Nigel Poor (3:26)

We

Earlonne Woods (3:27)

begin on the radio, but on the far, far distant other end of the dial. To a land where nothing really matters. Imagine just sitting in your car on your way to work, pretending smartphones don't exist like in the old days, messing with the radio dial, looking for something, anything, that'll make your drive go more quickly. Stop Judgment.

Nigel Poor (3:53)

Early in the morning, if you tune away from your local public radio station, you'll always find them. A couple of guys talking about nothing. Morning Zoo. You know what this is? Two hosts with nicknames trying to make you laugh with fart jokes sound effects and fart joke sound effects for a few minutes in between songs. And for three decades, if you were stuck in LA traffic, you could listen to the Kevin and Bean Show.

Earlonne Woods (4:19)

Here we have the Kevin and Bean Show. K R O Q K Rock.

Nigel Poor (4:25)

Nothing about the show was important, and that was the pitch. We'll get you through the morning by talking about something that has nothing to do with the problems in your life or the problems in the world. At least that's how things were supposed to go. In 1999, the show gained a new member, Ralph Garman, a struggling actor with an outstanding talent for doing voices.

Ralph Garman (4:50)

Michael Jackson.

Kevin Ryder (4:50)

Good morning.

Bean (4:51)

Welcome back to the Kevin Abean Show.

Bean's Co-host (4:52)

Good morning, Kevin Abean. How are you?

Bean (4:53)

Paul McCartney. Good morning.

Bean's Co-host (4:54)

Hello.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (4:55)

Kevin Aben, how are you?

Kevin Ryder (4:56)

Sylvester Stallone. Hello. Hey, how you guys doing?

Ralph Garman (4:58)

I started doing it in elementary school and. And if I got milk to come out of some kid's nose during lunch, I knew that it was a success. So it was something I did just to goof around with my friends. I never in a million years thought I'd be doing it professionally.

Nigel Poor (5:13)

Whenever something happened on the news, Kevin and Bean could always go to Ralph for an impression about it. But after 9 11, as the war on terror started, the news just stopped being funny.

DC Benny (5:25)

No nation can possibly claim that Iraq has disarmed and it will not disarm so long as Saddam Hussein holds power.

Nigel Poor (5:34)

In 2003, the United States was trying to convince the rest of the world that they needed to go into Iraq to remove Saddam Hussein.

Ralph Garman (5:42)

What you have to remember is this is In a post 911 world, Americans are feeling united, but only in the sense that we share common enemies. To a certain percentage of the country, rational thought took a backseat to the anger and the fear of the moment.

Nigel Poor (6:00)

But there was one guy standing in the way of the Iraq invasion. The President of France, French President Jacques Chirac, said today France would oppose any

Kevin Ryder (6:10)

effort to draft a new UN resolution

Nigel Poor (6:12)

to explicitly authorize war against Iraq. Chirac wanted to wait for UN inspectors to go in and find out if Iraq did actually have weapons of mass destruction. But most Americans didn't want to wait.

Ralph Garman (6:24)

And so there was a certain amount of anti French sentiment in America. Instead of offering French fries, some restaurants across the country are now calling them freedom fries. Instead of French toast, you can get freedom toast. This was the kind of insanity that was happening in the world at the time.

Nigel Poor (6:41)

Now, for a morning radio show, all of this is a huge problem because how do you joke about impending war? And Kevin Ryder, one of the hosts of the Kevin and Bean show, was driven crazy by this.

Bean (6:53)

And I remember for probably a week saying in the morning, show off as this is a topic that's really huge and we need to think of a Kevin and Bean angle, some way of talking about this topic without really talking about politics. And one day Bean finally came up with the idea that the French love Jerry Lewis.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (7:15)

Tick a tick a tick a tick

Bean's Co-host (7:17)

a d A fellow with the family.

Ralph Garman (7:22)

Why is Jerry Lewis so popular in France? He's a rubber faced, goofy comedian. Nutty professor, of course, is a classic. Fine, there's entertainment to be found in that. But the fact that the French revere him so highly as a, as a filmmaker, as a genius, that is still lost on me.

Bean (7:42)

Bean came up with the idea, why don't we just call normal people in France? And Ralph would do a funny Jerry Lewis and ask them what their opinion is and try to sway them over to our side, which was we should

Ralph Garman (7:55)

go in with full force and stop Saddam Hussein.

Bean (7:58)

That was kind of our ridiculous idea.

Nigel Poor (8:01)

It was stupid and a waste of time. It was perfect. The morning of the call started like every other day on the Kevin and Bean show. They rolled into the studio at 4:30am and went live at six dairy farmer hours.

