S1: #16 - Coming Out, Dating & First Kisses | The Pride Pod

Summary

Podcast Summary: Smosh Mouth | S1: #16 - Coming Out, Dating & First Kisses | The Pride Pod

Episode Overview

In the sixteenth episode of "Smosh Mouth," titled "Coming Out, Dating & First Kisses | The Pride Pod," hosts Shayne Topp (short), Amanda Lehan-Canto (tall), alongside guest co-hosts Tommy Bo and Monica Vasanandi, delve into personal experiences surrounding sexuality, coming out stories, dating, and the nuances of first kisses within the LGBTQ+ community. Released on June 5, 2019, this Pride-themed episode offers an engaging and heartfelt discussion aimed at demystifying various aspects of queer identity and relationships.

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1. Introduction to the Episode

The episode kicks off with playful banter among the hosts, setting a lighthearted tone before transitioning into more serious topics. Courtney Miller humorously addresses the group's typical composition, highlighting the presence of a "white guy with a beard," which leads into the introduction of guest co-hosts Tommy Bo and Monica Vasanandi.

Notable Quote:

• Courtney Miller [01:00]: "We always have to have a white guy with a beard somewhere."

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2. Coming Out Stories

The conversation naturally shifts to personal narratives about coming out, a central theme of Pride Month.

a. Courtney Miller's Experience Courtney shares her experience of coming out on a previous episode of Smosh, revealing that she hadn't informed her father beforehand. This revelation led her father to discover her orientation through the podcast, an oversight she regrets.

Notable Quotes:

• Courtney Miller [04:03]: "When I came out on that episode, I hadn't told my dad yet."
• Courtney Miller [04:56]: "He was like, hey, love you. I was like, hey, I'm really sorry."

b. Tommy Bo's Experience Tommy recounts his journey of recognizing his sexuality from a young age, dealing with societal expectations, and eventually embracing his identity. He emphasizes the importance of self-acceptance and the challenges faced when trying to conform to stereotypical norms.

Notable Quotes:

• Tommy Bo [16:17]: "I remember thinking gay thoughts since I was like in elementary school."
• Tommy Bo [72:10]: "Having the curiosity and the acceptance is the gay agenda."

c. Monica Vasanandi's Experience Monica discusses her coming out process within an Indian cultural context, highlighting initial resistance from her parents and the gradual acceptance over time. She underscores the emotional toll and the importance of supportive family members.

Notable Quotes:

• Monica Vasanandi [34:09]: "I came out to my brother and he was really supportive."
• Monica Vasanandi [36:12]: "It's tough because, like, obviously I want it to be easy for people to come out."

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3. Dating Experiences

The hosts explore their dating histories, touching upon the complexities of relationships within the LGBTQ+ community.

a. Courtney Miller's Experiences Courtney reflects on her dating life, including relationships with both men and women. She shares anecdotes about her first kisses with girls during her youth, expressing confusion and self-doubt during those experiences.

Notable Quotes:

• Courtney Miller [16:53]: "My first makeout were both girls."
• Courtney Miller [21:54]: "It was that crazy night ever."

b. Tommy Bo's Experiences Tommy discusses his dating experiences, noting a pattern where he often dates individuals who are still figuring out their identities. He expresses a desire for a stable, committed relationship in the future.

Notable Quotes:

• Tommy Bo [25:07]: "I don't know if we offered an unsure."
• Tommy Bo [66:31]: "I want my wife... a partnership."

c. Monica Vasanandi's Experiences Monica shares her brief relationships and her tendency to ghost, explaining her discomfort with ending relationships openly. She also touches upon her preferences and the challenges of finding compatible partners.

Notable Quotes:

• Monica Vasanandi [17:29]: "I dated a couple guys. The longest was two weeks."
• Monica Vasanandi [26:32]: "My first kiss or my first gay kiss? Different. Totally different experiences."

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4. First Kisses

The discussion delves into the intricacies of first kisses, highlighting varied experiences among the hosts.

a. Courtney Miller Courtney narrates her first kiss with a girl during a sleepover, detailing the awkwardness and emotional aftermath. She describes her struggle with understanding her feelings and the societal pressures she faced.

Notable Quotes:

• Courtney Miller [19:11]: "I just dismissed it always."
• Courtney Miller [21:54]: "It was like, what was I doing?"

b. Tommy Bo Tommy recounts his first gay kiss, marked by the dynamics of high school rivalry and the barriers to open expression. He emphasizes the difference between knowing one's identity and having the experience to back it up.

Notable Quotes:

• Tommy Bo [23:07]: "It was a school bathroom. Gross."
• Tommy Bo [24:43]: "A little gay smoochies."

c. Monica Vasanandi Monica admits to not recalling her first kiss vividly, attributing it to the typical uncertainties of adolescent relationships. Nevertheless, she acknowledges that she did share kissing moments with her high school girlfriend.

Notable Quotes:

• Monica Vasanandi [26:32]: "I don't remember."
• Monica Vasanandi [27:36]: "Maybe we never even kissed."

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5. Community and Representation

The conversation turns towards the representation of LGBTQ+ individuals in media, particularly within Smosh's content.

a. Smosh's Portrayal of LGBTQ+ Characters The hosts critique Smosh's historical approach to portraying gay characters, noting instances where representation felt forced or stereotypical. They discuss the evolution of media portrayal and the ongoing challenges in authentic representation.

Notable Quotes:

• Tommy Bo [00:12]: "Having the curiosity and the acceptance is the gay agenda."
• Courtney Miller [42:22]: "It's a very special, prideful episode of the smoshcast."

b. Stereotypes and Media Representation Monica and Courtney elaborate on the stereotypes prevalent in media, such as exaggerated behaviors and limited character arcs. They advocate for more nuanced and realistic representations that go beyond the characters' sexuality.

Notable Quotes:

• Monica Vasanandi [43:43]: "I try to write gay characters and relationships...to hit that broad spectrum."
• Courtney Miller [43:46]: "It's supposed to be every one ever."

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6. Personal Reflections and Advice

The hosts offer personal insights and guidance for listeners navigating their own identities and relationships within the LGBTQ+ community.

a. Embracing Individuality Courtney emphasizes the importance of self-acceptance and understanding one's unique identity, encouraging listeners to embrace their true selves without conforming to societal expectations.

Notable Quotes:

• Courtney Miller [72:10]: "Having the curiosity and the acceptance is the gay agenda."
• Courtney Miller [72:57]: "If you understand yourself, then you can help people understand me."

b. Navigating Social Interactions Monica and Tommy discuss the challenges of social interactions, such as avoiding stereotypes and managing perceptions. They highlight the significance of authentic connections over fitting into predefined labels.

Notable Quotes:

• Monica Vasanandi [57:48]: "How do you scissor?"
• Tommy Bo [66:31]: "I want my wife... a partnership."

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7. Final Thoughts and Conclusion

The episode wraps up with a humorous recounting of Courtney's wild night involving unexpected guests and awkward situations, serving as a light-hearted conclusion to the intense discussions. The hosts reiterate their support for the LGBTQ+ community and encourage listeners to celebrate Pride Month with openness and acceptance.

Notable Quote:

• Courtney Miller [74:25]: "I hope everyone has an amazing Pride month."

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Key Takeaways

• Personal Journeys: Each host shares their unique journey of coming out, highlighting the diverse experiences within the LGBTQ+ community.
• Representation Matters: Authentic and nuanced representation of LGBTQ+ individuals in media is crucial for fostering understanding and acceptance.
• Self-Acceptance: Embracing one's identity and seeking supportive relationships is vital for personal growth and happiness.
• Navigating Stereotypes: Overcoming societal stereotypes and embracing individuality can lead to more genuine and fulfilling connections.

This episode of Smosh Mouth serves as an insightful and relatable exploration of coming out, dating, and the complexities of first kisses, offering both humor and heartfelt advice to its listeners.

Transcript

[Courtney Miller]

Ramble. When I came out on that episode, I hadn't told my dad yet.

[Tommy Bo]

Having the curiosity and the acceptance is the gay agenda.

[Courtney Miller]

Smosh doesn't have an amazing track record with portraying gay people or gay characters.

[Monica Vasanandi]

That's a really nice way to put it. Not amazing.

[Courtney Miller]

She comes booming and she's like, oh, my God. Hello. I used to hate you.

[Tommy Bo]

Oh.

[Courtney Miller]

I literally never met her in my life.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, even better. Got mine fresh out of the wash. They're clean, dry, clean.

[Tommy Bo]

Or did.

[Monica Vasanandi]

You're round. Yeah, it shrinks every time. A little. Nice.

[Courtney Miller]

I wish I could shrink mine. Guys, welcome to the Smosh cast. We are here. This is a very special episode. Once again, I am not a white straight man with a beard. I am not any of those. Wait, I'm white? Oh, no.

[Monica Vasanandi]

You just realized she's white.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, shit.

[Tommy Bo]

And I'm a man with a beard.

[Courtney Miller]

You're the beard guy, dude.

[Tommy Bo]

I'm the beard guy.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Congratulations.

[Tommy Bo]

Thank you so much. I worked really hard for this.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, that's the thing with Smosh. We always have to have a white guy with a beard somewhere.

[Tommy Bo]

You're welcome. Everyone, calm down. We did it. It's fine.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I did put one under the table in case a white man with a beard. Yeah.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah. Is that who's tickling me?

[Courtney Miller]

Interesting, guys. Yeah. This is a very special, prideful episode of the smoshcast. Quick thank you to airbnb for sponsoring this episode. Today we have Tommy Bo, one of our lovely Meme Lords, and we have Monica Vasanandi.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, no, you're so close. But I'm not.

[Courtney Miller]

Vasundani.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yes.

[Courtney Miller]

Vasandani.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah. Okay, that's good enough.

[Tommy Bo]

Why don't you tell us?

[Monica Vasanandi]

Vasundani.

[Courtney Miller]

Vasandani.

