#22 - The Greatest Unsolved Mysteries w/ The Chosen and Sarah Christ

Summary

Podcast Summary: Smosh Mouth Episode #22 - The Greatest Unsolved Mysteries w/ The Chosen and Sarah Christ

Release Date: November 20, 2023
Host/Author: Smosh
Episode Title: #22 - The Greatest Unsolved Mysteries w/ The Chosen and Sarah Christ

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Introduction

In this intriguing and humor-filled episode of Smosh Mouth, hosts Chosen and Sarah Christ dive deep into some of life's most baffling unsolved mysteries. Blending detective lore with supernatural elements, the duo engages in a lively discussion aiming to uncover truths behind legendary cases while showcasing their unique investigative styles.

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Meet the Hosts

• Chosen: A self-proclaimed expert in decoding and dealing with supernatural phenomena. He presents himself as a chosen individual with extraordinary abilities and a connection to mythical forces.

  • "I hold a. Let's just say an illegal RuneScape server where you can kind of do whatever you want." (00:12)

• Sarah Christ: An ex-detective who now works solo after a tumultuous career cut short by personal loss and professional setbacks. She is relentless in her pursuit of justice, particularly against the enigmatic Creekside Killer.

  • "My boss took my badge after I ran into a Sephora to try to arrest a man. And I had guns. A blaz. And I guess you're not allowed to do that without a warrant." (02:28)

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Main Discussion: The Creekside Killer

The episode's centerpiece is the elusive Creekside Killer, a figure shrouded in mystery and terror within the Pacific Northwest. Both hosts express a burning desire to bring this killer to justice, each bringing their distinctive expertise to the table.

• Sarah Christ's Pursuit:

  • "I need to find the Creekside Killer. And I need to solve life's mysteries, Sarah." (09:10)

  • She describes the killer's characteristics: a man with a beard, shifting physical appearances, and a knack for evading capture.

  • "He has thin eyebrows, a big nose, very large, kind of like yours chosen. And he's just. He doesn't smile. It's a slit. His mouth is a slit." (12:28)

• Chosen's Insights:

  • "I deal with ghosts, with demons, with werewolves, vampires." (06:43)

  • He connects the Creekside Killer to other unsolved cases like D.B. Cooper, suggesting a possible alliance or shared motive.

  • "We will find the Creekside Killer." (64:25)

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Exploring Other Unsolved Mysteries

Beyond the Creekside Killer, Chosen and Sarah delve into various other enigmatic cases, blending fact with fiction and humor.

1. Jack the Ripper:

   • Discussed as one of history's most precise and elusive murderers.

   • "He murdered with such precision that people think that he might have been royalty or a doctor of some sorts." (23:53)

   • Mention of fictional connections to the Kingsman universe adds a comedic twist.

2. D.B. Cooper:

   • The infamous skyjacker remains a mystery decades after his daring parachute escape.

   • "His identity and his whereabouts are still a mystery to this day. He could still be alive. Rich as hell." (42:03)

   • Sarah speculates a connection between Cooper and the Creekside Killer, hinting at a possible partnership.

   • "DB Cooper probably hooked up with the Creekside Killer, and they've probably been going around ransacking that place." (43:15)

3. The Voynich Manuscript:

   • Chosen claims to have deciphered this enigmatic 16th-century document, adding an air of mystery.

   • "I have it fully memorized and I've pretty much figured it out." (58:05)

   • He hints at a foreboding message about an impending sinister event.

   • "The main message is that something is coming. Something so sinister and cruel that none of us can fathom it, but I. Except for me." (58:28)

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Supernatural Elements and Personal Backstories

The hosts intertwine their personal narratives with supernatural lore, enhancing the episode's mystique and humor.

• Chosen's Supernatural Abilities:

  • Claims of participating in mythical battles and possessing ancient knowledge.

  • "I participated in the battle of M2XFE in the online game Eve Online. It was the greatest battle frickin ever." (66:59)

  • Describes his consciousness existing within the cybersphere, blending reality with virtual realms.

  • "I exist there. My body, my consciousness, my anatomy exists within the cybersphere. But my veins are wires, my brain a motherboard." (69:32)

• Sarah Christ's Detective Background:

  • Shares her past as a detective and the personal toll it took.

  • "I need to find the Creekside Killer. And I need to solve life's mysteries, Sarah." (09:10)

  • Highlights her relentless nature and willingness to confront both human and supernatural threats.

  • "I don't care what your excuse is. Most people are lying their ass off. And husbands kill wives and wives kill husbands." (30:45)

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Humorous and Bizarre Exchanges

The episode is rife with comedic banter, absurd claims, and playful jabs, maintaining a light-hearted tone despite the dark subject matter.

• Playful Insults and Teasing:

  • "The Punisher lost his entire family and is an alcoholic." (08:22)

  • "I'm a mirror. And I don't like what's on the other side." (33:33)

• Quirky Personal Facts:

  • Sarah shares her unlucky stint with wearing heels leading to a twisted ankle.

    • "I slipped off my stairs, twisted my ankle and fell flat on my face." (70:35)

  • Chosen recounts battling a shark to claim a puka shell necklace.

    • "I wrestled this shark away until I got it into a frickin headlock. And then I grabbed one of its front teeth and I ripped it out." (53:08)

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Planned Collaboration Against the Creekside Killer

By the episode's end, Chosen and Sarah Christ agree to collaborate in their quest to unmask the Creekside Killer, combining their distinct investigative approaches.

• "We must create hypertrophy in our own brains." (46:45)

• "We will find the Creekside Killer." (64:25)

• Exchange of enchanted items symbolizes their uneasy alliance, blending supernatural elements with detective work.

  • Chosen gifts Sarah with enchanted sunglasses to aid her perception of supernatural beings.

    • "They will protect you from dark forces and temptation, and they will allow you to see supernatural beings." (73:50)

  • Sarah reciprocates with a long-held cigarette as a token, merging their personal struggles with their mission.

    • "I've put my lips on it many times and haven't lit it, but that's a cigarette for you." (74:43)

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Conclusion

Episode #22 of Smosh Mouth successfully blends humor, supernatural lore, and detective intrigue to explore unsolved mysteries in an entertaining manner. Through their exaggerated personas and witty exchanges, Chosen and Sarah Christ create a captivating narrative that keeps listeners engaged while playfully dissecting legendary cases.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. "We're expert detectives, but hear me out. You're never going to get closure because those families never get closure."
   — Sarah Christ (00:30)

2. "He's tall and short at the same time. When he's far away, he's short. When he's close up, he's tall."
   — Sarah Christ (14:47)

3. "The Creekside Killer is not chosen. He is the opposite of chosen. And we are going to find him."
   — Sarah Christ (73:23)

4. "I wrestled this shark away until I got it into a frickin headlock. And then I grabbed one of its front teeth and I ripped it out."
   — Chosen (53:08)

5. "I need to find the Creekside Killer. And I need to solve life's mysteries, Sarah."
   — Sarah Christ (09:10)

6. "He murdered with such precision that people think that he might have been royalty or a doctor of some sorts."
   — Chosen (23:53)

7. "The main message is that something is coming. Something so sinister and cruel that none of us can fathom it, but I. Except for me."
   — Chosen (58:28)

8. "They will protect you from dark forces and temptation, and they will allow you to see supernatural beings."
   — Chosen (73:50)

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Note: This summary omits advertisement segments and non-content sections to focus solely on the episode's core discussions and interactions.

Transcript

[Chosen]

Welcome to a very special guest episode of Smoshmouth. I am the Chosen.

[Sarah Christ]

I'm Sarah Christ, ex detective.

[Chosen]

And today we're going to be covering some of life's greatest mysteries once unsolved. But after this episode, there will be no more mystery left because both of us are expert detectives.

[Sarah Christ]

We're expert detectives, but hear me out. You're never going to get closure because those families never get closure. All right? They never get closure. So I hate using that word.

[Chosen]

Correct.

[Sarah Christ]

Hello, Chosen.

[Chosen]

Hello, Sarah Christ. People have never seen us on camera together, but what they don't realize is you and I have some sort of history with fighting justice.

[Sarah Christ]

That's right.

[Chosen]

Or fighting for justice. I guess you could say both. Yeah.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, I. I found his website on the Dark Web and I. I contacted him through mail and.

[Chosen]

That's right. I hold a. Let's just say an illegal RuneScape server where you can kind of do whatever you want.

[Sarah Christ]

You.

[Chosen]

You know, within reason, obviously.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah. I felt like I was in the Matrix trying to contact him. Like, are you the one? So I sent him a little note and I said, hey, buddy, I need you to decode something for me. And he was on my ass.

[Chosen]

That's right. Decoding. That's my specialty. And what you sent me over was a freaking hellscape. But I managed to decode it, and it turned out it was just spam.

[Sarah Christ]

But, yeah, I needed to get these spam callers off my back, so I needed that first.

[Chosen]

But it did lead to, let's say, some sort of partnership in some ways. And we started to handle mysteries together.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, we handled mysteries together. But don't get it twisted. I work alone.

[Chosen]

Same.

[Sarah Christ]

Well, great. Yeah, usually when we go to a site, we both drive in separate cars. He keeps asking to come into my suv, and I said, buddy, it's packed. Yeah, with trash and papers. Jack in the Box is basically my fucking best friend right now.

[Chosen]

And people know that I'm much more of a Taco Bell guy.

[Sarah Christ]

So, yeah, don't fuck with that. That gives me the shits. All right? So, sir.

[Chosen]

Christ, why don't you give people a little bit more of your backstory? Why are you an ex detective?

[Sarah Christ]

Well, my boss took my badge after I ran into a Sephora to try to arrest a man. And I had guns. A blaz. And I guess you're not allowed to do that without a warrant, so. My partner died on the scene. And I was completely stripped of my honor and my badge and my courage and my gun. So I'm out here I'm going solo. Luckily, my boss still keeps tabs on me on my phone right here. It's a flip phone because I don't need anything other than that.

