#18 - Reading Our Teenage Journals w/ Courtney Miller

Summary

Podcast Summary: Smosh Mouth Episode #18 - Reading Our Teenage Journals w/ Courtney Miller

Release Date: October 23, 2023
Hosts: Shayne Topp (Shane), Amanda Lehan-Canto (Amanda)
Special Guest: Courtney Miller

---

Introduction and Welcome

The episode kicks off with Shane and Amanda warmly welcoming back Courtney Miller, marking her first appearance since the inaugural episode. The trio reflects on how much the podcast, now renamed "Smosh Mouth," has evolved over time.

Shane:
"We've got a sign. And that's about it." [00:35]

Courtney:
"I'm back. I haven't been on since the first episode." [00:38]

Podcast Evolution and Guest Update

Shane and Amanda highlight the significant changes the podcast has undergone, from its name change to incorporating new elements like the show sign. They also humorously discuss their interactions with Anthony, a recurring figure, noting the shift from warm welcomes to playful teasing.

Amanda:
"I was part of every group. I loved theater. I was heavy into my family." [10:03]

Diving into Teenage Journals

The core of the episode revolves around the trio delving into their teenage journals, providing listeners with a raw and unfiltered glimpse into their adolescent minds. Inspired by Courtney's own experiences sharing her middle and high school diaries on the Smosh channel, the hosts express their enthusiasm and slight trepidation about revisiting their past writings.

Shane:
"A large part of that inspiration is because a big thing on the channels over the years is, Courtney, you've brought your high school diary." [02:47]

Courtney:
"It's very vulnerable, so I've completely understood why no one else has done it." [05:40]

Sharing and Reading Journal Entries

The conversation becomes deeply personal as Amanda and Shane begin reading selected entries from their journals. Amanda shares entries detailing her feelings of anger, self-consciousness about her appearance, and the complexities of teenage relationships.

Amanda:
"I wrote about people being mean to people. I wrote about things." [02:54]

One standout entry from Amanda reads:

Amanda:
"May 31, 2003. Hey. I feel so self conscious. Everyone calls me big boobs. It's horrible. I just want to slap them and say, look at me." [37:26]

Shane contributes by reading his own journal entries, which reflect his struggle with self-identity and emotional expression during his teenage years.

Shane:
"February 3rd, 2003. A Monday. You wrote Monday Mondays. Damn, I forgot my black clip again." [29:46]

Reflections on Adolescence and Personal Growth

Throughout the episode, the hosts discuss the transformative nature of their teenage years, touching upon themes like vulnerability, anger, self-awareness, and the quest for identity. They compare their experiences, highlighting differences in how they processed emotions and interacted with peers.

Amanda:
"I was a bleeding heart. Like, I felt every injustice in the world." [11:42]

Courtney:
"I was going through so much pain. Middle school was tough because I was bullied so hard by the people who were supposed to be my friends." [62:55]

Impact of Journaling

The trio emphasizes the therapeutic role journaling played in their lives, offering a safe space to vent, reflect, and understand their emotions. Shane and Amanda express admiration for Courtney's candidness in sharing her diaries, while Courtney appreciates the opportunity to revisit her own past.

Shane:
"The more unhinged it is, the more successful of a journal it is. Because that's the point." [21:00]

Courtney:
"I loved it. It felt good for me when other people read mine." [64:42]

Conclusion and Future Plans

As the episode wraps up, Shane, Amanda, and Courtney contemplate the enduring impact of their teenage experiences on their present selves. They express a desire to continue sharing and possibly dramatizing more journal entries in future episodes, inviting listeners to engage and share their thoughts.

Amanda:
"Don't be a poser. Don't be a wicked poser, kid." [65:03]

Shane:
"Make it happen for us." [64:54]

Courtney:
"I would love if you can bring more of these entries and, like, we can maybe do a smash pit theater." [64:47]

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Shane on Journaling:
  "The more unhinged it is, the more successful of a journal it is. Because that's the point." [21:00]

• Amanda on Emotional Expression:
  "I was a bleeding heart. Like, I felt every injustice in the world." [11:42]

• Courtney on Vulnerability:
  "I was going through so much pain. Middle school was tough because I was bullied so hard by the people who were supposed to be my friends." [62:55]

• Shane Reflecting on Past Entries:
  "When I was a teenager, in a certain way, just like, I was trying so hard to just be like, frick." [46:24]

---

Final Thoughts

Episode #18 of Smosh Mouth offers an intimate exploration of the hosts' formative years through the lens of their teenage journals. With Courtney Miller's insightful participation, the episode not only entertains but also resonates with listeners who have navigated similar emotional landscapes during their adolescence. By sharing personal anecdotes and reflective thoughts, Shane and Amanda create a compelling narrative that underscores the universal challenges of growing up.

---

Note: This summary excludes advertisements and non-content sections, focusing solely on the meaningful discussions and personal revelations shared by the hosts and their guest.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Shane]

The Chumbalaya sponsored by Chumba Casino. No purchase necessary. VGW Group void where prohibited by law 21/ Terms and Conditions apply. Welcome back to Smosh Mouth. I'm Shane.

[Amanda]

And I'm Amanda. And we have our special guest here, Courtney Miller.

[Courtney Miller]

Howdy.

[Amanda]

You're back.

[Shane]

You're back.

[Courtney Miller]

I'm back. I haven't been on since the first episode.

[Shane]

That's crazy. And look at what we've. What we've done.

[Amanda]

Look at that.

[Courtney Miller]

So exciting.

[Shane]

We changed the name. We've got a sign.

[Amanda]

We have a sign.

[Shane]

And that's about it.

[Courtney Miller]

And that's all.

[Amanda]

Yep. And we're. We've grown a lot.

[Courtney Miller]

Your name has changed. You put the word mouth in it.

[Shane]

Thank you, Jennifer Coolidge.

[Courtney Miller]

Sorry, I just really love.

[Amanda]

Thank you, Jennifer. Never apologize for Jen.

[Shane]

What have you been up to since you were last here? You haven't talked.

[Courtney Miller]

I've been up to a lot.

[Amanda]

Weird. I've talked to Courtney.

[Courtney Miller]

I haven't talked to her because I got to be a part of the first episode where we talked about this crazy Smosh announcement.

[Amanda]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

That involved a lot of changes, and so that included me. Like I. I direct Smosh pit videos now. Other fun stuff that's coming. So, yeah, it's been just. Just working, working, working it out.

[Shane]

Just really working it out.

[Amanda]

Right now she's working it like, we got bought back. Anyways, it's totally different now. Yeah, we're like, you're, like, settled now. You're like, settled into the crazy change.

[Courtney Miller]

Yes. Yeah, we're in the groove.

[Shane]

We're totally in the groove. And we don't give a shit that Anthony's back now. It's just regular, everyday life.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Amanda]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

I bully him now. I just push him. I used to be like. I used to be like, hey, Anthony, when he entered the office, but now I just shove him into a trash.

[Amanda]

Oh, I remember when it was like, you see Anthony? And I was like, hello, Anthony, welcome. And you give him a hug. And now it's just like, what's up, bro? It's good to see you.

[Shane]

What's up, loser?

[Amanda]

What's up, loser?

[Shane]

Smack him in the face. So today, what we're going to talk about a little bit. Last week we talked about. We talked about dating and we talked about our dating histories. This week, I want to get fully into who we were in middle school and high school and what life was like for us in middle school and high school, what our POV was. A large part of that inspiration is because a big thing on the channels over the years is, Courtney, you've brought your high school diary.

[Courtney Miller]

Middle school and high school. Yeah.

[Shane]

And you were very vulnerable to read that stuff and to have us perform it. And it's always gold.

[Courtney Miller]

It's such a cool story how that series happened too. Cause it was like we. Josh Mattingly, who was directing the channel at the time, just like trusted me with this idea where I found my old middle school diaries. And I was like, yeah, I just wanna share them. But it felt so weird to have these diaries with people's actual names and stuff. So I was like, maybe I should write em separately. And then I was like, oh my God, I should script these out and have everybody be casted as the characters from my life. And it was such a wild shoot. And everyone was really, really supportive when we did that. And then the Defy shutdown happened and we almost lost that footage forever. And I begged and asked around about it, and I'm so glad I did because they were able to secure those drives with the old footage that was never put to edit. They had the Defy Media watermark on them. And Kevin Rigg, who was our producer editor at the time, really worked close with me. And like, we got to actually do it. And it went so well. And then it became like a series of that. Of those diaries.

[Shane]

That's really great.

[Amanda]

So cool. Amazing.

[Shane]

We did lose the footage of. Was it Noah and I doing you and Olivia's makeup or. I just remember there's. We did a video where I genuinely. Not as a joke, not trying to be silly, I genuinely tried to do Olivia's makeup. And it was a train wreck. And I felt horrible. I felt horrible. Cause I genuinely tried. But it was when I realized I'm like, I have no fucking clue how like makeup colors are supposed to work. I do not understand any of this. And I felt. I actually felt like shit.

