A (68:54)
So tonight I told James. I told him everything. Gosh, I just wish I could relive this night over and over again. I've never been so happy. He came into my room this evening like he always does, greeted me, hello, how's my amumu doing today? I told him I was doing well. He told me I looked beautiful, which is not true, but it still felt so sincere. Then he started unpacking the stuff he brought me today. I asked him to stop and just come sit with me because I wanted to talk to him. He nodded and came and sat next to me. What's up? He asked. It took me a bit to gather myself. I kept getting distracted by his eyes. How he looks at me sometimes, I don't know how to describe it. I told him I love you and he just kind of laughed and touched my hand before casually responding, oh, I know that I love you too. In retrospect, this wasn't the best way to start. I guess since we've said that enough with a different understanding, that he didn't get what was happening. He started to get up again to unpack the snacks and I grabbed his arm and asked him to let me finish. He looked confused, but he nodded and sat back down. And then I did it. I told him everything. I told him about all the times in the past I'd thought about just marrying him despite my sexuality. I told him my favorite memories of him and how they make me feel. I told him he'd always been my best friend and the person I trusted the most. I told him I made a mistake and I should have chosen him. I then basically devolved into reciting the last paragraph of my first post to him. He's the face I see when I think about feeling the embrace I feel when I think about being safe. It doesn't matter what we do. If we're together, I'm happy and he's the only thing I want for the rest of my life. He basically froze. He said nothing, just looked at me as I spilled everything. I'm not sure he even blinked when I finished and looked up at him. He was sitting there like a statue with his mouth slightly open. Still enough, it was like he forgot to breathe. James always knows what to say, so this was a little unnerving to me. I started to ask him if everything was all right, but before I could finish, his expression broke. He exhaled into a weak but incredibly tender quivering smile and he just reached out and pulled me into a hug. I buried my head in his chest and his arms just wrapped around me. I just melted into him. He was so gentle. It felt so easy. It felt so right. Then he started crying and then I started crying. He's been coming here through two years of cancer treatment and never seen him cry until now. He held me for a while, but however long it was, it wasn't long enough. When he finally pulled away, his face was red from crying, but he just looked so happy. He looked at me for a bit. It was kind of cute because he had a little trouble maintaining eye contact, which he usually doesn't. He was like a little boy again. Then he finally looked right at me and he just said, you're the only thing I've ever wanted. Then I started crying again and he started crying again and he pulled me to him and he held me again. I wish it never ended. A little bit later, once we exhausted our crying capacity, I showed him the post. He made a few jokes about wanting to meet this James guy and about how he had better go and thank my mom for being his wing woman for 20 years. LOL. Then after he finished reading it, he kissed me. It felt easy, not scary at all and just right. He asked me if it lived up to the daydreams and I chuckled and said yes. Then he said I'm not so sure myself, I think I need more data and kissed me again. He is so ridiculous, but this was smooth as butter. Then after that we started talking and I guess he told me everything too. He said he'd loved me since we were little kids. Told me he still has every drawing lettercraft I ever made for him in a safe that he took with him to college and has taken everywhere else he's ever lived. He talked about the day I came out as gay to him and how he'd figured it out earlier but he struggled to accept it for months in secret because he had lived his entire life up to that point, assuming we would be a family and wanting nothing else. He told me he thought about our last night before college all the time and he kept hoping that entire night I'd say something before he left because then he'd have transferred colleges to stay with me. Told me he actually took a very long way home Just to prolong the time when we were holding hands and I was sleeping on his shoulder and that it was, to this day, his favorite memory. Then he looked at me with those piercing green eyes and said, for me, there has never been anyone else he loved once me, and then struggled through a bunch of rebounds. And even though he had learned to bury it and move on with life and was happy in our friendship, his heart had only ever belonged to me. Honestly, I guess I should have known this. My dad told me he was sure this was true, but I didn't listen. But I was flustered and deeply moved. We sat and talked and reminisced some more, mostly about when we were kids. I found out some things I never knew because he avoided telling me how romantic some things were for him after I came out. But I also kind of realized I think they felt romantic to me, too. Then I brought up the sex question, and oh, my God, it was the cutest shit ever. I barely got to say anything before he started tripping over himself, like, look, I don't even care. I don't need that. If we need mistresses or something, we can do that. It doesn't bother me. I just want to wake up with you every day. Which was sweet. But then I told him that even though I didn't know how that would go and I might not be able to, I wanted to try with him anyway, when I got better. And oh, my God, he turned tomato red and could barely look at me. Literally could not even manage to form a sentence in response. Just mumbled incoherently before managing to get out. Okay, if you're sure this man has been married and had six girlfriends, but he completely just falls all over himself at the thought. God, it was adorable. This is the only thing I'm still a little worried about, but I do want to try. I mean, I liked the kissing, which I thought was completely impossible. And I know that if it doesn't turn out well, it won't ruin anything and we'll still be together and just figure something else out for that one need. Then we talked about the cancer. He is so sure I'm gonna make it. It's so touching. It took a little while to get him to take the other possibility seriously. When I finally did and I told him that it's the reason I didn't tell him sooner, he held my hand and told me that if that happens, he'd be okay, because he'll always know that he was the one of the lucky ones because he was mine. I almost lost it. Then he said, if we don't have that much time left, we better make sure every minute counts. I said, that's pretty.
