S2: #72 - The L-Word, Lowering Your Standards, and Confronting a Lying Partner (Smosh Advice)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Smosh Mouth S2: #72 - The L-Word, Lowering Your Standards, and Confronting a Lying Partner (Smosh Advice)
Release Date: July 22, 2020
Host/Author: Smosh (Shayne Topp, Amanda Lehan-Canto, and guest Claudio)
Description: Join Shayne Topp, Amanda Lehan-Canto, and a rotating Smosh friend as they delve into listener-submitted relationship questions, offering their unique perspectives and advice.

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Introduction

In this episode, Smosh tackles a variety of relationship dilemmas submitted by listeners through Twitter. The trio—Ian Hecox, Courtney Miller, and Sarah Wheeler—bring their personal experiences and candid insights to each question, aiming to provide practical and relatable advice.

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1. Managing Social Anxiety in Dating

Question from Zukoyaki: "I have serious social anxiety and fear of being judged when I decide to look for someone currently not dating. How can I manage those anxieties and fears in order to build a solid relationship?"

Key Points:

• Group Dates: Ian suggests participating in group activities to reduce pressure and observe potential partners in social settings.

  "Group dates are awesome... it’s less pressure for you and that person." [06:00]

• Building Confidence: Sarah emphasizes the importance of self-confidence and being comfortable with oneself before seeking a relationship.

  "Once you have that confidence within yourself... you have a partner who wants someone that's confident and open." [07:15]

• Being Open About Interests: Courtney highlights the value of sharing one's true interests to foster genuine connections.

  "Being more open with who I am... it’s pretty liberating." [08:20]

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2. Getting Over Unrequited Love

Question from Nerdy Ginger 101: "How do you get over someone who was never interested in you?"

Key Points:

• Letting Go of Idealized Memories: Sarah advises viewing past feelings as positive chapters and encourages moving forward to create new experiences.

  "Write more chapters with different characters... don't let it close you off." [11:29]

• Personal Anecdotes: Ian shares his high school experience of an unreciprocated crush, emphasizing the importance of letting go and recognizing mismatched feelings.

  "I couldn’t let go... you just gotta let it go." [13:04]

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3. Lowering Standards vs. Maintaining Values

Question from Ms. McKenzie: "Should I lower my standards or try to be more open-minded in dating?"

Key Points:

• Clarity on Standards: Courtney advises reflecting on essential values rather than superficial traits.

  "Don’t judge someone immediately... focus on values and communication." [15:33]

• Flexibility: Sarah underscores the importance of being open to different types of people while recognizing certain deal-breakers.

  "Some are deal breakers, but others are flexible... stay open to possibilities." [16:43]

• Avoiding Rigid Checklists: Ian recommends shifting focus from a strict checklist to discovering what truly matters in a relationship.

  "Don’t put someone in a box... start with attraction and build from there." [17:13]

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4. Using the L-word (Love)

Question from Double Dare Me: "How do you know when it's okay to use the L word?"

Key Points:

• Expressing Genuine Feelings: Ian advises saying "I love you" when sincerity is felt, without pressuring for reciprocation.

  "Say it because that's how I feel... don’t expect them to say it back." [27:30]

• Fluidity and Timing: Courtney points out that "I love you" is a feeling and not a commitment, encouraging expressing it when it naturally occurs.

  "It's just a feeling, and it's nice to say it." [28:40]

• Believing in Your Terms: Sarah highlights the importance of believing in the meaning of love before expressing it.

  "Fully believe what love means to you before saying it." [29:02]

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5. Transitioning from Best Friends to Dating

Question from Diddly Namjoon: "If you're already best friends and then start dating, how much is your relationship going to change?"

Key Points:

• Communication is Key: Both Ian and Sarah emphasize the importance of honest and open communication to navigate the new dynamics.

  "Keep the communication very open." [33:24]

• Potential Risks and Rewards: Ian shares his personal experience of dating a best friend, highlighting both the initial excitement and the challenges that followed.

  "We started dating... but later I realized it wasn't what I wanted." [30:35]

• Maintaining Friendship: Courtney illustrates that successfully transitioning can preserve the friendship even if the romantic relationship doesn't work out.

  "They stayed friends even after dating didn't work out." [33:16]

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6. Confronting a Lying Partner

Question from Midnight Snack: "What do you do when you know your significant other is lying but you don't like confrontation?"

Key Points:

• Respectful Confrontation: Sarah and Courtney stress the necessity of addressing lies respectfully to foster trust and growth in the relationship.

  "Respectfully bring things up... confrontation is a part of life." [35:16]

• Assessing Trust Issues: Ian shares a personal story about discovering his partner's lies, highlighting the importance of addressing trust to evaluate the relationship's future.

  "You have to talk about it more... see how they react." [35:15]

• Recognizing Red Flags: The trio advises recognizing persistent dishonesty as potential red flags signaling deeper issues in the relationship.

  "If you’re constantly having to call out lies, that’s a big red flag." [36:41]

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7. Dating During COVID-19

Question from Is the fangirl Girl: "How do you date during COVID when you can't go anywhere?"

Key Points:

• Virtual Dates: Ian and Sarah promote video calls and virtual interactions as effective ways to maintain connections.

  "Video chat is harder than face-to-face, but it’s better than texting." [39:02]

• Outdoor Activities: Courtney suggests socially distanced outdoor activities, such as picnics and hikes, to safely enjoy time together.

  "Go on a hike or a kayak to stay safe and enjoy nature." [38:26]

• Creative Planning: The hosts encourage creativity in planning dates to adapt to current restrictions, making the experience fun and safe.

  "It forces you to think a little harder about how to plan a date." [40:14]

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8. Pansexual Dating Challenges

Question from Frank: "I'm pansexual, giving me more options, but I'm still single. What do I do?"

Key Points:

• No Pressure from More Options: Courtney explains that being pansexual doesn't necessarily mean having more matches, as meaningful connections still require effort and compatibility.

  "Don't put more pressure on yourself thinking you have more options." [42:11]

• Exploration and Openness: Sarah and Ian emphasize the importance of exploring different attractions and staying open to various possibilities without rigid expectations.

  "Remain open to the possibilities... there is a learning curve." [43:36]

• Understanding Attraction: The hosts discuss the nuances within pansexuality, acknowledging that attraction can be complex and individualized.

  "There are so many veins within that main path." [43:54]

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9. The Search for "The One"

Question from Addam Up: "Do you think our constant search for the one actually hurts our ability to have a meaningful relationship?"

Key Points:

• Multiple Potential Partners: Sarah challenges the notion of a singular soulmate, suggesting that multiple meaningful relationships can exist.

  "There are many ones... depending on the person you end up with." [44:21]

• Growth Within Relationships: Ian reinforces that relationships thrive on mutual growth and adaptability rather than searching for a perfect match.

  "Find someone and create something close to perfect together." [46:53]

• Balancing Expectations: Courtney advises balancing the search for compatibility with realistic expectations, allowing room for imperfections and growth.

  "Allow for some flaws because there’s no perfect person." [45:51]

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10. Lightning Round Highlights

In the lightning round, the hosts address quick-fire questions from listeners, providing succinct and often humorous responses.

• Age Gaps:

  "It depends on the ages... Case by case." [51:10]

• Navigating Dating Apps Safely:

  "Don't go on a date if you feel unsafe... leave personal data out." [51:31]

• Carbon Dating (Humorous Take):

  "Wrong kind of dating... move on." [52:22]

• Meet Cutes in Online Dating:

  "I've experienced them and yes, I'd say they still happen." [52:41]

• Important Traits in a Significant Other:

  "Trustworthy, Funny, Emotionally available." [53:09]

• Rejecting a KFC Date:

  "Tell her it’s not going to work." [53:51]

• Dating vs. Strong Friendships:

  "You can bring a significant other into the friendship if you want, but it’s okay to stay close with friends without dating." [54:36]

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Conclusion

The Smosh Mouth hosts wrap up the episode by reflecting on the insightful discussions, encouraging listeners to engage with their content across various platforms. They emphasize the importance of honest communication, self-awareness, and adaptability in navigating relationships.