[Amanda]

I wanna read you.

[Shane]

I felt like shit. Cause I genuinely. I went into it being like, I wanna try to make Olivia, like, Olivia looks great. But I was like, I wanna make her makeup look great. And I just couldn't do it. And I was like, ah, this is hard.

[Amanda]

I would love a redo. And maybe on me.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Amanda]

I feel like every time I'm on set rather than here, makeup artists make me look, like, not like myself. They make me look like. Like an Armenian princess. I don't know what it is.

[Courtney Miller]

We need to bring, like, a picture of what we look like when we do have makeup to show them. Be like, do this.

[Shane]

Oh. Kind of like the Mario party game where you try to.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. Or.

[Amanda]

Or just go. Just go hard. Because makeup artists who are professional will look at me and go, I know exactly what to do. And I'm like, where am I going? Am I going to the Oscars but in Spain?

[Shane]

Where am I headed?

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, my God. But, yeah, that was. That was really cool. And for years, I've wanted someone else to, like, step up to the plate and maybe show their diaries. It's very vulnerable, so I've completely understood why no one else has done it. We got Angela's old AOL chats, which is funny. Amazing. And I see you have some. Are there some props?

[Amanda]

So these are two journals. Here's the thing. I have a huge bin full of journals. I journaled since I was, like, could read and write. My first journal was a 101 Dalmatian journal that had a lock and key on it. I have so many journals, it was just like, what I love to do. I loved Lisa Frank. I was obsessed with Lisa Frank. So I had all Lisa Frank's erasers. So these are just two, and they're specifically age 14.

[Shane]

Wow. All of that was just 14 and 15.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane]

Holy crap.

[Courtney Miller]

Filled one per year. Like a one journal per age. So. Yeah, I get you.

[Amanda]

But the fun thing is.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, what is that?

[Amanda]

One of them is for school. So one of them, actually, we had to keep a journal in school. And what I wrote in school is fucked up. My English teacher would go through it and read it, and I'm like, why did I ever write this? This stuff?

[Shane]

So first, Amanda, could you explain what's on the COVID of this dress from what. What year was this?

[Amanda]

The year was 2002.

[Shane]

2002. I know the context is important when looking at this cover.

[Amanda]

2002. Ashton Kutcher's on the top on the COVID in 2002.

[Shane]

That makes a lot of sense.

[Amanda]

Great timing. The word beach cutout from a magazine is on the COVID Lips. Like a picture of lips Cool. Aquarius, which I am an Aquarius. And Vin Diesel.

[Courtney Miller]

Vin Diesel from Fast and the Furious.

[Shane]

Hell yeah.

[Amanda]

But it's when Vin Diesel listen.

[Shane]

Yeah, Vin Diesel first.

[Amanda]

Fast and the Furious.

[Shane]

Fast and Furious one. Vin Diesel is not the same as current Vin Diesel.

[Courtney Miller]

You have so many little scribbles on here too. You have like. You started to write your name but stopped so it's just a man.

[Amanda]

You know why? Because I don't think a pen could penetrate that cover.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. I see English journal. I see some numbers that are not.

[Shane]

Sure on the back. I see you wrote English journal. English journal. I love you.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, you always as a teenager for somebody just want to write I love you group.

[Amanda]

I heart you.

[Shane]

Group B. You must have been put in group.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

B at one point.

[Amanda]

Probably group baby.

[Shane]

And then you wrote Amanda Lehan.

[Amanda]

Yeah.

[Shane]

So wow.

[Courtney Miller]

Why didn't you write Amanda Lehan canto?

[Amanda]

That was not born yet. It was ACL forever. So that's my English one. And this is like my home one. This is the Dreamtime journal. This is the journal of a dreamer.

[Shane]

So these aren't dreams? They're. No, you were just.

[Amanda]

No, none of these are dreams. In fact, I hope they're not dreams because they're like. What the fuck is going on? What the fuck?

[Courtney Miller]

Amazing. Amazing.

[Amanda]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Guys, 2002, I think I was in second or third grade.

[Amanda]

Wow.

[Courtney Miller]

My parents were freshly divorced.

[Shane]

Ooh, fun, fun.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. Interesting times.

[Amanda]

Okay, also don't forget that there's. There's print out pictures of who my crushes were celebrities. This is Leonardo DiCaprio.

[Courtney Miller]

No way.

[Amanda]

Amanda's love. Oh, my. I love you exclamation mark. My future husband. He's only about 14 years older. Love at first sight. Heart x heart.

[Courtney Miller]

Love at first sight.

[Amanda]

I've never seen of the picture. Yeah, man. And then there's Charlie Hunnam. Sons of Anarchy.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, look at the goons.

[Amanda]

And then do you guys remember these? You guys remember these?

[Courtney Miller]

Hold on.

[Amanda]

Do you guys remember.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, the last scraping.

[Amanda]

You could scrape it.

[Courtney Miller]

Can we just. Can we just point out that you have like an Internet pop up on the side or something and it has Vin Diesel early skin. Oh, yeah. Vin Diesel's on the side.

[Amanda]

Oh my God. I didn't even know. My love.

[Shane]

Vin Diesel, Amanda's biggest crush.

[Amanda]

I love that.

[Courtney Miller]

These are just like souvenirs.

[Shane]

So. Okay, before we get into these journals, I want you to give us a little bit more background on who. Who you were at 14. What kind of 14 year old were you? What group did you Fit in with.

[Amanda]

At school, I really had to read through here. So I was never part of one group.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Amanda]

I was, as we talked about last week with Chance, I was part of a lot of sports teams. Heavy in the theater department and friends with a lot of different groups. So at lunch, I sat with different groups of people. I like, didn't have one group that was like my soul group. Right. Like, I sat with like the cheerleaders. They were called Jack Em.

[Shane]

What?

[Amanda]

They were called Jack Em. It was all their first. All their first love. Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Jack Em off.

[Amanda]

They were called Jack Em. I sat with all different groups of people. I was never really part of one group.

[Shane]

That's kinda cool.

[Amanda]

But I was heavy into theater.

[Shane]

So you got along with everyone.

[Amanda]

I got along with everyone. But for me, I had three sisters, right. And two of them were in the.

[Shane]

School, usually with me, but they were older.

[Amanda]

So I was always seen as Nicole's younger sister.

[Shane]

Allie's younger sister, for sure. Right. One of my brothers had that. Cause my oldest brother was like a senior when he was a sophomore.

[Courtney Miller]

So, yeah, it's kind of like a blessing, weirdly, when you have an older sibling at your school.

[Amanda]

It can be a blessing or it can be like. My sisters were very protective. So it was like, she's off limits. It was very, like, off limits, right? Like very. So, like, which was great. You know, I never dated anyone in my sister's grades ever. That was like, not my style. But when I was 14, I had to go back and really read my journals. Like, I was. I felt everything. I'm sure every 14, but I literally was like a bleeding heart. Like, I felt every injustice in the world. I wrote about.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

That's.

[Amanda]

I wrote about people being mean to people. I wrote about things. I learned it on, you know, the news. On the news. I was like a bleeding heart. And every sister was my enemy.

[Shane]

Were you?

[Jennifer Coolidge]

Were you?

[Shane]

Were you, like, I'm trying to picture you. Were you, like, into poetry? Were you like a 14 year old.

[Amanda]

Who I was in song lyrics.

[Shane]

Okay, that's good.

[Amanda]

Charlotte.

[Shane]

There you go.

[Amanda]

Jewel. Avril Lavigne. I was heavy into song lyrics. I wrote. I was reading a journal and I was like, this sounds like a good Charlotte song. Oh, it is. Cause it is a good Charlotte.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

Cause they're talking about the lifestyles of.

[Shane]

The rich and the famous.

[Amanda]

No, this was terrible.

[Shane]

Definitely.

[Amanda]

So, yeah, I was a part of every group. I loved theater. I was heavy into my family. Like, I had a lot of family events. Like, I would stay with my grandmother A bunch. My family and I would go on vacations. I was very, like. I was a busy fucking kid.

[Shane]

Yeah, it sounds like it.

[Amanda]

I was working and in a sport and doing theater.

[Shane]

Holy shit.

[Amanda]

Yeah, I was really busy.

[Courtney Miller]

You want some school with those extracurriculars?

[Shane]

What play were you guys?

[Amanda]

Oh, we were doing. We did. My God, we did so many. Oh, we did Footloose.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Amanda]

But here's the thing about me and plays.

[Courtney Miller]

Sorry.

[Amanda]

I was always cast as the mom. It didn't matter if I had braces. I was the mother.

[Shane]

Were you at fortunate?

