#17 - Revealing Our Dating Histories w/ Chanse McCrary - Smosh Mouth

Summary5 min read

Podcast Summary: Smosh Mouth Episode #17 - Revealing Our Dating Histories w/ Chanse McCrary

Release Date: October 16, 2023

In Episode #17 of "Smosh Mouth," hosts Shayne Topp (Shane) and Amanda Lehan-Canto engage in an open and candid conversation with guest Chanse McCrary about their personal dating histories. The episode delves into their early experiences with dating, societal pressures, the impact of online dating, and the importance of genuine connections and respect in relationships. Below is a detailed summary highlighting key discussions, insights, and memorable quotes from the episode.

1. Introductions and Setting the Stage

The episode begins with Shane and Amanda introducing their guest, Chanse McCrary, and outlining the topic of discussion: their dating histories and experiences.

Shane [00:35]: "Today we are talking about dating. We just. Dating. And everything that comes with it."
Amanda [00:53]: "And how different we are from each other since we all grew up in different places."

2. Amanda's Early Dating Experience: "Tuba Boy"

Amanda shares her childhood crush from second grade, humorously referring to her friend as "tuba boy."

Amanda [02:02]: "I just call him tuba boy."
Shane [04:02]: "What? Who's making you feel bad about life?"

Amanda recounts how her admiration for a classmate who played the tuba led to her feeling self-conscious when the boy's mother disapproved of their interaction.

Amanda [04:16]: "He took off his shirt and continued to play the tuba."
Chance [04:14]: "Well, I'm just like a girl, and people are like, you shouldn't do that."

3. Shane's Early Dating Experiences and Anxieties

Shane discusses his first crush in sixth grade and his subsequent anxiety surrounding dating, emphasizing the lack of guidance for straight men.

Shane [09:00]: "There was a new girl at our school. I was just like, oh, my God."
Shane [11:04]: "What do we do now? We dated for a week."

He highlights the societal expectations placed on straight men to "have game" and the resulting pressure to perform rather than connect genuinely.

Shane [14:15]: "There's nothing. Zero, resources zero. Men are trying to talk about that."
Shane [15:00]: "Most of my dating life, and especially that one was just anxiety. There was no actual joy."

4. Chanse McCrary's Dating Journey and Coming Out

Chanse shares his experiences with dating women during his college years and his journey of self-discovery leading to his coming out as gay.

Chance [16:16]: "I was in college... but I was gay."
Shane [22:57]: "But I want to go to a different dimension where this same conversation is happening."

Chanse discusses the challenges of dating in a theatrical environment and the societal pressures he faced before embracing his true identity.

Chance [23:21]: "I want to marry my best friend. I want my partner."
Shane [36:22]: "A big problem is that for child actors, the authority figures in your life are often telling you misguided things."

5. The Challenges of Online Dating

The trio explores the pitfalls of online dating, including the superficiality of profiles and the mental toll of constant swiping.

Chance [38:09]: "I got rid of the apps about almost two years ago, and I have had so much more success dating off of the apps."
Shane [40:31]: "The swiping. I'm like, this is. This is messed up."

They discuss how online platforms can foster loneliness and create a mindset focused on rejection rather than meaningful connections.

Shane [41:36]: "I think a big problem... is that we are so focused on doing the impressive thing or the right thing that we're not actually forming any sort of real connection."

6. The Importance of Friendship and Respect in Relationships

Emphasizing the foundation of strong friendships, the conversation shifts to how mutual respect and genuine connections are crucial for successful relationships.

Shane [42:14]: "Focus on friendships and you will build your network out."
Amanda [51:07]: "If someone else is just being like, oh, okay, well, this guy told me that you have a crush on me, but I'm gonna hook up with him."

They advocate for cultivating friendships across different perspectives to gain better insights and reduce the pressure of dating.

Chance [43:27]: "It's so powerful. It is the most freaking thing."
Amanda [48:14]: "Respect is fucking number one."

7. Reflections on Past Relationships and Personal Growth

The hosts and Chanse reflect on their past relationships, discussing what they learned and how they've grown over time. They touch upon the concept of the "one that got away" and the importance of self-discovery.

Amanda [55:31]: "I felt othered. And so I was like, maybe we can connect."
Shane [56:03]: "I have to be. But it was so, it was, it was so, it was, it was so overt that I was a robot."

Chanse shares anecdotes about dating within his circle and the confusion that arises from blending friendship with romance.

Chance [46:25]: "I want to marry my best friend."
Shane [50:31]: "But I think what ultimately, though, is looking for that mutual respect."

8. Concluding Advice and Insights

In their closing remarks, Shane, Amanda, and Chanse offer heartfelt advice on self-love, respect, and the importance of genuine connections over societal expectations.

Shane [65:18]: "You don't need to be in a relationship. And if you are, that's cool."
Amanda [61:05]: "Being in a relationship does not make you a successful person."

They emphasize the significance of personal growth, understanding one's desires, and building meaningful friendships as a pathway to fulfilling relationships.

Amanda [61:56]: "And I do think that us three have completely. What we're talking about. I don't think there's one theme here."
Shane [64:18]: "Focus on friendships and you will build your network out. That is how you actually end up meeting people."

Memorable Quotes with Timestamps

Amanda [02:02]: "I'll just call him tuba boy."
Shane [15:00]: "Most of my dating life, and especially that one was just anxiety."
Chance [38:09]: "This is an anti tinder message, an anti hinge message."
Shane [40:31]: "The swiping. I'm like, this is messed up."
Amanda [51:07]: "If someone else is just being like, oh, okay, well, this guy told me that you have a crush on me, but I'm gonna hook up with him."
Shane [65:18]: "You don't need to be in a relationship. And if you are, that's cool."
Amanda [61:05]: "Being in a relationship does not make you a successful person."

Conclusion

Episode #17 of "Smosh Mouth" offers an insightful exploration into the hosts' and their guest's personal dating histories. Through honest storytelling and reflective discussions, Shane, Amanda, and Chanse shed light on the complexities of dating, the impact of societal norms, and the value of authentic connections. Their conversation encourages listeners to prioritize self-discovery, build meaningful friendships, and approach relationships with respect and understanding.