Bean (8:15)

Our producer, Lightning, he went on Google and found a bunch of random phone numbers. I was standing behind the control board,

Ralph Garman (8:23)

no different than any other of the hundreds of thousands of bits we did over the years.

Bean (8:27)

Gary Lewis, welcome to the studios.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (8:28)

Hello, cabin and Beanin. How are you fellows doing this morning?

Bean (8:32)

Good. Thank you for stopping by. Now, a lot of people, for some reason, you're freakishly popular in the country of France. They worship you.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (8:38)

The French do love me and I can't for the life of me explain why. Perhaps they know that I have a giant head and they could make me the World's Biggest Beret.

Ralph Garman (8:46)

I'm not, you know, blowing my own horn here, but my Jerry Lewis is pretty good.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (8:51)

Let's call Friends today and we will say hello to them. All right, Jerry.

Nigel Poor (8:59)

Now, whether or not this idea worked, whether anyone in France would even believe they were speaking to Jerry Lewis, wasn't that important.

Bean (9:06)

We realized early on, thank God, that mistakes are funnier than success.

Ralph Garman (9:12)

And that permeated the entire show to the point where often failure was the point of the comedy.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (9:19)

Hello, is Martine there, please? This is Jerry Lewis. Does that mean a word to anything to you, Jerry? I don't know what I'm saying. I'm talking. She's hanging up now.

Ralph Garman (9:30)

We hit a couple phone calls, tried to make it as funny as possible from my end. And it went pretty much as expected to varying degrees of success.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (9:39)

Hello?

Bean's Co-host (9:40)

Hello?

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (9:41)

Hello, is Albert. Caroline there, please?

Bean's Co-host (9:43)

Yes, it's Caroline speaking.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (9:45)

Caroline, this is Jerry Lewis. Do you know Jerry Lewis over there? Hello, Caroline? Yes, do you know. Do you know my work over there? Jerry Lewis?

Bean's Co-host (9:55)

Of course I know your name.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (9:57)

Thank you very much. I'm glad to know that. Listen, Caroline, I'm making some phone calls because we're having some problems here in the United States, you know, with this whole war thing.

Bean's Co-host (10:05)

Yeah, I know.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (10:06)

So I'm wondering if maybe we can find some way to come together, the United States people and the French people, and agree that we have to stop this craziness, madman from the hoying, the blowing up with the things.

Bean's Co-host (10:17)

Of course we have to stop that.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (10:19)

Oh, Caroline, thank you so much. That means so much to me. More than my kids walking or anything. What you said right there makes me happy.

Bean's Co-host (10:26)

So, bye, bye.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (10:27)

Bye bye. From Jerry Lewis.

Earlonne Woods (10:29)

All right, let's go back to the tote board.

DC Benny (10:31)

Jerry, how many Frenchmen have we turned

Kevin Ryder (10:32)

over to the American way of looking at the war so far?

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (10:34)

All right, show me how many people Frenchmen. Go. Show me now. 1. Yeah, we have one person we called who said, but she's on side, not with us, so we can bomb.

Nigel Poor (10:48)

Eventually, it was time to end the segment. It had gone okay, but they had an idea for how they could really put an exclamation mark on the bit,

Ralph Garman (10:56)

which was we would call the Presidential palace to try to talk to President Jacques Chirac.

Bean (11:01)

All right, here's what we have to do. We have to take a break. I just got handed the number of the office of the president, Jacques Chirac.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (11:06)

Jacques.

Bean (11:07)

Okay, we'll take a quick break. We'll come back and call the president

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (11:10)

of The France calling the President of France.

Nigel Poor (11:14)

They weren't going to get through, of course. That was the point we thought.

Bean (11:18)

Operator answers. Ralph is funny. They hang up. The end. We move on and do something else.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (11:24)

Let's go right to the man who calls all the shots, the big French cheese.

Bean (11:29)

It's the office of the President, Mr. Jack Shack.

Earlonne Woods (11:33)

He's a.

Bean (11:33)

He's a surrender cheese monkey, isn't he? Or whatever?

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (11:36)

Yes, he is.

Bean (11:37)

I would be surprised if he takes Mr. Lewis's call. To tell you the truth, with knowing how revered Jerry Lewis is.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (11:41)

Take my call, please. Hi. It's an old joke from back when. Hello, is the President Monsieur Chirac? President Chirac, please?

Ralph Garman (11:54)

I remember a response. I believe that was in French, which I didn't quite catch.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (11:59)

Parlez vous inglace at all, sir? Does anyone speak English there?

Bean (12:03)

Hello, We've been transferred to the President. The next voice you hear, would that be unbelievable? Chirruk International incident ensues.

