Am I The Ally? | Reading Reddit Stories

Summary

Smosh Reads Reddit Stories

Episode: Am I The Ally? | Reading Reddit Stories

Date: June 27, 2026
Host: Shane Topp
Guests: Courtney, Chance, Jared Goldstein

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Episode Overview

In this special Pride-themed episode of "Smosh Reads Reddit Stories," host Shane Topp and guests Courtney, Chance, and comedian Jared Goldstein react to a curated selection of wild, awkward, and hilarious LGBTQ+ stories pulled from various Reddit threads. The group explores tangled relationships, clueless allies, bizarre accusations, and heartwarming moments from the queer corners of Reddit, sprinkling in their own experiences and riffing on queer visibility, stereotypes, and the ongoing journey of coming out. Expect a blend of genuine insight and plenty of signature Smosh banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Story Summaries

1. "I Fucked Up by Sleeping with My Girlfriend’s Dad"

Source: TodayIFuckedUp ([03:20])
Story Recap:
A Redditor recounts a wild coincidence: after a one-off hookup with a much older bi man, he unknowingly dates the man's daughter. The revelation explodes when the dad comes out to his family, claims the Redditor “turned him gay,” and tries to get his daughter to break up so he can pursue the Redditor.

Highlights & Reactions:

• The cast marvels at the sheer drama, relating it to Euphoria-esque scenarios.
• Quote: “She throws a plastic container at me and storms off. Never heard from any of them again.”
  — Shane reading the post ([05:02])
• Shane, Courtney, and Jared agree it’s impossible to salvage any relationship after such an entanglement.
• Quote: "Imagine every holiday. Every birthday dinner, you're just sitting across from that guy you hooked up with. With that girl you're hooking up with. That's like, you can't."
  — Jared ([06:16])
• Discussion veers into whether the dad's confession is blame-shifting and the panel affirms the OP wasn't at fault.

2. "Am I the Asshole for Not Telling a Bunch of Random Women I’m Gay?"

Source: AmITheAsshole ([11:41])
Story Recap:
A gay man delivers his dad’s work and is unexpectedly hit on by several women at the office. When they later find out he’s unavailable (and gay), they call him “an asshole” for not disclosing his orientation.

Highlights & Reactions:

• Panel is incredulous that anyone would expect a stranger to preemptively out themselves.
• Quote: "You definitely don't have to. You can definitely get hit on and you don't have to disclose your sexuality."
  — Courtney ([14:20])
• Jared shares a personal story of being flustered when a woman flirted with him and asked directly if he was gay—he lied out of panic but later clarified and is now friends with her ([14:31]-[15:55]).
• The group agrees the obligation to "come out" in a professional or casual setting is absurd.
• Quote: “Imagine going to your dad's office and being like, so I'm gay, everybody.”
  — Jared ([17:09])
• Notable conversation about how being the object of attraction for women can still occur and doesn’t oblige a gay person to respond a certain way.

3. "Am I the Asshole for Not Reacting Right When a Colleague Came Out to Me?"

Source: AmITheAsshole ([21:10])
Story Recap:
A manager struggles to grasp why his response—asking if his subordinate has marketing insights as a gay man, or if he needs time off for a wedding—was seen as problematic when his employee comes out. The cast wonders whether the employee was making a bigger revelation or if the manager just severely misread the moment.

Highlights & Reactions:

• The group laughs at the boss’s transactional, HR-ish responses but also sympathizes with awkwardness in unexpected coming-out moments.
• Quote: “I do love the initial [response]: 'So how can we apply this to our business?'”
  — Shane ([24:50])
• The update reveals the employee ends up engaged to the boss’s adopted brother, leading to a sweet, unintended matchmaking (and prideful celebration).
• Quote: "He did a great job. I mean, he didn't intend to. He wasn't trying to set him up."
  — Shane ([33:39])
• Jared shares the honor and responsibility that comes with being someone who others can come out to ([34:02]-[34:13]).
• Quote: “If you’re in the closet, come out to me. I have so much good stuff to say to you.”
  — Jared ([34:27])

4. "Am I the Asshole for Not Telling the Nurse at My Niece’s School about My Profession?"

Source: AmITheAsshole ([35:16])
Story Recap:
A doctor picks up her niece from school. The nurse, impressed by the niece’s medical knowledge, flirts indirectly with the aunt (the doctor), who remains oblivious until commenters point out the obvious romantic overtures.

Highlights & Reactions:

• Panel debates “angry/flirty” behavior and how obliviousness can be endearing.
• Quote: “She said I still owed her for not telling her my job and that it felt like I was testing her or deliberately trying to see how she was doing.”
  — Shane reading the post ([36:43])
• Update: OP brings flowers, asks her out, and they start dating—now together for at least seven months.
• “Love is real.”
  — Courtney ([41:10])

5. "Have to Get a Paternity Test Even Though I’m Gay"

Source: Rant ([41:45])
Story Recap:
A gay man is accused by a paranoid co-worker of fathering the co-worker’s baby due to matching hair color, despite being openly gay and engaged to a man. The situation sends shockwaves through their friend group, resulting in accusations, family drama, and workplace tension.

Highlights & Reactions:

• Shane, Jared, and Courtney are stunned by the layers of insecurity and homophobia, likening the accuser to a "supervillain."
• Quote: “Ever heard of a Punnett Square, bitch?”
  — Courtney ([48:49])
• The segment touches on projection, gendered expectations about genetics, and kneejerk suspicion of gay people.
• Quote: "He's not talking about his wife. It's not like, oh, his wife, what does she feel or think about in this situation?"
  — Shane ([51:04])
• Panel calls out the damaging mix of stupidity, sexism, and homophobia.

6. "I Fucked Up by Ruining My Boyfriend’s Company-Wide Meeting (with a Poop Joke)"

Source: TodayIFuckedUp ([53:35])
Story Recap:
A guy, thinking his boyfriend is alone, barges into his work-from-home office and yells, “Did you take a shit and not flush? Disgusting!” in a Scottish accent, only to discover his boyfriend is leading a company-wide Zoom.

Highlights & Reactions:

• Panel joyfully riffs on Zoom call disasters and the permanence of accidental viral moments.
• Quote: “First of all, I just want to say congrats, because a full log is a good sign of a healthy colon.”
  — Jared ([55:14])
• Tangent discussion about "poop knife" Reddit lore; panel morbidly fascinated.
• Jared raises the philosophical: “Am I allowed to burp in the privacy of my own home if I’m on a phone FaceTime with my family?”
  — Jared ([61:06])
• Ends with musings on bodily functions, shame, and empathy—even for your own butthole, apparently.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Courtney: “DNA is powerful.” ([05:31])
• Jared: “There is a really scary straight type of narcissism that… makes the leap that someone is pretending they're gay to hurt you.” ([49:15])
• Shane: “I do think that I owed her for not telling her my job and that it felt like … oh, you owe me. That feels like very flirty behavior.” ([38:35])
• Courtney: “So not the asshole. In fact, just a little bit oblivious. Just stupid as fuck.” ([41:26])
• Jared: “If you’re in the closet, come out to me. I have so much good stuff to say to you.” ([34:27])
• Courtney: “Love is real.” ([41:10])
• Shane (on the dad wanting the daughter to break up): “He had stuff to work through for sure. Rough luck.” ([08:19])

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Pride episode intro, cast banter: [01:02]–[03:15]
• First story: The Dad–Boyfriend–Girlfriend love triangle: [03:16]–[09:01]
• Second story: Obliged to announce your sexuality? [11:41]–[18:13]
• Jared’s story of lying when asked if he’s gay: [14:31]–[15:55]
• Boss’s odd response to employee coming out: [21:10]–[25:25]
• Update: Boss inadvertently sets employee up with his brother: [30:01]–[34:01]
• Doctor vs. Nurse awkward (flirty) encounter: [35:16]–[41:19]
• Paternity panic: Gay man accused of fathering friend’s baby: [41:45]–[53:10]
• Poop Zoom fiasco: [53:35]–[59:17]
• Poop knife explanation: [59:17]–[60:19]

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Tone & Style

The episode exudes Smosh’s trademark mix of irreverent humor, affectionate teasing, and warm inclusiveness. Genuine empathy for the struggles and joys of queer life underscores the playful commentary, and the improv-like interactions between Shane, Courtney, and Jared keep the pace lively. The group alternates between sharing personal stories and riffing on the sheer absurdity of Reddit’s relationship rabbit holes.

