S3 Ep2: #2 - Reading Bad 2 Sentence Horror Stories w/ Damien Haas

Summary

Podcast Summary: Smosh Mouth - S3 Ep2: #2 - Reading Bad 2 Sentence Horror Stories w/ Damien Haas

Host(s): Shayne Topp (Shane Madej), Amanda Lehan-Canto (Amanda LeCount)
Guest: Damien Haas
Release Date: July 3, 2023
Duration: Approximately 64 minutes

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1. Introduction and Guest Welcome (00:04 - 01:20)

The episode kicks off with a warm welcome to their guest, Damien Haas, who joins hosts Amanda LeCount and Shane Madej. The hosts humorously describe Damien as "the spookiest person" in the Smosh ensemble, setting the tone for the episode's spooky theme.

Notable Quote:
Shane Madej (00:39): "This episode is a little spooky."

2. Setting the Spooky Atmosphere (01:20 - 03:25)

The conversation delves into spooky topics, with Damien highlighting Amanda's affinity for all things eerie. Amanda shares her penchant for Halloween decor, including skeletons that "just dance," while the hosts joke about the types of monsters they find cool, ultimately settling on skeletons as the top tier.

Notable Quote:
Damien Haas (02:20): "Skeletons, I think, are the most rad."

3. Discussing Personal Fears and Social Anxiety (03:25 - 15:14)

The trio transitions into a candid discussion about personal fears and social anxiety. Damien opens up about his irrational fears, such as paperwork leading to legal troubles and awkward interactions in elevators. Shane concurs, expressing his discomfort with small talk and the fear of being trapped in endless conversations. Amanda reflects on her own anxiety, particularly the fear of being misunderstood.

Notable Quotes:
Damien Haas (08:05): "Can we make this a two sentence horror story?"
Shane Madej (09:55): "I think that I also have social anxiety."

4. Introduction to Two Sentence Horror Stories (15:14 - 19:04)

Damien introduces the segment on "bad two sentence horror stories," a popular format from a subreddit where users craft concise horror narratives. He explains the rules and sets the stage for sharing some examples, highlighting both effective and intentionally bad stories for comedic effect.

Notable Quote:
Damien Haas (19:04): "These are some of the best of all time. Like, these are solid ones."

5. Reading and Reacting to Bad Two Sentence Horror Stories (19:04 - 43:37)

The hosts take turns reading various two sentence horror stories, many of which miss the mark humorously. They dissect each story, often laughing at the absurdity and poor execution. Themes range from misunderstood messages to bizarre creature encounters, with Amanda and Shane providing witty commentary and humorous interpretations.

Notable Quotes:
Amanda LeCount (23:04): "Come down here for a minute, won't you, sweetie? Screamed my mother from downstairs."
Shane Madej (25:54): "I kinda don't get it."

6. Transition to Dungeons & Dragons Discussion (43:37 - 60:00)

After the horror story segment, the conversation shifts to their newfound interest in Dungeons & Dragons (D&D). Damien shares his excitement about being the Dungeon Master (DM) and describes the characters they’ve created. Amanda and Shane discuss their roles and the improvisational aspects of their game, highlighting the fun and creativity it brings to the podcast.

Notable Quotes:
Amanda LeCount (56:00): "She's very, very motherly. And she just, to me, she feels like, not your typical mom."
Shane Madej (60:00): "Dolores Paradise, which is a kind of tribute to my old piano teacher."

7. Character Development and Campaign Overview (60:00 - 63:56)

The hosts delve deeper into their D&D characters, describing their backstories and personalities. Amanda praises Shane's character development, appreciating his improvisational skills. Damien describes his character as a "giant, like 8 foot tall wooden robot," blending elements from various fictional beings. They discuss the collaborative storytelling process and the unique dynamic it brings to their interactions.

Notable Quotes:
Shane Madej (62:38): "It's all just us doing improv as characters."
Damien Haas (63:04): "It's just a bunch of us doing improv as characters. The actual D&D aspects are so minor."

8. Final Two Sentence Horror Stories and Wrap-Up (63:56 - 64:33)

Returning briefly to their two sentence horror stories, the hosts share a few more examples before concluding the episode. They encourage listeners to engage by sharing their favorite scary creatures and invite feedback on the stories presented.

Notable Quotes:
Damien Haas (63:52): "Comment down below. What's the scariest creature?"
Shane Madej (64:23): "If your creature matches our creature, yeah, yeah, yeah."

Key Takeaways and Themes

• Humor in Horror: The episode cleverly blends spooky themes with humor, particularly through the exploration of bad two sentence horror stories.

• Vulnerability and Relatability: By discussing personal fears and social anxiety, the hosts create a relatable atmosphere for listeners.

• Collaborative Creativity: The introduction of D&D showcases the hosts' creative teamwork and improvisational skills, adding depth to their podcast dynamics.

• Engagement and Community: The hosts actively encourage listener participation, fostering a sense of community around shared interests in horror and gaming.

Notable Highlights

• Amusing Two Sentence Horror Stories: The segment featuring intentionally bad horror stories provided both laughs and cringe-worthy moments, exemplifying the hosts' chemistry and playful banter.

• Dungeons & Dragons Integration: The in-depth discussion about their D&D campaign revealed the hosts' enthusiasm for storytelling and character development, offering fans a peek into their creative processes.

• Personal Anecdotes: Amanda's story about the haunting porcelain clown doll added a genuine spooky touch, balancing the humorous elements with authentic eerie experiences.

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Conclusion

Smosh Mouth's Episode S3 Ep2: #2 delivered a delightful mix of spooky discussions, humorous horror storytelling, and engaging conversations about Dungeons & Dragons. With Damien Haas as a guest, the hosts navigated through personal fears, laughed over bad horror stories, and enthusiastically shared their foray into collaborative gaming. This episode stands out for its balance of humor and genuine spooky vibes, making it an entertaining listen for both regular fans and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Damien Haas]

Welcome back to the smoshcast. I'm here with my co host, Amanda.

[Shane Madej]

And I'm here with my co host, Shane.

[Damien Haas]

Thank you, Amanda. And our guest today, I'm pretty stoked about it. He's a cool guy. Damien Haas. Yeah.

[Amanda LeCount]

Wow. It's really great to be here, you guys. Thank you.

[Shane Madej]

You're so welcome. There was a long list of people who wanted to be here, and we bumped you up to the top.

[Amanda LeCount]

They all somehow got food poisoning. We don't know how. They'll never catch them.

[Shane Madej]

What did you do?

[Amanda LeCount]

Well, I spit.

[Shane Madej]

Okay, great. This is perfect because this episode is a little spooky.

[Amanda LeCount]

Uh. Oh, it's a little spooky.

[Damien Haas]

So, Damian, I would say out of everyone on Smosh, you're probably the spookiest person.

[Amanda LeCount]

Thank you.

[Damien Haas]

I feel like that fits.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah. You're like a ghoul.

[Amanda LeCount]

Thank you. I like that. I appreciate that.

[Damien Haas]

You're a little bit like.

[Shane Madej]

We're a little bit like, ooh, here comes Damien. I'm so interested in him, but also ghoul.

[Amanda LeCount]

I feel seen right now. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep, so the bags under the eyes, the, like, sunken, skeletal features, like, that definitely plays into it.

[Shane Madej]

No, your skin still looks great.

[Amanda LeCount]

Thank you. I do moisturize. And I just started a new eye cream.

[Shane Madej]

I know. You told me.

[Amanda LeCount]

Shane, please give us a moment. Yeah. So avocado extract. It's really helping us. Gorgeous.

[Shane Madej]

Absolutely gorgeous.

[Damien Haas]

What are you guys talking about?

[Shane Madej]

Oh. Good night.

[Damien Haas]

Good night. So with it being spooky, I've got some fun topics for us to talk about. I also pulled a bunch of bad two sentence horrors, which are. Damien, I. We're huge fans of it. Amanda.

[Shane Madej]

I don't know if I'm a newbie to that. Like, I don't think I've ever known about two sentence horrors, but I do love horror movies and everything that is horror. I don't like gore, though.

[Damien Haas]

Okay, that's fair. But you're gonna love. You're gonna love bad two sentence horror. It is the best.

[Amanda LeCount]

Do you know. Have you. Are you familiar with, like, good two sentence horror and, like, how it started?

[Damien Haas]

I've got something. I got some. Don't worry. I got a whole plan for it.

[Amanda LeCount]

And then, hey, man, I'm a guest. Why don't you drive? I'm. I'm. I'm a. I'm a passenger.

[Damien Haas]

And then towards the end, I would love for us to create some of the worst, stupidest demons on the planet. Maybe some that we already know. Of, I don't know. But, you know, to start off, Damian, the reason I picked the spooky stuff is obviously you're a spooky person in a fun way.

[Amanda LeCount]

Thanks. It is fun. Spooky. I have a board game area in my living space, but when it's not being actively used by people, I do have, like, Halloween skeletons sitting at the table. Because that's, like, fun.

[Shane Madej]

Exactly.

[Amanda LeCount]

Actual spooky.

[Shane Madej]

That's why I said ghoul, because to me, ghouls are a blast.

[Damien Haas]

Yeah, ghouls are a. Ghouls are a cool. There are some. There's like a hierarchy of what monsters are cool and which are lame. I. I think skeletons, Number one top skeletons. Party.

[Amanda LeCount]

Really?

[Damien Haas]

Skeletons totally party.

[Amanda LeCount]

That's interesting to me.

[Damien Haas]

Skeletons, I think, are the most rad.

[Shane Madej]

Agreed.

[Damien Haas]

I actually think vampires not as cool nowadays. Really? They got overplayed. They got overused. Now skeleton's in, skeleton is in you.

[Shane Madej]

Like, they have such a great sense of humor.

[Damien Haas]

They're so good.

[Shane Madej]

They've got a funny bone. I'm not good at that.

[Damien Haas]

I do agree about ghouls, though. They're up there too.

[Amanda LeCount]

But why? Let me ask you this. You know, ghouls have to consume human flesh. Vampires have to consume blood. Why are vampires not so cool? But ghouls are awesome to you?

[Damien Haas]

I forgot that we're talking to our spooky friend. So he knows all the lore behind all this. I didn't know that about ghouls.

[Amanda LeCount]

No, because I didn't know that either. But my neighbor is a ghoul.

[Shane Madej]

Okay. Worst demon ever.

[Damien Haas]

Ever. My neighbor is a ghoul.