Notable Closing Quotes:

"Shoot, dude. That's a story." [56:44]
"It's about growing together and creating something close to perfect." [46:53]

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Key Takeaways:

• Self-Confidence: Building self-confidence is crucial before seeking a relationship.
• Open Communication: Honest and respectful communication can resolve misunderstandings and build trust.
• Flexibility in Standards: Maintaining core values while being open to different types of people enhances relationship prospects.
• Adaptability: Adjusting dating strategies during challenging times, like the COVID-19 pandemic, can help maintain connections.
• Rejecting the Perfect Match Myth: Focusing on mutual growth and compatibility rather than an unattainable "perfect" partner leads to more fulfilling relationships.

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For more nuanced advice and entertaining discussions, tune in to the Smosh Mouth podcast every Wednesday for uncensored audio and every Friday for censored video content on their YouTube channel.

Transcript

[Ian Hecox]

Ramble.

[Courtney Miller]

Saying, I love you is not a will you marry me? It's just. It's a feeling, and it's nice to say it.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Like, you hate confrontation. Unfortunately, confrontation is a part of life, and you really need to, like, learn how to respectfully bring things up.

[Ian Hecox]

I don't think that there's any way of being like, ah, we are perfect for each other right now, and we are gonna stay perfect for each other for the rest of our lives.

[Courtney Miller]

Sometimes I can be a little bit judgmental of a person. M. Both of you guys are like, mm, mm.

[Ian Hecox]

Guys, there is a Batman marathon on tv the other day when I was with my dad, like, all the movies, like, Batman Forever. Like, the Jim Carrey Riddler one and then the George Clooney one.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Yeah, I think the one with Michelle Pfeiffer and Danny DeVito.

[Ian Hecox]

I haven't seen that one.

[Courtney Miller]

Isn't the George Clooney one. Like, doesn't it have a lot. Isn't it, like, very secretly homoerotic?

[Sarah Wheeler]

Oh, I don't know. I don't think I ever seen any of them.

[Ian Hecox]

Dude, Batman Forever is the one where he can't turn his neck in the suit. He's literally, like. When he gets on the roof, he's.

[Courtney Miller]

Like, doesn't he also have, like, nipples on his, like, chest plate?

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah. And then there's a straight up posed butt shot as he's getting sued up.

[Sarah Wheeler]

You know what? I'm. You know, I'm not complaining. Butt shot. That used to be the thing. Like, Brad Pitt in Troy, he had, like, a butt shot. And Ben Affleck in Gone Girl, you just get a flash of butt.

[Courtney Miller]

I mean, this one's for the leaks. Who's gonna complain about a flash of butt?

[Sarah Wheeler]

Yeah, I'm not gonna complain.

[Courtney Miller]

I'm not complaining.

[Sarah Wheeler]

I'm not gonna complain.

[Courtney Miller]

Sons of Anarchy, you get to see some. Charlie. How do you say his last name? Hunton.

[Ian Hecox]

That's the second time I've heard someone mention Sons of Anarchy. I've never seen that show.

[Sarah Wheeler]

It's a very popular show, but I'm. I haven't gotten into it.

[Courtney Miller]

I watched, like, three. I watched three seasons, and that was. That was enough for me. But you get to see. You get to see that guy's butt. Oh, by the way, who am I talking to? Hello, It's Ian Hecox of Smosh. Today I am talking to Courtney Mealar.

[Ian Hecox]

Hi.

[Courtney Miller]

And Sarah Wheeler.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Hello.

[Ian Hecox]

Hey, big sis.

[Courtney Miller]

Today we will be going through a bunch of relationship advice. You guys submitted a bunch of wonderful Questions to us on Twitter, and we're going to go through a few of them and give our best advice. Of course. I am a single person, so maybe my relationship advice shouldn't be taken completely.

[Ian Hecox]

We've got some different perspectives on these things.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, we've all been through different things. We are not. We've been through. Yeah, we've been through.

[Sarah Wheeler]

We've been.

[Courtney Miller]

We are not licensed relationship doctors.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Yeah. Love guru. No, I'm not a love guru. And I.

[Courtney Miller]

But I'm a. I'm a love.

[Ian Hecox]

Hoo hoo for my brand.

[Courtney Miller]

Sorry.

[Sarah Wheeler]

I love who. Yeah, I like it because we're all kind of like, in different walks of relationships. We've obviously all had different types of dating styles. I think knowing each of us, we all date a little differently. And then obviously, I've been married for two years in September.

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah.

[Sarah Wheeler]

So I also have that under my belt. But also many failed relationships as well.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, yeah, we've been through.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Yes.

[Courtney Miller]

It must be so nice for somebody that just finds the one on the first go and they're just like, all right.

[Ian Hecox]

Their life is just set.

[Sarah Wheeler]

I mean, it's different for everyone. But I think you should date around because that's how I found out what I liked and what I didn't like.

[Ian Hecox]

And you learned so much. Yeah. Yeah.

[Sarah Wheeler]

And what. What I could deal with. Like. Cause no one's gonna be perfect. And what I just could not deal with.

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah. You learn your own value along the way.

[Courtney Miller]

I just wonder, like, what the heck happened with my. The grandparents on my mom's side. Like, they. They. I mean, my grandma married my grandfather at, like, 18, and they stayed together this whole time.

[Sarah Wheeler]

I do think it's just a different time, because back then, there wasn't dating apps. There wasn't the Internet. You know, the prettiest girl in your town was the prettiest girl you've ever seen in your life. Unless it was, like, in a magazine.

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

And you could work one job. Like, one person could work one job and be able to support the whole family. Yeah, that must have been nice.

[Sarah Wheeler]

It's different.

[Courtney Miller]

It's different now, but now we're in the year of 2020, where. Where all is uncertain and. And things are. Things. Things are weird.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Things are intense. It's a very intense.

[Courtney Miller]

And along with. Yeah. And along with that, relationships are intense. You guys submitted some. Some great questions. We're going to jump into it. Are we good to jump into it, or do you guys want to.

[Ian Hecox]

I want to dive.

[Courtney Miller]

Spitball. All right, We're Going to dive in. Smash. Dating advice.

[Ian Hecox]

Love.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Hoohoo.

[Ian Hecox]

Smosh. Love.

[Courtney Miller]

Smosh. Love. Hoo hoos.

[Ian Hecox]

I love Kevin.

[Courtney Miller]

Please make a very complicated so song remix that, please.

[Ian Hecox]

And I want you get DJ Tomi on the beat.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Sarah Wheeler]

We just got many ellipses from Kevin.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Ian Hecox]

Yep. Okay.

[Courtney Miller]

All right.

[Ian Hecox]

I'm very ready.

[Sarah Wheeler]

I know you said it earlier, but let's just blanket statement like this is just advice coming from three relatively normal people, not professionals in any type of relationship giving or therapy or anything. So.

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah, we speak from our experiences.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Exactly. So these are not, you know, we're not demanding you to do anything and we're not forcing you to do anything.

[Ian Hecox]

And if we ruin your relationship, we're sorry.

[Sarah Wheeler]

You shouldn't have trusted us.

[Courtney Miller]

But if you. If we tell you to get a divorce, you should definitely do it.

[Ian Hecox]

Oh, my God.

[Courtney Miller]

Good luck.

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah. Okay, ready? I'm ready. All right, let's swan dive in.

[Courtney Miller]

All right. Whew. This one comes from Zukoyaki. They say I have serious social anxiety and fear of being judged when I decide to look for someone currently not dating. How can I manage those anxieties and fears in order to build a solid relationship?

[Sarah Wheeler]

I can relate to that a lot.