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Transcript750 lines

[00:00]
Shane
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck.
[00:04]
Amanda
I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse.
[00:06]
Shane
With family. Cannolis and spins mean everything. Now you want to get mixed up in the family business? Introducing the godfather@champacasino.com test your luck in the shadowy world of the Godfather. Slots.
[00:20]
Chance McCrary
Someday I will call upon you to do a service for me.
[00:22]
Shane
Play the Godfather now at champacasino. Com welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW Group void where prohibited by law 21/ Terms and Conditions apply. Welcome back to Smosh Mouth. I'm Shane.
[00:36]
Amanda
And I'm Amanda. And we're here with our Wonderful guest, Chance McCrary.
[00:40]
Chance McCrary
And I'm Chance McCrary.
[00:42]
Shane
And today we are talking about dating. We just. Dating. And everything that comes with it. Our dating histories, what we're like on dates, anything. There's no rules.
[00:53]
Amanda
And how different we are from each other since we all grew up in different places. And we're just all different and different.
[00:59]
Chance McCrary
Different.
[01:02]
Amanda
Yes.
[01:03]
Chance McCrary
Signs.
[01:04]
Amanda
And we're different astrological signs. Does astrological signs connect to yes? You date.
[01:10]
Chance McCrary
What? Yeah. 100%.
[01:11]
Amanda
Oh, I can't wait to hear this.
[01:13]
Chance McCrary
You don't think it does?
[01:14]
Shane
I don't know.
[01:15]
Amanda
Maybe it does.
[01:15]
Shane
Well, do all Virgos suck at dating? Because if that is okay for sure. Okay, let's. Let's figure out how to kick this thing off.
[01:26]
Amanda
Let's get into it.
[01:27]
Shane
When. When did you first start dating? And it can be stupid dating. It can be like. It wasn't technically real, but it.
[01:35]
Chance McCrary
It felt real.
[01:35]
Shane
You thought. You thought it was real. You thought you were entering the dating sphere? Cause I know you have a story.
[01:41]
Amanda
I do.
[01:42]
Chance McCrary
What is it?
[01:43]
Amanda
But I feel like people are gonna be mortified. But it's not bad.
[01:46]
Shane
Only tell what you want to tell, and all names are gonna be changed. Or just, I would say the first.
[01:53]
Amanda
Date, like, dating thing that I had. And this feels, like really young, but this was when I was, like, really into someone. Second grade.
[02:02]
Chance McCrary
Wow.
[02:03]
Shane
Okay. I get what you're.
[02:05]
Amanda
It's not. It's not like we went on dates.
[02:07]
Shane
I know what you're. I know what you're saying.
[02:09]
Amanda
We were really close friends. He played the tuba.
[02:12]
Shane
Okay, Amanda. And he was following me around going.
[02:17]
Amanda
Listen, he played the tuba. He lived.
[02:22]
Chance McCrary
And if you could make me laugh.
[02:23]
Shane
Wait, the tuba was bigger than him.
[02:25]
Amanda
He's in second grade.
[02:27]
Chance McCrary
Are there smaller tubas? He was.
[02:28]
Amanda
No, it was very thinner tuba.
[02:31]
Shane
Child's tuba.
[02:32]
Amanda
It was very big. It was very big. And he carried it everywhere. He didn't have a thing for it. That's so cute. So he carried it everywhere. He was so white and so nerdy.
[02:43]
Shane
And so jacked after carrying that tuba.
[02:45]
Amanda
And he wasn't jacked at all.
[02:46]
Chance McCrary
His arms were fucking.
[02:47]
Amanda
Dude, I like to. I had a crush on him, and we were friends. So one time I would hang out at his house.
[02:54]
Chance McCrary
Oh, see, this is me. I'm like. Whenever people talk about this stuff, I'm always like, what's his name? Name him. I won't make you do that. But there's something about it. There's some power in a name that I'm like, name him.
[03:05]
Amanda
Well, I'm not gonna name him. I'll just call him tuba boy.
[03:08]
Chance McCrary
I like that.
[03:08]
Amanda
And tuba boy and I would hang out, and one time we were hanging out and we were just sitting there, and we not never kissed her. Of course. Anything. We're in second grade.
[03:19]
Chance McCrary
I don't even.
[03:20]
Amanda
Well, not of course. I mean, actually, I think I kissed in second grade. Anyways, so we were just hanging out, and he was playing the tuba for me.
[03:29]
Shane
Okay, okay.
[03:30]
Amanda
And he took off his shirt.
[03:33]
Chance McCrary
Oh.
[03:34]
Amanda
And his mom.
[03:35]
Chance McCrary
Did you like what you saw?
[03:36]
Amanda
I was like, I mean, it's a second grade nothing.
[03:39]
Shane
Man, playing this tube has really got me sweaty. Better take this shirt off.
[03:43]
Chance McCrary
Took off.
[03:44]
Amanda
I'll never forget this, because it was the first time I was really made to feel bad about liking someone. He took off his shirt, and I thought I was just like, we like each other.
[03:53]
Chance McCrary
That's crazy.
[03:54]
Amanda
He took off his shirt.
[03:55]
Chance McCrary
First time you've been made to feel bad about life.
[03:59]
Amanda
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[03:59]
Chance McCrary
Which infers that it's happened so many times.
[04:02]
Amanda
Oh, so many times.
[04:03]
Chance McCrary
What? Who's making you feel bad about life?
[04:05]
Amanda
Well, I'm just like a girl, and people are like, you shouldn't do that. Not my family. My mom was very cool about it. But like, people in school, teachers, you know what I'm saying?
[04:14]
Shane
But you're really just in second grade when you're dating. You're just hanging out with someone.
[04:20]
Amanda
We weren't even. We weren't dating. We were just like, friends.
[04:22]
Shane
Literally friends.
[04:23]
Amanda
But he did take off his shirt while playing the tuba.
[04:27]
Chance McCrary
So that was the first one. You were like, we're dating.
[04:30]
Amanda
No, I was like. I didn't even know what it was. I wouldn't even say. The word dating was in my head.
[04:34]
Chance McCrary
Ain't that the fucking truth.
[04:35]
Amanda
I was like, I like you and you play the tuba. And he took off his shirt, and I Remember being like, this is awesome.
[04:42]
Chance McCrary
I like you, and you play the tuba.
[04:44]
Shane
He's like, awesome.
[04:48]
Amanda
He took off his shirt and continued to play the tuba.
[04:50]
Shane
Yeah.
[04:50]
Amanda
And his mom walked in, and she was like, you need to go home. And she had my mom pick me up immediately.
[04:58]
Chance McCrary
Oh, my God. She knew the. What the.
[05:00]
Amanda
And we didn't hang out after that. Oh, that was the end of tuba boy.
[05:04]
Shane
Have you ever talked to him?
[05:05]
Amanda
Yeah, we talked, but he was really, like, stayed away from me.
[05:09]
Chance McCrary
Did he go to the same high school as you?
[05:10]
Amanda
Yeah. Oh, well, middle school.
[05:11]
Chance McCrary
Did he have a. Oh, middle school. Or whatever it was at different high schools. You would remember if he was there.
[05:16]
Amanda
Yeah, he wasn't there.
[05:17]
Shane
And that kid. Kenny G. Oh, God. Kenny G. No, Kenny G As a kid.
[05:25]
Chance McCrary
Okay.
[05:25]
Shane
Wow.
[05:26]
Amanda
That was really the first one. And I think that was a big lesson for me when I got in so much trouble, when I'm like, I didn't take off my shirt. He took off his shirt, and we didn't even do anything.
[05:37]
Shane
Yeah.
[05:37]
Chance McCrary
Yeah. But what were you wearing?
[05:39]
Amanda
I was wearing a big. I was wearing a big dress.
[05:43]
Chance McCrary
I was wearing a dress that was a layered joke. That was very layered. You have to be very nuanced.
[05:49]
Amanda
No, I know, but let me tell you honestly, I was very into crazy.
[05:56]
Chance McCrary
Crazy. Okay.
[05:58]
Amanda
I was into big dresses.
[06:00]
Chance McCrary
Ad I spit out her coffee, she.
[06:03]
Amanda
Said, holy shit, I wore a mini skirt. No, I actually was very into, like, old, like, colonial dresses.
[06:12]
Shane
I feel like every second grade, back when I was in school, every second grade girl dressed like it was the 1800s. I feel like, 100%. Yeah.
[06:20]
Chance McCrary
Like, four cardigans. Yeah.
[06:22]
Shane
It's like.
[06:23]
Chance McCrary
No.
[06:23]
Shane
And especially back in the 2000s, the amount of layers everyone was wearing looks.
[06:28]
Amanda
Like an American Girl doll. I had, like, the colonial, and I had a huge. Oh, I had big puffy dresses in second grade. Okay.
[06:35]
Chance McCrary
No wonder the tuba guy liked you. Yeah.
[06:37]
Amanda
I was like, you got layers on layers. I was literally, like, good.
[06:41]
Chance McCrary
She's like a human tuba.
[06:44]
Amanda
Oh, dear.
[06:44]
Shane
Mr. Darcy has his tuba out.
[06:46]
Amanda
And the mom was like, get out. We're packing up your mom immediately. And I was like, okay. I grabbed, like, my handkerchief.
[06:52]
Chance McCrary
I'm like, so, Shane, who was your first?
[06:56]
Shane
Okay, so not second grade.
[06:58]
Amanda
But.
[06:58]
Shane
But I do remember kids dating in, like, second to fifth grade. But it was really just that they hung out, you know?
[07:05]
Amanda
Did they hold hands?
[07:07]
Chance McCrary
Oh, yeah.
[07:07]
Shane
It was stuff like that. It was just that their boyfriend, girlfriend. And it was just something that we'd say.
[07:13]
Amanda
Yeah.
[07:14]
Shane
But there was really nothing else There.
[07:15]
Amanda
Was nothing they could do.
[07:17]
Shane
And there was. And really, I didn't have any crushes or anything, but there was. There was a girl who, like, everybody was just like, yeah, she's the.
[07:28]
Chance McCrary
She's the one.
[07:28]
Shane
She's the one. And we didn't even know what we were saying.
[07:31]
Chance McCrary
The Regina George.
[07:32]
Shane
It was just kind of like, yeah, she's. Yeah, she's the one we're supposed to think is. She's the one we're supposed to like. What does she look like looking back? Normal 1500s dress look. She looked like every other. There was really nothing you have to describe it. I really don't know.
[07:46]
Chance McCrary
Well, because every other for every other for me is probably different every other than a lot.
[07:52]
Shane
I just mean if, like, looking back in my memory, there was no real blonder brunette.
[07:57]
Chance McCrary
I was about to say blonda brunette.
[07:58]
Shane
Was she white? She. She was white. She was. She was like a dark blonde, I think. But it was really. I am genuinely confused as to why. I think it was just determined. And it might have been because she had a boyfriend.
[08:11]
Chance McCrary
What color were her eyes? You can't even remember.
[08:16]
Shane
I think. I think black. I really don't. I really don't remember. I wasn't too infatuated or cared.
[08:26]
Amanda
She was just. Someone said they had a crush.
[08:28]
Shane
It was just like the thing that was kind of determined she was the one. But overall at our school, it really wasn't. We had. Dating wasn't like a thing in elementary school.
[08:38]
Chance McCrary
We had like, the girl that was like, hot. And she won most attractive senior year.
[08:43]
Shane
High school of high school.
[08:45]
Chance McCrary
Whoa.
[08:45]
Shane
So she.
[08:46]
Chance McCrary
Yes, she was hot.
[08:47]
Shane
The prophecies were true.
[08:49]
Chance McCrary
There were other hot people that could have won a hundred percent. But it was like she was. It was. I was always like, she's the one. No matter how she's aging, she is the one.