[Amanda LeCount]

I sleep in a coffin. Do you want to go back to my place? It's the graveyard.

[Shane Madej]

Wait a second. Ghouls eat human flesh.

[Amanda LeCount]

That's what a ghoul is? Yeah. Oh, so you thought they were awesome and you didn't even know they made it?

[Shane Madej]

The whole thing drank martinis and had big top hats, and they were like, kind of.

[Amanda LeCount]

Well, now you're talking about vampires.

[Damien Haas]

See, in my mind, skeletons do cocaine. Oh, I'm not kidding.

[Amanda LeCount]

Oh. That's why they don't have the nose.

[Damien Haas]

They're just.

[Amanda LeCount]

It ate away.

[Damien Haas]

So we can consume more cocaine.

[Shane Madej]

I love cocaine.

[Amanda LeCount]

Just in one, big, like, womp. Like, just. They don't even need the rolled up dollar bill. They're just using, like, a toilet paper roll to, like, thunk. Just riding that triangle.

[Damien Haas]

I never imagined. And I. You know, there's not any horror movies about skeletons, really? Like, not. Not like, oh, that skeleton's coming to kill you. They're always just kind of played as like a bit part in like the background. And it's usually a cartoon and they're always dancing.

[Amanda LeCount]

They're playing xylophones on their own.

[Shane Madej]

They're just, they're just there to have a good time. They're the type of person who's like, hold on.

[Damien Haas]

Okay, keep this in. Speaking of spooky, before we started, you're are. I hope you're hearing this. Before we started, there was some crazy stuff happening and then there's like weird water drainage stuff. It was actually very spooky sounding. And then that just sounded spooky.

[Shane Madej]

It sounded like someone was like.

[Amanda LeCount]

Wait, can we make this a two sentence horror story? Cause I have a thought. It's a. It's like, it's like the podcast was interrupted by the sound of pipes and screams from the second story. It was scary because they were filming in their one story ranch home.

[Shane Madej]

Is that two sentences?

[Damien Haas]

Is that two sentences? I think that's two sentences, yeah.

[Shane Madej]

Fuck yeah.

[Amanda LeCount]

They were just long sentences. I use compound sentences.

[Damien Haas]

That was good.

[Amanda LeCount]

I passed English.

[Shane Madej]

I loved it.

[Amanda LeCount]

Thank you. You're great.

[Shane Madej]

You're great. Bye, Shane.

[Damien Haas]

Yeah, see ya. Damien. Something fascinating about you is that I think things that scare most people you love. And like I'm thinking about like clowns.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah.

[Damien Haas]

Fucking love clowns so much. Tell that. Have you told Amanda the story about the clown in the attic?

[Amanda LeCount]

Oh yeah, the clown in the attic.

[Damien Haas]

We're starting off good here.

[Shane Madej]

I'm not prepared.

[Amanda LeCount]

I will say before that real quick. I don't know what it is, but I always liked spooky stuff and didn't have an issue with it. Like, the first thing I ever asked my mom to teach me how to draw was, was a skeleton. I just like, you know, had a big old sheet of paper. I'm like, can you teach me how to draw a skeleton? So like, I like that kind of stuff. But okay, so back in my home in Georgia, I was like a kid. I was home alone and I forget what I needed or why I went up there. But you know, it was a two story home and then an attic. So I go over to the attic. It's a really creaky ladder situation and you can't turn on the light until you like walk in the dark for a minute and like hit the little pull string. So I do that and in the corner I start to hear this like tinkly little almost like music box music. And there is this porcelain clown doll and its head is like moving. It's not rotating. It's like if you were to try to stretch out your neck for anybody at home who's listening to this on audio, it was just like leaning its head to the left and the right and back and all that stuff while playing that music. And I see it and I'm like, oh, poor little guy stuck up here in the attic. And I bring it down to my room.

[Shane Madej]

What?

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah. And I just kept it in my room for the rest of like my teenage years staying there. And it was. It's so sweet. And so like, apparently, like, obviously that would have scared a lot of people because clowns and nits playing music. But like, apparently it was given to my sister as a terrible Valentine's Day gift by a crappy ex boyfriend or whatever.

[Damien Haas]

And she just put it up in the attic.

[Amanda LeCount]

She just put it up in the attic. But like, you know, that's not scary to me. Cause I'm just like. I'm like, poor little thing, poor little thing.

[Shane Madej]

It was fucking cracking its neck by itself in the attic in your home.

[Amanda LeCount]

Poor little thing. It was a wind up doll and it was meant to do that. And it was all by itself playing music to keep sane.

[Shane Madej]

Who wound him up?

[Amanda LeCount]

That's the thing. Amanda, a little something. Maybe you heard it called the Lord.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah.

[Damien Haas]

The light of Christ.

[Amanda LeCount]

Find the Christian God.

[Shane Madej]

I am out of here. That clown would have been in the trash. Not in my house. In someone else's house.

[Amanda LeCount]

I tell you what, Tell you what, tell me. If a clown ghost starts to haunt somebody, who do you think they're going after? The one that showed it respect and brought it to a nice warm room or the one who chucked it in a dumpster?

[Damien Haas]

Good point.

[Shane Madej]

Just saying I think I'm haunted anyway, so whatever.

[Damien Haas]

I like you finding the clown and being like, wow, look what Jesus does. Does. And the demon in the corner being like, oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, I found the spookiest kid.

[Damien Haas]

You know how hard it is for me to wind that toy up as a demon? It's really hard.

[Amanda LeCount]

Oh, goodness.

[Damien Haas]

Pissed.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, God, I love that.

[Damien Haas]

Is there anything? Because I feel like legitimately scary. Like, things like that don't scare you?

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah.

[Damien Haas]

Are there? But I feel like stupid things scare you. Like I get scared by stupid stuff.

[Amanda LeCount]

What do you mean by stupid?

[Damien Haas]

I'll give you an example.

[Amanda LeCount]

Please.

[Damien Haas]

I was thinking about this today. So for one, paperwork scares the shit out of me. Because every time I handle paperwork, I think I'm gonna get Sued or I'm gonna end up in jail, Any kind of paperwork. But here's a really stupid one. This is a super irrational thing. And it's not even like social anxiety. It taps into something dumber, I think. Whenever I'm in a public space and I get into an elevator and there's someone. There's someone just far enough that you. You shouldn't hold the door open for them. They're too awkwardly far away. But it becomes this thing in my head where I'm suddenly pressing the button and I'm like, oh, my God, oh my God, oh my God. And like, I. I'm like, I'm just like, please shut, please. And as soon as it shuts and I'm good, I'm like. I'm like, whoa. Oh my God, that was close. And I'm like, for what? Like. Cuz whenever they do make it and they get in, I'm just like, hey, how's it going, man? How's it going? But I don't know what it is.

[Shane Madej]

I couldn't agree. I actually could not agree more. I think that I also have social anxiety. Like when there's someone coming to the elevator, you're like, I just hit door close, door close, door closed. Because I don't. I get so terrified of having those. Really. Like, I think I'm terrified of small talk.

[Damien Haas]

Small talk.

[Shane Madej]

I think that's what it is. It's like, hey, hey. Floor too. Yep. And then the silence is the worst. And then you're like, are they gonna continue or do I have to continue?

[Amanda LeCount]

That's so interesting. It's terrifying because I. I have. First of all, I. I know you prefaced your story where you're like, it's not even a social anxiety situation. It is. That's. That's exactly what that is. That's what that is. But I feel like it also becomes.

[Damien Haas]

A little bit of a game too, in my head.

[Amanda LeCount]

Okay.

[Damien Haas]

I'm just like, are they gonna make it bread from the monster?

[Shane Madej]

Are they gonna make it bread from the monster?

[Damien Haas]

I don't know. But I do have social anxiety. I'm not denying that. But it also feels just like, dumber.

[Amanda LeCount]

I just want to be like, you know, as a friend. You're like, it's not social anxiety. I don't know what it is. And then you described social anxiety, so I was like, well, I actually got great news for you. But the thing is, I have social anxiety too. But for whatever reason, small talk on an elevator, love it. Really couldn't love it more I was in an elevator the other day with an old lady, and she legitimately started talking about the weather. And I really like to. Like, I don't consciously do this, but, like, I mirror people and so, like, I try to pick up. Not even again intentionally, but, like, I pick up their vibe. And so, like, you do what?

[Damien Haas]

So this old woman was talking to me, and I turned around and I go, yeah.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yes.

[Damien Haas]

She's back to you.

[Shane Madej]

Grandson's coming in today, and I'm gonna cook paprosh. She's like, me, too, young boy. And her head is about to pop. Pop her neck.

[Damien Haas]

And it turns out she's a ghoul.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yes. And now we're full circle. No, but, like, if she's like an old lady and her vibe is, like, talking about the weather, then I also want to have a very gentle but very, like, direct opinion on the weather. So she'll be like, ah, this rain has been wild. And I'm like, I know, but we needed it, huh? And that's what people who talk about the weather always say, but we needed it, huh? Like, that's the proper response. How are you? Good. How are you? How about this weather? Yeah, but we needed it, huh? Like, it's. You just play the social game for a minute, and then they walk away being like, what a nice interaction. And you go, idiots. I wasn't even there mentally.

[Shane Madej]

See, I'm afraid. I guess I'm okay with that, but I'm afraid of the continuing. I'm like, what am I going to end up promising them that I'm going to have to do? Like. Like, that's my biggest thing is, like, if it can. Like, if I'm getting a bottle of wine, they're like, you need any help? My normal thought is like, nope. But sometimes I'm like, okay, Amanda, open the door. So I'm like, yeah, I need a little help. And then, you know, you pay, and then you're still there and they're still in the conversation. You're like, am I gonna have to invite this person over? Like, is that what is needed of me? That's my own fear.

[Amanda LeCount]

Do you mind if I ask? This might be a little personal. And if this is not the vibe for the podcast, let me know. But are you. Would you consider yourself a people pleaser? Like, do you have a hard time saying no to things?

[Shane Madej]

Yes, big time. It's something I'm definitely working on. Like, I'm like, I need to stop promising that I will watch that person's. You know, I don't know, dog or pets for, like, two months. Although I do love watching dogs. See, that's the issue. I'm a people pleaser, but I love people and I love dogs.

[Damien Haas]

But you need to love yourself.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, honey.