[Ian Hecox]

I'm just like super anxious about dating in general, especially when it's someone I don't know. I say every time that I was able to get past that was being able to take things slow for me also. I know it's hard now, but it's something to just think about in general in life. Group dates are awesome. In the Mormon religion, they're all about group dates when you're young. But it's a very valid thing because there's less pressure is a bunch of people. Even if you're with your friends, you're like, hey, my friends are doing this thing. Do you want to come with us? You can bring your friends and then it's a whole outing. Obviously you can't do that right now unless you're living in a place where everything's good. Congratulations. Wish we were you. But group dates are great because then you also are not only it's less pressure for you and that person, but also like, you get to see how they interact with other people because that can be very telling too. It's hard to really get to know someone when it's just one on one because it's like a hit different.

[Sarah Wheeler]

I think it's really important to get confident within yourself. And obviously, like, we're all work in progress. And I Never was like 100% confident in who I was. But there's parts of me that I really, really enjoy, and there's parts of myself that I love, and that's the. That I like to share. So I think once you have that confidence within yourself, you know, you have a couple of attributes that you really like about yourself that that automatically gives you that confidence that you're not worried about getting judged because you believe in yourself. As, like, corny as that sounds, like you really do have to believe in yourself, because if you are looking for a partner, that partner wants someone that's confident and open and excited about themselves too. So I think it's all about kind of like, it's some self coaching and a lot of self work to know that you got to be your own person and confident in kind of your attributes before you can share it with someone else.

[Courtney Miller]

Sometimes I could be a little bit judgmental of a person both of you.

[Ian Hecox]

Guys like, but I understand that sometimes we do that to protect ourselves too.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. And I just. I don't know, I see certain attributes on people and then I sort of make a judgment on, like, who they are as a person. So what happens is I end up doing that to myself. Like, I'm like, oh, like, these are my interests. But that makes me look this way. So I don't really know if I should be like that open about my. My interests and, you know, whatever it is. And one thing that I've gotten better at is just being more open with, like, who I am and what I enjoy with whoever I'm dating rather than be afraid that I'm going to be judged for who I am, because eventually they're going to find out. And it's. And it's pretty liberating to. To be like, no, this is who I am. This is how I choose to spend my time. This is. These are the things that interest me. And you don't know that that person that you're interested in might also be interested in those things as well, or at least find your interests interesting.

[Sarah Wheeler]

And I will say, like, I like Courtney's point of, like, taking it slow and getting to know each other, because first impressions do count for a lot, but they're not everything. Even Claudio and me, for example. Yeah, my first impression of him, I. It's completely different than who he actually is. And I think he was nervous. I was nervous. We were, you know, flirting and. And stuff like that. So, you know, the first date I went on with him, I was like, I don't know. But he's like, really cute, and he has a nice little accent. So I'll go on another date with him. And, you know, obviously with time, I could only see with time that he's, like, an amazing, wonderful person. And I didn't get that, that first date, because it's a lot of pressure.

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. The group date thing is really interesting, though, because I, for a little bit, I dated somebody that. That grew up in Brazil, and she was like, yeah, we don't do, like, the dating thing. Like, we don't go on dates. It's like a group of friends will, like, meet up and all, like, go out.

[Sarah Wheeler]

That's the same with Italians, too. Yeah, they're like, usually just in a friend group hanging out, and there's no, like, formal date, like, madame, may I ask you out on a dinner? Like, that's just not a thing in those. Those different cultures. It's very Americanized for two people to go on a date.

[Courtney Miller]

So they just all hang out as friends and then, yeah, they just all.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Hang out with friends, and then, yeah, they date for 40 years and then they get married. I don't know.

[Courtney Miller]

This one comes from Nerdy Ginger 101. They said, how do you get over someone? It's been three years since I've even spoken to this guy who was never even into me. It's not like he's an ex. He was a friend who didn't like me back. And yet I still have this idea of him so built up in my mind that it feels impossible to move on. Well, I mean, I guess I would say, like, it's been three years since you've even spoken to him. I'm sure he's. He could very well be a completely different guy. I don't really follow. Why?

[Sarah Wheeler]

Well, it's the idea, right? Because obviously, like, she had very good memories with him if they were friends, and, you know, she developed a crush and, you know, you daydream. So it's those feelings.

[Ian Hecox]

Colored glasses.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Yeah, it's those nice feelings that you go through, and you miss that. Look, I. I believe that you can miss those feelings and you can have those feelings and you can feel that way. But I think also, you know, look at it as a nice point in your life, as a nice little chapter in your book, but write more chapters with different characters with different side characters and main characters.

[Ian Hecox]

That's so true. Like, don't. Like, you're wasting this time on this one person. There could be other people around you who are clearly better options. Because, like, I relate to That. I mean, it's also hard when it doesn't go your way. When obviously he didn't or that person didn't like you back and you're just like, oh, this thing went wrong. And it's not. I can't. I wasn't able to control it and make it work or it didn't go just the way I wanted. And, like, it's hard to let go sometimes when maybe you. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe that person, you were hoping that they saw you in a certain way. And, like, I. I can relate. I had a in. In high school. I was actually starting freshman year. It was like, summer going into freshman year. This boy, him and I literally dated for a week. But I was, like, literally hitting puberty hard. So my hormones and everything. I was like, I love this kid. I love him so much. We literally only hugged and I was like, I love him. And my friend somehow, like, messed it up. Like, I guess she was texting him on my phone and he got mad and broke up with me. Oh, no. I was in my emotions, like, so, like, no, I lost him. He doesn't understand why. Like, we would have worked. We would have worked.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Yeah.

[Ian Hecox]

And I couldn't let go for so long. And, like, if I saw him at future events stuff, I was like, oh, my God, it's him. Honestly, like, my emotional attachment, I honestly just. I'm like, oh, it was my hormones and my puberty and, like, I was very emotionally connected to this person and they simply were not connected to me in that way. I think understanding that you can feel that way for someone and it's possible that it's not mutual and, like, you just gotta let it go. Yeah.

[Sarah Wheeler]

And I think you can make peace with the memory of how positive the feelings were. Because I've had plenty of relationships that broke up, not on bad terms, but just because it just didn't work out. But that doesn't take away the positive moments I had with them and the positive relationship I had with them. I don't talk to them now and I'm not involved with them, obviously, but I think you're allowed to look back on those relationships and go, yeah, that was really fun, but I'm not going to let it close me off or set unrealistic expectations. Expectations for the next thing. Yeah, exactly.

[Courtney Miller]

I think also they know exactly what to do. Like, they, like, they acknowledge that he didn't like her back and that they haven't talked in three years. So.

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah. Sometimes you just gotta hear the truth.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. I think Deep down, I think deep down they already know.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Are there tips and tricks to like, get someone out of your brain? I guess like, you just gotta focus on something else.

[Ian Hecox]

And I understand. I also can understand. It's like, man, I worked so hard and built this thing up inside for so long and now I have to start over with someone else. Cause I remember in high school being like, who's my next crush gonna be? It's hard. It's hard starting over. And that's also the hard thing with like ending an actual relationship is like, wow, I'm back to square one. Just got to get ready. It's a new chapter. Be excited.

[Courtney Miller]

This One comes from Ms. McKenzie. She says, I'm 22 and have never been in a relationship. I have a very specific idea of what I want from a relationship and the type of guy I want to date. I've been told that maybe my expectations are limiting my possibilities. Should I lower my standards or try to be more open minded? Or wait. She's wondering if she should just wait for the perfect guy to come. I mean, look, how, how are you supposed to know what kind of guy you want to date if you've never dated before? Not that I'm saying that you should just rush into a relationship just to try it and see what happens. Like if somebody's a piece of shit. Yeah. Don't give them, don't. Don't enter into a relationship.

