazy guy. And you'll pepper him with like, you'll yell things at him and you'll say stuff and he'll like, he doesn't know what you're talking about. Like, you know, you're like the crazy uncle. He doesn't understand what you're saying or anything like that. And evidently I really wowed them in when I said, I understand what you mean. Like, I don't remember saying anything other than I. The words you're saying are registering with my Tim Panum. And then I got called and they said, they want you, man, they want you. And I had to sit my pregnant wife down. Cause I flew back to New York and I had to sit my pregnant wife down and we're unemployed, she's pregnant. And I had to say to her, I've been offered this job on Magic Hour and I have to not take it. And she goes, what? And it paid well. Let me just say it paid well. And we didn't have. We were living with her parents back in South Carolina. It was a bad situation. And we're in the breakfast nook of her parents house and I said, I can't. I just think it was. This would not, this would not be good for me. Like I would never be able to wash off this tape. I just don't think this is gonna be good. And then she stood up. God bless this woman. She stood Up. She looked at me and she said, okay. She said, I trust you. And then she walked out of the room, and it was a bad moment. And then like six weeks later, it went on the air, and she turned to me, she says, good call, because Magic comes out. Turns to this guy. I forgot who it is. Perfectly lovely comedian who got the gig. I used to know his name. I can't remember. You'd know him if you saw him. He's a funny guy. And the first thing the guy says to Magic, Magic goes, man, he's like my crazy uncle. He says things, and I don't know what he's talking about. He just named exactly what they had said to me in the meeting things. And then. And then it kind of went downhill from there. And so that was.

[Will Arnett]

Do you think. You think you would have ended up owning a piece of the Dodgers had you stayed?

[Stephen Colbert]

No, but a lot. But a lot of movie theaters.

[Will Arnett]

Yes. Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Jason Bateman]

Well, that's not a great business nowadays, right? Owning those theaters.

[Sean Hayes]

Those are.

[Stephen Colbert]

You can just go in and buy popcorn. You know, you don't have to actually go see a movie. You can just go in and buy popcorn and work the Coca Cola machine, like.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah. That's how I was so close to Century City. I could just see.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's convenient. You don't even think about it.

[Will Arnett]

So wait, so that's like 90. That's like 94, 95 type thing, like in there. That's pre or post.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, that's 90. That's 97. That's 97.

[Will Arnett]

That's ninety seven.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's post. My first gig.

[Will Arnett]

So it's right before Strangers with Candy.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, it's after Carvey. Even after. It's after Carvey, I've done x57, then I've done Carvey and then Strangers with Candy. I actually, while I was out there for that pilot season, Paul Danello and I, with Amy Sedaris, wrote the pilot over the phone. We wrote the pilot for Strangers.

[Sean Hayes]

Wow. That's amazing. Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

So great. I know you. I don't want to. I know you kind of already answered this, but what. After you're done with the show? I don't know. Everybody's gonna keep asking you over and over, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?

[Stephen Colbert]

I feel like a college senior. I feel like I'm about to graduate.

[Jason Bateman]

Because they want.

[Stephen Colbert]

Want.

[Jason Bateman]

Because they want you. Because they want more of you. We had. We. We didn't get a vote in all this. The. Everyone was watching your show because they want you. They love you. They don't want it to be over.

[Stephen Colbert]

Right.

[Jason Bateman]

So what are you going to do?

[Sean Hayes]

What's the. Yeah. So what's the dream?

[Stephen Colbert]

I'll just join you guys. You guys, that'd be great.

[Jason Bateman]

There we go. We've got our second clip.

[Stephen Colbert]

Fourth.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah, finally.

[Stephen Colbert]

Ready? Even. Split right? Even that.

[Will Arnett]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jason Bateman]

I can get up higher or I'll

[Stephen Colbert]

dilute one of you. I'll dilute one of you. We'll draw straws. We'll draw straws to see who gets to.

[Jason Bateman]

Sounds fair.