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Summary Takeaway

This Pride edition of "Smosh Reads Reddit Stories" delivers exactly what fans expect: engrossing queer stories directly from the Internet, processed through the filter of smart, self-aware, and often delightfully vulgar comedic minds. There’s no shortage of drama, absurdity, or heart, but perhaps the most memorable throughline is the community’s resilience and good humor—even in the face of wild accusations, oblivious flirting, or accidental viral poops.

Last word:
“Happy Pride!”
— Shane, Courtney, and Jared ([62:42])

Transcript

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[Shane]

Lowe's.

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We help you save valid through 7 8, while supplies last. Selection varies by location. See Lowes.com for more details.

[Chance]

Visit your nearby Lowe's.

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Lamine Yamal steps into McDonald's, looks left, sees Pulisic, looks right, sees Jimenez, gives a nod to Ronaldinho in the corner with a FIFA World cup meal. Ronaldinho sees son in the booth. Son finds Beckham going for extra Big Mac sauce. He's got Davies at the table just behind him. Davies going for his collectible cup. A steal by Henry, who pulls his own collectible cup. Collect one of nine legendary cups with a FIFA World cup meal at participating

[Shane]

McDonald's for a limited time while supplies last.

[Commercial Narrator]

All rights reserved.

[Shane]

2026 McDonald's at FIF for World Cup 2026. Hello, and welcome to Smosh Reads Reddit Stories.

I'm Shane, and today is our annual Pride episode.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Shane]

It's a party, and I am joined by two lovely people.

I'm joined by Chance.

[Chance]

Yay.

[Shane]

And a good friend of Smosh, Jared Goldstein is here. Hello.

[Jared Goldstein]

Why did you guys ask me to do this one?

[Courtney]

What?

[Shane]

I don't.

[Courtney]

It's just we thought that you would enjoy the episode.

[Shane]

Oh, sure.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You thought you'd be a fan of that. You just thought. You know, Jared, this is technically the

second Red Stories that we've done together.

[Courtney]

Yes.

[Shane]

When this is airing.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

But tomorrow, as of recording this, we're gonna be doing Reddit live.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yes, we are.

[Shane]

So we'll see how that goes. But by the time this airs, this will be. In a second, we'll have known that it went great and the audience loved it.

[Lowe's Announcer]

Whoa.

[Courtney]

Yes.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yes.

[Shane]

Y.

[Jared Goldstein]

And all those prize giveaways.

[Shane]

Yes.

All the cars.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yes.

[Shane]

That we drive into the audience. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're gonna love it. Anyways, is this our fourth Pride episode?

[Courtney]

Wow.

[Shane]

Been doing this show forever.

[Courtney]

That's a long time to be doing Pride.

[Shane]

I feel like these have become, like, the big episode of the year. I feel like.

[Courtney]

I don't know. There's a lot of gays on Reddit.

[Shane]

Guess so.

[Jared Goldstein]

We're everywhere now.

[Shane]

Yeah.

Yeah.

[Courtney]

But we always were.

[Shane]

Always were. But mainly on Reddit.

Jared, are you how familiar with Reddit are you?

[Jared Goldstein]

I'm pretty familiar with Reddit. I use it mostly to look at purses.

[Shane]

Oh, Very specific.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah, that's kind of my main use for Reddit right now.

[Shane]

Well, very cool.

Well, we're going to be diving into all sorts of parts of Reddit, but all of it having to do with

pride of some sort. I've been informed that some of these

stories are your typical Reddit stories. Just might have a couple who's gay in it.

[Courtney]

Oh, so I hope there's some straight pride in here too.

[Shane]

The worst prank we ever pull. We do a Pride episode and they're all just straight and we just don't acknowledge it. Just like. Anyways, so.

Alright, let's hop into our first story here.

Our first story comes from today.

I fucked up. And it was posted in September of 2020.

And they write, today I fucked up by having sex with the father of

a woman I dated at a later date.

[Courtney]

Whoa.

[Shane]

Damn.

[Jared Goldstein]

That's like us with this second recording

[Shane]

coming before this, before the live show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very similar. They write. Okay, so yeah, it's messed up.

This happened years ago.

A few years ago I met a

bisexual dude who was around 25 years older than me.

I was 23 at the time. We met through an app similar to Grindr, which we meet up, hook up, and that's the end of it.

Never met again.

Around two weeks or so later, I

started dating this 20 year old girl.

Things are going okay and about three weeks into the relationship we are walking through a park when she stops me and tells me that her dad is

there and I should meet him.

It's a bit soon, sure, but it's not formal or anything, so I agree. Lo and behold, her daddy is the dude that was calling me daddy a few weeks back. We both freeze and stare at each other in absolute horror, not knowing what to say. We awkwardly shake hands and the girl

attributes it to nervousness.

Two weeks go by and one day she calls me to meet up. When I get there, she is absolutely fuming. Like I can literally see smoke coming

out of her ears. She goes off on me about how I could possibly do this to her.

I obviously have zero clue what she's on about. She tells me that her dad came

clean to her and her mom about being bisexual and told his daughter, who my girlfriend, to break up with me so he can be with me.

[Courtney]

Whoa.

[Shane]

And apparently it was my fault because I was the one that turned him gay. So she throws a plastic container at me and storms off. Never heard from any of them again.

[Courtney]

Pussy.

[Jared Goldstein]

So good, so good,

[Shane]

so good.

[Courtney]

Also, I love the I obviously have no idea what she's so mad about

[Shane]

what even happened.

[Sponsor Voice]

Dude.

[Auto Trader Announcer]

Whoa.

[Shane]

Um, this is not the first.

This is one of, like five stories we've read of, like, a person hooking up with someone's parents from the past and not realizing it.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah. There was a threesome story. That was real crazy.

[Courtney]

DNA is powerful.

[Shane]

Yeah. He has a type.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

If the dad had not confessed the daughter. Uh huh. And they get. He's like, okay, the dad and I

have this secret daughter doesn't know.

[Jared Goldstein]

That's a rom com. But keep going.

[Shane]

There's still no world that that relationship can work.

You gotta break up.

You can't harbor that secret.

[Courtney]

You can't harbor that secret.

[Shane]

No, you gotta go.

No, no, that's too much.

[Courtney]

You gotta go or. Well, the dad already knows, so.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And that's like the most extreme version of it.

I don't think there's any version of,

like, if you dated someone's sibling and then you're dating, like, that would be tough. Like, there's no. There's just. It's like too much.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Gotta bounce.

[Courtney]

But then it's like, can you figure it out?

[Jared Goldstein]

Just imagine every holiday.

[Courtney]

Yes.

[Jared Goldstein]

Every birthday dinner, you're just sitting across from that guy you hooked up with. With that girl you're hooking up with. That's like, you can't. No, it is kind of. It is a little hot. Like just as like a thought experiment.

[Courtney]

Sure.

[Jared Goldstein]

Like, I'm thinking, like, I keep like, kind of thinking going, like, well, this sounds cool, but it's a bad thing.

[Shane]

The idea of it. I could see people being like, oh, yeah, all right. As a play.

But in real life. Yeah.

No, yeah.

[Jared Goldstein]

No, no.

[Shane]

There's also the fact that the dad is married.

[Jared Goldstein]

Okay.

[Shane]

So it's an affair.

But also that the dad confesses and then says, hey, you need to break

up with him so that I can be with him.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

No.

[Shane]

Damn.

[Jared Goldstein]

The dad wants the daughter to break up.

[Courtney]

This dad is like 25 years is a lot of years.

[Shane]

It's a lot of years.

[Courtney]

That's a lot of years.

[Shane]

He's 23 and the dad is 48 or 50.

[Courtney]

Yeah, 48.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah, 48.

[Shane]

Just roughly around that age. So that's a big.

There's a lot.

There's a lot of layers to this.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And then you add on top, of

course, that the daughter is saying, like, that he made him gay.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Shane]

So you know, and I understand she's in a very heated moment, but still,

it's just like, hey, and don't throw plastic Containers at people.

You know, Styrofoam if you have to. Even if someone has sex with your dad.

Come on.

Don't throw a plastic container at home. Don't do that.

We've got some comments here.

Someone said this sounds like a plot

to a porn movie without the happy ending.

[Courtney]

I mean, it's almost euphoria.

[Shane]

I was gonna say this is making

me think of euphoria.

[Courtney]

Oh.

[Shane]

Cause, yeah, that's.

[Courtney]

It's close.

[Shane]

Yeah.

Hunter Schaefer's character and. Yeah, yeah, I remember that scene.

Yeah. They're at like a carnival, right?

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And when they meet and he's just like, hey, yeah, all right. Yes. Oh, yeah.

This is just euphoria.

Someone said, biggest oof.

Is him telling your girlfriend to break up with you so he could be with you.

That's on him, not you.