[Sarah Wheeler]

I think it depends on the, the specifications that she's looking for. I think if it's like he needs to be 6:2 and athletic and have blonde hair, like, I think, yeah, if you're kidding. Courtney's Hey, I just think if you're going too particular, you, you probably will be disappointed. But if you're looking for someone that's funny and charming and trustworthy, like, obviously those are normal things that everyone is seeking out. As far as like lowering your standards. I think don't always judge someone immediately. That goes back to my point about Claudio. Yeah, the, the dating apps are pretty brutal. When you're like left, right, left, right and deny get, you know, and like trying to approach someone at a bar is also brutal. Sometime if you want to be open to a relationship, if that's something you're ready for, you want that person to also be open and not so cutthroat with you as well. Because it's, it's two. Two sides got to work towards it. So I think if you're giving these, these potential suitors too much of a checklist to that they need to check off. That's not completely fair.

[Courtney Miller]

Also. Also, I feel like I don't. I don't go on a date with the expectation that I'm going to be married to this person for my life. Like, I'm going on a date to get to know the person, and we might not be a good fit, or we might become friends, or there might be something more, but I don't ever go into the expectation that I'm going to meet my perfect soulmate because I don't know the person. So I think you really gotta try dating. Don't date with expectations. Yeah. Maybe you'll find something that you didn't even know was interesting to you.

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah, I will say, like, I. It's interesting because when we had the bad at dating psychic, and he was like, hey, there is no perfect person in a way. Like, imagine if you were dating a guy and. Or like, you met a guy and he was like, I don't like you because you're not quite as short as I want. Or, oh, you don't make the amount of money that I would like. There's just, like, trying to put someone in a box when it's like, hey, this is a whole person. They have a whole life. That's not fair because. And I think it would be healthier to just start with, hey, I feel attraction toward this person, and I'm getting to know them more. And if there are deal breakers, that's fine. But I've been all over the map with dating. Like, I. In high school, I was like, yeah, oh, my God, my dream guy is gonna have chestnut hair and wear flannels. And, like, he's gonna love film. And, like, I even tried to find people on Instagram my age who liked film who looked like that and tried to follow them. I was crazy. I don't fucking know. I think I was just trying to be cool and just be unique. Cause I'm unique. I'm not.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Like, I think you were like Anna Faris in high school. You're like, ooh, I just want.

[Ian Hecox]

Ooh, Chestnut.

[Courtney Miller]

I think also you bring up a good point. Courtney is like, don't be afraid to change your expectations.

[Ian Hecox]

You don't know what you want. Truly.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Well, for me, I mean, obviously, there are some deal breakers. Like, some people really, if they're a certain religion, they really, really want a partner in that religion. I think that's completely understandable. Politics. Like, if you want someone who aligns with you politically, that's completely understandable. But I think all the other Things that aren't like, super deal breakers. Like, they are flexible, and you'd never know until they're flexible, until you meet that person. For me, I am Christian. I. I am Christian. And I always thought I would have a Christian husband, but that was never a deal breaker for me because it was like, at the end of the day, I want a husband that's a good person and that shares that. The same values that I'm learning through Christianity as me. And Claudio isn't Christian, but he shares the same family values, the same morals. We. We will have the same conversation with different context. So at the end of the day, that wasn't a deal breaker for me because I saw him so much more than just this one thing.

[Ian Hecox]

And at the end of the day, you're 20 too. You have time to just experience things and. And say yes to life a little bit in terms of, like, meeting guys or whoever it is you want to date and like. For me, when I was younger, I would. If I just found out a guy liked me, I was like, I like them too. And I just wanted to date that because I just wanted to be liked. I wanted the validation because that was where I was at mentally. But in. Through that and in meeting people, you're like, oh, I've actually experienced a relationship with a human being and I've found things that I do like and don't like, but. Because having a stencil before you've actually started will make things just harder for yourself.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Yes, I agree.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, I guess. I guess rather than looking at his standards, maybe look at it as self respect or values.

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah. Don't settle too hard.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. Yeah. You should know what hurts you and what. And what helps you.

[Sarah Wheeler]

What helped me with my anxiety and worrying about being judged on a date was I don't look at it as going in to meet the one or even a sexual partner or even a relationship. I'm just literally meeting a new person that's outside my bubble. And then you figure out from there if it's romantic or platonic or if there's nothing there and you just had like an hour and a half with someone that's not in your bubble, I think that takes a lot of pressure off. And if she's 22 and she's wanting to date and she can't find that perfect person to go on a date with, like, you should go on some dates that maybe you're not feeling it completely so that you can practice, too, to get to know someone. And maybe even during that, you find Something that you really enjoy.

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah, because I'll tell you, by trying to find the guy in my dreams on Instagram, I was single hopelessly for years. Next question.

[Courtney Miller]

All right, next slide.

[Ian Hecox]

Next slay.

[Courtney Miller]

This one comes from Dstar952. My fiance and I were supposed to get married in June, but due to the pandemic, that didn't happen. I want to do something extra romantic to make the wait worth it. Any advice for things I could do?

[Ian Hecox]

Here's my thing. I feel like I want to normalize the engagement, being a more in its own stage. You know, I feel like it's such a cute stage that kind of gets glazed over because it's like, oh, we're about to be this thing. But it's like. It's more so like, no, this is just, like, another level of the relationship. You guys are truly committed to each other and just enjoying the engagement for what it is. I obviously can't speak from experience, but that's just my romantic idea of, like, you guys should. It's just like an exciting chapter that you can just sit in comfortably if you wanted.

[Sarah Wheeler]

But I. Yeah, I completely agree. I completely agree. Like, being engaged is really fun. Even, like, using the word fiance. You feel, like, super dorky, but you're like, fiance. Like, it's fun. And, you know, I always really, really wanted a super long engagement, too, because, you know, I don't want to rush things, and I want to enjoy that. But I think Claudio and I got married at the same time. Obviously, there are some things because he's not a citizen that we had to expedite. And, you know, my family really wanted a wedding, so we got married at the right time. The pandemic. I know a lot of people that were getting married and had to either postpone or change their plans. I had a friend through Twitter. She got married a couple months ago during the pandemic, and she's Indian, and she was going to have this huge Indian wedding because they love those beautiful, ornate weddings. And obviously she had to change her plans. So what she did is she did a very intimate ceremony with her parents, and then she had, like, hundreds of people on a zoom call, and she loved it. She was very happy from what I can tell from that experience. And that's not for everyone. But I think it's important to stay flexible, because as a society, we put a lot of pressure on that wedding day, and I felt it on my wedding day. And I was a person that I didn't love completely during that time because it Was incredibly stressful. It was in Italy. I had flown my small family over and I was coordinating all my family and friends in a foreign country to make sure that they were okay.

[Ian Hecox]

It was not very glamorous.

[Courtney Miller]

And you're probably like on this like, stupid diet to try to like, get down for the.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Well, I had like done it all before I went because I actually, like. I actually, you know, despite eating all the amazing Italian food, don't really gain weight when I go to Italy. So I was feeling fine, but it was just all very, very stressful. And I didn't, you know, I wouldn't say I was full bridezilla, but I had moments where I was like, too many things to coordinate, you guys.

[Courtney Miller]

I think just like, I think like, no matter how small or big the wedding is, it's going to be stressful for anyone. I think anyone that's, you know, part of the party.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Yeah. And I think the important thing to focus at the wedding is why are you there?

[Ian Hecox]

Why?

[Sarah Wheeler]

What are you celebrating? And what is it really about? And then cut all the other. That is like, I didn't care about cake flavors and. Or like courses and like the flowers. We were just like, make it rainbow. I just want rainbow flowers. And they were like, okay. And it was like a beautiful, perfect wedding. And it's. Cause I focused on. I'm so excited to marry Kaglio in front of our friends. And even the photographer was like, you're the most chill bride I've ever seen. I was doing my bridesmaids makeup, I was doing my mother's makeup. And it was. Cause I was confident. I was confident in what I was doing there. I was focused on the mission of getting married and having a good time. And if that person wants advice for little particular things, like Claudio sent me flowers of the morning of the wedding in a little note. And I had someone make a little gift. It was cake toppers of our two cats, tartufo and puppy, dressed as us to put on the cake for him to open. And we did first looks so that we could just have a private moment before the ceremony to just see each other and enjoy the moment. So I think you just find what little moment you think would be sweet for each other that's like that. And you don't need a big ass wedding. You don't. If you want that. Sure.