Ralph Garman (12:11)

I remember a lot of clicks and sort of telephony kind of noises going on on the other end.

Bean (12:16)

Somebody else picked up the phone.

Bean's Co-host (12:18)

Hello?

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (12:19)

Hello, this is. Hello, this is Jerry Lewis looking to speak to President Chirac, please.

Bean's Co-host (12:24)

Oh, who, who, who are you?

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (12:27)

Jerry Lewis. Are you familiar? Jerry Lewis? I'm a performer from the United States of America. This night.

Bean's Co-host (12:36)

Can you. Can you send me a fax?

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (12:38)

Yes, send you a fax. Now, this is Jerry Lewis. Jerry Lewis, the filmmaker, American from United States.

Bean's Co-host (12:48)

Hold on, please.

Ralph Garman (12:50)

I do distinctly remember a click and the line going dead.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (12:53)

Did she hang up on us?

Bean (12:54)

I think she hung up.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (12:56)

Well, well, that.

Bean (12:57)

That is not the treatment that we expect when we call the President of France.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (13:00)

I don't care how many awards, how many much they love me and how much love.

Ralph Garman (13:04)

And so that was it. That was our payoff, the hang up that we were all expecting. It wasn't great, but it was fine. It was topical, it was fine.

Bean (13:12)

So we need to move on right away because Chris Rock is there. So I say, all right, Chris Rock is coming up next. And we started playing some commercials and Bean said, you guys hear something? And then I looked physically down at the phone bank and it was still lit.

Ralph Garman (13:28)

Kevin assumed that the line was disconnected, so he didn't hang up on our end. Mr. Lewis, please hold for the President.

Nigel Poor (13:42)

What happened next? There was no time to think about. It was just happening, Ralph, as Jerry

Bean (13:48)

stepped up to the microphone and.

Bean's Co-host (13:51)

Mr. Jerry Lewis.

Bean (13:52)

Jerry Lewis, the actor, is here.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (13:54)

Hello, Jerry Lewis here from America, United States.

Bean's Co-host (13:57)

Hold on. Thank you. Oh, my God.

Bean (14:04)

It Sort of sounded like there was a stomping, like she's apparently putting up shelving. This is officially scary right now.

Nigel Poor (14:18)

Jerry Lewis, you still with us?

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (14:20)

I'm here. I'm just waiting for someone to say something. Hello, nice French lady.

Bean's Co-host (14:29)

Hello.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (14:29)

Hello, nice French lady. How are you? Still Jerry Lewis holding here.

Bean (14:33)

Is that Jerry Lewis?

Bean's Co-host (14:35)

Who are you calling from?

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (14:37)

I'm calling from Los Angeles, California, baby.

Bean's Co-host (14:40)

Okay, I pass it to the president. He is just right now here.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (14:44)

Thank you.

Bean's Co-host (14:46)

Hold on. One thing.

Bean (14:48)

It was not possible that she was there with the president of France. It would have been unbelievable if that happened. And then that happened.

Bean's Co-host (14:57)

Hello, President Shirak, Zach Shiak speaking.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (15:00)

President Jerry Lewis here from the United States of America.

Bean's Co-host (15:03)

Can I be sure that you are Jerry Lewis speaking?

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (15:07)

I don't know how I can make you not sure, sir. What can I do for you to make you think that it's me?

Bean's Co-host (15:13)

No, I recognize your voice.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (15:15)

Oh, excellent then.

Bean's Co-host (15:16)

No doubt about that.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (15:18)

Thank you so much, sir.

Ralph Garman (15:20)

That's when the fear kicked in.

Bean (15:24)

And I remember us both almost going to the bathroom all over ourselves. Like, are we gonna get fired for this? Is this illegal? Is President George W. Bush gonna know our names by the end of the day? I looked at Ralph and Ralph looked at me like, what do we do.

Earlonne Woods (15:47)

When we return? Will Ralph be able to pull off the ultimate prank and convince the president of France that he is none other than the American comedian Jerry Lewis? Stay tuned. I recall vividly having deposited my check all happy, thinking I got some money only to check the balance to find my hard earned cash flow sucked away into ridiculous bank fees. What always could have told that me? Hey listen, Chime is changing the way people bank fee free and smarter banking built for you. Not like these old school banks charging for overdraft fees and monthly fees and the fees on the fees. Chime isn't just another banking app. They unlock smarter banking for everyday people. And now they've got the Chime card. The new way to build credit history with your own money and get rewards rewarded every single day. Chime is not just smarter banking. It's the most rewarding way to bank. Join the millions who are already banking fee free today. Head to chime.com snap that's chime.com snap. It just takes a few minutes to sign up and snap judgment. Listeners can earn up to an extra $350.

