S1: #43 - Last to Leave the Office Wins $100,000 (Radio Play)

Summary

Smosh Mouth – S1: #43 - Last to Leave the Office Wins $100,000 (Radio Play)

Host/Author: Smosh
Release Date: December 18, 2019
Description: A holiday-themed murder mystery radio play where the Smosh cast members navigate spooky occurrences in their office, competing for a grand prize while uncovering dark secrets among themselves.

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1. Introduction to the Murder Mystery Radio Play

The episode kicks off with Courtney Miller introducing a special radio play concept conceived by writer Ryan Finnerty. Originally intended for Halloween, the team transitioned it into a spooky Christmas-themed mystery due to time constraints. Courtney explains the format—a purely audio-driven narrative akin to a television show without visuals—and hints at thrilling and humorous elements intertwined within the story.

Courtney Miller [00:41]: "We thought, why not do a spooky murder mystery Christmas themed radio play."

She encourages listeners to watch the accompanying video on the Smoshcast YouTube channel for enhanced storytelling, emphasizing the effort put in by coworkers Garrett and Jackie for sound effects.

2. Setting the Scene: The Haunting Begins

The narrative unfolds in the Smosh office boardroom a week before Christmas. The cast members—Ian, Keith, Olivia, Courtney, Shane, Damien, and Noah—gather, filled with holiday cheer but an underlying sense of unease.

Narrator [02:19]: "Twas the week before Christmas and in the Smosh office boardroom, the cast feels the holiday cheer. But there's more. A feeling of doom."

Courtney introduces a tantalizing challenge: whoever stays the longest in the haunted office overnight wins $100,000. This proposition ignites tension among the group as suspicions and fears begin to surface.

Courtney Miller [04:41]: "Whoever can spend the entire night in the haunted office with me gets the split $100,000."

3. Rising Tensions and Suspicious Behavior

As the cast debates the offer, interpersonal conflicts emerge:

• Damien Haas expresses a desire to seize the prize alone, suggesting others leave.

  Damien Haas [05:39]: "I could really use $100,000."

• Keith Leak Jr. and Noah Grossman advocate for an even split, highlighting Damien's selfishness and past gambling losses.

  Noah Grossman [05:56]: "We all gonna split the money evenly."

Courtney hints at mysterious and frightening events that have plagued the office, building suspense and justifying the challenge.

Courtney Miller [06:00]: "A lot of mysterious and scary things have happened in this office..."

4. The Descent into Chaos

As the night progresses, the atmosphere deteriorates:

• Shane Topp decides to leave, citing a flight to Spain, creating a rift.

  Shane Topp [07:40]: "I'm not staying here all night. I'm gonna go."

• Noah Grossman faces a perilous situation when his wallet chain gets caught in the parking gate, nearly leading to his demise.

  Noah Grossman [08:34]: "My chain. The gate begins to close..."

Back in the boardroom, the remaining members grapple with the absence of Noah and heightened paranoia about each other's intentions.

Keith Leak Jr. [09:19]: "Hey, shouldn't Noah be back by now?"

5. Unraveling Mysteries and Betrayals

The tension escalates as members confront each other:

• Damien attacks Shane, leading to a physical struggle that ends with Damien appearing dead.

  Tim [12:05]: "We were eating cookies and Damien attacked me."

• Olivia Sui discovers dismissive attitudes towards Damien's actions and begins to suspect supernatural involvement.

• The power outage plunges the office into darkness, intensifying fears and leading to chaotic decisions.

  Courtney Miller [14:01]: "This was a weird..."

6. The Climax: Revelations and True Intentions

In a series of plot twists, truths are unveiled:

• Courtney confesses to orchestrating the entire scenario out of loneliness, revealing that she never intended to offer the prize as initially stated.

  Courtney Miller [21:32]: "I offered everyone money to spend the night here because I'm lonely. But I realized that I don't have $100,000. So I had to kill everyone."

• Noah admits to sabotaging his own exit, contributing to the group's peril.

  Noah Grossman [22:25]: "I killed Olivia when I walked her out. I just wanted to make sure she didn't come back and get the money."

• Shane reveals he faked his death to avoid being the only target, adding layers to the deception.

  Shane Topp [22:35]: "I faked my own death when I figured out that I wasn't the only one trying to kill people."

These confessions expose the fragile trust among the group and the lengths they've gone to in their quest for the prize.

7. Resolution: Uniting Amidst Chaos

Despite the betrayals and deaths, the cast members find common ground. Damien apologizes, and the group collectively acknowledges their flawed motivations. The supernatural elements are downplayed, reinforcing that much of the fear was self-inflicted due to mistrust and desperation.

Noah Grossman [25:37]: "Trying to kill each other over nothing, huh?"

The episode concludes with the friends reflecting on their harrowing experience, emphasizing the resilience of their friendship even after attempts at betrayal. They share a humorous afterthought about the chaos they've endured together.

Noah Grossman [25:37]: "Trying to kill each other over nothing, huh?"

8. After Show: Reflections and Future Plans

Following the radio play, the after show segment features the cast discussing their favorite moments, behind-the-scenes insights, and humorous banter. They express appreciation for the sound effects team (Garrett and Jackie) and entertain ideas for future radio plays centered around different holidays.

Courtney Miller [28:42]: "Thanks, guys. And props to our Foley gang, Jackie."

The group teases potential future projects, including interactive fan-driven scripts and expanded storytelling formats, indicating a desire to continue exploring audio-driven narratives.

9. Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Courtney Miller [00:41]: "We thought, why not do a spooky murder mystery Christmas themed radio play."
• Courtney Miller [04:41]: "Whoever can spend the entire night in the haunted office with me gets the split $100,000."
• Noah Grossman [05:56]: "We all gonna split the money evenly."
• Shane Topp [07:40]: "I'm not staying here all night. I'm gonna go."
• Courtney Miller [21:32]: "I offered everyone money to spend the night here because I'm lonely. But I realized that I don't have $100,000. So I had to kill everyone."
• Shane Topp [22:35]: "I faked my own death when I figured out that I wasn't the only one trying to kill people."
• Noah Grossman [25:37]: "Trying to kill each other over nothing, huh?"

10. Conclusion

"Last to Leave the Office Wins $100,000 (Radio Play)" masterfully blends humor with suspense, showcasing the Smosh cast's versatility in storytelling. The episode navigates themes of greed, trust, and friendship under pressure, all while maintaining the trademark comedic flair that fans love. By leveraging audio-only storytelling, the cast delivers an immersive and entertaining experience that sets a bold precedent for future Smosh creative endeavors.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fright!

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Note: This summary excludes sponsorships, advertisements, and non-content sections, focusing solely on the narrative and character interactions central to the radio play.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Tim]

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[Narrator]

Ramble.

