#137 - These Sketches Are Absolutely MENTAL (that's British for crazy)

Summary

Smosh Mouth #137 – These Sketches Are Absolutely MENTAL (that's British for crazy)

Date: March 30, 2026
Hosts: Shayne Topp, Amanda Lehan-Canto
Guests: Chance, Arasha

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Episode Overview

This episode dives headfirst into the wild world of comedy writing as the hosts and their guests read aloud rejected (and sometimes beloved) sketch scripts they've created over the years. With animated cold reads, brutal honesty, and plenty of self-deprecating laughter, the crew explores what makes a sketch work, hilarious failures, and the creative process behind jokes that are "absolutely mental."

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Intro, Vibes & Cast

• [01:07] The episode kicks off with Shayne, Amanda, and guests Chance and Arasha clowning on each other and joking about being in a “temporary studio, hundreds of feet below the earth’s crust” ([01:44]).
• They riff on minecarts in pop culture, from Club Penguin to Indiana Jones, setting a silly, pop-culture-laden tone.

2. Generational Language & ‘Chud’ Culture

• [04:05–06:46] Discussion ensues on Gen Z slang, notably the terms “chopped,” “Jenkins,” and “chud.” The group debates their meanings, with Arasha clarifying usage as a (somewhat annoyed) Gen Z representative.
  • Arasha: “You for some reason have gotten a pass... It’s like when your teacher says, everybody else do not say it.” ([07:43])
• The team reflects on millennial cringe, appreciating both the follies and victories of their generation ([08:15]).

3. Sketch Writing Origins & Vulnerable First Reads

• [13:20] They introduce the central bit: reading their genuinely rejected or cringey sketch ideas aloud for the first time (some dating back to college or SNL packet submissions).
• Amanda notes: “We are calling this rejected sketches, but as we’ve come to find out, some went hard... but they might end up being chopped.” ([07:28])

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Read-Alouds: Rejected Sketches & Raw Comedy

Chance’s “Four” – The Mysterious Professor

• [13:17–21:03]
• Premise: A college professor walks into class, writes “4” on the board, and leaves. The students spiral into wildly off-base theories.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • Amanda (as student): “Maybe he had to go to the bathroom with all his stuff.” ([16:58])
  • Chance: “So there wasn’t like a single joke, really. I mean, there was... It’s just kind of a dilemma.” ([19:29])
• Discussion on how it reads more as a sitcom cold open than a punchline sketch.
• Everyone appreciates the “Catfish Cabin” non sequitur and the earnest depiction of college theater culture.

Shayne’s “Rock and Roll Marathon” – Cartoon Crossover Race

• [27:42–32:24]
• Premise: Marathon announcers cover a race featuring a literal Roadrunner, Wile E. Coyote, Laurie Strode, Michael Myers, and Indiana Jones.
• Notable Moments:
  • Amanda: “I love that they’re drunk because it makes me think that they’re so fucked up.” ([31:24])
  • The oblivious commentary as horror icons chase each other: “Yeah. Oh, that’s the type of sportsmanship you’d like to see.” ([29:54])
  • “This is why they call it the rock and roll marathon, Joanne.” ([30:20])

Arasha’s “Chicken” – Drive-Thru Psychodrama

• [33:05–36:24]
• Premise: A woman’s first drive-thru visit devolves into a surreal spat over combos, two chicken fingers, and employees who live at Wendy’s.
• Memorable Lines:
  • Supervisor: “You gotta stop forcing women to hog down your combos. What the is wrong with you?” ([35:05])
  • Amanda notes: “I like that they lived there.” ([39:28])
• Arasha reveals the inspiration: “I actually used to work at Raising Cane’s... This is truly what you say in the drive thru—chicken, chicken, chicken, which combo you pickin’?” ([37:10])

Amanda’s “Reward” – Grocery Store Battle

• [41:49–50:41]
• Premise: Sprouts employees Lori and Richard clash over the existential fate of rewards points, escalating from petty bickering to physical comedy brawl.
• Highlights:
  • Amanda: “What is the PLU number? Oh, wait. Ugh. I know it. God.” ([43:57])
  • The argument explodes into insult-trading and a fight involving a headbutt and paper bag face-slashing.
  • Manager’s anticlimactic ruling: “The reward points expire, but we roll your points over, Richard, because you never use them, and we don’t want to take that perk away from you.” ([48:54])
• Amanda describes the real inspiration—a tense but hilarious interaction witnessed at a grocery store ([52:14]).
• Discussion touches on sketch structure versus character depth.

Chance’s “Understudy” – Improv Gone Wild in ‘Chicago’

• [57:03–64:59]
• Premise: An unhinged understudy highjacks a production of “Chicago,” improvising, breaking into her one-woman show, and misunderstanding “pediatrician.”
• Notable Quotes:
  • “Can I get a suggestion of a profession?” – Understudy, in middle of a scripted number ([59:58])
  • “She didn’t just ask for a suggestion during a scripted performance.” – Charles ([60:01])
  • “My feet are just fine. I haven’t even needed to go to the pediatrician in years.” – Understudy ([60:59])
• Panel agrees: “Super Tim Robinson coded.”

Arasha’s “Lloyd” – Werewolf Game Meltdown

• [65:04–71:18]
• Premise: During a group game of Werewolf, Lloyd’s denial, misdirection, and emotional spiral create chaos.
• “That is the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Why would I kill Mike? He’s right over there.” ([67:20])
• Panel notes the Tim Robinson influence and the comedic genius of latching onto pointless beefs.

Shayne’s “Shane, Handsome” – Space Odyssey Donut Run

• [72:07–76:31]
• Premise: Shayne brings donuts to the podcast, promptly trips, and is sent flying through the cosmos on a skateboard—only to land on an alien world and share donuts, causing alien heads to explode.
  • “He flies past the moon... passes Mars, the asteroid belt, Jupiter, Neptune, Uranus, and even Pluto, which as he glides past, can see is in fact a planet. It says it on the surface... I don’t make the rules.” ([73:25])
  • Alien: “Oh, sick. Boston Cream.” [Head explodes] ([76:14])
• The group wants to see this animated.

---

Podcasting & Comedy Process Insights

• The crew repeatedly analyzes what works or doesn’t in a sketch (e.g., character-driven vs. game-driven).
• They reflect on the nature of group sketch writing, SNL rejections, and the emotional risk of reading rough drafts in public.
  • “In college... you’re reading rough sketches. More often than. It was so interesting.” – Chance ([21:23])
• Amanda on writing long, character-driven sketches: “This was my biggest issue with writing sketches—I would go so hard, deep onto characters... I struggle to...” ([53:10])
• They recognize trends and tropes in improv and sketch (e.g., “improv face,” the guy in a plaid shirt with eyebrows up, mouth tight).

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On generational language:

  • “Chud sounds like chode to me.” – Chance ([06:40])
  • “People have started to misuse low key a lot.” – Shayne ([04:55])

• On creative vulnerability:

  • “So this is vulnerable because I was trying to make it fun.” – Chance ([13:54])

• Meta moments:

  • “What happened? I have a question about Shane Handsome carrying several boxes of donuts.” ([77:03])
  • “You love delving into anyone's story. Like, it's hard for you to let any small character just go.” – Shayne, to Amanda ([53:04])

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:07] – Episode kicks off: Who’s at the mics, underground studio bit.
• [04:05] – Gen Z slang & generational cringe discourse.
• [13:17] – Introduction to "Rejected Sketches" read-aloud.
• [13:17–21:03] – Chance's “Four” sketch performance & notes.
• [27:42–32:24] – Shayne’s “Rock and Roll Marathon.”
• [33:05–36:24] – Arasha’s “Chicken” (drive-thru) sketch.
• [41:49–50:41] – Amanda’s “Reward” (Sprouts) sketch.
• [57:03–64:59] – Chance’s “Understudy” (Chicago musical) sketch.
• [65:04–71:18] – Arasha’s “Lloyd” (Werewolf game) sketch.
• [72:07–76:31] – Shayne’s “Shane, Handsome” (intergalactic donuts) rapidfire sketch.

---

Closing Thoughts

The episode is a joyous mess of inside jokes, sketch comedy nerdery, and real vulnerability about bombing and learning in comedy. The cast promises to revisit this format soon, with unfinished “Shitter” and “Dino Date” sketches teased as “absolutely mental” bits to come ([77:55]).

Panel affection:
Amanda: “Lori’s got a whole world.” ([78:10])
Chance & Arasha: “Have us back.” ([78:03])

Perfect capstone to the episode:
An alien, after biting into a donut: “Oh, sick. Boston Cream.” [Head explodes] ([76:16])

---

For Sketch Comedy Fans

If you want to hear creative collaboration, cringey college scripts, and four sketch-writers roasting each other and themselves with palpable warmth, this is a manic, delightful listen—equal parts failed bit and friendship celebration.

Transcript

[A]

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[D]

Hey, guys.

[B]

Welcome to Smosh Mouth.

[D]

I'm Shane.

[A]

And I am Amanda Lehancanto.

[B]

Whoa. The full. Full thing.

[A]

Hey.

[D]

Whoa.

[E]

The full.

[A]

And we have two very special guests with us today. Chance and Arasha.

[E]

Hello.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

We got four people today.

[E]

I feel like we swapped the way we would usually say hello.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

But mine was, like, not off p. Pitch. Oh.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And we're starting off like that.

[E]

Catching straight.

[A]

God, he burned you so hard.

[E]

Okay, that's.

[A]

He's in one of those moods. Did you not like that? I said burned you so hard.

[D]

Burned you so hard.

[E]

You burned me.

[B]

We are still in our temporary studio, hundreds of feet below the earth's crust.

[A]

Yes. We had to go through a tunnel maze to get here.

[E]

A tunnel?

[B]

Well, those little mine carts.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[E]

And they.

[A]

They made me kind of sick.

[E]

Wait, what is the. What is the Minecart from Minecarts? No. You know that game where you were

[B]

like, is that Club Penguin Mario party? You have some of them.

[D]

Harry Potter.

[B]

You do like Minecarts.

[E]

There's one in Club Penguin, though, too, right?

[B]

I think maybe I never played Club Penguin. Donkey Kong's got some Minecarts in it.

[D]

The Hobbit, I think has.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, the Hobbit.

[D]

Is that true?

[B]

And then Indiana. Indiana Jones.

[D]

Don't the dwarves, like, get in a fucking minecart?

[A]

Harry Potter.

