S2: #88 - The One About Friendship (that's a Friends reference, get it?)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Smosh Mouth – S2: #88 - The One About Friendship

Release Date: November 11, 2020

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Introduction

In episode #88 of Smosh Mouth, the hosts delve deep into the multifaceted topic of friendship. Courtney, Olivia, Jackie, and Keith engage in heartfelt discussions, sharing personal experiences and insights on maintaining, evolving, and sometimes ending friendships. The conversation navigates through the complexities of growing apart, handling toxic relationships, understanding love languages, and fostering deep, meaningful connections.

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1. Navigating Growing Apart in Friendships

Timestamp: [05:47]

The episode kicks off with a listener question from ill will 2003 about knowing when it's time to move on from a friend who has grown apart. The hosts explore the natural evolution of friendships, emphasizing that it's a common and healthy part of life.

• Jackie: "There are friends that are only met for a certain period of time or a certain period of your life... there are people that you move through. You just continue to move through life. And, like, not everyone goes with you." [06:49]

• Courtney: Highlights the importance of recognizing when memories are valuable but the friendship no longer aligns with one's current self, advising to assess the positive impact on one's life versus the desire to remain part of the friend's.

• Olivia: Shares her perspective on core values maintaining friendships despite different life paths. "If their core values are still the same, I'm still going to love them the same way because that stuff is consistent." [07:16]

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2. Recognizing When to End a Friendship

Timestamp: [05:47] to [12:15]

The discussion shifts to identifying signs that a friendship may need to end. Keith introduces the concept of emotional disconnect:

• Keith: "It comes from your spirit... Your eyes don't light up when I come in a room." [08:20]

The hosts emphasize the importance of honest communication in these situations.

• Courtney: "Friendship breakups are a lot harder or are kind of worse than relationship breakups because friendships, you just kind of... you couldn't. You can just stay friends and just not hang out as much or whatever." [09:18]

Jackie recounts a personal experience where a friend's new relationship led to her being sidelined, illustrating the emotional toll of such dynamics.

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3. Dealing with Toxic Friendships

Timestamp: [21:57] to [43:52]

A listener, Hungry Shane, poses a question about feeling toxic in a friendship, expressing fears of being too scared to show care. The hosts tackle the stigma around labeling oneself as toxic.

• Olivia: "I think you're not a toxic person giving yourself toxic thoughts." [24:12]

The conversation broadens to defining toxicity in friendships, with Jackie describing it as an "energy vampire" that takes more than it gives.

• Jackie: "Someone that's not building you up. It's like someone that's not filling your bucket." [22:54]

Keith shares his firm stance on not maintaining friendships with individuals who identify as racist, underscoring the importance of aligning with friends who share mutual respect and values.

• Keith: "You know what I mean? Like, I can't be friends with that." [38:32]

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4. The Impact of Romantic Relationships on Friendships

Timestamp: [16:20] to [21:18]

The hosts discuss how entering new romantic relationships can strain existing friendships. Courtney reflects on a controlling past relationship that hindered maintaining friendships outside of that partnership.

• Courtney: "I personally wasn't even seeing my family... So being in that position, trying to talk to those friends who have been in the same scenario, I would at least try and really address it." [17:52]

Olivia and Jackie share strategies for balancing romantic and platonic relationships, emphasizing open communication and setting healthy boundaries.

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5. Understanding Love Languages in Friendships

Timestamp: [27:26] to [30:50]

A segment explores how different love languages play a role in friendships. The hosts discuss their personal love languages—ranging from gift-giving and quality time to words of affirmation—and how recognizing these can strengthen bonds.

• Jackie: "My love language is words of affirmation... I want us to feel good together." [29:25]

• Courtney: Expresses her appreciation for quality time and physical affection, highlighting how small gestures like gifts can nurture friendships. "I love giving affection, but it's also one of those things where I'm not trying to invade people's space." [30:05]

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6. Building Deep and Meaningful Friendships

Timestamp: [43:47] to [66:31]

The conversation transitions to creating deeper connections. Courtney shares her journey from being an afterthought in friend groups to actively seeking and nurturing meaningful relationships.

• Olivia: "I've found my personal friends through that journey... We care about each other, we care about the world." [29:03]

Keith emphasizes the importance of being authentic and open to vulnerability in friendships, fostering trust and long-lasting bonds.

• Keith: "My love language is words of affirmation. I like to lift up my friends... We're friends for life." [29:25]

The hosts encourage listeners to host gatherings, engage in shared interests, and invest time in understanding each other's values and aspirations to cultivate enduring friendships.

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Conclusion: Celebrating and Valuing Friendships

Throughout the episode, the hosts affirm the significance of valuing and nurturing friendships. They highlight the role of honesty, mutual respect, and shared values in maintaining strong connections. Personal anecdotes and collective insights offer listeners practical advice on navigating the ups and downs of friendships, fostering a supportive and loving circle.

• Courtney: "You deserve to have a place where you don't have to be on for people... You deserve to have that group of friends where you can be vulnerable." [61:25]

• Olivia: "We have a safe space... we're friends for life." [54:21]

The episode wraps up with heartfelt acknowledgments and shout-outs to friends who have significantly impacted their lives, reinforcing the episode's central theme: the enduring power of true friendship.

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Notable Quotes:

1. Keith: "If you want your friend to be your friend still, if you feel like some energy is like coming in between, just say something. All you have to do is just speak up." [08:35]

2. Olivia: "I think for me, consistent core values bring us together, even if our worlds are completely different." [07:16]

3. Jackie: "You need to have friends that go to your funeral and your wedding, that celebrate you and can go through the bad times with you." [60:26]

4. Courtney: "You deserve to have a place where you don't have to be on for people. You deserve to have that group of friends where you can be vulnerable." [61:25]

5. Keith: "People should treat you good. They should make you feel good. Their eyes should light up when you come into the room." [13:43]

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This episode of Smosh Mouth serves as a comprehensive guide to understanding and nurturing friendships in various stages and circumstances. The hosts' candid conversations provide both empathy and actionable advice, making it a valuable listen for anyone seeking to strengthen their social connections.

Transcript

[Ryan]

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[Courtney]

Ramble.

[Olivia]

I'm really forgiving. And there's also the opposite side to that where I just cut you out completely and I. And I see you in public and I don't. I look past you.

[Keith]

It's okay to grow apart. But like, if you want your friend to be your friend still, if you feel like some energy is like coming in between, just say something. All you have to do is just speak up.

[Courtney]

You know, I think I'm like an in between tribes right now. Like, there's the work tribe. Like, this is like the best family ever. But, like, I'm in a weird place right now, especially with the pandemic. Like, it's just hard to like, have friends.

[Jackie]

I also really enjoy watching people, like, love each other, like, openly. Like, it's. It's very nice. Like, I just love it. Like, honestly, like, sometimes, like, welcome to Pussy Hour. Jesus Christ.

[Courtney]

All right, real quick. We should intro this thing. Hi, it's the smoshcast. If you accidentally. If you accidentally click this and we're trying to go somewhere else. Sorry. Stick around. This is going to be fun. This is Courtney hosting with my. My very good friends Olivia Suay, Jackie Ue and Keith Lake Jr.

[Olivia]

I burped.

[Courtney]

You burped?

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

That's my brand.

[Olivia]

I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Jackie]

Yikes.

[Courtney]

Get your crusty mask off this table.

[Olivia]

Oh. Do you really want me off, off the table?

[Courtney]

No, I don't care.

[Olivia]

Keep it in my pocket.

[Courtney]

I just noticed it. Those masks are good for lipstick stuff. I just.

[Jackie]

Okay. I just got them in this week. I got K95s because I've been struggling with, like, my lips go up against the blue ones. It's so bad. And so the K95 ones are really good because they have, like, a little bit more space. And I've just been like, wearing in my car like this Morning. I was bopping, booping around.

[Olivia]

You were just wearing your mask in your car.

[Courtney]

You don't have to.

[Jackie]

I know, but I was like, unless.

[Olivia]

Your car has people.

[Jackie]

No, there's no people in it. Just me. I'm a person. But it was just like that comfortable that I didn't need to like take it off immediately. That was nice.

[Olivia]

Yeah, I don't.

[Courtney]

Do y.

[Keith]

Do y'all wear Carmax?

[Courtney]

Carmex? The chapstick?

[Jackie]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

No, I'm not a VSCO girl.

[Olivia]

No, I don't. I don't wear chapstick. My lips are always dry.

[Jackie]

I was like, they look really juicy.

[Olivia]

No, on the sides, like when the day. Cuz I don't really drink water, which is not a good thing.