[Courtney Miller]

Welcome everyone to a very special Smosh cast. This was an idea that our writer Ryan Finnerty had to make a murder mystery radio play. We were originally going to do it for Halloween, but we ran out of time. So we thought, why not do a spooky murder mystery Christmas themed radio play? So essentially what a radio play is is it's like watching a television show, but it's just audio. If you guys like it, then we'll do more. So we brought in the whole cast for this episode. We had a great time. I don't want to spoil anything. There's lots of spooks though. It's spooky. And after you listen to this, we're going to have like a little after show where we talk about it. I also highly recommend after you guys listen to this, you watch the video that comes out on Friday on the Smoshcast YouTube channel. Because hearing it's one thing and seeing our coworkers Garrett and Jackie do all the sound effects is. It's something to behold. So I'm gonna shut up now and enjoy the smoshcast holiday murder mystery.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Tim]

VGW Group Void where prohibited by law, 21/plus terms and conditions apply.

[Narrator]

Twas the week before Christmas and in the Smosh office boardroom, the cast feels the holiday cheer. But there's more. A feeling of doom. Ian, Keith, Olivia, Courtney and Shane wait for the arrival of their friends, chatting and completely unaware that this may be the end. See, there's a chill in the air. But there's murder in the forecast. So the real chill is up ahead in this special episode of the smoshcast.

[Olivia Sui]

We should really clean up this office before winter break.

[Tim]

I'm not cleaning up the prop table. All those doll sized props creep me out.

[Shane Topp]

Really, Shane? I think they're cute.

[Courtney Miller]

Keith, where's Noah? I thought he gave you a ride.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

He's parking. He drops me off first because I complain if I have to walk too far.

[Narrator]

Noah enters, out of breath and takes a seat.

[Noah Grossman]

Hey, guys.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Noah.

[Courtney Miller]

Noah.

[Tim]

It's Noah.

[Narrator]

Noah slides his chair out and plops into his seat.

[Noah Grossman]

Sorry I'm late. I forgot the code to the parking gate, so I had to park down the street between the abandoned mental hospital and the old balloon factory under the.

[Tim]

Bridge that echoes with the sound of children's laughter.

[Olivia Sui]

Where the psycho murderer's shackles were found after he escaped from prison.

[Noah Grossman]

Yep.

[Courtney Miller]

Okay, so we're just waiting on Damian now.

[Shane Topp]

Noah, are you wearing a wallet chain?

[Noah Grossman]

Yeah, it's just like my new thing.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Told him it looks dumb, but he won't take it off.

[Narrator]

Olivia lies.

[Shane Topp]

It doesn't look dumb.

[Narrator]

Noah doesn't notice.

[Noah Grossman]

Thank you, Olivia.

[Narrator]

Damian hurriedly rushes in. He looks disheveled, like he hasn't slept in days. His friends hesitantly greet him.

[Courtney Miller]

Hey, Damien.

[Tim]

Damien, hey.

[Damien Haas]

I'm so sorry I'm late. I had to take the bus because my car broke down and I spent my last paycheck on a bad hopscotch. Bet my ringer, Aiden sprained his ankle playing freeze in the off season. Anyway, are we ready to start?

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. Welcome to a very special episode of the smoshcast. We're coming to you from the Smosh Office holiday party. I'm here with Shane, Courtney, Olivia, Keith, Damian, and Noah.

[Olivia Sui]

Yay.

[Courtney Miller]

Christmas, as we all know. But maybe the listeners don't. The Smosh Office is haunted. And with that in mind, I'd like to make you all an offer. Whoever can spend the entire night in the haunted office with me gets the split. $100,000.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Are you serious?

[Courtney Miller]

100,000%.

[Noah Grossman]

Wait, is this episode for the holidays or Halloween?

[Courtney Miller]

No, it's December.

[Noah Grossman]

Right.

[Courtney Miller]

So the holidays.

[Noah Grossman]

Okay, then why are we suddenly talking about the office being haunted?

[Shane Topp]

Yeah, ghosts and Christmas don't really go together.

[Tim]

Oh, what about the Charles Dickens classic A Christma Christmas Carol starring Scrooge McDuck?

[Courtney Miller]

Look, can you gu. Can you guys just please stop questioning the haunting? I'm going for a very specific vibe here, and you're messing it up.

[Olivia Sui]

And what vibe is that?

[Courtney Miller]

Spooky Christmas.

[Noah Grossman]

That's not a thing.

[Courtney Miller]

Okay, well, now the vibe is money. Okay. Remember the money?

[Damien Haas]

I do. I could really use $100,000.

[Tim]

Well, we'd all split it.

[Damien Haas]

In that case, I think everyone should consider leaving so I can have all the money.

[Olivia Sui]

Don't you think that's a little selfish?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Yeah, you don't deserve the money any more than the rest of us. Just because you made the decision to.

[Noah Grossman]

Lose everything gambling, we're all gonna split the money evenly.

[Courtney Miller]

Well, I wouldn't count that money yet. I mean, you'd have to make it through the night first. A lot of mysterious and scary things have happened in this office, things that I can tell you about as I have experienced them firsthand.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

I feel like you're trying to get us to ask you what happened.

[Courtney Miller]

Great question, Keith. Well, one night I was working really hard on an important. Everyone else had left for the day. I was at my desk when.

[Olivia Sui]

When what?

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, sorry. I was expecting to go into a flashback.

[Olivia Sui]

Flashback sound.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, there it is. Dear Tony the Tiger, I am a big fan of your cereal and your message. Would you love to collab? Maybe. What was that? Hello? Anyone out there?

[Olivia Sui]

The flashback's over.

[Courtney Miller]

I was too scared to leave my office, so I slept in there.

[Noah Grossman]

I bet it was aliens.

[Tim]

I bet it was nothing.

[Damien Haas]

I bet my entire life savings and most of my possessions on a series of children's schoolyard games.

[Courtney Miller]

While that is very concerning, this isn't about you, Damien. This is about the ghosts in the office and my very generous offer of $100,000 to those of you who are brave enough to spend the night among the ghosts.

[Olivia Sui]

This is so cool. It's like a murder mystery radio play. We're in an abandoned theater in the 1920s.

[Courtney Miller]

No, we're not in an abandoned movie theater, and this isn't a murder mystery radio play. It's just a group of people making an audio recording of their chilling experience in a haunted location overnight, during which some may perish under unknown circumstances.

[Shane Topp]

I'm not staying here all night. I'm gonna go.

[Olivia Sui]

Are you sure?

[Damien Haas]

She's sure.

[Courtney Miller]

Wait. Why? Don't you want to see what mysteries await you?

[Shane Topp]

No, I don't do mysteries, surprises, or conundrums. I need to be able to plan ahead. Bye, guys.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Bye, Lib.

[Tim]

Lip.

[Noah Grossman]

I'll walk you out.

[Narrator]

We follow Noah and Olivia out of the boardroom into the parking lot.

[Noah Grossman]

I don't blame you for leaving. I'm a little scared, too.

[Shane Topp]

I'm not scared. I have to catch a flight to Spain.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, cool.

[Noah Grossman]

What, are you going to Spain for dinner? Are you going to have paella?

[Shane Topp]

I don't know.

[Noah Grossman]

I love paella.

[Shane Topp]

Okay.

[Narrator]

Olivia gets into her car, and Noah lingers, watching her drive away with images of paella dancing in his head. And as he turns to go inside, Noah hits a snag when his wallet chain gets caught on the gate.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, no.