[Will Arnett]

Okay. Sure.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

We'll be right back. These days, the online world moves fast. That's why TikTok approaches teen safety with families in mind from the start. On TikTok, teens get over 50 built in protections right when they join accounts for teens start private by default. For those under 16, direct messages are turned off and only friends can comment on their videos. Safety is built in from day one, so peace of mind is already part of the experience. When safety comes first, discovery can follow. Learn [e-mail] guardiansguide

[Jason Bateman]

turn your tax refund into more funds with saving options from U.S. bank. Get competitive rates, access to your cash and tools that help you set goals with a savings account. Lock in a great rate with a CD to give your money a boost. See [e-mail] Savings Savings rates vary based on the presence of an additional eligible product and combined qualifying balances. CD rates vary by term and location. Member FDIC

[Sean Hayes]

this is a paid ad by BetterHelp. So financial stress can affect more than just your money, right? And how it shows up emotionally or mentally. BetterHelp connects people with fully qualified therapists who can help them to manage the emotional weight that comes with financial stress. Financial stress extends beyond a budget. It can disrupt sleep, increase anxiety and contribute to tension in relationships. BetterHelp works with over 30,000 fully qualified therapists. A short questionnaire matches you with someone based on your needs so you can focus on your goals instead of navigating the search process. With more than 12 years of experience and an industry leading match rate, BetterHelp typically gets it right the first time. If it is not the right fit, you can switch at any time. BetterHelp has served over 6 million people globally and may help if financial stress is weighing on you. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] smartless that's betterhelp.com smartless.

[Jason Bateman]

And now back to the show.

[Sean Hayes]

But what is the I know, sorry. We can move on from this if you want, but what is the dream like? What.

[Stephen Colbert]

What.

[Sean Hayes]

What is there anything that you' always wanted to do?

[Stephen Colbert]

Here's the thing. There's a lot of things that I enjoy doing. I. I'm kind of living the dream, you know, this is. This was never my dream. I never had any intention for this gig. It was. No, I never had any intention to. This was a happy accident that I got this gig. Like, I quit the old show before this show came to me and I hadn't told anybody I'd quit. I was like, okay, this is the end. That was the end of that show. And then before I could tell anybody, they offered me this and I came over here. But the. The idea was just. I was just going to go back being an actor again. I was going to go, just do that, live that life.

[Sean Hayes]

So then maybe we can look forward to that. What Jason was saying, maybe.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm about to go. I'm about to enter into show business again. I've kind of not been in show business for 21 years because this is artificial. Like, to be able to come in every day to know where your clothes are and who you're working with and what time it starts and what time it ends. And especially as the host, because you kind of even. You even get to make the yearly schedule. You just have to hit a number, but you get to make the dates. But after 21 years of that, now I'm like, wait, so if I'm lucky, I have to go to Prague for three weeks?

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

You know what I mean? Prague's a lovely place, but, like, I've really enjoyed. I mean, I got to raise my kids under those conditions, like, where I know where I was so lucky. And there's lots of young people who. This was their first job and they've been with me for 20 years.

[Sean Hayes]

And now they're amazing, amazing, amazing.

[Stephen Colbert]

And I'm trying to prep them. Them for what it was like before I had this gig, which is real show business, which is like high diddle d d and actor's life for me, you know, it's very much of a caravan.

[Jason Bateman]

But then just so then just to.

[Sean Hayes]

To.

[Jason Bateman]

To build on that, then. I mean, the bar is very high for that which you are comfortable doing like you don't want, or very low or very low.

[Stephen Colbert]

Like, I really. Honest to God, I tell you, no. The person who did the thing that I most admire, I mean, not most admire, but the thing that really struck me is like, you know what Haters. When he left snl, he went and wrote for south park for a season. And I remember I saw him. I was still doing the first show when he did that, and I was sitting behind him at the Emmys, and I said, man, that's the perfect thing to do. Just go serve something that you love already. Like, see, can I be of service to people who I really. Whose work I really admire? And I thought, that's a great thing to do. Don't even worry about your status of your previous gig.

[Sean Hayes]

Run.