[Courtney]

Really?

[Olivia]

Yeah, I don't drink a lot of water. So then like, it just gets so crusty.

[Courtney]

Love that for you.

[Olivia]

But then now you can't really touch your lips anymore. Cause it's like frown upon to touch your mouth, your hands.

[Keith]

I just did that. I'm licking my lips.

[Olivia]

Oh, Keith, you keep doing it.

[Courtney]

Okay, guys, so this topic of this podcast is very serious, very important.

[Jackie]

Okay.

[Courtney]

And so no laughing allowed. No kidding.

[Jackie]

Won't do it. Won't cackle.

[Courtney]

Okay. So basically I decided that what we were gonna talk about today was how to deal with friendships. Whether they're good, whether they're bad, what you look for in a friend, when to know, like when it's time to stop somebody out of your life. When it's time to just stop. Yeah. So yeah, we asked you guys to submit questions that are kind of related to friends and stuff. I thought this would be a great group to do that with because, Keith, you just recently had a big landmark with how long you've been in la and there's like a whole stereotype of like LA friends. Oh, Lord. And Olivia, you've talked a lot about that as well, like behind closed doors. And you know, we've all kind of been friends for different amounts of time, so. Very excited.

[Olivia]

I have one piece of advice, and this is what I. I heard from Nicole Richie when I was 11 years old.

[Keith]

You heard from who?

[Olivia]

Nicole Richie.

[Keith]

Oh, Nicole.

[Olivia]

She said, keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

[Keith]

Oh my God.

[Olivia]

Remember when she said that?

[Keith]

No, I don't.

[Jackie]

I was like.

[Olivia]

No, it was like. It was.

[Courtney]

That was like Hamlet.

[Keith]

I thought that's what.

[Olivia]

Yeah, actually I think that's Churchill. I think she quoted Churchill.

[Courtney]

That's she.

[Jackie]

I've heard great things about like, you know how like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are like, they've just like, been undercover for, like, they've been best friends too.

[Courtney]

And they were. It was a character that they were playing the whole time.

[Jackie]

So I was like, if she is quoting Churchill. If it is even Churchill makes sense. It's.

[Ryan]

It's Sun Tzu.

[Jackie]

Sun Tzu.

[Keith]

Sun Tzu.

[Olivia]

Thank you.

[Jackie]

Come on, Nicole.

[Olivia]

Yeah, at least she quoted someone.

[Jackie]

Yeah, she quotes somebody. Church.

[Keith]

But I don't think I would keep my enemies closer, I don't think.

[Olivia]

Cuz. Yeah, we're not conniving people.

[Keith]

To me, that's like, for me, that's. For me personally, I like the people that I consider enemies. I honestly don't give them the time.

[Olivia]

I know, me neither.

[Keith]

You know, I try not to. In my head, I'm thinking, you know what I mean? Like, when you fall out with friends or whatever, you start to, like, think of them, you know? But I. I honestly just disassociate myself, like, never again, you know?

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Keith]

I'm like the. The king of a grudge.

[Olivia]

And you are the grudge.

[Keith]

I am the grudge. Like, dead ass, the grudge. And guys, I struggle with forgiveness.

[Courtney]

So, yeah, we got some different perspectives today. So let's get this first question out in the air. This one's from ill will 2003. Good year. I used to have a friend who I cared about dearly. But eventually we grew apart. It took me a long time to cut them out of my life because I always hung out, hung to memories we used to have together. How do you know when it's time to move on?

[Keith]

It comes from your spirit.

[Jackie]

Something that I feel like I've learned in the past couple years is that you out. Like, there are friends that are only met for, like, a certain period of time or a certain period of your life. Like, when I left high school, I was like, I don't know why everyone is telling me, like, I'm not gonna be friends with all of these people. What are you talking? Like, this is not gonna be the last time. I see, like, what are you talking about? Like, we went to high school together. And then you realize, like, yeah, I see. I see two people to this day that I went to high school with. And I definitely believe that, like, okay, like, even though you have all of these memories with this person, like, there are people that, like, you move through. You just continue to move through life. And, like, not everyone goes with you. And it's not a bad thing. I think it's just a natural part of, like, growing up that you as you grow, and you're in these different, like, spheres and different circles and stuff. Like, you. You grow. And those memories aren't invalid, but they're important and, like, they matter, but it doesn't. Like, you're changing as a person, so of course your friendships are gonna change.

[Courtney]

Yeah. I think a big part of that is, like, just accepting that, like, that's not gonna be the only time you have happy memories. Like, you're gonna feel this way again, like, whether it's with other people. I have friends in my past that, like, I have. I, like, I think I'm the same as you. I literally think I talked to, like, two people from high school. For me, it's like, how much do they positively affect your life, plus, how badly do you want to still be a part of theirs?

[Olivia]

I think for me, in high school, I knew I really wasn't, like, connected with anyone, really, except for probably two best friends. And even my best friends in high school didn't even go to my school. My best friend, childhood best friend that I've known since I was, like, 13, came to visit again because she's going to school in Missouri. And we are in completely different avenues of work, and just a lot of the things that we're doing currently are very different, but our core values are so just the same that brings us together. All the other stuff is just noise. But when we get together, even though our worlds are completely different, what I find really important in friends are just their core values and their foundation. So all of my best friends, even if they are living in Europe or they have their completely. They've gone completely goth or whatever change happens. Like, if their core values are still the same, I'm still going to love them the same way because that stuff is consistent.

[Keith]

Okay, so how I know if it's time to cut someone off? Your eyes don't light up when I come in a room.

[Courtney]

You know what I mean?

[Keith]

Like, you know how like, sometimes, like, when you're, like, best friends with somebody, you're like, oh, my God, my best friend's here. Oh, we're going to have a good time. If that light. Light goes like, it's some real stuff. It's like, yo, I don't feel comfortable like, this. What it was is not what it is anymore. You know what I mean? It's time to, like, you know, we can still be cool, but, like, you're not my, like, you. Like, you know, I want to feel good, like, when I'm with my friends.

[Jackie]

Yeah.

[Olivia]

But sometimes I also realize Is that it's not you, it's the other person and what they're going through, you know, and there's like, maybe when you come in and their eyes don't light up, maybe because they feel like they're in a really dark place and it's not you, and it's, like, up to you to. To ask them and help them pick them up and be like, what's going on?

[Keith]

Communication is.

[Olivia]

Yeah, communication is really important with friends and stuff like that.

[Courtney]

Yeah. I feel like sometimes people. Like someone said, it feels like friendship breakups are a lot harder or are kind of worse than relationship breakups, because friendships, you just kind of. Why should they end? You're just friends, you guys. You couldn't. You can just stay friends and just not hang out as much or whatever. Whereas in a relationship, it's like, okay, this has to end. This can't just, like, float around. Like, it's interesting because, like, there's not really those conversations of, like, okay, hi, we need to stop being friends.

[Olivia]

And also, I've realized sometimes their relationships, their romantic relationships also dictate friendships. Oh, 100%, you know, like, who they're dating and who they're with dictates what kind.

[Keith]

You know, they want to come back when they're, like, broken up. That is, like, it happens all the time. I don't do that, you know.

[Olivia]

Really? Why not?

[Jackie]

No, I feel like basically I had one of my really good friends when I moved out here. We were dating for a little bit, and then it was like, we're better.

[Olivia]

As friends each other.

[Jackie]

We were dating. Yes. And it was like, okay, yeah, whatever. We're not together anymore, but we're still friends. I'm going to support you. Whatever. So I consider him a friend now.

[Keith]

Right.

[Jackie]

It's like, yeah, he's my ex, but he's more of a friend than my ex. Right? And so then he started dating somebody new, and that new person didn't like that he was friends with me. And so he cut me off. And then. And then he was like, once that was done, he was like, oh, now we can hang out again. I'm like, oh, no, I'm not an optional. Like, oh, you think you can just come? Like, no, like, don't. Don't do me like that. Like, I was like, I'll be here for you, like, whenever, like, whatever. But it just felt like. And like, I feel like this is, like, where people will disagree, but I'm like, no, if we're. If we're friends, like, I'm Just not optional. Like, I don't. I just. The feeling of that. Of being treated like that made me feel so shitty. And it's like. It's not even that I don't support your relationship, but it's like you're not even fighting for me as your friend in your relationship. And it's like. I don't know, it gets. I feel like that's a weird. A weird spot, but you're not, like.

[Courtney]

On tap that you can just be like. And just come back to.

[Keith]

And did the girl not like you at. Like, she didn't, like, did you know her?

[Courtney]

Sounds like. Sounds like insecurity.