[Chosen]

You, too, put your trust in Ancient Devices. I, too, trust only Ancient Devices.

[Sarah Christ]

Can anyone call you on that thing? It's a Game Boy.

[Chosen]

No, it's. It's a Game Boy Advance.

[Sarah Christ]

So how do people reach you?

[Chosen]

Well, they can reach me on my phone, but.

[Sarah Christ]

So you have a phone and a Game Boy?

[Chosen]

Yes, I also have a phone, but. But I use this Game Boy advance for meditation. I don't. I mean, I do have a Nintendo Switch as well, but the Game Boy advance is clearly superior to any console device that is around nowadays.

[Sarah Christ]

I've never played a game in my life. I've only played the game of luck finding murderers. But you should have me over sometime. Maybe I could jump on that Game Boy a couple times.

[Chosen]

Okay.

[Sarah Christ]

If it's okay with your mom. I assume you still live with your mom.

[Chosen]

I have my mom's permission. You can play my Game Boy Advance. I also have the SP. I have the 3Ds.

[Sarah Christ]

Sounds like you're speaking another language, buddy.

[Chosen]

It kind of is. Another language.

[Sarah Christ]

Wow.

[Chosen]

Language of Nintendo.

[Sarah Christ]

Well, I have the language of murder. Murder. And anyways, my lifelong goal is to find the Creekside Killer. We've all known this. It's the case that keeps me up at night. It's the case that caused my divorce. It's the case that sends me to a place I can't even escape from. I fell asleep the other night smoking a cigarette. Burned a hole in my favorite blanket. My mom knitted it for me. God rest her fucking soul. She was a nightmare. So you're like. You live with your mama?

[Chosen]

Yes. And I. But she does not. Well, she does. She did make. She got me a blanket once, and I have that still. And it's.

[Sarah Christ]

You still sleep with your blankie?

[Chosen]

It's not a blankie. It's just like a full blanket. Like a. Like a. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Anyways.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah.

[Chosen]

When I heard that you were after the Creekside Killer, it piqued my interest. Because as the Chosen, I am seeking anyone who serves the darkness. And it sounds like the Creekside Killer did.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, yeah. The Creekside Killer served the darkness. And so did I. I sold my soul to the dark devil to survive, to find him. Because our work is in the dark and in the shadows, never in light.

[Chosen]

That's true. We work primarily at night, which is very tough.

[Sarah Christ]

It's really hard to See anything? To be honest, I can't.

[Chosen]

Yeah, it's especially hard for me because I. I have to keep my sunglasses on.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, I've asked you repeatedly so I could see your eyes. Cuz I really can't tell where you're looking. And I swear to God, if you're staring at my badge, you can't have it.

[Chosen]

I'm not looking at your badge.

[Sarah Christ]

Okay.

[Chosen]

I seek no of identification. I live off grid.

[Sarah Christ]

But you live at your mom's house.

[Chosen]

I don't. I mean, not sometimes.

[Sarah Christ]

Okay, well, you do live in your house.

[Chosen]

It's not. That's.

[Sarah Christ]

Well, I drop. I sometimes drop you off there at night, so I actually know that you.

[Chosen]

Yeah, well, I'm staying there sometimes just to make sure she's safe in case any. Any of any evil beings are after her.

[Sarah Christ]

Chosen, I've told you this a million times. I've set up 60 cameras around the perimeter. Your mom is safe and I'm watching her.

[Chosen]

Okay?

[Sarah Christ]

Not at night.

[Chosen]

Yeah, I mean, some things can't be seen by cameras. See, Sarah. Christ. I deal in things that you can never fathom.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah.

[Chosen]

Beyond human understanding.

[Sarah Christ]

And this is where we come up against a wall that shows in an eye. Because we're trying to see eye to eye. But I deal in facts. I deal in fingerprints. I deal in forensic evidence. He deals in mysteries.

[Chosen]

I deal with ghosts, with demons, with werewolves, vampires. With the things that live beneath the ground. With things that only show their face in the moonlight. And things that only exist. And things that only exist. Exist in cyberspace. There are some demons that truly live within the realms of. Of technology. And they cannot be seen by technology because they live within it. But yes. You're asking about my shirt. Well, it's also because it's. I do not need to quarry myself with spending money with spending. With fruitlessly spending money on clothing. I need only a shirt. It is enough armor for me. It allows me to be swift. It allows me to be quick. And it's dark. Which means I can hide in. In darkness at night when I am. When I'm fighting crime.

[Sarah Christ]

Well, when you're fighting crime. Well, you and I are both alike in that. But have you ever run a mile to run after a man who's stolen a purse after off a sweet, sweet lady?

[Chosen]

I absolutely have done that many times.

[Sarah Christ]

I respect you, Chosen.

[Chosen]

I respect you, Sarah. Christ. In. In many ways. Even though you operate in a much different way than I do.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, I do.

[Chosen]

See, I'm. I like to think of myself more as Batman, whereas You are more like the Punisher.

[Sarah Christ]

Okay. The Punisher lost his entire family and is an alcoholic.

[Chosen]

Wow.

[Sarah Christ]

You're right. You're right.

[Chosen]

See, your understanding of comics is impressive.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah. I have a daughter. She doesn't talk to me, though. But Molly's a sweet kid. She lives right next door. I jump in their pool once in a while just to get, you know, use up the amenities because my ex husband won't give me any cash to buy my own pool.

[Chosen]

Sorry to hear that.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, pool's a big thing for me. I like to jump in the pool and then get my clothes on and head in the car and head out. No point in showering when you jump in a pool.

[Chosen]

That's. Yeah, I can see that logic.

[Sarah Christ]

So I'm really glad that we teamed up because I need your help.

[Chosen]

And I'm here for you, Sarah. Christ.

[Sarah Christ]

I need to find the Creekside Killer. And I need to solve life's mysteries, Sarah.

[Chosen]

Christ. What made you so determined to find the Creekside Killer? How long have you been searching after him?

[Sarah Christ]

Since I became a detective.

[Chosen]

Really?

[Sarah Christ]

So 45 years. In my head. In my head. 45 years in my head.

[Chosen]

You're like me. You keep your age a secret so nobody can see your next move.

[Sarah Christ]

That's right. Well, I'm really young. I'm actually really, really young. But deep inside, I'm like 150 years old. I bet you understand that.

[Chosen]

Yeah. No. Within me exists an ancient being, an ancient, ancient purpose. So in many ways, I am beyond time itself, which is excruciating.

[Sarah Christ]

Sounds like some interstellar shit. I fucking hated that movie. I don't understand it. Who was the criminal in that?

[Chosen]

Well, the criminal was time itself. Just like many of Christopher Nolan's movies.

[Sarah Christ]

You can't arrest time. You can't put cuffs on time.

[Chosen]

You don't know that.

[Sarah Christ]

Yes, I literally do. Trust me, I have tried. No.

[Chosen]

Unless we find a way to create a time machine that was. That's basically the thesis of H.G. wells classic novel.

[Sarah Christ]

Christ, a time machine? Sounds like a waste of cash.

[Chosen]

No, it's not. It would solve. Well, I guess it would create as many problems as it would solve because it would create paradoxes. Anyways, the Creekside Killer.

[Sarah Christ]

Creekside Killer. He's in the Pacific Northwest around the trees. I'm sure that he's got a little friend of Fox's probably helping him out, giving him clues and tips. I heard last that he has a beard and I actually have a picture of him.

[Chosen]

You do?

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, yeah.

[Chosen]

Could we. Could we see.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah. Well, I used to show this picture around when he looked like a little baby. But he's not a baby anymore. He's a grown ass man.

[Chosen]

Was killing people when he was a baby.

[Sarah Christ]

No, he was probably. Probably. He's probably killing people in the other time limit. Lane limit. You get it? So he was killing people when he was 18 years old. He has been killing women with their hair down for centuries.

[Chosen]

For centuries.

[Sarah Christ]

Don't walk on the docks at night. I swear to God you're gonna get snatched up. So he's changed. It's been about 30 years he's been out there and I've been chasing him. And I will not rest until I find him. So you can forget those pictures that I showed you earlier way back in the day. He has changed. This is the Creekside Killer now.

[Chosen]

Interesting. He looks like a. Kinda looks like Abraham Lincoln.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, well, that's his hair. The guy who usually draws up the pictures was out sick, so I whipped this up. From what I figured, he probably looks like in the Pacific Northwest. That's his hair. He probably wears a hat. But probably not. He's probably trying to cover up a bald spot. He's got thin eyebrows, a big nose, very large, kind of like yours chosen. And he's just. He doesn't smile. It's a slit. His mouth is a slit.

[Chosen]

Sarah. Christ. I. I have some information that might be useful for you.

[Sarah Christ]

Shut your mouth. What?

[Chosen]

I. I was recently at a Magic the Gathering convention and I saw.

[Sarah Christ]

That sounds illegal.

[Chosen]

Pretty much. It should be. And I saw so many people who looked just like that.

[Sarah Christ]

Wait, really?

[Chosen]

Yeah, Pret. Pretty much everyone there perhaps.

[Sarah Christ]

Do they have a. Do they have a braid in there? Because see, that's a braid.

[Chosen]

Some of them did. Does the Creekside Killer shower?

[Sarah Christ]

Definitely not.

[Chosen]

Then I definitely ran into him at the Magic the Gathering.

[Sarah Christ]

Wait a second. Wait a second. The Magic the Gathering sounds like an illegal underground cult?

[Chosen]

Pretty much. See, people think Magic the Gathering is merely a card game, but. But no. It is a connection to another world. Every card is a portal.

[Sarah Christ]

What?

[Chosen]

To a realm of battle. It transports us to something different. It's something we've promised never to talk about. But I fear that if there are evil beings at Magic the Gathering conventions, then we need to do something about it.

[Sarah Christ]

That's the biggest tip I've ever gotten about the Creekside Killer. So we think the Creekside Killer is at an underground Magic the Gathering cult?

[Chosen]

It's possible.