[Courtney Miller]

Sorry.

[Shane]

No, no, go ahead.

[Courtney Miller]

You've been.

[Amanda]

I've been in the game since you were. Listen, the big suits, they would put on big shoulder pad suits and I had braces and I'd be like, you need to not go outside now.

[Shane]

How tall were you at 14? Were you 6 foot?

[Amanda]

No, I was like 5 10.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Amanda]

I was really, really tall.

[Shane]

That's what happened.

[Amanda]

And I had very big boobs because it's written all over my journal.

[Courtney Miller]

Wow. I'll read one.

[Amanda]

That's.

[Shane]

Here's the first page. I have big boobs.

[Amanda]

I'll read one that's about that.

[Courtney Miller]

So normal in diaries. I also feel like, why is it all, like, the best theater women had the best boobs.

[Amanda]

Oh. And they were always.

[Shane]

I'm sorry, what? What? What? What? What do you say?

[Courtney Miller]

I just was like. Whenever I was at. When I was in high school, the high school theater women, the women in the theater program was like, wow. Everybody's like, you're all so developed. Like, what's. Where's. Where's mine?

[Amanda]

We were so developed. And then they covered us up in weird shoulder pad, like, big blouses.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, Yeah, I know, I know, I know. It was weird that I said that.

[Shane]

No, I just. I just wanted not to move past it.

[Courtney Miller]

I wasn't straight.

[Amanda]

Yeah. Yeah. All the women were fully developed and all the men were. We, you know, they were. Yeah. As Chance we're talking about. They were all mainly gay.

[Shane]

Courtney, what did you think of Pippin? Boobs. Okay, okay. I think we get a good idea. Generally.

[Amanda]

Bleeding Heart. Bleeding heart, but also super angry.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

I mean, yeah.

[Shane]

14 year olds are angry.

[Amanda]

So angry. I said fucking a lot.

[Shane]

So your favorite band, Good Charlotte. I don't think they were my favorite favorite guy. Vin Diesel. Bleeding heart.

[Amanda]

Stop. Yeah. I was wicked pissed all the time.

[Shane]

Oh, that's also. That's true. This is also east coast, so every.

[Amanda]

I was wicked pissed at everybody.

[Courtney Miller]

Wicked pissed.

[Amanda]

Everyone. I was wicked pissed. All my sisters Was like, what a bitch. She came into my room again. Like, I was wicked pissed and I was so boy crazy. I was. But like, I felt like I was like. It was like Wuthering heights in like 2000s Boston. Like it was very like every guy that I talked about was like the love of my life.

[Shane]

This motherfucker Mr. Darcy has the fucking balls to come talk to me.

[Amanda]

My accent was not that thick, but I wish it was.

[Shane]

All right, do we want to hop.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

Into one of these?

[Amanda]

Okay. Also, I learned a trend about myself. I would be really intense on one subject and be like, anyways, I'm having a party this year. Yep, yep.

[Courtney Miller]

That's so normal.

[Shane]

You wrote in this with zero intention of ever showing it to anyone, I'm guessing.

[Amanda]

Oh, never.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Amanda]

Never. In fact, I know we've talked about journals, how sometimes you know when you write a journal and you're like, oh, what if someone reads this? I might edit it a little bit. This is very. This is completely unedited. So much so that I had to.

[Courtney Miller]

Go back and like, you say bye in your journals. I saw sometimes you said bye babe to your journal.

[Amanda]

Yep, I'll say bye babe. And I say blah a lot. And I go, ha ha ha ha ha. A ton.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh yeah. I feel like that's just normal for the title.

[Shane]

That's standard fame.

[Courtney Miller]

Ha ha ha ha. Blah, blah blah.

[Amanda]

Like what?

[Courtney Miller]

Huge.

[Amanda]

Also, I'll probably only read like half the page because the other half sometimes it gets very weird.

[Shane]

That's okay. You can. It's your diary. You're allow.

[Amanda]

Here's one that I was reading to Shane. Okay. 92602. George Bush, question mark. I never noticed the shape of his head. He keeps saying head. Their head. Does he understand what he's saying? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Anyways. Spelled N E ways. Yeah. Omg. Today is me and Tony's one year and two month anniversary. Weird. Told you.

[Courtney Miller]

You dated a boy for that long?

[Amanda]

Yeah, I had a four year relationship when I was 12.

[Shane]

George Bush is weird.

[Amanda]

We. Oh, also it's our one year and two month anniversary. Weird. We aren't talking at all. It's happening.

[Courtney Miller]

You guys are just like, I had the label.

[Amanda]

Maybe we just weren't meant to be. I don't know what to do. I'm confused. Very confused. Or should I say Bridget in vc? Whatever. I was obsessed with Bridget Jones diary.

[Courtney Miller]

God.

[Amanda]

Whatever. It's all just too stupid. God, this is annoying harsh. Okay, so I also gave code names regardless, so I don't know Even know who this.

[Shane]

You don't know who these people are?

[Amanda]

Harsh is a code name and I don't know who it is. Harsh is pissing me off. She acts like she's the woman. Ah, song stuck in my head. Other sister at wedding. Don't know.

[Shane]

This is like your notes app when we stuff.

[Amanda]

And I also gave code names. I even went through here being like, who is femme? I had a code name. Fem Femme. I don't even know who that is.

[Courtney Miller]

You had code names?

[Shane]

That's so funny.

[Amanda]

So why was I in a one year, two month anniversary and we weren't talking at all?

[Shane]

What? Wait. George Bush's head? What about his head?

[Courtney Miller]

It looks like a lemon. Can I read one?

[Amanda]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Can I like read one like out loud? Like as you.

[Amanda]

Let me find one. Yeah, let me find one that you can read the whole thing.

[Shane]

Some of these, right? Like.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, I had to read through and I used like post it notes to flag which ones were good to read because it's like, It's a lot of mess.

[Amanda]

Yeah. Yep. Give me. Oh, you might. You could read this one maybe. This one's a lot.

[Courtney Miller]

And anything you want we can cut out, you know, like.

[Shane]

No, we're not cutting anything.

[Amanda]

Okay, you can read this one. This one's. This one. This one's kind of intense.

[Courtney Miller]

Okay, I'm gonna be.

[Amanda]

This one's kind of intense. It's not. Yeah, okay.

[Courtney Miller]

November 11, 2002. Anger talk. Anger talk. Underlined. Hi. Haven't talked to you in a while. I have to talk to you about anger. Anger can control people very much. Sometimes I say things I don't mean just because I'm pissed. I really regret it. One time in anger, my BF swore at me and I swore back at him and he was like. He was like. Next time he heard me swear and knew. Yeah, you were like crazy. So he. So he. Oh, okay. So different guy.

[Amanda]

Yeah, different guy.

[Courtney Miller]

Okay. So I swore back at him and Ben was like, next time he heard me swear and knew Johnny made me mad, so he beat Johnny up. That just caused violence. I like Ben and Johnny, but it was my fault that that caused Johnny's black eye. Whatever. It's done all over. I get angry a lot and regret a lot. It's normal. I guess you can say I can be a bitch a lot. Yeah, you could say, but I'm trying to be nice. Maybe I am. But we'll see when. When you.

[Amanda]

When you know me more.

[Courtney Miller]

When you get to know me more. Bye. Anger wants to take over But I won't let it.

[Shane]

You made two guys get in a fight.

[Amanda]

Yes, I did.

[Shane]

That's awesome.

[Amanda]

Yes, I did.

[Shane]

Way to go, Anger.

[Amanda]

That was great.

[Courtney Miller]

That's a good one.

[Amanda]

You read the whole thing?

[Courtney Miller]

You wrote about like anger as a theme.

[Amanda]

I write. I wrote a lot of themes.

[Courtney Miller]

I wish mine was as coherent as that.

[Shane]

Yours is so coherent. Mine acted it out.

[Courtney Miller]

But like one journal entry would be like, ugh, he was so mean to me. Here's my outfit for tomorrow. And then like a shitty drawing of my outfit. And then.

[Amanda]

Anyway, that's mainly mine. Like literally. Wait, wait.

[Shane]

I think the more unhinged it is, the more successful of a journal it is. Because that's the point.

[Amanda]

Yeah, you're supposed to be unhinged. Like, I feel like I. I was telling Shane that I feel like a.

[Shane]

Lot of it wrote like so much.

[Amanda]

Oh, every single one of these pages. Here's one. 1803, January 1, 2003. I wrote that out. I don't know why. Hey, today is a good day. Hahaha. I just figured out that I have no friends. And then I wrote. And then I wrote sad face. Then I wrote, hahaha. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah. Anyways, school is very hard. Very hard. Midterms. Hard, hard, hard, hard, hard. Anyways, I want to love someone. Ah, actually I like, we'll call him Mark. For some reason I had a dream about him and I love him. He's wicked hot. Everyone in my grade is. I won't say what this word is. I'll say dumb. Especially femme, which is a code word. Psycho. But not hopscotch. Bye.