[09:00]
Shane
But I didn't. I didn't care too much. And then I would say the first time that I had a crush was in sixth grade. There was a new girl at our school. And I remember, for whatever reason, I was just like, oh, my God. I didn't talk to her new girls.
[09:17]
Chance McCrary
What is that?
[09:17]
Shane
But it was just. Well, I think it was just. I hadn't seen a new person in. Since I started at this school. So it'd been five, five or so years that I had just been hanging out with the same people. And so. And then suddenly there's. There's a new person and I'm just like a new challenger. But it was still. I was still Very young. So it was really, like, infatuation, and it was just like, whoa.
[09:38]
Amanda
But wait, you didn't talk to her?
[09:40]
Shane
I didn't. I mean, yeah, not really. Like, I think there's probably some conversations, but I didn't. We didn't, like, hang out or talk. I just was like, she was in the same class as me of, like, 30 kids, but.
[09:50]
Chance McCrary
So who was the first one that you were like, I'm talking to this girl.
[09:54]
Shane
Well, so cut to a year later, seventh grade. I still think she's just so, like, gorgeous and stuff, and. But, you know, I. Yeah. Eventually, I forget how, but there was the opportunity. A friend of mine was like, yeah, she thinks you're cute. And I was like, what?
[10:14]
Amanda
When you get that information.
[10:16]
Shane
Oh, my God.
[10:16]
Chance McCrary
Yeah, it changes everything.
[10:18]
Amanda
It's like, you got a million dollars when someone's like, hey, bubba thinks you're cute. You're like, no, no, no, no, no. You're, like, lying on something.
[10:26]
Shane
But to put things in perspective as I guess to say, like, I'm an anxious person now. I don't know how that's. That's read, but I am an anxious person now. But back when I was a kid, up until my mid-20s, I was so anxious and in my head. So I did eventually ask her out. I forget how. And I. I don't even know if it was. It must have been just like, hey, do you want to be my girlfriend? And she's just like, yeah. And I'm like, okay, what do we do now? So what do we do now? We dated. We dated for a week. Yeah. We held hands. We did nothing else of even. We never even exchanged numbers because we were so. I was just so, like.
[11:04]
Amanda
You were like, I did it. I did what I had to do.
[11:07]
Chance McCrary
I truly.
[11:07]
Shane
I truly had. And I want to get into this later because I was talking to someone about just dating culture for straight dudes and how fucked it is in so many ways, but from our own perspective. But that really was part of it. And yeah, once we were in it, I was like, what do we do? We would sit next to each other at lunch. I would sit with her and her friends, and I would just kind of sit there.
[11:31]
Amanda
Oh, no.
[11:33]
Shane
And so here's. I'll tell you the first cringiest thing of my dating life. This was the first. I had heard this joke from a friend of mine, and I thought it was so funny.
[11:47]
Chance McCrary
No, no, no, no, no.
[11:48]
Shane
And so I decided, you know what? I'm gonna throw this out.
[11:51]
Amanda
Not at the lunch table.
[11:52]
Shane
I hope at the lunch table.
[11:53]
Chance McCrary
Oh, my God. That's your type five right there.
[11:57]
Shane
You guys are gonna see this coming from the first sentence. But mind you, we're in seventh grade, so this was perhaps revolutionary at the time. I'm sitting next to her and there's like a break in the conversation. I just go, dude, the other day, I. The other month, I was. I was fishing with some. Some friends of mine, and it was. It was crazy. We were sitting there for hours and nothing. And then suddenly I got a bite and I was like, oh, my gosh. And nobody had had any luck that day. And all of a sudden, I'm reeling it out, I'm pulling it back in. I'm reeling it out, I'm pulling it back in. And this thing is. I can tell this is unbelievable. Everyone's freaking out. It's tipping the boat. And I'm sitting there, and I swear, like a half hour goes by and I'm fighting this thing, and finally I pull it out, and I swear to God, this fish was this big. And then I put my arm around.
[12:48]
Chance McCrary
Her and then shame.
[12:50]
Amanda
Oh, no, no. Here's the thing. I did not see it coming.
[12:56]
Chance McCrary
I didn't.
[12:57]
Amanda
I didn't see it coming. And I wish it.
[12:59]
Chance McCrary
I would never back in.
[13:06]
Amanda
Please tell me that the friends were like, what did they. What happened?
[13:10]
Shane
We. I think they all laughed, but, you know, what else are you gonna do?
[13:13]
Chance McCrary
Some of them cried.
[13:14]
Shane
I think they all cried.
[13:15]
Amanda
I think they all cried so hard.
[13:18]
Shane
I think I was. Yeah. And then I. Then my arm was there. And then I had no clue what to do. Once again. Once again, it was a. What do I do now? I've only thought about how to get to that point.
[13:33]
Chance McCrary
But that's such a common thing in dating, though. What do I do now? Well, there's no playbook.
[13:39]
Amanda
No.
[13:39]
Shane
And I'm going to repeat this several times throughout this. But for straight dudes, at least, because that's. That's the perspective I'm speaking from. So much of it is just about. This is what I should be doing and who's telling. This is what I. This is what I mean, society, media, everything, any, anytime. I would Google anything. Like, it was just. It's, you know, definitely then. I mean, it's probably worse now of just. It's pickup culture and it's entirely about getting the girl. But nothing has. We are never, ever taught about how to actually.
[14:12]
Amanda
To actually be in a relationship make.
[14:15]
Shane
There's nothing. Zero, resources zero. Men are trying to talk about that. It's all about, here's how you get the girl. Here's how you ask her out and get. Get on that date. It's like, okay, great. Once. Once you're there, I think there are.
[14:29]
Amanda
This actually makes so much sense for, like, my past dating because it's.
[14:32]
Shane
Oh, yeah.
[14:33]
Amanda
All the women are like, are you gonna do something? Like, what are. But that you guys don't know? I think we intuitively.
[14:41]
Shane
Well. And. And furthermore, a big issue for me, and I think it's the case for a lot of dudes, is that we are so focused on doing the impressive thing or the right thing that we're not actually forming any sort of real connection because I'm not actually there. I'm sitting there trying to play a board game in my head.
[15:01]
Chance McCrary
A board game is exactly.
[15:02]
Shane
It's what it is. It's. Well, it's game. It's a game, and we refer to it as game. And we talk about that of that guy's got game. And so we're all trying to have game, but we're not actually forming real connections or being there with a person because we're putting on a Persona. We're doing moves. And so you don't actually feel any sort of joy. And so percent Most of my dating life, and especially that one was just anxiety. There was no actual joy. I didn't have a good time.
[15:30]
Amanda
Wow.
[15:31]
Shane
That. That week. And then she.
[15:33]
Chance McCrary
She.
[15:34]
Shane
She just ended it one day.
[15:35]
Amanda
And I was like, yeah, remember the fishing thing?
[15:37]
Shane
Yeah.
[15:37]
Amanda
Yeah.
[15:38]
Shane
That was really fucked up. I was frankly relieved when we. When it was done because I was like, I don't know what this is. And I had no idea what to do. I realized I was like, I don't know what the fuck.
[15:48]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[15:48]
Shane
A relationship is.
[15:49]
Amanda
To be honest, that explains so much because you guys present yourself like you know exactly what you're doing. Oh, straight men present themselves like you know exactly what you're doing.
[16:00]
Chance McCrary
Clueless.
[16:01]
Amanda
And then when it comes down to it. I'm talking about when I was younger. When it comes down to. Or older, you're just. We're just like, hello.
[16:09]
Shane
Mm.
[16:09]
Amanda
What?
[16:10]
Chance McCrary
Yeah, that's everyone. That's everyone.
[16:13]
Amanda
So what was your first crush or dating?
[16:17]
Chance McCrary
I had crushes that were all girls. I had a crush in second grade. I went and gave her a valentine. Second grade? Yes. Oh, it was second grade, you're right. Yes. But the first girl that I asked out was in middle school, and she. I was reading Harry Potter at the time.
[16:38]
Amanda
Very cool.
[16:39]
Chance McCrary
And I went to a very white high School. Super white high school. And there was this girl who reminded me of Cho Chang. And I loved her and I was like, but I loved her because she reminded me of Cho Chang. And it was Harry Potter. And I wanted to be the main character, but she was also really cool.
[16:56]
Amanda
You wanted to be Harry?
[16:56]
Chance McCrary
I wanted to be Harry.
[16:57]
Amanda
Okay, got it.
[16:58]
Chance McCrary
Which I'm not Harry.
[17:00]
Amanda
Not at all.
[17:00]
Chance McCrary
No, not at all.
[17:02]
Amanda
More of a slip.
[17:02]
Chance McCrary
And I do not ever want to. Anyway, we're gonna move past that. And I don't wanna be hairy. But I asked her out and she was like, no. And so that was like. I was like, oh, fuck. Cause I was also. I also felt othered. I also felt othered. And so I was like, maybe we can connect. Cause you're different, I'm different.
[17:24]
Shane
Let's.
[17:24]
Chance McCrary
And she was like, fuck no. And I was like, oh no. But then I asked out this other girl, freshman year of high school. That was my second bout. I was like, let's do it. And I asked her to go as my date to a senior's birthday party. It was a disco themed birthday party. And I at this time had a froid fro.
[17:43]
Shane
So I was like, we've seen those photos of you in high school.
[17:45]
Chance McCrary
I was like, I'm the guy. If you're going to a disco party, I'm the guy. She said yes to the disco party. And then at the disco party, I was like, do you want to be my girlfriend? And she was like, yes. And then word got out that we. I don't know how it got out so quickly. She was with my friends. The next day I show up at school and everyone's like coming up to me. She's like, congratulations. Like, blah, blah, blah. Really weird. Really weird. And then she comes up to me and she's like, hey, can we talk? And I was like, oh no. Oh no.
[18:11]
Shane
And did she break up with you right there?
[18:12]
Chance McCrary
Oh, she broke up with me the next day.
[18:14]
Shane
Dude. I had that sort of happen once.
[18:17]
Chance McCrary
It was like she talked to her friends. She talked to her friends. It was her friends.
[18:22]
Shane
Do you think one of her friends maybe liked you? Was like, oh, oh, Shane, I've never thought about that. It's possible. I don't know.
[18:28]
Chance McCrary
I took it personally. And you're not supposed to take things personally.
[18:31]
Amanda
No, not when it's like that. Because she barely knows you.
[18:34]
Chance McCrary
Yeah, we knew each other.
[18:36]
Amanda
Okay.
[18:38]
Shane
I think if anything it could just be that this. This avalanche of everyone knowing about it. She maybe just was like scared I'd be Scared of that.
[18:46]
Chance McCrary
She's now married to someone who was in my small group. Yeah.
[18:49]
Amanda
Does he have a big afro?