[Sarah Christ]

Was this guy. It was anyone over the age of 60. Possibly 40, possibly to 70.

[Chosen]

Yeah. There was definitely some there.

[Sarah Christ]

200 to £500.

[Chosen]

Yeah.

[Sarah Christ]

Definitely thick?

[Chosen]

Yeah.

[Sarah Christ]

But short.

[Chosen]

Yes.

[Sarah Christ]

Big feet.

[Chosen]

Yes.

[Sarah Christ]

Little hands.

[Chosen]

Yeah. How do you know?

[Sarah Christ]

Acne on one side of the face, possibly.

[Chosen]

Sarah. Christ. I have to ask, how have you gotten so close to this man without capturing him? I have to say I'm slightly disappointed in you.

[Sarah Christ]

Shut the fuck up. You shut the fuck up right now. I tell myself that every day. My journal is literally called the Journal of disappointment. So thanks for writing another page in my book. Listen, I can't reveal my sources, but I know for a fact that this man is tall and short at the same time. I swear to God. It sounds weird. It depends on the angle that you get.

[Chosen]

When he.

[Sarah Christ]

When he's far away, he's short. When he's close up, he's tall. Get it?

[Chosen]

Yeah, I've seen that before. Like a mirage.

[Sarah Christ]

He is exactly like a mirage. I feel like I'm in the desert riding a camel, searching for water. And yet it's not.

[Chosen]

There we are truly Don Quixote.

[Sarah Christ]

Don Quixote? Yep.

[Chosen]

Yeah.

[Sarah Christ]

Sounds like one of your mysteries. I don't read those kind of books.

[Chosen]

More of a comedy, but yes.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh well, I don't like comedy. It makes me sad.

[Chosen]

Yeah.

[Sarah Christ]

So you've seen this man? See, here's the thing. He escapes me at every turn, which makes me think he's gone underground. Me thinks he's in a culture.

[Chosen]

Perhaps he could be part of what many describe as the Albuquerque Hum. Or what many people think are CIA tunnels underneath Denver International Airport. But it's probably something more sinister.

[Sarah Christ]

You know about the CIA tunnels around. Under the Denver Airport?

[Chosen]

Of course. When I, my family was flying through there once and I went to go to the bathroom, but I got lost and I passed by the subway and then I found this strange doorway and.

[Sarah Christ]

I, my, my, my curiosity say don't enter.

[Chosen]

Yeah, but I love the. Every chosen knows that when you see a door that says do not enter, you have to check it out.

[Sarah Christ]

Absolutely.

[Chosen]

That's part of our, our duty. So I went in there and what I found was tunnel after tunnel, just concrete everywhere. I, I definitely. And at one point I went down some stairs which meant I was underground. What I saw was just endless tunnels. It was like the back rooms, but worse.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, the back rooms are a nightmare.

[Chosen]

Yeah. You've ended up there before.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, I've been in the backrooms many a times. Yeah, I've been in the backrooms at dive bars. I've been in the backrooms at airports, malls. Have you been in a back room in a mall? Yeah.

[Chosen]

No, I was trying to find my way through a Zoomies and ended up there.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh God, Zoomies. What a nightmare.

[Chosen]

You've been inside of a Zoomies? Well, would you go inside a Zoomies?

[Sarah Christ]

Well a Zoomies because my boss told me to go in there and serve a warrant. Ah, that's when I.

[Chosen]

Some skater punk.

[Sarah Christ]

Yep, exactly. I've also been in a Spencer's Gifts, but that was just to buy my shithole mom a present. She's. She was not a nice lady.

[Chosen]

May she rest in peace.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh no, she's alive. She still lives in a cabin in the Pacific Northwest. I put her out there so she can keep an eye out for the Creekside Killer. Oh, she barely keeps her eye out. I get no tips from her. Nothing.

[Chosen]

Do you ever go and stay the night there like I've stayed the night there? Yeah, see. Exactly. So I'm not weird when I stay the night when I sleep at my parents house. That's not.

[Sarah Christ]

You live at your parents house? I have my own place. I have a small apartment next to my ex husband so I can keep watch on him.

[Chosen]

I have safe houses all over the city.

[Sarah Christ]

Do you have one in the Pacific Northwest?

[Chosen]

Of course I do. Safe houses all over the planet.

[Sarah Christ]

Well, I gotta put my source in there.

[Chosen]

No, I cannot reveal the location. Sarah. Christ. As much as I trust you that I still have a level of distrust, which you must understand.

[Sarah Christ]

Listen, you and me should go on a trip. We'll gain a lot of trust there.

[Chosen]

All right, fine. Where should we go? Let's see.

[Sarah Christ]

Bahamas, Aruba?

[Chosen]

That's too near the Bermuda Triangle. Chosens know to stay away from there. Vortex will suck us up immediately. That's how the chosen multiverse happens every year.

[Sarah Christ]

Wait a second. What if the Creekside Killer has jumped in one of your vortexes?

[Chosen]

That's entirely possible. You talking about him? Shape shifting is often a side effect.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, he's a. He could be a size 10 foot or a size 5, I don't know. Cause I haven't gotten my hands on his feet yet. But when I do, trust me, before I arrest him, I'm gonna measure those bad boys. Cause I've seen prints everywhere in the Pacific Northwest. There's so many prints around.

[Chosen]

Wow.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, on the snow, grass. Some look like animal prints, but I swear to God it's him. Maybe he's a werewolf.

[Chosen]

I dealt with werewolves before. My buddy Eric's uncle was apparently a werewolf. We watched him on the last full moon. And although he didn't fully change. He just got really weird.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, yeah, I know guys like that.

[Chosen]

Yeah, just kind of. It's either that he was a werewolf or he just had really bad gas, but either way, it was very, very strange.

[Sarah Christ]

Probably ate something pretty shitty. I don't know.

[Chosen]

He did have a lot of Carl's Jr earlier that day, but. I don't know. He eats Carl's junior All the time, so. Not really sure why that night.

[Sarah Christ]

Carl's Jr. Never leave that in your SUV overnight. It smells like baby vomit. It's disgusting. Yeah, I had a rough. I had a rough run in with Carl's Jr. So your uncle's a werewolf? A.

[Chosen]

My buddy Eric's uncle, yeah. Still believe he's a werewolf, but I have. I have also seen death. I've definitely dealt with werewolves before. It's messy business.

[Sarah Christ]

Is it possible that werewolves are also vampires?

[Chosen]

You're talking about someone who's. That's. That's a beast. That does exist mainly in legends, but I do believe they are. They are lurking among us. What makes them scary is their werewolf blood allows them to walk around during the day. And their vampire blood allows them to remain somewhat conscious when they change during a full moon. It makes them extra powerful. They're a werewolf that can fly.

[Sarah Christ]

Do you know of any. Do you have any? Do you have any?

[Chosen]

Of course I know about. About them.

[Sarah Christ]

Give me a name.

[Chosen]

No, I cannot.

[Sarah Christ]

Sources.

[Chosen]

This is chosen business.

[Sarah Christ]

Chosen. If we're going to work together, we have to, you know, give each other the goods.

[Chosen]

We can work together, Sarah. Christ. But you have your cases that are yours, and I have mine that are mine. I deal with the supernatural. You deal with people who are fucking devilish nightmares.

[Sarah Christ]

Absolute nightmares.

[Chosen]

The worst of humans that exist. I deal with that. That is beyond human.

[Sarah Christ]

Can I smoke in here?

[Chosen]

I mean, I. Sure, I guess so. I don't know. Probably not.

[Sarah Christ]

Okay, well, this is a fun podcast.

[Chosen]

Yeah.

[Sarah Christ]

Thank God it's 2am otherwise I wouldn't be here. Yeah.

[Chosen]

Anyways, we can cover some other of the world's greatest mysteries and discuss them. I have some here that I've been studying for some time.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, test me. Because you know what? I could probably help you out. I've got a lot of experience in crimes, but I also dabble in some mystery.

[Chosen]

All right.

[Sarah Christ]

Like, why is my mom such a psychopath? That's the biggest mystery to me.

[Chosen]

I mean, I don't. I don't know.

[Sarah Christ]

She screams all night long, help me out of the bed. And I'm like, Mom, just please go to bed.

[Chosen]

When was the last time you checked on her?

[Sarah Christ]

Six months. She's fine.

[Chosen]

How close is her cabin to, like, the nearest urgent care?

[Sarah Christ]

It's not. Oh, it's all right. I know a buddy who owns a helicopter. I'll send him in there.

[Chosen]

That's freaking sick.

[Sarah Christ]

Drop down.

[Chosen]

Hell yeah.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, yeah. I own a drone, too.

[Chosen]

That's. That. I. Dude, I freaking wish I had a drone. I would get so many. I would have it, like, circle around me while I do sword tricks. Be badass.

[Sarah Christ]

You can watch it later.

[Chosen]

Yeah, and, and make sure that my form is correct.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah, correct. You want to borrow mine?

[Chosen]

You have a sword?

[Sarah Christ]

Absolutely not.

[Chosen]

Oh, you mean your drone. Yeah, I, I, It's.

[Sarah Christ]

Sure, yeah, I have a drone, but you got to delete some of the videos on there.

[Chosen]

Okay.

[Sarah Christ]

It's just the back of my ex husband's house. He's swimming in the pool constantly. Fucking nightmare. He won't even let me in there. I have one hour to use it a month.

[Chosen]

How did you guys end up living right next to each other?

[Sarah Christ]

I moved in next to him.

[Chosen]

Oh.

[Sarah Christ]

The court said I had to be close, so I'm close.

[Chosen]

Oh.

[Sarah Christ]

Plus, we share a daughter, Molly.

[Chosen]

It's an interesting court order. Yeah. Not that I care much for how America leads its justice system, but trust.

[Sarah Christ]

Me, the longer you live with your parents, they're gonna have a court order on you. I guarantee it. And when that comes to time, let me know. I got a good lawyer. His name is Buddy Frank. He doesn't answer his phone, but you can find him? I'll find him.