[Courtney Miller]

And then a little flower.

[Amanda]

And then a little flower.

[Courtney Miller]

Wow. You say wicked like unironically.

[Amanda]

Oh, I said wicked all the time. My first year when I moved here and I worked in a bar. Everyone's like, that's wicked awesome, right? I'm like, yeah, it is wicked awesome.

[Shane]

They're like, way to go Matt Damon. Loser.

[Amanda]

I say wicked all the time.

[Shane]

Yeah, you're from Boston.

[Amanda]

My family still says wicked.

[Shane]

Yeah, they're in Boston.

[Courtney Miller]

I know, I love it. It's just great seeing like I never picture like a kid saying.

[Shane]

I know, picturing a 14 year old saying it is very funny to me.

[Amanda]

You, you, you can read one. This one's just dumb.

[Shane]

Okay, I'm gonna give this a shot. So this is February 3rd, 2003. A Monday. You wrote Monday Mondays. Damn, I forgot my black clip again. Underlined at Brits. You can say it at Brits. You didn't that R is. That's just two eyes and two T's. When she's probably wearing it right now and probably going to loose it. Ah, I'll be so pissed. So pissed. Oh, man. Anyways, I'm pretty sure everyone invited can come to my party. Okay, let's see. And then you got a bunch of names. Celebrate good Brit times. Come on. There's like a weird squiggle down the middle of this fighting stuff.

[Courtney Miller]

All the names.

[Shane]

Come on. So bring your good times and your laughter. Oh, you're quoting Earth, Wind and Fire. Because we're gonna celebrate and party with you. Come on, dad. Ali and Cole know about Wilkes and I don't know what's happening.

[Courtney Miller]

Some people can. Are really like. Some people are better at reading.

[Shane]

I'm not good at reading.

[Courtney Miller]

I said have a talent.

[Amanda]

I said celebrate with you. Oh, my God. Mom, dad, Ally, Nicole know about Wilkes and Bob and me driving around with them. I'm sorry, but I didn't get grounded or anything. By Amanda.

[Shane]

Nice. So, wow, that's impressive that you can read that. I have no idea what was happening.

[Amanda]

Why? Because my handwriting is like, more like cursive.

[Shane]

It's. It's similar to cursive, but not quite.

[Amanda]

The thing that I realize is I get really mad at the top. And then I think I realize, oh, things are good. Things are happening. I'm happy.

[Shane]

Would you write at the same time every day? Like, would it be like at 9pm I'm gonna. I sit down, I write my journal.

[Amanda]

No, I. I wrote like every day. I still. Amanda, pretty much journal every day.

[Shane]

That's great.

[Amanda]

It's just like something. But usually why it's like scribbly is. Cause my thoughts are getting out faster than my pen.

[Shane]

Sure.

[Amanda]

And I think this one specifically was for English class. So my English teacher is reading all of this. Just heads up what he's reading all this? Cause he's responding sometimes.

[Shane]

Wait, what?

[Amanda]

What?

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, yeah, it's normal.

[Amanda]

It's an English class and we had to read it. And this is what I wrote about. And my English teacher would respond, I.

[Shane]

Why is this so foreign to me?

[Amanda]

My.

[Courtney Miller]

My high school had this. Like, my. One of our English teachers did it and other ones didn't, but he was. I had him for a different class and he was like the best teacher at that school. And I was always jealous that I didn't get to have that because, like, that's. That to me, felt like more parenting than I, like had gotten as a kid. It was like. Yeah, because like, I was never honest my feelings to my parents.

[Shane]

What would he respond? Like, yeah, George. George Bush's head does look weird.

[Amanda]

I'm trying to look. This was his handwriting.

[Courtney Miller]

But yeah, it's like you could just. Because they're not going to judge you for. For stuff.

[Amanda]

This is what he wrote. Hey, happy day. First congrats on quarter one. Amazing work. I think you can do better, G. But I love having you as a student because you're always smiling. Try hard and have a fantastic attitude. It was cool to meet your mom. She rules. I hope science gets better. Just keep working at it. I remember last year in writing lab, you and Brittany hated me. This is what my teacher wrote. I thought you were still gonna hate me this year. Anyways, what else happens? Have fun at the semi. Be careful with bm. He also has a code name. I know exactly who he's talking about. He is. Well, you know, I ain't writin it. I think you rule. Be happy.

[Courtney Miller]

What?

[Amanda]

That's my teacher. So I think. I think in. Earlier in here, I'm writing code names.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Amanda]

About boys. And he's like, be careful.

[Shane]

Oh, careful.

[Courtney Miller]

He's getting nice even not knowing who they are.

[Shane]

That's funny.

[Courtney Miller]

I honestly, I think teachers like this are so sweet because it's like way more humanizing. And it's not like this was like an unchecked curriculum. Like, obviously there was no. I feel like it was always like very appropriate, you know. And I thought it was so cool that people got to have a journal like that was part of their curriculum. Like that was not. I never had that in any of my classes, but I did journal all the time.

[Shane]

Yeah. You have like a million.

[Courtney Miller]

I literally had a million as well. Yeah.

[Shane]

So wait, how many journals do you have at this point?

[Amanda]

Oh, so many.

[Shane]

I don't know, like over a dozen.

[Amanda]

No, like 20 or.

[Shane]

Holy shit. So there's.

[Amanda]

There's a whole like storage box filled with them.

[Shane]

If I had been in a class like this where I had to write in a journal and the teacher would read it, I'd be writing like today. I studied a lot more. I really love school. And I would just be lying. I wouldn't be confessing anything.

[Amanda]

Well, I would never.

[Shane]

I would. I would totally lie every day.

[Courtney Miller]

Because you want to impress them, huh?

[Shane]

Yes. Me 14, I would have written insane shit. I'd have been like.

[Amanda]

Funny is. I always thought I was like. Like that. But after reading this, I'm like, oh my God. I really say everything I'm feeling.

[Courtney Miller]

I Also think you get to a certain point in those journals. Well, maybe. Maybe at first you're trying to write like a student.

[Amanda]

Yeah. Look. Look at this handwriting.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Amanda]

I think some of them, I'm like, hello, miss. Hello, mister. How are you? I hate March so much. It's busy. I don't know.

[Shane]

Do you think your teacher was actually reading it? Cause you know his. Yeah, he's responding to things. Oh. Cause I was gonna say that first note was just like, yeah, it's pretty good. You probably do better.

[Amanda]

I know. I also hate the teacher.

[Courtney Miller]

As a teacher, though, I would be so interested in something like this because I think it's a great way to understand your students and then also humanize yourself and responding. The fact that he acknowledged that you guys used to hate him. Interesting. But, like, I know.

[Amanda]

I read that and I was like, that's a little weird.

[Courtney Miller]

It is interesting that he brought that.

[Amanda]

Up, that he said that.

[Shane]

Hey, guys, Just a quick break from.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

The diaries to let you know.

[Shane]

This episode of Smosh Mouth is brought to you by BetterHelp. Amanda, are you a fan of therapy?

[Amanda]

Oh, yeah. Huge fan of therapy. I started therapy when I was younger, and I feel like it really helped me understand my anxiety and how to handle it. What about you?

[Shane]

I actually didn't start it until I was in my 20s, and it was immense for me. I know it can be tough for people because of the schedules and stuff.

[Amanda]

Oh, yeah. And I feel like if you wanna start therapy, doing betterhelp is really beneficial because it's very accessible. It's entirely online. It works with your schedule, and all you have to do is fill out a questionnaire. You can find the therapist that you like, and if you're like, not for me, you can change it and they don't charge you.

[Shane]

Sounds great.

[Amanda]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Make your brain your friend. With BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.comsmoshmouth today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.com/smoshmouth. All right, back to our diaries.

[Amanda]

Okay, here we go. But here. Here's one that I wrote that he definitely read. I don't know where his response is, but 2. 2403. Hey, everyone is pissing me off. Mark told everyone about how I said Mike kisses like a horse. Omg.

[Shane]

Wicked. Awesome.

[Amanda]

Everyone is so full of gossip. It pisses me off. I fucking hate them all.

[Shane]

Damn.

[Amanda]

Especially whatever I call him. First Mark, then I say his last name. He's such a God. What the hell? I hope this all Blows over calmly that this will probably turn into a mess.

[Courtney Miller]

Wow. Wow.

[Amanda]

I'm like wicked pissed. Like, completely pissed off.

[Shane]

I love how back and forth you go, yeah, I hope this all gets solved. It probably fucking won't. I hope we're all friends. I hate.