[Tommy Bo]

Vasandani. Okay.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Monica Vasanandi]

We did it.

[Courtney Miller]

I had her. I had Monica in my phone for the longest time as Monica Van Sandy.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, I love that.

[Courtney Miller]

I was like, that's a cute last name.

[Tommy Bo]

I'll call you Van Sandy forever.

[Courtney Miller]

Monica Van Sandy. Now you're Monica Vans.

[Monica Vasanandi]

That's further away.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Monica Vasanandi]

All right.

[Tommy Bo]

Great. We've done it.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. Yeah. We did it. Tommy, is this your first podcast as.

[Tommy Bo]

A human being or here?

[Courtney Miller]

Both.

[Tommy Bo]

As a human being. No, I've done a podcast or two in my day, but here. Yes. First time. This table is not the size. I thought it was really big.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Did you think it was bigger?

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah, I thought it was, like, the biggest table I've ever seen.

[Courtney Miller]

Really?

[Tommy Bo]

I could fit this in my pocket.

[Courtney Miller]

It's a tiny little guy, but the legs on it are huge and like, in the way. Always in the way. Yeah. But yeah. So it's Pride Month, guys. And so we brought our three. The top queers.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Top smart.

[Courtney Miller]

We did it.

[Tommy Bo]

We are the only top queers.

[Courtney Miller]

Everyone else is just below us.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, well, I killed one.

[Courtney Miller]

Really?

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah. But it's not a hate crime. Cause we're both gay.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

That's awesome, guys. It wasn't until this last year that I actually fully kind of got to know you guys. I'm excited that you're on here, cuz, like, I love you both, obviously. But it was like, it took me a while to like, open up and like, get to know you guys. I remember back in the day, you were sitting. It was Josh, Sarah, Marissa, then you, all the way in the back and the cubicles. How did it feel being in the back of that old office?

[Tommy Bo]

It sucked.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. And then you were also even more in the back in the writer's room at that office.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, I was definitely in the weird corner and Tommy was like my secretary.

[Courtney Miller]

Sitting outside our office.

[Tommy Bo]

I never let anyone see you. I always said you were busy.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I appreciate that.

[Tommy Bo]

Per your request.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, but you never made any of my appointments.

[Tommy Bo]

Per your request.

[Monica Vasanandi]

That's true.

[Tommy Bo]

You're free forever.

[Courtney Miller]

You guys definitely felt really far away emotionally and physically.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

But we're here, we're close. We did it. And yeah.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah, the vibe's totally different in the new office.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. It's so nice how close everyone is.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Like just in. We're all just. It's basically one room. But yeah. I feel very honored hosting this in general, but also hosting it for a Pride themed episode. As people who have listened hopefully to the episode. I recently came out as, quote, unquote, not straight. And I've sought a lot of guidance from you guys and learned some really fun stories. And I would love for the people listening or watching to hear some too. And I feel like there's more I wanna know about you guys. Cause I feel like there's some things I feel kind of alone on or that I don't know are normal. You never know if something's relatable until you bring it up. So you know.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

But yeah.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Or you assume it's relatable and then you find out it's not. Which is a nightmare situation.

[Courtney Miller]

That's most of time for me, unfortunately. But yeah, that was. That was bad. I actually, when I came out on that episode, I hadn't told my dad yet.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, did he listen?

[Tommy Bo]

Was it through the episode?

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, he listened. He found out through the episode.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, boy.

[Courtney Miller]

But my dad's a very easy going guy and I, like, thought that I'd made jokes about it and talked about it in the past, but I don't think I just. I don't think I actually did. But he, like, reached out to me and it was awesome. Like, I see him all the time. It was just. I. It slipped my mind.

[Tommy Bo]

Did he take it well? Like, what was his response?

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, yeah, he's just like. He just reached out. He was like, hey, love you. I was like, hey, I'm really sorry. I totally forgot to do that. Like, that's. That sucks. Cause, like, I know it's like a thing I'm embracing, I'm not, like, ashamed of, but, like, I felt really bad because it's like, I don't know, I called my mom and, like, embraced everything and it was like a really, like, lovely moment. And I didn't give my dad that moment.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, no.

[Courtney Miller]

That felt kind of.

[Monica Vasanandi]

You're gonna have to reveal something else to him.

[Courtney Miller]

What?

[Monica Vasanandi]

I don't know. That's.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh. Like, oh, I have to make it. Oh, I have to make it up to him with something.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, okay.

[Courtney Miller]

I'll tell him I'm pregnant when I get pregnant, and then I'll tell YouTube and then my mom will find out through YouTube if that ever happens.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, that'll even things out.

[Courtney Miller]

I'll knock on wood. Cause he'll sleep.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I mean, I think the only answer is to get pregnant as soon as possible.

[Courtney Miller]

All right, all right.

[Tommy Bo]

Luckily, we've brought in someone.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Come on in. Oh, he's under the table too.

[Courtney Miller]

That's the guy. Oh, my God.

[Tommy Bo]

Oh, I think he's been trying to.

[Courtney Miller]

Impregnate me this whole time. And for those who are just listening right now and can't see, I'm wearing a jumpsuit.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, weird. I am too.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, that's so weird. That's so weird.

[Monica Vasanandi]

It's cool that you've decided to, like, adopt my signature look as of five weeks ago. You carefully cultivated look.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, it's like. Okay, so I'm actually wearing Olivia's jumpsuit from a photo shoot we actually just did. And I really like it. It's a little tight in the ass.

[Tommy Bo]

It looks great. Not the ass part. I haven't checked yet.

[Courtney Miller]

Real bad. Cool. Good thing I'm sitting down. It looks really bad.

[Tommy Bo]

You were sporting this in the office for a while and we were all immediately jealous.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, I was worried because I'm not one to, like, take A chance I have. All my clothes are, like, the same cut, just different colors.

[Tommy Bo]

I get that.

[Monica Vasanandi]

But I decided to try it, and everyone was very supportive.

[Courtney Miller]

I love it. I'd like the army green on you.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Thanks.

[Courtney Miller]

My jumpsuit was red in the photo shoot, but I stole the pink from Olivia because I just like pink.

[Monica Vasanandi]

It looks good. It does look good.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. I wore it, I think, you know, just to support my. It's in honor of you, Monica.

[Tommy Bo]

Thanks.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Tommy. Tell us about your jumpsuit.

[Tommy Bo]

Great. My jumpsuit was in a photo shoot, and I just don't have it anymore. Cause the photo shoot was so fun. And I'm a superstar. Yeah, that's the story.

[Courtney Miller]

Sick, Tommy. And Right.

[Tommy Bo]

You bought that?

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Great. Let's buy the truth.

[Courtney Miller]

That was a good photo shoot. That was so cute. We got little, like, school photos for everybody. We all got to get a little profile shot. It was nice. This is unusual for me. I saw it. I love the look, and it's something like, I don't know where I'll wear this otherwise. But because I'm so weird with my style, I feel like I'm still figuring out what works for me and what I like to wear in terms of cuts, like you said. Something I've been working on and trying to figure out is. I remember when I first started, Smosh. I was super insecure about it. But figuring out and working through the masculine parts of my wardrobe or the feminine parts. Cause I definitely wear. Sometimes I'll go super feminine all out, but then other times I feel like I'm wearing a more butcher type look where I wear, like, my flannels and my baggier stuff. I don't know. I just. It's. Fashion's crazy, man.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah. I've tried recently to. No, I mean, not this. I look.

[Courtney Miller]

You look incredible, Dude.

[Tommy Bo]

What's up? I always want to, like, throw a football.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, that's a lot.

[Tommy Bo]

But I don't know how. I don't know how. Like, in the office, every once in a while, I'll just, like. I'll throw in a pearls and like, a turtle.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, I love that.

[Courtney Miller]

I loved that.

[Tommy Bo]

I did, too. But I only. You know, it's like, with clothes, you gotta, like, you buy a little bit, and then eventually you have outfits. And I had, like, the two outfits that I got to be like, I'm a queen today. And I showed up and I was like, ah. And was like, wow. And then the next day show, I'm like, hi.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I didn't shave.

[Tommy Bo]

It's just how it goes.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, I, like, I kind of want to be more feminine sometimes, but lately I've been, like, putting my face on, like my whole damn makeup, and I feel like a pretty little soft girl when I do that. But, like, I've always wanted to do jewelry and stuff, but realized that I'm just too lazy to figure out what works where. So I just go button down some jeans, call it a day.

[Courtney Miller]

It works. Yeah. I've just started to try get used to jewelry again because I never wear earrings, bracelets, nothing ever. Because usually I'm like, scared I'm gonna lose it if it's special or, like, it just gets in the way or it's annoying. But I've just started wearing these little dainty necklaces, choker things. I'm gonna wear chokers. I think I just.

[Tommy Bo]

Chokers are in.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, dude. I feel like that's gonna fit me. I feel like that's me now. I've decided. I actually ordered a 40 pack on Amazon.

[Monica Vasanandi]

What?

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, 40 packs, $13. Like, what the heck?

[Monica Vasanandi]

How many can you wear at a time?

[Courtney Miller]

We're gonna find out.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, shit.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, my God.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Stretch your neck out. Oh, my God, dude. Doing those, I don't know, gauge things in the neck.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Like coils on more and more.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah, let's do that.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I think that's cultural appropriation probably.

[Courtney Miller]

I'm just gonna call it Bar.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Okay.

[Courtney Miller]

Kay. That works. I was very insecure about my fashion when I first started working here.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Well, you were like a full on, just child, right?

[Courtney Miller]

I was full on child. Was like fully, like, thought I was 100% straight. Like, I literally didn't start questioning that until late, late 2015, maybe early 2016.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Was there something specific that brought that on?