Nigel Poor (17:06)

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Earlonne Woods (17:21)

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Nigel Poor (17:23)

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Earlonne Woods (17:32)

Welcome back to Snap Judgment. The Bros BEING Bros episode When last we Left, it's post 9 11. President Bush is threatening to invade Iraq, but the French are standing in the way. On one raucous morning show, the Kevin and Bean show, they decide to tackle the news. They get their very own Ralph Garman impersonator extraordinaire to pretend to be the American comedian Jerry Lewis. The plan is to call random French people and convince them to take America's side. It all goes as planned until they call the office of the president of France and somehow, some way, they get through.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (18:16)

Mr. President, I'm just concerned with the differences between our countries right now going on.

Bean's Co-host (18:21)

Yes, I'm concerned also.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (18:23)

Obviously, you know, this man has to be dealt with, this Saddam Hussein. You think you're still planning on vetoing a resolution that the United States and the British will bring to the UN this week?

Bean's Co-host (18:34)

Well, I don't know if they are going to. This is not yet sure.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (18:38)

Right. I just heard rumors.

Bean's Co-host (18:40)

The resolution that they wanted to send few days ago says you have one week and over one week we attack. That is not reasonable.

Ralph Garman (18:51)

You know, I'm basically parroting talking points that I have heard on the news and in newspapers and things like that, just doing a million calculations at once, trying to figure out what's going to come out of my mouth. And this was about as scared as I'd ever felt. Not the kind of fear you have when you're hiking and you see a mountain lion. The fear that I'm talking about is a performer's fear physically. The fear is somewhere deep down inside. And there's a separate part of you where you keep that. And the upside for me was I was doing a character. Jerry Lewis is gonna say these things, not me. And this would be pure, unadulterated, 100% full of himself, Jerry, trying to sway a world leader to see a political position his way.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (19:42)

Well, the reason I'm concerned, sir, and the reason I wanted to call you is because many Americans here are having very angry feelings towards France. They're very upset with France because of this whole thing. And I want to be Able to tell them that you're our friends.

Bean's Co-host (19:55)

I understand that. But, you know, the contrary is also true. There is many, many people all over the world who are very ang with the way the United States handled this crisis.

Ralph Garman (20:08)

I remember thinking, how can I present this without trapping myself in a corner? Real tightrope thing. I was lucky in that he was more than happy to do most of the talking.

Bean's Co-host (20:20)

War is always a bad solution for problems when it is possible to find other solutions.

Ralph Garman (20:27)

Over and over again he reiterated how much he didn't want to any bloodshed. He didn't want young men to die. And I was taken by that because it all felt very sincere to me.

Bean's Co-host (20:37)

This is the case. Through the inspectors, we can rise to our common objective, which is to disarm Iraq.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (20:46)

I understand, sir, completely. But I think we're afraid if someone doesn't stop this crazy, he's going to blow everybody up. It's to be too late. He'll have bombs of mass destruction and be killing people.

Bean's Co-host (20:56)

I share completely your point of view about Saddam, of course, without any reserv. But there is a great, great number of people all over the world who are very, very sorry about the will of war of the United States. And United States, they have to be careful because if they have all the people against them, it's no good for the equilibrium of the world.

Ralph Garman (21:25)

I've got a million things going on in my mind, but there's a part of me who's listening to him, part of me going, yeah, that makes total sense. And I think he started to sway Jerry Lewis a little bit.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (21:35)

France means so much to me, and you've been so kind and goodness to me. And I just want us to be able to work together and solve this problem. And it's true. Nobody wants war. Nobody wants people to die.

Ralph Garman (21:47)

Maybe I could have pressed a little harder if I was going to be true to the character. But I just remember liking him enormously and finding it harder and harder to stand up against him.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (21:57)

And I want to tell you that I will try to convey your sentiments and your feelings to the people of the United States the best that I can.

Bean's Co-host (22:03)

And I want also to go in that way. We don't want to have any problem with the United States, of course, and

Ralph Garman (22:10)

this could have been the politician in him, but he seemed so genuinely concerned about the relationship between France and America.

Bean's Co-host (22:18)

I thank you very much. But you must understand one thing.

Ralph Garman (22:21)

Yes, sir.

Bean's Co-host (22:21)

That Franz and I, we are and we shall be always the friends of America, even if we have two different Views on this problem.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (22:33)

I hope that will always be the case, sir.

Ralph Garman (22:35)

At the end of the conversation, they knew it was time to wrap things up. I was talking about getting together with him.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (22:41)

Next time I'm in France, perhaps we can get together and visit a little bit.