[Amanda LeCount]

It's about the balance, though, right? Cause, like, I'm a recovering people pleaser, and I love being polite. I love having great connections with people. But, like, as soon as that becomes less convenient to you for a stranger, you stop. Like, I answered the phone today on my way over to work, and it was just like, hi, is this Damian? I'm like, who may I ask is calling? They're like, this is Bill. Whatever. For the coalition of police. And I immediately hung up. I wasn't like, oh, I'm busy on my way to work, and I'm so sorry, I can't, because they're gonna have a script that they have. I was just like, beep. And then. And then I blocked the number. And then never again. And you're good.

[Damien Haas]

You're done.

[Shane Madej]

Does anything scare you, Damien Haas?

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah.

[Damien Haas]

Does anything stupid scare you?

[Shane Madej]

Yes.

[Damien Haas]

Like, there's real things that we're all scared of?

[Shane Madej]

Yes.

[Damien Haas]

What's something stupid?

[Amanda LeCount]

The darkness in my own mind. No, no, physically.

[Shane Madej]

Because it does seem like social stuff really scares you.

[Amanda LeCount]

Social stuff does, but it's. It's. I'm. You know, I've been in therapy and, like, working past that actively. But I think the thing that is the biggest fear for me, anxiety wise, is being misunderstood. Like, if someone is frustrated because they're. They misunderstood something that you did or like, if, like. Cause, like, if I make a mistake and it's clear that I made a mistake, I have no problem owning whatever consequences come from it, I can apologize. And if people need space or they don't want to be a friend anymore, it's like, that sucks. But I understand it. But when someone doesn't get your meaning or intention, like, if I send a message and I'm like, oh, I think that might have misinterpreted it that way. Like, what if they're mad at me? That sucks. And those are the thoughts that stick with me that I really have to put to bed and, like, let go of control.

[Shane Madej]

Right.

[Damien Haas]

Text messages are definitely a scary.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah, text messages are scary. Also, group texts are very. Can be very scary. If you are put on a group text where you're like, oh, my. And you don't know half the numbers, and it's like, you don't remember, and they're trying to organize something, and you're like, and then when they all send GIFs. GIFs. How do you fucking say it? When they all send gifs and gifs and it just keeps going and you can't get off.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah.

[Damien Haas]

Yeah. I've never talked about this before. I got added into a group, like on Twitter messages. I got added to a group, like, group chat thing on private messages and Twitter of a bunch of really funny accounts like that I was a huge fan of.

[Amanda LeCount]

You told me about this one.

[Damien Haas]

And I was like, holy crap. I think all of these accounts are so funny. They're all just kind of talking the shit. And sometimes they would pitch tweets and I'd be like, oh man, it's so funny. But I never said anything. So I was just like, oh, this is a lot of pressure. I eventually had a dumb tweet. Not even gonna say, cuz it was just so stupid. But it was one of those memes where it was like the hands shaking. Yeah. Kind of thing. And you have the emoji of the hands shaking and you have these two things. And I kind of. I typed it all out. This. This tweet that I was thinking of. I posted it there. And then the formatting just fell apart. And it looked so bad. And I was like, God damn. They had. They just. They made fun of a little bit. Nobody was like, making fun of me. Like, they just. They're just laughing at everything. They're gonna continue like they. Yes. Anded it. Essentially. It was okay. If I remember correctly, it was. It was me on Tinder the Monkey from Indiana Jones. Bad dates.

[Shane Madej]

And it was like, oh.

[Damien Haas]

And it came up to look like Tinder the Monkey from it.

[Shane Madej]

First of all, you didn't need bad formatting.

[Damien Haas]

That was bad. Oh, God.

[Amanda LeCount]

What? Wow.

[Damien Haas]

I don't know. I was under a lot of pressure.

[Amanda LeCount]

And you're like.

[Shane Madej]

You're like, yeah, guys, I love this group. And everyone's like, oh, no.

[Damien Haas]

And then they kicked me off. No. Eventually it just kind of disbanded.

[Amanda LeCount]

But this is when you tried to finally dance in front of the popular kids at prom. You're like, this is my moment.

[Damien Haas]

I was just like, did you tell them what?

[Shane Madej]

You were like, hey, guys, the format, Wow.

[Damien Haas]

I don't know.

[Shane Madej]

Let me resend it. And then you resend it. It's the same format.

[Amanda LeCount]

It's worse.

[Damien Haas]

It felt like bumble a chimp.

[Amanda LeCount]

How did that even happen? I didn't even write those.

[Damien Haas]

It felt like, I think you should leave sketch. Like, I don't what happened. The words are so weird.

[Amanda LeCount]

I didn't send that. I didn't send that.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, my God.

[Damien Haas]

Okay. Okay.

[Amanda LeCount]

So anything scare me? Deep, deep, deep ocean.

[Damien Haas]

Yeah, you do have thalassophobia.

[Amanda LeCount]

I wouldn't say it's.

[Damien Haas]

But that's not an irrational fear. The deep ocean's really scary.

[Shane Madej]

It's terrifying.

[Amanda LeCount]

I think deep ocean is terrifying whenever, like, we find something that, like all the rules that you've been taught about life in just existing on the Earth, you're like, that's not supposed to be a thing. Where they're like, they've got those jellyfish with the, like, 8 foot or like 12 foot long tentacles that just dangle down and pitch.

[Damien Haas]

Oh, there's ones that's longer.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah, like the Meg.

[Damien Haas]

Yeah, like the Meg.

[Shane Madej]

The Meg is like a real thing. The Megalodon.

[Damien Haas]

Shut up, Meg.

[Shane Madej]

Big time. I'm Meg and I'm gonna eat your ship. That's what the Meg sounds like. That's my. The Meg impression.

[Damien Haas]

Oh, the Meg the movie.

[Shane Madej]

The Meg the movie.

[Damien Haas]

Not Meg. No, not Meg Griffin.

[Shane Madej]

No, Megalodon. Like, I feel like if Megalodon talked, it would be like, I'm Meg and I'm gonna eat your ship.

[Damien Haas]

That makes it less scary.

[Amanda LeCount]

Oh. Cause they've got that crimped, like, nasal passages.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah.

[Amanda LeCount]

Because their mouths are so big.

[Shane Madej]

Or it could be like a Meg.

[Damien Haas]

And I'm about to eat your ship.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Shane Madej]

She's a woman.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah, of course.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah.

[Amanda LeCount]

She's a powerful lady. She's powerful in the fish world. Everything is, you know, very interesting when it comes to, you know, reproduction. So, like, the female Meg might be colossal, and the male Meg might be like a turtle, and you just don't know it. And he just docks for like a minute.

[Shane Madej]

It just docks and they hook up and she just destroys it. Come in there.

[Damien Haas]

That is a real thing. For the angler fish or football Angler fish. The male anglerfish just kind of attach to the woman's body and they dissolve and just kind of like become part of the.

[Amanda LeCount]

He becomes like a living set of. On her body. And so she just then has both parts.

[Damien Haas]

Literally takes his. It's awesome. Okay, so we've gotten past our stupid fears. Okay, let's get into Two Sentence Horror.

[Shane Madej]

Yes.

[Damien Haas]

This stuff is so much fun. I've been looking forward to this. So I pulled some legitimate two sentence horrors.

[Amanda LeCount]

I love these.

[Damien Haas]

For those watching for Amanda, let me refresh. Two Sentence Horror is a subreddit where people can submit a two sentence horror story, but it has to be two sentences, no less. No more. And a lot of them are genuinely very good. So I'm going to read a couple that I've pulled. These are some of the, like.

[Shane Madej]

These are the good ones.

[Damien Haas]

These are some of the best of all time. Like, these are solid ones.

[Amanda LeCount]

No creature in these.

[Damien Haas]

Oh, just.

[Amanda LeCount]

We'll get to the creature later.

[Damien Haas]

My sister says that Mommy killed her. Mommy says that. I don't have a sister.

[Amanda LeCount]

Oo just got chills.

[Shane Madej]

A24. Picked that shit up.

[Amanda LeCount]

They did. It's called the va vitch. They made it.

[Damien Haas]

Here's our next one. I wake up and everything feels wrong. It's too quiet outside. I look out the window and see everyone standing still, looking at my house.

[Amanda LeCount]

I would argue, what's the punctuation on that one?

[Damien Haas]

So that's. You've got a semi colon. You got a semicolon on one of those things.

[Amanda LeCount]

Okay.

[Damien Haas]

No, that was three. It was two. But it was one of the sentences. I wake up and everything feels wrong. Semicolon. It's too quiet outside.

[Amanda LeCount]

That's fair.

[Damien Haas]

It is. It's a. Some of them stretch it.

[Amanda LeCount]

Okay. Semicolon is in two sentence horror stories. The, like, equivalent of. Well, there's no rule saying a dog can't play basketball. It's the air bud of two sentence horror. Like, okay, maybe, sure.

[Damien Haas]

The doctors told the amputee he might experience a phantom limb from time to time. Nobody prepared him for the moments, though, when he felt cold fingers brush across his phantom hand. Solid.

[Shane Madej]

You know? That reminds me of that old. Old, like, scary story that I read when I was a kid called the Golden Arm. Guys. Ever heard of it?

[Damien Haas]

No.

[Shane Madej]

My golden arm. You guys ever heard of that?

[Amanda LeCount]

Is it. Is it like a. Is it in the same structure as, like, Tayly Pole? Does anyone know Taylor Pole?

[Shane Madej]

Oh, it was like. It was like a book of scary stories. And it was actually pretty dark. Like, this guy, this husband murdered his or cut off his wife's golden arm to get money from it. And then he.

[Amanda LeCount]

This was a Quibi thing.

[Damien Haas]

This was a Quibi thing.

[Amanda LeCount]

They made it a quibi.

[Damien Haas]

They made it like a.

[Shane Madej]

Well, it was a thing that I grew up reading when I was little. Yeah, it was a book. And then they buried the golden arm, and the golden arm haunted him throughout his days, being like, where? Or you have my golden arm? Something like that. I have to find it.

[Amanda LeCount]

That's fascinating.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah, Quibi.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah, Quibi. It was the failed, like, social platform.

[Shane Madej]

Yes, I remember Quibi. So they put on a show.

[Damien Haas]

They tried to put on the Golden Arm.

[Shane Madej]

I'm pretty sure it was a real. It was a great book.

[Damien Haas]

Now they're haunted.

[Shane Madej]

I gotta find it. That's why.

[Amanda LeCount]

Did y'all ever read Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark?

[Damien Haas]

Oh, duh.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah, I would. I would check that out from the library every year and.