[Courtney Miller]

I don't know because, like, when I started working in la, I was all sudden surrounded by so many different types of people. And like, I obviously there. There are gay people, like, just all different types of people where I grew up. But, like, working in an office, it's like, okay, we're all adults now. And, like, understanding it was. I was also understanding, like, different cultures. Like, different cultures find different things funny. There's different senses of humor, different everything. And as I understood that, I was like, okay, like, why have I been so dismissive of this certain type of part? That, like. And I think the fact that I was wondering that was already the fact that, okay, yeah, there's definitely something I'm suppressing or I was kept questioning it and just the fact that with my clothing, I was so weird. I've always been weird about my boobs. Lately I just always wear sports bras and pack them down. Cause I don't like that feminine part of me where it's just like, bosoms in the air. I'm Mother Nature. Hello. But back then, I used to try and push them up and do the whole thing. I don't really. I didn't understand why I was doing. Cause I also was just super uncomfortable with my body.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Did you just feel like that's what you were supposed to be doing?

[Courtney Miller]

Probably, yeah. I also. I would wear. I don't do it anymore. I used to wear flannels around the waist solely because I was like, I don't have hips. Like, if I wear a flannel around my hips, it makes me look a little more. I have a little more going on there. Like, it at least made me feel that way.

[Monica Vasanandi]

That's funny. Cause I've spent most of my life trying to hide my, like, hips and butt because I'm like, this is too feminine. I want to be more rectangular. Or just, like, a cylinder with arms would be ideal.

[Tommy Bo]

I wanna be a tube too.

[Courtney Miller]

I'm at the point now where, like, I'm very into, like, my muscles, and so, like, I like the curviness down below, like, all that. But up top, I, like, wanna be, like, tight and just strong and brick.

[Monica Vasanandi]

How. How buff do you wanna be?

[Courtney Miller]

Not much more than what I am now. Lately, it's just, like, I work out just to feel strong and less crazy. I definitely use the gym to, like, stay docile. Like, it keeps me sane.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Just so you don't rage.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. And when I was, like, back in, my life was just shittier. Like, I would be at the gym just, like, pissed off and, like, pacing back and forth in between sets, just, like, feeling that anger and, like, letting it out. I had a lot built up.

[Tommy Bo]

So in your new gym routine, is it less, like, instead of, like, raging, what are you using to, like, motivate yourself?

[Courtney Miller]

That's. I'm actually kind of dealing with that right now. I like. I listen to podcasts now while I work out. It's kind of problematic because I listen to funny podcasts. So, like, I'll be mid crunch and, like, laugh and, like, have to, like, stop. It's really embarrassing. Laughing at the gym to yourself.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I listened to Ian and Pam's Smoshcast episode while I was climbing, and there was. I just gave up on so many climbs. I was like, what's the point of finishing?

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, my God.

[Monica Vasanandi]

It just Felt leak.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, it did.

[Monica Vasanandi]

So not motivating lately.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. Just in the gym, I don't feel. I kind of. I'm bored at the gym now. I think I need to sign up for, like, a class or something.

[Tommy Bo]

I started taking boxing. Woof.

[Courtney Miller]

I want to do that.

[Tommy Bo]

Woof. It's so much fun because when I'm exercising and, like, fitness is like a weird gay thing in its own, like, gay man, gay thing. So the struggle to fit into, like, the. You've got to be fit and, like. And like, you know. Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

So, like, what do you so. Cause I wanna know.

[Tommy Bo]

I mean, it's just like. Okay. So I don't consider myself, like, the stereotypical gay person. No gay person is actually stereotypical. It's just like the general shell that everyone's trying to squeeze into.

[Courtney Miller]

It's like a baseline or something.

[Tommy Bo]

Exactly. Especially in la. Cause everyone's actory, creative type. So it's like, if I'm gonna be on camera, I better be. I'm gonna make 800 of those sounds today. I love it. But. Yeah, it's only recently have I been like, you know, if I keep. It's like pushing against a wall, trying to become something that you're like, well, I should be this. I've gotta be this. And eventually that wall doesn't move. And then you go, why am I walking into a wall?

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah.

[Tommy Bo]

And you go, maybe I should just get healthy and not be like. I gotta be like, abs and like, bleh. So, yeah, boxing makes it easier because I don't have time to think.

[Monica Vasanandi]

That's great.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah. Cause they're just like, 1, 2, 1, 2.

[Courtney Miller]

And you're like, yeah, that makes sense. And you're learning how to beat ass.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah, that's fun, too. It's a cool power trip. I don't know.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, it's definitely, like, just getting strong. Your bouldering and rock climbing is so cool. How often do you do that?

[Monica Vasanandi]

It varies. I try to go two to three times per week. Just like, before work or something.

[Tommy Bo]

How do you get the energy in the morning?

[Monica Vasanandi]

I have to get up early anyway. Because of the little baby? Yeah, because he's up. And I try to get up and, like, help my wife get him out the door in the morning. So if I'm up anyway, then I might as well just go.

[Courtney Miller]

So I literally was, in my mind, straight until 2016. So, like, I was so sure of it until, like, that. That year. I was like, okay, something's up. And then I was working on until then. How old Were you guys, when you like, were like, oh, that's what I am. Like in your head before coming out, before all that.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I was a young kid. I had a big old crush on Ariel from the Little Mermaid. I know she's a cartoon, guys, but that shellbrush.

[Courtney Miller]

Have you seen my type? Mostly comic book characters.

[Tommy Bo]

Max from a goofy movie.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh yeah. Sexy. So I definitely always knew, I didn't know if I would eventually start being attracted to boys. So I left the door open for a little while. But it became clear to me when I tried to date a boy that I'm like, oh no, I don't like this at all.

[Courtney Miller]

That's nice. You at least gave him a chance.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, thank you. Thank you for giving us a chance.

[Tommy Bo]

I'm jealous of him.

[Courtney Miller]

What was that? It was one guy.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I dated a couple guys. The longest was two weeks.

[Tommy Bo]

Nice, nice.

[Courtney Miller]

That's really long.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, with I usually just ghosting at the end of it.

[Courtney Miller]

Wow. Ghosting.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Because I wasn't comfortable enough to be like. And I don't know who wants to hear like, oh, I don't. It's not you, it's your gender entirely. Is disgusting to me. Sorry, Tommy.

[Tommy Bo]

I mean, I get it.

[Monica Vasanandi]

No, men are not disgusting to me. I just don't want to. Just not romantically.

[Courtney Miller]

It's fine. Yeah, you gave them a shot. Yeah, they shot their shot.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I tried and then I. I don't know. Then I. Yeah, I think I was like, oh, I'm full on gay. Maybe around 19 or 20, but first kind of came out around 16.

[Tommy Bo]

I remember thinking gay thoughts since I was like in elementary school. Like there was like a moment in elementary school that I was like, that boy is cute. And I was like, what's that? Like, what's that thought? And then, you know, through processing and kind of like exploring and stuff, it was like probably like 13 or 15. I was like, I think I'm gay, but I just kind of like held on to it. Or you kind of do this weird. You kind of make a weird loophole in your brain where it's like, well, I'm gay in this way, but like I'm gonna date women and the dah dah dah dah. And then you just kind of create this weird like map that gets you out. And I don't know, I dated three women and all we did was kiss. Cuz I was not interested in anything else, you know?

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, I feel like whenever I had those thoughts, however old I was, I just did not register them as that feeling. I Think I just thought like, I still am. Like, whoa, do I like that girl's boots or am I like checking out her legs right now? Like, I don't know. It's definitely like, as a kid I just never saw that like was an option to feel that. Like I just was like, oh. Like I just like her hair, like just dismissed it always.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, you just like mentally defaulted to straight.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Because that's. You're like, oh, this works.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. And then I remember in middle school, I think I've told this story before or it was like right before middle school, my first time, my first kiss and my first makeout were both girls. And I remember the first time I like, and it was both times. It was like the other girl just like wanted to practice. I don't know if like the word got out that like I was the girl that people could practice with. Cause I got caught in that situation an alarming amount of times. Like day before middle school, this girl was like, let's try all these things. And she wrote a bunch of things on papers and threw them in a bowl and she would want to try different kisses and stuff like that.

[Monica Vasanandi]

That is 12 year old Monica's dream is to be the practice girl. But I was definitely not, dude.

[Courtney Miller]

And I didn't see it, I think with the first make out thing because it was like the night before a bar mitzvah and like our crushes were gonna be there. And she like, definitely was like, so what do you wanna do? And I was like, I don't know. She's like, so what do you wanna do? And I was like, practice kissing or something. She's like, yeah. And then we were like, okay. And I felt, I think I felt guilty after that one. When I went back to my mom's house, I was like, and these were all sleepovers. It's like they have that stereotype of sleepovers. Like, yeah, it happens. But I remember going back to my mom's house and writing in my diary. Like, I was like, I can't believe I did this. God hates me. I drew a little heart with a knife through it and put wrote my soul on the heart that was all on fire.

[Tommy Bo]

Hell yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

It's in my diary that we use for those diary videos. It's rough, but I think even a couple years later I was like, that's not a big deal. It happens all the time.

[Monica Vasanandi]

It doesn't.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh shit.

[Monica Vasanandi]

No it doesn't. God's mad. I was waiting for that. I was like, I know what sleepovers are. Like, eventually this is gonna happen for me. And nope, I don't know what it was.

[Courtney Miller]

It's like girls were passing notes, being, yo, you hear Courtney, you could practice kissing with her then. You already experienced for your first kiss with a boy. It felt. It was like. That's what it felt like.

[Monica Vasanandi]

It's better than putting googly eyes on your hand.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. Or kissing your pillow. And I remember that girl. Okay, so this happened. I think three girls were like, definitely three solid events where it happened. Like, I remember the last one was it was Halloween and me and my friend were like, we were hanging out with these boys and they definitely wanted to kiss us. And we were like, oh my God. And I was like, I'm so nervous. And she's like, we should practice. And we ran away to this park and like practiced for like two seconds and then came back. And then we just ended up being scared and not kissing the guys. Like it never happened. So I just kissed a girl for no reason.