[Jackie]

We knew of each other, but she, like, made to be like.

[Courtney]

Because he told me.

[Jackie]

He's like, hey, she doesn't want me talking to you anymore. And I was like. And so he's like, yeah, okay, cool. Bye. And I was like, that's all? You're gonna leave it? Like, you're not even gonna be like, no.

[Courtney]

Like, not even try.

[Jackie]

Did you put up any type Of. Any type of effort? Like, yeah, we talked. It's just. I was like, okay. But it was like, nah, she said it.

[Keith]

So.

[Jackie]

Bye.

[Courtney]

Oh, my gosh. Okay.

[Jackie]

So it was just.

[Keith]

Are they together now?

[Jackie]

No, they're not. Of course not.

[Keith]

And now you guys are friends?

[Courtney]

Oh, yeah, that's what you said.

[Jackie]

And now we're not friends.

[Keith]

Like, fucked it all.

[Jackie]

I was like, you really fuck. Like, I. I took this. This man. I took this dude outside, and I was like, look, this is how I feel. And I. I don't. I don't like how you treated me. I have so much love for him, but I was like, no, Like. And it changed how we're. Our friendship forever.

[Olivia]

So it's so funny because I'm, like, the most forgiving person. Like. Like, I'm really forgiving. And there's also the opposite side to that, where I just cut you out completely. And I. And I see you in public and I don't. I look past you.

[Jackie]

Oh, damn.

[Keith]

So that's me with, like.

[Olivia]

Yeah, it's like. It's like that. It's completely polar opposites. Like, I make exceptions if you are really in front of me and, like, explaining to me where you, like, how you felt. Because I think throughout all chapters of our lives, we get influenced by different things, you know? And sometimes it's like our own inner influence and our own inner insecurity for other things that make us act out. So it's like, if you. Because I've had, you know, Friendships and romantic relationship interfered with it. And then maybe we're not that close anymore, but I think it takes a lot to also stand in front of someone and apologize. Because I know that's not easy for me. So if someone else is doing that to me, I'm gonna be receptive. I can't just reject them. Cause I know it's already taken a lot for someone to apologize. Yeah. And then for how I respond to that, whether or not it's just, like, done with you or not. It's just if I like thinking back about those relationships where someone has said, oh, I'm sorry that this happened, blah, blah, blah. And then I look at. I'm like, you know what? Thank you for this apology. But I'm at this different point in my life, and I really don't need you in my life, you know, because you were never really that. I didn't really, like. I didn't like you that much, you know, treat you.

[Keith]

People should treat you good. They should make you feel good. Their eyes should light up when you come into the room. Like, it's, you know, like, I feel some certain friendships that I've had, they, like, come back around. You know what I mean? They come back around because I've allowed it and it took time.

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Keith]

You know, sometimes it was years. Like, one of my, like, my homeboys, Nick, like, we had fell out. Yeah, no, it's all good. Like, we, like, that was my. That's my brother. Like, we've been, like, homeless together the whole thing. Like, that's like. That's how, like, close we are. You know what I mean? Like, he doesn't mind this, you know, like, we have gone through the mud out here and he's actually from la and the whole just. We fell out and he ended up having, like, children and everything, and I wasn't there for it. Like, that's how much we fell out. But, like, after a while, we have mutual friends, you know? I remember when we became friends again, like, I went to his apartment, I ubered to his apartment. Our friends were over there. And, like, he came out the door and all we did was just look at each other and, like, did this from across the way. And it was just like, I missed you. You know what I mean? Like, I really missed you, brother. And as long, like, I missed your, like, kids being born, you know, like, that's kind of shitty. Like, that's how far we went to not being friends. And, like, that's the thing. I don't even remember why we weren't friends anymore. Like, you know what I mean? Like, just really completely fell off. And, you know, now we still argue like fucking cats and dogs and like, have fun. But it's a different type of, like, you know, like, I guess, grown manship, you know, so it's just. Yeah.

[Olivia]

And some fights are optional. Like, you know, there's not. Sometimes it's like I love this person deeper beyond what is happening right now. That might be annoying because it's like, dude, like, the love goes so deep that, like, sometimes I don't even, like, even want to bring up anything. Just like, it doesn't matter.

[Courtney]

Yeah. I think the thing with this question that was asked is like, they're just kind of growing apart. And I feel like the person asking is trying to look for an end. But I feel like when you're just growing apart, just let the growing apart happen. You don't have to sever anything or burn any bridges. Because if that person's still a good person but just is different than you, go do your own thing. Try making other friends. Which is harder than. It's harder as you get older. But I think. Yeah, I think there's not so much pressure on that. Like we said earlier, like, you don't have to, like, break up a friendship necessarily.

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Shall I move on to the next one?

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Okay. How you guys doing this morning?

[Jackie]

Good. I feel like we're in, like. I feel like we're in like. Like talks. Talk show. Like. Yeah, like, you know, it feels good. Like, it feels like a nice. I don't know. I was like. Are you asking if you want our energy higher?

[Courtney]

No, no, no, no. I just, like, checking in with my guys. Cool, cool, cool.

[Keith]

Oh, this is great.

[Courtney]

This one's from. Yeah. 807-666-866. Is that your phone number?

[Olivia]

It is. That's my Social Security number.

[Courtney]

Okay. The question is, what do I do if a friend is completely changing after they got into a relationship? Like, always ditching me and our other friends for their partner? I don't wanna lose my friend, but I don't know what to say to them about it. I feel like this is like a weird. I feel like in this new age, relationships, priorities and friendship priorities. I feel like the gap is getting closer, like, closed. Because I feel like a lot of people see friends as more disposable than relationships. Do you know what I mean? Like, because I've had friends that I don't see them when they're in a relationship, regardless of who they're dating. I myself was in a really controlling relationship previously that basically made it impossible for me to maintain friendships that weren't his friends. So like, I've been in that position where like, I literally wasn't even seeing my family and you're just so unaware. Or like I was so unaware of what I was doing to myself in those relationships. So being in that position, trying to talk to those friends who have been in the same scenario, I would at least try and really address it. Just come clean. Because I feel like it's really hard. We're afraid we're gonna lose our friends.

[Keith]

If we say something.

[Courtney]

If we say something. We're so afraid of challenging each other's character. But it's like you're literally just asking to stay friends. That's literally from a place of love, right?

[Ryan]

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[Keith]

I. I feel all of that, but I just feel like with like you said, you're not going to be friends with a lot of these. Oh, you know, like that's like the God to. That's the truth. Like you're not like, you are gonna grow apart. It's okay to grow apart. But like, if you want your friend to be your friend still, if you feel like some energy is like coming in between, just say something. All you have to do is just speak up, you know, and say it nicely. Come on. Like, do it with respect, honor. You know what I mean? Like, yo, like, can I talk to you? Pete? Like, Pete, yo, like, I just want you to know.

[Olivia]

Like, bro, just be honest.

[Keith]

Just be honest. Just. Just be honest.

[Olivia]

There you go. You got your answer. Just be honest.

[Jackie]

Just be honest.

[Courtney]

Just try, at least make one big attempt. Whether it's like as a group with the other friends as well.

[Jackie]

Like, I guess like going off of relationships. Like I have a friend, one of my really close friends. Like she's also a stepmom. So like, there's a period, like, during the year when, like, her son comes and stays. And so, like, during those. Knowing, like, where she's at in her life and stuff, I'm like, yeah, like, you probably need space right now. It's like, you probably need space, like, to hang out with your family and, like, be a stepmom and also, like, have your own time. And so it's like, for me, as her friend, and I'm like, hey, how do you. What do you need right now? Do you just need a day to vent or stuff? And I'm like, hey, I'm here. But I'm also like, I know you got a lot going on, so taking a step back and was like, whatever you need, I'm here for you always. Whatever that looks like. But also knowing our friendship is gonna look different because of where you're at right now. And I have to be secure in our friendship to be okay with that and. Cool. We're not gonna be like, that's totally true, but you know what I mean? But I'm like. But also, like, when we get together, it's gonna be great, but it's like, that can't happen right now.

[Olivia]

Leading by example, too. I see so many of my friends, like, I used to be that girl in my first relationship, only hanging out with my boyfriend. Like, that's the first relationship that's so normal. And, like, you know, later on, the person, me realizes there's so much time that I can, you know, also hang out with my friends as well and making that as a priority. And I. And I. And I see that in my friend circle because those people are doing that. So then I'm like, when you lead by example, you people follow that. You know, if I show my friends, like, I'm making time to hang out with you, not just my boyfriend, then they'll hopefully, they'll also realize, oh, in my relationships, I can do the same, you know?