[Shane Madej]

Every year on what date?

[Amanda LeCount]

Just, like, a couple times a year, but, like, obviously more toward Halloween, but, like, sometimes in the summer, too. And I ended up finding a used copy at a store recently, and I bought it, and it was a little overpriced, and you can still get them new online, but I was like, no, this copy is old. This scared, kids just like me. I want this one. It's got screams in it.

[Damien Haas]

And then I read it, and I didn't remember any of these stories.

[Shane Madej]

I don't know who I am.

[Amanda LeCount]

And now I'm a father.

[Damien Haas]

And then I realized it was actually just a copy of the Treehouse, the Traveling. I don't know. Fuck it.

[Amanda LeCount]

Heathcliff.

[Shane Madej]

Heathcliff. Wuthering Heights. Oh, God. I got Wuthering Heights.

[Damien Haas]

Oh, shit. It's a compilation of Family Circus. Okay, I have one last good scary story. Love it. And then we'll move on to the really good stuff.

[Shane Madej]

Okay.

[Damien Haas]

I woke up to hearing knocking on glass. At first I thought it was the window, until I heard it come from the mirror again. Ooh. So good. I love that. I love that weird shit.

[Amanda LeCount]

Okay, My favorite one that's actually good is very similar. It's the. I don't want to screw up the formatting. So in my telling, it might be more than two seconds.

[Damien Haas]

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

[Amanda LeCount]

It's something like. Come down here for a minute, won't you, sweetie? Screamed my mother from downstairs. As I walked toward the banister, I heard her call from the room next to me. Don't go downstairs. I heard it, too.

[Damien Haas]

Yeah, that's probably the most famous one. That is.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah. Did you just finish?

[Shane Madej]

I love that. How have I not known about t sentence horrors?

[Damien Haas]

It's great.

[Amanda LeCount]

So good. Don't text me.

[Damien Haas]

But now this is all we would talk about. This is what Damian does. This is all he does. So now we're getting into the good shit.

[Shane Madej]

Spooky friend.

[Damien Haas]

This is the good stuff.

[Shane Madej]

Okay.

[Damien Haas]

Are you ready?

[Shane Madej]

The good. Like, better than that.

[Damien Haas]

These are the best two episodes.

[Amanda LeCount]

I will say I was just on a kick where I would watch a horror movie every week, so I'm in the mode. I got out of it when Tears of the Kingdom was released, but I.

[Damien Haas]

Was watching one every week, and I Don't think I knew, Amanda, that you love horror movies, too.

[Shane Madej]

Love them. But I'm deeply scared. Like, I watched the Boogeyman, and I still have to sleep at the nightlight now. So I go through the motions. My sister's like, why do you torture yourself? And I'm like, but I love horror. Like, I love the feeling, because I think horror just is really, like, talking about real shit. It's our deep psychological fears.

[Damien Haas]

Yes.

[Shane Madej]

And in order to face your fears, you gotta watch horror.

[Amanda LeCount]

I also think it is the genre of fantasy set in our world because in the same way that fantasy has the freedom to do anything, there can be any kind of creature, any kind of circumstance, whatever. It has to be rooted in reality to really scare you in some capacity. So it's a really cool merging of ideas anyway.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah. I love it. I love it.

[Damien Haas]

Here we go. Okay, you ready for, like, the best? The best. Stop world hunger. I asked the genie. I should have remembered. Scorpions and ants are included.

[Shane Madej]

Wait, I thought you said these were the best.

[Damien Haas]

These are the best ones.

[Shane Madej]

Wait, wait.

[Amanda LeCount]

Oh, my God.

[Damien Haas]

Stop world hunger. He asked the genie, and he did. But it also included ants and scorpions and all the predators of the world. Right. And everything doesn't have world hunger.

[Amanda LeCount]

Everybody else. Everybody else.

[Shane Madej]

I don't like that one.

[Damien Haas]

Okay, I've got a better one.

[Amanda LeCount]

My question, are we gonna dive into these a little bit?

[Damien Haas]

We can dive into them if we want.

[Amanda LeCount]

My question is, why scorpions? Because if I'm thinking about, like, I don't want to get eaten by a thing. Ants. Terrible. Wouldn't want that at all. Scorpions, they don't bite you. They don't. You're worried about getting pinched. You're worried about getting stung by the tail. They're not going to eat you, right? That was, you know what? 0 out of 10.

[Shane Madej]

The Scorpion King, you know, he just ruled over Egypt for a while.

[Amanda LeCount]

Dwayne Johnson, played by the Rock.

[Damien Haas]

Here's our next one. I promised the devil every one of my future children in exchange for eternal youth. He started sucking and never stopped.

[Shane Madej]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What?

[Amanda LeCount]

Wait, are you saying.

[Shane Madej]

Wait, say that again.

[Damien Haas]

Okay. I promised the devil every one of my future children in exchange for eternal youth. He started sucking and never stopped.

[Amanda LeCount]

Now, hold on for a minute here. Are we saying that.

[Shane Madej]

I kinda don't get it.

[Amanda LeCount]

The devil has taken her eggs, them being potential future children, and he just.

[Damien Haas]

I think we're talking about a dude dick made a promise to Satan, and he's like, I Promise you every one of my future children in exchange for eternal youth. And so Satan's like, okay, all right.

[Shane Madej]

I'll suck your dick and you'll be eternally youthful. Right. Now, wait, how does that give him children all the time?

[Amanda LeCount]

Cause it's just cummies, I guess.

[Shane Madej]

But wait, so Satan takes the cum and then creates a baby?

[Amanda LeCount]

Creates future children, Theoretically, his future children.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, my God. I got it.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah, that one took some work.

[Damien Haas]

That's. That's fascinating.

[Amanda LeCount]

Question. Is the devil a baddie in this situation?

[Damien Haas]

Maybe it's two sentences, that's all we get.

[Shane Madej]

Is it fucked up that that story is like, a bit of a turn on?

[Amanda LeCount]

We can for sure unpack that whenever you want.

[Shane Madej]

Why is that a turn on? I don't know.

[Damien Haas]

I wonder if that's. That.

[Amanda LeCount]

That's.

[Damien Haas]

See, that's actually a happy story for the rest of the world because now Satan's busy. Sorry, Satan can't talk right now. He's busy. What's he doing? Don't worry about it.

[Amanda LeCount]

There are nine levels of hell and 9,000 levels of Gluckluck. Okay, Amanda, you're not alone. That's.

[Damien Haas]

That's a thing for a lot of people.

[Shane Madej]

Why does it turn off?

[Amanda LeCount]

Not for me, because I'm normal, but, like, it's. There's a lot of people.

[Shane Madej]

I already talked about this. I am a loser.

[Amanda LeCount]

No, it's fine in the.

[Damien Haas]

Okay, this next one's a little easier to understand.

[Shane Madej]

Okay, great.

[Amanda LeCount]

There was ghost.

[Damien Haas]

There's the ghost explained a dick joke to me.

[Shane Madej]

Okay.

[Damien Haas]

LeBron James will never hurt me. I whispered repeatedly in the dark bedroom. You're right, he won't. Said Michael Jordan behind me with a baseball bat. Brendan over there just lost it. Hey.

[Shane Madej]

What? Guys, I think I'm like, a idiot.

[Amanda LeCount]

No, here's the thing, Amanda. We're basically introducing you to a new genre of thing and then asking you to watch a parody in the same moment.

[Damien Haas]

This is the most brand new thing you've ever heard in your life.

[Shane Madej]

Don't understand it.

[Damien Haas]

It's a sentence you've never heard in your life.

[Amanda LeCount]

It's.

[Damien Haas]

It's. Okay.

[Amanda LeCount]

It's supposed. It's so stupid. I will say this, though. I think this one has a positive ending, because I don't think Michael Jordan is about to beat them with a bat. I think Michael Jordan is there to protect them from LeBron. He's like. He's like, you're right. LeBron will never hurt you. And then he's like, batter up.

[Shane Madej]

Because he's Got a good baseball player, failed baseball career.

[Amanda LeCount]

Who's that?

[Damien Haas]

Michael Jordan's failed baseball player.

[Shane Madej]

Wow. You know what happens. Michael Jackson was a baseball player and a singer.

[Damien Haas]

No, not out of the par. It's like beat it up, sir.

[Amanda LeCount]

Nope, nope. Was gonna make a terrible joke. All right, so you saw it.

[Shane Madej]

I can't wait to get these.

[Damien Haas]

Okay. The next one you might get this.

[Amanda LeCount]

They're just supposed to be bad. Now it's a parody of the new thing because we're reading bad.

[Damien Haas]

Sorry. I framed these as being the best.

[Shane Madej]

No, I understand that. But I still like. Just keep going. Okay, here we go.

[Damien Haas]

Maybe. Okay, this one's great.

[Shane Madej]

Okay.

[Damien Haas]

I was so happy we were going to finally watch the Mario movie. That's when I noticed we were going into the Wario movie.

[Shane Madej]

Okay, I understand that one.

[Amanda LeCount]

So now do you basically get the level of can we curse? Just.

[Damien Haas]

Yeah.

[Amanda LeCount]

Shitty.

[Damien Haas]

That.

[Shane Madej]

That's supposed to be so shitty.

[Amanda LeCount]

There we go.

[Shane Madej]

So shitty.

[Damien Haas]

Some of them are clearly.

[Shane Madej]

But the devil one wasn't shitty.

[Damien Haas]

Some of them are clearly a joke. Right. These are clearly people just fucking around. There are some and I want you to spot them. They're the best ones are the ones where you're like, that guy was trying to be scary.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah.

[Damien Haas]

When he wrote that. And it is so bad that it's so funny.

[Shane Madej]

The Wario one is funny.

[Amanda LeCount]

That's the thing though, because the Internet gave us access to every type of person, every age, every everything to put themselves out there in the form of art. So whereas before, like with your other 11 year old friends, you're gonna be like, there was also a ghost and he had a hook. Everyone's gonna be like, well, that's so scary. Like, I wasn't scared. Now you put that on the Internet and we can't see who's writing the story.

[Damien Haas]

Right.

[Amanda LeCount]

And we get to look at that.

[Damien Haas]

And be like, it's just a grown ass woman. Like Marge, I am certain this next one, they were trying to be scary.

[Amanda LeCount]

Okay, okay.

[Damien Haas]

I am certain.

[Shane Madej]

Okay.