[Tommy Bo]

You ran away to kiss a girl?

[Courtney Miller]

I did.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I mean, yeah. What most straight women do is run away.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, I guess so. It's funny. So two of those girls actually had the same name. I'll use a fake name.

[Tommy Bo]

Barbonica.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Now you can use the real one. Cause you said you were using a fake one.

[Courtney Miller]

Yes. Barbonica. They both have the same name. And I think word got out that I kissed one of them. And then one of them came up to me. She was in front of everyone. She's like, hey, I heard you're telling people that we kissed. And she's looking me in the eyes and she's like, and we didn't. That did not happen. I was like, okay. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do with that.

[Tommy Bo]

I didn't have any man on man gay kiss thing until like, boys don't practice kissing. Boys don't practice kissing. We go in blind. That's why. That's why men are horrible kissers. Oh, no, they ain't practiced. But yeah, it wasn't until late high school that I had any kind of thing like that. And boy, does it click, right? Yeah, boy, does it click. You're just like, oh, yeah.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, yes.

[Courtney Miller]

Yes, this is correct.

[Tommy Bo]

This is it. It's like, what was I doing? Sure.

[Courtney Miller]

I wanna know what that your first kiss was.

[Tommy Bo]

Gross. So my first kiss or my first gay kiss? Different. Totally different experiences.

[Courtney Miller]

I kinda wanna hear first G. First gay kiss.

[Tommy Bo]

There was. I will use a fake name as well.

[Courtney Miller]

Barbonica.

[Tommy Bo]

Barbonica. So Me and male. Barbonica.

[Courtney Miller]

Barbonico.

[Tommy Bo]

Barbonico. Thank you, C. We both auditioned for a play and he got the part and I got the understudy part. And then the theater teacher was like.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, weird gay dudes in theater.

[Tommy Bo]

I know. Strange, right? So crazy. The theater teacher was like, we should have given you the part. And I was like, I know. I was like, I know. And so him and I met through this like weird, like rivalry, like problematic.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, tension.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, that's the best.

[Tommy Bo]

That's the best.

[Monica Vasanandi]

That's amazing.

[Tommy Bo]

We know.

[Courtney Miller]

That's the best.

[Tommy Bo]

So, you know, a little bit of flirting, a little bit of this and that, and then it was classic. You know, there's school, you're in school. I had helicopter parents, so.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh yeah, that's where it all went down. Except for my sleepovers. I was definitely not at school.

[Tommy Bo]

It was a school bathroom. Gross. But that's where you got to do it.

[Monica Vasanandi]

That's great.

[Courtney Miller]

That's awesome.

[Tommy Bo]

Yep. Little smoochies, dude. Little gay smoochies.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Did he like accept that he was gay?

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah, he was more gay than I was.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Okay.

[Tommy Bo]

Cause I had come out, but I hadn't done anything yet. So I was still like. I was like. I knew what I was per se, but I had never done. So it's like, you know what you are, but you haven't experienced what you are yet.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Monica Vasanandi]

And there's also like no one to talk to about that in most cases. How do I go about like having a relationship like this?

[Tommy Bo]

Exactly. Cause you're like too new to the whole experience. You can't just be like, tell me about this. And that's. You're 12.

[Courtney Miller]

That's literally how I feel like right now. Like since I still feel super new to this stuff, like I'm genuinely like, I want to know all of these things and just like. Cuz I'm not like fully gay, but I do. Like there's still parts that like I can still learn from both you guys and that stuff. So I'm like, I just like, I want to know everything so I can like, I like just want to analyze it and like. Because I just feel like I'm very naive and like, I feel like even though I'm like asking the wrong questions and like, do you, do you.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Are you able to flirt with women the same way you can flirt with men or close to it?

[Courtney Miller]

Probably. I feel like. I feel like my. Not my Persona, but like the way I flirt is definitely different with guys and girls. Like I definitely, I Think I act more masculine when I'm like. But I haven't. Like, I've never, like, flirted with a girl, like, deliberately. Like, not even yet. Like, maybe it was playful and, like, I wasn't actually, like, seeking anything out. Like, I'm still so freaking new to this. Like, ugh. It's like I. I haven't even. Like, we work so much. I don't go out and, like, meet new people very often, though. It's. It's, you know.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Well, I can tell you, like, having dated women for a long time, I still don't know how to flirt, so it's never gonna change.

[Courtney Miller]

What was your first kiss?

[Monica Vasanandi]

I dated this. This girl in high school. We met on the Internet. Wowee. Yeah. Whoa.

[Courtney Miller]

Was it.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I don't remember.

[Courtney Miller]

Was it MySpace?

[Monica Vasanandi]

No, this was pre MySpace. I don't know how we found each other.

[Courtney Miller]

I just googled.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I did spend a lot of time as a young person Googling how to meet and date lesbian.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, my God.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Just, like, lonely college. Monica was just, like, didn't understand. Lady find want. Lady want lady back.

[Courtney Miller]

When Google, you could actually have a no results.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Search thing. Dude, I totally did that. I was like, a place for teens to get together and maybe date.

[Tommy Bo]

You type in a full paragraph.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. Google was like, what?

[Tommy Bo]

Hi, Google. Courtney here. So first.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah. Yes. But I have to be honest. I don't remember the first kiss.

[Courtney Miller]

What?

[Monica Vasanandi]

Maybe we never even kissed. We dated for, like, three years on and off, but maybe we never kissed.

[Courtney Miller]

Wow.

[Tommy Bo]

What? Uh. Oh.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, no, we kissed.

[Tommy Bo]

Okay. Okay.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

All right. Well, I guess it wasn't that special if you didn't remember it.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Um, you know, I. I guess kissing.

[Courtney Miller]

In the boys bathroom isn't, like, exactly like, a glamorous special.

[Monica Vasanandi]

It was probably something, like, kind of dumb and creepy. Like in a car, in a park, like, at night, somewhere.

[Tommy Bo]

It's always hidden. Yeah. I feel like the tides have changed a little bit. There's still plenty of problems in the world when it comes to gay acceptance.

[Courtney Miller]

He just did hard eye contact with the camera.

[Tommy Bo]

I just want to make sure.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah.

[Tommy Bo]

And now I'm looking at the mic. Do you feel my eyes? But, yeah, the tides have changed. I feel like the. I mean, I'm sure there's still people smooching in a bathroom because it's school, you're young, hormones, et cetera.

[Courtney Miller]

And some people might just be into that, you know?

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah. You know, don't. Bathroom shame. I feel like nowadays it's. There's. I mean, RuPaul's DragCon just happened. There's, like, little babies who are. Maybe I call them little babies. You have a little baby. There are children, like, 8, 10 years old who are like, boys in full drag, like, presenting female for the event, for the occasion. It's just. I don't know, because our age are now parents, we're like, let's just cut the secret part out.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah. And let people kind of figure out their identity and explore things. Yeah.

[Tommy Bo]

Out in the open as opposed to in your room.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. I definitely. Yeah. Just didn't seem like an option. And I feel like when it was ever, like, a possibility or, like, thought, like, if that thought crossed my mind, I was like, no, I'm not. I'm not gay. I'm obviously not. And like, the things kids would say at high school, in high school, maybe high school, but elementary school being like, oh, gay means, like, you're a pedophile. You're a pervert. And it's like, what the. Okay. Back then you're like, oh, I didn't know that.

[Monica Vasanandi]

And then you internalize a lot of it, too. And, like, there's a lot of subconscious stuff, too. Yeah. There's. Yeah. You think that there's something wrong or weird about you.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah. Enough people says something's wrong, and then you're gonna accept that as truth.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah.

[Tommy Bo]

And what's great about now is there's less that's wrong so you don't have to. You can explore that thought without having to break through that.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. Break through the door. Yeah. I. When I came out, I realized there was a lot of people I hadn't told that may be finding out through the podcast. Aside from a dad who, like, my dad, easygoing, loves me, that's fine. But, like, there's definitely, like, other fam. Members that I'm like, will they. Knowing that. I mean, I'm not even, like. I'm just quote, unquote, not straight, as I said, like, whatever. But family members who may not be, like, cool with that. I'm like, will they be comfortable, like, talking to me or being near me at family events? Like, because I know that I saw those things being said by other people or, like, being thought like, oh, gay is so bad that I'm worried that my family, who's Mormon, is totally like, no, that's not okay. And they definitely. A lot of them keep up with me through all this content. So I still struggle with that, where it's like, will they let me near their kids? Are they gonna think of me like, that person? Yeah.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I mean, people. They either get over it or they don't. But for the most part, people get over it or they just wanna be polite and will be civil or nice enough. And then, you know, eventually you kind of stop thinking about it and stop worrying about it. Like. Yeah, there aren't many times where I will be aware of my gayness when I'm talking to someone and, like, looking at it like, oh, you know, is this interaction being affected at all? Because I'll never know, so there's no use in wondering about it. Yeah, it's just. It is the way it is.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, that's. I guess it's good to have a. Just be optimistic going into it.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah. Now I get the worry, though, because when, like, similarly, I came out to my parents last. It's weird how you do that.

[Courtney Miller]

Yes, I. I get that, though, because, like, there's a lot of kids in my high school like, oh, he's gay. But, like, his parents don't know. And I was like, oh, like, so.

[Tommy Bo]

But he's, like, walking around being all, yeah, swooshy. How did they take it, my parents? I lucked out. I am very grateful. You gotta be grateful when your parents take it. Okay.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah. It went well. It's a very silly story. I got caught in a gay thing. I was texting my friend about the guy, that guy. And so I thought my parents put two and two together. They didn't. So I came out very like, that's right. Cause you expect this horrible nightmare experience which some people have. And that's absolutely horrible and just the worst. Yeah. But I went in expecting the worst, as almost everyone does when they come out. So I was like, hey, Mom. Hey, dad. I'm gay and I'm your son and I still love you, so you better still love me. And they're like, why are you yelling? Like, it's fine. Why are you. Calm down. And then my dad was like, I don't mind that you're gay. I just wish you would have come out a little nicer. Could have sat me down. I was like, okay, dad.