[Courtney Miller]

Save that money for your honeymoon.

[Ian Hecox]

I will say my sister Kat, she got engaged like I think end of last year or something. And she was like, hey, yeah, we're gonna get married in May. In Europe while we're in our tournament because they compete in sword and shield fighting.

[Sarah Wheeler]

So cool.

[Ian Hecox]

And I was just casual. And obviously the quarantine stuff happened, so they couldn't do it. And then without telling family, she just, like, went and did it fully, legally, everything. And then had, like, their own sweet little, like, medieval style.

[Courtney Miller]

She had an elf marry them. A dwarf walked up the ring.

[Ian Hecox]

Medicine mask.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Ian Hecox]

And her husband now was wearing, like, all furs and she had, like, a flower crown.

[Sarah Wheeler]

And so cool.

[Ian Hecox]

Their hands were tied together in, like, light up little twinkly string. It was. And the photos are so beautiful. And ultimately just do within. Just do whatever. I can't even tell if the question is, like, if you just want to do something to hold us over before we really get married or just do something now the best way we can. But I also think there's no shame in waiting. If you really, really want to have that big thing, it'll be worth it.

[Sarah Wheeler]

It is what you make it. And it's the thought that counts. So do what you guys think is romantic.

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

This next one comes from Double Dare Me. How do you know when it's okay to use the L word? I've been with my girlfriend for almost four months, but I don't want to freak her out.

[Ian Hecox]

Okay, I. I have an excellent answer for this.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Oh, okay.

[Ian Hecox]

Because I say, obviously, wait till you know you're sure. And it's always better to be more sure than not quite sure. Not quite for anything in life, honestly. I say go for it when you know you're ready. And when you do it, say, I love you. You don't have to say it back. I just want you to know that that's how I feel about you. And I don't want you to say it back unless, you know that's how you feel about me. And if they're not quite ready, that's okay. They. If either they will be or it's a good thing you guys figured that out before it was way, way too late, you know? And I can say that from experience, and it was a very positive thing.

[Courtney Miller]

Sweet. The L word isn't lesbians.

[Ian Hecox]

I'm in lesbians with you.

[Courtney Miller]

Sorry. I love Scott Pilgrim. Oh, you mean nice, Courtney. For the listeners that just pulled out.

[Ian Hecox]

A Scott Pilgrim book Out of my ass.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Nice.

[Courtney Miller]

Out of thin fricking air. I think it's more of a feeling. I think it can be fluid. I don't think it's so much of a commitment to say that to somebody if you feel it, then you should say it. You don't have to expect. Expect them to say it back.

[Sarah Wheeler]

I think you can't expect them to say it back.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, that takes time to, like, be okay with saying it and not having the person go, oh, I love you too.

[Ian Hecox]

Like, because it's.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. And. And it's fluid. Like, saying I love you is not. Is not a will you marry me? It's just. It's a feeling, and it's nice to say it. It feels nice to say it.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Yeah. But I think you should always, like, fully as. As fully as you believe love means to you, you should fully believe it. Because even growing up, I never was someone that was, like, even to my friends, like, I love you. Like, I felt like that that was such a powerful word that it shouldn't be thrown around here and there. It's funny because the first time I told Claudio I loved him, it was like, on accident, like, most. Most like, levels to our relationship. But, like, I think he was, like, making a joke, and I just went like, oh, I love you. And then I was like, but wait, wait, no, but wait, that's not okay.

[Ian Hecox]

But not like that.

[Courtney Miller]

I think I've done that too. Which is like, shit. Yeah, I said it. So here we go.

[Sarah Wheeler]

You know, don't pressure yourself to be like, by this date. I need to say it. It's like, feel the moment. And if you really feel like you want to express that, go ahead.

[Courtney Miller]

Maybe throw out a feeler and be like, I'm in, like, with you. Like, really, really hardcore.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Like, I do.

[Courtney Miller]

I like super like you.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Yeah, I do. I like you.

[Ian Hecox]

Movies also, and TV put so much pressure of, like, you said it. Big mistake. Like, it's. It's. It's really case by case, so.

[Courtney Miller]

And you're not bound to them for eternity.

[Sarah Wheeler]

No, no, no, no.

[Courtney Miller]

Here we go. On to the next one. Diddly Namjoon says. Yeah, says, if you're already best friends and then start dating, how much is your relationship going to. To change? And they put in print, they put in parentheses, this being if both parties have mutual feelings.

[Sarah Wheeler]

I don't think I've ever, like, dated a friend.

[Ian Hecox]

I have a couple times in my life. It's sometimes. Okay. So I'll speak from my experience in high school, I had this best friend. He's awesome. I'll just name it. His name is Ashwin. We were best friends in high school. And then senior year, I realized that I was like, oh, my gosh. I think I love him. And the feelings Were surprisingly mutual. So we started dating. It was very, like, cute and new and, like, we'd kiss and stuff. And then a month or so later, I was like, wait, this is not what I want for a relationship. Like, I was wrong. So I had to end things. But since we were such good friends and he was such a good person, we still went to prom together. We still, like, hung out at the graduation and stuff like that. Like, we still. We haven't talked in a while, but, like, things are still positive. Even though, like, I made the mistake. He was hurt at first, but ultimately we got over it because what was more important was that we had each other in our lives, so that was the best case scenario of it not working out. But I've also had instances where it's like, oh, we tried, okay. And now we don't talk anymore. But eventually you get over it.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Is it, like, awkward? Is it, like. Like, the first. First kiss is, like, awkward and, like, what's that like?

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. Does it feel like you're kissing your brother?

[Ian Hecox]

Not quite, buddy. I don't know.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Let me go kiss my brother and find out.

[Ian Hecox]

It was, like, in high school, it was like, such a shock of, like, oh, my God. Like, that same feeling.

[Courtney Miller]

How do you make the move? How do you make the move?

[Sarah Wheeler]

You film it for TikTok. You go, we've been best friends for three years. I'm gonna make a move right now.

[Ian Hecox]

I don't know. I think it was, like, after we decided to, like, go see a movie or something. I don't remember where it was, but, oh, my gosh. I remember if we'd kiss goodbye at school. It was, like, so much electricity was so shocking because it was this guy. I think for me, it's like he was a friend, and I trusted him as a person. So when you're trusting this person and love them as a person, and then now you get to be, like, physically attracted to them, it's like this whole other experience. But I also obviously, was very lucky because there are people where they. They try it out and they're like, oh, goodness, no.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Yeah.

[Ian Hecox]

Oh, this is not working.

[Courtney Miller]

A friend of mine went on a few dates with this guy, and she wasn't. She wasn't, like, a big fan of it. And then they were friends for, like, years, and then they got together, and they've been together for, like, five years.

[Sarah Wheeler]

That's so cool.

[Courtney Miller]

So it's like, I think it can change.

[Ian Hecox]

I think.

[Sarah Wheeler]

I think also timing.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Like, yeah, I think timing in life.

[Courtney Miller]

But it's so funny because. Because she was. When they went on a few dates, she was like, nah, nah, I don't. I don't really like them like that. And time went on and. And then I don't know. Yeah, I mean, obviously. Yeah, your relationship's going to change. If you were best friends and then you start dating, I mean, you can't really worry about it. Just, you know, just keep the communication very open.

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah, that's what I was going to say. You definitely, like, be clear on communication, on feelings, and. And what's really important is, like. Like, if you guys just want each other in your lives no matter what, then if you guys tried to date and it didn't work, then it can still be okay. Or if it does work, then it was worth it and it's great.