[Noah Grossman]

My chain.

[Narrator]

The gate begins to close, inching closer and closer to Noah as he struggles to free himself.

[Tim]

Come on, come on, come on.

[Noah Grossman]

Okay, what's the gate code? What's the gate code? It's definitely four numbers, right? Oh, maybe it's six numbers. Oh, no.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, no, no.

[Tim]

Ow.

[Narrator]

Unfortunately for Noah, his screams cannot be heard by his friends back in the boardroom, who are getting into the holiday season.

[Tim]

We should get cozy and watch a Christmas movie or something.

[Olivia Sui]

That sounds so fun. It'll be like a slumber party.

[Courtney Miller]

No, it's not a fun slumber party. It's a harrowing night of survival.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Hey, shouldn't Noah be back by now?

[Damien Haas]

Keith, buddy, don't worry about Noah. I'm sure he's alive.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Why wouldn't he be alive?

[Damien Haas]

That's what I'm saying. Hey, we should go get a snack in the kitchen and get your mind off your late friend.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

No, I'm good.

[Olivia Sui]

Weirdo.

[Damien Haas]

Aw, come on, I'm hungry.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Let's go get a snack, Damien. No, I said I'm good.

[Damien Haas]

Uh, you're good with having a snack, so you're gonna come with me.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

No, I'm good now. Like, I don't need to go with you because I'm already good.

[Damien Haas]

Oh, you have to admit, that's a pretty confusing phrase. So you can see how I could misinterpret that to mean you'd like to come with me. Maybe next time you should say, no, thank you.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

No, I'm good.

[Tim]

I'll go with you.

[Damien Haas]

No, thank you. I'll stay here with Keith.

[Tim]

But you said you were hungry.

[Damien Haas]

Yes, I guess I did say that. Let's go, Shane.

[Narrator]

Shane leads the way to the kitchen as Damian reluctantly joins him, looking back at Keith with an indiscernible expression. The door closes, leaving Keith, Courtney, and Ian alone in the boardroom.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

That was weird, right?

[Olivia Sui]

Yeah. Damien seems really aggressive tonight.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

And where the hell is Noah? I'm gonna go look for him out.

[Courtney Miller]

There all alone in this haunted office where Noah disappeared. And Damian, a desperate man with nothing left to lose, sees you as an obstacle between him and $100,000.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Uh, no. I guess I'll just call Him.

[Noah Grossman]

Hi, you've reached the Church of Noah Grossman. A real church that meets the minimum requirements for tax exempt status. If you are the irs, please do not leave a message as it is against the teachings of the Church of Noah Grossman to speak to the agents of any government entity. Thank you and God bless you. Or whatever we believe.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Okay, I'm getting really worried now.

[Olivia Sui]

Don't turn this into Noah Gate. He probably just ran into the boys in the kitchen.

[Courtney Miller]

Or the ghosts got him.

[Olivia Sui]

The ghosts did not get anyone.

[Courtney Miller]

Sure they did. Why do you think Shane screams all the time?

[Olivia Sui]

That's just his personality. He has low self esteem and needs to be loud so people acknowledge that he's there.

[Courtney Miller]

The ghosts.

[Olivia Sui]

That sounds like it came from the kitchen. We should check on them.

[Courtney Miller]

I'm so comfy here and I'm not.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Gonna walk into Damien's weird trap.

[Olivia Sui]

Do you think it's a trap door? Like in an abandoned theater?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Oh, shit. Could be.

[Courtney Miller]

No, it's not. This isn't an abandoned theater.

[Olivia Sui]

Isn't it though?

[Courtney Miller]

No.

[Olivia Sui]

Fine. I'm gonna go check on the boys while you two scaredy cats hide in here.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

I'm not a scaredy cat.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, and cats are badass anyway. They're basically living weapons with sharp claws and no empathy.

[Olivia Sui]

Sorry, I don't understand. Cat.

[Narrator]

With Keith and Ian firmly planted in their seats, Courtney walks into the kitchen to find Shane out of breath, standing over Damien's body.

[Olivia Sui]

Shane, what happened?

[Tim]

We were eating cookies and Damien attacked me. I had to use my big muscles to take him down.

[Courtney Miller]

Flashback.

[Olivia Sui]

Another flashback.

[Tim]

Man, I sure do love cookies.

[Damien Haas]

Yeah, me too. Hey, can you check if there are more in the cabinet?

[Tim]

Sure.

[Narrator]

Shane hops onto the countertop and reaches into the cabinet, searching for something to satisfy his friend's hunger.

[Tim]

I don't see any.

[Damien Haas]

Maybe in the back.

[Tim]

Hmm. Still not finding anything.

[Damien Haas]

Keep looking.

[Narrator]

Shane continues his quest for cookies, unaware that his best friend has finally ginger snapped.

[Damien Haas]

I'm so sorry, Shane.

[Narrator]

Damian winds up and lunges at Shane. Their bodies make contact and they scuffle.

[Courtney Miller]

Dude.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

What?

[Courtney Miller]

It just die? No.

[Olivia Sui]

And a flashback. Wow. Good thing you have such big muscles.

[Tim]

I know, right? Good job, big boys.

[Olivia Sui]

What was that?

[Tim]

Nothing. Love you, big boys.

[Olivia Sui]

Are you talking to your muscles?

[Tim]

No, not at all. We have to be discreet. Anyway, I checked. He's still alive, just unconscious.

[Olivia Sui]

I can't believe he really tried to hurt you for money. We should carry him back to the boardroom so we can keep an eye on him when he wakes up.

[Tim]

Good idea. I got him.

[Olivia Sui]

Are you sure you don't need help?

[Tim]

No, I got these big boys here.

[Olivia Sui]

Let me at least get his feet.

[Tim]

Why do you love his feet so much?

[Olivia Sui]

Why do you have to act like you're such a macho asshole? Let me help.

[Tim]

No, I got it.

[Narrator]

Shane continues his struggle until suddenly, the lights go out. Shane and Courtney fumble to find their phones. When they turn their flashlights on, they find that Damian's gone.

[Tim]

I must have thrown him into the next room when the lights went out. Bad boys. Did you hear that?

[Olivia Sui]

Yeah. What was it?

[Tim]

I don't care. Let's go to the boardroom.

[Olivia Sui]

It's empty.

[Narrator]

Or is it?

[Courtney Miller]

Hello?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Who's there?

[Tim]

It's Shane and Courtney.

[Narrator]

Keith slowly emerges from under the table.

[Olivia Sui]

Why are you hiding? Where's Ian?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Ian went to go fix the lights, and my phone died while I was trying to call Noah again, so I don't have a flashlight, and I got scared.

[Tim]

Okay, well, we'll stay here with you while I call for help.

[Olivia Sui]

Damian attacked Shane, then ran away.

[Tim]

Wow. Way to gloss over how I beat him into submission and carried his body across the office.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

I knew there was something going on with him. Oh, does anyone of you have a phone charger I can borrow?

[Olivia Sui]

Keith, there's no power, Right?