[D]

That's so up some thumbs up. What?

[E]

There's lots of Minecarts.

[B]

Dwarves do other things than mine.

[A]

Either way, you guys got it.

[D]

Their main thing. That is like, the main thing. They live in the mountain. They mine the mountain.

[E]

Either way, we got in one here.

[A]

That is. What's the show that came out about the dwarves? I watched trolls. What am I talking about? Oh, my God. The Lord of the Rings show that

[D]

came out Brings a power. Brings a power.

[A]

Brings a power.

[B]

Yeah. It's got dwarves in there.

[A]

I know, but they don't.

[B]

And they are in mines in there.

[A]

They don't have minecarts.

[E]

I don't think I've ever seen that show.

[B]

Oh, that's okay.

[A]

I like Rooms of Power. A little slow.

[D]

Yeah, but the Lord of the Rings, Like, I don't.

[B]

I haven't read Lord of the Rings, so I don't know. I. People. What? We talked about this last week, but people who read the books and then a show or movie comes out about a book and people are always mad. But I've heard Rings of Power is like, very loosely based.

[D]

It's pre.

[B]

It's pre Lord of the. It's the making of the.

[A]

It's the making of the Rings.

[B]

Silmarillion.

[D]

Yes. Marillion. Or whatever. Anyway.

[E]

This is going to be crazy. Is this. This is the same thing as. As Percy, right?

[D]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[E]

All right.

[A]

Sick.

[E]

Hey, never mind.

[D]

Get his name out of your mouth.

[A]

Listen.

[E]

And that's why I didn't go with the full name. I knew I was.

[B]

Two separate, beloved franchises. They are. They're.

[A]

They're very, very different.

[B]

One is Greek myth and one is.

[A]

James is wearing a Lord of the Rings shirt right now. You shall not pass the famous scene.

[E]

James is literally always.

[B]

You've not watched Lord of the Rings?

[D]

No.

[A]

He wears different narrations. This is gonna be the craziest episode you guys have ever seen. We're already on each other when we're reading Reject.

[E]

We're burning each other.

[D]

I heard someone like a teenager in line the other day go, I mean,

[B]

what were you in line for a ride?

[A]

He hates you right now.

[D]

I heard the teenager goes, he's chopped. Jenkins. He's low key. Chud. What?

[A]

Did you ask him what that means?

[E]

No.

[B]

Okay, we know he's saying he's ugly.

[E]

I don't know what chopped is like. Like old.

[D]

Like.

[E]

Like, you're out.

[B]

I thought Chop was ugly.

[D]

Because it's unk.

[B]

If you're uncle, you're old.

[E]

Oh, right.

[B]

Yeah. Chopped is ugly.

[D]

Jenkins. I have no idea.

[E]

Jenkins comes from Unc.

[D]

So it's like Uncle Jenkins, Uncle Jenkins, Loki, Chud. What the hell is Chud?

[B]

Judd's just kind of like, yeah, you're a loser.

[A]

Guys, put in the comments what chud means.

[B]

It's not sounding. I will say it's not sounding low key.

[D]

People are.

[B]

People have started to misuse low key a lot.

[D]

That sounds very. The opposite of like a comet could

[B]

hit Earth and people be like, this is low key bad. It's like, no, it's high, not low key bad. Pretty bad. People like Loki started off in a good place where it's like, oh, yeah, it's like, oh, we're not all picking up how this is being.

[D]

It's kind of like literally now.

[A]

Yeah, literally.

[D]

I'm literally gonna leave.

[A]

I'm low key gonna leave.

[B]

Some phrases are. Some, some of the ones do people still use cinema. Oh, cinema. Yeah, that's, that's, that's from Martin Scorsese. My favorite is aura. I think aura farming is awesome. That's such a perfect phrase for situations.

[D]

I don't think I've heard that.

[B]

You know when someone's like vibing, like, say you're at a party and someone's in the corner just looking really cool, like maybe they have a cigarette.

[D]

You know, like how I am when you see me, like in social situations.

[A]

Yeah, definitely.

[B]

Just like usually when you not confused.

[A]

There's actually not a lot of people chatting with you though.

[D]

Yeah, they're intimidated. I'm sucking up.

[E]

All because he's going to burn people.

[B]

If you're not actually doing something, but you're looking really cool. It's aura farming. Cuz you're just like, oh, you're just there. Just like you're gaining like points.

[E]

I thought you were like searching for the auras.

[B]

No, like you think actively farming.

[A]

No, he's farming his. I'm saying that chance is like farming his auras. Which makes me think, do you do that on purpose so people comment on it?

[D]

No, it's. If you're aura farming on purpose, I've

[E]

been like, then, then that's not a good aura.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, we're only a few minutes into this episode and some of the comments are going to rip us to shreds.

[A]

Oh yeah. My favorite millennial.

[B]

And I'm trying to, I'm trying to show respect. I'm saying, hey, some of these phrases I think are.

[D]

That's what killer means.

[A]

Chud doesn't feel like a good chud.

[B]

It's an, an self explanatory. Chud is just like, yeah, you're a chud.

[E]

You're a chud.

[D]

Chud sounds like chode to me.

[E]

I think that's where it derives from, that's its origins.

[A]

Cool. So CHUD is ch.

[E]

Chop Jenkins. Chud.

[A]

Got it.

[E]

Chop Jenkins.

[B]

So today, Arasha, you are Gen Z. So, like, there's no excuse if you.

[E]

No, that's why I know all. That's why I'm correcting you.

[A]

I don't think you're Gen Z. Babe.

[D]

If I was born in 2001, that doesn't make me Gen Z. I think you need to pull out a textbook.

[A]

Were you born in 2001?

[D]

So today we're doing rejected sketches.

[E]

We need to pull out a textbook.

[D]

What year were you born? Chance out a textbook. 2001. Pull out.

[B]

Amanda, don't even question it.

[A]

I will forever question it.

[D]

I'm basically Cole's age.

[A]

Okay, let's heard.

[D]

Let's. We're going to school together. Yeah.

[B]

So today we're reading. We wrote a bunch of sketches.

[D]

Or we.

[B]

We pulled sketches from our past.

[A]

Okay. We are calling this rejected sketches, but as we've come to find out, some

[E]

went hard, hopefully, but they might end up being chopped. Yeah.

[A]

There could be some CHUD sketches in here. We're not totally sure.

[E]

No, I actually see, I.

[B]

You, for some reason, have gotten a pass. When you started saying six, seven, everyone was like, it's okay if she says

[D]

it, because it's like. It's like when your teacher says, everybody

[B]

else are like, do not say it.

[A]

No, it's like, Amanda, stop it now.

[B]

I didn't see those comments. People were like, no, this is funny.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

We were also several months behind.

[A]

I was saying it in such, like a. I know. This is dumb, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Also, I was away. Yeah, I was away doing that thing.

[B]

It's fine. Look, I birth. I think we're about to see it come up. I think millennial stock was down for a while. Really bad.

[A]

Yeah, it's coming.

[B]

I think. I think millennial futures are looking pretty good.

[D]

I've seen a lot of millennial appreciation coming back.

[A]

Really?

[D]

They were like, you guys legalized gay marriage. You got out of a housing crisis. Also, to be clear, you elected Obama twice.

[B]

To be clear, our cringy phase is just not as well documented. Our. Yeah, we had some bad. Sure. We don't get to pass and be like, you guys are awful.

[D]

Yeah, we weren't.

[A]

But we're good people.

[D]

Definitely.

[B]

I think there's a good mix of everything. Right.

[D]

I think a lot of millennials have been like, oh, I was up, and now I can see that I'm not.

[B]

I think it's the whole cringe I think it's the cringe thing. It's just like, yeah, we did wear wide brim hats and dance around fireplaces going, oh, like, a lot.

[D]

And, like, fake glasses and.

[B]

Yeah, there was a time.

[D]

Oh, those were bad fake glasses. I had some.

[B]

Can I be honest? We can. We can make fun of CHUD and all that stuff. There was a time where I was at Disneyland.

[D]

No, no.

[B]

And we were. We. We got off California screaming, and we're looking at the, like, photos of, like, when you're on the roller coaster and a kid in. A guy my age at the time in front of me, their photo comes up, and he goes, oh, nice, yolo. And I remember being like, that doesn't make sense. Oh, not a happy Hilda phrase at the time. But I was like, no, you can't.

[D]

No.

[B]

Look at a photo of yourself on a roller coaster you just rode and go.

[D]

You only live once.

[B]

That doesn't work.

[E]

That's.

[B]

It's supposed to be before you go on the roller coaster.

[E]

You know. You know what?

[B]

I'm scared. I'm scared to go on the roller coaster.

[A]

Yo.

[B]

Yolo.

[E]

Sure.

[B]

But he did it wrong.

[A]

How Was he Millennial?

[B]

Yeah, we were. This is. This is 2000 some. This is many.

[D]

This is many. A year ago.

[A]

He could have been some. He. He could have.

[B]

This is not still in YOLO's heyday. Like, the Drake song had not been out that long.

[A]

Right. So do I still get a massage at a place called yolo? I do.

[B]

Should we read these rejected sketches? All right, so YOLO massages you.

[A]

Yes, because I only live once, and I need to get a massage once in a while. Okay.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

And I offered. I said, mom, I want to get you massage when you're here. And she's like, great. I'm like, you're gonna go to yolo. And she's like, great. She's like, you could have warned me they were gonna beat the.

[B]

And then you come.

[D]

You.

[B]

You go back, they're like, oh, they're. They're closed for renovations. And it's now changed to Chud Jenkins Chopped Massage.

[A]

Smosh Mouth is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. You chose to hit play on this podcast today. Smart choice.

[B]

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[A]

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[A]

Let's go.

[E]

All right, all right.

[B]

Enough of our dumbass millennial humor.

[A]

So who wants to go first with their rejected sketches?

[D]

Me.

[E]

Oh, me.

[B]

Okay, the what is the four Seasons, baby?

[D]

Yeah, speaking of four seasons, this sketch is called Four I went Back through my sketch packets. And this one was one that I wrote in college.

[E]

Oh, yeah, this has been scammed.

[B]

Oh, this is.

[D]

And it's rough. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, I'm sure it's great.

[D]

I don't think I laughed a single time when I read it.

[A]

I'm dead.

[B]

So this is vulnerable.

[D]

So this is vulnerable because I was trying to make it fun. Yeah.