[Stephen Colbert]

Just go do something you love. That's. That's. I'm just. I just don't have the time to. I mean, I got some things I. I do want to do, but I would never tell you what they are. Sure. No, no, because then you would go do them, right? Cutthroat. I know what. I know what Hollywood is like.

[Will Arnett]

Just a hint, though. Just a little hint.

[Stephen Colbert]

Just a hint.

[Will Arnett]

Is it stream?

[Jason Bateman]

Is it streaming? Is it linear?

[Will Arnett]

It's just us.

[Jason Bateman]

It's just us here.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's pay per View.

[Jason Bateman]

Pay per view, whatever. That's still a thing.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, yeah, I'm. It's going to be. It's mostly. It's a.

[Sean Hayes]

It's a form.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's a form. It's mma, technically. It's so smart.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

I'd love it if you. Would you fight Jake Paul. Could that be your next move?

[Sean Hayes]

Who wouldn't watch that?

[Will Arnett]

Come on.

[Stephen Colbert]

Who wouldn't watch that? God, I would love to. That so much.

[Will Arnett]

Sprinting around the room, you announce if you. You challenged him to a fight when you rap.

[Stephen Colbert]

I remember on the old show, I challenged you who Brock Lesnar is.

[Will Arnett]

Yes, sure.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

On the old show, I challenged Brock Lesnar to a fight, and I called him a. And everything like that. And I was. It occurred to me this. It was over multiple shows, and I don't know why I did it. I don't know what had happened that I got mad at Brock Lesnar in character. At a certain point, I went, I should stop saying this.

[Jason Bateman]

Did he ever come on the show?

[Stephen Colbert]

My head would. My head would just shear off cleanly like a Graham cracker. If he punched me once.

[Jason Bateman]

Oh, I remember him. Jesus.

[Stephen Colbert]

He's still alive. He's not dead, is he? Don't even joke about Brock.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah, man.

[Jason Bateman]

No, no, no, no. I mean, when he was fighting, remember him?

[Stephen Colbert]

Like, oh, yeah, he's a monster.

[Jason Bateman]

Like, remember, Mike Tyson was just, like, just. Just so violent in the ring.

[Stephen Colbert]

Did you ever seen that? Like the. The Jake, Paul, Mike Tyson fight. Did you, have you seen the footage where Mike pulls a punch? Because if he had followed through, he would have killed Jake. Paul, you see, like that calculation of like, I promised him I wouldn't do this. And then he puts his fist down because Jake's open completely. His head is just, his head just says an enter here sign. Right, right on his chin. And Tyson sees the opportunity and you see him not take the opportunity.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah, I remember seeing that video going around and everybody saying, this is definitely what the deal was.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. I mean, did you, like I, I say I grew up. I'm old enough. I'm much older than two of you. And, and I, when I was a kid, I, we was, Ali was on tv. There's no paper. Like you would go watch Ali on TV and, and Foreman and, and smoking Joe Fraser. And it was, it was a big part of my childhood was watching professional boxing.

[Sean Hayes]

I, I, I never understood it. I don't. Where the goal is to hit someone so hard that they lose, they lose consciousness. Yes, that's the goal.

[Stephen Colbert]

To hit them as hard as you possibly can just shy of killing them.

[Sean Hayes]

That's right.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's the sweet science. That's the sweet science right there.

[Will Arnett]

Sean, you don't get it.

[Sean Hayes]

Well, I, what's the problem?

[Will Arnett]

You've met people before, right?

[Jason Bateman]

And by the way, if you do kill them, you're good like bit in the world. If they do, if, oh really? If they die, you get.

[Stephen Colbert]

Prosecuters can get prosecuted.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah. Oh, really?

[Will Arnett]

Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

But isn't that the goal? To kill?

[Stephen Colbert]

No.

[Sean Hayes]

Almost kill them, but almost kill them?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. How about bull fighting? How do you feel about bull fighting?

[Sean Hayes]

Sure, I'll watch it for a few seconds.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. I'll eat them, but I won't stab them.

[Will Arnett]

How dare you?

[Jason Bateman]

I'll eat them.