[Chosen]

I don't much trust lawyers. I prefer to keep the law in my own hands. If I ever ended up in court, I would definitely represent myself.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, that's a mistake. But I like your bravery.

[Chosen]

Anyways. Anyways, you speak of the Creekside Killer being hundreds of years old, which makes this first mystery probably very topical. Jack the Ripper.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh.

[Chosen]

His identity was never discovered, despite the fact that he murdered many people.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, yeah.

[Chosen]

But he murdered with such a precision that people think that he might have been royalty or a doctor of some sorts.

[Sarah Christ]

I've heard this. He's one of the Kingsman.

[Chosen]

It's one of the Kingsman.

[Sarah Christ]

Kingsman?

[Chosen]

Oh, you mean the movie and the comic series?

[Sarah Christ]

Exactly. You know that movie that was based on Jack the Ripper?

[Chosen]

Interesting. I. Wow.

[Sarah Christ]

Yep.

[Chosen]

So that's all real?

[Sarah Christ]

It's all real. The Kingsman is all real. They have that cute little shop with all their little outfits and their suits. Like the Ripper.

[Chosen]

I was testing you. See, I knew it was real because the Kingsman tried to recruit me at one point.

[Sarah Christ]

What, and you turned them down?

[Chosen]

I had to. I was already chosen to be chosen. And a Kingsman? That's simply too much on my plate. And many of their ways conflict with the chosen ways, particularly the way they dress.

[Sarah Christ]

What are the chosen ways?

[Chosen]

If I had to describe, It's a whole scroll.

[Sarah Christ]

Give me top three.

[Chosen]

Okay. Chosen ways. 1. You cannot fap.

[Sarah Christ]

I don't know what that fucking means.

[Chosen]

It's a Reddit community that started after many years, after the Chosens had declared fap. Yes.

[Sarah Christ]

Fart ass puss. Sorry. I have a young kid. I have a sick moment.

[Chosen]

I don't want to go into it. For those who know. They know. I have to. Like a Jedi. Essentially, I have to abstain from what many would call the pleasures of life. But I find pleasure in my duty and focus.

[Sarah Christ]

Well, I agree with you on that. So.

[Chosen]

So I do not. I also. I refuse to ever have sex.

[Sarah Christ]

Why?

[Chosen]

Because it would. It would distract me from being chosen.

[Sarah Christ]

What do you mean? It just boosts your energy up.

[Chosen]

No, it would not boost my energy. It would. Absolutely. I would. I would.

[Sarah Christ]

You've never seen a stranger and been like, all right, we got five minutes. Let's hop in the back and let's fucking get this done. Do not call me. Do not call me. Can't stand when they call me. I only have one number on here, and it's my boss. Oh. Also my kid, but she's under restricted. Was that your question?

[Chosen]

Yes, sort of.

[Sarah Christ]

Can't not believe you don't have sex. You've never had sex?

[Chosen]

Yeah. No. Because I have my choice. I obviously could have if I wanted to.

[Sarah Christ]

The Chosen made a choice to not have sex.

[Chosen]

That's one of the choices that a Cho. A Chosen must choose.

[Sarah Christ]

Why?

[Chosen]

And I chose that because I need to stay focused on. On the Blade.

[Sarah Christ]

The Blade?

[Chosen]

Yes, the Blade and the Moon.

[Sarah Christ]

Okay.

[Chosen]

Destiny.

[Sarah Christ]

All right?

[Chosen]

And also programming and coding. See, if I'd had sex, I would have never been able to decode the codes that you sent me. So it's. It's just. It's my duty. Look, I didn't make it this way, okay?

[Sarah Christ]

Who did? Who's your. Who's your boss?

[Chosen]

The League of Chosens. Well, there is no boss. I mean, the boss is. Is perhaps the universe itself. Perhaps out there, there is a nebula. That is the consciousness that controls all the Chosens.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, well, there's also A fucking planet out there called Fuck Me. And that's what I follow. And it's fantastic. I don't know what's wrong with you, man.

[Chosen]

But you also speak, Sarah. Christ, of being disappointed, of struggling, of being conflicted.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, yeah? Well, sex and love doesn't exist. Sex is just for energy. I just need sex to keep me going. And also, like, I see a guy, let's do it. But other than that, love does not exist. You know what exists? The Creekside Killer. And he's out there, and he's probably switched locations as we speak. He's probably right near my mom's Pacific Northwest house, and she probably doesn't even notice.

[Chosen]

Sir Crest, you are a walking contradiction. I'm curious. What if. If you don't. If you so strongly believe love doesn't exist, then why did you ever get married?

[Sarah Christ]

Um. I don't know. Because it seemed like the next thing to do. It seemed like the next step. He asked, and I said, all right, let's fucking get this done.

[Chosen]

See?

[Sarah Christ]

And we got married. And I was like, this is fine. Let's have a baby. And we got that done. It's a checklist, man. But I did it. Now it's done. And now I met you. I got that done. I'm getting things done. I'm successful. I'm a proud, successful detective.

[Chosen]

Ex detective.

[Sarah Christ]

Shut your mouth.

[Chosen]

I will not.

[Sarah Christ]

Fine. Did you tell me the top three things of the chosen?

[Chosen]

Well, I said one of them, yeah. The other one is to train. Day in and day out, I follow the training regimen of one of the greatest warriors of all time. His name is Saitama Lee. No.

[Sarah Christ]

Okay.

[Chosen]

His name is Saitama, and he is known for being able to defeat any opponent with one punch.

[Sarah Christ]

It sounds fake.

[Chosen]

He's real. He's a real person.

[Sarah Christ]

Do you have a picture of him?

[Chosen]

No, I do not.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, well, then.

[Chosen]

But he has a.

[Sarah Christ]

Not real. This is what's real.

[Chosen]

I could draw. He's. He's. He's a bald guy and.

[Sarah Christ]

Saitama.

[Chosen]

Saitama? Yes. He has a training regimen that is extremely excruciating. A hundred push ups, 100 sit ups, 100 squats, and a 10 kilometer run. Every day.

[Sarah Christ]

What?

[Chosen]

Yeah, I know.

[Sarah Christ]

You do that every day?

[Chosen]

Every single day. Most people probably wouldn't be able to do it, but I do that in my sleep, basically. Yeah. Right?

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah.

[Chosen]

What's your training regimen?

[Sarah Christ]

Wake up, light a cigarette and immediately put it out because I quit. Jump in the pool, put my hair up, get my jeans on, lace up My boots. Get my badge, which is heavy because it's filled with honor. Get in my suv, wipe off all the fucking ketchup that is just stained for life. I have no idea how to get it out. Get in my car, put the key in the engine and fucking ride and save lives. So, yeah, I'm exhausted. You know when I sleep? Never. I haven't slept in 15 years. And you know what? It's fine. That's my workout.

[Chosen]

It's not fine.

[Sarah Christ]

I literally save lives. This woman the other day, she was walking really fast and she almost got snatched up by this guy. So I tackled the dude and I said, back up, motherfucker. I will put you in jail. She said it was her husband or something, that he was just. He got in a car accident. So he had to take his time to get up to her. But I don't believe that shit. She was covering for him. Anyways, they're both in jail. That's my workout. Yeah, they're both in jail.

[Chosen]

That sounds.

[Sarah Christ]

I don't deal with the jail part. I just put them in there. I don't care what your excuse is. Most people are lying their ass off. And husbands kill wives and wives kill husbands.

[Chosen]

It's truly.

[Sarah Christ]

That's my workout.

[Chosen]

Dark world out there. Your workout is simply the anguish of existing.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, absolutely. But if I die, who's gonna. Who's gonna find the Creekside Killer? And who's gonna save these innocent human beings?

[Chosen]

Well, I sincerely hope it never happens. But, Sarah. Christ, if you were to fall, I would find the Creekside Killer and avenge your death.

[Sarah Christ]

Thank you. Yeah, but I'm never gonna fall. I'm gonna be alive forever.

[Chosen]

I. A part of me believes you are incapable of death.

[Sarah Christ]

I am. I feel that I have been shot in my foot. It was a nightmare.

[Chosen]

Yeah.

[Sarah Christ]

And I've been shot right here by my own gun because I By accidentally shot it and it was pointing towards me and I didn't understand it. It. But now I'm good with my gun. Even though it got taken away.

[Chosen]

I basically know the feeling. One time I was in a paintball match and I. I got shot in. In. In my crotch. But I wasn't wearing any protective gear there.

[Sarah Christ]

What?

[Chosen]

I raised my hands and I said, all right, I'm out. And they kept shooting me. And I said. I said. I said, bobby, I'm out. They kept shooting. They wouldn't stop. They kept fucking around because we weren't in an official paintball match. It was just. We were out in the woods with our paintball guns. And one of them, one of them had it on frickin auto, which is a frickin cheap move. So I was getting hit with so many frickin paintballs in a row and basically if you get hit by like 50 paintballs in a row, it's basically like a real bullet.

[Sarah Christ]

Wow.

[Chosen]

Yeah, the scientists have proven that.

[Sarah Christ]

Where does Bobby live?

[Chosen]

If I tell you that information, you're definitely gonna kill him.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, I'll arrest him first and then make it look like someone killed him in jail. That's how it's done.

[Chosen]

Look, Bobby may be a fucking douchebag, but he does not deserve death. There is still time for him yet to change. And as a chosen, I must believe in mercy. Which is one of the things. That's one of the creeds of the chosen. Which is why Sarah, Christ, despite the fact that we work together, you know this, that you are not chosen. You'll work. The way you work is too dark, it's too violent.

[Sarah Christ]

It's not me that's violent, it's the world that's violent. So all I do is just work with what I've got.

[Chosen]

You operate as the world's reflection, making it see its own reality.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, I'm a mirror. And I don't like what's on the other side. That's why I broke all my mirrors in my house. Because I can't, I cannot walk by another mirror thinking I look good and I look £700. I am done with that shit. Me in a bathrobe. I'd rather be dead. You hear me?