[E]

And actually incredibly bold and brave of you to also volunteer to go first with it.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Yeah. Because the other ones are, like, so funny that, like, you're gonna be, like, peeing your pants and shit. But, like, this one, like, that's so wild.

[B]

Yeah, for sure. I'm going to. So you were. Okay.

[E]

Okay.

[D]

So this one, I'm trying to make it funny.

[B]

And this is, like, how. How long had you been getting into comedy at this stage?

[D]

I think I was a sophomore in college.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

So, I mean, I started. I started improv in, like, middle school, but, like. Like the womb and sketch writing in, like, let's say, five years.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Too long to be dishing out this.

[B]

You're young.

[A]

Like, you're in college. We're reading it as Chance is trying to be funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So who's Cass?

[B]

Got a few characters.

[D]

So there's Danny, Maudie. Gabby. You be Maudie.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

You be Gabby. You be Danny.

[B]

Got it.

[D]

And then I'll be random student number one.

[E]

Oh, humble.

[D]

And I'll be gay student number two. And you be just, like, fill it in. There's a lot of random students.

[A]

Okay, you're gonna do sage.

[E]

There's gay number four and gay student number two.

[B]

Lot of.

[D]

So, yeah, I don't think. I think one of my bits is that I will skip people. I'll be like, okay, so there's gay number two. Skip game number three. There's a gay number four. Gay number three doesn't have any speaking lines.

[A]

Oh, I love it. So the casting is even a bit.

[E]

So this is made production.

[B]

I love that. Do you want.

[E]

Do you want stagies read? Do you want to read those?

[A]

Okay, so we can play any gay student.

[D]

You specifically can only play random.

[E]

Don't get that excited.

[D]

Shane and Rasha can play any gay student.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[D]

Great.

[A]

I'll play random studio student, which doesn't feel similar to me. Let's start.

[D]

Let's go. Okay, this is four interior lecture day hall. Dozens of nervous students anxiously sit with laptops, notebooks, and writing utensils at the ready. Danny, sitting in the front, leans over to Marty and Gabby.

[B]

Wasn't this class supposed to start 15 minutes ago.

[A]

Yeah, but I'm not leaving. The wait list for this class was insane.

[E]

Apparently, everyone who passes this class goes on to be insanely successful. The professor is a genius.

[B]

Whoa, really? But isn't this just Intro to Business?

[A]

It is.

[D]

And the door opens up and everyone sucks in a breath as the room stills. The professor walks into the room holding a briefcase. He sets his briefcase on the desk and he removes his coat and hat, delicately places them on the chair. He opens the briefcase and takes out a singular piece of chalk. He walks up to the dry erase board, holds up his chalk and writes, 4. He stares at it for a moment. He nods, and without making eye contact with anyone in the room, he places the chalk back in the briefcase, dons his coat and hat and walks out of the room. Beat. Beat. Someone coughs.

[B]

Is that it?

[A]

He just walked in and wrote four?

[B]

Yeah, he just walked in, wrote four, then walked out.

[A]

Beat.

[E]

This must be a test.

[B]

How is this a test? It's just one number.

[E]

I don't know. That's for us to figure out.

[A]

Maybe he'll come back.

[B]

He took his stuff with him. So?

[D]

I don't.

[B]

I don't think he's coming back.

[A]

Maybe he had to go to the

[B]

bathroom with all his stuff.

[E]

What could four mean?

[B]

What do you mean what it could mean? It's the number four. It is what it is. 1, 2, 3, 4.

[E]

Yeah, but maybe we need to look deeper.

[A]

There are four years of college.

[D]

Okay, and maybe four is the time he's coming back.

[B]

Wouldn't he have written 4 o'? Clock?

[E]

No, no, we need to look deeper.

[D]

You guys, there are four cardinal directions. Maybe we need to find him.

[A]

Okay, there's not enough direction to possibly even start to find him.

[E]

We could split up.

[B]

And go where? What about for the Beyonce album? I'm gay.

[E]

That is her best one. I'm gay.

[B]

It is absolutely not. How dare you.

[E]

Deeper.

[A]

You guys, there are four Gospels.

[B]

He looked Jewish.

[E]

Damn.

[D]

What if it's not a four, but an upside down H?

[A]

How would that make any more sense?

[E]

H as in Harvard.

[D]

H as in Howie Mandel.

[A]

H as in head on down to the catfish cabin where we fry him up real good.

[B]

No way.

[D]

I told you it was a joke from high school.

[B]

You guys, it's not an H. Stop

[E]

riffing on H. Four Rifle Horsemen of the Apocalypse. That's 4.

[D]

And H. Oh my God. 4H.

[A]

Maybe there is a 4. H exhibition nearby. Quick, Google.

[B]

Hey, Siri, find 4H competitions near me.

[A]

What if it doesn't Mean anything.

[E]

It has to mean something.

[D]

I found eight results for forehead wrinkle reductions.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

No, Siri, not forehead. Fore H. Forehead.

[D]

Put your head on the four.

[E]

That's the key. It's gotta be.

[D]

She runs up full force in the head, but the whiteboard hard. She falls back and hits the ground.

[B]

He wouldn't.

[A]

End of sketch.

[B]

How is it? I cannot believe Catfish Cabin came.

[E]

I know.

[D]

That was crazy. I literally didn't even read that part.

[A]

How does it end?

[E]

How does it end? There, there.

[A]

What does it mean?

[E]

No. And there's no period after. He wouldn't either. It's just. He wouldn't. And chance to stop typing.

[A]

Oh, wait, I. I have my character. What does it mean?

[B]

I have a pitch for how this. This could end.

[D]

Okay, let's hear it.

[B]

Because if that. If that ends, she hits the head board and then Danny's like, He. What the hell? And then all of a sudden, one of the students takes off a mask and it's the professor. And he's like, it only took you

[D]

figured

[E]

to put your head together.

[D]

So there wasn't like a single joke, really. I mean, there was.

[B]

It's just kind of a dilemma.

[E]

It's just crazy.

[D]

It wasn't anything.

[B]

It's a mystery.

[E]

I think there's also so much humor that we could only tell by looking at the script. Because I love that there were all these random students and then at some point we just have random woman with.

[A]

She walked by the classroom and just jumped in.

[E]

You gave her the Catfish Cabin line.

[D]

I forgot the Catfish Cabin was in this. I didn't read it so good closely.

[E]

That's crazy.

[B]

Yeah. I don't. I think as a sketch there needs to be more jokes, but I think this reads almost like a scene in a sitcom, like a sitcom about college students where they're like, yeah, this. This class is so hard to get into. And then the teacher comes in, writes four and leaves. That's really funny.

[D]

That's such a good point.

[B]

This feels like the setup of like, whoa, we're at college. What's it gonna be like?

[A]

Yeah, you're a sitcom writer.

[B]

Because it also that I think it's pointing about how some professors are like, oh, they're the professor. They're so smart. And they're like, so they're half assing.

[D]

Yeah, totally.

[E]

No, the setup is very strong. Like, immediately I felt like I was visualizing it. I could see this professor coming down the stairs with his briefcase. I knew what he looked like. Like, we have something here.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

The gay students.

[B]

I like that you specified like gay

[D]

students because they're arguing about Beyonce.

[B]

I don't know.

[D]

I was also.

[B]

If you're arg about.

[D]

I think I was also straight at the start.

[B]

At the.

[D]

So I'm like arguing about Beyonce. Me, the one arguing about Beyonce.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

All right, I enjoyed this.

[A]

What was the title of it?

[D]

Four.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, right. It's right here. Yeah. Great job.

[E]

Great job.

[B]

That was not rough.

[D]

The Siri joke.

[A]

I liked it.

[E]

No, it wasn't bad.

[D]

No, it was bad.

[E]

The Siri joke was cute.

[D]

Did you ever read this out loud?

[B]

Back in the day?

[D]

I think I did with my sketch group, ODB in college.

[A]

Odb.

[B]

Old Dirty Bastard.

[D]

But it was out the box was what it stood for.

[E]

But that's cute.

[B]

In college or like any like, early on sketch group, you're reading rough sketches.

[D]

Oh, yeah. Like more often than it was so interesting because. So there were two main sketch groups at Northwestern. One group was set up by Second City alum. So it was like really legit. Like the. The writer process, the audition process.

[B]

It was super legit.

[E]

Wow.

[D]

It was awesome. And it was like super. Like, if you got in this group, you couldn't be in. It counted as like the school curriculum show. So you couldn't be in an outside school curriculum show because you have rehearsals Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Thursday, 6 to 10.

[A]

So much. You didn't have a social life at all.

[D]

I still did, but.

[B]

Oh yeah, you got. After that.

[D]

No. Then rehearsals for acapella or improv were 10. I'm getting my schedule weeks up. Six to 10 and 10 to 12 were improv and acapella rehearsals.

[E]

And then you had 8am the next morning for class.

[D]

I did 9am Spanish class. Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and then Tuesdays. I usually did an 11 o' clock class.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Think about our schedules back in the day.

[E]

Going hard and we think we're busy now.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

And then it was like full pack day. And then afterwards, rehearsals, extracurriculars. Eating dinner, doing homework.

[B]

Yeah. Late eating dinner was like top ramen and an oreo.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In college. 100%.

[D]

That's crazy. And the other group, this group that I wrote it for, was like the black group. It was like the diverse group. And so it was less set up and less funded. And it was. Honestly, I thought it was way funnier than the other group. Like it was. We the shit people weren't like designed to think a certain way. So the sketches they would write were just so out there and different. And fun and not like contrived, basically.

[B]

I bet you had like an actual POV on thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Okay, pause. Do you guys remember this movie? You guys are like, what is that? I'm like, it's a dvd. Grow up. Okay, so I wrote a musical about this movie based on this movie and it comes out April 5th and 6th at Dynasty Typewriter. You can live stream it anywhere in the World April 6 at Dynasty TV or watch it live in person at Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles. The City of Angels. The City of Love. Ooh, Hitch the Musical coming to you

[B]

before we move on, thinking of improv troops and sketch groups. I saw an ad for like a sketch show the other day, which you see all the time in la and I realized like, improv face is such a real thing of like, there's every single show of like, oh, here's this. This improv or this sketch show. There's a white guy doing this.

[E]

Stop.

[B]

Why? Every time I'm like, they know. It's like, that's the one. You will see it every time.

[A]

I know.

[D]

They're an awesome.

[B]

They're in a plaid.

[A]

Smoshmouth is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. You chose to hit play on this podcast today. Smart choice.

