Podcast
Smarty Pants Lance
Hosted by Lance Daniel · EN
Need a break from all the blah, blah, blah, about politics, sports, and religion? Smarty Pants Lance is for people who'd like well-crafted, observational humor. People who know laughter is the best medicine! In each fast, funny, fifteen minute episode, Lance, a long-time criminal and civil trial lawyer- hold your applause- shares his unique point of view inspired by all manner of everyday, and not so everyday, topics. Topics include, but are not limited to- who else but an attorney would use such a phrase- cat people versus dog people, college days, being an actor extra in a movie, commercial or TV show, personal styles, cheapskates, slobs versus neatniks, dating apps, things people say but don't mean, weekends, flakes, medical doctors, a-holes, airlines. looks, getting locked out, membership warehouse stores You're invited to take a quick break, and enjoy a laugh, as Smarty Pants Lance weaves stories and descriptions containing a happy mixture of quirky experiences, nostalgia, pop-culture, history, topical humor, sarcasm, satire, celebrity impressions, and character voices. New episodes Mondays and Thursdays at 8:00 am EST. WARNING: Listening to Smarty Pants Lance may result in a laugh riot and you might just learn something.
11episodes
Episodes
Newest firstAll episodes
Today's Music Sucks And So Did Disco Duck
Feb 4, 202300:14:05Tap to summarizeLance talks about today's pop and country music and why it sucks. He opines it's a filtering issue. There's just no filter on what flushes down the internet stream. There used to be record companies and radio and TV programmers standing guard. Though, all of them must have been asleep at the switch with Disco Duck, Muskrat Love, et al. Et al. is a legal term - Google it!If anyone, and he means anyone, can record at home, and dump their cough, cough, "craft" onto the net there's no one to say, Hell no. Not on my watch or with my ears. I.e. no filterEnjoy a not in stereo semi-rant. Maybe, Lance needs a filter, too.
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Sex Sells, Clickbait Yells.
Jan 27, 202300:17:00Tap to summarizeLance teases about clickbait, air-headed celebrity endorsements, how sex sells- well, duh- and why he keeps getting click bait on Meta- which he still calls Face Book- about a photo of side boob of some model he's never heard of nor cares about. Are jingles superior sales tools compared to celeb endorsements? Is Lance permanently programmed by soda jingles from his childhood? What about a celeb who just happened to wear an article of clothing or jewelry and suddenly fans are crazed to get it? Lance also uses words you just don't don't hear. But that's just who he is.Have you been baited? Click on the episode and feel your funny bone teased with another rip-roaring, celebrity endorsed, fun AF, episode. (I'm the alleged "celebrity).
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Lookin' For Work in All The Zoom Places.
Jan 20, 202300:14:47Tap to summarizeLance talks about employment interviews. He begins by telling us about work he did as a kid and for which he didn't apply. This work is known as, "chores." With marketing know-how, Lance suggests a new name for chores: "Blessings." "Hey, son, I've a few blessings for you to give the family. You may start by cleaning the toilet." Moving in to job interviews- often these days via Zoom- he describes the process, beginning with recruiters. You might think military recruiters are slithery sorts. That is, until you're under world-wide attack from headhunters who saw your resume or Curriculum Vitae- if you're being fancy- you innocently posted on a job site. From overseas recruiters with unpronounceable names- that sound like hacking an spitting- to phony friendly, commission seeking, self servers, he's encountered them all. And then, there are the interviewers. There's plenty to say about them. Enjoy the episode. It won't be a chore.
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Better Mousetrap
Jan 14, 202300:16:39Tap to summarizeLance builds a better mousetrap thinking that'll lead to great success. It's what he heard during his growin' up years. Did building a better mousetrap help him get ahead in a government job? Hah, no. What about when he built a better one for private employers? PFFFHAHAHA, norious.Where did Lance go wrong? Has he learned a lesson? What are the meanings of megalomaniacal and vainglorious and how do they apply to his episode?Take a listen to find out their meanings and much more.
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Somethin' Somethin Turned Nothin' Nothin'
Jan 6, 202300:15:55Tap to summarizeLance describes how his plans for not just a little, but a lot, of "somthin' somethin" turned into nothin' nothin over a four day weekend. There was always some darned excuse: too tired from the week, too bloated and gassy after that outrageously expensive dinner, drank too much, again, and the, "Let's just watch one more Hallmark movie and I'll be ready, which leads to watching yet another Hallmark Movie, and another, until coma. Lance learns the valuable lesson, real romance is free. If someone really wants you, you don't have to spend money or put on a costly production. True love and a little somethin' somethin' should be exactly like the ending of a Hallmark Movie. Right?