[Noah Grossman]

So how can you guys.

[Tim]

I don't have service or WI fi.

[Olivia Sui]

I'll call for help. Wait. I don't either.

[Narrator]

Suddenly, the door to the boardroom begins to shake.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Who's there?

[Narrator]

The door flies open to reveal Tim from it.

[Olivia Sui]

Tim from it?

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. Sorry I pulled the door instead of pushing. I just wanted to let you guys know that the WiFi's down for maintenance. Thanks.

[Tim]

Tim from IT.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Why is Tim working on the Wi Fi at night when the power's out?

[Tim]

He's just a really hard worker.

[Olivia Sui]

Yeah, Tim's the best.

[Tim]

You mean Tim's the vest?

[Olivia Sui]

Yeah.

[Narrator]

In case you missed the joke, Tim always wears a vest. Keith does not appreciate Shane's excellent pun.

[Tim]

Push.

[Shane Topp]

Hey, guys.

[Tim]

Olivia.

[Shane Topp]

Yeah?

[Narrator]

When the lights from Shane and Courtney's phones hit Olivia, they see that she is covered in cuts and bruises, and they wonder what happened.

[Olivia Sui]

You're covered in cuts and bruises. What happened?

[Shane Topp]

When I was leaving, my car ran into a pole and knocked down a power line.

[Tim]

You knocked down a power line?

[Shane Topp]

My car knocked down a power line, then a cell tower. I figured I'd just wait here and order an Uber.

[Olivia Sui]

Maybe the office really is haunted.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Or Damien did something to Olivia's car.

[Courtney Miller]

Help. Help me.

[Shane Topp]

Is that Ian? Where is he?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Not here. Which is where we're staying.

[Courtney Miller]

Please, somebody help me.

[Tim]

We should really go.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

No, Damien is still out there. This could be another trap.

[Olivia Sui]

Plus, Ian didn't want to go after you, so why would you want to help him?

[Tim]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[Damien Haas]

Please, I'm so sorry for all my.

[Courtney Miller]

Past, and please help me.

[Tim]

I don't accept his apology, but my heart is my biggest muscle, so let's go.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Fine. But if Damien is out there, y'all gotta tell him to kill you first.

[Tim]

Deal.

[Narrator]

As Keith, Olivia, Courtney, and Shane carefully make their way through the office, Olivia's eyes wander to the props table.

[Shane Topp]

Oh, my God. This neck pillow is so cute. It'll be perfect for my flight to Spain.

[Tim]

Olivia, that's for a doll.

[Shane Topp]

Are you saying I'm not a doll?

[Tim]

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

[Shane Topp]

Wow. Shane.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Yeah, wow.

[Tim]

Wow what? How am I the bad guy for saying Olivia's not a doll?

[Shane Topp]

Shane, I get that you're going through a lot because your best friend is a psycho murderer, so I'm just gonna pretend you didn't say that.

[Narrator]

Olivia puts on the neck pillow, modeling it for her friends.

[Courtney Miller]

Mm.

[Shane Topp]

How does it look?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

So cute.

[Tim]

Small. It looks small and doll like.

[Narrator]

Olivia starts choking.

[Olivia Sui]

I can't. I can't get it off.

[Narrator]

Her friends try to help her take the neck pillow off, but it's too tight. Guys, I'm back.

[Tim]

I told you it was too small.

[Olivia Sui]

Really, Shane, now is not the time for I told you so's.

[Tim]

Wow.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Wow. Wow.

[Olivia Sui]

Olivia, wake up.

[Narrator]

Olivia wouldn't wake up. Her life took an early departure.

[Olivia Sui]

Did you guys hear that?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Hear what?

[Olivia Sui]

It was a really bad pun.

[Narrator]

Kourtney is being unnecessarily mean to the narrator, who is just trying to. Trying to have a good time.

[Olivia Sui]

Well, maybe the narrator shouldn't be trying to have a good time when our friends are dying.

[Narrator]

All right, Courtney follows her own advice and turns her attention away from the very cool and funny narrator and back to her dead friend.

[Olivia Sui]

She's. She's dead. Oh, my God.

[Tim]

Olivia, we don't have time to mourn right now. We gotta get Ian and get out of here.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

You're being pretty cold about this.

[Olivia Sui]

Yeah, and now that I think of it, no one actually saw Damien attack you. Maybe you attacked him.

[Tim]

Guys, you're being paranoid. I'm sad about Olivia too. And with Damien, I was just defending myself. Let's just go to Ian.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Why is it more important to go to Ian, who is probably dead now, than to stay here with Olivia?

[Tim]

We don't know that Ian is dead. Shouldn't we save the people who are still alive rather than sit here and stare at a dead body?

[Olivia Sui]

I mean, Ian is the one who brought us here and made us stay all night, so I kind of don't mind if he dies.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

In fact, I'm down to go kill him if he's still alive.

[Olivia Sui]

Good idea. You and Shane.

[Tim]

Guys, that's crazy. Ian is our friend. We gotta help him.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

When's the last time Ian did something nice for you?

[Tim]

Ian is our boss. We gotta help him.

[Olivia Sui]

Look, I disagree, but we might as well go and see if he's alive.

[Tim]

Fine.

[Narrator]

The group of three continue their journey through the office, shooting Shane's suspicious glances.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Can't believe how long we've been walking. This office is huge.

[Olivia Sui]

I know. I need water. My mouth gets dry when I'm scared of imminent death.

[Tim]

Let's hit the water cooler.

[Olivia Sui]

It's empty, of course.

[Tim]

Oh, there's a new jug right there. I'll replace it.

[Olivia Sui]

Don't worry about it.

[Tim]

No, I. I got this.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Here, let me help you.

[Tim]

No, I got it.

[Narrator]

Shane falls to the floor under the weight of the water jug. The water pours out and Shane begins to drown.

[Olivia Sui]

Shane.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Oh, we have to help him.

[Olivia Sui]

Well, hang on. If we save him, we could be saving him. And he seemed really eager to save Ian. Maybe they're working together, but we don't know that.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

And he's also our friend.

[Olivia Sui]

Is he? What's the last time Shane did something nice for you?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Never. But I've never done anything nice for him either. That's how we operate.

[Olivia Sui]

So can you really call him a friend?

[Narrator]

While Courtney and Keith continue to contend, their companion croaks, meeting a watery end.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

He's dead.

[Olivia Sui]

Yeah. So should we go?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Yeah, let's go.

[Olivia Sui]

No more stopping. Okay? We get to Ian, then we get out of here.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

You got it.

[Narrator]

Little does Courtney know, she's entering her final act. That's both a callback to Courtney's idea about the abandoned theater and also foreshadowing the way that she dies. Spoiler alert. Narrating is harder than it seems.

[Olivia Sui]

Keith, I have to tell you something. I did something bad, so please don't judge me. I'm the one who.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

What the. Is that? A sandbag on a rope that fell from the rafters.

[Narrator]

Like in an abandoned theater tragedy.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

This is so fucked up. I'm out of here.