[B]

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[E]

Oh, that's not just improv, literally.

[A]

That's Boston improv.

[B]

It's all improv. Why?

[E]

Yeah, improv.

[B]

Problem with it? I'm just kind of fascinated of, like, why.

[D]

What.

[B]

What is the correlation there? Why does that happen every time? It's eyebrows up, mouth tight, just like.

[A]

I don't.

[E]

That's not exclusive to improv. That guy's. That guy's literally everywhere.

[B]

I guess that's also just a white guy. That's also just a white guy face.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, but it's very specific with.

[D]

Yeah, that's exactly how improv groups on the East Coast.

[B]

So my sketches, I wrote. I wrote these. Stream of conscious. I did not reread them.

[E]

Oh, you want to go next?

[B]

I'm down to go.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

He's going to do it.

[E]

Yeah, I. I could, but no, I think you've got your sketches in hand. Let's do you.

[B]

Okay. I wrote two, and they are probably bad.

[E]

Great.

[B]

I don't. I don't remember.

[D]

Okay, this is three.

[A]

Let's read this one first and then we'll go to a Rasha.

[E]

No, Bad.

[A]

This is a stream of conscious conscience.

[D]

Conscious.

[E]

Oh, good. Take one. Pass it down.

[B]

So there's two characters in this. Mark and Joanne.

[A]

Great names.

[B]

Amanda, why don't you be Joanne? And Chance, you can be Mark.

[D]

Great.

[E]

And always the understudy.

[B]

Do you want to read. Do you want to read stage?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Stages.

[B]

And I'll just hang out and be a viewer.

[E]

Sage is actually, so I would love to.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

Yeah, that's great.

[B]

If there's spelling errors, just read them as is.

[D]

Great.

[B]

Do not fix them.

[A]

Good.

[E]

No. Good.

[B]

Do not fix them. And yeah, they're. They are. I'll give you a little bit of a. This is a rock and roll marathon.

[D]

That's really hard for me because I'm like, really solution oriented.

[B]

So, like, too bad. And these are both the announcers for the end of the marathon race.

[A]

Heard.

[B]

And they're talking about the. The finalists as they're running.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

Very upbeat.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Having a great time. Love it. All right, go ahead.

[E]

Exterior. Marathon. Finish line. Day. We hear Mark and Joanne announcing the winners of the Phoenix Rock and Roll Marathon.

[D]

It's a bright, sunny day here in Phoenix as the first finishers of the Rock and Roll Marathon are just about to round the corner.

[A]

These runners have been training day after day for months leading up to this point. Oh, and I See our first one?

[E]

Now we see a roadrunner zipping down the road.

[D]

Oh, that actually appears to be a roadrunner, one of the native birds here in Arizona. Gorgeous creatures.

[A]

Well, I guess it won't count, but I'm sure impressed by the speed he's taking. Gold in my eyes.

[D]

Same here, Joanna. Oh, and we have another runner coming around the corner. Oh, never mind. It's just a coyote. Another one of the beautiful animals native to this desert climate.

[A]

And it appears the coyote has a rocket strapped to its back, propelling it forward at an immensely fast pace.

[D]

Not a quite. Not quite enough to catch up to the roadrunner, unfortunately, just out of reach.

[A]

Oh, and it looks like the coyote's rocket has malfunctioned, launching him off the road and right into a large boulder.

[D]

And it looks like the impact has turned him into some sort of accordion.

[A]

How? Isn't nature wonderful?

[D]

It sure is, Joanne. And here comes our first official human runner. First place is theirs for the taking.

[A]

She's moving at an incredible pace. Number 31, Laurie Strode, ladies and gentlemen. She appears to be limping, but she's not giving up.

[D]

Now you can see the adrenaline pushing her harder than ever.

[A]

Oh, and our next runner isn't far behind, despite moving at a very slow, almost walking pace.

[D]

I'm getting word that the runner's name is Michael Myers. And despite foregoing running for walking, instead is somehow miraculously closing in on Lori for first place.

[A]

Yeah, Lori appears to be desperately screaming for help, but this is a competition, and you must finish it on your own.

[D]

And Lori finishes. Congratulations on first place.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, but she's not done yet. It looks like Lori is continuing to run past the line and into the crowd.

[D]

And Michael Myers has finished in second place and is also continuing on, probably in hopes of congratulating Lori on the win.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, that's the type of sportsmanship you'd like to see.

[D]

Next up around the corner, opting for a very unusual outfit for such a hot day. Dressed in khaki pants and a leather jacket, it's Indiana Jones.

[A]

He appears to be holding some form of idol.

[D]

Well, if he continues at this pace, he'll be getting another treasure, and that being the bronze medal, of course.

[A]

Oh. But right behind him, it's a giant boulder rolling at an incredible speed.

[D]

This is why they call it the rock and roll marathon, Joanne.

[A]

I always thought it was because of the COVID bands placed throughout the race.

[D]

What? No. Why would you think that?

[A]

Yeah, I don't. I don't know.

[D]

Are you drunk?

[E]

Yeah. And?

[D]

Same. And Seen and seen.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[E]

Love.

[D]

This is so. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I loved it. Wait.

[D]

It's a great premise.

[A]

I know Michael Myers to, like, go after her for longer, and I. I just wanted them to not just be like, wow, what good sportsmanship that is.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, keeping up. He's like, she's now going down, like, different roads and they somehow still have cameras on her even though she's now. Yeah, she's running into the gas station. She barricaded herself into the gas station.

[E]

Yes. I agree. Because the. The part that made me laugh was, you know, like, them assuming that this is all endearing, like, oh, he's probably wanting to congratulate her on the win.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I love that they're drunk because it makes me think that they're so fucked. Up.

[E]

Up.

[D]

Yeah. They don't even see it.

[A]

It's only runners and they're not seeing them.

[B]

They're not.

[E]

They're not even at a race. They're just watching this happen in front of them.

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[E]

They're like, turn this off.

[B]

That's a funny separate sketch of two announcers who accidentally took shrooms beforehand or acid. And they're like a. Next upcoming is. You're not going to believe we're coming around the corner. It's some sort of turtle.

[D]

It's Indiana morphing.

[B]

It's moving on a scooter.

[E]

That's amazing.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

This could definitely go into lots of different places. You got something good here.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I was just laughing at the imagery of Michael Myers just walking and chasing. He is. And she's, like, winning the race.

[E]

Yeah. And no one's helping.

[A]

The sportsmanship is so incredible. And now he's giving her a hug with a.

[B]

With a knife.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

With his hands.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Her neck.

[A]

Her neck.

[E]

Oh, he's giving her cpr. What a nice hug.

[B]

And that's the bond that you see with runners. You know, it's a different thing.

[A]

Oh, and he's letting her lay there because she's tired.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She wants to rest.

[B]

Make sure to give her a banana.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Love.

[A]

Love this. What was the title?

[B]

Marathon Rock and Roll Marathon.

[D]

Rock and Roll Marathon.

[A]

Marathon Rock and Roll Marathon.

[D]

Oh, my God. Epic. Yeah.

[B]

The Phoenix Rock and Roll Marathon is cool.

[A]

I do want to cut to the rock and roll bands.

[D]

Just one of the bands.

[B]

Just like.

[A]

Like, keep going, Keep going.

[B]

My problem is I would stop.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

If I'm running and Creed was performing, I'd be like, I got to stop.

[A]

Yeah. Thank you for sharing that, Shane.

[B]

You're Welcome. The next one's even worse.

[A]

Oh, I can't wait.

[E]

And speaking of worse, let's get into this sketch.

[A]

Let's see how it goes.

[B]

Well, well, well.

[E]

Okay, this is.

[B]

And you wrote this stupid.

[E]

Yeah, I wrote this recently. This is called Chicken.

[B]

Good.

[E]

And that's just what it's going to be. I will be woman.

[A]

Great.

[D]

I read the first line in a baby laugh.

[E]

Yeah. So. And then, you know. That's great, Shane. I'll have you do drive through then. That'd be great.

[A]

Love that.

[E]

And then, Chance, I'm gonna have you be supervisor. They come in later. And then, Amanda, you're gonna be stage direction. So everybody's got a part here.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. The drive thru is crazy because that's the name of the sketch.

[A]

That's my character. That's crazy.

[E]

It is crazy.

[D]

Okay, titular role.

[A]

Okay, we ready? Exterior, a drive through.

[E]

Here we go. My first drive through ever.

[A]

She pulls up to a Wendy's Drive Thru.

[B]

Chicken, chicken, chicken. Which combo you picking?

[E]

I can't.

[D]

What?

[E]

I can't finish a whole combo.

[B]

You don't have to get a combo.

[E]

Look, kid, I can only eat two chicken fingers, max. I'm setting a boundary.

[B]

That's totally fine, all right? Can I just please take your order?

[E]

That's not fair.

[B]

What? What's not fair?

[E]

Why do you get to take my order if I'm paying, I should keep it no matter how few chicken fingers I can eat.

[B]

Okay, you keep misunderstanding me. I'm just trying to get your order.

[D]

Your food.

[B]

Get you your food.

[E]

You need to stop yelling at me, sir.

[B]

You're the only one who's yelling, ma'. Am.

[E]

How dare you call me ma'. Am. This is a casual drive thru interaction. I'm doing great, all right?

[B]

I'm getting my supervisor.

[E]

Super.

[D]

What's the problem here?

[E]

This guy's forcing me to get a combo.

[B]

That's not true.

[E]

He said, get a combo or I'm gonna kill your kids.

[D]

James, that's incredibly inappropriate. Why would you say that?

[E]

Why would you say that, James?

[B]

Why?

[D]

James?

[B]

I. I did not say that. I didn't say anything about your kids. I didn't even know you had kids.

[E]

Oh, why, yes, I do.

[A]

She pulls out photos of her children.

[E]

This is Kyle and Pile. They're six and seven. Can you see?

[D]

The drive through camera is pretty grainy, but they sound precious just from their names.

[B]

Yeah, Pile's a great name for a kid.

[E]

Oh, shut up, James.

[D]

Yeah, James, you gotta stop forcing women to hog down your combos. What the is wrong with you?

[B]

I was just reading the script that we use for customers in the drive thru. Chicken, chicken, chicken. Which combo you pickin?

[E]

I can't.

[D]

I knew you were a piece of shit. I just didn't know that you were this big of a piece of shit. You're a surprising amount of piece of shit. You're not even a piece anymore, James. You're a pile pile. That's it. You're fired. But mom. That's enough, James. Go upstairs to your room.