He had stuff to work through for sure. Rough luck.

Try not to think of yourself as

a home wrecker because none of this is on you.

Lastly, someone said the horrors.

Hopefully you don't have recurring nightmares from this horrific experience. Best of luck, Op. Hopefully daddy doesn't come looking for more action from you.

Must have been good if he wanted

to leave his family for you.

Bright side thoughts?

[Jared Goldstein]

Sure, sure. Honestly, a glowing review of the eye.

[Shane]

Yeah, definitely. Truly, you gotta. At least you walk away feeling pretty

good about yourself in some ways. But get as far away as possible.

[Jared Goldstein]

That's something to be proud of. This June.

[Shane]

True. Yeah.

[Courtney]

All right.

[Shane]

A crazy story. I don't know much else to say. What else do you say?

[Jared Goldstein]

Okay, it was me. I do want to say we got him, Jared.

[Shane]

We brought him here because we know we got him.

We got you.

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[Shane]

It's hard to decide how to dress when. I want to look good on set,

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[Shane]

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[Shane]

next story comes from Am I the asshole?

[Lowe's Announcer]

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[Chance]

Visit your nearby Lowe's.

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[Shane]

This is posted in March of 2020.

They write. Am I the asshole for not telling

a bunch of random women I'm gay?

[Courtney]

Ooh.

[Shane]

So I, a 23 year old man

turning 24 soon, am gay.

I've been out since I was 18

and I've never hidden it, but I don't like actively mentioning it or broadcasting it because it's literally nobody's business.

The first person I came out to

was my dad who's 40 and he

has always been supportive of me. He was 16 when I was born

and practically raised me as a single dad, so we have an exceptionally close relationship. Anyway, onto the story. My dad recently turned 40 only earlier this month he had a huge party and drank a bit too much and was severely hungover the following morning.

He's a freelance photographer and had accepted

a contract with a local business and was meant to hand in some photography work he'd done for them. The morning after his birthday, he was

too hungover to do so, so he asked if I'd do it. He called their office to tell them

he was sending his son with the work. And I went in, everything was fine. And I ended up meeting a bunch of people he's currently working with.

They knew I was my dad's son

as he talks with them.

I had some conversation with them to

be nice, and a few of the younger women started flirting with me.

A few of them called me attractive

and stuff like that. And I kind of just stood there awkwardly.

It was just wild that straight women

were hitting on me. I didn't encourage it or anything, but I didn't say anything as I was too embarrassed. And I eventually said I had to run off and off I went.

My dad went in the day after

and he was questioned about if I was single.

He said, no, I wasn't and that

I had a boyfriend. And that was all he said.

Well, turns out these women then started blatantly calling me an asshole as I

apparently let them embarrass themselves by openly hitting on me when there was no

chance I'd ever be interested. My dad did fight in my corner and said that I was literally there

to just drop off his work and that I had no obligation to disclose I was gay.

I'm thankful my dad's on my side,

but these women calling me an asshole kind of makes me feel bad for not saying anything.

Am I the asshole?

[Courtney]

Who are these women?

[Jared Goldstein]

Damn.

[Shane]

Hell, Again, it was me.

[Jared Goldstein]

I was. I got the flaw. I was mad. I was mad.

[Shane]

Wow. He walks in there and they're just like.

They're like, woo.

[Courtney]

Yeah, they must be.

[Shane]

Get over here. They're like, you're not interested in us?

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

What the fuck? You fucking monster. Yeah, it's like. So if he had a girlfriend, it

would have been no different.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah, I think that he is the asshole. Because if it's March of 2020, you shouldn't be going into the office.

[Shane]

You're right. This is like 10 days after.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yes, you should be social distancing.

[Shane]

Yeah.

Get away from him.

[Jared Goldstein]

You're crazy. Don't tell anyone anything.

[Shane]

Regardless of orientation, you stay away. Yeah, that is so funny.

[Courtney]

But you definitely don't have to. You can definitely get hit on and you don't have to disclose your sexuality.

[Shane]

No, no, wait.

[Jared Goldstein]

Can I tell a story about the time the hottest girl ever hit on me?

[Shane]

Of course you can tell a story.

[Jared Goldstein]

Okay, so the hottest girl Ever hit on me. And then she asked me outright if I was gay. And in a panic, I said no.

[Courtney]

Okay?

[Jared Goldstein]

I lied. I said no, and then I ran away. And then I ran to my friend, and I was like, this beautiful girl is hitting on me. And she asked me if I was gay, and I told her that I wasn't. And then my friend was like, why did you do that? And I was like, I don't know. I just. Just give me a minute. I think I can figure this out. I was like, I can figure.

[Shane]

Figure out how to stop, how to be straight.

[Jared Goldstein]

Like, you don't say no to this woman. She's gorgeous.

[Courtney]

But it is a spectrum. And you did say, this woman, it was hot. So there could be a part of you where it's like, if I say yes right now, it's shutting down this window. She's asking. Cause she's like, are you interested in me? She should have said something else. Not, are you gay? But it sounds like you were attracted to me.

[Shane]

It's really interesting. Yeah.

That she blatantly flirted with you and

then was like, all right, so.

By the way, I know.

[Jared Goldstein]

Is this hitting? She could kind of tell. She could tell.

[Shane]

I mean, hello. She could tell.

[Jared Goldstein]

But basically, like, I kind of. I hid from her for the rest of the night. We had exchanged information. We did ultimately become friends. And then about a month later, I had to tell her, hey, I'm gay. I've been openly gay for a while. I was just really flattered that you were interested in me. And when you asked me if I was gay, I lied.

[Shane]

And we're still friends to this day. What did she say to you?

[Jared Goldstein]

She just got married.

[Shane]

What did she say?

[Jared Goldstein]

She was really flattered. We had a good laugh about it.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Okay. So was she hitting on you with the purpose of wanting to date, or

was she just, like. She was flirty.

[Jared Goldstein]

She wanted to marry me.

[Shane]

Fuck, dude.

[Jared Goldstein]

She wanted all of this.

[Shane]

Damn.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Damn.

[Shane]

Well, hey.

[Courtney]

Got it.

[Shane]

It's a compliment.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah. Yeah. It was flattering for both of us.

[Courtney]

I think Courtney just sent me a TikTok that were like, gay men are still men. And it's like a woman with her two gay shoes.

[Shane]

She showed me that, and they're really hot.

[Courtney]

And she's just, like, watching them on the beach, like, wrestling stuff. Yeah. They're like, carrying her down the mountain a little bit.

[Shane]

Yeah. Isn't there a Sex and the City

episode about how gay men are the hottest men, and they're just like, oh, why are they all the hottest.

[Courtney]

Yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

Anyways.

[Courtney]

But it's also, like, we can still be the objects of women's desires.

[Shane]

Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Courtney]

I mean, we are still men.

[Shane]

Yeah, for sure.

[Jared Goldstein]

And he did not have to tell those ladies that he was gay.

[Chance]

No, no.

[Shane]

He didn't have to tell them shit

[Jared Goldstein]

at his dad's office about the. That might have been inappropriate.

[Courtney]

Super inappropriate.

[Shane]

There's many lad. It's a professional capacity. Yeah, it's like. It's a professional capacity.

Like, he's like, hey, I'm here for business.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I don't have to tell you shit.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Stop flirting with me. That's unprofessional.

[Jared Goldstein]

Imagine going to your dad's office and being like, so I'm gay, everybody.

[Courtney]

Hey.

[Jared Goldstein]

Right, come get me.

[Shane]

You run away with the photos. So, like, we gotta get those.

[Jared Goldstein]

Oh, my God, your dad's at a photocopier. Like, can you please go home?

[Shane]

Please stop.

[Courtney]

The dad also sounds chill.

[Shane]

Dad sounds chill as hell.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

The verdict was not the asshole comments. Not the asshole.

It's none of their business, really. If they're embarrassed that they hit on a stranger, maybe they shouldn't hit on strangers.

Op said, it's just wild to me

that they did this in their place of work. I was only there to drop off my dad's work.

Someone said, not the asshole.

Your sexuality is nobody else's business unless you choose to share the information. They made themselves feel foolish.

Op said, I was more baffled that

straight women were hitting on me.

That has not happened to me in years. Lastly, someone said, not the asshole. Also, kind of hard to seamlessly work

in the fact that you're gay when doing so would require calling them out on their flirting, which they might end up denying and making you look like an asshole.

[Jared Goldstein]

Fair.

[Shane]

See, I don't really have much, like,

frame of reference in my perspective. I feel like I've never been hit on in my life. Right?

Like, I don't. But I think that I'm a bad read of it, probably because then. Then there's times where, like, no, no,

[Jared Goldstein]

no, you've never been.