Ralph Garman (22:45)

Before I finished that sentence, I said, this could blow the whole thing, because I don't know whether Jacques Chirac has ever met Jerry Lewis or not.

Bean's Co-host (22:52)

Well, and I hope when you come to Europe, if you pass by Paris, I'd be very pleased to meet you.

Ralph Garman (22:58)

And I was like, oh, okay. He has never met Jerry Lewis before, but it's on his bucket list.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (23:03)

That would be my great honor, sir. Thank you so much for spending a little time with me on the phone today. I know you're very busy with all your French business.

Bean's Co-host (23:09)

Thank you very much. It was a pleasure for me to hear you.

Jerry Lewis Impersonator (Ralph Garman) (23:12)

All right. Bye. Bye, sir.

Ralph Garman (23:16)

When the phone call was over, I remember us all sort of staring at each other with our mouths open. Nothing was said for a good 20, 30 seconds.

Bean (23:27)

I looked over at the phone bank to see if the phone was disconnected this time, and it was. And all of us, to a person, said, I really like him.

Ralph Garman (23:39)

As quickly as possible, we came out of commercials.

Bean (23:45)

Okay, all right, now.

Ralph Garman (23:48)

I don't know, man.

Kevin Ryder (23:49)

Are we back on the air? Yeah, we are back.

Bean (23:50)

Did the song just end?

Earlonne Woods (23:51)

Just ended.

Bean (23:52)

Okay, okay, here's.

Ralph Garman (23:54)

Here's what happened again. None of this was planned. None of this was supposed to happen. I equate it with pulling a handle on a slot machine in Vegas. If you're not losing money, you're a winner, but you don't expect to hit the big jackpot.

Bean (24:06)

And we were just thrilled. We'd just done the greatest thing ever. Oh, my God. Can you believe that? Now, what should he have been doing?

Ralph Garman (24:17)

Whose calls was he not taking while he was talking to Jerry?

Bean (24:20)

How does the guy just.

Earlonne Woods (24:21)

Yeah.

Bean (24:22)

Walk down the hall and take his call. Were you a little nervous, Ralph, when the president of France comes on the phone?

Ralph Garman (24:25)

I was nervous so much that I was my pants realizing I was talking to the head of a country.

Nigel Poor (24:31)

What the Kevin and Bean show had pulled off was incredible. A segment that was supposed to be about nothing became a segment about the most important thing in the world.

Bean (24:41)

And then our boss stuck his head in, and he said, I need to see you guys in my office. So we were walking down the hallway, and I thought, what's going on? Got into his office, closed the door, and so we closed the door, and he goes, what are you thinking calling a foreign president? And I said, we weren't calling a foreign president. We were sort of pranking their operator. We didn't have a hotline to President Jacques Shirock, and he was outraged. They could sue us and Jerry Lewis could sue us. And this is the dumbest thing you guys have ever done. We had told people on the air that we were going to play it early the next morning so they could hear it. But he said, I've talked to our lawyers. You can't replay that. You can't say, yesterday when we called, we actually got ahold of the president of France.

Ralph Garman (25:35)

We weren't going to be able to share with our audience one of the great moments ever on this radio show. And I started to worry about whether I was going to lose my job. If there needed to be a sacrificial lamb in this scenario, it was probably going to be me.

Nigel Poor (25:51)

They got to play that call on the air once before. Management came down, but it still made international news. And Jerry Lewis publicly threatened to sue the station. So they had to go back on the air and pretend like nothing had happened. But behind the scenes, lawyers were grilling Kevin and Bean and Ralph for hours. And if you listen to the show, then it was obvious that something was off because they kept mentioning that they were in trouble without saying exactly what it was.

Earlonne Woods (26:20)

Thank you to the listeners who have

Kevin Ryder (26:21)

been fantastic with their support, the people

Nigel Poor (26:25)

who have been writing and saying, look,

Earlonne Woods (26:26)

I don't know what's going on, but

Nigel Poor (26:27)

I know you guys are in a lot of trouble.

Kevin Ryder (26:28)

But I want you to know that

Earlonne Woods (26:29)

I'll be really pissed if you get fired, because I love your show, that

Ralph Garman (26:32)

that means so much to us.

Bean (26:34)

I know that we joke a lot, but the three of us have never wanted to work here less than we did this week, I swear to God, than this week.

DC Benny (26:42)

Well, I'm glad so many listeners are

Bean (26:43)

supportive because we'll be coming to them for work soon.

Ralph Garman (26:46)

So maybe I'll be doing our show

Bean (26:47)

door to door soon. Those of you that have really good jobs available, just keep this in mind. Kreg.