[Narrator]

Keith runs to the attic crawlspace until he finds a body splayed out in front of it. Damien, a figure, naked from the waist down, emerges from the Shadows.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Hello?

[Courtney Miller]

Keith Ian?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

What's going on here? What happened to Damian? Where are your pants?

[Courtney Miller]

I was in the crawlspace checking the fuses when I heard footsteps approaching.

[Olivia Sui]

Another flashback.

[Courtney Miller]

Hello? Who's there?

[Narrator]

As the footsteps get closer, Ian struggles to turn to see who approaches.

[Courtney Miller]

I'm stuck. Hello? Who's there? Oh gosh. Someone help me.

[Olivia Sui]

Help.

[Courtney Miller]

Help me. Ooo, that was a good flashback. So I had to take my pants off to shimmy out of the crawl space. And when I got out, Damien's body was on the floor.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

You can put your pants on now, though.

[Courtney Miller]

I know what happened to everyone else.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

They're all dead.

[Courtney Miller]

But you're still alive. Weird.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Why is that weird? Because the black guy always dies first. Oh, yeah, that's in horror movies. This is a murder mystery radio play. And that format doesn't know what to do with the black guy.

[Courtney Miller]

Makes sense. Anyway, I hate to do this, but I'm gonna have to kill you now.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

What?

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, I offered everyone money to spend the night here because I'm lonely. But when everyone accepted, I realized that I. I don't have $100,000. So I had to kill everyone.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

You don't have to kill me. I don't need the money.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, really wish you would have told me that before I confessed to murdering a bunch of people. So how should we do this? I could push you downstairs, or I could toss you into a vat of acid.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Where did you get a vat of acid?

[Courtney Miller]

I bought it on Facebook. Marketplace. But focus, Keith. Push or toss.

[Noah Grossman]

You're not pushing or tossing Keith anywhere.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Noah.

[Courtney Miller]

Noah.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

You're back.

[Noah Grossman]

Yeah, my chain got stuck on the gate and I couldn't remember the code to stop it from closing. But then I tried 11:11 and it worked. Yeah, I didn't have to take my chain off.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Damn it. You were supposed to take the chain off.

[Noah Grossman]

What?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

I. I thought that the gate would force you to take the chain off.

[Noah Grossman]

You knew I was out there. I could have died.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Shit happens.

[Noah Grossman]

I get it. I mean, I killed Olivia when I walked her out. I just wanted to make sure she didn't come back and get the money, so I cut her brake lines.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Oh, yo, that didn't kill her. She died because she thinks she's the same size as a doll.

[Shane Topp]

I am Olivia. Yeah, I faked my own death when I figured out that I wasn't the only one trying to kill people.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, shit.

[Noah Grossman]

You tried to kill people too?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Nice.

[Noah Grossman]

Oh, sorry I tried to kill you, by the way.

[Shane Topp]

Well, the joke's on you because I never even tried to use my breaks. I hit the power line on purpose because I wanted to be dark when I snuck back in to kill Damian. Because all this talk about being broken made me really uncomfortable.

[Damien Haas]

Oh, man. I'm sorry, Olivia.

[Noah Grossman]

Damian, did you just come back from the dead to apologize?

[Damien Haas]

I wasn't dead. I have panic attacks, then I pass out when I'm scared. That's what happened in the kitchen. I knew I could take Keith in hand to hand combat, but I was afraid of fighting Shane.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Honestly, that hurts more than knowing you wanted to kill me.

[Shane Topp]

Okay, well, Damien, I accept your apology. And now that we're good, I should warn you not to touch the stray cat I put in your office. It will definitely attack you.

[Damien Haas]

Aw, little kitty.

[Courtney Miller]

Ca.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Oh, I'm gonna pet her so good.

[Courtney Miller]

What is that?

[Shane Topp]

It's coming from the stairs.

[Tim]

It's me.

[Shane Topp]

Courtney.

[Olivia Sui]

Yeah. Hang on. Oh, you're all here.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

I'm sorry I left you. I thought you were dead also. Why do you still have that sandbag?

[Olivia Sui]

I wasn't dead. I faked it. Why isn't anyone gasping? I faked my death.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, so did Olivia and Damien.

[Damien Haas]

Not on purpose.

[Olivia Sui]

Oh, man. Got it. I thought I'd be the only one. I was really excited about the abandoned theater idea I had, so I thought it'd be cool if I got crushed by a falling sandbag. I also set up a series of trapdoors, but no one used them. But I did kill Shane.

[Shane Topp]

Aw, that's great.

[Olivia Sui]

Thanks. I saw how weak he was when he tried to carry Damien, so I took the water jug off the water cooler, knowing he couldn't resist putting it back on. Did. Did I do a good job?

[Courtney Miller]

You did a great job, Court.

[Tim]

Yeah, great job, Courtney. Great job of lying. If I can't lift the water jug, there's no way you can.

[Olivia Sui]

It wasn't that heavy. I think you're just really weak.

[Courtney Miller]

Sure, he's a weak ass bitch.

[Tim]

Oh, yeah. Would a weak ass bitch be able to lift up this sandbag? Fuck.

[Narrator]

Shane's inability to lift the sandbag is incredibly sad to watch. Thankfully, he gives up.

[Tim]

Wow.

[Damien Haas]

If I'd known you were this week, I wouldn't have been so scared to fight you that I passed out.

[Tim]

What? You didn't pass out. I fought you and I won. Then I sealed your fate by putting a peanut in your mouth. You all may not know this, but Damien here is deathly allergic to peanuts.

[Olivia Sui]

Oh.

[Damien Haas]

I've been wondering why I had this peanut in my mouth, and I'm not Allergic. I love peanuts.

[Tim]

Oh, damn. Which one of you is allergic to peanuts? Then?

[Damien Haas]

We established that.

[Tim]

Well, I guess my mind is as weak as my arms.

[Shane Topp]

Oh, Shane.

[Noah Grossman]

What a silly time we've all had. Trying to kill each other over nothing, huh?

[Tim]

Undoubtedly. Although, Damian, I think you should seek help for your gambling addiction.

[Damien Haas]

Oh, Shane.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Ian, you said you tried to kill everyone. But we all just tried to kill each other.

[Courtney Miller]

Well, I tried to poison all of you, but no one drank the coffee from the Keurig.

[Olivia Sui]

Ew.

[Shane Topp]

Why would we drink Keurig coffee?

[Courtney Miller]

Of course. How could I forget? We only drink my favorite coffee. [e-mail].

[Damien Haas]

Never heard of that.

[Courtney Miller]

Hey, guys. Tim from IT hey, the Wi Fi should work once the power comes back. Is there a. Is there a loose peanut up there? I'm deathly allergic.

[Tim]

Yes. Oh, nice. It's Tim. Tim's allergic to peanuts.

[Courtney Miller]

Here, drink this coffee.

[Narrator]

Tim falls to the floor and through Courtney's trapdoor and lands on Olivia's feral cat, Ian.

[Olivia Sui]

Was that the poison coffee?

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. I'm so bad.

[Tim]

Oh, man, that was awesome.