[Shane]

Don't worry, you're good at reading. You definitely have been. No, definitely, definitely never happened. But then, like, Courtney and I will be walking and she'll be like.

She'll be like, that person checked you out. And I'll be like, really? Like, sick? And she'll be like, stop, stop, stop.

[Courtney]

That sick.

[Chance]

Wow.

[Shane]

Pretty cool. Yeah, No, I think I'm just. I just know I'm a bad read of it, so. I could see why if I thought.

Or like, I'm like, oh. I would just be like, oh, no, they're just nice.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

They're just kind or whatever. So I would totally.

[Courtney]

And see in my delusional brain, I'm like, they're hitting on me, and they're not hitting on me.

[Shane]

I feel like there's definitely been times

a similar story where women are, like, hitting on you.

[Courtney]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah.

And do you disclose or do you just Are like.

[Courtney]

Just like, hey, yeah, I think I'll disclose in a way that's not like, I'm gay. It'll be like, yes.

[Auto Trader Announcer]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

I'd be like, oh, my God, that is so funny. Let me see. Let me see.

[Shane]

And then they cry.

They're like, damn.

[Courtney]

They're like, damn.

[Sponsor Voice]

Shit.

[Courtney]

But I definitely went through a phase in Chicago where I would definitely entertain women as well.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

After I was out and things.

[Shane]

Okay, cool.

[Courtney]

Okay, cool. Okay. But then sometimes they'd be like, you're gay. And I'd be like, I mean, yes, kind of, yes, you're allowed to do what? Do whatever. T. But then it's like, yeah, that's such a shutdown for so many people, too. It's like, maybe less so now. But especially I was just seeing on Twitter, it was like,

[Shane]

there's, like, a

[Courtney]

whole group of women who don't want their men to be any type of gay at all. It's a big turnoff for them.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

But it's interesting, too. Cause I feel like men. Straight men aren't usually like, ew. Women who like other women. Gross.

[Shane]

Yeah. I'm not attracted to that.

[Courtney]

In fact, it's the opposite.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

They're like, yeah, make out right now.

[Shane]

And everyone's like, what?

[Courtney]

Steve?

[Shane]

No, I know. There's that episode of.

What's that show? The HBO show, How I Met yout Mother.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

The other two.

[Shane]

There was an. No, it wasn't girls. But it's similar to that. It was the show where she has

a friend who is dating this guy, and then he's like, hey, I have something to tell you. I. I hooked up with a guy once, and whatever.

And then she, like, can't handle it.

[Courtney]

Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

[Shane]

And it was just kind of like. I remember watching that and just being like, oh, that's so interesting. Cause I like, why.

You know? But it's just the things that are fucking.

[Courtney]

I think that's why it makes it so scary for so many straight men to come out too.

[Shane]

Totally.

[Courtney]

They're like, well.

[Shane]

And it's probably why bisexual men are so like, yeah, sucks.

[Courtney]

So if you're gonna come out, you gotta do a noun. Just kidding.

[Auto Trader Announcer]

No.

[Shane]

Our next story comes from Am I the asshole? Posted in 2022Am I the asshole for not reacting right to a colleague telling me he is gay? Okay, okay. I feel like I could be in

the wrong here, even if I don't understand why.

To be honest, there have been incidents

in the past where I have unwittingly been rude without intending to. And there are some social norms that escape my understanding, which is why I would appreciate some impartial, unbiased input. And I'm posting here one of my colleagues, H, technically I am his boss. Not sure if that matters.

[Jared Goldstein]

H stands for homo,

[Shane]

Came into my office today. I have an open door policy to

encourage team members to come forward and share their ideas. So this was not that unusual.

H came into my office and said, I am gay.

[Courtney]

Okay.

[Shane]

I thought he was going to say something else, so I waited for him to continue. Ten minutes goes by. After a moment, I made a sound of ascent to make it clear I heard him, but he still didn't say anything. Since he was staring at me, I

assumed he was trying to convey something I wasn't understanding.

Here's where I might have messed up.

The first thing I asked my friend specifically scolded me because this was the first thing I said was if he

had any insights in marketing to that demographic. We work in a marketing firm. He said he didn't. I asked him if he was getting married and needed time off. This too, I have been informed, was

an asshole ish response.

He said he wasn't married. I finally said that if he had

nothing else he wanted to discuss, he should leave.

As I had a meeting starting in a few minutes and needed the office. He left shortly afterwards. A mutual friend scolded me and said I was a right asshole for the way I responded to H. Am I the asshole for how I responded? If so, could you please explain what I did wrong, what should have been

the right response, and how I can fix this?

[Courtney]

Why do I feel like he's summarizing what the guy actually said?

[Shane]

You think the guy went on like a handicap, just like, hey buddy.

Yeah, that and I need to tell you something. This is the hardest thing I've ever

[Courtney]

done and there's a lot of fluff. There's a lot of fluff there.

[Shane]

But he's saying that the guy walks

in, just, I'm gay. Yeah.

[Jared Goldstein]

And then Kind of.

[Courtney]

I'm picturing the meme of the person going, you know what I'm talking about? They're, like, staring at each other. Maybe.

[Shane]

I probably know.

I probably.

[Jared Goldstein]

You know memes, right?

[Shane]

I know memes so well.

I think the guy. I think OP was just trying to, like, not make a big deal out of it. OP was just like.

[Courtney]

Which is best case scenario for me personally.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Jared Goldstein]

Do we think that this. I'm curious how out this guy was at the time.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Jared Goldstein]

Is this, like. Is this the first person he's telling? Is this the. Is there a reason he's telling? Is this his boss?

[Shane]

He said. He said, yeah, OP is this guy's boss.

[Jared Goldstein]

He's the boss.

[Shane]

Technically, I am his boss.

Not sure if that matters. I think it does matter.

[Jared Goldstein]

For sure.

[Shane]

It absolutely does matter. Because it's like, as boss, you can't. Like, you gotta be careful with how

you talk to this person.

I could also feel like maybe this

is just from working here at Smosh. I'm like, I don't know who's gay and who isn't.

Like, I don't know, like, someone might be out for so long that they're

just like, I'm just not gay.

[Jared Goldstein]

I just wanna say that.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

[Courtney]

I'm also not gay.

[Shane]

We know that.

[Jared Goldstein]

We're not gay.

[Shane]

Yeah, we know that. But he might just be like, oh, duh. Like, okay.

He's just taking it on as I

do love the initial.

Like, so how can we apply this to our business?

Is this, like a business outfit or what? So how do we make money on this?

[Jared Goldstein]

He's like, being a stage mom.

[Shane]

Yeah. We need to capitalize off this. Okay, good. Good stuff. I like, also, like, are you getting married? Like, yeah.

[Courtney]

That's sweet. That's kind of sweet.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah. Like, oh, you're gay and you've also. You're doing well, guys just like, no. And someone loves you.

[Courtney]

So what are we doing here? Ah. Okay.

[Jared Goldstein]

He's like, are you proposing to me?

[Shane]

Yeah. What would you do in this situation?

Let's John Quinones this.

[Courtney]

Well, if someone says I'm gay to me, I'm like, I know now.

[Auto Trader Announcer]

What?

[Courtney]

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that.

[Shane]

Yes.

[Jared Goldstein]

So, okay, so what if someone came up, everybody and said, what if your employee came up to you and they said, I'm straight?

[Courtney]

I'd be like, no, you're not sure.

[Jared Goldstein]

Be like, are you getting married?

[Courtney]

And how can I make money off this?

[Shane]

Yeah, I guess maybe the response that people were thinking, he would say is just like oh that's great.

[Courtney]

Cool.

[Shane]

Yeah nice. I support you and as your boss, you're

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[Shane]

Like everything's good. Everything's good.

[Courtney]

So strange.

[Shane]

Well like I just. There's no like when you're like not expecting that.

[Jared Goldstein]

No, totally.

[Shane]

What do you do?

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah, literally.

[Shane]

What do you say the verdict is not the asshole.

[Courtney]

No, I don't think so either.

[Shane]

Comments not the asshole. Isn't this sort of the long term

goal for when someone comes out for

it not to be a thing and

just business as usual?

Yeah, someone else said I can even understand the this is a big deal for me.

Can I get a little bit bigger reaction please? Feeling when coming out to family but

your boss not the asshole.

I'm not a supervisor of anyone but if I were, I would have no idea how to respond to an employee coming out to me with no other reason like reporting harassment.

Asking about marketing is a total foot and mouth moment. But that's what happens during those deer

in the headlights moments.

Lastly, someone said thank you for trusting Me enough to confide in me as your boss.