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Happy New Year 2023- You Didn't Vote for Trump Did You!?
Dec 30, 202200:15:29Tap to summarizeLance talks about New Years. He tells us NYE means different things depending on your age. One thing that wasn't different for decades was Dick Clark on the tele and watching "The Ball" drop." What if the ball suddenly dropped way too fast and smashed at the bottom into tiny crystal pieces? Now that would be a harbinger worse than voting for Trump! Speaking of which he tells his take on meeting a woman at an L.A. NYE party. First thing out her mouth would likely be, "You didn't vote for Trump, did you!?" He tells an inspirational story of true love which involved two strangers at NYW party in the 50's and lasted and lasted a la, "Some Enchanted Evening. He talks about his feelings for NYE 2019 and how 2020 was going to be the best ever, ever!There's more, of course, but you'll just have to take a listen. Warmest wishes to each of you for a happy, healthy, 2023 and for always!
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Christmas v. Hanukkah
Dec 24, 202200:14:34Tap to summarizeLance discusses Christmas versus Hanukkah. At Sunday school he was told he must learn to think for himself. Except, when it came to religion, which is, as everyone knows, from "on high," and cannot be questioned. He tells us about the history of Hanukkah, the eight (8) day, "Festival of Lights," and how the Jews were, on the ushe, being killed, there religion cancelled, and temples destroyed. Talk about cancel culture.He then reveals why, even though he was raised Jewish, he connects much better with Christmas. There are beautiful trees, stockings hung on mantels, tasty treats, more artful stained glass, and tuney songs. Whereas, Hanukkah he got seemingly jipped, present wise, while enduring songs which are mostly intonations of hacking and spiting. Plus the food and treats no as good, and no pretty trees with twinkeling lights.. Though, he feels sorry for the trees. What did a nice, healthy, tree, minding its own business, ever do to deserve a chopping?Lance ponders what happened to the farcical lamp/menorah. Where is it? Was it accidently sold at a Roman swap meet? Did Judah, "The Hammer" Maccabee forget to scratch his name on it and "If found, please return to "The Hammer?" There's more of course. I'll leave that to your listening pleasure. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and a happy Festivus for the rest of us!
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Christmas Is For Drinking, Sort Of
Dec 17, 202200:14:38Tap to summarizeWith nine days before Christmas, Lance starts thinking about Christmas adult beverages. This gets him thinking about adult beverages, in general. He's a nauseous, no on, "The Nog," and not a connoisseur of wines- reds taste like Dr. Pepper, grapes, and alcohol, while, whites only taste like just grapes and alcohol.He reflects on his college days, "Great Drinking Contest" and how he put into action a prank involving Tequila and Lavoris mouthwash.. He reveals, he does not have an addictive personality- except possibly for Whoppers- and what would happen should he engage in a malted milk ball eating contest with Oprah Winfrey. Here's an episode you can drink to. Yes, I ended a sentence with a preposition.
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The Cookie Monster
Dec 9, 202200:14:35Tap to summarizeLance talks about Uber-- Uber annoying people (person) he got stuck behind at a booth selling luxury cookies at a local street fair. He gets triggered by a woman holding others up at his favorite cookie stand by asking one stupid question after another. She wastes everybody's time and then she doesn't buy anything. Haven't we all all encountered these people from time to time?Serenity now-- and a cookie later!
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Strippers: Not Just a Stocking For Your Stuffer
Dec 2, 202200:15:01Tap to summarizeAnd a 5,6,7,8-- Strippers: Not just a stocking for your stuffer. No doubt, countless guys, and some gals, have fantasized about being with, or living with a stripper. Lance shares his experiences, living with, and dating strippers. That's right plural! And the high school trophy for studliness goes to SmartyPantsLance! Strippers, exotic dancers, or just plain "dancers"- no not the kind on Broadway- have a certain rep. But Lance tells us they're real people, too. Who knew! Lance asks who's smarter: the dancer or the customer. There is an obvious answer.From his gameplaying, "dancer" housemate to a college student trying to make life better for herself, Lance doesn't have to take a poll on the subject; He knows from experience. There's even a strategy for those who want to meet and date a dancer. Yeah, good luck with that.So sit back and relax. There's no cover charge or two drink minimum for this episode. Though, Lance would appreciate a generous tip in the form of your telling your friends to a listen.
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