[Narrator]

The group stays up all night regaling each other with stories from their adventures and laughing about Tim's untimely demise. The friends prove that their friendship can outlast anything, Even attempted murder. Merry Christmas to all. And to all a good fright.

[Olivia Sui]

Oh, my God. Can you stop it with the garbage puns?

[Narrator]

Okay, I was literally right about to stop.

[Olivia Sui]

Okay, then stop.

[Narrator]

Okay, I'm stopping.

[Olivia Sui]

Wow, it doesn't sound like you're stopping right now.

[Narrator]

I'm gonna stop.

[Olivia Sui]

Can I like and. Yeah. Merry Christmas.

[Damien Haas]

Hello.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It is Ryan. And we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free, anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. So sign up [e-mail]. that's chumbacasino.com.

[Tim]

No purchase necessary. VGW Group void. We're prohibited by law 21 + terms and conditions apply.

[Courtney Miller]

All right, welcome. Welcome, everybody. Now to the the after show. The after the. The mystery, the after the murder, whatever you want to call it. It's the after cast.

[Shane Topp]

Yeah, I like that.

[Courtney Miller]

That's after cast. After cast. And there's Courtney.

[Olivia Sui]

Held that in the whole time.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, it's true. There were no burps that ever Interrupted the thing. That's pretty impressive. It's almost like you don't have to burp.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Oh.

[Olivia Sui]

It's all. It's all a facade.

[Courtney Miller]

Wow. Big props to Monica for writing.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Yes.

[Narrator]

Thanks, guys.

[Olivia Sui]

And props to our Foley gang, Jackie.

[Damien Haas]

And say props to the Foley gang.

[Courtney Miller]

They dress like that every day.

[Tim]

You know, if they went and did that exact routine at lacma, people would be like, wow, who are these incredible artists?

[Olivia Sui]

Are you saying they're not incredible artists?

[Tim]

Sadly, they kick you out if you try this.

[Olivia Sui]

Aw.

[Damien Haas]

Also, another shout out to Tim, who is clearly the best actor.

[Tim]

We have the best death.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, shucks.

[Noah Grossman]

Tim, was that your first recorded death?

[Courtney Miller]

I think so. I think that's my first recorded death.

[Noah Grossman]

I swear to God. That sounded like Joffrey dying. You were spot on with the death.

[Courtney Miller]

The trick is to actually cough.

[Noah Grossman]

The trick is to actually die.

[Tim]

Tim, you are a dungeon master for Dungeons and Dragons. Do you do those sound effects when you're doing that?

[Courtney Miller]

Sometimes. Generally. Generally, no. I'm not actually a good dm.

[Tim]

I don't believe that for a second.

[Courtney Miller]

What's the coolest D and D sound you can make? Probably just, like, demon voices.

[Shane Topp]

Do it.

[Courtney Miller]

Do it.

[Tim]

Well, you're doing a demon voice now.

[Courtney Miller]

Okay. All right.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

The demon voice is here.

[Narrator]

Oh, my God.

[Courtney Miller]

That's pretty good. That's about.

[Olivia Sui]

Oh, my goodness.

[Tim]

Holy crap. My demon voice is more like.

[Shane Topp]

Sam, I want to try. Can I try?

[Olivia Sui]

Try Olivia's demon voice.

[Tim]

Oh.

[Damien Haas]

Oh, demon.

[Courtney Miller]

I'm a demon.

[Narrator]

I'm going to eat your bones.

[Olivia Sui]

I thought you were saying, I'm going to eat your bun.

[Courtney Miller]

No, that's just normal.

[Olivia Sui]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Damien Haas]

If a demon ate your butt, that would suck. How you gonna sit down?

[Olivia Sui]

It's 2019. Demons eat butts now, guys, how would.

[Damien Haas]

Your torso connect to your legs if you ain't got no butt? That's the problem.

[Courtney Miller]

I don't know. I listened to the, like, the Bones Connecting song. I don't know you call it. And I'm pretty sure they don't say remix to Ignition because your butt is.

[Damien Haas]

All made of cartilage. That's not a bone.

[Shane Topp]

Your butt's made out of cake.

[Olivia Sui]

Oh, God.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Cake farts.

[Narrator]

Oh, my God. Thank you, Olivia.

[Courtney Miller]

Have you guys seen cake farts?

[Tim]

I've got just a wagon hitched to my torso.

[Noah Grossman]

Guys, do you think that we should do another one of these for, like, a different holiday?

[Tim]

Yeah.

[Olivia Sui]

Ooh, a spooky one. Like, this was spooky also, but, like, no.

[Narrator]

Taken Courtney.

[Courtney Miller]

Ooh, what if we did spooky. President's Day.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

This is the thing. I'm down to do it whenever. Because growing up, this is something that me and my mom used to listen to, like all the time. Really not smart cast, but the stories on the radio, it's like a, you know, a big part of my childhood.

[Courtney Miller]

Did you grow up in the 50s?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

No, but like in Ohio, the middle of nowhere. So like. I mean, like, it's. My mom enjoyed that, but they had like. Okay, this was the thing growing up, my sister. My. My sister and I, we didn't appreciate it. But like, now that I'm an adult, I'm like, damn, like, this reminds me of my childhood, so.

[Shane Topp]

Oh, that's cute.

[Courtney Miller]

What kind of. What kind of things were they? Were they like murder mysteries or what?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

It was like all types of stuff. She would go to the Christian one sometimes and then it'll be the other. You'd like the mystery. She didn't matter.

[Narrator]

Can you tell me more about the Christian ones?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

I mean, it was like really weird. It was like a lot of like, backstabbing in school situations. Yeah, it was weird.

[Shane Topp]

Wait, wait, wait.

[Olivia Sui]

Like drama?

[Tim]

Like Judas?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Yeah, like, pretty much. They were like, pretty. They honestly.

[Damien Haas]

This is the thing.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

They would honestly like, pull from, like. But they would pull from Bible like stories and make them like, you know, up to date.

[Narrator]

Oh, like Bible High school Bible Bible.

[Olivia Sui]

And now back to Bible High.

[Tim]

That guy. The whole freshman class.

[Shane Topp]

I thought murder mystery podcasts were a new thing. No, I didn't know this has been around.

[Olivia Sui]

Well, no, I mean, they had radio plays on the radio before we had television.

[Shane Topp]

Guys, I had no idea what a radio play was. You know what I thought this whole thing was today.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

What?

[Shane Topp]

Okay, now I feel stupid.

[Damien Haas]

No, I thought you gotta do it.

[Narrator]

You gotta say it.

[Shane Topp]

I'm so embarrassed.

[Olivia Sui]

Well, you didn't get emailed the script until this morning.

[Courtney Miller]

I know.

[Shane Topp]

And I didn't even think about to Google what radio play meant. I thought like, we were answering calls.

[Noah Grossman]

That would be a dog too.

[Olivia Sui]

Oh, my God, we have like a.

[Shane Topp]

I thought we were answering calls from people who needed advice.

[Tim]

Oh, I thought radio play was the guy who's married to.

[Olivia Sui]

That's Radiohead.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Get out of here.

[Courtney Miller]

No, it's cold.