[Amanda]

Which is why. Which is why, like, going off of your inspiration, like, which is why I think it'd be so fun to perform.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Amanda]

Because. Okay, he go. And then I go, God, I just want to shake Bobby and say, why? Why did you do this? Why do you have to be so mean? Why do you be such a fudgeing dickhead? No, I'm steaming. I'm mad at Amy too. Like, I can't. Like, what? Like, please. What a fucking son of a bitch.

[Shane]

And your teacher's like, I think you could do better. I think let's look up some synonyms and we could try to like, why.

[Amanda]

Did he let me say any of this?

[Courtney Miller]

I think that's cool. I think he was kind of. It's like a judge free zone if you're just like writing. And maybe he meant, like, do you.

[Shane]

Think he would ever go over to Mike and be like, hey, you should watch your back, Amanda.

[Amanda]

Yeah. Yeah. You can read the teacher. I don't think he touches on any of like the. No being pissed or anything. You can read the teacher's response.

[Courtney Miller]

Dear Amanda, hello. March is not so good.

[Amanda]

Mind you, he looked like Professor Snape.

[Courtney Miller]

Okay, this is what he looks like. Dear Amanda, hello. March is not so good. I think it is long, too cold, etc. I like April. I love spring warm days. May is my favorite. My birthday is 26th. I will expect a gift. I'm not sure about the MCAs.

[Amanda]

See, that's the thing. He. Code names. I think he's giving me code names.

[Courtney Miller]

I have to ask because that was the first I heard of it. I think the Six Flags trip will be fun. I love Superman and I really want to go to Washington as a chaperone. And there is no room. What?

[Amanda]

What?

[Courtney Miller]

What?

[Amanda]

Maybe weird.

[Courtney Miller]

I may. I may pay my own way. Maybe it may get cancelled. Don't worry about the history paper. There are like seven weeks left. Just keep at the research. I will show you the format as we proceed. You will? You will?

[Amanda]

I don't know.

[Courtney Miller]

You will. Define.

[Amanda]

Define.

[Courtney Miller]

Trust me. Luck. Well, keep up the good work. You will be fine. Well, keep up the good work. Be happy. Peace. Mr. S. 100%.

[Shane]

He hardly touches on anything you say because why?

[Amanda]

It would be weird if he was like, yeah, that guy Fucking pissed me off, dude.

[Shane]

I think that guy was just phoning it in. I think he's like, yes. I.

[Courtney Miller]

Maybe he's trying to like show you what proper job.

[Shane]

I think he's like, this is what I'm looking for. Talk about how Six Flags is cool because you like Superman maybe do that.

[Courtney Miller]

I don't.

[Amanda]

He was a good teacher.

[Courtney Miller]

Why is he talking about like I want to be a chaperone on the West.

[Amanda]

He was a good teacher.

[Courtney Miller]

My way.

[Amanda]

It is a little weird that he was like I thought you guys hated me.

[Courtney Miller]

It's like this guy is a little too invested in a teenage opinions. That's so funny. Okay, so this is your personal non school journal.

[Amanda]

This is not school.

[Shane]

Were you writing in these at the same time?

[Amanda]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Amanda]

This was like. It's still a lot of like pissed me off.

[Shane]

It looks like a recipe book.

[Amanda]

Drawing stupid. Oh yeah, lots of drawings. Look it. I drew an eye classic. Now I see the planet orbit around the sun from my point of view.

[Courtney Miller]

Wow. So beautiful guys.

[Shane]

Pretty cool.

[Amanda]

And then it's like, I hate my fucking sister. She's such a bitch.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh my gosh. I think I was afraid to swear sometimes in my journal cause it was like a sin.

[Shane]

Cause God it is.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Shane]

No purchase necessary vgw group void where prohibited by law 21 + terms and conditions apply.

[Courtney Miller]

God was watching.

[Shane]

Did you think God was reading your journals?

[Courtney Miller]

I think so. Because there was a journal on like the first time I kissed a girl. I wrote that I was going to hell in red colored pencil. And I was like, I'm sorry, I have sinned. And like I was like as if I was writing to him.

[Amanda]

That's. See, it's so funny people. It's so different. Like I. I was like, these journals are the only place that I can truly be totally myself and not really caring. Like I did write. Watch over me, angel. I wish I could be a good artist. But at least I'm lucky in a unique talent. Singing kinda.

[Shane]

Aw. There you go. Courtney, how many diaries do you think you had throughout your teenage years.

[Courtney Miller]

Okay. So I showed I think three or four of them in the videos, but. And those were like, the journals. So. And then, like, probably had random ones here and there of, like, other notebooks that I would write in. So I would say at least eight, like, within from sixth grade to ninth or 10th grade. And then after that, stuff kind of got different. I was like, yeah, Became very online and, like, started. I used to, like, have weird, like, Tumblr journal entries that are gone now. Same.

[Amanda]

I love Tumblr.

[Courtney Miller]

Tumblr, like, made me realize what feelings were. Like. I feel like the difference between you and me in our diaries was like, you were like, anger, let's talk about anger. And like, I didn't know what, like, how to acknowledge or process my feelings. I was just feeling them. And like, me trying to acknowledge my own feelings almost felt like self absorbed just because of weird ways that I was treated. So, like, I didn't understand. I was like, why? Why is this happening? But never could understand, like, oh, you're feeling this way.

[Amanda]

That's interesting.

[Courtney Miller]

I never had that.

[Amanda]

I think I. Like, we talked about this last episode. I grew up, you know, very Portuguese around my grandparents all the time. I think if I grew up with my dad's family around me a lot, this wouldn't be happening. Because they were Irish, they kind of. They were very kind. They didn't really talk about their feelings. My Portuguese side, everything was unfiltered. Everything was, like, meshed all together. And my mom was very open about her feelings. My, like, anger stood. Sadness, tears. Like, I knew everything that was going on.

[Shane]

Wow.

[Amanda]

I don't know if that was a good thing, but it opened me up to be really emotional. Like, I was very in touch with my emotions and I was so angry, but I was angry. Not just that, like stupid idiots pissing me off, but I was angry at, like, the world.

[Courtney Miller]

Right?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Amanda]

And like, I was going through my journal and I have so many angries about. And this one, actually, I will say angries. This one made me go, oh, no. Like, I was. Okay, let me read this one to you.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, can I read it?

[Amanda]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Is that okay?

[Amanda]

Yep. If there's anything weird in there.

[Courtney Miller]

May 31, 2003. Hey. I feel so self conscious. Everyone calls me big boobs. It's horrible. I just want to slap them and.

[Amanda]

Say, look at me.

[Courtney Miller]

Look at my beauty in me. Just like there is in everyone. I know I'm different, but I wish they could see me, see my beauty, see me for me. And not Just a nobody who's fully developed. Oh, I'm sitting here after getting home from Britt, seeing her new puppy. I just want everyone to love me. Well, not exactly. Me and Britt and other friends were going to sneak out and we fell asleep. And the next morning Bobby said, yeah. Was it because Amanda was being a bitch?

[Jennifer Coolidge]

What?

[Courtney Miller]

See the beauty, not my features. You wrote that in a little mirror on the bottom.

[Amanda]

Wow.

[Courtney Miller]

And a boy was being weird about that. Means your friends were talking about you.

[Amanda]

Behind your back all the time. Boys were talking about me all the time. I would have friends come up to me and be like, this boy wants to try to get with you. This boy wants to try to get with you because he thinks that no one can get with you. That was like the biggest thing. They're like, they think that no one can get with you, so it's his goal to get with you.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, my God.

[Amanda]

So my, my, my like 14 year old self, I would become friends with, with guys who became like, brotherly to me. Like, they became like, very protective. I felt like I had a very protective sense because my sisters were protective, but they got way more protective as I got older.

[Shane]

Sure.

[Amanda]

But I read this and I was like, oh, oh, my goodness. See me for me. And not because I'm fully developed.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, that's so sad. I, meanwhile, I was like, my friends keep calling me bra stuffer, even though I am, and I hate it.

[Shane]

I hate that they know my tricks.

[Courtney Miller]

To make you feel better. I'll tell you something really embarrassing about how boys treated me, which was like, so if I ever found out a boy liked me in my preteens and my early teens, I would be like, oh, I like them too. Because, like, I was, I wanted to be liked and I wanted a boyfriend so bad. So I would be like, oh, I like you too. And they would, if they asked me out, I always said yes. And then it got to a point where, like, this group of boys, like, one would ask me out and then like the next day another would ask me out and be like, oh, no, but I'm, I'm dating this other guy. And. And they'd be like, oh, well, I heard that you'll go out with anybody. And I was like, what, motherfucker?

[Shane]

There's literally no way to win.

[Courtney Miller]

Like, it was like a running gag with these boys. And then they would start just telling people that we were dating. And so I would just like, be like, like this random boy. I had to be like, hey, we're not dating. Like, why Are you telling people that? And he's like, I didn't. And it was like. But he definitely.