Ralph Garman (26:54)

The French government saved our asses by trying to save their own. They would never confirm or deny that that was actually the president on the phone with Jerry Lewis.

Bean (27:07)

Can I tell you what the lawyers told me not to say? Jerry Lewis people called and said, we have grounds for a lawsuit, but if you pay $50,000 to muscular dystrophy, which is his telethon, we might not sue. So the lawyers told me that this didn't Happen in quotes.

Ralph Garman (27:26)

That seemed to be the best answer for everybody. This never happened. You're never to speak of it again. We need all the copies of it. They were just going to make it disappear and I just, I just threw my head back in despair.

Bean (27:42)

For the next, I don't know, 17 years, we would make jokes about it like, yeah, that's about as likely as calling the president of France.

Nigel Poor (27:51)

And to be fair, Morning Zoo is supposed to be ephemeral.

Bean (27:54)

We're just dummies in a room making each other laugh. That's what people needed, is something that was entertaining and not important except for

Nigel Poor (28:04)

that one time when it was the

Ralph Garman (28:07)

fact that it was no longer something that we could play for people that we could be proud of. That was painful. And I didn't know how to process that, how to handle that.

Nigel Poor (28:25)

Even though they were told not to, members of the show staff saved copies of the interview, which have been circulating ever since. You just heard one of them. Destroying something that good would have hurt too much.

Ralph Garman (28:36)

And yet that's the nature of radio. People hear it and then it's gone. You don't have the time for self pity because the next morning you wake up at 4 o' clock and you make the drive and you go into the studio and you have five hours of airtime to fill. And so now what?

Nigel Poor (28:59)

Anyway, back to our regular programming.

Earlonne Woods (29:20)

A big, big, big, big thank you to Ralph Garman and Kevin Ryder for sharing their story with Snap. Original score for that piece was by Renzo Gorio, was edited by Nancy Lopez and Anna Sussman. It was produced by Max Youngris. Now, after the bro break, two different fights need settling. Stay tuned. Welcome back to Snap Judgment, the Bros Being Bros episode. My name is Glenn Washington. And next up, we've got a real quick story for you. Right from our own backyard, Oakland's own Moshe Kasher tells a story about conflict resolution. Snap Judgment.

Kevin Ryder (30:20)

I think I must have been 31. I'm still living in San Francisco. This where I got my start, the show that I had performed at that night. This is in the heart of the Tenderloin. It is a Christmas Hanukkah themed show. So I did my set. I had just gotten off stage and so I'm just sort of sitting in the back of the room when a couple of like San Francisco bike messenger types walked in the show. They were yelling at the performers on stage. They were rifling through people's bags. They were obviously very drunk. And I was getting more and more pissed off at the way that they were disrespecting the performers. A heckler is one thing, because comedians are trained to deal with a heckler. This isn't heckling. This is just like yelling and disrespecting. That's something I've got like a real short fuse for. When these guys decided to leave, I couldn't just let them leave. I mean, I should have just let them leave. They were leaving, the crisis was over. But I decided I had to make a little, just a little commentary on the way they'd behaved. And the way that I chose to do that was to physically applaud their departure, just to give them a little clap, you know, like, we're glad you're leaving. They noticed and they were like, are you applauding, you little four eyed

Nigel Poor (31:50)

now?

Kevin Ryder (31:50)