[Damien Haas]

Coldplay.

[Olivia Sui]

I know, I know.

[Noah Grossman]

I think they broke up, Shane. I think they're no longer married.

[Damien Haas]

Coldplay is definitely still making music.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

No.

[Olivia Sui]

Oh, Chris Martiner. I wonder what like a spooky Valentine's Day radio play would be. Oh, it's gotta be like.

[Noah Grossman]

That's My birthday. Valentine's Day is my birthday. No other holiday, it'd be a spooky Noah's birthday celebration.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Way to make this about you, Noah.

[Noah Grossman]

Everything's about me, including this play. You know, I came back. Like, in horror movies. You know how the.

[Tim]

How the.

[Noah Grossman]

Well, everyone.

[Olivia Sui]

Yeah, we all came back.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Yeah, I made it to the end. Guys, wait.

[Damien Haas]

Can we always do the reversal of what you'd expect? So, like, for Halloween, we do a romance.

[Shane Topp]

I have an idea for, like, July 4th. What if we did, like, like, all, like, the founding Fathers that die?

[Olivia Sui]

No, I mean, we all die of.

[Damien Haas]

Natural causes at the appropriate time. So it's just history.

[Tim]

You're just saying we just do Hamilton.

[Courtney Miller]

No.

[Tim]

Just do Hamilton.

[Shane Topp]

I don't know. I'm just trying to spit out some ideas, okay.

[Courtney Miller]

And contribute to this conversation. You know what one funny thing about radio plays is? Orson Welles did War the Worlds back in the day, and nobody was really used to those things. And they made it seem like the. Like it was a real radio transmission and that they're being attacked by aliens. A lot of people actually got freaked out. They thought an actual alien invasion was happening.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Yo, yo.

[Tim]

Someone, like, people, like, did crazy shit.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Damien Haas]

They thought the world was ending.

[Tim]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Tim]

Like, I'm pretty sure people, like, murdered, like, murdered people.

[Olivia Sui]

I think I heard about that.

[Courtney Miller]

Like, aliens are here. Time to murder.

[Olivia Sui]

People started looting, probably.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, I know. People were, like, freaking the hell out because they made it seem like a real radio. Oh. And now we're here. Oh, my gosh. What's that in the sky?

[Olivia Sui]

What were you saying, Keith?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

I was gonna say, do you guys know who played radio the best?

[Courtney Miller]

Cuba. Cuba Gooding Jr.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Yes.

[Noah Grossman]

Oh, that is so good.

[Tim]

We just read the script to radio.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Have you guys ever seen radio before?

[Tim]

I saw radio in theaters.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Really?

[Tim]

Of course I did. I probably cried.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

You cried?

[Tim]

Probably.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

You cried?

[Tim]

Cuba Gooding got me good.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

He got you good.

[Olivia Sui]

Wow.

[Tim]

Yeah. There we go.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Good lord.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Noah Grossman]

We should do one of these. I'm so happy about these radio shows. We should get one where the fans can, like, somehow we mad lib it. Or it's like one of those books where you turn to different pages or we roll a die, and there's, like, three things that could happen.

[Olivia Sui]

We could straight up read fan fiction as a radio play, probably with narration. Yeah, let's.

[Noah Grossman]

Because sometimes their scripts are great, but also we. We definitely bring them word for word when we do them. So maybe for this one, we'll. We'll spice it up a little.

[Damien Haas]

I Like, the idea of Mad Libs. Because, like, if they're anything like real Mad Libs, you're like, hello, I'm Professor But. Do you have any buts balls?

[Courtney Miller]

I need more.

[Damien Haas]

I mean, you've more or less.

[Tim]

Yeah.

[Damien Haas]

Same page.

[Tim]

We could also read a bunch of rejected scripts that we never made.

[Narrator]

Oh, that'd be fun, because I have a lot of them.

[Damien Haas]

Literally all the ones I've ever seen.

[Tim]

And there's so many that just visually we could never make on camera. So we could just explain the visuals.

[Narrator]

Garrett and Jackie, are there any sounds that you guys really want to make that you didn't get to make this time?

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, yeah. Treat us.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Tim]

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[Courtney Miller]

Do you have it? Do you have any sounds?

[Tim]

The sound of me going on vacation. Garrett was out of here. It's hard work. I. I put in a lot of work. Of sweating. Yeah, there's water around, but that's from. I'm standing on.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

He peed.

[Courtney Miller]

Yes. No, I did not pee.

[Narrator]

And you made Jack myself.

[Courtney Miller]

Let it be known that Garrett peed. I did not pee. I wet myself with a bottle. Did not pee.

[Tim]

Garrett, looks like you went to France for five days and came back and was like, yeah, I. I really connected with the culture.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

If you dress like that when you go to Paris, you are the problem.

[Tim]

Garrett looks like it's amazing. A croissant. You've never had a croissant until you have one.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

A croissant. Croissant.

[Olivia Sui]

I made all the sounds that I.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Wanted to make during Jackie Proud of you.

[Olivia Sui]

Jackie proud of you.

[Courtney Miller]

She's had enough. She's been fulfilled.

[Shane Topp]

Who else's butt hurts?

[Olivia Sui]

These chairs are like the bare bones chairs.

[Shane Topp]

I like how Courtney understands me.

[Olivia Sui]

I get you. I know your butt.

[Narrator]

I sit on pillows.

[Damien Haas]

I know my butt.

[Olivia Sui]

That's our code for Damien. I know your butt.

[Damien Haas]

What's up?

[Tim]

These chairs are. It's Thanksgiving. And you didn't make the main table.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, this? Yeah, this is definitely child, just tickle me.

[Olivia Sui]

Sorry.

[Shane Topp]

This feels like a table read for, like, Game of Thrones.

[Olivia Sui]

Hell, yes.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Exactly.

[Olivia Sui]

We're basically hbo.

[Shane Topp]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

So who. Who. Who thought who? Reading through. Reading through the script, who did you think was gonna be the murderer? Who did you guys think?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

I thought you at first.

[Courtney Miller]

I thought you.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Yeah, definitely thought you.

[Courtney Miller]

Wow.

[Shane Topp]

You have, like, murdery vibes.

[Olivia Sui]

And then Damien pre vibes.

[Courtney Miller]

I definitely do have murder vibes.

[Damien Haas]

I feel like they set me up too much of, like, where's Damien? We don't know where he is. Where's the body? I'm like, if it turns out to be me, I'm gonna be actually way more surprised.

[Shane Topp]

Actually, I think it's the people that act happy all the time who are the murderers in real life.

[Damien Haas]

Yeah.

[Tim]

So me, I thought it was gonna be Garrett.

[Shane Topp]

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

[Courtney Miller]

I petitioned for it. I kind of thought maybe the narrator was gonna be the murderer.

[Narrator]

Ooh, that's a good one to put for next time.

[Damien Haas]

Or they make them murder. Like, the narrator's like, courtney stabbed Olivia. And they're like, what? No idea.

[Narrator]

She doesn't want to.

[Damien Haas]

Courtney stabbed Olivia?