[Shane]

And then what do you do after that? I didn't do that.

[Courtney Miller]

So many issues that are so afraid.

[Shane]

Like, it's. It really shows. You cannot win in high school. You're a loser for whatever you do.

[Amanda]

Yeah, exactly.

[Shane]

You date, you're a fucking loser. If you don't date, you're a fucking loser.

[Amanda]

And I think reading through this, it made me realize, okay, all this shit can happen to you, but how do you see the world? And I think this is our last episode with Chance. I feel like since we all come from different things, we see the world differently. But when I read my journal, I was like, oh, wow, okay. I see the world. That's where all that comes from. Like, all that, like, injustice. Because all these fucking idiots that I call horrible names in this. All these sons of bitches, these wicked, wicked idiots are. They'll always do stupid shit forever. And it's just like, I feel like when you journal, you really realize how it makes you feel, and it's so insane. Insane. So it's like when you were talking about, like, being a teen and, like, you know, your.

[Courtney Miller]

Your.

[Amanda]

Your career and you, like, couldn't lose it. But it's like in high school and middle school, that's why people are obsessed with these stories, because it's like everything was at stake. Everything was the most important thing ever. Like, someone calling you a. A boy calling you a.

[Shane]

That's. That was.

[Amanda]

You were just like, my life is over. Like, half this journal is like, I'm hurting. I hate it. Like, you know, it's also.

[Shane]

Though. It's so intense, though. Like, imagine if we went through that type of shit on a daily basis as an adult. Oh, it would be awful if. If. Look, if. If someone. If I came to work and I was here and someone called me a bitch, that probably would be the highlight of my day. I'd be like, yeah, were you there when Noah called me a. That was crazy.

[Courtney Miller]

Our worlds were so much smaller in middle school, where, like, literally our entire world was like, home life, but, like, school. And that bubble was, like, everything.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

Well, you have a bunch of people.

[Shane]

Figuring out life at the exact same time. Of course it's right.

[Courtney Miller]

And they're all just bullying each other on what they think is okay and what they think is normal. And so everyone's just battling of, like, what's normal and what's not, which is so crazy when there's, like, so many different types of kids all together. I was 11 when that, when that dating stuff was happening. Like 11 or 12.

[Amanda]

Oh my God.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Shane]

The fuck yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

What about you, Shane?

[Amanda]

Yeah. What were you like? Kind of. I know a little bit what you were like because you were saying it.

[Courtney Miller]

Last episode and your journals, like what were your journals?

[Amanda]

Did you have journals?

[Shane]

So, yeah, I have. As opposed to you guys. Hearing that you both have like 20 journals is hilarious to me because I did start journaling when I was 15, but from 15 to now I only have two journals. One that I completed and one that I have been still putting entries in since like 2007.

[Amanda]

And why would you write, like, what prompted you to write?

[Shane]

So mine was a little different, I think. And it's very telling of just my mindset. And especially back then, I always wrote like thinking like, who's reading this and what, what? So I never really let it out, like genuinely like how yours. I'm. So you edited yourself? Yeah. So much self editing, which is really interesting and it's, it's interesting in its own way, the self reflection of that. But I'm very impressed by how just open. You both would be in journals. I think that's really cool that you could really just let it all pour out. Because when I write, it's very clear that I am trying to sound a certain way. And then I'm thinking about like, if someone found this journal 100 years from now, what are they gonna think of me? And I'm like, why does that matter so much to me? I'll be dead.

[Amanda]

That's so interesting.

[Courtney Miller]

Cause the best journals that are found years later are the ones where people are so raw and. Oh my God, you brought one too.

[Shane]

Yes. SHANE so this is my, this is the journal that I've been writing in since 2007 that I still write in sometimes since 2007.

[Courtney Miller]

Shane I can't believe this.

[Shane]

Yeah. Okay, so I put a couple marks because like most of them are. I, you know, I, I didn't read through a ton of it and a lot of it's too recent to like be work for this.

[Amanda]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Because like I wrote in it last night, you know, like I. But I sometimes I skip years. Like I go years without writing in it. So. But I kind of like it because you'll be. I look back at the beginning and I'm a teenager. And then you skip to suddenly like I'm 25 and suddenly I'm 28.

[Amanda]

Oh my God.

[Shane]

But you can definitely see. So I've talked about how I wasn't this. I was just kind of a. In my mind, I was just kind of whatever as a teenager. I was trying so hard to just fit in and be liked that I didn't really have, like, a strong personality type. Yeah, but they're absolutely. Deep down, you can tell that the chosen is very much part of who I am. Just, Just in the way I would write and the way I was trying to sound. I was trying to sound so smart and so, like, yeah, it's crazy how the world works. So I, I took a couple here. Yeah, I know.

[Courtney Miller]

Did I see a title called LA Friends?

[Shane]

Yeah. Yeah. I would just try to. I would try to be like, oh, let me just write about all the friends that I have.

[Amanda]

You're not gonna be wicked.

[Shane]

Minor. Minor. Similar to yours, where it's like. It's like I would. I would label something as, like, anger, you know, and I would write about that. I was trying to have this be more about, like, man, if some great.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

Great grandkids someday find this journal, they'll.

[Shane]

Know, like, my lessons on things and I read back on them, like, what the fuck lesson am I trying to teach here? I'm just trying to sound cool. So. This one's called Love and Hate. Whoa. I can't. I, I. As I was reading them last night, I can't help but kind of go into a chosen voice sometimes because that's what it sounds like.

[Courtney Miller]

You need that for yourself for this. Please do it.

[Shane]

I'll start off that way. I often wonder why there's no date on this. But this is 2007.

[Courtney Miller]

Okay.

[Shane]

This is all.

[Amanda]

Doesn't date their journal.

[Shane]

I do. I would, I would date the journals if I was writing, like a journal entry. But they love and interesting.

[Courtney Miller]

Okay.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

Love and hate. I often wonder why some people try so hard to hurt others, to become so hated. People just label them as evil and that's it. But there is a reason for everything. And I think I understand why this is. Love and hate are both very similar in the fat, in the fact that they are both a form of care. When you hate somebody, they matter to you. They are an important factor in your life, regardless if it's a negative or positive one. What people are trying to avoid is complete worthlessness. So in reality, someone who tries to get people to hate them is almost the same, same need as someone who tries to get people to love them. Both of them are forms of attention. The sad thing is, is that often people who are kind are who are kind or try to treat others with respect. Are the ones who don't matter to many people. And those that hurt others are important to many.

[Shane]

The truth, though, is that these.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

Those who hurt are the cheap cowards who get attention the easy way. But hate will never be as gratifying as love. Unfortunately, love is a long and challenging process, and it takes a lot of work and sacrifice. But love lasts forever and is hundreds of times more powerful than hate will ever be.

[Courtney Miller]

Wow. How old were you?

[Shane]

Okay, 17 or 18. Oh, that was me by myself trying to be like, okay, so I'm gonna.

[Amanda]

Write 17 or 18 is like the kind of like the sideswipe hair where it's like, oh, love and hate.

[Shane]

Absolutely.

[Courtney Miller]

That's what, like, those. The, like, mid later teens is when, like, philosophy hits you in the brain really hard.

[Shane]

And that was definitely what I was going for with my journals. I wanted. I wanted to be so deep. I wanted to be so deep when I was a teenager. I was trying so hard, and I look back and I'm like, dude, just relax a little bit. Yeah, you're allowed to think about this stuff.

[Amanda]

It's still deep when you're like, this fucking piece of shit. Like, I want to shake you.

[Shane]

There's a. There's a subreddit called I'm 14 and this is deep. And it's absolutely me. When I was a teenager, in a certain way, just. Just like, I was trying so hard to just be like, frick.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

I'm thinking. I'm thinking about things no one else is thinking about.

[Shane]

It's like everyone's thinking about that.

[Amanda]

But I felt the total opposite. I felt like I was like, I am way too deep. Like, I feel it all. How do I be normal? And it was impossible.

[Shane]

Yeah, I have an entry called Love and Hate. I have another one called Eternity and Infinity. And then I have another one that I marked to read, just called the Purpose to Life.

[Amanda]

Whoa.

[Courtney Miller]

The Purpose to life. You didn't want to say the meaning of life because you felt that was.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

The simple purpose to life.

[Amanda]

You are. You're literally the chosen. You're the chosen.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

People rarely give it much thought, which is both funny and sad. But what would you consider the purpose and meaning to life?

[Amanda]

Please.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

Nobody ever thinks about this.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, my God.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

It's a question that nobody can answer, but often think they can. They live their whole lives chasing things without understanding why. They may accomplish great things, but still never understand their motivation for everything. Although I don't even know what it is, if there is a purpose at all, I can still guess. I believe it Is for happiness, for love and friendship, and for learning. If you notice, you probably do everything for the sake of happiness. You go to school so you can get a good job, so you can make a lot of money and buy nice things so you can be happy.