Is there something that you need from me besides my support?

That is what OP needed to say.

[Courtney]

That's too damn much. I'm sorry. That is a lot.

[Shane]

Acknowledge what he was just told and

figure out if there there was a work related reason he was being told.

That is like the textbook perfect response. But I understand that some people like

thrown for a loop.

Don't. He didn't say anything wrong.

He just also didn't give the textbook HR response.

[Commercial Narrator]

Yeah, sure.

[Jared Goldstein]

These are some very empathic commenters.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah. But the problem is when you're reading

a Reddit story, you get time to think about it.

Whereas when you're presented in the moment, you gotta fly.

[Rakuten Announcer]

Yeah.

[Jared Goldstein]

You have a gay guy staring you down in your office.

[Shane]

I'm like, what do I do? There's no escape. You get up and run. You're like calculating. Can I make it to the door in time or not? You start sweating. He jumps out the window,

[Courtney]

he presses a button. I'm gay. Oh, that's great, Ethan.

[Shane]

And he ejects himself out of the building. And the gay guy's like, damn. Get him next time we have an update.

[Courtney]

He's not gay. They're both gay. Oh my God.

[Jared Goldstein]

The boss is gay.

[Shane]

One year later. Okay. Oh, Shane, you can't read ahead. What do we think?

[Courtney]

You have to read it out loud.

[Shane]

What do we think? What do you think

[Courtney]

he had a crush on.

[Shane]

You have no info. Oh, you have no info.

[Jared Goldstein]

That's a good. That's. I like that.

[Courtney]

Whoa.

[Jared Goldstein]

So he was hitting on him.

[Shane]

He was. Oh, okay.

[Lowe's Announcer]

Whoa.

[Shane]

That's a good guess.

[Courtney]

Cause then he goes, I'm gay. And he's like, me too.

[Sponsor Voice]

Aw.

[Courtney]

And I made the pillow into a diamond. So that's the real update. Nice.

[Shane]

Wow, that's really moldable.

[Courtney]

Yeah, I didn't know and now I'm really excited to fidget with it.

[Shane]

This is fun. I never really thought I would ever

post an update, but I wanted to share the good news.

Nearly a year, nearly a year after

my junior colleague H unexpectedly came out to me at work, he's become engaged to my brother.

At the advice of this forum, I had a follow up conversation with H

to ensure that he was not facing any type of harassment or discrimination.

Oh my God.

[Jared Goldstein]

So we have the opposite reaction.

[Shane]

I had a follow up conversation with H to ensure that he was not

facing any type of harassment or discrimination

and to try to understand what prompted his exclamation.

And it fortunately was nothing major.

A month later, my parents finally got

the courage to ask Jay, my father's assistant, about adoption.

My parents had met Jay several years

ago when he was huddling by the side of the road.

He had aged out of the foster

system, but due to lack of support, he could not get a job and was homeless.

My parents had invited him to spend

the night, and he has been working as my father's assistant ever since. Jay has been like a second son to my parents for a long time. And after a late night conversation, when Jay opened up to how alone he sometimes felt because he had no parents asked him how he would feel about

adult adoption, I wasn't there when they asked him.

But at the family dinner afterwards, it was very emotional and long overdue.

However, as the days went on, Jay

seemed to get more and more anxious and seemed to withdraw from us.

Nearly a month later, he told us

in a shaking voice that he couldn't go through with the adoption because he had been deceiving us.

He was gay now.

Throughout all his time with my family, Jay had never dated. We all had assumed he was just shy or uninterested. So it was heartbreaking to hear that he felt he needed to censor himself

and that he thought we would leave

him if we knew the truth.

It was a painful conversation, but ended

happily, and the next day, Jay went with my parents to file the paperwork.

At that time, my siblings and I

were wondering how we could show Jay he had nothing to worry about. When I remembered H and asked him

if I could share his email with J. I had been thinking that it would be good for J to have a friend who was out.

I never imagined they would start dating and become engaged.

[Jared Goldstein]

Wow.

[Shane]

Aw, that's really sweet.

I did have the thought when his

brother came out to him, he's like, I'm gay. He was like, so do you have

any marketing skills that you think would be good? That's also really funny. Just like, I know another gay guy.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And I give you his email, and he's like, for sure. And then they got married.

[Courtney]

That's wild.

[Jared Goldstein]

Wow.

[Shane]

Is pretty fun.

[Courtney]

You did a good job.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Sponsor Voice]

Wow.

[Shane]

He's better than grinding.

[Courtney]

Cause I'll say, a lot of people, that used to be a thing. It was like, maybe like a while ago. But when I used to talk about being gay with people, they'd be like, oh my God, you need to meet my friend. And the friend would be like, so not for me. Like, we were not a match at all. But the only two gay people, that person Knew in their life. They're like, I have the perfect guy for you.

[Shane]

Oh, what is he like?

[Courtney]

Well, he's gay. End of list.

[Jared Goldstein]

Okay.

[Shane]

Oh, my God.

[Courtney]

But it sounds like he did a good job.

[Shane]

He did a great job. I mean, he didn't intend to. He wasn't trying to set him up.

He was just like, oh, like, sure, I'll help you out. You feel alone. So you don't.

[Courtney]

Sure.

[Jared Goldstein]

That happened to me in college and it was like probably a year after I came out and it had never occurred to me that anyone in the world would ever come out to me.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Jared Goldstein]

You know, I was like, ugh. It was cool.

[Courtney]

That's awesome.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah. I felt like.

[Courtney]

What was your approach?

[Jared Goldstein]

Well, you kind of just get to say everything that you either liked when someone said to you or just hoped that someone said to you, and then you just get to do it for.

[Courtney]

It's very cool.

[Jared Goldstein]

And then later in life, another friend of mine came out to me and it was fantastic because you get to tell people the thing you needed to hear. And it. And it's amazing. Come out to me. If you're in the closet, Come out to me.

[Shane]

Find Jared.

[Jared Goldstein]

I have so much good stuff to say to you.

[Shane]

If you want, you have a billboard next to the highway. Just like, call Jared.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

Very sweet.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah. That's really cool. I think that's such an honor to

be someone that, like, someone trusted you.

[Courtney]

Someone trusted you that much.

[Shane]

Yeah.

Like, it's a really cool thing. But I understand in a workplace and as a boss, you're trying to like,

okay, let me navigate this.

[Courtney]

Especially at work.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Going into their office. Yeah.

[Shane]

Damn.

What if that guy, he clearly is like prophetic.

Like he's like, I need to come out to my boss so that he hooks me up with future brother.

[Sponsor Voice]

Smart.

[Courtney]

Yeah, sure. Nice. So he does have marketing strategies.

[Auto Trader Announcer]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

I'm the strategy market me.

[Rakuten Announcer]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Our next story.

Okay, this comes from. Am I the asshole? Am I the asshole for not telling

the nurse at my niece's school about my profession?

[Jared Goldstein]

Say no more.

[Shane]

My niece's nice nurse.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I, a 29 year old woman, was

supposed to pick up my niece Sophie, who's 7, from elementary school and spend

a day with her.

It was all mentioned before to the school and I've picked her up a few times before. Sophie was running towards me, but she tripped and fell down. Her knee was bruised and she started crying like crazy. I took her to the nurse's office immediately. The nurse was in her early 20s and helped Sophie with cleaning up her wound and dressing. I tell my niece a lot about my line of work, so she asked me if she was going to need stitches, if so, how many and what kind, et cetera.

The nurse was impressed. She showed Sophie a few items of

equipment she had and asked if Sophie wanted to be a nurse like her.

Sophie said, no, she wanted to be

a doctor like her aunt, AKA me.

The nurse got a bit upset and

asked me why I didn't say anything about this. I was honestly confused.

I was like, why?

Why would I need to even mention it?

I even threw in a compliment, saying

she was quite good at her job and I enjoyed witnessing a professional at work. She said I was being too generous with my comments.

I told her I was being honest

and thanked her for taking care of Sophie's knee. Right when Sophie and I were leaving, she said she'd never be able to guess my line of work correctly because I look better than most of my colleagues. I thanked her again and said I appreciated her help.

She said I still owed her for

not telling her my job and that it felt like I was testing her or deliberately trying to see how she was doing.

I apologized and said that's not what

I meant and that I knew she was more than capable of doing her job well.

She said, maybe I could find a

way to make it up to her properly. And I was like, sure, but Sophie and I need to go now.

I don't know if I was rude,

but this had me thinking, should I have told her about my job? I love that this person wrote this

all out and didn't see the signs.

[Jared Goldstein]

Also, which one's gay? Who's the gay one?