[Will Arnett]

How dare you.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'll watch them. I'll put a bolt stunner in their head and bleed them out and then I'll grind them up. But I wouldn't want anyone in a, in, in tight pants to taunt it to death.

[Will Arnett]

Don't you? Don't you? Don't you, don't you drag us out to deep water. How dare you?

[Stephen Colbert]

No way. It's called heritage. It's called heritage, my friend. El hero.

[Sean Hayes]

I am listening to you. What's the. Yeah, that's exactly right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, it's beautiful. Oh, beautiful. It's an art.

[Jason Bateman]

If you could bring.

[Stephen Colbert]

I went to, I went to the bull fight. We went to the Plaza del Toro in Madrid when I was a kid with My mom and my mom. My mom. I remember the whole time she was like, I know I shouldn't love it. I know I shouldn't love it, but. And the bull. It was a bad fight. One of the fights was bad. The matador was bad. And my mother stood up as the bull was being dragged off and yelled, vival toro. I'm like, you're from Larchmont. What is happening to you?

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

She was a Hemingway fan. That was the problem or the opportunity.

[Will Arnett]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Papa, as we call it.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

The sun Elsa rises.

[Jason Bateman]

Are they still doing bull fighting?

[Stephen Colbert]

They are in Spain. They still are. I think pretty much. There's this Provencal bull fighting, which is. Which is like, on the near. In southern France, near the Spanish border. They don't hurt the bull. They taunt the bull and they run away from it. And they basically do dives to get out of its way. And. And between its horns, there are strings tied, and there are little ribbons and things. And if you get close enough to pull the ribbon off and not get hit by the bull, like, that's the. That's the.

[Will Arnett]

That's the Frenchman, right? They just surrender to the bull immediately. Is that. Is that the deal?

[Jason Bateman]

Some of them.

[Stephen Colbert]

They tell them. They tell the bull where the Jews are.

[Sean Hayes]

Wait, what do you get if you pull. If you pull a ribbon off the.

[Jason Bateman]

Off the ball?

[Stephen Colbert]

Honor.

[Jason Bateman]

What do you get?

[Sean Hayes]

Honor. And is there a receipt for that?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes, there is. There is. There is actually is. I have. I'll show you. I'll send you guys a website. I keep. I follow the season. There's a season, and then it's their teams. You really.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, so you're into it. You're into that.

[Jason Bateman]

Would you ever. Would you ever run with the Bulls?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes, I would. Oh, yeah, yeah. My son did that. It's a very good. It's a very manly look to wear the white outfit with. It's the feast of San Sebastian or something. I forgot what it's called.

[Jason Bateman]

Isn't there. There's a tomato fight associated with the weekend, isn't there?

[Stephen Colbert]

That's a different. That's a different thing. That's a totally different town.

[Jason Bateman]

True.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's a totally different town. No, but they do.

[Jason Bateman]

I was sent a package, and there's

[Stephen Colbert]

a town in Spain where they have tomato spice.

[Will Arnett]

You. The way that you. The way that you mix up your European festivals is so gross. Dude.

[Jason Bateman]

I thought they throw oranges at one of them, too.

[Sean Hayes]

During Oktoberfest.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jason Bateman]

And then you drink beers yeah, right. You go up to Germany and you have beers. It's the same weekend.

[Will Arnett]

How much time do you spend with Sedaris these days? Do you see?

[Stephen Colbert]

Not enough.

[Will Arnett]

Not enough.

[Stephen Colbert]

Not enough.

[Will Arnett]

God, she's a treasure, isn't she?

[Sean Hayes]

She's lovely.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. She's just marvelous.

[Jason Bateman]

That Instagram of hers, I don't know how she gets those. Very powerful photos.

[Sean Hayes]

I know.

[Will Arnett]

Very powerful.

[Stephen Colbert]

Her birthday is coming up soon.

[Will Arnett]

Well, what's amazing is that how big she is on Instagram. She didn't get a cell phone until about 2018, I don't think. 2018, right. I mean, you know that, too. She never had a cell phone. She had to call her at home and leave her a message.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, by the way, a friend of mine just, you know, there's. These are, like, new things. There's. Now landlines are coming back and you can. And there's six numbers. There's like 6, 3 0, 886 or whatever. And it's.