[Sarah Wheeler]

I think it's. Yeah. Just being honest with yourself and each other.

[Ian Hecox]

Have the adult conversation.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Yeah, have the adult, like, really communicate about it. Is it working? Is it not? Should we go back? Are you gonna be too hurt? Like, it's. It's intense, but it could be very rewarding. Or at least you're finding out if that works or not for you too.

[Courtney Miller]

And speaking of communication, this next question from Midnight Snack. What do you do when you know your significant other is lying but you don't like? Confrontation seems to be my constant struggle.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Why are they lying?

[Ian Hecox]

Dude.

[Courtney Miller]

Yikes.

[Ian Hecox]

Dude. Okay, you know what? I'll. I will hop in. In a little story time of an ex, one day I found a pair of underwear that was not mine in their apartment. I think I've told this story, story. And I was like. And they're like pink zebra lace, too. And I was like. And he was like, oh, my. My sisters. Those are my sisters.

[Courtney Miller]

It's my sister's sexy panties.

[Ian Hecox]

Because he, like, does laundry at his mom's house sometimes. But then I was with her sister another time, and I was like. Or with his sister. And I was like, oh, good. This is your underwear.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Oh, good.

[Ian Hecox]

No, this is not my underwear. My boyfriend at the time was in the other room, and I said, hey, these aren't her underwear. And he said, they're my mom's or something. I don't know. And I just. I just. Just. I think I just, like, spaced out. I was like, okay. Because, like, I want to just trust and believe this person.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Yeah, I've never found underwear, but I've been in a similar situation where you fully believe that you're in the right and that person somehow, like, convinces you that you're acting crazy. Or you're being unreasonable. I've been in those positions, and it's tough to stand your ground, but I think sometimes you just gotta. You hate confrontation, unfortunately. I mean, I used to be the same when I was younger. I would never want to confront anyone. But confrontation is a part of life, and you really need to learn how to respectfully bring things up.

[Courtney Miller]

And it's also a source of growth. Like, if. As long as it's not, like, a violent confrontation and it's not just screaming like. Like you need to have these uncomfortable conversations if you want to grow.

[Ian Hecox]

It's important to see how that person reacts in confronting situations, because if you're gonna be with them for a long time, it's important to know those things and be aware of how they are.

[Sarah Wheeler]

I think if you feel like you're constantly having to call out, or even if you. You see moments where your significant other is lying, that's a big red flag.

[Ian Hecox]

I'll say. I think one way to go about it is if you guys are together, it's never gonna feel like, okay, this is the perfect time to bring it up. You just gotta be like, hey, okay, so this thing is just not sitting right with me. I have to ask just so that I know, I'm sure, because my mind won't rest with this thing that you're telling me, and I need to talk about it more. And if that person gets upset, you're seeing how they react. And if they start gaslighting, like, pay attention to how they are acting. And if it's something, yes, they were lying. You and I think you should know these things going into it. If you find out, yes, they were lying, how are you prepared to react? How do you want to deal with that? And if you guys are able to work through it and everything's fine after, then it's really good. You guys talked about that can be a growing moment for you guys. And also if it's like you guys have improved your communication, you find out, oh, they weren't lying, then you guys are better communicating in that way.

[Courtney Miller]

Also, if you just don't trust your significant other, then that's. That's a sign of a bigger problem. Yeah, like what. What have they done that's. That's broken your trust of this person? And once you've broken that trust, it's so hard to get it back. I think you really need to have a very serious conversation about this. But then again, I'm just a dummy. All right, this next one comes from. Is the fangirl Girl, this person said, how do you date during COVID when you can't go anywhere?

[Sarah Wheeler]

Ian?

[Courtney Miller]

Well, there's a. There's a couple things you could do. I mean, video dates are easy. It's tough. I haven't, I haven't done it a whole lot. But meeting the person outdoors socially distanced is also, I think. Okay.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Yeah, I had a friend, she, like, FaceTimed timed with this guy a lot. And eventually they got to a point where they wanted to, like, kind of meet. And so what they did is that they met at a park and then they went and they, they were wearing masks and they went and picked up some to go food and then they had a little picnic.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, I think that's great.

[Sarah Wheeler]

And they're going on hikes and stuff like that kind of, like, outdoorsy stuff.

[Ian Hecox]

That's so cute.

[Sarah Wheeler]

And yeah, it's, it's kind of refreshing because you're kind of like, like taking the sexual parts out of dating so you actually get to, like, know them a little better.

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Before you get into the snuggling and the kissing.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, baby. And also it's a good, it's just a good excuse to actually, like, get outside and see nature and see birds and shit. My default was always, like, date at a. Go on a date at a bar or, you know, somewhere, like at a restaurant or somewhere indoors. Like, my default's usually indoors. So this has been, this has been actually a pretty fun puzzle, I guess, trying to figure out ways to. Ways to date outdoors. Maybe go on a kayak or something.

[Ian Hecox]

My best friend was going to a different high school, and then she had this guy friend that I somehow became friends with, and I only knew him through video chat all the time. We would video chat for hours. And like, I totally grew to have a crush on this guy. So I don't doubt that if you wanted to really pursue FaceTime dates, there can be chemistry that grows there. It's not impossible. If you want as safe as possible.

[Courtney Miller]

I'm sure video chat is, is harder than just being face to face with the person. There is something that is lost there.

[Ian Hecox]

Absolutely.

[Courtney Miller]

But it is better than texting. Texting. There's so much lost.

[Sarah Wheeler]

I think, actually, I mean, the positive, the silver lining of that is that you're learning how best that person communicates. Because some people prefer over the phone and some people prefer facetime and some people prefer texting.

[Courtney Miller]

It forces you to be creative, I think. I think that's also a good thing. Like, rather than go to your sort of Default. Like, it forces you to try to think a little harder about how you want to plan a date, which is kind of fun. This one comes from part three, Frank. They say I'm pansexual, giving me more options, but I'm still single. What do.

[Ian Hecox]

That's a tough one. It is. Because I. As you guys know, I'm pansexual, which I will say I misspoke on the. On the. The Pride episode. Sorry, gang. I'm just going to clarify something. I explained what bisexual versus pansexual was, but I explained it from a very specific perspective.

[Sarah Wheeler]

So to the.

[Ian Hecox]

To the bi and pan people who are listening and felt that they were misconstrued, I'm really sorry, because I definitely came from a. As a CIS white female, if I were bisexual, this is what I would do. But if I was pansexual, which is so limiting, and they're like, the gender, everything's so fluid, and it's a whole spectrum. So I apologize, and I'm gonna get better about educating myself on that. But I understand, because as for the question, because there was a long period of time where I was just scared to get out there and experience newness of, like, okay, I know that I'm attracted to other genders, but I never put myself in the environment to actually, like, try it out. And especially in quarantine, I know it's hard.

[Courtney Miller]

I think the idea of, like, well, I'm pansexual, so that gives me more options is kind of a fallacy. You have a lot of options regardless of your sexual orientation. There's a lot of people out there. There's a lot of different types of people. So I would say don't put the pressure on yourself. Don't put more pressure.

[Ian Hecox]

More complicated, though, because especially when I don't know if they've. If they've never experienced, say, say if this person is pansexual and they've been dating men their whole life, and now they're like, now there's this whole other arena of women that I now might be attracted to. I have a clear idea of the kind of guy I like, but I have no idea based on experience. It's like being a middle school girl again, where I'm like, I've never even kissed a person. Like, I've never done all these things. I'm, like a virgin again. So it's. It's scary. But I have through, like, the Internet and, like, social media and seeing, like, whoa, this person is attractive to me. Ooh, I like that this person has this. So you can at least have a general idea of like what in a person you find attractive. So I say take those opportunities when you can to interact with people and, and just explore your inward of like, what do I like? Yeah, and it'll help you.