[Shane Topp]

Oh, that's.

[Narrator]

Oh, that's really fun. If both of them really don't want to.

[Tim]

For those of you listening, our narrator looks like she's about to compete in a spelling bee.

[Olivia Sui]

Yes. Suit and tie, baby.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Bye.

[Narrator]

Look, it's just. It's just last year we didn't do that well, and so I thought if I dressed the part, then, you know, I'd do a lot better this year.

[Shane Topp]

Model UN Looking ass.

[Olivia Sui]

No.

[Damien Haas]

You guys are trying to play. But, like, real talk, this is Monica's best suit.

[Narrator]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I. I didn't get married in this.

[Olivia Sui]

Oh, my God.

[Shane Topp]

Science fair. Look at ass.

[Olivia Sui]

Oh, my God.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

We're not about to cover Monica.

[Damien Haas]

It's way, sir.

[Shane Topp]

I'm kidding. I love Monica. I stand.

[Narrator]

Hey, guys. You have to say the words I write. So like that in line, she writes.

[Olivia Sui]

Our deaths into actual slosh. Catch. We can't be cast anymore.

[Tim]

And next. Next to her, Damien and I look like the two first options you get for Arthur Morgan and Red.

[Damien Haas]

It's like you pick the same character in the fighting game. You're like, okay, I want to be. Well, can you unselect so I can be the black one? And then you're the. You've got the light jacket. Thank you.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Is it the same? Is it the same jacket?

[Olivia Sui]

We're wearing the same jacket. One's tan and one's black denim.

[Damien Haas]

His is corduroy.

[Tim]

It's a whole thing. Yeah, it's a whole thing.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

I like it.

[Olivia Sui]

Y'all are a whole thing.

[Shane Topp]

I love the energy that's happening that's just, like, transcending through.

[Olivia Sui]

Out of their coats or. Oh, all of us. Okay. I was like.

[Noah Grossman]

Guys, I got a quick question about.

[Courtney Miller]

About the.

[Noah Grossman]

About the thing. Yeah, about the radio thing. What was everyone's favorite part?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

My favorite part was the. The folly people over here. Foley. The fall. The foal falls, The Fallout Boys, the fo Fos. The Foley people. I think they were the best part. They worked really hard. I mean, we just got to sit here and chill and, like, laugh at them, but. But they did a really, really good job.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Olivia Sui]

Tim's death was iconic also.

[Courtney Miller]

They took our shoes.

[Shane Topp]

They took our shoes.

[Courtney Miller]

And I'm not sure when we're gonna get this back.

[Shane Topp]

Why did they take our shoes?

[Courtney Miller]

For accurate representations of when you all were walking, I'm pretty sure they all sounded the same.

[Tim]

There's little difference. I understand that you needed my shoes for the sound effects, but why'd you spit in them?

[Courtney Miller]

Because.

[Tim]

Because the human body is what, 70% water?

[Courtney Miller]

Shane.

[Damien Haas]

I want to see where he's going with the sh.

[Courtney Miller]

And I wanted there to be liquid in those shoes as if it was a human body.

[Tim]

I also put some other dry materials in there.

[Courtney Miller]

Shane, I don't think that's spit. Shane. Ew.

[Tim]

What?

[Damien Haas]

What is it, Garrett?

[Tim]

Yeah, Ian, what is it? Yeah, you got to follow through with this now. Come on.

[Shane Topp]

What is it?

[Courtney Miller]

What is it? It's tears, cuz someone already says.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Is.

[Courtney Miller]

It's really. It's really wet. Semen. Is that what you wanted to hear there? I said it. I said it. I said it.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

You asked for it.

[Courtney Miller]

I said it.

[Olivia Sui]

I.

[Tim]

What?

[Damien Haas]

It was.

[Courtney Miller]

I said it.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

He took it too far, cuz he said it was wet.

[Olivia Sui]

We all know we. We stand dry.

[Noah Grossman]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

When I.

[Damien Haas]

There's some Foley for you.

[Narrator]

Wait, is it normally wet or dry?

[Courtney Miller]

It's like. Well, have you ever. Yeah. What? What? Huh?

[Damien Haas]

It's like a single sugar cubism.

[Courtney Miller]

It's like. Have you ever seen. Have you ever seen dehydrated milk?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

No, it's not about this anymore.

[Shane Topp]

Oh, like buttermilk. Like coagulated milk.

[Courtney Miller]

Like, if you go. If you go.

[Noah Grossman]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

What was your favorite part? Everyone else.

[Noah Grossman]

Yeah, your favorite part.

[Olivia Sui]

Why are we.

[Shane Topp]

Can we keep talking about this?

[Keith Leak Jr.]

No, Olivia, not so.

[Noah Grossman]

I really enjoyed Courtney. I agree. I think Tim's death was unbelievable. Yeah, seriously, like, arguably a real death.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Olivia Sui]

Hold on.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Could you do a little bit more for us, please? Like, give us some more? Yeah, please give us a little bit more.

[Courtney Miller]

Hey, hey, Tim, can you die some more?

[Damien Haas]

I need a new ringtone. Please do.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, wait, wait. Should we.

[Narrator]

Yeah, hold on, hold on.

[Courtney Miller]

Here.

[Narrator]

It'll make sounds.

[Courtney Miller]

All I'm good is coughing. Should we. I feel like we should set up a new scenario for Tim's death. Okay.

[Narrator]

What do you have over there?

[Courtney Miller]

This is a sock full of rice.

[Tim]

That accurately represents the sounds of Tim's body collapsing.

[Olivia Sui]

These are cups that will make crunching sounds.

[Narrator]

Tim walks to his car, jingling his keys in his pocket.

[Tim]

Those are what Tim's keys for sure sound like.

[Narrator]

Yeah, Tim's magical keys.

[Tim]

He got them at World Market.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, cool. My car. I have found it.

[Narrator]

He opens the door and gets inside. He turns on the engine and the radio.

[Courtney Miller]

I'm gonna switch it over to npr. This is great.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

He gave him a buggy.

[Narrator]

As Tim starts to descend the parking.

[Courtney Miller]

Garage earlier today.

[Narrator]

He notices that he suddenly has no will to live.

[Courtney Miller]

Wow. I just want to die.

[Narrator]

All of a sudden, Tim sees an opening and guns it.

[Olivia Sui]

Draws straight through the wall.

[Narrator]

As his car careens off the parking garage, it flips and lands, crunching Tim's body. And we hear his final moments.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, I wish I. I watched the rest of the TV show. I wish I watched the rest of the TV show.

[Tim]

What was your last regret? I wanted to watch the rest of that TV show.

[Courtney Miller]

I can't possibly think of a better way to end this very special Smosh cast. Thank you guys for providing such wonderful voices. Thank you Monica for writing this. Thank you guys. And thank you guys for listening or watching this very experimental Smosh cast. I hope you guys enjoyed it and if you did, please let us know in the comments. Hit a like, rate us five stars on any of the apps and we'll see you next time.

[Keith Leak Jr.]

Happy holidays.

[Courtney Miller]

Happy merry, happy holiday.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Tim]

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