[18:52]
Chance McCrary
No, he.
[18:53]
Amanda
Could you imagine?
[18:54]
Chance McCrary
No, he doesn't. A bigger afro. I'm like, fuck, it's that guy. He has a bigger afro than me.
[18:59]
Shane
That's her type.
[19:00]
Amanda
This is crazy, because just hearing about this, it answers so many things for when you're first starting to date. Because I feel like when you're first dating, you are so influenced by everybody. Yeah, you are so. I think still. But more so when you are in high school, middle school, because you're basically all in camp together.
[19:20]
Shane
Yes.
[19:20]
Amanda
And you're so influenced and you're.
[19:22]
Chance McCrary
You see each other every day.
[19:23]
Amanda
Influenced by your friends.
[19:24]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[19:25]
Amanda
Your friends.
[19:26]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[19:27]
Amanda
Say what they want to say. Your friends will tell you to do things. And they don't always do it.
[19:33]
Chance McCrary
No.
[19:34]
Amanda
Because they.
[19:35]
Shane
You're right.
[19:35]
Amanda
Like, oh, that person's not good for you. Sometimes it's because they have a crush on that person.
[19:39]
Chance McCrary
That's fucked up.
[19:40]
Shane
I didn't have. Because I didn't go to a physical high school, but I had. I can relate in a lot of ways because being here amongst, like, a bunch of child actors, we kind of formed our own. Like, I was hanging out with people my age all the time. It was a smaller group. And as I've mentioned before, the dynamics were weird because the popular kids or the cool kids were the ones who were on TV shows, which I think gives them a lot more basis for being.
[20:09]
Amanda
Oh, my God.
[20:10]
Shane
That's like really, you know, it's like. It's like, well, yeah, you're on a TV show and we're all trying to be actors. So you're also. You've achieved the thing we're all out here to do.
[20:21]
Amanda
That's hard.
[20:22]
Shane
So the dynamics are really tough. It's like, dude, he's on Zoe 101. He's so cool.
[20:26]
Chance McCrary
Logan.
[20:27]
Amanda
Really?
[20:28]
Shane
There was. Oh, the Zoe 101 crew. The victorious crew.
[20:31]
Amanda
That was so much anxiety.
[20:33]
Chance McCrary
I think we can also.
[20:34]
Amanda
Ours. The seniors were just like. They were really good at football. They were really good at hockey. That was our, like, I mean, top.
[20:43]
Shane
But in your sphere, that's also like being on tv.
[20:47]
Amanda
That's true.
[20:47]
Chance McCrary
It was.
[20:48]
Amanda
It was the same thing in newspapers.
[20:50]
Chance McCrary
We went to a super. It was a weird Southern school where it was equal parts sporty and equal parts artsy.
[21:00]
Shane
Cool.
[21:01]
Chance McCrary
So like, like divergence, really. It was like, divergence.
[21:05]
Shane
Are you artsy or sporty? No, you must choose.
[21:09]
Chance McCrary
Or are you smart and you can be multiple. And there were people that were multiple. They were on the football team. They were like, he plays football, but.
[21:18]
Shane
He also likes to paint. He is Divergent.
[21:21]
Amanda
Shane only sees things we realize in, like, TV shows.
[21:25]
Shane
I only. I can't relate to real life. It has to be TV or movie or. I don't know.
[21:30]
Amanda
I love that.
[21:32]
Shane
Okay, go on.
[21:32]
Amanda
So you're Divergent.
[21:34]
Chance McCrary
I'm not. Oh, no.
[21:35]
Shane
Hold on, hold on. You are art.
[21:37]
Chance McCrary
I was art.
[21:37]
Shane
Yes.
[21:38]
Chance McCrary
I was art. I was art, but I was like the head. I was like the big guy. I was like the guy to do the art thing.
[21:44]
Shane
Nice.
[21:44]
Chance McCrary
But then there were people who would, like, cross over, and they were so powerful. They felt like the avatars of our.
[21:49]
Amanda
High school when they had crossed over.
[21:52]
Chance McCrary
You can be the running back, and then you can come do the open mics and kill us all.
[21:57]
Shane
That's cool.
[21:57]
Chance McCrary
And then you're on student council. No, that's cool. That's too powerful.
[22:01]
Amanda
See, ours were totally different. If you were on student council, we were like, okay.
[22:05]
Chance McCrary
Oh, no. We were achievers. Oh, no, no.
[22:08]
Amanda
Us. We were like, woods parties, football.
[22:13]
Chance McCrary
Oh, no.
[22:13]
Shane
You were just in Dazed and Confused.
[22:15]
Amanda
We were literally in Dazed and Confused. And it was the person who was like, the really mysterious person with the dirt bike.
[22:22]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[22:22]
Amanda
We were like, oh, my. Well, maybe it was just me.
[22:24]
Shane
I was like, oh, I fully.
[22:26]
Amanda
My God.
[22:27]
Shane
I fully get that from you.
[22:29]
Amanda
You get that buggy?
[22:29]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[22:30]
Amanda
Ours. I never wanted to date a football player. Mine was always like, the dirt biker. The guy in the woods party shit.
[22:38]
Chance McCrary
Like, the grungy.
[22:38]
Amanda
The jeans that were shorts. Think about it. The long jeans.
[22:43]
Shane
You were. You were into Fred Durst.
[22:45]
Amanda
Oh, my God. In that every day chain. A chain. A T shirt.
[22:54]
Chance McCrary
Thinking about.
[22:55]
Shane
So we know Amanda's tight.
[22:57]
Chance McCrary
You talk about that. I'm like, who did I have crushes on in high school and middle school? And the people that I had crushes on? I don't think I knew that I had crushes on or I was just lying to myself about even having crushes. Cause I'm gay. So the clock starts later. You have to come out to yourself before you come out to other people.
[23:13]
Amanda
Okay, so you are gay. So when did you start actually going after boys? Men?
[23:21]
Chance McCrary
I mean, it was in college. I went to school in Chicago, and it was such a different. It was such a different ecosystem of people as compared to Tennessee, where, like, in Tennessee, it wasn't like, shame. It wasn't like they were like. It was shame, actually. It was shame.
[23:41]
Shane
It Was.
[23:41]
Chance McCrary
But it wasn't a vocalized thing. It was like, oh, you can't do that. Like a side eye. Yeah, yeah. Or like, oh, bless your heart.
[23:47]
Amanda
Societal.
[23:48]
Chance McCrary
Societal. But, like, it was a sh. Shame.
[23:51]
Amanda
Yeah.
[23:51]
Chance McCrary
It wasn't like, we're gonna, like, beat you up, some people. It was like, we're gonna beat you up. But it was never like that. Cause we're all about love and acceptance, but we're not really. And I go to Chicago, and then they're actually about love and acceptance, but with this hard exterior. And so it was a different ecosystem. So it was like, okay, now you're allowed to. Even though I was allowed to like, boys there still, like, stayed away from it for, like, three years in Chicago. Three years.
[24:15]
Amanda
So you were still kind of like, having dating history with women?
[24:20]
Chance McCrary
Yes, I have girlfriends in college.
[24:24]
Shane
What was that like? I'm just so curious.
[24:27]
Chance McCrary
Well, I was in the theater program, and so it was like, it's already.
[24:31]
Amanda
Making out with everybody.
[24:32]
Chance McCrary
It's already slim. No, I wasn't. It was already slim pickings for women who want straight guys in the theater program. And I was one of the straight.
[24:39]
Amanda
Yeah.
[24:40]
Chance McCrary
Impossible. I was one of the straight guys, and so I was, like, one of the guys. And I felt like a king. Cause I was like, well, you can't choose anyone else.
[24:49]
Amanda
Musicals and everything. You were like, I'm gonna date. And all the guys are like, hi. You want to. And you're like, nobody I believe. And they're like, he's straight. Are you sure? No, he's straight.
[25:01]
Chance McCrary
No. 100%. They did that shit. So I dated a couple people, but it didn't work. And I was doing all the right things, and I was so romantic. Oh, my God. I was such a good boyfriend.
[25:11]
Shane
But were you? You weren't. You were just kind of playing out a script.
[25:15]
Chance McCrary
Yes.
[25:16]
Shane
Yeah. So you weren't actually having a.
[25:18]
Chance McCrary
Like, you're probably.
[25:19]
Shane
Okay. You might have been having fun, but not.
[25:21]
Chance McCrary
No, I was having fun, but I wasn't doing any of the things that I wanted to be doing. But I will say the first boy that I hooked up with, I won't say dated, but I will say hooked up with was my crush. So I went to a play. I went to see the Wiz. Oh, yeah. My first week at Northwestern, and I saw a guy who was the Tin man. And I was like, you. You are so cute. Like, so hot. Like, I was like, that's my type. Even before I was out, I was like, that's my type. I was like, I know you are the one.
[25:56]
Amanda
The Tin man was your sexual awakening.
[25:59]
Chance McCrary
So then when he was graduating, he was a year above me. When he was graduating in that summer, he was like, do you want to come to a party I'm having? Blah, blah, blah. He was in the theater program. I was like, yeah, absolutely. So I came, and he like, yeah, absolutely not. Me going into. I was in a frat.
[26:11]
Shane
Yeah, that's not.
[26:12]
Chance McCrary
Forget I was in a frat.
[26:13]
Amanda
Yeah, absolutely.
[26:14]
Shane
Hold on. Just got a gre. My joints really quick.
[26:21]
Chance McCrary
So I went to this party with them, which also. The frat we need to talk about, too, a little bit, because that is like dating, but dating friendship, but not hooking up with people. Some people hook up, but some people hook. But it's like you're having all the parts of dating without. Without.
[26:37]
Amanda
That's what I love about dating. It depends on the ecosystem that you're in. Changes all the way that you date.
[26:43]
Shane
Totally.
[26:44]
Amanda
But keep going. Yeah.
[26:45]
Chance McCrary
So I went to a party, and he was, like, escorting me around, and I was like, this is my coming out. I have not hooked up with a guy. I've never been with a guy ever.
[26:53]
Amanda
And it was the Tin Man.
[26:54]
Chance McCrary
And he walked me around the party. He got me a couple drinks. Then he knew I wasn't out, but he was very much out, and so he was like, do you want to come sit by me on the couch? So I came and sat by him.
[27:04]
Amanda
On the couch, and he's like, no.
[27:05]
Chance McCrary
No, no, I'm just kidding. He put his hand in the cushions of the couch because all my friends were around and I wasn't out. And he was like, chance. And he, like, gestured to the couch, and I put my hand in, and I got to hold his hand in the cushions of the couch.
[27:19]
Shane
That is actually so sweet.
[27:22]
Chance McCrary
That is.
[27:23]
Shane
That's like. I'm surprised I haven't seen that.
[27:25]
Amanda
Very sweet.
[27:26]
Chance McCrary
And then, like, all my friends started leaving, and it was his apartment because it was his party. He was like. I was like, I need to probably leave soon. He was like, can I walk you out? And I was like, yeah, of course. And he comes and walks me out. I'm this. I'm not out yet. I'm not out yet. I've never done anything. And he walks me to the stairwell, and he's like, can I kiss you? And I was like, absolutely. This is my crush from when I was a freshman. I was like, oh, my God. So I kissed him, and he's like, do you want to come up to my Room. And I was like, nah, too much. Slow down, slow down, slow down.