[Damien Haas]

The man kept hearing noises in his walls, but felt safe when he found some dead mice. He never paused to think about how or what killed the mice.

[Amanda LeCount]

What? Oh my God. But what.

[Shane Madej]

What killed the mice? Mice died.

[Amanda LeCount]

They will die for no reason in your wall. I remember back home in the same place where I found the non haunted clown doll. Full circle.

[Damien Haas]

No. But a demon killed those mice.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yes. There we knew that there was like a weird smell coming from the vents and my dad ended up finding like where the mice probably were. So when he cut open the wall, like, an entire, like, wall worth of. Of dead mice just flopped on me.

[Shane Madej]

Stop now.

[Amanda LeCount]

Well, that's the end of the story. I have to. We finished the whole thing.

[Damien Haas]

Nothing else.

[Amanda LeCount]

They didn't get back up and start dancing.

[Shane Madej]

They were like, Damian, hers.

[Amanda LeCount]

Hello, my baby. Hello, my hottie. Like, out of five, six, you found us.

[Shane Madej]

Find our murderer. Find our murderer.

[Damien Haas]

We are actually dead. We are ghosts that you can see.

[Amanda LeCount]

Is it bad that my brain went da, da. And it was like. They were like, you found a Korok seed.

[Shane Madej]

Like, also, your house was fucked up.

[Amanda LeCount]

My childhood was fucked up. Amanda, let's get into it.

[Shane Madej]

Okay, See, that's the best part about horrors is that it's like, Is it the house that's fucked up, or is it your mind that's fucked up?

[Amanda LeCount]

It was the mind because of the circumstances.

[Shane Madej]

All right, let's dig into that.

[Damien Haas]

Let's talk about that.

[Amanda LeCount]

Okay. I'm just, like, weeping. As soon as you get back from.

[Shane Madej]

The intro, we're like, can we get.

[Damien Haas]

Him out of water?

[Amanda LeCount]

He never felt safe.

[Shane Madej]

We can cut all that part.

[Amanda LeCount]

We don't have to.

[Shane Madej]

I'm just kidding.

[Damien Haas]

No, keep it in.

[Amanda LeCount]

Laugh at my pain Pain you'll never know the darkness that hides beneath this.

[Shane Madej]

Laughter Also, that voice is pretty hot.

[Amanda LeCount]

Thanks.

[Shane Madej]

Hey, I guess Shane's still here.

[Damien Haas]

Hey, guys.

[Amanda LeCount]

Sorry, Shane. What kind of eye cream do you use?

[Damien Haas]

I use Kiehl's.

[Amanda LeCount]

Do you actually. Yeah, me too.

[Damien Haas]

I actually don't use an eye cream. I just use.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah, we know.

[Damien Haas]

I just use moisturizer.

[Amanda LeCount]

You know what? I went. I don't know how off topic we're.

[Damien Haas]

Supposed to get here. I mean, we can do whatever.

[Shane Madej]

His hand is on the iPad.

[Damien Haas]

We're talking about moisturizer now.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah, but I have.

[Damien Haas]

How spooky.

[Amanda LeCount]

The weird brain I went to. And this is just a little PSA for anybody out there. I went to a beauty supply store the other day to get, like, an eye cream, and I found that, like, Kiehl's had one, which was nice. And then they had, like, one in black, that it was like, Kiehl's for men. And it was like. I was like, okay. And I was like, wait a minute. And I asked the person working there. I'm like, hi. These look about the same, just with a couple different ingredients.

[Shane Madej]

And she's like, yeah.

[Amanda LeCount]

Which one's actually better?

[Damien Haas]

Yeah.

[Amanda LeCount]

Oh, the other one.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah, totally.

[Amanda LeCount]

And I was like, okay. Cause, like, anytime you go and it's like, this is man cream.

[Damien Haas]

For men.

[Amanda LeCount]

I'm like, y'all, we have the same eyes. You can just buy the better version of the thing.

[Shane Madej]

Those beauty supply people literally don't know what the fuck they're talking about. I'm sorry.

[Amanda LeCount]

This one did.

[Shane Madej]

They're like, literally, oh, my God. My husband has that. And his eyes, like, glow. It's the craziest thing. Like, he woke up and his eyes are, like, glowing.

[Amanda LeCount]

She was a baddie. She definitely knew what she was doing at that beauty spot.

[Damien Haas]

But don't worry, LeBron James cannot hurt you as Michael Jordan just clocked in.

[Amanda LeCount]

Thank you for listening. We can cut all that.

[Damien Haas]

No, I'll keep it. Okay. Oh, by the way, quick pause here. We just started doing Dungeons and Dragons Sword af. Damien's the dm. Amanda and I are in it.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, my God.

[Damien Haas]

Dude, it's so much fun.

[Shane Madej]

It is so fun.

[Amanda LeCount]

First of all, I am so stoked and proud of the cast. Stoked for and proud of the cast. This has been something I've been sort of tasked with working on for months and months and months and months and months. And I've never put so much effort into one project at Smosh. In fact, I rarely ever try with anything that's not true. And I learned how to dm and I met with DM friends and asked. And for those of you that don't know, it's Dungeon Master. It's the person running the game. And if you are not familiar with D and D, if you're like, ah, that's not my cup of tea. Let me just tell you this. It is all just us doing improv as characters. The actual D and D aspects, quote unquote, are so minor. We're just telling a story together.

[Shane Madej]

We're literally just telling a story in characters, and we're creating our world, and we're just playing together.

[Amanda LeCount]

We were laughing our asses.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, my God, I had so much fun. And again, my best friend from home who was like, you're kind of a loser in the best way possible is you missed that episode. I did, but I was like, I think DD is, like, my, like, greatest joy right now, because I'm just like, I love it so much.

[Amanda LeCount]

You're so good.

[Damien Haas]

Here. Let's. Let's talk about our characters once towards the end of this episode. So stick around. We'll talk. We'll go more into our characters.

[Shane Madej]

Let's do it.

[Damien Haas]

Let's get back into these two sentences.

[Shane Madej]

Okay, let's do it.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah, let's do it.

[Damien Haas]

Okay, so use Keels.

[Amanda LeCount]

No, I'm kidding.

[Damien Haas]

So I sat in the packed theater with my snacks in hand ready to enjoy the Cars 2 screening. However, my excitement was short lived when a fellow audience member loudly acknowledged that I had spilled the beans I was eating upon myself and they were the beans of an evil variety.

[Shane Madej]

What are we talking about? What are we talking about?

[Damien Haas]

They were the beans of an evil variety, Amanda.

[Shane Madej]

But, like, evil beans. Did he spill the beans like he told he spoiled something?

[Damien Haas]

No, he spilled beans upon himself. He spilled the beans. He made sure to really detail it in one sentence. I had spilled the beans I was eating upon myself and they were the beans of an evil variety.

[Shane Madej]

No, he took, like, key words like a pawn. Like, I'm just like, stop it now.

[Amanda LeCount]

You know what? I will say that they are trying too hard to be funny. They're like, I'm gonna be random. So random. And that's been done.

[Damien Haas]

That has been done. But that was good. All right, here's the next one. What a noob. I said in my heart to thing that wear my wife face sloppily. But I know better than points it up to the thing can rip off face like that.

[Shane Madej]

What is happening?

[Damien Haas]

That's my favorite.

[Amanda LeCount]

Okay, I came across that.

[Damien Haas]

I'm like, on purpose or not. That might be someone who's just absolutely drunk. Or. Or it's the funniest shit.

[Amanda LeCount]

You know, Autocorrect did their best.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah, they did that in the car on the way home. They were like, gotta write this two sentence.

[Damien Haas]

Oh, that's. Dude.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yep.

[Damien Haas]

Oh, my God. I'm now thinking about Autocorrect like, as an office. Like a businessman. Like your lawyer trying to, like, type up something while you're drunk, saying. Okay, yeah, yeah. Hold on, hold on. What? What is that? Is that think. Is that thing? Okay, well, we'll run with think.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, my God, that's so bizarre.

[Amanda LeCount]

That reminds me of the, like, Garfield, like, of in out the hot food when cold. You know, that thing.

[Damien Haas]

I don't know if you. Garfield lore.

[Amanda LeCount]

I can't not think of you as John now, by the way. I think of John and I think of you.

[Damien Haas]

Yep.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, my lover and I, we're going to Italian restaurant.

[Damien Haas]

I just think of Cat in the Hat.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, my God.

[Damien Haas]

Moving on.

[Shane Madej]

People think I look like Cat in the Hat.

[Amanda LeCount]

In what? The book.

[Shane Madej]

I heard.

[Damien Haas]

I see it.

[Shane Madej]

A real person said I look like Cat in the Hat.

[Damien Haas]

Yeah.

[Shane Madej]

Okay, Just think. It just. It's gonna pop up at 2 in the morning. You're gonna be like, oh, my God. She's Cat in the Hat.

[Damien Haas]

She looks like Cat in the Hat.

[Shane Madej]

Okay, next one.

[Damien Haas]

Okay. I love this one so much. I hugged my sister at the airport, ready to say goodbye. 9 11.

[Amanda LeCount]

Oh.

[Shane Madej]

Oh my God. Oh my God.

[Damien Haas]

It's just like. That's it.

[Shane Madej]

That, like, are we. Are we. Can we. That. No.

[Amanda LeCount]

Here's the thing. We are in a very weird pocket right now where 911 jokes have just come back full force and everyone's like, yeah. And I feel like in one month everyone's gonna again be like, uh, oh.

[Shane Madej]

I don't think we even can.

[Amanda LeCount]

Oh, I agree.

[Damien Haas]

It's a two sentence horror story. It's not. They're not trying to. Maybe they're not trying to be funny.

[Shane Madej]

No, I don't think they are trying to be funny. But it cuts me to the core.

[Damien Haas]

It's just direct to the source.

[Shane Madej]

It's so direct.

[Damien Haas]

Not a second sentence. They just said 9 11.

[Shane Madej]

And she probably took five hours to write it. And then she was like, 9 11.

[Amanda LeCount]

Send, send. What's that movie like? Extremely Loud and Incredibly loud. Where, like that is the twist of the end.

[Shane Madej]

Extremely Close. Incredibly loud.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah, we're like, what's incredibly loud?

[Shane Madej]

Extremely Loud. I think that's about autism. Wait, then which one is not about 9 11?

[Damien Haas]

I don't think Extremely Loud and Incredibly close is about 9 11.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, it is, but isn't it?