[Courtney Miller]

All right. So cute.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, that's sweet.

[Courtney Miller]

What about you, Monica?

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, boy.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, yeah, Yours was very different. Sorry, I was just like, yeah. What about you? Is yours cute?

[Monica Vasanandi]

I was like, no, not particularly. So I was worried just because my parents are Indian from India. So culturally things are a little bit different. And so I first came out to my brother and he was really supportive and great. And then I think that I came out to my parents but it was also like, my parents would kind of like, snoop through my stuff all the time and read whatever I wrote. So they definitely. I was a little bit pushed out. So I was finally like, okay, I'm gonna tell them. So I told them, and the initial response was, not great. My mom asked if it was because I did theater, and then my dad asked if it's because guys didn't like me. So it was like, overall, just a rough and hurtful experience. Sorry for putting you on blast. If my parents are listening to this, which they're not, but.

[Courtney Miller]

But, like, it's. It's. It's like, okay now.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, yeah. They. It took them a while to come around, but eventually, you know, they did. I think my dad. It finally clicked into place for him, like, in my early 20s. And we had a conversation where he was like, I just don't know why you've chosen such a difficult path. And I was like, well, you know, it wasn't a choice. And then that suddenly, no matter how many times he heard it that time, it just clicked with him. And then I think my mom stopped trying to pitch the idea of setting me up with a nice Indian boy to get married. Probably also early twenties. Wow. Yeah. So. And that was. So I first came out when I was 16. I also had to keep, like, reminding them. So, like, there were smaller versions of this event almost annually for, like, a few years. But that's rough. But, you know, we're in a good place now. It just took a little while to get there.

[Tommy Bo]

I'm glad you ended up in a good spot.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Thank you.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, that's very good. I was a little scared with my mom. Like, I knew she was going to accept me. I knew she wasn't gonna, like, disown me or anything, but, like, I was worried. Cause she's the more Mormon parent of my family. And so I was a little worried that she'd be just, like, shocked or, like, not. Believe me, I just, like, I always tend to fear the worst anyway because, like, I usually hope that whatever comes out is better than what I expected. And it was like, she was so nice. She, like, when I told her, she thought it was, like, her responsibility to, like, help me through those feelings. Like, she. She thought I hadn't, like, really worked it out yet. And I was like. I literally was crying. Like, it was on the phone. Like, I definitely, like, got on my bed and just, like, made the call. And I was just so thankful for her reaction and then just forgot to tell my dad.

[Monica Vasanandi]

It's It's. I'm obviously like, really happy for you guys that you had smooth experiences, but there's this, like, shitty part of me that resents that. Even though that's what we're fighting for.

[Tommy Bo]

Right.

[Monica Vasanandi]

It's like, it's tough because, like, obviously I want it to be easy for people to come out and for it to not even have to be a thing. Like a whole coming out thing. But, like, oh, by the way, that's great, you know? Yeah. There's just this little part of me that's like, I hurt. You have to hurt, too. And it's the part of me that I hate, but it's there.

[Tommy Bo]

That's a human feeling, though. That's like a human experience. I think that goes beyond, like, gayness. But I totally understand.

[Courtney Miller]

I feel like it's like you. You overcame something and you grew stronger from this thing. Yeah. And you had to, like, you had to pull through the mud to get to where you are to be okay. And, like, we just kind of got.

[Tommy Bo]

Plopped just like, ploop.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

So I get that. Like, that's.

[Monica Vasanandi]

But I also, like, I know that I'm probably right in the middle of the spectrum of coming out experiences. Like, there are far worse experiences because ultimately my parents, like, they didn't kick me out. They didn't disown me. They didn't, like, punish me. They were just. It was just not friendly.

[Tommy Bo]

Absolutely.

[Courtney Miller]

Wasn't their fave. Wasn't the vibe.

[Monica Vasanandi]

That's what they said. Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Yo, Monica. This is not the vibe. Said your name Monica.

[Tommy Bo]

I just don't really like this group.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Your Indian accent is impeccable.

[Tommy Bo]

Thanks so much. But, yeah, no, it's like, that's why I started my story with, like, that I'm super grateful. And, like, you have to be aware of the full spectrum.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yes.

[Tommy Bo]

Because if you're just like, well, it's la de da being gay, then that's not how it works.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, that's the thing a lot that I. When I'm trying to learn more about the community, it's like, yeah, there are people who. It's been kind of pretty much pleasant, but there's a lot of struggle and acknowledging that struggle and kind of being sensitive to it. Something I've been aware of is outing people for them is something I was like, oh, my gosh. That's a thing that probably totally happens. I was once with two girlfriends. One of them was bi. And these two friends had just met each other and I was like, oh, yeah, you're bi. Right. And the friend was like, yeah. And I realized, oh, my gosh, that probably was not okay for me to do. Turned out the third friend who was learning that was actually not a tolerant person of that. So didn't learn that immediately. But, like, so it's like, things like that, like, you have to be aware of and just, like, the community in terms of, like, Stevie, we. I shot something with her on Mythical, and she did a thing where she was teaching me or trying to quiz me on queer slang. It was really fun. I didn't know, like, any of them. There was one, like, Celesbian.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Celebrity lesbian. Makes sense. That one makes sense. But then there was, like, wrinkle room. And I was like, oh, vagina. And she's like, no. Apparently, that one means it's, like, a place where a lot of old gay guys hang out. Yeah. There's a lot of fun sides to the community, too, I guess, which is awesome. It's just a lot of give and take of what there is. I've never been to a gay bar.

[Tommy Bo]

Oh, it's something.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yep. Yep. It's something. I briefly, when I was around 21, and I think only for that year, I a couple times went to a lesbian night in West Hollywood called Truck Stop.

[Tommy Bo]

Yikes.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, it was as advertised. It was a lot of grease.

[Tommy Bo]

People under the car.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Monica Vasanandi]

They're like, let me weigh your.

[Tommy Bo]

Oh, full circle, and I'll dress like a truck.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, perfect.

[Tommy Bo]

So that's all.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Just want to put that out there. Truck Stop.

[Tommy Bo]

Truck Stop.

[Courtney Miller]

There are no. There's like, lesbian bars aren't really a thing.

[Monica Vasanandi]

It's usually a lesbian night.

[Courtney Miller]

That kind of sucks. That's kind of lame.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I mean, it's. It's a true stereotype. Lesbians like to stay home a lot. Like, if you're a lockdown lesbian in a relationship, chances are you're, like, at home with your two dogs and three cats just, like, covered in fur, watching Netflix.

[Courtney Miller]

That sounds great. Speaking of Netflix, I've actually just started watching the L Word.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

For people who are watching or listening or who don't know what that is, it's pretty much. I feel like it's like the lesbian Sex and the City type thing. Ish.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, a little.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, It's a little more dramatic.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yes.

[Courtney Miller]

I've only watched. I'm, like, midway through the first season, but it's because, like, I got a lot. I feel like I got a lot of dating experience, straight dating experience, through watching. I hated Sex and the City, but, you know, I Watched the entire series and both movies because I'm like that. So now it's kind of interesting watching the L Word because it's like, I'm learning a little more. I'm getting kind of an insight on the dating life. Ish. I don't know if it's fully accurate. I'm hating some characters already. That's just how it goes. I'm gonna watch it all. I know I will.

[Tommy Bo]

I wish there was an equivalent for, like, gay dating. There's this one show that I'm not gonna remember, so this is fun to hear about. But there's not a lot of, like, gay examples on, like, TV for, like, a gay guy to, like, watch and be like, oh, I see how, like, a relationship could be and could unfold. Cause, yeah, like, gay men in particular. Well, I guess gay people in general are very, like, caricature when they show up.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yes. And usually, like, anything, any media about them is centered around them being gay. So it's like, you're like, I'm just a person who is also. Yeah. Whereas, like, any story and up until, like, fairly recently, any movie or TV show is, like, the gay character's whole arc is about being gay.

[Tommy Bo]

Yep. Who's he gonna date? What show is he performing in?

[Courtney Miller]

The one other gay person shows up in the show. You, obviously. That's interesting, too, because, like, even in our Smosh videos, like, Smosh doesn't have an amazing track record with portraying gay people or gay characters.

[Monica Vasanandi]

That's a really nice way to put it.

[Courtney Miller]

It's a very nice. I mean, even up until, like, I had been here for a year or two, and, like, even then, you're still like, ooh, this is. This is rough. Like, the certain. Like, we had a. It was like, every first date ever, there's a scene where it's a gay couple because you want to, like, get all the representation. I don't know if you were on at that point. No, it wasn't really a writing thing. It was, like, the wardrobe choices for the character. It was like, oh, my goodness. And, like, who knows who made the choices, whatever. But, like, it definitely just, like, when we saw the edit, we're like, oh, my God. That didn't seem necessary. It seems kind of insensitive. And it's like, that's not where our heart's at. Obviously. Like, we wanted that scene for a reason, but even then, that was probably better than how things used to be. I don't. I can't recall any how things used to be. Like, back way Back on Smosh.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I mean, I think that there is just a lot of, like, playing gay, which is just. Yeah. The. Trying to be as flamboyant as possible and doing the voice and, like, the lisp and all that shit. Yeah. Right now I try to, like, write gay characters and relationships, like, into our sketches just to kind of like, to again, hit that broad spectrum. Especially when we're doing stuff like EBE's every blank Evers, where you want to get every single thing. Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

It's supposed to be every one ever.

[Monica Vasanandi]

But I don't want to feel like I'm pushing my agenda. But at the same time, I still want to service, you know, and, you know, put content out there that I feel like is real. So it's tough to toe that line a little bit.