[B]

I hate that we live at Wendy's.

[D]

Please pull up to the second window, dear.

[A]

Woman pulls up as we hear supervisor slap James and reveal a Wendy's. But the interior is a house with a couch, TV and stairs leading up to the bedrooms. We hear a headset being taken off as James stomps up to his room at the Wendy's.

[D]

Then we are so sorry to hear about that. Here you go, two chicken fingers.

[E]

Thank you for actually being kind and listening. You have a wonderful home.

[D]

Well, thank you so much for coming to Wendy's. You drive safe.

[E]

Thank you. And you drive through.

[A]

Woman drives off.

[B]

Holy. Wow.

[D]

Incredible.

[B]

I love switch ups like that. Yeah.

[E]

Oh, thanks.

[A]

And you drive.

[D]

Supervisor was a woman.

[B]

Was a woman.

[D]

And that's the riddle. And that's the riddle.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

And I think your character work. Yeah. 100. Okay. Inspiration.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

What the hell happened?

[E]

Okay, so as you may know, I actually used to work at a Raising canes.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I did not know that.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

You've talked about this, Laura. On Smoshmouth. I thought.

[E]

I believe so. Maybe didn't we go through like our jobs at some point? Maybe not. Selina's not remembering it, so maybe not.

[B]

But I know you've told me this story and it's. You've got some tales from.

[E]

Yes, I do.

[A]

And those we.

[D]

But do you have siblings?

[E]

Sorry.

[A]

He said, but do you have some

[D]

wings or do you have fingers?

[A]

He.

[E]

Okay, I like that. I like that.

[B]

So working at raising canes.

[E]

Working at raising canes is the inspiration. I of course made this a Wendy's. But at raising cane's. This is truly what you say in the drive through when customers come through is you've technically a sheet and you can choose from sayings. And I chose the coolest one, which was. Hey, what's kicking? Want some chicken? That's the coolest one of the bunch, you guys.

[B]

That's pretty cool.

[E]

Yeah, it's cool. You can be casual.

[B]

The other one was what's up, fucker?

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

No, literally, other ones were like no, literally was like cluck. Like, how do you want to spend your buck? Buck, buck. Like, oh, crazy cringy.

[B]

I would, I would drive out of this.

[A]

You drive.

[B]

No, I don't want raising cake anymore.

[E]

But the second most utilized one was chicken, Chicken, chicken. Which combo you pick in. So I would you say it really

[B]

fast to like get it over with.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

So when you were working the drive through, you know, you have the headsets and everybody and it's like the system is like, you can sort of like press the button and then you hear them and your mic is active, like the pop star mic. But then if you press the button, it's not active anymore. So at a certain point everyone would get like, you know, once you got casual with the drive through, you'd just be like laughing with your buzz. And then you'd be like, chicken, chicken, chicken. Which combo you picking? Yeah, no, that's crazy. That's crazy. Yeah. Okay. Diet Coke. And it was just like, what, what the, like, vibes were like. Once you like learned. And I had only worked there for three months, I really didn't last long. But the drive thru was the most stressful part of my job. It was awful. It's actually terrible because you're doing that, you're, you're, you know, bantering with your coworkers, you're putting stuff in, you're also filling up the drinks, you're also taking another customer's payment and you're all. And you have to just be chill the whole time.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Really bad and really scary. So I decided to write it out.

[B]

And the people are insane. Like the people rolling through. You're going to deal with someone who's awful every day.

[E]

Yeah, I mean, you know, I will say I didn't. I don't remember that many rude people. I remember actually like laughing a lot because what would happen so often was people would roll up to the second window, they'd pay and then they'd drive off and then they come get their food.

[B]

They forget their food, like, I forgot my chicken.

[E]

And then they just come back around and they'd be like, sorry about that.

[B]

That's impossible for me.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Because when I'm at a drive through, I'm usually so hungry.

[E]

Right.

[D]

I'm like, I'm so hungry right now. Honestly.

[A]

Wendy says, I like that they lived there.

[B]

Did you guys make the sauce in house? The raising cane?

[A]

We did.

[B]

Dude, the cane sauce is so good.

[E]

I want to say I signed. I didn't actually sign, but I signed some sort of like don't tell.

[A]

Don't tell. The secret sauce.

[E]

Whatever. It was like ketchup.

[B]

It's truly ketchup stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Mayo, probably.

[B]

It's not a complicated sauce. It's just delicious. I love it.

[A]

This is getting really hungry.

[D]

I prefer Zaxby's, though.

[B]

Whoa.

[D]

I've heard people talk about so many more sauce. Are you kidding me? I'm a sauce.

[B]

I heard people talking about raising canes online the other day, and I was like, look, I can't defend it because the chicken itself has no flavor, no seasoning. The Texas toast is crazy.

[E]

Let's talk about that Texas.

[D]

And you know what? They got Zach, too, and they got it on the chicken sandwich.

[E]

Same.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I know. Take you.

[D]

We need to get wings and things combo.

[E]

No wings and things.

[A]

Where is it?

[B]

I am obsessed with. Obsessed with fried chicken.

[D]

It's in the South a lot. A lot around the South.

[E]

Okay. Never gone to Zack.

[B]

The next time I'm rolling through the south ever. If we do shows there.

[A]

Are you rolling through the South?

[B]

I'll roll through the South. No, the food. Okay.

[D]

Nashville. Oh, my gosh.

[A]

Go to Nashville.

[B]

No, the food is just so.

[D]

Did you say no?

[B]

Good. No. Yeah, yeah.

[D]

No.

[B]

Yeah. No.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

No, we're going.

[D]

Let's go. No. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my God. Ah. Now I want fried chicken.

[D]

Okay. I want biscuit and gravy. Everybody like a pickle.

[B]

I do want the Texas toast.

[A]

We're going to read mine next.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Sorry.

[E]

The fries at Cane's, though, mid.

[B]

I will say, like, I get the argument that Cane's. Overall what they're offering, but I love it.

[E]

Yeah, I'm fine with it.

[D]

And I'm sorry. I'm still gonna go on Zaxby's. They're similar fries to Cane's, but they're seasoned.

[B]

They're like.

[D]

They got this special fries.

[B]

Crinkle cut. Needs to be seasoned a little bit.

[D]

100%. And it can hold it, too. It's got the creases to hold.

[B]

You know what's funny? I've. I said. I talked about this a while ago about pastas, and I'm like, how are pastas really that different based on their shape? But I. I'm hypocritical for saying that because fries. Fries are so different based on their shape.

[A]

It's how they hold the sauce.

[D]

Don't get me started on spuds. But it takes me started, though, like,

[B]

how different you cut a fry. It's a completely different game.

[E]

It sure is. It sure is.

[D]

All right.

[E]

Okay, so this one's got your name.

[A]

Okay. Fry. Okay, guys, so this I wrote yesterday. It's way too long. It's so.

[B]

Amanda. This is a book.

[A]

I don't care.

[E]

Okay?

[B]

We better not read any Velvet Wrapped Steel.

[A]

This is inspired by something that really happened. But of course it's a sketch, so it went to a fun place.

[E]

So you heightened it.

[A]

So I'm dying to read the main characters, but I'm not going to. I'm going to read stage and manager.

[D]

You can read whatever you want.

[A]

Cuz I like all the characters so much.

[E]

You can be the main character if you. If it. If it has to be read a certain way, you know, but if you feel like one of us will pick up on it, then that's okay.

[D]

Just do it.

[A]

Okay, I'm gonna. Jesus, I'm such a child.

[E]

You got it.

[A]

I'm gonna play. Lori, you're gonna play Richard. Shane, I want you to play. I want you to play manager. Arasha, can you play woman? And I'm gonna read. I'm so sorry. That's not.

[E]

No, it's okay.

[A]

I'm gonna read. It's fine. This is me being literal. This is me being a psycho. No, I love this too into it. And I'm going to read stage as well. Stage is like also just part of it.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Reward by Emmanuel.

[E]

You're proud of this one? I love this.

[A]

Christ, I don't even know. I don't know if I am proud of this one, but I had a really good time writing it.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Interior sprouts, which is a grocery store. Interior sprouts. Day 2 Grocery store employees Richard and Lori are in the middle of scanning a woman's groceries. Richard scans a plastic bag full of nuts and looks up at the woman.

[D]

Did you get the barcode for these nuts?

[E]

Oh, shoot, I didn't.

[D]

Well, then I can't scan it.

[A]

Lori stops unfolding a paper bag. Let me see the nuts, Richard. Richard hands her the bag of nuts.

[D]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, these are the raw pine nuts. Yeah. I think the number for these nuts is. Oh, the number is. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know this. What is the PLU number? Oh, wait.

[D]

Ugh.

[A]

I know it. I know it. God. What is the number? Oh, man. Richard stands there, eyes dead, staring at Lori. Because this happens all the time with the pine nuts. People don't get the barcode, which is totally fine because it's usually hidden, but man, it's on the tip of my tongue.

[E]

What is it? I can go run and check real quick. If you need.

[D]

No, it's fine, ma'. Am. I'll just look it up. Lori, I'm looking it up.

[A]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's. Oh, it's five. Wait. Oh, okay. It's five, five, one, six, four, seven, eight, one, zero. Got it. Richard blinks twice, slowly, then turns to register and types in the code. Lori is very proud of herself. Knew I had it. Richard finishes scanning all of the woman's groceries.

[D]

Did you want to use your reward points? The system is showing you based on your account that you have 10 reward points which could equal $2 off your haul today.

[E]

Oh, I think I'll just keep stacking the rewards up.

[A]

Lori stops bagging immediately. Ma', am, you know those reward points expire, so if you don't use them, then it's just. They'll be gone. It's. It's crazy that customers don't know that.

[E]

Oh yeah, I. I had no idea.

[D]

That's not true, Sprouts. Reward points don't ever expire.

[A]

Lori is taken aback.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yes, they do.

[D]

No, they don't, Lori. I've had mine since October and they rolled over into the next year.

[B]

What?

[A]

No, no. I had like 100 reward points last year and I didn't want to lose them, so I had to use them on stakes for my dad's retirement party. But I would have saved them and used them for this big month because I'm having a big birthday.

[D]

Lori, they don't expire. I have 4, 545 points that I haven't touched. So when I finally use them, I'm basically going to get all my groceries for free, plus my employee discount. So I'll be walking out here with a free haul.

[A]

No.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

That's impossible.