[Jackie]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Yeah. And there's always those friends that, like, you don't need to stay in touch 24 7.

[Jackie]

Yes.

[Courtney]

Yeah. Like, I have a friend who I maybe see her twice a year, but we are close. Yeah.

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Keith]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

So, yeah, that makes sense.

[Keith]

100%. Like, yeah, I have friends in New York that, like, when I go, like, haven't missed a beat, it's just.

[Courtney]

I love that.

[Keith]

And, like, FaceTime now, like, on FaceTime all the time, talking for hours about everything, dreams, what we want to do, like, just the whole shit, you know?

[Courtney]

Yeah. That friend is happy in their relationship, and they're just being happy with that person. Be happy for them. Like, you know what I mean? I feel like I. I see both sides of like.

[Olivia]

Yeah, I do too. Because we both. We've all been on both ends of that.

[Jackie]

Some on other sides more than the other.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Jackie]

Ye. Yeah.

[Olivia]

So.

[Courtney]

Yeah, dude. All right, cool. That was cut and dry. I like it cut and dry. All right, this one's from Hungry Shane. I think I'm the toxic one.

[Keith]

Oh, that's how it's.

[Olivia]

At least they're honest.

[Keith]

That's how.

[Courtney]

Come on. That's the first half of the Sense. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[Jackie]

I'm the toxic one.

[Keith]

Okay.

[Courtney]

I think I'm the toxic one. I think I'm the.

[Keith]

You probably are.

[Courtney]

But also if you think you are, if you're wondering if you are, you're also probably not. Hang on.

[Keith]

Let's go. I'll give you that. My headphones fall off.

[Courtney]

Let's hear the whole thing. Okay, so I think I'm the toxic one. I really want to be friends with them. I like them a lot, but I always leave them on delivered or seen and always reject them when they ask to call and stuff. I really like them and enjoying talking to them, but I'm too scared to show I care.

[Keith]

Oh, that's different.

[Olivia]

That's honest.

[Courtney]

Don't call yourself toxic.

[Olivia]

Yeah, you're not toxic.

[Keith]

You're just afraid to open up real quick.

[Courtney]

Can I like hear what all you. When you guys hear the word toxic, what does the word toxic mean to you?

[Olivia]

I think of Britney Spears.

[Jackie]

I think poison.

[Keith]

I just honestly think poison.

[Jackie]

The word poison just like, yeah, go for it. I think of like a soul and energy. Sucker. Someone that's not building you up. It's like someone that's not filling your bucket. Like they. They take from you to fill their own bucket. And they. But they also want you to give your. Give all of yourself to them and they don't return it. It's a one sided, very long definition. I like human one sided ass. Like, and you're. And you're just constantly confused.

[Courtney]

It's like, what did I did?

[Jackie]

Was I wrong? Like, you just don't really know. Everything's murky, everything's gray.

[Keith]

Damn.

[Courtney]

Is that a definition we can all agree on?

[Keith]

Yeah, 100%.

[Olivia]

Dude. These images of people just started popping in my head.

[Keith]

That's what like I'm over.

[Olivia]

Like, and. And don't you guys wish you knew who you were? But they're in my head.

[Keith]

Hell yeah, you wish. I love that, Yeah.

[Courtney]

I feel like it's. Even if it, if they're not specifically doing anything to you, it's like, it's like in the little things as well. Like. And yeah. The energy sucker. The energy vampire. Totally, totally.

[Olivia]

I didn't know it was in a toxic friendship until now. I look back and I'm like, oh.

[Courtney]

That'S usually how it goes. Is because you in a way get used to it and you don't see it.

[Keith]

Hindsight is 50 50.

[Olivia]

But this girl or this guy or whomever that Hungry Shane that asked this question, I don't think you should be so self deprecating and calling yourself toxic because you know, every time you speak that into existence, it becomes you, you know, So I would just not put that in the universe and just, you know, she was so. Or Hungry Shane is so honest.

[Courtney]

You're not being toxic because I feel like you're not being toxic in the way that you're not putting yourself in situations to be toxic. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Is the class listening?

[Jackie]

Yeah, sorry.

[Courtney]

Sorry.

[Keith]

No, that was.

[Jackie]

She just like petered out. I was like, wait, what happened?

[Keith]

And something just changed.

[Olivia]

No, no, I just said no. No, nothing, man.

[Keith]

What? No, you.

[Courtney]

What is the tea, sis?

[Keith]

I want to apologize for going off and saying that like, if you think you're toxic, you're toxic. Once you read all of it, it too, it made more sense. You're just like, I feel like you're afraid to open up, which I understand. I'm afraid to do that too. I don't trust a lot of people. You know what I mean? I'm very private.

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Keith]

So like, I don't think you're toxic. You just like handle things a certain way and you see it. So that's the first step. Yeah, that's the first step. Would you guys say.

[Jackie]

Just a question for me.

[Keith]

Would you guys say there's a difference.

[Jackie]

Between being a toxic person and having toxic qualities? Can a. Can a good person do things that.

[Courtney]

Might not be like, like not intentional or like they don't realize they're doing it? I think that's. I mean there's a lot of things that people do that they don't realize what they're doing is venomous. I mean, I've been reading up on some versions of that of like, they think that this like certain questions are ways that they're treating you as. Okay. Like putting their own life ideas onto you and they just think that's normal. You're not really doing like. Yeah. Leaving people on red and, like, not wanting to, like, be a part of conversations and things. I feel like you're not necessarily being toxic. It's just you're not. You're not putting yourself out there. Like, I feel like you're saying you're afraid to show that you care, but it's like, what's gonna happen? Are they gonna laugh? They're not gonna laugh at you. Like, they're not. Yeah, we. I feel like some people like the way that we're raised. Showing that you care about something is a sign of weakness. Like, people made fun of nerds, but when, like, really a nerd is someone who loves certain cultures, loves certain media. Like, it's someone who loves something and has a passion for something that not a lot of people do. So, like, why are you making fun of that? Like, there's. There's nothing to make fun of in showing yourself caring and being a friend. So I would encourage. I would encourage yourself to just, like, say yes to something if you're unhappy with where you're at. I'd say change.

[Keith]

Try it. Just try it.

[Olivia]

But maybe you just don't vibe with them, and that's okay with everyone.

[Courtney]

They're saying they really like them, so it's like. But I. I can relate to that. And, like, there are a lot of people in my life that I. I adore, but I do it from a distance. Like, I. I'm. I think it's probably part of my anxiety of, like, I love you, and I love what you're doing over there, but I'm just too anxious to, like, engage and, like, become a. I'm curious.

[Jackie]

What are you guys? Love languages. Can't. Can't quote it, can't source it. But, like, there's the five love love languages, and there's, like, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, like, doing things for people, gift giving, and then words of affirmation. And it's like when I started learning about, like, in school, but there's, like, what you. What you receive and then what you.

[Courtney]

Give, how you express your love.

[Jackie]

And I think. Think kind of just knowing that. Honestly, that helped me in my relationship with my mom because I was like, oh, like, you are acts of service affirmation in my house. Like, not huge, but, like. But also knowing, like, oh, I need. Sometimes I do need words of affirmation from you, but I'm like, oh, but if I can, like, recognize, like, everything you're doing is out of love for me.

[Courtney]

Yeah, recognizing.

[Jackie]

Yeah. Especially, like, first, like, first generation, like, households Like, I have friends are like, oh, I've never heard the word I love you, like, in my house. You know what I mean? But, like, I know for me, it's like, quality time is huge. Like, just, like, spending good time with people and, like, just being in each other's space does it for me. Like, what are your guys's love languages?

[Olivia]

Gift giving and. Because that's how my mom always showed her friends and her loved ones how much.

[Courtney]

So that's how you show.

[Olivia]

Yes. And also, yeah, I think quality time. I love spending time with my friends. Just sometimes me giving them small little treats and then us spending quality time together and just sitting around the couch doing nothing and just laying down or napping. I don't know. For me, that's really important. Or going on hikes and walks. That's important to me.

[Courtney]

I've always wanted a friend who'd be down to just hang out in my place while I'm cleaning. That kind of quality time.

[Olivia]

Those are all my friends.

[Jackie]

I think I'll be there.

[Courtney]

Who are you?

[Keith]

What are they? Again, I don't want to say anything physical touch.

[Jackie]

Words of affirmation, gift giving, quality time and acts of service.

[Keith]

I feel like words of affirmation. I like to lift up my friends.

[Courtney]

You do?

[Olivia]

You do?

[Jackie]

Yeah.

[Olivia]

I love that.