[27:53]
Amanda
Good for you.
[27:54]
Chance McCrary
Is that good for me?
[27:55]
Amanda
I don't know.
[27:56]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[27:57]
Amanda
See, society.
[27:58]
Chance McCrary
Yeah. I had such shame that I was like, I can't go to your room.
[28:00]
Amanda
Oh.
[28:01]
Shane
But I understand. I understand why it was overwhelming. I understand. That's so much.
[28:05]
Chance McCrary
It was so much already.
[28:07]
Amanda
Good for you. Because I think you would have been like, whoa. You got time to, like, process that?
[28:13]
Shane
Were you still in your head saying, I'm straight?
[28:17]
Chance McCrary
No.
[28:17]
Shane
But you knew internally. But you just hadn't. You hadn't told anyone.
[28:22]
Chance McCrary
I hadn't told anyone. So then right after I walked away from his apartment, I'm like, calling my friends. I'm like, me and Kyle just hooked up while we did.
[28:30]
Amanda
Did you guys date?
[28:31]
Chance McCrary
No, we didn't date, but I did sleep with him the next week.
[28:35]
Shane
Nice.
[28:36]
Chance McCrary
Took a week. And he was like. See, I know in a way, it's.
[28:41]
Amanda
Like societal pressures are sometimes like, hey, don't shame me. But then sometimes they poke us enough where we can be like, actually, wait, let me take some time to process this.
[28:52]
Chance McCrary
And that's a good thing.
[28:54]
Amanda
Yeah. Because when you rush into something, then it's like when you go. It's like when you do too many things in a day, you're like, I don't even know what my day was.
[29:01]
Shane
Right.
[29:01]
Chance McCrary
And I think we underestimate how much time we have.
[29:04]
Shane
Yes.
[29:05]
Chance McCrary
You can be patient.
[29:05]
Amanda
Also, a kiss can last, like, days. Thinking about it.
[29:10]
Chance McCrary
Totally, 100%. A good kiss, a right kiss, a bad kiss. A bad kiss can also last days, but for the wrong reason. Or it can last a lifetime, depending on what you got in that mouth.
[29:20]
Amanda
Yeah. No, that's also. I feel, like, very connected to worse dating stories. I feel like kissing is, like, 80% of a worst date.
[29:32]
Chance McCrary
80.
[29:33]
Shane
Holy shit.
[29:34]
Chance McCrary
As soon as I sit down at the table or wherever we are, as soon as I walk in, I will see your aura, I will know your vibe, and I will know if it's a yes or a no.
[29:45]
Amanda
Okay.
[29:46]
Chance McCrary
As soon as I walk.
[29:46]
Amanda
But then when you kiss them, if they're a terrible kisser, what happens then?
[29:51]
Chance McCrary
I think I'm such a good kisser that it doesn't matter.
[29:55]
Shane
They'd have to be horrendous.
[29:57]
Chance McCrary
They would have to be so bad. Like, I. I really can only think of a couple people who are bad at kissing. That's one, because bit too much. Two, because mouth too slobbery. But that's not on the skills. Mouth too slobbery. Okay, you sound like you have really bad kisses is what I'm.
[30:14]
Amanda
No, I.
[30:15]
Shane
Maybe you're a really bad kisser.
[30:16]
Chance McCrary
Maybe. No, maybe you're the operative. Maybe.
[30:19]
Shane
Maybe it's.
[30:19]
Amanda
You kiss her.
[30:21]
Chance McCrary
Okay.
[30:22]
Amanda
No, I've had a couple bad kisses, for sure. And they have. It has.
[30:29]
Shane
I definitely. I think when I was a teenager, because it was so few and far between. And once again, I was like, this is probably. I had no clue what I was doing.
[30:36]
Chance McCrary
Were you kissing girls?
[30:38]
Shane
Not much.
[30:39]
Chance McCrary
I wasn't.
[30:40]
Shane
Not much. I had a couple.
[30:42]
Chance McCrary
I had, like, two. Yeah.
[30:43]
Amanda
Wait, so when was your first kiss?
[30:45]
Chance McCrary
13. Natalie Booth. Hi, Natalie. She would love that.
[30:49]
Amanda
Okay.
[30:50]
Shane
Okay.
[30:50]
Amanda
When was yours?
[30:52]
Shane
I think I was 14. It was truth or dare. Yes.
[30:56]
Chance McCrary
Mine was, too.
[30:57]
Shane
Yeah. It was in front of everyone.
[30:59]
Chance McCrary
Mine was, too.
[30:59]
Shane
At a bonfire and. Yeah. But I. I definitely look back and I'm like, yeah, I had no idea what I was doing. And I think it was, you know.
[31:07]
Amanda
I don't know when my first kiss was.
[31:09]
Chance McCrary
Thank God for Trisha. Dare.
[31:10]
Amanda
It might have been tuba boy later, but I think it was tuba boy.
[31:16]
Shane
Ten years later, tuba boy shows up. Tuba boy.
[31:18]
Amanda
My first kiss, I remember when it was. I was 12, I had braces on, and my boyfriend, we were like, do you want to date? Yes. Well, I didn't. What was a boyfriend when you were 12?
[31:33]
Chance McCrary
That's fair.
[31:33]
Amanda
But we were. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. We would hold hands. Everyone knew that we were dating, and it was in our friend's house, and they were peeking through the door, and they. They watched us kiss, and we both had bracelets, and that was my first kiss.
[31:48]
Chance McCrary
So what was your first relationship? That was your first relationship?
[31:53]
Amanda
We dated for four years.
[31:56]
Chance McCrary
Whoa. That's a long time, Amanda.
[31:58]
Amanda
And he gave me an engraved Tiffany's bracelet when I was insane. Fourteen. With our names.
[32:06]
Chance McCrary
Yeah, but the disposable income of a 14 year old.
[32:08]
Shane
Well, 100%.
[32:10]
Amanda
His dad owned a car shop, and so he worked all the time. And I remember I would hide. It was the old school Tiffany's. The silver with the big, like, link chain, and it had a heart, and our names were engraved on it. And I had to hide it at dinner all the time. So I would have it underneath sweaters and I would hide it. And one time at dinner, and my mom did not like him because he rode a dirt bike and he would pick me up. Of course, you're tied to the back of the house.
[32:37]
Shane
He's gotta have some sort of bike.
[32:38]
Amanda
And he would go dirt bike riding, and my mom just survives.
[32:40]
Shane
That's pretty cool.
[32:42]
Chance McCrary
Put me on the back of a motorcycle.
[32:43]
Amanda
I've been on dirt like in the quarry. Do you know what a quarry is?
[32:47]
Chance McCrary
Yeah, I know what a quarry is.
[32:48]
Amanda
So we would like be in the woods and do like these crazy things and I would. I remember I hid it and my mom saw it and I was in.
[32:55]
Shane
So much trouble for having a Tiffany's bracelet.
[32:58]
Amanda
Yeah. And also for dating one guy for four years. She was like, don't you want to explore? I remember she said that.
[33:04]
Chance McCrary
Oh wow.
[33:04]
Amanda
She was like, don't you want. Yeah.
[33:06]
Chance McCrary
My mom. I love that.
[33:06]
Amanda
My mom was very supportive about dating. Remember I had two older sisters ahead of me.
[33:11]
Chance McCrary
But that's very Portuguese.
[33:12]
Amanda
Very poor.
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[33:37]
Shane
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[33:44]
Amanda
Dating was like living.
[33:46]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[33:46]
Amanda
Breathing. Like it was like my mom was very supportive. My dad was like, yeah, just shut the door. Like couldn't. But that was a big thing for me. That was like a big relationship for me. So yeah.
[33:59]
Shane
Wow. I. I had no relationships. I like pseudo like one month or two month things where nothing really happened. And you know, it was just more like, yeah, we're talking. But. And that, that really I had, I had like only one. And that was when I was like 14, 15. But then for the majority of my teenage years I really hardly dated. I hardly had any. Even then, like I really struggled. I like didn't have a. I wasn't in a relationship until I was like 22, 23. So I was there like it's late.
[34:36]
Chance McCrary
But I would like to reference the gay clock again.
[34:40]
Amanda
Yeah.
[34:40]
Chance McCrary
Because that's when it, I mean it starts most a lot of people now it's a little different. But a lot of people don't start till after they leave their parents house.
[34:48]
Shane
Well, I know it's really.
[34:49]
Chance McCrary
I know it's 18, which is when you start even experimenting with Having a crush.
[34:55]
Shane
Sure. I wasn't really. Yeah. Because I came out here and so my mom and I were in an apartment and I was like going to auditions and stuff. It really wasn't working. It wasn't. I was. I had a career. And so a big thing of why I think I was also anxious was that there were stakes where if I got in trouble, there was something huge that could be taken away and they never threatened it and nothing ever really happened. But I knew, like, oh, if I fuck up, we will move back to Arizona. So I really, I really did not get into trouble because I was like. I didn't get into trouble because I was like, I don't want to get in trouble. I didn't get into trouble because I was like, I don't want to lose this whole thing, my whole life. I'm like, my career. I'm going to be a big actor.
[35:39]
Chance McCrary
I need to do much pressure, saying.
[35:41]
Shane
I'd put it on myself. But no, not really, I guess. Yeah, but so I think that that hindered a lot of my ability. I think back on if I had stayed in Arizona and just gone to high school and really had no stakes. If I was just like, I'm just going to high school and doing my.
[35:58]
Chance McCrary
Thing, There are still stakes.
[36:00]
Shane
There are so many still stakes. But I would have probably done a lot more stuff, Right. But I didn't because I was very focused on my career and I had acting coaches who were constantly saying stuff like, focus on your career. Like, do not. Do not do anything else. Like, don't, don't put anything above that, priority wise. And I listen to that.
[36:22]
Chance McCrary
That's also the power that adults have. Careful. The things you say.
[36:25]
Shane
Well, that is, again, I think it's. I think. I think we see. We see so many child actors end up in bad places once they're older. And I think a big problem is that for child actors, the authority figures in your life are often telling you misguided things or they're just so focused on their best. They have great intentions for the most part, but they're all booker. They're all. And you know, there's, There's a lot of.
[36:52]
Amanda
But also, they probably had their teenage years.
[36:54]
Chance McCrary
I probably. No, they have, they had.
[36:57]
Amanda
I'm so grateful for my teenage years. I am so grateful that my mom was like, if you get brought home by the cops, that's on you. Which has happened.
[37:06]
Shane
Yeah.
[37:06]
Amanda
And it's like, I am so grateful that my mom was like, go get your heart broken a million times. Go, love. Go party in the woods. And it's not like she said that, but that's what.
[37:17]
Chance McCrary
Yeah. I feel like as time Progresses now, your 20s are like your teenage years.
[37:25]
Shane
Weirdly, I think things are different now.
[37:28]
Amanda
Very different now.
[37:28]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[37:29]
Shane
Yeah. I want to move on from. From teenage years because I think we're going to talk about that more next week. But, yeah, I think things are changing. And everything I read about nowadays is talking about how people are lonelier than they've ever been. Yeah. Dating is more like dead than it's ever been. Especially speaking from my perspective. All I read about is how straight men are like, yeah, we're just not dating. Yeah.