[D]

I was told you were misinformed. Lori, all employees know that rewards don't expire.

[A]

Yes, they do expire. Don't waste the rewards. Richard beat of Laurie staring intensely at the side of Richard's face. He's doesn't take his eyes off the woman.

[E]

Okay, yeah, you know what? I'll use my reward points. Why not? I don't come here that often and having $2 off is a deal.

[A]

That's the right decision. Lori finishes bagging her groceries. Richard aggressively plugs in numbers into the register.

[D]

You're wasting your reward.

[A]

The woman awkwardly laughs. Richard takes her credit card and prints out her receipt. Richard, she wants to use her reward because she doesn't want to lose her points and miss out.

[D]

Well, I guess that decision has been made with false information.

[A]

No, it's true information.

[D]

It's false.

[A]

True, false, true.

[D]

False.

[E]

Liar.

[B]

Bitch.

[D]

Be

[E]

okay. Thanks.

[A]

Woman grabs her grocery bags and politely walks out while Richard and Laurie stare at each other intensely.

[D]

So, bitch, your birthday's coming up.

[A]

Yep. And come to think of it, I don't need my reward points to enjoy the day because you can't really bring anything with you when you are riding huge, beautiful horses through a flower farm.

[D]

Oh, I know all about your birthday plans because everyone who was invited at work can't shut up about it.

[A]

Oh, uh huh.

[D]

Yeah. And come to think of it, I didn't know they allowed mean bitches to ride horses.

[A]

Oh, oh, and I didn't know they allowed ugly monsters to scan groceries.

[D]

Oh, yeah? Well, I didn't know that they allowed annoying hookers to even be anywhere near a calming, gorgeous animal like a horse.

[A]

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, Well, I didn't know that they allowed the saddest, nastiest man in the room to even have the privilege of speaking to me. That's why I didn't invite you, because you're so goddamn sad. Richard stiffens his whole body and headbutts Lori.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Lori pulls back in shock with blood pouring down her face. She grabs a paper bag and slashes Richard's face.

[D]

Oh my God.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

They don't hold back. Laurie has Richard up in the air above her while Richard kicks and kicks his feet. They soon are tumbling on the checkout conveyor belt, pulling each other's hair and screaming. Eventually, and I mean eventually, the manager comes over.

[B]

Guys, guys, guys, guys, stop. Stop it. Stop it.

[A]

He kind of tries to pull them off each other, but it's almost like he doesn't have the will or the strength.

[B]

You guys can't do this, okay? There are customers, there are people watching. Okay, stop. Stop.

[A]

They finally stop and collect themselves. Laurie wipes blood from her nose and Richard takes off his mangled glasses and places them in his pocket.

[D]

What is this all about?

[A]

Do the reward points expire or do

[D]

they roll over and you can bank them? So one grocery ship, you get basically get the entire haul for free, including your employees discount.

[B]

The reward points expire, but we roll your points over Richard, because you never use them and we don't want you to take away that. We don't want to take that perk away from you.

[A]

Richard is stunned. Lori is victorious.

[D]

Oh. So the structure of the reward points was specific to me?

[B]

Yeah, pretty much. And Amy, because she lost her card months ago and it's easier that this way when they than to tell her the truth.

[A]

We see Amy walking by with a handful of milkshake, smiling.

[D]

Oh, that's thoughtful. Thanks.

[B]

So use them up, Richard. And guys, please don't do that again. This job is hard enough.

[A]

Yes, sir.

[B]

Oh, also, Lori, I can't come to your birthday. I get motion sickness on horses. But thanks for coming over to my home and personally inviting me at my front door during dinner with my wife and kids. That was a lot of fun.

[A]

Manager walks away. Richard turns to Laurie.

[D]

I guess you win.

[A]

Yeah, I do win. Thanks for recognizing that. Laurie goes to walk away. Hey, Richard.

[D]

It's okay. I don't feel comfortable being that high up on a horse I barely know anyways.

[A]

Oh, I wasn't gonna invite you to my birthday party. I just wanted to say all the boar's head meats are on sale. If you wanted to use your reward points there, you could get a lot.

[D]

Thanks. I do love pepper turkey.

[A]

Nice. Lori walks away. Cut to interior manager's office. Same day. We see him on his computer typing in Google. Top rated white sand beaches in the tropics with those cool huts that are on the jetty in those sandals commercials. Pina colada type hotel, affordable, clean. We then see his face and he's smiling, relieved.

[B]

One day I'll get my reward.

[A]

Blackout.

[D]

What? Okay, so they fight.

[E]

This is incredible.

[B]

You wrote a one act. You wrote a pilot.

[A]

Okay, I was having weight. I wanted it to go further. Yeah, I was gonna have a whole other ending.

[E]

No, this is great.

[D]

Okay, so I love Lori.

[E]

Yes, this is.

[B]

Lori takes her job very seriously.

[E]

If, if you actually wanted to just shorten it and make it a sketch though. The nuts was hilarious at the beginning and showed us exactly who she was. I would say you could get start with the reward. You could get straight into the. Oh, and did you want to use your rewards? Yeah, but the nuts is awesome because

[A]

it shows us that.

[D]

I thought that was going to be the whole sketch.

[B]

They're just going to be waiting. I thought that was it.

[A]

And I knew it was always going to be about the reward points. But I was having so much fun writing the nut bit.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And while we were reading it, I was like, okay, the nut bits too. That was me just indulging way too hard in myself.

[E]

You could like stupidly come back to it and he could like call her nuts and she can be like, don't joke about my nuts.

[B]

You know, it does establish her character though.

[A]

That's the only reason why I wrote It.

[B]

Yeah. Like I said, this begins. Like, this is the beginning of a pilot more than a sketch.

[A]

Yeah, that's so. Okay. So I did actually go grocery shopping, and there was two people. There was a man, a really tall, long man with, like, a lanyard, and like, a shorter woman who was just, like, really into it. And they had a. A little bit of a bitter argument about reward points. She was like. She was like, do you want to use your reward points? And I was like, no, I don't really have enough. And she's like, it's crazy that you don't know that these could expire.

[B]

I love.

[A]

That's as far as it.

[B]

Love checking out at a grocery store where they're bantering between each other. It happens a lot, but usually happens is they're talking shit.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, they're talking shit about someone else. Like, something will happen. They'll be like. Like, can you fucking believe this shit?

[E]

Yes.

[D]

Can you believe what?

[B]

Like. Like, it's like, yeah, like, whatever. Like, I'm doing. I'm doing this. I'm doing my thing.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

And they're bothering me, and I'm sitting there just like, yeah, yeah.

[A]

They're kind of artists in their own. But this guy literally was. He. It was like he was a ghost. He was just like, no, they don't expire. And she was like, yeah, they do.

[E]

I love it.

[A]

And it was just like a back and forth. And I was like, okay, what if they just. But then. But then once I brought in the manager, I was like, I want to see his whole story.

[E]

Oh, no. That was a great. That was an awesome.

[A]

But I just love a manager.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Slowly walks up to people beating the shit out of each other. He's like, stop.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Hey, cut it out.

[B]

You love delving into anyone's story. Like, it's hard for you to let any small character just go.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

This was my biggest issue with writing sketches is I would go so hard, deep onto characters, and they're like, oh, well, you. You brought up that thing, and I wanted to go there. I struggle to.

[B]

Like, I feel like the next time you do this, you should just keep going and go till you hit 60 pages and then just, well, send it to an agent. Yeah.

[A]

That's funny.

[D]

Don't even read like I've written. Yeah.

[E]

I feel like I have that similar problem sometimes with sketches where, like, for me, it's funny that you brought up, like, writing things like kind of like a sitcom sometimes, because I feel like I do that too, where I put so many different games. And I just end up stacking all these different stories, these different plot lines, and all of these different things are different jokes. And it ends up just being very difficult to keep track because you're like. Similarly, you're like, wait, where are the nuts? What happened to this and what happened to that? And it's. It's really hard to keep it so cohesive. So I definitely relate to that.

[D]

That's so interesting. Mine's like the. I think I have the opposite problem. Like when I'm writing a sketch, everyone is in service to the sketch. Not. It's not true enough to each character.

[B]

Like.

[D]

And then I have to go through, like. Especially when I'm writing like pilots or things, I have to go through and differentiate the characters voices because they all start to sound the same because they're all serving the same.

[E]

I think.

[B]

Is that. Is that just from like someone who's. You like to write game. And then you're. Amanda. You're such a character person.

[D]

Yeah. Like, you both can do both, but

[B]

it's just like where you're like brain.

[A]

I go off on because like an alternate ending. My first initial gut. And then I was like, I can't. I. This is gonna go way too long. But I wanted the manager to secretly be with Lori the whole time. That's like, he's writing to like the head of Sprouts.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Being like, make sure that you keep expiring Lori's point.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

And then you find that he has like, he's like this evil villain guy. And then I was like, I can't go further. Yep. So. So I actually the. The. The game of it all. I. I more. I don't like often think of it when I'm writing sketch. I feel the same way work that I gotta figure out.

[E]

I feel the same way. You gotta, like, find it once you're. Once you're actually in it, it's like, what's working? What is making me laugh in this?

[A]

But I was laughing. Smosh Mouth is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. You chose to hit play on this podcast today. Smart choice.

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[A]

I was laughing a lot when I was writing it.

[D]

I believe it.

[A]

Yeah. I was just like, I don't know if they don't like it. I had a good time writing it.

[B]

Hell, yeah, I loved it.

[A]

Yay.

[D]

Awesome.

[E]

Yay, Chance. You want to go next or should I go? Okay.

[D]

Okay. I'll give you two options. These were both rejected. These are both from my SNL writers packet, and they were both rejected by snl.

[A]

Yay.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

So these are some that you feel proud of, though.

[D]

These are some that I feel proud of. They're. One is like a. One is called Understudy, and it's about, like. It's like one quirky girl in a stage show that's like, she's out of place. The other one is called Bachelor Dino Date. It's like Bachelor, and they're talking about Dinos.

[A]

I know which one Arash wants. I know which one I want.

[E]

I. I don't know. You pick. It's your show.

[A]

No, no, no.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

No. You guys are the guests. You decide.

[E]

Understudy.

[D]

Let's do.

[A]

That's what I was gonna choose.

[D]

Oh, my God. Yay. I was just about to choose it too. If you didn't choose it, I just

[E]

feel like I said that word earlier, so it feels like I heard it. And that's why I was like, yes, I'm aura farming. Okay.