[Keith]

I want us to feel good together. And I learn. I don't know, like, sometimes when I'm speaking to my friends, I'm speaking to myself through it. You know what I mean? Like, this is for us. Like, I'm here. It's not me, like, saying that you're.

[Courtney]

Not trying to butter you up. Yeah.

[Keith]

Like, no, this is, like, that's. I think that's mine. That's when I'm the most, like, oh, we're friends. Cause we're, like, talking like this, you.

[Courtney]

Know, in this field. I feel like I've reduced my, like, words of affirmation. But that used to be something that I did a lot. But, like, I do. I have a huge fear of people thinking that I'm just buttering them up. But that's, like, not the intention.

[Olivia]

No, not at all.

[Courtney]

I respond really well, like, I love quality time. And then I respond, really, I love physical affection. You can literally. I'm a chain. I can be, like, having the worst day, and. Yeah. And if someone scratches my back, I literally. There's a switch. I slipped, and I'm happy. If someone gives me a present, I am fucking ecstatic. Even if it's like a pencil. Like, I don't, like, need that it's not like you didn't give me a present. So I don't think you love me. But I definitely. And I also love shopping for other people more than I love shopping for myself.

[Olivia]

Yeah, me too.

[Courtney]

Like, Christmas. I love Christmas so much.

[Jackie]

That's true.

[Courtney]

Courtney loves that I get you guys. Yeah, I'm. My Christmas budget is not okay, but that's so true.

[Olivia]

You like to see your friends smile.

[Courtney]

I love that. And I like finding things that I know that they would like or I want them to try, but then when I notice certain people don't respond to it. Cause, you know, if you were raised getting stuff all the time that you're just like, this is not an exciting thing for me, then I'm like, okay, interesting. But, yeah, so I love giving affection, but it's also one of those things where it's like, I'm not trying to invade people's space. So it's one of those things that I just kind of put on the back burner.

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[Courtney]

But yeah. Did we answer the question?

[Olivia]

Yeah. And then we also answered her question.

[Courtney]

Yeah, I like that. That was a good ask.

[Keith]

That. That one got me. My eyes kind of welled up a little bit because I had never looked at it that way. And I have so many different types of friends that, like, their. Their love language is different. And, like, sometimes you try to classify people and you're like, well, this person doesn't do it the way that I do it, so they're not my friends. And that's like, I don't. I have to really. I need to understand. I need to. I need to take some time.

[Olivia]

There's some of my friends who are not always checking up on me, but I know they will be there for a fact when I need them.

[Keith]

You know, I think my guards are just up even with my friends, you know, Like, I have some things that I have to work through, you know.

[Courtney]

And the fact that, like, for this person, like, they're reaching out to you and stuff. Like, they want you around.

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

So don't be afraid. Like, I think it would be highly rewarded in terms of, like, expressing your.

[Olivia]

You're not a toxic person giving yourself toxic thoughts.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Keith]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

You're being toxic to yourself. If anything, you're right. All right. Amytow or Cami toe asks. I found out my friend is racist today. And no one in my friend group agrees with them, but they aren't being kicked out. I don't want to be friends with that, but I don't want to lose the rest. What should I do here? That's tough. That's a tough one that I've been wrestling with. Is like, when you come across people in your life that are not what you thought in terms of how they see people. I know that we have a lot of different perspectives in this room.

[Olivia]

I have friends and are they outwardly racist? No. But do they say things that maybe are not as thought through? Yeah. And I think those are moments where you lead by example and you kind of show them the way and you talk about it and you don't cancel them or shut them out of the group. Are open minded, open hearted, and we discuss, you know, and I've done some stupid things too. And luckily I also have really great friends that open their hearts out to me and we talk about. Discuss it. And my world has changed.

[Jackie]

I don't know if any of my, like, my actual friends, like, I'm on the same. I think I'm on the same page. Like, my actual friends. Cause I have acquaintances that are racists. Like, I. Yeah. Where it's like, I found a lot. I found a lot. I found out a lot this year.

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Jackie]

Like, who's what and where they're at. I'm like, noted. Like, and it's like, great. I know. I now know that our core values do not align. We are not friends. So it's like, I don't even classify you as a friend. So now I'm like, okay, the people that I am friends with, like, I feel the way that I'm a friend to you is showing you that I'm willing to have these conversations with you and give you that time and energy and like, kind of like walk. Not walk you through it, but sometimes it's like, there's. I feel like there's a debate between, like, no, Google it. Like, pay me for my time and stuff. But I'm like, if I'm your friend and I'm. I'm giving you this energy, like, we can Talk about it. And then it's, like, awesome. And there's, like, a period of, like, changed. Like, where you're like, I'm expecting kind of, like, changed behavior for the most part with the. To specific things or at least catching yourself. Like, I know it's not. I know it's not the same, but, like. Like, I have friends who've changed their pronouns. So, like, having that discussion, like, it's, like, awesome. Like, you ident. Like, you identify as they or them, and we've had that discussion. Now it's like, me, like, correcting myself and, like, moving on. It's like, it's like you correct yourself and keep going, but it's also, like, at least, like, showing that you're doing that work of, like, catching yourself, thinking you're still actively working on it, you know? So, like, that's what I mean. Like, a period of change behavior. Like, just seeing them working.

[Olivia]

Yeah, and I've seen that. And I don't know about you guys, but my circle of friends have become very small. Like, once you live life longer, I think. I mean, I'm only 27, but still. Like, I used to have friends everywhere, but now my circle of friends smaller also. Those people are so important to me. It's worth it for all of us. It's beneficial for all of us to have open conversations, because it's not like you're a disposable friend. We're friends for life. You know, Like, I only call you. Like, there's. I only have these friends, so I'm willing. We're all willing to put in the work to, you know, talk and fix whatever it is that needs to be fixed.

[Courtney]

And sometimes it takes years to, like, realize these things about people. Like, it takes years to finally, like, realize whether or not, like, oh, you're not who I thought you were, or, like, oh, I like. Cause, you know, we'll meet somebody, and I'll be super excited about them and be obsessed with them and love them. Then it's like, a year later, I've now seen their ugly side, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, this is really bad. I feel like there's very little information in this question. And, like, it's hard because you're this person's just saying, okay, I found out this person is racist. That can mean a lot of different things, because a lot of people kind of have a different definition of racism of what that means. If this person is being very ignorant. I think it is important to, like, have the conversation at least trying to be like, hey, would you be willing to talk about these things? Because if they're not even willing to, like, if they're just going to be limiting their thinking and not even willing to try, like, I don't know, like, have you. Because you've had. Yeah. You have stories.

[Keith]

I have. Okay, so this is crazy because, like, everybody knows I like to drink. I like to have a good time. So me and my friends, like, we're drinking and I'm. I'm getting cool with this. Like, one guy. Like, we're always, like, with the same, like, people or whatever. So then, look, got drunk and straight up told me he started crying. He's like, keith, like, you are an amazing person. Like, I was racist. Like, I grew up racist. You grew up in trailers, the whole thing. You know what I mean? A lot of these people that I'm saying that I'm friends with, people would never expect me to be friends with too, mind you. And just from, like, appearance, just so, you know, just, like, the vibe. He started crying, saying, like, I was racist. I was like, I was racist against black people. Like, really, really crying. And I'm like, whoa, this is a turnaround. Like, didn't even know because, like, I mean, you're nice to me, but, like, you were, like, racist. Like, for you to cry and say that, drunk or not, like, that's a big, like, step. So, like, after that, I was like, okay, like, we're cool. Da, da, da da. And then, you know, covet hit. So, like, I think they, like him and his girl, they ended up moving away, and it got to the point where I just, like, Facebook, you start to see certain, and you're like, oh, my God. Like, you are like, I thought you said he was.

[Olivia]

And now he's again racist.

[Keith]

That's. That's what it is. That's the thing. So, like, would I be friends with the racist person? If somebody tell you they're racist, believe them. Because, like, I. I honestly, like, me personally, I would never be friends with the racist. I couldn't do that.

[Olivia]

Oh, me neither.

[Keith]

I personally couldn't.

[Olivia]

No one should be friends with.

[Keith]

You know, but, like. But, like, I mean, it's. It's hard for different people. For me, as a black man, I just can't do that.

[Olivia]

No.

[Keith]

You know what I mean? And it's like, racist on different. Like, whatever. Like, I can't be friends with that.

[Olivia]

Nope.

[Keith]

Like, none of that, but for toxic.

[Olivia]

Energy, you know, so.

[Keith]

But for him, it was, you know, I. I thought it was changed. So I'M like, okay, like, let me. Like, yeah, like, bro, like, let's go. Like, we're cool.