[37:51]
Chance McCrary
Because I think people need to find microcosms. They need to find their own ecosystems. And it's hard to find an ecosystem when you are accessible to everyone.
[38:01]
Amanda
Is that because of. Do you think online dating makes it way harder? Do you think online dating makes people feel more lonely?
[38:09]
Chance McCrary
As I had the apps for years, I got rid of the apps about almost two years ago, and I have had so much more success dating off of the apps. This is an anti tinder message, an anti hinge message, because you start looking at people and the places that you are, like, physically or the people that you know. And it is such a. It is so much better to meet people in person or through other people than it is on the apps. And the apps gets you in a mindset of like, yes, no. Yes, no, no.
[38:48]
Amanda
Right.
[38:48]
Chance McCrary
So much more complicated than that.
[38:50]
Shane
It's so much.
[38:51]
Chance McCrary
It is so much more complicated than that. And there are so many people who. I see them in pictures and then I see them in person and I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. Even if I see them in videos, I'm like, yes. Then I see them, I start talking to them. I'm like, no, absolutely not.
[39:09]
Amanda
But then there's connection.
[39:10]
Chance McCrary
There's people who. I'm like, I see them in person and I'm like, yes. And then I see their Instagram. I'm like, whoa. Yes. You know what I mean? I'm like, that's what. You did that with that? Because I was already into it and now I see what you're doing.
[39:22]
Shane
Yeah, there's so much more nuance in person, and there's a lot of. There's a lot of people who you see photos of. And the problem is a photo is a photo. It can really not capture a person.
[39:34]
Chance McCrary
The other thing is TikTok too, because now I can see this person moving and talking and.
[39:38]
Shane
Yeah.
[39:39]
Chance McCrary
And like it, but it's still not the same.
[39:42]
Shane
It's not who they are.
[39:43]
Amanda
Why do you think people. Why do you think people are lonelier than they've ever been?
[39:47]
Shane
I do think dating apps have. I think it's fucked up our own heads. And once again, I'm going to primarily speak for my perspective and people who I think share. My perspective is that as a straight dude, on dating apps, it is mostly getting nothing in return. And, you know, and I'm sure also a lot of guys who are in my realm of if you are shorter or if you are not as attractive or whatever. And yeah, like on photos, when you're just boiling it down to two dimensional. Yeah. You're probably not gonna get the same amount of responses. But I also think dating apps, you just don't get a lot of responses as a guy sometimes. And. And there's probably a lot of reasons to that, you know, And I just think it gets you in a bad mindset.
[40:32]
Chance McCrary
Yes.
[40:32]
Shane
The swiping. I'm like, this is. This is messed up. And it also gets you obsessed with dating in a way that I also think is unhealthy. And I think we are more obsessed with it than ever of it being a kind of societal marker.
[40:45]
Amanda
You don't have it, then you're not successful.
[40:47]
Shane
You need to. It is. It is a requirement.
[40:49]
Amanda
Not true.
[40:50]
Shane
And it's so unnecessary. And it did make me want to just kind of rebuke it and not participate.
[40:57]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[40:58]
Shane
But I. Because I agree, getting, Getting rid of it. I found I had. I wouldn't say I had more success, but I just felt better. Yeah, I just absolutely felt better. And I think, I think it does make you more present in the world. My advice, because I, I see it constantly on the Internet right now of just dudes being like, it's hopeless. It's. It's fricking hopeless. No women want me. I feel like nobody's interested. Whatever. I. I think a big problem, and I've said this on Reddit stories where I think a lot of straight dudes, what they really need is to have friends who are women or just friends who are just not other straight dudes.
[41:37]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[41:37]
Shane
To get different perspectives to, to understand, like, it helps so much. It kind of takes the weight off of dating, I think, a little bit.
[41:45]
Amanda
Yeah.
[41:46]
Shane
When you have a close friend. Friend who can offer you perspective, like, honest perspective of like, why did. Why do you think that girl wasn't into me? Or why do you think that date went that way? And I've always Had that. I've had friends who I could talk to. And having them as friends was always more impactful and more important than relationships. So I would say my advice to any guy who is like, I'm really struggling. I feel like I'll be single forever. Focus on making friendships.
[42:14]
Amanda
Friendships.
[42:15]
Shane
Focus on friendships and you will build your network out. That is how you actually end up meeting people. And that's how I've met people. And that's more than just meet people. That's how everything has worked out in my life.
[42:27]
Chance McCrary
I've always been. This is a crazy thing I'm going to say. I've always been lesbian adjacent.
[42:34]
Amanda
What does that mean?
[42:36]
Chance McCrary
I'll break that down.
[42:37]
Amanda
Break it down.
[42:37]
Chance McCrary
So, like, at work in high school, I was like, the lesbian and me were like, always. I would always find the lesbian. I'd be like, we're friends. And she'd be like, hell, yeah. Thank God. Because like, the rest of these people, like, there's something powerful about the perspective of, like, a guy. If I'm looking at the binary, a guy who likes not men and then a woman who likes not men. So, like, we'll tell each other exactly how it is the way it is.
[43:04]
Amanda
I love that.
[43:05]
Chance McCrary
It's so powerful. It is the most freaking thing. Gay men, if you are listening, go find yourself a lesbian. Lesbian, if you're listening, go find a gay man. They will tell you exactly that. It's so powerful. Or go find someone that's not. That's so funny.
[43:19]
Amanda
I love that because I, I think, I think connecting with an opposite of you is so important.
[43:28]
Chance McCrary
Like, it is so powerful.
[43:30]
Amanda
Like when we were talking about societal things back in the day, how friends have so much power over you, I really think trying to work, like, I have a best friend who's a. Who's a straight dude, not from this country. And I was like, I talk to him about everything. I'm not talking about my husband. I talk to him about everything when it comes to, like, females, men. And his advice is so like, oh.
[43:53]
Chance McCrary
And, you know, it changes too, is when you start going like, CIS and trans. It's like, go talk to someone. Go talk to someone else and see what they say because they help you so much in your relationship. Because I feel like so much of relationships is about balance and it's about balancing out these forces. And when you're so stuck in your CIS ways. Yes. You, you start. You put these blinders on and you put ultimatums on. Yes.
[44:18]
Amanda
I feel like you put, like, if this ever happens, Again, it's done.
[44:22]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[44:22]
Amanda
And I'm going to search for someone who never.
[44:24]
Chance McCrary
Yeah, that's not how it works.
[44:25]
Amanda
Never. The word never can never work in a relationship ever. Like, it just can't. Like ultimatums. And trust me, we try. In our weak moments, we try to put on ultimatums. Cause it's control. We don't want that to happen to us again. But it's not possible. We're human beings, and finding having a friendship with another person from another perspective, like you guys are saying, is so beneficial. I don't think I realized how beneficial it was until I heard both of you talk about this whole thing of, like, oh, I didn't know what to do.
[45:00]
Chance McCrary
It's like, how did you find your person? Do you have. Are you allowed to talk about that?
[45:04]
Amanda
How did I find what? My person?
[45:06]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[45:06]
Amanda
My husband.
[45:07]
Shane
Oh.
[45:08]
Amanda
I found him at karaoke.
[45:09]
Chance McCrary
No. No way.
[45:11]
Amanda
I was singing Locked out of Heaven by no way. Yeah. And he asked me out, and I was like, no, he was a random.
[45:18]
Chance McCrary
He was a random at a bar.
[45:19]
Amanda
Random at a bar. He wrote down his number on a piece of paper.
[45:22]
Chance McCrary
Oh, my God. The love of my life.
[45:24]
Amanda
Really?
[45:24]
Chance McCrary
I met randomly at a bar, and he came up to me. Yeah.
[45:27]
Amanda
And they came and he went. You have the most beautiful voice. Here's my former.
[45:31]
Chance McCrary
And I was like, no, no, you didn't.
[45:34]
Amanda
I did because I was in a not good relationship with a friend.
[45:39]
Chance McCrary
Oh.
[45:39]
Shane
Oh.
[45:40]
Chance McCrary
I've only. I'm so.
[45:41]
Amanda
I couldn't see it. And then a month later, he was there. He asked me out again, and I said yes. And.
[45:46]
Chance McCrary
Wait, you were dating a friend?
[45:48]
Amanda
I was.
[45:49]
Chance McCrary
I have a notorious habit.
[45:50]
Amanda
I wouldn't even say dating is the right word.
[45:53]
Chance McCrary
Yes, it's the. Because the friendship. Oh, we've talked about this. Oh, that's another nasty. I'll tell you. We are.
[46:00]
Amanda
That's another little subtopic dating, which is when you are hooking up with a friend.
[46:05]
Chance McCrary
Yes. Because I. Over and over and over again. Because what I want. I'll finish one thought before I move to the next. What I want, my ultimate goal is to be in love with my best friend. I want to marry my best friend. I want my partner. So it gets really confusing because you.
[46:26]
Amanda
Seek out best friends, and then I'm.
[46:28]
Chance McCrary
Like, I want to date you now. And then we start hooking up, and then it gets really confusing because I'm like, but I already had these feelings with you, and now the sexual chemistry is there. Damn. What the hell are we gonna do now?
[46:42]
Amanda
I just don't think that it. For me, it, it didn't work.
[46:46]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[46:47]
Amanda
Dating a best friend to, to continue that for me, it didn't work. I had to meet someone out of my circle. Completely opposite. Yeah, but it might work for other people.
[46:57]
Shane
I think it works for some people. I think the majority of any relationship is friendship. Right? That's, that's. Yeah, 99%. And then romantic relationship is just, there's just a couple layers on top of that. But any, any actual successful romantic relationship is built on very strong friendship. I would.
[47:17]
Amanda
But I understand, I understand you trying to seek. Because I did the same thing of like dating your really, really good friends. For, for me it, after time I realized it didn't work.
[47:30]
Shane
Well, best friendship is that's your motorcycle.
[47:32]
Chance McCrary
What didn't.
[47:33]
Shane
That's what you're looking for. So that's, that's of course what you want to find first.
[47:37]