[D]

No, I personally love this sketch. My old manager who actually repped someone who was on snl, he hated this one. So I was like, okay, whatever.

[E]

Well, you're gonna love it.

[D]

He really didn't like it.

[E]

We're gonna give you a yes. Okay.

[D]

You're definitely being understudy.

[A]

Great. And her name is Rachel.

[D]

No, no, no. Her name is understudy. Understudy. Yeah.

[A]

No, of course.

[E]

Don't mix that up.

[D]

You be Rachel.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

You be Charles.

[B]

Great.

[D]

And then I'll be everyone else.

[A]

Great.

[D]

If there's anyone else.

[E]

And you do stage.

[D]

Yes. And I'll do stage. Okay, here we go. This is understudy Interior theater. A production of the musical Chicago is underway. The orchestra is playing the opening of the cell block Tango. Dun dun dun dun dun. The director frantically runs up to the tech booth and talks to Charles, the lights and sound guy.

[E]

Charles, one of the actresses just had a really bad yogurt incident backstage. So we are sending in the understudy for Cell Block Tango.

[B]

Oh, Jesus. Is she okay? Also yogurt incident.

[E]

Chobani.

[B]

Say no more. Understudy is going in.

[D]

Got it.

[E]

Here they come.

[D]

The six ladies come out one at a time. Lady one comes out. She's a sexy. She's professional. Pop. Lady two comes out. Equally gorge, equally professional. Six. The understudy comes out and she's wearing a fake beard. She comes out like a person doing a bit walk squish. The ladies continue their intros, muted.

[B]

Is she wearing a fake beard?

[E]

Yes. Yes, she is. Mother of. She's a comedian. Do you still have the resumes?

[B]

I'm the lighting guy. Of course I do.

[D]

Charles hands her a resume.

[E]

It's worse than I thought. She's not just a comedian. She's a girl who won class clown in high school and based her entire adult identity on that one. Superlative.

[B]

Well, I mean, it's just one solo. She can't it up that bad.

[D]

Cut to the stage. She's hamming it up.

[A]

Now I'm standing in the kitchen. I'm carving up the chicken for dinner, minding my own business.

[B]

So far, so good.

[A]

And in storms my husband Wilbur in a jealous rage. Can I get a suggestion of a profession?

[B]

She didn't just ask for a suggestion during a scripted performance.

[E]

Unfortunately, she did. It says here on her resume she took almost three full improv classes. She didn't finish the third because she self proclaimed herself homophobic.

[B]

She can't just keep going. What about the orchestra?

[E]

They are vamping until the queue line. She can go as long as she wants. We are at her mercy.

[A]

Anything at all. Like fireman or therapist or butthole inspector.

[D]

Awkward beat. The audience doesn't know what to do.

[E]

Yell out milkman. The Actual line is milkman.

[B]

Milkman.

[A]

No, no, no. That's cheating, Charles. Come on. Any profession. Okay, you can say butthole. Inspector.

[D]

Pediatrician.

[A]

Pediatrician.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Thank you. You've been screwing the pediatrician. My husband said he was crazy and he kept on screaming, you've been screwing the pediatrician. And then I told him, that's not true. My feet are just fine. I haven't even needed to go to the pediatrician in years.

[D]

What?

[E]

Jesus Christ. I don't think she knows what a pediatrician is.

[B]

No way.

[A]

I've always had really great feet. That's why I assumed my husband was jealous of the alleged feet doctor I was sleeping with.

[B]

Let me pull the lights, please. For the love of sweet little baby God, let me pull the lights.

[E]

Contracts, Charles. Besides, she's only got one line left.

[D]

The two dots.

[E]

Besides, she's only got one life line left, technically. And it's the queue line. Come on, you LOL's ass, bitch. Say it. Say your goddamn line.

[A]

And then he ran into my knife.

[D]

The orchestra stops vamping.

[A]

Yes, he ran into my knife 10 times. And then you know what happened next?

[D]

And the orchestra comes back in.

[A]

No, wait, hold up. I'm not done.

[D]

Orchestra stops again.

[A]

You know what happened next, boy? He ran into my knife 10 more times. I said, bitch, you gonna talk to me like that? I don't think so, Hunty.

[E]

Oh, no. She's run out of ideas. So now she's improvising in a black accent and terms she hears her gay friends.

[A]

Oh, God, I hate you might have said, and I carved his ass up. It felt so good. I was like licking the damn knife, girl. And it was just like when I licked that knife in Paris. Lights up on a Parisian kitchen.

[B]

What? What's she doing?

[E]

She had a one woman show at the Fringe. I think she's trying to slip that into the show.

[D]

Oh my God. The other actresses on stage begin to sit down and get a little more comfy.

[A]

Oi. Oy, monsieur. How lovely it is to be here in the city of lights. Paris. I'm in Paris. And yes, Paris here with my baguette.

[D]

Understudy holds up one of the police batons that was on stage. Rachel looks at the resume.

[B]

Prop comic.

[D]

Rachel holds up the resume and it says prop comic in big letters.

[B]

Yep, she's doing everything. She's doing literally the most. And for what?

[D]

One of the other actresses pulls out her phone and begins to text. On stage, Understudy proceeds to mime eating the baton.

[E]

And now the other actresses are giving up Yummy, yummy.

[A]

Me likey dis baguette.

[B]

Rachel, what's. What's happening now?

[E]

I. I don't know. Her resume doesn't cover this one.

[D]

I. Rachel's phone begins to ring. Ring, ring, ring.

[E]

Oh, my God. The big time Broadway lawyers are calling me.

[D]

She answers her flip phone.

[E]

Hello? Yes, I know, but. But the contracts. Okay, I understand. Thank you. Goodbye.

[B]

What did they say?

[E]

They love her performance. They said, quote, it slaps. It's gonna be added to every production of Chicago from here on out.

[B]

God help us.

[A]

Boy,

[B]

my life said, brah, brah. I love how at the start of this, you were like, amanda, you have to be.

[D]

There's no world.

[E]

This is why. You know what it is? Chance is. This is hilarious. And I think upon just. Just reading it and not getting the vibrant performances that you got today, I think that is maybe what was the Gap.

[D]

Yeah, but it's.

[E]

But it's very funny. So super silly concept.

[A]

I stabbed him 10.

[D]

My knife said I carved his ass.

[B]

That is so good.

[A]

I love it. So she did the clowning that she.

[D]

The one woman show lights up in Paris.

[A]

Paris. And they're like, no, don't. Don't verbalize the set that you are going, yeah, this is not a one woman show.

[E]

But it was perfect setup. Knew exactly what was happening.

[A]

I love it so much.

[B]

Wow.

[D]

It's me in Paris.

[A]

It's like, oh, God, she didn't even get that.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[D]

I don't think she knows what a pediatrician is.

[A]

His feet.

[D]

I haven't been to a pediatrician in years.

[E]

That was awesome. I loved it.

[D]

So fun.

[E]

Okay, so the other two that I have is Shitter.

[A]

Huh?

[E]

And Lloyd.

[B]

Let's read Shitter.

[A]

Okay, Shitter.

[E]

Well, actually, I already made the decision. We're gonna do Lloyd.

[B]

Oh, why did you give us the illusion of choice?

[E]

I just said that I had to.

[A]

I wanted Lloyd personally.

[E]

Thank you.

[B]

All right, fine. We'll read Lloyd.

[E]

We're doing Lloyd. Shitter. You're gonna have to have me back on your show. All right, so there you go.

[A]

I think you need a part two.

[B]

And then after this, could I read mine really fast?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

Okay, so then we'll go.

[B]

Mine's mostly stage direction.

[E]

Okay, so let's see. Shane, I'm gonna have you be Trenton and Mike.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

Double book. I'm gonna be Lloyd.

[A]

Yes.

[E]

Amanda. You're Lisa.

[A]

Lisa.

[D]

And I'm Heather.

[E]

You're Heather? Yes, sir. Okay.

[A]

I knew it.

[E]

Here we go.

[D]

So Heather, you're so Heather.

[E]

You know what? And I'm actually chance. I'm also gonna give you stage directions.

[D]

Interior, apartment. Game night. In the middle of the game, werewolf.

[B]

Okay, werewolf, close your eyes. If you have the queen card, you're the fortune teller. Wake up and point to someone whose role you wish to uncover.

[D]

Lisa wakes up, points to Lloyd, and Trenton informs them that Lloyd is the werewolf.

[B]

Okay, fortune teller, go to sleep now. Everyone wake up. So last night someone was killed by the werewolf. It was Mike.

[E]

Oh no. This is so scary, you guys. I'm so sad. I'm surprised and I'm sad.

[D]

Lloyd is freaking out. Everyone is staring at Lloyd.

[B]

So you will now discuss who you all suspect is the werewolf.

[E]

I. I mean, shit, you guys, I mean, what do we think?

[D]

They all exchange awkward glances.

[A]

I'm really sorry to reveal this so soon, but I am the fortune teller. And I did find out that Lloyd is the werewolf.

[E]

Oh, classic pick on the new guy, am I right? So classic chica. Okay, any other leads? No bad answers.

[D]

That feels pretty clear. It sound like it's you, Lloyd.

[E]

That is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. Why would I kill Mike? He's right over there. If he was dead, he wouldn't be there, okay? Use your head. Plus, if Mike's gonna die, it's gonna be because of his alcohol problem.

[A]

Okay, well, do you have anything to contribute?

[E]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. I do. Okay, so crazy news. I'm the fortune teller. And last night when you were sleeping, I saw Lisa killing Heather as the werewolf.

[B]

Mike was the one who was killed.

[E]

What?

[C]

No.

[E]

Fuck, this sucks. I love Mike. I loved Mike. No, no, no, no, no, no Mike.

[A]

Okay, so you're claiming to be the

[E]

fortune teller and you're claiming that you've had zero work done.

[B]

Whoa, Lloyd.

[E]

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[B]

He's literally howling like a werewolf and you're dead.

[E]

Mike, you can't say shit, okay? That's not how werewolf works. You ever been to a game night? Or do you just invite people to yours and tell them to show up at the wrong time?

[B]

What is that?

[E]

It means that you texted me this morning and said, hey Lloyd, I'm having a little game night at my place tonight. Just a few friends if you want to come over. It's tonight around 8, so. So you say around 8 and I show up at 8:30 and everybody's already here, so I look like the big bad wolf. Cuz around 8 is evidently 8pm and not a moment later beat.