[Chosen]

That solves one of the mysteries. I was curious why fate seems to be against you so often, and it's because you are racking up a tab of bad luck.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh yeah? Yeah. Breaking mirrors is bad luck, Is that right?

[Chosen]

Yes.

[Sarah Christ]

And also seeing a black cat too. Right?

[Chosen]

That one's questionable. Oh, I. I personally believe. I think black cats are often messengers. Not all of darkness is evil. There is good that exists in the darkness.

[Sarah Christ]

Like what?

[Chosen]

Like me.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, is that it?

[Chosen]

Yeah, yeah. And Batman, probably.

[Sarah Christ]

Your parents?

[Chosen]

No, my. My mom. No, my mom's a cashier at Joanne's Fabrics.

[Sarah Christ]

Okay. She's an angel. Dealing with those clients. Those people are absolute nightmares. I went in once to Joanne's because my mom forced me to get this like old fake bird feeder that she wanted. They barely help you there. And they asked me if I had any coupons. Anyways, they're fucking bitches there, so.

[Chosen]

Because they asked. All right.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, they basically asked for my identification, which is psychotic for coupons. Anyways. Your mom sounds like a sweet angel. I'd love to meet her one day.

[Chosen]

She's. Whatever. She's annoying.

[Sarah Christ]

I can put a GPS on her car.

[Chosen]

You don't. You don't need to do that. She goes to Joanne's Fabrics.

[Sarah Christ]

You don't know that. Your mom sounds like sneaky.

[Chosen]

She's not sneaky at all.

[Sarah Christ]

Okay, I'll put a GPS in her car and we'll find out.

[Chosen]

Good luck.

[Sarah Christ]

Thank you.

[Chosen]

I will. I've. I've put. It's actually. That actually will not work because I have put a charm of protection on her car, so it would. The. The. The location that the GPS will give off will probably be inaccurate. It'll be thrown off by the magnetism of the charm.

[Sarah Christ]

Trust me, I can get through charms of protection. All right.

[Chosen]

You think that.

[Sarah Christ]

I know it.

[C]

This episode is brought to you by Aura Frames. Amanda, do you have family members who aren't tech savvy?

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[Sarah Christ]

Like a lot of them.

[C]

Yeah. Both my parents. Not very tech savvy.

[Chosen]

I know.

[C]

My mom watches this show, so she's. She's hearing me say it. She'll admit it. But finding a tech gift for your family can be tough for this time of year. And Aura frames is perfect for it. It's delightful. It's a very sentimental gift. It's a way to encapsulate a bunch of memories into one sweet device. It was rated the number one digital frame by Wirecutter, and it has pretty much unlimited storage. You can see. And it's so easy. Just swipe right here.

[Sarah Christ]

Wow.

[C]

And look. Memories. Oh, so many memories. And you can preload aura frames with photos before sending them. It's great. And you can upload it from your phone. It's. It's really awesome. So you can be changing it all the time.

[Sarah Christ]

And they.

[D]

And they can come in live. I actually got an aura frame from my grandmother, which is amazing because she lives on the other coast. And I can send a photo that I took right now and she can get it immediately.

[C]

It's incredible. It's so great. And from now through Black Friday and Cyber Monday, Oura Frames is offering their best deal of the year. Listeners can save $40 on their best selling Carver mat frame by visiting auraframes.com smosh that's a U R A frames.com smosh using promo code smosh to get $40 off their best selling frames. Terms and conditions apply. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Amanda, I don't know if you're like me. But this time of year, I tend to get a lot of anxiety.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

It's stressful.

[Chosen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

There's a lot of deadlines. And here at Smosh, we are making so much stuff. We are working extra hard, and I get stressed out. And what keeps me sane a lot of weeks is talking to my therapist. I talk to him for an hour every week, and I need it.

[D]

It's so important to have one. Honestly, I love talking to my therapist. I love getting things out on the table, venting, figuring things out with them.

[C]

Yeah. And so if you're thinking about trying therapy, you can give better help a try. It's flexible, convenient, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a quick questionnaire and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no extra charge. So find your bright spot this season with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.comsmosSmouth today to get 10% off your first month.

[Chosen]

That's BetterHelp.

[C]

H E L P.comsmosSmouth Shane, when you.

[D]

Go to the bathroom, do you shut the door behind you?

[Chosen]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, of course you do. Why?

[Chosen]

What?

[D]

You shut the door behind you because you want privacy. Is that right?

[C]

Of course.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah.

[D]

Your online privacy is very important, especially your browsing history. Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[Chosen]

That's why I use ExpressVPN.

[C]

You should, too.

[D]

Okay. That was my line, actually. Going on the Internet without a VPN is like going to the bathroom without shutting the door. Your online privacy is so important. You know that these companies will sell your info to ads and tech giants.

[Chosen]

That sounds pretty bad.

[D]

That's why ExpressVPN is great. It creates a secure, encrypted tunnel between your device and the Internet.

[Chosen]

That's crazy.

[C]

Does it work on your phone?

[Sarah Christ]

Yes.

[D]

It works on your phone and your laptop and your router, and anyone on your wifi is protected.

[Chosen]

That's pretty awesome.

[D]

It is pretty awesome, Shane. And so all you need to do is go onto the ExpressVPN app, click the button, and download it, and you're done. It's super easy.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, I. I did that.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah.

[D]

So stop going to the bathroom with the door open.

[Chosen]

I don't.

[D]

And protect your online privacy.

[C]

I do.

[D]

Okay, well, great. Get an extra three months of ExpressVPN free at ExpressVPN.com Smoshmouth that's ExpressVPN.com Smoshmouth for three extra months free ExpressVPN.com Smoshmouth.

[Chosen]

Sarah, Christ, you have not dealt with the devils that I have.

[Sarah Christ]

Tell me about it.

[Chosen]

Actual devils. One time my. My buddy Chris, he. He had, unfortunately had a run in with a Ouija board, which you did.

[Sarah Christ]

Not with a Ouija board.

[Chosen]

Did you do not with Ouija boards.

[Sarah Christ]

If you do a Ouija board on burial ground, you are. Thank you.

[Chosen]

Yeah, I know that. They did it at a cemetery, no less. And of course they should all be arrested, actually. Well, they had ancient constables coming after them.

[Sarah Christ]

Well, I'll. I'll arrest the ancient constables as well.

[Chosen]

Cannot arrest them. They're. They're ethereal.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah. Watch me.

[Chosen]

The handcuffs would go. Unless you had perhaps silver handcuffs.

[Sarah Christ]

I have an suv. I'm fine. Watch me. I got new tires. Continue.

[Chosen]

Ghost tires or what? Why?

[Sarah Christ]

No, at America's Tire, I don't think they're ghost tires unless I can order those.

[Chosen]

Okay, well, good luck arresting a ghost.

[Sarah Christ]

Okay? Watch me. I put a GPS on worse.

[Chosen]

Look, I. I'm not taking you ghost hunting again. We did that once. And you ended up freaking tackling a guy who was just outside of a nightclub.

[Sarah Christ]

I thought he was a ghost killer.

[Chosen]

He was a bouncer. Which was very impressive that you completely tackled him off his feet.

[Sarah Christ]

Trust me, I can tackle a 500 pound man easy.

[Chosen]

He was knocked out cold.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, he was. Poor guy. His name was Steven, which. I like that name, sweetie. But you know what? He looked at me weird and I was like, you're out of here. He asked for my id and I was like, get the fuck out of here. I'm taking you down.

[Chosen]

And you did.

[Sarah Christ]

And I did. And I'll do it again.

[Chosen]

Another mystery if we can move on. Yes, sir, another mystery. One of my favorites is the mystery of D.B. cooper. Have you ever heard of this?

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, of course I've heard of this.

[Chosen]

Yeah, I've been studying this one for a long time. Back in, I believe it was the 60s. No, it's 1971.

[Sarah Christ]

Very cold. It's a cold case.

[Chosen]

D.B. cooper, he hijacked a plane.

[Sarah Christ]

Yep.

[Chosen]

And ransomed everyone on that. On the plane. He held him hostage, essentially. Even though he was known as being very suave and very calm and very almost charming.

[Sarah Christ]

They said, yeah, those are the murderers that you got to look out for.

[Chosen]

He parked the plane. Well, the crew did, and they gave him a bunch of money and a parachute. The plane took off again with the crew and him, and somewhere over Oregon, he parachuted out the back of the plane. Which is why northwest. Nowadays, planes, they. They don't Allow their. The back staircase to go down. Back staircase flight. Because of D.B. cooper? Yeah. No. So somewhere over Oregon, he. He parachuted and his body was never recovered. So his identity and his whereabouts are still a mystery to this day. He could still be alive. Rich as hell.

[Sarah Christ]

He's probably alive and rich. And you know who he's probably friends with? The Creekside Killer.

[Chosen]

It's very likely.

[Sarah Christ]

I doubt this guy would know how to put on a parachute, but he probably could figure it out. He's got a lot of friends, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, a lot of friends. And he's got a lot of places that he can hide, you know what I'm saying?

[Chosen]

And what makes you think this?

[Sarah Christ]

Cause I know it in my bones. Pacific Northwest is a tricky place.

[Chosen]

It is.

[Sarah Christ]

So DB Cooper probably hooked up with the Creekside Killer, and they've probably been going around ransacking that place.

[Chosen]

Yeah. Every time I'm on a plane, I try to put myself in D.B. cooper's shoes, and I think, how would. What mindset would he be in? How would he do this?

[Sarah Christ]

Every time you're on a plane, you put yourself in D.B. cooper's shoes.

[Chosen]

I think about it, metaphorically speaking. Wow. And I usually go to the back bathroom, and I think, okay, if I were to jump out of here, what would my next move be?

[Sarah Christ]

Never go in the back bathroom.

[Chosen]

I always go to the bathroom.

[Sarah Christ]

That's where people destroy it.

[Chosen]

Yes. But I use that to test my constitution.

[Sarah Christ]

What?