[Jason Bateman]

Instead of a 7 number.

[Sean Hayes]

No, but yes. Correct. And it's tied to the Internet in your house, but it's a landline, and it can only go to a certain person. Like, right, One person.

[Jason Bateman]

Like a hot.

[Stephen Colbert]

Only that person can pick up the phone.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Like, is there a thumbprint identifier? I don't know.

[Will Arnett]

It's like a hotline. Like a. Like the old school.

[Sean Hayes]

Almost like a hotline. Yeah. And they're. And they're getting really popular really fast.

[Jason Bateman]

Do a little bit more research on that and come back.

[Stephen Colbert]

I was about to say, you know what? That story did not pan out. A lot of excitement. And if we had jumped on, maybe we could have gotten that, that, that, that, that, that ground up on its skegs. You know, we could have made the wave with you. Yeah, but we just washed you.

[Sean Hayes]

But there's nothing else to the story other than landlines are coming back.

[Will Arnett]

You know what? You should do that maybe. Stephen, what about a landline where you have, like, a hotline and you answer. People call it and you just stand by the phone and you answer questions. They pay you, right? A couple bucks and then you add. You pick up the phone and you give them, like, 30 seconds.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, I have a wealth of knowledge. Ask me anything. Anything. Ask me anything. Right now. Let's try it out. Ask me anything. And let's see. Let's see if I see if I know anything about the subject.

[Jason Bateman]

In what country and on what weekend do they do the tomato fight?

[Will Arnett]

This is a great. This is great.

[Stephen Colbert]

That is actually. It's not in Spain. It's in Italy. It's on the feast of San cristobal. It's on the 8th of August.

[Jason Bateman]

Do you see this?

[Stephen Colbert]

Come on.

[Sean Hayes]

Is that true? Is that true?

[Stephen Colbert]

No, it's total bullshit. But that's.

[Will Arnett]

But that's what you're going to get on his hotline.

[Stephen Colbert]

And I think, I think the name. That'll be my podcast and it'll be called a Danger Dangerous Thing. Because a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. And I just, I answer all, all of your questions as. With absolute confidence.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah,

[Stephen Colbert]

I have, I have broad, but very shallow, like, you should not get your ankles wet. In my level of knowledge in most things other than the Lord.

[Jason Bateman]

It's called Good Smelling with Stephen Colbert.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's right. Then you'll know what it's like to

[Sean Hayes]

be married to me.

[Will Arnett]

Are you, like, are you. Are you super into the. Because you're into the Lord of the Rings and stuff, obviously, I imagine. And through. Initially, through the books. Are you a big Star wars guy? Duke who? Shauna's huge Star wars in that whole world?

[Stephen Colbert]

I do, I do enjoy. I do enjoy the Star wars universe. I was lucky enough when I was 13 years old. Star wars came out in 77. And because WTMA, the local radio station with the host Booby Nash and 1250 on your AM dial, they gave away tickets. You had like, be like the fifth caller and you got four tickets to see this movie. And nobody knew what it was. It was called Star wars and I won or my friend Keith Sargi. And it was me and Keith Sargey and Haskell Fudenberg and Haskell's mom. Cause we couldn't drive. We went to go see it. We had no idea what it was. And it was three weeks before it was released nationally. So we went to Northwoods Mall or something and we had these tickets, early tastemakers. We had to stop by the radio station to pick up the tickets. And they were big blue tickets that had like the Death Star on it and an X wing. We didn't know what any of this was.

[Will Arnett]

Right, right.

[Stephen Colbert]

And we wanted to keep the tickets because that'd be cool. Said, no, you gotta give us the tickets. But they handed us back a big button with the Starfield on it that said, may the force be with you. We had no idea what that meant. But we put our pins on and we sat down. Absolutely s. No idea what we're about to experience. And then, you know, then there was like, you know, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, we're like, what is that, man?