[Damien Haas]

It's like the last five minutes Tom Hanks. I have not seen it.

[Shane Madej]

But wait, that is not Tom Hanks movie, guys.

[Amanda LeCount]

But which one are we thinking of? Cause I know there's a movie where the last five minutes it turns out to be a twist.

[Damien Haas]

Extremely Loud and Incredibly close is about 9 11.

[Shane Madej]

But is Tom Hanks in it?

[Damien Haas]

It's by the same author who wrote Everything is Illuminated, which I did read that book. But yeah, Tom Hanks is in that. Yes, yes.

[Amanda LeCount]

But yeah, it's just. I know there is a movie. There is a movie where the last five minutes. That is the twist where it's like, oh, you're in the world thinking of.

[Damien Haas]

You're thinking of the. The Patton. Oh, fuck. What's his name? Edward from Edward Cullen.

[Amanda LeCount]

Robert Pattinson. Robert Patrick.

[Damien Haas]

There's a Robert Pattinson movie where the whole movie just is a movie. And then the last beat of the movie is, oh, he's on the plane. And 911 happens. That's the. That's just the final twist of the movie.

[Shane Madej]

That's so sad.

[Damien Haas]

Yeah, that's. That's a. There you go.

[Shane Madej]

To me, 911 is, like, untouchable. Like, you just don't.

[Damien Haas]

Next one. Nobody was worried when the murder clown invasion began at the beach. It's just one boat they claimed. How bad could it be? It's a clown boat. So there's so many clowns getting out of the boat.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, my God. Got it, got it. Thank you. Okay. Thank you.

[Amanda LeCount]

I just thought, like, it was. I mean, it's bad anyway, but, like.

[Shane Madej]

How bad could it be?

[Amanda LeCount]

I do like clowns, but if you call them murder clowns, that is a different subclass.

[Damien Haas]

That is a different subclass of clowns.

[Amanda LeCount]

They spectrum. They.

[Damien Haas]

They operate differently. Maybe they don't fit into boats as well. Here's our next one. How do you like your eggs? Deviled, said the evil man.

[Shane Madej]

Okay, I love that.

[Amanda LeCount]

That was also a turn on.

[Shane Madej]

I'm also. So that's the same demon sucking the guy's dick?

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah.

[Shane Madej]

He came back and he's like, all right, I'm done with that.

[Damien Haas]

For how much?

[Amanda LeCount]

How do you like the eggs?

[Damien Haas]

For how much? Oh, my God.

[Shane Madej]

No.

[Damien Haas]

For how much money? For how much money? Would you go to Denny's? And they go, yeah, can I get the grand slam? For sure. How would you like your eggs? And for you to look them in the eyes and go, devil. Just.

[Shane Madej]

The server goes. Okay.

[Amanda LeCount]

Look.

[Shane Madej]

Okay, sure.

[Amanda LeCount]

What hour of day are we talking here? It's 3:00am okay, if it's noon. If it's noon, that's insane. If it's 3am that's not the worst thing they've heard in the past 15 minutes.

[Damien Haas]

No, no, no. The.

[Shane Madej]

Also, also. I can feel like a guy who's, like, meeting his new girlfriend's friends, does that joke at brunch, and everyone's just like, oh, my God, fucking kill me. And he's just like, devil.

[Amanda LeCount]

You know what the parents would call him if that happened? It's a term that's no longer used. They would call him a ham. They'd be like, he's such a ham.

[Shane Madej]

Stop hamming it up.

[Damien Haas]

He's such a ham. I've been called a ham before. I've been called a ham before.

[Amanda LeCount]

It's always by someone's.

[Damien Haas]

It's rough.

[Amanda LeCount]

It's the equivalent of, like, an older person calling you an old soul when you're a kid, which is just that you're saying your kid is weird. They're like, he's such a ham.

[Damien Haas]

Your kid's boring as hell. He's an old soul. I got called an old soul a lot. I'm like, it's cuz I'm lame. I get it.

[Shane Madej]

Wait, I thought old soul was cool.

[Amanda LeCount]

No.

[Damien Haas]

When an older person is calling you an old soul, it means just like, damn, your kid sucks.

[Amanda LeCount]

They're already out of serotonin.

[Damien Haas]

Your kid ran out of serotonin all day.

[Shane Madej]

I call myself. You're an old soul all the time.

[Damien Haas]

Well, you're insulting her.

[Shane Madej]

And she. Sometimes her jokes are a little like, what the fuck was that?

[Damien Haas]

Exactly. All right, next one. To sustain my immortality, every 1,000 years, I must become a marble statue for 24 hours. It's been 23 hours since the maid came in to dust and accidentally broke off my penis.

[Amanda LeCount]

No. And the devil runs in.

[Damien Haas]

He's like, the devil's in like the five second rule.

[Amanda LeCount]

Five second rule.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, I want that.

[Amanda LeCount]

I want that. I want that.

[Damien Haas]

I need to suck that dick.

[Amanda LeCount]

I have to house that cock.

[Damien Haas]

All right, we found. We found our first.

[Shane Madej]

The devil. How's that?

[Amanda LeCount]

The devil, he just sucked.

[Damien Haas]

Come on. Jesus.

[Shane Madej]

Still a turn on. I'm still like kind of turned on by that.

[Amanda LeCount]

Holy shit.

[Shane Madej]

I'm the devil. Busting into any room going, I got.

[Amanda LeCount]

To house that cock. Do you know. Are you familiar with Wattpad? Because I'm going to.

[Shane Madej]

No.

[Amanda LeCount]

Okay, just do devil X reader X cock and you're gonna have a great time.

[Damien Haas]

You will find it. It's already.

[Shane Madej]

Am I gonna get a virus on my computer?

[Amanda LeCount]

No.

[Damien Haas]

All right, next one. That was a hard day of work, I uttered as I lay down. You're telling me, said the seven foot gorilla standing at the foot of my bed. What?

[Shane Madej]

I don't even know. I don't get it. I don't either.

[Damien Haas]

I don't. There's a gorilla at his bed and he.

[Shane Madej]

Seven feet.

[Damien Haas]

A seven foot.

[Shane Madej]

They're not that big. They're actually not that tall.

[Damien Haas]

But this one's gigantic.

[Amanda LeCount]

So that's the thing, I think, because like, if someone is having that long of a day that they go in and don't notice a seven foot gorilla until they lay down. The real horror is how much they've had to work in order to support their family in this economy.

[Damien Haas]

That's.

[Amanda LeCount]

So they are just out of it.

[Damien Haas]

That's the real horror. There is the recession. Yeah. That's the real horror. Then the gorilla understands it. Moving on. Look, mommy, I found a weird looking Easter egg. My son said excitedly racing over to me. My heart dropped into my stomach as I saw him remove the pin from the now live grenade.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, Kay. Are you in a war zone, House?

[Damien Haas]

I don't know.

[Shane Madej]

Are you in a field?

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah.

[Damien Haas]

I like to imagine this is just like Sacramento, just the suburbs.

[Shane Madej]

To be honest, I feel like a. A grown ass woman wrote that. She's like Twilight series. What? Watch me write this story.

[Damien Haas]

I'm gonna show you real horror. I'm gonna show all these women at this book club what real horror is. When my son was looking for Easter eggs and he found a live grenade.

[Amanda LeCount]

I think I can punch this one up.

[Damien Haas]

Yeah, yeah, punch it up.

[Amanda LeCount]

Let's punch it up. All right. Mommy, mommy, look at this Easter egg I found. My son yelled excitedly as he ran to me holding something. My heart dropped in terror as I saw the weirdest Easter egg I've ever seen.

[Damien Haas]

That's great.

[Shane Madej]

What?

[Damien Haas]

It's just a weird Easter egg.

[Amanda LeCount]

It's even weirder.

[Shane Madej]

Or I'm gonna add to that. And then he opened it. And it was only a dollar, not twenty dollars like I used to get that killed.

[Damien Haas]

So I pulled out a grenade.

[Amanda LeCount]

That'll be 19 more dollars to buy my service. Said the not kill you, man.

[Damien Haas]

The not kill you, kill you, man.

[Shane Madej]

And then the devil pops in.

[Amanda LeCount]

Is that a dick? Is that a dick? And then a skeleton rolls it up to snort cocaine. And we're back.

[Damien Haas]

And we're back, baby. Next one. The lake didn't had any fish in it because all of the fishes were walking on land.

[Shane Madej]

First of all, the way you read this is so good.

[Damien Haas]

I gotta include the typos.

[Shane Madej]

It's so. Yeah, you have to include the typos. So that means fish are just walking on land.

[Damien Haas]

That's actually terrifying. If you saw, if you looked over, you saw a scary full fish anatomy, they'd have to walk sideways. Just. Oh, I figured just, just human legs. Like little tiny human legs.

[Amanda LeCount]

Now what is, what is a land fish? What's the closest we got?

[Damien Haas]

There's mudskippers.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah, like a mudskipper. Like a, like a skink.

[Shane Madej]

But I'm thinking frog. Like a frog.

[Damien Haas]

Yeah, that's close.

[Amanda LeCount]

Amphibians.

[Shane Madej]

They were tadpoles.

[Damien Haas]

Amphibians. Yeah.

[Amanda LeCount]

And also, if you go back enough, we were fishing.

[Damien Haas]

Oh, this next one. That's true what you just said, but this next one, very close to what you just said. Ah, finally I'm all alone. I said to myself as I sat in my bedroom at midnight. No, you're not. Said knife guy.

[Amanda LeCount]

I love knife guy.

[Shane Madej]

My God, he is friends with the. The dick sucking devil.

[Damien Haas]

The dick sucking devil. And the knife guy.

[Shane Madej]

The dick sucking devil. Dick tick tick. And the knife guy's. Like, I. It's my time.

[Damien Haas]

Let's start blasting through these. Because there's. There's. There's some others.

[Shane Madej]

Let's do it.

[Damien Haas]

I got home from the store and began unwrapping several packages of meat. One of the meat began moving.

[Shane Madej]

I just don't like that. I feel like a bunch of, like, women, like, bored ass ladies.

[Damien Haas]

I see. I see, like, teenage dudes writing.

[Shane Madej]

I don't know why, but I think women are writing this. They're, like, trying out for their book or something. Okay, okay.

[Amanda LeCount]

Self published.

[Damien Haas]

I was eating a cheeseburger and then I realized something was off. That was when I realized my nuts were floating.

[Shane Madej]

Wait, what?