I happened to be holding a table dreidel in my hand at the time because it was a Christmas Hanukkah themed show. Not just because Jews have them at the ready at any given moment just in case some fight goes down. So I had the dreidel in my hand and I just threw it at the guy's head. He dodged the dreidel. He's like, what? Come outside then. Come outside. And I was like, I will, I will come outside. And I walked outside of the room and we're standing in the foyer just outside of the performance space and we're hot, yelling at each other. I was like, the way you were acting in there was totally disrespectful. And there was a third guy. And the third guy is friends with the fight guy. He's kind of like playing peacemaker. He's kind of doing some diplomacy. He's like, hey, we're just a little drunk, everything's okay. You know, why don't we just calm it down and everything works. The peacemaker is starting to win. I'm starting to calm down and I'm starting to hear his logic. I'm ready to walk away. I'm done. When the peacemaker, as I'm like walking away, goes, hey, that's a nice hat, and snatches my hat off of my head. The peacemaker, the guy that's been negotiating peace between the two of us, I don't even understand this move. Now listen, I'm not a gangster, okay? But I am gangster enough that if you grab my hat off of my head, I am going to be down to fight you. I fought a lot when I was a teenager. I grew up in Oakland, California. Oakland, public schools. And you had to figure out a way to defend yourself. Or be trampled. And so inside of me is this little middle schooler who's, like, thinking he's a badass. So I grab my hat, and we start stomping outside of the bar. I'm walking out, like, filled with adrenaline, not even capable of thinking what's gonna happen. We popped out onto the street. I think it was on Leavenworth. And the dude, not the guy that snatched my hat, by the way, the first guy just runs at me and starts throwing punches. I was like, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. What about the part where we throw our arms up and talk for 15 minutes about how we want to fight each other? That's not what this guy wanted. He was fighting, and he was fighting now. So we were just scrapping and scrambling and fighting and wrestling. We come off the sidewalk. He pushes me up against this big. I think, think Vandor. And his head goes down, like he's trying to grab my waist or trying to get me to the ground. And somehow his head falls into my choke zone, is what I'm calling it. You know, like the triangle of your arm and your forearm and your chest. His head goes in there, and I start to buck up, and his head is. Is almost in a headlock, and I start to reel up and choke the guy. I can feel that it's working. But, like, in the moment, I was like, oh, no, that man is choking. I am going to kill this guy. I don't want to kill a guy. I have to stop it. I let go of the choke zone a little bit, and his head pops out, and I go, are you done? And he looked back at me, and with a conviction I will never forget, he goes, I will never be done. And I go, oh, great. I'm fighting a knight, a medieval knight from the round table. He will never be done. I will have to fight him to the death. I'm like, what am I gonna do? How am I gonna get out of this? He changes the subject by spitting a mouthful of blood all over my face. I'm not into a mouthful of blood on my face. I'm already a hypochondriac. Like, I'm freaking out. He attacks me again. He must have rushed me again. I don't know what happened, but his head falls back in my choke zone, and I think, okay, the time to end this is now. Hoping that something will happen. And something does. I can almost see it in my peripheral vision. A hand reaches up from beneath the choke zone, and I feel it on my shoulder just a. He tapped out. He tapped Out. I released the guy. And as I released him, I also released this just flood of shame, just pure shame, because I thought that I was better than this. I'm so ashamed of myself. I look over and the guy that I was fighting, I run over to him and I'm just. I hold my hand out and I go, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I don't. I don't know what I was thinking. He puts his hand out to me. We shake hands, and he walks away. The bouncer, he's like, I can't believe it. These two nerd looking dudes came out of my bar. They started fighting immediately. The second the fight was over, they shook hands and walked their separate ways. He was loving life, but I was hating it. There was no triumph. There was no, I'm the man. There was none of that. I'm not the man that I thought I was. There is still an undeveloped teenager inside of me that thinks this is the solution to conflict, that still wants to think of myself as a badass. But this fight was a. Almost a death of that little creature, in a way, coming back into my body in the present moment, I'm, like, covered in blood and looking around. I keep thinking about my college degree, as if that's somehow connected to why I shouldn't have been fighting. I look down at my feet. My shoes had come off of my feet during the melee. I'm barefoot in the tenderloin. I mean, I realized in that moment, like, you can't win an adult fight because even if you win, you're still a loser.

Earlonne Woods (38:40)

Moshe, thank you so much for sharing your story. If you need more Moshe in your life, know that his latest memoir came out in 2024. It's called Subculture Vulture, a memoir in six scenes. The original score for that piece was by Clay Xavier, is produced by David Exman. Now, have you ever had an issue with someone messing with your car, bro? From 800 pound Gorilla Media, live at the Black Cat. DC Benny has a story to share. It's not judgment.

DC Benny (39:26)