[Jackie]

Yeah.

[Keith]

Oh, but you're. You are racist. Like, never again. Well, somebody says, like, I mean, first of all, he's drunk. So, like.

[Courtney]

The truth came out. Yeah.

[Keith]

And it took some time, like a year and some change. Like, you know, like, it was weird. I was like, whoa, like, freaky.

[Olivia]

I was just thinking, like, I just said, never be friends with a racist person. I changed my mind.

[Jackie]

Wait, why?

[Olivia]

Because what I worded was wrong.

[Jackie]

Okay.

[Olivia]

I think if you are. I always just think talking and showing people experiences will change their heart. And I think if we don't combat that with love, then these racist people are going to find other racist people and they are going to build a group of racist people. When a lot of these people in racist groups, their hearts can be changed. It's just because we keep canceling them and we keep shutting them down, you know?

[Keith]

Well, I think, well, from just my personal experience with that, like, to hear that and then see certain things isn't even trivial.

[Courtney]

I can't trivialize it.

[Keith]

I don't want to. I don't want to talk to this person.

[Olivia]

No.

[Keith]

You know what I mean? Like, I don't. Like, for me, that was. It was the step of. Like, I get that. Like, I was cool to be that for you in the beginning, but like, when I start to see you, like, just move in a certain way, it's like, oh, like, this is not for me to do. Because the love that I give is like, what you get from it.

[Olivia]

It's immense, you know?

[Keith]

But like, you just. I cut that off. Like, that's a.

[Olivia]

That's a.

[Keith]

For me.

[Jackie]

You know what else is interesting about that question is that, like, they want to stay friends with the other people, but in my mind, the other people are also, like, implicit, like, perpetuating them. Yeah. It's like if this person feels that safe in this space around, like. Cause you, You. You can clock it. Like, you have certain friends that'll be like, well, this is where I could. And say names. You know what I mean? It's like, well, it's like, oh, this friends are racist. So I don't wanna hang out with them, but I wanna hang out with the other people. It's like, well, why are the other people also hanging out with this person? Cause it might not be as stark, but it also. That says something else about that friend group. Again, very minimal information in the question, but it's like, well, look at your friends. Are making space for this person that has shown that they. They act this certain way. So, like, that's also something to. To think about. And because. Because sometimes I'm like, okay, there's this person, but I'm like, why do they feel so safe here? It's like, what the hell? Like, what do y'all say? Like, what do y'all talk about when I'm not Like, what do y'all like.

[Courtney]

Yeah, do you just be like.

[Jackie]

Like, do you just laugh? Like, do you say anything? Like, are you stepping up? Like, are you just being a bystander?

[Courtney]

Like, there's a part of me that wants to say, like, if you passionately feel like it, you will hold your ground and you won't hang out with those people until there's a change. Or, like, I think if there's room for, like, casual correction of, like, if they're saying something that's not okay. If, like, they're. If they're making weird assumptions. Like, there's a friend who, like, made a joke about, like, oh, like, those sketchy Indian computer farms. I was like, hey, man, just don't say that. Like, they were just mentioning, like, a computer farm of like, oh, these businesses that use it. I was like, hey, man, don't say that.

[Keith]

Don't say that and that.

[Courtney]

And then that was the end of it. Like, if there's ability to, like, if there's a safe space for you to correct them in the moment, but if they're making it. If they're making it that hard to you work these things out, then that's. That's not a loving person. Like, why? Like, yeah, So I think if you're really passionate about this and you really want to stand your ground, you have to, like, you have to make sacrifices in that way.

[Keith]

Definitely correct. But like, you said, kick them to the curb if they are not trying. Like, yeah, like.

[Courtney]

Like, you're. If you're. You're. If you're not a racist person. Like, you're a person who has love for. For all people. So, like, you need to show love and. And construct it language when you're talking to that person. Instead of being like, you're racist, you're. That means you're a bad person and you're. You're done. Unless you turn it around right now. Like, that is not gonna make it. That's gonna make it even harder. You're racist for thinking I'm racist.

[Olivia]

Like, honestly, being aggressive is not cool unless you're trying to find. You're trying to, like, Fight for a Yelp discount.

[Keith]

Yeah, I'm weak.

[Jackie]

No, that's me.

[Olivia]

I'm aggressive. When it comes to like, you unlock this to get 10% off and they don't like, honor that, then I'm aggressive.

[Keith]

Whatever, Olivia.

[Courtney]

All right, let's. Let's move on to the next one.

[Ryan]

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[Courtney]

I feel like the back burner friend a lot of the time, where it always seems like I'm an afterthought or second choice to everyone. I have a lot of friends, quote unquote, but not many people that want to actually spend time with me. Do you have any advice for creating more deep friendships?

[Olivia]

I was always. I was always. Sorry, go ahead.

[Keith]

Well, your person's coming. Just like, give the time. If you already have friends, like, like, be. Be grateful with what you have. If you already have friends, like, be grateful, but your person is one day coming, like, dude, I just.

[Olivia]

This just brought me back to my high school memories. I was the afterthought friend. Like, I always felt like I was invited to these things because of my other friends, you know? And look at me now.

[Jackie]

You're now, bitch.

[Olivia]

Your person came, your people came and like. And I'm telling this to myself, that really fucking hit me because I remember when I was in high school, I always felt like I was not good enough in friend groups. And that's why in the previous questions, I kind of was like, I never thought I would be lifelong friends with these people because they never treated me like lifelong friends. I always felt like, oh, well, Olivia's just there and she just tags along. I was like the tag along friend in high school. And like that always like. And I always knew that and it always, like made me feel sad inside. But I just like, if I could tell myself now, like, how like, are you okay?

[Courtney]

Yeah. I'm getting emotional about it.

[Jackie]

I know. Yeah, it's fine.

[Courtney]

Please continue. No. Why? Why? No, I just relate very hard, so please continue.

[Olivia]

I was like the tag along friend and like, I Just thought I was like, just a place filler in the group and if I was gone or not, they've. No one would really, like, care. But now I kind of found my tribe too, you know, and if I could tell my younger self that I would just be like, yo, like, these are. Aren't going to be your friends. Just be patient.

[Jackie]

Be.

[Olivia]

Be true to who you are because those friends are coming and they're going to love you and value you, like, so much, you know?

[Keith]

Yeah.

[Olivia]

Yeah, go off.

[Jackie]

I don't even know.

[Courtney]

I don't even know what to say. Like, because, like, I think I'm like an in between tribes right now. Like, there's the work tribe. Like, this is like the best family ever. But, like, I feel like I'm in a weird place right now, especially with the pandemic. Like, it's just hard to, like, have friends. But, like, yeah, it's also like, sometimes it's not automatic. Like, especially when you're in your adult life, it's hard to, like, you need to. You need to put in the work to create a friendship. It's like, especially if, like, it's not like school where you get to see each other every day and the friendships can kind of build themselves, like, when you're an adult. It's like I've never done like, Tinder dates or like, dates like that where it's like you get. You sit down with a new person and just like, get to know them. So, like, I. And I also was just like a weirdo in high school. I was always the after friend. I was always the one that got like, dick.

[Olivia]

Me too.

[Courtney]

And it sucks. It sucks. But, like, there. I did have a tribe at one point, and then that tribe kind of broke apart and then like, this. This work tribe, like our squad, like, especially when we were working together every single day, like, I depended on that a lot, especially when I was in a relationship. Like, there was no room to make friends anywhere else. So, like, yeah, I think I'm just like, I'm waiting for my tribe, like, outside of work.

[Keith]

It's coming, it's coming. It's honestly coming. And then. Then, like, sometimes people, like, leave the tribe too.

[Courtney]

Yeah, it sucks. I think that's what hurts is, like, they're like tribes that ended not on my terms, where it's like, I love that person and then they hurt me or they wronged me and it's like, okay, like, it's over, I guess. Like, it sucks. It sucks when, like, it is like a heartbreak in a way when friendships don't continue, or, like, when you realize someone's not who they thought they were, like, who you thought they were. And I'm trying to understand what they're asking. I, like, totally.

[Olivia]

I also think, like. And I just. I just think that if you open yourself up to some weird opportunities or some weird experiences, you might find your people there. You know, like, I thought my boyfriend. I thought my boyfriend's friends were my friends. They are still my friends. But I also, because of my own personal journey, I have found my personal friends through that journey. And, like, you know, it's such a beautiful thing to, Like, I never thought, like, I always thought, like, my early 20s friends would be, like, my friends. Right. They still are, some of them. But I feel like the ones that I have now are so close and dear to me because I'm in this new path and I'm learning so much and seeing so much. And because of so many things that have happened in the past, like, six months, I've really, like, seen, like, oh, okay, these are my people. Because we don't just care about each other, we care about the world, you know? And like, for me, that's next level. Yeah. And like, for me and my circle of influence, all of them care about the world, and it makes me do the same. And it's not just like us being catty friends talking about random shit. It's like, how do we help elevate us as global citizens or whatever.