[Amanda LeCount]

Nuts were floating. What? They were just floating.

[Damien Haas]

I was eating a cheeseburger and then I realized something was off. That was when I realized my nuts were floating. What?

[Amanda LeCount]

That's it. Okay, so we got the dick sucking devil and the testiclops. It's the testiclops, a little cyclops that.

[Shane Madej]

Runs up cheeseburger, like, in the tub. And, like, his nuts are floating up, like, what's happening?

[Amanda LeCount]

Like, in the air, just.

[Damien Haas]

Here we go. My garbage can smelled like yogurt, but I haven't been eating yogurt.

[Amanda LeCount]

What the fuck?

[Damien Haas]

Where did the yogurt come from?

[Shane Madej]

Okay, that is kind of scary.

[Damien Haas]

The yogurt, man.

[Shane Madej]

That means there's something sour in there.

[Amanda LeCount]

Or someone else has been using your.

[Damien Haas]

Your bins and you're like, okay, here's actually a legendary one.

[Amanda LeCount]

Great. I know. I feel like I know what's coming.

[Shane Madej]

Legendary.

[Damien Haas]

This is the. This is one of my favorites. Barry loved to play in the snow, but so did the meat worm.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, my God.

[Amanda LeCount]

Not the one I was expecting.

[Damien Haas]

The meat worm. The meat worm is a famous one.

[Amanda LeCount]

Got it.

[Damien Haas]

The meat worm.

[Shane Madej]

I actually fucking love that.

[Damien Haas]

You love the meat worm.

[Shane Madej]

I love the idea of a meat worm because it makes me feel so disgusted.

[Amanda LeCount]

What do you think a meatworm is? It like a.

[Shane Madej]

It reminds me of, like, the center. Like, the human centipede. Like, I feel like the meatworm's like.

[Amanda LeCount]

But it's all, like, fleshy.

[Damien Haas]

Do you think the dick sucking devil accidentally mistook it? He's just like. He's like, oh, yeah. Oh, gross.

[Amanda LeCount]

That was a meat worm.

[Shane Madej]

The meat worm's like, get out of me.

[Amanda LeCount]

The meat worms just smoking a cigarette and be like, that was nice.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah, that was nice. I'll add your soul to my worm pockets.

[Amanda LeCount]

Oh, you have the devil's soul. So you can either win it by beating him in A violin competition. Or he has to think you're a dick, that he just wants to howl.

[Shane Madej]

Violin. The mean worm has no hands to play violin Night Guy's like, hey, what about me? Hey.

[Amanda LeCount]

Cuts all the strings. He's like, oh, again.

[Damien Haas]

I thought I had the biggest penis of all.

[Shane Madej]

Here we go.

[Damien Haas]

Then I saw the penis ghost.

[Shane Madej]

Okay, these are teenage boys. These are teenage boys. These are teenage boys.

[Amanda LeCount]

Now we have our sitcom. We have the dick sucking devil, the test o'clocks and the penis ghost and knife guy. Knife guy is the neighbor that walks in, is like, got any knives?

[Damien Haas]

And everyone's like, penis ghost's like, you finally made it.

[Amanda LeCount]

Sorry I'm late.

[Damien Haas]

This next one is incredible. Okay, I'm gonna have a hard time reading this without laughing. I'm gonna do it. I'm the one that always knows when you've got uncovered toes. Whilst asleep, I'll uncover your feet. Then those tasty treats, I'll eat.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, okay.

[Amanda LeCount]

Is that doing anything for you?

[Shane Madej]

This is actually scary because it's a known thing you cannot have your feet out. You guys know that, right? Because they'll be grabbed and pulled underneath the bed.

[Damien Haas]

And then the tasty treats, he'll eat.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, he's a foot guy. He's got a foot.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah.

[Damien Haas]

He's like.

[Amanda LeCount]

That's why I was like. I was like, I wonder if this is going to do anything for anyone at the table.

[Damien Haas]

He's on wiki, the dick sucking demons. Like, you're gross.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah.

[Damien Haas]

You're fucked up. That fucking. You're awful.

[Amanda LeCount]

Have some respect.

[Damien Haas]

Okay. Damien.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yes. Is it time?

[Damien Haas]

It is time.

[Amanda LeCount]

Great.

[Damien Haas]

This one's famous. This is the legend of Bad two Sentence horror. And it's a bunch of them, so we'll just keep going. It almost feels like Christmas. Except I've got no eggnog. Thankfully, I can just milk some more from my creature.

[Shane Madej]

I love that. I love that. Ew.

[Amanda LeCount]

The creature. Yeah, the creature.

[Damien Haas]

Here we go. My kid asked me where the sun came from. I didn't have the heart to tell him it came from my creature in the backyard.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, that one's brilliant. It's like sun and sun.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah. Oh, is that right?

[Shane Madej]

Like sunshine.

[Damien Haas]

To begin, my. My kid asked me where the sun s u n came from.

[Amanda LeCount]

Oh, I thought they were just being honest.

[Damien Haas]

I think they. That's what they meant. And they even kind of up.

[Shane Madej]

I think it's like, yeah, they fucked up so bad.

[Amanda LeCount]

It's good. They wronged themselves in a right town.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah.

[Damien Haas]

Hey, chef, I called into the kitchen My meal began being prepared by a creature.

[Shane Madej]

Is this the same person writing creature?

[Damien Haas]

And then I found a tweet. I found a tweet that's like Gordon Ramsay on Kitchen Nightmares. Where are you getting this eggnog, staff? We milk it fresh from the creature every day, Gordon. Fuck me. They milk it from the creature. This place is going under.

[Amanda LeCount]

Fuck me. They milk it from the creature. Fuck.

[Shane Madej]

He says fuck me. The devil buffs in. Dick.

[Amanda LeCount]

Dick, Dick, dick, dick, dick. Mind if I fuck you?

[Damien Haas]

Oh, the creature.

[Amanda LeCount]

What do y'all think the creature looks like when you hear this? Cause I've got a very specific image in my mind.

[Shane Madej]

Hunched over.

[Amanda LeCount]

Hunched over for sure.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah.

[Damien Haas]

Just really not fully sad. Just almost like. Just kind of just like.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah, like loose bottom. Like nude colored.

[Amanda LeCount]

Amanda. This is crazy because we're describing the same thing, really. Okay, okay. In my mind, this actually gets scary.

[Damien Haas]

If we all have the same. Same exact vision.

[Amanda LeCount]

Oh, this is like a Candle Cove situation. Are you familiar with Creepypasta, Amanda?

[Shane Madej]

No.

[Damien Haas]

We'll get into that on a different episode.

[Amanda LeCount]

Oh, that is okay.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah.

[Amanda LeCount]

I would love to come back and talk about creepypasta, because this is basically. This is basically a bite sized version of something known as creepypasta. So this is like a different spin off, and now it's a parody of that. But anyway, I think of the. The glob. Glow. Gob. Glob as the creature. If you haven't seen that meme before, look it up after this.

[Damien Haas]

So you mention the creature as actually being scary.

[Amanda LeCount]

No, the globglob is not scary.

[Damien Haas]

Okay.

[Amanda LeCount]

He's fleshy, he's hunched over, and he's just sort of like nebulous and bold.

[Shane Madej]

He's got two hands and his. And I feel like his. This is a little out. And he's got really droopy, kind of sad.

[Damien Haas]

No hair, I imagine. Yeah, no hair. I kind of imagine, like he has the expression of if he worked at a dmv.

[Shane Madej]

Oh, absolutely. And a sloth mixed.

[Damien Haas]

And he doesn't really. He doesn't really react too much. He doesn't do anything. But you can milk him.

[Shane Madej]

He's filled with eggnog.

[Amanda LeCount]

Sure. Well, that's what. Because I think, like, it's the kind of thing where, like, spine wise, musculature wise, there's not a whole lot going on. But he is very bulbous and you just find that, like whatever you need there. And maybe that's where the yogurt came from too. That's also.

[Damien Haas]

It's probably the Yogurt one ties into these creature stories. I think probably I have a couple that I found, like, earlier today.

[Amanda LeCount]

Okay. Are you having fun? Because I'm having a great time.

[Shane Madej]

I'm having so much fun. I love this podcast. Yeah, let's talk about cute.

[Damien Haas]

I went to the beach. That makes you old. I got old.

[Shane Madej]

I. I hate that Shyamalan fell off and I hate that.

[Damien Haas]

It's foreshadowing, though. The first sentence is like, oh, he's going to the beach. That makes him old. I wonder if he's gonna get old.

[Shane Madej]

I got old. He did that was that movie.

[Damien Haas]

This one, I think. I think this one was trying to be scary. I think. Father. I have made two new friends today at school, said my daughter, handing me a picture she drew of them. Hey, wait a minute. These are the Ohank brothers who are wanted for child murder, but have eluded me, the chief of the police, for a year and now. So I'm especially worried about your brother who doesn't seem to be with you.

[Shane Madej]

I replied, okay, that is a fucking paragraph.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah, there's no way.

[Damien Haas]

I don't know, man.

[Shane Madej]

Come on. That person stole that from like an excerpt from like a episode of a crime drama. Yeah, as long as that explanation took. That's as long as that fucking two sentence horror took.

[Amanda LeCount]

So you know what? I take everything back. I said about semicolons, because that could have used some.

[Damien Haas]

That could have used five.

[Amanda LeCount]

And also he had a gun.

[Damien Haas]

Also, it was a monster. Yeah, here we go. It's only five night. It only five night. Freddy Fazbear. You're just clearly not.

[Shane Madej]

That's the end.

[Damien Haas]

You're not familiar with five nights at Freddy's, so that doesn't scare you?

[Shane Madej]

I'm not scared at all.

[Amanda LeCount]

Well, it would if you.

[Damien Haas]

If you knew five nights at Freddy's. It would scare you so much.

[Amanda LeCount]

Really. I pissed.

[Damien Haas]

I'm p. I'm peeing. Oh.

[Shane Madej]

Because they're what?

[Damien Haas]

I was walking alone in the cornfield. Sentient scarecrow. No, you're not.

[Amanda LeCount]

I love that one. And I'll tell you why. Because as much as I like clowns and stuff, scarecrow is way more.

[Damien Haas]

Scarecrows are awesome.

[Shane Madej]

No, I think scarecrows are terrifying.

[Damien Haas]

Really are scary. But in like. Yes, but scarecrows can also be funny. Like wizard of Oz.