Amanda
But for me to find someone that is like, that you're really attracted to on a romantic level first.
[47:46]
Chance McCrary
But, but, but, but how do I separate, how do I separate romantic from sexual? Because you don't need to.
[47:52]
Shane
I, I think that's different for every single person. I think it's, I have to be.
[47:57]
Chance McCrary
There's so much. Look at, talked about this, look at what's going on in West Hollywood. Look at.
[48:01]
Shane
Right.
[48:01]
Chance McCrary
The gays that are. I'm around, everyone's hot. So like now what is romance? Now what is romance?
[48:07]
Shane
Yeah, I think romance is maybe, maybe.
[48:10]
Amanda
It'S, maybe it's starting a relationship with someone as a friend first.
[48:14]
Chance McCrary
That's exactly what I'm saying. I know. I think that's okay. And this is a problem. Tales all the time. The friend zone. Like straight people get in the friend zone. Friend zoned all the time.
[48:24]
Shane
Sure. But I mean if you have your network, like I said, going back to what I was saying, build out that network and you have your group of like, these are my trusted friends and I care about these friendships and these. And a friendship can be forever, you know. And the problem is dating can sometimes jeopardize that. That's, that's a tough thing. But if you have your network of like these are my friends. And then it, then you can only have so many friends where it gets to a point where it's like, all right, I'm willing.
[48:51]
Chance McCrary
Let me show you this. Let me show you this. I'm gonna open your mind a little.
[48:53]
Shane
Okay. Okay. I feel like.
[48:55]
Chance McCrary
So, so your network, imagine your network is hot ass gays who you also want to fuck.
[49:03]
Shane
Okay.
[49:03]
Chance McCrary
So that's my network. That's where we're starting.
[49:05]
Shane
Okay.
[49:05]
Chance McCrary
So now I'm asking them to find someone for me because they also want to fudge the guy they're finding for me.
[49:12]
Shane
Interesting.
[49:13]
Amanda
Okay.
[49:13]
Chance McCrary
Understand.
[49:14]
Amanda
I do. Because I think that. I think that us three have completely. What we're talking about. I don't think there's one theme here.
[49:22]
Shane
I honestly, we are on completely different.
[49:24]
Amanda
Completely different themes.
[49:25]
Chance McCrary
So crazy.
[49:26]
Amanda
And I agree. I also think that, like, that is really fudgeing. Hard to be like, let me find you this guy. But I also.
[49:33]
Chance McCrary
I also.
[49:34]
Shane
But I want to go to a different. A different dimension where this same conversation is happening. But I'm going, just tough, dude. I know so many hot babes, and they all want to have sex with me. And I'm trying to find the love of my life, but all these babes just want to have sex with me.
[49:47]
Amanda
All these women, man. All these women are like, this hot guy for you. God, I want to fuck them.
[49:53]
Shane
Wow.
[49:54]
Amanda
But to be.
[49:55]
Shane
No, Amanda's over here. Like, I. Nobody wants to date me.
[49:57]
Chance McCrary
I have no.
[49:59]
Shane
I'm sure.
[50:00]
Amanda
I've never dated anyone. I'm short, but I will say when I have tried to do the best friend thing where you're like, oh, my God, we've been best friends for years. And then you have that one night where you're like, hello.
[50:11]
Shane
Yeah.
[50:12]
Amanda
And then you make out, and then you're like, oh, my God. And for me, it hasn't worked out because I've always wanted the friendship more. So when I met H, it started off romantic, and it built into a best friendship.
[50:27]
Chance McCrary
That's cool.
[50:27]
Shane
I think it can work in a lot of different ways.
[50:29]
Amanda
I think everything. I think it's always different.
[50:31]
Shane
But I think. I think what. Ultimately, though, I. The problem with love and romance is that everybody's definition of it is so different. Yeah, it's not the same for most people. So a lot of it is about finding someone who feels about it the same way as you. I think ultimately, though, it's looking for that mutual respect. Like, you have that connection. You have all that stuff, but you also have the same form of respect for each other. And that is the key, I think.
[50:56]
Amanda
So these guys hooking up with. So the guy who's searching for someone and they just hook up with them. Maybe the respect just isn't fucking there at the start.
[51:06]
Chance McCrary
Good fucking point.
[51:07]
Amanda
You know what I'm saying?
[51:08]
Shane
It's about respect.
[51:09]
Amanda
If someone else is just being like, oh, okay, well, this guy told me that you have a crush on me, but I'm gonna hook up with him. Like, whatever. Wherever. Whatever ecosystem you're in. Whatever ecosystem you're in, respect is fucking number one. Yeah, like, respect. And I think I wish I could tell my younger self that if he. If there is no respect there, if he is literally giving you all the signs that he doesn't want to be there, he doesn't want to be there, babe, right? Move the fuck.
[51:39]
Chance McCrary
Oh, yes. It quacks and has flippers. It's a duck. It's.
[51:42]
Shane
It's that lesson of. Also when someone tells you who they are, Listen, duck boats. If someone tells you they're a duck, they're.
[51:48]
Amanda
If someone shows you who they are, believe them.
[51:51]
Shane
Oh, 100%.
[51:52]
Amanda
That's what I think. And I do think people can change, but in the early stages of dating.
[51:57]
Chance McCrary
You're right.
[51:58]
Amanda
Respect.
[51:59]
Shane
I think people can change, but don't expect them to change in your relationship.
[52:03]
Chance McCrary
That's good.
[52:03]
Shane
I think that's kind of what I believe at this point is if you're in a relationship and they are letting you down or they're not working for you, you can try to communicate what you need, but if you realize it's bigger than if you're asking a person to change fundamentally who they are, you.
[52:22]
Chance McCrary
Should just go, I have a question. Do you. You don't have to answer it. You don't have to answer it. Do you have a one that got away? Not, not, not, not. Not. Not necessarily that. Like, you're like, oh, if they were here right now, I would date them. But, like, you're like, oh, that could have worked, and something happened where it didn't. I don't definitely.
[52:39]
Amanda
Yeah, definitely do mine, but mine's a little too. Mine's. Mine's, like, too sad.
[52:44]
Chance McCrary
Okay.
[52:45]
Shane
I. I don't have one that. I'm like, she.
[52:48]
Amanda
Yeah, he died.
[52:49]
Chance McCrary
Okay.
[52:51]
Amanda
It was more like the one who got away and died. But the thing is, for me, the one who got away is hard because it's mixed up with my town, and I wanted to be here. So I experienced the One who Got Away big time because I needed to move out of that town, and he was never gonna move out of that town.
[53:09]
Chance McCrary
Yeah. Yeah.
[53:10]
Amanda
Mine is like, old story, oldest time story.
[53:13]
Chance McCrary
I have the one that got away. He went to the Marines. I went to LA at the same time. We couldn't.
[53:19]
Amanda
I went to la and he got so deep in the town, and I.
[53:22]
Chance McCrary
Was Cape Town, and I love Cape Town. It's my favorite city on earth. Well, oh, am I going to Cape Town?
[53:29]
Amanda
Hey, he's alive.
[53:30]
Chance McCrary
Hey, you're so right.
[53:35]
Shane
He's just.
[53:36]
Amanda
We get cocktails together.
[53:39]
Shane
All right, we got Manhattan's here. I don't necessarily have one that got away where I'm like, oh, man, that would have been great.
[53:47]
Chance McCrary
It's.
[53:47]
Shane
It's more that I look back and I go, damn. I. And maybe this is just from. From experience and knowing who I am more and allowing myself to be who I am. Because like I said, so much of my. Even into my 20s was so performative. So, like, this is what dating should be and this is what I. I'm saying what I should be saying. And I was trying so hard to impress the women I was on dates with. And I think also my.
[54:11]
Chance McCrary
That is a thing you have to do that it is.
[54:13]
Shane
Right? But it was so, it was, it was so, it was, it was so overt that I was a robot. But also, I think also the issue was that I was also, I think in my head of like, what I should be attracted to because there was also societal thing of even though I'm straight, it's like, but this is the type of woman that is hot. And this is.
[54:34]
Chance McCrary
And I love that. I love people exploring types and being like, oh, what do I actually.
[54:39]
Shane
Because I never, I never really had it. I never really had a type. And the more I think about it, I was just like, I don't think I was into what conventionally was being told to me. And I think that I really struggled with that.
[54:49]
Amanda
But like the girl that you had that everyone had a crush on, and we were like, what does she look like? And you're like, I don't care.
[54:54]
Shane
Like, but, but, you know, if, if I hate to say it, but back when I was a teenager, I think I got over this pretty quickly. But, you know, if people didn't talk about a girl like she was hot, I think I'd be like, is she hot? Oh, she isn't hot, so I shouldn't be into her.
[55:07]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[55:07]
Shane
And I look back and I think that's where I look back and I go, damn. I don't think that was the one. Like, I feel very confident that I don't think I missed out on anything life changing. But it's more that I look back and almost more so as just friendships of like, damn. I really. That was a. Looking back, that was a really cool person. And I think I. We probably could have, we could have had fun. But that's part of getting older. That's part of. That's part of. I mean, I don't think I really allowed myself to be who I was and be interested in what I'm interested in until I was, like, 25 or 26.
[55:41]
Chance McCrary
And it's so funny because the advice from older people are it's always like, kiss the person, do the thing, make the mistake. But. But always that.
[55:51]
Shane
And, you know, the older people that.
[55:53]
Amanda
I've been around, I don't think all older people are like that. I think older people are, like. Some older people are, like, very intense about, like, don't make mistakes. Don't get your heart broken.
[56:03]
Shane
Really? Well, because we all speak. It's not the people that I'm around, but everyone speaks. Everyone speaks from their own concept. Right.
[56:10]
Chance McCrary
Which is why.
[56:11]
Shane
Because I go back and forth with that of if I could talk to my younger self, would I be like, dude, just go for it. But I also would be like, you know what, man? You did what you thought was best.
[56:20]
Amanda
Yeah.
[56:20]
Shane
And I can't. You know, I can't tell. If you do something different, then you're not. You're also not living your. Your truth. That was my truth. My truth was I was. I had to get out of this mindset. I had to. And it did eventually lead to me going for something completely wrong for myself and going through the motions for too long until I was like, I'm miserable.
[56:41]
Amanda
Yeah.
[56:42]
Shane
And then I had to have that moment. And, yeah, it took 25 years, but it took 25 years and I got out of it. And so I don't know. I'm like, if I go back and change things, maybe that wouldn't be good.