[Will Arnett]

Then.

[Stephen Colbert]

And Star wars comes up, and we were. It grabbed us by the. The scrotum. Like, it just dragged. And I was 13, and there wasn't much to grab at that point and dragged us into the story. And I. And the next day, we, like, the next Monday, we all went to school, and there was no explaining to anyone how everything was different now. Right. And then three weeks later, everybody was, you know, excited, and we were like. But we tr. We. We knew before you did.

[Sean Hayes]

Did you keep any of that stuff? Do you still have any of that?

[Stephen Colbert]

I still have the button. Yeah. The button.

[Sean Hayes]

You still do?

[Jason Bateman]

Of course.

[Stephen Colbert]

The button is in my workroom on the pegboard still.

[Sean Hayes]

That's amazing.

[Will Arnett]

Sean will hire somebody to come in. You shouldn't have said.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm scared.

[Jason Bateman]

You had Sean at Pegboy.

[Sean Hayes]

Stephen, I'll clean your office for you tonight if you want.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

Wait.

[Sean Hayes]

Stephen, go back to the Lord of the Rings just for two seconds, and we gotta let you go. I know.

[Stephen Colbert]

You go. No problems here, baby. What do you want to know?

[Sean Hayes]

I know, but, like, how often do you watch the movies?

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, I mean, I love the movies. I've seen them many times. Again, I saw them, like, I wrangled in any way I could to get tickets and whatever little Hollywood connections I had when those things came out to get in before anybody could see them. Like, I saw, like, the Director's Guild preview screening across town here, and. And I've seen him many times, but I. I. And I love Peter Jackson and. And Philippa and. And Philippa Boynes and Fran.

[Will Arnett]

Jason. Jason. You ever seen it?

[Jason Bateman]

Which?

[Stephen Colbert]

Lord of the Rings?

[Will Arnett]

Lord of the Rings.

[Jason Bateman]

I don't think I've seen any of the Lord of the Rings.

[Stephen Colbert]

No way. Yeah. Yeah. You're not. You're not me, right? You've not.

[Jason Bateman]

I'm not. I. I bet I. I probably saw, like, the first one, but I haven't. I haven't.

[Will Arnett]

Let's do it at your house, dude.

[Jason Bateman]

I was just gonna ask, what is. What is Return of the King considered between the Lord of the Rings, Star wars, and Star Trek? What is considered, like, the best?

[Sean Hayes]

Well, they're all so different.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

The best what? Get to the.

[Jason Bateman]

Get to the best film. I mean, Empire Strikes Back, I guess, always.

[Stephen Colbert]

You mean in. In, like, a science fiction or fantasy genre?

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah, just, like, quality of film and Lord of the Rings and. Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Lord of the Rings. That trilogy is generally considered among the cognizanti in this world to be the only. The only perfect Trilogy. It's perfectly executed.

[Jason Bateman]

And how old are they?

[Stephen Colbert]

This is the 25th. This year is the 25th anniversary. I had Elijah Wood on last night. The 25th anniversary of the first book.

[Jason Bateman]

Right. I just read about that. And he was embarrassed to say that he's yet to finish the books.

[Stephen Colbert]

He has not read the books yet. He started the books. Yeah.

[Jason Bateman]

That'd be my story.

[Will Arnett]

I remember I saw those at the Burlington Mall. Burlington, Massachusetts.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's a great story.

[Sean Hayes]

And you like the Hobbit?

[Stephen Colbert]

Wait, no, I want to hear more about this story. Tell me about the Burlington Mall.

[Will Arnett]

Hang on. I'm just reading a new email, but

[Stephen Colbert]

I, I'll tell you what I do, I do do, and I realize I just said do, do, is that I read the books constantly. Like, I love the movies. I admire so much what they did with it, but I'm a book guy. Like, I, I, I'm other than those.

[Will Arnett]

What kind of books are you into? What do you, what do you like to read?