[Sarah Wheeler]

And I think just remaining open because it's like that now that, that you know, you've discovered that you're pansexual and you've really, you know, you're, you're in that mode. Like you do have a lot of options, but there is a learning curve to see what you're attracted to, who you're attracted to, why. And yeah, I think it's all about being open to the possibilities. Like, that's so cool.

[Ian Hecox]

And there's so many other veins of it too where people will be like, I'm bisexual, but I'm only emotionally attracted to females and only sexually attracted to males. Like there is a whole, there is so many veins within that main path.

[Courtney Miller]

So don't put the pressure on yourself because you think you have more options than other people do. You're in the, you're in the same boat as the rest of us. We're all hunting down, we're all looking for, we're all trying to figure out, yeah, this one comes from Addam Up.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Boy, I love these names.

[Courtney Miller]

These are great names.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

They asked, do you think our constant search for the one actually hurts our ability to have a meaningful relationship?

[Sarah Wheeler]

So I actually don't believe that there's the one. I don't believe that. And I'm a married person. I believe there are many ones and some might be better than others. So I think, like, if I think about my past and my dating there, there are probably a couple of people that I could have gotten married to. Some would be more successful than others. It's all, you know, depending on the person who I ended up with. So I think to go into the dating world and try to search for the one is kind of like so open ended and difficult to put that pressure on yourself. It's just not healthy. I don't think so. I think there can be many ones because if you do just focus. If I just focused on dating this person and I was like, okay, A through Y are good, but X and Z and W fit perfectly. But the one would. I don't think that's completely realistic to go into a relationship.

[Ian Hecox]

Like, I just think scientifically there's just like too many people in this world that there's like, I don't know Just seems.

[Courtney Miller]

Well, you also can't just speak scientifically because there is no science to a relationship. Right?

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah. But like, if that person's DNA and their genetic makeup and their psychological makeup up is perfectly for you, like, there's too many people on this planet to make that seem like.

[Courtney Miller]

So, you know, I think, I think, yeah, there. I, I agree. There's not, there's not a. The, It's a spiritual thing, but, but also, like, it's. I think it's okay if the, if the person isn't everything you could possibly ever want forever. It's okay to compromise in some areas. Like, obviously, obviously I'm not saying stay with somebody if they, if they're hurting you, it's okay if it's, if it's not perfect, if it's not the Prince Charming, like, they can have some, some flaws. I think you should allow for some flaws because they will have. There's no perfect person. Maybe there's. Maybe there's multiple. The ones at the same time. If you're poly. I don't know. Just throwing it out there.

[Sarah Wheeler]

I do. And that doesn't mean that I, I mean, I don't want to say, like, you can't find a soul mate or anything like that. I'm not, I'm not. Because I still very much believe in the romantic aspect of finding a soulmate and a partner to build your life on. But it isn't a Disney fairy tale where you marry the prince and everything's magical and wonderful. It's a relationship, obviously, like, you can't.

[Ian Hecox]

Even if there is a soulmate, I don't think that there's any way of being like, ah, we are perfect for each other right now and we are going to stay perfect for each other for the rest of our lives. I think the best relationships involve growing together and teaching each other values and learning from each other and like, hey, like, I want my person, like, my significant other makes me want to be better. And so thus I'm being a better person. Because of abc, there's no finding the perfect person. There's finding someone and you guys creating something as close to perfect together.

[Sarah Wheeler]

And.

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah.

[Sarah Wheeler]

And I think if you're searching for the one to get married, I think, like, marriage is a big, like, hurdle to climb. And it's a hurdle that is going to last decades, you know, you hope. But I also think, like, it relies on the two people growing because you're going to grow and change over time. It relies on those two people growing together. Not. I'm I'm not saying each step they're taking the same step, but you're in a journey together going forward. So it's really you. And you know, you want to focus on that relationship. If it so happens that you are in a marriage or in a relationship where two people are growing in different areas and growing in different ways, that's something that can totally realistically happen. Someone who I love and cherish right now, and I'm married to right now, could turn to be an in 5 years. Can I control the fact that he turned into an in five years? I cannot control that. So I think it's like, it's. It's a relationship and marriage is like as good as you feed it, like, as good as you get into it. And you are kind of giving yourself a challenge by forcing you two to grow together over decades and decades and hoping for the best. Obviously, I will say like, and if.

[Ian Hecox]

Even if there is a soulmate, also.

[Courtney Miller]

I want to know if. I want to know if Claudio is just sitting in the other room going, very true, very true.

[Sarah Wheeler]

He's conversation.

[Ian Hecox]

So he probably. Yeah, I figured that. I will say, like, you shouldn't especially. And things can be hard, okay, because if you're, if you're pansexual or bisexual and you know that there's a soulmate out there, are you gonna have an idea of what that soulmate is? Does that mean that you have a clear idea of which or what gender you want to be with? In which case, I do think it's harder for someone who's attracted to multiple genders, because if you walk into a room as a straight white male, you're like, ah, look at all these women. Odds are they're straight.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Great.

[Ian Hecox]

I maybe have a chance with these women. Whereas, say, a single pansexual person enters a room, ah, every gender. And also, I don't know if they're attracted to me or my gender. It's gonna be that much harder. And I think even if there is a soulmate, I think just going into the world open minded will help you find that person instead of, like we said our answered earlier, like having a stencil or a box of a person that you're looking for.

[Courtney Miller]

Also I think you, you might have a better idea of if they're the one maybe a year or two into your relationship. If, if they're willing to make the, the sort of, you know, difficult decisions and, and sacrifice for you to make the relationship work. I think that's a better sign of the one than the first six months of the relationship where everything is like, wow, this is amazing. You're perfect. You are my.

[Sarah Wheeler]

For me, like a turning point in the relationship where, where it's like really shows a person's color. True colors is how they react when you're mourning and how they react when they're mourning. I think that is really because those are the times that you really want a partner that's on the same wavelength as you.

[Courtney Miller]

I agree.

[Ian Hecox]

Agreeable.

[Courtney Miller]

So now we're going to go to the lightning lightning round. So we're gonna, we're gonna blast through some of these pretty quickly. Here we go. Hakuna matata. Underscore56 asks, how many years is too many when it comes to age gaps? Ooh, baby. Well, I think that depends on what kind of ages you're talking about. If you're Dane Cook being a 40 year old man dating a 19 year old, yeah, that's a little weird. But it seems to work out for them. So what do I know?

[Ian Hecox]

Case by case answers. Also, sometimes you're in different chapters of your life. So remember that if you're 20, you might be different in five years and that person who's older might not appreciate that. Think about that.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Agreeable.

[Courtney Miller]

All right, Ms. Claudia, CG asks what are some tips you would give people, especially young women trying to safely navigate dating and apps?

[Sarah Wheeler]

Don't go on a date if you feel unsafe.

[Ian Hecox]

Don't do anything you're not ready to do. Yeah. Don't move to texting before you're ready to move to texting.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Stay in public places if you're worried about that.

[Ian Hecox]

On Group dates are also a possible thing of say, hey, my friends are doing this thing. Bring your friends. It's a safe option.

[Courtney Miller]

Leave a lot of personal data out of your bio. Yes. Lady Pharaoh asked how to keep your parents from asking about why you're singing. Say shut the fuck up. You're not my mom.

[Ian Hecox]

This is in 1955. I have my own life to live.

[Sarah Wheeler]

One of those.

[Courtney Miller]

Dusty Lelei asked, how long will carbon dating continue to be an effective method? Is it as reliable as they say or is there something else out there waiting for us to date?

[Sarah Wheeler]

What's carpet dating? Dating.

[Ian Hecox]

Wrong kind of dating. That's technically how old dirt is. We gotta move on.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, that's dino dirt. We don't talk about dino dirt here. TheVictorious VM asks, Do you think meet cutes are still a thing in the world of online dating and hookups?