[Shane]

Oh, my God, that's hilarious. To write that out and just be

like, yeah, anyways, yeah.

And then the next watch, if there's an update, it's like, so we went on like five dates, but I don't

know if she's gay. But anyway, we're figuring it out.

We only have. We have a couple comments. Someone said, lol, she's flirting hard and you're oblivious.

Yeah.

OP said, I can certainly see it now.

Honestly, this is embarrassing.

Someone said, you know what? You're right.

You're right.

This is, you know, going back to the previous story.

This is a really valid time where

it's just like, no, you shouldn't just say, I'm gay.

Yeah, just say that at times just in case.

[Jared Goldstein]

I'm the gay nurse.

[Courtney]

It's me.

[Shane]

Hi, I'm your niece's gay nurse. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I work at the school.

I'm gay. It's crazy. Someone said, poor Sophie is going to

have to take one for the team and go down so you can meet the nurse again.

[Courtney]

Aw, that's cute.

[Shane]

Niece keeps getting hurt.

The nurse is like, hey, can you get injured again? Yeah. Someone said, lol. Well, you can maybe send her flowers

as a thank you for Sophie's knee and see how that goes if you really want to take her out for a date.

[Jared Goldstein]

Ooh.

[Courtney]

Ooh, that's good.

[Shane]

She said she'd never be able to

guess my line of work correctly because I look better than most of my colleagues.

Like, wow. Well, you're pretty hot for a doctor. Yeah.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Most doctors are gross. Yeah, but you're hot.

I do think that I owed her

for not telling her my job and that it felt like I was to

be like, oh, you owe me. That feels like very flirty behavior.

[Courtney]

Yeah, definitely.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

I would pick up on that.

And I'm bad at picking up on flirty.

[Jared Goldstein]

I know. Yeah. Although honestly, I kind of didn't pick up on it. Reading, Just listening.

[Shane]

Really.

[Jared Goldstein]

I'm hearing it now and it's all very clear, but I think we're reading

[Shane]

it with the context of like, it's

an am I the asshole? Post.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

Oh, she pissed her off. But like, putting those words aside and

then picturing the context, I'm like, no,

this feels like this was.

[Courtney]

I'll also say there are angry flirters. People who like, totally their madness. Or when they kind of bite at you, is them flirting. Like, they're actually mean. It's like very elementary school.

[Shane]

Yeah. I do recall.

I think there was a time. I think there was a case. Yes.

I'm not lying here where talking to some. Talking to this girl from like that

I had known back in elementary and middle school. She was like, oh, I thought you were cute. And I was like, you were an. An asshole to me. But I was like, oh, that's.

It was this.

[Courtney]

That's what it was.

[Shane]

That was also like prime sarcasm era. Like millennials. We wouldn't do that. Like the aughts were just sarcasm town.

[Auto Trader Announcer]

Yeah.

[Shane]

So it's like if you like someone,

it's like, I gotta show you. I'm the most sarcastic person in the world.

And it's like, oh, so you just hate me.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

But that seems like this person's maybe a little sarcastic. A little bit like. Yeah.

[Sponsor Voice]

Update.

[Courtney]

Ooh.

[Shane]

First of all, thanks for your lovely

comments on my original post.

I appreciate every single one and I

would like to thank everyone who took the time to give their input on the situation.

As you could see in the original

post, I was absolutely clueless during the whole interaction and missed the flirting part altogether.

So I took your advice, asked my

sister to let me babysit Sophia again, and picked her up from school. Around 10 minutes before school was over, I went to the nurse's office with a bouquet of flowers and thanked the nurse for taking care of my niece's knee and asked her if I had the opportunity to make up for my rudeness from the last visit. Thankfully, she agreed.

We went on a date last night. It included a late evening walk by

the beach and dinner. By the end of the night, I showed her the post and I think it is safe to say she was as amused as every single one of the commenters and she can barely stop teasing me about it.

So, overall, thank you so much for

your comments and help. Wow, she came out to her as a Redditor.

Yeah, that's really nice. That's pride and that's brah. Okay, the last time the OP has

updated her Reddit account, they've been dating for seven months.

[Courtney]

Oh my God, love is real.

[Shane]

That was two years ago, but that's the last time we got an update. But maybe she's like seven months is a long story. You know what? We're together, we're happy.

I'm gonna stop getting on Reddit.

[Chance]

And that's growth.

[Shane]

And that's growth.

[Courtney]

Wow, that's beautiful. So.

[Shane]

Wow. Damn.

[Courtney]

So not the asshole.

[Shane]

No, not the asshole.

[Jared Goldstein]

No, no.

[Shane]

In fact, just a little bit oblivious. Just stupid as fuck.

Just a dumbass. Okay, wait, her niece is like, dude,

why are you so stupid?

[Courtney]

You didn't see that?

[Jared Goldstein]

Her niece is gushing blood from her knees.

[Shane]

Okay, our next story, let's do it. Comes from the subreddit rant this was posted in 2022. They write, have to get a paternity test done to prove I'm not the dad of my friend's baby, even though I'm gay. I don't know whether to laugh or cry over this entire situation that's unfolded

in the past six weeks.

I, a 23 year old man, have

a co worker, Robert, who I've been friends with for four years, pretty much since I started working at the factory I'm still in.

Robert, who's 32, just had his first

daughter, Chelsea, who's two months old after four boys. The boys are dang near carbon copies of him. Bleach blond, straight hair, freckled skin and I swear to God they were just born with tans.

His high school sweetheart wife, Danielle, who's

32, is a tight curled redhead with freckles for days and burns like there's no tomorrow. Their daughter from the jump had a full head of red hair that's already starting to curl.

When I got to meet her, she was two weeks old. I gasped a fellow redhead myself here

with long curly red hair and said

something along the lines of oh my God, it finally happened. The red is alive. Just being dramatic and funny. Robert goes, yeah, don't bank on that staying.

My genes are strong after all.

Danielle rolled her eyes and I shrugged

it off as a weird joke at first, but the entire time I was

there he pretty much kept going on

about how his genes would prevail.

Jump forward.

Chelsea is now five weeks old.

For three weeks, every single day Robert

would be complaining about how little of himself he sees in his daughter, how much of a stranger she is for it, that some days he thinks he's looking at another person's baby.

He only ever seemed to want to

complain to me about it, as it were.

After the fifth day in a row,

I started trying to explain how genetics work, pretty much saying genes aren't going to always drastically go one way.

Three days ago, Robert came into work

just itching for an argument with everyone. Our mutual friend Jesse asked him what his deal was on our break after he shouted at another friend for asking a work related question.

He blew up saying he knows Chelsea

isn't his, that his cheating whore of a wife just won't admit it, and he knows exactly who she was fucking around with. He then looks over at me and

points at me and yells at me

to get my ass outside.

I asked why and he starts screaming. He's not stupid.

He knows I've been trying to kiss ass to avoid his beatdown.

I'm gay, I have a male fiance, I have pride stickers all over my

car outside of work, I am a parrot of colorfulness.

I just couldn't help but laugh at him. It was just so bizarre.

And I know I wasn't the only one looking at him like he was insane either. I told him Chelsea is literally half of Danielle's genetics, that Danielle isn't a fucking incubator for his genetics, and asked him why he was so obsessed with their kids needing to look exactly like him. What's the point of that? He wouldn't answer and just kept telling me to get up before he dragged me out to the parking lot. I told him I'm not going to fight him on something this ridiculous and asked him if he was trying to get fired. He starts demanding I take a paternity test and again I asked him if he was completely serious.

He said he was because I spend

so much time with Danielle.

He's not necessarily wrong, but she's a

part of the girlfriend group I'm part of. There's five of us in total. We do artsy stuff, try new places, just hang out and do whatever, but never stuff like that.

I told him to go take a

paternity test for himself. He argued that he's not paying for a test he knows the truth to. I told him I'm not paying for a paternity test and then asked which redhead in the factory he was gonna accuse next. The exchange ended when our shift manager came in for a break. I texted Danielle and told her exactly what happened. The next day was my day off, so my phone was on silent and I slept in. Woke up to Elliot, my partner getting off the phone and telling me I should check my phone.

I had been bombarded with dozens of

messages and missed calls. Threatening voicemails from Robert because Danielle had kicked him out. He decided to get Elliot's number out of Danielle's phone to tell him his version of events. I'd already told Elliot the night before, so he was just baffled how certain Robert was. Danielle did text me a few times, apologizing on his behalf and then updating me. They were getting a paternity test, she's filing for divorce, that she has no idea why he'd think such a thing. My partner thinks it's hilariously sad Robert destroyed his marriage like this. This morning while getting ready for work, Robert texted me saying he has the money and when the test comes back with the truth, he'd F me up in court for what I've done. How I've ruined not only his life but his kids lives and everyone in their family's lives too. Idiot really has gone around telling everyone I'm the dad.