I got into a beef with one of the neighbors, right? This old Italian dude. And it's been ongoing for, like, seven years. This is how it started. The guy's got three cars and takes four parking spaces. And Brooklyn is a premium. You can't find a parking space. So what he does is parks three cars in a row, and then he puts traffic cones in between. So it adds to a whole other space. So I'm a Scorpio. I'm a little vindictive. So Whenever I see one of the spaces open, I park in the street space. But then he does stuff to my car. Like, the first time I came back, there was a hard boiled egg stuffed in the exhaust, right? So I'm like, okay, okay. So I waited till it got a little warm, and he cracks one of the windows on his car. I got a big bag of glitter and I. I filled his car with glitter, right? And I know he cleaned it out. He has sprinkles all over his face. He looked like a stripper, but without the Yankee Candle vanilla smell, you know? So then I park into space again, right? I come back, the gas cap is off. There's an empty bag of Domino sugar, duct tape to the car. I'm like, oh, but so, you know, put the car in neutral, I roll it to the gas station. They look at. They're like, there's some residue around here. But he didn't actually put the sugar in. This guy's just messing with your mind. He's crazy. So I'm like, okay. So I wait till it gets a little cold. I get the cones wet, I stick them on the top of each car. They freeze like sirens. And then I drive. I drive by and I see a. I'm like, whoop, whoop. You know, just to rub it in, right? So then I park the car into space again and I go away for like a week. And I just leave it there. I come back, there's slices of baloney on the hood. Now, I don't know if you guys noticed, but this is how bad bologna is for your digestive system. If you leave it on the hood of a car for more than, like, three days, it permanently fades the paint. So I had these permanent polka dots on my hood when I peeled the baloney off. And then he would shout out of the window, send a salami to your boy in the army. Like these old World War II insults, right? So. So I'm thinking, how I'm gonna get this guy back. I'm thinking, how am I gonna get this by? It's Christmas time. We live across the street from a church, right? And I guess. And the church has a giant nativity scene, like life size. This is a couple days after Christmas. The doorbell rings. There's two detectives from the Hate Crime division, and they're like, did you say, hear anything strange last night that transpired upon the block? Like, no, you just didn't hear nothing? You didn't witness nothing? Like somebody may not have belonged on the block? Like, no. What happened? Somebody stole the Baby Jesus. And in the manger, there was an empty little basket, right? It's very sad, okay? Very sad. So. So the guy gives me a car. He's like, if you hear anything, give us a corporation, right? So I kind of forget about it. So it's like a couple nights later, I'm taking out the trash. I'm like, this trash can's kind of heavy. I remember throwing out something so heavy. I opened up. There's this wooden thing in there. I bring it inside. It's like a doll. I'm looking at it. My wife's like, that's the baby Jesus. You know, you got to return it to the church. I'm like, what? You know? And so I'm thinking, I don't. I'm the only person Neighbor doesn't go to the church. So I'm like, how am I gonna. I don't want to be associated with it. Like, they're gonna think I had something to do with it. So I'm like, how am I gonna create? I'm like, wait a minute. So I get a tomato from the refrigerator. I put it into baby Jesus hand. So he's holding it. I put it on the hood of the car. I call the hate crime division. I'm like, yeah, I think I seen this Jesus you guys are looking for. They come in, they see it. The guy's in Florida. He's been on vacation. They tow his car. And, you know, he comes back. I drive by, I see him, you know, I say, honk if you love, Jesus. And, you know, so I feel like I won. I feel like I won. A couple weeks later, I park in the spot. I come back, my car is totally vandalized. The windshield is cracked. The antenna's broken off. I got four flat tires. And my wife's like, that's enough. You know, you lost. This guy's crazy. This guy's crazy. I'm like, all right, I'll just let it go, you know, you just gotta let it go. She's like, you lost, you know? So about a month ago, the dude dies, and I had nothing to do with it. I had nothing to do with it. You know, I can't say I'm sorry about it, but I had nothing to do with it. But you gotta do the right thing. So I see his wife. It was like two weeks ago. I see his wife, and I'm like, I got it. So I'm like, hey, I'm very sorry to hear about Anthony's demise and everything. She's like, you know, what? I appreciate that. She's like, a lot of people don't know this. He was very sick for the last five years. That's why he was the way he was. She's like, really? You know, there was only one thing that kept him going. I'm like, well, what was that? She's like, he hated you.

Earlonne Woods (43:57)

Thank you DC Benny for sharing this story told live at the Black Cat. Big thanks also to 800 pound gorilla media. Gonna have links to all that is DC Benny in our show notes@snapjudgment.org. If you missed even a moment of snap. Goodness no. That an entire world of SNAP storytelling awaits. Snap's interspecies communication series Tooth and Claw is on podcast platforms right now. Amazing stories from the beast and all of us on the Snap Judgment feed. Eat it all up. KQD in San Francisco. Snap Judgment's orbiting Hall of Justice, SNAP is brought to you by the team that would never admit to being a bruh. Except of course for the uber producer, Ms. Mark Risich. Robot overlords. Please note that no SNAP studios content may be used for training, testing or developing machine learning or AI systems. While prior written permission on team snap, the union represented producers, artists, editors and engineers are members of the national association of Broadcast Employees and Technicians, Communications works of America, AFL CIO Local 51. And there's Nancy Lopez, Pat Mercedes Miller, Anna Sussman, Renzo Goriot, John Facil, Shayna Shealy, Taylor Ducat, Flo Wiley, Bo Walsh, Marissa Dodge. My name is Glenn Washington and this is not the news. No aces news. In fact, you could rock the super keto ribeye steak for breakfast, lunch and dinner diet until you find out that real bros only eat pasta range kangaroo and you would still not be as far away from the news as this is. This is PRX.