[Courtney Miller]

I mean, even in our, like, in our Smosh pit stuff, we've pitched ideas or, like, we'll want a certain thumbnail for a video. And it's like, we like, oh, let's put KOA on the thumbnail for this fanfiction video. And there's like, a concern because, like, somewhat, like, as. As far as we've come in society, like, a lot of our fans still don't get it. Like, we had that video Kiss Currency come out a few years ago, and people in the comments were like, but wait, how can a girl kiss a girl? I don't. Wait, yeah, but how could a boy kiss a boy?

[Monica Vasanandi]

What? But at a certain point, we just gotta be like, fuck those people.

[Courtney Miller]

We do. And I hope we get to that point. It just seems like it was pretty recent. Like, we didn't put Keith and Noah in love on a thumbnail because it's like our fans might, like, some of them just won't click on it.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Right.

[Courtney Miller]

Because that's not the. The quote unquote hetero norm that they're expecting.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Right.

[Courtney Miller]

Which is. It's. Yeah. I hope we come further and further with that.

[Tommy Bo]

I'm sure we will, because it's. You're. You're balancing business, advertising, the actual culture outside of that. So. Yeah, I think we're on our way.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. And it's like we. We still had KOA in the video, very much in love.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

You know, we just want to be like. And it's. I guess it's good because the people who are like, if they see that thumbnail, like, no, I don't want to click on it. Which, that sucks if that happens. But if they click on that video and then see that happen, like, I guess that's not so bad then that happens, right?

[Monica Vasanandi]

And a lot of people are younger and they're still forming their opinions, so.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah.

[Monica Vasanandi]

But hopefully they're open to things.

[Courtney Miller]

When Mythical was bringing us all together, like, they were making. Sure. Like, I remember hearing one of them being like, well, we need more women on this team. And like, stuff like that. It makes me really happy when you hear that stuff. And when I found out Stevie's gay, I was like, what the heck? Hell yeah, dude. Her and I recently went to dinner and, like, she's the one who told me to watch the L Word. But yeah, she. I got a lot of nice educational stuff from her too. I'm just trying to learn from every. If I. I'm like, hi, I'm Courtney.

[Tommy Bo]

Hi.

[Courtney Miller]

This I find out, you guys, like, hey, can I ask you some questions? I'm like a nerd trying to figure everything out still. I had a story I wanted to tell you guys. Ooh, this is a really bad segue. But here we are. Cause this is a story I've actually told people before. And we were like. It was like. I was actually not. I was still straight in my mind at that point too. It's called the Girl who Wouldn't Leave. I told this story to Ryan Finnerty, and we wanted to make a movie out of it somehow. Cause it was that crazy.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I remember that.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. A few drafts of the first few pages and a couple 1 pages of the story. And it's. Obviously the script's gonna be very different from the actual story. But what happened was. So one night I was being texted by my friend. She's like, oh, my God, come to la. I wanna take you to this rap concert. It'll be really fun. And I was like, okay, yeah. She's like, oh, but if you come, can you give this other friend a ride? Because she can't drive out there. So you're gonna drive her and you out to this concert that I have VIP tickets for. And I was like, okay, yeah, sure, that's fine. We'll call this person who shows up. We'll call her Kara. Sure, Kara. I'm waiting for this girl to show up to give her ride to this concert in LA. And I was still living hella far away, LA. Seemed like a different planet to me. All of a sudden, I get a knock at my door. I'm all ready to go for this night. And then I open the door and this girl Kara comes in. She comes booming, and she's like, oh, my God. Hello. I used to hate you. O. I've literally never met her in my life.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, even better.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. And I was like, oh, my God. And then she's like, yeah, I used to hate you. Oh, my God. There was this guy that liked you and I liked him, and I was so pissed that he liked you and not me, and so I hated you. But now I love you. How are you? Do you want some of these pills?

[Monica Vasanandi]

I was like, oh, that's so much to unpack in one sentence.

[Courtney Miller]

Literally, that was the first minute. Her still in my entryway. Like, haven't even taken shoes off yet. Or I guess we would be putting them on if we were going. We still hadn't. Like, I wasn't fully ready to go or still getting my bearings. She's telling me her whole life story, like, straight up. She's like, yeah, I have this crazy boyfriend. He used to. She used some rough stuff. She's like, he used to beat me. But like, we're still together. But like, yeah. Oh, my God, I love you. I'm so excited for this night with you. Like, do you want these pills? And I kept saying, like, no, I'm okay on the pills.

[Monica Vasanandi]

What were the pills?

[Tommy Bo]

Aspirin?

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, just aspirin and vitamin C. She was trying to help you, Courtney.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, she was like, you don't look good. You need some vitamin C fighting off a cold. It was Klonopin.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Okay.

[Courtney Miller]

I don't know what that does to.

[Monica Vasanandi]

A body, so it's an anti anxiety, so.

[Courtney Miller]

Okay. So she was like, basically offering me Xanax. Yeah, okay. Sick. But yeah, I was like, oh, my God, we are in for a night. Okay, let's just go. We're gonna go to this concert. All of a sudden, my friend texted me, well, call my friend Tess. She was like, hey, oh my God, I'm so sorry, I can't take you guys to this concert anymore. Sorry. Bye. And I was like, oh, okay. Okay. So. Kara, we can't go to this concert anymore. Like, I'm sorry. I guess it's not gonna happen, you know, whatever. Sorry, I can't take your pills. And she was like, oh, my God. No, that's totally fine. I'm like, let's have a sleepover. I can't get my ride home. So she lived really far away, so I couldn't drive her back. It was like, I was still. I think I was. I was like 17 at this point. Yeah, I was like, not allowed to do anything unless my parents had specifically said okay. And they didn't say okay. So she was like, yeah, let's have this sleepover and it's gonna be amazing. Oh, my God, I'm so excited. Oh, my God, I can't believe that guy loved you. And, like, he didn't want to date me. Like, I can't believe I used to hate you and I love you now. Do you want some of these pills?

[Tommy Bo]

I'm like, no, what else do I talk about? I hate you pills.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I hate you.

[Courtney Miller]

Did I tell her I hate her?

[Tommy Bo]

Let me check my notes.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Hate you, love you, pills.

[Courtney Miller]

She's like a soundboard. I was like, okay, you know, whatever. She can stay here. She has no way of getting home. That's fine. It was like 10 o'clock at this point. She's like, yeah. Oh my God. She's like, trying to find a way to get alcohol, all this crazy stuff. And all of a sudden I hear my doorbell and I walk up and I open the door and it's the guy that she was talking about. This guy that I hadn't seen in two years and he apparently had a crush on me. And I guess I friend zoned him. He's all of a sudden at my door. He went to a different high school. I literally didn't know him very well.

[Tommy Bo]

He's there and you didn't know he was showing up?

[Courtney Miller]

I had no idea he was showing up.

[Tommy Bo]

I love the sitcom that you lived.

[Courtney Miller]

This is real. And I don't believe it's real. Kiera comes out and she's like, oh, my God, it's him. It's Toby. Toby. Remember when you were in love with her?

[Tommy Bo]

Oh, boy.

[Courtney Miller]

And he was like, that was. That was two years ago. I was just like, what is going on? And she runs off to go grab her pills, probably to offer him some, but it's just him and me in the entryway. And I was like, dude, I'm so sorry. I don't know what's going on. She, I guess invited him over and he was under the impression that I knew, I guess. And he's like, oh, yeah, that's crazy. I barely know her too. This is. This is really weird. But, like, he decided to just stay and still hang out. And I was like, okay. Like, I guess this is happening. We, like, got Taco Bell. And she, this entire time is now telling him her whole life story about her crazy boyfriend and all these things she's into. And it is just hours and hours of this. And I literally, I'm just like, I'm going through the whole thing. Just like, what is happening? It's just so weird that you just kind of sit back and like let it go.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah. You just. Yeah. You don't know how to respond to this new thing.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah. You just take a passenger seat in your brain.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. And there was a point where all of a sudden she's like, oh, my grandma's here. She runs out.

[Tommy Bo]

No, what?

[Courtney Miller]

She runs out and her grandma's in the car and she's like, oh, she. She has my medication grabs and she's like, bye, grandma. And the grandma drives off. I'm like, wait, wait, wait. Couldn't she have taken you. She could drive you home. She's like, oh, but no, but we're having a sleepover. And I was like, oh my God, dude. And okay, so she stays. It's literally the whole night's like, revolves around her. She's just, she's just this personality and she's just putting it on, like letting us know everything about her. Like, go off queen. Like, sure. I wasn't gonna stop her. And this guy Toby just was down to stay. I think there may have been still some feelings or something. And that's why he was staying there.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, 100%.

[Courtney Miller]

Until 3am was just talking and I was like, at the point, I was like, okay, guys, listen. Like, dude, Toby, you gotta go home. Like, it's time for bed. Like, okay. And he finally leaves. And when someone sleeps over that like I don't know very well, I let them sleep on my bed and then I sleep on the floor. Cause like, I don't care. And so I was like setting everything up and Kara comes in and I like, I'm like, yeah, you sleep on the bed, I'll sleep on the floor. And she's like, no, like, we can share the bed. It's fine. It's a twin size bed. So I was like, no, that's okay. I'm good. I'll just sleep on the floor. I like it. And she's like, all right, well. And she offers me one of her pills one more time. I tell her no one more time. And then we're both laying down and she still wanted to talk and just keep going and talking. She's like, yeah, oh my God. So what are your turn ons and stuff like that? I was like, oh boy. Yeah, I guess I like this thing. It's kind of cool. And she's like, oh my God. Oh my God. Yeah, that's so good. Oh my God, I'm getting horny now just thinking about that.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, no.

[Courtney Miller]

Whoa. And she's like, yeah. Oh, my God, that's so crazy. So one time I scissored with my cousin and it was crazy.