[Stephen Colbert]

When I was younger, I was a huge Salinger fan. I, I mean, when I was. I've read. I used to read a book a day when I was younger, when I had the time. And it was all science fiction and fantasy and then a lot of philosophy, a lot of religious texts, stuff like that. You know, like comparative religion texts. Joseph Campbell, a lot of poetry. I love Galway, Kinnell. Boy.

[Will Arnett]

I'm bummed that I asked that question.

[Stephen Colbert]

Mary Oliver. Mary Oliver. Ever read any Mary Oliver?

[Will Arnett]

No. I'm much more sort of in fiction. I'm really into, like, noir and stuff like that. And I was going to say Len Dayton died yesterday. The great Len Dayton, who wrote. I don't know if you guys were into any of that stuff. No. Okay. No. Stephen Colbert. Let me just look at my notes here really quickly.

[Jason Bateman]

Any questions for Stephen?

[Will Arnett]

Not a question.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is there a second question?

[Will Arnett]

No, there's not really a second question.

[Sean Hayes]

300 guests.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah.

[Sean Hayes]

Like, this is such a thing that you are.

[Stephen Colbert]

Baby. That's an hour. It's a wrap.

[Will Arnett]

It's just fun to play. We just want to play with you more. We just want to.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'll have more time, you know, in June.

[Jason Bateman]

Yeah. We're gonna close.

[Stephen Colbert]

Please invite me back every. What was. It's been five years since I was on.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah.

[Will Arnett]

No, almost six years.

[Sean Hayes]

Wow.

[Will Arnett]

Because you were on early. It's been almost six years.

[Stephen Colbert]

So please. Let's see in six years. This has been so fun.

[Sean Hayes]

But truly. But truly, Stephen, for such a special thing, for our 300th episode, it's really, really cool.

[Stephen Colbert]

So I didn't know this was 300th. What an honor to be at such a milestone. Who did you have for 200? Who'd you have for 200? Do you remember the Pope?

[Will Arnett]

He answered us.

[Sean Hayes]

No, the Pope.

[Jason Bateman]

Francis.

[Will Arnett]

That was an incoming from him. I don't remember. But we knew. But it is true. It was a big deal. We wanted to have you, and we went out of our way to make sure that you were our three. And you're just a delight in everything you do. As you know, I'm a fan. Not only are you a great guy, I'm such a fan of what you do. I've always kind of looked up to you. You're so funny and great, gracious and cool.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thanks, you guys. Well, this is, this was the, this was. The reason why I came on is that you hadn't been on very long. But every one of these I heard, I thought that sounds like enormous fun to go on.

[Sean Hayes]

Fun.

[Stephen Colbert]

And I, I, I, I underplayed how fun it is to talk to you guys. I admire what you guys have built. You finally found what you should be doing.

[Will Arnett]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

And, and I'm happy for you. You know, just hold on to it tight.

[Will Arnett]

Hold on.

[Stephen Colbert]

Don't take it for granted.

[Will Arnett]

We're gripping. We're gripping. So tight. We are so tight.

[Stephen Colbert]

And the listeners feel like. All right, thanks, you guys.

[Jason Bateman]

Thank you. Thank you, man.

[Will Arnett]

Have a great.

[Jason Bateman]

Rest of you, have a good show.

[Will Arnett]

Thank you, pal.

[Stephen Colbert]

Bye.

[Jason Bateman]

Bye. Buddy boy. I tell you, it's the talk show hosts. They never fail. Always the best guests.

[Will Arnett]

God, he's funny. I haven't laughed that hard in so long.

[Sean Hayes]

I know. He is unbelievable.

[Jason Bateman]

And it went by in three seconds.

[Sean Hayes]

I know, I know. I could talk to him about Lord of the Rings for nine hours.

[Jason Bateman]

I know you could, Angel.

[Will Arnett]

I know.

[Jason Bateman]

Hey, will you, will you come over and show me one of those? Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes, please.

[Jason Bateman]

Okay.

[Sean Hayes]

I would love to do that now,

[Jason Bateman]

but, but, but, but, but if I'm gonna, like, see a Lord of the Rings film, a Harry Potter film, a Star Trek film or Star wars film, like, which would be like, the greatest.