[A]

Lloyd, we're not upset with you for being Late.

[B]

And we're sorry we started a game before you got here and made you feel like you were late.

[E]

I just hate being rude.

[D]

We hate that too.

[B]

Oh, Heather, it just felt like you were getting a little aggressive while we were playing.

[E]

Oh, shut your fucking trap, Trenton. Don't you have enough on your mind with your affair?

[B]

Okay, Lloyd, I'm sorry. I have to ask you to leave. Please go.

[E]

Fine. Fuck you, man. And by the way, Lisa, I think you're settling. So does Mike. He told me himself. This is bullshit.

[D]

Lloyd slams the door shut. There's a few seconds of silence until Lloyd busts back into the house.

[E]

Fuck. Oh, my God. I am so sorry, you guys. I completely forgot to hug you all goodbye. I literally hate to be rude. Hey, take care, everybody. Okay, good night. I love you guys.

[A]

Oh, my God, Leave again and not hug any of us. We're all just like, oh, yeah.

[E]

He's just announcing that he forgot.

[B]

This is so good. I love these types of characters. I have a pitch for a button, please. After he leaves, if Heather's like, I was the werewolf.

[E]

Heather. Okay, so obviously, you guys know this was inspired because I'm literally always the werewolf, but you are. I thought that this could be really fun. And in the lore of what we usually do it. This was also one of those things where I had so many different versions of this because I thought it would be really funny if they started turning on each other, as Lloyd would be, like, releasing more information, and they'd be like, you told him. And they started getting mad at each other. And I liked that. And then it was like. Then I just felt like I was doing a lot because it was like, he's late, but then also, he's just crazy. But also he's. She's bad at being a werewolf. It's just all over the place. But I just thought it was fun.

[A]

That I wanted.

[B]

Right? Yeah.

[A]

Turning on each other. And then at the end, he's like, oh, my God, I was a werewolf. What did you guys think? And they're all. They're all just really upset.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Super Tim Robinson coded.

[B]

It's very Tim.

[E]

Very Tim Robinson coded.

[B]

They're, like, latching onto something and refusing to let it go.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's so good.

[E]

And just like, the. The arbitrary reaction of, like, oh, and everybody being like, what?

[A]

I didn't hug you guys. And everyone's just, no, Lloyd.

[E]

Lloyd.

[D]

Wasn't there a show on Disney Channel and his name was Lloyd, probably. He was like, an alien. He was an alien.

[B]

Lloyd. An alien? Yeah. They would be Lloyd.

[E]

I don't remember that.

[B]

Well, we're running out of time. I have one more crazy sketch that I wrote and I did not reread it. If I have time, Speedrun, let's speed run it.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

I'm so grateful that you guys brought on sketches. Thank you for doing that.

[E]

Thank you.

[B]

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

[E]

It was a good exercise and your

[B]

sketches were far better than mine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. This is mostly stage direction. I will read stage direction. And myself. Arasha, can you be Selena? And Amanda, can you be Amanda?

[E]

I see what we had.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

All right. And then, Chance, can you be any other character that shows up?

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Interior, Smoshmouth podcast set day. Amanda and Selena are setting up the podcast mics and shit, like they always do because that's how we roll. When suddenly, the doors slam open, revealing Shane, handsome, carrying several boxes of donuts. Hey, gang. Sorry I'm late. I was buying donuts for everyone. Everyone, cheers. Shane is the absolute best.

[A]

Wow. Thanks, Shane. You're the absolute best.

[E]

I also think you're the best, Shane.

[B]

All the crew in the room nod in agreement. Through the window, we see several garbage men taking out the trash. They pause their work to also nod in agreement that Shane is the fucking best. And you better not ever doubt that shit. All right, well, I'm just gonna set them on the table over there. As Shane mosey's over to the table, his foot catches on a cable running along the floor.

[A]

Oh no, Shane, look out.

[B]

Shane loses his balance, tripping forward. The stacks of donuts tip forward as he tumbles toward a window. Oh, shit. Shane cannot stop the momentum. He fully crashes through the window and does a full front flip through the broken glass, flying outside.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Shane somehow does a perfect front flip through without losing any of the donuts, but lands directly on a skateboard, launching down the street with speed of a cheetah.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

Oh, shit. Stacks of donuts wobbling in his hands. Shane sways back and forth on the skateboard as he as it zips down the street onto a highway ramp and directly into oncoming freeway traffic. Shit. He weaves between cars and trucks. One of the donuts at the top of the stack falls off and perfectly hits a motorcyclist in the face.

[D]

Boston cream.

[B]

His head explodes. Oh, shit. Shane turns back to see that he's about to run directly into a snowplow going 80 miles per hour. He collides with it, but the plow on the front acts as a sick ass ramp, launching Shane directly into the sky. Oh shiiiil. Shane breaks the sound barrier as he flies higher and higher above the clouds, above the atmosphere. Oh shit. Shane passes into the stratosphere at a speed so intense, so insane, it's like dude, you really can't even comprehend how fast the speed is. Like it's nuts. A satellite nearly collides with him, but he does a grind on one of the antenna and kickflips off of it, improving the WI fi for millions of people. He flies past the moon. It disappears in the distance. He passes Mars, the asteroid belt, Jupiter, Neptune, Uranus and even Pluto, which as he glides past, can see is in fact a planet. It says it on the surface, it says it's a planet. I don't make the rules. Then, resembling a comet at the speed he's traveling, Shane leaves the solar system, hurling into the nothingness of the galaxy. Oh shit. For days, weeks, months, perhaps even years, Shane drifts in the eternal darkness as his home shrinks in the distance until it is nothing more than a speck. Yet another light begins to grow. A white shining orb of light expands with more colors and details coming into view. Shane squints as encompasses his entire field of vision. It is indeed Alpha Centauri, the nearest system to our own. Shane blasts forward at nearly the speed of light, the spheres of the system growing nearer and nearer. What's that? Ah yes. Proxima Centauri B. A planet in the Goldilocks zone, possibly habitable for life. Shane's new home. A dazzling blaze forms around Shane as he falls into the atmosphere, adding a nice crispy texture to the donuts which he is still carrying. Let's not forget that on the surface it is a quiet peaceful night on this foreign planet. Tall rubber like grass sways in the gentle breeze. Calls of mysterious creatures sound in the distance. Then a streak of fire darts across the sky and a burst of light erupts from the horizon. A flock of flying creatures escape from the trees. A massive crater has formed on the surface. The trees and brush on the outer rings, gently burning at the center. Curled up naked, clutching a stack of donuts. Naked is Shane.

[A]

Ah, that's what he wants.

[B]

Just then, humanoid like beings emerge from the trees and slowly approach, approach Shane. Their large crystalline eyes gaze over his alien. Over this alien creature. They reach out slowly with their long purple hands and touch his shoulder. Shane awakens with a gasp. Oh. Then the creatures lurch back in fear. Shane, eyes wide, stares in disbelief at this strange world and strange new company. He slowly holds up the boxes in his hands. I brought donuts. One of the creatures steps forward, carefully opening the box and pulling one of the powdered covered pastries. Slowly it raises it to its mouth, which opens vertically and takes a bite. Its eyes widen in delight of the taste. It speaks.

[D]

Oh, sick. Boston Cream.

[B]

Its head explodes.

[E]

I could not have predicted.

[A]

I'm obsessed with that.

[B]

That's what those aliens sound like.

[A]

Boston Crane.

[E]

And then the head explodes.

[D]

Yeah. Okay. This is so fun. I wanted them to, like, go to you in the crater and be like, lights in five. So if you can just sit in your pod, they have a podcast waiting for you I thought was gonna happen.

[A]

And then it's Amanda and Selena, but,

[E]

like, aliens form, and they were like, shane, you're here. You're the best. Yeah.

[A]

And it just says, you're the best. Wait, I need to see this. Like, animated. This feels like you're gonna get animated. Like, this is so.

[E]

You're gonna get that.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

This was a blast.

[D]

What happened? I have a question about Shane Handsome carrying several boxes of donuts. Yeah. Is it like a different version of you or.

[B]

No, that's just parenthesis.

[D]

Just, like, clear.

[B]

Like, that's a character breakdown.

[A]

He wanted to also be naked.

[B]

Like, whoever plays the character, just make sure that their hands.

[D]

Handsome.

[B]

Okay, got it.

[A]

It's something. He's, like, going, shane Handsome.

[B]

Like, you know. Got it.

[E]

It's just a little confused.

[A]

He's celebrating himself.

[B]

Sure.

[D]

For sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But that almost did happen.

[D]

What part?

[B]

Oh, yeah, because I brought donuts and I almost tripped and then, like, I. And you know, if I did trip, that might have happened.

[A]

I'd love to bring on this motorcycle character onto our pot at any time.

[E]

Of Motorcycle Rider.

[B]

Anyways. Holy.

[A]

That was so much fun.

[E]

That was so fun.

[A]

I think we need to do rejected sketches, like, again, asap.

[E]

You have to, because I really want to read Shitter.

[B]

We gotta read.

[A]

Okay, we have to read Shitter. And we have to read the other one that Dino Date.

[E]

Dino Date. Dino Date and Shitter. So have us back.

[B]

Dino Date and Shitter. Yeah, I want to see more from Lori.

[E]

Yes, whatever, Please.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Lori's got a whole world.

[B]

Well, okay.

[E]

This is awesome.

[A]

We have to go, which sucks, but we have to go now. Chance and Arasha, you guys are the absolute best.

[E]

Thank you for being here. What were you about to do?

[A]

I don't know. This is why I like, do the

[B]

E.

[A]

Nothing better than a motorcyclist on there going, move.

[D]

Bolston Green.

[E]

Bolston Green.

[B]

All right, bye, guys.

[D]

See ya. No.

[B]

No.

[D]

Evil. Evil.

[C]

And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[A]

Hey, everyone. Check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual Together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

[E]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league anyways.

[C]

Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty.

[B]

Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.

[A]

When you manage procurement for multiple facilities, every order matters. But when it's for a hospital system, they matter even more. Grainger gets it and knows there's no time for managing multiple suppliers and no room for shipping delays. That's why Grainger offers millions of products in fast, dependable delivery. So you can keep your facility stocked, safe and running smoothly. Call 1-800-GRAINGER click granger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done.

[C]

And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[A]

Hey, everyone. Check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

[E]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league anyways.

[C]

Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty.

[B]

Liberty.

[A]

Liberty.

[B]

Liberty.