[Courtney Miller]

Turning into Owen Wilson a little bit.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

The other is lessons.

[Shane]

You know, man, the other is lessons.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

Every day, every experience, and every tragedy is a lesson.

[Shane]

We are. We. We are here to gain wisdom, to.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

Learn about every aspect of life and.

[Shane]

Will continue to do so for as.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

Long as we exist. What is the point of learning in life?

[Shane]

I still cannot think of why.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

Probably some sort of enlightenment.

[Shane]

Something you can only understand once you've figured it out. In the end, I believe we chase our own. We choose our. Sorry. In the end, I believe we choose our own purpose. We can choose to live for greed.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

And hate or love and joy.

[Shane]

We can choose to kill and wage war or give and help others while.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

We live in this world we know so little about.

[Courtney Miller]

Okay, thinking about the Roman Empire.

[Shane]

Every Roman Empire so much.

[Amanda]

We just talked about this on the podcast about the Roman Empire, dudes.

[Courtney Miller]

And the women equivalents. Do you know the women equivalents of the Roman Empire? Princess Diana.

[Amanda]

Princess Diana. Oh, my God.

[Courtney Miller]

The Titanic.

[Amanda]

Oh, the Titanic. 100%.

[Courtney Miller]

For me, the Salem witch trials. Those are our Roman empires.

[Amanda]

I'm literally reading about the Salem witch trials right now.

[Courtney Miller]

I'd be thinking about witches burning all the time.

[Shane]

What I. What I said is, it's for men, it's the Roman Empire. For women, it's Greek mythology.

[Amanda]

Yeah, yeah, he said that. And I was like, that's. That's pretty f. Legit. But it's also witches.

[Courtney Miller]

It's mostly witches, I think, because, like, I. I feel like it makes sense. The reason why men think about it a lot so much is, like, there's. It's a big part of history. I agree. I think I thought about it from.

[Shane]

Time to time, but I've dabbled in the Roman Empire.

[Courtney Miller]

It's like, it's very. It's very, like, stereotypical. Like, this is what a man was in that time, and that was the ultimate, like, power and man and men.

[Amanda]

Where it's the Salem witch trousers. Like, we're just trying to live. We're just trying to have big boobs and knit.

[Shane]

Sneak out.

[Courtney Miller]

I'm trying to knit and make some tea.

[Amanda]

And we're trying to kiss you and not have you kiss like a horse. Dude, that's amazing. Stop drowning.

[Shane]

I have. Okay, now I have some. Some. Some different ones, I think. These are from 2009.

[Amanda]

I think this jumps 2009.

[Shane]

So I'm like 19.

[Courtney Miller]

Or by the way, when you were, I think around the same time you were writing that I was. I like, had my little MacBook and I was like, I think I was trying to Google the meaning of life all the time.

[Shane]

Oh, every teenager's thing about the meaning of life. And I'm sitting here like, nobody thinks about this. It's like, no, Because I don't have friends.

[Amanda]

We have so much self importance when we're doing. We're like, how dare the world hate. On my developed body.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

Absolutely no one understands me.

[Shane]

Okay, so this is just called Favorites. And this is awesome. When I found this, I was like, hell, yeah. So this is just a list of all my favorite things when I'm 19.

[Amanda]

Wow. I have a good follow up for that.

[Shane]

Favorite actor. What do you want to guess? This is 2009. Why about you just guess and then I'll.

[Amanda]

Favorite actor, 2009.

[Shane]

Or I could just read. Why don't I.

[Courtney Miller]

No, I want to guess. Heath Ledger.

[Shane]

It's not Heath Ledger.

[Amanda]

Around that time, though.

[Shane]

2009. This. This is from 2009. So this is. This is a big actor in 2009.

[Amanda]

I'm.

[Shane]

This is. Think more. I want to be Brad Pitt. No, think more. I want to be an actor.

[Amanda]

Oh, okay.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

I want to do good acting.

[Amanda]

Anthony Hopkins.

[Shane]

No, but you're more in line. It's Daniel Day Lewis.

[Amanda]

Oh, my God.

[Shane]

Favorite actor. Daniel Day Lewis. There Will Be Blood.

[Amanda]

Yes.

[Shane]

Favorite actress.

[Courtney Miller]

Dean. Judy Jench.

[Shane]

No, good guess. Also good guess. Let's say that Cat, that category. You're in the right category.

[Courtney Miller]

Was it Reese Witherspoon?

[Amanda]

I'm just kidding.

[Courtney Miller]

Cate Blanchett.

[Shane]

Yep. Oh, it was Cate Blanchett.

[Amanda]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane]

You.

[Amanda]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Favorite movie is. It's two movies. Catch Me if youf can and Forrest Gump.

[Courtney Miller]

Wow.

[Shane]

Favorite comedian. This is too hard. This is very much of that time. No, no, good guess.

[Amanda]

Because this cook was hilarious during that time.

[Shane]

This. But do you remember Dimitri Martin?

[Amanda]

Of course.

[Shane]

During this era. He was huge. I saw him live. He was so funny. Favorite comedy movie. Dumb and Dumber. Favorite band. Do you want to guess what my favorite teenage band was?

[Courtney Miller]

Acdc.

[Amanda]

I'm trying to think of bands back in the day.

[Shane]

This was not this. They weren't big at this time. They were already done.

[Amanda]

Beatles.

[Shane]

No.

[Courtney Miller]

What your brothers liked and like that is.

[Shane]

That is the way to think. It was sublime.

[Courtney Miller]

Sublime.

[Amanda]

I loved sublime.

[Shane]

Sublime is great. I was so, so into It. Favorite music genre? Alternative, comma, rock. Probably could have taken away that comma. Shane.

[Courtney Miller]

ITunes.

[Shane]

Okay, it's 2009. What is my favorite TV show?

[Courtney Miller]

Family Guy.

[Shane]

No. Favorite. Favorite drama. Favorite drama. It's 2000. It's the year 2009.

[Courtney Miller]

The O.C.

[Shane]

No, no, no. What is this? Shane? Who's deep? Who loves really mysterious stuff? What is my favorite TV show in Doctor who?

[Courtney Miller]

Buffy.

[Shane]

No, it was Lost. Yeah. That was the biggest thing at that time. Dream car. Dodge Challenger. Okay. Vin Diesel. They came up with. They came out with a new Dodge Challenger around that time. And I remember thinking was awesome.

[Courtney Miller]

Boys who had. You were a Dodge Challenger teen.

[Shane]

Okay, here's the last one. Here's the last one. I wrote Dream Girls. Who do you think? I have three names. Celebrity crushes.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, my God.

[Shane]

Who do you. If you can get one of them.

[Amanda]

If I can get one of them. Okay, okay, okay. 2009. Oh, Katie Holmes.

[Shane]

Not Katie Holmes.

[Courtney Miller]

What's her name? From Heroes.

[Shane]

It was not. It was not Angelina Jolie. Not Angelina Jolie.

[Courtney Miller]

It wasn't Hayden Panettiere.

[Shane]

It was not Hayden Panettiere.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, no. You want, like. You want, like. You like, you like.

[Shane]

Honestly, one of two of these surprised me. One of them I completely forgot about. One of them makes sense. But you really have to be in the mindset of that year in that time.

[Amanda]

I can't remember that year.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, just do it.

[Shane]

Okay. It's not Megan Fox.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

So the first one.

[Shane]

This one's just such a. Like, whatever. Adriana Lima hot.

[Amanda]

I mean, Orlando. Victoria's Secret Angel.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Okay.

[Amanda]

She was married to Orlando Bloom.

[Courtney Miller]

And then I guess there was Internet.

[Shane]

I was a teenager.

[Amanda]

That was Victor. She was a big Victoria's Secret angel, right?

[Shane]

Yes. She was like the one brown. Yeah, yeah. Alicia Cuthbert. Yeah. Everyone in this room is like, oh, right, the girl next door. That movie. And then also she was in Happy Endings.

[Amanda]

Blonde.

[Courtney Miller]

Love, actually.

[Shane]

Oh, she is in love, actually. Oh, she was. I mean, at that time, very hot. She was.

[Amanda]

Even I watched Girl Next Door and I was like, hot.

[Shane]

Everyone was like, yeah. So those two were, like, obvious for that era. This last one, though, I was like, damn. This was. This was niche. This was. Do you remember Camilla Bell?

[Amanda]

Of course.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Amanda]

Wait a second. Kamiyah Bell was a child actor in one of my favorite movies, Practical Magic. Okay, am I thinking of Camilla Bell?

[Courtney Miller]

I don't. I don't remember.