[Will Arnett]

Star Trek, I don't think is in the same. You know, all due respect, I think

[Sean Hayes]

that Scotty's a different star. Yeah, it is, it is a huge Star Trek fan, but I'm not like,

[Jason Bateman]

which, which is, like, the best film. Right. I get they're all great movies, but, like, is there, like, a real cinematic, Like, Harry Potter's got some incredible production design.

[Will Arnett]

Of course, of course. But I think. I think that what you're looking for would be Lord of the Rings. Those movies are cinematically incredible.

[Sean Hayes]

It's like, they're like, they're like, you know, what's that big movie that Spielberg was inspired by? That super famous old, old, old movie that was sweeping and.

[Jason Bateman]

Lawrence Arabia.

[Sean Hayes]

Yeah, Lawrence of Arabia. It's kind of like that. It's like scope and hue.

[Stephen Colbert]

Gotcha.

[Sean Hayes]

Which it's really.

[Will Arnett]

I've heard that Sony's got an incredible 70 millimeter print of Lawrence of Arabia.

[Sean Hayes]

Oh, really?

[Will Arnett]

Yeah. And that we should bother them and go and ask Tom Rothman if we can go watch it.

[Sean Hayes]

I've never seen it.

[Will Arnett]

It's going to be amazing. It's supposed to be incredible.

[Jason Bateman]

Well, let's go.

[Will Arnett]

I know. And he's. Let's go today, guys. How insane that we've done 300 episodes. A lot of people say it feels like we've done 600. But to have Stephen on, really, just so special. And I want to say I love doing this with you guys so much. This is such a joy.

[Jason Bateman]

Back at you, buddy.

[Will Arnett]

Never a dull moment.

[Stephen Colbert]

Always.

[Sean Hayes]

So far.

[Jason Bateman]

It's never hard.

[Sean Hayes]

We're so lucky. And I'm just going to say that. I'm going to piggyback on that and just say, love you guys. I'm so lucky. We're like family and brothers and I just. I love you.

[Jason Bateman]

You love.

[Will Arnett]

I love both of you guys so much. So, so much. You're really important to me.

[Jason Bateman]

Thank you for the gift of your friendship and this partnership, truly.

[Sean Hayes]

Likewise. Well, with that, I think I've over.

[Will Arnett]

I will say this. I will say this. We found we've made a great connection in this life. He's feeling the three of us and. And you know, you've been out there. Connections like these are really, really, really hard to come.

[Stephen Colbert]

Bye.

[Jason Bateman]

Bye.

[Will Arnett]

300 smart.

[Sean Hayes]

Less.

[Will Arnett]

Smart less. Smartless is 100% organic and artisanally handcrafted by Bennett Barbaco, Michael Grant, Terry and Rob Armjarf.

[Stephen Colbert]

Smart Less. At Strayer University, we help students like you go from Will I? To why not? For over 130 years, we've been innovating higher education to make it more affordable, accessible and attainable so you can reach your goals. Go from thinking, can I?

[Jason Bateman]

To yes, I can.

[Stephen Colbert]

And keep striving. Visit Strayer. Edu to learn more. Strayer University is certified to operate in

[Jason Bateman]

Virginia by Chev and its many campuses,

[Stephen Colbert]

including at 2121 15th Street north in Arlington, Virginia.

[Jason Bateman]

Quick question. How old is your pillow. Not like I bought it last year. I mean emotionally. Like, has it been through multiple life phases with you? If your bedding has seen more seasons than your favorite show, it might be time for an upgrade. That's why Coop sleepgoods launched their bedding upgrade program. Take a quick sleep quiz, upload a photo of your setup, no judgment, and get matched to your perfect upgrade.

[Stephen Colbert]

Plus, you get 25% off site. Wide, it's basically a glow up.

[Jason Bateman]

But for your bed, Coop's pillows are adjustable, breathable, and designed to feel exactly how you want. So if your bedding's feeling a little vintage, this is your moment. Head to coopsleepgoods.com comedy to get your 25% off. That's copsleepgoods.com comedy.