[Chosen]

My constitution. You know, like my. My. My strength of handling bad tastes and smells and stuff like that. It's a Dungeons and Dragons term.

[Sarah Christ]

You probably wouldn't. Yeah, I don't. I don't know these dragons or these dungeons, but it sounds like a cult.

[Chosen]

It's not a cult. Even though the Satanic Panic made it seem so during the 80s and 90s.

[Sarah Christ]

Wow.

[Chosen]

Yeah.

[Sarah Christ]

You have a lot of knowledge I could use. You.

[Chosen]

Ask me anything, I probably know the answer.

[Sarah Christ]

Where's D.B. cooper?

[Chosen]

He's in He. So he left. He wasn't going to stay in Oregon. That's. They would think that he would do that. No. He would travel into the Mojave Desert. There, he would change his identity again. He would get a long wig, grow out a long beard. Nobody could travel through the Mojave Desert.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah.

[Chosen]

Not many people think to look there. I have, but I have spent many, many years in the Mojave Desert.

[Sarah Christ]

I've spent a couple months.

[Chosen]

Yeah.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah. I fell off a camel during a trip of travel, and they never came Back for me.

[Chosen]

Interesting.

[Sarah Christ]

So I was out there for months.

[Chosen]

Camels in the Mojave Desert.

[Sarah Christ]

Correct. It was a wild time. I got a Groupon. It's my mom's idea. She is a nightmare. I swear to God. So, yeah, I got a Groupon and they just left me out there. Luckily, I had a bunch of granola bars, and I just took them all down on the first day.

[Chosen]

And you probably, like me, learned to be able to break cactuses in half and drink their supple water.

[Sarah Christ]

Cactuses have water?

[Chosen]

It's. How did you survive?

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, my God. You don't want to know. I met a family. It was wild. I basically changed. Yeah, we won't talk about that anymore.

[Chosen]

All right, fine.

[Sarah Christ]

There's a lover for me in Mojave Desert.

[Chosen]

Would you like to move on to another mystery?

[Sarah Christ]

Yes, sir. Because these mysteries. When you tell me about these mysteries, this is going to help my knowledge to find the Creekside Killer. Because I think we've decided that the Creekside Killer is a mysterious man.

[Chosen]

Absolutely. And we all know that mysteries are only unsolved until they are solved. So the more we solve mysteries, the better we get at solving others.

[Sarah Christ]

Yes. And once we solve them, they get solved.

[Chosen]

We must create hypertrophy in our own brains.

[Sarah Christ]

Take that back. Roll the credits. What?

[Chosen]

Hypertrophy in our own brains?

[Sarah Christ]

God, you're like a dictionary of mystery.

[Chosen]

That's right.

[Sarah Christ]

Did you make that word up?

[Chosen]

Hypertrophy? Yeah, perhaps.

[Sarah Christ]

Here, let me look it up on my phone.

[Chosen]

You don't have to. You have the Internet on your Nokia.

[Sarah Christ]

I just have Snake. Yeah, it's a sick game. And when you're waiting in line for Jack in the Box, it passes the time like nobody's business. You get your chicken sandwich in two seconds.

[Chosen]

Do you know, speaking of Snake, I've played every single Metal Gear Solid.

[Sarah Christ]

I literally have no idea what you're talking about. I literally have zero idea what you're talking about. And I actually went to a place that I wish I didn't just hearing that word.

[Chosen]

Metal Gear Solid is a government program. They hired a man known as Hideo Kojima to create the closest thing to a military simulator so the CIA could track. Sorry, I get a little flustered when I think back on this.

[Sarah Christ]

My God.

[Chosen]

Metal Gear Solid is a CIA training program. It's covert. It's out in the open. People don't realize.

[Sarah Christ]

Wait, it's covert and out in the open?

[Chosen]

Well, it's. People don't realize that it's a CIA training program.

[Sarah Christ]

It's Covert. Out in the open.

[Chosen]

Yes.

[Sarah Christ]

CIA training program. And yet you know about it. You live with your parents. You live with your parents.

[Chosen]

Don't with my parents.

[C]

Sarah.

[Chosen]

Christ.

[Sarah Christ]

Listen, the first step of addiction is admitting it. You're addicted to addiction.

[Chosen]

I'm not addicted to anything. The only thing I'm addicted to is purpose.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, purpose of living with your parents. You can save money.

[Chosen]

God.

[Sarah Christ]

Get out in the real world, buddy. Pay your taxes. Okay.

[Chosen]

Bell Gear Solid is a training program created by the CIA to test who out there has the capabilities of being a secret awesome military spy is awesome in the. Yes, that's in their wording. And. And see, I beat every single Metal Gear Solid game, including Metal Gear 1 and 2. I beat them all with perfect scores. And in fact, even in metal gear solid 4, guns of the Patriots, I had a no kill rate, which is borderline impossible. But I did it. And then the CIA has been after me ever since.

[Sarah Christ]

Okay, so this is a video game?

[Chosen]

You may. That's one way to call it, but it's much more than that.

[Sarah Christ]

CIA is after you? Yeah.

[Chosen]

They've been trying to recruit me ever since I turned 18. Even before that, actually, middle school. Ever since I beat Snake Eater. They. They had their eyes on me.

[Sarah Christ]

Snake Eater?

[Chosen]

Yeah. That's metal gear solid 3. Snake eater. You play as big boss?

[Sarah Christ]

I love.

[Chosen]

Sorry. When I think about it, I start talking like him a little bit.

[Sarah Christ]

Wow.

[Chosen]

Yeah. Yeah. My voice kind of turned this way while playing Metal Gear Solid. It had an influence on me.

[Sarah Christ]

So what does the CIA want from you?

[Chosen]

My skills. They view me as a weapon.

[Sarah Christ]

You're a weapon.

[Chosen]

Yeah. Look at me.

[Sarah Christ]

I am. And you have a shark tooth. Puka shell necklace, which I got myself.

[Chosen]

The puka shell necklace?

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah.

[Chosen]

You see this shark tooth?

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, I see it.

[Chosen]

I got it myself.

[Sarah Christ]

How?

[Chosen]

My family and I were visiting Disney World in Orlando, and on one of the days, we went to the beach and I decided to go out for a little swim.

[Sarah Christ]

Wow. It's like I had a boner and it just went away. Got soft real quick, huh?

[Chosen]

And so you got your. Sorry, it's hard to remember and think back on this because it's a.

[Sarah Christ]

Because Disneyland, there's a lot of rides.

[Chosen]

Well, Disney World.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, my bad.

[Chosen]

Disneyland is in Anaheim, California.

[Sarah Christ]

Correct. Okay, so you went to Florida.

[Chosen]

So we were in Orlando. We went to the beach and I said, I'm gonna go out into the ocean and swim. And they said, be careful of riptides. And I said, I know I'm not gonna get Catch by a riptide. I'm a very good swimmer. That's part of the reason the CIA is after me. Because I'm basically. I'm like. Basically a Navy seal. And I can hold my breath for a really long time.

[Sarah Christ]

How long?

[Chosen]

So long. Every time when my parents are driving and I'm in the backseat and we go through a tunnel, I hold my breath and I basically. I've never. I've never had to take a breath. Any tunnel.

[Sarah Christ]

Wow.

[Chosen]

Yeah. Any tunnel in the US I can freaking hold my breath throughout the whole thing.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah.

[Chosen]

Even the CIA tunnels underneath Denver International Airport.

[Sarah Christ]

You held your breath the whole time in our CIA tunnels?

[Chosen]

Yeah, in case there was noxious gases.

[Sarah Christ]

Noxious, yeah.

[Chosen]

Which is also why I can use the back bathroom in airplanes. Because I hold my breath, Sarah. Christ.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, you should teach me how to hold my breath. Any breath from bullshit.

[Chosen]

Anyways, yep. So I'm swimming out in the beach in Orlando, Florida. And then as I'm sitting there, doggy paddling through the waves. Yeah, well, it's actually the most efficient way to swim. And they don't tell you that, but it's actually, if you really need to swim for a long amount of time.

[Sarah Christ]

Doggy paddle.

[Chosen]

Doggy paddle? Yeah, it's just got an unfortunate name.

[Sarah Christ]

But because you look like a little puppy doggy.

[Chosen]

I haven't water. No, I doggy paddle because I am effectively one of the Diamond Dogs, which you would also understand if you played Metal Gear Solid.

[Sarah Christ]

Anyways, I literally don't understand it.

[Chosen]

Yeah, that's okay. So I'm doggy paddling in Orlando, Florida, and then suddenly I felt something bump my right thigh.

[Sarah Christ]

What?

[Chosen]

Yeah. I look down and I see a shadow shift beneath me.

[Sarah Christ]

Boner's back.

[Chosen]

And I realize this is a shark. And then it. It came straight for my midsection and I grabbed its snout. And I'm sitting there thrashing it.

[Sarah Christ]

Whoa.

[Chosen]

I'm thrashing it. And everyone's. Nobody even noticed. Everybody was going about their day not realizing I'm fighting a battle with. With Neptune himself. One of his agents is after me. But I wrestled this shark away until I got it into a frickin headlock. And then I reached my hand right there and I grabbed one of its front teeth and I ripped it out. And then I gathered some puka shells I found on the beach and some string I also found at a souvenir shop nearby. And I constructed this necklace right then and there. And the power of that mako shark, or perhaps some other kind of shark. But Probably a mako shark. Could have been a bull shark. I don't freaking know.

[Sarah Christ]

It could have been a hammerhead.

[Chosen]

Could. Well, well no, actually it could have been a hammerhead.

[Sarah Christ]

It could have been, yeah. Hammerhead probably wouldn't let you get close to its teeth. I don't know a single shark that probably would let you get close to its teeth. So I'm not really sure what you.

[Chosen]

They wouldn't let me get close. I got close myself by my own pure strength and will. And nobody saw you. And now I have the strength of sharks within me, which is this. This acts as a charm and allows me to hold my breath for even frickin longer. Basically. Can hold my breath forever.