[Tommy Bo]

It was crazy.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. And she's like, yeah, but I think I liked it. And sorry, viewers, like, that took a deep turn for you all, but this is my life. So this is what happened. She's like, yeah, the scissoring. I liked it. And then I did it again with another cousin later on. What is this family? The grandma's shows up, gives medication, doesn't know who I am.

[Tommy Bo]

Oh, my God.

[Courtney Miller]

She's like, yeah, scissoring is crazy. And I was like, wow, dude, good for you. Good night. And she's like, yeah, you know, scissoring's awesome. I think that's something I wanna do with you.

[Monica Vasanandi]

What a great way to propose sex.

[Tommy Bo]

See, listen, there's a good lesson about foreplay here, is that it's an eight hour thing. You just show up.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah. You stick to the script.

[Tommy Bo]

You tell him, I hate you. I love you. Let's scissor.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah. You get two cameos. Yeah, Grandma.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, my grandma.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. So she says that and she was super casual with it. We haven't made eye contact the last 10 minutes. We've both been staring at the ceiling like, I'm on the floor, she's in bed. Like, yeah, just. That's something like I kind of think I want to do with you. Like, if you want to try.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I know we're not cousins, but hear me out.

[Courtney Miller]

And then this way, I was like, you know, Kara, I'm actually about as straight as it gets, so I'm good. And she was like, no, but it's really fun. I'll show you. It's really cool. We'll just give it a try and it'll be really great. And I was like, no, I'm really good. It's fine. She's like, no, I promise you, it's really fun. She goes for 15 minutes, literally trying to convince me to do this thing. I was like, but it wasn't ever aggressive, ever. It was just like.

[Monica Vasanandi]

It'd be really cool just selling you on it.

[Courtney Miller]

It's just really fun. Maybe we could do that.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Okay, watch this. PowerPoint.

[Courtney Miller]

It's like she found out through the grapevine that I'm one to practice with too. It's like the word traveled that far. But I finally was just like, no, no, I'm really. Kara, I think I'm good. And she was like, oh, okay. Good night. Takes out a hearing aid, puts it on the nightstand and rolls over and Goes to sleep.

[Tommy Bo]

Oh, I love that exclamation point on that story.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, she couldn't.

[Tommy Bo]

Maybe she just couldn't hear you say no.

[Courtney Miller]

Maybe you shit.

[Tommy Bo]

Is that insensitive?

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, probably.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah, probably.

[Courtney Miller]

She wasn't deaf. Like, I think it was just bad hearing in one ear. Yeah. And then she, the next morning, the friend Tess who invited us to that concert, who I never heard from the rest of the night.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Well, yeah. Cause she dumped her crazy person on here.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, she did. She's like, hey, can you take care of this crazy person and take her pills? I woke up the next morning to her coming in, like jumping in, jumping on the bed and being like, hey. And I grabbed her. I was like, I need to talk to you. And yeah, that girl didn't leave my house to till 5pm that next day. Wanted to talk about doing a trip to Santa Barbara together in a hotel room. I have no idea. I was literally 17. I didn't understand these feelings or what that was. I was like, what is this?

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah, that's no way to hop into exploring something.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, no, I just wanna be like, do this. You wanna try it? Try my pills and try my vagabond.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Take it for a test drive.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Tommy Bo]

Wow, what a story.

[Courtney Miller]

That was the most I've ever been hit on by another girl, I think. But yeah, you'd say that's movie worthy.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I would say so, yeah. I mean, unfortunately you just gave away the entire plot.

[Courtney Miller]

Well, we had other details and layers we were gonna add on, but.

[Tommy Bo]

Great, there's four more grandmas.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, they just keep driving by to deliver different medications.

[Courtney Miller]

Grandma cameos, different famous old women.

[Tommy Bo]

Old women.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh my God.

[Tommy Bo]

Get em on Meryl Streep, please.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Hell yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

You wanna help me write that? Yeah, Monica, that'd be great.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, I'd love to.

[Tommy Bo]

Can I be a grandma?

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. Yes, be a grandma. Can you do our memes when we promote the movie coming out? Please? That'd be amazing.

[Tommy Bo]

Got it.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. That was the craziest night ever.

[Monica Vasanandi]

It was so wild that she was just so like, I'm gonna go for it and just like show up and if everything goes right, we'll be scissoring by 2am and then she hit the. And just kept jumping over him like she doesn't want the pills. I'll keep asking.

[Tommy Bo]

Maybe she wants the crush that we had on that guy.

[Courtney Miller]

Maybe she needs him around.

[Tommy Bo]

No, she doesn't need him around.

[Monica Vasanandi]

And then when it got to the bedroom part, she was like, you wanna sleep on the floor? That's fine. What turns you on? Like, just kept going.

[Tommy Bo]

Do floors turn you on?

[Monica Vasanandi]

You said you like it. How much do you like it?

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, my gosh.

[Tommy Bo]

Wow.

[Monica Vasanandi]

It's wild because, like, I think that I am so hyper aware of not wanting to be the person who is the creepy gay that we were told that all gays are. So I will try to just desexualize myself entirely when I'm with a group of women or in female spaces, like locker rooms or stuff, because I just don't want to come across that way at all.

[Courtney Miller]

I feel that paranoia, too. Even on the podcast where I came out, I was like, guys, disclaimer. I'm not into Olivia. I get worried if I make certain friends uncomfortable because I'm playfully flirty with literally everyone. But I definitely get paranoid and I compensate of when I'm worried that if I'm talking to my friend or who's a girl or just when they found out that I'm not straight, that they were like, oh, God, was she hitting on me that one time? I definitely worry about that.

[Monica Vasanandi]

And it sucks that that even has to come up for you. Cause I wouldn't. I don't assume that, like, every straight man I meet wants to get with me.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, that's the thing. I think that's something I kind of deal with, is, like, when I meet a lot of guys, I'm kind of almost always on the defense a little bit. Just I. And I think it's a lot with, like, my track record with guys. Cause, like, just growing up, I don't know if it was just who I was. I was weird, and I didn't realize how weird I was. So it came off as confidence to other people. I was just actually oblivious to my own weirdness, just kind of being appealing to guys. So I definitely have that a little bit just in the back of my head. It's never like, watch out, buddy, don't touch me. Whatever. It's definitely subconscious. Like, that's a thing I have to worry about. So I guess that's why I feel it so much.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Okay, that makes sense.

[Courtney Miller]

Because I'm imagining that that's what they're feeling with me.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah. There's a similar gay, like, parallel to that straight guy. There is a trope. A trope, Like a stereotype, I guess, of gay men pining over straight guys. And I'm not. I mean, I guess I get it, but I. I've personally never, ever got into a straight guy. I've never thought I was like, oh, I have A crush on him and I'm going to make it happen. And at a time, I think there was men that did a lot of that because I assume the closety nature of it. It just kind of like, get me out of here, I got a bone or whatever. But there is definitely, because of that era, I think there's less gay men in general that are doing that. But now, because that happened, there are straight men who think like, oh, is he gonna hit on me? Like, I don't know, I'm like, a little uncomfortable. So I've learned just like, you have to like, neutralize my, like, not my gayness, but, like the energy. I don't know, you just kinda like tugging me and you're just like, hi.

[Courtney Miller]

And I turn into a normal version of spongebob.

[Tommy Bo]

Exactly. How are you the little circle person? Yeah, exactly.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, just like, I like, like, just not sexual at all. Like just the least sexual person. What is that?

[Tommy Bo]

I don't know.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I'm plastic.

[Courtney Miller]

I look back on previous interactions I've had with women and men. I'm a very flirty person and it's bitten me in the ass before with guys. So I definitely look back on when I have a friend and I slapped her on the butt playfully. I'm like, ha, ha ha. I worry that. Oh my God, was that something that's uncomfortable for them? Like, I don't know. It's a weird. It's a weird give and take.

[Tommy Bo]

How long, how long is your longest relationship?

[Courtney Miller]

I think it was two and a half, maybe three years.

[Tommy Bo]

Gotcha.

[Courtney Miller]

Ish. And I was in the relationship when I realized I was like, okay, yeah, I'm at that point, I was like, oh, I'm pansexual. But, like, didn't do anything about it, didn't seek out information or how to learn about it or anything because I was in the relationship, I had some friends, I was like, oh, yeah, like, you go out, maybe go to a gay bar and like, see what that's like. But like, never ended up happening because I was like in this relationship where I was like, always with them. You know how it goes. So. Yeah, no. And I, I don't even know. Like, I still don't know if I picture myself in a relationship with a girl yet. It's just something I still need to, like, explore.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah, you gotta explore before you can go all that way.

[Courtney Miller]

It's just like being. When I was a kid, I was like, oh, I don't. Well, when I was a kid, little girl, I was boy crazy. And I was like, I want to marry a man. Immediate, not a man.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I'm gonna be a child bride.

[Courtney Miller]

I'm gonna marry a man. I was all about getting married and having a boyfriend. Super young, but, like, it's just. I feel like it's just the same as, like, I wasn't ready to make out with a boy yet. I didn't know him that well. So I think it's the same with girls where it's like, I'm not ready to do certain things. Cause I don't know. It's new. I'm like. I'm like a kid again, figuring stuff out like that.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Do you know what kind of girls you're into?

[Courtney Miller]

I feel like I made this tweet a while back where it's like, what do you mean? I have a type. And it's all these very sexy cartoon characters. I think that it's like, the unrealistically gorgeous long hair, crazy Amazon body. But I don't know. Even then, I'm like, I don't know.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Cartoon villains.

[Courtney Miller]

Courtney, hit me up.

[Tommy Bo]

Ursula, you got my number. Hit me up.

[Courtney Miller]

Hell, yeah.

[Tommy Bo]

I will hook you up.

[Courtney Miller]

Ursula's dummy. Thicc dude.

[Tommy Bo]

Oof.

[Monica Vasanandi]

How do you scissor?

[Tommy Bo]

If she got eight legs, it's a long night.

[Courtney Miller]

Like a foreplay.