[56:52]
Chance McCrary
Not. Maybe not change. Definitely not change things. But when you're in the present.
[56:57]
Shane
Yeah.
[56:58]
Chance McCrary
Jeff Probst always says, play Survivor like it's your second time playing.
[57:04]
Amanda
I love Jeff.
[57:05]
Shane
I love that this comes down to Jeff Probst.
[57:07]
Chance McCrary
It always does. It always does change.
[57:09]
Amanda
I love Survivor.
[57:11]
Chance McCrary
Me too. The new season starts this week, but he says, play Survivor like it's your second time playing because you'll play a much better game that way. Yes. You're taking risks you're not taking. You're, like, keeping things to yourself. You're just playing it like it's a second time playing. So what if you dated like it was your second?
[57:30]
Amanda
I think what that means for me is that if you have an instinct when you're dating, like an instinct that feels like you do it all the time, maybe try to see a different perspective.
[57:39]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[57:40]
Amanda
Maybe Go against. I mean, I hate to say go.
[57:43]
Chance McCrary
Against your instinct, but be more cognizant.
[57:45]
Amanda
But be like, huh? Why do I have this instinct?
[57:47]
Chance McCrary
Yes.
[57:47]
Amanda
Is this societal, you're saying analog, or.
[57:49]
Chance McCrary
Is this analytical about yourself?
[57:51]
Amanda
Just like, yeah, explore your choices.
[57:53]
Chance McCrary
I love.
[57:53]
Amanda
But of course, I. That was not. I couldn't tell my younger self that because my younger self was like, everyone tells me not to be with this person. Hello.
[58:03]
Shane
It's so funny because I think about all the dudes nowadays who are complaining. I'm just like, no, these women wouldn't be into me or whatever. And I'm like, the women they're often talking about are like the. The quote unquote unpopular girls. It's like, it's like the nerds in high school being like, the popular girl. She would never be into me. And I'm like, would you actually have fun dating her?
[58:21]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[58:22]
Shane
You guys have nothing in common. And I think that's what I'm talking about when I look back on my younger self and I go, the girls that I was telling myself I should be into, I wasn't. Once I. If I actually dated them, would we have a good time? Or I just. You start to realize, like, hey, especially.
[58:38]
Chance McCrary
With Instagram, like, looking at people, it's like, oh, I wanna.
[58:43]
Shane
Yeah, it's like we immediately adjusted who we are to try to fit, and then we have a bad time. That's why I do think there's some truth of when people go, stop thinking about dating. Remove yourself, and then it'll work out.
[58:55]
Chance McCrary
It's.
[58:55]
Shane
Cause like I said, focus on making friendships. And yeah, one of those friendships might blossom into something else, but you're just focus on genuine connection with people. And also, as a dude, when you come across like your primary goal is to date or to sleep with someone, you are gonna come off as a predator. You are like, that's. And that's. That's what's going to happen so much. But I just think you remove all of that because all of that's a lot of. It's bullshit.
[59:22]
Amanda
And that's why I think when people go, it'll happen when you least expect it. I hate hearing that because sometimes I'm.
[59:28]
Chance McCrary
Like, whatever, I love your witch.
[59:29]
Amanda
But I will say thank you. I will say that when I met H, I literally had done everything to swear off dating. I saw Reiki lady and she was like, you haven't met the one. And I was like, I'm done. I'm literally done. And then she went, okay, what do you really Want in a relationship. This was actually in my vows. What do you really want in a relationship? And I was like, I really want someone to really want to be there with me, and I want them to be, like, a strong person, mentally, that I actually am into. And she was like, great, write that down on a piece of paper. Like, really write that down. And I wrote it down on a piece of paper and I was like, this is so stupid. And I put it up and I looked at it every day. I was like, cool, yeah, okay. And I looked at it every day. And then a month later, I met H. And I didn't realize that that was.
[60:17]
Chance McCrary
I'm Reiki lady. Can you Literally.
[60:19]
Amanda
Yeah, I didn't realize that that was the thing. And then I realized, like, oh, my God, that is exactly who H is. Is. He really wanted to be there, and he really wanted to know who I was as a person.
[60:32]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[60:33]
Amanda
And I feel like that was a huge, like, oh, moment thing for me. And that was. That was totally in our vows. I was like, oh, I manifested you.
[60:44]
Shane
I. I do. It makes me think. Something I do want to say, though, for people listening and watching is, you know, as we're talking about, like, what do you really want? I think something that I am loving that I'm seeing a lot nowadays is people realizing, like, oh, I don't know if I actually want to be in a relationship in my life. And I'm like, hell, yeah, dude. Yeah, all the power.
[61:02]
Chance McCrary
I don't want kids. Yeah, you should have kids.
[61:05]
Shane
So great.
[61:06]
Chance McCrary
You feel that. Do not.
[61:08]
Shane
Because, yeah, you look, dude, frankly, like, you look at a lot of, like, really older people who you can tell, like, they did not want to be.
[61:15]
Amanda
They listen to society.
[61:16]
Shane
They did what? And back in. Yeah, the 50s. But I think that's also. I think that's part of it. Like, someone saying, oh, I don't want to be in a relationship for my. The rest of my life. I want to do my own thing. That is your love life. And that is. That is also you choosing yourself and choosing how love works for you. It works differently for every person. And I think that's great.
[61:38]
Amanda
Being in a relationship does not make you a successful person.
[61:43]
Shane
It means nothing to anyone else.
[61:45]
Amanda
All, All. All I think you need to do is just continue to discover and explore who you are.
[61:51]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[61:52]
Amanda
Like, literally, like, being in a fucking relationship doesn't make you a fucking relationship.
[61:57]
Shane
It truly is.
[61:58]
Amanda
And are we going to go.
[62:00]
Shane
We're back to Oprah.
[62:01]
Chance McCrary
We never left Oprah. There's an Oprah quote where she's talking about. She's talking about her husband or something, and she's like, he doesn't live in the same house as you. And she's like, yeah. And. And she's like, well, what is that about? And Oprah's like, I don't want someone in my house.
[62:20]
Shane
Do you know who I am? Yeah, I'm Oprah.
[62:23]
Chance McCrary
But I totally get it. I want a separate room.
[62:26]
Shane
I will say. I will say, though, someone could probably live in Oprah's house and she'd never know.
[62:30]
Chance McCrary
That's true.
[62:31]
Amanda
And you know what?
[62:32]
Shane
Probably people do.
[62:33]
Chance McCrary
People do. There is a whole colony living inside her house. Oprah could colonize Mars. And you're hearing it here first, easily.
[62:41]
Amanda
That's what I feel like. I feel like you need to silence going back, like full circle.
[62:45]
Chance McCrary
Like there's no playbook.
[62:47]
Amanda
There's actually silence, what everyone is telling you you should do. And that's why getting another friend who has a different perspective will make you go, oh, I never thought about that. I don't actually need to get married if I don't want to.
[63:00]
Chance McCrary
That's so funny. I had a best friend who I started hooking up with and things got confusing. It's tale as old as time. It's happened like four times anyways. And when we were talking, when we were talking about dating, like if we should or not, we had the conversation. Yeah. And I was like, he kept saying things and I was like, who told you that? Who told you that? He's like, we can't do. Who said that we cannot do this?
[63:25]
Shane
Who told you?
[63:27]
Chance McCrary
Where are you reading these rules? Yeah, because I don't. I didn't see them. I didn't prescribe to them. I didn't say yes to them.
[63:33]
Shane
Right.
[63:34]
Chance McCrary
So where is this coming from? Yeah, it was just a constant obstacle. There's no playbook.
[63:38]
Shane
We build these, these spheres. And I think it's like I said, going back, I think it's really bad for straight dudes right now. And my advice for straight dudes, there's nothing wrong with getting advice from another straight dude. But there's so many dudes out there who all of their advice comes from straight dudes. And then they don't understand why they can't connect with women. It's like, because you're not actually listening.
[64:00]
Amanda
To anything, actually connecting with a woman. Talk to a woman about.
[64:04]
Chance McCrary
And if there are any straight dudes trying to experiment. Get out of here. Oh, sorry, sorry. The mic.
[64:16]
Amanda
Leave the mic alone.
[64:18]
Shane
Damn. I Wish we could keep talking forever. This is.
[64:21]
Amanda
I need a part two.
[64:22]
Shane
We can. We can definitely do this. We can pick this up and I.
[64:25]
Chance McCrary
Have a whole list of names.
[64:28]
Shane
Next week. Next week, though, I think. Yeah, next week we're going to be talking about high school and middle school a little bit more. Getting a little more in depth than just the general whole thing of it.
[64:39]
Amanda
Of like, stories and real things.
[64:40]
Shane
But Chance, this has been so great.
[64:42]
Amanda
Chance, you're amazing.
[64:44]
Chance McCrary
You guys are literally.
[64:45]
Amanda
You guys gave me an aha moment during this, so thank you.
[64:47]
Shane
What was.
[64:48]
Chance McCrary
Which one was.
[64:48]
Amanda
It was like, about how you guys were like, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what to do. Like, I kind of was like, oh, that makes a lot of sense.
[64:56]
Shane
The fish joke, you never know what you're doing.
[64:59]
Amanda
Was not an aha moment. That was a wish. Never heard it here.
[65:03]
Chance McCrary
I will admit at the end of this that I did do the firework one.
[65:07]
Shane
Okay. And you guys made fun of me. You made fun of me.
[65:10]
Chance McCrary
Yeah.
[65:11]
Shane
And you'd done it too.
[65:12]
Chance McCrary
Really bad.
[65:13]
Shane
Well, thank you guys for watching. Hey, I hope. I hope you love yourself, you know, respect yourself and love yourself.
[65:19]
Amanda
Correct.
[65:19]
Shane
You don't need to be in a relationship. And if you are, that's cool.
[65:22]
Chance McCrary
And if you don't love yourself, hell.
[65:25]
Amanda
Is anyone else gonna love you.
[65:27]
Shane
That's what RuPaul said.
[65:30]
Chance McCrary
Or Jeff Probst. Or Oprah. My holy trinity.
[65:33]
Shane
All right, we'll see you guys later.
[65:35]
Amanda
Bye.
[65:36]
Shane
Bye.
[65:39]
Amanda
What does Jess Pro say when he likes out your thing? Tribe has spoken.
[65:42]
Shane
The tribe has spoken.
[65:43]
Amanda
The tribe has spoken.
[65:44]
Shane
You are the Lord of the Flies.
[65:49]
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[66:14]
Shane
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