[Sarah Christ]

Forever, yeah.

[Chosen]

I've just never tested it because I'm impatient.

[Sarah Christ]

Well, I think that's an excellent story.

[Chosen]

One time I was at the wave pool at Waterworld. The way.

[Sarah Christ]

Let me guess, were your parents there?

[Chosen]

No, my parents weren't there.

[Sarah Christ]

How'd you get there?

[Chosen]

I freaking went there with my friends.

[Sarah Christ]

Who had a car? Who was driving you young kids?

[Chosen]

Bobby.

[Sarah Christ]

Bobby is a fucking nightmare. Give me.

[Chosen]

He is a nightmare. He shot me with his freaking paintball gun. A million.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, I know. Give me his address and I'll not.

[Chosen]

Gonna give you Bobby's address. I know you'll fucking kill him.

[Sarah Christ]

I'll talk to him first.

[Chosen]

Know what? You won't.

[Sarah Christ]

What's his last name?

[Chosen]

Let me handle Bobby myself.

[Sarah Christ]

What's his last name?

[Chosen]

Telling you Bobby's last name.

[Sarah Christ]

I'll find out. Okay. So you were in a wave pool when your parents dropped you off?

[Chosen]

Yeah. And. And. But the waves got freaking crazy and I got. I was sucked underneath and it was so crowded that people's feet were kicking me and I couldn't even get up. But I. I was down there for like basically a freaking half hour.

[Sarah Christ]

A half hour?

[Chosen]

Yeah.

[Sarah Christ]

We're in a wave because I think.

[Chosen]

Their systems were broken. Probably the CIA trying to test me again.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, probably. Or somebody pooped in the pool and they just stopped the waves, which is normally what happens. It's a criminal act, pooping in pools. But kids do it all the time because they're freaking. Don't care about society.

[Chosen]

That's true. Yeah. But anyways, the CIA is always trying to recruit me. MIT was trying to get me into their school.

[Sarah Christ]

Freaking MIT was trying to get. Yeah.

[Chosen]

Cause I'm so good at coding. But it's like. It's like I don't want to. I don't want to stoop down to that level. It's like. It's like, why go back to first grade?

[Sarah Christ]

First grade, mit. I never even went to college. I went straight into the force. Yeah, So I basically have a shark tooth, too. It's called my fucking badge. You want to know how I got this badge?

[Chosen]

You graduated police academy.

[Sarah Christ]

Yes, and I climbed walls to do it. And you know how many men told me I couldn't? A lot. They all told me I couldn't do it. And I said, yeah, watch my ass when I run in front of you. And they did. They all wanted my ass. And I was like, not me. I'm a special officer. They literally all wanted my ass. And I almost. You know, I didn't give it. I didn't give it up. You know what I did give up my soul to the devil. That's what happens when you join the force. And then I became a detective.

[Chosen]

And then you searched after this Creekside Killer. So you were after the Creekside Killer before you became a detective?

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah.

[Chosen]

Wow.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, because the Creekside Killer, I know him.

[Chosen]

Do you think the Creekside Killer knows you?

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, yeah. He's taunting me. Sending me little. Little love notes here and there around the Pacific Northwest with those little footprints everywhere. He's taunting me.

[Chosen]

It harkens one of the most treacherous possibilities, which is that we live to fight the darkness, but without the darkness, what would we be? Is that our purpose? Can we survive without the darkness with which we fight? Do you think the Creekside Killer does what he does because he's trying to give you purpose?

[Sarah Christ]

I think so. I think when you fight in the darkness, beings live in the darkness to keep us fighting so that maybe one day we can find the light. That was pretty cool. You should write that down.

[Chosen]

Yeah, I got it memorized.

[Sarah Christ]

Really?

[Chosen]

Yeah, got that memorized. All of Ender's Game memorized. Pretty much the entire Voynich manuscript, which is another mystery. It's a book that was discovered in the 1500s with mysterious writings and drawings. People have never been able to decipher it, but I have it fully memorized and I've pretty much figured it out.

[Sarah Christ]

What's the main message?

[Chosen]

The main message is that something is coming. Something so sinister and cruel that none of us can fathom it, but I. Except for me.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, you can fathom it.

[Chosen]

Yeah. Which is part of being chosen. That I know that it's coming.

[Sarah Christ]

So how do I get into this chosen ceremony since I, you know, I'm an ex detective and they took my gun.

[Chosen]

You cannot be chosen, Sarah. Christ, I'm Sorry, what? I'm sorry, Sarah. Christ, you are. I respect you.

[Sarah Christ]

Tell me what I need to do to become chosen.

[Chosen]

Well, you'd have to stop having sex with people so much.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, fuck that. I'm not doing that. Then.

[Chosen]

Sorry. That's strange.

[Sarah Christ]

Is there another way that I can be like, you know, chosen adjacent where I can keep having sex and live my life and smoke cigarettes, but not because I'm quitting. How do I get in this league of chosen men and wolves and moons?

[Chosen]

I would have to talk to the chosen council. But to speak with them, to bring you to see the chosen council would be. Be against protocol. I could get. I could get in serious shit.

[Sarah Christ]

Can I ask a sincere question?

[Chosen]

Yeah.

[Sarah Christ]

Is the chosen council your parents?

[Chosen]

No. The chosen. God damn.

[Sarah Christ]

Are your parents the chosen council?

[Chosen]

They're not. My parents are not chosen.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, you didn't even get your parents in the Chosen. Oh, yeah, because they had sex to have you.

[Chosen]

Yeah. I didn't become chosen until I was in middle school. And then on one night, I was chosen. And I also choose to be chosen. And I make that choice every day. To be chosen.

[Sarah Christ]

Okay.

[Chosen]

Ever since I was 11, the day I became a man.

[Sarah Christ]

You, 11?

[Chosen]

Yeah. Yeah. When you're chosen, you're forced to grow up fast.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah.

[Chosen]

Just like Tom Hanks in Big.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah.

[Chosen]

You know that at one time I went to one of those machines and it did grant me a wish.

[Sarah Christ]

What was your wish?

[Chosen]

My wish? My wish was to be the strongest being on earth. And it granted it. But then I refused to take it.

[Sarah Christ]

Why?

[Chosen]

Because I need to earn it. A wish does not feel earned. I don't deal with. I don't make deals with supernatural beings, including devils, djinns, any. Anything of that nature.

[Sarah Christ]

No, I cannot jinn like a genie from Aladdin.

[Chosen]

But they're far more powerful.

[Sarah Christ]

They seem so sweet.

[Chosen]

Though not all of them. Gotta be careful. Leprechauns.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, yeah. I have a leprechaun living in my neighborhood. He's insane. He lives in the trees. He's outrageous. He just keeps pooping on my suv, so every time I come out, there's just white shit everywhere.

[Chosen]

That's a leprechaun?

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, pretty sure. Oh, that's what my ex husband said. Hmm.

[Chosen]

Do you think there's ever a chance that you could reconcile with your ex husband?

[Sarah Christ]

No. He stole my drone. I had it flying around his house and he figured out a way to bring it down and he stole it. So, no, I will not reconcile with my ex husband unless he gives me my drone back. Because there's a lot. There's a lot on that drone that I need. I got the special military Ops drone, the X500.

[Chosen]

Yeah, I know about that bad boy.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, it stores images, files. It actually caught a hummingbird in flight once, which was pretty wild. I. I can't rewatch that. I can never rewatch that.

[Chosen]

That's Sarah Christ. That is a crime against the supernatural. You know that hummingbirds are harbingers of. Of. Of the deceased?

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, they're basically old women who die and come back as hummingbirds. That's all they want to come back as. So, yeah, they're. Everyone's grandma is just fucking flying around and I have videos of it taking it down.

[Chosen]

You captured it?

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, I took a video of a hummingbird.

[Chosen]

Oh, I thought you, like, actually caught it with your drone.

[Sarah Christ]

No, I did not catch hummingbirds with my drone. That's illegal.

[Chosen]

Oh, okay.

[Sarah Christ]

Have to arrest them.

[Chosen]

Glad that. I'm glad that that's not what you did. I got confused for a second.

[Sarah Christ]

Now, my ex husband took down my drone with a net. He found a large net from the pool that he barely will let me swim in, and he grabbed my drone and he won't give it back. I'm finding a way to break into his house, so don't worry, I got that cupboard.

[Chosen]

Sarah Christ. You. You cannot break into someone's house. If you try to do that, I will have to stand in your way.

[Sarah Christ]

If you stand in my way, I will fight you to the end of time.

[Chosen]

Sarah Christ. A battle against me would not go how you would want it to go.

[Sarah Christ]

Chosen. A battle against me means you sell me your soul and you work with me until the end of time, filing whatever I ask you to file. What will it be?

[Chosen]

You cannot. You cannot stray me from my ways, Sarah Christ. I am chosen and I serve the chosen no matter what.

[Sarah Christ]

Well, will the chosen serve me and help me take down the Creekside Killer once and for all?

[Chosen]

I will not serve you. But we can, okay? Our purposes are aligned and we will find the Creekside Killer, serve the Dungeons.

[Sarah Christ]

And Dragons and find the Creekside Killer with me.

[Chosen]

That's kind of mean, but how does that mean? Just, you're just kind of. The way you're talking about Dungeons and Dragons sounds a little.

[Sarah Christ]

Serve the magical creatures of the dragons in the dungeons.

[Chosen]

All right, fine, whatever.

[Sarah Christ]

Serve the.

[Chosen]

Yeah, we will find the Creekside Killer.

[Sarah Christ]

Okay? We'll hold our breaths underground and we'll find him.

[Chosen]

Yeah, that's right.

[Sarah Christ]

When are you available? When will Your parents let you be free?

[Chosen]

Pretty much whenever I frickin want. Okay, it's time for our ending segment. Unless there's something else you'd want to say.

[Sarah Christ]

Well, there is something else I want to say.

[Chosen]

Okay.

[Sarah Christ]

I got a tip.

[Chosen]

Yeah?