[Tommy Bo]

I get it, though. Like, when I was first gaying. I don't know what I just said. When I was first gaying, I was also, like, into cartoons and. And, like, you know, just, like, ideally ideal figures of masculinity or men. And then as time got along and I did experience more things and, like, get the physical, like, reality of a human being and not, like, a cliche. That's when my type, I guess, kind of took more form and what is it? I don't really have one, so I know that's the antithesis to what I just said, but it's less about the picture in front of me and more about the dynamic. So it's like, I can't tell you what my type is, but when I talk to someone, I realize they're my type.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Have you noticed a through line at all with the men that you've dated or been interested in?

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah, well, the men that I've. There's people that I date, and then there's people that I like. This is my character flaw. Okay, we're all learning this here. The men I've dated have tended to be a little bit unsure of who they are. There's still an aspect of them that they're still trying to figure out.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Okay.

[Tommy Bo]

And I think I also have that. And so I'm like, now in this new spot where I'm like, well, let's just explore every aspect of myself before I hop into a new relationship. So I avoid that again. But I don't know if we offered an unsure. Like, are you scared of the world? I'm scared of the world. Let's do this together.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Tommy Bo]

And that's good. That's nice for that time. But, you know, looking forward. I want my wife. You know what I mean? I want my little. I don't want a baby, but I want that kind of life where you're in a partnership.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yes.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. I feel like that my type there is, like, a look I made that joke about. But it's more also, like the energy that they give off.

[Tommy Bo]

Right.

[Courtney Miller]

Like the sexy cartoon villains give off that, like, ironically, it's big dick energy. Or like that strong energy where they're like, yeah, what's up?

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah, it's like, fuck with me.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah. Just like the. Yeah. The confidence, slight arrogance. Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Because I remember watching Orange is the New Black early on in the show. I'm being, like, seeing all the different types of, like, gay women, and I'm being like, oh, that one's. Oh, that one, though, also. Whoa. Okay. They're all, like, very different. So it does. Because, like, there's the very masculine type and then there's the super feminine, just, like, powerful type as well. So. Yeah, it's just. It's the energy, I think, and what they give out.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah. There are a lot of different types of gay people. I don't know. I feel like the gay community is like, are you one of eight things? If not, I don't know what to do with you. So you have to shove yourself into one of the little. I don't know. How do you feel about the different ones in the lesbian community?

[Monica Vasanandi]

It's tough because I used to very much follow that and try to be like, where do I fit? Where does this person fit? And try to put people in these boxes and. And it's, I guess, kind of helpful if you like, if. For the people who feel like they fit that identity. I don't. So I just. I don't bother. I used to be like, I'm attracted to femme women, but, like, I realized, like, I'm attracted to, like, girls who would have been mean to me in high school. That's what I'm into.

[Courtney Miller]

That's so real.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yes. So it's. Yeah, I don't know. I think it's more prevalent in, like, the gay male community. Right? Like the bear. Twink otter.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. Having, like a specific.

[Tommy Bo]

Like, yeah. I mean, it's the. The labeling isn't. Being one of the labels isn't a problem. Like, if. If you're like, I'm a bear. Great, you're a bear. There's not. There's nothing negative about that. You have your. Your clique of people. It's the people who are on the, like, trickly outside people who are picky and choosy and the people on the outside because it's like, well, where do I. Yeah. Fit in? It's like, do I even care? So, like, I'm in the same boat where I like, oh, sorry, keep going.

[Courtney Miller]

Sorry.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah, there's just. There, there's. It's about, like, the people who aren't able to fit into those slots that feel isolated and like.

[Monica Vasanandi]

And it's like this microcosm of the whole gay experience. Because you're like, oh, I don't fit in because I'm gay. Oh, I found my people. And then within your people, you're also like, oh, but I'm still an outsider.

[Tommy Bo]

But I'm still not. And especially in the gay man community, we all hate each other. I don't get it. Like, it's so like.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, you've heard a little bit about that.

[Tommy Bo]

It is just like, people will. It's judgy, it's cliquey, it's just really everyone's. I mean. Cause it's like everyone can date each other. It's like the gay nightmare, but, like the beauty and the nightmare of it. And so it just. It becomes this tornado where you can't really grab onto anything. I don't know. That's a crappy metaphor, but that's what being gay feels like. Especially in la. It's tough out here.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I think that it's great being in a big city because you can find all different types of people. But also when you move to a big city, it's like, it feels like a competitive thing because it kind of is. Like, you are in this group of people that you are competing against each other to date each other. And it can be a really toxic environment.

[Tommy Bo]

It's the competition that really kills it.

[Courtney Miller]

That's tough. And that's. I feel like. I don't know, because that really ticked me off when I found out that, like, there really aren't many lesbian bars in LA at all. Because I feel like that helps people with their community getting together more and, like, Meeting each other more.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Have you tried Googling Want lady?

[Courtney Miller]

No.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Oh, yeah. Just Google Want lady.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah. Hello, Google Want lady.

[Courtney Miller]

Hi, Google this. Courtney, one lady, please. Please.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, it works.

[Courtney Miller]

Okay. Okay, I'll do that.

[Monica Vasanandi]

That's how I met my wife.

[Courtney Miller]

It's probably much more results now. I love hearing this stuff just. Cause I. Being where I'm at, where I'm just like, everyone's hot. Cause, you know, I sometimes feel I'm like, oh, I don't feel like. I feel like I'm on the outer rim of the outer rim. Because it's like I'm such like a floater. And I mean, I'm still figuring out I'm gonna probably be more solid in my identity of whatever this is more and more every day. But. But I feel like sometimes I'm like, oh, I don't feel like I'm supposed to be here. I don't feel like I deserve to be a part of the community because I feel like I'm such like a. I'm, like, dipping my toe in it, potentially. That's kind of what it feels like. Cause you and I had a fun night recently where we just got to sit down. Wait, us two? It was us three for a little bit. That was fun. Sorry. You were helping me a lot, Monica, with figuring out what I need to do and just how to figure it out. I also just. I still need to, like, do my research, too.

[Monica Vasanandi]

I mean, yes, it's good to do all the research just so that you're, like, informed and you're like. You can relate to other people's experiences. But I think a lot of people are in the same boat where they do feel like they don't belong in some way. So I don't know. I wouldn't worry about trying to hit a certain point before it, like, just happens for you, you know?

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tommy Bo]

And you're welcome in the queer community. Like, don't.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah, we checked.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, we checked our box.

[Tommy Bo]

We got the approval. Right. We, like, sent in the paperwork. Great.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, nice.

[Tommy Bo]

No, you're in.

[Courtney Miller]

Do I get a sash?

[Tommy Bo]

We ran out of sash. We'll get you one. But, yeah, I mean, for any, like, listeners out there that are in a similar boat to you, it's like having the curiosity in the acceptance is the gay agenda. And that's what being gay is. Just. We want the free openness. So it's like, the fact that you're interested in exploring that is acceptance enough. You've accepted us, so we're accepting you. You know what I mean, yeah, that makes sense.

[Courtney Miller]

That's a nice way of saying it.

[Monica Vasanandi]

And even if you don't feel accepted, it's your identity. You choose how you define yourself, and it's like, a deeply personal thing. So even if you don't feel like you're a part of the thing, you are. You are the thing.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. I think the reason why I deal with that is because when you're. Let me start over. When you're an influencer or I'm like, this Internet personality, everyone kind of has their shtick, their thing, whether it's their hair or their catchphrase or just the way they dress. I think since I feel like I have to find my brand and, like, who I am and have this identity to show people and present to people, I feel like I automatically kind of feel that in my sexual identity as well and, like, wanting to have the answers. So I guess that's why I feel that, like, uncertainty, because I, like, I always just want to be sure about everything. I always want to be fully understood with everything. Because it's like, when you're understood, if you make a mistake, people get you, and it's like, no, we know who you are. And when people know who you are, they appreciate you more as a person. I think that was what I wanted most when I was trying to figure all this out was like, if I understand myself, then I can help people understand me. But it's all a process, and you guys helped me a lot and still are. And I'm gonna probably text you guys. And I was like, hey, is it okay to say this? You never know. Yeah.

[Monica Vasanandi]

But Tabi and I are definitely gonna fuck with me.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, God, yeah. Lovely. Awesome. Well, thank you guys so much for coming on the Smosh cast. And, yeah, I hope everyone has an amazing Pride month. Is there, like, a thing to do to celebrate? Is there, like, a special dinner?

[Monica Vasanandi]

Yeah. You wear a dumb hat and then you slap yourself.

[Tommy Bo]

Yeah. What you need to make sure to do is to show up at someone's house.

[Courtney Miller]

Right.

[Tommy Bo]

Okay. Make sure you have a lot of vitamin C. Okay.

[Courtney Miller]

Okay.

[Tommy Bo]

How many. How many grandmas do you have?

[Courtney Miller]

It has to be a rap concert sleepover. Got it. Love that. Okay, so I already know. Awesome. Okay, well, I love you guys.

[Monica Vasanandi]

Thanks for having us. Oh, we love you, too. Please.

[Tommy Bo]

Did we file the paperwork for love?

[Courtney Miller]

Is it pending?

[Tommy Bo]

Okay, we'll get to it.

[Courtney Miller]

That's fine.

[Tommy Bo]

We will. Love you.

[Courtney Miller]

Thank you guys so much for listening and watching this very special episode of the Smoshcast with Tommy our social media memelord and our lovely writer, Monica. And by the way, I don't know if you've noticed people who were watching, there's this lovely table, this lovely hat on the table, these water bottles, and our lovely T shirt that Tommy is wearing you can get at Smosh store. And it's very comfy, very cute, very nice. And if you want to listen to the full audio episodes, you can get those on the Wednesdays on whatever listening app or the full video episode. If you want to see our cute little faces and our jumpsuits and our lovely leather jackets, you can see the full video episode on Fridays. Love you guys so much. Bye.