[Amanda]

She is olive skin, dark hair. Yeah, yeah. She. She played the little girl in Practical Magic.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah. She. She kind of. I Think she doesn't. I haven't seen her in, like, come here.

[Amanda]

About what could she have been in?

[Shane]

I don't know. At that time, I must have seen something that I just.

[Courtney Miller]

She was.

[Amanda]

She was.

[Shane]

Yes, she was. Oh, she was in this. In the second one. Yeah.

[Amanda]

Wait, she was. Oh, God.

[Shane]

Wait.

[Amanda]

Am I not thinking of the right person?

[Shane]

I don't know, but I. I had to Google her.

[Amanda]

Yes, I am thinking of the right person.

[Shane]

I had to Google her. I had to Google her because I was like, wait, I don't remember.

[Amanda]

She's not been in much.

[Courtney Miller]

That's. That's definitely, like, she's in practice.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Amanda]

Thank you.

[Courtney Miller]

I pictured you liking girls with, like, darker hair and darker features.

[Shane]

Like, I mean, this is all because Alicia Cuthbert. Alicia Cuthbert was blonde, light eyes and. Yeah, looks like. Oh, my crushes were all over the place.

[Amanda]

Hello.

[Shane]

Yeah, yours are truly all over the place.

[Amanda]

Diesel. Ashton Kutcher. Leonardo DiCaprio, though.

[Shane]

That makes sense.

[Amanda]

I'll never forget.

[Shane]

That's your Alicia Cuthbert.

[Amanda]

Like, of course, was my number one.

[Shane]

He was Leo.

[Amanda]

Diaries.

[Shane]

That dude was at that time. He was Leo.

[Amanda]

Okay, to follow up on that, I have a don't list.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Amanda]

Don't be a poser. Don't.

[Shane]

That's. Talk about 2003. Holy shit.

[Amanda]

Don't be someone you're not with a. You are. You're not. Don't be hypocritical. Did not spell that right. Don't expect anyone. Don't be this way. Okay. Don't change. Don't always follow me.

[Shane]

Okay. What?

[Amanda]

And then I wrote followers and then I put an X through it.

[Courtney Miller]

What? And that was before Twitter Instagram existed. Here's my 10:34pm oh, yeah, yeah.

[Amanda]

This is Sunday, 10:34pm and then this is love. Completely connecting. Eating greasy foods to un. Upset yourself. Coming together as one. Always caring. Let out creative emotions in drip, splat, dots on the wall.

[Courtney Miller]

What?

[Amanda]

Love. Being true to the others. Expecting the unexpected. Never saying never.

[Shane]

Every Justin Bieber I know.

[Amanda]

Love. Every blink of an eye. Love, music, life, you.

[Courtney Miller]

Whoa.

[Amanda]

Who Guys. And there's hearts and.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, my.

[Amanda]

I had to follow up with your favorites because I have a don't and a love.

[Courtney Miller]

I love it. I like to start every journal with, like, okay, here's me. Here's all the stuff I like. Here's what I look like. Like, my first journal. I was like, I am just starting to get my pubic hair. Like, very, very. Like, this was a lab report on myself.

[Amanda]

Oh, that's so interesting.

[Courtney Miller]

Like, I am an ape. Cup bra. Like that was like I'd have my stats like to start my journal off so I like knew where I was in my life.

[Amanda]

I love that everyone's journal is so.

[Courtney Miller]

Fucking different but also very much the same. Except for years, you freak.

[Shane]

Shane well how many. I don't think many guys have journals to.

[Amanda]

I think that's kind of you because you created chosen and chosen is.

[Shane]

Chosen is very.

[Amanda]

Not many dudes have journals.

[Courtney Miller]

I know and they should.

[Amanda]

They really I feel like yeah I'm.

[Shane]

Grateful for it to look it is cringy to read. It's tough to read sometimes because you're like damn. I. But then it's also. What's nice is you realize how much you've changed over the over time. Oh wow. I've learned so much.

[Amanda]

But I also haven't changed. I'm like I could slap you all the hate.

[Shane]

I remember an entry from my first journal where I started where I'm 15 and there's not a ton of. It's a smaller journal so there's not many pages in the. But one of them I'm talking about. It's one of my birthdays and I'm talking about this birthday that in my memory. I'm like that was. That was great. I'm Even as I'm writing it, like as I'm reading it, I'm like this was a great birthday. But I'm like, yeah, it wasn't that much. It wasn't that big of a deal. And I'm like damn. Like you suck. Loser.

[Courtney Miller]

I feel like you're probably trying to be humble or something.

[Shane]

I just also just didn't have perspective on things yet. Just straight up.

[Amanda]

So if there was one word to describe all of us as 14 year olds and I guess maybe 18 year olds since that's her in your journal.

[Shane]

Kind of was that one is. Yeah.

[Amanda]

What would the like one word be.

[Shane]

If you could me at 14. I think me at 14. Truly the problem was that I was trying too hard. So I don't. I think I was.

[Courtney Miller]

I don't know.

[Amanda]

You're true.

[Shane]

I think I was actually I think lost maybe might be the right word because I didn't know who I was.

[Amanda]

That's why you loved that show.

[Shane]

I loved Lost. I related to it.

[Courtney Miller]

Lost. I'm sorry I called 14 year old you a freak.

[Shane]

I was in a certain way.

[Amanda]

I was a freak.

[Shane]

You wouldn't be able to tell.

[Amanda]

I was a freaking.

[Shane]

I was commercial ready.

[Courtney Miller]

I'm. I was so lost I think at 14, I at least wasn't a joint custody kid anymore, so I at least had all my somewhat. Most of my shit together physically. But emotionally, no. I'm trying to think. I don't. I don't see.

[Amanda]

I wouldn't. I would say, just from what you were talking about with your journals, I would say aware. Not aware.

[Courtney Miller]

Or like, I feel like maybe hurt.

[Amanda]

Hurt.

[Courtney Miller]

Cause I was going through so much pain. Middle school was tough because I was bullied so hard by the people who were supposed to be my friends.

[Shane]

I would say vulnerable. I think you were very vulnerable. You were very open in ways like that. You couldn't even help. Whereas, see, mine is so guarded and so guarded. Guarded. Mine was. I am presenting to you only what I approve of in my head first, even if it's in a private journal.

[Amanda]

I think that's guarded.

[Jennifer Coolidge]

Oh, super guarded.

[Courtney Miller]

Guarded.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Amanda]

Maybe. Mine's fire.

[Shane]

Yeah. Yours, offense.

[Amanda]

Mine's fight to the death.

[Courtney Miller]

You have combat. Emotional combat.

[Shane]

Don't follow me.

[Amanda]

Followers, which is funny. Followers, which is funny, because another journal entry. It's like, I feel like I'm a follower and I need to fucking stop because it's wicked.

[Shane]

I'm such a. I'm such a wicked poser.

[Courtney Miller]

I want to be a leader, not a follower.

[Shane]

The last thing I want to say is I just really want to bring back the word poser. I miss that word.

[Amanda]

Don't be a poser.

[Shane]

So funny.

[Amanda]

Poser was such a.

[Shane]

It was devastating if you had poser thrown at you.

[Amanda]

Yeah, devastating.

[Courtney Miller]

I think it'd be good to use if it's like, you're. Don't be a poser. Be yourself.

[Amanda]

Yeah, exactly. Well, that's what I tried to do. And myself was like, why can't you see the beauty?

[Shane]

Why can't you see my face?

[Amanda]

Why can't you see the beauty? All the injustice in the world. I'll fight you. I want to bring wicked back too.

[Shane]

All right, we'll bring wicked. Poser.

[Courtney Miller]

Wicked Poser.

[Amanda]

Okay. Wicked Poser. Great.

[Shane]

Courtney, thanks for being here.

[Courtney Miller]

Thanks for having me, guys. Thank you so much for having me on an episode where you both are very vulnerable.

[Amanda]

Thanks for reading some of my journals.

[Courtney Miller]

I loved it. It felt good for me when other people read mine.

[Amanda]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

And I would love if you can bring more of these entries and, like, we can maybe do a smash pit theater.

[Shane]

We should do it.

[Amanda]

I would love.

[Courtney Miller]

Sound off in the comments.

[Amanda]

Yeah, sound off in the comments. I would love to pit theater. This. Make it so bad.

[Shane]

Make it happen. For us.

[Amanda]

Sweet.

[Shane]

Don't be a poser.

[Amanda]

Don't be a wicked poser, kid.

[Shane]

All right, well, all right, well, bye. Yeah, goodbye.

[Amanda]

Who are you as a 14 year old? Okay, bye.

[Shane]

Let us know how many journals you have in your in the comments.

[Amanda]

Bye.

[Courtney Miller]

Bye.

[Shane]

Bye bye. Wow.

[Amanda]

Wow.

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[Shane]

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