[Sarah Christ]

Your mom, she might be involved.

[Chosen]

No, that's. That's not possible.

[Sarah Christ]

Your mom might be in communication with who? I think the Creekside Killer is.

[Chosen]

What?

[Sarah Christ]

Joanne Fabric. I don't know about that.

[Chosen]

I should have expected that the Creekside Killer would try to get close to me in some way.

[Sarah Christ]

He knew that we were working together. He's keeping tabs on me.

[Chosen]

I've always feared. It's why I try to keep my parents identity secret. I'm stupid for saying where she works on this podcast.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah. Joanne Fabrics.

[Chosen]

Don't repeat it.

[Sarah Christ]

Joanne Fabrics. Don't.

[Chosen]

Stop it.

[Sarah Christ]

Well, listen, she had clear communication with who? I think the Creekside Killer is this man with a braid in his beard. And I think that your mom is in danger. So in order to find the Creekside Killer, we have to go to Joanne Fabrics.

[Chosen]

Okay.

[Sarah Christ]

After this podcast.

[Chosen]

Sounds good. All right.

[Sarah Christ]

Wanna come in my car?

[Chosen]

Sure.

[Sarah Christ]

Okay. You're gonna get. You're gonna get filthy.

[Chosen]

Okay, fine. I have. Like I said, I have high constitution. I'll hold my breath the entire time.

[Sarah Christ]

Okay, well, I have ketchup stains still on my jeep.

[Chosen]

Can we stop at 7:11? I need to get a Mountain Dew.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, I'll try one of those too. That sounds fun. Anything that'll jolt me awake.

[Chosen]

Yeah, it's freaking. Well. Okay.

[Sarah Christ]

Okay.

[Chosen]

Very good, very good. It's time for Jaw Drop, our ending segment. This is where we reveal a fact about ourselves that is so unbelievable it makes the other guest's jaw drop. Okay, do you want to go first? You want me to go first?

[Sarah Christ]

You to go first?

[Chosen]

Very well. I will tell you some facts that are I've never told anyone before, ever. If you're listening to this or watching this, get ready for a fucking lore dump. Okay?

[Sarah Christ]

Fuck.

[Chosen]

I've never talked about this before.

[Sarah Christ]

Let the wolves guide you.

[Chosen]

I participated in the battle of M2XFE in the online game Eve Online. It was the greatest battle frickin ever. It's one of the most expensive battles in video game history. It cost like friggin hundreds of thousands of dollars because of so many starships getting destroyed. It was a battle that lasted so long and I was at the heart of it. I was fighting for peace the entire time. But it didn't come. It was awful. And what people Also don't realize is I also fought in the second biggest battle in Eve Online. The battle of BR5RB was another frickin crazy battle and it was friggin forever. You probably don't know what I'm talking about, so I'll give you another fact.

[Sarah Christ]

I have literally no idea. I want my jaw to drop, but I just. I'm not even here right now.

[Chosen]

I was also there at the center of it. I witnessed patient zero of the Corrupted Blood incident in World of Warcraft. The corrupted Blood incident was a frickin virus. It was a glitch in the system that transferred to a whole server. It was devastating. It was so devastating that biologists have actually used it to study how viruses transfer in real life. But of course, in many ways World of Warcraft is real life. It reflects our true nature more than life ever could. And I was there. My character, a frickin Tauren warrior, was corrupted by the corrupted blood, but somehow resisted it and was able to recover. I was one of the only ones. Was awful. Anyways, some of our listeners jaws have dropped so hard that they look like that girl from the ring. The girl in the closet.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it. I just blacked out right then and there. So. That sounds fun.

[Chosen]

Yeah. Those are some three insane facts about myself.

[Sarah Christ]

Wow.

[Chosen]

Yeah.

[Sarah Christ]

Sounds like you travel to other planets in your room, on your computer, which is pretty wild.

[Chosen]

I have programs that allow me to actually transfer my consciousness into cyberspace. I exist there in many ways. Which is why I'm often trying to help you. You don't realize, but I'm searching for the Creekside killer in. In the cybersphere.

[Sarah Christ]

Are you?

[Chosen]

Yeah. If he ever enters there in any sort of capacity, I can see him with my own eyes. I exist there. My body, my consciousness, my anatomy exists within the cybersphere. But my veins are wires, my brain a motherboard.

[Sarah Christ]

Sounds like the Matrix. You've seen that movie?

[Chosen]

My muscles Ram. Yeah, it's basically the Matrix. I freaking know the Matrix. Of the best movie series of all time.

[Sarah Christ]

Well, next time you're in Ram, let me know and I'll pop in there and serve him a warrant for his arrest. Or I'll just tackle him right then and there. Because I can jump in your world, right? Is that how that works, Sarah?

[Chosen]

Christ, if you tried to jump into the cybersphere, your head would explode.

[Sarah Christ]

Fine.

[Chosen]

It takes training and focus.

[Sarah Christ]

Can you train me?

[Chosen]

Perhaps only if you can do a hundred push ups, 100 sit ups, 100 squats and a 10 kilometer run every day.

[Sarah Christ]

No.

[Chosen]

Okay, then. No, I'm sorry.

[Sarah Christ]

Okay, well, great.

[Chosen]

All right.

[Sarah Christ]

And I'm only available 5am to 6am here's my. Here's my draw. Here's my jaw drop.

[Chosen]

All right.

[Sarah Christ]

Fun little fact. I've never told a single soul about this. Last Christmas, I went to Macy's, bought a pair of black heels. I took them home. It was dark. I waited till everyone went to bed. I slipped on these black heels. They were naturalistics, so they were comfy. Didn't matter. I walked out my door in these heels. So. First time ever wearing heels in my life. I walked down my steps, I saw a man coming out of his house, and I fucking flipped out. And I completely slipped off my stairs, twisted my ankle and fell flat on my face. And I fell asleep there all night. I took those heels. I found a ditch in the woods near my mom's house, and I burned them and I buried them. And I never told a single soul about the time I wore heels once. Almost died that day. And that's my jaw drop because it literally made me drop to my knees by breaking my fucking ankle. And I fell asleep on the ground. Not the first time I've slept outside.

[Chosen]

You attempted to feel what a different life could have been, and then you buried that different life and burned it.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah. Never again. You will never catch me in heels ever in my life, because you can't run in heels. And I need to be ready to run.

[Chosen]

That's. I mean, I don't know if that's true.

[Sarah Christ]

I think people can. You literally can't run in heels. I don't know if it's. I don't know a single person. I mean, Beyonce could probably do it, but she's.

[Chosen]

But she's chosen.

[Sarah Christ]

She's chosen. I fucking knew it. Fucking knew it. Who else is chosen?

[Chosen]

Taylor Lautner.

[Sarah Christ]

I thought you're gonna say Taylor Swift, and I was like, yeah, Taylor Lautner is not chosen.

[Chosen]

Taylor Swift is.

[Sarah Christ]

Oh, Taylor Lautner is chosen. Is that why he always says backflips?

[Chosen]

Yes, that's why he does backflips. Michael B. Jordan.

[Sarah Christ]

Chris Pine.

[Chosen]

Chris Pine is unfortunately not chosen. Yeah, he's an awesome freaking actor.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, that makes sense to me.

[Chosen]

Freaking loved him in Star Trek and Dungeons and Drag. Yeah. There are many chosens out there. Abraham Lincoln was a chosen.

[Sarah Christ]

That's why you said Abraham Lincoln.

[Chosen]

That's right.

[Sarah Christ]

I knew it.

[Chosen]

But I know one thing. The Creekside Killer is not chosen. He is the opposite of chosen. And we are going to find him.

[Sarah Christ]

And that we can agree on before.

[Chosen]

We end this episode and before we embark on our mission together.

[Sarah Christ]

The first save your mom.

[Chosen]

Right. Sarah Christ. You may not be chosen, but you have earned my respect. And as an honorary kind of chosen, this is kind of like a thing. I am giving you a pair of sunglasses.

[Sarah Christ]

Okay. They're filthy, but thank you.

[Chosen]

Well, I just got them at Walmart.

[Sarah Christ]

But that means everyone's been touching them and putting them on.

[Chosen]

Well, I mean, maybe I'll dust them later. Yeah.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah.

[Chosen]

But you're gonna need these. I've charmed them. So they will protect you from dark forces and temptation, and they will allow you to see supernatural beings. Be careful. In this room, even you might see things you've never seen before.

[Sarah Christ]

Pretty much looks the same to me.

[Chosen]

They just need to kind of calibrate.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah. Okay. So it takes overnight.

[Chosen]

Yeah.

[Sarah Christ]

I'm honestly, all jokes aside, I'm honored.

[Chosen]

I'm glad.

[Sarah Christ]

I got something for you. I wasn't gonna give it to you, but I'm gonna give it to you now.

[Chosen]

It's not a loose lifesaver.

[Sarah Christ]

It's a cigarette.

[Chosen]

Okay. I will hold on to it. That looks like it's already been lit.

[Sarah Christ]

It's been in my pocket for 10 years, but here you go. I've put my lips on it many times and haven't lit it, but that's a cigarette for you.

[Chosen]

Thank you, Sarah Christ.

[Sarah Christ]

You're welcome.

[Chosen]

And thank you for watching this episode of Smoshmouth. If you ever see anyone who you believe to be the Creekside Killer, let us know. And let us know in the comments down below any mysteries that you've dealt with in your life, and we can try to help solve them. And let us know if you want to see us back here on this show.

[Sarah Christ]

Yeah, let us know if you want us to talk about anything other than what we talked about today.

[Chosen]

That's right. Goodbye.

[Sarah Christ]

Goodbye. We'll see you later. Watch out. I might jump in your pool.

[Chosen]

Yeah.

[Sarah Christ]

Yep.

[Chosen]

All right. All right. Very good.

[Sarah Christ]

Goodbye. Okay, I guess I'll make a phone call. Yeah, boss, I'm almost done. No, it's not my kid. It's this chosen guy. All right. See you later. Want to go get a snack?