I agreed to the test and told

him he may as well quit his job and just vanish after this because it's gonna be real embarrassing when I walk in with the paperwork and wave it around saying I'm not the daddy to his red headed child and he has to explain to everyone, including his own children, what an absolute idiot he is.

Our friends have been giving me the

cold shoulder all day, pretty much saying yeah, they don't think I'm the dad for sure, but I'm a trash friend for going straight to his wife and getting him thrown out of his own house and being forced to sleep in his truck and that I should have just agreed to the paternity test to begin with instead of stirring up drama and getting unnecessary people involved. It's one thing if he decided he wanted one for himself, but he expected me not only to get one, but pay my own way and just not say anything.

But, yeah, I'm the trash friend and

trash person, I guess. Robert's family is doing nothing but slandering Danielle, and I'm being mocked for having the reverse version of a beard. Like when a man uses a woman as a cover so people don't know know he's actually gay. And it's causing issues now with Elliot's family because their logic is, well, they wouldn't be so sure if there wasn't proof. My family is 100% with me and knows I absolutely have zero interest in women. Even if I did, I'm not a cheater.

Whew.

[Jared Goldstein]

Wow.

[Shane]

It's a doozy.

[Courtney]

What is going on?

[Jared Goldstein]

I love the idea of ending that with. Am I the asshole?

[Shane]

It's like, yeah, so this guy threatened

to beat me up and I didn't do anything.

Did I do something wrong? Wow, it must suck to be that kind of stupid.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

You know, I need to know what's going on in the marriage.

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[Auto Trader Announcer]

Are you really buying a car online on Autotrader right now?

[Chance]

Really? I can get super specific with dealer listings and see cars based on my budget.

[Auto Trader Announcer]

You can really have it delivered or pick it up.

[Chance]

Mommy.

[Auto Trader Announcer]

Kid is walking up the slide. Really?

[Chance]

Auto trader, buy your car online? Really?

[Shane]

What is going on?

Yeah, but, like, sometimes people are stupid in a way that's, like, kind of joyful and, like, awesome.

Like, you don't know stuff, so you're

kind of, like, oblivious.

[Jared Goldstein]

Why'd you look at me when you said that?

[Shane]

No, I'm just looking at the channel. I just met you. But look. But this guy's stupid.

In a way that's causing him torment. He doesn't understand genetics, so he really is just.

[Courtney]

Ever heard of a Punnett Square bitch? Sorry.

[Shane]

But also, this guy is an absolute

asshole for thinking that only saying his genetics will prevail.

That's such a crazy enough to really

be like, I need to get away from this.

[Jared Goldstein]

You're a super villain.

[Shane]

You are literally a villain. I'm built differently. He sounds like Sauron or some shit.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

OP definitely has bad friends as well.

[Jared Goldstein]

There is also a really scary straight type of narcissism that, like, makes the leap that someone around you might be pretending they're gay to hurt you. It's like, have you ever experienced anything like that?

[Courtney]

Um, no.

[Jared Goldstein]

Like, I think maybe it's happened to me once where a friend's boyfriend maybe doubted that I was gay, like, with my closeness to his girlfriend. And it's like, I don't know how else to.

[Shane]

It really just.

[Jared Goldstein]

I know it really makes you stop and think.

[Courtney]

I just had a memory come back of. In middle school, during gym class, I would, like, hang out with the girls, and we'd be doing cartwheels and stuff and be doing dances and shit. And I remember the guys used to always watch me and be like, he's doing it again. He's doing it again. And then they'd bring me over and they'd be like, you're so smart, bro. You are so smart. Pretending to be gay so you can do cartwheels and hang out with the girls. Like that. And I'd be like, yeah, pretending to be gay. Wait, what?

[Jared Goldstein]

But that seems like a fun, dumb person. Do you know what I mean?

[Shane]

Like, he's like, oh, Gwen, he's so smart.

[Jared Goldstein]

That's good dumb.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah.

[Courtney]

You get to do sleepovers and they spend the night at your house and stuff and be like, yeah, yeah. Why is that?

[Shane]

Yeah, it's a type of stupid.

But it's a combo of stupid and insecure.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And it's really dangerous, like, truly. But a lot of guys are just so incapable of, like, I don't know. They're just so insecure that any guy around their wife. It's like, you're trying to sleep with my wife?

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And then they just can't. Then they also are like, it's just kind of a combo of homophobia and sexism and all this stuff, too. It's like, his wife has no agency.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Shane]

He's not talking about his wife.

It's not like, oh, his wife.

What does she feel or think?

About in this situation.

He called her a Che. Yes, yes. The sexism comes out very blatantly then. But yeah, no, this guy is awful. Comments? Everyone is trash except you, your fiance and Danielle. Do you live in Trashville? I'd take precautions in the sense that

you may need to get the authorities involved if he's going to go nuclear. At the very least, I would have touched base with your company's hr. Unless that doesn't exist.

Someone said to that this.

This guy could easily try and get you fired because when your test comes back negative, he will be very embarrassed and might act even worse than he already has. If the company doesn't know what is going on, his behavior could get you, him or both of you fired. Protect yourself op. If the company doesn't have an HR department, you go to your manager and or the person who runs the business.

If it's not one of them, they

can tell you who it is. There's always somebody responsible for handling these issues, even if there is no official hr.

[Chance]

I'm sorry. It's so crazy that this is his co worker too.

[Shane]

Yeah, no, they also work in a factory. They work in a factory. But he's also part of the friend

group of his wives. It's a very interconnected ecosystem.

Someone said, what the fuck is wrong with them?

Dude was trying to street fight you and basically ruin your relationship, but you're trash for telling your friend something that definitely would have gotten back to her. He was calling her a whore and smearing her name. Just disrespecting their vows and entire marriage.

Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with him?

Why wouldn't he want a mini version of his wife when he has so many of himself? My siblings look exactly like my mom and I look different. But no one accused my mom of sleeping around. Especially since I resembled my dad's great aunt. Dude just doesn't understand genetics. And I hope he takes a test for himself. Otherwise he'll ride around town looking for more redheads.

Oof.

Lastly, someone said, I wouldn't worry too much. Everyone's just feeling bad for the guy cause his life has been uprooted.

But he did that to himself.

His poor wife though. Five kids, including a newborn. And this guy freaks out cause the daughter looks like her mom instead of him. What a fucking waste of oxygen. Good for her for finally standing up for herself.

[Courtney]

Whoa.

[Jared Goldstein]

I can't wait to try to win an argument by being like I have pride stickers all over my car.

[Shane]

Yeah. And he's like, those are just a trick to get to my wife.

Anyways, moving on to our final story. I think this one's gonna be a little bit of a different tone.

This comes from today. I fucked up.

[Courtney]

Okay.

[Shane]

It was posted in 2021.

[Jared Goldstein]

It's like, my name is Robert.

[Shane]

Hi, my name is Robert. And I made a whoopsie today. I fucked up by ruining my boyfriend's company wide meeting. This actually happened a few hours ago and I am writing this outside out of fear of going back into the apartment. The iconic and viral clip of a

mother storming in on her children and asking which one of them didn't flush after using the toilet has been a cornerstone of my boyfriend and I's relationship.

Today my boyfriend took the.

[Jared Goldstein]

I don't.

[Shane]

Yeah, who the fuck took a shit in the toilet?

[Commercial Narrator]

I don't know.

[Shane]

I don't think I've seen this, but sounds hilarious.

[Jared Goldstein]

Okay.

[Shane]

Disgusting.

Okay. I know that today my boyfriend took

the largest poop I have ever seen. And I mean largest.

It wasn't even broken into pieces.

One long continuous poop.

And while he might have tried to

flush it, it did not work and ended up greeting me in the face when I too needed to take an incredibly large poop.

Out of pure humor, I barged straight

into my boyfriend's work from home office

and in my best and loudest Scottish accent said, did you take a shit in that flush? Disgusting. The intention was to laugh with my

boyfriend and for him to come and see how it didn't flush correctly.

Instead, his face went completely white and jaw dropped. He was on a video call with not only his boss, but his entire team. We normally have a little sign to

put on the door when we are in video calls.

But just like how he maybe forgot to flush. He forgot to let me know he

was having a company wide meeting where he was presenting

and then his boss was like, are there any marketing strategies to large poop?

[Jared Goldstein]

First of all, I just want to say congrats because a full log is a good. That's sign of a healthy colon.