[Shane Madej]

He was so sad.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah, he was happy. He was the one character where like all of his innards falling out. Any other character, if all their innards fell out, that'd be not a movie.

[Damien Haas]

I don't know.

[Shane Madej]

He's like a grown up man.

[Damien Haas]

Well, Tin Man. Tin Man. It would just be like robotic stuff.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah.

[Damien Haas]

Human organs.

[Amanda LeCount]

That's what I'm saying. Like, name another movie that you're like, oh, this is fun. Where all their whole thing is their innards keep falling.

[Damien Haas]

Yeah, but he's made of straw, so it's not.

[Amanda LeCount]

You're made of people. Me, I don't know.

[Shane Madej]

I think scarecrows are scary, man.

[Amanda LeCount]

Are you a crow or any corvid?

[Damien Haas]

Oh, that's true. I never thought about that.

[Amanda LeCount]

You might be a blue jay.

[Shane Madej]

I think I'm definitely a blue jay.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah, that's what it is.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah, I'm blue jay.

[Amanda LeCount]

But no, I love scarecrows. They're very sweet. I do. However, I have made friends with crows, so I can't have a scarecrow.

[Damien Haas]

Yeah.

[Shane Madej]

What are your crows names?

[Amanda LeCount]

The only one that visits me regularly. I've named her Crows. No, that's not. I've named her Alice. The one that visits me regularly.

[Shane Madej]

She's been waiting for me.

[Amanda LeCount]

She's been waiting for me. As I walk to my car in the morning, I will hear like a beating of wings. And like she'll land on like a power line directly above my car. And we'll wait until either I leave or I go in and get peanuts. But like I can talk to her and say, hey, while I wait for peanuts. She doesn't like hang out and eat the peanuts while I'm there, but she will. Like, she just waits patiently and comfortably. And it's taken like a couple months to get to that level of comfort.

[Shane Madej]

Can I please talk about the neighbor who's across the way? Like he's talking to the crow again. He's getting peanuts again for the crow. I don't have any crow friends. That's your neighbor?

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah, probably.

[Shane Madej]

Yep. Yeah, that's what I picture when you're telling me that story. Someone watching you in the street.

[Amanda LeCount]

Someone on the.

[Shane Madej]

I'll be right back.

[Amanda LeCount]

The apartment balcony next to me. Just being like, what she got that I don't got? Answer is Peanut.

[Damien Haas]

That man's got it all. He's got fucking crows, peanuts, everything.

[Amanda LeCount]

A vehicle.

[Damien Haas]

All I have is a dick sucking demon that won't leave me alone.

[Amanda LeCount]

Homie, are you coming back to bed? In a minute.

[Damien Haas]

In a minute.

[Amanda LeCount]

In a minute.

[Damien Haas]

I have two more here.

[Shane Madej]

Great.

[Damien Haas]

I heard a knock on the door at 3am I'm on airplane.

[Amanda LeCount]

Oh, I ain't still trying.

[Shane Madej]

I don't get it.

[Damien Haas]

He's on an airplane. You heard a knock on the door.

[Amanda LeCount]

Wouldn't that suck?

[Damien Haas]

He heard a knock on the door.

[Amanda LeCount]

Outside the airplane door.

[Damien Haas]

I'm on airplane.

[Shane Madej]

I'm on airplane.

[Damien Haas]

On airplane. Last one, you knew what it meant.

[Shane Madej]

Scary.

[Damien Haas]

Last one.

[Amanda LeCount]

You knew what it meant.

[Damien Haas]

Hey, guys, I found the penis lair. There was no guys. Only the penis man.

[Shane Madej]

Okay. We have created a full story with penis men.

[Damien Haas]

Only the penis men could thwart the dick sucking demon.

[Amanda LeCount]

I don't know if they're strong enough canonically.

[Shane Madej]

I actually don't think so either.

[Amanda LeCount]

Come back to Bird because they require organization, whereas the dick sucking devil, like they're their own unit.

[Damien Haas]

Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot to handle.

[Shane Madej]

Wow, this was really fun. I feel like we got. So I got very inspired by this whole wiener pantheon.

[Damien Haas]

So as we were saying earlier, we're doing Dungeons and Dragons.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yes.

[Damien Haas]

And Damian, you are the dungeon master. And we have just kind of talked about the creature, the penis men, and the dick sucking demon. So just keep that in mind. I'll add them in as you are. Please add them in our universe.

[Amanda LeCount]

Just so you know, we have only filmed the first two episodes so far. So at the time of filming this, recording this. So if you see any influence, you know, be sure to comment below in episodes three and four and be like.

[Damien Haas]

Hey, saw this on the smosh cast. Saw the inspiration there. Yes. Before we go, I'm so bummed. We're out of time.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yeah, sorry, I took a lot of time about moisturizer.

[Damien Haas]

Huh? No, it's great. You know, we like to talk about the characters we like to play and stuff here and want to do that more. But, Amanda, your character on Dungeons and Dragons is fucking awesome.

[Shane Madej]

Thank you. My character is named Dolores paradise, which is a kind of tribute to my old piano teacher who wore straight patchouli. And I found out that she was a lesbian years later, and I loved her even more.

[Damien Haas]

That's awesome.

[Shane Madej]

And she had a bunch of rings. But my character is a halfling warlock, and she's very, very motherly. And she just, to me, she feels like, not your typical mom. She has needs and wants. She also gets a little horny sometimes, but she really feels this need to protect and take care and make sure everyone's doing well. But she's also discovering her inner wants as well.

[Amanda LeCount]

I love that. And even in the first two episodes so far, it's been wonderful to watch you play as this character. And you just find these. I mean, I'm not surprised. Cause you're such an incredible Improviser. But you just find these little nuggets of like, oh, I think I would explore that in my character. And you take it with you. And it's clear to see that you've put in the work to make the character, but also build as you go.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah, I'm discovering her as I go. Cause I don't want, like, anyone. I don't want to know all the answers right away.

[Amanda LeCount]

That's great.

[Shane Madej]

I'm just discovering.

[Amanda LeCount]

And for those of you that don't know D and D stuff, a halfling is like a hobbit. It's a Frodo situation. Yeah.

[Shane Madej]

And Shane has an amazing character.

[Amanda LeCount]

I love this.

[Damien Haas]

It's so much fun. I mean, when we were doing practice sessions and stuff, I was a human druid and I was like, I want to be a druid. I want to talk to animals, I want to turn into animals. But as we were talking to you, you mentioned to me like, oh, there's also, like Warforged. And they're like robot type of things. And I was like, oh, dude, what if I'm like a Beast wars type of robot? So I am a giant, like 8 foot tall wooden robot that was built up by creatures of the forest. He's. He's not necessarily stupid as much as he's just extremely gullible and oblivious. You know, kind of a mix of like Drax and Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy. It's so much fun. It's the first time I've really, like, delved into Dungeons and Dragons and I'm having a blast, man.

[Amanda LeCount]

And you have to be. You have to be really smart and quick on your feet in order to play, like, stupid and play it well. And like you said, he's not stupid. He's got like this childlike sense of wonder and curiosity because the world is new to him.

[Shane Madej]

Yes, he's discovering a lot.

[Amanda LeCount]

It's been great. And it's like this vehicle for us to explore the world as well, because again, a lot of our audience may not know D and D. A lot of people at the table don't know much about D and D. So your curiosity allows us to be like, oh, that's what this does. Already so far, y'all have been nailing it. And I've just been beyond excited. And it's been really fun because I get to, like, in sort of the moment, make up these characters that are interacting with you. You know, welcome to this town. This guy's in this town. And like, I'm the guy that Guides you around, and every new person that gets thrown at you, y'all have been, like, taking and immediately being like, okay, understood. That's what that guy does. Great. Let's interact. And, like, it's just been. It's been a delight. Like, I've played a lot of D and D, and this is some of the most fun I've played ever had.

[Shane Madej]

It's so fun. And also, we have. Angela and Chance are also part of our mercenary group, and they have amazing characters. I'd love to, like, have them come on and talk about their characters as.

[Damien Haas]

We move further in the campaign to have people on, to have you back and, like, talk about it in more detail, like, because we just started it. It just. It either. I think it came out yesterday in case schedule shift, but pretty sure it came out yesterday.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah.

[Damien Haas]

So check it out. If not, it would be coming out, like, today or tomorrow, whatever, but it's. It's just fucking great.

[Amanda LeCount]

And, yeah, it's a lot of fun. It's. We're definitely doing our own sort of spin on things. Can I give, like, the one sentence pitch on what it. Basically the time that you would think about for D and D of, like, heroes and dragons and yada, yada, yada, that just wrapped up, and now everything's back to, like, relative peace, and there's too many heroes and not enough jobs. So we're a delivery service.

[Shane Madej]

It's basically, like, after Covid.

[Amanda LeCount]

Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nobody wants to work anymore.

[Damien Haas]

It's a lot of fun. So go check it out. And this has been a lot of fun here. I hope we didn't scare you too much.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah. We're so spooky.

[Damien Haas]

We're so spooky.

[Shane Madej]

But we do have one spooky question for you, Damien Haas.

[Amanda LeCount]

All right.

[Shane Madej]

Who is your favorite Smosh cast host?

[Damien Haas]

Yeah, tell us.

[Amanda LeCount]

Smosh cast host.

[Shane Madej]

Yeah.

[Damien Haas]

Between Shane or Amanda, who's your favorite Smosh cast host?

[Shane Madej]

Go, go.

[Amanda LeCount]

Listen, it has been a long road for both of you.

[Damien Haas]

Incorrect.

[Shane Madej]

Incorrect.

[Amanda LeCount]

It's Amanda. It's Amanda.

[Damien Haas]

Obviously.

[Amanda LeCount]

That is incorrect.

[Shane Madej]

And that is correct. Actually, that's correct.

[Amanda LeCount]

Canonically, Amanda is strongest.

[Damien Haas]

That is incorrect.

[Shane Madej]

Yes.

[Damien Haas]

Thank you so much for watching. We'll see you later. We'll see you next week.

[Shane Madej]

See you next week.

[Damien Haas]

Get out of here. Comment down below. What's the scariest creature?

[Shane Madej]

Yeah. And if your creature matches our creature.

[Damien Haas]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you. What do you think the creature looks like? Let us know.

[Amanda LeCount]

There's gonna be no comments until we open up, like, see filter comments gonna be like, dick devil, dick devil. You're like, okay, got it. Yeah, bye.