[Courtney]

Yeah, there's definitely. There's automatic friends that you kind of like, they're there for you. They're at your disposal that you can just see all the time. And then there's the real friends. Cause there's a super old Tumblr quote that I'm remembering where it's like, take me back. There are friendships where you talk about other people, and then there are friendships where you talk about ideas. Ideas. And like, the ones that you're able to just like, really crack open your brains with each other. Like, that's great.

[Keith]

Yeah, I'm messy. I said I like a little bit of both.

[Courtney]

Me too.

[Keith]

Talk about people, but just like, you know, you just go on.

[Olivia]

Yeah. And like, it's.

[Courtney]

It's.

[Olivia]

It's really great. Like, it's. Yeah, we talk about some stupid stuff.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Olivia]

But then we also freaking talk about, like, hey, what do we want to see in this world? Like, in the next five years? Like, how do we see our lives? Like, and, like. And this, like, past six months, I've just. A lot of people have said that, to be very frank. Like, a lot of people think, oh, well, she's changed or whatever. I'm like, no, I think I've just more definite and strong about my position and how I perceive the world and how I would like to contribute. And I think, yeah, I did change, but not in a bad way. I think if you're not changing, what are you doing? Yeah, you gotta be changing always. And it's my friends who have really opened my eyes to so many things that I don't even think about. One of my best friends is such an animal lover and she has just talked to me and just showed me and just explained to me all these things where I look at living things in such a different way now just because of her influence. And. Yeah, and I just think that I've just been on me personally, this internal growth that I really like when people.

[Courtney]

Try and tell you that you've changed, it's weird that they take your own self growth personally. Yeah, I don't know, I feel like they should look inward at that point.

[Olivia]

I think so too.

[Keith]

People also just get used to being around also. You know what I mean? They get used to you being there the way that they want you to be there. But like with growth.

[Olivia]

And I have to say, during this pandemic, so much stuff happened that have altered. Literally a lot of like friend groups, family dynamics, like the whole thing.

[Jackie]

Yeah.

[Olivia]

And like all this stuff. Like you gotta consider all of these things and it's not just how you feel. You don't know how the other person might be feeling and how they're going through this pandemic. Cause this stuff is hard, hard, you know, like things are limited, but yet not. Because you have access to so many ideas now. But yeah, man, we're living through a time that's like, I mean, this very.

[Courtney]

Interesting, this quarantine has definitely made me realize, like, how much I've neglected friendships and relationships with people. And like, I do have a lot of social anxiety, just like fear of like messing up. So like, I have played it safe and just not pursued anything. And I think my advice to this person asking that question is like, you have to put yourself out there. Like if they aren't, if they're inviting you to things. What I have done is like, I'll make plans and see who will come. I will, I will arrange a thing. Like I like hosting things and I finally like have an apartment that I can fit people in. So like, I look forward to doing more things like that, but just engaging Yourself, like, because if. Especially if, like, everyone is in their own lives, like, you can't expect them to, like, hook you up, up and pull you along. Like, sometimes you gotta really, like, show. Show who you are and put yourself in there.

[Jackie]

So I think it's super important, too, to. I mean, I know we're talking about friendships, but I think it's also important to be a better friend. You also have to, like, be comfortable with, like, yourself and know what. What you like, what you value and, like, spending. That's what this quarantine has done for me. I'm just like, obviously, we're just spending so much time on our own, and it's like, well, what do I want in my life? What energy do I want? Because, like, like, even being like, tribes, sometimes you start taking on other people's characteristics a little bit. Cause you're around each other, but it's like, okay, well, what do you like? And doing the things that you wanna do and that are positive for you also, I definitely believe attracts the right energy to you. You know, it's like, just do the things you wanna do that make you feel good and that make you come alive. Cause the people that are also in that same space will definitely find you and. And, like, they'll be on, like, the same, like, journey or wavelength with you, too.

[Olivia]

If you like to collect Beanie Babies, then Beanie Baby people are gonna. You're gonna attract them.

[Keith]

You can be friends with my mom.

[Olivia]

Yeah, that's the thing. You're attracting Beanie Baby collectors. If you love Beanie Babies a lot.

[Keith]

She likes a little tie. What is it? Is it Ty?

[Olivia]

Ty what?

[Keith]

Is that the. Yeah.

[Olivia]

Ty brand?

[Keith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you like those?

[Jackie]

Yeah, I used to have them.

[Olivia]

Why did you.

[Keith]

I'm obviously.

[Courtney]

You guys, look at me. Of course I like babies. Look at me. Me, I had a little kitten, little horse. That was all the questions, guys.

[Olivia]

Thank you for being so vulnerable. Court.

[Courtney]

It's okay. It was kind of beyond my control.

[Jackie]

She was like, continue.

[Olivia]

I was like. I was like, talking, looking at her. I'm like, she has allergies or crying.

[Courtney]

I was really hoping you wouldn't notice. And I thought that they would dry.

[Jackie]

Back up and go away, but suck it back again.

[Olivia]

Imagine I didn't notice she was falling in front of me. Like. Yeah. So like, friendships.

[Keith]

What if we sucked and said, don't cry.

[Jackie]

Anyway, stop it.

[Courtney]

I was gonna ask one thing from all of you guys. Like, in the friends that you have now, like, what do you. Internally or externally? Like, what do you celebrate or are most thankful for in the friends that you have now? Like, Olivia definitely touched on it. But, like, I'd like to hear, like. Cause I know we sometimes have different kinds of friends for different kinds of things.

[Jackie]

Like you said, like, some we like.

[Courtney]

To just shoot the shit, some we, like, you know, I'm gonna hear it.

[Keith]

Can I just shout out, like, a really good friend of mine who. Who in the last few years that I've known him, has changed my life and just how I look at the world and how I should give and how I should be just a more caring person who checks me when I get into my feisty stages and I'm a little asshole. Like, yo, how would this person feel? You know what I mean? Like, Andrew, bro, I. Thank you. I love you. You're moving away. I'm sad about it. And I love you so much, brother. We're the friends that cry together. And I just want you to know, brother, I love you. And I gotta take some trips to Portland.

[Jackie]

Yeah, let's go.

[Courtney]

I'll go to Portland. Just take me.

[Keith]

Oh, man, he's gonna make fun of me for crying on here. I call him Trash Box and he calls me Treasure Chest. That shows you, like, the dynamic of, like.

[Courtney]

That's cute.

[Olivia]

That's very fucking cute, Andrew.

[Courtney]

I love you, man.

[Keith]

Sorry, go ahead.

[Jackie]

No, I love it. I'm just, like. I also just love watching people, like. I just. I also really enjoy watching people, like, love each other, like, openly. Like, it's. It's very nice. Like, I just love it. Like, honestly, like, sometimes, like, welcome to Pussy Hour. Jesus. Like, no, like, sometimes, like, Keith talk with Keith and like, things like Keith says to me, like, sometimes I'll just, like. I'll think about them, like, later on, like, I'll just be driving and like. Cause like, his words of affirmation are so strong. And like, there's so, like. There's something Keith told me, like, maybe a couple months ago, and he's just like, you know, like, oh, gosh.

[Keith]

So.

[Jackie]

Right. No, he's just like. He's like. You know, like, when people, like, meet me, I want them to be able to see the God in me. And I was just like, oh. Like, that's so. Like, wow. That's so. Like. I don't know. I just. Cause like, I'm also, like, on this, like, journey with, like, religion and stuff and, like, trying to understand what that means to me specifically. So I just, like. I just love. I just love that. Especially with, like, your energy and, like, Your whole vibe and like, everything, it's just like. I'm like, yeah, it's like we. It's like, not like, not necessarily like, see the God, but like just being like, like a positive, like, energy in the world and just. It's like, I just. I just love that so much.

[Keith]

My eyes over here.

[Olivia]

I'm not gonna cry.

[Keith]

Look, Olivia, take us home with some tears. Oh, Jackie, I love you. I love you.