[Shane]

Yeah. Fiber maxing.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yes. With pointed ends is most ideal if you didn't know pointed ends you want. So it sounds like they're doing everything right.

[Shane]

They're doing a great job. So that's good for the team to know that he's healthy, he's ready to work.

[Courtney]

So also maybe they know the video. Maybe they know the reference video. Maybe.

[Shane]

Yeah. Oh, you're quoting it and they're like, oh, promoted.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Do you guys have any embarrassing zoom call or big shit stories type of Huge dumb stories. This video gets posted. You're like, oh, the pride Reddit stories. And it just says huge dumb question mark, question mark. Huge fucking shit.

[Jared Goldstein]

Reddit stories, giant rainbow shit. It's my job. Zoom. The first Zoom I ever did, it was a show. It was a zoom show. A zoom comedy show.

[Shane]

Oh, cool.

[Jared Goldstein]

And I was learning how to use it for that show.

[Courtney]

Sure.

[Jared Goldstein]

And I was being explained how it would work and when to talk and what to. And then so I would just do my stand up set and I thought I understood. And I start my set into my laptop at home and it's like, March 15th.

[Shane]

God, horrible.

[Jared Goldstein]

And I just. And I'm saying my jokes and then I'm just like, okay, this is fine. Like, it's. Just say it like a monologue. Look straight into your computer and just keep saying the jokes. You're not gonna hear any laughs. And you just, you'll just do it and you'll raise money and that'll be that. And then about five minutes into my set, I finished a joke and then I hear laughter and I realize I was supposed to be hearing laughs the whole time. I was just bombing for the first, like five minutes of my set. So that was, that was tough to kind of hear that laugh and then realize in real time. And again, it's like, March 15th, was

[Shane]

that your first time ever doing stand

up straight into a. Just.

Of course.

[Chance]

Yeah.

[Shane]

That sounds if stand up. It's like amazing that stand up could only be harder. Like, it's already like one of the hardest things to ever do.

[Jared Goldstein]

And I'm like literally sitting there thinking, I got the hang of this. It's just like a teleprompter. Just sit here, read it, you're fine.

[Courtney]

Yeah. Meanwhile, you thought everyone was just muted.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

But also for the audience, this is

also something so new.

Right. Like, oh, first, just like I'm watching stand up remotely from, like from my house. Yeah. It's just not a conducive environment.

[Jared Goldstein]

And thank you.

[Courtney]

Wow.

[Jared Goldstein]

Thank you for missing your flight. To hold space for me.

[Courtney]

I remember with Moon Goon, we would write. We were still writing shows at this time on Zoom. And the way meetings would work, we'll follow the fun and we'll follow bits in person. It's very easy to follow the conversation. But on Zoom, it's just too many voices at one time. Especially when it's 14 people in a writer's room. And you would have to learn kind of when to unmute yourself just to laugh, to be like, that's Funny and then unmute yourself again.

[Jared Goldstein]

I know. Brutal.

[Courtney]

Brutal.

[Shane]

Anyways, some comments. Someone said he left you a present.

Can you just be grateful?

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Shane]

OP said this made us both laugh. Thank you so much. Someone said. What was the reaction? OP said I had to regain my

composure and go for a walk. He is incredibly embarrassed but can't really be mad at me.

It's his fault for both A not

checking to see if it went down and B not letting me know he

was on a conference call.

I am somewhat nervous that he is going to try and get me back for ruining his company wide reputation. I think I need to find another place to take my video calls. Something I didn't mention however, is that we are both men.

Lastly, someone said, well, he needs to learn to take care of his shit

in one form or another. Then this wouldn't happen. If he has really learned his lesson, he will buy a poop knife and remember his sign. Opie says he is most definitely scarred for life. And now I know what I am getting him for his birthday. Thanks for the suggestion. Legendary Reddit poop.

[Jared Goldstein]

What is a poop knife?

[Shane]

You both don't know this?

[Jared Goldstein]

No, I mean I can imagine, but people are using those.

[Shane]

One of the most famous Reddit stories of all time. This is, it's from like 10 years ago.

[Jared Goldstein]

Okay.

[Shane]

Is this girl's dating this guy, he eventually visits the girlfriend's family and he asks like, hey, where's your guys poop knife? And she's like, what? And he's like, yeah, we have a poop knife.

Like, my family has a knife in

the bathroom for cutting the poop.

Cut the shit.

You know what I mean?

[Chance]

He thought everybody had poop.

[Shane]

But what does he get? Who out when butterflying it? Has he been like, why is he

[Courtney]

cutting the poop like sashimi?

[Jared Goldstein]

Just to get it down.

[Shane]

He's julietting it. Yeah, I hate that. Anyways, so. So that's that.

Whoa.

Yeah. Yeah, some fun Reddit.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

You know I don't like poop knife, Shane.

[Shane]

I'm sorry. It's not my thing. Yeah, it's a Reddit thing.

[Courtney]

Okay.

[Jared Goldstein]

This does remind me. In the mornings I am gassy and I will FaceTime my family because we're in different cities.

[Shane]

What's up, dad?

[Jared Goldstein]

You gotta hear it. You gotta hear it. So we're all on FaceTime. We'll be on FaceTime for like maybe 30 minutes, but we're not all engaged all the time. And I'll be walking around making a coffee. I just woke up, you know it's different time zones and stuff. And I will burp and then my niece in like a very like kind of six year old way will like scold me. And then my parents kind of get in on it. And then I'm like, I'm in my house. I'm alone in my home. Let me burp. Then I'm like, oh, wait, I am on a call. And it does make me think about, like, you know, who's like, I wish we had a ref here. Like, what do you guys think?

[Shane]

Should I like, ooh, that's interesting.

[Jared Goldstein]

Am I allowed to burp in the privacy of my own home if I'm on a phone FaceTime with my family?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Jared Goldstein]

I say no.

[Courtney]

I say no.

[Shane]

No, you say no.

[Courtney]

I say no.

[Shane]

Depends on the context of the conversation

the verb adds to it. If the conversation is like, yeah, grandma's not doing well and it's like, sucks. If it's just like a casual conversation, then it's fine. It usually is.

[Jared Goldstein]

It usually is.

[Shane]

I guess it depends on the families. Some families have a poop knife, some families don't burp.

[Courtney]

My family doesn't burp.

[Jared Goldstein]

You guys don't burp. Damn. All I do is burp and fart. It's crazy. It's a lot.

[Shane]

You're Shrek ass.

[Jared Goldstein]

You know what's actually like, yes, for whatever reason, yesterday I farted in my bathroom. Yeah, grow up.

[Shane]

Ewa, grow up.

[Commercial Narrator]

You shouldn't farted in my bathroom. In your bathroom.

[Jared Goldstein]

I farted in my bathroom. And it occurred to me, like, I guess the acoustics and I heard it and I thought, my butt isn't trying to hurt anyone's feelings. And I like, heard my butt butt fart. And it was like. Cause you know, you feel shame for farting and for burping and like, oh, everyone pissing everyone off. And I'm gross. I went, my butt doesn't know. No, my butt's just a sweet little butt and it just farting. There's no idea that anyone's getting offended or hurt.

[Shane]

It's just like, I'm so. Yeah, yeah.

[Jared Goldstein]

It was kind of nice. Oh, well, a moment of empathy for my butthole.

[Courtney]

I think my butt knows. That's why I don't.

[Shane]

You don't?

[Courtney]

Yeah, it's sentient. It's like aware of itself.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Don't worry, Chance.

[Courtney]

Is this what I am?

[Shane]

Pussy's so good. Yes, indeed. Well, on that note, thank you both for joining.

[Jared Goldstein]

Thank you. Happy pride.

[Shane]

Hey, Happy pride.

[Courtney]

Happy pride.

[Jared Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Shane]

What?

[Courtney]

Happy pride. Oh, you don't like that you can say that.

[Shane]

I can't stop you.

[Courtney]

No, you can't.

[Shane]

Thank you for coming on this journey with me today. Boy, it was a roller coaster.

All sorts of stories and thank you all for watching and and we'll see you next Saturday. Goodbye.

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[Chance]

Really?

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Yeah, really? Look at these listings from dealers.

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[Chance]

Again? Really? Auto trader. Buy your car online. Really?

[Made in Cookware Announcer]

This podcast is sponsored by Made in Cookware. Made in partners with multi generational artisans and some of the world's best chefs to create professional quality cookware knives and kitchen tools. Tools. Their products are trusted in Michelin starred restaurants worldwide and designed to perform just as well in your kitchen. From five ply stainless clad to carbon steel, every piece is built to last and made to actually make you a better cook. Discover award winning cookware at madeincookware.

[Shane]

Com.