[Ian Hecox]

I've experienced them and yes I'd say.

[Courtney Miller]

Just start dropping things on the ground and see what kind of hot.

[Ian Hecox]

That's not a.

[Sarah Wheeler]

That's a slam.

[Ian Hecox]

That's premeditated meat.

[Courtney Miller]

Cute. Grease up your hands and carry something heavy and wait for love to find you.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Claudio dropped off a pizza at my table. That was our meat. Cute.

[Courtney Miller]

All right. T1 Mamlet asks, what are the most important traits in a significant other in your opinion?

[Sarah Wheeler]

Trustworthy, Funny.

[Ian Hecox]

Emotionally available.

[Courtney Miller]

Giving big swinging titties.

[Sarah Wheeler]

No, Ian.

[Ian Hecox]

Swinging.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Swinging.

[Courtney Miller]

The ability to communicate all feelings and thoughts.

[Sarah Wheeler]

And gives good back rubs.

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Wait, back rubs or back scratches.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Down. Physical activities.

[Courtney Miller]

Okay. All right. Thinking I should ask. She says she wants yummy fried chicken. She offers to drive. She pulls up to a KFC with a Popeyes across the street. How do you tell her it's not going to work?

[Sarah Wheeler]

You tell her it's not gonna work.

[Ian Hecox]

It's deal break.

[Courtney Miller]

Of all the fried chicken.

[Sarah Wheeler]

God, KFC is horrible, bro.

[Courtney Miller]

It's not gonna work. And that person should. They said to the gulab, no, educate them.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Educate. Maybe they haven't been to other fried chicken places.

[Courtney Miller]

Take them to a mom and pop place. Or take Korean fried chicken.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Experience.

[Ian Hecox]

Oh my God. Yes.

[Sarah Wheeler]

With the radishes. Oh my God.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, boy. And last but not least, or possibly least because I haven't read this yet, the turtle KMG asked, is it even necessary to date if all your homies are basically your significant than others because of how close y'all are? Asking for a friend. Are you all of your friends?

[Ian Hecox]

I don't understand is you are love your homies. But that's okay. You can bring a chick into the mix or whatever you're attracted to, but you do you.

[Sarah Wheeler]

You do you. If you don't want that, you. If you don't want a significant other, you don't have to.

[Ian Hecox]

If you're happy with your boys, yeah, you're happy with your boys. But also I will say as a girl girlfriend, it's really sweet when you see how close your boyfriend is with their friends. It's. And also if they're welcoming to that significant other. Oh my God. It's a lovely time. Make the family bigger.

[Sarah Wheeler]

But also normalize people not getting married and not getting in a significant relationship. If they don't want to, they don't want to.

[Courtney Miller]

Those are some facts. Those are some cold, hard lightning facts. Boom. And guys, guys, that was the end of the lightning round. Thank you so much for playing. You win nothing. Alright, well, how do you guys feel.

[Ian Hecox]

After all those questions? Did you Reflect on your own situations a little bit.

[Courtney Miller]

You bet I did.

[Sarah Wheeler]

No, I feel good. Claudio. Claudio, how do you feel?

[Ian Hecox]

Very good.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Very good, Claudio.

[Courtney Miller]

Approved.

[Ian Hecox]

I love him.

[Courtney Miller]

Well, let's finish this. This off with a good old shoot, though.

[Ian Hecox]

Shoot, dude. Shoot, dude.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Shoot, dude.

[Ian Hecox]

Shoot, dude.

[Courtney Miller]

Shoot, dude. This one comes from Nicole. This absolute shoot, dude happened a couple of years ago. My best friend and I were going to a friend's baby shower. I hadn't had my license that long, but I was driving us to the shower and got a little lost as the directions on the invitation were absolute garbage, and I didn't know the area that well. When we finally arrived at the shower, we were greeted by a family member of this friend. I said, sorry, we're late. I don't know who wrote the directions for this, but they were absolutely horrible. The family member looked me dead in the face and said, I wrote the directions.

[Sarah Wheeler]

I saw it coming. Shoot, dude.

[Courtney Miller]

I tried to laugh it off, but they were clearly not amused and went to our friend saying how rude we were. Needless to say, we didn't stay at the shower very long. Shoot, dude.

[Sarah Wheeler]

Oh, no, dude.

[Ian Hecox]

That's a shoe, dude. But also, she needed to hear it.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah, I've. I've. I've definitely been in those situations where, yeah, I. I talked, like, a little bit of.

[Ian Hecox]

It's just my luck.

[Sarah Wheeler]

And then always it's to the person.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. Or maybe not to the person, but then the other person very quickly found out, and I'm like, yeah, I didn't really need to say that.

[Ian Hecox]

I always had a bad habit. Whenever we were filming at houses that we were just renting for the day, I'd be like, whoa, this house is weird. And then the owner's right. Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Yep. I'm always like, yeah. I'm always super afraid of saying anything negative about a house we're shooting in because of that reason. Because I don't. I mean, I figured the owner's there somewhere.

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah. You always need to look in each other's eyes of like, I want to say something, but I'm not going to say something.

[Courtney Miller]

Yeah. And I was like, try to. Even if the house is, like, hideous. I'm like, this is like, this is a really cool house. I like your house. Good job.

[Ian Hecox]

That person also is just a negative person. They weren't able to be like, oh, I wrote them. I'm sorry. Like, couldn't even, like, keep it a positive thing. They didn't even look inward for a second. They just went. I'm guessing this was like, they're rude.

[Courtney Miller]

I'm guessing this was a boomer. And rather than just give the address, they gave out that super long list of. So you pass after the highway, you're going to pass three intersections, then you're going to go past the cowgate and then take a left down a dirt road. Like, I've had the longest directions from somebody. And then it was much better for me to just go on Google and just put in the address. I'm like, no, Google told me exactly where to go. They're like, yeah, no, Google gets it wrong all the time. It's like, no, no, it's right. Anyway, yeah. Well, thank you guys so much. Oh, by the way, please submit your Shoot Dudes to Shoot Dude. That's S h o o d Snope. Nope. S h o o T D o o D Mosh dot com. And that concludes today's dating advice. Thank you, Courtney Milar. Thank you, Sara.

[Sarah Wheeler]

No problem.

[Courtney Miller]

This has been very illuminating. I'm gonna go sit silently in a room and ruminate on all the things we have learned today. What's ruminate like to think about something, think back on things, about all the mistakes that I've. Sit in a room in my relationships and. And come out a better person. All right. Yeah, that's right, guys. Tune in every. Every Wednesday for uncensored audio on all the podcasting platforms. Forms. Tune in Every Friday on YouTube for our censored video. But you get to see our faces.

[Ian Hecox]

So it's a smash.cash YouTube.

[Courtney Miller]

You might as well just do both of it. Yes, exactly.

[Ian Hecox]

Subscribe to the smash cast channel.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, yeah, subscribe and please rate us five stars on your podcasting app that you listen to so. So other people can learn.

[Ian Hecox]

Yeah.

[Courtney Miller]

Our great advice.

[Ian Hecox]

I feel like the true favorite fans listen to our podcasts. It's like if they really, really want to get to the nitty gritty and they want to know us as people, they listen to the smosh cast. You know what I'm saying?

[Courtney Miller]

So I don't want to exclude our wonderful people that like to watch things with their eyeballs.

[Ian Hecox]

No, no. I mean, no. She's saying in general, consuming. Consuming the podcast in general.

[Sarah Wheeler]

That's next level.

[Ian Hecox]

Real fans. Get down.

[Courtney Miller]

Oh, the real pods. The real ones.

[Ian Hecox]

The real a week.

[Sarah Wheeler]

The only fans.

[Courtney Miller]

Exactly. And I guess I'll announce today I'm starting only fans. Just show my belly button. All right. Okay. Bye.

[Ian Hecox]

Love you. Bye. Love you, Sarah.