[Olivia]

I just have some really, really, really good friends in my life and like, the ones that have been with me, like, since I was really young and the new ones that I've made on the way, like, I love my friends so much. You know, it's like a two way street. We all work on it together. And I would say, like, this is a big shout out to my boyfriend Sam. He has really showed me, like, how to be a really honest friend, you know, he is so honest with all of his friends. And like, I see it and I'm like, man, I'm like, this is so refreshing because I feel like a lot of us, like, try and hide or like they don't want to offend, you know, the other person. But my boyfriend is. This whole thing, I think is just honesty. Like, he is always like, this friendship is worth it for me. And I'm gonna be so honest. And when I'm upset or when you're upset, we can openly talk about it because that's how they're. And all his friendships, you know, grow because of the honest conversations that he has with them. And like, yeah, I'm not gonna cry right now.

[Jackie]

That's fine.

[Keith]

That's fine.

[Courtney]

We did enough for everyone.

[Keith]

Yeah, we got like a stream back here.

[Jackie]

Can I shut up? Can I shout out my friends?

[Courtney]

Yes.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Jackie]

Between my own.

[Courtney]

I was talking with Keith and I.

[Jackie]

Was like, oh, no.

[Courtney]

My friends are like.

[Jackie]

I mean, it's basically what Olivia said. But like, I just. The friends that I've stayed the closest with in the past, like, 10 years are all the people that kind of like, helped me through just like a really, really rough time. Just like a very hard time with, like, dealing with loss and stuff. And like, when they were. It's like they were willing to be honest with me and they were still willing to, like, raise me up during that time. And. And also too, like, I just have some friends in my life that no matter where I'm at, like. Cause it's like as like a performer, like, that's like. I was like, I can't see myself doing anything else. Right. So it's like they've just shown up for me, like, every, like every step of the way. Like, if it's like, well wishes or anything like that. And also, like, again, like, being very, like, active and like, we can have discussions about, like, what's going on, like, in the world and stuff, but I don't know, they're just. Those are my closest friends or people that are honest with me can give me, like, real ass feedback and be like, hey, that's not okay. Hey, we're learning together at the same time. And just like, just, just know that, like, this is our, like, our conversations are a safe space. And it's like, you. This is, this is where you can make that mistake and I will correct you. Honestly. It's like, ask, ask me the question because I will tell you what's, what's up, what's not. And it's not out of a place of love. And it's like, very rarely angry. Like, I haven't been in, like, a fight with, like, someone I consider my friend in a very long time because it never, like, gets to that place where it's like, I'm like, hey, this is where I'm at. This is, you know me. I know you. Like, like, oh, I pushed a button. I'm so, like, I'm sorry. I'm like, like, I can apologize before it even gets to that level, because I know that so well.

[Olivia]

So you gotta have friends that go to your funeral and your wedding that celebrate you and can go through the bad times with you.

[Jackie]

That's good.

[Courtney]

I think every person deserves a safe space. Like, I feel like everyone should have, like, that group of friends where you can be vulnerable and like, say things that you might be afraid, make you seem like a bad person or like those, those opinions or like, the feelings about a certain person. Like, you deserve to. To have a place where you don't have to, like, be on for people. Because I feel like a lot of people struggle with that or they think they have to, like, always be performing and, and to keep their friendship. Yeah, keeping those brownie brownie points up. Like, no, you deserve, like, it's almost like they become a family in a sense where it's like, hey, we don't have to all be amazing all the time. I feel like I've evolved. I'm very, very, very definitely different from who I was, like, in high school, community college, like, before this job, like, this job has changed me.

[Olivia]

So. Congratulations.

[Courtney]

Thank you. I needed it. So I think that's also part of maybe Why I don't have a lot of the friends from the past because even though we still follow each other on Instagram and stuff, like, I'm different and, like, they know someone who I'm not anymore. So that's probably why I don't have those people. But, like, the people that I am close with, like, we're there for each other when it matters most. Like, I had a friend. I'm gonna shout her out. I love Bri so much.

[Keith]

That's a feeling.

[Courtney]

I'm just shouting her out. And her boyfriend is an awesome dude. Like, she was going through some tough times, and I was just like, just come here. She drove an hour or two to stay with me for the weekend. Like, when she needed somebody, I was like, bitch, come over. Like, so I do. I, I, I appreciate her. And, like, she, she loves hearing everything about my life. Like, I feel I normally, like, only with my therapist be able to, like, selfishly just talk about my life and myself. But, like, Bri is always down to hear all the drama or just, like, all my feelings. And then, like, I'm always down to hear what she's going through. And we have the same morals and everything.

[Olivia]

Like, that's a good.

[Courtney]

So she's great. But yeah. And I love you guys.

[Keith]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

I think, like, we've all kind of been friends for different amounts of time, but, like, I know I'm new.

[Keith]

I've just got here. Can I say one thing that you're part of this one thing that Andrew said to me that I think relates here for all of us. Andrew said we were around the fire in the back of their house, him and his roommates, and he, like, brought me a drink. He was like, here you go. But he said, we got at least 50 more years together. And I feel like that about, like, y'all, like, just to be able to do this with you guys and have this type of, like, baby, like, 50 years. Like, woo.

[Olivia]

I might die.

[Keith]

Like, but like, anybody but, like, just to think. I've never thought that deep into friendship. Like, that's like the person that's, like, changed it for me. Like, the game, like, 50 more years. Damn, you gonna be around. You like, you, you're gonna be around.

[Courtney]

Like, they wanna be around.

[Keith]

Yeah. Like, even with them moving, it's like.

[Jackie]

Damn, they're gonna be around.

[Keith]

You're gonna be around. Like, that's like, sorry to bring it back to Andrew.

[Olivia]

We ought to meet this guy sometime.

[Courtney]

Oh, my God.

[Keith]

Yes. 100.

[Courtney]

All right. Do you guys want to turn it around? A little bit. We can finish this out with a shoot, dude.

[Olivia]

Yeah. Yeah, let's do it.

[Jackie]

Shoot, dude. Shoot, dude. Shoot, dude.

[Olivia]

Shoot, dude.

[Jackie]

Shoot, shoot, shoot.

[Courtney]

Shoot, dude. All right, so let's see what Lindsay has to say. I worked at a very large bookstore chain for about six months, and there was a tall, dark British man who would occasionally come in and ask for help finding things or checking on help held orders. I was convinced this was my future husband, but because of the pressure of a potential wedding he knew nothing about, I couldn't talk to him. That's such a great way to. I kept my mouth shut most of the time to avoid saying something stupid or trying to avoid him altogether. But one of my co workers would go as far as to make him wait until I was free to help. Free meaning. She cornered me. One day I was working in the music and movie section alone, and he walked in and asked to check on a held DVD order. When he was done, he said to me in his perfect British accent, thanks, love. Out of my mouth came something between. Between you're welcome and no problem. So I enthusiastically said, you problem. There was no recovery. There was no effort. I just walked away. It worked out for me because not long after that, I met my actual dream guy, and we're getting married next year. But I hope the beautiful British man forgives me for ruining our almost marriage, because I clearly, I am a cat.

[Olivia]

That's very sweet.

[Jackie]

Sweet.

[Courtney]

Oh, my God.

[Olivia]

That's so cute.

[Jackie]

You problem. Problem.

[Courtney]

That's really funny.

[Jackie]

That's so cute.

[Courtney]

That's so funny. Funny way to put it like that. That's the pressure of a potential marriage, so I was afraid to say anything. That's really funny. Would you call that a shoot, dude? Is that an embarrassing. It's a little embarrassing.

[Olivia]

I think it's so cute.

[Jackie]

No, that's like a little slip.

[Courtney]

It's okay.

[Olivia]

She's a good story. Storyteller.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Jackie]

Oops. Dude. What is the potential. What was the potential marriage part like, who's.

[Olivia]

Just the pressure. She's like, yeah, it's like her fantasizing about there.

[Courtney]

She was convinced he was a dream guy, so, like, yeah. Oh, my God. Like, I love him. I want to marry him. So she was so nervous at ruining a potential marriage, or. Yeah, I would assume that was the gender, but I don't know.

[Jackie]

I get that. Yeah, for sure.

[Courtney]

Oh, we got some stuff to do today, don't we?

[Keith]

Yeah. My face feels dry from all the crying.

[Jackie]

I know.

[Keith]

So I kind of, like, want to.

[Courtney]

Go to the I know. I want to run straight to the mirror.

[Keith]

Yeah.

[Olivia]

All right. I want some Hawaiian bread.

[Courtney]

What? This Hawaiian bread.

[Olivia]

I just want some Hawaiian bread.

[Courtney]

That sounds good.

[Jackie]

That sounds good.

[Courtney]

All right. Love you guys. Thanks for hanging out with me.

[Jackie]

Bye.

[Olivia]

Thank you. D by.

[Ryan]

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[Unknown]

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